A prophetic abstract from the proceedings of the Trojan Society for the retardation of science for the year of our Lord 1870
page: 0 (TitlePage) [View Page 0 (TitlePage) ] TROAN SOCi ETY FOR THE Year of Our Lord EIORTID BY L. EmMONS UNDER P. TeispectuftJfo tebiA To the American ssociati for- the ,Avai TROY, N. Y.: WM. . YOUNG & BLAKE, 8 AND 9 FIR 1870. 1870.' - - page: 0[View Page 0] A PROPHETIC ABSTRACT Of the Proceedings of the Trojan Society for the Retardation of Science; The annual meeting of the Society having been promptly called to order by the President at half an hour after the time appointed, the exercises were commenced with a prayer ,b the Rev. Mr. Longwynd, whose remarks occupied most of the forenoon. At last his exhortations were cut short by a rumor of dinner, and the assemblage adjourned temporarily. Upon coming together again, the Society, notably increased in weight since the morning, went through the usual preliminaries of organization, and closed the day by listening to an address from the retiring President, and another from the new incum- bent to the same office. The latter address was especially edifying, for it treated of all branches of science known to the reporter, and many which were unknown to him, and it gave the audience generally much astounding information, mainly to the effect that they had gathered together for the love of knowledge, which he, the speaker, was ready and willin[ to impart. The following day the Society, divided into sections, dev ted to the reading of various scientific papers, and the discussonl of various scientific topics. Some of these papers the repo!ter has given in full; others, (which would not be understood by most people, although perfectly clear to the aforesaid reporter) he has merely given in abstract, or mentioned briefly by title. In Section A, the first paper read was / NEW INFORMATION ABOUT ALASKA. By a Particuarr friend of Mr. Dall. I have been asked to state abstractedly my opinions about Alaska. Therefore I will give you some which are wholly b8 page: 4-5[View Page 4-5] 4 new, having been made expressly for this occasion. They are based chiefly upon what I didn't see, and modified slightly by what I saw, and will be found trustworthy by those who regard them as reliable. I propose speaking of the climate, which already exists; of the natives, who try to exist; of the vege- tation, which ought to exist; and of the fisheries, fur trade, and mines, which are expected to exist in our newly acquired territory at some future time. Upon the first head, the climate, experience compels me to speak with enthusiasm. It is remarkably even in character, though somewhat dependent in its minor features upon the temperature, the winds, and the clouds. The heat is rarely excessive, never reaching the maximum temperatures of the tropics, and, consequently, cannot be looked upon as debili- tating. Alaska will make a fine summer resort. In the winter the ice crop is a little more reliable than it is in New Jersey, and may be depended upon in future as a great source of profit. Being a spontaneous growth, it is doubtful whether the ice of Alaska would need or repay cultivation. I am aware that the prevalent idea is that the new territory is a cold country; but, during my stay there, I never knew the thermometer to fall so low as to compel the natives to dress in frieze. In fact, they clothe themselves chiefly in dirt, and rarely change their costume. This dress, being put on in early childhood, is re- markably convenient, growing naturally with the skin, so that, when the wearer dies, he carries his grave all ready made with him. This is true economy, and renders burial unnecessary, Funerals are cheap in Alaska. This habit of preparing for death proves the descent of these Indians from the Chinese; who, as is well known, devote their early savings to the pur- chase of coffins. The Alaskans merely carry the same principle a step farther. There is nothing like improvement!. - ' 5 Of the vegetation of Alaska, much might be said, notwith- standing the popular notion that the chief botanical produc- tions of the territory are small potatoes. I saw a great many palms there, but as for grain, the produce is nearly all in your rye, and of course cannot equal the wheat crops of Illinois. But we must not expect everything from a country, I am glad of this opportunity, however, to speak of the fruit of this favored land; During all my sojourn in the country I did not see a single orange tree bearing less than two thousand oranges at a time, nor did I find a pineapple which weighed less than fourteen pounds. Mines, as yet, do not exist in Alaska. The natives have no use for ores, as they prefer paddles. But there is plenty of room to sink shafts, and I have no doubt but that any enter- prising mining company will be able to find plenty of anti- money. Gold is said to exist in the country, and, in fact, I carried some there myself. Moreover, I can sincerely and truthfully affirm that the smallest nugget which I dug in Alaska, was at least as large as any I ever exhumed in Central Park. If the natives didn't have religious scruples against washing, they might find some, too. The fisheries I am not familiar with, although I am sure that most species of fish are scarce upon the mainland. But I did not explore the mountains of the interior, and cannot say how it might be there. Alaska is generally supposed to be a fur country. But when I was there I found it close by. So this statement is partially untrue. Seals abound there, nevertheless, and