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The physiology of New York boarding-houses

page: 0 (TitlePage) [View Page 0 (TitlePage) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 0 (TitlePage) OF NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. BY THOMAS BUTLER GUNN. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS ON WOOD, DESIGNED AND DRAWN BY THE "TRIANGLE," A. E. WAUD, AND THE AUTIIOR, AND ENGRAVED BY JOHN ANDREW. "Je vais, par mon pouvoir diabolique, enlever les toits des maisons; et le dedans, va . i se decouvrir a vos yeux." ' "E DIABLE BOITEUX. (I am about, by my supernatural powers, to take away the roofs from the houses, and to reveal to your eyes whatever is doing within them.) NEW YORK:' MASON BROTHERS, 108 & 110 DUANE STREET. 1857. page: 0[View Page 0]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 0 Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by MASON BROTHERS, In the Clerk's Office, of the District Court, for- the Southern District of New York. ELEOTROTYED BY PRINTED BY THOMAS B. SMTH, . A. ALVORD, 82 & 84 Beekman-st., N. Y. 15 Vandewater-st, N. Y. ESPECIALLY SINGLE YOUNG MEN, THS BOOK IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED Hit &T Qx-mmke of ilj e (fratmlifg ESPECIALLY SINGLE YOUNG MEN, page: 0[View Page 0]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 0 PREFACE., HE Bedouins-so we are informed by Layard- set any member of a tribe who is unable to sleep to watch the camels. With the like practical philosophy the Author of this volume, having had considerable experience of New York Board- ing-Houses, resolved to devote that not-altogether-agreea- blv-acquired knowledge to the formation of a book. He hopes his readers will approve the performance. He thinks some of them may recognize more or less par- ticulars as the counterpart of those familiar to their own personal observation. Perhaps it were indicative of a too sanguine disposition to express, expectations of securing the approbation of the proprietors and' proprietresses of the Establishments treated of. He trusts, however, they will read his "Physiology." They may derive profit from it-if'not pleasure. May he suggest that a- more judicious present from a Boarder or Boarders to a Landlady than this volume-- especially if-a leaf or so be turned down in appropriate places-could scarcely be imagined? in page: vi-vii (Table of Contents) [View Page vi-vii (Table of Contents) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page vi-vii (Table of Contents) Vi PREFACE. i And, further, may he here record his very sincere thanks to Messrs. Frank Bellew, Alfred R. Waud, and John Andrew, for their valuable and indispensable as- sistance on the illustrations? T. B. G. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. PAGE , INTRODUCTORY, METROPOLITAN, AND TICIPATORY ............ " CHAPTER II. OF LOOKING OUT FOR A BOARDING-HOUSE ................... 1 CHAPTER III. OF BOARDING WITH A PRIVATE FAMLY .................... 21 ' CHAPTER IV. THE CHEAP BOARDING-OU SE ON A LARGE SCALE ................ 31 CHAPTER V. - THE FASHONABLE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE YOU DON'T GET ENoUGH TO EAT ....................... 40 CHAPTER VI. THE DIRTY BOARDING-HOUSE .......................... 49 CHAPTER VITT THE HAND-TO-MOXUT BOARDINo-HOusE ........... ........... f , *1, *. i8 ' page: viii (Table of Contents) -ix (Table of Contents) [View Page viii (Table of Contents) -ix (Table of Contents) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page viii (Table of Contents) -ix (Table of Contents) CHAPTER VIII. [E "EERIOUS"BOARDING-HOUSE. ......*. ..****** 6$ 5 CHAPTER IX. iE THEATRICAL BOARDING-HOUSE ............ ....... CHAPTER X. IE BOARDING-HOuSE WHEREIN SPIRITUALISM BECOMES PRE- DOM3INA T. .. ...* ......****" *" " CHAPTER XI. 'IE MEAN BOARDING-HOUSE .......................... 92 CHAPTER XII. 'HE BOARDING-Ho1sE WHEERE TERE ARE MARRAGEABLE DATUGHTERS" ............. 103 CHAPTER XIII. H rHE CrEAP HOTEL BOABDING-]IOUSE .......******........ 1" CHAPTER XIV. T tE BOABDING-..OUSE WHERE THE LADLADY DRINKS............ 11 CHAPTER XV. THE BOADING-HOJUSE WHOSE LANDLADY LIKES TO BE IL- OF A TIP-TOP BOA&RDING-HOUSE ...................... 135 Tl ]3AIIGHUEWOELADAYKST EIL CHAPTER XVII B PAGE TaE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE YOU'RE EXPECTED TO MAKE LOVE TO THE LANDLADY. ................................. 147 CHAPTER XVIII. OF ANOTHER MEAN BOARDING-HOUSE. .................... . 156 CHAPTER XIX. THE FAMLY .EIOTEL ON BROADWAY ........................ 165 CHAPTER XX. .: THE ARTISTS' BOARDING-HOUSE. ................... ...... 113 CHAPTE R XXI. THE VEGETARIAN BOARDING-HOUSE (AS IT WAS).............. 181 CH APTER XXII. ' THE MEDICAL STUDENTS' BOARDING-HOUSE. .......... ... 192 CHIAPTER XXIII. THE BOAEDING-HOUSE FREQUENTED BY BOSTONIANS ............ 204 :. ,! CHAPTER -XXIV. THE BOARDIN E G- WHOU SE W LANDLADY IS A SOUTHERNER.... 214 - CHAPTER X-XV . . THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE THE LANDLADY IS FROM "DOWNm -, EAST" ................. .............,......... 226 . : 1'P : * , */ page: x (Table of Contents) -11[View Page x (Table of Contents) -11]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page x (Table of Contents) -11 X CONTENTS. CHAPTER XXVI. PAGE THE BOARDING-HOUSE IN WHCH ENGLISHMEN PREDOMNATE.... 236 CHAPTER XXVII.- TEm "PENSION FRANgAISE"1 ................. .......... 246 CHAPTER XXVIII. THE GERMAN "GASTHAUS"... ................... ... .. 255 CHAPTER XXIX. THE IRISH IMMGRANT BOARDING-HOUSE (AS IT WAS).......... 263 CHAPTER XXX. THE CHESE BOARDING-HOUSE 70............................ 20 CHAPTER XXXI. THE SALORS' BOANG-HOUSE. ................... 271 CHAPTER XXXII. TEE BOARDING-HOUSE WHCH GIVES SATISFACTION TO EVERY BoDY . Y 282 BODY6 ... ..e ........... . ................................... 282 CHAPTER XXXIII. OF DIFFERENT SORTS OF BOARDERS. ........ * .... 284 CHAPTER XXXIV. RETROSPECTIVE AND VALEDICTORY ................ . '. 296 THE PHYSIOLOGY O r NEW YORK BOARDINGtHOUSES. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTORY, METROPOLITAN, AND ANTICIPATORY. slightest doubt of the hs : cessity for this work; but being Very much alive to the responsbility of emul, teux in unroofing houses, and unvailing to our read- ers the peculiarities of the Establishments whose gen- eric title we have assum- ed, we shall offer a preliminary word or so in justification , of our task. More than half a million of human beings are said to be resident in this capital of the Western World. Now each individual of them has, is, or may become subject to page: 12-13[View Page 12-13]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 12-13 12 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF Boarding-House domiciliation. Like death, no class is ex- empt from it.- A topic of more universal interest, com- mending itself equally to author-craft and the public, could scarcely be hoped for. Is it not, then, remarkable that ours should be the first attempt to grapple with it in a fitting and comprehensive manner? A volume such as we can conceive rather than produce -penned with profound and philosophic knowledge of the subject, scrupulous veracity, and delectable wit and wisdom--would needs be priceless. We wish we could cast such a ond on the restless waters of the sea of life around us. To the lips of the student of human nature a chalice, fraught with instruction and delight, should be freely offered; to the alien and stranger a book of good counsel and comfort; and to mankind in general, we, like the serpent in Eden--yet possessing, withal, no latent guile -would proffer knowledge. In default of this much-to-be-desired volume, we respectfully tender ours. The remark of a sage Gascon (who must have been the Tupper of his day), "that there's scarcely any place where so much can be seen as in the world," may, cer- tainly, in a minor degree, be applied to this metropolis. It has no equal--at least, on this side of the Atlantic. It is the most free and easy place conceivable. The right to do "as you d-n please"--to quote the democratic phraseology of the aborigines-is nowhere so universally recognized, or less curbed by authority. Individual character, therefore, whether of men or social institu- tions, is apt to be forcibly developed, and to present peculiarities worth noting. And we conceive that no bettel' place for sketching these can be selected than our substitutes for homes-Boarding-Houses. Our Physi- ology\should contain types of a large portion of the popu- lation. NEW YORK BOARDINGO-I OUISES.. 13: There is another, though a secondary reason, for our book's existence. The present is a mutable generation, possessing but little of the conservative element, unwilling to pause, ever jostling onward, considering nothing final. Does it not behoove us, then, to leave record of what has been for the benefit of that illustrious personage---Pos- terity? It is true that he may (or may not) have the privilege of turning over with indifferent hand certain dusty files of newspapers, there to rake among embers and ashes which blaze briskly enough now. But being a great phi- losopher (which must certainly be the case if he avail himself of only half the books. bequeathed to him), he may cogitate a la Carlyle's Past acnd Present, thus: - '"Life zoas a fact with my great-great-grandfather. He - - went to bed of nights, and got up of mornings, even as I ' do. He attired himself (after a very absurd and ungainly fashion, to be sure, compared with the present mode), and was hungry two or three times a day. I should like to know, in detail, how the old boy existed. Here are ad- - vertisements respecting Boarding-Houses. Perhaps he lived at one? I wonder what they were!" ; : In anticipation of this, and for other equally good rea- sons, we take pen in hand. And as the doughtiest of heroes, the mightiest of achievements, pass away when unchronicled, so-did we not undertake to embalm them in printers ink--might the various characteristics of New York Boarding-Houses. Cheops, king of Egypt, to secure this sort of immortality, erected a pyramid-and that's all we know about him. He 'd much better have kept a' diary. We might, then, have known what he had for breakfast. A few sheets of perishable papyri pinned to Time's wing makes us cotemporary hWith Cleopatra. It may be, then, that a thousand years hence, some - o. . page: 14-15[View Page 14-15]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 14-15 " NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. student, curious in antiquarian knowledge, will, in some future Astor Library, turn over our pages, diligentl in tent on the past and this Physiology of New Yor Boarding-Houses. Let us hope so. /,? . CHAPTER II. OP1 LOOKING OUT FOR A BOARDING-HOUSE. THE Establishments of which we purpose to speakre many and mul- tifarious, possessing their own idiocracies, and but seldom amenable to other I rules and regulations than ; those of their proprietors. ' As Gow Chrom, in Scott's novel, fought "for his own hand," so each tenement nmay be described as sui generis, irrespective of others. They have some general characteristics, but not enough of particular ones to suggest order in their enumeration. Classification, therefore, becomes impossible. We shall only endeavor to place. them under appropriate titles. Where, now, to begin? As one who for the first time enters upon Boarding-House existence is desirous of dis- covering the abode of all others most suited to his neces- sities and inclinations, so, here, we experience a tem- porary difficulty of choice. The subject is so vast, so comprehensive. "The world" (of Boarding-Houses) "is all before us--where to choose." We will take advantage of our simile and commence by describing the proceed- ings of the seeker for a Boardinng-House. page: 16-17[View Page 16-17]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 16-17 16 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF He either inserts in the Herald, Tribune, or Times, an advertisement specifying his particular requirements, or consults those addiressed to humanity in general through the medium of their columns-perhaps adopts both meas- ures. In the former case, the next morning puts him in possession of a vast amount of corres- pondence, from the daintily-penned and' delicately-envelop- towndom- to the ill-spelled, pencil- ed notes of Green- wich and Hludson- streets. It matters not that he has in- dicated any definite locality; sanguine householders in remote Brooklyn districts clutch at him, Hoboken resi- dents yearn toward him, and the writer of a stray Williamsburg epistle is " confident that an arrangement can be made" if he will favor her with a visit. After lay- ing aside as inelicible as many letters as there are Smriths in a New York Directory, he devotes a morning to the purposes of inspection and selection. He becomes acquainted with strange localities and bell- handles. He scrutinizes informatory scraps of paper wafered up beside doorways. He endures tedious wait- ings at thresholds-it -being a curious fact in connection wNith Boarding-Houses that a single application for admis- sion through the usual medium never procures it. And according as his quest be high or low, so will his experi- ence vary. NEW YO0RK BOARDING-HOUSES. 17 If the former, he may expect to be ushered into spa- cious and luxuriously-furnished parlors, where, seated in comfortably-padded rocking-chairs, and contemplating marble tables, on'which gorgeously-bound volumes are artistically arranged, thousand-dollar piano-fortes, and mirrors capable of abashing a modest man to utter speechlessness, he will tarry the advent of stately dames, whose dresses rustle as with conscious opulence. He will precede them-they being scrupulous as to exposure of ankles--up broad staircases to handsome apartments; and listen with bland satisfaction to the enumeration of "all the modern improvements" which their mansions com- prise; nor, perhaps, be startled at the "figure" for which they may be enjoyed. If " money be no object," he will not have to seek far, or fare badly. But the researches of him whose aspirations are cir- cumscribed by a shallow purse will produce different re- sults. By Irish girls, with unkempt hair and uncleanly physiognomy, he will be inducted into sitting-rooms where the Venetian blinds are kept scrupulously closed, for the page: 18-19[View Page 18-19]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 18-19 18 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF double purpose of excluding flies and preventing a too close scrutiny of the upholstery. He will have interviews with landladies of various appearance, ages and character- istics-landladies dubious and dingy, landladies severe and suspicious (inflexible as to '" references or payments in ad- vance"), landladies calm and confiding, landladies chatty and conciliatory-the majority being widows. He will survey innumerable rooms-generally under that pecu- liarly cheerful aspect attendant on unmade beds and un- emptied washing-basins-and, if of sanatory principles, examine the construction of windows in order to ascer- tain whether they be asphyxiative or movable. He will find occasion to admire how apartments may be indiffer- ently ventilated by half-windows, and attics constructed so that standing erect within them is-only practicable in one spot. How a three-feet-by-sixteen inches strip of thread- bare carpet, a twelve-and-a-half-cents-Chatham-square mir- ror, and a disjointed chair may, in the lively imagination of Boarding-House proprietresses, be considered furniture. How double, triple, and even quintuple beds in single rooms, and closets into which he only succeeds in effect- NERW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 19 ing entrance by dint of violent compression between the "cot" and wall, are esteemed highly eligible accommoda- tions for single gentlemen. How partitions (of a purely nominal character)' may in no wise prevent the occupants of adjoining rooms from holding conversations one with the other, becoming cognizant of neighboring snores, or turnings in bed. He will observe that lavatory arrange- i ii ments are mostly of an imperfect description, generally A comprising a frail and rickety washing-stand--which has apparently existed for ages in a Niagara of soap-suds, a ewer and basin of limited capacity, and a cottony, web- like towel, about as well calculated for its purpose as a similar-sized sheet of blotting paper would be. In rooms which have not recently submitted to the purifying brush of the white-washer, he will notice the mortal remains of. mosquitoes (not to mention more odoriferous and objec- tionable insects) ornamenting ceilings and walls, where they have encountered Destiny in the shape of the slip- pers or boot-soles of former occupants. All this and much ' -' page: 20-21[View Page 20-21]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 20-21 20 NETW YORK BO ARDING-HOUS ES. more will be revealed to the' individual in search of a cheap Boarding-House. We have foreshadowed the extremes of our subject, or as nearly so as we propose to touch upon. For, though it affords such ample 'scope as to include the most magnifi- cent of our palace hotels--which are but Boarding-Houses, temporary or permanent-equally with the squalid tene- ments of the Five Points and Cow Bay, yet there are heights to which we shall not care to soar, depths to which we will not descend:. We intend to be neither sta- tistical nor subterranean. Nor, unattractive as our sketch of the characteristics oft cheap Boarding-Houses appears, are we unconscious of the existence of Establishments where moderate prices may procure a fair average amount of comfort and cleanliness. Such will find honorable mention in our Physiology. But as in life they are infrequent, a proportionately small space will be here accorded to them. CHAPTER III. OF BOARDING WITH A PRIVATE FAUJILY. VERY often,. when circumstances com pel an individualto find eating, drink- gaommodation ' among strangers, he compromises the Boarding - House question by secur- ing lodgings with a private family. Probably he enter- tains a wholesome distrust of the Es- tablishments to which our book is devoted, perhaps hopes for a nearer approach to domestic felicity for eschewing them. If prudent, however, he will religiously avoid such tenements as put forth advertisements offering "all the comforts of a&home" at low, or indeed any prices. For, as few persons receive boarders from inclination, it logically follows that the resources of those who are unable to cater for more than one must be very limited, and it is more than probable that tfhey are simply cannibals, desirous of / - page: 22-23[View Page 22-23]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 22-23 22 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF securing somebody to feed tcpon. You may in such houses find yourself a dish for an entire family; served up regularly at breakfast, dinner, and supper, and also fleeced to supply clothing for a brood of juvenile ogres. Domes- tic economy of this kind can be as easily imagined as de- scribed, and for this reason, as well as to shun the charge of invidiousness in selection, we shall not go into detail about it. We prefer, rather, a household of better qual- ity-of which you have some preceding knowledge, and where you consent to become c" one of the family." Your landlord Brown-we choose that name as com- paratively clear of libellous application-has, then, a wife and small family of three--we will not take unfair advantage by supposing more. Perhaps business relations and mutual convenience have induced you to become his boarder. Mrs. B. is a prettyish woman, amiable, and well- meaning; her children; a boy, a girl, and a baby. You possess that repugnance to and dread of all infants of tender years natural to unmarried men--except very mildly-developed ones, who, we verily believe, do succeed in getting up a timid sort of interest in them-but, apart from this, anticipate a reasonable amount of comfort in your -new quarters, and, for a short time, are not disap- pointed. Mrs. B. is anxious to please and be pleased, her husband, a good-humored, every-day-kin d-of-man, and you popular with both. But, presently, certain disadvantages incidental to your position begin to disclose themselves. Being treated " exactly as one of the family," it is tac- itly expected that you will let pass, without comment or objection, whatever may conflict with your own tastes and inclinations. Mrs. B.'s cookery is not worse than that of the majority of young wives married from Boarding- Itouses--which is to say she knows nothing at all about it-and the Celt conducts herself according to her natural me .. X*' /^ vAJ lu N i Jru USES. 23 ignorance and proclivity to dirt-you must ' take things as they are," and make the best of them. Little irregu- larities as to meal hours-always common where there is a baby who is apt to intimate his particular wants in a not- to-be-choked-off manner-family make-shifts and expedi- ents, you can not suppose will be dropped or amended in consequence of your presence. Brown is used to them; you must become so. When breakfast is delayed for half an hour-you fid- geting all the time with thoughts of the store, work- shop, or office-you can't be brutal enough to complain 1 when you learn that " poor Mrs. B. didn't get a wink of sleep all night, the child cried so," nor would you be guilty of the discourtesy of commencing the meal in her absence. If you come down later than usual, and find reserved for you a mug-full of coffee, black, bitter as aloes, and boiling on the stove, a fragment of overcooked steak adhering to its plate through the medium of con- gealed grease, a patch of liquefying butter peppered with flies, and a sodden biscuit--why "you can't expect the things to be about all day." Eat your breakfast in silence, and show your appreciation of "the comforts of a home"' by not. disturbing Bridget, who 's " washing up." Mrs.; B., too, and her husband, have-the occasional tiffs and differences natural to the married state on unimport- ant questions, at table or elsewhere, when they appeal to your judgment. You are gallant and side with the wife, upon which Brown thinks you a humbug, and hints as much. Venture on the opposite line of conduct, with ever so guarded a proviso, Mrs. B. is " disappointed in you, as she thouoht' you, had a better opinion of the ladies.'"So you hold your tongue, are considered sulky, and the boy and girl told not to go near you. These innocents, also, are scarcely a source of unmixed page: 24-25[View Page 24-25]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 24-25 24 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF gratification to yourself and those about them. For the boy surreptitiously borrows your knife, breaks the smaller blade short off in endeavoring to whittle out a boat, and cuts his fingers severely-in consequence of which you get into disgrace with his mother. And the girl ad. dresses you by an abbreviation of your Christian name- having heard her father do so--favors you with "sharp" answers, and announces the calls of your friends in a shrill yell up the staircase. You incline toward both dar- lings at first, but finding their affection become so rampant as scarcely to leave you a quiet Imoment, and the small coins at first received as a favor, soon clamorously de- manded as a right, you endeavor gradually to break off- -upon which they turn spiteful, and persuade Mrs. B. that you are an undeveloped Herod. She would like to know what the " poor children" have done to displease you. Nor is this all. The Browns, are sociable people, and give little parties. Mrs. B. has unmarried sisters, aind young. lady acquaintances. You enjoy yourself very much, and do not object "'tho see the girls home," even though the distance be considerable. Perhaps exhilarated by their pleasant society, and wilfully unmiindful of the fact that there is another young lady whvllo claims the monopoly of such attentions, you propose stepping into Taylor's for an ice-cream or so. She hears of it, be sure, and you are tartly informed that if yotz go out for walks with Miss .--s, s, she shall retaliate in company with Mr. Smith. (Smith is your rival, and you have a suspicion that his whiskers are more distingzce-looking than yours.) Or, on rainy nights, the young ladies accept their brother-in-law's proffered hospitality; when, in conse- quence of limited accommodation, you give up your room to them, and sleep on the sofa. Bachelors' apartments are not proverbially tidy, and it is just possible that you NEW YORK BO'ARDING-HOItSES 25 have left certain unsealed letters, from her, in drawers, or the pockets of' the old coat which serves, you for a dress. ing gown. Of course you wouldn't for the world suspect the young ladies of reading them. Yet' you thinkl of Madame Bluebeard in the story, and are haunted with a lively recollection of particular passages in the said letters, wherein the Misses s' personal appearance and de- meaner are commented very severely upon, and such epithets as "forward minxes,' "bold-faced hussies," ap- plied to them. These reflections, combined with the hardness of the sofa, are quite sufficient to keep you in a vivacious state of unrest till the morning, when you make your toilet in the back kitchen among dirty plates, house- hold utensils, and irruptions from Bridget. And, innocent as "the girls" look when you bid them good-morning, you could swear they have counted the number of your dickeys, and know that your socks are awfully in need of darning. ' BrowNn, too, has his friends who sometimes stop all night, and, of course, share. yor bed. Perhaps they get to sleep first, and snore. Perhaps they never can do either, in a strange couch, and so lie tumbling, tossing, and kicking, till you become equally incapable of repose. W e have had bed-fellows who couldn't partake of " the balmy, unless in strange positions, such as on their backs, ,with their knees making a pyramid of the bed-clothes. We have also known them to moan all night like broken- hearted ring-doves.* *On such occasions-and indeed on others, such as snoring, snort- in g, grunting, etc.--we have found whistling an efficacious check. It probably disturbs the unconscious serenaders into abandoning their in- l voluntary accompaniment. We, therefore, advise suffering wives, when their lords commence nasal melody, to sit up in bed and whistle like so many insane key-holes. Of course the counsel is unnecessary to husbands-ladies never snore. i , 1 page: 26-27[View Page 26-27]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 26-27 26 THElil PHYSIOLOGY OF ? .I Mrs. B. returns her sisters' visits, and occasionally stays a day or two with her mother. (Nobody could be hard- hearted enough to wish to keep her always at home.) During such absences, Brown and yourself are turned -over to the tender mercies of Bridget, who don't make the beds till the evening. Perhaps, by special order, she institutes a general clean up. In which case, on return- ing home, you find the floor of your apartment damp from a recent inundation, your hat in the shover-bath, your boots hung near the ceiling, your pipes, hair-brush, and tobacco-jar jumbled :among your shirt-collars, and the rest of your property carefully put away in equally appropriate localities. You may, however, discover this in progress, and ha;ve the gratification of carrying the fur- niture from the passage into your room. Of Bridget's cookery we shall say nothing, having already intimated that she is an Irishwoman, and therefore but one degree above the Hottentot zero of the culinary thermometer. You are also liable to the performance of the part of cavalier to Mrs. B., in accompanying her to theaters, fetchincg her home from balls, etc., when Brown-it's just NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 27 like him--won't. This, of itself, would be no great hard- ship, but there 's ' your" young lady who wonders married women (with an emphasis on the adjective) " are not really ashamed of themselves" to be seen at such places with gentlemen, and "hopes their husbands' eyes will ! soon be opened." Your refusal, though vailed under never so ingenious a pretext, is perceived and re- sented by Mrs. B., perhaps by her husband. Or, on the - other hand, you-having no tendresse elsewhere-accord I these attentions so readily as to excite his jealousy. Be- tween these two stools you will need to be a dextrous moral acrobat not to come to the ground. We remember an in- stance in which a husband's feel- ings were so wrought upon by the fact of a boarder's esquiring his wife - from a party--which he himself had expressly declined doing--that they instigated him to taking his revenge on the hat of the of- fender. He was dis- covered, subsequent to their return, kicking it about the passage in a most vindictive man- ner. Now and then you may be weak enough to suffer your- self to be inveigled into assisting at Mrs. B's. Saturday evening marketings-the inducement, "chopsing some- thing you like" for Sunday's dinner; the result-carry- ing the basket. Indeed, if you are of easy nature, there's no knowing what may be required of you. White-wash- ing, putting up beds, conveying orders to trades-people, acting as proxy in disputing their " little bills"-and occa- page: 28-29[View Page 28-29]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 28-29 28 TH-E PHYSIOLOGY OF' sionally advancing the money to pay them--hearing the children's lessons, keeping the garden in order-for all these tasks, and many more, you are available. If a May- day moving be in contemplation, you 'd better, at the out- set, dispatch a doctor's certificate of sickness to your em- ployers, for you 'll have to come to it, finally, after losing a day and a half: Should your coat or pants suffer in any of these operations, Mrs. B. meets your application for repairs with a laugh, calls you an "old bachelor," and commends you to Bridget, who, in her turn, thinks you 're "betther able to atthind to such matthers yerrself thin she is." When Brown wants to smoke, he naturally uses your cigars and apartment, hence you are suspected of inocu- lating him with low tastes, and seducing him from the ibosom of his family. Unmistakable hints are thrown out as to the necessity of taking down the window cur- tains and having them washed, " to get the smell out," and I { "poor dear baby's cough" is attributed to " that horrid tobacco." Baby, indeed, becomes a very formidable per- sonage. If not on good terms with the mother, you can II NEW YORK BOARDING-HO'USES. 29 not raise your voice above a whisper, sneeze, laugh, cough, whistle, sing, open or shut the door, without disturbing it. Terrible to reflect upon are those evenings oin which Mrs. B. goes out, 'leaving baby to the care of Bridget. Perhaps she takes her keys with her, when you and Brown sup on crackers, cheese, and beer (fetched and paid for, by yourself, from the corner gro- cery.) He does n't remain in-doors, but you must, having to write a letter, during the composition of which baby wails incessantly. On the infantile clamor reaching a crisis suggestive of blackness in the face, protruded eyes, and generally, con- vulsive appearance, you descend, and discover Bridget endeavoring to quiet her charge by filling its tiny mouth with lumps of pork fat. Half an hour subsequently you start, on your own responsibility, to fetch Mrs. B. home. About the time, too, that you have become so misanthropic on the subject of babies as to strongly recommend Godfrey's Cordial, and other opiates--in the hope of fatal results- ' you are requested to act as god-father. To detail all the minutiaB of annoyances ordinarily in- eluded in Boarding with a Private Family, would far tran- scend our limits. Another incident-warranted genuine- and we have done. We knew a lodger, who, coming home one night keyless, and finding the street-door locked, ef- fcted an entrance-being a bit of a gymnast-into his bed- room by means of the balcony and window. Next morn- ing, when the servant was stirring about the house, he called to her, bidding her take the key from the top of the door (where it was generally deposited to be out of the way of the dear children) and release him. She, page: 30-31[View Page 30-31]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 30-31 30 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. startled at such an inscrutable occurrence, set up an appal- ling howl, rushed up stairs into the apartment of her master and mistress, and frightened the baby into a fit. In con- sequence, our friend's Brown told him at breakfast-time that this was a course of conduct he really could n't think of putting up with, and perhaps he had better find accom- modations elsewhere! Incontinently he did so. The Boardel in a Private Family usually quits it on gen- eral grounds of discontent and incompatibility of temper. He has, in fact, been so much " one of the family," that he has lost claim to his own individuality. His entertainers' presumed property in him can only be repudiated by flight, and that social hegira takes place accordingly. CHAPTER IV. THE CHEAP BOARDING-HOUSE ON A LARGE SCALE. A PRIVATE Boarding- Houses, in which limited num- bers of persons are accommodated, will rate in a work of this kind; and to them our prefatory re- marks on the impos- sibility of classifica tion, are especially applicable. Like their proprietors and occupants'they are of all stations, and comprise every variety of social characteristic. We shall present such samples as have the greatest diversity, fand afford scope for displaying our subject in its strongest lights. Having emancipated our imaginary Boarder from the "Private Family," we at once turn him loose into the metropolitan world, nor shall we cramp our sphere of action by following individual adventures. Yet we will allow his choice to guide ours in the selection of the first Establishment claiming notice. Probably, disgusted with his recent experience, he will rush to the opposite extreme, page: 32-33[View Page 32-33]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 32-33 32 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP and become an inmate of the cheap Boarding-House on a large scale. It comprises two tenements which have been stately mansions in their day, but, like the neighborhood, have gone down in the world. Its mistress-who can recollect when there was a bridge at Canal-street, and little else beside fields north of it; when New York had but one omnibus, which used to call at the residences of citizens for "fares;" with much more, sounding strange and half- fabulous to the ears of the present generation-will tell you of the old Knickerbocker families resident there in the presidency of Jefferson, and how, on ball-nights, rows of carriages stood along the triangular patch of inclosed vegetation (which the aborigines of the locality insanely denominate a Park) fronting the houses. But that's fifty years ago; respectability has followed fashion up town, and the two old mansions are humiliated to the condition of a cheap Boarding-House. Their spacious rooms have been divided and subdivided 'i!t into so many apartments, that the place resembles a peni- , teltiary, a hive, or barrack. Some contain an extra number of beds, and the minor chambers are unusually small, even for a Boarding-House. Ours-we have inti- !1 mated that we intend to draw freely on personal expe- rience in our Physiology-was eight feet by six. It was just possible to open the door to sufficient width to obtain !l ingress, the bed partially blockading it, and upon this we could recline, poke the fire in the stove, and touch three sides of the room with perfect facility. Many a winter's night have we lain and watched the dull red glow of a handfull of anthracite glaring at us like the angry eye of a dwarf Cyclops, and once, while poking -vigorously for {he purpose of blinding him, we upset the stove, the pipe of which descended upon us with some violence. ' NEW YOKE BOARDING-HOUSES. 33 A conjunction of the two staircaces having been effected by breaking down the partition-wall at the second story, you were, at first, in doubt as to which house your room appertained, only' arriving at the knowledge by dint of repeatedly knocking your head against a low doorway in a dlark passage, and simultaneously tumbling down two steps, which, in time, impressed the locality of the bound- ary on your memory. Cumbrous old oaken staircases they were, too, of a fashion and solidity shaming those of the present day. Many a powdered beauty has, without question, in ante-revolutionary days, tripped down them, and many a red-coated, cocked-hatted officer of King X - George as escort. If such a couple could,-by the pale moonlight peering in at the skylight above, and stealing solemnly down on the shabby, cracked, dirty plastered' wall, revisit the scene now - ! The mistress of the establishment is a bulky English- woman of (certainly) five-and-fifty, in possession of a third husband, and the most perfectly developed snuffle we have ever encountered. A tradition has been handed down from former lodgers, that the union originated in the male party's running deeply in arrears for board, and honorably compounding the same by matrimony. He is a grave, quiet, and useful man, his wife's junior by ten or fifteen years. He does the marketing, carving, white-washing, and general repairing, and has a box of carpenter's tools in the front basement, the contents of which are in frequent use. Superficial observers fancy him the weaker vessel, but the Irish servant girls-who rather .like him, but enter- tain the reverse feeling toward their mistress--say mrs. "has got to mind," when her husband tells her. And there's an air of quiet determination about .him g which is corroborative. irs. ---'s mother (a venerable but virulent old lady of three-score who keeps her cham- 2* page: 34-35[View Page 34-35]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 34-35 34 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF ber, and makes the girls cry when they bring her meals) is known to have predicted that her daughter " will see thits one out and have another," but we own to doubts as to the correctness of her judgment. When the houses possess their full complement of boarders-which they generally do, the Establishment being about as well-managed and dieted as can be ex- pected, at the price-over fifty persons find a substitute for a home within their walls, the American element scarcely predominating over the English, Scotch, and Irish. The oldest inhabitant is an elderly Philadelphian. He has boarded there for any number of years, not with- out temporary desertions, much private growling against the authorities, and innumerable resolves of a final change of residence-always to be carried out next week. He considers New York an aggressive and presumptuous me- tropolis, every way inferior to his native city; tells you how, after the great fire of 1836, the former was only too happy to borrow money of the latter; disparages the Cro- ton by contrasting it with the Schuylkill; laments the un- healthy atmosphere of the Empire State, and defers pur- chasing clothes (however strongly in need of them) until he has occasion to visit Philadelphia. Otherwise he is a rational man, though possessing strong prejudices, the bitterest of which are directed against the memory of Sidney Smith. On Sunday morning, if breakfast is de- layed, he is apt to be wrathy, and sometimes, after twenty minutes pacing up and down the hall, has been known to dart off to an indignant meal at Sweeney's. He has become identified with the Boarding-House, will probably termi- nate his days there, and be buried in the back yard. Five or six years ago he lost a considerable sum of money, his box being broken open by some scoundrel then resident in the Establishment. On this occasion he quitted it-for NEW. YORK BOARDING-HOUSES'. 35 ::'i8 a whole month. But, like the dove to the ark, he- came back again, and, to use the strong expression of a cockney boarder at that time, we don't think that the combined / forced of several strong men, a steam-engine, a bull- / fdog, could keep him away. Ad: In feats of in-doors pedestrianism (to which he is prone on the evenings of the working-day week, as on Sunday Add:?2 mornings), he is often accompanied by a long, gaunt, whitish dog, whose hair comes off when you pat him, and who is so old that he dates back to the time of the land- lady's first marriage. He, too, appears part of the Estab- lishment, and inseparable from it. He is always hungry, has no objection to mustard, and zoon't be lost. For his mistress has several times commissioned small boys to abandon him in remote localities, but Solon dike his Phil- adelphia friend) invariably returns to his old home. Once, in mid-summer, the individual thus charged made him over to the city authorities for the sum of fifty cents. But on reaching the place of detention for all lawless and unmuzzled dogs, Solon was recognized, and a message - dispatched to his owners, to the effect that the senders "know'dcl the dog was set store by, and didn't they want him agin?" A walk up-town, and the expenditure of a - dollar on the part of Mr. ---, redeemed him. The old 'dog is rather a favorite of the boarders, and will follow such as have been domiciled there for any time on Sunday afternoon rambles; at other times dozing out his exist- ence in the sitting-room, lying in summer winking in the sunlight, and in winter, beside the stove. This, and the hall, seems to be his peculiar domain. He seldom ventures into the dining-room, and if so, there is an expression of conscious guilt about his physiognomy and tail, which de- notes a lively apprehension of painful consequences. This tabooed apartment is a long room at the back of page: 36-37[View Page 36-37]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 36-37 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 37 the houses, with bare white-washed walls, and a row of windows on one side, like a hospital from which the beds have been removed. In lieu of them, there are two longi- tudinal tables, surrounded by excessively high stools; and in winter, at the further end (where the landlady sits), is a stove. Hither the boarders are summoned at the hours of 7, 2 and. 6, by a large bell, the jangling dissonance of which might convert one to the Turkish opinion that those arti- cles are an invention of the devil. They troop in like a file of soldiers, each to his stool, partake of their food in silence, (mutely stoking themselves, as it were) and 'troop out again. There is little, if any, conversation. The mistress of the Establishment presides, assisted by her husband and servants, and " gets through" matters very expeditiously. As already intimated, the meals are of in- differently-good quality. We have known the beef of tougher consistency and more veiny construction than was desirable, and the potatoes to exhibit as many eyes as -m - Argus; but on the whole, Ac^ the diet was endurable. Our chief objection applies all most universally to the cui- sine of Boarding-Houses. The meals were uniformly . served up "neither cold, nor hot"-a state St. John didn't approve of in Laodicean Christians. The soups; too, might have been improved by a less liberal allowance of grease and unground pepper, of which latter there always remained a deep sediment-as of small shot-in each plate. But the boarders were not more discontented than is generally, naturally, and inevitably the case in most Estab- lishments. There were comparatively few lady-boarders at--'s. We remember one who was strongly suspected of stealing clothing, etc., from the rooms of other lodgers. She gen- erally came down to meals after the usual time, and was supposed to carry off the purloined property concealed within her superfluity of crinoline. Finally, being one day tracked, as- she walked abroad, by our quiet landlord, he, upon her taking the arm of a suspicious-looking male com- panion, stepped forward and suggested that perhaps she'd . , - better not trouble herself to 'Aa come back any more. Which e:h hint she acted upon. During / .t- the excitement produced by the thefts, it was proposed to apply to a clairvoyant for the discovery of the delinquent, and a subscription got up among the boarders for that purpose. The result was hardly satisfactory, for though the gifted seer described most minutely not only the pawn-broker's shop, but the very shelf whereon the stolen property was deposited, yet unfortunately, the particulars applied equally well to some half-hundred shelves and establishments, and the few uncles" applied to refusing to allow their stores to be overhauled-in one case threatening to "pound" the appli- cant-the guilty person was not thereby detected. The sitting-room of our Boarding-House is a large, dull back-parlor, partially lighted by two long windows, which command a cheerful prospect of the exterior of the dining- room, a number of decayed barrels, and a sloppy, dirty passage-like yard, at the extremity of which is a deformed. tree. Here (in the sitting-room), on winter evenings, the boarders congregate, to anathematize the stove when ill- tended, to spit-upon it when red hot. The furniture com- prises some chairs, many stools, a print of a stage coach which is yellow with age, and a spectral old sofa. To sit I I page: 38-39[View Page 38-39]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 38-39 sIr' :,8 ' THE PHYSIOLOGY OF down upon the latter article is a disconcerting transac- tion; for though the horse-. hair covering retains its fully plumped appearance, the springs and stuffing i have, been removed, and : no sooner do you deposit yourself thereon, than an un- looked-for descent of at least six inches is the result. It is especially startling to fat old gentlemen.. Smoking being forbidden here (in deference to an an- i cient carpet, the pattern of which has long ago faded into invisibility), a small apartment like the interior of a deal- I box, and formed by annexing a bit of the dining-room, is devoted to the lovers of the "flagrant weed." We re- member decorating its sides with fancy sketches and portraits of the more prominent boarders, which pro- ceeding developed another characteristic on the part of the landlord. He came out with savagely ironical, but ungrammatically-written notices, the venom of which ap- ! peared to consist in the frequent repetition of the words "some people," and wafered them up on the inner side E of the street door. 0 On certain days the strip of yard is transformed into a grove of wet linen, for washing is done at this Establish- : ment. The Irish girls who perform this (and every,other) species of labor, have their separate back-kitchen, which wi is dark, subterranean and cock-roachy, and whlere our landlady's snuffle is often raised in anger. Sometimes her husband acts as mediator, as also, when boarders get a little in arrear. Mrs. --, by-the-by, has an awful way of coming "down upon" defaulters. As the luckless debtor took his seat at the breakfast table, he would, in the midst of a dead silence, receive an ominously nasal in- NEW. YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 39 timation that she wanted to speak with him before he went out. We have seen her glide, like an avenging Fury, after a victim. There was always a battle-royal in the hall sub- sequently. We shall not readily forget her fury at being denominated a '"Billingsgate" on one of these occasions. It were unreasonable, however, to blame her for having a sharp eye to the main chance. Boarding-House keepers, in general, fully earn their gains, and many lodgers require looking after. Meantime our present Establishment is a thriving one, and it is whispered that our landlady and her husband have had conferences on the question of re- tiring to the country. In which case what is to become of our Philadelphian? page: 40-41[View Page 40-41]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 40-41 CHAPTER V. THE FASHONABLE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE YOU DONT GET ENOUGH TO EAT. i ha v is a stylish mansion of free stone, in a patrician neigh- borhood, not far from the pleasant vicinity of Wash- ington-square. Its interior decorations are of that pe- culiar French-New -York order which displays more of gilding than good taste, and more of plate-glass than either; its furniture is showy but fragile, and its domestic conveniences include, of course, "all the modern improvements." Macdame, the proprietress-she prefers being addressed by that title (and if you can do it with outre French ac- cent so much the better)-has been a handsome woman in her day, and unwilling to relinquish pretensions to the character, now resorts to art to sustain it. She never ad- vertises for boarders, considering it low, and relying en- tirely on her private connection. You are received, if an applicant, much after a fashion described in our second? chapter, being, however, ushered into the sitting-room by a colored boy, (than whom no "hand" on a slave planta- NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 41 tion could be more arbitrarily drilled), and his mistress generally appears in a robe-de-chambre, with a blase look, and artificial flowers in her hair. She is particular in her inquiries as to your position, profession, and references. It always happens that there is but one room vacant-in consequence (as she incidentally informs you) of its recent occupant leaving for a tour in Europe. And in all proba- bility her daughters will chance to drop in in the course of the interview, when you are accorded the favor of an immediate introduction. They are two dashing, showy girls, rather good-looking, and very brightly dressed-a little more so than is consistent with morning costume. Your reception is a gracious one, but the ladies presently diverge into a side conversation, evolving an awful famili- arity with Knickerbocker names. It inevitably occurs that they have just returned from one of Mrs. --- s " candle receptions" on the Fifth Avenue--which fact, on a six months' repetition, is suggestive of a most melancholy state of health on the part of the lady, and a sad look-out on that of her husband. On expressing your intention of becoming an inmate of the Establishment-which Madame listens to with an air indicative of hope that you will prove worthy of the privilege-you learn that it has an especial boot-black, with whom you 're expected to make a private arrangement; and are mildly, but firmly, requested not to bring your baggage in a cart. , If you 're a very young man, you congratulate yourself on the prospect-perhaps indulge in a few roseate visions in which those brilliant young ladies especially figure-. and move in accordingly. And, certainly, you will have no cause for complaint on the score of lack of courtesy or assumption of aristocratic exclusiveness. That pervades every thing. The arrangements are as elegant as a dish of trifle or blanc mange-and as unsatisfactory. page: 42-43[View Page 42-43]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 42-43 li i42 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF Your chamber--in which you are requested "not to wash wide," to smoke, or to rub matches against the walls-is very neat and cleanly, and pretty well furnished, - but the three chairs are of such brittle construction that you would as soon think of sitting upon them as upon spun- glass, and instinctively speculate as to what you 'll have to pay for breakage. But had you as many hands as Briareus, and wanted to wash them every half hour, you could n't be better supplied with towels. There are also dainty little bits of crochet-work under the soap dish, and tumblers, and a big china slop-jar--we don't know the French equivalent, or wouldn't horrify the reader -by using such a vulgar word. The bed is small and snow- white-like a snow-drift on a child's grave. In winter it has fewer blankets on than is desirable. You are not rung to meals by a bell, as in vulgar Boarding-Houses. The colored boy taps at your door at 9 A M., and deferentially informs you that breakfast is ready. On descending, you find the gentlemen boarders in dressing-gowns with ropes like bell-pulls, and the ladies in elegant robes-de-chambre, with artful contriv- ances of lace about their heads and busts. Severally, they accord you a gracious good-morning as you glide to the seat which Mtcladamnes gesture indicates, remove your napkin from its ring and spread it over your, knees in preparation. The ladies are very lively and chatty, espe- cially the younger one-so much so, indeed, that a cynic might suspect the existence of a design to keep the boarders' jaws otherwise employed than on the breakfast, which is light, tasty, and'unsubstantial. There are very small mutton-chops, pates, nick-nacks, and French bread w and coffee-made also a la Franpaise. Each dish is ex- tinguished under a gorgeous cover of German silver, with which material the table is generally resplendent. You NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 43 : can read the papers, if you like, during the progress of the meal, and that without being thought ill-bred. Madame is a subscriber to, the Courier and Enquirer, the Herald, Times, and tEome Joournal, the two last being thefavor- ites of the ladies. The fHerald is generally depreciated by them, but can not be dispensed with on account of its winter reports of upper-ten balls and summer correspond- ence from watering-places; their knowledge of the fash- ionable world enabling them to explain the initials, and fill up the dashes by which the names of its inhabitants are half-chronicled. Madame also reads the Churchman -"as a matter of duty. She is strictly orthodox, and a regular attendant at Grace Church. Lunch, consisting of pie, delicate shavings of cold meat, and coffee, is served at 1 P M., and dinner at 6. This meal invariably comprises five courses, commending with thin, whity-brown soup, and concluding with dessert', of which water-melons form the staple in summer, and firsted apples in winter. The ladies now appear in very full-dress, and are fragrant with eau de Cologne, frangi- panni, jockey-club, or otto of roses; while the more magnificently got-up gentlemen sport lace shirt-fronts and wristlets, resembling the ornamental paper one sees on French plum-boxes. As at breakfast, the meal is seasoned by much animated conversation, the ladies doing their full share. All carving is performed at a side-table by a darkey of butler-like aspect, who produces remarkably small, thin slices, which are conveyed to your left side by the colored boy. If you are at all absent-minded, or not specially intent upon your plate, it (with the contents) is very apt to be whisked away by the last-mentioned youth, in obedience to strict, but privately-isstd, instructions. And, considering the fascinations of the young ladies, page: 44-45[View Page 44-45]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 44-45 i!l, 44 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF there is great risk of this. We have seen no less than three successive plates reft from a hungry boarder, who lacked moral courage to remonstrate. He went out sub- sequently and had a porter-house steak at a Broadway restaurant. Entrees, side-dishes, and French cookery in general, preponderate over joints, but there are plenty of artifi- cial flowers and iced-water. The pastry is of the lightest consistency and most delicate construction, and you are helped to bits shaped like an attenuated triangle. A cup ,or two of green, -and very weak tea, served in the adcljoin- ing parlor, after the lapse of half an hour, concludes the repast. The boa rders, like the Establishment, are eminently genteel. At the time of our sojourn they were very much as follows: Two superannuated bank clerks, a stock-broker, three or four Cubans, an old major who had been in the Canadian army, a fast young Southerner from Stouth Carolina, a London architect, and a crockery and China merchant from Canal-street. This last was an ob- liging individual, very much alive to the inferiority of his social position and the privilege of being admitted to such aristocratic society. He received the rallyings of the young ladies and their playful allusions to "the shop" NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 45 with much humility and good-humor, and we suspect him of secretly admiring one of them. Madame made him useful in many ways. When it became desirable to snub any boarder; he (the crockery merchant) was put into the position of the offender, after the flogging boy system once pursued in the education of young princes, by which they took their flagellations by deputy. As witness the following instance. The Cubans would smoke in their chambers, disregarding the injunction that confined that indulgence to a balcony in the rear of the dining-room. ,So Mr. --, to whom the slightest whiff of tobacco was productive of great intestinal discommotion, was severely cautioned " not to do that again," and informed that if he must have his horrid cigars, he 'd better smoke 'em at the store, clown town. Each of the young. ladies has her part, and admirably : does she play up to it. The elder, who is o;ne-and-twenty, affects the sentimental and literary, occasionally flavoring it by a dash of piety. She admires Longfellow, Holmcs, and Tupper, and looks upon Willis as a fallen angel. The younger (who is about eight- een) aspires 'to theWall aaLester of(which amiable weakness, by-the-by, is not uncom- young lady, ies).is She aims, too, at smaartic- ing, thinks sleighing "first-rate iun and -- adores Mr. Wallack Lester (which amiable weakness, by-the-by, is not uncom- mon with up-town young ladies). She aims, too, at smart- ness in conversation, and brilliancy of repartee, principally at the expense of weak-minded or unguarded persons, for . page: 46-47[View Page 46-47]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 46-47 ,I, 46 THE PH'YSIOLOGY. OF whom she sets little pit-falls-as thus. You hear her as- sert strong distaste for some book, tune, fashion, etc.