Wright American Fiction

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Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874, by CHARLES HEBER CLARK, in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. WESTCOTT & THOMSON, Stereotypers and Electrotypers, Philada.

DEDICATION.

I HAVE resolved to dedicate this book to a humorist who has had too little fame, to the most delicious, because the most unconscious, humorist, to that widely-scattered and multitudinous comedian who may be expressed in the concrete as THE INTELLIGENT COMPOSITOR.

To his habit of perpetrating felicitous absurdities I am indebted for "laughter that is worth a hundred groans." It was he who put into type an article of mine which contained the remark, "Filtration is sometimes accomplished with the assistance of albumen," and transformed it into "Flirtation is sometimes accomplished with the resistance of aldermen." It was he who caused me to misquote the poet's inquiry, so that I propounded to the world the appalling conundrum, "Where are the dead, the varnished dead?" And it was his glorious tendency to make the sublime convulsively ridiculous that rejected the line in a poem of mine, which declared that a "comet swept o'er the heavens with its trailing skirt," and substituted the idea that a "count slept in the haymow in a traveling shirt." The kind of talent that is here displayed deserves profound reverence. It is wonderful and awful; and thus I offer it a token of my marveling respect.

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PREFACE.

IT seems to be necessary to say a few words in reference to the contents of this volume as I offer it to the public. Several of the incidents related in the story have already appeared in print, and have been copied in various newspapers throughout the country. Sometimes they have been attributed to the author; but more frequently they have been given either without any name attached to them, or they have been credited to persons who probably never saw them. The best of the anecdotes have been imitated, but none of them, I believe, are imitations. I make this statement, so that if the reader should happen to encounter anything that has a familiar appearance, he may understand that he has the original and not a copy before him. But a very large portion of the matter contained in the book is entirely new, and is now published for the first time; while all the rest of it has been rewritten and improved, so that it is as good as new.

If this little venture shall achieve popularity, I must attribute the fact largely to the admirable pictures with which it has been adorned by the artists whose names appear upon the title page. All of these gentlemen have my hearty thanks for the efforts they have made to accomplish the best results; but while I express my appreciation of the beautiful landscapes of Mr. Schell, the admirable drawings of Mr. Sheppard and the excellent designs of Mr. Bensell, I wish to direct attention especially to the humorous pictures of Mr. Arthur B. page: 6-7 (Table of Contents) [View Page 6-7 (Table of Contents) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 6-7 (Table of Contents) Frost. This artist makes his first appearance before the public in these pages. These are the only drawings upon wood that he has ever executed, and they are so nicely illustrative of the text, they display so much originality and versatility, and they have such genial humor, with so little extravagance and exaggeration, that they seem to me surely to give promise of a prosperous career for the artist.

It is customary upon these occasions to say something of an apologetic nature for the purpose of inducing the public to believe that the author regards with humility the work of which he is really exceedingly proud—something that will tend to soften the blows which are expected from ferocious and cruel critics. But I believe I have nothing of this kind to offer. If I thought the book required an apology, I would not publish it. Any reviewer who does not like it is at liberty to say so; and I am the more ready to accord him this permission because I am impressed with the conviction that he will hit as hard as he wants to whether I give him leave or withhold it. All I ask is that the volume shall have fair play. If it is successful as an attempt to construct a book of humor which will contribute to innocent popular amusement without violating the laws that govern the construction and orthography of the English language, and as an effort to give pleasure to sensible grown people without offering entertainment to children and idiots, it deserves commendation. If it is a failure in these respects, then it ought to be suppressed, for it certainly has no mighty moral purpose, and it is not designed to reform anything on earth but the personal fortunes of the author.

CONTENTS.

