RISING YOUNG MEN, AND OTHER TALES.
BYLOUISE ELEMJAY,
AUTHOR OF "LETTERS AND MISCELLANIES," AND "CENSORIA LICTORIA."THIRD EDITION.NEW YORK: JOHN F. TROW, PRINTER & STEREOTYPER, 379 BROADWAY, CORNER OF WHITE STREET.
1859.ENTERED, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by E. M. KINGSLEY, FOR THE AUTHOR, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New York.
OUR EXPERIENCE.
AN OWRE TRUE TALE.
LITERARY SUCCESS.—The ordinary means to secure it, especially when a new name is to be introduced, are to announce some time beforehand, what an astonishing genius, long known as such in private circles, is about to come before the public; then keep the whole country posted up, from time to time, on the rise and progress of this new star. Correspondents, and the large houses count their by hundreds and thousands, know they must take, if desired, a certain by number of copies, and do their best to sell them, and that it is for their interest to sell a great many more. They of course advertise freely in their local papers and shop windows; others can't afford to have their custom drawn off by the new attraction, so they send on, too, for copies, which they are not privileged to return, if unsold at the end of six months.
These orders and consignments thus manœuvred for, for months, are then proclaimed as so many thousands sold in "one day," and, IMMENSE SENSATION! THE GREAT BOOK OF THE SEASON!! UNPRECEDENTED SUCCESS!!! &c., &c., &c., stare and glare in the biggest, and blackest, and reddest of letters, till the bedazzled public is forced to buy, and profess to like, whether it really does or not. Especially page: 4-5[View Page 4-5] cially when publishers "can't half fill orders from first "edition"—the second being fortunately nearly, not to say quite ready all the time, and labelled, very possibly, third, or fourth—and the entire press is reporting how many thousands "the distinguished author" has refused for the copyright. Whether he ever had the offer, or it was made in good faith, not merely to be refused, is rather an open question in the minds of some people; but when the good of the trade requires it, and there's small hope of the contumacious subject's dying off, "peaceable as a good Christian should, for the benefit of his own reputation and other people's coffers," that's how to get up A GREAT LITERARY SUCCESS, or distinguished author.—Palamyra Sentinel.
——
JUST SO, Mr. SENTINEL; but listen now while we give in "our experience," and you shall hear what sort of auspices were accorded to us and our eldest. Mind, though, we are going to tell it all our own way, be the same more or less, and if any body don't like that, let him tell it better himself; but hands off—none of your scissorings about us; we and the printer's imps can leave out words enough, any how.
Well, then, its so-called publishers, but mere job printers on credit, took upon themselves to admit and exclude pages to suit themselves, stereotyped ones not excepted (see hiatus in book), to disregard our well-known wishes as to bindings of first edition, our express orders as to that of third, and insert, without so much as saying "by your leave," fourteen pages of advertisements, for which authors have to pay from five to twenty five dollars each, and afterwards refuse, practically, to make either credit or the slightest equivalent in kind for the same.
Second. Having abetted the bantling's birth out of pure, disinterested kindness, to the very helpless, homeless, maternal, who first waited on them with written communications which she could not then speak, they, and "the unspiritual god," circumstance, set themselves to kill it off, if they could, by requiring her to secure earlier payment to them, and present bread and shelter for herself, by engaging, personally, as best she might, in the sale.
Third. The law requiring no man to be benevolent, they evaded all written promise "to facilitate her operations, pay ten per cent. on all printed at their expense from her plates, and put the book in circulation among the Trade, by the ordinary means"—the last time, in presence of witnesses, and on the ground, that, if not ungrateful in desire, under the existing premises, such contract or estimate was "impracticable for want of stereotyping and other bills, and wholly needless in itself, as their books would show every thing."
Fourth. Their EXTRA-ordinary efforts to "put the book in circulation," amounted to one simple (reputed) announcement in the Literary World, one agency in Nashville, Tennessee—of which "Books" had no trace, and the sole manager, professedly and confessedly, no knowledge till acquired from herself and agent personally—and the hunting up, and selling, clandestinely, to a relative of her own, every copy transmitted by them, and at their own instance, to their correspondents in New York—leaving him, to mention the fact incidentally some six or eight months later, and her, to find out by her learning, what had become of an equal number of editorial and other presentation copies. N. B. page: 6-7[View Page 6-7] Her "learning" proving "sorely scanty," could only opine that some of them might possibly have been sent to her subsequently—nobody knows for certain, at least she don't, and any how, that wasn't exactly putting them in circulation "among the trade."
