A Christmas story
page: 0 (TitlePage) [View Page 0 (TitlePage) ] DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS. PUBLISHED BY GEORGE H4 MATHEWS, 929 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. 1867. page: 0[View Page 0] A CHRISTMAS STORY, MAN IN HS ELEMENT: OR, A NEW WAY TO KEEP HOUSE. BY DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS. PART I. A WOMAN'S PLAN. ' My dear Mary,' said 1, one morning, to my widowed sister, as she sank into an arm chair in front of my library fire, and heaved a sigh replete with exhaustion and sadness What is the matter?' ' Enough {or a woman, William, but of course, nothing for an old bachelor like you, who have only to pay your own bills, eat your meals without the trouble of or- dering them; lounge througha clean house with no chasing after servants to sweep and wash and dust ; sit in your study, heaping log after log on your devoted andirons, and always meeting me with such a provoking cheerfulness, while I have not a moment to myself; am all the time running to give out stores to one girl; soap and starch to another ; candles and linen to the cham- bermaid, and orders to the coachman; and, even then, I haveno peace ; for, no sooner do I sit in the nursery, hoping to derive a few minutes comfort from a quiet sew, than my ears are filled with the dissatisfaction of one girl; the complaints of another; the threatenings to leave of another, and the quarrels of all. I declare, William, I think it was too bad in you to insist on our leav- ing that comfortable boarding house,where we lived so much cheaper, and had no trouble. It was there, with my small family, that I appreciated the freedom from care that you old selfish, unsympathizing bachelors enjoy ; and no wonder you laugh at us. The fact is, you don't know any- thing about it ; you-' ' My dear Mary,' I repeated, 'you have said enough- I only ask for a few minutes to put this matter in a new light, and, in time, you yourself will be convinced.' ' That's all very well, William'- but what's the use of talking to you men. I * never convinced one in my life. No sir! man is an animal that never acknowledges either that he is wrong, or that a woman is right. I tell you, servants are the bane of my existence. You cannot make them happy, do what you may. Why, only the other day I gave Jane a nice pair of gaiters that I had hut partially worn out. She thanked me, and I felt pleased that I had done one kind action, though it was a self- denial. The very next morning, in com- ing out of the kitchen, I passed the ash barrel, and looked in it to see if the cinders would ever be sifted. What do you sup- pase I saw there, mixed up with lemon peel, tea leaves and ashes? My boots, William-the very pair I' had given Jane the day before.' i ' Well what did you do?' ' Do? Why as soon as I could recover I called her to me, and asked why she had page: 2-3[View Page 2-3] thrown them there. She said without any excitement, that was the worst of it, "I couldn't wear them Madam.' 'Why not?' I said. They were too large for me.' ' Too large for her, the jade-think of that '-- ' Don't say any more, Mary, I under- stand the case perfectly- --and since we can- not argue upon the matter just lister, to my views , without any interruption), in the form of a philosophical lecture. It will! be very brief but to the point. 'Thbugh I have never kept house, as I am an old ,man I must have lived some- where all my life. Being possessed of a healthy and observing intellect-I have seen and digested much ; and it is all easy to my mind. [ have heard you through as I have heard others through ; I have seen your sufferings and your trials, as I have seen many, very many suffer and endure r-'als. and I have solved the problem and ,old it all to my segar!' Well now that is selfish, William!' ' Not at all nmy dear sister,' what lady' would tolerate the slightest interference with her housekeeping? Hoyv long would you permit me to stay here, in financial partnership, if I even offered one word of; advice.' 'Oh, how unjust, speak out now and let me hear what you have confided to your segar.' ' Well, in the first place, there are two kinds of ways to keep house. No. one is to keep your servants; No. two is to be kept by them. Herein is the key note of much trouble. Another difficulty is fear. I have been perfectly amazed. to listen to ladies when asking a waiter to do some' thing for them. Just think of it. I heard Mrs. , at table the other day, turn round and look towards a red headed, up- lifted girl, with a conciliatory smile and I say, ' Bett; , would you mind giving me a i glass of water?' Zounds madam, I wanted to scream!- iand only last nighr, while paying a visit I heard a lady who rules her elegant husband to within an inch of his life, say to the wait- elr 'John, please put on your things and muffle up well, for it is very cold and do :take this note to Mrs. Henry's' and, al- 'most with the same breath, she turned on her husband and said, Albert, go down and ,get that medicine at once for you know I cannot retire till I take it-you can see your friend any time,' looking at me in a hard manner and then at the clock. Now what do you call that? That woman has courage to meet her equals and put all things s raight; but a menial crushes her.' ' Well, of course you don't understand those things, William,' but I do.' I 1 suppose so, but I don't wai t to. It is all wrong-all humbug, all TRASH!' I i exclaimed as my excitement knocked the ashes of my segar over my clean shirt. t What would you have us do?' ex claimed Mary, a little nettled at my -last remark. ' Do?' I replied, with emphasis; ' let the men keep house. Watch them, and learn the true method, which has for its motto "Maximum ot work, Minimum of trouble." By this time I began to feel anxious.