New York aristocracy, or, Gems of japonica-dom
page: (Cover) [View Page (Cover) ] GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. BY "JOSEPH." page: [View Page ] MASTER OF ARTS, Columbia College, of New York, 1872. Rose HLL, IN THE TOWNSHP OF RED HOOK, NEAR TIVOLI P. O., DUCHESS Co., N, September, 1874. JUDGE ADVOCATE, with the rank of MAJOR, 1845. COLONEL N. Y. S. I. 1846; assigned for "Meritorious Conduct," 1849; BRIGADIER-GENERAL for "Important Service " [first appointment-in N. Y. State-to that hitherto elective] 1851, M. F. S. N. Y. ADJUTANT-GENERAL, S. N. Y. 1855. BREVET MAJOR-GENERAL, S. N. Y., for "Meritorious Services." [first and only general officer receiving such an honor (the highest) from S. N. Y.,] and thE officer THUS brevetted (Major-GeneraD in the United States.] by "Special Act," or "Concurrent Resolution," New York State Legislature, April, 18( "AWS OF NEW YORK, Vol. 2.-89th Session, 1866, Page 2142. Concurrent Resolution requesting the Governor to confer upon Brigadier-General J. W. DE PUYSTER [de Peyster] the brevet rank of Major* [General] in the National of New York. RESOLVED, (if the Senate concur,) That it being a grateful duty to acknowledge in a sul manner the services of a distinguished citizen of this State, rendered to the National Guar to the United States prior to and during the Rebellion, the Governor be and he is hereby at ized and requested to confer upon Brigadier-General J. WATTS DE PUYSTER [de Pe: the brevet rank of major-General in the National Guard of New York, for meritorious ser which mark of honor shall be stated in the Commission conferred. STATE OF NEW YORK, in Assembly, April 9th, The foregoing Resolution was duly passed. By order of the Assembly. J. B. CUSHMAN ( STATE OF NEW YORK, in Senate, April 20th, The foregoing Resolution was duly passed. By order of the Senate, '*So in original. JAs. TERWILLIGER, ClI MLITARY AGENT, S. N. Y., (in Europe,) 1851-'3. HONORARY MEMBEMR, THRD CLASS, of the MLITARY ORDER of the LOYAL LEGION of the FIRST HONORARY MEMBER Third (Army of the Potomac) Corps Union. MEMBER-10th June, 1872, DIRECTOR-of the GETTYSBURG BATTLEFIELD MEMORIAL Associ. MEMBER OF THE NETHERLANDISH LITERARY ASSOCIATION [Maatsckappij der Nederlandsche Letterkundel at Leyden, Holland. RECIPIENT, 1856, of Three Silver Medals from H. R. M. OSCAR, King of Sweden and No: &c., for a Military Biography of LEONARD TORSTENSON, Field Marshal, Gelneralissim of a Gold Medal in 1852, from WASHNGTON HUNT, Governor S. N. Y., tor "Efforts to Improve the Military System of New York," &c. &c., and Suggestions for a Paid Fire Department with Steam Fire Engines, &c. &c.: of a Gold Medal in 1852, from the FIELD AND STAFF OFFICERS of his Command, 9 Brig., 3 Div., N. Y. S. Troops, "In testimony of their Esteem and Appreciation of hi Efforts towards the Establishment of an efficient Militia," &c.: in 1870, of a Magnificient BADGE, MEDAL and CLASPS voted at the Annual Meeting of the Third Corps (Army of the Potomac) Union, held at Boston, Mass., Thursday, May 5tlf, 1870, when A Resolution was adopted to present a Gold Jedal of the value of $500, to Gen. J. WATI PEYSTER, of New York, as a testimonial of the appreciation by the Corps of his esm services il placing upon record the true history of its achievements, and in defendix commanders and their men from written abuse and misrepresentation ;" and of several other Badges, Medals, &c., for services in connection with the military s( of the State of New York. HONORARY MEMBER of the NEW JERSEY and of the MNNESOTA HSTORICAL SOCIL and of the PHRENOKIOSMAN SOCIETY Of PENNSYVANIA COLLEGE, Gettysburg; of the PHLOSOPHAN SOCIETY, Missionary Institute, Selin's Grove, and of the EUTERPEAN SOCiETY, Muhlenberg College, Allentown, Pennsylvania, and of the GASMAN LITERARY SOCIETY, of Nebraska College, Nebraska City. * HONORARY MEMBER of the N. Y. BURNS CLUB. (BURNS was a member of the Dunsfries Volunteers, of which Col. ARENT SCHUYER DE PEY 8th or King's Foot B. A., was Colonel, to whom the "National Bard of Scotland " addrt just before his death, in 1796, his "POEM ON LIFE,") and LIFE MEMBER of the ST. NICHOLAS SOCIETY of NEW YORK, (of which city JOHANNES DE PEYSTER, first of the name in the New fWorld, was Schepen, Alderman, 1666, Burgomaster, 1673, Deputy Mayor, 1677. Mayoralty offered and rejfses MEMBER of the NEW YORK, of the RHODE ISLAND (Newport) and of the PENNSYVANIA HSTOR SOCIETIES of the MLITARY ASSOCIATION OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK and of the CENTURY CLUB, New York City. "FE MEMBER of the H]TORIICAL SOCIETY of Mr-cHaAR Of the NEW YORK GALLERY OF FINE ARTS, and Director of the N. Y. INSTITUTION for INSTRUCTION OF THE DEAF AND DUMB, and of the NUMSMATIC and ARCHEOLOGICAL SOCIETY of NEW YORK, "FE MEMBER or FELLOW of the AMERICAN GEOGRAPHCAL SOCIETY; PATRON e ASSOCIATION for the BENEFIT OF COLORED ORPHANS, and of the NEW YORK DISPENSARY ; LIFE DIRECTOR of the AMERICAN TRACT. and LIFE MEMBER of the AMERICAN BIBLE SOCIETY, N. Y. CORRESPONDING MEMBER of the STATE HSTORICAL SOCIETIES of MAINE, of VERMONT, of RHODE ISLAND, (Provide of CONNECTICUT, and of WISCONSIN; of the LONG ISLAND and of the BUFFALO HSTORICAL SOCIETIES; of the NEW ENGLAND HSTORIO-GENEALOGICAL SOCIETY ;of the QUEBEC LITERARY & HSTORICAL SOCIETY; page: Illustration[View Page Illustration] The Author pursues his studies. page: Illustration (TitlePage) [View Page Illustration (TitlePage) ] OR, GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. BY "JOSEPH." WITH ILLUSTRATIONS. E SCRHYUS, "Prometheus Chained," 1.628. NEW-YORK: CHARLES B. NORTON, 71 CHAMBERS STREET, (IRVING HOUSE.) PHLADELPHA: W. P. HAZARD. BOSTON: FETRIDGE & CO. AND MAY BE HAD OF ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1851. page: [View Page ] ENTERED according to Act of Congress, in the year 1851, by CHARLES B. NO ON, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court, for the Southern District of New-York. BAKER, GODWIN & CO.. PRINTERS, i TRIBUNE BUILDINGS, NEW-YORK. PREFACE, WHCH IS SHORT ENOUGII TO BE READ, AND BAD ENOUGH TO BE SHORT. TO THE PUBLIC :-If there is one thing more than another which is apt to prejudice the first casual glance of the reader in search of novelty, it is to encounter in the outset of a work from an unknown hand, a formidable display of tedious and unnecessary relations in reference to matters in which the public can have no earthly interest. It is apt to produce some- what the same sensations as are experienced by being ad- dressed, with outstretched hand and confidential manner, by a total stranger. People, if they care any thing about it at all, will read the work to know the man; they don't wish to have a prosy placard a mile long stuck upon them. If my dearly beloved readers, by consuming the first edition of this publica- tion, evince a partiality for its continuance, it is highly prob- able they will be gratified. Although I crave for my labors both good opinion and patronage, I am candid to say that I infi- nitely prefer the latter. With wishes as good, possibly, as are felt by the majority, the Public's obedient servant, "JOSEPH." page: [View Page ] NOTE.-No. II. of these SKETCHES will continue the refresh- s ing anatomy of Mrs. Fustian and family, together with the in- troduction of a "nice young man,) and some familiar faces. CHAPTER I. X - AApX rzvros epyov fieyeov.-Plato. ---. Haec ego mecum Compressis agito labris; ubi quid datur oti Illudo chartis. [Horace, Lib. lst, Sat. iv., line 136. AT this particular period of affairs, there is perhaps no proposition of so orthodox a character, or one more firmly fixed by general conviction, than that which asserts the pa. triotic and agreeable fact that this is a great country. The acknowledged rank we occupy in the present history of na. tions, the almost supernatural celebrity that has marked our social and political advancement, and the circumstance of living in probably the most remarkable age of the world, have all contributed to foster a-belief in our natural superi- ority, and to produce some strong and peculiar effect upon the physiology of the race. Of the changes thus wrought upon people, laws, politics, poetry, fashions, etc., there are necessarily countless shades and gradations. One may find it agreeable and beneficial to study the same subject in many ways; to watch a nation in prosperity and adversity; to weigh her motives in different scales; to catch the manners and fashions of her people, and so be able to institute a comparative analysis. The true student of Nature or of Art differs from the false in this respect: that while the lat. page: 6-7[View Page 6-7] 6 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR ter is satisfied with a general view of his subject, making deductions according to a prescribed dogma of his own, or the accredited views of those particular masters he has chosen, the former employs in his contemplation every val- ued aid, studies each line and angle, views under full and ! fluctuating lights, rejects not the glass of many lenses, draws his conclusions from all legitimate sources, yet never allowing the fallible creed of Art-venerable though it be from age and associations-to take precedence of the im- mutable principles of truth. How many errors arising from an undue estimate of foolish but favorite theories, might have been avoided and buried in a wholesome oblivion, have yet, from obstinate and selfish vanity, been perpetuated in marble and brass, to remain an enduring satire upon those who would make a fixed standard of examples, which should be only subsidiary to the great principles of truth. The manners of a people, as furnishing the indices of its na- tional character, are not unfrequently undervalued. It is, however, more true than the reverse, that many of the phases in which society is seen by the close observer, will often indicate, plainly enough, where certain salient points have taken their form and coloring. Of the truth of this, } people will become more convinced, the more they watch the movements of the inner wheels in the great clock of human nature. I am by no means of the belief that writ- ings, having for their object a faithful portraiture of follies which lie on the face of society, are not capable of being the instrument of much good, or if not of actual good, at least of no positive harm. It is often only by having our attention particularly solicited to certain objects, that we are saved from an entire ignorance of them. The man of business gets up, eats his breakfast, and goes down town and that is about all. It is the same thing to-morrow. He can tell you of stocks, or silks, or cotton and tobacco, and convince you of his profundity in commercial knowledge but when summoned for information upon the social condi tion of the city in which he lives, nay, of the class in which he moves, he will be likely to betray a want of knowledge that is not only ludicrous, but hardly conceivable. The life of trade to which he has been tied, has apprenticed him to an existence of mechanical drudgery, as monotonous as that of the gate-keeper on a turnpike. In the particular walk in which he follows his business interests, he may have ac quired a wondrous amount of practical knowledge; but c the elegant and liberalizing pursuits in art or literature which may always be profitably associated with the lab that brings us bread, he knows little of, and cares less. To such automatons it would be of little avail to address and serious advice, but it is possible that a picture of their own firesides, of the life at home, where they go only for a few hours of rest, to fit them for toiling days, may awaken slumbering interest, if it does not furnish vivid amusement. The following sketches of character are from among those circles which offer, gratuitously, the most conspicuous subjects for criticism. It is their design to display, with a possible fidelity, different types of the prominent notable SAl l. page: 8-9[View Page 8-9] 8 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, ! among the, so called, Aristocracy of New-York. I beg pardon of the Aristocracy, par excellence, for presuming to suppose the existence of a class who aspire to a position which they only occupy, or ought to, if "possession is nine- tenths in law." In the management of a subject with so great a diversity of character, it will be impossible, in produc- ing a just aggregate, to avoid allusions somewhat foreign to the subject matter; as, also, the introduction of personages not properly indigenous to Manhattan; but, from intimate connection with the arrangements of the ruling sets, have be- come " part and parcel " of their reputation with the world, and important constituents of their " body politic." Such an one is Mr. Pindlekins, who, though a naturalized citizen, with power to vote for the rulers of our dear republic, and occupying his place as " sum punkins" among the syllabub gentry, is nevertheless (and he will tell you it is his greatest honor) a representative of one of the oldest first families of the old dominion of old Virginia. By a late act of the Vir- ginia Legislature, assembled at the great Capitol of the State, an associate to the Inspector of the State census was appointed, for the purpose of ascertaining if there were any family or families who could not justly lay claim -to being of the first family order. The report rendered by this officer, states that, out of ten thousand families visited, inspected, and diligently inquired of, nine thousand, nine hundred, and ninety-nine, were found to be of the first wa- ter; while only one was marked below par, and that one so set down by its own acknowledgment. On a receipt of "An 4il GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 9 this report a special session was immediately called, to de- vise and adopt such legal measures as would most effectu- ally guard the country from an increase of so great an evil; and suggest some plan by which the said family should be induced to expatriate themselves. It was proposed and car- ried that a tax of forty cents per capita, on all white adults, should be levied; which, with the profits of one month's restriction of the use of tobacco among all negroes, should be appropriated, as a bribing fund, to induce this wretched second-rate family to absquatulate for parts unknown, and also to secure its eternal secrecy. Virginia has now to con- gratulate herself on a disinterested and public spirited act, that has relieved her of the annoyance of an undignified evil. G. W. J. M. M. P. H., or otherwise George Washington Jef- ferson Madison Monroe Patrick Henry Pindlekins, is proba- bly from either Richmond or Fredericksburgh, or at any rate he registers his name at the hotels as being from one of those celebrated cities. When Patrick Henry Pindlekins went abroad, the chance acquaintances of travel were soon blessed with a knowledge of the precise spot, in old Virginia, where his eyes first saw light; as well perhaps of the fact, that the d-d French rolls shouldn't be put on the same shingle with johnny-cake-in fact, that corn bread is corn bread, and no mistake--and he shall treat it as a personal insult, if any one mentions French slop wines and mint juleps in the same breath. Mint juleps he pronounces as pre- eminently " hiphenutan," and regards them as part of the glory of the great State he represents. He informs the as- page: 10-11[View Page 10-11] 10 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, tonished foreigners, that the grave of i'rginians is marked by the mint, that Springs spontaneously to consecrate their repose, as with a peculiar and appropriate emblem. The Vatican he considers a tolerably "peart" piece of shingling, but of " no account" beside the " Natural Bridge "-h e takes an acolothist by the sleeve, and tells him that the Pope is very well, so far as he goes, but that he ought to just see the inauguration of an American President, When on the Pyramids, he spends half a day in sculpturing his name and residence, in full, on the stones of those (as he calls them) " tall performances," entirely satisfied that visit- ors to these wonderful w orks of art, will bear away with them, as the most astonishing part of their adventures, a re- membrance of the name of Patrick Henry Pindlekins, of Fredericksburgh, Virginia. With the Sphinx's head he cul- tivates a characteristic acquaintance by shooting at its nose, at the word, sixteen paces distant, determined to keep his hand in, classically, by a crack at the old monster. Having succeeded in rendering this Egyptian " bull's eye" into a leaden hue, by virtue of ninety two balls out of a hundred immediately upon the proboscis, he says he should like to bet fifteen to five that he chips the ear four times out of six, and is only deterred from the attempt by the bet re- maining untaken. His keen attainments with hair triggers have made him a terror with the crocodiles of the Nile. It reminds him of the times when he practised at turtles on a log in the old horse pond home. Indeed, there appears to be no novelty for which his imagination does not form a GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 1] Virginia duplicate. He is in constant trouble with ideas of the Natural Bridge-thinks that Mahom et would have chosen precisely such a spot for his suspension--would like to see the remnants of a cat after being dropt from- its heights-is confident that the time will come when the na- tions of the earth shall be gathered under its majestic arches to chant their hallelujahs to the Blue Ridge. Mont Blano is something as a snow ball, with a right smart chance of icicles, but he could live a thousand years on the Blue Ridge and never want to leave. His admiration for Baden Baden is very much qualified by recollections of the White Sulphur Springs. He argues that the medicinal qualities of the waters must decide the merits of the two places; that the superiority of one to the other in social attraction's does not alter their value. Having learnt how to gamble a little during his tour, he creates a sensation at one of the princi- pal tables by forcing the banker at the point of a foot of cold steel, to disgorge a thousand francs, which he had caught the fellow hauling in from him by a trick of the trade. As to the Thames tunnel, he thinks it would make a very fine " horn," and only wishes he was big enough to take it. His views upon such subjects as attract general attention among travellers abroad, would afford us, I have no doubt, some very interesting and original ideas. At a time when there is such an abundance of information offered to the public on these lands, his lucubrations, from their unique character, would prove quite refreshing. I indulge the hope that he will think favorably of the suggestion, and gratify page: 12-13[View Page 12-13] 12 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, the world with the experience of a gentleman from one of the first families of Virginia. We have endeavored to re- cord a few of the occurrences that befell our hero abroad t and the casual impressions produced on his mind from the study of different curiosities in art and nature. If in the character of Mr. Pindlekins as a foreign tourist, the reader has felt disposed to smile at some of the peculiarities intro- duced, it is well, before he goes farther in making up his estimate, to follow the delineation of his qualities as a dwell- er upon his native soil, and I am much mistaken if he does not find that, like others, he has been prejudiced by viewing things out of their proper element, or in other words, that Patrick Henry at Baden, in the Tunnel, or among the Pyra- mids, is a fish very much " out of water," and very unlike the same gentleman when wearing out shoe leather on na- tive gravel. Mr. Pindlekins might travel half his life with- out danger of impairing his patriotic allegiance, and it is therefore no more than fair in judging of his attributes, to remember how powerful an influence the sentiment of " amor patrime" may have upon him. As for temper, has has enough to fortify all the Damascus blades that were ever manufac- tured, but then its operations are as quick as the elec- tric fluid-a flash-a glare-a crash-and the storm is gone. Born a gentleman, with his fathers before him all gentlemen, and coming from a State where the pride of an- cestry is a living sentiment that pervades and manifests itself in every thing, it is scarcely to be wondered at that a con- stitutional sensitiveness, inherited from nature and fostered GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 2 j by early prejudices, should have become somewhat exag- gerated, and occasionally brought forward inopportunely. Early taught as a part of his religious creed, to believe that a man is responsibleto his compeers for what he does and says, " at all times, in all ways, and under all circumstances," he is to be found posted on all the delicate and complicated technicalities of the code regulating affairs of honor, and in case of difficulties of a serious nature is immediately called upon to superintend. His good judgment, and disposition to avoid actual hostilities, enable him usually to conduct matters to a peaceful termination ; but if there is no escape, and the thing has to be done, his ingenuity in accomplishing his mission, and yet avoiding the legal penalty, is worthy of all admiration. He conscientiously devotes a certain por- tion of his time to the practice of pistol shooting, and gal- leries devoted to that elegant pastime look upon him as a generous patron. His exercises are always watched with curiosity by an admiring crowd, and such is the fame of his aim, that there is a report current that on several occasions his approach was heralded by the bell behind the "bull's eye" beginning to ring of its own accord. Mr. Pindlekins, besides being a person of decidedly musical tastes, possesses considerable talent in that respect. He has some knowledge of the instrument so popular in his native State, the banjo, and considers it endowed with great power and sweetness, but confesses that it might be charged with a little same. ness of tone. He has a fine ear, and is an acquisition in a general chorus. Having overcome his prejudices against a page: 14-15[View Page 14-15] " NEW-YORK ARISTOQRACY; OR foreign style of music, he is a strong advocate of the Italian Opera. Really enjoying the music, he can keep his seat, and refrain from the detestable habit of annoying those about him by loud and ill-timed conversation. In the inter- lude he does the agreeable to Mrs. Lavender, and is thorough- ly convinced that he has made that lady unhappy, which (as it flatters him) is a state of things she is very far from being hostile to. He entertains Old Gabby and her daugh- ter in a manner eminently pleasing to that venerable biddy with one chicken. Mrs. Gabby is a perfect old crocodile about her daughter, keeping that piece of tempting bait to lure within the snap of her ponderous jaws the unsuspecting innocent. Patrick Henry is, however, wide awake, being a man of much experience in things of this nature; and al- though one of the most susceptible men in the world, is re- served probably for a better fate than that of alliance with so unctuous and crafty a piece of plumptitude as the young- er Gabby. At the least calculation he has been in love, or believed that he was, one hundred times, and out of it twice that number. Being of a very mercurial temperament, he does not take his love affairs very hard, and manages to keep a pretty good appetite, and sleep very soundly, in spite of the ill usages of the tyrant Cupid. Like most social men, he makes many friends, and when in their society you would i think they were all his bosom companions, but with the ma- jority it is " out of sight out of mind." Of his means, or his services, they are altogether, and at all times, at the disposal of those that are entitled to them. He will lend GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. his last copper, or share his only shilling; and if the thing was possible, and necessary, would give away his eyes and i? j look through his buttons. With such ideas, it is not aston ishing that he does not increase his worldly goods. A man J that doesn't think of the value of a penny isn't apt to about that of a pound. It would be difficult to mention all the 4 people or places for which he has a periodical enthusiasm. It embraces a wide range with great variety of objects. At one time he may be observed playing billiards for a basket of champagne with Mr. Bonmot, proprietor of the Hotel, who keeps a big house for the public and a big heart for his friends, who admires fine horses and fine diamonds, and has both of them; at another he exchanges views in regard to horse flesh with Mr. Samuel Segew, who is sup- posed to be as good as the next man in his judgment of horses, or in drawing a rein over them; again he may be seen on terms of affecting intimacy with Mr. Loud, a repre- sentative of the Long Island or shell-fish aristocracy, whose family is coeval with the oldest clam banks, and himself a very edifying specimen of bivalvular dignity. Between this gentleman and Mr. Pindlekins there exists a state of peculiar and brotherly confidence, which we can only hope will be conducive to their mutual advantage. On a sudden, from some unknown cause, the needle of his compass will work round in the direction of Grammercy Park, and as suddenly slip down to Layfayette Place. At one time old Gabby thought her gosling's chances were gone, by having conclud- ed from certain observations that Patrick Henry was deep page: 16[View Page 16] 16 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, in his designs on the Rumkees of the Bleecker-street regime. Mrs. Fustian (to whom the reader will be shortly introduced), after a few politic reflections, has concluded to visit people who live in Bleecker-street, but refuses to perspire below that line. I do not know whether it would be necessary that the political bias of Patrick Henry should be laid before the public. Though not troubling himself much about public affairs, he still feels a strong interest in the ruling questions of the day. Occasionally when as a Southerner, with a con- sciousness of the rights .guaranteed by the constitution to every State in the Union, his sensibilities have been wound- ed by the treasonable conduct of Abolitionists, or the folly of Free-soilism, true to his explosive nature, he comes out strong for south of Mason and Dixon's line; but on the whole I think he may be set down as a pretty good Unionist. In justice to this type of Virginian aristocracy, I must say that my descriptions refer more to his attributes when first ap- pearing on the stage of New-York society, than to his pres- ent deportment. A long residence here, together with for- eign travel, has been instrumental in liberalizing his views, and to a considerable extent destroying those strong preju- dices so characteristic of his countrymen generally. My candid belief is, that at the present time he is willing to ad- mit that the sun rises and sets in some few other places be- sides Fredericksburgh. At all events, his present position authorizes us to regard him as an integer of some importance in the walks of society above Bleecker. "May he live a thousand years, and his shadow never be less." page: Illustration-17[View Page Illustration-17] GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. CHAPTER II. O cives, cives, querenda pecunia primnum est Virtus post nummos. [Epistles of Horace, Lib. Ist, line 53. PEOPLE who have not been born and brought up in thi modern Babel-this city of nations-are very much puzzle( in trying to resolve society into any distinctive orders They may be very excellent judges of ordinary combinations and have as good reason to suppose that they are as we] qualified as the majority to find the causes of effects, an( yet be obliged to own up when asked to unfold this socik problem. It is not at all surprising. Even those who hay had (as they may choose to call it) the good or the bai fortune to have first opened their eyes to the light, an, their ears to the unceasing din of carts on old Manhattar and thence amidst the city proper, have grown to be " chi] dren of larger growth," are oftentimes as little able a strangers to explain satisfactorily this singular phenomenor Had I the capacity or inclination to wade through such labyrinth as the elucidation of this would involve me in, should be effectually prevented, out of tender mercy to ml reader. Those who are sufferers, or imaginary sufferers from chagrin, at certain conditions imposed by the law of society in which they live, are not to be consoled by an; philosophy that may be assigned for the fact. Leaving thes things for such as are fond of curious abstractions, I wi] page: 18-19[View Page 18-19] 18 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, assert a broad and undeniable fact-as data for others as well as myself-that the material of which modern fashion- able society is composed, may be summed up in two words - Wealth and Tact. This is susceptible of a logical demon- stration, and I am perfectly willing to give one at a right time, and on a proper occasion. It may be flattering and yet be true, to suppose that there are many who, having nothing to fear, would concur in this opinion. There