- being the very reverse of former professions. You inno- cently express surprise, commencing with the fatal words, "I thought-," When Miss -- immediately breaks in upon the sentence, exclaiming, with great vivacity, " O, Mr. --, it don't do always to trust one's thoughts! I thought, at first, you were very clever and amusing-- and you 're not!" Upon which you are supposed to be crushed for the rest of the evening. This ladys fascina- tions are brought to bear on the younger of the bachelor boarders, and two of the Cubans are desperately in love with her. Her sister devotes herself to the seniors, and we incline to the supposition that she will, in the long run-after she has Bufficiently humiliated him--marry the - crockery merchant. Both the young ladies and their mother come out in great force in the evenings. She does not pretend to music, but they both play and sing, after due solicitation. Conversation turns mostly on the newest novel, fashion, or marriage, and THE OPERA. There is also another topic- next door. Madame has a standing feud with one of her neighbors, who attempts to depreciate her as 'the keeper of a Boarding-House. She will "reckon up" their origin for you with dreadful exactness,- and designates them as low, stuck-up people. With respect to her position in life, she feelingly hints that undeserved misfortunes have reduced her to it, and says that but for the dear girls she should net have thought of surviving the death of her husband. The reader will have noticed that in our enumeration of the various boarders no ladies appear. Madanze always avoids admitting such, unless old. This, we think, will be found to be invariably the case in allEstablishments where there are unmarried daughters, and for double reasons. NEW YORK BOARDING-H OUSES. 47 In the first place, it is desirable to avoid risk of counter Eattractions, in the second place, ladies are apt to observe each other too much and too closely. The many little dodges which to the thick sight of man are invisible, lie quite open to the quick eye of woman. Yet we do recollect a lady-boarder, too. But she was old, rich, and had a son, whom the younger daughter did especially favor. He, a mild youth, addicted to playing on the flute, used to collect the rents of various tenement houses, owned by his mother (and sometimes came home with black-eyes in consequence). This lady and her son, may, with' one of the elderly stock-brokers, have claimed this title of Pet-Boarders. (We shall have much to say of the species hereafter.) He was a fussy old boy of sixty, accustomed to diluting the editorials of the Courier and. Enquirer and delivering them in an oracular manner as his opinions over the dinner-table. His linen was very par- ticularly cared for, and the young ladies marked his shirts and pocket handkerchiefs with their own fair hands. During the summer season, the blin?' " the front of the house are kept scrupulously closed, -l every thing done to give it an " out of town", look. If the ladies stir abroad it is at early morning, or late at night, and then so limp in figure, and disguised in aspect that you would t scarcely recognize them. But, for the most part, they con- fine themselves to back rooms, 2Madame even discarding the basement, which is her place of business, where trades- people wait upon her, have their bills severely scrutinized, and occasionally are brought up sharp about overcharges. The boarders' payments are monthly. You find a small billet in a delicate envelope, directed in an angular Italian hand, stuck in the looking-glass, and containing your bill --always on the morning before it is due. And, if a week elapse without payment, you discover a remarkable-change page: 48-49[View Page 48-49]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 48-49 r 48 NEW YORK BOARDING-H'OUSES in the demeanor of the young ladies toward you. They will become quite cool, absolutely Arctic. Jladame is not accustomed to admitting arrears. She tells the crock- ery merchant that she never has boarders who don't pay punctually. If you would develop her displeasure still further, only spill a cup of coffee on the clean table- cloth. A ball celebrates each anniversary of the opening of her Establishment, when there is a great display of dancing, lemonade, candies, bon-bons, ginger-wine, and artificial flowers. Most of the ladies invited are ugly, and s" dear friends" of her daughters. ' They are recommended to you with charming cordiality, as most excellent, intellectual girls. (And, by the way, we never knew an ugly woman who wasn't excellent, or intellectual.) On these occasions the arbiter of fashion,' the janitor of upper tendom, the isexton of Grace Church--in a word, the great BIOWN is in -the ascendant. He is a friend of Iadame's. And thus, in her glory, we leave her. CHAPTER VI. THE DIETY PBOARDING-HOSE. WERE we simply guided by our own inclinations, it is more than prob- which able that we should blink. the responsibil- body can touch pitch without being defiled. But in our capacity of pen-and-ink photographist, we can not afford to ignore the existence of the Dirty Boarding-House. Our book would be incomplete without it. Having no choice, then, but to proceed, we do so-premising that the reader shall not be detained longer than is neces- sary within the uncleanly Establishment we select as an extreme type of a class of dwellings which are only too numerous. It is a dingy, narrow-fronted, three-story edifice, in a mean street on the east side of the town, within two doors of one of our busiest thoroughfares. Its mistress, a lady of Irish extraction, has retained, in full perfection, that lively antipathy to soap and water characteristic of her page: 50-51[View Page 50-51]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 50-51 "5i50 . THE PHY'SIOLOGY OO F nationality. Her husband is a policeman. And six or seven ubiquitous children impart the reverse of gladness to their mutual household. irs. ---'s hydrophobia is equally manifest in her per- son, children, and Establishment-the former being large, loose, oleaginous and black-worsted-stockinged; the second, unkempt, inodorous, and ragged; and the three emphatically dirty. Her hair is red, and coitfe a la horsetail. Her dress favors the spectator with glimpses of her stays. She has a generally un-tied, stringy, down- at-heel-and-go-to-becl-with-her-clothes-on aspect. No good man could look at her without a wish to put her under a pump. Which would be also his impulse with:respect to the children. Their ages range from three months to eight years, the minors being vociferous twins. Their affections are con- fined to dirt-pies, candies, dead cats, and the gutters of the vicinity. It is difficult to avoid treading on them as you mount the staircase, which is generally-if we may be allowed the expression-in a squirmy condition. The premises are of peculiar construction. A little dry-goods establishment, having no connection with them, occupies the lower story; ascent to the upper rooms being gained by the narrow and excessively dirty staircase just 'alluded to. These extend over a boot-store in the adja- cent thoroughfare, as we discovered on the first night of our sojourn in the Dirty Boarding-House. We were then inducted into a small room, very like the interior of a collapsed diving-bell. It had no particular shape, and but one window, which was hermetically fastened, and looked into a sort of shaft, covered at top by a cucumber-frame skylight for the purpose of illuminating the premises be- low. Opposite us, in an apartment of similar construction, we remarked that two of the window-panes had been re- NiEW YORK BOARD ING-HOUSES. 51 ,. 'moved-possibly for ventilation- lliithus allowing one of the occupants an opportunity of sticking his feet ill through, and going to sleep in that position. We thought of plagiar- izing the idea-it was in July-- but were doubtful as to the result. Our neighbors-two rough, good-humored laboring- men, sometimes played the banjo, and sometimes fought in bed. They also sent the landlady's eldest son out for beer, and generously invited us to partake; bringing it into our chamber at midnight, in a ewer. And once they made our room-mate drunk on New England rum with tobacco in it. He was a remarkably ugly boy, the --- expression of whose countenance could only be compared; to that of a bilious codfish attempting to swallow a can- non ball. He used to make himself ill in attempting to smoke strong cigars, and, at first, manifested an inclination to become unpleasantly confidential on the subject of his "busts." He received our advice -to confine his in- dulgences to pea-nuts and the Bowery pit-with indig- nation. Heat and insect phlebotomists-after four nights' occu-n' pancy of this apartment-effected our removal to another. This was a little room over the passage, which had been white-washed no later than three years ago; and where we had the unshared privilege of feeding myriads of creeping carnivori. We never saw "Red Rovers" in such profusion or of equal ferocity. They would have reduced a Daniel Lambert to an anatomical preparation in the course of one summer. We soon learnt why the old English poets made the devil lord of insects. "Ne'er a king's son in Christendom could be better bitten.": We were spotted all over like a leopard, and had to go to sleep, page: 52-53[View Page 52-53]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 52-53 titi lf Z 52 "THE PHYSIOLOGY OF with a lamp and matches by our bed-side; waking up, regularly, to half hourly battues-or, rather, to explosive and inodorous cremations. Of the size of these vampires our readers may form some idea by the fact that there was an awful legend current among the boarders, that the crystal of a watch had been broken by an elderly bed-bug tumbling upon it! If the speculative question propounded by Lowell's Parson 0lbur--whether Noah was justified in preserv- ing this portion of the animal tribe-had been submitted to the inmates of the Dirty Boarding-House, we are con- fident that a most emphatic negative would have been rendered! The opinion of the learned Italian Jesuit Giulio Cordara (so complimentary to Providence)-that insects did n't exist in Paradise, but were created subse- quent, to the fall, for the especial annoyance of mankind- might have been received with favor. Bed-making was performed at any hour from 3 to 7 P. M., by a relative of the landlady's, who also officiated as cook and general attendant. One room, extending from front to rear, over the dry-goods store, served as parlor, kitchen, and dining-room. A big, white screen concealed the culinary department from general observa- tion, behind which-judging from auricular-olfactory tes- timony--was a mixed-up arrangement of pots and pans, babies, crockery, cradles, cooking-stoves, and blankets. We believe the landlady, her husband, children and ser- vant slept there. In the public half the boarders used to divert themselves by killing cock-roaches of evenings. The diet provided at the Dirty Boarding-House was plentiful, though porky-swine's flesh forming its staple. Porgies-purchased in their decadence from perambula- tory fish-vendors-sometimes varied this anti-Hebraical lIJI l-E W YORK BOARDI3NG-HOUS :ES . 53 peculiarity. The coffee tasted like diluted molasses, fla- vored with roast peas, chicory, Flanders-brick, and dirt. The hashes were tallowy, The buckwheat cakes partook equally of the characteristics of flannel and gutta-percha- and sometimes had insects (known as Croton-water bugs)- in them. But pork was the universal dish. Every body was over-porked. Boarders had rashes brought out upon them in consequence, and we remember one consulting a doctor under the impression that he had contracted varioloid. There might have been a dozen boarders. The aristo- crats of the place were a dispensary doctor (who generally fuddled himself on Monday morning, and continued in that condition until Saturday night); a dry-goods clerk from the store below; and a young man engaged in the wholesale fish-exporting business, down-town. The latter used to perfume the room with a bouquet de salt-mackerel. Another boarder aspired to the- position of Pet, and was hated by the rest because he brought home bltter of an athletic description, as an equivalent for his entertain- ment; also--it was said--cheating the landlady by alter- ing the weight-mark on the top of the firkin. In justice, however, be it remarked, that he could eat of it at table. He even professed to like it. The "peck of dirt" assigned by an unpleasant proverb to every member of the human family, as part of his inevitable aliment, might have been disposed of in a very short time at the Dirty Boarding-House. The landlady didn't waste time in washing plates, dishes, and other gastronomic uten- sils, and a sediment of a week's antiquity often collected in the bottoms of the pitchers. The knives. and forks were picturesque and various in size and pattern, the backsDof the former having been worn into a keen edge, and most of the latter owning broken, dis- page: 54-55[View Page 54-55]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 54-55 al 1 54 THE PHYSIOLOGY OPF torted prongs, and irevolving handles. Some had been re- paired with putty, which came off in use. (This applies also to the plates.) The cruets stood awry, and were destitute of stoppers (which might account for the presence of hairs and crumbs in the ketchup). It was advisable to scrape the surface of the salt before chipping a bit out for use. The table-cloth resembled a map of the United States, in consequence of the many parti-colored stains ornamenting it. We believe it was reversed-once a fortnight. The like stoical indifference, amounmting almost to sub- limity, to what ordinary mortals affect to consider the de- cencies of daily life, exhibited itself in other particulars. In bed-making, one sheet only was changed at a time, and many of the blankets had large gaps in what ought to have been their centers-admirably adapting them to summer use. We, incline to the belief that the towels (originally constructed from ancient coffee-bags) were washed but once a year, though the ingenious expedient of shifting them from room to room slightly disguised this fact, or invested it with the charm of novelty. So seldom was broom or brush used in our apartment, that on our shedding a shirt-button, it lay undisturbed beside the washing-stand until rendered invisible by the fine coat- ing of dust which successive weeks deposited upon it. And this, too, in spite of the servant's passion for keeping windows closed. She and her mistress had as great an aversion to fresh air as to water. There was always an atmosphere of the night before last in the dining-room. The landlord-a man with a face like a dyspeptic bull- dog--we saw very little of. He used to come home at all hours of the day and night, and generally went imme- diately to bed (behind the screen), though sometimes he might be observed lingering about .the entry, or a low groggery at the corner of the block. On these occa- 3SNEW YORK BOA RDIN*G-IIOUSES. 55 sions he was often accompanied by an individual possess- ing the most unmistakably rascally face we had ever looked upon. Let our readers picture to themselves a hybrid between an ourang-outang and a hyena, and it will i give them some idea of his countenance. Subsequently we learned that the fellow was a Tombs lawyer, which, in a manner, justified his physiognomy. Boarders were expected to pay up promptly in the Dirty Establishment. We remember a row occurring at breakfast, on the occasion of a defaulter taking his seat before settling for the past week. After much verbal profanity on both sides, the policeman attempted to eject his lodger, seizing him by the hair of his head for that purpose. They tumbled down stairs together, and into a 'fight at the bottom. Our landlord had the worst of it, nor was he rescued from his antagonist until his wife and the servant came to his assistance. The nose of the latter young ladv sustained some injury in the conflict, and resembled a damaged tomato for three days afterward. This damsel (who was much horrified on the above occasion, by the doctor's proposition to amputate her proboscis) might have been selected as the extreme type of objectionable .Biddyness. She never took off her clothes, washed or combed herself, or went out of doors. Her intellect was not equal to the comprehension of a simple request, and repetition confused her. - You might -have sown potatoes in her brogue, it was so thick. She would have been perfectly contented on an exclusive diet of the skins of her national vegetable, and tobacco. She had but a limited idea of cause and effect. We have seen her fill a stove with big lumps of anthracite, and apply a solitary match to the bottom for the purpose of producing ignition: have known her to trim a lamp with vinegar-- #or what passed for it (diluted vitrioD in the Dirty Board- page: 56-57[View Page 56-57]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 56-57 f si[8 56 TH'?HYSIOLOGY O ing House. An unfortunate partiality for smoking often brought her within danger of extempore and involun- tary Sutteeism, as she was infrequently discove will finally efect d ie a state of slow combustion, in conse- quence of the rresence of thoroughfarea arge o ne xtinguisheds-tpipes in her pocket nights, the boarders wouldput her out, once, with the con- they borrowed a fowling-piece, whichtents of a slop-pail. (It did n't make felineer dirtier.) Also she had several nar- discontinuance of the practice row escapes from blowing -troduced by therself updwith camphene, which, we doubt not, she will finally effect. We shall read of it in the papers some day. In the ceilinyes of the room overlooking the adjoining thoroughfares, with larth e one con tain ing four beds-there was a trap-door, affording egress on to the roof. Here, on houses, with the reflection produced by agitating a look-,* NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES 57 ing-glass. A gaunt carpenter and" his wife (Spiritualists) actually invited a roomful of friends to witness this in- scrutable phenomena, when, unhappily, the secret was discovered in consequence of over-zeal on the part of the operators. No less than six mirrors, at an equal number ,of windows, were in use on that occasion. Such were the diversions, and such our experience of a Dirty Boarding-House. May the reader never have to reside in one! page: 58-59[View Page 58-59]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 58-59 CHAPTER VII. THE "HAND-TO-MOUTH1"BOARDING-HOUSB. THS Establishment -stands in one of those shabby thorough- fares which the extension of Canal-street is rapidly improv- ing off the face of New York. It istle, a framehouse, and licheery face its mistress, of forlorn and pinched-up aspect, both having seen better days. Like her, too, it has sometimes made attempts to brighten up a little, and show a cheery face to the world-and looked more dismal for the failure. Miss is a maiden lady, so palpably past the merid- ian of life, that she does not attempt to deny it. Her face is thin and withered, and two long, hay-colored curls de- pend mournfully on either side of it. Her figure is so de- void of symmetry, that, but for her countenance, you would be in doubt as to which side of her you were stand- ing. She does not dress herself tastefully. Every way she is a plain, unpicturesque old maid-just such a one as young ladies are prone to favor with valentines represent- ing witch-like harridans on broomsticks, or surrounded by iqii k NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 59 attendant familiars, in the'shapes of cats, parrots, and devils. She has kept a Boarding-House for upward of twenty jj jyears, but it has scarcely returned the compliment. For AilH twice that time her industry has failed to lift her above the dread of to-morrow. That she works hard, her bony hands attest-that she rises early, the Irish servant-girl often grumblingly avows-that the dietary and domestic arrangements are needlessly expensive, the boarders would indignantly deny-yet it is certain that Miss is al- ways a little in arrears with the world-of all creditors the most unmerciful, and the surest to take interest out of its debtors in a disagreeable manner. Her house, described in the Sun (to which entertaining journal she is a subscriber) as containing "genteel apart- ments within five minutes' walk of Broadway," comprises half-a-dozen indifferently-furnished rooms, exclusive of the parlor and kitchen. The former of these has a threadbare, but miraculously-darned carpet, a sprinkling of feeble- backed cane chairs-which are very shaky on their legs-- a faded sofa, an ancestral rocking-chair (with one of those aggravating pieces of clean crochet-work which stick to your hair or tumble off when you sit down, spread carefully over its top) and a gaunt piano, which has not been tuned since the presidency of James K. Polk. The chambers, too, are equipped in an equally poor manner, but though the sheets display so many patches as to impart a scratch- ing sensation to the spines of recumbent boarders, no Broadway dandy's shirt-fiont could be more scrupulously washed. Of course, as the Establishment is a cheap one, the quality of the meals furnished is not of the first order. Miss ---(in common with the landladies of most poor Boarding-Houses, and some well-to-do ones), does her own page: 60-61[View Page 60-61]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 60-61 it 60 THE PHYSIOLOGY COF marketing, trudging through- rain or sunshine at early morning, and returning with a heavy basket laden with such provisions as her slender purse affords. Occasionally, however, she is unable to effect this without debt; and complains bitterly (or would do so, had any one the com- plaisance to listen to her), that butchers take advantage of this, in supplying inferior meat at increased prices. Her groceries are often purchased in small quantities, just enough for each meal, previous to which the servant may be seen hurrying from the corner store, with a loaf under each arm, and various cone-shaped parcels of coffee, tea or sugar, wrapped in that coarse straw paper peculiarly de-' voted to such purposes. Sometimes Miss -- is necessi- tated to waylay you in the passage, to'solicit cash advances on your week's board, upon which the quality of your dinner will depend. It is politic, as well as good-natured, to comply, as you will thereby secure a savory dish or so, as well as the good-will of your landlady. Sooth to say, what with her landlord's regular yearly demand for higher rent and the increasing price of food, she has a hard time of it. She owes her servant money, who, consequently brow-beats and defies her, and invites muscular Irishmen into the kitchen, with scarcely a feint of the usual apologetic fiction, "Shure, it's me cousin, mum!"She is in arrears with her milkman, who abso- lutely lords it over her, and has, more than once, cut off the supply of lacteal fluid. Her coal merchant demurs about bringing a ton of Red Ash or Peach Orchard- until paid, like a subscription to a newly-started newspaper, "punctually in advance." Nor are her cares and anxieties particularly lightened by the comments of her boarders, or their general behavior to her. Not that there is-on the part of the male boarders- any especial manifestation of want of feeling and consid- NEW -YOR:K BOARDING-HOUSES, 61 eration (beyond that spirit of antagonism we shall have occasion, hereafter, to remark as frequently existing be- tween the mistresses of these Establishments and their lodgers). As is generally the case, they are more un- thinkingly than intentionally unjust. Half a dozen careless men (engaged in various employ- ments, as printers, gilders, clerks, etc.), could scarcely be expected to trouble themselves with considerations of deli- cacy on the behalf of the lonely old maid who contracted to supply their necessities of eating, drinking, and sleeping. So they grumbled occasionally at the deficiencies at table, cut jokes at their landlady's personal appearance and pre- sumed hopeless- aspirations toward matrimony, quizzed her peculiarities, and loaned or refused her money with equal brusquerie. But the demeanor of the lady-boarders deserves special mention, as illustrative of the kindness of heart sometimes exhibited by woman toward the weaker of their own sex. They were but two in number, wives of boarders. Their leisure--that is to say the whole of their time-appeared to be divided between Broadway, the novels of Mr. G. W. Reynolds, and disquisitions on the characters of such page: 62-63[View Page 62-63]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 62-63 62 THE PHYSIOLOGYi OF persons as enjoyed the felicity of their acquaintance. When they came down late to breakfast--which they in- variably did-with limp figures, hair screwed up in frag- ments of last week's Police Gazette, and similar graceful deshabille-one could n't help envying the happiness of their husbands, who sewed on their own shirt-buttons, the ladies declining such tasks, and, indeed, all needlework, on the standing plea of sickness. One had a child, a puny, weak little creature, afflicted withy water on the brain, of which it subsequently died. And many an evening, when the be-rouged, be-hool2ed, and be-fozunced mother was disporting herself at cheap public balls, did poor Miss -- take care of this child. When it died its affectionate parent said, " perhaps it was a good thing for God to take it." Probably it was. But it was not to* be expected that any such simple good offices on the part of the landlady could mollify the indignation and contempt entertained by this lady and her companion toward one who had failed in that great object of female ambition (in their eyes)-catching a hus- band. They were perpetually, persistently, and inexorably down upon her. All her shortcomings and piteous shifts to keep up appearances were dragged into light, sneered at, and tattled about. They knew the number of her dresses, and how often they had been turned and dyed. They forbade their husbands advancing loans to her, on account of board, or still more insultingly recommended it; subsequently informing every body of the obligation. They were implacable toward little delays in the appear- ance of meals, assuming a clamorous indignation at their husbands being " kept away from business"--if but for ten minutes. They evinced a preternatural facility of discovering deteriorations of diet, and sometimes suc- ceeded in setting the men grumbling. They indirectly "8 s NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUTSES. 63 accused her of appropriating small quantities of coal from their private stores to her own use. (This, by the way, is a fruitful source of squabbles in most Boarding- Houses. We have known a suspicious individual to to sit up all night in a dark cellar in order to detect purely imaginary dep- redators.) They so badgered' and worried the servants on thels question ofhavingally their af breakfasts b rought up er surmises on her manifesting to them in bedlieve thatcame fom an iss ---broth declar edell to her, and tearfen explly," It was by his sistes money. ossibh e u to et a gir I to sit up late stay with her." They invented rancorous slanderss byabou the land-ht of an lady's antecedents, an tly. Sowed them broadcast among her tradesfolks. " And, finally, they af- feeted. virtuously improper surmises on her manifesting emotion at the receipt of letters directed in a masculine hand, from California. We it to arraelieve they came fjustiom an only brother wh o ha our lonely't bspihaved v ery ell to her, and had been exported to the diggings by his sister's money. She used to cry a good deal over them, and to sit up late in the back parlor writing long answers by the light of an oil lamp, which smelt unpleasantly. Very far from us be it to arraign the average justice accorded by the world to our lonely spinster, or to her class. The term " old maid"-ordinarily affixed like a tii I page: 64-65[View Page 64-65]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 64-65 " NINEW YORK BOARDINGO-HOUSES. tin-kettle to the tail of an unoffending animal, to torment its bearer and amuse lookers-on-could scarcely be ren- dereed less ludicrous or more endurable by bur champion- ship. Yet it might be worthy of inquiry whether a too large license is not accorded to wives over their single sisters. Whether their whims, oddities, and eccentricities are not passed over very lightly, -in comparison with those of the solitary virgin whose temper is fretted into asperi- ties by the world's indifference or contempt. And, finally, whether some old maids are not as good, kindly and un- selfish creatures as any in the world. It is too generally assumed that unmarried women are so compulsorily. But whether this is the case or no, why should one sex be ridiculed for its voluntary or involun- tary choice, while the other is allowed to consult its selfish pleasure? Listen to noble Jean Paul, "It is not always our duty to marry, but is always our duty to abide by right, not to purchase happiness by the loss of honor, nor to avoid unweddedness by untruthfulness." With respect to poor Miss----, we can only hope that the brother who did n't behave very well to her may have luck at the diggings, and come back to redeem his char- acter. CHAPTER VIII. THE SERIOUS"BOARDING-HOUSE, S,'though not within what were once considered the limits of upper-tendom--being south of Bleecker-street-just on its an- cient confines. A plain house of somber color, on the shady ; side of the way in the afternoon, the door bearing its mistress' name in black letters upon a square and brightly-polished brass plate. The steps are, even in winter kept scrupulously clean, and the area-gate locked; tradesfolks being expected to ring a bell especially devoted to them. You will not, in general, hear of this Establishment through the medium of adver- tisements, neither doesthe landlady reply^to any. "She is thankful," she tells you, " that her house is mostly full." She has been known, occasionally, to insert a few lines in the Evangelist newspaper. On applying for board-which, however, unless you 're a mildly-developed young man, or under the coercion of severely religious parents, you Ire not at all likely to do- page: 66-67[View Page 66-67]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 66-67 It0 I 66 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF expect to be inducted into a grim front parlor. There, yo, will scarcely have time to observe a book-case filled with volumes of sermons and such light literature, (which is always kept locked, possibly from motives of humanity,) half a dozen strait-backed and very unaccommodating look. ing chairs, a cheerful lithograph, representing a number of savages engaged in knocking a missionary's brains out with big clubs, and badly executed portraits, in oil, of the landlady and her husband, when the former appears. Being, as aforesaid, a mildly-developed youth, you prob- ably have not read Dickens' -David Copperfeld, otherwise you would, instinctively jump at the idea that Miss Murd- stone had quarreled with her amiable brother, emigrated to New York, got married, and set up as the keeper of t Boarding-House. Mrs. --- might, we are persuaded, have played the part at Burton's, with immense success, on the strength of her countenance alone. She receives you with stony politeness, and at once sproceeds to inform you of the rules of her establishment; characterizing it as a quiet, Christian one. Cards, latch- keys, reading in bed, Sunday papers, and smoking, are prohibited. With respect to the last-mentioned luxuries, however, she grimly concedes, that she can't prevent your indulging in them in your own room-if you find pleasure in such things-but, she adds, she doesn't wish a bad ex- ample set to her young gentlemen. As to the question of latch-keys, if any unavoidable occasion necessitate your being out later than eleven, " at which hour we invariably lock the street door," Mr. -- (her husband) will sit up for you. This gentleman-we shall fancy the reader weak enough to become a boarder-is somewhat advanced in years, and has an expression of countenance such as might be sup- posed would be produced by an exclusive diet of persim- NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 67 mons. Like his wife, he is a Presbyterian--Hard-Shell de- nomination. They entertain strong views as to creed, objecting to all Chstians of other denominations, to music, dancing, books (unless serious ones) theatres, and any attempt at cheerfulness on Sunday. Theday, bytheby,is scarcely known to them by that good, old-fashioned word, the Sabbath, and "Lord's day," having usurped its place. But rigidly righteous as this may seem, their faith is en- tirely eclipsed by the virulent theology of Mrs. -'s mother, a formidable old lady, who wears a cap similar to that in which Hannah More is generally depicted. ier Christianity is of the most sulphureously blue-light order. She has the liveliest belief in what a friiend of ours once felicitously termed "the inherent d---nation of every body." Indeed, Pandemonium is so unpleasantly promi- nent in the excellent matron's creed, as to excite a sus- picion that it is to her religion (and that of those resem- bling her) what pickles are to lunch-a great zest and ,relish. The boarders-especially such as differ in faith from the family-frequently come in for the benefit of the opinions of this venerable female. In common with her daughter and son-in-law, she thas an especially pious aversion to Roman Catholicism-which she terms "Idolatry"-and to Episcopalianism. We remember her informing a lady of the latter persuasion, who had ventured on a mild en- coniule on the Church of England service for the Burial of the Dead; that it was only " a whitening of sepulchres ; and that if she looked for salvation in that quarter, she 'd be very unpleasantly undeceived, some day. In which e healthy sentiment she was abetted by another boarder, l also malignantly-orthodox, according to the Calvinistic standard. This lady had had three husbands, two of whom committed suicide, while the third ran away from page: 68-69[View Page 68-69]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 68-69 68 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 69 her. She considered the world wicked enough to deserve a much worse punishment than burning up (could it be conveniently contrived) but had, individually, a great terror of quitting it. For let but a hint be dropped of the presence of any slight epidemic in the city, she in- stantly left town. N Three times each Sunday did she, the landlady, and landlady's mother', go to church; Mr. -- sometimes accompanying them. His preparatory " grace" before dinner was longer on that day than others. If any thing detained him the boarders were expected to wait, unless one took the office upon himself. During the time of our sojourn one gentleman- was particularly available for this, being a clergyman and ex-missionary, and the landlady's especial pride, glory, and bulwark of Presbyterian respec- tability. He was a kindly-natured man, rather cramped by his creed, as is not uncommonly the case with his class. Too much is expected of them. If we persist in demanding an inhuman amount of perfection from our spiritual in- structors, it is no wonder if some become straight-laced. And this, we think, accounts for the very general and un- just accusation of hypocrisy made against clergymen. For one can't go through life, maintaining an unpleasantly per- fect altitude above fallible mortals, without risking that, or the sin of over-righteousness-of all sins the most abominable. Our clergyman was comparatively fi-ee from both, though a latent stratum of intolerance, underlying his piety, became eruptive on occasion. A quick-tempered, narrow-mlinded, conscientious, opinionated, and charitable man, he only lacked large-heartedness to become agood one. He was a widower, without family, though fulfilling the double part of uncle and preceptor to a boy of twelve-- one of the most extraordinary of juveniles. It is a privilege to have known that moral and intellec- tual Phenomenon. He was a rosy-faced, dark-haired, near- sighted youth, possessing a small, flute-like voice, and pre- ternatural glibness of speech. He never, by any chance, did a boyish action. He always descended to breakfast bursting with information as to the state of the thermom- eter, and was so superfluously polite as to bid you good- day whenever he met you, though it should chance twenty times in the course of a morning. He dabbled in ento- mology, didn't approve of Shakspeare, and objected to story-books, "as he had heard of persons becoming insane from the pernicious habit of novel-reading." He spoke of the simplest things with the greatest elaboration, and would inform the landlady that " owing to the negligence of the servant, some water had been spilt in the passage, which, by the action of the weather, had been converted into ice, and that he should recommend its immediate removal, in order to prevent accidents!" He addressed grown persons over the dinner-table on the political, ,social, or religious questions of the day, and would en- courage them to enter into discussions with him. He greatly enjoyed defining his position on every possible subject, and once favored us with his "platform," which was ultra-Garrisonian. He always read the newspapers. He was a staunch advocate of the Maine Law.* He had a little dressing-gown, and a special costume for garden- ing. At table, his appetite and choice of food were guided by those of his uncle, and, probably, had that gentleman needed castor-oil, he would have demanded a similar dose. He was insufferably affable, revoltingly polite, preter- * Apropos of which, we find it impossible to resist indulging our readers with the insertion of the following verses-whether of the young gentleman's composition we can not positively assert, though strongly inclining to that opinion. We picked them up in MS. on the page: 70-71[View Page 70-71]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 70-71 70 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF naturally precocious. Had you inquired his sentiments as to Predestination, Original Sin, or Chinese Metaphysics, we ve no doubt he would have "gone in" with perfect confidence in his ability to explain those not particularly simple subjects. You could as soon have put the author of the life of P. T. Barnum out of countenance. He called upon the girl who waited at table--a hard-featured, small-pox-marked, Scotch damsel, hired on account of her Protestantism and ugliness--three times as much as any grown boarder. The ladies of theEstablishment admired his "excellent moral principles," petted him, and once formed an audience to a lecture of his delivering. We believe the subject was On Sea-weed and the Moral Les- sons inculcated by It. The male boarders, to A man, de- tested him--which was very unkind, as he always treated them with the greatest condescension. We used to sit opposite to him at meals, and were never tired of looking at and speculating about his future. We knew what a nice young man he must grow up into. We fancied the offensively virtuous life he would lead, merg- ing all minor peccadilloes into one ineradicable cancer of spiritual self-conceit. And furthermore, when removed to a sphere worthy of his manifold perfections, we thought what an unpleasant angel he 'd make. We could imagine him stepping up to Michael and glibly expressing his gen- staircase and caligraphy being small, neat, skinny, and formal. They might have been copied from some Temperance Hymn-Book: "I'm a little Temperance boy, Twelve years old I And I love Temperance' Better than gold I Every little boy, like me, The Temperance-pledge should sign, For God loves little boys Who don't love wine I 1!" NEW YORK BOABRDIXG-HSOUSES. 71 eral approval of celestial arrangements, but offering a hint or so by way of improving the Constitution. He was not the only youthful boarder in the "Serious" Establishment. Two others, a boy and girl, owed their existence to the union of a heavy gentleman (engaged in the oil-trade) with a small, weak-eyed lady, his second wife. It was whispered (and here we may remark that there was far more than the average under-current of tattle and slander afloat in the "Serious"Boarding-House) that she had brought her husband a large fortune, and that he behaved very meanly to her-the ladies asserting "she had n't a frock fit to put on." But he was eminently pious. Immensely so. And, by-the-by, it is worthy of observation that pious men generally marry prudently; and if they become widowers, scarcely ever remain such. Knowing that money is the root of all evil, they burn with Christian heroism to struggle with it; honoring matrimony as a divine institution, they can't have too much of it. The children of these parents had different but unpleasing idiosyncracies. The boy was fourteen, had straight hair, a face like a bad lemon, a querulous voice, bony legs, and large feet. He used to put his arms round his mother's neck at dinner-time-toward the conclusion of the meal-and whiningly solicit permission to over-eat himself. The girl was only remarkable for sulkiness, de- testation of her father, and a habit of kicking her broth- er's shins under the table. The twain sometimes endeav- ored to get up a game of romps with the Prodigy, but he considered his dignity insulted by such proposals, and always kept aloof. You could not offend him more thoroughly than by treating him as a boy. He was very susceptible of such affronts, and never, thoroughly, for- gave a boarder who once took him uop in his arms. On another occasion, too, he was moved to such anger as page: 72-73[View Page 72-73]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 72-73 I I 72 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF to tell the landlady that he. considered her behavior "beastly"--for which he subsequently apologized. in words of three syllables. The meals provided at the "Serious"Boarding-House were excellent in quality, plentiful in quantity, and not ill-served; though the entire duty of attendance fell upon the angular shoulders of the Scotch virgin. For the elect are by no means indifferent to the pleasures of the palate, not unfrequently attaching over-much importance to that which might be denominated the grossest of all enjoy- ments. An unregenerate scoffer would say that by vol- untarily debarring themselves from many innocent pleas- ures they are necessitated to fall back upon the most unspiritual ones. We have seen the brother and sister recently alluded to absolutely wallow in turkey and cran- berry sauce. Generally there was a completd rampart of dishes encircling that family at dinner. Sunday--always a dull day in Boarding-Houses--was preternaturally slow in the "Serious" one. Church-going, with intervals of feeding to repletion appeared to be the rule of conduct with the majority of its occupants. Some of the young men, however, stayed at home during the afternoon and " carried on" extensively in their chambers; beating each other with pillows and struggling upon the beds. When Mrs. -- ascended, or sent up the Scotch virgin to remonstrate, they assumed a meek aspect and endeavored to criminate one another. When less actively disposed, they slept, coming down gaping and with gen- erally foggy aspects at the sound of the supper bell. There were very few attempts at conversation, as the landlady, her mother, the malignantly-orthodox lady, and heavy gentleman disapproved of the introduction of sec- ular topics on Sunday. On working-days we talked poli- tics, in which the clergyman, like most of his class, took NEW YORE BOARDING-HOUSES. 73 great interest, especially when of an exciting and elli erent character. We don't mention this invidiously. On the contrary, we liked him for it. Once we knew a cler- gyman who, dulring the Mexican war, would get unusu- ally enthusiastic about feats of individual heroism and throat-cuttinga--as why should n't he? It was hzuan. We recollect a lady-boarder who--being comparativel unacquainted with the rigorous piety of the Establish- Sment-gave great offense by playing upon the piano on Sunday; as did her husband by reading the Herald, which paper was an abomination in the eyes of the landlady. So much so, indeed, that upon its accidental appearance on the breakfast-table one morning, Mrs. started up with horror and astonishment depicted on her coun- tenance, seized the obnoxious sheet, rushed to the stove and, in a frenzy of religious zeal, committed it to the flames. This little incident, in conjunction with others, probably accelerated the removal of that couple from the D Serious"Boarding-House, for they left soon afterwards. Our landlady's " trials"--she so denominated all matters not in accordance with her wishes-were far more severe in conjunction with another boarder. Like the serpent of old, he entered into this Presbyterian Eden but to bliglht and destroy. He was a reporter to a daily news- paper. His behavior, while domiciled in the " Serious, Es- tablishment, is fearful to think of He whistled godless niegro melodies while going up stairs, rang the ugly sel: vant-girl up at unholy hours of the night and morning, and once effected a nocturnal, burglar-like entrance at a basement window. He smoked short pipes in bed, dropped Play-bills in the parlors, asked mild-young-men-boarders out to take drinks, and--horrible to relate--seuce one of them into a Model Artist exhibition. He affected a passion for the malignantlJy-orthodox female, cut jokes on page: 74-75[View Page 74-75]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 74-75 '74 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF the cap of the landlady's mother, and invited both ladies to accomparny him to Christy's. He proclaimed his adhe- sion to the AMormon faith, and made jocular attempts to convert the heavy gentleman. And, finally, he devoted his energies to the perversion of the rising geineration. We don't think he had much success with the Prodigy. That immaculate youth stood poised on toohigh a pin- nacle of conscious virtue to be knocked off by mortal aim. 'But withll the others-the boy and the girl-he sped but too well. Discovering that they were unacquainted with the institution of pocket-money, he tempted them, by presents of small coins, to the utterance of awful words. The bony-legged boy did, in consideration of the sum of fifty cents-he refused two shillings, with the additional bonus of a large apple, as too little-actually thrust his head into a room where three ladies sat, and utter, in a NEW YORK BOARDG-.HOrrSEs. 75 small, sepulchral, but perfectly distinct oice, the fearful anathema , G-d--n all of "yol !t e He did n't appear next moraning. Nor did his preceptor, for^^^^tc thatth nighth fr that nigoht he put a climax to his atrocities , -P ing home one of the mild-young-1nen-boarders 'y brig landlady declared-a dreadful state, in whih- as the sequently discovered oi tt ll Which he was sub- sequently discovere d on the doo . mat. The tempter at once received instant and severe notice to quit. The fallen youth was confined to his r oom for a eek, hi father, who took his dinners -iw as'dark whispered--adm up to him, and-it werdal Whispered-administered paternal chastisement regularly, every night and morning, immediately after family prayer. We can depose to the boy's howlin dismally at those periods, and that, when reinsta tedy at theoBoardinouse table, he looked remarkably sheepish. shi page: 76-77[View Page 76-77]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 76-77 CHAPTER IX. THE THEATRICAL BOARDING-HOUSE. iWi X belief, this Estab- lishment-the de- ;I 2 ;! tails and domestic " economy of which were unique in X9 =::their way--is ex- tinct, we therefore speak of it in the' past tense. Like the Cheap' Boarding - House on a large scale, described in Chapter Four, it consisted of tWO tenements, which, in this case, formed& brick-and mortar units in a street diverging eastwart fom Broad-Wh way, not f fom the theater of that nme. Whether influenced by the location, a predilection on the part of the landlady for the profession, the gregarious habits of the class, or the three reasons combined, the majority o the boarders were actors. It was conducted on what might be termed providential principles. Receiving the scriptural injunction of" take NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. " no thought for to-morrow" in a literal sense, its mistress, a stout, unctuously-smiling widow, of Irish extraction, de- voutly obeyed it, Every thing was done by shifts and expedients. "Chance governed all," as in Milton's Chaos. You enjoyed the pleasing uncertainties of alternate hunger Sand plenty, as in savage life, with the additional advan- tages of social intercourse of a novel and entertaining character. There were no -regular meal hours. A newly- caught boarder, of sanguine disposition, might, it is true, place credence in a mild superstition attaching gastro- nomic importance to certain periods of the day, but this faith-touching in its very simplicity-never outlasted a week. Two rendered him a confirmed infidel as to all order whatever. He either dis-accommodated himself into harmony with the mis-rule around-or left. We Bwere young, and the place had its attractions. We were poor, also, and it wasn't dear. For nearly six months we lived in that Theatrical Boarding-House. Generally, one's earliest experience was in connection with the subject of loans. As surely as rapidly, you"' glided into the anomalous and unnatural position of cred- itor to your landlady. She borrowed five or ten dollars of you on the day subsequent to your arrival, and hence- forth you vainly struggled against destiny. In' the lan- guage of appeals to a charitable public, "the smallest contributions were thankfully received." Solicitations for "quarters," shillings, sixpences, beset you; sometimes through the medium of a faded female, half-servant, half- boarder, oftener that of the landlady's daughter, a shrill and objectionable girl in pantalettes, whose hair curled the wrong way, who was horribly inquisitive, never closed doors, and appeared subject to a mysterious disease denominated "the Mumps," which necessitated the per- petual bandaging of her head in dirty handkerchiefs. page: 78-79[View Page 78-79]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 78-79 }8 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF i-s LikePoe'sRaven,shewould l come "tapping, tapping at i one's chamber-door," with the words ", Mother says prefacing the inevi- table message. We have sat full half-an-hour waiting --breakfast while this was in operation elsewhere in order to raise money for the pur- chase of a mutton-chop. tok of the general iiregu- Payments to the butcher partook of the g larity of the Establishment, wherefore he, not unfre- quently, waxed wroth, and supplied meat of dubious quality, or none at all. Entering at night bymeans of the area gate (for less than twenty minutes' pulling at the street-door bell was never known to proce admis- sion) we have discovered injured tradesfolk sitting gloomily in back kitchens. There they would remain {br hours, lying in bac it for or landlady, she having unac- hours, lying in wait for or d hither anl countably vanished, while the servants plied hither an thither among the boarders for the wherewithal to exor- cise them. These girls' wages, too, were awfully in arrear. The amount of lying, dodgery, and pretense put into op- eration (never however effectually) in order to screen the system-or rather want of it--mut have been pro- iThe supply of linen being scant, the advent of a new boarder was invariably marked by a foray into others' chambers, in order to furnish forth the require comple-OW ment of bed-furniture for the stranger. ere a pill would be urreptitiously confiscated, there a blanket, else- where a cverlid. It was bitter winter eather, and oul and dire were the complaints of the victimized on the fol- NEW YORK- BOARDING-HUSES. '9 lowing morning, when "the stupidity of them girls" formed the staple excuse. Time, however, had taught Urs the wisdom of the serpent. We, noting any deficiency of bed-gear, made raids on our own account, replacing from the couches -of others those articles of which ours had been deprived. Necessity must palliate, if not justify the act. Often have we lain and listened to the'anath- emas of some temporary neighbor on the unknown ab- stractor. Our meals-taken in a sort of white-washed school-room of limited dimensions in the rear of the premises-were mostly of a carnivorous description, from which circum- stance we infer that the pie-venders of that vicinity are inexorably opposed to the credit system. . Occasionally dinner was totally ignored. No bell's harmonious discord sounded the tocsin of appetite. Hungry and exasperate boarders would assemble in dismal conclave, sit until ex- pectancy palled into despair, then wrathfully disappear- the sterner spirits being, sometimes, partially mollified by homeopathic relays of steak. On such crises Mrs. -- would be invisible. Our impression is that she locked herself in a subterianean cupboard or closet till the evil hour had passed. But, as we have said, thh Establishment had its plea- santer aspects. Shifty and incongruous as its arrange- ments were, the very absence of all order imparted a piquant zest to existence within its walls, appealing, as it did, to the vagabond side of human nature. If one day's dinner were omitted, to-morrow's plenty effaced all ireful recollection of it. And during intervals of cash or credit, you were never too late or too early for a meal. It was a true Liberty Hall, if ever such existed, and Rabelais' in- scription over the gate of the Abbey of Theleme, 'Do what thou wilt," might have been written on its portal. ;' page: 80-81[View Page 80-81]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 80-81 e.80, . THE PHYSIOLOGY OF Where else, we ask, should we have been allowed to sit wrapped up in blankets and bed-clothes on deathly cold winter nights, while scribbling a comic story on the edge of the washing-stand? Where, subsequently, to insert a small stove within the thirteen-inch space between our bed-foot and the wall, to extemporize a hole for the stove- pipe with a rusty knife and hammer ; and finally, to char the bed-post to the extent and blackness which we assuredly did. The Theatrical Bdarding-House had its advantages You could send out for beer at any seasonable or unsea- sonable hour. You could call fellow,.boarders by their nick-names, cut jokes and fraternize with every body. We like actors. And in spite of all the charges which from Le Sage's day to the present have been brought against them, the world likes them, and will continue to do so I They generally have that practical wisdom which disposes to look on the cheery side of things. At our Boarding- House they punned, laughed, talked slangy and stagy, drank ale or champagne with equal good humor, and got up the jolliest of supplementary suppers. Of one of these entertainments (given by the husband of a tragedienne during his temporal# bachelorhood con- sequent on her absence while fulfilling a professional en- gacement at another city), we have a lively recollection. It was a good notion of a supper-a hare, chickens, oysters and champagne; whist, poker, piano-forte-playing, and singing to follow. Speeches were made also, which, as the hours drew on, increased in eloquence and pathos. We remember one gentleman pledging his honor that his wife would die, if desired, for the behoof of any fiiend he might mention. Another was moved to shed tears copi- ously during a burst of confidence on the subject of his early years. Choruses, too, were sung, some being of an abnormal, and even gymnastic character, as witness NE YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 81 the following. The vocalist, suiting action to words, commenced. "One finger and thumb keep moving-- Keep moving-- To drive dull Care awayl" Others Joining in with voice and gesture on a repetition of the lines, the exhortation increased in its demands "two fingers and thumbs') being next in requisition, and so on, until finally, at the words, "Two arms and two legs keep moving!") all present were jumping up and down in an energetically ludicrous manner only conceivable in insane Shaking Quakelrs As this o'ccu a Qurs . A s h occurred at something like A x. ., ertain-boarders overhead and below were unreasonb enough to remonsto re nasona page: 82-83[View Page 82-83]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 