Fifth. To "facilitate her operations," they helped them "over the left," most beautifully;—but stop, you shall have chapter and verse for that facilitation. First, then, by promising per Telegraph of Jan. 27th, 1853—less than one month from issue, and just twelve from "suspension and rather cool advice to forego resumption," to put the second edition to press "immediately." 2dly, by purchasing the paper March 2d and forwarding on the 15th, so that it came to hand April 6th. 3d, by denying per letter of June 1st, the receipt of draft which had been cashed May 4th, and for no conceivable reason, but to ignore the accompanying order. Fourth, by deferring the issue and receipt of third edition, (also called "second," in reverse of common practice) to Sept. and Oct. 1st, and reporting the "whole edition bound up and subject to order," though less than half the 1250 ordered in April and May, had been printed; thus betraying her into arrangements not otherwise made, from which much further loss of time, stock, profit, prestige, and CONVALESCENCE inevitably ensued.
Sixth. Having prevented, as effectually as if intentionally, the accumulation of much means, and the entire extinction of their own control over plates, they kindly waived, for the time, the proffered payment in full, of Oct. 18th, and otherwise so directly abetted the publication of a TEXT-BOOK, wanted for immediate introduction duction under the best auspices of three States, that it was put to press (by another firm, their own being "too busy,") on the 20th instant. A few weeks later, when plates were nearly ready, and funds all exhausted, they defeated the issue, and with it the simultaneous one of some hundreds of "Letters and Miscellanies," which might otherwise have secured it eventual completion.
Seventh. They effected this, 1st, by getting from her "relative," before it was due, and out of supposed kindness to herself, a sum, which when due, and paid, was pledged to the other firm. 2d. By keeping stereo-typer, who, aside from a doubtful and subsequently protested note, was no further payable except from her remittances, in full belief that she had made none, for five months after he should have been fully paid; and, of course, quite ready to strike the first blow at her credit, when called upon for plates. 3d. By themselves showing up sum total of their "own account," (including his, very justly) and very unjustly, leaving, if not leading, enquirer to suppose that identical $250 stereotyping item, due by her, not themselves, elsewhere; then suppressing, at the same time, all hint of over $600 cash receipts, including the $100 note, originally accepted by and through them, at par; and finally by refusing, then and since, either to use, or suffer the use of old plates, (except when no one could be found to use them,) and, per consequence, making her eventually as obnoxious to the new, and comparatively poor firm somewhat victimized with herself, as they had previously to stereotyper, and with far less chance than himself, of any ultimate redress.
Eighth. Though one of their members did, it is page: 8-9[View Page 8-9] true, correct the grosser misrepresentations made in his absence, he declined all further effort to reinstate the hard-earned credit, so wantonly broken down; though the junior member of new firm offered—according to his own written statement—to give his personal security to his own partners, and take up and complete both her jobs in a few weeks, if the old firm, or individual member, would only loan the requisite paper, or facilitate the purchase on four months' credit;—refused this simple act of common justice, "with a hard-hearted obstinacy, enough to make a pirate blush." Pray excuse the junior, he probably wasn't used to being victimized as eels and Irishmen are to being skinned and hung, and certes, didn't know how soon the hard-hearted's great "milk of human kindness" would make him offer to furnish an equal, or nearly equal amount in cash, and get her well walled in and hermetically sealed down in some living tomb of his selection, (to which, had she only been a State resident, she might perhaps have been eligible, in the course of fifteen or twenty years) provided she would only relinquish all further effort. "The effort," being of course, all there was to relinquish, Name, fame, friends, position, and "a conscience void of offence," which no idle owner of a buried "talent" can ever have, not being worth a thought, much less an allusion; any more than were the several hundreds of tangible property in unsold books and old plates, not to mention the new, (not then known to be scarce worth correcting) and the two copyrights not then taken out.