are others enjoying their "brief hour," who would not think it worth their while to controvert, on a subject that might possibly disturb the comfortable security that they are merely in titular possession of. Very apropos, there goes an illustration of the class I allude to-a perfect octavo in calf, which, if you like, we will look into and study. Watch her as in her carriage she rolls down Broadway, in fat flannels and favor-remark the carriage, a true ark of safety, fifteen by five; what a grand, extension concern, and as if taking the cue from its perspiring occupant, seems to spare no pains in filling as much space as possible, whether by right or not. The wheels are all stout, strong wheels, as needs be, to support such a clear, dead weight, and as they revolve on their well oiled axles, sigh, wearily with their labor, and now and then (queer wheels) will snatch up a bit of pure mud, throw it quickly in at the low carriage door, still con- tinuing their evolutions as if they had done nothing, save perhaps, to have suggested in a slightly figurative way, the natural element of the " free-soil" fashionables-an accidental emblem of the bespattered type. You are curious, I see, to learn the colour of the carriage, and perhaps whether the carriage is the only thing that is painted ; but I shan't tell you. May I ask you digressively, what style of horses you like? the " silver grays" or iron, the bays, chestnut or the cross? the bob or the long tail? You may enjoy your private fancy, but I shall not betray the color of " our" horses, or of the men on the box, though I will tell you that there are crests on the harness; whether got up "to order" by our friend Smith, the herald chaser in Reade street, or purchased privately from some Gallic refugee, at a time when the now republicanized land of Monsieur Crapeau furnished its pat-* ents of nobility for " value received," is more than I can say. For those in need, let me state that there is no great difficulty in obtaining an emblazoned escutcheon in this land, where every thing can be won and worn; won with wealth and worn with impudence. There are Messrs. Tomlinson & Wood, who are deep in the knowledge and documents of heraldry, that have helped many a poor devil to a coronet on a coach door: only when you negotiate, be careful to en- join secrecy, and remember that it is entirely unnecessary for you to inform them that your family arms have unfortu- nately been lost: they know that as well as you do, and more, that they were never found. Now, our firiend in the carriage (who I shall call Mrs. Fustian), although she rather affects crests, and will talk learnedly about them by the hour with you (she is never without a book of the Peerage at hand), is a little sensitive on the subject of coats of arms. Coats of arms may have more than one meaning-there may be a disagreeable signigeance if the word coats is empha- page: 20-21[View Page 20-21] 20 NSEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, sized-it is perhaps painfully suggestive of a professional ancestry, and besides, who wants to pin their faith on any man's coat. Ingeed, I am told she took it in very high dudgeon, because a person with whom she was conversing chanced to quote a passage of Scripture which refers to the difficulty of " threading a needle " with a camel. She was? sure there was something meant; she is always sure some- thing is meant if accidental mention is made of any of the i utensils of trade. Did you observe how well the livery of her servants is got up, not in the disposition of the colors perhaps, but in the workmanship; it is (for her livery) unfortunately artistic, and seems as if especially intended to show the world the importance of that beautiful and useful art which is made subservient to the constructive properties of broadcloth and and beeswax. Ill-natured people say she need not get so easily enraged about trifles, since that if they were entirely ignorant of her origin, her style of manners and mind would give a clue which would not lead them far out of the way. Mrs. Ichabod Fustian is a woman of family,-not in the sense she would wish the world to understand by that expression -but a woman with a family of children, and (what many will learn with surprise for the first time) a husband, of whose existence, even by inuendo, Mrs. Fustian rarely, if i ever, mentions. In fact, to all intents and purposes, so far as the public is concerned, Mr. Fustian is only a hypothetical husband,-a conjugal cipher of which no account has ever been made in the domestic calendar. ' In all calculations by the familly algebra he represents the " unknown quantity." GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 21 When Ichabod Fustian, after serving his time faithfully, had established himself in a small, snug business, he thought it best to look for a partner for life that would advance his in- terests by economy and care; and accordingly paid his addresses to Miss Fantail Freelove, who at that time (for reasons it is unnecessary to mention) was not disposed to be over fastidious, if a fair chance should offer. Mr. Fustian did not make beauty or education essential qualifications, but rather conceived that in the practical mind, and physical vigor of the object of his choice, he had selected a person well adapted to preside at the washtub, or to subjugate a refractory family. Well, he found that he was not mistaken in this respect. Mrs. F. proved a good worker and an excellent manager; there were no emergencies to which her tact and energy were not equal. This lasted very well for some time; things went on in the usual humdrum way, and Mr. F. began. to think, after measuring his customers, and closing the store for the night, that he was something more than the ninth part of a man. But, alas, for Ichabod's felicity: it was destined to be very short-lived. By the vicissitudes of trade, money began to pour in, and with it an ambition on the part of Mrs. F. to better her condition and gain a name among the people. Under her impulsive teachings, poor Ichabod became as plastic as the dough she kneaded. From that day to the present he has been but a household automaton, obliged to box his compass according to the chart laid down by his brawny spouse-forced in the outset to relinquish his egitimate sphere to which he was attached, to delve and page: 22-23[View Page 22-23] 22 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, slave for means to support a system of life that he thorough- ly abhorred, and for which he gets no sort of credit. Mrs. F. considers it of no consequence that he should be known as connected with any domestic enterprise. She has been known to speak of her husband to her visitors, as if giving a piece of news at which they must be delightfully astonished, and on the same occasion appeared highly flattered because her announcement was looked upon as merely a good joke. She finds him useful, and makes use of him; keeps him busy at odds and ends, particularly as it keeps him out of sight. He gives orders for her entertain- ments and money for her to pay for them. On great occa- sions of state, he appears in an humble way; never inter- fering by ill-timed officiousness; he has been too well drilled. My reader wonders how on earth these people got so much in the world's eye. I will tell him. Mrs. Fustian knew (what doesn't she know in such matters) that she could not get where she aspired by a simple bravado of wealth or show of equipages; that people then (though now the current seems to be setting just the other way) were to be approached more cautiously, and therefore her cards must be played accordingly. First, she must be seen occasionally in pleasant confi- dence with one or two whose patronage will be invaluable, to whom she must cringe and fawn, and play lickspittle to, in such a way as to impress the idea, that although she is socially nothing, it is a pity that a woman with so much tact and goodness of heart couldn't be brought forward. Step number two, must be a bold dash. Her house is Xg ^GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 2 to be established, her name to be spoken, and therefore a grand ball must be the baptism to consecrate her. Brown, the peerless Falstaff of Gotham, must scour the hotels for sojourning notables, sweep the cellars and attics for super- annuated talent, and where the lion's skin is deficient, eke it out with the ass's. Brown can do it; and being consulted in "trembling hope," pronounces the undertaking feasible, and the bargain is concluded, by his offering, for sufficient and substantial considerations, to fill out the blanks from his own list. "Strike up drums, sound alarums," the invita- tions are out. Somebody asks who Mrs. Fustian is : a pa- tron answers, " go and see ;" and "f go and see" is short, and may imply a good deal. So it becomes a watchword, and people generously conclude to " go and see." A flourish of trumpets, a crush and its consequences, which Mrs. Fus- tian thinks dog cheap at $2500 or $3000, and the day is won. Then comes the glory-oh! such glory, and in the ful- ness of her gratitude, what will she not do for the world. She has been befriended, and must not be behindhand in acknowledgments. Her life now is but an echo of the world, into which she has just been born; a tally stick on which all their sports are scored; a leger in which All the public follies are registered; a waddling encyclopedia of the beau- monde; a reflex in fan and feathers of fashionable jugglery. "And since the rich in their own barges ride, (She) hires a boat and PUKES in mimic PRIDE." I intended in- this chapter to have given Mr. Falstaff Brown a more extended notice, but have been prevented by the difficulty of conjoining, in a seemly manner, the bulk of page: 24[View Page 24] 24 GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. his portly person with the unhooped vastness of Mrs. Fus- tian. It would be almost as impossible for them to share and share alike in the same chapter, as it would to sit on the same chair, or dine off the same dish of meat-that is, if Mrs. F. retains that fearful appetite for which she has the credit. Brown is a splendid specimen of a successful sexton -a man of numberless callings and astonishing ubiquity. Besides attending to the rights and ceremonies of his partic- ular profession, he may be found engaged in a wondrous va- riety of lucrative occupations. Although chief conduc- tor at funerals, marriages, baptisms, etc., there is no one whose reputation stands with his in arranging the costly pre- parations for festivities among those who have discovered that extravagance is sometimes accepted in lieu of " exclu- siveness." No one can look at Brown and not be convinced that he is a rising man, that, although he gives to so many that last allowance to humanity, " six feet of earth," he is himself on the high road to prosperity. He bears about him unmistakable evidences of good conscience and good cheer. Who but recalls the shrill whistle that makes an " open se- same" for arrivals by the last carriage, or the call for con- veyances of departing guests, in a voice that rivals perhaps the sonorous majesty with which the summons were given for the " last charge" at Waterloo. It is to be hoped that Brown may turn literary when he retires, and become com- municative. No one, I think it is safe to say, could tell such "tales out of school." Let us hope that in his benevolence he will speak the secrets of his prison house, and enlighten the benighted people. K page: Illustration-25[View Page Illustration-25] Mr. Falstaff Brown, on his throne of"Grace," admonishes the wayfarer of the importance of dress. GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 25 CHAPTER III. Nam ut quisque insanus nigris medium in impedut crus Pellibus, et latum demisit pectore clavum, Audit continu6 "Quis homo hic?" et "Quo patre natus?" [6th Chap. 1st Book of Horace's Satires. ON the principle that an " ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure," I hope to be pardoned for occupying a small space in entering a humble disclaimer. In order to avoid all possibility of misconstruction, as well as suspicions of every kind, I wish, before I go any farther, distinctly, and once for all, to avow my entire innocence of attempt at in- dividual portraiture, and to deprecate the suspicion of havy. ing any other motive in these imperfect etchings, than that of amusing myself by presenting society at large with a mirror, whose reflection shall be a truthful " ensemble" of many things that an overweening pride would prevent them from observing-or if observing, from acknowledging. I intend to " set down nought in malice, nor aught extenuate." I shall illustrate classes by individuals, (fictitious ones, of course,) who, from being intensified specimens of the class to which they belong, render themselves conspicuously the objects of public interest and private speculation. Indeed I do not know but that it might be said that they are, to a certain extent, public property. I wish to show my cus- tomers the raw material, before art and labor shall have 2 page: 26-27[View Page 26-27] 26 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRAOY; ORE rendered it into a tissue of glossy silk. If Mr. Fustian made his appearance as a tailor, it was simply because it was ai ordinary profession, and suited the man. He may have cobbled, or coopered, or carried a pack for all I care, but as he made his bow, shears in hand, there is no use in dis guising him as a soldier. The story is told of some inge nious gentleman, who, finding himself without a seat at the opera, forthwith put his head in the first circle, and pro claimed in a loud voice that (I forget which, but it was either) Mr. Smith's, or Mr. Brown's, or Mr. Jones's house was on fire; as might be expected, the announcemen brought out a moiety of the audience, and our friend ob tained the object in view. It is easy to see that the story was got up to show how many of the human family rejoiced in one or the other of the patronymics composing the above trinity. So Mr. Fustian was made a knight of the needle instead of a knight of the cross, because the profession was chosen at random, and because it was a very honorable one Indeed humanity would be but a naked affair without it Although it's no disgrace that your grandfather was hung; yet, like poverty, "it's devilish inconvenient ;" and a com- mittee of tailors would no doubt pass resolutions to the ef- fect, that although a man's father was a tailor, he's the ninth part of a man for " a' that." "Honor and shame from no condition rise, (Sew) well your part, and where the honor lies." I have dwelt longer on this matter than was, perhaps, neccessary, or agreeable ; but have done so that hereafter I GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 27 can paint in peace, when it is known that my embodiments are but the types of classes. If every one was like Mrs. Fustian, it would be plain sailing, for she is too fond of no- toriety to care much how it is acquired, and is very well satisfied that her foibles and her family should be gazetted, even in equivocal terms. She has been known to crow over letters from watering places, in which were allusions that nothing but the most fearful self-sufficiency could torture into a compliment. Dry humor, or satirical irony, are all lost on this lady, it having been no part of her education to cultivate a delicate appreciation. But, alas, there is a class of people, cousins-german to Mrs. Fustian, who are her antipodes in the way of susceptibility-victims of a mis- erable, morbid sensitiveness, resulting from ignorance, and a brooding apprehension as to the stability of their "Iocum tenens." In approaching this genus I am beset with many fears, lest, on an unexpected occasion, I should be taken to task by some Don Quixote of the fraternity, who fearful that he may be, or has been, the unconscious object of slight, determines to establish with the world a belief in the fastidiousness of his punctilio, by an extra assumption of captiousness. It is no small affair to maintain even a de- cently amiable relation with such. You must'jockey your- self down to a system of the most scientific control, and even then be prepared to be surprised at nothing. I can invent no theory to justify the creation of these unhappy mortals, unless they are to be included under that comprehensive assortment-necessary evils. As this is a page: 28-29[View Page 28-29] 28 NEW-YORK ARISTOORAOY; OR, distinct species, and one offering many features that will re pay careful study, I shall withhold my specimens, and pro ceed with the instructive details of the Fustian family. hate to leave those amiable persons-they combine so man, strong traits, and present such a charming aggregate, tha I am doubtful of obtaining any thing so complete in its kind or of so recognizable a character. It is a study which s many will understand, not because of the justice I hai done to it (though I flatter myself that it possesses son fidelity), but because since the Fustians dug their way t the light, it has been their constant aim to keep that fact s ostentatiously before the world, that there has been no sue thing as forgetting it. It would have been bad tactics to have allowed the furo of a first advent to subside without turning it to some pe manent interest. You don't catch Mrs. Fustian making an such sad mistakes. She knows that although the splutte and dash with which she accompanies herself, is but " much ado about nothing," that if she succeed, it will no be the first time that such means have given " a local hat tation and a name." Do you suppose that a tactician of he stamp would miss the eclat of a pew at Grace Church, an more than that of a box at the Opera? Did you ever kno her violate etiquette so far as to be in her seat when th service commences? or by underdressing the conventions standard appointed by the frequenters of that highly fashion able and ornate temple? It is customary of a fine Sunday for Ichabod to precede by a sufficient time his delicat GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 29 spouse, that all luxurious appurtenances may be properly adjusted, and also as a kind of silent herald of her august approach. So, when he appears, he is regarded in the prophetical light of a sort of municipal St. John. Ichabod is accustomed to pioneering of all sorts, from that of pri- vate policemen at hotels, on the " qui vive" for itinerant nobility, to the pious sentinel of a Sunday. It is only those who have witnessed the spectacle of her sacred debut, that can really conceive of its dignity; with a vanguard of sons and daughters, one is forcibly reminded of the grand entree which opens an equestrian performance. This scenic dis- play comes off generally about half an hour after things are started, when most of the frequenters- are settled to their prayers or their naps, as the case may be. It is unques- tionably a great coup de (Grace) and by bad judges pro- nounced exceedingly vulgar. It is the same thing at the Opera, with a slight change of dress, and an increased de- votion of manner-for, in both cases, it is but mannerism. The probability is that if the fashions should change, neither place would be often honored, as the sacrifice would be small. I would recommend those who enjoy rich treats, to go and see the performance that takes place in Mrs. Fus- tian's box, "it's as good as play" and better than a pill. It would take more space than the thing is worth to describe the whole of this exquisite farce; but it may be seen at the usual price, two nights in the week, all through Opera season. Strangers who may have visited our Opera House during page: 30-31[View Page 30-31] 30 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY ; ORI the fashionable season (for be it known that persons of Mrs, Fustian's order, seldom think it worth while to attend any public amusement out of a prescribed time), can hardly have failed to have had their attention called to a certain part of the house by the frantic exhibitions of a very stout, hearty lady, who looks more like an over-dressed washer-womai than any thing else. To those who are unacquainted with her character, it would be difficult to divine what she is driving at, or what end she has in view. In the midst of Verdi's heavenly cadences, when the house is rapt in breathless silence, this uninspired person is squirming and shuffling through a series of contortions, that suggest th idea more than any thing else, that she has had her fee suddenly immersed in a tub of -very hot water, and bee obliged to keep them there. One might suppose that sh would tire of endeavors to call attention to her box, but i is quite the contrary. There are a regular series all throug the evening, which neither the heavy artillery of "Lon bardi," or the light diversions of "H Barbiero De Seviglio, are able to subdue, commencing with a gentle display o smiles and nods, and manifestations of lace and cap string and increasing in alarming ratio till, with the head-gear i convulsions, the arms flailing about, and the big fan goin like a patent wind-mill, it ends in a grand climax of perspi ing agony. It is very lucky for my lady, that .there is sue a thing as attraction of cohesion, or else she might find thi rotations in full dress would be less delicate and more dar gerous. Those in the farthest stage box, and the distar GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 31 amphitheatre, are familiar with the stentorian power of a voice which exacts recognition by ignorant remarks and ill- timed plaudits-that voice which reminds us of the scold- ing cooks, whom we have just discharged. Mrs. Fustian conciliates visits to her private box, and if successful, never fails in some peculiar and energetic way, to call public atten- tion to that fact. She plays to the audience quite as much as the gentlemen on the stage, and as for taste in music or any fondness for the intrinsic beauty of sweet sounds, she confessed to the Duke of - in a grateful effusion after an invitation to visit his Italian villa, that she cared more for mutton. The Duke would never intentionally have be- trayed the confidence, but one day after dinner, at the New- York Hotel, when the wine was in and the wit out, he made a clean breast of the whole thing. As for the lady's con- fession, any one who has seen her dexterity at lamb and mint sauce, will entertain little doubt but that she meant what she said about mutton. There was another little cir- cumstance connected with musical matters, which some- what, though very slightly, confused Mrs. Fustian, and amused the spectators. As a general thing she takes the cue from others, when she applauds, and " comes down" with the house; yet occasionally, for the sake of establish- ing her claims, as a capable critic, she electrifies the assem- blage with a terrific battery of "bravas" and bravos" when the quorum of connoisseurs are enjoying the calm in- terregnum that marks the transition from one fine point to another. Unluckily for her reputation, as an Italian scholar, page: 32-33[View Page 32-33] 32 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR) she '-bravas"Edgardo, and "bravos"Lucia, with other mistakes, which even the confidential instruction of the polished Duke has been unsuccessful in eradicating. Mrs. Fustain is not of a temperament to be much annoyed by such trifles (for trifles she deems them), and returns with interest the satirical aim of Mrs. Musky's opera glass, who is the leader of the "fur faction"-looks defiance at the "pack pedler clique"-smiles sardonically at the "note shaving" set, and actually points her finger contemptuously at the " small potato paddy" party, all of whom she regards with supreme contempt, and turning to her protege, Bob Brokendown (a perfect Japonica "jamb noir"), remarks in such bad French that I forego an imitation: " n'importe, pauvre parvenus, je les pleins"-to which Bob replies, "c'est bien vrai, Madame, ils sont jaloux, c'est tout." This young gentleman is an important personage witl Mrs. Fustian. He is her confidential stool-pigeon, genera decoy duck, and matrimonial whipper in. His genealogica tree goes back perhaps a half generation further than tha of his patroness, before the branch of manual labor, fron which he is a shoot, appears. Between these two there subsists a condition of reciprocal interests, that at the firs acquaintance was the means of producing the alliance, and maintaining between them an unbroken and well understood free-masonry. It was a union for mutual convenience, and the copartnership has existed without a thought of dissolu tion. Bob Brokendown was among those who assisted Mrs Fustian to bury her reminiscences of shop and shears b: GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 3 eating her dinners and patronizing her parties. For this he had two good reasons, one of which would have been quite sufficient to have authorized the confederacy: first, to assist from a feeling of sympathy, this ambitious lady to the honors of an aristocratic maternity, reminded no doubt of the struggles of his own "aspiring house," while the bul- lion lay waiting for the government stamp. I am sorry that I cannot say that the other reason, though by far the most cogent, was equally disinterested. However, in my next chapter, the reader will have an opportunity of drawing his own conclusions. page: 34 (Illustration) [View Page 34 (Illustration) ] 34 NEW-YORK AEISTOOCRACY; OR CHAPTEIR IV. Rediculum acri Fortiuw, t mrliuh, magnaa plerumque secat res. 10th Sat. of Hor. lib .1. AGREEABLY to the promise that closed my last chapter, I shall proceed to distribute the biographical tit-bits rela- ting to that interesting young gentleman, Mr. Brokendown, who may be taken as a fair sample of the particular pet lambs among what I prefer calling the "Flat Foot Aristoc- racy." The term "codfish," I know, is the one now in vogue, and perhaps at one time was the most appropriate that could be used; but there is an easterly twang about the expression, which should have kept it sacredly "salted down" for the exclusive benefit of the Lynn shoemakers and the " higher law"Bostonians. Flat foot is very com- prehensive, and tolerably significant, as will be seen by con- sulting the catalogues which I intend to publish. There are such a number as would properly come under that clas- sification, that I shall find it somewhat difficult to know where to commence. However, we'll think of that on the way, and now for our hopeful charge. Bob was a fast man, and foreseeing, with that clairvoyance peculiar to fast men, that he was in a fair way to find his way out of the lane, long as it had Bob, in a Gambling Saloon, obtains the loan of a dollar from-the Duke. page: -35[View Page -35] GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 35 been, he wisely turned his attention to securing such inte- rests as it would be pleasant to know of, when he should be obliged to retire on "half pay," or under the necessities of general insolvency. You may be sure 'when a man makes such provisions, it will not be very long before those contin-. gencies occur which will render it agreeable to avail himself of them.