- My sister had gone off into a fit of laughter that at first greatly roused my ire, but ulti. mately awakened anxiety, for she could not gain her breath. I rang for a servant; of course none came, for she always had to call them. 'They were having such a good time down stairs, they could not hear the bell," so I pouredout a glass of water, and, while she drank, seized the poker; stirred up the dying embers; put on a good back- log ; lit a large and strong Cabana to lend zest to my courage, and prepared to make one more effort for victory. Gradually subsiding into a few occasion- al chromatic giggles, Mary looked through her beautiful eyes, glistening with tears of fun, and said, in a smothered whisper, ' Well, and what would you do?' Do?' I repeated. ' Let me have the reins for one month, and I will show you.' There! it was out, and I felt relieved. 'But. William,' she whispered, pointing with anxiety to the door which stood ajar, "how long do you suppose they would stay with you?' ' Until they got married or died!' I an- swered with confidence, and, sitting bolt upright, i ran both thumbs under my waist- coat arm-holes and played on my chest with imy lingers, while I puffed tremendously to envelope my countenance with smoke, the better to hide my ill-concealed smile. You single men are too amusing,\ my dea, brother,' sa;d she, looking earnestly into mry face and patting my shoulder with an expression of pity. ' To convince you that woman's mission is the care of domestic matters ; and , as I would like a little rest combined with fun, f will turn over every- thing to you, and --' ' 'Done!' I yelled with delight, an4 jumping up, I paced up and down the 11- brary like a prisoner freed from chains.-- ' Done! Oh! I thank you, Mary.' 'Stop, young man,' she saic, with as- sumed severity, ' hear the conditions of the ibond.' I Write it down,' I said, in haste, 'and so long as 1 am to have the reins 1 will sign.' ' Well, sir,' said she, entering with her old accustomed gaiety into the subject mat- ter. ' I agree to let you keep house on the following conditions :' naming a good manyl, which I listened to with marked interest, and finally condensed into the form of a written contract, though no lawyer; for fear, as I told her, she. would violate the premises. As well as I can remember, tor it was mnany years ago-it ran as follows: i This agreement made this 2zth No- vember, 1853, between Mary Walters of the city. county and state of New York, being party of the first part, and William d'Aubrey of the said city, county and state of New York, party of the second part, witnesseth as follows : Said party of the first part agrees, covenants and binds her- self, heirs and assinines-I mean assigns- to surrender, demise and make over all claim, right and title to housekeeping, and a4l matters pertaining to the welfare of household economy, whether trivial or special, to the party of the second part; moreover delivering up all- accounts, keys and inventory of stores now on hand, and all claim, right or title to the management of each and every person living, or about to live in premises known as ' Villa Felice,' situated at the outskirts of the city of .-- page: 4-5[View Page 4-5] in the State of -.-, for the period of three months. Now, in consideration of this obligation on the-party of the first part,the party of the second part covenants, agrees and binds himself, his heirs and assinines- I mean assigns--to act conscientiously for the benefit of all the inhabitants of said 'Villa Felice,' whether male or female;-- and moreover pledges himself never by word or deed to consult, ask questions of, molest by interrogated words, or lead on by indirect remarks,the party of the first part; to impart, give over or yield up, any infor- mation on or concerning the subject or principle of housekeeping-(this last clause my sister insisted on in a most impressive manner-so I added the following,) and it i distinctly understood, comprehended by, and agreed to between both parties, that the party of the first part interferes with, molests, makes the subject of remark, indi- rectly or directly, impugns ( r maligns, the party of the second party in the pursuit of lawful proceedings neither by appeal, nor by entreaty, nor by satire, irony, libel, gos- sip, hinted evidence or such other expres- sions of mental feeling which are unseemly and tend to weaken man's power or involve in confusion a settled purpose. Said agree- ment to take effect at once on the signing of this contract,' made in duplicate. Signed, sealed and delivered the afore- written day, month and year, in the pres- ence of Witness, MARY WALTERS, [seal.] l WILLIAM D'AUBREY, [seal.] We both signed, and then remembered a witness was necessary. ' I will call Thomas,' said Mary. ' He won't know what we h'avc wrfffetn.'" bowed with 'a legal stiffiess, and waited. She rang--no response. She rang again. A loud laughter in the kitchen caused her to say, as usual, ' Oh! they cannot hear the bell,' and she tripped off lightly and called I Susan! Susan! Su- san!' ' and but the booming roars replied and fast the talk rolled on.' ' Susan,' said she, gently, over the bannisters. 'Susan' is eout, insarm,' said a granite voice from the second story. Don't speak so loud, marml. Johnny has just gone to sleep, and I've had such trou- ble with 'him all the evening ; he must have caught cold going to dancing school. You know, marm I begged you not to send him. 'Mrs. Phillips,' whispered Mary, in a crushed voice, ' where has Susan gone?' 'She went to her sister's, marm. Her child is very ill with the small pox, and she said she knew, if you knew he might die, that you would let her go and sit up with him this last night, poor, dear soul, bless his heart!' Oh, how I chuckled' -' Why, Mrs. Phillips, just come down stairs, please; I want to speak to you.