Ninth. Finding her about as grateful for that, or any other chance to "eat the bitter bread of charity," and be "set quick i' the earth, and bowled to death with turnips"—no, cabbage-heads—as any living mortal with three grains of common sense might know any woman would be, who honestly believed, that "what man has done, man may do," and had known a woman, who once did put a book to press, as a "last resource," on borrowed capital, lose it (per failure of contractors, Jan. 27th, 1852) with what was far harder to spare or regain, sacrifice her wardrobe to arrears on board, a fifty dollar dental plate, to drugs for a palsied tongue, then travel alone, helpless, sometimes speechless from debility as well as disease—raise the means to wait on Publishers—get the Book out, and finally leave with thirty cents only, nearly one thousand dollars in arrears, and realize between fourteen and fifteen hundred dollars, within the next eight months; and finding too, just about the time that one of the old, forefront literati had "long been anxious to see the book," and notice after notice—not mere penny-a-line puffs bought and sold like any other commodities—but volunteer critiques from unknown, yet well-known critics in the high places and by places of the republic of letters, evinced that there was good logic, critical acumen, and common honesty enough yet extant, to infer, that a publication so effected, could not be exactly commonplace, and see, and acknowledge merit, where predisposed to find none; finding, we say, that she actually had achieved the taking out of copyrights, that very arduous and complicated measure, that they were always "taking measures" to do, (as perhaps they were) they forthwith proclaimed the affair a FAILURE—it certainly hadn't lacked their good aid to become so—and page: 10-11[View Page 10-11] with this (by way of inducement probably) offered the plates, in the same breath for sale. When taken up, by more than one responsible party, and asked, as they invariably were, for "A FAIR MERCANTILE STATEMENT, as the indispensable preliminary to some arrangement of the kind that should be mutually satisfactory," they as invariably refused, either by captious replies and unreasonable demands, or contemptuous silence; a playing "fast and loose," which betrayed more inclination to keep than part with plates, especially as they refused ad interim, either to take mortgage for whatever might prove to be justly due, and suffer their use, or accept cash down for a smaller emission than usual, and a trifle on arrears.
Tenth. Though professing from first to last, by word and letter, to be making, and wishing to make "no profit on transaction," the paper, uniformly named in conversation as eight dollars per ream, was charged, in apologies for account (rendered Oct. 18th and later in '53) at eight fifty, and the bindings of a certain style twenty-five or thirty cents per copy, above the customary price, if gentlemen in, and out of, the trade, in New York, Boston, Louisville and St. Louis, are competent authority. A tolerably broad margin, one would think for profit, not to hint at the possibility of any other errors of "omission or commission," save the uncredited seventy dollars' worth of advertisements, mentioned away back in the beginning, before we got into the sixteenthlies. And on the Whole, not so very remarkable, perhaps, after all, that they should rather prefer "CASH DOWN" and no questions asked or explanations given.
True, the "affair," might be altogether too insignificant for their attention, but inasmuch as they did insist on having that "one hundred cash down," CALLED "fifty cents on the dollars," it's quite a pity they could not, or would not, gratify a woman's curiosity to know whether it really was "fifty," or a hundred, or hundred and five, as she most devoutly believes—something unfortunate, that a consignment of 134 copies (if their previous statements were reliable) should come back minus fourteen, when recalled, almost immediately, unopened. A little singular, that their books, which were to show "EVERY THING," should in the end, "show nothing, (it was said) by which to determine how many of the 1500 printed, had been delivered to her order, or what proportions of the three several editions, had been bound in the respective styles, known as T. M. Gilt, Muslin Plain, and Mus. Gilt; and decidedly unlucky, that the very one whose numbers and proportions did happen to be known to a mathematical certainty, should chance to show a deficiency of ten copies, and an overcharge of $37 32 in the simple item of "binding," even at their specified prices.
