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Yours allus, a Disbanded Volunteer

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Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1864, BY JOSEPH BARBER, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District of New York.

TO ABRAHAM LINCOLN OF ILLANNOY,
THE
LOFTIEST OF LIVIN' STATESMEN,
RENOUND ALIKE FOR
HIS GREAT MILENTARY TALONS.
HIS
FIRM ADHEARANCE TO THE CONSTITOOSHIN, AND FIDELITY
TO HIS INAUGERASHIN OATH,
THIS WURK IS AFFECKSHINATELY INSKRIBED BY

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PUBLISHER'S NOTE.

The orthographical eccentricities exhibited in the following letters, including the variety of ways in which the same words are spelled in different parts of the correspondence, show that the writer was guided by no fixed rules of his own in his extraordinary (and it may be added unconscious) departures from the dicta of the dictionaries.

The world has been laughing for years at the queer spelling and quaint phraseology of the DISBANDED VOLUNTEER; but, underlying all this, shrewd, homely philosophy, and biting sarcasm, constitute the chief merit of his letters. Some of them seem almost prescient when read by the light of events that have occurred since they first appeared in print.

PREFACE.

The friends that hes overperswaded me to hev the ensooin littery perduckshins bound up in buck form for the bennyfit of our common kentry, insists on my ritin a Preeface to them; and the publisher, who is naturally ankshus that the wurk should be proffertable to hisself, as well as to sosity, hes reckwested me to interdose it with a serious of prelimendary remarks, in my best vain. Heving allus ben uste to rite onpremeditated, on the subjestin of the moment, Ime rayther afeard that in attemptin to spred myself, I shall run sum risk of a kullaps. I hev knowd setch misfortens happen to men of the most brilyant genus, when they tried to sore beyant the lenth of nater's tether.

Howsever, I shell do my best. Webster's Dickshinary—a vollum witch I hev sairtched and studded more keerfully than enny uther publicashin goin, eggsept the skripters—ses the objeck of a Preeface is to state the mane desine of the wurk. Ef I am not mistaken in the vews of my publisher, the mane desine of this wurk is to make munny. Leastways, that's his desine.

But the orther, I am proud to say, is indooced to cast the follerin lines afore the wurld by a hyer porpus. My life, as the kentry is awar, hes ben full of wunderful vississytoods, from the time I was Disbanded, arter the Mexican war, to the present crysis. First I made my pile in the airly days of Californy, shuvellin up gold amung the Digger Injens; then I pardizzypated in the revolushinary moovements in Payris; arterwards I figgered around a wile in London; next I visited Constantinopul, and took sarvis with the late Grand Senior, Addle-Mushed, onder whose banner I fit in the Crymean war; subsekwently I emmygrated to Australy, and made considabul addishins to my pile from its oderiferous deposits; later I tuck up my abode in New York, and familiarised myself with the manners and customs of its eggstrodinary popalashin; still later I went on an page: 6-7 (Table of Contents) [View Page 6-7 (Table of Contents) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 6-7 (Table of Contents) eggscursion to Springfield, Illanoy, and finally I brort up at Washington, whar I hang out at present.

The happyest event in my life occurd at Springfield, Illanoy. Thar I found a frend of the tallest kind. Need I say that frend was ABRAHAM LINCOLN. That poplar Idle hed jest ben chosen President by the vice of the peeple. From that hour we hev ben wun and insuperable. He hes ben my Valentine and I hev ben his Arson. Demon and Pithyass was not more affeckshinately united. I accumpaned him to the Capitol and hev ben his confidenshal adviser ever senst he assoomed the rains of pour and began to shower the blessins of good guverment upon this faverd land. I never flatterd him, and he nose it. Jelus Constitooshinal Advisers hev endevored to make breeches atwixt us, but it warnt in thar boots to do it. We hev hed our tiffs, and I hev sumtimes spoken my mind about him in my curryspondence, with a straitforrardness that would hev subjeckted ennyboddy else to a letter de catch it, and a melankoly emprisonment in Fort Laugheryet. "But no," sed his Eggsellency, "he means well, and I won't hev him mislested."