- And thus it came to pass, by due course of " faro" "high-low-jack," " vingt-et-un," and a " two-forty" gait gen- erally, that Mr. Bob found it very conveniently economical to fall upon those "reserved rights," which his former di- plomacy had secured with Mrs. Fustian, and with whom he now negotiated in a manner which he hoped would hum- bug the world to believe, was entirely attributable to his consciousness that that lady's real position was such as to require a deferential style of approach. The two sinners know what they are about though, and the compact is made without anybody but the world being much cheated. In exchange for being put on the "free list," our respected friend binds himself by tacit, though solemn indentures, to become a useful and incorruptible attache, rendering all the varied and polite offices consistent with genteel sycophancy. He is as much "Garcon" as "Blacky" who hands up your card, and only lacks livery to make a respectable servitor, and "gall to make oppression bitter." His services are multiform, and often attended with considerable difficulty; but his talents seem now to have found their proper sphere, and he assumes the baton with the dignity of a Field Marshal. The Duke, who taught page: 36-37[View Page 36-37] 36 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, him a trick or two in pasteboard, to the tune of a few thou- sands, is quite amazed at the metamorphose, and pronounces him as clever as the bandit valet, who keeps his " villa" in order, while he plucks a few pigeons to sustain the expenses incurred by his stay in American society. Neither can Mrs. Fustian refuse the meed of praise to such speedy profici- ency, and feels, after all, that she has not paid too extrava- gantly for the unexceptionable "ton" which Bob has im- parted to her whole establishment. Again, when Madam or daughters are obliged to play wall flowers (a not unfrequent occurrence) at balls, at the Springs, or the Opera, this facile gentleman's voluntary at tentions divert a critical observance of such fact, and take off the wiry edge of mortification. Belonging to the "dancing dervishes," and an accomplished one at that; his business is, in case Miss Eudocia is likely to have no chanc for the next set, to lead out that skinny nymph, and hug her vigorously " secundum artem," and in case of her feel ing greatly overcome by the pressure and passion, which one would judge was the attractive feature of our approved Polka, "et id omne genus' he drops her by mamma, and send for an ice. At supper time he has the responsible charg of ministering to the capricious longings of Miss Eudocia and the formidable requirements of her more capacious an less fastidious mamma. I could not truthfully relate the feats in gastronom performed by this lady, without incurring some little skept cism, and perhaps the auspicions of the incredulous, that I!tlM GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. had a very free imagination; so, I will let the ungrateful task alone, and if any one is curious to get some statistical information, I refer such to the unfailing memory and cease- less tattle of Dr. Magpie, to whom I shall not fail of intro- ducing my readers more particularly at a future period. Again, at the opera, in case of the Duke's, or Count Nut- meg's absence (the laundress of these gentlemen sometimes refusing further credit, retains a ", lien" on their linen, caus- ing thereby the disruption of sundry engagements, unfore- seen), Bob stands in " milady's" stall conspicuously, and pro- ceeds to operate gracefully on the first and second row, with a beautifully enamelled glass, but of remarkably small power, a souvenir of Madam's, designed much more to be seen than to see through. There was a time, and not very remote, when he had a better glass, which with several other articles of some little value, after making sundry calls on his "Uncle," paid a final visit from which it never returned, having become incorpo- rated in the promiscuous properties constituting the estate of that hospitable old gentleman. Or, if he sees a modest young man hanging about the lobbies, evidently too diffident to encounter, without encouragement, such "a mass of fash- ion and a bowl of form," he tips him a wink, which being "as good as a nod to a blind horse", brings the fledgling with a flutter to the box, who soon finds that (intellectually, though not in this case physically) he is not the first one whose imagination has raade" mountains of molehills." I This being done, Bob, with a feeling of infinite relief, es- page: 38-39[View Page 38-39] 38 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, capes to mingle in the gossip of his set or participate in the slang and bad brandy of the bar-room. He amuses himself, (the hypocrite) by strolling through the different cliques ini. mical or rival to the one whose mistress he serves, and acting as a vagabond spy, he ferrets out and retails the intelligence acquired by a quick eye and an acute ear. He ensconces himself by the side of Mrs. Japhet Blowhard, a tender shoot taken from the branch of the "Small Potato" party, and grafted matrimonially on an unknown stock-from this source he obtains little but brogue and bad grammar. He stops a moment, also, with Mrs. Lavender, who, with her family, constitute the only specimens there are of the " note shaving" upper ten. This ladyis remarkably astute and pene- trating. She has her attaches, but they are retained about her person for more sentimenal purposes, and by more en- ticing arguments, than ever crossed the mind of Bob when he entered service. She is not to be hoodwinked by trai- torous gallantries, and "Arnold" passes on with the uncom- fortable consciousness of a man that has been caught in the act. Thence he saunters to spend a few moments with the occupants of Mrs. Musky's box, a paragon of pickled politeness, but being given to cauterizing individuals of Bob's calibre, he retires as soon as may be with unfavorable im- pressions regarding that lady's style of conversation, but obliged to admire her extravagance in jewels and brocade. Mrs. Musky being the chief representative of the blended dynasties of the "milk cart" and " fur" factions, and des- 'G-EMS OF JAPOMOA-DOM. tined to be distinguished by a full length portrait, I would call a careful attention to the lights and shades contained in her picture. Not thinking it worth while to " potter" with the "pack pedlers," or distress himself unnecessarily with sickening pap, which awaits the luckless wight that stum- bles on the pluck-and-liver, thread-and-needle" sofa, he returns to his kennel in time to conduct his charge to the crush-room, where he blankets them against the dangers which a violent change might produce on such delicate con- stiutions. In case of no proffered escort, he usually accom- panics them home, and as they seldom indulge in the luxu- ry of a hot supper (that species of extravagance being mostly accorded to the beloved public), he happens in by way of consolation at some gilded hell, where, with the as- sistance of a bottle or two of the best sporting brand, he fortifies himself for the excitement with which he intends to lose his last dollar-a kindly loan from the Duke, in re- collection of the liberal manner in which Bob " came down" for professional instructions. We shall not pretend to fol- low in the wake of this victim of infatuation, when inflamed with wine and good luck, or desperate with the agony of the loss of his little all, he abandons himself to those grosser dissipations, from the momentary oblivion of which he shall be wakened on the morrow to the aggravated tortures of remorse and bodily prostration. How many, O! reader, from those we know, are leading this existence day in and day out! and how many, with as fair chances of long life page: 40-41[View Page 40-41] 40 EW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, as ourselves, have passed away suddenly and gone down to the dust! Of the many vicious passions that grow with rank pro. fusion in the human heart, can one be pointed out which holds the faculties in such absolute despotism, as that which burns and festers in the bosom of an habitual gambler? By its awful impulses, Nature lives in constant - outlawry with herself-humanity is made a mockery and byword-the sa, cred ties of blood are dissolved, and virtue, honor and truth are regarded but as the fictitious creations of a crude phi. losophy, or a diseased fancy. Look at that pale, bloodless, broken wreck, that creeps tremblingly-that incarnation of the " confessions of an opium eater"-do you recognize in his blasted form, bowed with premature old age, in that face seamed with many a deep-cut line of woe, and lit with the ghastly flame of unholy passions, the likeness of one who was illustrious in promise and'! family, with a splendor of qualities and nobility of form, that gave the " world as- surance of a man?"No 1 Ay, but it is so. That man moves and breathes and has his being in our midst-and to me he looks like a transparent sepulchre, through which the loathsome corruptions are revealed, or as a green flick. ering phosphoric light, hung as a beacon to warn off the unthinking from the yawning abyss over which it is sus- pended. But what has this to do with Bob? Perhaps more than he thinks. Let him profit by the "coming events that cast their shadows before." - Besides, it was little episode, I thought there could be no harm in; and 1 when Mrs. Fustian sees it, I hope she will be induced to read Bobby a private lecture. To tell the truth, Mrs. F. troubles herself little enough about such small matters as the moral qualifications of her associates. Her ethics, if she have any, are sufficiently libe- ral, to please the most enlightened latitudinarian. What does she care for the abstract principles of virtue, of truth, of i modesty, unless they put money in (her) purse, or afford her some kind of eclat? and M is pretty well aware of living in an age when such qualities command but small premiums. Her creed, civil and religious, is a profound faith in the infallibility of Mammon; her decalogue, in the best payinginvestments; and her prayers, supplications for the golden rod with which she may waive her enemies into awe and insignificance. She has devoted much time, and her best talents, to the study of domestic and financial economy, and a digest from her of these particular topics would be an acquisition of much practical value. If she pos- sesses one talent which is above another, it is that by which she is enabled to make the greatest display, at the least actual cost. It would be well for the public, feasting and making merry at Mrs. Fustian's expense, to remember how hard the subsequent pinchings and retrenchments will come down on that " unknown quantity," poor Ichabod. If you should ever chance to obtain his confidence, ask him how far the remnants of a large ball have carried him, before he was allowed to sit down to a freshy prepared meal. I merely venture on this little bit of gossip, to show that "all page: 42-43[View Page 42-43] 1 42 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, is not gold that glitters," and as an anodyne to allay the :? smarting jealousy of envying outsiders. Bob's most confi. : dential position, however, is as matrimonial agent. This l makes it necessary for him to frequent the courts of probate, and be very sweet on the county Surrogate. He must keep ; up his acquaintance with large contractors in real estate, t court the ready money capitalists, and have a sharp eye on i the heavy holders of fancy stocks. Besides, he must lounge ; i!?- about fashionable hotels il the city or at watering places,C and make ACCIDENTAL acquaintances with verdant nabobs,- who, learning that he has the entree, put their leading strings into his hands. He is an obliging cicerone, eats their 4 dinners, gambles with their money, and damns them behind their back. To qualify himself for these delicate diploma- gr cies, he reads "Izaac Walton"' attentively, and gleans pre- cepts from the standard works of ichthyology, divining that ! a knowledge of piscatory psychology will give him vantage ground, when he comes to whip the stream for veteran ! trout. At first Mrs. Fustian had a raging mania for the " no- bility," as the kind of metal that would make the telling weights in the social scale; but being on one or two occa- sions severely done for by the " counterfeit presentment," and from subsequent convictions that there was no ostensi- ble aristocracy but that of dollars, she has drawn off in favor of the latter. Still she has the good sense to keep two strings to her bow, and if it be possible, strives for those alliances where there is a junction of birth (not that GEMS OF JAPONICOA-DOM. which comes from a revered ancestry, education, refined habits and associations, but a sort of anomalous, pre- scriptive birth, that has bought with gold the suffrages of one generation) and fortune, and in that way kill her two birds with one stone. With a logic peculiar to certain class- es, she places gentility within geographical limits, and would most likely take you for a noodle, should you ad- vance that civilization did exist south of Bleecker Street. Entertaining local ideas of this nature, you may perhaps conceive the approbation with which she .expresses herself of Waverly Place, the aspirations she breathes to Union Park, and the positive awe with which she regards Fifth Avenue. We will now lay Mrs. Fustian on the shelf, a position which she dislikes above all others, but one to which she is eventually destined, needles, shears, " goose" and all. If we have occasion to make use of her, she shall be taken down and unrolled, like a bale of mixed goods. It is difficult to crowd such a woman, or her descriptions, into a small space, and I am sorry that my limits will not allow me to continue her description, even if, in doing so, I should be giving (in the elegant phraseology of Mrs. Rensit of the butcher aristocracy) , too much pork for a shilling." I had intended to have postponed the appearance of the medical celebrity to whom I shall now have the pleasure of introducing the reader; but the opportunity of presenting him in connection with the " dust brush," which we have page: 44-45[View Page 44-45] " NEW-YORK ARISTOcA0Y ; OR,' GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 45 just hung up, is so tempting, that I have shifted slightly the order of the play, and shall let him in at a private door. In drawing the peculiarities of this disciple of Galen, I hope the city generally will not accuse me of having reference to each one's family physician. The particular subject I am dealing with, is the private adviser of no stated number of people, but a "family physician," in certain senses of the word, to the whole city, or at least that part of it " above Bleecker." Dr. Magpie, as long as most of us are willing to allow that we-can remember, has been known to be of that harmless age that may be any where between the gap of thirty-five and sixty-five. Indeed so well is he pre- served, that those who are familiar with his standing as a practitioner, conclude that he never could have prescribed for his own ailments. Had he administered to himself the doses of quackery and slanderous gossip that his patients have taken, a prolific source of petty abominations would have oozed out and exhausted themselves a long time ago. If a botanist were called on to make out the doctor's clas- sification, he would, beyond a doubt, place him on the cata- logue of herbal anomalies as a cross between garlic and the cactus-the former being supposed to symbolize the atmos. pheric taint with which his presence infects all persons and places, while the latter with its longevity, its tiers of thorns, its utter uselessness, and a lack of the active principle of evil; completes the similitude. As a public man, I am per- mitted to take a sly glance as he passes in the street, and somehow I voluntarily associate him with the gray-haired prickly exotics which one meets with, displayed in little shiny Britannia-ware pots, on the window-sills of houses in the dark, dismal streets running near the river. I have often thought that the doctor must feel singularly, if he ever indulges in a self-review; and that it must strike him as strange that he is not undergoing a state of gradual phys- ical decomposition. One would think that a half a century of exertions like his, would exhaust vitality to the very toes; that the inner elements of " toil and trouble," which have been so long and so continually seething, would make a porous exit, and be dissipated in " thin air;" but no, like parchment, he seems to become indurated by time. If any body should ever discover perpetual motion, the doctor's body is the very kind of material in which the power might be safely illustrated. In case of sudden casualty (which from some unexplainable cause, seldom befalls such peo- ple), I hope the detor ohas a provisional clause in his will, whereby the anomalous anatomy of his body may be sub- mitted for the scientific inspection of those celebrated carv- ers of cold " witties," Drs. Mott and Stevens. Perhaps, over the body of this " martyred monster," the College of Physicians and Surgeons, and bhe Academy of Medicine, would shake hands, and in view of so noble a sacrifice for the good of the profession, mutually agree to banish the jealousies, the cliques, the discord of the past, and hence- forth strive only for a unity of faith, and the establishment of truth. I hope Dr. Dixon will approve the idea, and if i^F page: 46-47[View Page 46-47] " NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 47 there be occasion, press its importance through the columns of his amusing and instructive journal. The moral charac. ter of Magpie will, likely, be sufficiently understood by the time the chapter is finished ; and as in the case of servants about whom we are a little doubtful, it is better that on par. ticular points nothing at all should be said. By the way, talking about servants, what a consummate valet de chambre our doctor would have made in the days of Charles the 2nd or George the "Magnificent," or in courts as celebrated for their virtuous character. No doubt my readers by this time think that they have found out who I mean, and are only waiting to show the chicken they have hatched. Thus it is ever, that the types of classes are appropriated accord. ing to diversity of human imagination, to the familiar out. lines of some individual sinner. Would you know for what this man has lived, and moved, and had his being? Would you learn his ruling passion, the ambition that has made, and makes him a toiling slave for the world? Hark! as he greets his professional brother in the sick room, ay, in the room perchance, which adjoins the chamber where life's sands are running low, or the hurried colloquy in street meetings, or salutations at balls, at breakfast or in bar-rooms, at church or the opera! The love of gossip is above and before every thing else. The mania for being the first to herald the miseries of others, and to retail and invent such spicy slanders as may add new laurels to the very unenvia- ble reputation he already possesses on that score. This is L his aim, his occupation, his delight; and for this has he tied himself in the unworthy bondage that will last with his life. The doctor very much fancies hotel practice, and when ush- ered by "Boots" to the invalid's apartment, the keen sur- veillance both in ascent and descent, from attic to office, de- clare that he is combining his favorite pursuit with the mis- sion to suffering humanity. Perhaps he will stop for a glance in the public parlor, and one moment of rapid sur- vey will furnish his prurient imagination with stuff suffi- cient to spin a score of infamous slanders. You may meet him any where, and before the shake of hands is fairly over, he will ask you if you have heard that -- is a ruined man, or that Miss -- was seen walking with Mr. - before breakfast, heavily veiled, around the fountain in Union Square, or that "Young America" had run off and married the chamber-maid? So completely is he car- ried away by this muddy current of meddling, that it is by no means unfrequently the case that he will illustrate the fact that there is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous, by perhaps commencing with embellishments on some grand flare-up in-- Place, and wind up wh a sober narrative of the extraordinary adventures of your "grandmother's cat." Shakspeare says:- "For nought upon the earth doth live, But to the earth some special good doth give." But, for the life of me, I am unable to see the wisdom of that dispensation which has saddled society with this page: 48[View Page 48] 48 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, gossiping old maid. Beware of your converse in his pre. sence; regard him as a portable telegraph with brass wires, that is constantly sending off the odds and ends of social tittle-tattle, and so may you be tolerably safe from the venom of a tongue, "That will not spare a friend to spoil a joke." page: Illustration-49[View Page Illustration-49] ,- EZ ....,% r Mr. find Mrs. Musky are convinced that famnily portraits are sometitme0 disagreeably auggestive. - GEIS OF JAPONICA-DI3OM. CHAPTER V. ILicet superbus ambules pecunia, Fortuna non mutat genus. Videsne, sacram metiente te viam Cum vis, ter ulnarurn toga Ut ora vertat huc et huc euntium Liberrima indignatio? Hor.-th lib., 4th oft As I proceed to add to my gallery of illustrious snobs, with here and there an original from the old masters, some idle curiosity perhaps may arise among those most likely to be interested, how these studies were obtained, and whether the artist has painted from life as he has seen it, or only by the descriptions of others, and the aids of private judgment. Alas! I am but " a looker on here in Venice"-too poor in purse and too humble in position to even indulge a hope that I can be admitted among the elect, much less cherish an ambition to that end. I am, however, highly honored in the kindly condescension of two or three gentlemen who have taken their degrees, and firom whom I have received many valuable statistics. Let me take this opportunity to acknowledge my indebtedness to them " for past favors, and beg a continuance of the same." Besides these sources of information, I possess another, of a most unusual and a magical description, that has been handed down for many generations as a precious heirloom. The original family 3 page: 50-51[View Page 50-51] 50 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, possessor, I am candid enough to avow, was neither hung nor transported ;-facts that I fear will destroy his chances for posthumous sympathies with the great unwashed, who very properly have a just scorn for any rascally aristocrat whose grandfather died in his bed. * * * This gift is neither more nor less than a most admirably constructed "Orrery," which, instead of being used for astronomical studies, I make subservient in. my fourth-story pigeon-hole, to the display of sublunary constellations, and the compli- cated movements of the whole social system. I never write without it is by me, where I can appeal to its truthful teachings, and regard it as a faithful friend and instructor, and an unfailing source of amusement. When I hear of, or meet with one of the worms of an hour, my globous monitor shows me unerringly the hole it occupied, and the intelligence thus obtained has often sur- prised my good friend 0O , a son of one of our most distinguished judges. O is a quiet, shrewd gentle- man, exceedingly agreeable to his immediate friends, but with a remarkable penchant for things of the "ancient regime," which is little calculated to make him popular with the world. Possessing a singular tenacity of memory he is enabled to embellish his conversation with most dis agreeable reminiscences, and being prone to a biting style of colloquy, it is somewhat amusing to watch the effect of his stories amongst a promiscuous company-hitting out right and left, yet, with such apparent innocence, that nobody seems inclined to seek a subject of quarrel. With his gen- GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. - erous assistance, I have been able to unravel some knotty points indeed. The geography of Manhattan is to him like the A B C, and he tells me who once lived here, who died there, what districts were formerly somebody's farms, who drove four-in-hand and who rode in milk carts, who mended breeches or made barrels, who slaughtered cattle, or did a small business in thread and needles, who peddled skins, or shaved chins, who were on the box and who were cabin- boys, who were head carpenters, and who invested in hells, who were in the glittering tin trade, and who umbrellas framed, --"Curs of low degree, Jew and Gentile bond and free." These are a few of the trades, and but a few. Having no tradesman's dictionary for reference, I am obliged to be satisfied with a limited range. ;: Of course there are those about whom nothing is known, and probably never will be, which perhaps is quite as well. In all societies, and more especially large cities, is found a secretion of adventurers, whose appearance is as little to be accounted for, as any of the other phenomena of nature. They always exist in the purlieus of fashionable civilization, swelling the vampire crowd attracted by the "golden calf," as buzzards swarm in the horizon when a poor wretch is turning to carrion on the highway. But what have we to do with such paltry swindlers, when gigantic impostors are calling us with pom- pous effrontery to view their brazen idols? Draw that shutter half to-the light is too strong; now page: 52-53[View Page 52-53] 52 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR0 pull down the shade a trifle; there, what an agreeable and subdued tone is communicated' to Mrs. Muusky's picture. Indeed, I am half sorry she isn't here to see the tasteful disposition herself. There is no one who likes to appear in a becoming light more than she does, and if practice makes perfect, she ought to be an adept at the toilet. What a pity, though, when she so often studies her glass, that she so seldom holds the " mirror up to nature." Yet we can- not refrain from admiring her as a specimen of art, as one who understands the value of cotton and cosmetics, and who displays in her own person the science of millinery, and all those nameless delusions and innocent trickeries that belong to female ingenuity. But then she uses her knowledge as she should, rightly understanding that the greatest artist is he who in managing his subject, though accepting the assist- ance of Art, yet so skilfully conceals it as to produce what is most in accordance with Nature. Mrs. M. has been tho- roughly educated to her favorite system. No pains or ex- pense have been spared in giving her finished instruction. Early impressed with the importance of rendering her per- son as acceptable as possible, she has long regarded affaiys of this nature, not only as a conventional requirement, but as a positive duty. Commencing with such principles, and with her full share of that innate vanity, which is confined to neither sex, it is not to be wondered at that she should be engrossed in those pursuits which formed her earliest ambi- tion, and are now the absorbing subject of thought and conversation, the distraction of her time, and the sum total GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 53 of her happiness. A habit thus early formed, and religious- ly abided by, like all habits that jump with inclination, has i grown to a controlling passion. It has encircled her with resistless influences, enslaved her with strong prejudices, ! and exacts ministrations as imperious as the physical neces- sities of our nature. While yet in short dresses she was articled to masters and mistresses, who might force by hot- bed process to fearful precocity these fruits, the seeds of which, were they left to Nature's kindly development, would have expanded to healthful maturity, bringing forth a hun- dred fold. But, alas! for this human horticulture, the gar- den may smile awhile with the blush of roses, and the vio- lets eclipse the gold and purple of Solomon, still seek we vainly the former's fragrance, and mourn thatthe latter have lost their modesty. Fie ont! O fie! 