Don't delude yourself, anybody, that doesn't mean "specified" in caricature of bill, though they are findable, within six or eight months of it. And quite a curiosity it is too, in its way, with its vague entries of "a Box," a "Package"—forwarded apparently long before paper was bought, or printing done—and small cash credits per no person or time in particular; owing probably to remissness of payers in not reporting themselves, accidentally and incidentally, before "books" were posted up. Possibly their binders might have page: 12-13[View Page 12-13] been found more explicit—strange they never thought of that, for it isn't exactly in the common "course of human events," for a creditor to lock up the tools of a debtor, who is paying him off, at the rate of sixty dollars a month in despite of him, unless he means to pay himself better. Some may have done it away back in the dark ages, before the whole "free and enlightened" got posted up to spring-traps and double-locks, then found themselves locked out too, and playing "Dog in the Manger," only to illustrate the "Dog and his Shadow," most beautifully; but all of the ilk must be too wise for that, in these days, and now, with all these hints thrown out for their edification, it's to be hoped ours, will be able to make some nearer approximation to a "fitting basis for an equitable settlement;" because "two wrongs, don't always make one right," any more than the withholding—voluntarily or involuntarily—some few dollars, more or less, that may be their due, indemnifies us for Damages inflicted through their faithlessness, caprice, or cupidity. Still, if they never should get them before making some such "approximation," we shouldn't very much wonder.
Neither should they, that after considering that they had "somehow" retarded their own payment, and waived it (for the time) when proffered in full, next made it impracticable, then demanded it on despotic and most humiliating terms—much like demanding "bricks without mortar," only "a little more so"—on Account too, which they either would not, or dared not exhibit; and considering too, that the net proceeds of books collected, would neither suffice to pay for old plates and use them afterwards, nor set up either TEXTBOOK BOOK or "REVISED EDITION," de novo, an unreasoning animal, (incompetent of course, to reason very profoundly) should conclude eventually, that no law of God, or man required her to love her neighbor a great deal better than herself, or condemned the instinct of self-preservation, which prompted the investment of funds in another work; if the first 84 pages of our youngest may so be called. And that's why the poor wee thing had to come into the world "half-grown," and "come up" (like little heathen come-by-chance) without any godfather, and our ill-used First, and unborn Second, to be laid ignominiously on the shelf, to bide their time. And if any impartial literary inquest don't pronounce theirs a clear case of unprovoked Lynching, Branding, Ostracism, "Indirect Assassination," and premature strangulation, then we'd just thank somebody to overhaul the criminal records, and help us to the proper technicals—those are about as graphic, as any our vocabulary affords.
If any body is, let him try it once, if he wants a good time generally, and he'll find that the Messires A. B. are invisible, and don't respond, C. D. E. F. "can't possibly undertake any thing new for a twelve month to come," G. H. "don't publish that kind of books," I. J. K. "don't publish any thing else, but can't LOOK at any thing MORE, awfully, afraid of breaking down with what's on hand now." L. M. "don't reprint from other Publishers," (save when they can Sponge on a foreign author,) N. O. more than suspect that this one don't toadyize "the prevailing sentiments of the North and East"—(no use to publish then, the South and West being extinct)—P. Q. "don't publish school-books," R. S. "have got one of their own," T. U. thinks this, "economizes time and labor most astonishingly," but has "a Partner" (two of them for that matter) suspects they believe in "the principle, of the subdivision of labor," in school-books more especially—fancies "the gist of this may be found in"—some three or four others of equal size, named, and (by way of final) winds up, "A, N, D we, publish those Books." V. W. are in the wrong longitude for being a little more inaccessible than the Grand Lama, but "don't publish much themselves," tell those who do, that all our youngest lacks, is "the extra pages, an attractive dress, and good Publisher, to bring it before the right kind of readers," get the same old story, "can't undertake any thing new for a year to come." Now it so happens that we are extant this year, and what is more, with no clever conjuror to put us in a state of suspended animation (alongside books) when the waters Bibliothique "are troubled," till every body else has done stepping down before us. And so the elfish little waif, though rather outgrowing the old flimsy dress so repulsive to the right kind of readers, stands small chance of getting a better, till married to some of our RISING YOUNG MEN and then it's just as like as not, some rising young men's hopeful papas will turn up their patrician noses at it, for lack of some old Invisibility's Imprimatur. X. V. would to be sure have given it their long ago, "unheard, unseen," provided, the "Little Allspice" was "big enough"—mind you, not good enough, but large enough "to sell for one dollar, or one fifty per copy," and the unlucky Maternal "prepared to give them a page: 16-17[View Page 16-17] bonus of $500, for the same, as many more copies for distribution," and of course set them well a going with the plates. Strange they didn't add, "and cost of transportation;" and dog cheap at that, if they had. Nobody should make a common hack of us and ours, if we were a Publisher, for five times that amount; but then we were not, and are not, "prepared," and wouldn't give five dollars, no nor five cents, for it, if we were. No, honestly earned, and fairly accorded, that's the word for us—the genuine article, or none at all. "Thank God I can now dispense with Humbug," said some old celebrity who had made his fortune. Thank God we never had any to dispense with, is our response. We can live without a "great literary success," couldn't live under a counterfeit one—can do without the "fine purple," never did feel mean enough to wear shams.