82-83 B2 THE pHYSIOLOGY OF X sanctioned the festivities during the earlier part of the evening, such complaints were treated with meritd de- rision. We have but an indistinct idea at what hour the party broke up, having quitted it at 6 A. Ar., leaving cards It was pre-eminently a masculine Establishment, and appeared the more so, as the few lady-boarders generally preferred taking their meals within the sanctity o tei own apartments. They, however, sometimes congregated on wintry afternoons in a gloomy old parlor appertaining to the larger and duller of the houses, where we once surprised a select party of three engage in theseumpthe tion of' cigars and hot brandy and water. One oftes te proprietress of a rather?e is hac aouht to see child (which latter article was pe I ou an herimm iately aajoining ou s; anc for her),tie we were in error as to thesex f the occupant, some ti t we were i ro o^ g. being misled by her proficienoy in the art of whistling. Our undeception only 0T re[' o tapp ing t we heado reof re-igniting a lamp, which we ha for thel o 'bed-clothes. koked over an extinguise mong the NENW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 83 - At a later period, when a slight intimacy had sprung up, she occasionally borrowed our boots on rainy evenings to walk to the theater in, receiving with great good humor any playful allusions to the (presumably) lovely limbs they were honored by encasing--and once telling us to come round to Burton's as she "'played a leg-part." On our return from that place of popular entertainment, she was very anxious to learn '" how she looked from the par- quette," and " whether we heard her distinctly." She had but three lines and a monosyllable to utter during the entire performance! But, unquestionably, the lioness of the place was the trcagedienne before alluded to. She was a handsome, jolly. woman, with a deep, rich voice, and would asl you how you did, or make an observation about the weather in such heart-felt, cordial tones as imparted quite a glow to the recipient. She had a will of her own, too, and it was popularly supposed that her husband (who played walking gentleman, and was some years her junior) knew it. She was, also, a little jealous of him-not without reason. We fancy he had an equal attachment to champagne and to his wife, and it was said the lady herself had a penchant for the former. With two anecdotes in which she figures, the present chapter may fitly conclude. There was a hard-headed and generally obnoxious Scotch boarder, who, to some originally disagreeable characteristics, added the one of occasional intoxication; when he was prone to discourse about John Knox and the "Free Kirk" of his country. The actors used to "sel!" him by challenging his admiration for imagin al passages in non-existent novels by Walter Scott; -and to excite his anger by pretending to mistake him for an Irishman; as also by addressing him as Mac Wnggles, Mac Scratcher, Mac Grits, Mac Turn 'emup, and similar' I - page: 84-85[View Page 84-85]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 84-85 84 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP titles. Now he, coming home one night from an adjacent bar-room, and availing himself of the opening of the street- door boy the servant of our tragedienne (whether impelled by antecedent whisky-skins or his natural obtuseness, we know not), followed the girl up-stairs to her lady's apart- ment; apologizing for his presence, when questioned, by a muttered reference to his ordinary theological topic. Mrs. ---, not considering this satisfactory, shrieked for her husband, who, like his wife, was in undress, and leaping up at the summons pursued the invader to our chamber door, where overtaking him, he, with his lady's assistance, administered severe fistical chastisement. Upon our issu- ing forth, lamp in hand, an eminently dramatic tableau :s visible. The howling Caledonian, with the sanguine stream of life gushing from his nose, and his countenance further ornamented by feminine talons, lay writhing in the grasp of the infuriate actor, whose left whisker he was holding on to in a peculiarly painful manner, whaile above. N EW YORE BOARDIG-HO USES. 8 and around hovered a Lady Macheth-e gure, awful white flannel. Other boarders appearing, a se paation was effected, and the Scotchman persuaded to go d stairs, where he armed himself with a carving-knife, swore revenge on every body very nearly assassinated the land- lady who repaired to him with pacific intentions, an finally went to sleep with his head in a coal-scuttle. But "with the morning calm reflection came ;, by dinner*time the three had exchanged apologies, shaken hands, and de- spite the victim's discolored eyes, swollen nose, and face scarified d la gridiron, were hob-nobbing one with the other most cordially--an edifying and Christian spectalee. Our remaining anecdote is trite, but has a spice of the ridiculous which may justify its narration. A brother actor of our tragedienne's husband having borrowed a pair of nether habiliments firom him for " light comedy , , purposes, was, bythe lady, encountered in the passage and ordered back to his apartment, there to immediately disendue himself of them, she not approving of the loan., And the voice which we had over-night heard in Juliet 's love-impassioned speech was exalted in wrath, even to let- tintg dwellers on the upper tloors know that "Bill soldnt have them pants-they had been purchased with her money, and she'd burn 'em ere his request should be glranted requet, page: 86-87[View Page 86-87]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 86-87 CHAPTER X. THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHEREIN ; SPIRITUALISM7 BECOMES PREDOMNANT. A HANDSOME up-town edifice within five minutes' walk of Fifth Avenue, and of such heighth that scaling its staircase (midway up which a foggy aroma of dinners always hovers) is involunta- i rily suggestive of Jacob's ladder. In outward appear- ance 'it is aristocratic, in in- ner arrangements unexcep- tionable, its dinner-hour fashionally late. In no par- ticular, therefore, would it differ from many similar Establishlments, but for the pecu- liarities of its inmates, which fairly entitle it to a place in our Physiology. The reader, if a New Yorker, has doubtless often no- ticed in Broadway the tall, spare figure of an elderly gen- tleman attired in a suit of black of the cut and fashion of the past century. Who has not turned to gaze on that venerable-looking person? on the long, gray lair strag- NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 87 gling over his shoulders and back; on the three-cornered cocked-hat, the breeches and knee-buckles of'76? Such au aIect might have graced the council-board of William Penn or the Pilgrim Fathers. That, reader, is the Doctolr, and he being the arch-priest and grand exponent of Spir- itualism at the house of which we speak, it becomes necessary to pay our respects to him. Were he to write his auto-biography (as we trust he will, some day), it would doubtless prove a deeply inter- esting volume. Far be it from our hasty pen to anticipate such a task, or to risk the displeasure of a conscientious seeker after truth by the attempt. Yet we have heard that in his pursuit of that celestial maid, he, in common with other of her admirers, has occasionally got garroted by certain of the pestilent heresies which are wont to as- sume her likeness-sometimes releasing himself with ex- treme difficulty. Enough of that. Suffice it to say, that after considerable theological experience-rivaling, in- deed, that of Orestes Brownson, though starting from the very point at %which he has rested--the Doctor now enjoys a lucrative medical practice, believes strongly in the Maine Law, and= is equally ardent in his advocacy of Spir- itualism. We have been told of singular and startling phenomena as the immediate agents in producing his conversion to the latter-how the spirit of a defunct rela- tive not only shook, slapped, pinched, and tweaked the Doctor nocturnally, but was accustomed to lift him from his bed and treat him to rides round the room (how he looked during the operation let our artist's pencil por- tray), always finally restoring him to his resting-place, and considerately tucking him up-how, desirous of accommo- dating himself to these celestial visitations, he studied music, and learned to play upon the guitar and harmon- icon-with much more of retrospective matter which we page: 88-89[View Page 88-89]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 88-89 88 THE PHYSIi OLOGY OF =- II dismiss as irrelevant-turning at once to the Boarding- House, and his proselytizing therein. Within the Establishment are many lady-boarders of Eastern origin, wTho, though past the age of girlhood, have retained the simplicity of heart and trustfulness of nature proper to the morning of life. Now from EveIs time downwards the sex has exhibited a penchant for knowl- edge, even when acquired at the rigC of danger; and it would seem that the minds of old maids are, from the fact of so much of their nature lying, as it were, fallow, peculiarly subject to become the recipients of such stray tares as, sown broadcast by imposition. and credulity, are producing every day such plentiful crops of misery and insanity. Any way oir Doctor (whom, of course, we ac- quit of disingenulity) experienced great success in his ad- vocacy of Spiritualism among the lady-boarders. In the first place, Physiological classes were formed, and the Doctor commenced a series of lectures on Anatomy- which, however, came to a sudden termination in conse- NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 80 quence of the uncalled-for squeamishness of all but one of the virgin auditory. These being abandoned, the dis- covery of " Mediums," formation of "Circles," and procur- ing of "Manifestations," became the order of the day--or rather evening, for at such time, after the labors of the day, did the Doctor vouchsafe to act as spiritual hiero- phant. Here every thing progressed admirably. Little supernatural soirees were got up, and the ladies had the satisfaction of being astonished, frightened, and mystified in the most delightful manner. Nothing could be pleas- anter-but, unfortunately, there existed among the in- mates of the establishment one or two skeptics of the sterner sex, and especially one individual whom We shall designate as the Incredulous Boarder. He was the Doctor's moral antipodes in every thing, appearance, characteristics, and opinions. The former never had his hair cut, and shaved only his upper lip; the latter was bald, and scrupulously-razored, with the excep- tion of a moustache. The former attired himself in a style particularly calculated to attract notice; the latter's cos- tume was simple and unpretentious. The former pos- sessed unlimited faith in the supernatural,- the latter unbounded skepticism. Being, therefore, of such radically opposite natures, how could they fail to antagonize? The Doctor denounced his adversary as a rhinoceros- hided infidel, and furthermore informed him that he was possessed by Seven Devils. It might have been this bale- ful influence which impelled him to devote himself to the production of utter confusion and dismay in the ranks of the faithful-to assail the Doctor's opinions on all subjects -to charge the reverend person with profaning the Sab- bath by the performance of valses, polkas, and the like secular compositions-to speak of the Maine Law with derision, of Spirtitualism as humbug-and finally to char- i page: 90-91[View Page 90-91]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 90-91 * 90 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF acterize its professors as ghostly Peter Funks. . These abominable opinions he would express on all possible oc- caSions. Great, therefore, was the exultation, when, one evening, a whisper passed round that the Incredulous One had ex- perienced a softening of the heart, and petitioned to be allowed to make one in a"Circle." In the hope of his conversion it was granted, though the Doctor retired to his room in dudgeon, as mistrusting the sincerity of the neophyte.- Notwithstanding which, remarkable and un- exampled success followed. Tabular gyrations and knock- ings occurred almost immediately, and presently, after performing a spiritual Schottische, zig-zagging in a very startling manner into corners, and once descending heav- ily on the corns of a male believer, the supernaturally- stilrred mahogany penned one of the ladies in a corner, and nearly cut her in twain, against the wall. This was natu- rally regarded as a great triumph, and the Doctor de- scended to share it. His presence apparently induced greater manifestations from the spirit-world. The fire- irons rattled, and groans were heard as proceeding from the heart of the chandelier. In compliance with the gen- eral request, the Doctor mounted a chair for the purpose of investigation. Solemnly, and at regular intervals, the lugubrious sounds were repeated. Questions were put and responded to-by groans. It was unanimously con- cluded that some unhappy spirit was present, but unable, from unexplained circumstances, to definitely communi- cate his sorrows. And thus to the awe and satisfaction of the community, the proceedings of the evening termi- nated. Nor was the faith of believers shaken by the assertions of the still Incredulous Boarder, on the following morning --that he, and he alone, contrived to produce the move- NEW YORK' BOARDING-HOUSBBIS. 91 ments of the table, and that a little inquiry had reduced the groaning spirit to the simple origin of a loose plank in the flooring overhead, upon which a girl chanced to be seated in a rocking-chair, while nursing a baby. He was considered a ribald outcast from truth, one given over to unbelief, a conscious blasphemer of the mysteries of'Spirit- ualism! The ladies held fast to their faith, and the skirts of the Doctor. Far be it from us to desire to dislodge them! We have recently heard that he is organizing Spiritual lDancing-clabsses. 7Z* 3 1 1 I page: 92-93[View Page 92-93]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 92-93 CHAPTER XI. THE MEAN BOARDING-HOUSE. MEAN Boarding-Houses,like mean people, are, unfor- tunately, not uncommon or peculiar to any rank or locality. We have already had occasion to speak of one Establish- ment in which a stratum of aristocratic pretense overlays this character- istic, we nbw turn to an- other in humbler life. It is a clean-looking framne building, in a quiet- ishL street, some twenty minutes' walk from Chatham Sqiuare, and midway between East Broadway and the riNer. If the broken and puddley sidewalks of the vicin- itiy had been especially sown with an intention of produc- ing a crop of old barrels, boxes, disabled kettles and con- tused saucepans, they could not be more plentiful. There are more private dwellings than shops, one or. taWo Dutch or Irish grocery stores, a disused pump, a few street-lamps, and some trees. Our Boarding-House is n corner one, NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 93 standing some little distance Jto the rear of the street- front. You reach its stoop by an ascent of half a dozen wooden steps. Its landlady claims England as the land of her nativity, in defiance of the richest of brogues and most Milesian of appellations. She is a widow, with three daughters. The eldest has a husband, the second expects to obtain one, and the third is a girl of eight. Between the two latter a species of guerilla warfare unceasingly rages, the grown-up young lady having apparently made up her mind to regard her sister's existence as a personal insult, which conviction she expresses through the medium of slaps, and stray epithets, on all, possible occasions; while the younger revenges herself by trying on her oppressor's 1 bonnets, and indulging in fugitive performances on the piano, which generally terminate in a grand finale of screams and spankings. The old lady, her mother (she owns to five-and-fifty, and her wig is innocent of all deception) has West Indian ; antecedents, and talks much of "Jamaiky," in connection with her late husband. According to her representations he was a species of malital phoenix-never known to \ swear, to smoke, to partake of any stronger liquor than ginger-beer, or toifind fault with his meals. (She is par- ticular in dwelling on this last point for the benefit of I boarders.) There is extant a book of travels in Ireland, ! containing marginal notes in the hand-writing of the de- funct, which denounce its author as "a meen man," and inform you that " he tells lice" when not eulogistic of the country. We infer that the commentator was a patriotic, , but imperfectly-educated Irishman. His relict has been one and the mistress of her Estab- lishment for eight years. She frequently alludes to the "novelty" of her employment, by way of indirectly apolo- page: 94-95[View Page 94-95]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 94-95 " THE PHYSIOLOGY OF gizing for all deficiencies. ,There are plenty of them. It is, emphatically, a Mean Boarding-House. If we knew any body with an unappeasable appetite for salt fish and sheep's liver, we would give him Mrs. --'s address. Those dainties always predominate at her table. They formed the staple meal at least thrice a week, and underwent no end of revivification-if we may be allowed the expression in connection with cookery. A piscine odor permeated the entire Establishment-the very window-curtains smelt of it. It was a singular and beau- tiful study to observe the many transformations a single dish endured. In the breakfast steak of to-day you, might recognize the corned beef of yesterday's dinner, and rea- sonably anticipate encountering it in to-morrow's meat- pie, and the next day's hash. We got to dating from the advent of certain portions of animal food-reckoning upon our fingers the lapse of days by them. All meats-whether pork, veal, mutton, or beef-are, in a double sense, exceedingly rare in the Mean Boarding- :House-probably being served up in that state that the difficulties of mastication may prevent any considerable consumption; not to hint at the desirability of punishing with indigestion and nightmare such brutal boarders whose appetites will NOT be deterred. The joints always present fine anatomical displays of bone, and great diffi- culties to the carver. But joints are of seldom occurrence. Liver and salt fish predominate. And-for a treat-an occasional bullock's-heart on Sunday. The vegetables are worthy of notice. Potatoes tasting like something between yellow soap and bad artichokes, carrots out of which all flavor has been boiled, and large, rank, greasy cabbages. (There is always a suggestion of these latter, by-the-bye, flavoring the piscine odor before alluded to.) Mrs.-- prides herself on her pastry. It NEW YORK BOARLDING-HOUSES. 95 is of solid construction, and damp, putty-like material. i We should suppose that dripping, saleratus, and potato- starch enter largely into the ingredients. With the homem'ade bread--vproduced as a luxury-it partakes of a highly dyspeptic character. The tea is so weak that you would n't suppose it had strength to drown a fly, or dissolve sugar. The coffee tastes of horse-beans, and is invariably concocted over night (why, we know not) being re-warmed for the morning's consumption. Mrs. -- dispenses these delicacies to her boarders in person, with much indirect discourse as to the superiority of "good, plain livings" over " kickshaws," and many reminiscences of her husband's culinary predilections. It j invariably happens that he would have preferred the meal j in progress to all others. Besides being a marital phoenix, j he is a defunct XMrs. iHarris, to be invoked on all possible j occasions. The economy observable in dietary arrangements, is also carried out in other matters. The scanty stair-carpet -confined to its place by a limited allowance of rods-- dwindles into shabby drugget on turning the first land- ing-place, and disappears altogether at the second story. Cheap calico window-curtains--on which are landscapes of 4 gorgeous colors, but more than Chinese contempt for per- spective-supply the place of sun-blinds. And the various chambers have but little other furniture than beds, wash- I ing-stands, and little mirrors, chairs being infrequent, Our apartment contained but half a window, an unpainted pine-partition separating it from the adjoining room, and dividing the casement equally between them. It was, too, rathbr a screen than partition, as it did not reach the ceiling by two feet, which afforded opportunity for inter- change of small courtesies, such as brushes, matches, etc., with our neighbor. (On one occasion he smashed our page: 96-97[View Page 96-97]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 96-97 9 El THE PHYSIOLOGY OF looking-glass with an injudiciously thrown blacking-box.) Our bedstead, also, did not possess its full complement of slats or cross-pieces, and we tumbled through-twice a night on the average-until we contrived extemporaneous repairs with an old drawing-board, and fragmentary easel. The boarders at the time of our sojourn, were about twelve in number, the sexes being pretty equally repre- sented. We will briefly enumerate them. A married Tipperarian, who had greatly distinguished himself in the Smith O'Brien campaign of '48, by demolishing a drum with the British arms upon it; and was, in consequence, greatly beloved by his compatriots. A widow, with two daughters, the elder acknowledging to a husband in Cali- iornia, but refusing to recognize him in a hairy and itoxi- cated individual, who, one night, attempted to force an entrance into the house, and demanded speech with ';' Betsy." An ex-sailor, temporarily reduced-or advanced -to the position of a policeman, addicted to interlarding N NEW YO"RK BOARDING- OOUSES . 9 his speech with proverbs, and to going to sleep on duty, i which condition he once had his star stolen from him. His wife and children. A red-haired dry-goods clerk, who found favor in the eyes of the landlady's daughter, aihd propitiated the mother and married sister by presents of ribbons. A hatter, an attorney's clerk, and a japanner or dealer in ornamental furniture, complete the list. The last-mentioned individual was our neighbor, on the other side of the partition, and had a shop in the vicinity. Combining the foregoing particulars of board and boarders, our reader's fancy will easily supply the detail, of existence within the walls of the Mean Boarding- House. Our landlady had but one characteristic in addi- l tion to those already chronicled. She generally vanished A immediately after dinner, and did not turn Ulp till supper- time, when she always groaned a good deal, and, in re- i spolse to the inquiries of lady-boarders, said she (" felt bet- ter." The Tipperarian declared, privately, that she was in the habit of" mugging herself" with spirits; going to ! bed with her clothes on, and, a black-bottle, for that purpose. i Our sojourn would scarcely have been a protracted one Xi nder ally circumstances, but was brought to a speedier i close than we had anticipated. A few weeks' residence in any Boarding-House generally reveals to the observer a strong under-current of slander, in which more or less of the inhabitants love to dabble privately, sprinkling each other's characters as with diabolic benediction. (Had we% . . i cared to descant on the topic we might have added a con- siderable addendum, especially treating of it, to each chapter.) In the Mean Establishment, this amiable weak- ness flourished in great force, and presently blossomed into results. The' landlady's daughter didn't like the policeman, considering his calling low ; and the California 5 ill page: 98-99[View Page 98-99]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 98-99 Peow objected to his wife, accusing: her of smugging oottles ofCharless Cordial Gin into the house, and, what was worse, not inviting other ladies to partake of them. hrbe attorney's clerk-an every-way mlpleasant individual, ,mnd the 'funny man" of the house--originated floating libels to the effect that the japanner's wardrobe consisted of but one shirt, two dickeys, one pair of socks and a' collar, and that he washed 'eem 1imself, and dried them by suspension from his chamber window. ' The dry-goods man privately solicited attention to the hatter's appetite, and was sure that the husband of the landlady's married daughter didn't talk so much with the California'widow for nothing. Finally rows took place at table, boarder squabbling with boarder and with the authorities. The ex-sailor, provoked by the undclisguised scorn of the landlady's daughter, publicly informed every body that there was a blamed sight more Boarding-Houses than parish-churches in New York, and that he didn't care au rotten piece of junk for the whole bilin' of'em, subse- quently offering to fight the landlady's son-in-law (whicl was eclinled). He thenleft with his family. The japanner followed, andI his departure subsequently influenced ourS. We did not join in the general chorus of depreciation which pursued our late neighbor, and in conseqlence were looked upon as one clisaffected to the ruling powers, an persecuted accordingly. Our being' at home" wasdenied to visitors, our letters were refused, or performed quaran- ,Dine in the landlllady's pocket before eaching us, private l intimations of '" dinner's ready" were givenll to other boarders in advance of the bell (in order that we might arrive at a disadvantage), an especially uncomfortable chair with a caving-in seat and rickety back was assigned to us, our plate, knife and fork were violently hurled at us, our ewer was unfilled, our towel removed, our soap IIS2 our ewer wasI sequestered. Finally we were talked at, over the dinner table. TVe left, and making common cause' with the japanner determined on " humors of revenge." A neatly-worded - advertisement to the effect that lMrs. --- was desirous -of accommodating Irish and German families with board at the rate of $1.50 per head, weekly, presently appeared in the leading daily papers. Emigra- tion was in full vigor, and plenty of applicants responded to the invitation, the average being-as we were informed by the policeman, whose beat lay in that quarter (and who took a fiendish pleasure in directing inquirers to Mrs. ---s) about ten families, daily. Sqie came with bag and baggage, and were slow to admit the possibility of a hoax, attempting to effect lodgments in the passage, and claiming the proprietress as their country-woman. There was, also, much difficulty in explaining the matter to the Germans in consequence of th'eir general ignorance of the English language. The landlady made her son-in-law write ungrammatically- indicgnant letters to the papers denouncing the authors of the advertisement as malignant and eivil-disposed ex- boarders. But the series of events were not destined to end thus quietly. The Tipperarian fell into disfavor, being suspected of intimacy with the conspirators. He was therefore notionly subjected to a series of petty persecu- tions similar to those which had effected-our removal, but an additional one was originated for his especial annoy- ance. Knowing that he went to bed early, the attorney's clerk stimulated other male boarders to the nocturnal performance of negro choruses, interspersed with howls, under his window, at the back of the house. On the second of these chaaivari the wrathful Celt descended in great fury and undress, made so fierce an attack on the party that he utterly routed them, pursued the landlady's 1 i page: 100-101[View Page 100-101]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 100-101 ,i-100 THE PHYSIOLdOGY OF son-in-law into the street, and for the space of several, blocks, finally giving him in charge of our friend the po- liceman and ex-boarder, who promptly conveyed him to the 'stationchouse. Next morning, as might be expected, the Tipperarian received notice to quit. Before doing so, however, he, learning from his wife that another musical entertainment-and one of some pretensions--was pro- jected on a particular evening, resolved on an attempt at reciprocity. With this view (after making arrangements for his wife's removaD, he engaged three barrel-organs, a trombone, and five drums; laid in a supply of whisky, tobacco and sausages; and perpetrated the most unique soiree musi- cale we ever had the pleasure of attending, The com- pany were mainly Irishmen, but included one German (to play the trombone), and the japanner(who took a drum). All arrived at 8 P. m.-much about the time that the more genteel party assembled below-and until the notes of a harp and violin gave the signal, quiet was observed, broken by the performance of a grand overture by the entire strength of the company (with the exception of one big drum which, proving too large to be got through the doorway, had been burst in the endeavor). We despair of conveying to our readers any idea of the effect. With the exception of the German, no performer had the slightest practical knowledge of music. The barrel organs went off at different tunes, the four impromptu drummers attempted a demoniac reveille, and the German played any thing he pleased-all uniting in one common sentiment, that of endeavoring to make as much noise as possible. A pause for refreshment, in the shape of pipes and whisky, encouraged the opposition to a feeble attempt at rivalry with a guitar and flute-our drums soon silenced it. The subsequent performance of "Ben Bolt" (that melody was NW TPOERK BOARDING-HOUsE. 1o01 ju'st then at the height of its popularity), by the combined aids of one barrel-organ, the trombone, and an extempo- raneous accompaniment formed by shaking cents together in a washing-basin, was voted less effective, and the drums insisted on cegning into play again. Ten minutes more produced an envoy from below, in the shape of the attor- ney's clelrk, who, looking very pale and excited-but got- respect to costume generally, and shirt-collar in particular, in a gorgeous manner-wished to know (with Mrs. ---'s compliments) "the meaning of all this." The Tipperarian replied by explaining that a little music, was m progiess, and proffered hospitality, in the shape of a pipe, sausages, and whisky. Rejectin g these with ireful dieonity, the envoy waxed wroth, and stimulated by the consciousness that the company below Tere listening to the colloquy, begsan to talk loudly and fiercely. In all probability ad fight would have ensued, but for an unlooked- for accident which very nearly induced a tragic termina- tion to the absurdities of the nightl page: 102-103[View Page 102-103]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 102-103 102 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. In the excitement incidental to the occasion, the oppo- sition party had quitted their room for the stair-case, or crowded about the doorway, thus establishing a thorough draught of air from the open window, which wafted the light gauzy curtain to a recently-ignited lamp. It was on fire in a moment. The alarm was given, women screamed, men swore, fire-bells tolled, engines arrived and a posse of red shirts and a dense mob blockaded the streets, as the Tipperarian was lugged off by the police-his guests es- caping in the confusion. He was fined ten dollars next day, and discharged from custody. We received an industriously greased and ill- spelt challenge from the attorney's clerk for our presumed participation ini the concert, and disgusted him exceedingly by an expression of readiness for a pugilistic encounter-- which, however, never came off. And since then we have heard nothing of the Mean, Boarding-House, or of its occupants. Nor are we particularly desirous of informa- tion. CHAPTER XII. THE BOARDING-HOUSEV WHERE THERE ARE MARRIAGEABLE DAUGHTERS. THS Establish- ment has some few chalracter- st akronger to of a very numerous class, we a onthose detailems in connection blocks adjacent to wiwith the aris - on-place and ean-looking tenements. Odescribedsent Chapter Five, yet as it is every way a stronger type of a very numerous class, e at on ce recognize its claims to a place in our Physiology. It is situate in a street north of Canal (no matter for its name)--one of those whichl intersect Broadway, the blocks adjacent to which are more stylishly built than those farther on, where they degenerate into very cor' mon-place and mean-looking tenements. Our piresent Boarding-Honse stands on debatable ground, between the junction of these extremes, and is a plain brick building, i , page: 104-105[View Page 104-105]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 104-105 104- THE PHYSIOLOGY OF which might be rendered brighter and cleaner-looking by an application of the paint-brush. Mrs. --- has occu- pied it for twenty years-since the death of her second husband, . i She is a large woman, with a full face, a hboky nose, : and speculative eye, like a' Jewish! version of -Mrs. Trol- lope's IWidow Barnaby. Her nose, indeed, is in such undesir- able proplinquity to her chin as to set one involuntarily cogitating, a whether her defunct husbands ever kissed her, and if so, howthey managed it. She generally ap-u pears in a hideous, copperas-color- ed gown, without any thing white about her neck, and a black wig. In conversation she is chatty and obsequious-especially if you are an eligible young man in search of board. Single lodgers preponderate in her Establishment, of which her daughters constitute the main feature and attraction. These young ladies are three in number, of the respect- ive ages of thirty, twenty-five, and sixteen, the elder being the result of the first marriage. All three appear excessively affable, amiable and approachable, and it is your own fault if they do not speedily become affectionate also. As they have not the finesse and dashing assump- tion of patrician breeding characterizing the ladies of the Aristocratic Boarding-House Where you Don't get enough to Eat, they make bolder advances, and play a coarser game generally. Like them, however, each has her peculiar role, and though quite a penny role in com- parison with those of the brilliant misses described in Chapter Five, contrives to carry it out with that vigorof which only a woman in quest of a husband is capable. NEW' Y-OK BOARDING-HOUSES, ]05- Admitted into -what Mrs. ---terms their " pleasant social circle," you are, in the phrase of Inspector Bucket of Bleak toutse, 'e reckoned up" in a twinkling, and, ac- cording to your idiosyncracy, made over as a lawful waif and stray to one of the three young ladies. They may be thus discriminated. No. 1. Poetic and strong-minded, the last quality subject to modification according to the humor of the destined victim. No. 2. Religious. No. 3. Gushing and exuberant. One would suppose that each of them had studied Phrenology at our friends Fowler and Wells', and there formed different estimates of the thick- ness of the masculine skull over various organs; No. , de- termining on reaching the brain through Firmness andi Ieality, No. 2 attacking Feneration, and No. 3 A reative. Each, then, and in dubious cases, all together, unmask all their batteries of fascination to reduce the MSalakoff of your bachelor heart to capitulation. No. 1 listens with grave attention to your remarks, and is surprisingly of your opinion on politics, literature, and fashion-though for the latter she cares but little, despising all "frivoli- ties.. She supports you in argument, even to the extent of hinting pretty broadly to your opponents that they are ill-bred, and know nothing of what they're talking about. She thinks women ought. to have the privilege of Toting, and "knows somebody" (with a corner-of-tha-eye glance at you) " who s pe'd send to Congress-if she could, but won't tell wAo for t he world." She believes strongly in Alexander Smith's ZIfe Dramc, and likes to get you to read Byron aloud-but, of course, is entirely un- acquainted with Don JTaan, though, singularly enough, the volume (her property) always opens at that naughty poem. And when, on one occasion, your copy of Walt Whitmanws Zeaves of Grass disappeared for three whole 5*I kA page: 106-107[View Page 106-107]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 106-107 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. THE PHYSIOLOGY OF days, she it was who brought it to you, having discovered it behind the sofa, where it had unaccountably slipped. If you are a mildly-developed young man with religious proclivities, beware of No. 2. She teaches at Sunday- school, and belongs to a society which instigates lady- brigands to wait upon down-town merchants, editors, and business men generally, in their offices, there to solicit subscriptions for an impracticable charity. She is a church member, and will denounce the Schottische or German on the smallest provocation. It is rumored that she carries in her bosom the miniature daguerreotype of a gentleman studying for the ministry, together with a small theological pamphlet bearing the title of "Milk for Babes." All burlesque phrases applied to aught that may be supposed serious-such as the over-quoted drollery of !"Harp of a Thousand Strings"-shock her inexpressibly. And an artist-boarder once incurred her lasting displeas- ure, when requested to sketch Moses in the bulrushes for her album, by depicting a terrified Jew peddler between two rushing animals of the bovine species. No. 3 is at once the belle and boast of the Establish- ment, being both prettier and younger, and therefore more attractive, than her sisters. She is an arch coquette, and, like most coquettes, sometimes ventures very far in flirtation, and is most accessible to the more daring of her admirers. She prefers a game of romps or blind man's buff to books or conversation, and, in the latter sport, it is delightful to see her dart into corners to avoid your outstretched arms, uttering the most musical of little shrieks all the time until caught-when she vows it's not fair," and that she will retaliate. And be sure, if her endeavors be successful, that she will pull your whis- kers and feel your moustache in'order to identify you. Some characteristics the ladies possess in common. They are equally partial to moonlight walks on summer evenings, to sitting at the open windows before the lamp is lit, and to lingering on the doorstep-all in company with the gentlemen, who are kindly permitted to smoke on these occasions. Sometimes No. 3 condescends to ignite a cigar for some favored boarder, and even to ap- ply her own rosy lips to the same, returning it with much 107 page: 108-109[View Page 108-109]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 108-109 108 THE PHYSIOLOGY, OF coughng and the assertion that she "quite likes it."- TUpon which, if you remark that it's like getting a kiss by -deputy, she slaps you, laughs, and runs away, but unwill- ing to risk hurting your feelings by the apprehension of her displeasure, comes back again almost immediately. We have known her to be kissed in the passage, and to take it very quietly. But' such indulgences, as you will probably find, almost invariably precipitate a matrimonial engagement, which will be broken in a month by the discovery that others have enjoyed, are enjoying, or may enjoy, the same privileges. No. 3 has jilted more swains "than you can count upon your ten fingers, and that too entirely in deference to mamma and the almighty dollar. A thorough-going Old Soldier is Mrs. --! She lets no opportunity of praising "her dearl girls" escape her. She wonders how any one can be insensible to their charms of mind and person. They are so good, so amia- t Me, so dutiful, so industrious, that she don't know how -ae shall ever make up her mind to part with them. He ^ravO wins either will indeed gain a treasure, and must h]mself be a paragon-the model and quintessence of every manly virtue ere he obtains her consent. Notwith- Standing which, we once overheard her tell No. 1 that she ;Was " real sick of her," and wished to --- that " some - Fool of ca fan" would take her off her hands. It made :a great impression upon us at the time. If you are supposed to entertain a tend-resse toward No. 1, you learn at the tea-table that " that delicious cake" is ,of Aer making; an admirer of No. 2 is privately informed that she clothes half the poor children in the ward; while No. 3 cuts out her own dresses, and is n't " such a mad- cap as she seems," but will sober down into a "most ex- eellent, affectionate, warm-hearted girl." All of which you may believe or not; but if you incline to the bright NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 109 side of the picture, we should n't advise you to darken it by looking very closely into the landlady's face. For it is ominously suggestive of what " the girls" may look like in advanced life. We have known a budding offer for No. 3 blighted by this simple circumstance. Not content with the matrimonial opportunities afforded to them by their mother's Establishment-which may be looked upon as a hymeneal man-trap-the young ladies occasionally try elsewhere for victims-even at the risk of meeting victimizers. There are stories afloat- among the more knowing boarders, of "the girls" having answered matrimonial advertisements, and we can depose to the fact that when the P/iyfe correspondence got into the papers Nos. 2 and 3 were singularly agitated. All three will admit that they have been to MJadame Morrow's to have their fortunes told-if not to other "Witches of New York," also. But then ten times the wit and humor of our friend "Doesticks" would hardly suffice to keep " young ladies" away from such places. Whether they act in concert on a common understand- ing, or carry on the war, individually, each on her own hook, we never were able to ascertain. Certainly they i appear to live in remarkable unanimity, -and if squabbles occur, the Napoleonic axiom of washing dirty linen at home is strictly observed. Even on rather provoking oc- casions-such as the discovery of one sister in the cham- ber of a boarder presumably devoted to the intruding party-no loss of temper has resulted. They twine arms round one ariother's waists in the sweetest sisterly fashion, talk awhile with you, and presently skip away, leaving you puzzled, enchanted, or amused, according to your temperament. We have little to say of the diet of this Establishment, or of individual boarders: the former is but indifferent, , . * . & page: 110-111[View Page 110-111]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 110-111 "O ) NEW YORK BOAR-DING-HOUSES' the, latter (as has already been observed) consisting, gen- erally, of young men--tho do not stolp long. Perhaps the young ladies rather over-do the Art of Fascination; perhaps the prospect of such a mother-in-law terrifies the gentlemen. Any way, Nos. 1, 2, and 3, continue unmar- ried. We should n't wonder if the younger sister finally effected it, and take this opportunity to advise her future husband to immediately emigrate with his bride to Cali- fornia, to change .his name, and repudiate all connection with his wife's relatives. Following this counsel he may stand a chance of happiness. 4 CHAPTER XIII. THE CHEAP HOTEL BOARDING-HOUSE. one of those business-like thoroughfares which are peculiarly characteristic of the lower part of New York -whose dusky red stores have iron shutters, and the names of their occupants painted up in black letters upon a white ground--- whose sidewalks are perpet- ually blockaded by bales, barrels, and boxes-where the pedestrian's progress is rendered perilous* by- the transit, on skids, of un- wieldy merchandise from cart to store, or vice versa-where, throughout the week, wholesale traffic reigns,-and which, on Sundays, has a very funereal and dead-wall aspect-is a huge, selven-story, corner building, bearing its designation in proportionate letters. It is at once a cheap Hotel and Boarding-House. A showy bar-room, furnished with the usual amount of plate-glass, many-colored liquors, cigar-boxes, etc., occu- page: 112-113[View Page 112-113]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 112-113 N EW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. pies the front of the lower story. Here, when there are but few customers, a portly Germans of some eighteen stone weight, may be seen reclining in an arm-chair, half asleep, yet, with the instinctive vigilance of a landlord, keeping one eye open. He is wide awake enough of even- ings, and of all evenings in the week, that of Saturday. Drop in then, you will find him the center of a busy scene, and ready to take drinks, successively, with every individual member of a motley and miscellaneous crowd there assem- bled. Boarders pay up, for the preceding week, at this period, and much mirth, but more noise, is, in progress everywhere. Men clustering in front of the bar; men sit- ting, spitting, drinking and smoking round the stove (if in winter), men bending over the bagatelle-table at one end of the room, men cursing, quarreling, or striking the table at cards, and men engaged in the quieter games of checkers or dominoes. A fog of tobacco-smoke, and a perfect Babel of clamor prevails, the language used being as various as the speakers, but, as may be guessed, the "rich Irish brogue" which General Scott found so charm- ing while on his presidential canvass, is predominant. Most of the boarders--the house accommodates upward of eighty on the average (sometimes more)-are laboring men, having employment in adjacent wholesale stores, about wharfs, etc. It is, by express rule, a bachelor Es- tablishment. A stair-case, rather dirtier than the middle of a street on a rainy day, gives access to the upper por- tion of the house, which is divided into innumerable rooms, of different degrees of smallness, some containing three beds, the majority only one. They are plainly furnished, and indifferently supplied with water, but one ewer being allowed to each chamber. The servants, un- like their master and mistress, are Irish, but have dwelt so long in the establishment as to have become compara- tively Germanized, and one of them-a character in her way-can talk Deutsche like any native-born Teuton. They are mostly ugly girls, of squat figure, very good- humored, slatternly, and industrious. When the dinner-bell rings-at noon precisely-there's a rush of men from the bar-room to a large apartment im- mediately over it-(occasionally used for public meetings, clubs, etc.) Every body helps himself at table, and, consid- ering the limited space afforded for elbow-movement, the meal is disposed of in a miraculously short space-about ten minutes sufficing to "get through" with it. Quantity rather than quality is looked for at the hands of the caterers, and they do their best to satisfy this expectation. Colos- sal joints of coarse meats already cut into slices, pyramids of potatoes, swamps of squash, and acres of collapsed cab- bages-all having received extreme unction in liquid grease-disappear as rapidly as if each boarder had made a private arrangement with Nature for a perfectly unlim- ited supply of gastric juice. A company of ostriches, dining on flat-irons, a la Umaitre d'h6tel, horse-shoes, au page: 114-115[View Page 114-115]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 114-115 "4 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF gratin, and ten-penny nails confiture, could not be less apprehen'sive of indigestion. The acknowledged mode of proceeding appears to be seizing upon the dish placed before you, and " going into" it without wasting time by looking for other condiments than those at hand. Veal preponderates over other meats-why, we don't know. Sundays are celebrated by sumptuous banquets of strong- ly-scented ham and oyster-soups-which last are provoca- tive of much emulation. For the bivalves, in addition to being of dwarfish and withered aspect, are so few in number that you might fancy them swimming round the tureen in disconsolate search for one another, and happy to be brought into companionship by the first dip of the successful boarder's spoon. On Sundays, too, a little more leisure is vouchsafed to the meal-it is not disposed of under fifteen minutes. But if you come in later, only a chaos of fragments, bones, and cold vegetables, awaits you. The landlady, her daughter, and the servants, wait at table. The first is a spare little woman, very active and alive to the main chance-so much so, indeed, that we have heard it asserted by one of her boarders, that she "would skin a flea for the hide and tallow." But this we incline to regard as a mere poetic figure of speech, as the few fleas in her establishment, so far from being flayed, are generously allowed to puncture the skins of the boarders. One thing is unanimously admitted, that Mrs. is always very kind when a boarder is sick. On the whole she is popular, and deservedly so. The lodgers are rough, careless, hard-working men, but generally good-humored and kindly, and, like most persons in humble life, always willing to assist one another when oc- casion calls for it. Mrs. ---'s daughter is a young lady of eighteen, .os- -8 3, $ o'; '*^l^-^:? ', *Y - 'p A * NEW YORK BOARDIN G-H OUSES. 115 sessing fashionable aspirations, and much admired by the good-looking young men boarders. She appears in great splendor at the yearly balls-for balls are got up at our Cheap Hotel Boarding-House-the boarders subscribing for a band, inviting their lady-friends and relations, doing every thing complete and proper, and keeping it up, too, just for all the world as though they lived m the Fifth Avenue, and owned---not worked in-down-town stores. And we don't know but that they enjoy themselves quite as much as richer folks-perhaps more, as such entertain- ments are of less frequent occurrence with them, and therefore more keenly appreciated. Any way we are sure that the big room over the bar presents a plea- santer appearance when occupied by some two hundred couples, gayly gyrating in the Schottische or Polka, than when thronged by a mob of heated, brawling, foul- mouthed, rowdy politicians. We have seen it under both aspects, and ought to know. (Our Cheap Hotel Bearding- Housoe is quite the "Headquarters" of the down-town Democracy during popular Elections. We shouldn't advise any body to try and vote any ticket but that favored by the unterrified, in the immediate vicinity.) For our portly landlord, he is a prosperous man, and apparently gets rich and stout in proportion as he grows older-wherefore we see no reason why he shouldn't rival the wealth of Astor and the bulk of Falstaff. We believe him to be a good fellow-as an act of Samaritan- ship, performed toward a sick carpenter, may testify. He kept the man at his own cost rather than send him to a hospital, and subsequently advanced the money to bury him. Yet a parting word of censure. Perhaps' some of his boarders might hold their hard-earned dol- lars more closely but for the existence of his bcar, and its facilities for drinking and card-playing. We have ,i 9 \ * page: 116-117[View Page 116-117]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 116-117 3W YORK -BOARDING-HOUSES. heard of cases in which the latter has only been aban- doned in the bar-room to be recommenced in the apart- ment of one of the gamblers, there to be continued until the rosy smile of a new-born day lit up the opposite house- tops, and reproached the haggard-faced victims for their desecration of the peaceful night. And though our Cheap Hotel Boarding-House be conducted as decently as is possible, we can yet fancy a better home for working-men than we have just described. -CHAPTER XIV. BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE THE LANDLADY DRINKS. once had three weeks' experience once had three weeks) experience of an Establishment. which can only be rightly discriminated by the above title. It happened 'in consequence of a change of dynasty bi fasiour, then, Boarding- neo, we shall puse. Woe were made over, in com- pany with a house-full of fellow-victims, to a new landlady; the former---a handsome Kentuckian-relinquishing the busi- ness for private life. The tenement was a spacious, old- fashioned one, in a street south of Canal, running west:- ward from Broadway. It had been admirably ruled under the former proprietorship. How we fared with the new, we shall proceed to relate. Mrs. - was a woman of fifty, with a flushed coun- tenance, a nose like a bulbous strawherry which had been left out in the rain so long that the color had got partially page: 118-119[View Page 118-119]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 118-119 "8 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF washed out of it; and a rheumatic husband, of feeble in- tellect and demeanor. His occupations seemed confined to befogging himself with yesterday's newspapers, open- ing the street-door upon unnecessary occasions, getting in the way of the servants when they laid the dinner, and justifying the appearance of that meal when served be- fore or behind the proper hour, by the production of a-' large silver chronometer, the veracity of which it was im- piety to question. His lady's peculiarities, however, can not be dismissed so easily. The lessee of a BoardinLg-House succeeding a popular predecessor is likely to be very closely scrutinized by her lodgers. They are apt to be suspicious of deteriorations in diet and other alterations for the worse; and, if any peg to hang complaints upon be discoverable, the new landlady will soon find abundant illustration of the truth of the copy-book proverb, that "Comparisons are Odious." In the present instance, the boarders had good reason for grumbling. Instead of the palatable soup heretofore initiative of din- ner, a liquid"abomination apparently derived from boiling dish-clouts in equal proportions of dripping and water, and subsequently flavoring with cayenne pepper and salt, was substituted. In place of goodly joints of boiled, and baked (roast is unknown in ALL Boarding-Houses), we en- tered upon an interminable prospect of over-cooked pork -that Monsieur Tonson of Boarding-House tables. Cof- fee became cloudier, tea of a more delicately resinous hue, sugar grittier, milk more calcareous, Fish of evil odor appeared. Hashes and stews began to preponderate over substantial dishes. Every thing culinary was subject to the dismalest deterioration. Added to which our landlady's behavior; at table, began to be very extraordi- * nary. NE i W VR K Y U . i ..L . . .A I D ALi - t I U S i b JU. .. She came to dinner with a very red face, and a curiously hazy appearance about the eyes, accompanied by a sort of i spasmodic wink. Her conduct while presiding was singular and disconcerting. She assisted the boarders to food in an j arbitrary and inconsistent manner, heaping some plates to an extent sufficient to satisfy the appetite of a hungry giant, while others received no more than could have been easily J disposed of by a full-grown canary. When their return hinted dissatisfaction at these proceedings, she reversed ! her blunder, indulging at the same time in a confused ard d hiccupy monologue about "people not knowing what they wanted." Her carving was odd, and productive of strangely-shaped wedges of meat h She used the big knife and fork in a-very startling manner. We have seen her Ji eat her own dinner with these utensils, subsequently wip- ing them on her sleeve. Furthermore, she occasionally evinced a preternatural liveliness, and made wild dashes at conversation, address- ing remarks about the weather to boarders at the remote end of the table, or violently requesting their approbation of the dinner. Frequently, too, she became impressed with the singular notion that certain individuals were fond j of particular dishes, and, especially, that her husband liked beans. There was a peculiarly disagreeable kind of them (which tasted like something between bees-wax and bitter aloes, and always got harder by boiling) prevalent at meals, and in spite of r. ---'s feeble disclaimations, his lady wouldd favor him with immense quantities, heap- ing them on his plate with her own fair hand, also sending the servants, with dishes full of the obnoxious vegetables, to him. Once we sawfour of these in front of the un- happy gentleman. j During these rather eccentric proceedings on the part I of our landlady, a corpulent, puffy-faced boarder, who in- page: 120-121[View Page 120-121]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 120-121 120 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF variably sat on her left hand, gradually emerged into no- tice as pre-eminently distinguished by her favor. They laughed and talked together a good deal, and at length proceeded to what might be termed ornithological en- dearments, such as chirping, and calling one another "DickJey," and even reciprocatincg chuckings under the chin. This boarder had made his appearance in the house in company with his fair friend and her husband, and was, we presume, an old acquaintance. Whispers circulated that he owned a small groggery, and took the rent out in spirits, which he and the landlady drank together. We incline to credence in that -statement. Of course, these peculiarities of conduct attracted consid- erable attention on the part of the boarders. Many were amused, some scandalized, and a few disgusted. Our land- lady's eccentricities took other out-o'-the-wayiforms, besides those enumerated. There was a certain Frenchman, who, having only been fifteen yea'rs in this country, of course, did n't understand the language, and to him, exclusively, Mrs. -- once chose to address her conversation for three successive days, over the dinner-table. She called him Jloo-soo, talked horribly dislocated English, smiled, and winked, and was, in a word, so distressingly attentive that the poor foreigner presently hit upon the idea that he was being ridiculed, confined himself to his room, had his meals brought up to him, dwelt in an atmosphere of cigarettes and unmade beds (he used to shriek at the servant if she opened the window) till his week was up, and then left. Which incident brings us to his successor, who subsequently became a prominent character in the Establishment. : Occupying the adjoining apartment, we were a little surprised on the morning after his arrival by his manner of dressing; which, apparently, consisted in putting on a ,. NEW YORIK BOARDING-HOUSES. 