• CHAPTER I. The founder of New Castle—A search for quietness—Life in the city and in the village—Why the latter is preferable—Peculiarities of the village—A sleepy old town—We erect our family altar. 25
• CHAPTER II. A very dangerous invention—The patent combination stepladder—Domestic servants—Advertising for a girl—The peasant-girl of fact and fiction—A contrast. 36
• CHAPTER III. The view upon the river—A magnificent panorama—Mr. and Mrs. Cooley—Matrimonial infelicities—The case of Mrs. Sawyer—A blighted life—A present—Our century plant and its peculiarities. 47
• CHAPTER IV. Judge Pitman—His experiment in the barn—A lesson in natural history—Catching the early train—One of the miseries of living in the village—Ball's lung exercise—Mr. Cooley's impertinence. 56
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• CHAPTER V. A little love affair—Cowardice of Mr. Parker—Popular interest in amatory matters—The Magruder family—An event in its history—Remarkable experiments by Mrs. Magruder—An indignant husband—A question answered. 68
• CHAPTER VI. The editor of our daily paper—The appearance and personal characteristics of Colonel Bangs—The affair with the tomb-stone—Art news—Colonel Bangs in the heat of a political campaign—Peculiar troubles of public singers—The phenomena of menageries—Extraordinary sagacity of the animals—The Wild Man of Afghanistan. 84
• CHAPTER VII. The Battery and its peculiarities—A lovely scene—Swede and Dutchman two hundred years ago—Old names of the river—Indian names generally—Cooley's boy—His adventure in church—The long and the short of it—Mr. Cooley's dog and our troubles with it. 99
• CHAPTER VIII. The Morning Argus creates a sensation—A new editor—Mr. Slimmer the poet—An obituary department—Mr. Slimmer on death—Extraordinary scene in the sanctum of Colonel Bangs—Indignant advertisers—The colonel violently assaulted—Observations of the poet—The final catastrophe—Mysterious conduct of Bob Parker—The accident on Magruder's porch—Mrs. Adeler on the subject of obituary poetry in general. 113
• CHAPTER IX. The reason why I purchased a horse—A peculiar characteristic—Driving by the river—Our horse as a persecutor—He becomes a genuine nightmare—Experimenting with his tail—How our horse died—In relation to pirates—Mrs. Jones's bold corsair—A lamentable tale. 134
• CHAPTER X. A picturesque church—Some reflections upon church music—Bob Parker in the choir—Our undertaker—A gloomy man—Our experience with the hot-air furnaces—A series of accidents—Mr. Collamer's vocalism—An extraordinary mistake. 152
• CHAPTER XI. A fishing excursion down the river—Difficulties of the voyage—A series of unfortunate incidents—Our return home, and how we were received—A letter upon the general subject of angling—The sorrows of the fishermen—Lieutenant Smiley—His recollections of Rev. Mr. Blodgett—A very remarkable missionary. 164