But does anybody suppose now, that we are going to be badgered off the track, in that kind of style, by any knot, or knots of "bullies called cliques," that ever lived, or good enough to die, that other folks may live? Not we—we believe in Life Insurances we do; and don't believe at all, in the common honesty, or humanity—the Christianity, is of course non est inventus, nobody suspects the existence of that—in any church, that don't Insure the life of a Pastor it half starves on some poor pitiful pittance of a salary, or compels—by might of "the unspiritual god, circumstance"—to live up to the very last fraction of a liberal one; and precious little, in the integrity, or affection of that husband, or father—with no fortune save his own exertions, or safe out of reach of all whirlpools of speculation —that don't Insure his own, in a good round sum too; for of all the poor, miserable paupers in a miserable existence, Heaven help and deliver the patrician pauper. Earth won't, it is only too glad of the chance, to set its foot on some unused neck, and see it writhe like a crushed worm, under the infliction. But that's neither here nor there, and for the matter of Life Insurance, we've got "Washington Irving's ("if haply she withers, she lives forever") for ours, and sure that name's good anywhere. If anybody wants our picture, by way of collateral, he's welcome to take it, that is to pay an Artist to find out our whereabouts, and come and sketch it. We tried sitting, once upon a time, to that grand old Artist Apollo; but the way his master of ceremonies put our head into the stocks, got one of his myrmidons into position, and instructed us to look at the point of his elbow, was positively awful. It gives us a crick in the neck, a stitch in the side, Lockjaw, Strabismus, and St. Vitus' dance, every time we think of it. No, we never can try that sort of thing again; but if anybody ever did dream, that we shouldn't stand in our own shoes, till nobody else could, we trust that fallacy is pretty well "nailed to the counter," or otherwise used up, more by token, that they are pretty well worn out already, and never were fit, for any thing but a regular, squabfoot ragbaby, of the Flatfoot tribe to stand in.
Does any other mortal man presume to suppose either, that we are going to be killed off, "by a criticism?" Possibly, for there is "a very plentiful lack" of common sense extant, that's certain, or we shouldn't be so everlastingly bored, go where we will, with the page: 18-19[View Page 18-19] same stale, well meant, "talking good," useless sort of Advice, that none but a brute or idiot could ever need; or tortured, almost to madness, by the endless iteration and reiteration of "Couldn't you do this," or "Why don't you do that," as if the thing had only need to be thought on, to be done, and never had been, or could be thought of, but for that individual representative of the ubiquitous, one-ideal institution. Killed by a criticism? Not by several, we reckon, after surviving about a million and a half of these, "If I were yous," and "couldn't yous;" and if any such self-complacent, would-be impossibility achievers, do still look for "a consummation so devoutly to be wished," we are awfully afraid, that EATEN BY CATERPILLARS will be the coroner's verdict, on some melancholy event, before very long. And if we were they, we'd represent King John, of Lack-land notoriety, from now to the end of time, as we expect to do, but that we'd keep out of Iowa this year, for locusts and caterpillars must live, and they do say the "varmints" are taking every green thing before them, up there.
But killed off, indeed—that's a likely story! Do they know, or did they never hear, how easily one Samuel Wordsworth, of modest memory, was killed off—or how coolly he turned round, and told people, that if they didn't like him, they had better—that it was the fault of their own morbid tastes, and sound asleep intellects, not this compositions, and finally made them own up?