121 pair of creaking boots, walking about in them for half an hour, and then going through various gymnastic perfor'm. ances over chairs, accompanied by lively imitations of the cries of an entire menagerie. Subsequently, when we be- came acquainted with him, he explained these proceedings as being resorted to for the healthful development of lungs and limbs, and told us his history. He was a down- east Yankee, had traveled over three fourths of the globe, and tried an infinite variety of avocations, including prac- tice of the law, driving an omnibus, peddling stoves, edit- ing a newspaper, selling patent medicines, officiating as clerk in a dry-goods store, as Mormon preacher, and Daaguerreian artist, with much more than we can remem- ber or chronicle. He had just then returned from Cali- fornia, with some money, and the resolve to get up a big panorama of the whole of the United States, on the scale of one foot to every mile. This intention he prepared to ' put tlhrough" by papering up the lower window of the attic (it had a north light), purchasing an immense roll -- = - -.....-- page: 122-123[View Page 122-123]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 122-123 -4 122 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF of canvas, several white-wash brushes, and bucket-fulls of paint, and a barrel of turpentine. Also he cultivated the acquaintance of artists, one of whom ornamented the whole side of the room with a ghastly cartoon person- / ating Cholera as a gigantic, demonized skeleton, flying at the spectator with extended arms, which so appalled the servants (it was during the prevalence of the pestilence in 1849) that complaint was carried to the landlady. She had the room white-washed, but with indifferent effect, for the plaster being laid on but sparingly, the figure still loomed up, awfully, beneath it. Our neighbor, in pursuance of his panorama project, found it necessary to decorate his room with all sorts of prints from newspapers, books, magazines, etc., in the short space of a week converting the sides of the apart- ment into an extemporaneous picture-gallery. Moreover he took to fancying animals, and brought home a couple of monkeys and a bull-terrier. These, however, he did not succeed in domesticating. After a combined attack upon a stout Irish chambermaid, in which one of the monkeys sprang upon her shoulders, while the terrier seized her by the' ancle-from which he was with difficulty detached-our friend gave up his pets, and, subsequently, the dog bit one of his companions' heads off. These proceedings, and a habit of sliding down stairs on the hand-rail, brought our neighbor into antagonism with the landlady. He received notice to quit. Consid- ering himself an aggrieved person, his last week's sojourn was especially devoted to the development of Mrs. -- 's peculiar wealiness. He produced bottles of champagne at dinner, and induced her and the puffy-faced boarder to partake of more than was good for them-a highly un- necessary proceeding. He strove to draw them out in conversation, addressing them in lengthy and flowery NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 123 speeches; frequently-when they were very far gone-of i a fearfully incongruous and nonsensical description. As thus: he would ask Mrs. , in a perfectly grave. manner, whether she was aware that All the World was Sad and Dreary everywhere he Roamed, ,and that O! Darkies, how His Heart grew Weary, now that Forty- Nine Right-Angled Triangles had combined with?hos- phate of Pickled Salmon to derange the Equilibrium of the Tropic of Capricorn! at which she would smile and look edified. The effect on the other boarders m page: 124-125[View Page 124-125]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 124-125 124 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF instigating colored females of disreputable appearance to call for the puffy-faced boarder during his absence, and instructing them to leave insultingly familiar messages about wanting him to come round to Pete's on the Points "as there was gwine to be a hop." Of getting a heavy box containing several bricks and a dead cat forwarded, from Boston, to the landlady, per express, carriage un- paid. And, also, of offering, per letter, in Mrs.--'s name, to adopt advertised babies, requesting their owners to bring them to her residence (at dinner time) for the purpose of inspection. We have seen three women sitting together in the fiont parlor, each with a baby and an epistle purporting to be from our landlady-describing herself as " a childless widow." But, perhaps, a still more unjustifiable trick celebrated this unscrupulous boarder's departure. AMost readers are aware that all vendors of patent medicines, and such articles as appeal to the infirmities of mankind are eager for testimonials of cure--especially when authorized to publish them. This fact our expelled neighbor availed himself of. He wrote-again in Mrs. 's name--to upward of a score of well-known nos- trum-mongers, graciously intimating that they might make what use they pleased with the communications. Next J week's Sunday papers contained accounts how our land- lady had been afflicted with every conceivable malady that flesh is heir to, even from her earliest years to the time that she obtained convalescence from ---'s pills, balsam, bitters, trusses, etc., etc.-as the case might be. There were even testimonials in regard to an admirably serviceable wooden leg, and eulogiums of a Broadway perruquier in grateful acknowledgment of his unguent having clothed " a totally denuded scalp" with flowing ringlets. Our landlady's fury that morning was fearful to look upon. NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 125 - She took to drinking worse than before, and became morbidly suspicious of every body. This, incidentally, in- duced our departure. We, being;at dinner one day, hap- pened to whisper to a fellow-boarder something provocative of a smile, when Mrs. -- fancied we were blaspheming the victuals, waylaid us in the passage, and requested us to find another Boarding-House. We did so. There were very few boarders remaining at the time of our de- parture, and we believe the Establishment resulted in a financial smash shortly afterward. l ,ll . o page: 126-127[View Page 126-127]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 126-127 CHAPTER XV. OF THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHOSE LANDLADY LIKES TO BE ILL-USED. IT IS is a smallish, four-storied edifice in a wide street, des- tined ere long to form a thoroughfare only second in business importance to Broadway--we don't care to particularize it more closely. Like its neighbors, it has a plain front of brown cement, and displays modest green blinds at each of its eight windows. A small oval brass plate on the door bears the simple inscription "Mrs. -." She is the landlady. A small woman with .lightish hair and not too much of it, its abnormal color being by no means improved by so indiscriminate an application of dye that the central part of her scalp is palpably purple. An ,Englishwoman by birth, a widow by condition. Mother, also, of a sturdy, self-willed boy, who gives lively promise of developing into that agreeable style of New York youth prone to loaf round corner groceries nocturnally, there to indulge in the. elights of bad cigars and blasphemy. Mrs. -- has kept a Boarding-House for upward of twelve or fifteen years, yet makes comparatively successful NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 127 attempts at juvenility. She-is such a little woman you would, inevitably, under-reckon her age. Were you un- gallant enough to ask it, she would simper a good deal and tell you to guess. Probably she is midway between thirty and forty. Her Establishment is not a large one, and pretty well dieted, its faults lying chiefly on the side of uncleanliness. The little widow bestows so much time on her own per- sonal adornment, that she has n't any to devote to the nicer details of house-keeping. But we have already de- scribed a Dirty Boarding-House par excellence and shall say no more on that head. The present Establishment de- mands our attention in consequence of the peculiar rela- tions which, in our time, existed between the landlady and certain of her boarders-especially one. He was a Pet .Boarder. We. have incidentally alluded to this ob- noxious species before. It was here that we first learned the extent of the power sometimes exercised by them. He-the Pet--was a heavy-looking man of fifty, with a countenance resembling an ugly rhinoceros, black hair, square face, and sullen physiognomy. The boarders said he'd been an overseer-or, as they termed it, slave-driver- down South, nacd there were whispers that he got his living in New York at the gaming table. This might, or might not, have been true, but he certainly appeared to have no ostensible avocation, and came home at all sorts of unexpected hours -of the day and night. Ordinarily, when in presence of other boarders, he manifested great taciturnity--being well aware that they hated himn-but would relax toward new arrivals, who, however, always went over to the opposition in a week or two-as soon as they found out that he was a Pet Boarder. How it came to pass we never, thoroughly, understood. Certainly not in consequence of his gallantry, prepossess- page: 128-129[View Page 128-129]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 128-129 128 THE PHYSIOLOGY 'O F' ing appearance, or amiability of disposition. He was ill- bred, ill-mannered, and ill-tempered. He never vouchsafed (at least before others) any courtesy--not to say indi- - cation of tenderness-toward the landlady. On the con- trary, he was generally rude, frequently sulky, sometimes brutal, and often made her cry. And this, we think, gives us the key to unlock the mystery. There is a species of spaniel-like women who are never so happy as when ill-used. We only state the fact, with- out endeavoring to explain it. Perhaps they see in the petty despot of every-day life what they themselves wzould be, had they courage-what they care to still weaker per- sons. Apparently extracting a diseased happiness from the consciousness of their own abasement, they seem will- ing to accept, with slavish gratitude, some churlishly- granted favor as a quittance in full for a month's brutality. Of this order was our little landlady. Other particulars evidenced it as well as her peculiar position toward the Pet Boarder. To stand high in her good graces it was necessary either to get deeply in her debt, or to treat her, on all occasions, with uniform discourtesy and insult. Pay up regularly, you were but an ordinary, unpleasantly-inde- pendent boarder; get in debt, or lead ydur landlady a dog's life-so to speak-sometimes throwing her a crumb of compliment, and you became, in a manner, privileged. She depreciated you in private, to be sure, and told every Lody that you owed her money, but she had a secret lik- ing for you, for havcing afforded her that pleasure. Several eminently gentlemanly boarders, by adopting this principle of action, obtained uniformly more of atten- tion and comfort than ourself, and other punctually-paying blockheads. Some had been her debtors for a couple of, years or more. She 'was accustomed to relate their pri- v: NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES, 129 vate histories, telling how, when prosperous, they had deserted her's for more stylish Boarding-Houses-" her's was n't good enough for 'em then, but they were always glad to come back to where they had credit." For a long time it was supposed\ that one of these-a good-looking young fellow-possessed a place in her affections, as his evenings were generally spent in her company and the front basement, but this was 'before the advent of the Pet proper. We have also a lively recollection of our land- lady's emotion on parting with another amiable defaulter, on the occasion of his going West. He kissed her, and promised to remit his outstanding account in weekly in- stallments-which, however, abruptly ceased after the in- itial payment. She, in consequence, took to writing long and diffuse letters-which were passed round and read by the boarders before transmission-to his employers, wherein she requested them to "champion the widow and fatherless," and to " stop it out of his wages.7"Both of these boarders were favorites in their degree, as Wtere two others who merit particular description. We believe they paid up punctually, yet succeeded in ill-treating little -- to that extent necessary to attain her affection. One, a small, bushy-whiskered Londoner, partial to billiards, and afast town-life generally, even maintained a sort of rivalry with the Pet. His low, quaint humor, and great powers of irritation, sometimes enabled him to prove a perfect little fiend to the landlady. He abbrevi- ated her name in an insulting manner, abused her cook- ery, spoke of her defunct husband--of whom a picture hung in the dining-room-as ," that fellow," "that mu-,', etc., and bribed her son to watch, defy, and slander his mother. This course of conduct naturally endeared him to Mrs. -- . He was invited to visit her in the front basement, which courtesy he would scornfully reject, pre- g - * S page: 130-131[View Page 130-131]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 130-131 130 THE PHYSIOLOGY' OF ferring unsolicited descents when he knew the Pet was there, and his own presence undesirable. Him he would "chaff" in a cool, malignant manner, for hours, attributing X the meanest motives to his desire for the landlady's favor, and goading him, by accusations of parsimony, into send- ing out for oysters and beer, which, when they arrived, he wouldn't partake of. Mrs. - used to fret and fidget on these occasions, and sometimes go out into the passage to cry, but the Londoner always sat his opponent out, if he had to remain till one in the morning. Speaking of these delicate little attentions, we are re- minded of certain traditions relative to a boarder preced- ing our advent. ais mode of coercing (and, consequently, winning the regard of) Mrs. --, would appear to have been persistent reproach and crimination of her character. He unceasingly taunted her about her " paramours," and called her " an inefficient man-trap." Once he is said to have greatly distinguished himself by the unprovoked: mixing-up, mashing, and general demolition of her gastro-x nomic preparations for New Year's day. We are credibly informed that she cooked a special supper, that night, for him, in consequence. But to return to our cotemporaries. The other boarder spoken of as holding a place in Mrs. -- 's estimation, was also an Englishman, though- not a cockney. (The parent country happened to be extensively represented in Mrs. --'s establishment.) He was the greatest " swell" we have ever encountered. He had his hair curled and scented, sported elaborately-embossed shirt-fronts, frills and ruffles, wore studs, pins, brooches, rings, and knick- knacks innumerable, and generally appeared with a rivulet of watch-chain gushing from a horticulturally-embellished vest. In pronunciation he eschewed the letter R, instat- ing W in its place, which, in conjunction with a hoarse NEW ORK BOAR DI NG- OUSES. 131 voice, and a loud, gasping laugh, had a singular effect. He used to swear at the landlady. You 'd find her in tears in the parlor, and be informed how "- - had abused 'her." Be but rash enough to sympathize, she 'd threaten him with your championship, and get you into a row. This occurred once, in connection with an artist- friend of ours. He, by-the-by, painted a portrait of the landlady (in payment for outstanding board) and could never make it handsome enough to please her. The sit- tings were great occasions. Little Mrs. -- would attire herself, like Viliken's Dinah, " in gorgeous array" (which was particularlylnecessary, only her face being required), and thus sit in state, languishing, smirking, smiling, and generally conducting herself as a sick kitten under the in- fluence of laughing gas might be supposed to do-in the front parlor, for whole summer mornings, the artist and a looker-on or two alternately complitnenting her, and cut- ting jokes at her expense. She subsequently drove the former from the house by persistent requests that he would , touch up" the portrait a little, and make -it look lovelier. page: 132-133[View Page 132-133]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 132-133 132 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF We suppose no little woman in the world ever had a larger share of approbativeness. She expected all the male boarders to admire her, and disliked them if they didn't. She was full of little jealousies and petulances, spitefully resentful of attentions shown to lady-boarders, and addicted to slandering them in a weak manner. She was intolerant of jocular conversation at table, and would snappishly request her boarders "not to talk nonsense." She had a more than feminine curiosity about every thing and every body. We shall not easily forget her indigna- tion on one of the lady-boarder's leaving and getting mar- ried, without previously informing her. She assumed a weak-tea sort of religion, which did n't prevent her from being inordinately sly, on her own account, and generally uncharitable in her judgment of others. And this, too, -in spite of her own equivocal position with regard to the Pet Boarder-who was a married man. After some month's residence on his own part, he brought his wife to the house. She, a tall, pale, cold-fillet- of-veal-looking woman (we snatch the simile from Dickens, for nothing else will convey our exact meaning), never looked happy, and was very much pitied by other board- ers. Our landlady used to simper in an inane, compas- sionate manner about her, and call her poor Mrs. -. She thought her an invalid, and likely to die soon. Only on one occasion do we remember the Pet Boarder's wife smiling, and how this came about shall be narrated. Her husband, as has been stated, was detested by other boarders. Readers who have had practical experience of the quiet, omnipresent despotism established by Pet Boarders-how they influence every thing, from the choice of a dinner to the landlady's courtesy (or want of it)- how they directly, or indirectly, contrive to c" serve out" those who refuse to bow to their authority--will readily / :N:EW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 133 understand this. There were plenty of minor feuds in this Boarding-House-as there are in all such-but war to the knife (and fork) was the unanimous sentiment against the Pet. The smaller manifestations of this generally consisted in rapidly disposing of the contents of dishes to which he was known to be partial, or passing them to re- mote ends of the table; admiring, Uncle Tom's Cabin ;" turning the conversation on the immorality of gambling; doubting the accuracy of his watch, and pooh-poohing his opinions on every possible subject. When, therefore, he brought home a small dog, its owner's name was at once bestowed upon the animal, and a jocular fiction established as to its paternity. But the proverb about presenting a dog with a bad name was not carried out-the animal being rather a favorite than otherwise. And one evening, at the supper-table, the artist (who sat precisely opposite the Pet) took this dog on his lap, permitting him to dispose of a half-saucer full of milk full in the truculent face of his enraged owner. It was simply an absurd incident, but comprised as complete a defiance of the Pet's authority as Tell's knocking the hat of Gesler off the pole. The boarders saw it in that light. The Londoner laughed sharp and cynically, his friend of the frills and the rings burst out into a great haw-haw, an ordinarily stolid printer, after inflaming his face until it assumed the color of a newly-cut slice of beet, exploded in a roar, his good-hu- mored little wife tittered, and even the wan countenance of the Pet's better half lighted up with the semblance of a smile. Finally, a universal grin flashed round the table. This produced a climax. The Pet leaped to his feet and darted, scowling, from the room. And the landlady, gliding behind the offender's chair with an aspect of con- centrated fury, necked the dog and bore him vengefully into the passage. By the shrill yelps he uttered during page: 134-135[View Page 134-135]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 134-135 134 NEW TORK BOABDING-HOUSES. the brief transit, we should judge that she pinched him considerably. The Pet Boarder kept his room for full three weeks in consequence of this. Our landlady took meals to himh in advance of the regular ones, and we sometimes heard him growling at her fr- not having selected precisely what he wanted. The boarders felt intense, though silent satis- faction-but their triumph was short-lived. One by one they began to disappear, some quitting in accordance with their own inclinations (accelerated by Mrs. ----'s tem- per), others receiving intimations that their rooms were "wanted." It became evident that the Pet had re- solved upon weeding the house of all who were obnox- ious to his power. We were among the earliest to quit. Since that time we have learned that the Pet has left. Occasionally we meet our former landlady on Broadway. She has a high color and dresses very gayly. We suspect that she rouges with less discretion than of old. But whether other Pets have succeeded the former one- whether her Establishment is conducted on the same prin- ciples now as then-or, indeed, whether it is in existence, we are at present ignorant. CHAPTER XVI. OF A TIP-TOP BOARDING-HOISE. F at any time during the perusal of the foregoing Chapters we have sunk in. our reader's esti- mation, as manifesting a sus- picious familiarity with the dirty side of human nature, we con- fidently expect that the present one will redeem our character. There can be nothing vulgar to chronicle of the Establishment now. claiming attention. We especially plume ourself on having lived in it. Whenever inclined'to depreciate, and to think small-beer of ourself, we turn to that page of memory's volume upon which the de- tails are recorded, glance admiringly over them, and hold up our head elate with the consciousness that we had Two Months' Experience of a Tiptop Up-town Boarding- House. It is situate in a due north-easterly direction from Mad- ison Square, being one of a row of sober-brown houses forming the side of the street which connects two avenues. They are large, stylish, pretentious mansions (at the time of our sojourn yet damp from recent erection), with much ornamental iron work on either side of their heavy flights page: 136-137[View Page 136-137]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 136-137 136 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF of stone steps, balconies running the length of the entire row, and windows, cornices, and lintels, of a highly ornate description. Each individual tenement so strongly resem- bles its neighbors that you can't help fancying that similar locks must have been fitted to the doors, and on coming home at nights, are distrustful of unintentionally effecting an entrance into the wrong domicile. The lady proprietresses-for there are two, to whom you obtain an introduction through the medium of a mutual acquaintance-only admit a new boarder after the severest scrutiny as to references and respectability. Their Estab- lishment is eminently aristocratic, so much so, indeed, that its gentility verges on the awful, from very intensity. You are supposed to imagine any amount of applicants lingering Peri-like at the portal, to be deeply conscious of your own superior happiness in obtaining ingress, and to deport yourself with equal reverence and humility both toward the house and its mistresses. Which ladies de- serve, here, further description. They are sisters, the elder a widow of five-and-forty, the younger her junior by a few years, and unmarried. Both may be considered good-looking, though their physiognomy is of that sharp-black-eyed, aquiline-nosed, thin-lipped order one prefers to think of in connection with Lady Macheth and other unpleasantly-dramatic females, rather than to desire its presence as a household companion. Perhaps Mrs. -- is the handsomer, matri- mony having operated to mollify and tone down the severity of her aspect and temper. Her defunct husband -there is a portrait of him hanging in the sitting-room, representing a square-faced man of bilious complexion, and generally over-shaved appearance--is understood to have officiated as United States Consul to the court of Jonker Afrikaner, or some equally important potentate, NEW YOREK BOARD'ING-HOUSES. 137 and his relict assumes immense dignity in consequence. (She tells you how he endeavored to import a couple of hippopotami who died on the passage.) She is a tall, upright figure, and generally dresses in black velvet, iwhich does n't tend to relieve the depressing effect of her * toztcrnure. Her sister has, apparently, settled down to the grim- mest and most uncompromising spinsterhood. She wears her hair pulled violently back after that peculiar French- Chinese fashion, which seems to possess such great attrac- tions to all women whose faces it does z't suit, is partial to exuberant crizoline, to botany, and to her nephew. He is a small, but lofty-souled young gentleman of three- and-twenty, afflicted with a weakness of the eyes and knees, a desire to become a great public character, and an overpowering sense of his own importance, and that of the family. The house is handsomely furnished throughout, exceed- ing in display the Establishment described in Chapter Five. Conmbining the probable expense of this with'a . presumably high rent, we were, at first, somewhat at a loss to conceive how Mrs. -- and her sister (who were spoken of as being comparatively unprovided for at the demise of the African ConsuD, had contrived to commence business in so dashing a way;: but the mystery was subse- quently explained to us. Among the boarders, we re- miarked, as especially intimate with the lady proprietresses, *a short, black-whiskered, high-complexioned, crisp-looking man of fifty, who owned houses and lots on more than one of the avenues, dealt in land and building specula- tions, and was generally reputed to be very wealthy. He, so we were privately informed, had advanced the necessary funds. Perhaps, indeed, the entire Establishment was a "'speculation" of his. ' . i page: 138-139[View Page 138-139]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 138-139 138 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF If so, to all appearance it was a successful one. The majority of the boarders were affluent, or desirous of seeming so, and willing to pay for that privilege. Mrs. --- (who, in virtue of her widowhood, assumed the part of landladypar excellence) professed a more than Mrs. Gen- eral-like contempt for money, making her sister collect " the bills, and occasionally using her as a pecuniary Jor- kins; yet it was advisable to have a very definite under- standing as to terms, or you would, invariably, find little ( extras" crowding into your weekly accounts--to dispute which, with a lady of Miss --'s dignity and antecedents, was really a formidable undertaking. You might, with as much consistency, have submitted a question of absent shirtrbuttons to Mrs. Siddons, or suggested to Zenobia, when in reduced circumstances, the propriety of taking in washing. There were upward of five-and-thirty boarders, over half of which number appertained to families who pre- ferred this mode of residence on the score of fashion or- convenience. The wives had mostly made feeble attempts at housekeeping subsequent to marriage, and finding themselves as much at home in it as a kangaroo in a diving-bell, had " given up" in despair, declaring that do- mestic duties were "a real plague," and "those Irish enough to worry any body's life out." The husbands-de- voted to business and money-getting-could scarcely miss what few of them had experienced-a home-and per- haps preferred confining their domestic expenses to def- inite weekly or monthly payments. So the gentlemen were satisfied, the ladies relieved of the trouble of house- keeping, and the children sent to school at an early age, where they took the initiatory steps toward becoming as hap y and as useful members of society as their parents. WAe only remember one in connection with the Tip-Top N:EW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES, 139 Boarding-House-a pretty but horribly-spoiled little g,I: the daughter of a good-looking widow, who was, herltr somewhat of a character. She possessed an estate on Staten Island, but preferred New York during the winter from mingled motives- economy and love of flirtation. She lived-with her child and servant-in an attic, had a remarkably sweet voice, a $700 diamond necklace, and a mild penchant for herrings, cheese, and brandy and water-as we judged from olfactory testimony on going up-stairs nocturnally. She was of plump, buxom figure, yet so much disposed to X deprecate her general tendency to jollity of appearance that upon our alluding to the double-chimnyness probably awaiting her, she actually tied her head up in a handker. chief for a day or two to repress it! She precipitated herself from violent fiiendships with lady-boarders to the very opposite extreme of the social compass. Her viva- cious temperament impelled her to the utterance of loosely-generous promises-which she was very chary of redeeming. (We remember her rashly volunteering a $100 wedding-dress to a lady-boarder, in order to get off from p aying a forfeit pizlocpena, and being in a state of great apprehension subsequently in case it might be looked for.) She-in common with most widows--pro. fessed an indifference toward further experience of mat- rimony, but cavaliers of about the age of her eldest son used to call upon her. Sometimes she had rows with the servants on their objecting to tell gratuitous fibs about her not being "at home" to these gentlemen. Indeed she was continually in hot water, having contracted an unlucky habit of tattling herself into scrapes. We were present during an altercation between her and a longi. tudinal Scotchman (engaged in the wholesale liquor busi- ness) in which she expressed a desire to bite off his nose ; *i no11" page: 140-141[View Page 140-141]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 140-141 "O THE PHYSIOLOGY OF and afterward offered, over the supper-table, a reward of $100 to any body who'd cow-hide him. In the language of " porting" men, there were no takers. Withal, Mrs. -- could be very agreeable when she pleased-as the landlady remarked, privately. And then she was very good-looking. The remaining boarders comprised an equal number of single young ladies and gentlemen, many of the former having quitted their parents' homes " because it was dull," or for some equally excellent reason. Had you hinted to them the possibility of clanger from being brought into contact with men of unknown, and perhaps not irreproachable characters, though of stylish exterior, they would have laughed, and Mrs. -- grown indig- nant.. As well fancy a Tombs lawyer obtaining admission into heaven as such an individual into her establishment. It was an up-town, patent-polished, carved and gilt edition of Eden, only people dressed in better taste, got up balls, and had a greater variety of dishes for dinner. Yet we have heard some of the gentlemen boarders converse among themselves-and about the young ladies, too-in a manner not compatible with the strictest propriety. But, to do the ladies justice, they appeared able to take care of themselves. Prominent among bachelor-boarders was a bushy- whiskered man of forty--young, therefore, only by cour- tesy--for, in addition to his age, he was prematurely Lald. Yet he achieved prodigious popularity among the ladies, whether married or single, especially the former. I-e had an elaborate foppishness of manner, an air of grave, confiding gallantry; and would utter solemn plati- tudes with an accent of such impressive sincerity as to con- vince any feminine listener that he was the most tender, most susceptible, most excellent, most gentlemanly of NEW YORKE BOARDING-H O USES. j 141 mortals. Privately, he was the loosest talker in the community. This gentleman, if we recollect aright, in company with a couple of lady-boarders, originated what might be termed a Mutual-Admiration-and-Matrimony-Promoting Society, to which one especial evening in each week was devoted. The club-for so it was called-also met at the residences of outside -members-chiefly Boarding- Houses. We were not honored by a fellowship, though present on several of these interesting reunions. The company assembled at about an hour and a half after din- - ner'-say eight o'clock--and having transacted the more important business (such as going over the minutes of- the preceding meeting, balloting for new members, etc.) i within closed doors, admitted the uninitiated to the suc- - ceeding festivities. These generally commenced by the * ladies and gentlenlen reading passages from the poets, or essays of their own composition, on subjects previously dictated to them by the chairman-our bushy-whiskered friend before spoken of. He had but a feeble imagina- tion, and would set ladies to writing scathing denuncia- tions of the use of tobacco (he could n't smoke, and was consequently "down on" the weed), and gentlemen to disquisitions on the relative tendencies of the works of Tennyson and Tupper. Sometimes we had recitations and once a male boarder favored us with[a dismal "Ode i to the Memory of the Pilgrim Fathers," five newspaper columns in length (he got it inserted, subsequently, in a country journaD, and was so complimented by the chair- man--who manifested anger at seeing members whisper- ii ing with the girls instead of listening-that he promised :: to write another, and might have done so had not some judicious friend stolen his rhymingdictionary. Our chief made but one attempt at distinguishing himself, when he page: 142-143[View Page 142-143]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 142-143 "2 . THE PHYSIOLOGY OF essayed to read liawatha, broke down most signally over the hard Indian names, and sulked for the remainder of the evenimg, all the coaxing of the ladies proving insuf- ficient to restore his good-humor. The Society was more successful in the musical portion of its entertainments, for many of the ladies played bril- liantly and sang vociferously. And a gentleman of poetic aspect-which is to say, having long, dark hair, and re- versed shirt-collars (he was in the express business down town)-accompanied himself upon the guitar. He had a good deal of fun in him in spite of his exterior, and used to sing a HooUlike Serenade of his own composition, in a manner that brought tears into the eyes of the fair audi- tors, who declared it " beautiful," and demanded copies for their albums.* * In case lady-readers may be desirous of following their example, the poem is here subjoined, by special permission of the author. Music publishers are herewith presented with a gratis copyright. TruNB-the Dead March in La Gazza Ladra, played rapidly. O Lady, wake I the tuneful fox Is twittering in the emerald sky- The star-fish 'gainst thy casement knocks; And in thy chamber, fluttering nigh The taper's flame, with silken wing, The fragile penguin circles round, While, luridly, night's shadows fling A ruddy darkness on the ground. O'er the Campagna's bursting waves The giraffe whistles wild and shrill, While her small beak the simoom laves Within the azure daffodil. Sweet influences below, above, An Iris-tinted clamor make- All wooing forth my lady-love To walk abroad. O Lady, wake I NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 143 But such diversions, though presumably the ones for which the Club was established, proved infinitely less attractive than-the dance and game of romps or forfeits -instituted after a general failure in an attempt at acting charades-which always terminated the evening's enter- tainments. We must say we enjoyed Blindman's Buff immensely in the Tip-Top Boarding-House, not to speak of Hunt-the-Slipper and Fox-and-Geese-the title of which last, by-the-by, might have suggested, to a cynic, an omin- ous moral. Both ladies and gentlemen, single and married, "' went in" for these sports with such ardor as to provoke an occasional remonstrance on the part of the spinster proprie- tress. (There was, in truth, a mild conspiracy to keep her at piano-duty.) A sense of delicacy so nice as to constrain, its possessor to the substitution of the words " stepper", or "walker" for a turkey's leg, at dinner (it is our belief that I Miss -- would have suffered martyrdom rather than - have used that vulgar substantive) could scarcely fail to I receive an incidental shock or so. And the -ladies and v gentlemen did romp considerably. So much so that I sometimes a husband exhibited symptoms of jealousy-- which was, surely, very unreasonable, as he had an oppor- " : tunity of paying attention to other ladies, and could any thing be fairer? At all events, Mrs. -- could n't help it if ladies would 1 flirt. She thought prudery uncalled-for in her Establish- ment. No ill thing was there to be guarded against. As ' for such little incidents as a male boarder making love to a married lady who had recently quitted, and was then - engaged in getting a divorce from her husband, why, they : were, of course, perfectly proper.* : * Apropos of this, we have met so many divorced ladies in Board- . ing-Houses as to be almost inclined to infer a mysterious connexion and sympathy between them. Let no reader rashly venture to contradict - ,'r i page: 144-145[View Page 144-145]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 144-145 "4 THE PEIYSI OLOGY OF Yet a circumstance did occur which proves that scarcely any amount of precaution can preserve the very cream of society from being ruffled by extraneous flies. We do not allude to the atrocious case of the miscreant of gentle- manly exterior, who boarded for five weeks--and indeed comported himself every way in an unobjectionable man- ner, but subsequently proved to be an actor-to the im- mense disgust and indignation of the lady proprietresses. (Their son and nephew, by-the-by-the weak-eyed young gentleman before alluded to-threatened to kick the offender wherever he met him, but we haven't heard of the recontre coming off yet.) The incident, as nar- rated to us (it chanced a little before our. time), happened as follows: There came, ostensibly from New Orleans, a handsome dashing lady, with a French title, who, taking up her res- idence at our Establishment-we presume she had a letter of introduction, or rs. -- would n't have admitted her--speedily excited quite a'fcreur of admiration among the male boarders. She smiled so sweetly, talked so affa- bly, had such a piquant foreign .accent, such delicious cnaive ways, that all the gentlemen adored her, and brought home bouzquets and opera tickets innumerable. The ladies, too, though naturally disposed to contemn a pretty woman, could not resist her stories of the Empress E'ugenie, and the Parisian court. They consulted her about the fashions, and were emulous of her company on Broadway. The bushy-whiskered boarder presented her wmith a lap-dog, and wanted her to read Racine to the Society. The weak-eyed young gentleman put himself us on the strength of his individual experience. He mayn't have k:nown the true position of his fair co-boarders. Half the ladies who are compelled (of course by, the villainy of their husbands) to effect a divorce, immediately sink antecedents and start as Misses. NEW YORK BOARDING-tHOUSES. 145 through a severe course of French in order to pay her compliments in her native language. Even Mrs. --- re- Ilaxed her dignity toward her pretty boarder--and told- her in confidence divers particulars as to the habits and -I dispositions of the gentlemen. Which, as subsequently appeared, she turned to advantage. Presently, however, awful rumors came to ear, of her ! being seen with gentlemen on the avenues, in fast-going buggies, and at theatres. It was remarked that tiough she had a large circle of male acquaintances, no lady visit- ors ever called upon her. Certain milliners and dress- makers, to whom she had become known through the medium of the boarders, began to complain of large out- standing debts. She occasionally disappeared for a week or so, avowedly on journeys to Washington, where, she said, she had fiiends. Finally Mrs. -- met her, one- evening,in Broadway, in company with one of the mar- ried gentlemen boarders, disguised?izn male costume. 1- ' I. , 5Afuo rotkpcicnqeein hc h: A furious row took place in consequence, n which the 7 z ^ . ;; page: 146-147[View Page 146-147]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 146-147 "65 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. Frenchwoman made use of language-as Mrs. -- de- clared-absolutely unmentionable. The crisp-looking capi- talist had to be called in to effect her removal. Two days afteirward another gentleman (not the one who had as- sisted at the promenade a la Amazon, but also a married man), deserted his wife to join her. They sailed for Havana by that week's steamer. And, from some re- marks dropped on our arrival, we fancy that nearly all the male boarders had been privately and extensively victim- ized in the way of loans to the lady. 'f .: CHAPTER XVII. THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE13 YOU'RE EXPECTED TO MAKEE "OVE TO THE LANDLADY, one Establishment which possessed this character- istic in an imperfectly de- veloped degree, but until Destiny, foreseeing our present task, guided us to the abode we are about to describe, never had we beheld it in full com- pleteness. As it was the dominant peculiarity, we , so entitle the Chapter. The landlady in ques- tion was a large widow, . her house' a moderately-sized, timber-framed one, some distance up-town, in a side street, leading off from one of the avenues. Close by were handsome mansions of free- stone and granite, presenting a genuine New York con- trast to the unpretending tenement, which, with a couple of neighboring houses, stood modestly back some dozen yards or so from the line of the newly built street, the space thus gained being laid out as gardens. Altogether f page: 148-149[View Page 148-149]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 148-149 "8 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF the spot was unique in its way, and but for the clatter of the passing cars you might have fancied it rather out-ol- town-ish. The widow had lived there some years before commencing keeping a Boarding-House. We should scarcely have fancied it a favorable locality for one, but Boarding-Houses in New York are like dust in summer and mud in winter--everywhere. The place was recommended to us by a recent inmate, notwithstanllding the circumstance of his having quitted it in disgirace, in consequence' of the perpetration of a wretched pun over the breakfast table. (He'had alluded to the "Tragic Siezws" in connection with sausages.) The landlady was very sensitive and would n't overlook the, offense. He also thought of getting married,!which act of presumption she highly resented, considering her boarders' allegiance as due to herself alone. Thus forewarned, we became an inmate of the widow's domicile. Just then we were desirous of a quiet abode, hlaving considerable literary labor on hand. NVe did the Parisian correspond- ence for two Sunday papers, supplied a third with a thrilling local rolnance" (entitled the Ghouls of Gotalll, or the Magnanimous Manglewoman and the Blood- Stained Shirt), wrote testimonials for five patent medi- cines, rhyming advertisements for a puffing tailor, and also composed tracts for a religions Society.* We found things pretty satisfactory. The house was neatly furnished and very cleanly, the diet of endurable qual- ity, and not worse cooked than we naturally expected in a them. thecm. NEW YORK BO'ARDING-H-OUSES. 149 Boarding-House, the landlady good-humored (especially toward a new boarder), and there were no children, the youngest resident being a lad of thirteen. Mrs. -- had a family of five, three of whom were yet inmates of their mother's dwelling. We shall speak of them presently, our immediate attentions being due to the lady. She was a:- fat, jolly-looking, sun-flower of a woman, a little over forty, and had doubtless been a showy beauty in her day, which the fact of her having contracted avery early marriage also corroborated. Of course, being the mistress of a Boarding-House, she had seen better days. Her husband, according to his widow's account, was a speculative builder, whose various enterprises had ter- minated in lbankruptcy, before 'the word had become ssynollymous with assigning a few cool thousands over to a relative, ignoring one's debts, and making a fresh start il life. He, she said, had adcored her, and would relate plenty of instances of his affection ; giving you to under- stand that when lhe dlied her heart was broken into so many bits that she did n't care about trying to rivet them together ; and the " fount of her tears sealed up." Which probably cxplaiined her present lively and somewhat selfish zest for existence.. There are women on lwhom it's unsafe to bestow too - much affection; who maybe petted like lap-dogs, into becoming nuisances to themselves and the community, Our landlady was of this kind, and we're inclined to think her husband had helped to spoil her. All her character- istics-ostensibly genial and jolly ,enough-radiated from' one center of unconscious egotism. , She believed herself to be a very plhoenix of widows'-the most unselfish, warm-hearted, and undeservedly persecuted of mortals. (The latter in consequence of the reverse of fortune fol- lowing her husband's bankruptcy.) IW t she had gone - -- - ' . - page: 150-151[View Page 150-151]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 150-151 150 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF through '" nobody could have any idea of." All the world had behaved shamefully to her, and if she forgave it, 'twas only in virtue of her angelic nature. As with the past, so with the present. A long arrear of comfort being due, it was her duty to take it out as energetically as possible. She had a right to expect things to be " made easy" now, and that every body, especially her children, should immo- late themselves to her. Her remaining characteristics were congenial. She had a good appetite, and went to church twice every Sunday, on the principle of securing snug quarters in the next world as well as the present. She was vehement in lier likes and dislikes, generally expressing herself in a violent and explosive manner. She got unnecessarily enthusiastic or denunciatory on the smallest provocation, and if you didn't tune your humor by hers, was offended. When pleased, she laughed inordinately; when angry, became red in the face and assumed-an inflated appearance, which, in a lady of her size, was undesirable. Only by makinglove to her--hot, strong, and frequent-could you secure and retain her gpod graces. We were rather amazed, at first (despite our friend's information), at the extent to which this rule appeared to be practiced. Mrs. -- presiding at the head of the table in a rich plum-colored dress-she specially affected such tints as made her look larger and hotter-sat blush- ing and blooming like a big cabbage-rose, or over-blown peony, while half a dozen men vied with each other during the intervals of mastication, in affected rivalries and rhap- sodies on the subject of her charms. The enthusiastic, the jocular, the hopeless, the matter-of-fact, the jealous lover each found a representative; each part being cari- catured to the utmost capacity of tht actor. We soon found it was a recognized institution, and as much looked- NEW YORK BOARDIi G-HOUSES. 151 for on the part of Mrs. -- as one's weekly payments. She would as willingly have pretermitted the one as-the other. Unless you had a morbid inclination for indifferent commons, short answers, and sulky glances, you straight- way followed suit and played your best trump cardsof compliment. You couldn't blaze away too hot or heavily; nor need you be over choice as to the quality of your ammunition. Be sentimental, comic, serious, what you would-suit your-e self-only recollect you were expected to be in love with Mrs. --, and to talk accordingly. (We went in for the gloomy and sardonic, and were considered eminently sue- cessful in that line.) Every body had his role. You couldn't get along at all, without complying. And, as '" in a multitude of counselors there is safety," so, among a host of burlesque admirers each one may comfort him- self with the thought that there's little danger of his in- dividual victimization. Had not this impression been uni- versal woe might have been staggered at the daring of gentlemen boarders. In truth, it was all very innocent, though supremely ridiculous. We don't think our landlady had any inten- }' ' ads . page: 152-153[View Page 152-153]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 152-153 152- THE PHYSIOLOGY OF tion of getting married, unnatural as the assertion-in connection with a widow-may sound. Very probably she would have demurred against any formal renunciation to that effect, preferring to retain, though in a lhazy, in- definite shape, the pleasurable self-elation instinctively awakened in the felminile mind in conjunction with the subject. But we are convinced such speculations would remain such. Not that she entertained a nmoment's doubt of the possibility of their realization. foor she certainly lay down each night with the conviction that note a male boarder but would have been happy to hlave succeeded the departed builder. We suppose her immense appreci- ation of general incense operated as a check to prevent her narrowing her (presumed) sway to a single wor- shiper. It was a species of innocent feminine Mormon- ism. And without asserting that she received such indis- criminate homage as perfectly genuine, we yet maintain that she had no doubt of its being based on fact. As intimated, the number of boarders was limited, con- sistink of five bachelors, one married man, and a solitary spinster. The men had employment .down town, where they remained till evening, at which time (our sojournl oc- curred in winter) there was a general re-union. A small annuity afforded our only lady boarder the means of sub- sistence. She was a little squeezed-up-looking old maid, addicted to snuff and India-rubber overshoes (which she wore in-doors), subject to colds in the head, and generally antagonistic to the landlady and to street organs. The "goings on" of the one and the performances of the other always excited her lively indignation. Hence the boarders were prodigal of gallantries and cents in devel- oping both peculiarities. We have known Italian min- strelsy to be in operation in front of the house from 8 to 12 P M. Upon which occasion Miss --, after an abortive NJEW YORK BO ARDIN'G-HOUSES. 153 attempt to salute'the offending musician with the contents ofher ewer, denounced every body, and went to bed with cotton in her ears. She was also extremely fastidious as to questions of propriety. Our apartment adjoined hers, and we believe she spent the night of our arrival in cramming curl-papers into every conceivable chink and cranny inter- vening; besides telling the landlady with a shudder of horror, on the following morning, that she actually heard "the feller" pull his boots off. We believe she would have quitted the Establishment but for some feeble de- signs on the celibacy of the landlady's elder born. This was a tall, round-faced, light-haired, and whisker- less young man of three-and twenty, who might, intellect- ually, have been described by a homely metaphor in use among .housewives, as "rather slack-baked." lHe -did n't approve of theaters, could n't endure tobacco, liked Miss Warner's novels and Tupper's poems, attended a Bible- class qn Sunday afternoons, and was publicly snubbed and depreciated by his mother-it being, indeed, that excel- lent matron's custom to treat him as though he were a natural fool upon all occasions. She' tell him, when in converstion with others, to hold his tongue, and not to expose himself. She would narrate particulars of his en- tertaining hopeless passions for a series of young ladies, and generally indulge in confidences calculated to make a listener get hot and uncomfortable-when in presence of their hero. Her second-born was in California. No. 3 came home but seldom, being employed as a governess in an Up-town family. No. 4 was a very pretty girl of fifteen, with soft, bright eyes, and curling hair, and of a most lively but variable temperament. Her mother had a trick of discovering entirely imaginary attachments on the part of young gentlemen for this daughter, and warmly abet- ting or indignantly repelling them. No. 5 (the youngest page: 154-155[View Page 154-155]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 154-155 154 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF of the family) was a singular youth, who nourished wild ideas about constructing an omnibus, using cats or goats as a propulsive power, and making a large fortune on Broadway by devoting his vehicle to the accommoda- tion of fashionable youth. With which view he haunted lumber-yards, soliciting contributory bits of wood from the proprietors, and, also, set traps of clothes' lines and balls of twine in the back-yard, to secure the necessary quadrupeds. When the family met togethelr, a great deal of kissing always took place. They were very affectionate. You could n't spend an evening in their company without witnessing at least two or three osculatory performances. Mrs. -- would set them at it on the smallest provoca- tion or none at all. B. ut our reminiscences of her Establishment are not en- tirely of a whimsical character. We have alluded to the existence of a marriedl boarder, who, in spite of that quali- fication, was rather a favorite of the landlady's, and, in- deed, of the lodgers generally. A lively little Italian, with jet black eyes and curly beard, he worked hard at his trade of jeweler all day, and played the fiddle of even- ings. He had a laugh and friendly word for everybody, and a perfect dictionary of compliments in broken English for Mrs. --, to whom he confided all his hopes and ex- pectations. His wife and family were in Italy. Six months back he had sent money for their transmigration through the medium of a fellow-countryman, who had proved dishonest. In due time he was again enabled to forward the necessary sum, and, presently, to announce with infinite glee and excitement, their embarkation. Day by day he coun/ted the time which must elapse between it and the probable date of their arrival. When the ship became due he could scarcely contain himself, and his interest communicated itself in a minor degree to the NEWl YOY'K BOARDING-HOUSES. 