• CHAPTER XII. How the plumber fixed my boiler—A vexatious business—How he didn't come to time, and what the ultimate result was—An accident; and the pathetic story of young Chubb—Reminiscences of General Chubb—The eccentricities of an absent-minded man—The rivals—Parker versus Smiley. 183
• CHAPTER XIII. An evil day—Flogging-time in New Castle—How the punishment is inflicted—A few remarks upon the general merits of the system—A singular judge—How George Washington Busby was sentenced—Emotions of the prisoner—A cruel infliction, and a code that ought to be reformed. 200
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• CHAPTER XIV. A Delaware legend—A story of the old time—The Christmas play—A cruel accusation—The flight in the darkness along the river shore—The trial and the condemnation—St. Pillory's day seventy years ago—Flogging a woman—The deliverance. 211
• CHAPTER XV. A very disagreeable predicament—Wild exultation of Parker—He makes an important announcement—An interview with the old man—The embarrassment of Mr. Sparks, and how he overcame it—A story of Bishop Potts—The miseries of too much consolidation—How Potts suffered, and what his end was. 237
• CHAPTER XVI. Old Fort Kasimir—Two centuries ago—The goblins of the lane—An outrage upon Pitman's cow—The judge discusses the subject of bitters—How Cooley came home—Turning off the gas—A frightful accident in the Argus office—The terrible fate of Archibald Watson—How Mr. Bergner taught Sunday-school. 255
• CHAPTER XVII. A dismal sort of day—A few able remarks about umbrellas—The umbrella in a humorous aspect—The calamity that befell Colonel Coombs—An ambitious but miserable monarch—The influence of umbrellas on the weather—An improved weather system—A little nonsense—Judge Pitman's views of weather of various kinds. 278
• CHAPTER XVIII. Trouble for the hero and heroine—A broken engagement and a forlorn damsel—Bob Parker's suffering—A formidable encounter—The peculiar conduct of a dumb animal—Cooley's boy and his home discipline—A story of an echo. 293
• CHAPTER XIX. A certificate concerning Pitman's hair—Unendurable persecution—A warning to men with bald-headed friends—An explanation—The slanderer discovered—Benjamin P. Gunn—A model life-insurance agent. 306
• CHAPTER XX. A certain remarkable book—A few suggestions respecting Boston—Delusions of childhood—Bullying General Gage—Judge Pitman and the catechism—An extraordinary blunder—The facts in the case of Hillegass—A false alarm. 324
• CHAPTER XXI. Settling the business—Vindication of Mr. Bob Parker—A complete reconciliation—The great Cooley inquest—The uncertainty in regard to Thomas Cooley—A phenomenal coroner—The solution of the mystery. 334