I used to send specimens home on my letters. But for practical purposes the seals of Alaska have little value, as you can only skin them olc',. This may be remedied in time, however, by the estab- page: 6-7[View Page 6-7] lishment of an Agricultural College in the territory, and the introduction of improved methods. I tried to bring back specimens of the natural productions of Alaska, in order to exhibit them here. I had some superb samples of the climate, the native customs, and the aurora borealis, but they were unfortunately spoiled in the transit. I did not pack them properly. I had intended to continue my remarks a few hours longer, but I see that every sensible person in the room is asleep, and I do not care to address the others. Besides, snoring annoys me, and puts me out. So I will go out naturally. The P. F. of Mr. D. having subsided, Prof: Ag-ss-z arose to enquire whether the last speaker believed in Darwin. The P. F. replied that he hadn't the honor of Mr. Darwin's acquain- tance, and would like to know where the gentleman referred to preached. The Professor then briefly but emphatically alluded to an individual by the name of "Shaw," and sat down. Dr. B-rt G. \W-ld-r then rose to learn whether the Alaskans ever were troubled with abnormal digits; where- upon the aforesaid P. F. replied wildly that he quite agreed with the last speaker. A few more questions from various members of the Society were aimed at Mr. Dall's friend, which finally resulted in reducing that unhappy individual to a con- dition of complete insanity, and caused his removal to a place of retirement. After that, Dr. W-ld-r tried to ascertain whether any person present had abnormal digits, but was unsuccessful. This disturbance having subsided, Prof. Ag-ss-z again took the floor, and with heroic determination imprinted upon his countenance, sternly asked whether any person present believed in Dalrwi. But no Darwinianl cared to cope with the Professor, and all remained silent; whereupon the speaker went on to say, with dignified but glowing accents, that he did not believe in Darwin; that his grandfather was not a monkey, and he did not choose that any other man should lay claim to such an- cestry. One man, he thought, had as much right to simian relatives as another, and in a land where all were free and equal, he did not wish to be excelled by any. He resumed his seat amid great applause, and it was evident that he had won a triumphant victory over all believers in Darwin. The next paper read was a botanical one by Prof. Gr-y. He said that he had often noticed the trees leaving in the spring time, but that he had never been able to ascertain when they returned. THe recommended the subject to all botanists as a fruitful one to investigate. Immediately after the conclusion of Gr-y's article, a long haired, eager looking individual, whose name the reporter could not catch, read a paper entitled' "Animal Magnetism as Developed in the Cimex lectularius, or Bedbug." This mag- netism, he said, differed greatly from that produced by most living beings, for, while that of man puts its subjects to sleep, that of the Cimex renders sleep impossible. In Section B several papers were read, of greater or less interest, chiefly the latter. The first one was by Mr. M-ry, the celebrated authority upon the tides, "Upon the Existence of Water in the Atlantic Ocean." Although purely theo- retical, its positions were triumphnntly sustained. The next paper was by Prof. H-rsf-rd, "Upon an Analysis of Sausages," and was too elaborate in technical details to be fully reported here, It treated chiefly of the bark of this interesting product of Germany. Prof. P-rc-, then delivered a remarkably lucid address upon page: 8-9[View Page 8-9] 8 "The Triangular Functions of Elliptic Circles, and their Relations to the Cycloid Hypothenuse," and in it proved be- yond all question that twice two equals four. The learned Professor received a vote of thanks from the assembly, for having settled this vexed question. (N. B. Confidential.! No one understood the Professor,--except the reporter.) After the audience had recovered from the bewildering effects of P-rc-'s mathematics, they were entertained by Prof. G-st-v-s H-nr-chs with a paper "Upon the Atomic Con- stitution of S. T. 1860. X." This was remarkably vigorous, and was well received, its facetious character restoring the assemblage to good humor, and even merriment. Several other persons also wished to read papers, but, as their views ran counter to those of sundry scientific men just at present, they were very properly, promptly, and summarily squelched; and the day's work was concluded with a paper by A. Starr Hunter, Esq., descriptive of a remarkable meteoric shower. The gentleman stated that on the previous evening, feeling very tired after his scientific labors, he had been, in company with several friends, relaxing his mind with Punch. Returning to his hotel by starlight, at nearly 2 A. M., he noticed a very remarkable appearance in the sky. The stars seemed all in motion, and the moon, which was just rising was accompanied by several mock counterparts of itself, so much like the original that he had great difficulty in deciding which gave him the best light to go by. While he was trying to dodge the light of the extra luminaries, in order to avoid confusion, he lost his balance, and fell; and, just as his head struck the sidewalk, he noticed a remarkable shower of shooting stars, much more elaborate than any he had ever seen before. Although they were