I hev called this vollum "The War Letters of a Disbanded Volunteer", bekase the most of the epistols hes ben written senst the war commenst, tho it will be seen that they begin inmediently arter the eleckshin of my illustrus frend. The reader will notis thars a brake in the curryspondence. It stops at April 4, 1861, and runs on agen from July 4 of the same year. Doorin the hihaters I was engaged in activ pershoots, and hed no time for letteratoor. But the moment it was possabul I returnt to Abraham, who tuck me back with rapter to his bizness and buzzum. In conclushin, I would say that my idee in publershin the letters in a collected form is, to place the karrickter and services of that Destingwished Statesman in thar troo light afore my kentrymen, with a vew to biass and inflewence thar feelins and judgments, when they go to the poles, in November next.

CONTENTS.

• I.
  —The Disbanded Volunteer Complains that his whereabouts has been Misrepresented, and Explains that he is on a Visit to Mr. Lincoln, President-Elect, at Springfield, Illinois, 11
• II.
  —He Refers to Mr. Lincoln's Difficulties with the Office-seekers, and Hints that Old Abe's Forte is Conundrums, of which he Introduces some Lively Specimens, 13
• III.
  —Interesting Incidents of Old Abe's Journey from Springfield to Washington, 16
• IV.
  —More about the Journey, and some very remarkable Jokes by his Excellency-Elect, 19
• V.
  —Perils on the Route—The Assassination Plot—The Alarm of the Ladies—The Bolt from Harrisburgh—Old Abe and the Disbanded in Washington, 22
• VI.
  —Remarks on the Inaugural—A Shower of Conundrums—Wonderful Humor of A. L. 25
• VII.
  —The Disbanded Ventures an Opinion (not a very correct one) as to the Probabilities of War—More Comic Hits by the Star of the West, 27
• VIII.
  —The President, in View of his Heavy Responsibilities, Becomes Serious and Jokes lugubriously, 30
• IX.
  —The Disbanded is slightly Disgusted with Matters and Things in Washington, and Resolves to Leave that City and Intermit his Letters for a while, 33
• X.
  —The Veteran, after an Intermission of three Months, Recommences his Correspondence—He has been Offered a Brigadier-Generalship, but Declined, 35
• XI.
  —Queer Communication of Jeff Davis to the President—A Challenge, and how the Messenger who Brought it was Treated—Mendacious Reports of the Situation, 37
• XII.
  —Shoddy Swindlers—"On to Richmond"—The Army on the War Path, 40
• XIII.
  —Battle of Bull Run—The Disbanded Cheers up Old Abe, 43
• XIV.
  —Reports and Rumors—Prince Napoleon at the White House Banquet—Button-busters Extraordinary, 46
• XV.
  —The Disbanded Pitches into the "Washington Correspondents", and Tells as big a Story as any of them without Violating any Confidence, 49
• XVI.
  —W. H. Russell, LL. D., gets a Dressing for his Report of the Bull Run Battle, 52
• XVII.
  —Female Spies in Washington—How they Convey "Aid and Conform to the Enemy", 54
• XVIII.
  —The Fort Hatteras Victory—Professor Low—Tribulations of the Petticoat Traitors, 57
• XIX.
  —Views of the Cabinet on the War—Compliment to the Emperor of Russia, 60
• XX.
  —An Avalanche of Humor from the White House—published by permission, 63
• XXI.
  —Minutes of a Remarkable Conversation with Mr. Lincoln—The Disbanded's Advice to him, 66
• XXII.
  —News from Rebeldom Picked up by the Disbanded's Private Spy 68
• XXIII.
  —A Call at the Executive Mansion—Sparks of Wit—The Disbanded Hungry for a Fight, 71
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• XXIV.
  —The Edward's Ferry Disaster—A Heavy Dig at Military Incompetency, 73
• XXV.
  —The Disbanded Relates the Particulars of a Diabolical Dream he had, 76
• XXVI.
  —Didactic, but funny, 78
