Adventures of one Terence McGrant ...
page: 0Advertisement (TitlePage) [View Page 0Advertisement (TitlePage) ]THE NEW-YORK DEMOCRAT. DAILY EDITION, SIX DOLLARS A YEAR. WEEKLY EDITION, ONE DOLLAR AND TWENTY-FIVE CENTS A YEAR. PUBLICATION OFFICE, 166 NASSAU TBEET, SEW-YOEK ADVENTURES OF ONE TERENCE McGRANT. A BREVET IRISH COUSIN OF PRESIDENT ULISSIE S. GRANT, WHO GBADUATED FROM A WESTERN POOR-HOtJSE-TEBIENC DID, NcT ULISSES--AND WHO HAS BEEN HAV- INO CONSIDERABLE TROUBLE ABOUT GETTING - PROPERLY* I 6EITTiD -- INTO A- PAYING OFICE, NOTWITISTANDING HS BELATIONSHP, AS WILL BE B EEN BY A CAREFUL PERUAL OF THESE PAGES. - CONTAINS LETTERS FROM TH SEA- SIDE, ENTERTAINING READINGO FOR THE FIRE- SIDE, AND INVALUABLE INFORMATION ,FOR THB SUICIDE.' BY GEORGE W. PECK. WITH HUMOROUS ILLUSTRATIONS BY H. L. STEPHENS. NEW-YORK: JAMES H. LAMBERT. PUBLISHER, 166 NASSAU STREET. 1871. page: 0[View Page 0] Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1871, by GEORGE W. PECK, in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. ME CELEBRATED WIE, BRIDGET McGRANT, BVT FOR THE EzROR F0 BEIN BORN A WOM, WOLDO W HOYE BEIV WON 01p TE GREATESHT o0 LIVIG STATESMENt, A"N .O . . A IT 168, En A MOIGITY DEAL TO BAT ONY WAY, A.4 'D WO, I X DrDICATED THS BOOK TO ON' BODY EZLB, WOutLD BE ATItE! BATING ME TO ME HAIRT'S CONTINT, AND MY BE SHE VIM ONY WAY, THS1 BOOK 18 3 OS1T TBES lPECTPULLY DIDICATED ox THE AVT08B, TEIB'BCJB MCGRANT. page: 0[View Page 0] PREFACE. IN the year 1868, the perpetrator of these letters was publish- ing a paper called the kJioftref at Ripon, Wisconsin, and, at that time, was just as innocent of any intention to inflict a book on a too' much booked public as the child unborn, and the weary reader must look for redress, if he sustains any damage in reading this book, to some one else, as the author washes his hands of all responsibility in the matter. This is how it come about: At the time President Grant appointed the first regiment, or sucd a matter, of his relatives to office, the people of the West begun to notice that there were a great many relatives that year. In fact, it seemed as if you couldn't make a noise in the woods anywhere without scaring one out. There was occasionally a man that made some sarcastic remark about it; and finally, one James O'Reiley, a fine old Irish gentleman, of that locality, came to townvon St. Patrick's day, and, after getting in a quan. tity of corn extract, became hilarious, and announced it as his intention of proceeding to Washington, claiming to be a cousin of the President, and get his regular post-office. The idea was so ludicrous that the country editor went to his office, and " set up the letter that appears first in this book, which, happening to arrest the eye of Mr. M. M. Pomeroy, that gentleman enr -gaged the riter to contribute to his paper, Pomeroy sDemocrat. These letters appeared originally in Mr. Pomeroy's papers, and are republished by his kindness. It seems to be no more than fair to warn the public that enough letters are retained to make another book of the size of this, ad if great care is not exercised about purchasing this, an- other will be forthcoming at no distant day, and there is no hkne where Uti thing will end. TERENCE McGRANT. L WAHSINGTON, D. C., (whichi manes divilish costive,) May wan, '6ty9. HE HONEY: I expected to have writ yez before this, but I exparianced great throuble in getting a shtamp for- the letther. Yez wud no doubt think it an aisy matther. ,t get a shtamp in this city, where so many are made, but yez are grane in diplomatic matters. I have, however,. com- plated negotiations wid a newly aqppointefd famail poshtmastress from Massachusetts, :who . - furnishes me-wid the little things, ard yez will be afther haring from me ofthen. On me thrip here, I got through Chiago widout a scratch. 'Tis thrue I was garrote on- Clark strate bridge, and r'e funds :ob , . * \ page: 8-9[View Page 8-9] 8 TRENCE -GCRANT. up -be the b'ys; and I was picked up by an owld blizzard on the strate, who shtole me watch; and a hotel porter borrowed me bag- gage, which he neglected to return; but no gintleman wud mind such thrifles, when he is able to congratulate himself on getting through that place alive. Me health has bin illegant, wid the exciption of five days, whin I worked in Balthimore pounding shtone, having been arristed as a vagrant. The pass yez give me tuck me till Balthimore, where me communi- cations were cut off; hince me arrist. Afther working five days, I incidentally mentioned me relationship to the President, whin a large- hairted, influential citizen of Baltimore, be -the name of Plug Ugly, caused me relase, -and tuk me to Washington wid his own convey- ance, for which act of patriotism he desires me' to indorse him -for the office of fish in- spector at Winneconne. Xot wishing to dis- turb me relative at a late hour, me Baltimore rilend tuk me to a tavern kept be a country- an an of mine, Misther O'Willard. ; Right here I Wud impriss upon yer mind h EXPLAINS fIS AXE. 8 one thing. Hinceafther me name is Terence O'Grant, insthead of McGrant, for obvious raisons. I learned from a highly intelligent and reliable d-d nager, who has filled the position of champaign-opener at the White House since the inauguration, that the mare mention of "Mc" throws the Prisident into a cold shweat, when he raves and shwares in a terrible manner. Though I'm afther dislik- ing the idea of sailing under false colors, I thrust I have patriotism enough about me to make any reasonable sacrifice for the com- fort of the Prisident. As me chances for a position would be ruined by the too free use of the Me, yez will do me a great favor by addressing me as Misther O'Grant. Before spakeing of me first interview wid me illustrious relative, I'll be afther givin a bit of advice to members of our family who may come here for-rthat is, on family busi- ness. Be careful in yer inthercourse wid the Africans. - Ye must show thim grate respect. I was nare ruining me prospects by practic- ing one o' me ould thricks. As I was just page: 10-11[View Page 10-11] 10 T MSjE s AfsNT. about to open the door of the presidential man- sion, a gorgeously. dressed buck nager, wid white kid gloves, and perfumed like a Night Blooming Tannery, run full in me face. Fot did I dot I guv him the divil's own belt ontil the nose, when he tuk me for the Ku Klux, got upon his knees, and said if I'd spare his life he'd lave the counthry be the first boat. I found to me surprise that he was a dishtant cousin to meself and the President, and that he had that moment recaved his cer- tificate of relationship in the shape of a pa- per that tuk him to Libaria. I'm some like the man who dare not strike a child in 'the street for fear he'll hit one of his own. Well, yez are no doubt anxious to hare how me mission terminated. Arrah, sir, our star is intil the asscendant. - ip I Rah for Ulis I Excuse me, for dhis outhurst of faleing, and lishten to me wape tares of- jy. After forgiving the nager for running agin me fisht, I stepped intil a room where the th!eshold wa- badly worn, and fouifd a num- ber of men sitting around a table, which look- } / Blow ins WAsSsXCsi D. ll . ed ivery bit lik a mateing -of a common