-- Come into the library, only Mr. D'Au- brey is here.' (Humph! ONLY Mr. D'Aubrey!- ' Oh, for to-moirow!') Enter Mrs. Phillips, one of those fat, pylygastric nurses, who divide the twenty- four hours into four days, so as to have three meals to each of their diurnal revolu- tions; whose digestive organs,if thev could speak, would strike for wages; whose eyes move but never look ; their atmosphere -what Germans might call expression- being that of massive rest. She slides into the room and immediate I ly sits down, moving her eyes up to her mistress with a patient and slightly suffer- ing expression, while the process of deglu- tition is slow y going on. I seize a book, pamphlet, anything, hold it in front of my face, and bite my segar in two. ' Did I understand you to say, Mrs. Phillips, that Susan had gone to sit up with a smallpox patient?' ' Her nephew, yes marmn,' ' Oh, how very wrong in her-how-' ' I don't think so, marm.' I ground my teeth. 'Why Mrs. Phillips?' 'The boy marm, may not be yours, but it is her kin and 'she ought to know her duty to a sister's child.' ' Yes, but she might bring the disease to i my little children! she'-' That's in the hands of Providence, marm.' I ram a handkerchief down my mouth and choke- ' Well, as it is not your fault I need not speak to you-but please be so kind as to call Thomas, I only want him for a mo- ment.' The celebrated-- Mrs, Phillips heaved a sigh, pregnant with bread, butter, cold meat and ale; and slid out of the room, crunching her way down stairs. I peeped at my sister-she looked pale and very anxiously perplexed, I pinched my-- self and kept silent. In a few' minutes aj voice was heard singing up the back stairs[ and-enter Sabina spread out with -starch and heavily pomaded hair. ' Mrs. Phil- lips sent one to tell you marm that she had Af to make her -gruel and the fire was low- and -that Thomas had gone-home.' I Why, what time is it, Sabina?' Eight o'clock,' I enunciate distinctly. For one moment Mary's eyes lit up with something like heroism,hbut before she could frame a sentence, the playful want of inter- est exhibited by Sabina, who leaned against the mantel-piece, straightening her cuffs, did the business, and she collapsed. Please tell. Thomas, whe:N he comes to-morrow, Sabina, I would rather not t have him go home quite as early, because' you see,' (oh how I mentally groaned at this humiliating nonsense,) ' I might want l him. You won't 'forget, will you, Sabi- na?' ' No, marmn. Is there anything else i' Having now made herself prim, and taken a quiet survey of the library and viewed me carefully, she was now desirous of retir- ing 'One moment, Sabina,' said Mary, be- ginning to realize her false position before me, * Who i down stairs?' ' Well, I couldn't tell you, marm.' ' Why not?' ' There are so many.' 'How, do you mean so many?' ' Why, marm, it's the cook's birth day; and she thought youwould'nt mind her hav- ing a few friends, so she invited her cousins, dooking at me as though she would ask, ' what have you got to say to that, Mr. Man?') ' Well,Sabina,' said Ma'ry, coloring up in confusion, 'just sign your name to this- it is only as a witness.' I cannot write, marm,' answered dandy Amazon, very short at ,being exposed. page: 6-7[View Page 6-7] 'Then send Elizabeth here.' ' She is out too, marm.' ' What? Elizabeth has gone out?' * Yes marm, you see,' (becoming confi- dential,) the cook and her has quarrelled like-she neglected to ask her to her little party till late this evening, and so she got huffy and put on her things and dashed out of the house,' (at this time I had either an attack of the ague or was laughing so hard internally that it leaked through.) Is Dinah in?' ' Yes Iarin.' ' Ask her, please, to come here.' Sabina tripped off with a satisfied air, and five-ten-fifteen minutes elapsed and no Ellen. I took out my memorandum and quickly wrote down a few valuable plans or the coming campaign. The clock struck half past eight, and my sister opened the entry door and listened-the kitchen door soon shut and somebody ceme up stairs slowly, with a waiter full of some- thing. Is that you, Dinah?' ' Yes inarm.' ' Why didn't you come before?' ' I don't know, mum.' ' Didn't Sabina tell you I wanted you?' ' No, mum. She told me you wanted to know how many were down stairs, and I counted seventeen.' ' Take care Dinah, you're spilling that milk!' ' I can't help it, this pitcher leaks.' ' Where's the children's bowl r' I don't know, mum-I think it's broke.' 'Broken! Why, I bought a new one yesterday.' 'Tain't my fault.' Hopelessly resigned, my sister Mary- po. litely requested her to put down the wait- er, and explained the nature of a witness's duty. We acknowledged our signatures I and Dinah wrote out her name in a neat hand, then picked up the waiter and walk- ed out of the room with the air of an in- jured innocent. I jumped up, kissed my sister, informed her that for the next three months she was to he a passive observer, asked her to retire, locked up the contract, and gave the bell one pull that brought half the household to the door. PART II. MAN'S PLAN. i As the servants rushed into the library they found me quietly reading a book and puffing at the pages. I slightly raised my eyes to this back ground of faces on which might be seen, surprise, anger, imperti- nence, curiosity and excitement. I slowly placed my book half open across my knee, , with my hand resting on the cover, and with the other taking my segar out of my mouth, knocked the ashes off into a little glass tub; elevated my eyebrows and asked in perfect astonishment,yet measured tones: ' What-is-the-macter?' ' That's what we want to know sir;' exclaimed the cook, a little let down by my coolness ' Nothing that I know of,' I replied, 'ex- cept that I took the liberty of ringing my bell,' increasing in volume as I spoke. ' We thought some one was sick, sir,' said Sabina. * I don't want to know what you thought,' -'I rolled out in emphatic base, 'I want the WAITER! which -is t'-That neuter cut them to the heart. - But they rallied-a revolt was immi- nent, I had lived in the family one year, with my sister as housekeeper, and had never made a remark to the servants, it being my habit in lite to submit to what was not my business, or clear out. But now-now, with Imprimatur on my fore- head, a clutch in my mental fingers, and a hungry longing to rule free: ha! ha!