'tis an inweeded garden That grows to seed ;------- -" Although roses are supposed to "smell as sweet under any other name," there is no reason to infer that any inter- est or sympathy can be expected for people who appear in print without a pedigree. It would be like giving a check without the signature, or paying one's fare and forgetting the ticket-since the check would be worth nothing, and without the ticket you couldn't come aboard. So I will fill you up a check, with Mrs. Musky's sign manual, for which you will please give her a ticket, and let her come aboard. Without her heraldic registry, dear reader, I know page: 54-55[View Page 54-55] 54 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, she would be to you a wretched nondescript-that like Sir Charles Coldstream, after a laborious ascent to look into the volcano's crater, you would find " nothing in it," besides it being " d-- fatiguing." Worse than all, how should I meet that lady after so unpardonable a neglect. She would (and very properly) drop this work in disgust to find that in a history professing to be faithful, the inmates of her family had been slighted. And this is the apology, if one is needed (which I don't think is the case), why I have taken great pains to satisfy 'the wishes of the OLD families, by being very particular and ample in describing ancient associations, romantic traditions, and professions, coats of arms, devices, mottoes, and whatever else is worthy of special note. In this I am actuated by a kind motive to give all possible pub- licity to whatever is calculated to afford increased dignity and importance, and am candid to say, that for such dis- interested benefits I am entitled to their everlasting grati- tude. Probably Debrett has made one of those unpardonable omissions, which the most accurate writers are sometimes guilty of, or else I have an imperfect edition, for nowhere in the Peerage is mention made of the name or armorial bearings of the Musky family. Better people to be sure have been obliged to be satisfied with the extraction assigned them by publications of a more recent date, but it was wan- ton cruelty (if done purposely) to have withheld from a family, who, in their own estimation at least, are the cream of the " uppers," the coveted honors of an ancient deriva- GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 55 tion. Unfortunately for the glories of our race, the duties of the historian are inexorable. Were it not for their odious trick of fidelity, how easy to cover our names with unfading glories, and bind our brows with perennial chaplets. But, my dear Mrs. M., reconcile yourself to these trials, and say as did your lamented progenitor, when he upset his can, " there is no use in crying over spilt milk ;" and since Debrett has given you the slip, I will lend you the benefit of a charitable imagination. Careful calculations have un- folded me your horoscope, and henceforth, thanks to the aid of the occult sciences, your natal star shall shine lustrously amid the constellations that form the "milky way." If the derivation appear somewhat apocryphal, the same may be said of pagan gods, "Whom Tasso wept, and Homer sung;" and the next best thing to truth being poetry, we conclude by analogism that there may be subjects about which there is "more truth than poetry." Shades of our fathers! what would the world exclaim, if the spirits of departed butter milk should revisit the scenes of their earthly prilgrimage Think of the consternation of an irruption on the avenue by the clabbered souls of whey-faced ghosts, with spectra carts and fearful sounds of clanking cannikins! Ye recipient of dollars from ancestral dairies, let gratitude inspire modes ty, nor by disdain of paternal honors, draw down the hatred of vengeful Penates. Let us leave figures and descend to prose. Mrs. M., E page: 56-57[View Page 56-57] 56 sNEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, a maiden, was necessitated to allow to her fathers a very diluted share of renown. Her venerated progenitor had as little ambition to alter the prospects of his family as he had to change his paying customers, to whom he furnished daily supplies of milk, lactean treasures from the herd pas- tured on his own farm. Shrewd and enterprising, he bought in districts where he knew the tide of prosperity would deposit its golden drifts; it might not be in his day or generation, but sticking his stakes and pitching his tent, he calmly waited the issue of his venture. The realizations came sooner than he ex- pected, and ere he was called to his fathers the unexampled rise in city property gave him the plentiful harvest of his speculations. Some may imagine that the honors of re- spectable citizenship would be all that his descendants might desire; but it was very different. With the means came the desire to banish the heritage of skim milk, and to adopt the wise plan of buttering the bread on both sides. The snake was only " scotched, not killed," and after due de- liberation, it was thought best to join fortunes with one whose wealth should be the first consideration, and whose rawness would render subjection easy. The family ballot was unanimous in selecting Milly (Mrs. M.'s maiden name) to this arduous post. Besides a natural aptitude to the cha- racter of a flirting financier, this young lady was supposed to unite in her person a species of artificial beauty, with the most consummate knowledge of female legerdemain. I may think it worth while, before I have finished this exhi- GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. bition, to relate a few facts in evidence of her " tour de force." The poor gentleman who thlus became the object of this family conspiracy was as perfect a "Simon Pure," as one would wish to get hlold of, to victimize easily. Brought up in studied seclusion from woman and her ways, and de- prived of. even such wisdom as may be picked up among men of the world, what could be expected of him, when encompassed by the wiles of a designing siren? Who was there to tell himn that hle mi:ght fall, as many more as- tute than him, in gaping man-traps, or whsper him, beware of cunningly contrived gins? Where were his "good-na- tured" friends when these perils were imnminent? I fear, under such circumstances, men have no friends. Itis strange that there are such inconsistencies on this point. You will find those very-persons who would give their last copper to a destitute friend, or wade through fire to shield hinm from danger, yet unmovedly watch the same, when threatened with a calamity which is perpetual-see him, without a warning word, bound to a life of troubles-to a condition, ' The bloom or blight of all men's happiness." As the passion of love is probably the greatest enigma in the world, so are the actions of men in reference to it the most unexplainable. ---- "' Curious fool be still:- Is human love the growth of human will?' page: 58-59[View Page 58-59] 58 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR0 CHAPTER VI. Obsequio grassare: mone, si increbuit aura, Cautus uti velet carurn caput: extrahe turba, Oppositis humeris: aurem substringe loquaol. [Hor. Sat., lib. 2, 5th. * * * %r * * * Stultus quando videt quod pulchra puellula ridet, Turn fatuous credit ae quod amrare velit. [Ovid. OUR last chapter closed upon poor Simon Musky, amid the machinations of female Philistines. We were en- deavoring to show how small a chance his simplicity would stand when brought to cope with the polished sophistry of the Brindles, and that generalissimo Milly at the head. How could the verdant Mars long hold out against the stratagems of this wily Venus. Is it worth while to follow the wan- derings of this bleating innocent, till we behold him at the sacrificial altar? Shall we relate how the serpent's glitter brought its victim within the fatal coil? But should we strive to do these, 'twould be labor half performed. For with all our own and the experience of others, with what may be learned from the pages of necromancy, yet cannot we penetrate within that innermost sanctuary of the wo- man's heart. In some little chamber there, she keeps her arsenal of love. Are there those who have seen the wea- pons of that armory exhausted? Perhaps it might not be uninteresting to let my readers know how Simon was first GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 59 lassoed; how from being a free vagrant bachelor, he was i tethered with an unseen leash. It having been decided I among the Brindles that Mr. Musky was an eligible gen- tieman, by reason of large hereditaments in muskrat and beaver skin, and it being moreover notorious that lie, from peculiar timidity of temperament, was a person that must receive, not make an offdr, it was thought ex- pedient to patiently await the arrival of the bathing season at Newport, at which place Mr. Cringy reported that the "fur man would make his appearance." Let me point you out Mr. Cringy. Unless you particularly desire it, I'd rather not oblige you, by personal introduction, to shake a hand that has done some dirty work in its day. There he goes, with his hat on one side, and a cigar in his mouth as bad as himself. You can see he is hired; it sticks out all over him: glitters in his buttons; jingles in his breloque, and impregnates the air about him as strongly as the abominable perfumes with which he strives to drown his own miasma.-lHow useful he makes himself; how he plays hypocrite at the clubs; how he slavered poor Simon, who became much astonished and affected at the sudden interest he had created; how he found out whether he should carry his tiger and team; how he discovers his vul- nerable spots; and how dexterously he pays out the line. Who blames him? he's paid for it;-such things have been and must be done, and why not he as well as another? Besides, some of the Brindle ladies are rather " passe," and still on the carpet, and the reward of faded, though well gilt page: 60-61[View Page 60-61] 60 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; ORE charms, has been a tempting bait to be the faithful dog. You see, reader, where Cringy stands, and how important a catspaw his hand will be, in extracting the hot chestnuts from Musky's oven. Give me your arm, we will take a short turn on the piazza at the Ocean House. The Brindles and their baggage have arrived; I think we shall spy them cliqueing in some corner. Ali! there they are in studied attitudes, opposite that everlasting Fustian, who is still at work with her fan, and her head flopping as of old under an immense bunch of feathers. How cool and collected on yonder divan reclines Mrs. La- vender, as with a "Dudu" languish of her dark eye, and lavish display of ivory, she entertains five devoted admirers, each of whom is secretly convinced that he is the person who really occupies that lady's heart. But though Ars. Lavender seems never a bit to notice the ladies, she is rev- elling in the consciousness of the venom with which old Fustian and the Brindles regard her. But of Mrs. L. anon. Don't you think Milly has something in view? She looks unusually sharp, and has a great deal of blood up in her face. Can it be possible that she is laying her toils for the verdant Simon? she evidently expects somebody. You can always tell when something great is to be done by the extra yards of Valenciennes that adorn her person. Look at the whole "ensemble" of the woman, you who pride yourself on toilets. Did you ever see any thing like it-the faultless contour of the bust (strange that she should hide so much beauty in a high neck dress), the exquisite assort- GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 61 ment of colors, the snowiness of the linen, the scientific balance of the skirts, the beautiful gauging at the waist, the skilful manner in which a naturally very red arm has been blanched with diamond paste? By her selection of jewelry, which she wears in profusion, you may perceive that she has the good taste to keep her diamonds for gas light. I like to look at such a subject of condensed art; it is in- structive in its way, showing the proficiency which may be attained in personal adornment. When Milly retires for the night, she will, although it is in the depth of summer, hang a very handsome figure over the chair. Young man, you who suffer so much from the maddening symmetry of the figures that glide by you, producing a thrill, when you hear of cotton in Wall-street, think of it also in Waverly Place. When I mention Waverly Place, I do not mean to intimate that the great staple of America is confined to that fashionable quarter, any more than to Fifth Avenue or Union Square. If the truth were known, I have no doubt but that a handsome speculation might be made in purchasing by the gross, seven-tenths of the grand wardrobes in the city. If we could but bribe the milliners out of professional secrecy, hlow many of the plump forms that have plagued us, would become temptationless, and the score of ball-room and street Venuses which so long have troubled our dreams and our nerves, be reduced to a state of angular innocence? Let me suggest to Dr. Magpie, that he might employ his talents to some purpose in getting up a work entitled page: 62-63[View Page 62-63] 62 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, "Confessions of the New-York Milliners," with illustrations from life. A thing of this kind would suit the Doctor's talents, and, as for the book selling, I'll engage to obtain subscriptions at the clubs alone enough to meet first cost. As assistant editor, I might respectfully nominate "Billy Bop," a kind of social evergreen, whose usefulness and harmless antics have served to amuse him and purchase the toleration of society for a period that quite antedates the recollection of the "oldest inhabitant"-"Mais revenons a nos moutons." As you may see, although Milly still keeps her corner and is amazingly prink'ed up, yet she is evidently expectant of the arrival of big game, for she is prepared with more than ordinary care. She can afford to wait, but it is not for long. Her eye lights up as she perceives Cringy making his way very leisurely along the promenade. Cringy has hooked his trout-on his arm leans the unsus- pecting Simon, as modest as a turtle; his head every now and then retreating in its shell, in alarm at the strange sights that crowd upon him. It is not often that one can see a more uncomfortable looking individual than he is. It is a strange land, and strange beings he has got amongst: to him every thing is new-atmosphere, talk, man- ners, people and all. There is no question but that-with all his new clothes, bright boots, and fearfully starched shirt collars, that are sawing off slowly a pair of red-hot ears-he is a most unhappy young man, requiring all the address and badinage of Cringy to keep him from bolting out dead, and forswearing the world forever. Oh! the horrors of that GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 63 first gauntlet! an Indian ambush is nothing to it.- After passing and repassing once or twice, Cringy, who has re- ceived a telegra*, begs that Simon will excuse him but for one moment; and in a moment returns. In the course of the evening, when the young men have retired to the bar-room, to blend the pleasures of the day with the soothing influences of a cigar and "'night-cap," Simon is confidentially informed that his appearance has produced considerable sensation in a certain quarter; that a certain young lady had pronounced him bien distingue, with other flattering remarks, which if Simon hadn't-like a great many others-been an egregrious young fool, who al- lowed himself to be deceived by his imagination instead of believing his glass, he would have known were nothing more than polite lies. In addition to this grateful news, Cringy proposes an introduction, adding a few remarks that almost take away 'the breath of our modest tyro, who, between fear and anticipatory ecstacy, gasps out a half reluctant assent. You needn't smile so grandly, my worldling. There was a time when the vision of an ankle or the rustle of a silk frock put up your pulse to a beat of twenty faster in the minute. We have all had our day in this respect. Had Simon known at that time what an easy thing it was for a man of his credit, as possessor of unknown wKealth in musk- rat and raccoon skins, very probably, instead of lying awake at night thinking about what he was going to do, when the time came, he would have crossed his legs and cautiously page: 64-65[View Page 64-65] " NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; ORl waited the attack. Oh! the verdancy of youth! Simon thinks of his with a twinge like that of the gout. At a proper time Musky is formally introduced to the Brindles, and under the seductive tutelage of Milly, he is made to feel quite comfortable. Of course Milly knows his weak point when she speaks of his horses-says they are such dear, sweet creatures, and look so very gentle that she really thinks she might drive them; wouldn't Mr. Musky let her drive them as far as the beach, just to see? And isn't he delighted to beg of the young lady to regard them as her own, as long as they shall be under the same roof? Milly doesn't approve of driving out with young gentlemen, as a general thing; but then this is different-every body knows Mr. M.-HE is SUCH a gentleman, there can be no harm in being seen with him c How many modes, dear ladies, are there to flatter, in- dependently of verbal compliment? Cringy being duly instructed takes occasion, after feeling if he has a good firm bite at the hook, to pull on his line very decidedly. He tells Simon with great solemnity that his attentions have be- come a subject of general remark, and that the young lady's family are, of course, aware of his intentions! (may Cringy be forgiven for the lie,) and that, as a gentleman, his ad- dresses, in seriatim, at an early period will be expected, and (so far as he can judge of the manner in which Mr. M. has been entertained by the young lady and her family) not im- probably favorably received. If Cringy hadn't been a bronzed diplomatist, and one never to be surprised, the ap- t te GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 65 pearance of poor Simon, after the intelligence thus commu- licated, would have been somewhat alarming. Intentions? what intentions had he, save to give himself up to the ab- sorbing ravishment of his senses' first lesson-to indulge in delicious reveries now first opened to his nature. What thoughts had he of matrimony in connection with the sub- ject, that but for a few days had engrossed his being, in fact, the discovery of a new sense. It was no more love, than is cold water the power that wings the locomotive with lightning. "'Twas passing strange," a dreamy be- wilderment, and that was all he knew about it. Cringy, however, informs him that this is love, and as in our ignor- ance we accept such interpretations of hieroglyphics as we can get, so he must perforce believe this elucidation of what was most vague and dim. He was entirely innocent of any disposition to marry this piece of art-it had never entered his head to marry anybody-but then he stood committed (and his dear friend's judgment on such matters was infal- lible) in this affair; he must do as he supposed others had done. The perceptions of his nature sufficiently indicated, that amongst humanity there was a tendency to the love of woman, and that is about the amount of all the philosophy he possessed, when he concluded to submit to a condition, which, above all others, to be tolerable, should be entered upon only with an entire and clear understanding of its char- acter and obligations. If you could get Simon to speak on so sore a subject, now that he is a married man, he would tell you that so far as his experience goes, there is nothing page: 66-67[View Page 66-67] " NEW-YORK ARISTOORACY; OR, like matrimony to bring one to the realities of life-that his wife, though a reality, and a painful one too-is morally and physically no more like the " made dish" that tempted his virgin appetite at Newport, that fatal summer, than is his appreciation now as it was then. Simon's mind has been enlightened upon more subjects than that of marriage; more than once has he been called to a knowledge of certain prior predilections of his wife, and of a kind not calculated to add to his felicity. His only consolation (it strikes me as rather a poor one) is in the fact, that there are hundreds of others in the same bout. His wounded spirit, more than ever, finds ail asylum from mortifying reflections in the congenial atmosphere of his stable; and on occasions of more than ordinary bitterness, he obtains substantial relief in the trotters that whisk him over the Bloomingdale inside of three minutes. Simon wishes from the bottom of his heart that his ancestors had never made a good thing in muskrat. Mrs. M. is as happy as a toweringly ambitious woman can be. She hates Mrs. Lavender more cordially than ever, because Mrs. Lavender lives on Union Square, and has those attractions (which she has not) that bring around her the butterfly beaux. She has her box at the Opera, her carriage and servants ; but Mrs. Lavender has them too. She has tact, some clever- ness, and more bitterness, and artificial looks; but Mrs. L. is really a- natural beauty, while in manner, conversational talent, and burning satire, she eclipses her altogether. Why Mrs. Musky should entertain such venom for this represen- GEMS OF JAPONIOA-DOM. 67 tative of "par" value, is a little strange, to say the least. As to their extraction, one is just about as good as the other-both plain, but respectable (the latter adjective, I will observe in passing, is 'a word which, with nine-tenths of the world, is applied to all people but actual convicts), or sufficiently so, to have made a little kindred sympathy look much more proper than the starched fooleries with which they now meet each other. As to the amount of pity that ought to be expended by the world when viewing this alliance of skim milk and musk- rat, I think the balance should be in favor of the masculine gender-though they are both necessarily miserable. As for Simon, he was "more sinned against than sinning," the unhappy dupe of his own verdancy, and the contemptible artifices with which Cringy and the elder members of the lady's family ensnared him; while Milly's conduct, though somewhat palliated by our knowledge of the heartless hy- pocrisy to which she was educated by those whose influ- ences, to a great extent, formed her, and who are the ones really most to be censured, yet, for lending herself to so selfish a perversion of her woman] nature and instincts, we refuse to extend, as we otherwise might, commiseration for the unhappiness brought upon herself, by early blasting the blossoms of perhaps the only fruits that would not have turned to ashes in the mouth." Our own parting advice to the Mullcows is, that they shall not entirely repudiate the respectble sources by which they inherit the means that has elevated them. While money lasts they may be- page: 68[View Page 68] 68 NEW-YORK ARISTOORAOY; OR, come oblivious to the doleful shriek which announces the daily supply, or by extravagance in the aromas of "Lubin," overwhelm the fragrance of " muskrat ;" but a day of ad., versity may come, in view of which, they should make timely propitiations to the gods that befriended their ances. tors. As for Cringy, the "faithful dog," virtue has met its reward, and he has got the faded daughter. "You can't get blood from a turnip ;" ergo, it is not surprising that Cringy's vulgarity is hopeless from its unmitigated charac. ter, and the respected reader may still see him unchanged, except in a more alarming display of brass buttons, or dis. pensing a stronger odor of bad cigars. page: Illustration-73[View Page Illustration-73] /s - - - Crook and Rensit encountering Miss MeTab, gallanted by Dr. Magpie; the jealousy of the former is aroused. / , . GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. :hr p 73 CHAPTER VII. "Parturiunt montes, nascetur ridiculus mus." Horace-Art of Poetry. Line 139. "E'en thus, one marks thee shift thy sex and shape, All things by turns, but every turn an arc." The Vision of Rubeta--Canto 4th-line 864. IF the reader will brush up his memory, he may possi- bly recollect in one of the foregoing chapters, an allusion to a certain gentleman, rejoicing under the title of Galey Crook, who was supposed to be a species of human ever- green. As this individual is famous in his way, and decid- edly familiar to every body, and as he moreover represents one of the blank pages in the book of New York society, it may not be altogether amiss to give his (I was about to say character, but my conscience smote me) outlines somewhat "in extensio." The fidelity of the cut, with which the title, page is ornamented, is sufficiently graphic and refreshing to render unnecessary a more minute account of his personal attractions; though it is a little likely that a description of his talk, manner and mode of life, may suggest a point or two in his picture, that will be of assistance, at any rate, to those who are strangers to the original. It is seldom that we are crossed in our path by those who have no apparent object in existence; many undoubtedly spend their time in pursuits 4 page: 74-75[View Page 74-75] 74 NEW-YORK ARISTOORAOY; OR, condemned by the world, and as the world, for some cause yet unexplained, is allowed to assume a prescriptive jurisdic. tion over the business of individuals, we are obliged, incon. venient and disagreeable as it may be, to yield to its decis- ions a certain portion of respect. Now and then we may witness, with a smile of pity or contempt, the useless strug. gles of the visionist, or self-appointed genius, or perhaps weep at the spectacle of misdirected energies, and yet con- ceive the whole to be the result of circumstances; but the picture of a human being, acting as it were, without a mo- tive, living without an object, and dying almost without a reflection, is something so irreconcilable with all established notions, that we pause before it, involuntarily, as an anoma. ly of the first water. To such a class belongs the subject of our present remarks, and if there are any who may have a curiosity to examine a singular specimen of the " genus hbo mo," and will forward their address, I will endeavor to put them in the way of being gratified. There will be little difficulty in recognizing your man, for he is " one in a thousand," among ten thousand. Always the same, whether in Broadway, at Church, or the Opera, to be once seen is to make himself never-to-be-forgotten. Walking or talking, dancing or singing, eating or drinking, sleeping or waking, before breakfast or after tea, at midday or midnight, 'Jocko" sticks out everywhere, and is quite as evident as if seen with collar and chain, behind the bars of a portable cage in an itinerant menagerie. "The same to-day, yesterday, and for- ever," he symbolizes as much as a monkey can the attri. 'A GEMS OF JAPONICA.-DOM. X5 bates of the greatest of all things. 'With no ostensible means of livelihood, he flourishes like a "green bay tree," and that remorseless bore, old father Time, passes him with scarcely a nod of recognition. He was never known to be either young or old, or anything else that I know of. Thus far physiologists have striven in vain to assign him a classifi- cation; there is no data to go by, and his longevity is as much of a problem as that of the illustrious Joyce Heth's, and his condition more of a puzzle than that duplicate myste- ry presented by the Siamese Twins. Professor Agassiz has arrived very opportunely, and it is expected that he will be shortly solicited to lecture at the Tabernacle on the gen- eral geological phenomena of this human fossil. All per- sons who think of attending, are requested to fit themselves by a preparatory course of study. A careful perusal of the "Vestiges of Creation," would make a good commence- ment; while, as a finisher, we would earnestly recommend a pious and profound speculation upon the probable analogy existing between the toad that is ousted by the 'powder-blast from a snooze of a thousand centuries in his granite bed, and the frog that is sojourning temporarily in the human thorax. Immediately after this lecture, Dandy Cox has volunteered to mount a rum-barrel on the Five Points, and edify the assembled multitude with essays from i"Barker's Journal," in which the relative dignity of doggrel and dirty faces, of drama and divinity, will be satisfactorily explained. At the conclusion of the recitation, the literary critic of that paper will carry round a hat in one hand and ,a subscription list page: 76-77[View Page 76-77] T6 lN'EW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, in the other, when it is to be hoped that charitable people, fo will put a penny in the one and their name on the other. Three barrels especially reserved for Horace Greeley, Wen. dall Phillips, and Lloyd Garrison. Abolitionists, generally, bringing with them wenches weighing' over two hundred, will be allowed one hogshead each, with exclusive use of the bung hole thereof. No postponement on account of weather. In case of great heat, no bad consequences need be apprehended from the development of certain proper. ties natural to a motlev multitude, as the committee of "ways and means" will provide such disinfectants as the occasion may require. The moral and physical organization of Mr. Galey is a wonderfully happy one. He is probably as happy a per- son as resides within the city limits. The " pursuit of hap. piness," which it is said most men are addicted to, is some. thing our friend never engages in, for happiness seems to go in pursuit of him; and what is more, finds him and abides by him, with very few exceptions, on all occasions. He is so delighted with everything about his path of life that one might suppose the world to have had no other occupation for the last thirty years, but to contrive means to minister to his individual happiness. As long as there is a shilling in his pocket, soap for a shave, and a shirt for his back, the am- bition of this true philosopher is satisfied. Diogenes with his tub, thought he was doing things with very commenda- ble humility, but he was all wrong, if the proverb be right that "every tub should stand on its own bottom." The GE MS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 7 Mountains of Galey's pieasure are unfailing in their sup- ply and freshness, and the muddy currents, which rise in most every one's river of life, never darken the waters of his. A bright daiy, a cheap dinner, or an expression of a lady which every one save himself understands as, irony of the plainest kind, will give him an ecstacy and pride felt only by the youthful biddy, when cackling with material tenderness over her first incubation. Probably there l\as not been a large entertainment for the last half century that he has not attended, and in the greater number been bottle washer of some sort, and yet his invitations are received with the same unblase pleasure, and answered with as much alacrity as they would 'be by the catechumen of sixteen. The truth is, that the benevolent Providence which is sup- posed to number the hairs (I wonder if the grey ones are included) of our heads, taking pity on such total intellectual vacuity, has generally substituted an exquisite organic sus- ceptibility, whereby this modern Socrates, ,--------by Nature's kindly law, Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a straw,"' may transcribe light pleasures, that float upon the breeze, as the polished plate of a daguerreotype arrests upon its vital surface the smallest passing atom. One would naturally think that a person who had, season after season, encountered the vicissitudes of our winter campaign, and kept pace with its abominably late hours, would show the usual signs of such hard service; but our hero is invulnerable as Achilles, and page: 78-79[View Page 78-79] 78 NEW-YORK ARISTOCACYR ; OR, like that distinguished gentleman, must have been early pia dipped in some preservative pickle, that has rendered him stil proof against the combined influences of lobster suppers and big heated rooms. I question very much whether he ever suf. rou fered from the nightmare, even after the fearful havoc he tol generally makes amongst pate de foie gras and boned turkey. wo He will wind up his