coun- oil; passing a dog ordinance. At the head of the table sat me brave relative, as sober as -a shoemaker. It was all I kud do to kape from throwing meself upon his nick, and givig him the 'divil's own kiss for his mother; but I re- strained me emotion. As I was about to take a rocking-chair, a little gintleman rose, and addressed me affectionately in the language following: "Ye cussed, red-mouthed, bog-trottin' son of a Fanian, what in blue blazes do you want!" I see it wasn't a prayer mateing I wuz in, and knowing the gintleman's name, I '" rais- ed" him, as follows: "Ye dirty blaggard of a Massachusett's Hoore, wud yez be afther addressing a mem- ber of the Grant family in that mannerI (Sinsation.) What I want: is no business of yours; but to these other giftlemen I will say, that ony thing,+ from 'a consulship -down to a post-office, will be thankfully rebaved be your ; affectionate icond. -onouin,- TAr O'arcat!"I page: 12 (Illustration) [View Page 12 (Illustration) ] 12 TKRSENCE ffoARVT'. \ 'Twould have been worth a year's subscrip tion, 'to your paper; could you have sane brave Ulysises press. the undersigned to his aching breast. - Begorra, Teddy," says he, "I was afraid you wiouldn't come." "Divil the fear," says I. Then he turned to a clerk, and with a gintle -wave of his coat-tail, sez he, "Make out a commission for Mishter O'- Grant, as Minister to--" Mr. Editor, as me" timie is considerably oc- cupied, I shall haive to close. Yez'will hare from me again directly. As I'm a 1ister, I will subscribe meself,; REV. TjBOE O'GRBAT. P. S.-Plase see the Poor Commissioner, get me wife, Bridget O'Grant, and send her to Washington be express, a. O. D. Direct as follows: "U. S. Grant, Washington, D. C: This side up. Handle wid care. Kape dry." I'U be there. T. O'G. Z YIII I -- ' E'ri . , The first meeting of Terence and his cousin TUlisses, a'fter Misses was elected President. M19,9e.-IBegorra, Teddy, I was afraid you wouldn't come." Terence.-ID'vil the fear." (P. 12.) i; / , C",- ..TM- ---.; Ulisssw lce Peidet {7lse.,Bra ey a fai d o oldntcm. 7'rne."ii h er"(.1. page: -13[View Page -13] HE I8 A BTrATIE OF UILYSSES-BEOMES A CORRESPONDENT OF THE DEMOCRAT, AND TEl; ABOUT WASHNGTON. WASHNGTON, Di. ., June wan, '69: Mtstrue Poxrm : Ye mind the time yez axed me wud I be afther writing a bit for your NTew York paper. I accipt the prbposition, in case me dear relative, Ulisses, don't sarve an injunc tion ontil me, to'ristrain me from consummating the rooin of our family, commenced not malny months since, with suci illigant praspects0f of success, be the head of our family, Hon. Jesse :: Grant, P M. I had a long talk wid :Cousin- i : 'Misses on the subject, and he used all his pe- 6 -," '.suasive powers, both oral and fluid, to kape 'e ":'r. "from joining the army of d-d . '"G'S 'i-,' ,'. blers, as he is plazed to call those ofour ot :y . :ly "who have an idea of turning an honest pi"ay page: 14-15[View Page 14-15] oitsiide f ther'egutarbeaten Repiublicn chin- nel, that of office and stalings; but I silenced him by advancing the idea that I could work min an occasional favorable notice for the Grant family inter your widely circulated and influen- tial shate, and finally I brought him to his milk by promising to divide the money I obtained for me services on Pomeroy's Democrat. I think the thing will be all right if ye kape yer paper away from the White House; and whin ye send me a copy, send it in care of Ben But- ler, who will take care to deliver it to me. I closed me last letther on the point of receiv- ing a commission aS minister to some foreign country, but it is not yet decided what place. The-commission is all made out, wid the excep- tion of inserting the name of the place to which I am to go. -Bug Gota has been suggested as a good point; but when I axed me cousini where the devil Bug Gota was, he said he couldn't be positive: it might be in New-Jersey, and he would be afther axin' Borie. But it is moity pleasant to luk at the- commission, as it lays outil the table, wid the big sale on the lower. i An's WJr2E lRmff. . 15 left hand corner, like e' Herrick' plaster on the back of a Digger Indian. I got a glance at the heading, as the back of' Cousin Ulysses was turned to taste a bit of stimulant sint to him be a whisky inspector of Ohio. "Know all-men be these presents." Divil the present didti ever Mnake till him, but it is not me placeto on- deceave him, if he is laboring under that im- pression. Since me Cousin Ulysses has had an interview wid Gineral McClellan, he is not so violently opposed to the word "Me," and he axed me why I changed me name to O'Grant. I told him it was out of respect to his faleings; when he burst intil a violent fit of wapeing, and as he raised his handkerchief to his hollyhock nose, ordered me to resume me original title, which is Terence McGrant, at yer service. This is welcome news to me wife, Bridget McGrant, who arrived here be express from the poor-house in Fond du Lac County, Wisconsin, on the 29th of last month. She has more pride about her than ony member of our family with which I have yet comeid a contact, which ismper- i-- page: 16-17[View Page 16-17] 16 .' T e sNOaS MRANT* haps accounted for be the fact that before her marriage wid meself her name was Bridget O'Dent, and she thinks she is a relative of the ,other branch of the family. The President was much pleased to see Bridget, as I had reminded him of the many times which she had been after mixing him a whisky straight, after a hard day's work at the ould tannery in Gelany. Many's the time he's put his arm around her waist and give her a hearty kiss, saying, "Brid- get, me darlint, Teddy is a lucky divil that he met ye and loved ye before I saw ye. I should have froze to ye like a duck to a June bug." And I belave he would, although I am honest, in the belafe that in all the years he has been intimate in our family that he has never had ony MTissit intercourse wid me wife, which is more than can be said of other families I could mintion. Pinding ime nomination and confirmation as minister, which may be some months, me Cousin Ulissus wishes me to stay wid 'him as a gineral adviser and the like. Me jooties will consist in part of answering letters received from various F aVDftRN TASy^S. 17 parts of the country from parties who suppose themselves to be in some way connected wid onr family. The letters average about; fifty per day, asking questions on the subject. Some of them are ridiculous. I have one before me now, from a man in Madison, Indiana, who signs himself Ole Grantson, evidently a Norwe- gian, who is positive that he'is one of us. Now it is my business to nip the aspirations of -the white-haired cuss in the bud, which I shall do be a stroke of me diplomatic pen. The same will be the case wid Hans Yon Grant, of Cin- cinnati, who asks for a consulship to Sharmany on the Rhine. There must be a dividing line somewhere. It is me private opinion that we are about to have a row in the cabinet. Every move that our honorable President makes strengthens me in that belafe. However, there is one thing mighty sure-it can't be made ony worse. I'll kape yez posted as to the sacret workings of the affair. It'll be an occasion on which I shall feel like taking a wee drap of the crayther, when 7 ould -oore is ousted--the ould divil I page: 18-19[View Page 18-19] 183 T / ?;J: t iR *e- X*.