- Let us see. This was a trying moment- The vessel had been signalled, and my col- ors were to be shown-so here they go- the flag of the little brig *one-man-power,' with the motto ' Anvil or hammar answer ham mar,' is unfurled. Hemmed in by swelling indignation, whisperings and sullen looks, I jumped up and yelled in stentorian voice: ' Leave my room! How dare you an- swer the waiter's bell? Send me the wait- er and clear out, every one of you!' and, with a sweeping wave of my hand, I stalked towards the door. Reader, did you ever see the sun chase a big cloud right off a green field, and, with no respite, drive it headlong away over beyond the horizon? Such was the rapid departure of my stupe- li:d retainers. On reaching the door, I slammed it' to with a violence that echoed through the hushed and palsied house. Oh the benefit of a good slamn-not a pu-sh-nor a quick shut-nor even a bump, all oft which show still a want of firmness and decision-- but a good old-fashioned 'bang ' as though it had got into your throat and you could'nt breathe-that life depended on shutting out a flash of light- ning and you hadn't Lime to wait-that the harder you impelled it against the\doorway the sooner would end fast fleeting agony- Sthat the nearer you got to what night be called an explosiveshut: the more complete would be your safety, that if all your con- centrated passion could be, not flung, (that is too week) hut hurled at that one parti- tion a vacuum might he made in your room towards which good impulses mignt be drawn inversely. Many a 0ood natured man who has been cornered by injustice has slammed off his anger, and is ready to torgive, but not give up. There is a dig- nity in this rapid developement of muscu- ,lar power which-admits of no surrendcr- the gauntlet has been :hrown down, the ckip has been knocked off the shoulder, the' black flag is hoisted and skull and bones stand out in bold relief. There may be a. calm, the wind may die out, but the mnons- ter waves once lashed up to a Titanic pow.- er move on of their own accord, and wash away the very vestige of resistance. Ask- ing to, be forgiven after slamming a door is ke touching off a Rodman gun, and then calling out to the fort in front to ' look out' ' take care!' ' do get out of the way.' A first class slam is cumulative long after the noise has ceased-the nerves go on slammning--the valves of the heart flap to and from-the tympanum roils a revelrie to all the shattered senses, the offender slammed at, at once subsides from rage to fear; the mental barometer falls-and ap- prehension-tre requiescat--is a don't know what is coming next. A bona fide, aban- doned slam is a Domestic Earthquake. - next sat down on my Mexican chair, and waited fbr the rapid hatching of the egg. A regster led up from the kitchen page: 8-9[View Page 8-9] into mny room, and though never used, formed one of those abominable listening' tubes that might be truthfully called family tale-hearers. This time, however, I had the pleasure of overhearing the following fragmentary evidence of a reaction: ' He must be crazy.' ' Did he drink much after dinner?' I say, you have been here longer than I have, have you ever seen aim so betore?' Then a giggle, and some one saying: ' Is he married?' Sabina, ain't you ashamed to laugh?' -poor thing-won't stay-gallows '-then silence. and in a few minutes one after another of the visitors passed bv under the window on tip-toe, and almost immediate- ly a soft knock and a pause. I thought * * ; and acted. * Come in,' said I, in one of those gen- tle and subdued voices that no one but a passionate man can possess. The door gradually opened, and there stood Susan, the devoted aunt. I had placed a volume of engravings be- fore nv eyes, and was busily engaged in drawing some plan, on paper, as she en- tered. I went on for a little while in si- lence, when she said: JI understood, sir --- I said ' wait a minute,' and went on rul- ing one entire side, with double lines, in perfect forgetfulness of her presence. When she spoke again, 'Did you send, for me, sir?' I would have answered at once, for I felt awfully at appearing such a tyro; but the case was a desperate one of I long standing, and required heroic treat- ment. I .kept her waiting, at first as a les- son, that her imagination might take wings and fly to the uttermost realms of unhappi- ress. -The second aime, 1 thought -I de- tected a little impatience in her voice, so I said, taking a pen and dipping it in red ink, ' wait one moment, Susan,' and went on lining and interlining. This was not read- ing, studying, nor writing; it was what she I very well knew I could do any time. So i it told on her. Each moment her valor 'oozed out, and as soon as I felt that the cup of. bitterness was pretty well drained, I proceeded to offer up this victim as a sacri- fice to peace. ' Susan, how is your sister's child?' I looked straight into her. There was no sternness or smartness in my expression, but the gaze was mathematical. I was measuring her candor, and analyzing her mind. She colored up and said, ' he's no better, sir ; and they've given him up: but the doctor says good nursing will do wonders.' ' I think so, too. Go back to your sis- ter and stay till he is better; I will supply your place.' Ths puzzled her, but she could say nothing. I meant 'go,' and she went.