• CHAPTER XXII. An arrival—A present from a Congressman—Meditation upon his purpose—The patent-office report of the future—A plan for revolutionizing public documents and opening a new department in literature—Our trip to Salem—A tragical event—The last of Lieutenant Smiley. 350
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• CHAPTER XXIII. Pitman as a politician—He is nominated for the Legislature—How he was serenaded, and what the result was—I take a hand at politics—The story of my first political speech—My reception at Dover—Misery of a man with only one speech—The scene at the mass meeting—A frightful discomfiture. 363
• CHAPTER XXIV. The wedding-day—Enormous excitement in the village—Preparations for the event—The conduct of Bob Parker—The ceremony at the church, and the company at Magruder's—A last look at some old friends—Departure of the bride and groom—Some uncommonly solemn reflections, and then—The end. 387

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.

• 1.—FRONTISPIECE.
• 2.—TITLE PAGE. 1
• 3.—THE FOUNDER OF THE VILLAGE (Initial Letter). 25
• 4.—A PROFESSOR OF MUSIC. 26
• 5.—A DISGUSTED AGRICULTURIST. 28
• 6.—NEW CASTLE FROM THE RIVER (Full Page). 32
• 7.—THE REAL PEASANT-GIRL (Initial Letter). 36
• 8.—A DANGEROUS INVENTION. 37
• 9.—THE EARLY MORNING FIRE. 39
• 10.—THE IDEAL PEASANT-GIRL. 42
• 11.—UNSYMMETRICAL COLD BEEF. 43
• 12.—THE VIEW DOWN THE RIVER (Full Page). 46
• 13.—A FAMILY JAR (Initial Letter). 47
• 14.—A MUSICAL NAVIGATOR. 48
• 15.—THE NOCTURNAL DOG. 49
• 16.—MR. SAWYER'S NOSE. 52
• 17.—THE MAN WITH THE CENTURY PLANT. 53
• 18.—A LIVELY VEGETABLE. 54
• 19.—JUDGE PITMAN'S BAG (Initial Letter). 56
• 20.—THE JUDGE INTRODUCES HIMSELF. 57
• 21.—PITMAN'S MUSICAL EXPERIMENT. 59
• 22.—THAT INFAMOUS EGG. 60
• 23.—THE DOG BY THE WAYSIDE. 61
• 24.—CATCHING THE AIN. 61
• 25.—HAULED IN. 62
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• 26.—MY LUNG EXERCISE. 64
• 27.—AN ALTERCATION WITH COOLEY. 66
• 28.—A FEMALE PROFESSOR (Initial Letter). 68
• 29.—THE LAMP TURNED LOW. 68
• 30.—STUDYING UP. 69
• 31.—PARKER RELATING HIS WOES. 69
• 32.—MAGRUDER'S WOOING. 72
• 33.—A QUEER FEELING IN HIS HEAD. 72
• 34.—MAGRUDER TELLS HIS BROTHER. 73
• 35.—THE CLASS GOING UP. 74
• 36.—A SECRETED OBSERVER. 74
• 37.—A GENERAL ATTACK ON THE SUBJECT (Full Page). 78
• 38.—PEEPING THROUGH THE CRACK. 79
• 39.—A FURIOUS HUSBAND. 80
• 40.—AN ASININE BEING (Initial Letter). 84
• 41.—THE COLONEL'S BRAVERY. 85
• 42.—AN INTERVIEW WITH COOLEY. 86
• 43.—THAT TOMBSTONE. 87
• 44.—MR. MULLINS EXPLAINS. 88
• 45.—EXIT MURPHY. 89
• 46.—A LATE CALL. 91
• 47.—A CAPTIVE MAIDEN. 91
• 48.—EXCAVATING HER. 92
• 49.—HER FEET. 92