unusually large and brilliant,' the display was but momentary, and therefore the speaker thought it might have escaped the notice of other observers. If he had only had with him a glass which he had left but a few moments previous, he thought he might have made obser- vations of value. At the conclusion of Hunter's remarks, the Society adjourned till the next day. The third, and'last day of the campaign, was opened in Section A by a gentleman from Indiana, who gave a most interesting account of some strange habits of the birds in that State. While in other regions the male and female of most species of birds were noted for their constancy to one another, in Indiana they had lost that virtue entirely, and he (the speaker) said- that he had known a single robin to have no less than six different mates in one season. The cow-bunting, which lays its eggs in the nests of other species was very abundant in Indiana. The speaker having concluded, a nervous gentleman who had screwed his courage up to the point of publicly believing in Darwin, called the attention of those present to the fact that the birds of Indiana were only imitating the human beings around them, and were probably undergoing a devel- opment into a higher, more human-like, order of existence. He was immediately crushed by Ag-ss-z. The famous author and naturalist, Mr. Anonymous, next read an article upon sonme new points in the natural history of the dog. He was very cursory in his remarks, curtailing them as much as possible, but was rather too dogmatic. He divided dogs into two species; quadrupeds and bipeds, desig- nating the first as dogs proper, or proper dogs, and the second, inferior species, as puppies. The paper was chiefly devoted to 2 page: 10-11[View Page 10-11] 10 pointing out differences between these species, and was of the most interest when it touched upon their behavior in the tem- perance question. "For," the speaker said, "although both dogs and puppies indulge in w(h)ine, the former take it rem- edially, as w(h)ine of bark, while the latter use it as a bev- erage. But we must not deny to dogs the possession of high spirits when their tails are whiskey." Much else, of an equally interesting character was brought forward by the speaker, but space forbids its insertion here. Next in order came the celebrated? . T. B-rn-m, with a paper upon "The Natural H istory of the Hum Bug." Mr. B-rn-rm began as follows: "Gentlemen, or rather, if I may call you so, my learned friends, although it may surprise you to see me here intending to address so eminently intelligent a body, I am doubtless well known to all of you as having long been interested in collecting objects of natural history and the history of naturals, with a view towards combining in- struction with amusement, and affording moral recreation to old and yo ung. And you are also all aware that I have devoted much time to acquiring a practical knowledge of that branch of entomology which is hinted at in the title of my paper, and that I have assiduously collected specimens of the insect I am about to describe, without regard to the expense or difficulty. I have laughed at obstacles, risen superior to common sense, and conquered. I can safely say that my late lamented Museums in New York have contained at one time more and finer specimens of the genus than all the other cab- inets of the world combined, and that my opportunities for studying the habits of its species have exceeded those of any other living man. Popular clergymen, politicians, railway projectors, brokers, Broadway belles, eminent publishers and ! - 11 - 1 mediums, have all visited my collections, and no one has yet attempted to dispute my pre-eminence. Even the Cardiff Giant has bowed to me, and G-rg- Fr-nc-s Tr-n has sent me telegrams!"Having thus got fairly lunder weigh, Mr. B-rn-m next went on to the subject indicated by the title of his paper. He stated that the insect he was to describe oc- curs in many foims, many different species; but they all agreed in being parasites upon human beings. Like the Tri- china (Trickina?) they make their way into the system by being swallowed, the swallower himself being paradoxically taken in at the same time; but, unlike the creature just men- tioned, instead of acting injuriously, they afford valuable nutriment. Before beginning operations, however, the insect always puts out its feelers, (some writers say there a'n't any), and makes a loud but pleasing noise, which is rendered easy for it by its prodigious strength of jaw. Further than this the speaker mentioned many interesting facts, but after a while stopped abruptly, saying that he could not describe the Hum Bug more fully without specimens to use for illustration. Therefore he said that his paper, at present incomplete, would be continued in his next Museum, where he would be happy to receive all present at the usual terms,-children half price. His performances would there be illustrated with specimens, which alone would be worth the price of admission, and the habits of the insect would be dramatically elucidated in the lecture room, without extra charge. Having concluded his remarks, Mr. B-irn-m disappeared abruptly, leaving his en- raged audience in the greatest confusion. It was thought that the speaker's impudence deserved no less a punishment than solitary- confinement for life in one of his own sells. The day's session in Section A, concluded with an interest- ing article upon page: 12-13[View Page 12-13] 13 his gloomy, treacherous, mischievous eyes, his rapidly-agitated