- There was no delay-I saw her walk by the. window almost at once, and overheard the whisper, ' who next?' I now rang the bell, and Dinah came to the door, saying, before she knocked, the I waiter is out, sir, so I answered your ring. ' Do you know where Thomas lives?' ' Yes sir.' ' Then tell him I want him now-' Yes sir,' she disappeared. Oh the benefit of that slam." In half an hour in walked Thomas. ' Never do you enter my room without knocking. It is a piece of impertinence. I ,will not put up with.' L ' I did not mean anything by it, sir.' 'Well, don't do it again, and always take your hat off when you come before a gen. tleman or lady. Such ignorance might lose you a good place.' His wages were high I knew. It was also winter, and he gave in. He stood still with his hat in hand and waited. ' Thomas I want you to bring the close carriage to the door with the two bays.' ' Yes sir; but the off horse cast his hind shoe yesterday and I am afraid.' 4 You need not be, the ground is covered with snow. I shall want the carriage in fifteen minutes.' ' Yes sir, but-' ' But what?' ' I left the carriage this morning at the blacksmiths to have a new tire put on it,-I sir. ' Who told you to?' '-Nobody, sir.' ' Then never do anything of that kind again without first reporting it to me.' ' Yes sir,' moving slightly towards the door as though it was all settled now. What other vehicle haveyou got in the stable?' The Phaton, sir; the open box wagon and the carryall.' ' Very well then, bring the nigh horse round in the carryall.' ' He never went in single harness since I drove Mrs. --' 'Well, then, put the other one in.', Nor him neit::er, sir.' ' Humph!' it looked a little black. ' Well, where is the other horse, the gray, tthat your mistress always drives when alone?' ' He is at the veterinary surgeons, sir.-- I took him there last Monday and he is to be blistered for two weeks off and on, sir.' s Well, Thomas, as the coachman of the family, I ask you what can be done.' ' I must go out to-night. Can you sug- gest anything?' ' Nothing but to hire a hack, sir.' * That's a very good idea, how far is the livery stable from here?' ' Just next to where I live, sir. I can get one in a minute, sir.' Oh! so cheerfully. Very well, Thomas, just harness the two bays and ride down there and put them to one. 'ell the livery stable keeper that i I wish it, and will pay for the use ot it.' i ' But, sir, it is' ' Thomas, I would advise you not to be lung. You ought to be ashamed to call I yourselt a coachman, and have what is un- der youre charge in such a condition. The ! idea ft a horse two days without a shoe.' ' it isn't my - ' ' Not a word-go and do your duty in future. I shall expect you here in halt an hour.' He backed out of the room, longing to to say something (what it was I don't care) but completely at sea As he paased under my window, (though I have not sworn for many years,) I am pretty sure I heard sev- eral full sized oaths At the appointed time the bell rang and I went out and got into the carriage. The horses looked very warm, and, though the night was cold, one I was covered with foam. I said nothing, but told him to drive to Susan's sister's. On arriving at- the door, I heard sounds 'of very lively music for a dying child, and saw the house all lighted up. page: 10-11[View Page 10-11] ' Oh, I understand, it is one of those Hi- bernian wakes. Poor thing!' and I began to pardon Susan, feel sorry for the coach- man, and made up my mind to give $Io towards the sepulchral expenses. As I entered the house, surcharged with benev- olence and overcome by a repentant feeling, I caught sight of Susan and a strapping man whirling round the floor to the tune of the Irish Washwoman. I approached her and said, I I hope he is better.' She uttered a scream and ran out of the room. The next morning after having gone over everything in the house, I sent for each servant and told them quietly but firmly that my sister's health was not very good, and that I was houscke-per-that as they had engaged to fill certain positions, I should take it for granted they understood their business; that I had neither the time nor would I take the trouble to overlook their work, but that as soon as I saw any- thing wrong they would hear from me. If they wanted anything I was the person. My housekeeping hours were from 9 till Io a. m., no more. If they could not take the trouble to ask for what they wanted at that time, they could go without till the next day. I should not tell them what to do or when to do it, but if it wasn't done, they would certainly leave. That I allowed no company and gave them certain nights to go out, but if anything special and true was the matter I was ready to assist, ' and now,' said I, 'no quarreling down stairs; each one to their work and no complaining.