*" Bridget and meself intil his house until me con- firmation be the Senate, which will be a mighty saving job to us. S I am invited out to a reciption to-night, so II wil .be obliged to close this letther in order to have time to look about a bit for some funds. Honesty is the best policy, especially when a man first starts out in politics. The top of the morning to ye. TERaNCE MCGRANT. P. S.--Nixt wake I'll give yez a bit of a shin- dy-on the subject of an ould-fashioned "time" ' which Ulysses and me had last evening. T. McG. THE 'WILD BOY GOES OUT ON A SPREE WITH. w LS,.'- SES-WHAT T1HiX SAW, AD HOW ' ULTSSFS' TERF MNATED IT WMrrI A BREAK-DOWN ON THE PIANO. PRISIDINTIA MANSION, Front Room, 2d shtory,) WASHINGTON, June wan, 1869. } MliariTE PUMERY: -In me last epishtle to yez, I belave I remarked that I wud tell yez all about a bit of a shpree in which me honored rilative and meself indulged one avenin' not long since. Since I promised to relate it, I'll do so; although for sartin raisons I am sorry I made the promise. But the word of a Grant is as good as the goold in ony thing, barrin' pro- mises for office. In the latther line, we fra- quintly go back on our word, and handle the truth wid a recklessness quite astonishin'. On the avenin' in Otiishtion, me Cousin lisses gev me siviral winks at the tay-table, and I knew something was in the wind. Mrs. Grant and me wife Bridget appared to notice page: 20-21[View Page 20-21] 20 TERENCEd McfRANfZ. that something exthraordinary was -about to be diviloped, but singularly enough, they kept aisy. Afther me cousin had bolted his lasht bishket, he rose from the table, and says he, "Terence, Prisident Grant wishes to have a private intervew with you in the ould place, at sivin rminits past eight o'clock," and he look- ed at an illegant goold watch, presented to him be a retired importer of Philadelphia, who is an applicant for a mission to some place in China. Af'ther making this remark, the Prisident wint out in the yard to play with his bull dog, pre- sented to him by a Baltimore gintleman. The women immediately gave me the divil's own lot of questions, as to fwat was up; but divil the know did I. Mrs. G. said that Ulisses hadn't bin on a tair for some time, and she felt it in her bones that he was on it that night. Bridget said she thought she felt something in her bones, but I didn't. I was afther kaping, me own counsil, and at the appointed time I met me rilative at the appointed place, and he unfolded to me his plans for an avening's campaign. Says he to me: GOES ON A SPREE. 21 "Teddy, this official life wears onri a man of my timperament to a great degree, and although I am increasing in weight--and, so is me wife- I am troubled in me mind. I feel as if one of thim ould-fashioned St. Louis and Gelany drunks wud do us both a power of good. What says my frind Mr. McGrant V" "Yer hanor,' says I, "ony thing that will bring pace to our distracted counthry and our hanored Prisident mates me most hearty appro- val." "Let us have pace," says me rilative; and we started out for a good ould time. After taking a grown person's horn out of a demijohn of fishky, presented by a fishky inspec- tor of Chicago, the President disguised himself in some old clothes, and we started out. It had got nare 10 o'clock before we were biling over, and we stopped at a saloon and ball-alley, on G street. The President insisted on taking a dhrink, and then he was bound to roul a game of tin-pins. The place was a low, dhirty hovel, where nagers most do congregate, and I should have been ashamed to remain had it not been page: 22-23[View Page 22-23] 22 TEKENCE MCGGRANT. for a promise i made to shtick to Tlisses. There were several nagers there who wanted to roul a game; but I could not bear to see me rilative in such a place" rouling wid a nager. So I told Ulisses that I'd do it to him half a string. But he appeared to take a great liking for a saddle-colored black-and-tan, and spurned me offer. I was offinded; but he fixed the mat- ter wid me by ordering dhrinks all around. He has many winning ways wid him. Well, me cousin and the nager went to work, and wid me rilative's rouling in the gutter so^ much he was bate. Then he embraced the black cuss, and told him he would roul him another;game for a little wager. If the nager bate Ulisses, he should recave a cadet appointment to West Pint. If Ulisses bate the nager, then the- nager shud only receive an appointment as. clerk in the Freedmen's Bureau. The darkey epressed himself as satisfied wid the fairness of the wager. Ulisses said, 'tLet us have pace;" and at it they went. I proposed to do the scoring; but me cousin said that thel colored race was entitled to some little consideration, so he let a colored ULISSES ROLLS T ENPIrxS. 28 coal-cart driver do the counting. I could riot help noticing that I was a fifth calf in the party; but I thought it betther for the counthry to let the natural instincts of our ruler have full sway, so I kaped as quiet as possible. The nager tuk the lade from the start, and bate me cousin; the score standing, Africa,n 171; America, 17. Me rilative showed a failing for the gutther all through the game, and the only way the boy that set up pins could live in any kind of pace was to stand right among them. After-taking another dhrink, I succeeded in getting me cousin out in the open air; not, however, ontil he had made an appointment to mate the nager at his ' private office the next day. The Prisldent had too much on his mind; so he leaned against a lamp-post, and disgorged a bit of benzine, when he wiped his mout wid his coat-tail, and called a hack. I thought he was surely going home, and thanked my stars that the disgraceful scene was nare an ind. Fwhat was me surprise whin \ -he ordered the driver to take us to Madame Haycraft's. We were not long in raching. the house, when we were met at the door be thea page: 24-25[View Page 24-25] 24 TERTENCS LMc RGAN., madame herself. She asked where we had been all summer, and how our families wus; and we took sates. As a girl sat down on me lap, I realized me pasition; me conshunce smote me, and I would have give all me chances of appintment had I niver left me Western home to sake glory and honor. What would me wife say I As I was cogitating the subject, a waiter brought in some bottles, and we all tuk a drink, which had the effect of quieting me conshien- tious scruples a bit, and I was bound to see the thing out. Ulisses was playing draw-poker wid a fine-looking girl, for -a wager. They started in wid ten chips aich, and the wager was as follows: If Ulisses bate the girl, she was to make him a present of some article she had up-stairs; and if the girl bate Ulisses, he was to use his influence in her behalf. She busted me cousin on the third hand, on an " ace full," and he told her he should give her a clerk- ship in the Treasury. "The divil!" says she; "'I have been a clerk in the Treasury for two years, and never was there only to draw me salary." This rather astonished me relation; GOES HOMEr DRU rK. 25 but lie told her he would always retain a tinder feeling for her. This did not appear to please her much, for she said that hadf already nearly ruined her, a tinder feeling by public men; and as I turned to another part of the room, I heard her mention the name of Zack somebody, from Michigan. Afther a drink all around, to the toast "Let us have pace," we retired to our vir- tuous home. It was about two o'clock when we arrived at the White House, and our wives were sitting up for us; and if we didn't get a Scotch blessing, then me name is not Teddy. But, Lord bless yez, it had little effect upon me pousin. He remarked that he was Prisident of these United States and things, and jumping upon the piano presinted be a manu- facturer of Philadelphia, who has not been ap- pointed to any office yet, the great man danced a break-down that wud have delighted the sowl of any boy from the grane sod. 