155 boarders, who always looked in the morning's papers for the desired intelligence. It never appeared. It was savage winter weather, and men talked of terri- ble storms at sea. There were vague guesses and conjec- turles as to the cause of the detention of a missing vessel, hopes growing fainter, week after week, and, at last, a shuddering conviction that far down in the solemn depths of the Atlantic the luckless ship lay, and that the poor Italian would see his wife and children Nevermore-. His grief was piteous to look upon. And one unquiet' night, when the wind blew with a dull, hollow clamor awesome to listen to, when the casements rattled as though s hken by wrthfiul hands, when the snow-flakes fell fast and blindingly in the face of the pedestrian, and newly coated the dirt piles in our never-cleaned streets- , tlthe poor Italian crept home--to die. He was found, on the following morning, stark and cold in bed,-but witha quiet smile on his face. He had taken poison. page: 156-157[View Page 156-157]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 156-157 CHAPTER XVIII. OF ANOTHER MEAN BOARDING-HOUSE. HS Establishment- which,- in point of pretensions, might rank between those described in Chapters the Fifth and Eleventh-is now. happily extinct; we therefore, as usual, speak of it in the past tense. It was located in a dozy, shady street, particularly affected by hand-organs and children, and not far from St. John's Square. Exteriorly, a plain, substantial, red-brick edifice'-interiorly, a decent, though meagerly-furnished one-gas,tronomically, a mean one. And as its meanness developeditself after a peculiar fashion and led to singu- lar results, .e devote this chapter to particulars. The landlady-familiarly known as "the Ogress," or eat-ax," from a presumed res'emblance of her coun- tenance to that instrument-was a thin, spare, hollow-eyed womai. of fifty, with a curiously-cracked voice, an overl allowanOe of nerv(s, a daughter of similar construction, and an eklerly husband-originally, we believe, a bellows- maker. I1 had, how\ever, long abandoned business, being N,\ NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 157 afflicted with rheumatism, and now devoted himself to chewing tobacco, and the marketingl of the Establish- ment. iMiss --, though a virgin of six-and-twenty, might have been mistaken for her own mother, but fbr one happy peculiarity of feature. She had a particularly. large nose, and although the Slawkenbergian promontory was forcibly definled throughout the family, hers rendered the others decidedly insignificant., She always rose at an unnaturally early hour on winter mornings (and, like most persons guilty of that unpleasant virtle, " took it out" of mankind in talking of it), thought she looked "' cunning" in a leathern belt, and hated the boarders. We shall have more to say hereafter of her remaining characteristics. The inmates of the Establishment were mostly of the hale sex, and fluctuated firom ten to twenty, generally in- clining toward the lesser number, half of whom were our personal acquaintances. But for this, our stay would have been very brief. Companionship makes almost any thing endurable. No doubt one's objections toward being hanged would be considerably lightened were a dozen fiiecnds to share the same fate. At least, the prin- ciple proved correct with regard to the comparatively minor miseries of the Mean Boarding-House. If our landlady and daughter had been brought up in entire ignorance of the primitive arts of eating and drinking-never discovering that people did such things until the respective ages of five-and-forty and twenty-one --they could n't have regarded all gastronomic indulg- ences with greater severity. Apqpetite, in their eyes, was not only the Seven Deadly Sins combined, but the Unpardonable One into the bargain. The very genius of Famine might have been the familiar Lar (or household deity) of the Establishment. We will endeavor to de- scribe its domestic-not economy-but parsimony. page: 158-159[View Page 158-159]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 158-159 158 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF You took your place at the dinner-table, observing that the bread was cut very thin, and the butter contained in one of the smallest plates you had ever seen out of a doll's house. When the dish covers were removed-by the daughter (for Mrs. ---- kept no "wasteful slut of a serv- ant"), you found cause for astonishment at the small quantity and meager quality of the food provided. Be assured that you would be helped in proportion. You got a minute fragment of meat which could easily be dis- posed of in three mouthfuls. Influenced by modesty. you made five of it. After a hungry pause, you sent your plate up again (waiting, under the wild expectation of being asked, always proved ineffective), and obtained a still smaller moiety of meat, but a liberal allowance of bones. When, being a new boarder, you despairingly fell back upon the potatoes (there were plenty of them), drank large quantities of water, and allowred your plate to be removed, with the secret resolutionlof "making up" at -the expense of the pastry-in which you were again baffled--unless you liked pies made of tomatoes with the skins on, and sweetened with watered molasses. W Such, i, general, was a new boarder's initiatory expe- rience, which he might be expected to endure for from one day to six, according to his temperament. Hunger, however, invariably stimulated him into energy. He sent his plate up repeatedly, three--fou'r-FIVE times. He made dashes at the bread with his fork, indecently impaling and securing half-a-dozen pieces. He arrogantly demanded that remote dishes of vegetables should be passed to him. He ignored the necessities of his neighbors, yet felt a sav- agqe pleasure in handing the pickles that they might still further provoke already exasperated appetites. He gnawed bones, and sopped up gravy with his bread. He began to look upon the landlady and her daughter as his natural NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 159 enemies, and to wonder whether a chameleon did n't suffer a good deal in getting used to its mode of life. He re- membered the lady-ghoule in the Arabian Nights, who fed herself by picking up grains of rice with a pin, and shud- dered at the possibility of Mrs. and Miss -- resorting in private to the other diet attributed to that person. - He speculated as to whether they might not have some relative engaged in the undertaking business. He became suspicious of their retirin g to snug after-dinners in the basement, and vented such opinions to fellow boarders. He felt himself capable of appreciating that hungriest of books, the Adventures of Lazarilloo de Tormes (in case he had read it), and thought Cannibalism, in cases of disasters at sea, perfectly justifiable. Finally he grew very thin, and went away, took extraneous meals at restaurants, or re- sorted to such surreptitious proceedings as we shall have occasion to relate of ourselves. It has been stated that the landlady was nervous, and' that her daughter shared that characteristic. Now this rendered both especially impressible to unpleasant inci- dents, such as fires, murders, and other social calamities, and it was easy to adapt the feeling to the production of 'desirable results. As thus. Each boarder (sharing the secret) would, on making his appearance at the dinner- table, relate some harrowing circumstance as having oc- curred under his individual notice, or reported in the newspapers. (None were taken at the Mean Boarding- House, from motives of economy.) Now it was told how an Irishwoman had scraped her twin children to death with oyster shells, or severed their heads from their bodies with a fragment of looking-glass ; now, how a member of Congress had scalped a political opponent, on the floor of the House, after gouging out one of his eyes, or biting off one of his ears; now, particulars would be vouchsafed of page: 160-161[View Page 160-161]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 160-161 160 TI1.1 PHYSIOLOGY OF an awful conflagration, in which the entire inhabitants of a Lunatic Asylum had been roasted alive in their cells; now, how a band of emigrants on the overland journey to California had been impelled bystarvation to become Anthropophagi, commencing by eating up all the old wo- men. Upon which Mrs. --- and her daughter would start and shudder, beg the gentlemen to desist, resort to smelling salts, and finally retire precipitately from the room-.when the triumphant boarders (who did n't at all mind Mr. --) were able to help themselves. And though our landlady must, in time, have had suspicions of the apochryphal nature of these'narratives, it was but seldom that she could resist their influence. Miss -- did, some times. Occasionally the boarders varied the dodge by the narration of hideous dreams. Nor was this all. Hunger, says the proverb, will break m through stone walls-how mtlch more, then, the silent watches of the night? A nocturnal foray having discovered the existence of a huge padlock, on the kitchen-door (the key of which Mrs.- deposited, every night, beneath her pillow), some brilliant spirit-anticipating the expe- dient of Mr. Sparrowgrass-suggested whether it might -not be practicable to descend into that culinary locality by means of the dumb-waiter, by which dishes were hoisted up to the dining parlor. One trial-as advertise- ments say--proved the fact. The shelves being removed, the lightest weight of the party could, with comparative ease, deposit himself therein, and ini that position was carefully lowered below, from whence he sent up the en- tire contents of the larder. We shall never forget the mute astonishment which greeted the appearance of a turkey--of whose plump carcass comparatively little had vanished! That- turkey was an entire stranger to zcs / Our darkest suspicions were confirmed. It was true, NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSEt;. 161 fthen! The family catered for themselves on a different scale than for tIlcir famished boarders. Could Mrs. -- have descended fromr.,her third-floor- 'front into that back-parlor, at the ghostly hour of mid- night, she would liave beheld a spectacle which might have irrecoverably damaged her nerves for the remainder of her existence. Six hungry individuals, in shirt sleeves, and similar free and easy deshabille, with a goodly array of viands before them-for our discoveries dlid not end ith the turkey--were seated at the table, by the light of the half-turned gas-jet, in subdued revelry-even as though spectres, or co(ble-gcangers, as the Scotch term the apparitions of living persons, were mimicking our [mid-day proceedings. No shadowy repast, however, was it, but the most satisfactory one we had eaten within those walls. A second descent withl empty dishes and the Skeleton fowl, concluded our proceedings, and then, ual sougTht his pillow. * . * L w t- a prcc ig. .osadw rps. hoeews page: 162-163[View Page 162-163]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 162-163 162 THE PHYSIOL;OGY OF Our landlady's countenance wore a troubled look on the following morning. She said not a word, but ap- peared horribly suspicious. We turned the conversation on Spiritualism, and instances were related of singular freaks on the part of supernatural visitors, such as com- mitting robberies, setting fire to houses, etc. We also talked of mortal burglars. , Mrs. -- preserved a grim silence. It was plain that she distrusted her boarders' agency in over-night's proceedings. Hier husband had a conference with the policeman of the vicinity and induced him by a promise of prospective dollars (to be paid on the capture of imaginary delin- quents), to watch the area of the house during the hours of night and early morning. But, as may be imagined, no discovery ensued from that quarter. And the policeman, -not getting the reward-subsequently revenged himself by violently ringing the street-door-bell between the hours of 3 and 4 on several consecutive" mornings, as also bv throwing ash-barrels into the area. "Stolen waters are sweet," and we have Solomon's testimony as to the attractions of "bread eaten in secret." Our midnight revels were continued, at such intervals as prudence dic- tated, until an unlucky contretemps marred all. Our light-weight voyager chancing to be sick one night-we believe alternate hunger and plenty disagreed with him- a heavier friend volunteered to descend in his place. It was with much difficulty that he contrived to squeeze himself into the recess, and, as he descended, the rope- alas!-broke-! A swift, sharp, rattling sound, followed by a heavy concussion--and, we shame to say it, his com- panions fled, leaving him to his fate. He spent the night on the kitchen dresser, among innumerable cockroaches, and nearly frightened Miss -- into a fit when she un- locked the door on the following moring moin Nor did lie ^ NEW YORK BOARDING-H OUSES. 163 wait the advent of the landlady to decide on his certain expulsion, but hurrying his personal property into a valise, incontinently decamped, with no other words than sufficed to convey a strong sense of indignation at the conduct of .,:% his fellow-boarders. And-we blush to record it-the en- tire blame of our midnight ravages was permitted to rest on his memory. His behavior and appetite were voted, atrocious. But all of us had to follow very speedily. After this untoward discovery our landlady locked the doors of both parlors, regularly, at ten o'clock, and for a time insisted on her husband sleeping on the dining-table, as an additional security. We could hear him snoring, even on the second floor, wlere we were domiciled in a small apartment in which the proverbial feat of " swinging a cat," could not certainly have been accomplished without damage to the head or tail of the animral. Mr. --. was a terrific snorer. The boarders asserted that his wife had to plug her ears with cotton in order to avoid being kept awake by his incessant performance on the nasocleide. But to the cause of our removal. The increased strictness of discipline, then, reduced us to the most painful privations, which came to a crisis on the landlady's going out of town, and leaving her daugh- ter to assume official responsibilities. That well-nosed virgin, whether influenced by a deep sense of the trust- reposed in her, a desire to merit it, or natural parsimony, exerted herself so as to bring matters almost to the famine pitch. She laid in a large quantity of salt mackerel- such as one sees barreled and steeping in strong-smelling, mustard-colored liquor about the streets abusting on the North River-and intensely pickled pork, upon which dainties we were dieted, without the slightest variety, for a whole week. It is true, however, that different modes page: 164-165[View Page 164-165]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 164-165 ... 64 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. of cooking these delicacies were resorted to-the prevail- ing one being interring and then baking them in batter- thus producing a sort of pudding. More detestable culi- nary compositions it might be impossible to imagine. The seventh appearance of these at the dinner-table produced alz open rebellion. In ominous silence each boarder received his moiety of the obnoxious food, allow- ing it to remain, untasted, before him, until[ all were served. And then, at a given signal (the ring-leader's blowing his nose violent]y), each conspirator suddenly reversed his plate and its contents on the table-cloth, rose, wheeled about, and gravely stalked from the room. Miss - - uttered a sharp little scream, her father an in- coherent exclamation, the boarders uncognizant of the secret stared in blank amazement, as the defiant ones, closing the door with a bang, sought an adjacent restau- rant, there to dine in plenty and triumph--only returning at a late hour for their baggage. We have already mentioned that the Mean Boardcling- House has ceased to exist. Some unhappy man-Hecaven knows why-married the daughter, and Mrs. -- (now a widow--for her husband has gone to that bourne, where, it is to be presumed, tobacco and rheumatism are not)- resides with her son-in-law. May he possess the endur- ance necessary to sustain the combined afflictions! J .- -- ---^ . * CHAPTER XIX. THE FAMLY HOTEL ON BROADWAY. WHTE marble or free-stone front, one to two hun- dred feet on the fashionable side of our princi- wide and Tndred detp, with lO raLte ones in poporation - offices, saloons, parlors, ladies' and gentlemen's recep- tion-rooms dining-roomea reading-rooms, bath-rooms, bar- rooms, ordinalies and tea-rooms- apaltmentss of all sizes and degrees of luxury; rosewood furnitue- velvet tapes- try, gorgeous chandeliers, hnfge mirrors, fresco paintings, birl ceilin ys, a- stair-case twelve feet wide, with landing- places over twenty, on each flooe-accommodations for four or five hundred guests, armies of waiters, a heating apparatus located in a rear stlreet, a throng of idlers at the oor, arriving and departing vehicles, people up-stairs, dowr-stairs, and in my lady's chamber-all this, and how page: 166-167[View Page 166-167]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 166-167 16b6 THE PHYSIOLO GY OF' much more, is suggested by the words. "a Broadway Hotel?" In a preliminary chapter we have intimated that. this class of Establishments scarcely comes under our province. Though possessing their characteristic; and indeed indi- vidual features, they are conducted upon so vast a scale as to afford but little scope for the portrayal of those per- sonal traits which form so large an aggregate in less com- prehensive structures. Boarders in a hotel may know much or little of each other, according to mutual in- clination, but, necessarily, only the outside and general aspects of character will be visible. You can't sketch very minutely in the midst of a crowd, and might as well attempt to describe the doings and peculiarities of the in- habitants of an entire street as to take pen-photographs of the various and ever-changing guests of the Cosmopol- itan,-St. Nicodemus, or other "traveler's houses." The man who sits beside you at dinner is as muchl a stranger as he who jostles past you in Broadway. He may be either a senator or swindler, and you are -as little surprised, three days hence, to learn that he is a millionaire, as that he 's going to be hanged. In truth these lordly caravansaries are no bad types of our civilization--being very splendid, very showy, very pretentious, very expensive, very uncomfortable, and con- taining all sorts of incongruous elements. Whether both be not susceptible of considerable improvement, might be a question of some delicacy. We (of course) have un- bounded faith in social democracy, and are not prepared to deny that living in a big Broadway Hotel is the neplus ultra of existence. The one we purpose to speak of claims a place in our volume over grander competitors, in consequence of its XL% WV 'I V n 1 X. I va Va, AJL I N - II U ]LT 6 E S JL l possessing (in common with a few others) something akin to a private character. Families affect it rather than transitory boarders, though there are, occasionally, plen- tiful sprinklings of the latter. But the population is neither so migratory nor so large-and therefore the better fitted for our portrayal. We, shall not describe its location, general appearance, or detail management. We don't know its landlord. He nay have commenced life as a waiter, bar-tender, hotel- clerk, or steamboat-steward--from each of which avoca- tions (we are told) landlords of big New York Hotels have risen. He may be a gentleman of education and refinement, or as ignorant as a newly-imported Irishman or a poor Southerner, for aught we know to the contrary. Certainly his Establishment is an ably-ruled one, and his guests' senses as luxuriously catered for as in more pre- tentious rivals. Upward of two hundred persons find temporary or permanent accommodations within its walls. The latter belong to a class we have already had occa- sion to speak of as constituting the-majority of the in- mates of the Tip-Top,!Boarding-House. Perhaps they're a trifle wealthier, butj this is by no means certain. Young lawyers and lawyer-politicians, editors, publishers, opera. singers, and professional men generally; a few Broadway store-keepers, brokers from Wall-street, and down town merchants-these, single and married, with many others of less definable position and vocations, live in our Fam- ily Hotel. Men of independent incomes, fast youths. who are not only aware that their " old man was born before them,' but have also arrived at the pleasing conviction that his industry, or acquisitiveness, has anticipated any necessity for labor on their part (except it be in the way of getting rid of the parental dollars); families from the page: 168-169[View Page 168-169]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 168-169 168 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF country (during the winter months); wives who like "society ;" widows who wish to change that title, or who have grown-up daughters; and egotistic old bachelors-all who, influenced by fashion, inclination, dislike to the re- sponsibilities, or indifference to the pleasures and sanctity of home, may be supposed to prefer the mode of life-are here, New Yorkers preponderating. Some have boarded from year to year, being quite habitues of the place, and entertaining no intention of quitting it. Others accept it as a period of transitory splendor, to be merged into the obscurity of private boarding, or housekeeping, when in- crease of family or shortness of means compels. Perhaps, in the latter case, antecedent hotel experiences hardly conduce to future happiness, or to fit either wife or husband for the cheerful performance of their respect- ive duties. Let us glance, though cursorily, at the inev- itable routine of life in our fashionable caravansary. Being emancipated from all those household minister- ings, and little domestic cares which are so truly degrad- ing to the feminine character, lady-boarders have leisure to devote themselves to the more intellectual arts of dress, and general fascination. In a fashionable hotel you must dress fashionably-of course. Who could think of sitting down to a dinner at which two hundred' guests assemble --where, at a given signal, an equal number of carefully- drilled waters remove the dish-covers with a dexterous flourish of their white-gloved hands-where a band of music, in full blast, accompanies general mastication-in other than ball costume, or something very near it. In- deed, even in the forenoon, what lady, with any respect for herself, woul, risk the chance of being seen in a plain morning-frock? Though, to be sure, we have heard of , hioh-born dames in England and France (whom, as simple I republicans, we are naturally anxious to resemble) do I * NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 169 dress at such times with exceeding simplicity. But per- haps they can't affold to do better. Any way the wives and daughters of free-born American have a right to sport their silks and satins at what hour of the day they please, whether in the boudoir, public sitting-room, or on Broadway. What's the use of dressing like a rainbow gone mad, if people are not to look at you? At our Family Hotel, during the winter season, weekly balls are a regular institution; and these, it is said, form no small attraction to boarders, some abandoning private resi- dences in order to secure admission to them. They are got up on a scale of unexampled splendor. Now, perhaps, there can bei ilo pleasanter social spectacle than upward of a thousand handsomely-dressed ladies and gentlemen in a brilliantly-lighted ball-room, intent one mutual enjoy- ment; yet, it may be questioned whether such periodical indulgences are conducive to the production of domestic tastes in man or woman. A young wife is not in the best of health or temper on the morning subsequent to six hours' active performance of polkas, cotillions, quadrilles, schottisches, etc. Nor is her husband in the best order for going down town, subsequent to those dozen bottles of champagne disposed of in company with a few jolly fellows in the supper-room, after the ladies had " got through.9' But, says the lady reader, you would n't have people always mewed up in their, own apartments? There's little cause for apprehension on that score in our Hotel. Stroll into the drawing-room of an evening, you will see they know how to amuse themselves. If Mrs. A is co- quetting with B, who can blame her? She is young, and pretty, and rather neglected by A, who has contracted a taste for billiards and dissipation generally, and is proba- bly rather drunk in some adjacent bar-room at the pres- 8 page: 170-171[View Page 170-171]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 170-171 170 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF ent moment. In fact, his lady has nothing to do but flirt --and does it accordingly. And if C (who is a married man, and ought to know better), is talking eloquently to Miss D on some subject which brings the blood to her cheeks (rendering her rouge unnecessary for the moment) -people must be sociable when they meet in the same saloon, evening after evening.. 'Tis their own fault if worse occur. Yet perhaps it's not always advisable to run such risks, as a big hotel must inevitably present Among two hundred persons some few may be charactrl one would n't wish to see one 's wife waltzing with. - It is however, but justice to say that there are boarders as ex elusive in their habits as is possible. Both ladies and gentlemen finding so many attraction soliciting their attention, it is but little wonder that th claims of the rising generation are overlooked, or, at least injudiciously provided for. Sanitary people assert tha children's appetites demand little beyond bread, mill NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 171 water, sugar, light broths, and such simple diet; but juvenile American stomachs are not to be dictated to after that fashion. The boys and girls at our Family IIotel have an especial table set for them, about an hour earlier than their seniors' dinner, where they indulge in hot, unctuous soups, highly-spied French cookery, stale pastry re-warmed, dishes made indigestible with melted butter, cakes, tarts, comfits, pickles, and sweetmeats. Their breakfast comprises strong coffee, hot rolls, and molasses. As for exercise, their mothers can't be troubled with them while going out shopping, so they're confined to a room devoted to that purpose, or allowed the oppor- tunity of running about the house, being chidden for en- tering saloons, and listening to the oaths and improving conversation of the waiters, or hearing them make love to the chamber-maids. .If they don't thrive under this treatment, but become excitable, nervous, and sick, the doctor is called in to remedy matters. --But then the children are always very prettily dressed. If five hundred dollars can be used up in the way of lace, embroidery, frills, rosettes, and ruffles on the person of a ' blessed baby," so much the better. It scarcely comes within our province to do more than just hint at certain other peculiarities incidental to life in a New York Hotel. Our instance of the lady-sharper in the Tip-Top Boarding-House has often been dwarfed by the ingenuity and audacity of chevaliers d'indtzstrie, as exercised at the expense of both landlords and lodgers in these giant Establishments, por are swindlers of the softer sex uncommon. We have heard of gentlemen of distin- gue appearance being discovered with spoons in their pockets; of ladies -of equivocal character obtaining ad- mission for equivocal purposes; even of mothers trusting , .. page: 172-173[View Page 172-173]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 172-173 [172 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. to their own charms, or those of their -daughters, to dis- icharge pecuniary obligations. But-the last sounds like a slander, and we don't believe it. ,j : ACHAPTER XX. THE ARTISTS' BOARDING-HOUSE. ARTISTS do not, in general, Whether their profession --which in some cases appears to have a tend- ency to the development of eccentricities of cos- tume and character-- renders them averse to any routine existence, or whether an untrammeled lie better accords with the necessities of their position, we do not venture to de, cide), simply stating the fact. Some prefer taking their meals at restaurants, bivouacking at night in their studios or offices amid the heterogeneous medley of articles only to be seen in such places--as plaster-casts, boxing-gloves, easels, squares of canvas, skulls, fencing-foils, portfolios, pipes, armor, weapons, and sketches. This, though en- j durable enough in summer (w hen a bachelor on the right side of thirty feels three fourths independent of the ne- "essity of a home, and can stick upon his office-door the inscription " Gone to Nootka Sound-Back some time in the Fall," without consulting any body), is n't agreeable inwinter. Camping on the floor with a buffalo-skin for matrass and counterpane, a pair of boots and an old coat page: 174-175[View Page 174-175]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 174-175 174 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF : for'a pillow, proves monotonous, not to say dreary when the srnow lies nine inches deep on the window sill; even if ;you have n't to journey to the next grocery-store in the morning, for water to wash with, as the Croton is frozen in , t your building. Therefore artists who like Robinson-Cru- isoe-ing in the summer, frequently board during winter. :It was under the latter aspect we had an opportunity of observing them. Bleecker-street is, par excellence, the street of Boarding- Houses. What tenement is not a shop may be safely as- sumed as devoted to the accommodation of the boarding public. On summer evenings not a stoop but has its knot of male boarders " cooling off" after the heat of the day; not an open parlor-window but frames loveliness enough to knock any "Book of Beauty" into a cocked hat; the whole thoroughfare, indeed, presenting a continuous gal- lery of metropolitan manhood and femininity. Our Artists' Boarding-House was in Bleecker-street. We remember its proprietress as the most deservedly popular of landladies. She shone equally in her social and professional capacities. Her temper and beef were beyond all praise, her morality and mutton of the best quality. In spite of fourteen years 'of Boarding-House life, she had retained such refreshing simplicity of character as to be totally ignorant of the meaning of the words "brandy toddy" (upon their utterance by one of the inmates of her Establishment); to merely associate the idea of some flexible substance with " bender," and to consider a work of art alone suggested by " bust." She held very strict notions of propriety, thinking that a husband ought not to appear with his coat off, in his wife's presence, under any circumstances. She had a natural turn for match- making. and believed that at least one marriage ought to come off every year within her Establishment. And, finally, NEW YOR K BOARDING-HOtUSES. 175 i she used to immolate herself on the altar of an old lady- boarder who had her meals served in her own room, and was a mysterious personage, generally. There might have been from fifteen to twenty persons resident at Mrs. -----'s, of whom half-a-dozen were artists. Numerically, therefore, they were in the minority, socially they assumed prominence enough to justify our selection of the present Chapter's title. We shall only speak of the professional boarders. I None of the artists dined at Mrs. ----s, save on Sun- days; being engaged at their several studios, offices, burins, etc, during the day, to reunite at evening. This generally took place in the front basement, a largish room on a little lowel level than the side-walk--just the sort of apartment ordinarily occupied by Doctors. I Nominally this chamber belonged to the two w1io slept in it, practically to the artist fraternity. We shall take what the poet of Idllewild denominates "Hurrygraphs" of some of them. Our first selection is the Comic Artist. If there be a popular superstition to the effect that "funny men," whether wielders of pen or pencil, are ani obstreperously hilarious generation, he was a signal con- tradiction to it. You would n't have noticed any thing especially comic about him. He was an individual of quiet exterior and observant eye. HHe had the air of a gentle. manly fellow, with not too much to do on his hands, and a steady conviction in his mind that he ought- to be delib- erately miserable. We once knew a Methodist, minister who, simultaneously with a bad attack of tooth-ache, lost his situation in consequence of the generally terrific nature of'his discourses, which had driven several old women (of both sexes) crazy. Well, our Comic Artist resembled him-only he had a moustache, and seemed a little more despondent, as being less assured of the safety of his soul. page: 176-177[View Page 176-177]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 176-177 176 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF The amount of work he "got through" with might have amazed any body--but a Comic Artist. There seemed no end to his labors. Ixion's wheel, or Sisyphus's stone-rolling were nothing to them. Contemplating the piles of cc big cuts," " little cuts," " cuts" of all shapes and sizes, "cuts" for comic weeklies, "Cuts" for comic month- lies, book illustrations, magazine illustrations, designs for posters-drawings in short of every conceivable and inl- conceivable character--contemplating these, we say, to the unceasing production of which our artist's time was devoted, it is probable that the Tartarean gentlemen re- cently mentioned had an easy time of it compared with him. He must have used up whole forests of box-wood, ship-loads of pencils, barrels of flake white, and quarries of pumice-stone in the exercise of his profession! In blazing away at the peccadilloes and follies of human nature, he sometimes manifested a sublime independence I of the canons of art. His notions of proportion were generally regulated by the size and quality of the box-wood blocks he worked upon. The dislocation of a limb in order to bring it into a certain part of the picture, or to avoid a knot, was a little artistic license of which he fre- quently availed himself. He would draw a disjointed young man of the first fashion, eight feet high, conversing with a fractured belle whose arms terminated at her waist; in the back ground a number of dancers tripping it on the light fantastic flat-iron--such being his notion of feet; while a baboon--his conception of an Irishman- handed round refreshments. But what were these little defects in comparison with his merits, his exquisite per- ception of the ludicrous, his instinctive love of the beau- powers of burlesque. A greater contrast could hardly have been conceived NEW Y ORK BOARDING- HOUSES. 1" than was afforded by another boarder. 'Like the hero of Tennyson's ballad, he was a " landscape-painter," and quite a young lady's beau ideal of an artist. He had long, dark hair, semi-melancholic eyes, a Vandykish beard. He wore a wide-sleeved-and-slashed-black-velvet coat, a broad som- br ero hat, was over six feet high, and generally resembled a consumptive younger brother of Charles the First of Eng- land run to seed. (He did n't look so poetic in his atelier costume, a ragged jacket, pants on which he used to try his brushes; and his hair tied behind with a bit of string.) We called him the "Picturesque Anachronism," He painted big pictures of mountain scenery with bril- liant molasses foregrounds, cylindrical water, and impossi- ble Indians. (He spent half the year among the Catskills, -his rural attire comprising a few bowie-knives, sundry hatchets, an alenstock or mountain-pole shod with a spike, and huge jack-boots.) His friends and companions were at the pains-in consideration of his appearances-,to invent all sorts of startling and ingeniously-elaborated narratives, wherein he figured as a heroic miscreant of Southern birth, guilty of romantic villainies enough to set him up as hero for a hecatomb of yellow-covered novels. In point of fact, he hailed from down East, and had n't been further south than Philadelphia in his life. But to this hour we suspect him of a latent admiration for the character ascribed to him. The others we shall dismiss more briefly. One was a young Englishman of unpleasantly rampant animal spirits, addicted to practical jokes, to saying the most insulting things with the most good-humored air in the world, and to burlesque opera vocalization--in which he and another of the party greatly excelled. We believe he had com- menced art-life on a Panorama which did n't pay--proba- bly in consequence of his being engaged on it. He now 8' . , page: 178-179[View Page 178-179]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 178-179 178 THF PHYSIOLOGY OF drew for books and newspapers. A fourth had an intel- lechtual-Jack-Sheppardish physiognomy, and a queer, semi- Manichean system of philosophy which inculcated that nobody could be happy without somebody else being simrultaneously miserable. He painted in oil, and was suspected of writing pretty songs and lively stories-with artists for their heroes-for a Sunday newspaper. A fifth played on the guitar; a sixth had a red beard, and was very near-sighted-which is all we can recollect about them. 'These, then, constituted the Artist Community. The basement in which they-to use a Scotticism--foregath- ered, was characteristic of its frequenters. No amount of attention on the part of the chamber-maids could make it look tidy. All freshness and elasticity was squeezed out of the beds by four or five gentlemen sitting or reclining on them at the same time, amid tobacoe ash and cigar stumps. - The chairs contained wash-basins full of indefinite- colored water, which looked as if it had got black in the face in trying to look like champagne. Plaster casts blockaded the windows. Boxing-gloves resembling Scotch zaggises (if that be the correct pluraD, or apple-pud- dings suffering from the combined attacks of mumps, yellow-jaundice, dropsy, and cramp, littered the floor. Portfolios, yawning like sick oysters disgorging ill- digested sketches, lay around. An easel and lay-figure stood in a corner. Weapons, every one of which had been used for some domestic purpose, from sharpening pencils, toasting bread, opening oysters, cleaning pipes, to poking the fire, covered the table, heterogeneously junm- bled together with pumice-stone, crayons, crumbs, charred wood, empty bottles, box-wool blocks, cards for whiten- ing them, files begrimed with black-lead, Indian ink, cigar-cases, Sketches, cents, and illustrated newspapers. Here our Artists sometimes worlked nocturnally. NEW YORnK BOARDING-"HOU-SES. 179 Not always, though. They sometimes played. Drop- ping in of an evening, you might find yourself the amazed center of a half a dozen temporary lunatics indulging in the wildest of gymnastics over chairs, beds, and tables. Or a quiet conversation would be interrupted by the Eng- lish artist (who, by-the-way, had contracted a playful habit of hurling clubs at the head of any in-comer) com- mencing a vocal imitation of the newest opera basso or tenor, when the others joining in, you were incontinently hurried into a Mahlstrom of melody. Or a boxing match would be in progress. We remember how a gentleman got knocked throutgh his recently-completed picture-a ten-feet-by-six one designed for academic exhibition. During the opera season; however, the basement was X often untenanted of evenings, and always on Saturdays, S? wrhen the party attended a literary and artistic club held at a German' tavern, where they sang songs, told stories, made puns, and drank lager-bier. If any of them returned home keyless, between the hours of 1 and 2, they beat devil's-tattoos on the window-panes till admitted. They lay very late in bed on the following mornings, but didn't lose their breakfasts-as the landlady was very page: 180-181[View Page 180-181]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 180-181 180 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF good-natured. Some manifested an indifference to the meal, preferring a short pipe in bed. Mrs. -- -was, indeed, the most good-humored of land- ladies, and her house the pleasantest of which we have experience. She overlooked the rough usage of her base- ment chairs. (The backs generally came out when one sat upon them.) We don't attribute the turning the statuette of the Fighting Gladiator with his face to the wall to her, but rather to the unnecessarily rampant mod- esty of an Irish chamber-maid. 'Ve never saw her out of temper but once-when certain of the boarders (not artists) purloined a ham-bone from the pantry at midnight, picked it, and deposited the osteological fragment on the window-sill of the mysterious old lady; getting out of a window on the roof of an out-house to effect the injurious implication. 'We don't know if our artist friends are still resident in her Establishment. The advent of summer attracts the fraternity irresistibly firom baked side-walks, pitiless sun- glare, and simooms of city dust, to the blue' cones of the Catskills, the breezy heights of the White Mountains, the giant lakes of -the North, and other portions of American Fairy Land. We may meet them again in winter. 9 * ; CHAPTER XXI. THE VEGETARIAN BOARDING-HOUSE (AS IT WAS). commencing the present Chapter we would especially dis- claim any intention of describing a cer- tain Establishment yet extant among us. Of that we know n o more than that it is said to be conducted on an approach to-though' not strictly--Vegeta- that its proprietor has the reputation of a gentleman and a man of science. Our Veg- etarian Boarding-House is an entirely different afair; and, to the best of our knowledge, ceased to exist upwards of four years ago. Yet its 'peculiarities are worthy of pres- ; ervation. The tenement was one of those old-fashioned, comfort. able-looking, red-brick ones margining the Battery. We became a boarder partly in consequence of this location, c page: 182-183[View Page 182-183]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 182-183 182 THE PHYSIO LO G Y O PF though we acknowledge curiosity as our principal induce- ment. It was sultry July weather, and we hadn't dol- lars enough to compass rustication. We always loved the Battery before the city authorities made a big dirt-pie of it. The sparkling waters of the bay rippling in golden sunlight, the pleasant rustle of leaves overhead, and the shladow-checquered grass under foot were suggestive of other than city life-and as for abstinence from flesh diet, one does n't feel very carnivorous in summer, and could give one's self a dispensation at a restaurant, if desirable. So, obtaining an introduction to the proprietor, we became an inmate of the Vegetarian Boarding-House. He was a tall, spare man, with a large nose, light watery eyes and but little hair, though he wore a straggling hay-col- ored beard. Like the wise men of, old Ihe hailed :from the East. -His life seemed to have been spent similarly to those of the Athenians in Scripture in inquiring for new things. Not an ism whether philosophic, philanthropic or theologic, but had, in its turn, subjugated him. He had shower-bathed his soul with Ulnitarianisnm, frozen it up tight in Transcendentalism, thawed it out with Universalism, besmoked it in Swedenborgiamism, knocked it higher than a kite with Millerism, let it putrify in Mormonism, flayed it with Shakincr-Quakerism, buried it under General Negation, and dug it up with Spiritual- ism. He had kept a Water-cure Establishment, visited Icaiia, lived in a Phalanstery, and officiated as '"Elder" at Salt Lake. He had been ridden on a rail and tarred and feathered, as an Abolitionist-lecturer, down South. He NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 183 had anticipated Neal Dow in the advocation of the Maine Law. At the time of our sojourn in his Boarding-House he devoted himself, almost exclusively, to Vegetarianism and the Woman's Rights movement. IIis wife--taken cafter the Mormon episode-was a little rigid woman, without eye-brows. If the reader can ima- gine an elderly fiog laboring under the combined miseries of a severe stomach-ache and the conviction that he was going insane and had better commit suicide, that will convey some idea of the expression of her countenance. She always dressed in black, wore very scanty frocks, black cotton stockings, and thick shoes. e She had accompanied her hus- band in whllat may be designated his theologic and social benders, in some cases preceding him. She was a keen politician (Whole-Ticket- Died -in -the -Wool-Anti-Union- Pro -Amalgamation -Anti -States -Rights -an d -No -Backin g- Out Stripe), and studied anatomy with the view of prac- ticing as Doctress. Happily for society in general, she had no children. m There were but few boarders," our arrival completing the half dozen-a select circle of originals as we ever en- countered. Before discriminating them into individuals we will speak of the Establishment generally. Our landlady had as much faith in cold water as Preiss- nitz or a mermaid. Her house, her person, her very cat was over-washed. If it had rained in-doors all day long the ,house could n't have been wetter. From garret to basement, both chambers and stair-case were always in a more or less hydropathic condition. You turned out for an unsuspecting walk of half an hour's duration, to find, on regaining your apartment, the chairs block- ading the passage, the cdisjecta mnembra of your bed- stead reclining against the wall, and a stout negress on her hands and knees, scrubbing away with perseverance page: 184-185[View Page 184-185]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 184-185 184 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF and energy worthy of a better cause. Perhaps Mrs.-- would be superintending-and quite ready to crush you with sanatory authorities in case of objection. Our floor was rendered so damp by these proceedings that we should n't have been surprised at seeing a plentiful crop of mushrooms or toad-stools spring up under the washing stand, or to have found an eel in the pockets of the old coat which served us for a dressing-gown. Ventilation and sunlight were also hobbies of our land- lady.. Now, in July, few persons object to the former, but it's not altogether agreeable to sit at dinner in the full blaze of the sun, his rays concentrating with a more than burning-glass power upon your physiognomy-albeit the meal is of a cooling nature. We have seen a gentleman's nose begin to blister, and the cuticle peeling from a lady's countenance. If you remonstrated at such Salamanderish treatment, Mr. -- talked about the Arabs of the great Sahara, proved that hats were an effeminacy, and attrib- uted ophthalmia to the use of protectives from the sun's rays. It was one of his peculiarities never to look hot. He might have taken the arm of Shadrach, Mesliach and Abednego, in their little promenade, with perfect impu- nity. Whether addressing a room full of people, digging in the back garden, or presiding at table (we have seen him under each aspect), he was equally frigid and imper- turbable. Our meals-at which we formed a snug family party- were served with uniform cleanliness, and excellently prepared. Every thing was of the herbaceous or farina- ceous description, of course. We had no meats, no fish, no gravy-soups. Tea and coffee were also rejected, as stimulants. But every variety of vegetable appeared at our table, as also fruit and pastry. (No butter -entered into the composition of the latter, that being a tabooed \W91. .F.7 NEW YORK BOARDI3G-HOUSES. 185 article.) Bananas, melons, peaches, grapes, oranges, cher- ries, pine-apples; all the daintier forms of Vegetarian fare were provided with a liberal hand. The display, indeed, exceeded our expectations. We saw Vegetarian diet under its most attractive (summer) aspect. Whether the firaternity were confined to turnips, etc., during the winter season, we can not determine. In spring they generally went out to graze at a country Establishment, located somewhere in Connecticut, and owned by a relative of the landlord's. Descending from our neatly-ordered 'though damp apartment, to a breakfast of the material recently de- scribed, was agreeable enough. We began to think our Vegetarian friends might possibly be right, and that we, hitherto, had been living in a state akin to cannibalism. We thought of Adam and Eve, in Paradise Lost, and of the Angel taking dinner with them. We remembered to page: 186-187[View Page 186-187]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 186-187 186 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF have read that Brahmins generally reached a good old age (in the event of their not shortening their days by making fires on the tops of their heads, inserting knives into their abdomens, undertaking to stare the sun out of countenance, or similar devotional proceedings). We looked at the anti-carnivorous passages in Queen 1ifab, and thought of the Golden Age. What if we went in for innocence and vegetables in good earnest?' But before doing so we resolved to observe their effects as evidenced by our fellow-boarders. They appeared generally healthy, but unusually quies- cent individuals. First, and most prominent among them was a middle-aged man of loose figure, large, colorless countenance, and little eyes-something like a dropsical turnip, with two raisins stuck in it. In-doors he wore a long, green-baize coat, a straw hat bordered with bright listing, and slippers. He also carried a large, tarnished silver watch, to which, in lieu of chain or guard, was at- tached a tarry string. The expectation naturally excited by his appearance was more than justified by his opinions and characteristics, in describing which we shall risk the charge of exaggeration, if not of pure invention. He prided himself Ad being a man of system. Considering bed an effeminacy, and hurtful to the development of the human body (as affording facilities for laying on one side, and so contracting the chest), he preferred reposing on a narrow plank, placed upon two chairs-being covered only by a sheet. This was his system of sleeping. In diet he confined himself to particular dishes, always eating the peel with the fruit or vegetables, whether oranges, peaches, or potatoes, in the belief that removing it de- prived them of remarkable stomachic virtues. (He even attempted to devour the rinds of water-melons, cocoa-nuts, and pine-apples, correcting the internal discomposure NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 187 thereby provoked by takirg ginger.) This constituted his system of eating. In drinking he confined himself to water, occasionally flavoring it with boiled onions, a weak infusion of sassafras or lemon-peel, in the beneficial qual- ities of which he had strong faith. He was the strictest Vegetarian of the community, and the most intolerant of the flesh-eating barbarians of the outer world. He never used the words meat, beef, pork, or mutton; employing in lieu of them such denunciatory terms as dead flesh, cow's corpse, butchered hog, and the like. Wine, beer, and spirits he considers direct inven- tions of the Arch Enemy. Yet he smoked-not tobacco, but dried sun-flower leaves, thereby producing such of- fensive odors that he was requested to confine himself to his own room during such indulgences. He had also-so he informed us-once tried a mixture of opium, tea-leaves, and red pepper, but could n't stand it. This bit of confidence was vouchsafed in his chamber, whither we were, one day, invited. The room was as odd- looking as its occupant. He had made it an especial con- dition with the landlord that he should be permitted to furnish it according to his own inclinations-in pursuance of which the ceiling had been painted of a lively blue, the floor of an equally bright green. This, he said, was in accordance with nature. He had even caused the artist to attempt certain extraordinary delineations of birds and butterflies upon the walls (the latter as large as cocked hats), and at about three feet above the wainscot, to de- pict a row of gigantic sunflowers--the yellow put in with- but regard to expense. Sunflowers, we imagine, were a weakness of our fellow boarder's. He often wore one in his button-hole in his morning walks on the Battery, and once took to eating their seeds--carrying them about iri a large papier-mache snuff-box, and pressing them upon page: 188-189[View Page 188-189]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 188-189 188 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF others. Of his origin and past avocations we were unable to learn any thing, he himself maintaining, a resolute si- lence on these heads. He had arrived one evening with his effects--consisting of a large trunk, a bird-cage, a va- lise, and a dog-kennel-in a wheelbarrow. The two latter articles were yet extant in the back-yard. Their owner kept a rat in the bird-cage, which subsequently died on his attempting to feed it exclusively on cabbage-stalks. Some of these peculiarities were communicated to us by a fellow-boarder who occupied an adjoining apartment, and was himself only second in eccentricity to their orig- inator. A thin, eager-looking man, his light reddish- colored hair curled crisply all over his head, like fine mahogany shavings. He stooped in walking, was very near-sighted, and carried an eye-glass. He had adopted Vegetarianism not so much on account of principle as for the better and more unclouded development of his intel- lect-which he devoted, solely and entirely, to attempts at discovering how the art of flying might be rendered prac- ticable. We are inclined to think the celebrated "Moon Hoax" of Richard Adams Locke, with its plagiarized de- tails of winged Lunarians, had first turned his thought in this direction. His room was littered with the 'debris of abandoned aerial machinery. Wings of whalebone-ribbed- india-rubber, to be worked by an abortive contrivance, which seemed a compromise between a coffee-mill and' pair of bellows; an artificial eagle's tail, of immense size, with breast to match, and apparatus for inflating it when fastened on the wearer; queerly-shaped balloons like cir- cular sausages,to sustain the imaginary fronaut, while he won his way through fields of air, byturning a crank which put in motion four large pieces. of framed canvas resembling the sails of a mill-these and more ingenious inventions were here. He putt them on in our presence, NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 189 S explaining their proposed action, and descanting with en- i thusiasm on the glory which must accrue to the conqueror of the only element as yet unsubdued by man. Just then i he had temporarily abandoned the endeavor to achieve - the means of solitary flight, and in conjunction with an- I other enthusiast-we believe a Bowery watch-maker-'as- I pired to construct a machine calculated to accommodate some half-dozen verial excursionists. One summer's after- noon we crossed to Hoboken, where it lay inclosed within a square of palisading, awaiting the raising of funds neces- sary to its completion. To the best of our recollection it ' resembled a sharp-nosed, sharp-sterned canvas boat, con- taining a little steam-engine wherewith to work two great screw-like fans, a balloon attached to it forming the sus- taining power. Our fellow-boarder considered that the i means could n't be too simple. If that qualification were especially demanded we should have thought him particu- * arly adapted to the discovery. He had been a clerk in a A legraph office, but relinquished business for his project, and now relied on relatives both for the funds to carry it :; on, and to pay his board. They sent him letters contain- ing money and denouncing a erial contrivances. We had two lady-boarders, a mother and daughter, the latter a pink eyed, scared-looking girl of sixteen, who smelt like mice; the former a fat, pale-faced woman of fifty, whose round, protruding eyes, and small, beak-like nose, E 1 gave her a strong resemblance g to alarge white owl. She, with the assistance of the landlady, was engaged in perverting her daughter's intellect to the de- , ^, 'rg/ gree necessary to produce clair- voyancy. We have no doubt they subsequently succeed- page: 190-191[View Page 190-191]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 190-191 190 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP ed in manufacturing an orthodox spiritual Medium. Both ladies occasionally dressed in Bloomer costume, the elder wearing spectacles, pantalettes of black crape, and an umbrella. The remaining boarder had no greater peculiarities than those of general speechlessness, the habits of staring out of the window for hours together, bolting his food whole, and remaining locked up in the bath-room for many consecutive hours, when he was generally under- stood to be trying the cold-water cure. He always came out very leaden in aspect, and resentful of inquiries as to how he felt. We believe he was a Vermonter, and had been a schoolmaster. With these companions, then, we diurnally assembled at the Vegetarian table. The conversation, in which our landlord took the lead, was generally of a mild and ismy character. The effect of the diet may be thus described: A strong disinclination to do any thing; an unnatural meekness of disposition; a tendency to boils; and'% generally-sublimated and windy estimation of our own im- portance and destiny, were the primary results. We ex- perienced a sort of tranquil dissatisfaction with the world in general, and a desire to set it to rights through the medium of writing letters to the SpirituZal Telegraphe, tWater.-Cuzcre and Phrenological Journals, which papers formed part of the weekly literature of our Boarding- House. We read the matrimonial advertisements in the last-named periodical, and began to speculate on the pro- priety of taking for a wife some young lady with cold gray eyes, sandy hair, a large waist, severely rational principles, big feet, and strong faith in the Maine Law. We shudder to think of our condition, and gladly turn to our rescue. Mentioning, in confidence, our intentions to a friend, he, struck with alarm and horror at the state NEW YORK BOARDING-HiOUSES. 