repast by drinking a bumper of every in liquor he can lay his hand on, stop at the hotel on his way bet home, and drink brandy and water, and smoke strong cigars, ad infinitum, and come out from his straw next morning with at a clear eye and a face as radiant with health as if he had req taken a stretch of twelve hours on spring-water and Boston crackers. In fact, if you were in tropical climates, you wit wouldn't be at all surprised in early morning walks to see himm as in half a dozen different trees, jumping from limb to limb, with a cocoanut in his claw. He ought to be kept on pur. in r pose for dyspeptic people to look at. An ostrich would m envy him as much as ie would emulate an oyster. As may be imagined, the instinct that guides so curious a lad rmachine, must be a very funny thing indeed. A stranger meeting him in Broadway, and seeing him tacking in lis u slippery way through the crowd, and going through the as contortions of a half flayed eel, would not probably be greatly the surprised to see him dart cut with a hop, skip, and jump, ge and climb a liberty pole. For the same reason, when he lk makes his appearance in a room (especially if there be ladies th present), it is a matter of extreme uncertainty whether he N will make a dive at the coal scuttle, or leap on top of the jus GEMS OF JAPONIOA-DOM. 79 mo. When he has taken his seat, his operations become "more curious and exciting, opening and shutting, like a o. jack-knife, till his nose is fairly flattened against the front ands of his chair between his legs, and you are expecting hear him close completely with a tremendous snap. You tuld hardly think such a creature as this capable of falling love: such is the case, nevertheless; and, what is still tter, he thinks there are those who are suffering in the me way for him. He is quite as indispensable as Brown, parties, and, as the office of manager of a modern ball quires about the same amount of genius as it does to be a dlumb waiter," Mr. Crook is, of course, in constant demand th ladies of all ages. Happily for him, he likes it just well with one as the other, and, from the enthusiasm ma- ested on such occasions, he can be supposed to be engaged nothing of less parallel importance than that of consum- Lting the treaty at Ghent, or, at any rate, of settling the mnpromise question. Somehow or other, as regards the lies, he manages to get just so far, and no farther. It is ry well understood amongst them, that, excepting the accountableness with which strangers must regard such an sociation, no serious gossiping can be manufactured from eir intimacy with onewhose peculiar harmlessness is so nerally known and acknowledged, that they are as little ely to lose caste as they would be if constantly seen with eir grandmothers. In truth, we might spepulate much der of the truth, than by supposing him destined to fill st the sphere he does. In pretty much all places, I believe, page: 80-81[View Page 80-81] 80 NEWN-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, there may be found one or more fixtures of this character, that would be missed, much in the manner that a lamp would, if taken away from a corner of the street. In case of a conflagration, if the alarm bell was not sounded, people would be astonished, and so they would, perhaps, and somewhat in the same way, if Mr. Crook should absent him. self from the soiree, without tendering a valid excuse. I suppose there are fifty 1 dies, at the very least, within the confines of our city proper, whom he sincerely believes to be dragging out a wretched existence on his account-vic- tims of an unrequited love!! Think of 'that, ladies, and remember that you, too, any of you, may figure as subjects in this unhappy category. How acutely, particularly will M1liss * * * * * *, of B-- street, feel the force of these remarks, and how despairingly will her anguish be renewed. There was Miss McTab, of -- Place, who was either made unhappy by him, or made him unhappy; it is not quite certain which it was. This lady is a blonde spinster, with charms to make anybody's heart quake; and on whose account my poor evergreen got himself into a very bad way. This was among the very few instances in whch it threatened to be a serious affair. As a general thing, it is sufficient for a lady to give a gentle smirk, to produce the desired effect. He has never been able to keep himself from mistaking the affectionate cordiality adopted in the manner of a lady about to ask a favor, for indications of an entirely different character; and it is quite enough for a lady to avail herself of his umbrella on a rainy Sunday, to keep GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 81 binm squirm!ng and swelling for a week, like a frog that finds himself smuggled from the cold spring to the seething cauldron. This very gentleman, whom you could almost touch off at any minute of the day, with the cigar, behind which he looks so happy, will try to make you believe that lhe is very unexcitable-a callous " individual"-a pattern of phlegm and immobility; and yet, it is credibly asserted: that, on certain occasions, under the excitement of the mo- ment, he has gone down, before a parlor full, on his marrow bones. With all the negative qualities, thus far evoked from the character of Mr. Crook, we have mingled more of pity than contempt; but the rigid truth constrains us to confess that from one point of view, he looks confounded bad. I allude to him in the character of a rival-when he conceives any one to be standing in his light, with respect to his lady love, pro tern. On such occasions, (alas! for poor human na- ture,) he shows himself " more of a knave than a fool," thereby reversing the picture he usually presents. Under the circumstances he feels permitted to volunteer, unsolicit- ed, a narrative of all he can pick up and invent relating to the gentleman's habits, connections, means, &c., or at any rate, such of them as he thinks will be the means of effec- tually disparaging his character; and, to make the thing sure, (that I should be obliged to say it,) eke it out with falsehood. They say he came very near spoiling Mr. 's chance with the Rumkees, and that he also like to have been substituted by Mr. Pindleklin for the Sphinx'5 4* page: 82-83[View Page 82-83] 82 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, Head. There was Mr. Linkinpop, of the Charter Oak, or Connecticut aristocracy, notorious for his extreme modesty and reserve, who being a sufferer similarly with Miss Bed. luhim, of Park, was on the point of breaking out with a horse-whip, had not Charley Menshun (who is a bit of a wag, and a wit,) diverted his "wrath and cabbage," by say- ing that such an act would render him liable, under the statute of "cruelty to animals." There are many other points in the character of this strange combination, I should wish that my readers might see and study-many which I think would serve to illustrate still more strongly his failings and follies ; but enough, I think, has been related to show that a man may live on and deceive himself all his life, and yet think that he is living to some purpose withal, if people at times should smile, between sorrow and destitution at one who, "-s-- --like an angry ape, Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven, As makes the angels weep." I shall not intrude, upon the conclusion of this subject, any very lengthy description of the family tree of Galey Crook. Suffice it that he is what I call second in hand low, or, in other words, a remove of only one or two generations from a respectable old gentleman bearing his name, who was to be seen of the fine afternoons in summer in a retired country village, mending breeches, with great industry and show of genius. The poets and philosophers will now and then say a true thing. Young, in that very cheerful pro- duction entitled {"Night Thoughts," has recorded an opinion GEMAS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 83 that must be very consoling to the majority of mankind; it reads as follows: "Men may live fools, but fools they cannot die." As an appropriate companion of this very useful member of society, from whose further description the limits of these pages will oblige me to desist, I beg leave respectfully to introduce for public inspection, a choice specimen of an animal of the same genus, and whom slight mention has been made of under the name of Billy iRensit. For giving two doses in succession, I expect no thanks; on the con- trary, am willing to suffer a little abuse. When, however, an unpleasant thing is to be done, it is the wisest plan to do it at once, and get through as soon as may be, (a valuable suggestion, which it is probable most of my readers think it had been better if I had acted on in this very work) there- fore, in discussing the merits of this remaining unit of the "Duo Foscari," I shall strive that brevity may be the soul of wit. A lovely twain they make, as may be seen by the cut that accompanies this chapter--" par nobile fratrum," a liberal rendering of which, under its present application, would be-a pair of Billy-Goats. The illustrious Rensit is a s eet savored scion of the sugar baking aristocracy on the o e side, while from the maternal tree he inherits the honors that belonged to a retail vender of thread and needles, It is immaterial as to whether his wealth (without which he would have been, as hetought now to be-a name. less ninkompoop,) was the derivative of sugar-cane, or of page: 84-85[View Page 84-85] 84 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, small profits in tape and needles-nor does it matter why or kr how so slimy a reptile has been allowed to warm his grovel. dr ling instincts in the sun of decent patronage-nor yet that in people are found, so lost to all sense of self-respect, as to th bring their offerings to the Golden Calf-but it is astonish- He ing, and as an indication of the pitch to which society has b got in certain matters, worthy of note, that an abortion of al bullion with more brass than brains, and more malice and mendicity than manhood, should pass till now " unwhipt of justice." Is there sucl ha premium on vice that there are none bold enough to lash its votaries "naked through thea world?" Or has virtue and meek poverty lost heart en. . tirely, and become afraid in the shadow cast upon them by e the dazzling sceptre of mammon? Alas, I cannot tell, and e for the matter of that, who can? I am no declaimer Su against wealth or the delightfulness of its possession, or th indeed of its efficacy in any way; indeed I respect a man for his money if he has got plenty of it, for he must have had head and perseverance to have acquired it; even must I own, (better tell the truth and shame the devil,) to having Pi indulged occasionally in a little undue reverence for the P "mon 'o siller," and I can easily imagine how weak human t1 nature may, to a certain extent, be overcome by its potent X influences; but when I see a man under its baleful im. pulses, sell his independence, his self-respect, his honor, or IV that of his family, I regard it in a different light. My own. h experience teaches me sufficiently on these points. I have n drank deep and long of the cup of poverty, long enough to a I GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 85 know how nice it is to be rich; but, thank God, ilver has driven me to the wish of compromising one single feeling of dependence, or abated one jot or tittle of my respect for hte innate dignity of human excellence. Still there is no ,ver that has the power of wealth, and few things that bring greater blessings. There is one ambition that will always be rife amongst us, which is to "Get place and wealth. if possible, with grace, If not, by any means get wealth and place." There may be, however, a degree to which the impor- tance of riches, as the only means of happiness, may be ad- vocated, that can be substantiated neither by reason nor experience. There are some who, carrying, as they do everything else, the idea of filthy lucre to the verge of ab- ardity, are reminded in the plenitude of their infallibility, iat there are conditions of life where "Much wealth brings want, that hunger of the heart Which comes when nature man deserts for art." These ideas have betrayed me into a digression, the rosiness and length of which must be apologised for, more articularly, as, in doing so, the subject which suggested hem has been "thrown overboard," and left to the dogs. dr. Rensit is a true "dog in the manger"; finding that, with all his wealth (the daily accumulation of which his well-known avarice makes easy of belief), and all his inco- herent babblings of treasures laid up and invested, an un- mistakeable opinion of him is formed, do what he may to alter it, he takes vengeance upon the Fates for making him page: 86-87[View Page 86-87] 86 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, a dirty cur, by venting his lieing calumnies upon every one, indiscriminately, who frequent, by night, those social circles in which they and their fathers have been born, but into which he has crawled, and, from an imaginary elevation, ( Hangs hissing at the nobler man below!" Rensit is a great boy-a regular c-'se-and only lacks brains to be a snob of the first water. As it is, he is such a miserable balderdash, such a weak compost of bad quali- ties, that he wants that kind of dignity which even bad men not unfrequently possess, that would allow us to accuse him of possessing traits of character. There is one affection, however, in which he is as completely swallowed up as he is in the contemptible opinion of those who know what he is, and that is an avarice of tihe most intense description. For one of his years, I doubt whether one can be found any- where to compete with him in miserly inclinations. His is the real love of money, not for what it will bring, but for the money's sake. From his earliest years did he mani. fest this grasping spirit of gain-this love of accumulation -this passion for hoarding up, and raking and scraping, and putting away. I have heard it related of him, that, like the old misers represented in pictures, he wats in the habit of secretly visiting his money bags, to count and re-count their glittering contents. In my "mind's eye," I can see him gloating over his hidden treasure, calculating, with a dull brain, how, by mean shifts, and underhanded parsimony, he can add to its amount. What do you think of a person GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOMt. 87 who, to save, will wear a pinchbeck silver, and lay away, for special occasions only, his gold watch! Doesn't such an act speak what a man is, in language not to be mis- taken? When Billy sends a bouquet to a lady (which he never does unless he has serious designs), he takes very good care that no one else gets the credit of it; and if the recipient should mention, in his presence, her suspicions as to the donor, she is sure to be set right, in a trice, in case of a mistake. All this (if a man has only got the face to go it) is perfectly honest; but Mr. R. goes even so far as to take advantage, in case of a lady's being unable to ascertain to whom she is indebted for a serenade, or a bunch of flow- ers, and get for himself the credit of it all. A man that would do that, with an opportunity, would do worse things. An amusing story is related of him (the truth of it may be known among his acquaintances), that goes a good ways to show that a chicken may crow on his own dunghill, and be obliged to sneak after all. During a visit to the springs, he was unlucky enough to lose a V on a bet with either the clerk or the barkeeper of the hotel where he stayed, but was positively too stingy to pay it. On being asked why lie refused, he replied, "Because his (i. e. the clerk's) family was not as good as his." Whereon Mr. Clerk says, "I'll go you another five on that;" which banter, as Mr. Billy Rensit had no idea of losing anything more, remained unac- cepted. From that day to the present, my "sugar-cane green" has been more careful that he makes his wagers in a way that will not admit the chance of his losing, as well as page: 88[View Page 88] 88 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, that there shall be no chance of ill-natured ways, offering to bet on the antiquity of his family. But enough, and more than enough, of this fellow. If he was not a fictitious per- sonage, I should wish to wash my (as, no doubt, even as it is, my readers wish to their) hands of one whose conduct reminds you how truly "'A Heavy purse, In a fool's pocket, is a heavy curse." i page: Illustration-89[View Page Illustration-89] FIFTH AVER ' IUE] **CH^Ill ' Mrs. Blowhard, walking with her friends on 5th Avenue, is accosted by a relative, who hias lately arrived. GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 89 CHAPTER VIII. --- ? sani ut creth, an carbone notandi?" tIor. Sat., Liber 2, Sat. III. WHAT a capital arrangement it is that there should exist, in almost every thing, a principle of (it might almost be said) never ending variety. The idea is suggested at this immediate time, more forcibly from the fact of our very re- cent communion with a couple of worthies, from whom, if it were not possible to find an occasional emarcipation, it would not be long before the fabled horrors of a revolution on Ixion's wheel, would not seem sucli a very bad turn after all. No one need complain of sameness in any of the or- ders of our social structure. If we havn't a diversity of imaterii]s to select forom in the construction of character, I don't know wohat pepple have. Every shade of our kaleido- scope will bring out, in lucid harmony, a bright and alter- nating prism- of beauty that shall typify an epitome of the flags of all nations. A stranger visiting our city, cannot well help being struck with the tenacious air of exclusive- ness, that pervades every clique of every class. He sees spread out before him, from the Battery to the Reservoir, a mosaic of most pretentious coloring. The new acquaintances page: 90-91[View Page 90-91] 90 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR , he forms will persecute him in turns, with a most conscien- tious determination to proselyte him to their own particular set. Of course, to be the subject of so much solicitude, 1i must neither be an unpretending man nor the possessor of unpretending credentials; he must be well heralded in his letters introductory, and bear about him, very decidedly, the air of a man who is receiving rather less than more civility, than he expected; he must talk as if he knew a little more about everything, than anybody else, for in so doing, more than in any other way, he will be pretty sure to get the credit of being (what the New Yorkers are particularly crazy to get hold of) a distinguished stranger. Should he manage to obtain a reputation of this description, there will be no lack of jolly times, if he be inclined that, way. People ab- solutely can't do enough for him ; they will all vie with one another in extending civilities, and if he has no apprehen- sion of gout or of being suddenly appoplexed, he will carry away with him a remembrance of having drank the most lighly applauded wine, and having seen the worst speci- mens of refinement that one can well, in so short a time. But more anon of distinguished strangers-their experiences, and experiences of them. We have no w to lead our patient followers in a new path of pleasure. Emigration is a great thing, and, as may be found by statistics on that subject, is in- creasing at such a ratio, as will make it entitled to special legislation, one of these days. This great and fertile country is beginning actually to swarm with new comers, who at one gulp of a ship show themselves in nice little batches of five GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 91 or six hundred. With a meagre allowance, indeed, of bread and freedom, at home, they come to us not only to get those essentials, but to seek in that " area of freedom," which is now of world-wide renown, a chance, an equal chance in the pursuits that ambition may instigate. It is wonderful with what strides, and by what accidents, some of our transat- lantic brethren, of the humblest orders, arrive at affluence and consideration after having served but a very short time of citizenship. Sometimes the friends of these of the 'lucky sort," arrive on our shores to find their quondam acquaintances changed in their " state of being," to a de- gree little less wonderful than the magical metamorphoses that befell the celebrated Cinderella, with her glass slip- pers. Trusting, with the unsuspecting credulity of un- sophisticated natures, to the strength of an early and long- continued intimacy, they approach these favorites of for- tune, encouraged to expect a helping hand, from the memo- ry of kindnesses performed, when amid the poverty of their native land they shared alike the frugal store. Poor fools! how little do they know of the suddenly-grown great. The proverb that tells us where beggars "fetch up" that are put on d "horseback," may not occur to them, but when, even before an appeal is uttered for sympathy or assistance, they find their acquaintance disclaimed, and their identity denied With that dull-rooted, callous impudence Which, dead to shame, and every nicer sense, hesitates not to add falsehood to ingratitude, they are taught that bitter lesson so few are in happy ignorance of, that page: 92-93[View Page 92-93] 92 NEW-YORK ARIZSTOCRACY; OR, friendship, when weighed against gold, must "kick the beam." I have about as little faith in the beneficial results of suddenly-acquired wealth, as in the efficacy of sudden conversions. In either case, as in the vegetable world, an undue growth must produce rankness. There, Mrs. Blow- hard, if you are not satisfied with such a description of the goblet, you must-be unreasonable, and I cannot expect you to be any better pleased at the analysis which I propose to make of its contents. It will be recollected, possibly, that this lady was casually introduced as a branch of the paddy, or "small potato" patricians, as well as that of her being ingrafted matrimonially on an unknown stock. There are complexities in the extract of Mrs. B. which even my omniscient orrery is unable to help me out of. "Old Irish" is, I believe, pretty much obsolete, or else I might possibly rake up more in reference to the ramifications of the family radix. All I know is, that Miss Kathleen Dennis, (to which agreeable cognomen the present Mrs. B. was wont to res- pond, "While yet a sweet maid in her teens,") was pronounced, unanimously, by the best judges, as a young lady who was (in the expressive vernacular of Yankeedom) as "tc'iish as blazes ;" it is not positively known whether she was so on both sides, but the balance of evidence was in favor of such a supposition. Mrs. B. has all the physical peculiarities of her nation, and they are more distinct than that of any other. Was ever an Irishman or woman, ever mistaken for anything else than what they were? Amidst GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 93 a thousand tongues, how clear, and sharp, and unmistakable breaks in that rattling brogue, as the shrill clarion and the thunders of battle, or as the quick and almost appalling clash of cymbals, that clangs out at intervals above the roar of the heaviest instrumentation. And then, as if the distinguishing characteristics were not enough, the " devil has walked over their faces with hot nails in his shoes ;" or, in other words, three-fifths of them are pitted with a disease, an almost entire monopoly of which seems, with little justice, to have been forced upon them. What have they done to de- serve so singular a visitation? Is it a stigma sent for sub- mission to British tyranny or an offset to their freedom from snakes? I leave this curious question in the hands of the learned professions. However, careful inoculation has saved Mrs. B. from constitutional tendencies in this respect, and but for dress and a few other externals she might pass almost anywhere for a tolerably nice chamber-maid. Her education and accomplishments are in excellent keeping with her appearance. Her correspondents are the best wit- nesses to these trifling deficiencies. They can attest, if they will, her dread despoliations in the ranks of simple orthog- raphy, while the murderous onslaughts against king's Eng- ish, would be sufficient to convict her before a jury of her peers. Bad grammar, -luckily, is quite common enough, amongst our precocious noblesse, to prevent it, even when associated with brogue, from militating very severely any young lady's reputation. By way of a little choice piece of gossip, dear reader, not very new, nor yet altogether not page: 94-95[View Page 94-95] " NEW-YORK ARISTOCAOY ; OR, pertinent to the occasion, have you heard Miss Buck. breeches remark to a gentleman, after visiting the beautiful Diisseldorf collection? If not, I will tell you that you may learn how "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing." "She thought it must have taken Mr. Diisseldorf a long time to have painted so many pictures!" ........ Miss Kathleen's papa did not stint his daughter in the ad- vantages proper to an aspiring paddy; on the contrary, he was aware of the importance of what is termed a fashiona- ble education, (more properly a stay at some notorious boarding-school,) and after indenturing her for the prescribed period to the enlightened system of Madame Cantdy's es- tablishment, lie finished her off with a few months of polish at Madame Shaghack's. After having thus graduated, in the full honors of a distorted disposition and warped un- derstanding, she is brought back to the paternal piggery, and submitted to Sefior Raspberrie, with whom she will learn imitations of the kettle drum, to spoil pianos. Two days afterward, comes Seaor Brandigealli, whose business it is to bring under control the broken-winded " shrill treble" of a voice, (designed by nature only to swell the bacchanal- ian chorus of a"I wake,") and render it so that it may be mistaken either for the expiring twang of cat-gut, broken under full tension, or the hungry wail of a wildcat. Course No. 3 will find her under the tutelage of Monsieur Crapeau, who will do his best to soften the asperity of her untamed brogue, into a mild and modified paddy patois. As a fin- isher, or dessert to this diversified dinner of attainments, GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 95 Seiior Soreraccu, will instruct her privately in the ternary graces of Polka, Mazourka and Schottische, and at the same time impress her with the great superiority of the modern "tet- ering" style of ambulation (performed on tiptoe, as if an egg were tied on the bottom of each heeD to the undignified strides of a short, shambling bog-trot. These, perhaps, will comprise what is considered necessary for personal accomplishments. Before, however, committing this precious cargo of dry goods to the chances of capture by matrimonial pirates who infest those seas in which she is to navigate her bright-col- ored bark, her respected parents will see fit to administer a little wise counsel by way of a centreboard. Her direc- tions consist in being told when she must hang out false, and when true colors-when to invite an attack, and when to spread sail for flight; and when, in case of some rich but coy adventurer, she may get ready her grappling irons to board herself. And now having followed this young lady through the labyrinths of a fashionable initiatory, we may be permitted to convoy her, during the remainder of her journeying, which will not cease till she reaches (pardon, 0 pitying patron, so poor a pun) the "Isle of MAN." We shall now see what uses she will make of her education, and whether that education will not be found to have inculcat- ed primarily, a system of principles in which the sentiments of truth and sound morality, have had little share; that, on the contrary, its teachings and tendencies have been to the encouragement and support of a creed which recognizes expediency, and a most intense worldliness, as preferable to page: 96-97[View Page 96-97] 96 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, uncompromising integrity, and simple sincerity. If her ac- in counts of 1" poor relations" be true, she cannot be credited se with a very flattering opinion of her "kinsfolk ;" and it is sc seldom the opportunity is foregone to give them a rap over the knuckles, if by so doing she can stave off a strong sus. ian picion of the family starting goal. Yet when hard pressed gii or cornered, she can take the opposite tack, and talk of sh uncontrollable fancies for revisiting, beyond the broad, blue to water, (och, murther, only to think of it!) ancestral walls that al stand mid ancient parks, till you almost believe that instead De of living in a shanty, where the pig is partitioned off with a or pine deal and three-legged stool, she may in truth have tha dwelt where Jap "----- perfumed lights tern Stole through the mists of alabaster lamps "i, Notwithstanding that mamma took it very hard at first, as soon A as Miss Kathleen came to weigh her acquaintances, she forth. ill with proceeded to repudiate her Hibernian friends, and the the consequence is, that her pug nose is turned up with supreme one contempt at those, even, wilh whom she once thought if Den she could only even associate, it would be the height of who human ambition. Alas! for the Flannagans, the Doyles, brin the Doughertys, the Burkes, and the Kelleys, and all the assu rest of them, they are no more to find favor in the eyes of reie old Dennis's daughter. Old nma De nnis stood out like a o good one (an honest, cook-like looking woman she is, to be est a sure,) against these violations of the first laws of kindness, self and kindred, and country, and would have remained staunch siona GE-MS OF JAPON[CA-DOM. 97 in her loyalty to nature had not thefater of Kathleen him- self, turned recreant to his patriotism, and silenced the scruples of his better half by appealing to her motherly feelings. "And isn't it me dawther," he would say, , whose atherests are to be made with the great folks ? and is it the girruls own mother as ud stand in her light ? it's yourself as should know with ow much deefeculty I have fought me way to where I stand." One or two great changes go a great wvay to reconcile people to almost anythling, and when Mrs. Dennis thinks of the advantages of brown-stone houses over bog huts, she lays a " flattering unction" 'to her soul, that is comforting indeed. I have my doubts, whether Mrs. Japhet Blowhard is ever annoyed atthe present day with ma- ternal lectures on ingratitude, false pride, or anything of that kind. A slight sketch of old Dennis, who' " rules the roast," wll give you an insight of the man's character, and make the conduct of his household, not so entirely unnatural as one might suppose, who has been in the dark "ia priori." Tom Dennis was originally a sort of head ship carpenter, whose knowledge of his trade was not half so powerful in bringing him up in the world, as a forward and impudent assumption of equality, by which, regardless of his want of, refinement, education and natural disqualifications for tlhe goeietyof gentlemen, after a little good luck and dishon- est advantage taken in money transactions, he pushed him- self forward with shameless precipitancy upon the compass sionate acknowledgment of hisK superiors. There are way. page: 98-99[View Page 98-99] 98 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; ORK enough to the sharp minded, by which an acquaintance (ren- dered through ordinary agencies, perhaps, almost impracti- cable, by a wide disparity of circumstances,) with very de- sirable people may be accomplished, and the trick of it re- main undetected. A miserable sot in the gutter, may, under certain circumstances, so evoke compassion, that the hand of charity will raise him up, and on evidences of proper con- trition, assist forward, with much kindness. Taking advan- tage of the amiable traits of human nature, a sordidly am- bitious spirit will find a thousand ways to take the blind side of unsuspecting goodness, and with a spirit of perse- verance worthy a better cause, whine, and fawn, and crawl through the ordure of falsehood and deceit, to compass its dirty desires. I will not take it upon me to say, how Mr. D. went to work to cut his niche in the temple of Snobdom, but I know there are those, yea, very many, who can recol- lect since when the manners and conversation of that per- son were characterized by a gentleness and becoming humility, at marked variance with the pretentious demon- strations of his present bearing. I really believe, though, that assurance has become so much of a second nature with him that he is really unconscious of ever having been in a different position of life. How vividly peers out from the Opera-box his round, red, apple face, gleaming with good brandy and bad breeding, as he sits in a corner and watches with benignant composure the visits of the young bucks, between acts, to his " dawters ;" the objects of the said young bucks, supposed to be a deo- GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 9D sire to command a view of certain portions of the house, obtainable from no other point, as also to revive the accent that will gain them great eclat, when imparted to their Irish anecdote at the next supper party. They say he is a " good Catholic," and as a matter of course, holds a pew, either in St. Peter's, or the Cathedral, and what is better still, is seen to occupy it quite regularly. Not being a communi- cant in either of those churches, I cannot say which is the most fashionable, but if any one will inform me, I will bet my C" pile" that I tell the one frequented by one Mr. Tom Dennis. I suppose Bishop Hughes must dine with him some times, (for all our wealthier Catholics are great enter- tainers of their clergy,) and it would be amusing to know what so great and good a man, and so liberal a divine must think of what he hears and sees, when a partaker of the bouuties of Tom's good dinners. Of course he must go to church in his coach (poor horses of which, what a lot is theirs) for thereby the lowly worshippers that bend to the shrine in the portals and passages, are made aware, by the rattling wheels, which dispel devotion, that a great man is nearing, and must be made room for. Dennis is fond of the good things of this world, and amongst those for which he has a very decided but amiable weakness, may be counted the generous properties of alcohol, in all its forms. Now and then, both at home and at parties to which he has been invited, this righteous and red-nosed old gentle. man will get just tipsy enough to, boast, and talk bad grammar; the latter he can't help, being natural to him page: 100-107[View Page 100-107] 100 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, but the former is a virtue, which in sober moments he has resolved, and re-resolved, that he would never be guilty of being caught at, if he could in any way avoid it; by the time, however, the heavy sherry make its appearance, those good resolutions, so often formed, have been hidden under his white Marseilles, and drowned, "' Like Clarense in a butt of Malmsey," beyond the hope of recovery. .... Mr. Dennis, as a busi- ness man, is known as a first rate failer ; his present afflu' ence is mainly attributed to this fact. Failing rich is now reduced to a science, and carried on to an extent, and with an impurity, which would make our old fashioned, honest Knickerbocker merchants of the last century, turn over in their graves with astonishment, could they hear of it. Be sure, if a man practices this way of doing business, and keeps rich by building his fortunes on the ruins of his neighbors, he must crush some irretrievably, and make enemies of others; but then it is a very easy and quick way of maling a fortune, and can have no objection made against it, unless it be that a few illiberal people, who are behind the age. should say that it is dishonest. What is honesty, now-a days, amongst very many merchants, but an obsolete expres. sio n; a virtue, the wearing of which pays very poorly? Dennis keeps pace with the age, and consequently he will never be poor. Formerly, if a man failed, he was likely to be found dead some fine morning shortly after. TEMPORA MUTANTER, EPT MPTAMLR ILLTS. . . . Well, let him go. GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 107 Society, by tolerating such acts from its members, without even the expression of a frown, holds out a premium for ill- gotten gain, which there will always be unprincipled men enough to take advantage of. I regret that a want of space 'will not allow me further to follow the character and con- duct of Mrs. Blowhard. We have only seen a few of the fruits of the young tree ; could we watch subsequent trans- plantings, we might still behold, in maturer yieldings, the character of the first graft. Too true, perhaps, may prove the trite old proverb, that "Just as the twig is bent the tree's inclined ;" and too sorrowfully may we be witnesses of its sad prema- turity in 1" the sere and yellow leaf." In the nursery was the canker-worm of that tree." page: 102 (Illustration) -103[View Page 102 (Illustration) -103] Frank draws Mrs. Jouncer's attention to the splendid style in which Van Dunlk is doing a cavatina to Miss Wailer's accompaniment. GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 103 CHAPTER IX. " ,- et in seipso totus, teres atque rotundus, Externi ne quid valeat per ]eve morari; In quem manca ruit semper Fortuna." Hor. Sat., Liber 11, Sat. VII. "4 Tho' modest, on his unembarrass'd brow Nature had written ' Gentleman,' " Byron'A Don Juan. "His very name a title-page, and next His life a commentary on the text." Woodbridge. Is view of the commendable patience with which I must imagine my readers to have followed the subjects (hard ones, too) presented in the last number, I feel under obli- gations to change the bill of performances, and offer in place of clap-trap and burlesque, a little of the legitimate drama. I will not pretend to decide what impressions have been produced by the characters thus far introduced, nor so far insult the public judgment as to suppose it has been very much misled as to the real kinds and classes whose delineations have been attempted. It is a mournful, though no less true fact, that of those who represent what is ac cepted by the world as our leading aristocracy, three-fifths may be safely set down, to a certain extent, as positive cari- catures. See how they come in and by what-how they figure for a while, and then disappear like bad odors. Pray what are the requisites, necessary to an admission, or rather 6 page: 104-105[View Page 104-105] 104: NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, so there be wealth, what is there that will positively entail the danger of black-balling? Audacious must he be, who would propose what should justify public ostracism, and more wonderful his ingenuity, whose knowledge of fashion- able ethics would enable him to lay down a chart of the modern moral qualifications. Is not Society, in its recogni- tion of thosejustly interdicted, guilty of a violation of the very principles upon which it stands, the evil influences of which must descend to the third and fourth generation? Daily are our experiences shocked in being witnesses of the shameless impunity with which gilded vice is paraded be- fore us. Why do fathers barter their daughters' innocence and future happiness, for a few seasons of questionable splendor, and why do daughters shut their eyes against the mercenary prostitution, which their children beholding, "shall rise up and call them" cursed? Let not this pre- sent calm and apparent acquiescence, be laid as a flatter- ing unction" to the heart, for a time of fearful reckoning shall come for each particular sin, when penitential years, and tears of blood will fail to expiate the dread punishments that must everfollow rebellion against our common nature! Has a blight fallen upon the brain, or a paralysis upon the hands, that were wont to guide the pen for public censure? Have the pernicious tides of wealth and effeminacy swept away, or risen above the landmarks of virtue arnd honor? Let those go forth to the work of regeneration, who are not dead to the common decencies of their nature; let them sprinkle the ashes of puwific'ation upon the unclean spirits of the time; let the appalling shades of this far- GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 105 reaching Upas, whose poisonous damp is penetrating and withering the firuits of purity and truth, be banished hence- forth by the consuming fires of an honest indignation, or else, forever bid farewell to all the unutterable tenderness with which we remember a mother's love and prayers, a sister's disinterested affection, or a wife's absorbing devotion. Let this moral leprosy be purged from the land, or let the nation in sackcloth, become a mourner at the tomb of departed Virtue! From these thoughts of a soil where thrives so rankly the "root of all evil," turn we gladly to pleasanter pictures. In presenting the study of a subject that is se. parated with what I trust will prove a most agreeable dis- tinctness, from the characters that have occupied the pre- ceding sketches, there has been a very strong temptation to surrender for the occasion the plan hitherto proposed and adlhered to, and instead of drawing a purely fictitious cha- racter, allow my pen the unusual license of recording the remembrances of one whose charming idiosyncrasy will ever be indellibly in my "mind's eye." But no -one lapse from the firm determination to avoid personali- ties, and good-by to good resolutions; so I will satisfy myself with a view of the (to use a favorite expression of the illustrious Kossuth) "solidarity of the peoples," and strike an average thereof. Yet, desirous as I am of pre- serving consistency, it is not improbable lhat the leading feature in this chapter will be more strongly colored with actual reminiscences than I could wish for; and if such should be the oate, in view of the contingency of "coffee for one," I would invoke a little deadly precision for a hand page: 106-107[View Page 106-107] 106 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY,; OR, quite out of practice, and wofully unsteadied by late hours and strong cigars, with somewhat' the same spirit that the fellow did, when previous to closing in with a big bear, he made the following apostrophe: "O Lord, there is goin' to be one of the biggest 'bar' fights that ever you did see, and O Loi d, if you ain't on my side, for God's sake don't be on the ' bar's!'"The anecdote is a regular grandfather, but the idea came pat to my position, and I made free to use it. Our hero, Mr. Frank Warewell, is full of anec- dotes, and good ones, too, and a walking volume of good sayings, choice saws, sage apothegms, and " horresco refe- rens;" a thorough-paced, unmitigated, and original- PUNSTER! I hope the announcement has not already prejudiced him with the prejudging public; it is no fault of his, if nature forces him to affix a dozen significations to a word, in which ordinary minds can find but one. Frank is a perfect air-pump on language, and will, in a, given space of time, exhaust any given word, or words, or phrase, or sentence, of their different and latent meanings as com- pletely as the doctors draw off deadly compounds from the stomachs of those who have taken that process to " step out." The equivoque in his case, by inclination and lbng habit, is confirmed into a second nature, and he can no more shake it off at will than can the dog his tail. Of course, his friends understand the incurable nature of his complaint, and deal gently with so pardonable a weakness; many, however, fall victims, by infection, to the same disease, and among them those whom you would almost as soon expect to find guilty of highway robbery as a double entendre. A GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 107 certain great man (and the greatest are liable to mistakes) has sent his fiat against punning, by condemning it as the lowest species of wit; now, had he lived in the times of Mr. Warewell, his conviction would likely have been much changed by the perfection to which that. gentleman has brought the practice of a " play upon words." Many, doubtless, have endeavored to immortalize themselves by this rare accomplishment, who failed most signally, from want of capacity, and that natural adaptation, which has rendered Warewell's graceful ambiguities successful to a proverb. There is a way, I take it, of reducing all those sort of things to a science.: more so, at any rate, than people gen- erally believe; and the mind concentrating its energies con- tinually on one subject, and matters legitimately pertaining thereto, will necessarily acquire a facility and acumen that is quite as astonishing to the uninitiated as are the " hocus pocus" and "presto, change," that puzzle the brains of youthful visitors, after their first evenings with Anderson, the "Wizard of the North." In this particular line of hu- mor, Frank is entirely at home, but no more so than in a general impromptu cleverness, t{hat renders his peculiar talents in general demand. Most unquestionably, in the Temple of Fun, he is the Magnus Apollo, while the crowd of clumsy mimics, who aspire to bring their votive offerings, may be likened unto crude catechumens that throng the outer shrine. How vain would be the attempt here to furnish even specimens of the many good things which he has the credit of having said, although I understand he is anything but flattered by being supposed the author of To page: 108-109[View Page 108-109] 108 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, sundry stupidities, that have been pushed off on the public: with a forgery of his endorsement to save them from im- mediate sepulture. He therefore objects to " casting his bread on the waters, that it may return to him after many days," because (as he says) it would make his cake all "dough." However we may regard this kind of talent, or however much we may question the utility of asserting it worthy of emulation, still, its very inoffensiveness, pleads strongly for a lenity of judgment. Grant it, if you will, an "ignis fatuus," yet still an innocent one. Pure and un- defiled wit, by which I mean the sparkling and polished pleasantry of ideas as opposed to that of words, is invested with a mysterious and subtle beauty, which at once estab- lishes its claims to superiority. But alas! if it be beautiful, how much of cruelty and bitterness often go with it, and of the many true words which the old proverb tells us are C" spoken in jest," how many of them are indebted for their pungency to lurking malice, and venomous spite. Fortu- nately, I suppose the age we live in is not a peculiarly sensi- tive one, and that the barbed and glittering shaft with which the satirist expects to pierce the vices of the day to quick- ened torture, will likely rebound with blunted point from the tough and scaly fibres of the moral epidermis. Those who wish to castigate the crowd, must remember the times as they are; the bare spots change about; therefore let them lay on only where it will tell, else will their labor be lost. If you are the aggressor, my friend, and are deter- mined to gain your end, there is no better advice for you than that which King Philip received from the Oracle, the GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. i 109 excellence of which was plainly proven to him in various subsequent operations: "ApyvprsalS 6yXattL paXov, at 7ravra X5arrisetg." Let the officers of Public Mint look to it that their issues are of true weight, for in this age of Brass, if the circulat- ing medium is not corrupted, it will be from no want of op- portunity for galvanic manipulation, but rather from a me- tallic purity which shall baffle alloy. Mr. Warewell's wit is of that kind which is easily understood, but scarcely., to be described. His colloquial powers grow upon you most agreeably, and yet unexplainably; one hardly knows whether it be the matter or the manner, or both united, or something else entirely different, or else perhaps not differ- ent, but experienced through some new medium. So it is in listening with choking ecstacy to the ravishing vibrations of music, that sink deep in the innermost soul; a hidden but vital chord may be struck, with a power like the electric shock, awakening the whole order of sensibilities, and yet the whole produced by agencies we wot not of nor per. chance ever shall. With a little alteration, what Goldsmith said of Garrick, may be also applied to Frank: "; - -------- describe him who can, An abridgement of all that (is) pleasant in man; As (a punster), confess'd without rival to shine; As a wit, if not first, in the very first line." Our hero's manners are modelled upon the hearty viva- city and respectful familiarity of the old school, which I am silly enough to prefer to the "s mute, inglorious" hauteur of page: 110-111[View Page 110-111] "O NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, our modern elegants, who are stately and shining, and cold as icebergs, seemingly apprehensive that a little thaw and graciousness will destroy their stiff, shirt-collar dignity, and make it tumble down like a basket of butcher's meat. Frank is polite enough to avail himself of the advantages of a little flattery now and then (which never hurts anybody), and if, occasionally, he "cuts it a little too thick," it is a mistake much more easily forgiven than the contrary. People may rail against the practice as much as they please (sometimes they are afraid of being suspected a little open themselves on that point), but so long as human nature remains the same, my doctrine will be found to be tolerably orthodox. It must be acknowledged that Frank does not use all the discrimina- tion he might, as regards the recipients of the!" honey heavy dew" of his sweet things ; or, in plain English, he flatters too universally, to save himself from an imputation of insincer- ity. He is a professor of too many of the shining accom- plishments, to make superficiality of knowledge in some a matter of much wonderment. Should he husband his ta- lents, to concentrate them on this point, doubtless he would attain the distinction of a most scientific complimenteur. As it is, he is an Americanized Chesterfield, with a generous, open democracy of manner, better suited to the times and our " peculiar institutions," than that fine filagree polish, so elaborately traced on the hard and unyielding enamel of the, old English model. Warewell thinks himself under obliga- tions to do the agreeable, under all circumstances, for, as he says, he has so long enjoyed thefrank-ing privileges, that it is but a small return if he strives, to the best of his ability, I , GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 1" to repay the debt of gratitude. In society, he invariably manages (and herein we must acknowledge the catholicity of his taste) to monopolize either the cleverest or best look- ing women. How he contrives to do this without giving offence to the stars of lesser magnitude, is one of the secrets of his peculiar diplomacy. On this account he has to play a difficult, and sometimes dangerous game. He who ung scathed can run the gauntlet of feminine predilection, may be safely set down as one of the lucky kind. Yet Frank manages all these things, like a skillful general, and makes many a strong point where most people would lose. And here is seen the efficacy of his panacea-his rostrum of mellifluous words! Perhaps there is no place in which he is seen to greater advantage than at the Spiings. I am in- clined to think that Saratoga was made for him expressly; and when he sharll have gone higher up, visitors need not be surprised if the Springs themselves should dry up. It is there (whether from local influences, or the saline pungency of Congress Water, I cannot say) that the best elements of his nature develop themselves. How incomplete, without him, would be the promenade-the " ten pin" parties-ex- cursions to the lake-soiree du bal, and bal masque! Char- ley Menshun, on one occasion, in the United States bar room, having stated that he thought that Frank was going it with a RUSH, was immediately asked up to drink, and ac- cepted. Warewell's candor, integrity, and offhand clever- ness, causes him to be in great demand as referee in disputes, and speechifier in genertl1. He is great, truly great, at improvisation, poetical recitations, improptu addresses, in 6. r page: 112-113[View Page 112-113] "2 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, fact, in every thing that comes under social stump-speaking. Many well recollect the melting pathos of his address, when a certain notable young man united himself with one Miss Hats. It is said the young lady's papa was so much over- come either by the speech, or the heat, or heeltaps, that he forthwith unloosed his oriental treasure-his (as Frank says) " bosom's lord," a very Koh-i-noor in GREEN-and in- sisted on presenting it. WHAT A TRIUMPH FOR ELOQUENCE AND EMERALDS!! For further information I am authorized to refer the curious to "Morris," Marvins' renowned head waiter, whose evidence, though somewhat highly colored, may be relied on. Would that I were privileged to intro- duce here the touching stanza he indited when "Young America" ran off and married his chambermaid. Those who remember Mrs. Leo Hunter's lines to a frog, expiring on a log, may faintly conceive the melting tenderness with which the poet alludes to so romantic a union. Young Hopeful's father was so overcome, that the anger of a dis- appointed ambition gave way, and on the author's conclud- ing the address, came forward, and grasping Frank's hand, exclaimed, in choking accents, (his mind fresh from a recent perusal of the prices of pork) "THAT'S MESS!" In that phrase, one with which he manages to interlard most of his conversations, old Piggot expressed the quintescence of ad- miration. Frank has confessed that he was apprehensive that he had been a little premature, or, to use his own words, that he had " cut it a little too fat," and that he was greatly relieved when the old gentleman held out the olive branch. When that tailor's beauty, Mr. Washerton Chopztitoh, f GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. t3 united his fortunes with Miss Teterty Cowslip, whose artifi- cial verticality can result only from long intemperance in ramrod& tea, our friend Warewell, getting inspired, again essayed, and clomb Parnassus heights to weave a chaplet for the blushing bride; with what success, the reader may judge for himself, by reading the annexed, which, though not intended for the public, I have taken the liberty of pre- senting, without the author's knowledge or consent. TO MSS TETERTY C - , ON HER BRIDAL EVE. O sweetest dowslip! on this happy night My muse, emboldened, dares to claim her right, And draw the veil that hides thy virgin heart, To prove that .Nature is excelled by Art. I know perfections such as thine demand A graphic power, denied my feeble hand, Yet still through all thy beauty can impart What JVature could not give, but only Art. By the rich blush that on thy face glows deep, In colors standingr as the apple's cheek; We learn, alas! how beauty must depart, Unless we, XJature7 cover o'er with Art. Or in the heavings of thy faultless bust, (O! skill immortal-of the " upper crust!") We still may see, and lay it much to heart, That Nature's " some," when she is raised by Art. There, take my blessings! May thy husband find Cengenial pleasure in a " model mind!" Still love thee dearly as his better part- -No flower of Nature, but a gem of Art. F page: 114-115[View Page 114-115] "4 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; (R, And when in fqture years, with children blest, A peerless matron thou shalt stand confessed, Engrave this lesson on the youthful heart- That Nature's nothing, by the side of Art. Ned F-- , a great friend and admirer of Frank's, asked him what made him write verses of so equivocal a nature, and was answered, that "they were suggested after having made a very good thing in cotton." Ned is of the old set, one of the right kind, and a fine pattern of a class now mostly extinct. I understand, in case of Frank's stepping out, Ned will do the posthumous honors; if so, success attend this modern Boswell, and qiay his labors be amply repaid. It would have afforded me great pleasure to have con- tinued my sojournings amid the various spots consecrated by the wanderings of our hero, but having consulted the limits of space I find no chance of being accommodated. It would be hardly fair, though, after having thus briefly can- vassed Mr. Warewell's mental and moral attributes, to with- hold altogether a description of their earthly tabernacle. Frank has even enjoyed the reputation of being one of the handsomest men of the age-not one of your sleek-faced, figure-head, block-model of St. Anthony beauties (with no more soul or expression than are on the waxen mugs of figures one sees through big plate-glass windows, in bar- bers' shops, slowly revolving on their axis), but a counten- ance, interesting from its character, and from the air of natural refinement, that speaks from every lineament. His cast of featu: es are eminently distinguished and highly GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 115 poetical-a blending of Praxitiles severity, with Guido's softer tints-his nose acquiline and aristocratic, his eye ever in a " fine phrenzy rolling,"- - whose beams might shame a night Of star-light gleams, they are so bright." Frank's crowning glory is in the luxuriance and quality of his hair--" hyperion locks"-that gleam in their waving masses of glossy purple, as the golden harvest, under an Autumn sun. If you would catch a little of the Pro- methean fire in his eye, ask him his opinion of Louis Kos- suth. Mr. Van Dunk says, he would be magnificent in "Lucia," as the master of Ravenswood. Van Dunk is a perfect musical embodiment-or " music run mad." He has probably the finest amateur voice in the country, with great cultivation, and unexceptionable method. He can give you a critical account of all the great operas, and illus- trate their chiefer beauties, with his own matchless organ. He is always at the opera, as if it were a duty--and would be almost as much missed as the great impressario-Max. The Artists stand in awe of his fiat, as they would of Beeth- hoven's. He is known (from strong personal resemblance to Wellington) as the " duke," and is in truth a plaguy handsome fellow. Mrs. Jouncer, who is a fine musician and great approver of Van Dunk, thinks it a great pity the public should be deprived of his talents. page: 116 (Illustration) [View Page 116 (Illustration) ] "6 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, CHAPTER X. Nil parvum, aut humili modo, Nil mortale loquar. Horace-Carminum-Lib. iii.