'Twas all I could do to kape Bridget fromn getting up wid him and dancing a double clog. We finally retired, and were all crosser nor the very divil the next day. W page: 26-27[View Page 26-27] 26 TBRENCR MafRANTw. I have got the matter all arranged for Bridget to go into the Treasury as famail clerk, next Monday. It was hard to convince her that it was a respectable place; but she finally come to her milk, and, I have no doubt, will find her situation both pleasant and profitable. She cer-- tainly never will be troubled on account of her beauty; but there is no accounting for the taste of some of these- Sinators. The only dhrawhack to me own success is that I am onacquainted wid the Sinators, whose duty it is to confirm me nomination. But I think, wid Bridget in the Treasury and a letther of recommendation from me Cousin Ulisses, I shall come out all right. lMe next letter will inform you what Sinators I have already secur. ed, and I may sind you for publication a letther which I recaved from a countryman of mine, Mr. Timothy O'Howe, of Wisconsin. Yours, TERENOE MCGRANT. P. S.-In case this GovernMfent is changed to a manarchy, I shall be the Dooke of Skineate- lis, and Bridget will be the Duchess, if she learns to talk Dutch. T. Me-G. IV. HE TELLS ABOUT HOW UTLISSES AND HMSELF WENT TO TIIE PEACE JUmBr Tr.. PAERKER OUSE, BOSTON, Junei 18, 1869. MSiTril POMEROT: It is ivident till meself that very little can be done in the way -of se- curing influence in favor of me confirmation as minister abroad until me Cousin Ulisses gets through swinging around the circle. No sooner does he get back to Washington from a visit to Annapolis, than he is invited to some other place, and divil the invitation does he refuse, at all at all. A few days since he informed us that he was invited to attend the Pace Jubilee at Boston, and that, among other relatives, he should take meself wid him 'Tws no use for me to plade poverty, or try to get me cousin to go widout me. I towld him that I was no mu- sician, and that my attindance wud be a dead , page: 28-29[View Page 28-29] 28 TERExE ., cGRAI'T. expense to the government; but he silenced me battheries of opposition by offering to stand all the expense of the trip, and, besides, he said he had particular use for me at Boston. So Mrs. Grant hunted up an owld suit of me Cousin Ulisses's clothes, wid the sign of captain on the shoulders of the coat, and Bridget dressed me up in such illegant shape that I looked ivery bit like the staff-officer which I was, for the occa- sion. 'Me cousin towld me to go to the corpo- ral who has the honor to escort the children to school, and get from him some little military information, and also learn to ride a horse, as we should undoubtedly be obliged to review Butler's troops at Boston. What little time was left -me, I improved to the best advantage; and when we left Washington, the corporal towld me I sat a horse illegantly, and were it not fur the fact that I had no "cock in me eye," I might aisily be mistaken for Baist Butler him- self-a compliment which I appreciated very much. On the way to Boston me cousin and meself had half of a drawing-room car to our- selves, and we improved the opportunity by 4 PRACTICING SP.'AI9INiv. 29 writing short speeches, which Ulisses committed to memory, and then got upon a seat and deli- vered to the audience, which was meself. I got so afther a bit that I could put in the applause in the right place, wid some few errors, and afther aich speech we tuk a drink. Ulisses remained up all night, studying on the speech which he expected to make in response to Governor Claflin's welcome; and as the spaich occupied eight lines in the newspapers, you can imagine that he had a hard night of it. I wrote off his spaches ontil the back of some old envelops, and numbered them so there would be no mistake, and was thus prepared to prompt him when he spoke. We arrived at the Hub in good sason, and were hartily welcomed by every body. The governor made us fale at home, in a fine spache, when me cousin arose to repate his pace. It was under- stood between us that he should repate number one on this occasion; but the cold shweat run all over me as he started wid number three, which was intended to have been delivered at the Collesium. Me cousin started on that, page: 30-31[View Page 30-31] 30 . 'TERENE MCGnRANT. when I pulled his coat once, which had pre- viously been arranged betune us to mane num- ber one. This had the effect of embarrassing him a little, and he stopped whin I gave him the envelope, and he reed it. He did not spake it as well before the crowd, as he did to me on the cars, but I made him belave it bate Sumner all till the divil. For fare yez may not have sane the spache, I inclose it in this litther, as follows: "It affords me grate plissure to visit the capital of the State which has done so much for my support and the support of the Union, during the continuation of the great rebellion; a State whose principles did so much to give We whatever' political position I have attained, and a State from which I have receiv- ed such hearty welcome in other days. Timo- thy O'Howe, Grane Bay, Wisconsin: if not called for in ten days, return to Terence Mc- Grant, Washington, D. C." I came nare faint- ing away intirely as he continued to read the direction on the letther envelope, and the in- structions in the corner. He thought it all be- longed to his speech, and read it in a command- HEvIEwS TROOPS. 