- The moment you are discontented come to me and you can go at once if you choose. I do not want any notice ever, except where a baby is concerned.' This done I then ad- vertised for a cook. The next day my cook, down Sitairs, came up to me quite flushed, and wanted, to know if I intended to turn her away. I said no, I had no idea of it, but thought i; was a very good plan to have two in the house ; that I intended making the new one a waiter, and then it anything happened, such as thesud- den departure, ' of my cook,' I said, look- ing right at her, ' for you know they are quick tempered, why then I have one on hand.' She colored up and retired. After going through a great deal of nonsense about the words 'help' an d ' servants,' I at length got what I. wanted and all went on smoothly for a time. My plan for detecting neglect in the cleaning of a room, was to stick halfa doz. en pins in different places about it-some on the walls, in the window and other places that ought to be wiped. If I found them there after the cleaning, I became suddenly very disagreeable, During my sister's administration, I had I been obliged to wait sometimes three weeks ! before she could find time, for her servants, to put a button on my waistcoat. Now, when I wanted anything done, the first ! person that passed my library door was stopped, no matter what htr work might be at the time, sent for a clothes brush, needle or hammar, and tie thing was done at once. It acted like a Liarm, and all went on well. At first they objected, (only si- lently), but I told them plainly that I hired them for my benefit, not theirs, whic'h generally followed; and that though their work was specified to a certain degree, they must on all occasions answer any calls and pay always for breakage. This last saved twentydollars a month, for hardly anything under those expensive circumstances, fell *out of their 'hands; and I noticed the plea of ' sudden change of weather,' or * some one must have disturbed it,' or 'that hor- rid cat has been among those dishes and upset: them,' or ' 'twas cracked before,' be- came, as worn out as aphorisms of the past. I was always very attentive to them when sick. This tells, in the long run, on ser- vants, for they are very susceptible to a kind act out of place-indulgence, howev- er, is soon forgotten. I always made it a habit, too, to pay each servant something more a month than any one else. That, also, acted wonderfully like a retainer. But I distinctly told them I wanted my work done, because it was paid for. I asked no favors. Two other rules saved me much trouble. When a girl said she couldn't do any set job, on account of no time, no mat- ter what it was. I always said, ' why, that's all nonsense; it only takes five minutes;' and not infrequently have I irritated them into doing almost impossibilities. I never valued any cheap article under five dollars. Another great mistake, is to find fault with a servant before any one. Have they done wrong, go to your library and ring Ioudly-that is half the battle; then tell tie waiter to call the chambermaid, and Ltnen speak. You will find everything easy. They have had time to reflect; to' weigh the pros and cons, and have half thought themselves into submission. Never argue. If you have the right exert it, but never be unjust; and, above all, believe me when I tell you that their feelings are exquisite on the subject of neglect. Let them once feel I a respect for you, yet know you, are deter- mined to have anything done, and a simple, remark will 'lie like lead on their stomachand i you will hear them talkinigof it down stairs E and using the bow anchor of firmness, ' he said so,' until it is done. Never change I your mind. I remember once, during that memorable interregnum of three months, and, in fact, i -the only time in my life did it happen.- - I had invited some very pleasant, agreeable t and talented friends to spend the evening. I ordered my supper in the morning, and it t commenced to snow. I continued giving orders, and it continued snowing, and we kept at it very close on to each other ; if anything, the snow was a little ahead, but I went on in the same way. At the proposed time the gas was lit, a lantern was placed on the piazza; snow swept off; the side gate unhung by the waiter man, and a path made. The snow piled high, and the do- nmestics began to give in, or out, I don't know which. They doubted the proba- bility of any one venturing out that ' dread- tful night.' A little" later, they began to talk among themselves of the improbability of any one coming. I immediately ordered the gas turned up in full ; the candles lit, and the supper table laid-every dish put in its place empty, to be filled at the proper time-all for discipline. (I had said it was to be done in the morning.) I then went up stairs and dressed. My sister, who had gained five pounds every week since her abdication, met me in the drawing room, dressed elegantly, and with an encouraging air pressed my hand' She' did not dare to make a remark, or the contract would have been violated; but I thought I could de- tect in her eye an acknowledgment of my success. As I sauntered through the bril- liantly lighte'd rooms, rather depressed at page: 12-13[View Page 12-13] the non-arrival of my guests, the waiter said Thomas would like to speak to me. I im- mediately went to the star chamber and took an easy position. ' A knock this time.' * Come in.' In walked Thomas with his hat in his hand and bowing respectively, he said- ' J have just come from the stable Mr. D'Aubrey, and thought you would like to know about the storm, sir.' ' What storm?' I exclaimed, 'oh, )ou mean the snow storm, yes-is it still snow- ing?' At that moment the window was crackling with the hail. - Yes sir, and I thought I'd tell you that no one could come out to-night, for a horse without a wagon could not walk one hun- dred yards' ' Thank you, Thomas, give the bay mare more corn to-morrow and call Henry.'