191 j of mind to which we were reduced, at once resorted to ( vigorous measures for effecting our deliverance. Sitting ! , listlessly one evening in the front parlor, engaged in the study of entomology, as manifested in the dissection of Aft large worms by the green-coated boarder (he was partial to such operations), we were summoned forth. Our friend j * proposed a moonlight sail upon the Hudson--we agreed. j A boat was in waiting, into which we stepped, and for a couple of hours danced merrily over the silvery surface i of our beautiffil bay. We became hungry-he produced 5 ham sandwiches; thirsty-he proffered champagne. Our 1 readers will spare us the particulars of our fall. ! We have a general impression of our legs doubling up considerably, and of the trees behaving in a remarkable manner as we crossed the alternate moonlight and shadow of the quiet Battery to our Boarding-House, at about 2 in the morning; of being assisted up-stairs by our friend and thq landlord-the latter in scanty drapery and out of temper; of subsequently going to bed with our hat on. d On the following morning we quitted the Vegetarian i Boarding-House. Nor have we, since, encountered our 1 landlord or any of his guests. We learn, however, that , with his lady, he has relapsed into Spiritualism, and is making a good thing of lit. A" I t1 page: 192-193[View Page 192-193]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 192-193 CHAPTER XXII. THE MEDICAL STU)DENTS BOARIDINTG-HOUSE. many of our readers can recollect the ideas generally entertained with regard to Medical Students before the existence of Dickens' Pick- wick Papers. Were they not supposed to be pale, studious, intellectual, inter- esting young men?- often figluring as heroes in An- nuals, forget-me-not's, and the like feeble-minded litera- ture? Such is the testimony of our memory on the point. But the Real-in the shape of Mr. Bob Sawyer, and Mr. Ben Allen- ousted the Ideal as effectually as did Cervantes' knight the paladins of fi'-ti- tious chivalry. Albert Smith's lively Punch papers only deepened the Pickwickian impression, and a sentimental Medical Student is now as rare a charac- ter in books as in reality. It might not be difficult to decide why they should be the rackety generation they certainly are. "Croaker ' r NEW YORKI BOARDING-HOUSES. 193 rhymes with joker," says Goldsmith's Good-natured Man, i( I; and those whose professional studies necessarily bring : them into contact with the more lugubrious aspects of life, may plead that they are half justified, on the Emer- i sonian principle of compensation, in going to the opposite extreme. We have known sextons and undertakers of decidedly jolly temperament; nor are turnkeys of a par- ticularly misanthropic turn of mind-except in melo- dramas. And perhaps it is time enough for Medical Students to assume the conventional gravity incidental to their vocation when they formally undertake its responsi- bilities. At all events, it must be admitted that whether 1 in Paris, London, or New York, it would be difficult to find a faster class. Our Empire city has three medical colleges, and, of course, a large proportion of doctors in embryo forms part of its population. Being gregarious in their habits, these mostly contrive to board together, hence their claims to a ! chapter in our Physiology. One Establishment in the Fourth Avenue is said to accommodate upwards of ninety of them, and must unquestionably be the scene of many unique and diverting peculiarities, but, unfortunately, we have never dwelt within itstAvalls. Our present subject, though in the same quarter, is much smaller, twenty boarders forming its average number of occupants, of whom, during our stay, upwards of fifteen were Medical - Students. - A common-place,- four-story house, its outward appear- ance, or internal management differed in no particular , from. other third-rate tenements devoted to the same pur- pose. It Was a cheap establishment. Medical Students are not choice as to locality, or diet, preferring to conse- crate their money, whether much or little, to active diversion, rather than to milder gratifications. They are, 9 page: 194-195[View Page 194-195]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 194-195 194 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF too, necessarily, very much of an out-o'-doors population, attendance at lectures demanding the hours of from 9 to 1, and from 2 to 5 ; while their evenings are stpposed to be spent in the dissecting-room. We italicize two words in the above sentence, as it does n't follow that the de- mand is always complied with, or the supposition a cor- rect one. We, in \ common with the non-professional boarders, and landlady, saw quite enough of them in- doors. She was a brisk little widow with fiery red hair, but otherwise rather good-looking, and very good-tempered- unless provoked beyond endurance. Her characteristics might have been summed-up under the heads of approba- tiveness, love of money, and veneration, of which qualities the first-named often neutralized one another, and the third was entirely monopolized by her uncle, who though not an inmate of the Establishment, was a frequent visitor. We believe he claimed the title of a Veteran of some sort; in virtue of which he used to attend meetings at an English tavern, there to drink large quantities of beer, and pass resolutions that portions of the United States government lands ought to belong to him and his com- panions. Now far be it from us to mention the corps irreverently, but this we will say, of him, individually, that he was an unpleasant, snuffy, selfish old man; nor could we ever learn any reason for according to him the deference and respect claimed as his due-beyond that of his having accidentally shot a donkey in mistake for an enemy on a dark night, he being sentinel at the time. (For this patriotic act a grateful country had be- stowed a pension upon him.) But of him hereafter. We "return to our (black) sheep"--the Medical Students. He who bore the bell, as leader (for among half a score of men there will always be a dominant spirit), was a NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 1095' Londoner, who had dwelt, perhaps, ten years in New York. A middle-sized, thick-set, black-whiskered, vul- garly good-looking young fellow, his expatriation was ., rendered necessary by a little resurrectionist operation : / performed in the burying-ground attached to his fathers ;fi x Dissenting-chapel-in consequence of which he was looked upo0 as a sort of professional martyr. We have no inten- tion of separately describing the entire fifteen, but this gentleman played so prominent a part in the Establishment that the above detail becomes necessary. In conjunction . with three others, he occupied the front basement; which, I as in the Artistic Boarding-House, served as a general rendclezvous for the fraternity, who found lcoming in at the area door, or windows, an easy and congenial mode of (J entrance. i It was a very curiously-furnished room. Over the i mantel-piece (which, being of wood, had been drilled into innumerable holes by the agency of red-hot pokers), was displayed an injected human heart in a glass case, and a ,! collection of every variety of pipes, from nargilehs, chi- i bouks, calonets, and meerschaums, to well blackened and odorous dhudheens. A rickety book-case, containing per-(. ' haps twenty dog's-eared, torn, and occasionally lidless :- medical books, and surmounted by a skull and cross bones, occupied the space between two windows. On the opposite wTall, over one of the beds (the inmates slept double), appeared single-sticks, foils, masks, boxing-gloves, : :alnd what might be termed street-trophies, as a fragmentary barber's pole, a gilt pestle and mortar, a bell-handle with a yard or so of wire, and a big board formerly in use as a play-bill poster-appertaining to which we have a story to : tell, presently. A few anatomical plates and pictures of ballet-dancers, a three-stringed guitar, a banjo, and tam- I bourine, an indefinite number of rough coats, and hats of ' i page: 196-197[View Page 196-197]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 196-197 196 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF various degrees of seediness-for Medical Students are not particular as to dress--and an atmosphere redolent of stale tobacco and spirits, may complete these interior de- tails. Our first glimpse of them was upon an occasion characteristic enough to deserve narration. One of the Students-a " new man, froml the Far West--had conl- plained of a rush of blood to the head, possibly produged by over-indulgence in whisky punch, at a little jollifica- tion in honor of his novitiate; and was undergoing phle- botomy. The patient sat, pipe in mouth, in a chair, with his extended arm grasping a huge shillaltgjh (in order to develop the veins), while the practitioner, wnith his coat off, and a wet towel bound round his head (for the purpose of sobering him), operated wtith a broken-bladed pen- knife. Everybody was smoking and-with the exception of the sick man-drinking. They bled him until he fainted, and subsequently rolled him into a corner, hu- manely pillowing his head- with a couple of boxing- gloves. NEW YOR K BOARDING-HOUSES. .197 A vivacious, noisy, and, for the most part, dissipated set, our fellow-boarders' notions of pleasure seemed mainly to center in boisterous animal indulgences. Only when money and credit were at a low ebb were they, not com- paratively quiet, but less tumultuous. At other times the "carryings on" in the basement, and indeed all over the house, were, as the landlady said, " orful." They held hlar- rmonic meetings, and prolonged them far into the small hours of the morning. They got up boxing-matches in iI the garrets. They danced infernal dances accompanied with shrieks and howlings. They chased each other up or down stairs by threes and fours, sometimes jumping lhole flights, and descending with a crash at the bottom. They wrote autographs all over the windows and looking- glasses with thic diamond ring of the party. They re- . rnloved hinges off chamber-doors, that they might ' come cldown with a runr" on the heads of the occupants. They broughllt home fragments of the human. form in their pockets, for or from dissection. Vo-lhave a distinct rec- ollection of a young gentleman volunteering to show us an eye, over the supper-table. (He had it in his breast- ^ . ' . * 'j, page: 198-199[View Page 198-199]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 198-199 198 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF pocket, wrapped up in a cabbage-leaf and a frag- ment of thee leralcl.) The same ingenuous youth al- ways used a little-finger bone as a tobacco-stopper; and on one occasion, created some excitement in an om- nibus by accidentally. allow- ing the great toe of a leg once appertaining to an old lady, to protrude through its brown paper envelope. Such professional luxuries, by-the-by, costing money, Medical Students (who are remarkable for getting rid of it very rapidly) sometimes resort to singular expedients for "subjects." We, strongly suspect that our friends' scientific ardor impelled them to kidnap stray cats and dogs for surgical experiments; as also to bribe the youth of the vicinity to supply them with these victims at the rate of ten cents a head. One evening we counted no less than three ragged juveniles, who, severally, entered the basement, two bearing a bag or sack (which appeared agitated by lively convulsions); while the third (a tow- headed- varlet of tender years) held a newly-weaned puppy by the back of the neck. We suppose this to have been the identical animal which, skinned, and painted of a brilliant red, was, two days subsequent, dis- covered in the ewer of an old lady boarder, when it nearly frightened her into fits, and whom the Londoner wanted to cup and electrify, as restoratives. A similarly reprehensible joke was also played off at the expense of the cat of the Establishment, whom, after stupefying with ether, the Students partially shaved, painting the denuded NEW YORK BOARDING-H OUSES. 199 portion of the body (including the taiD in black and yel- low stripes, zebra fashion. Mrs. - became so incensed at this, and at a subsequent attempt to cleanse the animal by means of the shower-bath, as to give them all notice to quit--but they would n't go. And when the "Veteran" endeavored to enforce their departure, they, after hypo- critically agreeing, made him deplorably drunk on rum and water, burnt-corked his nose and eye-brows, smashed his hat in, tore his coat up his back, carried him up- stairs and deposited him on the parlor-table; in which position he was discovered on the following morning by the servant when she .went to lay the cloth for breakfast. Two of the more active participators in this frolic did ! leave the next day, and the "Veteran," after taking four- and-twenty hours to sober himself, tracked them to a little tavern; and persuading the landlord to turn the key of their room, started for the police. 'ret, on his re- turn, it appeared that the Students must have overheard his intentions, for they had escaped by means of the window and lightning rod; previously cutting the carpet page: 200-201[View Page 200-201]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 200-201 200 THE PHYSIOLOGY O'P of the room and the bed furniture into strips with their pen-knives, as a souvenir for the landlord. We believe the "Veteran" had to pay damages. Our Students, anticipating the privileges accorded by a diploma, would sometimes obtain patients among the poor of the neighborhood. (Most ignorant persons have a distrust of 'hospitals, entertaining the idea that they will be forced to submit to surgical operations within them.) Their practice, as may be imagined, was marked with occasional- eccentricities. We were present when an Irish bricklayer applied to be cured of some mysterious disorder, the predominant symptom of which he described as "a smotherin' of the harrut.1"A Seidlitz powder being administered to him in two doses-the contents of the blue paper first, and the white afterwards-the consequent effervescence took place internally with extraordinary effect. The pupils of the patient's eyes almost entirely disappeared, he gave vent to a howl such as might be sup- N-EW YORK BOABRD ING--HOUSES: 201 posed to proceed from an insane jackal undergoing the : process of being flayed alive, leaped into the air, and rushed from the house. The practitioners used his hat for a spittoon during the remainder of the evening. On another occasion one of them took out a Dutchman's en- . tire set of teeth (they needed it), and it was not till he ' called several times-at last, with a posse of friends armed with clubs-that he could get an artificial set to replace ; the loss. He had rashly paid in advance, and the money had been immediately devoted to a general " bust."5 i It was upon this joyous occasion, if our memory is not at fault, that the play-bill board came into the Students' possession. One of the party getting helplessly drunk at an unprecedentedly early period of the evening, his friends resolved to convey him in triumph to his residence--(he . wias not one of our boarders). So they first stole the said i; board, and then placed him upon it at full length, in which , position he was borne aloft on the shoulders of four Stu- dents, an equal niimber preceding; each one performing upon some musical instrument-a banjo, tambourine, guitlar. or tin trumpet-(captured by the Londoner in sin- gle combat with a fish-vendor); while half a dozen others brought up the rear as a protective guard against the police. Fiortlunately they had not far to go, for the popu- lace, taking it for some political demonstration, manifested the most inconvenient enthusiasm; and on arriving at the recumbent one's Boarding-House, remained cheering out- side and demanding " a speech" for some time. Practical joking, indeed, was quite the order of the day and night, nor did the Students spare each other. They put bad eggs in one another's boots, cold fishes ini each others' beds (on winter's nights) ; and once reduced a boarder's room to a state of most extraordinary dis- order, during his absence, by rehanging the pictures up- 9* page: 202-203[View Page 202-203]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 202-203 '202 THE PHY SI-OLOGY OF side-down, setting -the bedstead on end, reversing the position of the table, prostrating a chest of drawers, block- ading the windows with chairs, and scattering the washincg utensils promiscuously on the stair-case. These proceed- ings were effected in retaliation of the occupant's having brought home, and not invited the Students to partake of, a dozen bottles of Leslies Bitters-lwhich they subse- quently purloined, and after drinking the contents, con- cealed the bottles in the stove-pipe which crossed the dining-parlor, where they were discovered in consequence of the flue smoking horribly. Nlew men from the West and South-(young fellows come to New York from all parts of the Union to study medicine)--were always extensively victimized. As most of these were very ignorant (some could scarcely write their names), frequent brawls ensued. One, originating in the connection of the knob of the basement door with a voltaic battery, for the pur- pose of administering at severe shock to a big Tennesseean (he rolled down the cellar-stairs and almost broke his neck) had like to have terminated awkwardly. Arming himself with a revolver and bowie- knife, he lay il wa it in the passage, only abandoning his watch when he discovered the birds had escaped through the window. Notwithstanding such little incidents, they were, for the most part, friendly enough. Some h1ad pledged them- selves in a ghastly sort of Damon-and-Pythias spirit to claim each others' skeletons, according to priority of NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 203; death. In money matters they were liberal-when they had the means to be so. They wore, and sometimes pawned, each other's clothes. Altogether they might, be considered a very agreeable set of young men-to get away from. How women could live in the house we can scarcely imagine, yet among the four or five noR-profes- sional boarders there were two of them. As for the land- lady, had she not been new to the business and distrustful of refilling her house with quieter tenants, she, assuredly, would not have retained such. Our sojourn might have comprised, about a month-- during which time we probably enjoyed about three nights of unbroken sleep. Finding we could n't get along very well on such a limited allowance, we left; subsequently chancing upon an incident so horrible, yet so characteris- tic, that we shall risk shoclking the reader by narrating it. If peculiarly sensitive, we, herewith, give him premonitory warning not to read it "Happening, then, to meet one of our late fellow-board- ers, he informed us that he had just been attending a post- mortem on the body of one of his friends who had com- mitted suicide, adding that he had his intestines (he used another word) in his pocket-would woe like to see them? I I, I, page: 204-205[View Page 204-205]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 204-205 CHAPTER XXIII. THE BOARDING-HOUSE FRRQUANTED BY BOSTONIANS S a trim, sober-colored edifice of moderate dimensions, in an unfinishedl street on the North river side of the Sixth Avenue. It has trees in front of it, and is within five minutes' walk of the cars, of which convenience, however, the boarders avail themselves much less frequently than similarly- located New Yorkers would do--in fact, only when necessitated by haste or- foul weather. Bosto- nians have faith in exer- cise, and, unlike our faster population, don't rush into a vehicle when they want to get from one block's end to the other. Its mistress claims Massachusetts as her birth-State, a meskalliance with a New Yorker having proved the imme- diate cause of her expatriation from its much-loved capital. -She will tell you calmly (now that years have brought resignation) how the change disgusted her, at first, and NEW YORK BOARDING-H OrSES. 205 how long it was before she got used to it. Nor has she, since her marriage, revisited the ' City of Notions." Her time, she says, is too much taken up. Such is her sense of responsibility for the well-being of the Establish- ment, that she can not conceive of the possibility of its getting along-even for a week-during her absence. So, though believing in her birth-place to that extent of which only a Bostonian is capable, she endures voluntary banishment, devoting her energies to the production of a social atmosphere akin to that in which she was nurtured. Her husband- is a matter-of-fact, business-like man, his wife's senior by years, and inferior by education-both of which circumstances she is very well aware of. He has some clerkish employment in Wall-street, and is supposed to be in receipt of so good a salary as to render it prob- able that keeping a Boarding-House is (strange as it may seem) more a matter of inclination than necessity on the part of his lady. Perhaps she has resolvedupon realizing enough to return to Boston, carrying her husband with her, there to dwell enz permanence; perhaps the avocation suits her, as affording scope for her natural industry and thrift. If you question 3r. --- , he laughs, and tells you his wife:likes it. In person, she is a dark-haired, dark-eyed woman of forty, keen-looking rather than handsome, of robust fig- ure, and always attired with a sort of decisive neat- ness repellent of crinoline and the like vanities. You would hardly mistake her for a New Yorker, nor would she be flattered by such a supposition. Her self-possession is less demonstrative, chillier, and more indicative of latent self-esteem than that of metropolitan dames -for j whom she entertains an unqualified contempt. She main- tains considerable reserve towards strangers, is apt to form hasty and severe opinions of them, and to hold on to such with great tenacity. Her reserve once broken 9 page: 206-207[View Page 206-207]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 206-207 206 THE'PHYSI OLOGY OF down, she becomes loquacious-especially on the subject of Boston. If you hail from that phoenix of moral and intellectual capitals, she may condescend to put you on probation for her liking--if not, you may be a very good sort of person, but it behooves you to stand off and reverence your bet- ters. Mrs.-- knows her value, and that of the place of her nativity. Dispute the latter-disparage it in the slightest degree--put in a word in favor of New York (or any other city) in comparison-she listens to you, not with indignation, but compassion-much as a missionary in Kaffirland might be supposed to do if a savage were to arrogate the superiority of a girdle of ox-entrails over the decencies of broadcloth. Finally, our landlady talks nasally, retaining. dike most persons of eastern origin) certain provincialisms of speech, and is a Unitarian of the iciest and most intellectual description. The house resembles its mistress in cleanliness and prim nicety of appearance. Irish servants, Mrs. declares, don't suit her, either on the score of religion or efficiency. She has engaged a couple of English girls, and being in- formed of their home badge of servitude-ccaps, would have perpetuated it, but that the younger of the two (Wvho is pretty, and has nice hair) rebelled. They, with their mis- tress-she personally superintends the cooking-do every thing. The meals are served to a miracle of punctuality, baked meats preponderate, beans always appear at Sun- days -dinners, and Mrs. ----, assisted by her husband, or the oldest boarder, presides at table. As indicated by the title prefixed to our Chapter, the majority of the boarders are Bostonians, the exceptions being four New Yorkers, and a middle-aged Englishman with his wife and daughter. The landlady's son-a lub- berly youth of sixteen-is, also, decidedly metropolitan, NEW YOR K BOARDING- HOUSES. 20t both by birth and instinct. He spends most of his time in engine or porter-houses, and has fiequently deserted the 1paternal roof (after emptying his mother's pocket of such loose change as might happen to be there), returning in a penniless and ragged condition. The boarders allude to him as a " hard" boy, generally. They-the Bostonians-average from nine to a dozen in number. All are engaged in business down-town, some as clerks in banks, or wholesale stores ;} one, a tall gentle- man in a curly black wig (connected with an insurance office), is married, and his wife, with that of the English- man, her daughter and two single ladies, constitute the female population of the Establishment-none of whom are New yorkers. There is a stiffness of manner prevalent among these gentlemen which is eminently characteristic. 'They seldom go to extremes of fashion in costume, preferring sober colors and quiet patterns. The cut of their' clothes is rather English than Parisian. Some wear narrow-brimmed hats, all-rounder collars and little gaiters, and are prone to attenuated umbrellas.. Very few sport moustaches, clean-shaven chins are not uncommon, and while one, "does the English" with luxuriously-pendulous whiskers (after the style of John Leech's "swells"), another displays a perfect specimen of the old-fashioned mutton-chop order. You will discover, in fact, on acquaintance, that they en- tertain a species of cold regard for Anglicisms, and, there- fore, instinctively annex such as ,do not conflict with Bostonian sentiment. They are a precise and exact race, punctual at meals, not accustomed to make allowances for deficiencies (acci- dental or otherwise), and very tightly buttoned up in their own opinions. Being away from their birth-place they find it necessary, in their daily avocations, to relax a page: 208-209[View Page 208-209]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 208-209 20)8 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF little (as a Roman citizen might have done in his travels among barbarians) and therefore feel it incumbent upon them to be more than usually Bostonian--in their Board- ing-House. New York, they will tell you, is a very good sort of a place for making money, but that is all. It must n't pre- tend to any thing else. They are Bostonians and know better. The relative merits 'of the two cities form the argument of unceasing discussion over the supper-table, some indirect or openly contemptuous remark generally provoking the New Yorkers to the championship of their metropolis; and, though in the minority, they do not always have the worst of the controversy. Yet some of their opponents possess a hard, dry humor which is very telling in debate. They all pull together, of course; the younger Bostonians-though, perhaps, secretly alive to the greater attractions of the Empire City-holding it a point of honor to stick to their party. We have known one of them to break off in the midst of a strenuous de- fence of the anti-smoking ordinances of Boston, to stroll up Broadway, cigar in mouth-being sublimely uncon- scious at the time of any incongruity of conduct. Some of the Bostonians are dreadfully well-informed. It is appalling to think how much they must have read. Nothing comes amiss to them. Art, literature, politics, history, science, religion--they have them all at thleir fingers' ends. If they are particularly strong on one sub- ject, above all others, it is arithmetic, as applied to valua- tion. Like Jews, they seem to have been born with the faculty of knowing the exact worth of every article in ex- istence. You had better not venture any observation, to these gentlemen, on any subject on which you're not thoroughly well-posted. It will be tossed from one to the other and you turned inside out in a twinkling. , . * - NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 209 We have often thought that that King of Castile, who said that he could have helped Providence to a notion or two on the subject of the Creation, ought to have been a Bostonian. The Chinese make maps representing their own count y as occupying the center of the earth, others being depicted as little insignificant spots in out-o'-the-way cor- ners-and this idea appears to exist in the minds of the inhabitants of the American Athens. (Sparta would be the better denomination.) It is the moral and intellectual center of the universe. Other capitals are to be-judged only by its standard, according as they approach to or diverge from it. This localism of character, like that of Englishmen, is rather latent than obtrusively manifest, as though it were superfluous to claim that superiority which ought to be universally admitted. But only question it, and see how quickly it blazes into assertion. The Bostonians of our Boarding-House could always be '" riled" into controversy by encomium on New York. Drop but a word of our forthcoming park, they are down upon you with Boston Common,* inquiring, with an aspect of calm pity, whether you 're aware that it con- tains no less than forty-eight acres! If this does n't knock you over, they state how long it has been in exist- ence. Allude to New York bay, the view from Green- wood or Hoboken heights, they prefer those of Dorchester and the look-out from the summit of the Bunker Hill Monument. Commend Broadway, they incline to then opinion that much prettier women are to be seen, any day, in Washington-street. Talk of our prominent edit- ors, preachers, and business men (as Greeley, Raymond, * We have heard it asserted that every Bostonian always carries a bit of his native Common in his pocket. Our faith in this statement is not implicit; we therefore confine it to a note.. page: 210-211[View Page 210-211]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 210-211 210 THE PHYSIOLOGY ,OF Beecher, Chapin, Astor, Grinnell, etc.), they first trump your remarks with the names of Boston notables (conlinl outt very strong about Amos Lawrence--who appears to have been the incarnation' of Boston virtue pinnacled on money-bags), and then claim the majolity of the fbrmer as of eastern origin. In nothing will they allow, not the superiority, but equcality of New, York with Boston. They cut sarcastic jokes at our expensively inefficient police, dirty streets, blockaded side-walks, post-office, fires, municipal corruptions, and spasmodic attempt at re- form--not without reason. They sneer at our claims to intellect. They declare our conscience- especially in the matter of abolition-is in our breeches-pocket. They ob- ject to our persistence in fraudulently representing New York as the metropolis of the United States; and think Jenny Lind, Grisi, and Rachel very ill-advised in having come here before theft had secured the stamp of Bostonian approbation. Altogether they set us down as a fast, flasshy, ill-governed, temporary, rowdyish, hybrid, money- getting and money-squandering community, who might be a great deal better if we'd take example of-Boston. To all this and more, the New Yorkers in our Board- ing-House have much to reply. Admitting that Boston is the better-ruled city, they still affect to discover spots sullying her cold effulgency. They take objection to the ultra-intellectuality of her exclusive circles, pronouncing it decidedly uncomfortable. They assert that righteous- ness may be so fringed with conceit as to render it a very unattractive garment; and sometimes worn as a cloak or mask, to be laid aside at pleasure. New York, they ac- knowledge, has a penchant for agreeable sins, and com- mits them openly, while Boston locks the door; but whether spiritual pride be,not worse than self-indulgence, admits, they argue, of some, question. Society in that !q NE W YORK .BOARDING-HOUSES. 2" metropblis, they furthermore assert, does not possess the great cosmopolitan heart of England, the outward con- servatism of which it apes; but breathes rather an iso- lated atmosphere, and is content to reproduce under new forms the old narrow-mindedness and intolerance of its Puritan ancestors. As for minor social questions they declare that New York does n't pretend to be well-bred, but that as good-nature is the essence of politeness, so the assumption of superiority is, necessarily, in bad taste. Finally, they maintain the existence of a very large world lying beyond the shadow of Boston State House. These, like most discussions, generally terminate in con- firming either party in their own opinions. The Bostonians are the cooler disputants. We recollect fewer manifesta- tions of hot temper on their side, the worst being provoked by a New Yorker's quoting Fanny Fern's depreciatary mention of their capital as " a band-box-- for which re- mark no Bostonian ever did, can, or will, forgive Fanny. In these controversies a bank clerk-a cool, gentle- manly individual of five-and-thirty-stands pre-eminent. tIe is an opera-goer, and sometimes takes the landlady and, the daughter of the English boarder to the Academy, where he talks learnedly of music-previously stealing his opinions from the -New York Times, which (as every body know's) is the highest of all possible authorities. The younger lady, a blue-eyed girl of sixteen, admires, but is rather afraid of her companion. If he entertain any reciprocal feeling, it has only become demonstrative on one occasion, when perceiving her annoyance at some attentions on the part of the landlady's son, he, to the amazement of all present (it was on a summer evening, immediately after supper), seized that ingenuous youth by the ear, deliberately led him to the door, and there dis- missed him, too much astonished to attempt resistance. page: 212-213[View Page 212-213]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 212-213 212 TEHEPHYSIOLOGY OF The English boarder is a cheery, little, bald-headed man, with scanty whiskers, and gold-rimmed spectacles, a doctor by profession. His wife, a plump, matronly person, las at- tained great popularity among the gentlemen by volinteer- ing to replace missing shirt-buttons. She suffers immlensely from heat and musquitoes in summer, and her particular mission seems to be that of mending stockings. They are both very fond of their daughlter, and anxious that she should marry well, but, consider her " far too young to think of such things" at present. She does n't share that opinion. The two unmarried lady-boarders--we apologize for our involuntary discourtesy in introducing them after the gen- tlemen-are from the crowns of their neat bonnets to the soles of their stout walking-shoes unmitigated Bostonians. (They affect a disdain of those exquisite gaiter-boots so dear to the hearts of New York belles, and their some- times style of chauessre might justify a sensitive man in suing for a divorce, did his wife wear such.) They attend lectures, meetings, Sunday-schools, Bible-classes, etc., etc. They are intellectually religious, and religionsly intel- lectual. They can (and wilD talk with yeou on any sub- dea .o th .rso MT ok bleadterar NEW YORK BOARDING'-HOUS'ES. 213 ject, from cosmogony to pollywogs. Lastly, they are. more clever than lovable, for without wishing to dis- parage mental excellence, it is certain that highly intel- lectual people are not always agreeable ones; and that men - will rather dispense with the former in their wives than with capacity for affection and sympathy. . The remaining lady-boarder (wife to the tall gentle- man) is only noticeable as being much afflicted with the toothache, and accustomed to employing the intervals between each attack in assaulting a big accordion to the tune of '"Poor Dog Tray." We occupied the next room, and having always considered that air an eminently snivel- ing, one, its performance, in conjunction with our being engaged in correcting the proofs of a book demonstrating that the world would come to an end on the Fourth of July, 1855, had such an effect on our spirits that we were goaded into improvising opposition harmony with a comb and piece of whity-brown paper. After two forenoons' prac ce upon that exhilaxating musical instrument, the lady Wve in, or only performed during our absence. SALVER[ANTS L IR ' '*' -ALLOW E D HJ[OADPM7TANCF 111 { lH O F i M IT NO aTTHOROUGH FARE N C E ,1!B 'l cj of I I Or ANTI- mF -' ";'- t' "I '. page: 214-215[View Page 214-215]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 214-215 CHAPTER XXIV. THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHOSE LANDLADY IS A SOUTHERNER. ONLY rich Southerners travel; and such as are induced by business or pleasure to seek north- ern cities naturally pre- fer the accommodation of Hotels 'rather than Boarding-Houses-the St. Nicodemus, as every body knows, being es- pecially avored by their patronage. Yet, as, among our list of Establishments, we have cognizance of one whose general characteristics savored of the sunny South; whose land- lady prided herself on being "no Yankee," and whose boarders hailed mainly from the other side of AMason and Dixon's line, we accord it a Chapter. The house-a Union Square one-was, like its mistress, handsome, and of imposing exterior. You could scarcely contemplate either without being impressed by the as- sumption of aristocratic dignity, the consciousness of position, as it were, common to both. The lady had the gayer aspect: for the house, though a stylish four-story one, with a bit of garden in front, a flight of stone steps leading up to a columned and pilastered portico, an orna- mental balcony fronting the first floor windows, rich mouldings and cornices decorating the entire fapade- was yet of a sober brown tint. Whereas no horticultural fete, no promenade on Broadway when the Spring fash- ions come forth in all their glory, could display brighter colors than Mrs. -- affected. Perhaps she rather over- did the moces, as is not uncommonly the case with South- ern ladies. (However, in New York, they can plead the example of the aborigines.) But in a tall, good-looking widow, with large, brown eyes; black hair (and plenty of it); a straight, decisive nose; and smiling, but willful nmouth, who could object to it? We have called her a widow, such being her nominal condition. In reality, a husband from whom she had sep- arated seven years ago, after less than half that period's matrimonial experience, was extant in California. Report intimated general misconduct on his part, crowned by conjugal infidelity, as the cause of the rupture; and, also, that his lady had subsequently cow-hided him in the streets of his native city in retaliation of certain slanders directed against her fair fame. And, recollecting how she looked on the occasion of discovering that the cook-an obese Irishwoman-had gone to a ball in one of her silk dresses, we can very well believe it. - Why. our landlady had quitted Georgia for New York, unless in consequence of the inharmonious climax to her wedded life, we know as little as why she kept a Board- ing-House. Possibly she was poor, and her pride sus- tained less mortification in seeking subsistence in a distant city than in remaining where her former position afforded scope for unfavorable contrasts. She had followed her present employment five years, ostensibly with success, t- '- ' page: 216-217[View Page 216-217]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 216-217 216 THE PHYSIOLO GY O F yet, as events proved, surrounded by a constant environ- ment of debt and difficulty. ! On becoming an inmate of her Establishment, our ex- pectations of the internal arrangements sustained some disappointment. We had, naturally, shaped them in accordance with the stylish exterior and dressy landlady, but intimacy rather lessened our regard for either. As Mrs. ----'s presence suggested claims to patrician refine- ment which her manners and faults of temper militated against; so her domestic economy 'was unsatisfactory. NSot that the house, or table exhibited any striking defi- ciencies, both being handsomely furnished, but a general untidiness-thoroughly Southern in its way-and origi- nating in want of system, pervaded every thing. It was even perceptible on our introduction to our chamber, a spacious two-windowed one, with dusty curtains, a heap of ashes and cinders in the grate, a marble fire-place (or- namented with tobacco-stains), and a ewer and basin, re- spectively containing three-days-old water and slops. Our landlady (who had not disdained to pilot us thither, though, usually, she made over this duty to a servant), called up a sullen housemaid, and rated her severely, but we subsequently found &" shiftlessness"--to use the pet word of Mrs. Stowe's Aunt Ophelia--rather the rule than otherwise. Beds were left unmade till sunset, the water supply being deferred to an equally late period ;' and then poured into unrinsed ewers. Fires were so hastily constructed that they went out almost immediately-inciting chilly boarders to do the same. The bath-room was always out of order. You discovered yourself unprovided with towels after facial lavation--which is always an aggravating cir- cumstance. Meals -were served at unequal intervals- always half an hour after their nominal time-and the 3NE3W YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 217 cookery, though of an ambitious order, fluctuated in merit, occasionally proving a dead failure. We have known blood to follow an incision in a shoulder of veal, at dinner, and all the vegetables to come up flavored with soot. You had frequently to ask fo-water, the pitchers being unfilled. And all these nuisances, individual and combined, though subject to violent abolition at certain crises, appeared to be part of our normal condition, as we always got back to them. Mrs. --- changed her servants very frequently, and once-in spite of the inherent dislike of all Southerners to " free niggers"--tried a kitchen-full of darkeys. But the colored gentleman who waited at table "sassed" her on a question of propriety (we believe he was discovered applying his mouth to a bottle of sherry belonging to one of the boarders), and he and his com- panions had to quit in consequence. And we entertain no doubt that had our landlady possessed the power-pretty woman, and generally indulgent as she was-the back of JBeauharnois (that was our waiter's name), would have smarted for it. She acknowledged as much to us, over tile supper-table, concluding the conversation with the sentiment that "a nigger would be a .nigger anyhow." Which seemed, indeed, a self-evident proposition. Perhaps the fault of general mismanagement lay not entirely on the servants' side. Mrs. -- scarcely treated them in a consistent, not to say judicious manner. They appeared to have no recognized department assigned to them, individually. A housemaid would be set to-nursing the baby of a lady-boarder; the cook called upon to ar- range the dining-parlor, or to open the hall door. Their mistress' favor or ill-humor was accorded very capriciously. The " boy"e Beauharnois (he was always called boy in the Establishment), obtained a three days' holiday after the Fourth of July, on the condition that he should find a 10 page: 218-219[View Page 218-219]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 218-219 218 ' THE PHYSIOLO GY OF substitute; which he did in the shape of a fat, greasy, idiotic, yellow man, who spilled soup on the carpet, was seized with paroxysms of sneezing while handing dishes, and cut his fingers to the bone in the endeavor to dissect a canvas-back duck; (He was removed from the table howling, and subsequently sent our landlady a bill for medical attendance, which Beauharnois compromised.) Had it been represented to Mrs. --- that a morE uniform sway might have produced pleasanter results, she would have resented the advice. In common with most South- erners, she believed that no adequate service could be ob- tained without the exercise of unlimited authority. Her Establishment-- was an expensive one, the terms being rather higher than the average of similar Boarding- Houses. Some of the lodgers did not pay up very regu- larly; others got in debt, and left without paying at all. Of these last, a flashily-dressed gentleman of, perhaps, five- and-thirty, was a choice sample. Though not good-look- ing, he would have passed for it with most persons, in virtue of his hawk-nose, glossy moustache, and carefully- dyed and trimmed beard. He always wore clothes of the most fashionable. cut, and\ rich vests; sporting also a pro- -fusion of jewelry, even to the coxcombry of displaying rings over his gloves-(as our landlady did, by-the-by). He had champagne at dinner, and was very liberal in passing the bottle to fellow-boarders; as in giving them cigars of choice brands and excellent quality, each being separately enwrapped, as a thing of rare price, in a dried tobacco leaf. To Mrs. -- he was especially attentive, accompanying her to the Opera; and, occasionally, to that odd-looking church in the vicinity, which appears as if the architect, unable, from lack of funds, to finish both towers after the original design, had despairingly extinguished one of them beneath a quadrangular cone of slate-colored NEW YORK BOARDING-10OUSES. ' 219 timber. The boarders-and, in particular, the young, men-thought him at first, a knowing, pleasant fellow, and were ambitious of his companionship; but in time grew shy of him. It was whispered that his " plantation in Arkanzaw" might be apocryphal, that "some of the fellows" had lost a good deal of money in his company, and suspected him of being the proprietor of a faro-bank, to which he had introduced them. A little incident growing out of this brought his stay in our Boarding- House to a sudden termination. There came to it, on his way to Europe (and the Crys- tal Palace Exposition of 1851), a young Kentuckian, a former acquaintance of the landlady's. He had intended I. 'no longer stry than the few days elapsing between his ar- rival and the departure of the next steamer. On the sec- ond night, having drunk deeply of town pleasures, under the guidance of our dubious Arkansas planter, he found himself cleaned out of something like $5000-being the entire sum intended to meet the expenses of his projected tour. Of which circumstance, after shame had kept him silent for the better part of a week, he informed Mrs. --. She counseled communication with the police, which he, from some wild notion of honor, would not agree to. So she privately telegraphed to his relatives; and on the fifth morning subsequent to the fleecing operation, a stalwart, six-foot-five-inch-high uncle of the victim arrived. Why the swindler had not shifted his quarters we are at a loss to conceive-perhaps he anticipated the youth would pocket his loss uncomplainingly, perhaps leaned in trustful reliance on legal or political friendship in New York. Any way he stayed, and had not risen at the time of the uncle's arrival, upon which that gentleman waited upon him in his bed-chamber. What took place in that interview was never precisely , - r -"' page: 220-221[View Page 220-221]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 220-221 220 ' THE PHYSIOLOGY OF ascertained. There were rumors that the Kentuckian opened the proceedings in a very Turpin-like manner, by placing the muzzle of a revolver in the immediate vicinity llhA. of the sharper's head,and presently compelled him to pro- duce from a small port-monnaie (which he wore in his breast, secured by a strong steel chain), the greater part of the sum of which his nephew had been despoiled. Cer- tain it is that we met the defeated black-leg with a very ghastly face, as he hurried down stairs, two hours after- wards, and that he incontinently decamped, leaving only a new valise filled with bricks, old newspapers, odd cards, French lithographs, a broken dice-box, and a book of c"Confessions of a Reformed Gambler i' This stalwart uncle, by-the-by--he stayed a fortnight at the house, and subsequently accompanied his nephew to Europe--was a true gentleman, possessing a naive court- esy and good humor, very pleasant to contemplate. Only on one topic did he exhibit any sort of prejudice-the in- evitable one--Slavery. "He had always been taught," N^EW YORK BOARDING-H O U SES. 221. he said, "to think all Abolitionists. d-d scoundrels, and- he was going to believe it." Apropos of the London Exposition, our Establishment comprised a boarder "who, just returned from a week in Europe, had started with the intention of seeing it, yet never touched English soil. He was a thin, tall Texan, who had gone out " on a spree" in one of the Southampton and Bremen steamers, and being oblivious from intoxica- tion on arriving at the former port, had held on to the latter, where he got rid of all his money, finally returning (on credit) by the same vessel. He complained greatly of a pious Dutch interpreter who would n't translate ver- bal improprieties to UfJlls-de-joie, but endeavored to con- vert them. Also he had got certain Londoners on the return voyage to fudge him notes relative to the Exhibi- tion, that he might not be laughed at on his return to Corpus Christi. We guess he was awaiting the arrival of funds to enable him to perform that journey. But three lady-boarders ornamented the Establishment, two of whom were Southerners-one appertaining to a Northern husband. The other was a fair-haired, fat, little woman, very lazy, very stupid, very ill-bred, and very des- potic in her mode of addressing servants. She attired herself, if possible, more extravagantly than Mrs.-, X and was suspected of a mysterious habit, denominated, in Southern parlance " dipping"-in other words, of chewing sntff--(we can depose to the fact of her smelling like a spittoon, as we sat beside her at dinner). She nourished the most absurd ideas of her importance in consequence of a remote connection with the "first families of Vir- ginia," The "Old Dominion" was more pleasantly represented by her companion, a qmet, lady-like, and rather reserved person, of youthful appearance, though not particularly f . ' . page: 222-223[View Page 222-223]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 222-223 222 THE PHYSIOLOGY OE handsome. Her manners were less familiar and more cer- emonious than is common with New Yorkers. She was highly accomplished, and played, the piano exquisitely- when the other had n't got it out of tune. As dissimilar as,their better halves, the husbands de- serve a word of notice. The first we studied as a good type of the most obnoxious animal producible on this side of the Atlantic-a thoroughly low Southerner. We shall not mention his birth-State, as it might appear invidious. A coarse-haired, vicious-faced individual, of uncleanly, though expensively-dressed exterior (he always looked as if he had just put on a new suit of clothes for the express pur- pose of rolling underneath a bed), his total ignorance of any thing like decency, propriety, or morality, was absolutely startling. He swore habitually, conversed pruriently, jested obscenely, chewed unceasingly, expectorated-pro- miscuously. All his opinions were in extremes, and backed by wagers, or appeals to physical force. Withal, he pos- sessed the most perfect faith in the inherent, inevitable superiority of all Southrons over persons hailing from other points of the compass. Yet he found admirers. For, on his boasting, one morning, of having squandered a couple of hundred dol- lars overnight in places of unequivocal resort, two board- ers, of Northern birth, admitted, "with a foolish face of praise," that " it took a SOUTHERNER to speznd money /" We thought them just the prettiest samples of the genus denominated by John Randolph and the Tribune " dough- face" we had ever encountered. Husband the' second was a brisk, business-like New Yorker, "a Northern man with Southern principles'"-- hence, we presume, his presence in the Establishment. He had an office in Wall-street, and anticipated coming in for an inheritan6e of land and slaves in Virginia on be- I ' r NEW YORK BOARDING- HOUSES. 223 half of his wife. He would prove to you scripturally, po- litically and every sort of way, the blessedness of the "peculiar institution." He was one of the admirers of the brute before described. Yet if the worst-bred man we have known claimed Southern origin, so also did the best, and with him we shall concltde our Chapter. He was a handsome young Louisianian, very frank and good-humored. We have a suspicion that some college escapade had brought him to New York-chiefly founded on his getting us to make, from a daguerreotype, an outrageous caricature of a pro- fessorial-looking gentleman, with a rigid face and a white- choker, whom we presume had officiated as his tutor. (He had it lithographed, and sent two hundred copies to his fellow-students in South Carolina.) We never saw him appear to other than advantage. His easy courtesy, quiet self-respect, and invariable regard for the feelings of others, a hot temper never provoked him to violate. Once, however, we saw him severely tried. It was when the Social Nuisance recently delineated ventured on some jokes--about as delicate as blows from the fist of a pugi- list-at the expense of Northern women. One--wife of Doughface No. 2, an amiable little lady, only noticeable for having a baby which was always cutting its teeth- was present, and looked hot and disconcerted. Where- upon young Louisiana took up the cudgels in the defense, and in three or four trenchant sentences utterly demol- ished the offender. The Nuisance was subsequently boast- ing, after his usual violent manner, of practically resenting his discomfiture, when his antagonist tapped him on the shoulder and inquired if he were talking of him. Our friend looked so unpleasantly resolute and menacing that the Nuisance's " chivalry" sunk to zero in a moment. He i . page: 224-225[View Page 224-225]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 224-225 224 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF blurted out a wery energetic denial, and embraced an early opportunity to sneak out of the room. We must not forget to add that the Nuisance wife We must not :blrget to add that the NTuisance's wife had a strong admiration for the young Louisianian-which, as she cordially detested her husband (who beat her) was, perhaps, not unnatural. She used to question him as to his relatives and position in life with very little delicacy; and invited him to accompany her on Broadway prom- enades, or to theaters, which last she greatly affected. He dodged these advances towards "passional attraction" with considerable ingenuity, and without unnecessarily wounding her self-love-until the occasion of the land- lady's birth-day. Then he utterly offended this Southern Mrs. Potiphar (not a la Curtis, but a la Genesis), by bringing home a handsome bouquet for, Mrs. -- . Nuis- ance's L"lady" took it so to heart, that in disgust at the Louisianian's want of taste, she compelled her husband to find another Boarding-House. We heard that she eloped from him subsequently. * sk ' , 3 e * NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 225 Our Southern Boarding-House is no longer in existence. The landlady failed in business, obtained a divorce from her husband, married again, and is now resident in New Orleans. ,I 0 page: 226-227[View Page 226-227]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 226-227 CHAPTER XXV. THE BOARDING-HO USE 'WHO SE LANDLADY IS FROM: i DOWN EEAST." A DINGY-LOOK- ING, four-story, frame-house in the east-Chatham dis- trict standing all askthe neighboring tenements, nd of such narrow front- erected manufactory. The stat it itselfisveryup- thoroughfare, boasting a Presidential name; the bad smells, children in gutters, tumble-down old houses, and new ones of bright red brick. Exteriorly the particular Establishment we writude of is unpromising; on entering you snuff an atmosphere sug- gestive of cooking-stoenemens, confined air and mice. Yet the ooms are clean, for the landlady pride s herself on the performance of fortnightly scrubbings-out, which always NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 227 come off on Saturdays. On these occasions she and her servant are in a damp and draggled state for fourteen consecutive hours-commencing at 5 A M.; her husband goes out for the whole day, and the boarders are expected to dine in the back kitchen. Mr. -- is a Jerseyman by birth, a New Englander by pa- rentage. He was once-as his wife will take care to inform you-" in the ministry," but lost office in consequence of outraging the feelings of his parishioners by daring to get married without having previously solicited permission of every man, woman, child, and old woman among them. In early youth he ran away from college, turned barber,' spent four years on a whaling voyage, tried farming, and kept school. He now fluctuates, Micawher-like, from one employment to another-from commission agencies of Patent-Hydrostatic-Fire-Proof-Pump Companies, to ped- dling Histories* of Coney Island in innumerable serial parts, with steel-plate engravings. In these pursuits he has so much success as, generally, to lose his expenses. He is always frightfully "hard up," but contrives to meet the demands of his landlord and butcher in some wonder- ful manner, utterly undiscoverable. Probably he, with his wife and family, came to New York on some wild expectation akin to his illustrious pro- totype's dealings in " coals," which, miscarrying, precipi- tated them into the Boarding-House business. If, at that time, they had any idea of its proving a small Ophir or Lilliputian California, twelve years of practical experience has effectually undeceived them. Mrs. -- 's efforts (her husband always calls her "Miss," but we shall not adopt that Down-East peculiarity)-have but enabled them to rub along after a very shifty, desultory manner. She was, formerly, one of her husband's pupils, and is, now, a shrewd, sharp, 'ankee-woman, never at ease but page: 228-229[View Page 228-229]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 228-229 228 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF while working, very neat, loquacious and ungraceful, and equally proud of her pies, husband, and self-as reflecting his importance. A minister's wife, she thinks (indissolubly identifying Mr. -- with his former vocation),'can have but few equals, and no superiors. She wears short dress- es, utterly repudiates crinoline, and tucks her hair away behind her ears. From her pronunciation you would suppose her afflicted with a permanent stoppage of the nose, and constantly engaged in unsuccessful attempts to force a passage by projecting her words through it. Em- phatically, she is a bustling, pains-taking New Englander, with a dry relish for domestic drudgery, but as destitute of womanly graces as a codfish is of whiskers. The couple are very well matched, however, for there 's as much sentiment in Mr. -- as in a candle-box. His only pleasures--so far as we could discover-consisted in hearing his wife talk of him to the boarders, and setting the younger members of his family sums in arithmetic. They are seven in number. The eldest, a newly-mar- ried young woman of, perhaps, two-and-twenty, has a husband employed on the city cars. He boards with his father andd mother-in-law, and sometimes has squabbles with the latter in consequence of her habit of occasionally borrowing $5 bills from his port-monnaie without mention- ing it.