• XXVII.
  —A Grand Crow over Dupont's Naval Victory at Hilton Head, 81
• XXVIII.
  —Tenderness to Spies and Traitors—Mason and Slidell, 84
• XXIX.
  —The "On to Richmond" Yawp—A Chat with McClellan and Abe—Wonderful Facetiousness of the latter, 86
• XXX.
  —Satirical Passage-at-arms between the President and Secretary Cameron—The Secretary Floored, 89
• XXXI.
  —The Disbanded Touches on the Negro Soldier Question—Slightly—Louis Philippe's Grandsons 92
• XXXII.
  —The Row with England about the Trent—A Prediction that no War will Come of it, 94
• XXXIII.
  —Christmas Day (1861), in Camp at Arlington Heights—The Banquet and the Toasts—Fun Alive, 97
• XXXIV.
  —The Disbanded Pitches into Official Corruption—A Regular Flaying of the Public Thieves, 100
• XXXV.
  —The Jokes Attributed by the Disbanded to Abe, all Authentic—Official Confirmation of their Genuineness, 103
• XXXVI.
  —Another Hit at the Corruptionists—News from Dixie—Petticoats Taken for Wadding, 105
• XXXVII.
  —A Bitter Raid on the Shoddyites—The Van Wyck Report—A Mistake about Charleston, 107
• XXXVIII.
  —Glorious News from the South and West—The President Lets himself Out on the Occasion—Humor in Chunks, 110
• XXXIX.
  —The Disbanded Rejoices over Recent Victories—The President's Birthday—Secession in a Funk, 113
• XL.
  —Jeff Davis's Inauguration, Convulsively Reported, 115
• XLI.
  —Astounding Rumors!—The Censors of the Press—Old Abe's Proposition to Bribe the Slaveholders to Emancipate their Darkeys, 117
• XLII.
  —The Disbanded in the Field—What he Picked up at Manassas, 120
• LXIII. XLIII.
  —Amazing Exploits of the Veteran—His Sword Mightier than his Pen, 123
• XLIV.
  —The Disbanded Fights his Battles o'er Again—extensively, 126
• XLV.
  —The Military Reptile Snaking Along—Rebels on the Run, 129
• XLVI
  —The Disbanded on McClellan's Staff—A Superhuman Army—Rumors about the Merrimac, 132
• XLVII.
  —The Sacred Soil in April—Balloon Investigations—A Bit of Quiet Satire, but Strong, 134
• XLVIII.
  —Proposed Assault on Yorktown, Rain or Shine—The D. V. Hopes to Write his next Letter in the Rebel Works, 137
• XLIX.
  —He Ascends in a Balloon, and Comes Down in a Parachute, 141
• L.
  —Williamsburg Evacuated by the Rebs—A Fearful Vision—The Disbanded Blown up—mildly, 144
• LI.
  —He is Tormented by Disloyal Mocking-Birds—Warm Welcome from Cuffee, Dinah & Co., 147
• LII.
  —Only Nine Miles from Richmond! 150
• LIII.
  —A Slap at Beauregard—McClellan the Idol of the Army of the Potomac—A Sly Dig at Banks, 151
• LIV.
  —The Battle of Fair Oaks—Miraculous Escape of the Disbanded—Only Three Miles from Richmond! 154
• LV.
  —A Lull, which the D. V. Improves to make a few Remarks on the Battle, 157
• LVI.
  —Spades are Trumps—Refugee Stories, Rich, if not Reliable, 159
• LVII.
  —The Great Fight at Hand—McClellan quotes the Divine William—H. J. Raymond on the Crusades, 162
• LVIII.
  —"We are Whipt"—The Army Holds Stanton Responsible, 165
• LIX.
  —Harrison's Landing—Visit of the President, who Exchanges Jokes with the D. V., 168
• LX.
  —Bitter Pokes at the Mercenary Politicians—What the Soldiers Think, 171
• LXI.
  —Horrors of Congestive Fever—Almost Incredible Hallucinations of the Disbanded, 173
• LXII.
  —He Grumbles at the Result of the Peninsular Campaign, 176
• LXIII.
  —The Army Advances Backward, but is Going to do Wonders, by-and-by, 179
• LXIV.
  —Aquia Creek—All Newspaper Correspondents (except the D. V.) Ordered to Leave—Union Plans for the Coming Campaign in the Hands of the Enemy! 182
• LXV.
  —Washington Probably Safe—Lincoln Cheerful, and Mrs. L. Salubrious, 185
• LXVI.
  —Confidential Relations between the Disbanded and the President, 188
• LXVII.