- Henry, the waiter, came in expecting or- ders to put away the clean things and lock up for it was ten, and not a soul had arrived. ' Order supper Henry at eleven.' ' For whom, sir?' ' For me-what are you waiting for?' ' How much, sir,' said he, in a bewilder- ed air. ' All of it.' He looked anxious. He could not clas- sity me, but discipline must be carried out, so Mary and I sat down to enough for twenty-five persons, who had never known the pangs of dyspepsia. As soon as we had finished I ordered a large portion of it down stairs, for the benefit of the servants and retired. They all looked pleased and I was satisfied. Mrs. Phillips had the night- mare at about two o'clock. Before I took charge, the allies of my I d household were accustomed to cotne in at - all hours and sit up till .they were toosleepy ' to go to bed, lboking the next morninglike wet blotting paper. But that was soon stopped. For the morning of my address to them I stated that the house was shut up at ten p. inm., and now and then it wasamus- * ing to hear the door open as the clock struck. One night at about twelve as I was sitting at my desk in the library, I heard someone trying to get in. I knew it was the waiter who had slipped out without leave, so I tuned out the gas, put my head out of the window and said 'I know it must be a robbe., for they are all in,' and seeing his torm I fired off my revolver overhead.- No servant ever tried again to enter by stealing in after hours. When my sister kept house I suffered much for want of dishes during many days in the week.- There was very little variety. Sundays we had only potatoes and cold meat. Why,' I asked. They must go, to church, my dear brother.' Mondays, one fry, not even a roast, it was washing day, all the heat must be turned off from the oven for the boiler.- T he cook wouldn't have it roasted in front, the only true way. So no dessert could be baked. Tuesdays I could have no company for it was ironing day, and the irons filled up the range and nothing extra could be made. I submitted to my sister. But now I had soup every day, and whenever I saw anything very good in market I ordered it home and had it cook- ed. Strange isn't it, with the sme range and the same cook? Before my reign we could not breakfast till nine, the cook said that the milkman came so late. During my reign we breakfasted at eight punctual- ly, for I supgested to her the propriety of rising at six instead of seven and letting him in on his first trip instead of taking the milk from him on his return. My sister was obliged to tell her two or three days before hand that she was going to have company, that she might have time to get j everything ready for dinner. I frequently brought home two or three guests with-fish and game in the\ sanme carriage and ordered it as the fourth course while partaking of soup. On one occasion I brought in par- tridges. twenty minutes before dinner. I went down stairs knowing she would be roused this time, and flanked her by saying, 'Hannah, you won't have time to 'pick those birds,so just draw them and skin them' J want them roasted.' Before she recov-; ered from her astonishment I had depart- ed. Whenever a quarrel down stairs took place I never interfered as long as they did not talk loud, but the next day it I noticed any one in the sulks or a tendency to let things go by, I had the iurniture of one room changed to another. This required I ' all hands' to work together5 and I made t them fly -round so, that when it was done; they were only too happy to go to lunch r and rest, and I could hear many a joke and a pleasant laugh rise from the kitchen table. 'o One rainy evening, as my sister and my- - self were sitting in front of the wood fire, is exactly two months since the famous con- n tract, and very much in the same position, a e and talking. over everything but it, a tin4d e knock was heard. I said,' come in,' an d Sabina entered, looking very healthy and neat-I cannot say pretty, though she had a good figure. ! I never asked questions on these occa- sions. I always made it difficult for -them to talk in this, to them, gloomy room.- rThey had to stumble through themselves. ; ' Can I speak to you, sir.' * ertainly, Sabina-go on.' j 1 have come to say, sir, that--that-I have came to say, sir, that '- a pause; she look;-d very guilty. ' That's right, Sabina; you have come to say that-I understand--butwhat have you come to say?' ' I have come to say, sir, that--l have come to go, sir!' I controlled myself. She was an excel- lent chambermaid; understood my ways thoroughly; and did her work well; had ! always been respectful to me, and was very steady. It would be a great loss, but Dts- CIPLINE must be preserved, and my mind was at once made up. N;y sister looked surprised and sorry right out. ' Well, Sabina, when do you wish to go.' ' On Saturday, sir.' Oh how my sister wanted to speak, but I looked at the tin box that held the con- tract and she bit her lip. 'Very well, Sabina, you have a perfect right to go when and where you please, and I will take great pleasure in writing out an excellent character for you. Let me see, dooking at my account book) that is two weeks wages making $8. 1 never make presents, but as you are goirfg here is a ten dollar bill. Where would you like page: 14-15[View Page 14-15] your trunk carried, tell me and I will send it by Thomas Saturday morning?' Oh! it isn't that, sir,' said she, ' but--- but, sir,' with the tears flowing rapidly. ' Why,. what is the matter, Sabina?' (the first question apart from business I had ever asked.) I don't want to leave you, sir.' *Well, that is strange, then why do you?' (business question.) 'I'm going, sir-I'm going, sir, to--be- married!' and she burst into tears. (i congratulated myself on being a bach- elor, it conjugal affection produced such an effect.) 'Oh! that's it,' said 1, dryly. 