• 50.—THAT ANTIQUARIAN. 92
• 51.—THE RAGING RHINOCEROS. 94
• 52.—THE KING OF BEASTS. 94
• 53.—THE RIVAL LOVERS. 96
• 54.—ON THE SETTEE. 96
• 55.—SHE SAT ON HIM. 97
• 56.—TOO THIN. 97
• 57.—THE WILD MAN. 98
• 58.—THE FAT WOMAN. 98
• 59.—THE BOY OF THE PERIOD (Initial Letter). 99
• 60.—THE BATTERY (Full Page). 102
• 61.—AN ANCIENT WARRIOR. 103
• 62.—A RAID ON THE MELON-PATCH. 105
• 63.—COMMUNING WITH JONES'S BOY. 106
• 64.—HELD FAST. 107
• 65.—THE SOLEMNITY OF JONES. 107
• 66.—TAKING HIM OUT. 108
• 67.—NOT MATCHED. 109
• 68.—DOSING A CUR. 110
• 69.—OVER THE FENCE AND BACK AGAIN. 110
• 70.—MUCH TOO FAITHFUL. 111
• 71.—CRUELTY TO AN ANIMAL. 112
• 72.—REMOVING A MOUTHFUL. 112
• 73.—A PATRON OF THE "ARGUS" (Initial Letter). 113
• 74.—THE POET. 114
• 75.—THE EDITOR EXPLAINING HIS VIEWS. 115
• 76.—THE THROES OF COMPOSITION. 116
• 77.—A ROW OF READERS. 117
• 78.—TAKING A PEEP. 117
• 79.—THE SCENE IN THE SANCTUM. 118
• 80.—THAT MONKEY. 119
• 81.—MRS. SMITH'S WOE. 120
• 82.—BARTHOLOMEW'S INDIGNANT FATHER. 122
• 83.—MR. McFADDEN. 124
• 84.—THE EDITOR MEETS THE POET. 126
• 85.—THE COLONEL IN A TIGHT PLACE. 127
• 86.—GOING UP STAIRS. 128
• 87.—IN HIGHLAND COSTUME. 130
• 88.—WHY BOB STAYED. 130
• 89.—SAWING HIM OUT. 131
• 90.—MRS. ADELER'S VIEWS. 132
• 91.—BOB'S TROUSERS. 133
• 92.—THE NEW MAZEPPA (Initial Letter). 134
• 93.—COOLEY AT AN AUCTION. 135
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• 94.—OUR URBANE HORSE. 136
• 95.—TRYING TO CATCH UP. 138
• 96.—KICKING. 139
• 97.—A NIGHTMARE. 140
• 98.—HAUNTED. 141
• 99.—AN ARTIFICIAL TAIL. 142
• 100.—A DEMORALIZED HORSE. 142
• 101.—IT CAME OFF!. 143
• 102.—THE MELODRAMATIC FREEBOOTER. 144
• 103.—MRS. JONES'S PIRATE. 145
• 104.—SWEEPING THE HORIZON. 146
• 105.—THE WEEKLY WASH. 146
• 106.—HAILING THE "MARY JANE." 147
• 107.—A GENERAL MASSACRE. 147
• 108.—THE PATERNAL JONES. 148
• 109.—SHE PUTS ON HER THINGS. 148
• 110.—SLAYING THE CAPTAIN. 149
• 111.—"FALSE! FALSE!" 150
• 112.—MORE BUTCHERY. 150
• 113.—SUICIDE OF THE WIDOW. 150
• 114.—THE WRECK OF MRS. JONES. 151
• 115.—A CHORISTER (Initial Letter). 152
• 116.—THE SPIRE. 153
• 117.—SINFUL GAMES. 154
• 118.—THE OLD CHURCH (Full Page). 156
• 119.—A CHINESE PRAYER. 157
• 120.—THE MINISTER AND I. 157
• 121.—IN THE PIPE. 158
• 122.—BOB IN THE CHOIR. 158
• 123.—THE UNDERTAKER'S SIGN. 159
• 124.—A GLOOMY MAN. 160
• 125.—VERY WARM WORK. 161
• 126.—COLLAMER FALLS IN. 161
• 127.—THE CLERGYMAN. 162
• 128.—COLLAMER SINGS. 162
• 129.—HE ASKS A QUESTION. 163
• 130.—A RIBALD BOY. 163
• 131.—A FISHERMAN (Initial Letter). 164
• 132.—BRINGING 'EM HOME. 164
• 133.—PUSHING OFF. 165
• 134.—WE CHANGE PLACES. 165
• 135.—COOLING OFF. 166
• 136.—WAITING FOR BITES. 166
• 137.—ANCHOR GONE. 166
• 138.—FIXING AN OAR. 167
• 139.—LOST HIM. 167
• 140.—SAVED. 167