31 ing voice, until I pulled his coat, when he stop- ped. I told him he had read too much, and he said he didn't care a damn; he wanted to show the people he could make a long speech,' when he felt like it. His speech was received with rounds of applause, especially the latter part of it, which mentioned my name. Only for the mistake he made in reading the printed matter on the envelope, I should have been well pleased. After being introduced to every body in Bos- ton, we got intil a hack, and were escorted by some horse cavalry to Trjmont street, to revue the soldiers, or as me cousin calls them when talking wid me, "Butler's Spoon Thaves." Just pravious till arriving at the ground, Ulis- ses tuk off his massive goold watch and chain, his diamond brest-pin, and his large finger-ring, and handed them to me. . Supposing he wished to give me a slight token of esteem, wid which to kape his memory grane in me heart, I thanked him kindly, whin he tould me it was not presents he was after making, but that he never felt safe wid such valuables about his page: 32-33[View Page 32-33] 32 TIRE CE M GR ANrT. person whin in the presence of Misther Butler, as that gintleman had a great passion for col- lecting rilicts. So putting the articles in me haversack, wid a bottle of fishky, we arrived on the ground. I would be pleased to have all who have read reports that Gineral Butler and me cousin were not on familiar terms, see them on a similar occasion. Butler rode up to the vehicle in which we were sitting, and dismount- ing from his horse, he jumped in amongst us. He hugged Ulisses until the perspiration fairly stood out in large draps upon his face. And this reminds me of a quare custom which Bos- ton people have when saluting a person. They hug him remarkably tight while their fingers are going through his weskit pockets. hIishter Butler felt in all me cousin's pockets, to see if he had ony concealed weapons, when a man rode up and separated the two great men, an- nouncing that. the troops were anxious to be re- viewed. We were provided wid horses, which we mounted in fine style, and started. The troops are evidently accustomed to this kind of duty, as they stood up to the rack widout flinch- DOG -PRESENTS. 33 ing. We took our position at the intersection of two streets; Gineral Butler gave the com- mand: "By the northwest flank'into quarter sections and outlots, toward New-Orleans, beau- ty and booty, march!" and the way they tore up the flagstones was a caution to families in the neighborhood who had valuables. As the last platoon marched by, and we were takin' a social glass wid some of the prominent men, a man came up and announced to me cousin that he had, on the outskirts of the city, the finest lot-of dogs in America, and that he should con- sider himself highly honored if we would go out and take a look at them. This tuk me cousin in a tender spot, and after finding out what office the gentleman was seekin, we started for the man's residence. We found some moighty fine dogs, and the gentleman gave me cousin two beautiful specimens, which he put under" his arms, and started for the Coliseum. As he entered the grand building, wid the pups under his arms, and me in the rear, the people set up the greatest cheer that I ever heard; but whe- ther it was occasioned be the dogs, mreself, or page: 34-35[View Page 34-35] 34 TERENCE I MGBRAWT. Ulisses, could not be ascertained. Afther play- ing the "Star-$pangled Banner" on a large hand-organ, wid vocal accompaniment, a gen- tleman moved to adjourn, and we retired. NOTE.-- Me Cousin Ulisses informs me that, wid what he has seen here to-day, he don't consider his valuables safe, and so he orders me to return to Washington wid them be the first train, so I can't inform yez about the pace fes- tival. TERENE MCGRANTr. P. S.-As the government is left in charge of meself and Borie, I will write yez how we make it run alone. T. McG. V. HE RETUENS TO WASHNGTON WIT ULISSES-- SERIOUS REFLECTIONS-THE CARES OF STATE, ETO. WASHGINTON, June Tweonty 5, 1869. MSHTER POMERY: Yez will bear in mind the closing of me lasht epishtle from Boshton, the great place where me Cousin Ulisses informs me Mr. Bunker Hill formerly resided, and to whose memory a sphlendid tomb-shtone or monument was erected. Mr. B. Hill, me cousin tells me, was once a great man, almost as popular as we are to-day. But I will not tire yez intillegent raders be scraps of history, wid which they are doubtless familiar. I left Boshton in charge of me Cousin Ulisses' valuables, which he con- sidered unsafe in such close proximity to the itching palm of his honor, Baist Butler. On the trip to Washington I passhed the betther page: 36-37[View Page 36-37] 6 T36 TTEmNtCvj XCGRAvN. portion of me time standing on the platform of the rair car, smoking cigars and looking so dig- nified .and blooming, especially about me nasal protuberance, that I was many times mistaken for me illustrious rilitive, and axed wud I be afther favoring the assembled multitude wid a spaachl, a song, or a dance. I maintained a dig- nified silence, which is me besht hold, as well as me- cousin's, till the train arrived at a small place to take on wood and wather. At this place there were over siventy-five populace, sit- ting on a wood-pile, about half nagers. They had sticks of wood in their hands, and on seeing me were clamorous for a speech; but I hadn't thought of any remarks pirtinent to the occa- sion, so I retired to the inside of the car. The conductor presintly came in, wid fare depicted in every liniment of his face, and towld me could I make a spach. "Devil the haper," says I.- "Then the crowd will break every light of glass in. the train," says he. Rather than have any unpleasantness, I towld him I would do my besht. So stepping out ontil the platform, I steadied mnesclf be the brake, as me cousin al- SPEAKINr ANI DRINZIYG. 387 ways does, looked the crowd over, and said, "Let us be afther having pace on earth, and good will to the colored population;" and the train moved off amid chares from the nagers, and billits of wood from the white portion of the crowd. I had often heard me Cousin Ulisses say he cared more for one nager's good opinion than that of two white men, so I was well plaz- ed; the more so from the fact that one nager handed me a demijohn of illigant fishky just as the cars started, which I tuk wid me intil the car, and before we had run an hour I had every man in the car in a state of loyalty that would have delighted the heart of Dick Yates, or me Cousin Tlisses himself, I knew the car-load were all Republicans, from the fact that they all had official envelopes sticking out of their pockets, directed to the head of some depart- ment; and besides, they took to the beverage so naturally, and rolled under the seats so illegant- ly, that I was sure there was no mistake as to their loyalty.: Arriving, home, I found government affairs in the devil's own obad way. Borie and1 General-, w* page: 38-39[View Page 38-39] 38 TERENCE McGRANT. Dint had been in one continual quarrell all the time during our absence. The quarrell grew out of a dishpute as to the proper location of the jib-boom of a man-of-war, Borie claiming that it should be on the larboard side of the off- poop deck, while Dint said it should be some- where in front of the advance guard " guide centre." One word brought on another till me cousin-in-law, Dint, tould Borie that he hadn't better talk about it any more, as it might make him sea-sick again, when Borie got mad and threatened to tell his ma, and they parted dead- ly enemies. When I arrived; they both told me their stories, and I promised both of them I would conciliate the other. Borie said bhe was damned if he would stand any more interference from the land lubber. At me suggestion, Borie resigned; and me advice to Dint was to take a thrip up to Lake Suparior, in ordher to cool off, as I feared he might, in his wrath, spontaneous- ly combust. At this writing they are all gone, and I, Terence McGrant, am the last remnant of the United States government. I am mon- arch of all I survey. What would me Wiscon- SA w-B ucK vs. WzITE HOUSsE. 