- The second, a saturnine youth, one year his sis- ter's junior, is a journeyman watchmaker-suspected of having money in a Savings Bank, and of concealing his book, that his mother mayn't get it. The third takes after his father, has been employed as bar-tender in a porter-house, ticket-collector at a theatre, lottery-office clerk, house-painter and glazier, with intervals of "c agen- cies" and bill-collectings. He is a scampish, good-looking fellow, and his mother's .favorite-of which position he avails himself in pawning her dresses, when desperately NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUS'ES. 229 put to it for a ' raise." The fourth, a girl of sixteen, is only remarkable as being an enthusiastic admirer of the popular novels of "Silenus Gobb, Junior," the whole of which, it is believed, she knows by heart. The fifth, a , lad of twelve, possesses a faculty of non-abashment per- fectly wonderful in its intensity, and is president of a club of boys (established for no definite purpose) which meets in the back-kitchen on certain evenings, 1 and is occasionally l. 1 I,'l squirted at through - 1 the key-hole by, whicthecan never elder buildingare of thers. Theap sixth, a pretty girldescribed in connection ofith the lv Mean Boarding-House, with some few excep- ther entir e physical Establishment, pork predomi- strength andlady exist- NewEnglander, V ence generally to the young est of the hasmily, a large baby, which can never be got to slee under any possible circ umst ances. The ments-served in a darkthat b ack parlor which is scowled upon by a tall rear buildingmare of the heaptar. and dyspeptic character heretofore described in connection with the Mean Boading-o justiouse with so me few excep- tions. As in the "Dfollowirty"EstaRulishment, pork pveredomi- nates. To say that all meats are overcooked, is simply stating the ikct that the landlady is' a New Englander, which equally includes the facts that she has a firm con- viction that g rease ought to form three fourths of human nutriment, and that bread and cakes, which she manufac- tures herself; can't be made without soda, saleratus, and cream of tartar. But we can only do justice to the culinary arrangements by inserting- the following "Rules,) discovered among a page: 230-231[View Page 230-231]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 230-231 230 THE- PHYSIOLOGY OF heterogeneous medley of MS. in the chamber of a literary gentleman, who left without settling for his last month's board. Whether designed as a slight token of regard for the landlady, we know not, but have little doubt that her Establishment supplied the quarry from which the compo- sition, was wrought. As his successor, we plead the right of discovery in making use of it. RULES ELUCIDATIVE OF YANKEE BOARDING-HOUSE COOKERY. The production of Dyspepsia, Liver Complaint and bad complexions being the principal object of this Science, it is advisable on all possible occasions to be prodigal of those valuable ingredients, Pork-Fat and Saleratus. So6up.-Gives a fashionable air to a repast, and may at any time be extemporized from the bones and scraps of yesterday's dinner. The condiments of rice, pork-fat and pepper will be found necessary. The last is indispensable. To Roast Beef.-Procure a certain quantity of that de- scription of animal food known as "1 Boarder's beef," being careful to select it from the corpse of a quadruped which has not suffered butchery by the hand of man, but had the advantage of dying a natural death, and during whose long and us eful career plentiful exercise has compensated for inadequate nourishment. Bake for not less than seven hours in an oven. If, at the expiration of that time it prove horny enough to turn the edge of a knife, it may be con- sidered properly done--and your boarders' appetites also, when they taste it. For Grav, y.-Melt down superfluous bits of pork, and fragments from boarders' plates, and mix with scrapings from the pan which has been used in baking. Add flour and tepid water, and serve in a lukewarm state. I\ NEW YORK BOARDINr'-HOVSES, 231 i , ( To make Fish-Balls.--Procure slabs of vociferously- scented codfish. Soak potato-remnants in hot water. Mix with pork-fat. If you have been engaged in lighting the fire, blacking the stove, or getting coal from " below," refrain from washing your hands before commencing culi- nary proceedings, as additional flavor will be gained. Carefully close all windows and ventilatory orifices during baking, that the scent produced may stimulate appetite. N. B.-Any "Down East" family omitting to have Fish Balls for Sundays' breakfast-preparing them over night- can by no means expect to; get to heaven, at any price. For Good "Satisfying"Biscuit.-Take "seconds" flour and saleratus, mix and form your biscuit. Bake until the top crust is nearly brown, being Ireful that the 1 E in interior retains its original doughiness. Serve hot; as an incentive to indigestion. N. B.-A capital" filling" pud- ding can be manufactured of the remnants. Meat Pie.-When meat is "a little gone," or, for other reasons, unfit for baking, it can always be rendered avail- able in a pie-the never-failing resource of good house- keepers. N. B.-Use plenty of pepper. Pastry-May be purchased at little expense, when stale, from the nearest baker's. Re-warming is an easy process, and, by means of it, the fiction of hot " dessert" can be kept up for any length of time. The inmates of the Establishment, during our time, were as follows: Two journeymen painters, a printer and his wife, a German of unknown vocation-who subsequently frightened every body by having the small pox-a young woman who practiced vocalization ten hours each day; and a very beery glass-blower. These, with the addition of the numerous family, sufficed to fill the house, even to the garrets. page: 232-233[View Page 232-233]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 232-233 -232 1THZE 'PHYSIOLOGY OF Regarding her boarders as her natural prey and heri- tage, Mrs. --'s ruling principle appeared to be that of getting as much out of them, every way, as was possible. To the painters she; suggested that they " might aswell" bestow a spare evening in I touching up" the street door, persuaded the German to go on errands, got the tuneful young lady to immolate herself on needle-work, and secured the reversion of the glass-blower's cast-off gar- ments for her; offspring. Only in the case of the printer's wife did she, meet with defeat. Having successively tempted her with the prospect of quilting, scrubbing dut rooms, mending her (the landlady's) husband's pantaloons -and all in Ivain, she became quite " down upon" the young wife (who was soon to become a mother), and took her revenge by relating painful stories of the dangers attend- ant on maternity. Which, coming to the husband's ears, provoked indignant remonstrance, and a further question arising between him and the landlady as to the quality of the eggs served at breakfast, it ended in the young couplers departure. These eggs, by the way, were not the productions of either of three singularly wretched fowls, who picked Iup a pre- carious livelihood in adjacent gutters and roosted of nights in the back-kitchen. Such as they laid were sold elsewhere for the landlady's profit. Under an economical, though fallacious supposition, that a male bird was an unne- cessary expense, Mrs. -- condemned them for some time to a life of celibacy. This did n't answer, so a rusty- looking Shanghai, with a discordant crow and bald places on his thighs-as if he had scratched off his feathers in getting through a grating, or out of a cage--was added to the ornithological department. The older boarders had a tradition that the family had attempted to keep a cow in the back yard-where she certainly could not have J ' INEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 233 .. turned round, so limited was the area. An extraordinary appetite, on the part of the animal, for starch-as con- tained in shirt-fronts, collars and wrist-bands, when hung out to dry-induced the abandonment of the idea. We have but few incidents to relate in connection with the Boarding-House whose landlady is from Down-East. It is true that the glass-blower-a man with bushy whiskers and no perceptible forehead-sometimes remained in bed, in company-with a bottle of rum, for three days together. We recollect passing his room-door, one night, and seeing the rain pouring in upon him from the open window, while he half sat, half reclined, singing in a maudlin manner "O' the following ridiculous verse-apparently a hybrid com- position of sacred and profane melodies: "Jerusalem, my happy home! q how I long to see The great Menad-ge-ree that went to Milwaukie; And from there they went to Chicago, to see what they could see- And from there back into Buffalo, up the Niag-a-ree. With a fine ole-d English gentleman, One of the oldest kind!" ; ' ** page: 234-235[View Page 234-235]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 234-235 234 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF He used to have rows with the landlady on a subject alluded to in a former Chapter as especially productive of such-coals-which he laid in himself, charging her with annexing them to her own use. She generally told him that he was " a mean man" and a nuisance. We've no doubt the incriminations of both were correct. All drunk- ards are nuisances. There came, as boarder, on the removal, of the printer and his wife, a saffron-colored Chinaman, awaiting the de- parture for his native country of the patron whom he had accompanied to New York. He was a good-humored fel- low, with a tail artificially lengthened by plaited silk, which he generally wore twisted round his head. The painters occasionally treated him to beer and spirits, but never pre- Vailed on him to drink to excess. Yet the slightest en- couragement stimulated him to the wildest exhilaration, when he would laugh, shout, dance and shriek in a man- ner which excited the greatest indigation on the part of the landlady, and the liveliest delight on that of her boarders. Once, he was induced by general- solicitation to indulge in opium-the drug being stoutly maintained as inherently congenial to the celestial stomach, but the effect proved so startling as to render a repetition undesir- able. Ching-so he was called, after making many 'dia- bolical grimaces while chewing, sunk into a sort of muzzy stupor, to presently awake in a state of frantic excitement, when he screeched like a vulture being plucked alive, and asserted that his head was growing so big that the room would n't contain it! Nor until he was half-drowned under the tap in the back-kitchen, did he master the delusion. Our stay in the Establishment scarcely exceeded five weeks. It was brought to a close in consequence of our meeting the landlady's second son attired in our best coat NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 235 and pants, at the High Bridge, Harlem, on a Saturday afternoon. We had long felt dubious as to our shirts being our own exclusive property--and this little incident decided us. H... -. -- page: 236-237[View Page 236-237]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 236-237 CHAPTER XXVI. THE BOARDING-HOUSE IN WHCH ENGLISHMEN PREDOMNATE. ENGLISHMEN-being consti- tutional grumblers (which we consider a respectable quality, inasmuch as it indi- cates- dissatisfaction with every thing that may be made better), are prone to indulge in this national char- acteristic to considerable ex- tent when necessitated to become inmates of Board- ing-Houses. The system militates against their inher- ent exclusiveness, inducing involuntary apprehensions that they may be brought into contact with persons whom they won't be able to get along with, and-what is worse --who will be slow in admitting their inevitable inferiority. (For every Briton, whether consciously or not, has a thorough conviction that he is the natural superior of every body.) , Wherefore they not infrequently endeavor to dispense with these substitutes for homes, preferring a lodging at an English tavern or a furnished room elsewhere. But speedily discovering that living at restaurants with NEW YORK BOARDING-'HOUSES., 237 any degree of gastronomic satisfaction, is not to be done at a lesser expense than would suffice to procure a greater average of decency and comfort at that Yankee institu- tion-a Boarding-House-they presently yield to neces- sity. We have, however, encountered Britons of lively and inquisitive temperament, who rushed into Boarding- House life with ardor, as to an experience proffering them opportunities of deep insight into the various peculiarities of social life on this side of the Atlantic. Probably they iormed a high estimate of American character in conse- quence. The first care of the Englishman whose necessities or inclinations impel him to this mode of existence, is to dis- cover an Establishment which combines the advantages of satisfactory diet, economic charges, and distance from the scene of his daily labors. He is desirous of this hardly- to-be-expected combination of excellencies for three rea- sons. Firstly, he has a truly English regard for good living. Secondly, he (we, with our usual good nature, select a respectable type of the species), is at once prudent and proud of his pecuniary integrity. Lastly, he loves exercise, and exults in a rapid walk down-town, where he "chaffs" fellow employees on their effeminacy in using omnibusses. As might be expected, these lofty requisi- tions have to undergo considerable modifications ere he fixes upon a Boalrding-House which, he thinks, will do. It-we, as usual, draw upon personal experience-is sit- uate on the eastern side of the city, some distance up the "Broadway" of that quarter. A plain, four-story, red brick house, with green blinds, and shaded by alianthus trees. The landlady's worser half (she is English by birth) kept, during life, a London coffee-house, and emi- grating to this country some fifteen iks ago, died in consequence of an injudicious attempt tVote the Whig page: 238-239[View Page 238-239]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 238-239 238 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF ticket in an Irish ward. Upon which, after a decent interval, she married her present husband, who is a New Yorker, and became known to her in his capacity of phy- sician to his predecessor. It was, perhaps, in order to re- lieve his wife of any unpleasant reminiscences in connection with this circumstance, that, immediately on effecting matrimony, he relinquished practice. being generously content to rely upon his wife's exertions for a livelihood. She is a light-haired, round-faced woman, still good- looking, very industrious, and eminently cockneyish in opinions, behavior, and pronunciation. She has no living children, her only relative in the United States being tho mother of her former husband, between whom and the ,present a strong antagonism exists. We verily believe that the old lady--who boards in the house, insisting on paying up, regularly, every Saturday night'only remains in this country (towards which she professes the greatest contempt and. aversion) in order to " serve out"-as she would phrase it--the successor of her son. Which fell purpose she follows up with that sleepless animosity and implacable malignity of which only old ladies are capable. The cause of offense would appear to lie in the fact of the marriage, and her low estimate of the character of Mr. --- . He is, she says, "a regular bad 'un," and " not worth his salt." In the latter of which opinions we perfectly co- incide. Mr. --, indeed, confines his business operations to playing at billiards, attendance at pugilistic encounters, trot;ting-matches, rowdy political clubs, rat-hunts, and bad ger-drawings. To the furtherance of these amiable pur- suits, he is accustomed to extract loans from the boarders, undcer the pretext of temporary pecuniary embarrassment on the part cze Establishment-generally ielling them they can cc tafit out" in food and lodging. Hiis success, " - . NEW YORK BOABRDING-HOUSES. 239 however, is but infrequent, as the old lady always fore-' warns new comers of this peculiarity, accompanying -the intelligence with arn emphatic veto on the behalf of her daughter-in-law. Mr. -- strongly objects to this, as calculated, to degrade him in the eyes of the boarders, and it is said that his outraged delicacy once prompted -him to an attempts at throwing the old lady out of win- dow. But she, defying him and arming herself with a fire-shovel, until Mfrs. -- , who, though a quiet woman, "- is by no means afraid of Iher husband, came to the rescue, it was, happily, not carried into effect. The average number of boarders might be from twelve to fifteen, of whom, perhaps, two thirds were English born; the remainder (with one solitary exception) being Americans. We will give the Britons the precedence in description-first, however, devoting a few brief lines to the prevailing domestic economy, as differing from other Boarding-Houses. page: 240-241[View Page 240-241]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 240-241 240 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF :Englishmen carry their own customs everywhere. They drink pale ale in the Sandwich Islands, and would will- ingly devour imperfectly-cooked beefsteaks in Jerusalem- if they could get em. Hence, though fifteen years, resi- dence in the United States lhad modified some of our l:anlady's culinary Anglicisms, others remained in full in- sular perfection. For breakfast she supplied soft-boiled eggs, bacon, her- rings, and strong black tea-seldom coffee, and never steak. For dinner, alternate joints of boiled or roast- literally roast and not baked, as Mrs. -- at first, with pride, informed us, though we fear the comparatively smaller trouble of the inferior process subsequently in- diuced her to adopt it-and puddings. Pies appeared but rarely, being then of massive construction, thickly crusted, and embedded in big earthen sarcophagi, every way un- like the thin, circular comestibles familiar to American tables. Tea-as the final meal was generally designated- proffered. a frugal display of dried toast, stacks of bread and butter piled like planks in a lumber-yard, occasional shrimps or watercresses, and no preserves. Our landlady's former London coffee-house experience was. a little evident in these arrangements. 'To such fare, then-served ) in cleanly manner, if in no great style-did the boardrs assemble, Mrs. -- , her mother-in-law, or one of the guests presiding. This latter was a character. A little, bald, dimple-faced Briton, he 'had but recently arrived, thus finally carrying out an in- clination which seemed to have haunted him from his earliest youth--he was then upwards of sixty. We should suppose, from his own representations, that his enthusias- tic admiration of the United States had instigated some hundreds of his countrymen to precede him. "There was no kings," he had said, " in Amerikey, and no taxes, s .) NEW YORE BOARDING-HOUSES. 241 so hevery-think" (he was a Londoner) "must be hall right." A dread of crossing the hocean-how conquered we are uninformed--seemed to have hitherto deterred him from emigration. He was sick during the entire passage, and brought with him upwards of seventeen coats, under the impression that he should find it difficult to supply himself with attire in a new country. His intended desti- nation appeared to be Iowa, where he had a son and daugh- ter, but the heat and musquitoes (he was bitten till his face resembled something between a cullender and a gravel- pit)-not to mention a narrow escape from being knocked down and run over by a fire-engine-had effected such a change in his opinion of American institutions that he was not unlikely to return. Pending the settlement of this question, and the recovery of his baggage, which. had been forwarded to Cincinnati by some ingenious bung- ling on his own part, he put up at our Boarding-House. Having known the landlady in the old country, and, in- deed, abetted her exodus to the new, he was on a friendly footing in the family, allowed to carve at table, and very much joked by the boarders on the subject of a presumed passion for the old lady. Foremost among these jokers, and the moral antipodes of their object, was a loud-voiced gentleman of five-and- thirty, diurnally engaged in the wholesale provisions trade. He, during fifteen years' experience of American life, had found nothing whatever worthy of British admiration. Over the breakfast, or tea-table (for, happily, he did n't appear at dinner), he would, on the slightest; encourage- ment, launch out into a flood of deprecation of the "Be- nighted States"-such being his invariable appellation for the country honored by lis residence. Militia companies, the non-universal preference of beer as a national drink, New York firemen, policemen, and newspapers generally, 9? page: 242-243[View Page 242-243]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 242-243 242 TEE PHYSIOLOGY OF Target Excursions, oysterse and Collins' steamers, were the objects of his especial derision. On the lattersubject he might be considered a monomaniac. We remember his nearly getting into a fight with one of the American boarders in consequence of something very like an exulta- tion about the fate of the Arctic. He invariably wore straps to his pantaloons, an "all-rounder" collar, square- toed boots, and a narrow-brimmed hat. He revered Mrs. Trollope, and was a subscriber to the European, which extraordinary journalt may be considered an attempt to establish a permanent weekly raw upon the sacred person of the American Eagle. You could always provoke his liveliest indignation by commending the Sun newspaper. As a fellow-boarder, he was an unmitigated nuisance. Not more so, however, than another, a little, low Lon- doner, whose ignoble face was fringed with sandy whis- kers, who considered the ne plts ultra of existence to be in connection with the Coal ' Ole, Evans', and cockney casinos, who boasted acquaintance with third-rate London actors, and was popularly supposed to obtain a subsist- ence by acting as "agent" in selling drilling-machines, the patentee of which he subsequently swindled to-a con- siderable extent. He had no control over himself with respect to beer and bad puns, and would bore you, by the hour, with stories of 'Arry Widdicombe, and similar nota- bles with whom he professed intimacy, and had, probably, seen once or twice--from the galleries of theaters. When possessed of money he generally got drearily drunk in English taverns, and came home very loud and disputa- * It may be worthy of remark that newly-arrived Britons invariably denounce American oysters, while United States citizens declare that English bivalves taste like bad half-pence. Canthere be a difference of construction in the national palates? Or is it possiblethat both nation are prejudiced? t Now-alas -defunct. NE W- YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 243 C tious. There were traditions afloat that a little auto- graphic mistake-the substitution of another person's name for his own-had necessitated his expatriation; as, also, that the one at present assumed by him was ficti- tious. Mrs. -----'s mother-in-law regarded him with a V degree of animosity only second to that she felt for the "master of the house"-or Americans generally. He was deeply in arrears for board, and had experienced ex- pulsions from other tenements for that reason. i 'The British lion found better ,irepresentatives in other boarders. One, a tall, manly-looking Yorkshireman, blunt in speech, but possessing sterling sense and education, was a good type of the iass so well portrayed in Mrs. Gaskell's North and South. He had quitted Manchester life for twelve months in Canada, but finding farm labor unsuited to him, sought New York, and was now thriving apace as a -cotton-broker. "The old country," he said, "though the comfortablest in the world--if you ]had money--was rather crowded." In which opinion a youth of nineteen, who sported a glazed cap, a suit of dark, sailor-like blue, and a perpetual cigar, coincided. He had just returned, vid California, from Australian diggings, where he had sold revolvers, i and engaged in riots against the authorities. At present he fluctuated between two projects, going to Kansas or joining Walker. We should n't be at all surprised at hearing of his heading afilibuster republic some day. We have to regret that the English Boarding-House afforded us but few lady-portraits, and those of no very prominent characteristics. A bashful young lady who colored up if you looked at her, and was distressingly dis- concerted when you passed the salt at dinner; her mother, whom we always suspected of being the original of Punch's "Unprotected Female"-she had such a painful facility page: 244-245[View Page 244-245]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 244-245 244 THE PHYSIOLOG'Y OF of getting into scrapes-these were rather outlines than strongly-defined individualities. Yet one peculiarity of the last-mentioned lady deserves chronicling. She inva- riably asked every healthy-looking individual whether he did n't come from the old country, and recived negative answers with evident surprise and incredulity. The rest of the English boarders were only remarkable for having arrived in this country in a state of extreme ignorance with respect to its institutions, manners, and customs. Some-not all-knew as little of the United States as a Polar Bear does of playing the Banjo. Their general impressions appearedto have been, that each citi- zen of this republic passed his time in chewing tobacco and expectorating while seated in a rocking-chair, wore short pantaloons, thick boots, a straw hat, and a bowie-knife, conversed in the style of Haliburton's Clock-maker, and maintained a negro for the purpose of daily flagellation--as a pleasurable mode ,of excitement. Which ideas-though rapidly ignored by their owners--afforded considerable entertainment to the American portion of the boarders. They agreed pretty well, in general, though sometimes a strong remark of uncomplimentary nature towards Mr. -Bull would lead to a conversational skirmish, in which nationality ran high on either side. The Britons came out very' strong-as they would have called it-when war was talked of in connection with the Crampton difficulty; receiving the ironical suggestions of the Americans-about getting naturalized forthwith, or journeying certain miles into the interior-with great indignation. The hidea of a -Hinglishman turning his back on his country! Did n't you wish you might get it? Eh? We have alluded to the existence of a solitary boarder appertaining neither to Old England or Young America. This was an Irishman, and however Yankees or Britons NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 245 might antagonize, it was at once whimsical and edifying to remark how they united in one common sentiment of dislike to the Celt. There were personal reasons for his unpopularity. He was an ugly man with no perceptible' eyes, and a face like an imperfectly shaved ape. He seldom washed himself, and smelt of horse-medicines in which he dealt. Every body was at feud with him especially the young Australianized-Briton, who extern- porized an imitation brogue in his presence; and finally' drove him from the house by the persistent utterance of the mysterious sentence, "Snmug himn for a GUy !, This lhe repeated in measured accents when alone in his victim's company. After enduring it for some time-rendered the more annoying in consequence of his utter ignorance as to the meaning*-the martyred Celt left, previously forgetting to settle for his board. ' TWe had occasion to imitate the former proceeding shortly afterwards. * The tormentor subsequently informed us that the phrase was pla- giarized from the street boys of London, who thus suggest the pro. priety. of stealing (or smugging), any person of peculiar ugliness on, the Fifth of November, as a substitute for the effigy of that eminent prac- tical Roman Catholic, Guy Fawkes. If - Ij , . r. page: 246-247[View Page 246-247]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 246-247 CHAPTER ,XXVII. THE "PENSION FRBANAISE." Gil RENCHMEN, and especially Paris- ians, possess but little of that de- sire for domestic population, the cafes, theaters, and places of public promenade being necessary component parts of their existence, and home only represented by a furnished chamber in which to pass the night. Bachelor life in the French capital is almost exclusively of this order, and any one who has resided in thrat most attractive and mercurial of cities will at -once call to mind how common a spectacle is that of a whole family-father, mother, and children-dining at a public restaurant, not once, but as a general custom. We should fancy it about as well calculated to develope home-virtues and domestic felicity as our Boarding-Ilouse and hotel- system--but that by the way. Eminently social as the A} h niht Bahlrlf nteFec aia sams NEW YO RK BOARDIN'G-H O SES. 247 Frenchman is, he prefers taking his meals in places of public resort, and as, in Paris, he can' get them at every possible-scale of prices, generally does so. And if this is discontinued on his getting married, he then aspires rather to an Establishment than a home. ffome, and the love of it, appear to be peculiarly Saxon institutions. When, therefore, a Frenchman expatriates himself- which he never does willingly, as he firmly believes with that most exquisite of cockneys, M. Beauvallet, that there is not, never was, or will be, any thing equal to Paris--he naturally endeavors to resume, as nearly as circumstances will permit, his abnqrmal mode of life. But though New York has its restaurants, they do not afford as many courses at as low a price as those of the Palais -Royal, nor proffer to their guests the inclusive privileges of bread a discretion and a bottle of vin ordinaire. There are a score of places where he can get a perfectly Parisian din-. ner---but at a cost which, if he be poor, as is commonly the case (for he would n't be in the United States were he rich), makes him shrug his shoulders- and sacre with true Gallic energy. For a very little money goes a great way in Paris, and people retire from business on a sum which a Broadway store-keeper would think moderate if paid buit for one year's rent. Rent too, even for a single room, is an important item in the expenses of our Frenchman. Like the Englishman spoken of in our last Chapter, he finds that he can board for an extra dollar or so over the cost of his lodging. So he goes into Boarding-House life accordingly. Not, at first, into our Pension FranFaise. He is pain- fully conscious of his ignorance of the language, and desirous of acquiring it, for which purpose he has pro- cured a phrase book, a French and English dictionary and a copy of the Vicar of Wake field-which work appears , #' page: 248-249[View Page 248-249]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 248-249 248 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF to occupy the same position with respect to neophytes in ollr tongue that Gil Blas and Telemaque do to beginners in French. With the same praiseworthy object he be- comes an inmate of an American Boarding-House. But he does n't get along very well. The Irish servants avail' themselves of his helplessness to neglect him, or to bring hirr what he does n't want, at dinner, the landlady is em- barrassed by his gesticulations and evident misery, the boarders aggravate him with broken English (thinking he'll take to it more kindly when mis-pronounced), and he's not allowed to smoke all over the house and in bed. Which combination of inflictions, finally drives him into a P'ension Francaise. The particular one we select as a type of the class, is in a street leading eastwards from Broadway, not many blocks above Stewart's store. Three or four signs orna- ment its exterior, and an ever-present and powerful odor of cookery-in which garlic predominates--hovers about the portall. Ascending the steps and pushing back the unfastened door, you pass from the hall into the fiont par- lor, where two or three men with hair cropped a At States prison, the bushiest of beards, and the most stiffly-waxed of moustaches, play dominoes and smoke cigarettes all day long. If you're a stranger to the place, Madame or her husband will shortly appear. She is a brisk little woman of forty, with a voluble face, and a profusion of minute, barrel-shaped curls, pro- ject;ing on either side of her head from beneath a very Jim gauzy cap of original construction. Ordinarily, in the morning, she is loose-waisted, short-skirted, and wears an I apronz- retaining, indeed, the latter peculiarity all day. Educated in France, though born in Louisiana, she has traveled considerably and visited most European capitals. IRK, You will find, on conversing with her, that she under- NEW YORK BO0RDING--H'OUSES. 249, stands three languages, and possesses a knowledge of French literature sufficient to set up any Fifth Avenue' belle as an immense authority. We regret to add that she does n't like Americans-making, however, an excep- tion in favor of Southerners. "'They," says she, "are ,gentlemen." Monsieur -- is a little, good-humored man, with a thick Aloustache, which looks as if recently inked, the hair being black but unlustrous, and inclining to gray at the roots. He is as polite and active a man as exists in New York, we are sure. No boarder, though of never so ancient standing, recollects rising before- he, M. --, had made his appearance, and come home at what unholy hour you will, there is M. --, poring, by the light of a shaded lamp, over a great book, to the pages of which, from time to time, he confided mysterious entries. By birth we believe him to be a Swiss, by adoption an Amer- ican, in age, somewhere about fifty. The house is a spacious and not very cleanly one, di- vided into many apartments, partitions having still further economized its original dimensions. We should say there were about twenty rooms, generally comprising their full complement of boarders. Three quarters of these are single men, employed as working-jewelers, lithographers, engravers on metal, etc., crafts where some degree of taste and delicacy of hand is necessary. At least half of their number have been influenced by-.political opinions in seeking this country, and the ones as yet unspoken of are escaped exiles from Cayenne. To Americans and Englishmen the word banishmen- has but an indefinite sound, as rather appertaining to fic- tion, or the politics of other nations, than at all likely to be brought within the range of their own personal expe- rience. We know little of the sad reality, and though it 1.1 page: 250-251[View Page 250-251]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 250-251 250 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF exists within our midst, are not very curious about it. 'Yet, however cosmopolitan the world is growing, few there are who have eaten the bitter bread of exile without feeling the truth of Danton's saying, that " a man does not carry his country at the sole of his shoe." Our Frenchmen have sorrowful knowledge of this. To be cut off from all dear and tfamiliar associations- to find yourself a stranger and an alien in a distant land- to have the acrid element of politics mingling in the current of your life, and tainting all its pleasanter influ- ences--to rage impotently at the ban that lies betwixt you and home-to know the heart-sickness bred of hope deferred-this, and how much more of misery in slow and wearisome detail, is Exile. There need scarcely be superadded to it, as is but too frequent-Poverty. Our banished men are of little note, and we will not pause to inquire whether they fought at the barricades against the drunken and murderous soldiery of Napoleon e Peffit, in his bloody coup de etat, whether they simply cried Vive la Republique, or whether they were but sus- pecteda of wishing success to either fighters or criers. They were condemned to Cayenne for some, or for no cause. Heroes like the big or little Bonaparte can not be expected to be particular as to whose hearts and lives they tread upon in their strides to a throne-as the Reverend Abbott will tell us. But if you want to learn how French- men can curse, just mention the name of the present ruler of their native country. The domestic economy of our Pension Francaise is of a hybrid character, partaking equally of American and French peculiarities. For instance, the first meal of the day is decidedly a New York breakfast, consisting of steak and coffee-rather than a Parisian dejeuner--which would come off three hours later, and might comprise NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 251 pretty nearly every thing, inclusive of fowls, cock's-combs, truffles, cray-fish, lumps of sugar, salad, vin ordinaire, rum, and radishes. But the diner, which is served at 6 P Mt. (no public meal occurring in the interim), is certainly French. It commences with very greasy soup, contains courses of fish, flesh, and fowl-the former in various dis- guises, and the latter so bony of construction and gam- bogian in hue as to excite a suspicion that they must have died of starvation and yellow-fever combined-and concludes with cafe au naturel, and, occasionally, brandy. (Frenchmen, by the way, generally contrive to ruin their digestions quite as effectually, and almost as rapidly, as Amerieans.) These gastronomic performances take place in the rear parlor, a spacious room, looking into an angular court-yard, and a distracting confusion of trees, sheds and buildings. Maps and lithographic portraits ornament the walls, and over the closed-up fire-place are seven pictures, starting, as appears on either side, from the same level, and each hopping centrally until the odd one has triumphantly sur- mounted the clock, which is large, and has itsinternal ar- rangements mysteriously sunk in the flaccid room-paper- ing. There is, too, a big screen, stuck all over with caricatures, scissored from le Charivari, or Joournal Pour Rire, and some older ones of Napoleon the Third, before his assumption of that title. And wherever his evil face and thick moustache appears, be sure a halo of pencilled epithets-as scelerat, polisson, monstre .coquin, liberticide -surrounds it. A sketch of the Count Goggleowski, as he appears on Broadway-from the N. Y. Picayune--is also here. Some of the exiles-especially one or two of. Polish origin-are particularly "down on" the Count, why, we know not. We suspect that Monsieur and Madame share this room; : page: 252-253[View Page 252-253]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 252-253 252 THE PHYSIOLOGY- OF nocturnally, with a fat and formidable old lady, claiming to be Monsieur's mother. We further suspect a big sofa -underneath which one's legs won't go, in consequence of the space being filled with beams and sacking-of affording her the means of repose. She is-we say it with all respect-an awful old lady. She takes snuff in large quantities, is fearfully polite, ravenous after victuals, and always looking sharp after the boarders' payments. We incline to the belief that both Monsieur and Madame synmathize with this feeling, to some extent, good-humored as they appear. French people, after a certain age, often become avaricious. The passion developes itself, not in the American manner-scheming and speculative daring- but rather inparsimony-the shrewdest, tightest-griping, meanest, but most courteous close-fistedness. Our old lady came to the United States twenty years ago, undler a wild idea of realizing an immense fortune by means of a:certain invention (either blacking, varnish, or pills), and retirming to Paris on it. She has resented her failure ever since, and will "fix" you, as a purchaser of the aforesaid blacking, varnish, or pills, on the slightest encouragement. She does the marketing, sells cigars and liqueurs., smells of onions, and is supposed to have a great deal of money hid away somewhere in an old stocking. She distrusts all bank notes, and invariably converts them into specie as soon as possible. It is advisable, in case of your offering her that accommodation, to scrutinize the bills she gives you rather minutely. Of the boarders we have not much to say. They are, with the occasional exceptions of the exiles, cheerful fel- lows, possessing that gaiete de coeur common to all French- men when there 's nothing to depress them-in which case they assume an aspect of intense misery only conceivable in wet cats and their countrymen. All have that surface: NEW YORK BOARDING-iHOUSES. 253 politeness which the self-will of the American and the self-esteem of the Briton ignore-and which has been so felicitously compared by Punch to an air-cushion, inasmuch as " there 's nothing in it, but it eases jolts wonderfully." Chief and jolliest among them is a fat, cross-eyed litho- graphic-printer, who smokes a short clay pipe, sings Beranger's songs, and gets very sentimental on the sub- ject of his mistress when he's drunk-which invariably occurs on the evening upon which he receives his weekly wages. He carries her portrait (somewhere in the imme- diate vicinity of a red flannel shirt), and tells you how the original was desolated at parting. Notwithstanding which he makes love to every available female, including Madame and the Irish servant-girl. So ardent, indeed, have been his addresses in the latter qualrter that on more than one occasion the Celtic virgin has found it necessary '^^si^!1 ""!"!s to shriek for assistance. Upon which Madame calls him tin diable and mauvais sujet, and insists on his apologizing, which he does volubly in his native language. Once, in consequence of the death of a relative,She inherited a ----- '; page: 254-255[View Page 254-255]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 254-255 254. NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. legacy of three hundred dollars. On fingering the money he immediately abandoned work and went on a fortnight's "bust," returning at the expiration of that time without a cent, and with delirium tremens. And though Monsieur and Madame have a sharp eye for the main chance, they nursed him very tenderly until he got well, subsequently tolerating a very irregular payment of arrears. Perhaps it is as well that we should not go into any very minute detail of the furnishings of the upper apart- ments-or the want of them. It may be, as Madame can'tm expect the Irish girl to wax and polish her floors after the French fashion, she objects to the use of soap and water -which we're somewhat inclined to consider a national characteristic. The degrees of comparative dirtiness might be thus stated: Frenchman, dirty; German, dirtier; Irish- man, dirtiest. There's scarcely a European nation but could bear some improvement on the score of clean- liness. With which complimentary remark we quit our %Pen- sion Francaise."' CHAPTER XXVIII. THE GERMAN "( afiOaul. " OUR German is not, in general, a Boarding-House, animal. He pre- fers renting a single room for two-fold reasons-- firstly, from Mo- tives of economy. (As he can sub- sist, exclusively, on sour-krout, to- bacco, and lager: bier, he finds the practice of this virtue compara tively easy.) In the second place, he invariably plays upon some musical instrument usually a noisy one--which practice land- ladies of Boarding-Houses ordinarily object to. There- fore if obliged to make a contract for the supply of his daily necessities, he does it, as it were under protest, and only temporarily. Yet there are German Boarding-Houses, and woere I .eoe folgdt aeacnrc o h upyo [ hs aiy eesites h de i, s t erunerprtet page: 256-257[View Page 256-257]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 256-257 256 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF many more before the conversion of Castle Garden to its present purpose. We select one as a sample of the class. As few besides poor Germans board-prosperous ones soon finding a home of their own-it will, of course, be an humble Establishment. e By far the greater proportion of the needy, too, contrive to lodge, singly, or in twos and threes, with some fellow-countryman. Premising, then, that our Chapter claims to depict only the lower, (though not the lowzest aspect) of Teuton life in this city, we proceed. Every body knows Greenwich-street-for which excel- lent reason we shall not inflict a description of it upon the reader. It is there-as, where else should it be-that our German Gasthaus is located. An old-fashioned building, the by-gone respectability of which is not en- tirely effaced by its decayed fortunes and the accumulated neglect and dirt of three quarters of a century-such a one, indeed, as Diedrich Knickerbocker might, in his school-boy days, have known as a stylish and newly- erected mansion. Its front is now so weather-stained and grimy that the original bright red brick-work is in- visible, its roof is broken and leaky, its parlor converted into a lager-bier saloon. Between the windows of the lower story are various signs notifying this fact to the German public, which inscriptions, together with long lists of the names of Western cities (our Gasthaus has a "forwarding agency" for the sale of railroad tickets), are all in that mediaeval type which, in our eyes, renders a German newspaper an anachronism, and make us feel co- temporaneous with Faust and Guttemburg. The three or four ricketty wooden steps of the stoop are generally oc- cupied by as many children-little, tow-headed, blue- eyed, coarse-featured urchins, as Teutonic in appearance as though they had just stepped out of the pages of the :. . . Fl . NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES 257, Fliegende BlOtter. Entering the t' saloon," you observe a plain bar-counter fitted up with bottles, etc., sundry bar- rels of lager-bier, a cheap Yankee clock, and some coarsely- executed lithographs--mostly on revolutionary German subjects, as the execution of Bliim, barricade scenes, and the like. Near the windows there will probably be a group or two of short, and very hairy men, talking over little tables and lager in the most guttural of accents. But the landlord claims our attention. He is a stout, middle-sized man, with a broad, good- looking face, light, curly hair, short beard, and shaven upper lip, always in his shirt-sleeves, and seldom out of temper. Most in-comers-for whgm he always has a word of greeting and a remark on the subject of the "'vedder," address him by the abbreviation of some Christian name-Hans, Gus, or Franz, as they please-he answers to each indifferently. He is also a /mbei of a German militia company, and looks very portly and mar- tial on parades and' target excursions. Generally, he is popular with his customers, in spite of a sharp eye towards dollars and dimes-and especially so with the ladies. But not more so than his wife is with the gentlemen. She is equally bulky in appearance, but dark-haired, and very talkative-so much so that conversation with her rapidly glides into a monologue, in which you play the part of listener, and, if- unfamiliar with the German ac- cent, a helplessly-confused one. Ordinarily she dresses in black (perhaps in memory of two former husbands), with large carpet slippers; and sits in her chair in a rather masculine position. As industrious and -pains-taking as her husband, she is a jolly, hearty woman, with a propor- tionably large appetite, a laugh and joke for male board- ers, and a ten-widow power of tongue. Give it scope, she will tell you stories of German student life, or repeat page: 258-259[View Page 258-259]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 258-259 258 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF whole poems of Schiller, Goethe, or Uhland, with the same zest that she displays for the sausage of her'native country; nor does she appear conscious of incongruity while discussing both at the same time. Herr - and his wife have been engaged in their pres- ent business for upwards of fifteen years, and are sup- posed to have made money enough to retire on a farm, did they so choose. But if Germans can be content on little, they are tenacious of certain profit--so, though times are harder of late years, our landlady and her hus- band still keep a Gasthaus. It may accommodate upwards of twenty boarders, the average number being, probably, less. There are very few married couples among them, and two thirds consist of newly arrived immigrants, who intend remaining in the city, but will, on the first eligible opportunity, find private lodgings. Mpeantime it is our business to photograph them. Were one to drop in at our Gasthaus between the hours of 12 and 1 P. M., and to pass behind the screen which partially conceals the interior of the back-room, the Establishment would be visible under its most Germanic of aspects. Dinner is then in progress. Two tables are spread at either side of the room, at which the boarders assemble, sitting very close together, for other guests contract for their mid-day meal, and, sometimes, chance customers are present. The room is full of persons, noise, and culinary odors of the most powerful description. Evidently the Teutonic stomach is no squeamish one, as the viands provided testify. Huge dishes of baked pork swimming in grease, rank cow-beef, half-warm sour krout (the nastiest edible, we think, claiming that name), dishes of prunes and dried apples, and soup apparently derived from cabbages, stale beer, and moldy beans, constitute :NEW YOR B OARDING -H OUSES. 259 the fare provided. And judging from the rapid manner in which every thing disappears down the throats of the company, the meal is very much to its liking. The newly arrived immigrants, fresh-or rather stale- from five weeks' experience of salt-water and steerage life, are the most active of trenchermen. Many of them still wear the queerly-fashioned habiliments which served them on the voyage, and'a more motly and picturesque group it would be difficult to imagine. Long green-baize coats, with curious red worsted embroidery illustrating their capes and pockets; scanty coats of strange colors, and fitting so tightly that you involuntarily fancy their owners have grown into them and could n't take them off if they tried; pantaloons like collapsed balloons, or the skins of mammoth sausages; brightly braided and long peaked caps; ugly-shaped and shapeless hats; shoes looking as though the feet wearing them had been dipped in ink and permitted to dry; list slippers, leather slippers, gorge- ously-beaded slippers, and compressive, knobby, corn-sug- gesting boots-all these are here,-and much more than we can depict or describe. Among the wearers are grim, wiry-haired, bristly- bearded old men; stumpy, harsh-speaking young ones, with moustaches so stiff and prickly in appearance that you fancy they might draw blood if heedlessly touched; ;wo- men who in their youth could never have looked pleasant or feminine, and who now have faces as hard as those drawn by Albert Durer, and as wrinkled " as a wet cloak ill-laid up ;" young and buxom frauleins, and unlimited children. These last have to wait until their seniors' appetites are satisfied, which ordinance they submit to with some impa- tience, making rushes at each chair as the sitter va- cates it. - Directly any individual has "got through's with his page: 260-261[View Page 260-261]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 260-261 260- THE PHYSIOLOGY OF dinner, he commences smoking, with or without the ac- companiment of lager-bier. (Indeed the fragrance of the herb Nicotina is omnipresent on the premises.) Pipes by far out-number cigars, and you might venture a guess, with a tolerable certainty of its proving correct, that the smokers of the latter are those who have been longest in this country. And the concourse thinning rapidly, very soon only some few old men, women, and children remain, if in summer, to sun themselves at the open windows of the bar-room, if in winter, to draw closer to the red hot stove. At early morning and evening the same scene, with some modifications, is repeated. But the two rooms, both front and rear, present an especially lively spectacle on Saturday nights, for then, after supper, the boarders give themselves up to unrestrained enjoyment. If there are no professional "musicians among them (a very wild supposi- tion, by-the-by), in all probability every man, woman, and child performs on some favorite musical instrument-so there's no lack of harmony. Generally, too, one street-organ relieves another, outside. Hence the amount of cotillions, waltzes, polkas, schottisches, marches, gallopes, mazourkas performed, might astonish any body but a German. They sing, too, of Fatherland, and the Rhine, of Wine, and Beer, and Maidens, and swill immeasurable lager in honor of that quintette of agreeable institutions. They exult in remarkable choruses, two favorite ones being that of the "Ieathery"Burschen ditty translated in Longfellow's ffyperion, and a mysterious refrain attached to a song immortalizing the achievements of a certain Doctor Eisem- bach, which appears to run thus: "Swiddy, widdy, wim, pum, PrM." -each word increasing in vehemence upon repetition. NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 261 Occasionally, too, they indulge in that harmonic bacchau- alization known to the initiated 'as a Salamander-which consists, to the best of our recollection, of the following , ". performance: Rising alternately, each individual elevates his lager, sings a little, and drinks a little; on repetition emptying his glass and turning it upside down in proof of having done so. Upon which every body thumps on the table, stamps with his feet, drums with his fists, makes as much noise as is possible, and otherwise keeps time, laughing and shouting uproariously. Above and around all these proceedings a dense and ever-prevailing fog of tobacco-smoke hovers, shrouding the company as com- pletely, as, on a certain Homeric occasion, the clouds did Jupiter and Juno on Mount Ida. The house closes regularly at 12. We shall not follow our friends into their dormitories, which are uninviting , enough, preferring to devote the remainder of our Chapter to a few additional particulars of the Germans generally. Sunday-in the United States and England the dullest, page: 262-263[View Page 262-263]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 262-263 262 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSESo -most stupid, and often the most irrationally passed day in the week; either a stolid resting-place from a routine of utilitarianism and money-getting, or an irksomely-endured interval of puritanic privation from all pleasures, however harmless--is a great day with the Germans. In summer they invade Hoboken and Staten Island in innumerable hol- iday groups, or crowd the decks of the little steamers that ply on the broad bosom of the beautiful Hudson, to Bull's Ferry, Fort Lee, and the like easy distances. These are economic enjoyments, as they mostly take their edibles- and often drinkables--with them. The only excesses committed are in dancing and lager--and, as every body knows, lager is a beverage that does not intoxicate. Re- turning at eventide they throng the musical tave6ns, the Volks' Gartens, the Germanic precincts of the Bowery, where music, tobacco, and lager--necessary component parts of Teutonic existence-are to be had in their full perfection. Altogether they are a hard-working, honest, good-hu- mored solid race.