• 141.—A TANGLE. 168
• 142.—THE MAN WHO OWNED THE BOAT. 168
• 143.—A SUCCESSOR OF IZAAK WALTON. 169
• 144.—A DISHEARTENED DIGGER. 170
• 145.—TEARS. 171
• 146.—WATCHING THE CORK. 171
• 147.—A NAKED HOOK. 171
• 148.—THE LAST MATCH. 172
• 149.—CAUGHT ON A LIMB. 173
• 150.—A PLAYFUL EEL. 174
• 151.—WRIGGLING. 174
• 152.—PULLING IN. 175
• 153.—THAT INFAMOUS BOY. 175
• 154.—A SOUTH SEA ISLANDER. 177
• 155.—MR. BLODGETT, MISSIONARY. 177
• 156.—GOING TO THE PICNIC. 177
• 157.—THE VESTRY MEETING. 178
• 158.—PUTTING THEM TO SLEEP. 178
• 159.—THE FUNERAL SERVICE. 179
• 160.—THE REMAINING WARDEN. 179
• 161.—GOING HOME. 180
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• 162.—HE PADDLED HIS OWN CANOE. 180
• 163.—SMASHING POOR MOTT. 181
• 164.—A FIJIAN. 182
• 165.—OUR PLUMBER (Initial Letter)183
• 166.—HE EXAMINES THE RANGE. 184
• 167.—I MEET HIM. 184
• 168.—HOW HE GOES TO WILMINGTON. 184
• 169.—AN INDIGNANT ARTISAN. 185
• 170.—ON THE ASPARAGUS BED. 185
• 171.—THE CONDITION OF MY GRASS-PLOT. 186
• 172.—AT THE FRONT GATE. 186
• 173.—A VIEW OF THE RUINS. 187
• 174.—WATCHING. 188
• 175.—ONE OF THE ROBBERS. 188
• 176.—MR. NIPPERS ENTERS. 188
• 177.—I EXPOSTULATE WITH NIPPERS. 189
• 178.—MRS. COOLEY'S SERVANT. 190
• 179.—SHE SHAKES HENRY. 190
• 180.—BOB AS AN AUTHOR. 191
• 181.—YOUNG CHUBB. 191
• 182.—MYSTERIOUS MUSIC. 192
• 183.—"WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?" 193
• 184.—TRYING TO MAKE HIM DISGORGE. 193
• 185.—HENRY'S BROTHER TRIES PRESSURE. 194
• 186.—EXIT WITH THE SEXTON. 194
• 187.—THE TOMB OF CHUBB. 195
• 188.—GENERAL CHUBB'S LEGS. 196
• 189.—THE INFLUENCE OF ART. 197
• 190.—THE GENERAL DIVES IN. 197
• 191.—THROUGH THE CANVAS. 197
• 192.—PILLORIED (Initial Letter). 200
• 193.—INFANT SPECTATORS. 201
• 194.—THE WHIPPING-POST. 201
• 195.—AN ANCIENT CUSTOM. 202
• 196.—THAT REMARKABLE JUDGE. 204
• 197.—GEORGE WASHINGTON BUSBY. 205
• 198.—THE JURY. 205
• 199.—MATERNAL LOVE. 206
• 200.—MANHOOD'S TOIL. 206
• 201.—BUSBY WHISPERS TO THE TIPSTAFF. 207
• 202.—MORE HOPEFUL STILL. 207
• 203.—HIS INFANT STEPS. 208
• 204.—BUSBY'S HEART GROWS LIGHTER. 209
• 205.—THE THUNDERBOLT FALLS. 209
• 206.—LEADING HIM OUT. 210
• 207.—WIELDING THE LASH (Initial Letter). 211
• 208.—HOB-NOBBING. 212
• 209.—THE MAJOR IN A SULK. 213
• 210.—THE LOVERS. 215
• 211.—"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" 217
• 212.—THE FLIGHT BY THE RIVER. 219
• 213.—DICK CONFESSES. 226
• 214.—WEARING THE WOODEN COLLAR. 228
• 215.—A FLOGGING SEVENTY YEARS AGO (Full Page). 230
• 216.—PARDONED. 233
• 217.—A BROKEN MAN. 235
• 218.—THE MARKET GREEN AND THE OLD CHURCH. 236
• 219.—A JUVENILE MUSICIAN (Initial Letter). 237
• 220.—CAUGHT. 238
• 221.—CAN'T REACH IT. 238
• 222.—CREEPING OUT. 239
• 223.—BACK AGAIN IN A HURRY. 239