39 sin frinds say, did they know that the subscri- ber, who a short time since was earning a pre- carious subsistence be agitatinh a buck-saw at siventy-five cints a cord, was such a great man pro tem., and held the deshtinies of millions of people in his honest,- horny palm? Ah Mr. Pomery! great changes are liable to come over the spirit of our drames, and I must be moighty ' careful, or I will give way to the temptations that always beset the paths of those suddenly risen from obscurity, and turn out a dishonest cuss like many of me relations, which God for- bid, be jabers! (This is in confidence.) On tak- ing the reins of the government in me own hands, me first official act was to call Bridget to me aid. What could a man do in this world widout a woman to love, honor,- and pull his hair? -Divil the thing. I towld Bridget the circumstances of me sudden promotion, and afther impressing her wid the idea that it was not necessary to put on a great many air, as the honor would be short-lived, I ordered in the customary demijohn and box of cigars, and proceeded to business. Me Cousin Ulisses towld page: 40-41[View Page 40-41] 40 TERENCT E Xc GRANT. me, when I left him, to take his place in every thing until his return, barring his tled, and do every thing the same as he would were he prisint. I tuk a dhrink, lit a cigar, put me feet upon the table, and towld Bridget that the Cabinet was in session, and ready for any busi- ness that might be properly brought before it. Bridget thought the first thing in order should be the appointment of Mr. Borie's successor, and said she would, were she in my place, ap- point a man who knew a bit of the duties to be performed, for a change. The only relative we could think of who knew a man-of-war from an oyster sloop was Bridget's cousin on her mother's side, Mr. O'Hammill, of Pittsburg, the champion oarsman. His name struck me favor- ably from the start, and on inquiry I found his qualifications to be ample. First, he was a rela- tive of the family. Second, his loyalty was be- yond question, as he was brought up on Monon- gohela. Then the number of times he has row- ed his boat on the vasty deep, which meanders through the smoky city of his nativity, should be sufficient to convince the most skeptical man UL'ISSES RETURiVS. 41 as to his qualification for directing the move- ments of our navy. So it was decided be Brid- get and meself that the office of the Secretary of the Navy should be kept in the family, and I was just about to send a dispatch to Mr. O'Ham- mill, when who should open the door but me Cousin Ulisses. I concluded, from his appear- ance, the rolling of his eyes, as well as the bal- ance of his body, that he had made a speech at the same wood-pile, and -received a present similar to mine. I immadiately took me feet off the table, and resigned the affairs of govern- ment over till him again, not widout some re- grets. Says he, c"Where in hell is Borie -" Says I, "Mr. President, Secretary Borie has felt it to be his jooty to bid farewell to every fear, and vamoose the ranch." "What meanest thou t" says me cousin. "I-ave me prayers been answered, and has he committed an act without a precedent in our Republican Party Has he actually resigned Tell me quick, before I shiver your timbers, and mash your nose all over your face." page: 42-43[View Page 42-43] 42 TERENCE MCGRANT. "He has, my lord, and down in yon pasture there is an oxen " "Which his name is Robeson," says me cou- sin, "and the pasture is New-Jersey." And he axed me would I hand him a package of com- missions. As I handed him the documents, I towld him that I had already been afther pledg- ing meself to appoint a rilative of me wife, Mr. O'.Hammill, who, I assured him, knew more about wather than all the ]ories intirely. He filled out the commission, and handed it to me, whin me astonishment was unbounded to see the name of Robeson therein. Says I, "What rilation is he?" "Divil the rilative at all, at all." "What qualifications does he possess?" says I. "A subscriber to me house and lot," says he. "And so ye are afther going back on yer rila- tives in this manner, are ye ." "Darn the rilatives! they are a set of political leeches, incapable of taking care of themselves," says me cousin. Ye may rest assured that this remark riled me; and pulling off me coat, I tuk an attitude, ALMnOST A EaIGHT. 43 and thus addressed me cousin: "And, sir, it is a laach I am. Get up until I show yez that I'm far from being that same. Begorra, sir, I'll trash the ground wid yez. I'll--"At this point me cousin recovered from his astonish- ment. He said it was not me at all he meant, but the rilatives on the other side of the house, maning the Dints. He told me to kape aisy, that he had been conversing wid several sena- tors on his racent trip who had expressed a will- ingness to help me about getting confirmed as minister to Bug Gota. Iie said I was too pas- sionate, and would be afther hurting some one yet, if I gave way to me temper in such a man- ner. I am pacified now; but me cousin had a narrow escape from the most illegant knock- down he ever exparienced. Wid a hope that I shall be able to give yez, in me next letther, something definate about me prospects of being confirmed be the Senate, I close, be remaining, yours wid mighty little confidence in any of them, TERENCrE McG Ra&T. P. S.-Me cousin informs me that he lost, page: 44-45[View Page 44-45] " iTBRsCEt ARfa. while in Boston, a set of valuable shirt-studs. If the person who took them will return them immadiately, Ulisses promises me he will not mention the fact that he slept wid Ben Butler the night they were taken. T. McG. VI. HE ISr1'S IONG BRANCH WITI- THE BATANCE OF THE FAMUTY, AND HAS A GOOD TIME GENE- , RALLY. "ONG BRANCH, July 30. MSTIrER ]POMERY: Perhaps yez may have been afther inquiring a bit about me long ab- sence from yer colims, and ye may have labored under the impression that I had recaved me commission to Bug Gota, and departed from the bosom of me cousin's family and taken up me abode in foreign parts. Divil the bit, sir. Me commission may Bug Gotes the devil if I can be assured of a continuance of prasperity which I am afther enjoying at present, wid no care to distract me mind. This is the largest thing I ever exparienced, wid the exception of a week in the Treasury Department. r 'The great and impartant raison of me' not fa- voring yez wid a letther before, is that we have page: 46-47[View Page 46-47] " TERNCtE M GRANT. been so busy of late getting ready to accipt the haspitalities of the different hotel proprietors, liv- ery-stable-keepers, and buchu-mixers, that our valuable time has been pretty much all occu- pied, and whin I mintioned to me cousin the duty I owed to you, in a litherary point of view, he said he would be responsible for every thing. So yez must look to Ulisses for damages. There were many things to be taken intil consideration, before we could decide upon which watering-place should be made famous be our presence. Saratoga offered its attrac- tions, New-York made good offers, Niagara was not at all -behind, but Long Branch got us. It is unnecessary for me to state how it was done, but begorra, yez ought to take a look at the wine-cellar here. Of all the .displays of be- verages that ever delighted the heart of an M. C., this takes the rag off. Why, there are actually acres of bottles, barrels, and the devil knows whlat all, wid grane sales and red sales, and Ulisses says that he could live here till he died, and never cry for wather. X DEATTH IN THE FAMuILY. 