--the best raw material which Europe sends hither to be ground into American citizens. I n Xsib? \ i CHAPTER. XXIX. TE IRISH IMMGRANT BOARDING-HOUSE (AS IT WAS). I E charge of a per- verse conservatism of character which renders its posses- sors very. slow in ! doing away with open and ackno wl- some show of jus- tice, by Americans, against English- men. Yet if the conduct of New Yorkers may be taken as a sample of national feeling, we are equally liable to the same reproach. Abuses worthy- of the rottenest despotism that ever produced barricades in the streets of a European city have flourished (and do yet flourish) in gloriously diabolic vigor in our metropolis; every body knowing of, but few caring to do aught but contemn their existence. i But the legalized villany that grew rich by transform- ing the raw material of self-helpful labor that reached our i shores into paupers and criminals, has succumbed-at ' j i ( . ' . O page: 264-265[View Page 264-265]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 264-265 264 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF last. So far we may plume ourselves. Yet how many in- habitants of Blackwell's Island, tenants of States Prisons, and miserable street-outcasts, owe their degradation to that most iniquitous system? The profession of Immigrant Boarding-House Keeper is not, however, entirely extinct, though shorn of its more odious features, and every way possessing less opportuni- ties of preying upon the stranger. Ignorant as Irishmen may be, they are scarcely blockheads enough to walk from the admirably-conducted depot at Casfle Garden to such a sty as we shall presently describe. Those who lhave Western destinations-the majority-are at once for- warded thither by the most expeditious and economical routes. Those who, unwisely, prefer remaining in New York, generally find private lodgings. Some few improvi- dent single men may fall a prey to the sharks whose ra. pacity was formerly so fully glutted, but for the most part they may be compared to the ogre-giant in Pilgrim's Progress, who sits at his cave's mouth grinning and biting his nails in impotent spleen, because he can not come at his former victims. We have, therefore, appended a retrospective qualifica- tion to the present Chapter's title. Our book would be, incomplete without a type of a class of Boarding-Houses formerly so numerous. Without further prelude we pro- ceed to depict one. A plain, brick edifice, in one of the river-side streets of the lower portion of the city; its ground floor fitted up as a low groggery, its proprietor's name (which is as Celtic as his countenance) and calling displayed in attenuated yellow letters on a black board over the doorway. On pushing your way through the crowd of immigrants, "runners," carmen, '" dock-loafers," and blackguards :-en- elally, which constantly overflowed from the bas: zoom NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 265 into the street, you observed that the place was furnished with some half dozen decanters, thrice that number of i tumblers, a few cigar-boxes, pipes, and matches, and a ' saucer full of "'fiee" tobacco-for the gratuitous use of 8 customers. Two or three barrels of the coarsest and i commonest description of spirit distilled from Indian corn, and colored to represent brandy, rum, or whisky, -i comprised the store of liquors. Cheaply-colored litho- M graphic portraits of Washington, O'Connell, the vitrioli- cally-patriotic Mitchel, and President Pierce, a copy of "Emmett's Speech"-all of which had apparently served I as a rendezvous for several generations of flies-a Con- necticut clock, and a chair or two, completed the picture. The landlord, a thick, squat, muscular fellow-he had risen to his .position from that of "'runner"-possessed a countenance equally indicative of cunning, rapacity, and brutality; its general expression being the more odious for the mask of blather and blarney ordinarily assumed by its owner, when desirous of giving Nature the lie in per- H suading you that he was a very good fellow. He had been an adopted citizen of the United States, and his ten- ement a "Licensed Immigrant Boarding-House" (paying ten dollars every twelve months to the city government) for some years. Hence he was legally required, " under a penalty of $50, to cause to be kept conspicuously- posted" in the public rooms of his house, "in the English, German, Dutch, French, and Welsh languages, a list of ;. i the rates of prices charged for board and lodging'"-which - enactment he manifested as much care in obeying as did the municipal authorities in compelling him to do so. He was unmarried, though a plump, coarse-featured young woman of half his age arrogated the position and title of his "lady;" four or five unwashed, unkempt urchins having sprung from the connection. "Mrs."- - T i 12 page: 266-267[View Page 266-267]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 266-267 266 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF had also two brothers, who officiated as ' runners" to the Establishment. Few New Yorkers require to be told what a " runner" attached to our Immigrant Boarding-Houses is like. Their city is unfortunately prolific of the raw element of which such scoundrels are composed. Big-fisted, double- jointed "( shoulder-hitters," who pride themselves on trav- eling through life " on their muscle';" demi-savages of civilization, and far more dangerous than the real, inas- much as they possess greater scope for evil--whether as professed pugilists, election bullies, recruits for fillibuster- ism, or (runners" for Immigrant Boarding-Houses, the stock is identical. And as the turning out of our citizens in considerable nurmbers, to do honor to the funeral of one of the class is yet within the memory of the present gene- ration, it is to be presumed we entertain a due respect and admiration for them. We believe that those attached to ourjmmigrant Board- ing-House confined their operations to what might be termed the legitimate branches of their craft, as swindling, bullying, and despoiling such of their luckless countrymen as could be decoyed Mnto the place. (There are darker accu- sations againstthefraternitywhichwe shall onlyallude to.*) Like most of their tribe, they were eminently successful. Immediately beneath the bar, and only accessible to the landlord or his agents (one of whom officiated as bar- tender, under the designation of "'steward") was "'the baggage-room," a small, damp, rat-haunted cellar, always kept securely locked-ostensibly for the better preserva- tion of the boarder's property, in reality to- keep it from him, in case of default in or demur against the payment * Such as catering for houses of ill-fame, and supplying them with victims at so much a head. German " runners" appear to be peculiarly liable to this charge. NEW YORK BOARDING-RI OUSES. 267 of any sum the-landlord might think proper to extort-- according to law. And behind the bar, in a dirty, low. roofed chamber, used as a parlor dining, and general sit- ting-room, at all hours of the day, and nearly all hours of the night, the boarders congregated . Old immigrants and young, babies, boys, girls, men women, married couples, grandfathers and grandmothers. Paddies in the caped and high-waisted frieze coats, the brimless caubeens, the knee-breeches, woolen stockings, and rusty brogues of immemorial tradition. Paddies with the "hanging-bone, gait, the forelck: (to be pulled in token of subjection), the low brow denoting the serf of fifty descents, the shillalagh and inevitable dhudeen. Pad- dyesses- whose arms/were oily less thick than their waists or speech; withered old women, who seemed to have' come into the world predestinate street-vendors of apples and peanuts; children considerably dirtier and much less wholesome-looking than the bad potatoes they could di't get enough of at home-in short every variety of those strange birds i whose necessities or whose in r - . . hmo nr(- ) . chlnatons induce them: to wing ' :v, C"-- ntheir way from the , ; . 1 page: 268-269[View Page 268-269]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 268-269 268 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF parent nest across the Atlantic-were here. And perhaps it is well for us that they do wing their way hither, as 4" our Model Republic," to quote the words of one who told us many wholesome though unpalatable truths, "would find it very difficult to get along without them." The upper portion of our Immigrant Boarding-House was divided into innumerable rooms, or rather closets, each one being filthy and noisome in the extreme, infested with all manner of vermin, and holding as many straw -mattresses, ragged quilts, and dirty blankets as sufficed for the nocturnal requirements of the boarders-eight or ten of whom, without regard to sex or age, were crowded into spaces fit only for one or two. Decency was, of course, entirely out of the question, the only object being to stow away as many sleepers as possible. 1 Thus lived, and sometimes died, when cholera or ship fever happened to break out among them (in which case Potter's field obtained a few tenants, and the city paid expenses) the inmates of the Immigrant Boarding-House, until, under every variety of fraudulent pretext, they had been robbed of as much money and time as could be wrung from them. Exorbitant charges for board and cartage, in open defiance of municipal regulations, pay- ments enforced by ruffianism, detention of property, and, if necessary, perjury-these were but the commonest ex- periences of the poor Irish immigrant, and too often those of the German and Englishman also. Finally, he was de- frauded of the last few dollars in his possession by a forged railroad ticket, which deposited him at some three or four hundred miles less distance than he had paid over fare for. And there we leave him. It is known that before the devotion of. astle Garden to its present excellent purpose, there were upwards of a thousand persons engaged as Immigrant Boarding-House NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 269 keepers, agents, '" runners," etc. Granting the improba- bility that among these some were honest, fancr the. hordes of victims required to sustain such a brood of harpies! *I o'e ' page: 270-271[View Page 270-271]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 270-271 CHAPTER XXX. THE' CHNESE B O A RDING-HOUSE FEW, if any of our readers, whose daily peregrinations have not made them familiar with the slim figures, the yellow-soap-colored complex- ons, the pig-eyes sloping angularly into the low, flat foreheads of such inhabitants of the Flowery, Country!as we have among us. Be- hind little stalls, or holding trays containing bad cigars and cheap confectionery, they haunt our public places; or squat despondently under some authorized covert, relying on charity as stimulated by a printed or written placard, worn tabard-wise on the breast. Few New Yorkers, we say, but have observed them. Yet how many of us have cast a stray thought in such direction as where do they eat, drink and sleep? and how are they lodged? We are as little interested in the matter as in the internal affairs of China itself, and know still less. For that Celestial Empire, in spite of Hue, Bayard Taylor, Ida Pfeiffer, and similar enterprizing and intelli- gent travelers, yet appears half fable-land to us. We NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 271 have indistinct impressions of a large and densely popu- lated country of impracticable conservatives, employed in the culture of tea and silk; addicted to lanterns, pagodas, opium, banqueting on puppies, birds' nests, and kittens, and to infanticide-not to mention the production of dwarf trees, elaborately-carved and utterly-useless articles in ivory, and similar branches of idiotic industry. We know they are partial to dragons, both in a pictorial and theo- logic sense (and should n't be surprised to learn that that mythologic monster yet survived in the interior); that the women have little feet, and the men shave their heads with chisels; that they .try to frighten their ene- mies, in war, by making diabolic noises and painting hideous visages on their shields; and that they are now simultaneously engaged in a murderous revolution and a war with Great Britain, wherein it is to be hoped that large numbers of them will 'be rapidly improved off the face of the earth-and this is about all. Charles Lamb's immortal story of the Origin of Roast Pig might be an authentic page from Chinese History for any thing we can tell. So, too, we know little of the luckless Celestials of New York, unless a stray newspaper paragraph have enlight- ened us. But, reader, accept our convoy, and you shall visit a Chinese Boarding-House-perhaps two. Down Broadway--for you,- of course, live up-town-as far as the City Hospital; and then crossing to that sinuous thoroughfare which cork-screws its way southward to the Battery (and which we always think of in connection with'those New Amsterdam cows whose meanderings, as recorded in Diedrich Knickerbocker's Histpry, originated the plan of the future city)-we proceed until in sight of that colossal edifice comprising the largest publishing estab- lishment in the United States, if not in the world. And page: 272-273[View Page 272-273]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 272-273 272 THE, PHYSIOLOGY OF then, turning into a mean street, inw the center of which the mire and filth of three months have accumulated mound-high; where low groggeries, Sailors' Boarding- Houses, "slop-shops," and rag-and-bottle establishments line either side of the -way; we will dive down a narrow :lley just wide enough to admit one at a time, beside a Dutch grocery, in the rear of which is a low, timber-built tenement. A frowzy Irishwoman presiding at an adjacent apple-stall, after the usual Celtic repetition of our ques- tion, and the look of distrust (intimating that she may conceive it her interest to deceive us)-has assured us that " it's the Chaynee Boarding-House"-so we will enter. Up the rickety stairs then, being careful to avoid hat- concussion by the way. The house has but two stories, and we soon stand in front of a low unpainted door, which, without waiting for Celestial permission, we open.' Pah! what an atmosphere! A horrible odor! and of a mysteriously compound character, utterly unlike any thing which hat heretofore offended your nostrils. The breath of men rendered foetid and poisonous by the exclusion of ventilation, the reek of strange cookery, the vapid, bitter taste of opium, the fumes of stale tobacco, and, perhaps, other unguessable abominations, make you gasp and sicken, as though plunged into a plague pit. You have a strong inclination to break half-a-dozen panes of the hermetically closed- up windows--but repress it, take a seat and cigar, put a bit of tobacco in your mouth-any thing to change the predominant flavor--and look around you. It is a queer sort of apartment, two of its sides being fitted up with beds arranged like berths in the steerage of an emigrant ship, one above the othtr, only more roughly put together. Each shelf is calculated, -apparently, to NEW YORK BOARDING-HOU'SES. 23 hold from one to three persons. There are odd toys, fans, and incongruous-looking articles you would be puzzled to imagine the use of, on the walls, and some cheap prints. A Chinaman is cooking something at a stove in the center of the room-you wonder the fire don't go out in such an atmosphere. Six or seven others are present, and we'll now take a look at them. Flat-faced, high-cheek-boned, squint-eyed, swarthy-hued, stunted, fragile-looking mortals, of such hideously, yet pitifully repulsive aspect, that one feels humiliated in ad- mitting their claims to brotherhood with humanity. Mis- erably clad, too-mostly in loose woolen frocks, with their long plaited queues of coarse black hair gathered in a circle on the top of their heads. They steal sidelong glances of impotent curiosity at the strangers. One, how- ever, is attired in European costume and speaks a little English.' To him we address ourselves. He informs us that upwards of fifteen occupy that apartment, and that he "boards" them for $3 per week, renting the floor from the keeper of the Dutch grocery below. That they are very poor, and get their livings by peddling cigars, working in wholesale tea-warehouses, or mendicancy, with' occasional employment about the, docks and shippitg--thoiugh in the latter he adds, they are liable to be ill-used by the Irish or Germans. That they came to this country in the capacity of ships' stew- ards, cooks, or sailors, their average experience of it dating from -one to four years. He himself has been here five, and rather prefers New York to Canton. Finally, he wishes to know whether we don't want men to load or unload a vessel. Responding with a mild negative and extemporizing a pretext for our visit, we venture another question or so. Do they all live in that apartment? He nods, and points 12' page: 274-275[View Page 274-275]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 274-275 274 THE PHYSIOL OGY OF to the shelves and closets. It is plain that they do, using it for culinary and other purposes. Are they ever sick? Oh, yes--four of them have died in that room within that number of years, the expenses of their funerals being defrayed by contributions among themselves. They kept them during their sickness, too. Poor Chinamen!-What sort of food does he provide for his boarders? (We ask this with a glance at the culinary Celestial, and a latent suspicion that he might, on his over-night's return home, have kidnapped some lady's i "sweet pet" of a lap-dog with I' the intention of practically test- ingthejustice of the ep- . . . . ithet.) But the answer Ir is, chiefly rice, always 4 tea, sometimes coffee, and never bread. We express our, obligations, and proceed to another and a delicate question. Are there any ladies among them? Our informant don't or won't understand us. But we have noticed the door of a closet at the further end of the room partially open, and a more than usually ugly Celestial countenance protruded therefrom. We take a step in that direction under the pretense of admiring a singular bird-cage-like something between a pagoda and a dog-kennel-the door closes suddenly! The Chinamen look as if they considered their domestic arrangements as none of our business, and have evidently arrived at the conclusion that we are rather ill-bred persons. We men- tally acknowledge that our action has afforded them grounds for the supposition, make our adieu, and depart, in the .full conviction that we have looked upon a real Celestial lady. NEW Y ORK BOARDING-HOUSES, 275 It is very bad liquor we shall get in the Dutch grocery, nor is the atmosphere particularly pure-but any thing after the effluvium above, is a change for the better. So while sipping at, or spilling on the saw-dusted floor, a half glass-full of fiery spirits, we endeavor to extract some in- formation from the landlord on the subject of his lodgers. But he's sullen and incommunicative, and evidently dis- posed to suspect the existence of some covert object in- imical to his interests. He don't know whether there are many Chinamen lodging thereabouts.- Has heard so. Perhaps there's a hundred or two of 'em, altogether, living in New York-he should n't think there was more. Some lives in Gold-street. His are decent, peaceably-dis- posed. men, who never interferes with you, if you never interferes with them; and pays their rent regularly. What is their rent? Well, he don't see as he 's bound to tell you. He guesses you don't want to take board there, do you? And that's all we got out of him. We will try this bushy-whiskered, hairy-necked sailor, who, with his low-crowned, black-japanned hat perched on the very back of his head, is ventilating himself at the street corner, and both gnawing and smoking a cigar at the same time. Ay! ffe knows. He's seed the John- nies goin' into that there doorway next block, 'side o' the grog shop with the name of----over it. There's a -- of a lot on 'em too. We pause to inquire in the " grog- shop," and the proprietor, an unnaturally civil-spoken Irishman, volunteers to accompany us up-stairs. Into a room of much the same aspect as the last, but this time looking into the street. Possessing, too, an equally abominable atmosphere, and tenanted by at least double the number of Chinese. Some, engaged over a pack of cards, are evidently gambling (it is scarcely noon), others cooking, and four or five eating. As bru- page: 276-277[View Page 276-277]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 276-277 276 NEW YO-RK BOARDING-HOUSES. talized in appearance, as miserably-clad and sordid-looking as their recently-visited countrymen, there is little to be seen to tempt our stay. We put a few questions to an atrociously hideous little Chinaman-who replies in a fierce, snapping manner-and incontinently take our leave, glad to breathe the air of even that foul quarter again. The number of Chinese at present in this city has been much over-rated. It can scarcely exceed one hundred and fifty. How they live has been shown, and it may be worth more than a passing thought, that here, in our midst, exists a class of -wretched and degraded beings, thoroughly pagan in faith, in vices, in ignorance and misery. CHAPTER XXXI. THE SAILORS' BOARDING-HOUSE. - N that quarter of the town' containing the two preceding Estab- lishments, and within five minutes' walk of the latter, stands the tenement now claim- ing our notice. Like the Irish Immigrant Boarding-House, its exterior is that of a low tavern, and ' of equally repulsive as- peet. A fancy marine title over the door, and an American flag stuck out of an upper window--as attractions for sea-faring men-indicate the purpose to which it is devoted. The landlord claims a Portuguese origin, but his fleshy, aquiline nose, protuberant lips, and small eyes, areunmis- takably Hebraical--to say nothing of the remorseless wrinkles of his evil face. He has made a voyage or two in some unknown capacity, and assumes the bonhommie page: 278-279[View Page 278-279]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 278-279 278 TIIE PHYSIOLOGY OF of a sailor, denying his lineage with many oaths, if rallied thereon, and boasting that he has eaten as much salt pork, in his time, as any of his guests. His wife does not at- tempt to repudiate her "peoples." She is a large, oleagi- nous, black-haired, hook-nosed woman, who invariably wears ear-rings, and perfumes a room with the odor of fiied fish. Their mutual offspring-Jews are almost as prolific as Irish-comprise something less than a dozen of dark-eyed, nasal, and turgid-lipped children, of whom the eldest, a slim youth of fifteen, assists his father in the bar-room. The tenement resembles the Immrigrant Boarding-House in internal arrangements, and, like it, is provided with a strongly-barred cellar for the storage and 'L safe-keeping" of lodgers' baggage. The sleeping chambers are equally ill-furnished and uncleanly. Only the bar-room and lower floor present any thing characteristic or worthy of notice. We will peep therein at night, when the peculiarities of the Establishment are visible in all their glory. We shall assume that the landlord's jackals (or "runners") have succeeded in inveigling a house-full of newly-arrived sea- men into his den, there to be fleeced at pleasure. It is a long, low-roofed apartment, extending from front to rear, crowded with individuals, and as full of tobacco- smoke as any assemblage of Burschen appertaining, to a German university. The chairs and benches surrounding it are filled with sailors and females, the former enjoying themselves with a zest which would appear only to be known to them and to school-boys during holidays. They hail from various points of the compass: here you may listen to the harsh guttural of the German, there see the light hair, blue eyes, and rough, frank, jovial look, char- acterizing the English tar; further on, note the keen, ready-witted physiognomy of the -American, Perhaps NSlEW YORK, BOARDING-HOUSES. 279 the British are in the majority. Most of them appear cleanly dressed, for "Jack ashore" has a great idea of rigging himself out smartly, and if he have no money to, receive at the conclusion of a voyage--which is some- times the case-he can always "make a raisel" by means of the landlord, that disinterested Israelite advancing it on the certainty of repayment out of Jack's next trip, a month's wages of which he knows he can secure before his departure. Which sum, indeed, besides every dollar possessed by his guest on debarkation, he will probably obtain; for no Guinea negro on the Slave-Coast is more completely bought and sold, or less the master of his own actions, than Jack in the hands of his crimping landlord. Such reflections, however, do not trouble our tars at pres- ent, as, clad in trim blue jackets and trousers, with black tarpaulin hats stuck, a la ladies' bonnets, at the very back of their heads, they abandon themselves to the pleasures of the hour. All are smoking, many laughing, and not a few telling yarns of an extent and' nature demanding in the listener the gullibility of Marryat's Pacha. And more than one " old salt" has been doubling the Horn with such hearty good-will as to be "' half seas over." At one end of the room two fiddlers are uniting in the production of harmonic discord sufficient to drive Ole Bull frantic. A third has succumbed, either'to profes- sional enthusiasm or to the amount of liquor injudiciously bestowed upon him by his admiring audience, and now lies in a corner, his countenance decorated after the style of a New Zealand chief by an artistic performance in burnt cork. His two friends have, also, sympathizingly relieved him of a pocket full of copper coin; it being the custom at the conclusion of each dance to bestow volun- tary contributions on the orchestra. To this accompaniment half a dozen persons of either page: 280-281[View Page 280-281]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 280-281 280 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF sex are dancing. The figure, an abnormal one, is kept up with energy worthy of the Fifth Avenue, when in full performance of the German. Stamping, capering, jig- ging to and fro, hands across and down the middle-such is the order of the night-till the sanded floor vibrates again, and the glasses on the table tinkle with sympa- thetic excitement. The male dancers are all sailors, their partners being coarse, fat, vulgar-looking young women, Al vhosebloated features indicateconfirmed habits of drunk- lnness. They have very hoarse voices, wear necklaces nd large brass ear-rings, call each other sisters, and Lffect bright red or yellow dresses. Three of themn re- ide constantly in the house, and are important adjuncts ruests. A seaman's life ashore, unless he have sense and thrift nough to seek one of the well-managed and orderly , * NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES%. 281 houses especially instituted for his benefit, is invariably characterized by reckless extravagance and dissipation. As a natural sequence, he is victimized every way-even more atrociously than the Immigrant was. Overcharges firom the landlord, robberies on the part of " the ladies," money borrowed at usury, watches or clothes pawned for the means of " spreeing"-these comprise the outlines of a tir's experience among the land sharks. Finally, when despoiled of every thing, he is made over by the arch- crimp, his landlord, to the mate of some vessel needing "hands," put aboard when helplessly drunk, and thus shipped off for another voyage. And if he survive the revolting barbarities to which he is commonly subject at sea-of which let Liverpool police-courts and our own newspapers testify--he only quits his "hell-af/oat" (Jack's own epithet for the majority of American vessels) to land at some foreign port, after the expiration of months or years--there to repeat the same experience. The keepers of Sailors' Boarding-Houses are not re- quired, by law, to take out a license. Perhaps our legis- lators know why they are thus favored. We don't. h, page: 282-283[View Page 282-283]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 282-283 CHAPTER XXXXII. THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHCH GIVES SATISFACTION TO EVERYBODY. CHAPTER X XXIII. OF DIFFERENT SORTS OF BOARDERS. AT length, Reader, our Physiology draws towards its conclusion. Not that we have exhausted the subject-to do that would necessitate the devotion of a particular chapter to every Boarding-House in, the city of New York; for not one of them, as has been already inti- mated, but possesses its own peculiarities. Such a task might be achieved only by a Briareus or Alexandre Dumas. It suffices us to have selected types of the more prominent, and, to the best[ of our judg- ment, note-worthy Establishments. Yet there are particulars remaining which should form part of our subject, though not conveniently admissible, ,or only cursorily alluded to, within the preceding pages. Our book has necessarily included a considerable variety of boarder character, yet we find some very recognizable types of it still unportrayed. To remedy which we write the present Chapter. ' ,/ page: 284-285[View Page 284-285]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 284-285 284 THE PHYSI-OLO GY OF For instance, what person familiar with New York Boarding-Hbuses but has encountered, and what propri-- etor or proprietress of such Establishments but has, at some time, been victimized by one of that obnoxious tribe popularly known as Shark Boarders? We shall, in a final Chapter, have occasion to speak of many griev- ances incidental to the vocation, but this-exposure to the meanest kind of robbery-is one to which all, from the landlord of the palace hotel on Broadway to the poor old maid who starts a "Hand-to-Mouth"Establishment in the hope of obtaining a meager subsistence-are liable, and perhaps the direst. Samples of the genus, both male and female, have incidentally illuminated our pages, but were we to chronicle all the diversities of the species, our volume would suffer literary Elephantiasis. The Shark Boarder is of every aspect, and in no wise t o be detected from outward appearance. Now an indi- vidual of imposing address, dashing exterior, and' pre- sumable opulence; now-- though less frequently-a quiet, unassuming, and, osten- sibly, respectable person, who is always expecting to receive -money which experiences un- looked-for delays in reach- ing its destination. We have known Sharks under the dis- guise of clergymen, or of Bostonians; we remember one who passed himself off as a Shaking Quaker; another who went about seeking what she might devour, as the abbess of a Spanish nunnery. Pro- ( NEW YORK BOARDING H OUSES. 285 teus, the Bravo of Venice, the author of Junius' Letters, or any other generally indefinite personages that may be mentioned, were nothing to them. In many cases the Shark Boarder pays liberally and promptly on the outset, with a view to future credit. If of the male species, he generally endeavors to ingratiate himself in the good graces of the landlady. Weak- minded women-there are such, even among mistresses of Boarding-Houses-are his especial prey. Ladies such as those presiding over the Establishments described in Chapters the' Fifteenth and Seventeenth, could scarcely be expected to resist the fascinations of flattery, dyed mous- tachios, half a yard of pendant watch-chain, and a flashy style of dress and conversation. This description of Shark possesses his female counterpart, who, were a mu- seum of Social Ichthyology established, might be labelled in it as very dangerous-especially to youzng gentlemen boarders. Our "Tip-Top"Establishment has afforded a choice sample of the species, which is uncommonly prevalent in hotels and stylish Boarding-Houses.' Ordi- narily, the lady Shark is handsome-or has good-looking daughters. A considerable number of these pecuniary vampires ' page: 286-287[View Page 286-287]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 286-287 286 THE PHYSIOLOGY O-F- exist in New York, who 'are known NEVER to pay their way, decamFping surreptitiously when it becomes evident that their exactions will no longer be submitted to, or impudently remaining till expelled. Of course, they are encumbered with very little baggage. We have a story of one of tfle fraternity which may be worth the telling. There came to a Private Boarding-House a quietly- voracious young man who affected extreme piety, and told the landlady, on his arrival, that he was desirous of a room where he should be undisturbed in his devotions-- which ought to have put her on her guard. He professed to have employment at some Bible or Tract publishing institution, where it was generally understood that the "young men" sung hymns during their dinner hour, and always " asked a blessing" when they put on a clean shirt- collar. The landlady formed a favorable opinion of her new boarder, which only began to decline on his getting in arrears. This commenced at the second week, and continued till the date of his expulsion, nearly two months afterwards. She could neither obtain payment or get him to quit. When dunned, he wept and invented excuses, telling her how his pocket had been picked at the Taber- nacle-how his feelings had impelled him to give his wages to a missionary who " came up in the office"--how his grandmother had written from some remote Western locality, stating that she had been compelled by pecuniary distress to pawn her entire wardrobe, with the solitary ex- ception of one unmentionable flannel garment. Mrs.-----. clung to hope awhile, tolerating her boarder until the ser. vants complained of the pious youth's accidentally finding his way into their rooms nocturnally. He then received a strong intimation that his apartment was wanted. Still he wouldn't go. He appeared, as usual, at meals-when NEW YORK BOARDING-HOIUStS. 287 the landlady didn't like risking a row before her board- ers-but having no latch-key, was accustomed, at night, to ring softly; stealing up-stairs, on gaining admission, to bed. Finally, the other boarders took the matter in hand, and having locked and bolted the street-door, placed them- selves at an upper window to await the result. Eleven o'clock came, and with it a gentle application at the bell. Looking out, they beheld an indistinctly-seen figure ap- parently engaged in an attempt to pick the lock-upon which figure the contents of a couple of ewers were im- mediately discharged. But imagine the astonishment of the party when, instead of seeing their victim slink off with the air of a detected pick-pocket, they observed i.-him clutch the bell-handle, and pull it -with firantic vehe- mence, again and again, ac- companing the act with vig- orously-bestowed kicks on the lower panels of the door. Flesh and blood could not -stand this. The boarders in a body rushed down-stairs, and fell, with fist and foot, upon the author of the clamor. Not until he had been severely pounded did they discover that it was--NoT the Shark Boarder, but a highly estima- ble gentleman--quite the model man of the Establish- ment! Yet, still worse; during the melee, as subsequently appeared, the Shark had arrived, and slipping in unob- served at the open door, had gained his room. He left, however, very early next morning, and for good, taking with him a pair of pants belonging to another boarder, two 'coats, a watch, and a copy of the Rev. Mr. page: 288-289[View Page 288-289]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 288-289 288 THE PHYSIOLOGY .,O Splurge-on)s sermons-which lively volume had been loaned to him by the landlady. We have, several times, during the progress of our work, had occasion to allude to Pet Boarders. Who has not some knowledge of this species? We have yet to encounter one Establishment in which Pet Boarder-ism does not, in some degree, exist. It would appear to be an inevitable, though highly objectionable appendage to the Institution. In strength and potency it admits of the greatest diver- sity, from apin, recognized despotism, to the mild, insid- ious, covert authority which is rather felt than seen, and only detected by the narrowest scrutiny. A comparatively rare case, such as we have described in Chapter the Fifteenth, would be at once observable, but not so with others. You :f may live twelve months in a Boarding-House, utterly un- conscious of the existence of a Pet, albeit every meal you have partaken of during'that time has been especially pro- vided with a view to pleasing his appetite. We say: his, never having discovered a lady Pet-unless merely ad- mitted as a partaker in her husband's privileges. Some live by it. Admitted on the express agreement that they shall undertake what in theatrical parlance is denominated "general utility business"-as carving at table, leading the small talk, and, so to speak, ingeniously blending the parts of family-man and head-waiter-they may be termed gastronomic dead-heads, and though not occupying a very dignified position, are otherwise un- objectionable. Some glide into office from indolence, abetted by stress of circumstances, and are, finally, mar- ried by their landlady. We have heard stories of the system being so formally recognized that preliminary stipulations were entered into as to what the Pet was to "eat, drink, and avoid ;" dishes of rarity and price being tabooed to him, and he expected, in no case, to send his NEW YORK BOARDIN'G-HOUSES. 289 plate up twice for pie. But under such controlment, he is, manifestly, scarcely entitled to his denomination. The true Pet Boarder is he who pays and rules, openly or in secret, over the appetites of his fellows. Mildly facetious gentlemen-not ' funny" ones, for landladies, in common with their sex, are rather afraid of them, as they don't know but that they may be induced to laugh at something that's not proper-clergymen, and stupid, respectable, old gentlemen are very apt to become Pet Boarders. An in- fallible instance of their position is the appearance of some exclusive dainty in their immediate vicinity at table, of which nothing is said to the other boarders. If you ask' for it- and pass it on--as we always did (on high moral grounds), be sure that both the Pet and landlady will hate you intensely. We have an anecdote illustrative of this phase of Pet Boarderism. We were once sojourning in a stylish Establishment -where there was a Pet Boarder-a faint, fair man, of Carkerish aspect with respect to teeth. He used to carve at table, and always took care to reserve for himself the daintiest bits. We resolved to punish him by plagiarizing the conduct of the sculptor Chantrey on a similar occasion, and lay in wait for a good opportunity. In due time it' chanced that one small, special delicacy was placed before him. He, very graciously, assisted those nearest to him- to the inferior parts, proffering some to us-which we declined, until, having disposed of all but the very choicest portion, he was about to transfer that to his own plate, when we begged to be allowed to change our minds, and-received the plate from the hands of the waiter. The Pet's face was awful to contemplate. He had the additional satisfaction of seeing us send our plate away after disposing of a few mouthfuls of its contents. page: 290-291[View Page 290-291]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 290-291 290 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF All Pets, when known to be such, are detested by their fellow-boarders-and deservedly so. Of Disagreeable Boarders we have exhibited some, per- haps too many, samples. But besides those who are ob- noxious in their own peculiar and private capacity, there are numerous publicly offensive ones who, like the Shark and Pet, appear inseparable from the system. Inevitably comic gentlemen, for instance, who enjoy clique fun over the dinner-table, laugh loudly at one another's bad jokes, and talk indirectly at fellow-boarders. Argumentative in- dividuals who seize upon every opportunity for controver- sial fisty-cuffs, lose temper, get red in the face, and shout at one another. Politicians generally. People who pride themselves on their dignity, and .try to "look down" those whom they must meet, three times a day, at the same table. Vulgar people who rush into the opposite course of extreme familiarity with every body. Husbands who are absurdly jealous of their wives, and pick a quar- rel with you if you pass a lady's plate, or tell her that it 's fine day. Old maids of the keep-your-distance-and-know- your-betters order, who have preternaturally good noses for snuffing out moral taints in the most innocent words and actions, and are, constitutionally, down on humanity. Solemn old foozles who think a laugh betokens want of respect for their dignity, and resent the mildest differ- ence in opinion with a heavy malignancy of which only stupid people are capable. Unmitigated pious people who will have " grace" said before meals, who sit in judgment on their fellow-boarders, and look eternal sulphur-and- pitchforks at you if you talk of theatres. In short, all persons who ride their hobbies without regard to the corns of their neighbors, may be classed under the head of Dis- agreeable Boarders. Lovers of scandal deserve a worse title, but that is a plant indigenous to Boarding-Houseso ) ON1 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 291 and until the advent of the Millennium we despair of seeing it eradicated. We believe-as we hope--that the Insti- tution will be extinct first. We have known a few instances of lI3ysterious Board- ers. One (heretofore alluded to in our pages) was an old lady who took her meals in her own room, having made a special contract to that effect with the proprietress of the a Establishment. She never went abroad, but spent her en- tire time in the indulgence of a raven-like predilection for obtaining surreptitious glimpses of the boarders, as they ascended to, or descended from their chambers. For this purpose she lay in wait constantly, at all hours of the day and night, generally keeping the door of her apartment open to the extent of about two inches, and invariably closing it with a bang when you had passed-as if she re- sented your existence, and took that way pf informing you of the fact. It was a singularly disconcerting prac- tice, placing you in the position of one who took a lib- erty-in walking up-stairs. Its effects on a newly-ar- rived boarder were peculiar. He became low-spirited, thought of his. sins, and was haunted by a lively apprehean- sion of some indefinable retribution impending over him. He passed the door at midnight with a shuddering con- viction that a Spectral Eye was watching him through the key-hole. Finally, he waxed resentful, bought a pair of creaking boots, and when the door opened softly behind him, had to repress a strong inclination to shriek out, or to throw up one leg, or to jump several feet into the air, bringing his heels into violent concussion on descending, or similar saltatory proceedings. Sometimes the Mys- terious Boarder glided to the stair-case, and called, over the bannisters, in a spectral voice to the servants. She was peculiarly restless just before dinner. 'Passing her door at that period-especially if you encountered the - . , . 'll - page: 292-293[View Page 292-293]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 292-293 292 T HE PHYSIOLOGY OF servant bringing up her dinner, and so got caught, as it were, between two fires--was always a nervous transac- tion. It affected us to that extent that had there been a fire-escape, or a rope-ladder handy, we should have pre- ferred that mode of descent to the stair-case. Only on two occasions do we recollect the Mysterious Boarder's quitting her own apartment for the lower story. She re- mained invisible on the first. The boarders were assem- bled at the breakfast-table, when the door of a small room at one end of the apartment (occupied by the landlady) suddenly opened to the width of two inches, and, in the midst of a dead silence, a Voice demanded of the company, generally,) 'fcas YT PAPER come yet i" The second in- stance was far more appalling, and experienced by us, in- dividually. We had come down late to breakfast, and were, subsequently, luxuriating over one of "Byles:" exquisite letters to the Tribune, in the front parlor-all alone--no person being visible in either that or the rear room. When, happening to raise our eyes over the top of the page, to our infinite horror and astonishment we beheld the Mysterious Boarder glowering at us. She was dressed in black, wore spectacles, and had a white hand- kerchief tied round her head, the loose ends of which projecting upwards at the top, gave her a strong resem- blance to a large, horned owl. Solemnly advancing, she seized the Times and slowly retired, her spectacles still fixed remorselessly upon us. Incontinently we dashed down the Tribune and fled. The landlady, when questioned, informed us that she- the Mysterious Boarder-was an estimable person, and possessed a fine mind. We did not question the fact, but should have. been glad to have seen it direct its owner to some more cheerful mode of entertainment. By the boarders, generally, she was known -by the soubriqzuet ' NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 293 of "Grace Poole"-after the twin Mystery in Jane Eyre. We knew another Mysterious, or rather Incomprehen- sible Boarder. He labored under two extraordinary hal- lucinations--the one that womankind, in general, adored him and were bent on persecuting him to the death with their addresses--the other that Nature had intended him for a Cortez, a Pizarro, or a Walker. Now, as he was by I no means a handsome or intelligent individual, being, in- deed, rather common-place-not to say ignoble-in ap- - pearance, the opinion he entertained of his merits was, moderately speaking, a cool one. And when he burst into tears over the dinner-table, while bewailing his unappre- ciated talent for conquest, and demanded, with much ex- citement, " a hundred thousand men,'" that he might carry the Stars and Stripes throughout the length and breadth of South America-it became very unpleasant for his neighbors, one of whom we happened to be. Further- more, his faith in his own powers of fascination induced him to write an excessively ungrammatical love-letter- wherein the personal pronoun was invariably represented by a small i-to a handsome lady-boarder; and, subse- quently, to favor her with a visit at her country-seat. We believe that he was rather "hard up, and that the land- lady good-naturedly allowed him to remain for six weeks or so without demanding payment for his board. She ex- perienced, some difficulty in getting rid of"'him. - He was discovered in his room on several occasions at reihote in- , tei'vals after his nominal departure, and, more than once, came down. to breakfast as heretofore. He also contracted a habit of calling on the boarders-especially one-a cler- ical gentleman--and negotiating small loans in the hall-- incidentally displaying a large cheese-knife, which he car- ried under his coat during such transactions. We don't knlow what became of him. page: 294-295[View Page 294-295]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 294-295 294 NEW YORK BORARDING-H O USES, Another, and a still more eccentric instance shall con- clude our Chapter--which is already protracted beyond its legitimate limits. There came, as boarder, to a certain Establishment, a Strange Gentleman of foreigni aspect, who stipulated for private gastronomic arrangements, and owned a large hairy dog, which he used to beat, regularly, for a quarter of an hour after each meal--breakfast, din- ner, and supper. This, he said, he did for exercise. On the second evening of his domiciliation he asked the land- lady's permission to unbolt a trap-door leading to the roof, in order to enjoy the fresh air, which, the doctor told him, was good for his stomach. She according it, he spent two hours on the top of the house, and then began to pull down chimney-pots, and to hurl them into the street. Two policemen and some of the male boarders subsequently secured him, just as he was preparing to descend (attired only in shirt and boots) the interior of a chimney, having already forced his dog to precede him! He proved to be a lunatic, recently escaped from the confinement in whieh his friends had placed him. e . FIAM,MM = i CHAPTER XXXIV. RETROSPECTIVE AND VALEDI;CTORY. Si B HERE is an old story of a certain painter, who having depicted a man in the act of overcom-. ing a lion in single com- bat, submitted his per- formance to one of the latter species for Criti- cism, which was ac- corded in the simple remark, that had the artist been a lion, the relative positions of the parties represented might have been differ- ent. We apprehend a somewhat similar judgment will be passed upon our volume by the proprietors and proprie- tresses of New York Boarding-Houses. If the writer, they will say, had experience of keeping, instead of board- i ing, at our Establishments, this "Physiology" would not have contained half so much matter derogatory to our calling, and infinitely more at the expense of our board-' ers. Now, without wishing to disparageoleonine or land- lordial censure, we have a word or two to say in antici- page: 296-297[View Page 296-297]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 296-297 2s? THE PHYSIOLOGY OF pation of such (inevitable) objections; as, also, in con- clusion. In the first place, we would-profess that our book is pretty honestly written. If we have described obnoxious landladies, our pages have included equally objectionable boarders; nor are we conscious of invidiousness in the portrayal of either, The keepers of Boarding-Houses are, as a class, neither better nor worse than the majority of persons who rely upon their own exertions for a liveli- hood. Charges of meanness, of selfishness, of a rapacious advocacy of their own rights and a notable indifference to those of others, may, as often, and with as much justice, be brought against boarders as landladies. We have known some of the latter every way superior in mind, morals, and manners, to those who met at their tables, and whose whims and exactions they-to a certain ex- tent-were obliged to tolerate, in virtue of their position: we have encountered others of the meanest, most mer- cenary, most offensive description. Of which our Physi- ology may testify. The vocation is a singularly unhappy and irksome one, involving much risk and responsibility, and possessing no uncommon facilities for realizing pecuniary profit. If Boarding-Houses had existed in Job's day, and the Arch- Enemy had clapped that respectable patriarch into one, as landlord, for a month or so, we have no doubt that he would have adopted Mrs. J.'s advice and done the "cussing" incontinently. Nor are the general relations between a landlady and her boarders too conciliatory. Our readers will scarcely have failed to remark, in their own experience, as in our volume, the spirit of antagonism commonly prevalent. Very frequently boarders and land-! ladies get to regard each other as natural enemies. The fault, we take it, lies-as faults usually do-equally on NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 297 either side. In boarding, as in other matters, we are-all of us-prone to think rather of what is due to than from X us; hence boarders become aggressively selfish, and land- ladies-discovering how little sympathy or consideration is felt for them-passively so. In most cases the former are more unthinkingly than intentionally unjust; albeit we have, certainly, observed some instances of exaction on the part of boarders thoroughly Shylockcian in their in- fernal selfishness. We knew a " lady" to originate a row in a Boarding-House in consequence of a temporary delay in lighting her fire, when the mother of the proprietress lay dying! Our general experience would indicate that the gentler sex are less considerate towards one another than male boarders. We never yet encountered a lady who professed herself satisfied with her Boarding-House. Men' may be hasty, but hardly so exacting. If the reader doubt this assertion, we emphatically refer him to the proprietress of any Boarding-House with whom he may be acquainted. e Landladies are, from the nature 'of their position, in- / evitably cognizant of most of the little meannesses, jeal- ousies, and faults of their boarders-for in no place does an individual exhibit himself more completely in his true colors than in a Boarding-House. It has just enough of the freedom of home to induce a conviction that one may act as he pleases, but none of its restraining sanctity and responsibilities. (We have witnessed a stormy altercation over a breakfast-table in consequence of a boarder's dis- appointment in not getting a penny roll.) Unless of un- usually secretive disposition, you can't live for any length of time in one of these Establishments without having all your failings "reckoned up" sans mitigation. And never flatter yourself with the idea that they are not talked about by your fellow-boarders. Yam might as well sup- page: 298-299[View Page 298-299]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 298-299 298 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF pose that what you say of them will not be carried to their ears. That unluckily-constructed Sicilian confessional which repeated penitents' whispers in a place of public resort was not better adapted to the diffusion of mischiev- ous information than are Boarding-Houses. The evil is inherent, inevitable. We have often thought that the most appropriate simile we could hit upon for a Boarding-House is afforded by what Showmen denominate " a Happy Fmnily;" where a number of animals of incongruous, antagonistic, and con- flicting natures, are confined in a single cage-it being gratuitously assumed that they have conquered their in- stinctive aversions to each other's society. And, to be sure, they stand on their good behavior when in public. But, who shall speak of the desire the dog must possess to strangle the cat; the inclination the owl must have to lunch off the mice; the intense longing existing in the sable bosom of the raven for the gratification of taking out one of the guinea-pig's eyes. Let Dickens's Raven- from whom we borrow the last illustration--reply. As with the C Happy Family" so with the inmates of a Boarding- House. In an indiscriminately-got-together community, where, like our national democracy "one person's as good as another, and a good deal better"-it is in the nature of things for people to conflict-and conflict they do, accord- ingly. There is only ONE way of avoiding Boarding-House squabbles-a strictly-acted-upon system of Non-Inter- coYrse with fellow-boarders. In which case you'll only be considered ' stuck-up," and detested in consequence. Which is, comparatively, easy of endurance when con- trasted with -other risks. We are inclined to believe that ill-bred persons fare best in Boarding-Houses. Just as, were a lady of educa- NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 299 tion and refinement and a Zooloo-Kaffir to sit down at I one common ordinary, in all probability the latter would come off best in the eating department. Exacting people are hated-but they get what they want, and, generally, have their own way. Our objections to the Institution of Boarding may be all summed up in one sentence. That, as our virtues are much more dependent on our surroundings than we are willing to admit, when the check of home-is removed (and a Boarding-House is, emphatically, NOT a home) all sorts of evils are liable to rush in. The good that exists in these Establishments does so in spite of the system, which is in- herently mischievous. Blt it were useless to rail against them. We have to accept the Institution as we do our existence--and make the best of both. It is part of our anomalous social state, and so long as it is next to an im- possibility for those who desire to live at once privately, decently, and economically, to find a suitable dwelling in this city-so long as there 's scarcely any medium between mansions far beyond the reach of men of moderate in- comes and miserable tenement houses-so long as a large proportion of our citizens entertain the idea that an in- ordinately extravagant style of house-keeping is abso- lutely necessary to secure position; and flat attempting' comfort in an humbler sphere is rather contemptible than otherwise-so long as young men can't afford to get married, and young ladies object to the "trouble" of household ministry--in short, so long as New York as- \ pires to become a -Brummagem Paris (and does it very clumsily), Boarding-Houses will, undoubtedly, continue to exist. Of their general effects on individual and metro- politan character we have no doubt. Charles Dickens half charged Americans with "an inaptitude for social \ pleasures." Granting that there may be some grounds page: 300-301[View Page 300-301]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 300-301 i300 NEW YORK BOARDINGO-HOUSES. for the accusation, has not this universal barrack system something to do with its existence? Reader, our task is done. Hoping that we part friends, with all good-will we bid you FAREWELL.