-Ode xix. I QUESTION very much whether Mrs. Lavender feels half as badly in having been deprived, even till this time, of the immortality a notice in these sketches will probably secure to her, as I do. The disposition of an author's subjects is not always in his control, and in the desultory nature of this work, it has been frequently the case that to maintain a certain average, both people and places have been intro- duced which otherwise would gladly have been avoided. Some specimens have crept in that were better rejected, but they would have been so at the expense of a certain fidelity to which I pledged myself in the beginning. Mrs. Lav- ender, like a winter apple, (though not a greening by any means), is not of a quality to spoil by keeping; on the con- trary, it would seem that, like the vinous extract, time only adds to, and develops her many excellencies. I have no doubt that there are many, very many ladies, now, who would be glad if they could only make me write out Mrs. L.'s history according to their own dictation: in which case heaven help that poor lady; if there should be anything left of her, it would not be their fault. Like all women who are popular among gentlemen, she is proportionably the reverse ttP M!. Lavender returning rather late from the "board" is made a witness of tie man- ner iln whic a lonely wife consoles herself during the husband's absence. page: -117[View Page -117] I GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 117 amongst her own sex; but I have no idea of gratifying the jealous spleen of her envying enemies, by indulging in whole- sale denunciations, in which there would be neither justice nor humanity. Mrs. Lavender may not be exactly a divine em- anation of perfection, any more than most other persons; but that is no reason why, since she generally acts very independ. ently and without reference to certain standards, that others have assumed to appoint she should therefore be held up as a fit mark for the launching at of senseless ridicule or stupid execration. It is more magnanimous, at all events, to take the weaker side, if it be not positively bad, and it is most de- voutly to be hoped, that those who are always so anxious to swell, with brazen throats, the "hue and cry," will one day, themselves, be hunted to their filthy lairs. Mrs. Lav- ender is a prominent character, a distinguished woman, from whose coterie proceedeth all manner of diverse and notable impressions. Visitors here, and those wretched inhabitants who are yet without the pale, are led in some way to look upon her as the acknowledged, but unapproachable god- dess of the 1"Upper Ten ;" one upon whom the dignity of a social apotheosis has been conferred by a unanimous viva voce, and accepted as if by the "divine right of kings." Sueh is the lady whose points, peculiarities, and parties, we are now about endeavoring to discuss, with as much impar- tiality as is possible. In former allusions it has been seen how obnoxious she was to the Muskys, owing to their jeal- ousy of her superior attractions, as also the rancour with which she inspired Mrs. Fustian, by reason of refusing to be intimate with that intolerable piece of fat and flummery. O page: 118-119[View Page 118-119] "8 NEW YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, It is unnecessary, however, to mention here, the names of all who have a " bone to pick " with Mrs. L. Their name is legion. The probable causes of their dislike may possi- bly be suspected, as we proceed to scrutinize more closely that lady's character, in which may be discovered the no un. usual combination of dignified reserve, (amounting at times to at least the appearance of actual hauteur) united to charm. ing affability and real ingenuousness; I say real, but may be mistaken. If I am, then all I say is, that it is the very best imitation since the "counterfeit presentment" of aristoc- racy, by which the reader may recollect old Fustian was so egregiously duped. My own belief is, that her smiles are not heart's hypocrites-ghastly types of deceit, with which to ensnare unsophisticated goodness ; they are possessed of too much warmth and natural beauty, and irradiate the face with too truthful a glory, to spring entirely from dissembled causes. There is a depth of simplicity, which artful guile can with little difficulty compass, but the shrewd studier of human nature is not so easily hoodwinked. To the quick, accustomeJ eye, how easy to detect natural from artificial flowers; mechanical ingenuity may have almost destroyed identity, in respect to botanical accuracy, and perfumes blended as exquisitely sweet as those that tempt the bee, yet in the lifeless gloss that but mocks the vitality of vernal hues, or in the palsied tremulousness of fluttering leaves, that seeks to imitate the "aspen's quiver- ing shade," how plain is the penumbra of Nature. In thus pleading Mrs. Lavender's sincerity, I would not have it sup- posed for a moment, that she is such an entire simpleton, as GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 119 not to know the use of disguise, as well as to practice it when necessary. For instance, when a certain gentleman, who even finds it difficult to make himself endured, by back-biting indiscriminately, hangs like an ape over her box at the Opera (suggesting to the audienot, the story of Beauty and the Beast,) she can smile him in ten minutes into such a state of folly, that when he looks in the glass, on retiring that night, he will forget that he was solicited by Mr. Niblo, dinuing M zetti's illness, to attempt, unmasked, the delineation of a. certain Brazilian character, and may dream, perchance, of the mythological loves between ani- mals, and the human race divine. Mrs. Lavender can smile at such a man, but it will be a smile of derision, coupled with contempt at a style of manners of the most disgusting presumption, to which is added a meagre understanding, with the most inordinate vanity. Imagine, if you can, such a libel on humanity as this, positively possessed with the idea, that he can plume himself on having made un- happy that ravishing piece of womanly perfection! Bah! Could she, but for a moment, be brought to suppose that Joe Blackface had dared to so far insult her dignity and good taste, as even to entertain, though secretly, such thoughts in regard to her, I believe in her indignation, she would for- get her usually classical composure, and kick the scullion across the square. Think of such a sight as that!-the im- perturbable Mrs. L., driven to desperation by such a dog, and venting her vengeance in a pedal energy that might drive him for safety to the very fountain itself. What a , page: 120-121[View Page 120-121] 120 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, subject for the pictorial talent of the age! or for the Ravels to embody in tableaux vivant. I leave it open for the Pi. cayune, or Lantern; a generosity I have no doubt they will duly appreciate. If Mrs. L. could have been indicted for permitting about her a public nuisance, she would long since have been obliged to answer before our public tribu- nals. So much for Mr. Blackface. Among the first occasions I had to use Mrs. Lavender's name, I stated, I believe, that she was the prominent repre- sentative of the note-shaving aristocracy, and might have added also the fact of her being a very princess among the "Bulls" and "Bears." Her influences, no doubt, are felt in fluctuations of the "fancies," and direct in a measure the capricious councils of the board of brokers, whose decisions are " little by starts, and nothing long." Except the uniniti- ated, how few of those human bees who are buzzing the year round in the different hives in Wall Street, can calcu- late the immense power emanating from Mrs. Lavender's pri- vate boudoir, and acting thence secretly, but surely, through her banks and brokers. As to negotiating government loans, that to her is a plain, straight forward achievement, which she feels would be throwing away her talents to be- come interested in; but give her the opportunity of mani- festing a delicate or deep laid finesse, such as throwing out baits that will allure even the veterans, or by some bold and astonishing coup d'etat, overwhelming her opponents, and securing an entire modeooly, and she will then prove her- self the superior tactitian, which she most decidedly is. It is said that nothing requires more nerve and moral courage GEMS OF JAPON1CA-DOM. 121 than this same business of heavy speculation. Thus, I sup- pose we may account in a measure, for Mrs. L.'s independent hardihood of character, that dares to set aside the old land- marks, and stick up stakes for itself. You can see calcula- tion and courage in everything she does. Had the Empress Josephine been a person of our 'heroine's calibre, Napoleon might have found domestic fires, from which flight would have been more necessary, than from the flames of Moscow. This boldness and originality distinguish her from others who, perhaps, have aspirations quite as lofty, but who are content to take the beaten track, and so be obliged to slowly swallow the dust kicked up by the thousand and one who have preceded them. Mrs. Lavender would reach the same goal by a dash straight across the country, saving half the time and distance, and by her gallant and unique style, set aside the ordinary rules of criticism, carry every thing before her:-" ferat palmam qui meruit." Under dif- ferent circumstances, Mrs. L. would have been a matchless Di Vernon. She has all the talent, beauty, and resolution to make a regular rural dare-devil, that would have excelled in the steeple chase and kindred sports, which, to this day, have their devotees among the bright-faced ladies of our dear mother Britannia. If the principles of Bloomerism did not involve so many points at war with true delicacy and refine- ment, I could easily conceive what an irresistible disciple Mrs. Lavender would make. As it is, could she be induced to do anything in such bad taste (which is quite impossible,) as to adopt this system, and. ome out en pantelottes, think of the thousands who would be glad to be proselyted by page: 122-123[View Page 122-123] 122 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, such a charmer. But the formal, unbending dynasty that of reigns like a despot in this big village of ours, is no place P' for tolerating anything of that kind. The loftiest, yea, the peerless Mrs. Lavender herself, must, like St. John, cry out that "one cometh who is greater" than her, even FASH- ION, that potent Pythoness, who dispenseth to the faithful in her ranks, the orders that may not be disregarded with impunity. If our heroine stands in awe of nothing else, she certainly, for some reason, fails not in allegiance to the imr. perious exactions of this modern -Cleopatra. Mrs. Lavender I can't be gossiped out of fancies; but the force of education, in compelling her to subscribe to Fashion's formulary, is but t another illustration of the inconsistencies in human reason. i As a people advance in age and civilization, the bonds of their peculiar usages are extended and riveted, till the whole structure is confined in adamantine chains, that shall likely survive the political code which sways the whole. So much is said and preached in the present day of the instability of governments, (a truism so plain, tlat " he who runs may read") and so little consideration seems attached to the ele- mentary principles of society, that philanthropy might be worse employed than in diverting the propositions of gene- ral amelioration from their stereotype channels, into such as may chance to lead to more successful results. Take the example of any nation on the civilized globe, and trace its history to where it fades in the dim and imperfect light of tradition, and we shall find with its descendants ofttimes no data of apolitical system, but ever, (no matter how modified by the anarchism of Time,) retaining the primary character GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 123 f its social nationality! Habits of thought, and the intense passion of a ruling pride, are as hereditary as language, which, though shorn of pristine purity, and sunk to a wretched patois, will still afford the curious philologist a clue to derivation. . ... . . . . . In respect to Mrs. Lavender's dinners, they may be pro- tounced unexceptionable. She of course presides, for it is aot her province to be anywhere save at the head. At the hot, as vice president, sits the next in command, (not Mr. Lavender, of whom no notice has as yet been taken, out of consideration to his wife's feelings) a sort of feminine Secre- tary of State, the sister of mine hostess, rejoicing, mid a pro- fusion of smiles, under the soubriquet of Mrs. Hoories. Mrs. Hoories, as her name would indicate, is a funny woman, of im- mense attractions-a fac-simile, in purest plaster, of Mrs. L. -with great profusion of curls, and color, and a neck-"Ye gods! it doth amaze me." When these ladies sit down to din- ner, with eighteen feet of mahogany separating them, and a dozen of the most notable young scaramouches as company, I wonder if they ever recur to the time when, by the light of a 'farthing dip," they strained their visuals till the small hours, to fulfil an engagement with "The Ladies' Depositary." Un- prejudiced persons would hardly think that such matters ever mingled with their retrospect. It is said that during the late cramp and panic in the money market, Mrs. Lavender's house suddenly found itself obliged to suspend; a friend, on hearing this, came forward to offer his condolements, and express his sympathy; "D-- your sympathy," replies tlhe "firm," "if we owe you anything, bring on your ac- page: 124-125[View Page 124-125] 124 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, counts!!"Thus have we a key, unexpectedly furnished us, wherewith to guide our investigations among the laby. rinths of Wall Street diplomacy!!! In having spoken of Mrs. Lavender's dinners, and her great ability in conducting and presiding over that popular species of domestic hospitality, we have done no more than simple justice requires. Every lady, it is expected (or at least hoped), should possess and practice some special virtue; by every lady, I mean every distinguished lady, as that term is understood at the present time. Shining lights, such as Mrs. L. and others, who have served to illuminate these otherwise darkened pages, are expected very naturally to be the moral beacons of the age-lights placed upon high hills, "that they may be seen of all men." With people of lesser note, who have to struggle against the influences of an obscure position, and fight perpetually the tempta- tions that poverty creates, it is not so much to be expected that they shall astonish the world with public charities, or that they can afford to hire half a column of advertising in papers with the widest circulation, to announce that Mrs. , has founded an institution for the distribution of hot soup and cold potatoes, or that Mrs. , the wife of a highly benevolent gentleman, whose liberality (extrava- gance in his own establishment) is well known, has headed a subscription list to purchase red flannel shirts, with the liberal donation of $100.00. Charity, you know, should always commence at home, and therefore in the practice of this principle, Mrs. Lavender is beautiful in all the appoint- ments of her house, makes superb toilettes, has a choice box x GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 125 at the opera, drives to Stuart's with the full complement of outriders, half supports a certain vender of true paste and imitation pearls, gives numberless dinners (and such din- ner 1!), is consulted by the principal men-milliners before they publish the almanac of fashion, and yet after all these extraordinary drains on her private generosity, it is a positive fact, (attested by twenty-five boarders at the Irving -House, in Kossuth' hats) that on two separate occasions, (during days that were bright, and warm, and genial, such as the poor pray for) she gave two silver sixpences, in person, to the old woman who formerly sat so much on the outer steps of the "marble palace," without so much as waiting for the equivalent in peanuts. Query: Was not this really the "old woman who lived in her shoe "? Forlorn creature! I have missed her these wintry months, from familiar haunts. Perhaps the gentle summer winds, in kindly prescience, foreseeing that she might not abide another season of ice, wafted her weary being to a clime where storms and sor- rows enter not in; where youth may be unto her for ever; we fervently hope so. In speaking of this act of benevo- lence to Frank, the other day, and how trifling, after all, were the good offices necessary to make the poor happy, he took occasion to quote, (as I thought,) with most forcible felicity, Pope's celebrated lines: "Man wants but little here below, Nor wants that little 'long --" It was not important to our issues, that we should intro- duce Mr. Lavender in any other than a very informal man- ner. The ex stence of a husband not being material in this ne DUm page: 126-127[View Page 126-127] 126 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, instance to the lady, except as a mere matter of dimes, it would seem unnecessary to place his picture in juxtaposition. Neither is he a man to find fault with such an arrangement, being a pattern husband, who never finds fault, letting his wife do as she pleases in every respect, (which, by the by, is a way that most wives are hostile to!) Poor little man! what a " still, small voice" would be his, if ever raised in do. rmestic council; yea, a "I tempest in a teapot." Is it not strange, that a man who has taken a " bull by the horns,' or been in many a big " bear" fight, should feel himself un- able to take ground against a woman, strong only in the mysterious power which Nature has given her. The gen- tleman who has solved the problem of magnetic polarity, may, perhaps, explain the influences that attracted two such bodies as these. Imagine the consequences to the world and these two people, if Mr. L., instead of being led away by visions, "Like the celestial ladder seen By Jacob in his dream," he had remained bound up in the ethnicism of Wall street and its corruptions. After all, matrimony has affected his condition of mind and habit much less than hers. She had everything to gain and nothing to loose, unless it was all recollections of how she then lived-while he, having every- thing but domestic happiness, was disposed to put up every- thing to gain it, which of course he---did! There are shares in a certain stock about these days, in Mr. Laven- der's possession, that I think he would gladly throw in the market; and there are " fancy stocks" in which I believe GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 127 Mrs. Lavender would very gladly purchase shares. The par value of what Mr. I. would like to dispose of i.' not out of the guessing range of some shrewd speculators, wiho may have a little-of the 'same kind on hand themselves, and the kinds in which Madam's ambition would be gratified in having her capital invested, may possibly be suspected from the samples she keeps about her. Mrs. Lavender is a wo- man of sentiment; Mr. Lavender is a man of stocks; and therein lieth their differences, slight indeed, yet be they differences. ' The doom was written, the decree was past, Ere the foundation of the world was cast." 7 . ,' Q page: 128 (Illustration) -129[View Page 128 (Illustration) -129] A mornin-, reception ,It'NFig. I fats'. GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 129 CHAPTER XI. "Vivero si recte nescis, decede peritis. Lusisti satis, edisti satis atque bibisti: Tempus abire tibi est, 2d Epistle of Horace, liber 2d, lime 213. I do not know whether other people have thought of it, but the idea has often occurred to my mind, that some of us have fulfilled, or are. fulfilling our being more as vege- tables than as men or women. In this, I have no reference to such as from uncommon deficiency in brains, have been likened unto cabbages or clams; of the existence of these, no one, I take it, is skeptical, but the class I allude to, germi- nate like a blade of grass, are subject to the various laws of development, and in due time reach maturity, and there stop, evidently having accomplished the end and purposes for which they were created. Under this classification of human vegetables we are able to enumerate those who have (and very deservedly) obtained the credit of possessing consider- able cleverness; who, under a right system of education, might have gone on unimpeded in the courses of life's short cycle. "Thus far and no farther" are we allowed to convey our theories; for just at that culminating point, when we think the man is about to be invested with divinity, our men- tal glorification is, brought to a disagreeable close, by the s ) page: 130-131[View Page 130-131] 130 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, vision of an uninviting excavation called the Grave, into which our dear idol is unceremoniously tumbled. For more than eighteen hundred centuries there has been a great deal of pains taken to make men believe that life, its cause and end, were to be found in a book of traditions, but very little effort to impress the truth that the only possible Revelation is contained in the sealed volume of Death, a book which must ever (unless through some as yet undiscovered agency) baffle man's boasted prerogative, and leave him as far from facts as he is full of fancies! * * * ' * In looking at such a family as the Hats, I come to regard them as I do a fruit tree that has reached its maturity, or rather, that has some time passed it, and is scattering its rich yieldings to decay on earth's bosom, or showing, in such as its branches still retain, the shrivel and specks of incipient decay. The Hats have got their growth-a mushroom growth-have accomplished their destiny, such as it is, and now like the ripened fruit should be picked and put away, or buried up decently in some out of the way place. Ware- well (the wretch), told me the earlier bearings of this par- ticular tree were pretty handsomely "plucked," by those whose tastes run entirely on green fruits. "Arbor cog- noscitur a fructibus."-I consider the pattern of this family as the most striking in my gallery, and am conscious, pain- fully so, of my inability to offer anything but a most imper- fect and unartistic sketch of the original. With the previous subjects I did not feel this kind of restraint. On them I GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 131 worked with perfect freedom, knowing that a daub of tinsel here, or a patch of poor paint there, would do no great harm, provided the expression was preserved; but here my hand falters, for a splash would spoil all. It will not be within our limits to give each member of this most interesting family such extended, notice as their individual importance would seem to demand. There is not one that would not furnish ample material for many a finely written page. Let it suf- fice them and the curious public, that all of them who may not be particularly noticed, are altogether perfect and lovely to behold; that the twain graces of the respected authors of their being have indeed fallen upon worthy " chips of the old block." We have to do more particularlyl with the distin- guished representative of the maternal branch, in whose per- sonal attributes ai'e blended a majority of those distinguishing characteristics, woven so deeply in the bright Brussels pattern of what is known both to strangers and natives as the monied aristocracy-an aristocracy of houses and splendid carriages, of large diamonds and small dogs; or in other words, that class of the elite whom all the hotel jehus are perfectly well acquainted with, and whom they point out as lionesses to visitors who hire their services, in order to see what is vul- garly termed the "elephant." There is nothing like the magic of money-and an extra fifty cents occasionally be- stowed on discriminating and communicative hackmen, is supposed to be not precisely the worst way to obtain the donor a reputation for extraordinary liberality, and perhaps other things equally flattering. I mention this en passant, "5 page: 132-133[View Page 132-133] 132 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, for the edification of those who likely have been puzzled and astonished at the inscrutable publicity attained by sundry private characters. Fashionable notoriety is sometimes only obtained at a fearful expense, rendering thereby the severest economy in certain small but important matters absolutely necessary: pour exemptle, if the amount of subscription and the name of the subscriber for the erection of -- Church, is to be published in the evening and morning papers, a five hundred dollar bill will reach far beyond the walls of the sacred edificei but for a starving family that five shillings would relieve from disease, perhaps from death-why, such matters should be the care of paid philanthropists! What return for charity directed to such objects? - Mrs. Hats is one of the rarest of the rare. A proximity to her person cannot but impress you with her very remarkable endowments. It is not merely her beauty, or manner (the former has been, the latter continues to be striking,) that assures one of this fact on first acquaintance; but there is that in the words that drop from her mouth, be they on ever so common place subjects, that bespeak the essential character of the woman. Every thing about her is a coup-d'oeil. She actually reeks wMth fashion, from the ribbons on her head to the rosettes on her slippers. Beck & Stuart have here a liv- ing advertisement of their rarest silks and laces, while Ball, and his brother Vender Tiffany, can well afford their gorge- ous bijouterie at cost, when lent to the adornment of so con- spicuous a personage. Of course there is nothing about her outfit that is not expensively luxurious; but no matter what GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOI. 133 the simplicity of her toilette, how dead the silk gloss, how lack-lustre the precious stones and metals, no one seems dis- posed to file a bill of exception, or indeed to hazard the pos- sibility that "all is not, gold that glitters." Let any other lady be caught with a suspicious bracelet, or a dubious neck- lace, and her equivocal pretensions would soon be brought to the bull-ring of feminine assayers, who forming themselves into a Jury on Gems, would award a verdict that would gal- vanize the reputation of the innovator for the rest of her natural life. Women call conventions, and get up a fearful tirade about the infringement of their rights by men; when if they would only stop clapper-clawing one another, and leave off their infernal gossipping, they would find themselves not only infinitely happier in all the relations of life, but the imaginary necessity of convoking fanatical caucuses, for the purpose of making fools of themselves gratuitously, altogether done away with. Woman sways the world quite /enough to satisfy even inordinate vanity and ambition, and the majority of men, in civilized countries, are not dis- posed to shackle any freedom proper to the sex. There is no power more omnipotent than that which is vested in the adorable majesty of a good and beautiful woman. No mat- ter how wild and extravagant men become in their mania about Liberty, or how fast, by mistaking unrestrained licence for constitutional freedom, they may be declining to a fatal anarchy, there is yet no murmur of dissent at the mild conser- vativeism of the "weaker vessel," no conspiracies to dethrone the gentle incumbent of so dear a despotism. page: 134-135[View Page 134-135] 134: NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, In respect to wearing imitation ornaments, there can be little objection offered, since it is in strict consonance with the pseudo principles, upon which our immaculate classes are based. But when it comes to the matter of imitations of pure morals, and pure English, we do not feel called upon to endorse so unqualifiedly. If people have a fancy to indulge in the economy of stained glass, or highly refined paste, it being entirely a matter of taste, so innocent a gratification ought never to be refused; but when they wish to trespass on the domains of certain cardinal virtues, or sinfully neglect the codes of Johnson and Murray, the affair assumes an elemen- tary importance, that calls for rebuke from all who are satisfied with the administration of affairs under the long existing system, and who have no desire to see Socinanism, or Greeleyism, or the like horrible monstrosities, creeping in like incendiaries, to light their unholy fires on household altars. If the regime adopted by Mrs. Hats (copied from a transatlan- tic modeD, and followed by sundry others, lacking