- "Naething
- But stringing blethers up in rhyme, for fools to sing,"
Well that critic, was what we call "sensible," didn't expect a book to read itself, or all of its meaning to lie on the surface; knew it must be a small dealer, that could hang his whole stock in the shop window; and as for that "too much page" gentry, if they had to conjugate the verb, "to pay," as we do, not IS PAID, as they do, 'twould be apt to improve them all mightily we reckon. For when one hasn't been to church but once (very recently) since a non-religious man in Frankfort, sent his carriage twice in '54, because unable, alike, to walk and sir through the service afterwards, or hire a hack, after all Uncle Sam's and St. Picayune's Steamboat, R. R. and Hotel Fares, this thing called STEREOTYPING, is rather expensive. Especially when "Messieurs the Typos," take care to print their blunders page: 20-21[View Page 20-21] ders with ours, and make us pay for correcting both afterwards, or, worse still, let them alone, "very severely."
And come to look at the thing philosophically, it don't take a bit longer, to read 50 pages twice, than a 150, consecutively; and only consider, how much lighter, the fifty, are to hold; and, besides, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Public, to go on vitiating your own taste, and stultifying your brains over love-sick, blood and murder, and other namby pamby, till you can't understand any thing but a regular old, "once there was," sort of Tale. Like all these long-drawn tautologies, for instance, and just as if you hadn't been told them all before, over and often, only you wouldn't exercise your mnemonics, inductives, and constructives enough, to put this and that together, and consider that most orthodox English words really have a meaning; and the Trade, a good many Dictionaries, that they'd most likely be glad to sell.
Just look at yourselves now. How many more respectable, if not racy magazinists, do you want to degrade into very indifferent novelists, because they know you will read story-books, and won't read much of any thing else? Oh, immensely innocent, and pious too, you are, over your Schnaaps and sylly-bubs; but how long did you ever know anybody to hold out a cup of coffee at arm's length, before there was some little danger of its getting dashed down, if not dashed in your face? It's our opinion that you ought to be indicted, for corrupting the morals and manners of all these innocent authors, that you've got hard at work, helping you to make a bigger fool of yourself, than there's any occasion for; when they've no natural genius for Lying, perhaps, or nothing special that way, and you know very well, that that is a genius that may be superinduced "by human agency," HUGH BLAIR to the contrary notwithstanding. You remember him, don't you, and how he distinguished himself in the Peloponesian war, wrote the Cervantes of Don Quixote, and was finally brought home by Sir John Franklin, in an Egyptian Sarcophagus, from the ruined Temple of Aztec? Of course you do, and how, as he much more justly remarks somewhere in the Life of Haroun Al Raschid, it's "Just as the twig is bent the tree's inclined," though much of course depends on the skilful selection and adaptation of means. An unmitigated course of sprouts has, for instance, sometimes produced brilliant results, and in other cases, only made the hardened, dyed-in-the-wool, contumacities, a little more "cantankerous." Even the sugarplum system, though according to our experience, and observation, much more uniformly efficacious, has been known to pall; but you, with your judicious admixture of sprouts in the one hand and sugarplums in the other, can rarely chance to fail. And so here you have got, ever so many specimens of your own handiwork plodding away, to get up all sorts of mendacious monstrosities (they don't often get up any thing else), and mixing up "fancies with realities," till they hardly know themselves which is which, and you don't care; but stand all agog, ready to "pin back the critter's ears," and swallow it whole, like any boa constrictor, then vow and declare, it's every word "true as preaching," till you half-persuade page: 22-23[View Page 22-23] yourself, if not the deluded author, that it actually is so.
Mighty fine judge of "preaching," you are to be sure, and couldn't half the time tell, to save you, whether the "Orator of the day," took his Text from the Shaster, or somewhere in "the Book of Jerusalem," ('tisn't likely it would make much difference) or whether the man that "played on the harp of a thousand strings," hung it upon the willows by the "waters of Babylon," or found it on a Black Moss, down in Louisiana, but if ever we do have to fall into that gang and follow suit, oh, you have much to answer for; and here's to hoping, you'll have the grace to repent in time, lest a worse judgment come upon you, than some marvellously tame Stories, good for nothing but scaffolding to hang Ideas upon. And pray don't expect people to be so immensely sagacious, as to know what a house (or hexameter) is for, or how it was built, unless it's properly labelled, and an ugly, old scaffolding, always kept paraded in front; but do try, and demean yourself, "with the respect due to human ignorance," not copy the evil, outlandish ways, of one L. EL-EM-JAY.