feelers, had a horrid look, enough to make one fancy him re- ally a spirit of the damned, a very devil. He advanced upon me as it is their fashion, waving his wings to balance his huge body, while they gave out a dull, hollow sound, like some bass-l rum with skin of ox hide. The breeze from them twisted up young saplings by the roots, like a tornatlo. Then, wrinkling his enormous antenna at the sanme time, he made the forest ring with his tremendous hum, the refrain of which is singularly like the loud muttering of thunder. The earth really shook under my feet-the noise was frightful. I have heard lions roar, but certainly the lion's roar cannot be compared with the hum of the musquito. I stood my ground for at least three long minutes, before the great insect was near enough for a safe shot. During this time I could not help thinking that I had heard that a man had been killed only a few days before; and, as I. ooked at the musquito in front of me, I thought that if I missed the insect, I might be killed too. But I was not afraid. At last he stood before me at a distance of six yards. Once more he paused, and I raised my gun as he again began to hum and wrinkle his antenna, and, just-as he took another step forward, I fired, and down he fell, almost at my feet,-- dead. But I emptied my pocket pistols before I approached him. How huge he was. My tape measure was worn out before I had taken half his girth. I tried to photograph him, but could not get him into the camera. He was too vast to bring away, so I left his body on the spot, contenting myself with the tip of-one of his antennae. I deposited it with my friend Mr. B-rn-m, and it was destroyed at the burning of his -1 ,I I page: 14-15[View Page 14-15] 15 preparing to make them. He was having a grand meteoric : shower made to order for the express benefit of the Chicago people, and a number of new comets were in active prepar- ation. Moreover, in order to raise money for scientific pur- poses, the Professor said that he purposed giving a weekly exhibition of an eclipse of the sun, and that, in order to increase the effect of the display, he was having that luminary enlarged. And in view of these advances, the Professor expected that soon Chicago would be the centre of intellectual activity for the whole world. When Mr. S. had concluded, one of the many learned gen- tlemen from Boston arose, and expressed himself delighted to hear of the progress being made in Chicago. He had long watched with interest the growth of that village, and still, although amused at its precocity, could sincerely wish it suc- cess. "If it would only keep on in the right path," he said, "it would soon be large enough to be annexed to Boston, and so become, as Professor S-ff-rd had prophesied, at least a part of the centre of intellectual activity." With regard to Prof. S.'s plans for advancing Chicagoan astronomy, the Boston gentleman was happy to vouch for their correctness, as he himself had seen the comets and the meteoric shower in process of construction upon Boston Common, and had learned that the sun was to be enlarged by inflation with gas from the Boston gas-works. He then went on to speak of some remark- able enterprises about to be undertaken at the Harvard Observatory; stating that Prof. W-nl-ck had succeeded in capturing several stray comets and harnessing them to a new asteroid, upon which he purposed making a journey towards some of the more distant heavenly bodies, partly in the interests of science, and partly with a view towards dis- covering a suitable location for the proposed Boston Park. page: 16-17[View Page 16-17] 16 Chicago wilted, and the audience remained silent and awe- struck! After the assembly had recovered from the blow, it listened to a chemico-mineralogical paper entitled- THE EFFEC IS OF HEAT UPON GUNPOWDER. By Asinus Nincompoop, Ph D. D(Doctored Philosophy.) A few months ago, an agent whom I had sent forth to col- lect minerals and fossils for the "School of Ecclesiastical Geology," over which I have the honor to preside, returned from Pennsylvania with a large number of specimens of Hicksite, Israelite, and other well known species, and also brought me a singular meteorite, which,some seven years ago, fell in great numbers in the vicinity of Gettysburg, and was colloquially known to the dwellers in that region by the name of "bumshel." It consisted of a spherical, hollow mass of iron, remarkably rich in carbon, crystalline, rather brittle, coated with oxide, and containing no nickel. The cavity in the interior contained a considerable quantity of a granular black powder, semi-crystalline in appearance, and of brilliant lustre. This, my agent informed me, is locally known as "gunpowder," although I am unable to find any authority for such a name, either in the Hebrew, Latin or Greek tongues, and Comstock's elaborate work on mineralogy contains no mention of such a mineral. But, the name being quite unes- sential, I prefer for the present to adhere to the common ap- pellation of the substance, at least until science shall furnish me data for a better. After carefully noting the physical peculiarities of the min- eral, my first step, of course,- was to attempt a preliminary blow-pipe assay of it. But here I at once encountered a re- markable hindrance, for the substance, when heated, either by 17 itself or with fluxes, deflagrated with the most intense vio- lence. In fact, the deflagration was too violent to admit of ascribing it to the presence of either a, nitrate or,a chlorate. Further than this, the