originality to strike out for themselves, should be unfortunate enough to gain a general concurrence, there would be in a short time no more naturality in Virtue, than there now is in Music; and but for geographical demarcation and the star spangled ban- ner, strangers would be unable to decide whether they had fallen among the French, the Turks, the Spaniards, the Mor- mons, or perhaps in a nest to which a bird from each of those nations had brought a feather. Mrs. Hats possesses neither civil or political patriotism; the luxuriant but sensitive plants she unearthed in the softer GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 135 climates of the far East, to stock the genial vine-yards of her own heart, did not take kindly to the chill soil of republicanism. Her style is essentially oriental, modified of course, by certain necessary conventionalisms. Her habits of life, and tastes as shown in trifles, partake unmistakably of "Araby the land of the blest." You would suppose from her appearance, that like some of the Eastern ladies, she never went "uncovered." The pallor of her face is like that of vegetation, that has been entirely deprived of light; I should say her natural complexion, which probably very few can know any thing about. On this point I question whether her husband's know- ledge goes any further than yours, good reader, or mine. But those lady's maids, when they have a break with' their mis- tress, do tell such stories! It is " positively shocking," dread- ful to think of. Ergo, never get "out" with those sort of people if you can help it. It's a dangerous and poor plan to make confidantes of them any how; but sometimes they find out in unguarded movements, a little too much, and then the only thing left is to buy 'em over by telling the whole. If one of them will leave, better secure her with a pound, even if obliged to save on the pennies afterwards. My chamber- maid is faithful, ever by my side, and with a transparent can- dor that enables one to" see through her at a glance." I pray no one to think hard of me for this singular intimacy with my handmaiden, who after all is nothing more nor less than a very platonic telescope, as vide plate of the author's apart- ments at the commencement of the book. Whether she is Mahomedan in faith, is more than I will take upon me to say page: 136-137[View Page 136-137] 136 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, but if she has set her heart on a material Heaven, she is prob. ably as near Paradise as she ever will be. Perhaps Mrs. H. got her notions in Calabria itself, where the doctrines and sys- tem Sybaritical ought to be understood, if they are ally- where. The book-sellers are waiting with no little impatience, the personal memoirs of this lady; and as to the Public, it would be unnecessary to say that they look for such an event with much interest. Her experiences in both hemispheres would be the very thing we want now. The Eastern world, if subjected to the political deluge which now impends, will almost lose its identity; and the next generation would there- fore be particularly benefited by a history of those interesting countries, before volcanic fires shall have destroyed, or black- ened the features of itg ancient face. Py the way, 0O tells me she did write some very admired letters about the places we are speaking of. But she was a younger woman then; and though her descriptions of scenery may have been fresher, there was yet lacking the opportunity of offering comparative views, such as she might now, after having studied our insti- tutions properly. I have been told that Mrs. H's. adventures abroad border very closely on the marvellous; that her acquaintance with Emirs, Sultans, and Grand Turks, has been of the most remarkable nature; that the effect of her dazzling beauty upon the simple-minded Arabs of the Desert, was suclhas to produce a voluntary homage little short of idolatry; that had she accepted a moiety of tie superb Cashmeres, jewelled crosses and daggers, and a thousand other of the ornate and GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 137 beautiful subjects of Oriental ingenuity, she would have suf- ficient to realize a handsome fortune, independently of the vast income secured by a monopoly in hat-trimmings. There is an unswerving placidity in her manner, which could only have been obtained by one who had endeavored to find a model in studying the smooth and piqued majesty of the Egyptian Pyramids. There is a benignity that seems to be always apostrophizing itself, by saying, " is there any possi- bility of people mistaking this air of classical repose for a want of vitality in the arterial circulation?" or, " am I not old enough to be well satisfied that no miserable, splenetic indivi- dual would ever care to trouble' himself about my real ex- traction, when he sees so much benignity, so much conde- scension, and a mind so easily oblivious of te past?" Dear, candid, confessing creature that she is! How edifying is this humiliation in "purple and fine linen ;" how ever to be admired this self depreciation in the chair of state! Is not the meekness and suffering of these human demi-gods worthy of emulation? Is it not a blessed condition of things, that we human cats are allowed to gaze with satisfaction on the kings and queens of fashion?-that although we are not permitted to test our buoyancy in the sparkling stream, we may yet from the bank side feast ofu eyes on the " apples" that float thereon? How happy those who with calm restraint can watch the venturing crowd that are dashing mid whirling eddies adown the stream of life; entering into the interests of each struggler without feeling a temptation to make one of the eager throng? Bravo! bravo! 8* page: 138-139[View Page 138-139] 138 ,NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OIR What a broad field is open in our days to the daring aspi- rant! Of course money is all necessary, if the aim is for something extra-distinguished; but we have known smaller pretensions and slenderer purses succeed equally well. Half the battle is not -to be, but to seem to be : if you have no basis for your superstructure, tax your imagination, which, after a little proper cultivation and discipline, will prove tractable and accommodating to the last degree, making you possessor in fee of so many blocks of brown stone houses, all castles in the air. If imagination does not prove sufficiently substan- tial, why, enter the list in gauds and trinkets: never be dis- heartened by false modesty, that enemy of the aspiring heart. Perhaps you are too poor to give entertainments; well, then, go to entertainments. If driving or riding is too expensive, go up and down in omnibuses, and jump into the carriage of a friend: no matter whether he looks pleased; you are, and that is the most important. If yatching is the order of the day, why of course a poor man can't give it a thought; so do as they who ". -hire a sculler, and when once aboard Grow sick, and damn the climate like a Lord." Only have enough impudence and the deed is half accom- plished, It will be an imposing encyclopedia (this impu- dence), which will be accepted as a substitute for most any and everything. If you find it impossible to go on without assistance, take the cue from some one who started just as low down as you, but who has gone straight forward, with an eye singld to his maik, upl-ul -up, like the eagleto GEMS OF JAPONIOA-DOM. 139 Iis eyrie. What would the Hats have done, and where would they have been now, had they allowed the circum- stances of an humble origin, that "pons asinorum," to be an obstacle to their progress? Who would have helped them, if they had not helped themselves? and I am yet to learn that we are living in an age when a man may expect any assistance save that which he finds in the brave purpose of his own strong heart. What superb imitations of sympa- thy the world is constantly getting up; and how easy to ob- tain it in exchange for gold! but tell 'u, O thou inscrutablo (Edipus, Human Nature! how may we secure, for a solace in this woe-laden pilgrimage, one sincerely honest heart, that shall throb in unison with our own, while both "Like muffled drums are beating Funeral marches to the grave." It may have been a source of disappointment to some that Mr. Hats should not have come in for his share of the family biography. I should be sorry to displease any one about such a matter; but I think on second thoughts they will think with me, that any thing which I might offer concerning that individual, would be an act of supererogation, seeing that he is most emphatically one of the kind who " speak for them- selves," and whose great deeds are heralded in his own greater words. He is his own headstone (especially with a brick in his hat)-" (sui) monumentum aeris ;" and his im- mortal deeds are attested by the million tiles that cover' alike the heads of the illustrious and obscure. Genin is the only man that is likely ever to dispute the palmn of "fur and page: 140[View Page 140] "O NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, felt!"Genin, the renowned patron of Kossuth and Jenny Lind, the originator of the true--ccipital symmetry-may he, his bea- vers, and bounties, ever be continued to us! Two hundred years hence, the liberty caps which now adorn our flag staffs, may be ascribed to the patriotism of the united intellects of Genin and Hats! 4- page: Illustration-141[View Page Illustration-141] ==Comml ,?- Mrs. rlabhl, altlough absorbed in Mr. Howitzer. is not entirely mliConsiious of Fatillm's operations upon a gentleman who live- on thel interest of his money. SMiss -Mmky seems to have sulggested to a gentleman behind her (eliair soiieo of ' The uses of' beauty." ' ; GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 141 CHAPTER XII. Quid rides? mutato nomine de te Fabula narratur. First of Hor. Sat., Line 69. So you are the author of that celebrated and valuable work entitled "Condition of Crocodiles in the Nile, at high and low tides, by A. Howitzer"; well, that is amply suf- ficient: I feel authorized in saying that Mrs. Gabby will be delighted in having you introduced to her matin musical All literary gentlemen, especially young ones, and such as are supposed not to be sworn enemies of matrimony, are always most welcome at Old Frizzletop's soirees. "Old and young Frizzletop," is usually poetically substituted by the young men when they allude to the charming Gabby and daughter. How can they be regarded as otherwise than a pair of disinterested philanthropists, who seem to have been born for the particular purpose of making young men under- stand the vastly superior attractions of ladies' society over clubs and such like abandoned places! Isn't the old tabby's management quite as significant as if announced in so many words? and did you ever leave the society of her and her daughter without saying to yourself, if "virtue is its own reward," it's had to wait a devilish long time for it in this case? page: 142-143[View Page 142-143] "2 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, "Patience on a monument smiling at grief," is pretty good for expressing an ordinary serenity of the soul, but a very unequal symbol when applied to the resigned and desperate cheerfulness of this hopeful and enduring old lady. How' this excellent and energetic woman has labored and slaved for the temporal welfare of her dear offspring! and how conscientiously has she scratched over the barren soil in the vain pursuit of crumbs for this only chicken! Here is a lesson of perseverance that is worthy of being placed before the young. A person that has stuck to it for the last twenty-five years, intent on the sole object of promoting Miss. Fatima's interest-dressing her herself with a distress- ing exuberance-standing up in hot, crowded rooms, for hours at a time, till the beaded agony of rebellious bunions rolls from her false and foxy front-hanging out all sorts of signals of distress in hopes of calling attention, not so much to her own forlorn hulk, as to the unctuous offspring-losing her shoe, or dropping her handkerchief, as a dernier resort, or by some other innocent casualty, secure the chance of thanking the polite individual, and in that way keep him hooked for the time being, and perhaps retaining a perma- nent acquaintance, that may be induced to honor her delightful conversationales, in which the feast of reason is expected to be so bountiful as to preclude the necessity of any refieshments, save a very economical supply of lemonade and gingerbread; Mrs. G. thinks anything more substantial might, by monopolizing the gastric juices, produce an indi- gestion amongst her guests, and so dimi, perhaps, the bright O) GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 143 rays of some literary luminaries, Such is her philosophy of the human stomach at home. If we may believe Dr. Magpie, however, her devotion to the delicacies of the table in public does not tally precisely with home theories. Of one thing there is no doubt, and that is, that at the end of the table where she and her daughter are, the amount of business done is attested by the affidavit of more than one gentleman, whose undivided attentions seldom permit much opportunity for ministering to their own appetites. Mrs. Gabby's ruling passion is more, however, in her little reunions-quiet, cozy little gatherings, of masculine nota- bles of every description-all selected with a motherly sagacity, ever mindful of certain possible results that may arise from her darling's countless fascinations. Her invita- tions are regarded oft times as a species of " attachments," entrusted to "Brown " instead of the sheriff. The fortunate recipients of her pressing missives, feel that they are marked men, and are conscious that nothing is to be done but to summon up their self-possession and save themselves, if they can, from the dangers of the wily conspiracies that may be laid for their captivity. Old Frizzletop has no idea of asking any ladies to join in her festivities to destroy the unity of her household attractions. She has seen the calamities that spring from numbers in the softer sex; indeed I may say she has felt it, when in the gardens of Beauty she had to take her chicken and go to the wall. Of course she does not think that there is such a thing as other ladies being superior to her daughter in attractions; how could she page: 144-145[View Page 144-145] "4 NEW YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, think any thing so improbable as that; and therefore, the young gentlemen who appear to be very well pleased in other quarters, are commisserated by her as deficient in taste and cultivated appreciation. In thus keeping Miss Fatima as the sole centre of social attraction, she has been, is, and will probably continue to be, in hope that somebody or other will imagine they can't be entirely happy unless through the possession of Miss F. I have said that she excluded the "feminines ;" but in justice to this matronly speculator, I will give her the credit of the shrewdness dis- played in sending occasionally for Miss Mumpy to come round and help her entertain. Miss Mumpy is not, so far as ersonal attractions are concerned, a very dangerous lady- being a tough, dumpy, " double twist" little lady, in a dark skin and a black dress, who is very willing, for the sake of a cup of tea and a few seed cakes, to play the foil to her patroness's daughter, by helping her play duets, and showing by her well-affected stupidity, Miss Fatima's stupendous wit and intellectual vivacity. Besides, while the dear daughter is making herself destructive, under the curtain of couleur de rose, (a coup d'etat of mamma's contriving,) which serves the double purpose of bringing a tolerably white arm in gleam- ing bas-relief, and shading a very pustulous and oily com- plexion, Miss Mumpy takes her stand where she may be the focus of a bilious, concentrating light, and in-a noiseless and mouse-like manner, takes every method to make her murky little face look as bad and as black as possible. Many and many a Miss Mumpy there is, fulfilling the GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 145 same quiet, obscure kind of destiny; living as it were out of the world, and out of the world's knowledge. And how seldom are the cardinal virtues that' grace their character called out to receive even a slender acknowledgment! Their fate is akin to that which befalls hundreds of others, whose philanthropy the world has no hesitation to take advantage of, but for whichlt never feels under obligation. It has been reserved for Mrs. Gabby, to indicate the kind of prizes that young authors should strive for. All mothers must appreciate the measure, as one which appeals to their interest and sympathies in the strongest manner. Whether she will be able to carry her point, and make the rule uni- versal, remains somewhat- undecided, until we see what dis- position she will make in the case of her own bewitching heir. Her prospects, thus far, are not particularly flattering; but the well known perseverance with which she has, for so 'many years, followed her plan, may be the means of giving her, in the end, a complete and glorious success. If this de- sirable consummation ever does take place, all admirers of the meek and lowly virtues will hope and pray, that Miss Mum- py's humble instrumentality, may not go altogether unre- warded, and that Miss M. herself, may one day fall in with some one who may be proud of being the means of lifting her from obscurity, to a condition in which the practical goodness of her character, by an ampler sphere of action, may challenge the admiration it deserves. How is it, that so many are putting matrimonial advertisements in the pa- pers, when hundreds of good, domestic, benevolent ladies page: 146-147[View Page 146-147] "6 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, might be had for the asking, and whose qualifications to make a home delightful are a thousand per cent. above those who it seems are so difficult to obtain? The dear Fatima is, of course, taken through the rounds of summer campaigns, such a course having been prescribed as necessary for all our American ladies; necessary, on ac- count of the opportunity afforded to get up a false and dis- gusting notoriety, by showing an incongruous multitude, that a style of fancy ball dress, " commencing (as Talleyrand says), too late and ending too soon," may render certain charms piquant, which were very low down in the home market. From Barnum down, we see this same uncontrollable desire of men, either to deceive themselves or to be deceived by others. This is one of the horrible fatalities of our common nature, enough to make a man afraid of himself every hour in the day, knowing that he is carrying such a traitor in his own heart. In the name of all that is rational, what earthly motive can possess one to go to Saratoga or Newport, to bind himself blindfold to a bundle of damnable deception, in tau- dry silk and cotton lace? Why not make&his selection when he can find his subjects at home, where he can see them (sometimes at any rate) divested of tinsel and paint, and as nearly natural as it is possible for woman to be (articled as she is, from lisping time, to deception), and where his own judgment, uninfluenced by the jugglery of Gipsy hats, or the absorbing heresies of certain articles with a deep insertion of point d'arme lace, can exercise itself dispassionately? One word, ye chivalry of the South, with a pocket full of GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 147 rocks! Ye English cockneys, full of beef, ignorance and con- ceit, and foreigners generally, and natives, take heed; don't make fools of yourselves by wanting to marry these exciting specimens of the sex, because, for sooth, your .senses are sent spinning, when a tight gloved hand disposes (oh, how know- ingly)! just enough of flowing drapery to betray a tighter gaiter with a little heel, or a pink slipper with a big rosette. Forget, if you can, the gleaming curve of a lip that smiled only by accident; the blue of that tender eye, that seems unconciously rivetted upon your perfections; the flut- ter of that handkerchief, filling the atmosphere of its owner with an odor of the most delicate mille fleurs; the heavy silk that kept within its tenacious woof, the indescribable aroma that prevades the orbit of a revolving syren; forget all these things for you see them through a distempered me- dium: they are the merest bubbles, that will break in your face; the whole thing "An ' ignis fatuus,' that bewitches, And leads men into pools and ditches," and to numberless other conditions, where the fallacy that caused them, will be most painfully realized. Woman, no doubt, is a delightful hobby, but quite as well to be amused by at home, while you are unstrapped and in dressing-gown, as while drinking Congress water at crowded hotels, or surf- bathing at sandy seaports. The aperient character of Sara- toga and Sharon airs, contributes no doubt to the facility with which bodily absorption is performed; and nothing less sweep- ing or saline, than the douche bath of an ocean wave, could wash away the surfeit of silliness, which is there induced. page: 148-149[View Page 148-149] "8 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, There are many ladies, who like our Fatima, have made. calculations on imposing their antiquities on travelling green- horns, but have never been able to make it go. Somehow, I am inclined to think that the secret has got out that water- ing places are great traps to " catch gudgeons," or else that mamas have given their youngsters a bit of warning against the dangers incidental to summer sojourning, reminded per- haps by Mr. Longon's experience, that fatal summer, he made his appearance at Newport. Mr. Longon (whose acquaint- ance, the reader should have had an opportunity of making long before this), is a very ductile mass of humanity, as was proven, by the easy manner in which he was led off by a halter, in the hand of one of the Fustian ladies, who had long been kept back to concentrate her chicanery on this " linked sweetness long drawn out." Poor fellow, he submitted to his destiny as to an inevitable fate. A certain other young gen- tleman was found more fractious; and though at one time fairly noosed, slipped his collar, and broke for cover in good earnest. Be sure he had more brains than Longon; and the best judges are of the opinion now, that Ehe did the whole thing just for " flyer," he being given occasinally to that in- nocent recreation. There was Theocritus Krimble, told my friend O that one of these dear, undesigning ladies, knowing him to be a stranger to their duplicities, act- ually made demonstration on him. From the account given, it is fair to infer, that before they got through, it oc- curred to 'them, that there was one Mr. Krimble, who occa- sionally " knew a hawk from a handsaw," their united efforts GEMS OF JAPONICA-DOM. 149 to the contrary notwithstanding. People should not under- take to play "Delilah," unless they have Delilah's beauty! Theocritus, though not indigenous to Gotham, is like to prove a very prominent and desirable adjunct to upper- tendom. His residence will be the means of bringing a new genus into the walks of fashion. Hitherto, the miserable poodles who have aspired to celebrity by a wishy-washy style of dandyism, have only brought contempt and ridicule upon their efforts at refined elegance in sentiment, address, or apparel; but if Theocritus will only continue under the pres- tige that nature has evidently designed. for him, his fine per- son and gentlemanly qualities of heart, may place him in the front rank of modern Brummels. My artist, I see, has intro- duced him hat in hand, with an elbow resting on the pier table, in the cut illustrating a morning reception at Mrs. Hats's. He is evidently wondering at what part of evidence in the late trial Mrs. H. is being interrupted by an illustrious sop, who, unable to comprehend the vast influence of the morning paper she is holding in her hands, is inquiring whether she does not ever read the abolition doctrines and disgusting agrarianism of certain other journals. Be it said to her credit that the idea is indignantly repudiated. So watchful an old crocodile as Mrs. Gabby was not likely to overlook the advantages presented in the person of Mr. Kiimble, upon whose sensibilities she calculated to operate by one of those masterly movements in pathetic diplomacy, for which she has made herself eminent. I am inclined to think that she missed her figure in this affair, very badly page: 150-151[View Page 150-151] 150 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRACY; OR, indeed. Mr. Theocritus having been abroad, is not the most likely person to be caught napping. It is a well known fact that little reverses of this nature have but small effect upon the cast iron character of Mrs. G's. fortitude. She has ex- perienced those sort of disheartening deplumations so many times, as to look on each such misfortune, as but another step towards acquiring the martyr's crown. Some people never break down under adversity, but dike iron that grows harder by successive fires) bear up on some unknown principle, until they become indurated saints, or moral ossifications. If Old Gabby keeps on facing ill luck with the same Christian hardihood, she will rank among the first of living martyrs. Fatima stands it remarkably well also; probably she has a little of the hereditary warhorse about her. She maintains her bulk, and with first rate prospects of "more a comin." You see them at parties always presenting the same undaunted front, never faint hearted, and just as cheerful in their neg- lect, as if they were the cynosure of attraction. I should like, had I the space to give my readers an insight to the pri- vate opinions of this critical duo, upon certain persons and families who pretend to look down on them. How they would like to give the imperial Howlers a small dig, on their being in direct descent from a cabin boy! how they would enjoy cracking their whip over the Primmin family, whose reputation was gained from a splendid fellow on the box! and how they would rejoice in being allowed to tell that numer- ous family, the Shavers (who think in their immaculate conceit, that they are verily the salt of the earth, the elect of GEMS OF JAPON1CA-DOM. 151 both worlds), that they know who built their old country house, as well as that the struggle which gave our country her independence gave birth, at the'same time, to a good patriot, and a better carpenter. But I am reminded that the limits allotted to this form of publication, like time and tide, wait for no man. * * * There remains for me the unsatisfactory duty of closing these sketches, with this number. It had been my intention to have introduced many other studies from similar subjects, equally worthy of presen- tation to the enlightened apprehensions of our wonder loving, and astonished citizens; but the execution of such a plan would have imposed (from the infinite shades and gradations of the so-called exclusives) the necessity of going to an extent and detail in statements that had little to do with the original intention of this work, which certainly aimed more at tran- scribing the few characters, who .have, and are trying to "set the North river on fire," than of taking up fashionable gen- ealogy with the idea of making myself either the subject of a vote of thanks, or an object of tender solicitude with those who expect thereby the foundation of their own fame and fortunes. Since the commencement of these sketches, the author could not (even in an almost entire seclusion from the world) well have avoided certain rumors that were rife, to the effect that their personal character has been satisfactorily established. If people will take up stray ends of expressions or technical allusions, and make an imaginary application, why of course, I sh1ll not try and prevent them. If this extreme sensitiveness could be kept for other occasions, some portions page: 152-153[View Page 152-153] 152 NEW-YORK ARISTOCRA CY. of the community would not have to blush for the other as often as they do. The author thinking (perhaps with van. ity), that liAs patrons would feel some curiosity to see his like ness, has so far overcome the dissuading of his natural modes. ty, as to allow its striking truthfulness and bed- ; to grace the title page in the bound numbers: To those who are rendered for ever celebrated, as the subjects of these humble efforts, I would address myself (with the substitution of one word in our vernacular) in the language of Ovid: "Jarnque (Aristocracy) exegi, quod nee Jovis ira, nee ignis, Nee poterit ferrum, nee edax abolere vetustas." And now, like a poor fellow under the gallows, who is allowed as a particular favor, to express himself before the fatal cap is drawn, I have but a few words to add, and those only by way of apology for sundry typographical errors, that at any rate do not increase the beauty of my work. An extra page or so of "ErrTata," would have set all right, but I have concluded to let the, critical reader rectify the mistakes as lie meets them, for they were all the devils fault, not mine, and I don't fancy interfering further in a matter where that gen. tlemen is concerned.