• 224.—A MIGHTY UGLY SITUATION. 240
• 225.—LISTENING. 240
• 226.—PARKER EXULTS. 241
• 227.—THE SECOND HORNPIPE. 241
• 228.—HE SURVEYS HER DWELLING. 241
• 229.—OLD SPARKS'S SACRED DUST. 244
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• 230.—A CONSCIENTIOUS TOMBSTONE. 244
• 231.—BISHOP POTTS. 246
• 232.—A WARM WELCOME. 246
• 233.—A SURPRISE FOR THE BISHOP. 247
• 234.—THE BRIDE GOES HOME IN A ROW. 248
• 235.—POTTS MEDITATES. 249
• 236.—WAVING FAREWELL. 249
• 237.—THE BISHOP IS CONFOUNDED. 250
• 238.—STARTING THE THIRD TIME. 252
• 239.—POTTS BECOMES HYSTERICAL. 253
• 240.—THE PERUVIAN MONK. 253
• 241.—THE MANIAC DOCTOR. 253
• 242.—BOB GIVES AN OPINION. 254
• 243.—POTTS'S CHILD. 254
• 244.—ON THE RAMPARTS (Initial Letter). 255
• 245.—THE SITE OF FORT KASIMIR (Full Page). 258
• 246.—MODERN WARRIORS. 259
• 247.—A DUTCH GOBLIN. 260
• 248.—PITMAN TELLS OF HIS GRIEFS. 260
• 249.—A TROUBLESOME COW. 261
• 250.—THAT SCANDALOUS BLIND-BOARD. 261
• 251.—THE TEMPERANCE SOCIETY MAKES AN INSPECTION. 262
• 252.—"I'LL KNOCK THE STUFFIN' OUT O' HIM." 262
• 253.—THE JUDGE'S BITTERS ADVERTISEMENTS. 263
• 254.—HE TAKES A TONIC. 263
• 255.—ANOTHER DOZEN. 264
• 256.—COOLEY'S ILLUMINATED NOSE. 265
• 257.—"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE." 266
• 258.—"THERE WAS MRS. COOLEY A-WATCHIN'." 266
• 259.—DR. HOPKINS IS AMAZED. 267
• 260.—APPALLING INTELLIGENCE. 268
• 261.—THE COMMODORE'S TOMB. 269
• 262.—THE FALL OF SIMMS. 270
• 263.—"KNOCK 'EM WITH A POLE." 270
• 264.—HIT BY AN APPLE. 271
• 265.—TIM KEYSER'S NOSE. 272
• 266.—"HE SLID AROUND SO QUICK." 272
• 267.—"HE CUT AN OPENING IN THE ICE." 273
• 268.—THE PICKEREL BITES. 273
• 269.—"THE BETTER OF THE FIGHT." 274
• 270.—"AND PULLED TIM KEYSER THROUGH." 274
• 271.—UNDER WATER. 275
• 272.—AN AWFUL SNEEZE. 275
• 273.—HE FLOATS ASHORE. 276
• 274.—"HE VERY ROUNDLY SWORE." 276
• 275.—AT DINNER. 277
• 276.—A VERY WET TIME (Initial Letter). 278
• 277.—A DAMP FISHERMAN. 279
• 278.—FORLORN. 279
• 279.—THE COMIC UMBRELLA. 280
• 280.—DELICATE WARRIORS. 281
• 281.—THE EXPERIMENT OF COOMBS. 281
• 282.—AN EMBARRASSED PANTHER. 282
• 283.—BRINGING HOME THE MONSTER. 282
• 284.—GETTING READY FOR ACTION. 283
• 285.—THE MEDICINE MAN DIES. 283
• 286.—COOLEY AWAITS THE SIMOOM. 286
• 287.—THE JUDGE ENJOYS THE WEATHER. 290
• 288.—PERFECTLY SATISFIED. 291
• 289.—THE GENUINE WEATHER-GAUGE. 292
• 290.—"A FRIEND OF MAN" (Initial Letter). 293
• 291.—THE IMPETUOSITY OF BOB. 296
• 292.—A SOMNAMBULIST. 297
• 293.—A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE. 297
• 294.—DREAMING OF MAGRUDER. 297
• 295.—UNDER THE BED. 298
• 296.—BOB IS AMAZED. 298
• 297.—HUNTING FOR HENRY. 298
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• 298.—THE MYSTERY UNRAVELED. 299
• 299.—"PERFECTLY STILL." 300