blow-pipe told me nothing, for I could obtain no beads. Upon attempting a wet assay, I found the mineral to be insoluble either in water or acids, and in consequence I en- deavored to reduce it with fluxes; thinking perhaps that the deflagrations which had annoyed me with my blow-pipe e,- periments, might be due to the direct contact of the flame with the substance under examination. However, upon placing about forty grains of it in a platinum crucible with the requi- site fusing mixtures, and heating gradually, I again found my work impeded by deflagration, although I left off the cover of the crucible to permit the free escape 'of all expansive gases. Not caring to be baffled, however, I again placed a portion of the substance in my crucible, carefully luting down the cover in order to resist the deflagrations, and thereby prevent the mass from being thrown out of the crucible and lost. Having done this with the utmost care, and heated the crucible almost to redness, I was suddenly astonished by a tremendous explo- sion, which shattered the crucible, threw me back violently upon the floor, and did much damage in the laboratory. Now, all methods of analysis having failed, what could I conclude? Plainly thatthe substance could not be analyzed, and was necessarily a new element. As it was insoluble in acids, I could not regard it as a metal. And its explosive character served to distinguish it from all other metalloid, and to establish it ads a new substance. At present I prefer to call it by its colloquial name, feeling that when I shall have ex- amilned the. character of its compound I shall be better able to classify it intelligently, and to christen it accordingly. page: 18-19[View Page 18-19] In the evening the two great sections again united, and the whole society met to listen to a distinguished German savan, who was traveling il this country, and who had been invited to express his views upon the condition of science in America. The reporter regrets his inability to furnish a verbatim report - of Herr Donderkopf's interesting and instructive remarks, but excuses himself upon the ground that lie is not accustom- ed to take notes of words of over thirty syllables-a limit which the speaker often exceeded. Iowever, he (the reporter) offers a brief abstract of the more important points made by our German friend. He began by expressing himself honored by the privilege of addressing so respectable a body of learneds, hoping that he should be able to instruct them, and feeling that he should regard himself as more highly flattered by their condescending and grateful applause, than he could be by the plaudits of any class of students in Germany. And if he could encourage any one present to devote his life to science. and to follow the glorious subjective paths of Ideal- ismus, he should indeed feel that his time had not been wasted, and that future generations would look back upon him as the founder of science in America. Just here the reporter began to lose the thread of the gen- tleman's remarks, because the violent snoring firom all parts of the house rendered it difficult to hear. Plainly, however, this period was devoted by the speaker to what he called an 19 overthrow of " materialismus." Soon a word of eighty-three syllables was used, which woke all the sleepers up, and startled them so that they involuntarily rose to their feet, thinking there was an alarm of fire. This motion was inter- preted by Herr Donderkopf as a tribute to his eloquence, and, when order was once more restored, he continued more vigor- ously than ever. He went on to urge the importance of a true philosophy in science, and quoted all the authorities who are named in the encyclopedias, to show how necessary it was to be thorough In investigation and ceaseless in meditation He alleged that there was a want of thoroughness in America, that people attempted too much. As for hrmselt; hie had to studying the eyelid of the clam forty long years devoted, and was proud to say that he knew less about it than ever. And if he, a German, with his intellect, could so gloriously fail in that, how could any mere American reasonably expect to com- prehend the philosophy of the entire mollusc? In his country they would laugh at the idea. Here he held up for emulation the thoroughness of the surgeons of Arkansas, who devote their lives to studying the wounds produced by a certain species of knife known as the "Bowie.'"Such thoroughness, he said, would raise all present to as high a position as that occupied by his pupils at home, and fit them to receive higher instruc- tion from his own mighty brain. About this time the pro- fessor waxed more eloquent, and, like the first rain-drops of a shower, German words began to drop from his lips. Soon they fell in torrents, drowning out the sober English tongue, and baffling the reporter's attempts to catch them entirely. The latter person, looking disconsolately around him, then discovered that the rest of the audience had disappeared, and so, without disturbing the speaker, he quietly slipped out also. page: 20-21[View Page 20-21] 20 Six hours afterwards, when the janitor went to close the hall, he found our Teutonic friend still speaking, with his eyes ecstatically closed, and an expression of idiotic happiness pervading his features and extending even to the see-saw gesticulation of his arm. The janitor interrupting him, broke the charm, and restored Herr Donderkopf to indignation and consciousness. The meeting never adjourned, for there was nobody left to adjourn it.