47 For the first week our stay here was filled wid unalloyed happiness. Our aristocratic fa- mily had matthers our own way, at all, at all. There was meself and Bridget, Ulisses and his wife, and a number of second-class relations, who were bound to go wid us, and we couldn't help ourselves. The Dints are a moity perse- veering set. At the eSd of the first wake, as we had got fairly into the injyment of every thing lovely, including Olive Logan, our happi- ness was. cruelly cut short by a dispatch from Washington, stating that our valuable mare, Addie, was dead. Ah Mr. Pomery! could yez have sane me cousin when the heartrending news was read till him, how the great draps of prespiration dropped from his nasal protube- rance, and which he wiped on the sleeve of an illegant white shirt presented till him be a shirt-maker nare the Ashtor House, I know yer heart wud have been touched wid tender pity, and who the divil knows but ye might have -been induced to deliver us a temperance lecture right there? At the time of the receipt of the dispatch announcing the sad family affliction, page: 48-49[View Page 48-49] 48 TEREN CE McGlsANT.- me- cousin was reclining ontil the grass wid Olive Logan and two dogs, lishtening to the lady rade some spaches which she will be afther making during the next lecture sason to diffe- rent famale Young Men's Christian Associa- tions. Being that I knew best how to take me cousin in his most bigamist moments, Misther Dint bade me go to him wid the sad news. Tak- ing a bothe of buchu, I walked up till him, and patting her affectionately--that is, the dog-I spake thus: "Mr. President, the time has almived when ye must take yer medicine. The doctor or- ders' it, and be jabers ye must take it, or the country will soon be deprived of yer valuable services." Me cousin rather likes to be forced in these medicinal mathers, so he says: "Well, Teddy, do yer duty; ye know I never should think of it, only for yez?' So I poured out a lively dose, and me cousin tukl it-under protest, however. "Be the way," says I, "I have a bit of char- ing news for ye. The mare Addie has won her THE GOVERMy1.iENT WEEPS: 49 last race." "How so 2" says he, casting a sonny look at Logan. "-Why," says I, wishing to break the news to him softly, " she's dead as the devil!"Lord bless yez, he rowled back on the grass and tumbled about, till I thought he'd be the death of the lady and the dog, entirely. "Pass me that bottle," says he; which I did, and the medicine he took would kill a horse. How we got him in the house, divil the know! do I; but we did, and he called for nothing but wather! wather! all the night. The next morn- ing he was in mourning-that is, he drank black-strap. The mare could trot in 2.22,: ' and had always lived a virtuous life. Me cou- sia broods over his loss, and the only way we can kape him widin bounds is to let him go out and play croquet wid Lydia Thompson and Pauline Markham, two ballet-girls from New- York, who are here wid some fine specimens of hair, which the same makes his wife jealous, and I don't know but we will have to lave here to kape pace in the family. Miss Logan sympa- thizes wid us dapely. Me cousin is going to have her stomach cdviized be the medical paple page: 50-51[View Page 50-51] 50 TBRENOCE MCGRANT. at Washington, on suspicion that she is pizened -the mare's stomach I have riference to. Al- together we are in a bad way here. What wid the President's saturating his beverages wid wather and his poligamous conduct, I can't tell where the thing will end. Me Cousin Ulisses has ordered me to subscribe for tin copies of the New-Yotwk Ledger, which may have the effect of opening the eyes of Mr. Bonner to the necessity of giving us another horse. We'd almost give a "kiAgdom for. a horse." I think, meself, .it's money thrown away, because Bonner couldn't be induced to take any office at our disposal. 'Tis thrue, there are some valuable offices not yet claimed; but then, rilatives are making themselves known more rapidly than ever before. Why, only yes- terday, a grasy divil arrived here all the way from Alaska, wid a sale-skin overcoat on, who has just been tracing his eugeneeology back to the time he was born, and swears he is a rela- five. He is only about eighteen years of old, and don't say what relation he is to us; but as- serts that his mother, who was a Digger squaw, SATINGfA TBE GaKLf 61 became interested, somewhat, in a regular army officer in California, about the time me cousin was stationed there, and that he, this new arrii- val, was the result of her-innocent aboriginal indiscretion. However this may be, probably me Cousin Ulisses is poshted in the mather. I had me dignity shocked most terribly last avening, and it makes me blush to relate it; but as ye are afther paying me for that same, I don't see as I can get out of it aisily. Ye see, me Cousin Ulisses has an uncontrol- lable appetite for going in bathing wid the girls here; and indade he sames to enjy it very much, as no doubt ye would yerself, were yez here. Well, last avening me cousin was afther taking a drap too much-which he seldom does, be the way, ofthener than once or twice during the day-so he was incompetent to perform the du- ties incumbent upon him as a ladies' man. He towld me would I go down to the bache and in- form the ladies that he was unable to come down, so he sent me in' his place." I was ,omewhat bashful about going, as the ladies were nare naked- bitt I did, and divil the rag did page: 52-53[View Page 52-53] 52 H:TZkasVCE HMoQ GANK. I have: onr meself scarcelyt. I fowld them, as besht I could, that the President regretted be- ing obliged to send a prashtitute in his place, but that he couldn't come; and I added that I would do the best I could to amuse them. Wid this the divils pitched into me, six of them, and I belave they wouldn't have left a hair on me head only for the arrival of Bridget, who give them an illegant bating, and no doubt saved me from ' the wrath to come." Be the way, me cousin says I may go to New-York next week to see the sights, when I will call onto yez. Yer ould Fanian, TEmENCE MCGRAT. I say--If ye see Mr. shor or L Mr. St. Nicho- las, plaze inform them that I will probably be there about the forward part of next week. They will know the proper thing to do. T. McG. *' . - ^ , / VII. E HAS A WEMFALL THAT PROVES TO BE A SAND- HL-ONE OF ULISSES'S TRICKS --THAT BEICXS- BUa FARE. "ONG BRANCH, August 7, 1869. MSHE PuRY: It is wid faleings of dape regret that I bid yez farewell in a literary point of view. I resign me pin as a mimber do the galaxy of contributors to your highly influential paper. Now don't be afther thinking that I am dissatisfied wid ony thing; on the conthrary, I am moity well plazed. Our relations wid one another have always been moity pleasant, and the money