'Well 1 hope you will be happy.' ' But you've been so kind, sir, you-' lThere now stop, I have only tried to be just,' said I, looking exultingly at my smiling sister, who took off a little gold stud and gave it to her with many wishes ot a happy life. Everything went on regularly as clock- work. There was a place for everything, and everything in its place. When the bell rang during dear Mary's sway, it continued to ring, ana on one occasion, a friend niet me in the street and said: Why William, have you moved?' I replied no, that we were very corn- fortable where we were, ' why do you ask?' sThat's very strange,' said he, ' we call- ed yesterday at one o'clock and rang for twenty minutes. No one coming we con- cluded you had left for Europe.' ' No,' I said, feeling rather confused, '.the waiter I believe is subject to sciatica. At times he is taken suddenly and cannot move, and the reason we did not hear the bell, (I looked away as I said so,) his cries of pain are such that you cannot hearyour- I self speak.' , Now -the door is answered before the first ring stops sounding. For I arranged it so as to vibrate long enough to give a per- son time to go from any part of the house in exactly tw-) minutes; and no man of the world rings oftener than once every three minutes. I would not have written all this but my blessed sister soon entirely followed out my retormation and is fairly convinced, as she says, that when a man sets about a;y miatter, he is very tlhorough: clear headed; and. above all, not easily llut down. Oh! it' all womnen thought so' eh, Mr Caudle? I knew one learned gentleman who only desi ed pence and good food. H;s wife never allowed him to ofler a suggestion. She called him a genius, and made him mind. Formerly Mary rose thoughttful, with the pressure of business on her brain. At meals she was abstracted, often wor- ried, and at all times the repository ol'do- mestic troubles. Hei healthy organizal. tion was altogether too mesmerized by the petty warfare below stairs. She was nevcr idle, and yet rarely accomplished anything foi herself. Her position in the household might have been called that of GRAND FINISHERll. She planned 'work and waited for its completion in vain.' Fi- nally she would bring it into the library and stitch-stitch-all through the pleas-' ant evenings. I knew this, for I laid a plan One April I asked her to work me a pair of slippers on. cloth. I presume a clever woman, undisturbed, could have delivered them over to me at the 'end of the week Now,. no one is more clever than my sister ; yet I did not get those slippers till December; and then she handed them to me in sadness, and said, with an attempt at cheerfuiluess. ' dear William, I worked one myseltf; but my duties are such that I gave out the other to that poor woman whose husband is at sea Has'nt she done it well?' Now, I lind her reading, paying 'visits,and often of an evening she comes to me and says, I William, would'nt you like some new handkerchiefs embroidered?' or 'can't I mend anything for you I have just fin- ished miy music and have nothing to do.' On another occasion, while she was mending-not making reader-but mend- ing. her children's clothes, I offered to read one of Ik Marvel's revar'ies of a bachelor, a special favorite of mine She thanked me, and I proceeded. On-finishing one of his admirable paragraphs, I put the book down and exclaimed. ', isn't that capital?' She said at once, ' no, I think it is very - discolraging.' DI s-couraging! Why, what in the i world do you mean, Mary?' ' Excuse me, William, but I was'nt lis- i tening. The fact of it is, there has been another row down stairs, and I do think that girl ought to be ashamed of herself to treat Susan so ;' and then for one hour t a tolpographical and analytical history of i the entire household was gone into, with t a con anmore spirit, which lasted through I two segars and a glass of water. I never t spoke. On these occasions they don't t I want you to talk; only to listen They , say in a ,weet nd confiding.'manne,;-,3u t 1now I have no one to sympalthize with me :' and offthey go, like the recitation of t1'opels Homer, made by some school girl Iwho has been sentenced to ruin through so many lines. I sli)ped the 'reveries into their place, so that she would not be hurt, and I do assure you that when she ^ had got through I believe if you had asked hei suddenly *ho discovered America?' shle would have eplied ' An Irishman-- I thforget his lname.' Formerly - thiere was evei a business igraI\ity asbout her : now she alweys .)p- pe;ared with a sweet smile that lit up her teomintenanne, as though it had beein sprin- kled all over. with sun-powder. Difficult indeed was it tho Mary to order anything without :n advance notice, for othet wise she was forced to start her. little bark through the S(ylla and Charybdis of ire island,' namely, ' The tire s too low, miin ;' or ' I've just put on coal, maim.' Now sthe reads to me herself arid marks -the lprettiest passages in rTennyson, which no \ oman could find out if her under- standing had Deen mortgaged by ser- ' letore, 'o matter what dish of meat was set before me, it was always day, r' t1 e griavy made of'butter and water. I have often seen mutton chops come on table looking like little islands of meat sur- rounded by watel, on whch might be de- tected a tickley benders of grease. Five minutes conversation on my part supplied the deficiency, and caused one cqn of lard to outlast six of those in olden'times. page: 16[View Page 16] When I first took charge of the kitchen, the cook laide one struggle-but only one. Thte iely to her question indicated ueliC iglnomi, a. e or inldifference on my part, that everything suggested in future was served as directed and well done. Having or- deied mamny dishes one day--I don't know whether it was washing or ironing day, I never used to ask: I also gave the ingre- dients of very nice pudding, and said 'can you make that?' 'I know how, sir, but can't to-day.' Why not?' 'There is no room in the oven, you have filled it with your orders, and it is impos- sible to bake it this afternoon.' 'You cannot bake it. then?, 'No, sir,' ' Then broil it '