  —Things, go along Pretty Nicely, under their Joint Management, 191
• LXVIII.
  —The Disbanded Claims the Emancipation Proclamation as his Thunder, 194
• LXIX.
  —Honest Abe's Estimate of the Cost of sending 4,000,000 of Contrabands to Hayti, 197
• LXX.
  —A Defence of the President, and a Specimen of his Unparalleled Humor, 199
• LXXI.
  —Inconveniences of being known as Old Abe's Right-hand Man, 203
• LXXII.
  —Proposed Theatricals at the White House—Another Side-splitter by its Gifted Occupant, 206
• LXXIII.
  —Perfect Harmony of Opinion between the President and His Disinterested Adviser—Their Joint Views, 209
• LXXIV.
  —The President in Caucus with the Disbanded—A Possum Story, 211
• LXXV.
  —Discouragements—Old Abe Wavers, 214
• LXXVI.
  —The Disbanded is Consulted about the Message—He Assists to Get it up, 217
• LXXVII.
  —Mr. Stanton, under Pressure, Concludes to Open the "Bastiles", 219
• LXXVIII.
  —The Message Discussed—Approaching Movements of the Army, 222
• LXXIX.
  —Dash Across the Rappahannock—The D. V. Takes the Responsibility—A Palaver with Old Abe, 225
• LXXX.
  —Another Curious Confab with Mr. Lincoln—His Resignation Suggested—Tall Talk, 228
• LXXXI.
  —The Disbanded Cauterizes Incompetency, 231
• LXXXII.
  —He Commences the New Year (1863) in a Bitterly Sarcastic Vein, 234
• LXXXIII.
  —A Very Remarkable Conversation on the Emancipation Act, &c., &c., 237
• LXXXIV.
  —Trying to Ruin a Great Country—Apology for the President, 239
• LXXXV.
  —The Disbanded Endeavors to Show that Mr. Lincoln is not a Foo-foo, 242
• LXXXVI.
  —Hon. Gideon Welles Gets it Hot and Heavy, 244
• LXXXVII.
  —The Sabine Pass Affair—More Brigadiers—Fidelity of the Disbanded to the President, 247
• LXXXVIII.
  —The Conscription—Soldiers' Pay, 249
• LXXXIX.
  —Honest Old Abe & Co. the Strongest Political Firm on Earth—Pressure for Halleck's Removal, 252
• XC.
  —Sketch of the President's Antecedents—His Mild and Motherly Nature, 255
• XCI.
  —Shoulder Straps in Showers—Provost Marshals—The "Hard-Tack" Question, 258
• XCII.
  -Butler and Fry—The Disbanded Poetizes—Capturing a Brigadier in his Night-Shirt, 261
• XCIII.
  —Sarcastic to the Last Degree, especially on Welles, 263
• XCIV.
  —The Situation—Mr. Lincoln Declines to be as Funny as Usual, until after the Fast, 266
• XCV.
  —The Copperhead Collapse in Connecticut—Millinery Riots at Richmond, 269
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• XCVI.
  —The Check at Charleston—The Disbanded's Prophecy Confirmed, 271
• XCVII.
  —Things Look Brighter for E Pluribus Unum—The Sacred Soil Drying up, 274
• XCVIII.
  —A Ride in the Suburbs of Washington—Dialogue with a "Buckskin", 276
• XCIX.
  —The Chancellorsville Battle—General Schurz's Division on the Stampede, 279
• C.
  —Supposed Victory a Defeat—Hooker's Retreat, 282
• CI.
  —A Talk with Abraham about Arbitrary Arrests, 285
• CII.
  —A Cabinet Meeting—Wonderful Wit and 'Cuteness of the President—The Secretaries Floored, 287
• CIII.
  —His Excellency's Prophetic Wisdom Confirmed by Facts—Praying and Believing, 290
• CIV.
  —The Father of Fibs at Work—Contradictory Rumors—The President Non committal, 293
• CV.
  —Curious Plans for Defending Washington—Mr. Lincoln is not a Bit Afraid, 296
• CVI.
  —The Disbanded is Reticent—Declines Telling all he Knows—Racy Talk with Hooker, 299
• CVII.
  —A Reconnoissance in Disguise Resolved upon by the Disbanded—Description of his Disguise, 302
• CVIII.
  —He Passes Through Many Perils Unharmed, and Returns to Abraham's Bosom, 305
• CIX.
  —The Veteran gives his Opinion of the New York Riots—He Exults over Late Union Successes, 308
• CX.
  —He Hopes for a Speedy Peace, and a Reconstructed Union, 310