• 300.—THE CONSEQUENCES OF A SNEEZE. 301
• 301.—THE DOG LEAVES. 301
• 302.—I SUDDENLY CLIMB THE FENCE. 301
• 303.—SOLD. 302
• 304.—"COMMERE TO ME." 302
• 305.—A VICTIM. 303
• 306.—A HUMAN ECHO. 304
• 307.—IT WON'T ANSWER. 304
• 308.—AFTER THAT BOY. 305
• 309.—A BALD-HEADED PARTY (Initial Letter). 306
• 310.—A DELUGE OF LETTERS. 308
• 311.—MRS. SINGERLY'S POODLE. 309
• 312.—THE RALLY OF THE BALDHEADED. 309
• 313.—A MICROSCOPIC EXAMINATION. 310
• 314.—BENJAMIN P. GUNN. 313
• 315.—A VISIT TO MRS. KEMPER. 315
• 316.—GUNN WAITS WITH THE DOCTOR. 317
• 317.—POUNDING ON THE PARTITION. 317
• 318.—UP THE STEEPLE. 318
• 319.—INTO THE CRATER. 318
• 320.—BENJAMIN IS EJECTED. 319
• 321.—PORTRAIT OF GUNN. 319
• 322.—ON THE WAR PATH. 323
• 323.—GENERAL GAGE AND THE BOY (Initial Letter). 324
• 324.—THE JUDGE IS PUZZLED. 329
• 325.—CATECHIZING HIM. 329
• 326.—THE DOCTORS AT HILLEGASS'S HOUSE. 330
• 327.—HILLEGASS RECOVERS. 331
• 328.—THE JOKE ON THE CHIEF. 332
• 329.—A DELUGE. 332
• 330.—THE COMBAT ON THE STAIRS. 333
• 331.—A FIREMAN. 333
• 332.—THE BONE CONTROVERSY (Initial Letter). 334
• 333.—EXAMINING THE PREMISES. 335
• 334.—WE PROCEED CAREFULLY. 336
• 335.—AN EXPLOSION AT COOLEY'S. 339
• 336.—THE REMAINS SCATTER. 340
• 337.—"FOOLING WITH A GUN." 341
• 338.—SELFRIDGE ARGUES WITH SMITH. 342
• 339.—THE RIVAL JURIES. 343
• 340.—COOLEY TURNS UP. 344
• 341.—"TOSSED THE LITTLE BABY." 348
• 342.—THAT MUMMY. 349
• 343.—A PATENT-OFFICE REPORT (Initial Letter). 350
• 344.—PUB. DOCS. 351
• 345.—ALPHONSO LIES IN WAIT. 353
• 346.—LUCULLUS, THE SERENADER. 353
• 347.—DEATH OF ALPHONSO. 354
• 348.—LUCULLUS BREAKS JAIL. 354
• 349.—SMITH BOMBARDS THE ARTISTS. 355
• 350.—THE LOVERS FLOAT ASHORE. 356
• 351.—A PARTING SCENE. 357
• 352.—SMILEY IS INTOXICATED. 358
• 353.—"HE LEAPED INTO THE SEA." 360
• 354.—BOB IS RESCUED. 361
• 355.—NURSING THE INVALID. 362
• 356.—TAIL-PIECE. 362
• 357.—BEFORE THE MASS MEETING (Initial Letter). 363
• 358.—THE SERENADERS AT PITMAN'S. 365
• 359.—COOLEY ARGUES WITH DANIEL WEBSTER. 366
• 360.—THE DISCOMFITED DRUMMER. 367
• 361.—THE KICKAPOO'S MISTAKE. 369
• 362.—A PATRIOTIC DUTCHMAN. 370
• 363.—COLLAPSED. 370
• 364.—COMMODORE SCUDDER'S DOG. 371
• 365.—THE COMMITTEE WELCOMES ME. 373
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• 366.—THE COLD-EYED DRUMMER. 375
• 367.—"GO, MARK HIM WELL." 376
• 368.—MR. HOTCHKISS'S JOKE. 379
• 369.—THE DRUMMER GLARES AT ME. 381
• 370.—I RETREAT IN DESPAIR. 386
• 371.—A SOLEMN VOW. 386
• 372.—THE WAITER (Initial Letter). 387
• 373.—THE COLLARS IN HIS TRUNK. 389
• 374.—A SHIRT-BUTTON LOST. 390
• 375.—WAITING FOR THE BRIDE. 390
• 376.—AT THE RECEPTION. 392
• 377.—PITMAN EXPRESSES HIS VIEWS. 394
• 378.—"WE FLUNG A SHOE AFTER THEM." 394
• 379.—THE FINAL BOW. 398