you have paid me for me labers has been a great blessing to meself-that is, half of it has; the balance I gave to me Cousin Ulis- ses. All things are1liable to change, and, sir, I 'have exparieneed a bit meself. I, who yester- page: 54-55[View Page 54-55] 54 TERENCR McXjSANT,. day was as poor as the poorest, depinding on nje cousin for the manes of buying me victuals, as are many of our rilatives now, am as rich to- day as a Jew. I am fairly rowling in wealth; and though I am not proud at all, still I can't compromise the dignity of the family be writing for newspapers. Ye may be anxious to know what has come over me, so for. the benefit of us both, I will tell yez. Me Cousin Ulisses called me till his private apartment last avening, and after driving out two or three women who same bent on seduct- ing him from the path of erectitude, and several office-seekers who are not rilatives, he spake to me as follows: "Terence, I have long been trying to think of something to present you with, as a slight re- muneration for your services in sticking to me through evil report and good report, principally the former, and have finally, I thinl, lit upon something that will suit you. It is time that you and Bridget retired from active life, and set yourselves up as a fine old country family." "Well, what the divil is it ye'd be awher giv- RETIVES TO A FARI, 655 ing us," says 1. "I want something that don't have to be confirmed be Congress, or the divil knows when I'd get it." Then says me cousin, taking a drink, "Well, Teddy, I appreciate the trouble you have had in getting confirmed as minister to Bug Gota, and this will put a stop to the affair. I have a nice little farm of fifty acres at Bricks- burg, which I have deeded to you, and you can take possession of it as soon as you please." If you ever see, a man wid a big tickle on, it was meself. I had got sick of following the Presidential show, and I think the show had got sick of me. So I took the deed, and with many thanks I rushed into the presence of me wife Bridget, who was overjoyed at the prospect before us. We talked the matter over nearly all night, and when we retired, dramed of the beautiful New-Jersey home. I could see the little house, the barn, the pig, the bins, and the cows, the horses, and all the little convanian- cies, and it suited me more than I can tell. I will write yez again -afther we get settled. So farewell. Sind the little balance that is me page: 56-57[View Page 56-57] a5 TC2ERACoB McG GRANT. due to me Cousin Ulisses, at Saratoga, as he will no doubt be there soon. Yours in haste, TEENOaE McG ANT SAMATOGA, August Tin. Mis'tua PumY: If yez haven't already re- caved me lether written yez from Long Branch, August siven, don't recave it at all at all; or if ye have recaved it, don't read it, but destroy it. And if ye have read it, don't mind it. I have changed me mind. I don't want to quit writing for yer paper. And I'll be afther telling ye the rason. On the nixt morning afther securing the dades of the Bricksburg property, Bridget and meself hired a wagon, and afther bidding good- by to our rilatives at the hotel, we started for our little home. Afther a long, dusty, sandy ride, we came to a small sand-house, where we sjtopped for a drink of wather, which we had began to drink since leaving our rilatives. An ould sorrel-topped chap brought us some wather Dow@? IKE FARAMN. 67 in an ould oyster-can, and I axed him how far it was to Bricksburg. "You just passed through it, sir," says he. "Divil the pass through," says I. "Do you see that tract of sand!" "Indade I do," says I. "Wasn't I afther killing me horse narely, going through it?" "Well," says he, "that is Bricksburg." So we dishmounted, and went in the house. The gintleman wid whom I had been convers- ing was the sole inhabitant visible. He was the land-agent. I got out me deed and showed it to him. He went to the door and pointed to a gravel knoll, and towld me that was me farm. "But," says he, " before ye can take possession of it, ye will be afther paying the matter of two hundred and forty dollars taxes, which have accumulated upon it in the pasht eight years." "Divil the taxes will I pay," says Bridget. "Nor I," says meself. Afther a bit of dinner Bridget and meself went out and took a look at it. Why, Misther Pomry, ye couldn't raise a pint of :white banes. on the whole fifty acres. And how could 1 set- page: 58[View Page 58] 58 gZTEzE-HtCsI1 Mc GRANfT, . tie down on that and support a rapidly increas- ing family The litthel home, wid the modern convaniences, including the pigs, which I had pictured in me mind's eye, has vanished wid the eclipse. I was well nigh driven to dispair. I don't wonder me cousin wanted to get rid of the property, and meself wid it. But he hasn't got rid of me yet. I lishtened to the advice of me wife. She said we had better go to Saratoga, and give our cousin a surprise, whin he comes. And here we are, waiting, at considerable ex- pense. The gintleman at whose house me cousin is to sthop be order of the Union Lage, who pay the expinses, is making great preparations to re- cave the party. The liquor is all to be reduced wid water, for the rason that me cousin's throat is throubled wid the dip-theory. The landlord was about to make some changes about the spring, which is a great attraction to visitors here; but I towld him that wis all nonsinse, as me cousin would never see: it, as his appetite for wather had entirely failed him. ' Bridget and meself was nare being arristed page: Illustration-59[View Page Illustration-59] Terence and Bridget tke a bath in Congress Spring, Saratoga, thinking it no "bhairn." (P. 59.) r- , , , thinking it no "hairre." (P. 59.) BATHNG IN CONdGRESS SP=INa. SO this morning, and had it not been for our arish- tocratic connections, we might now be in the lock-up. You see, we thought the spring wather would be illegant to wash off the Bricksburg sand, so we got up early this morning, before the other people, and took a bath. The man in charge came down and towld us -that would in- jure the flavor of the wather. Be the way, if ye haven't sint the little ba- lance due me to me cousin, plaze sind it to me here. I have towld them here who I am, and they trate me wid the greatest civility. If ye know of ony gintleman who wants to buy a lit- tle farm, I'd thank you to refer him to mesilf. I know it is good for paches, and me cousin would recommend it highly. Yours, in the rale estate business, TyFRNOE McGrAwT. P. S.-I hope ye'll kape me salary right along, as though ye had. not recaved me lether of the 7th. Whin I recave -the little balance, I will lave Bridget here to injy herself with the other aristocracy, and I'll come to New-York. T. McG page: 60-61[View Page 60-61] ME LEAVES SARATOGA TO FIND ULYSSES-SBR- PRISES HS COUSIN-ULYSSES TIGHT--TER- ENCE DISCONSOLATE. NEWPORT, August 21. MSHuIr PUMRY: The rason I lift Saratoga- was me desire to find me Cousin Ulisses. We recaved so many rumors as to hi,& whereabouts, and the places he was about to visit, that we entertained the worst fares for his safety, and Bridget insisted on my going off on a tour of dishcovery, I have found him. He is here at Newport, as happy asoa prodigal son. A sir! at Saratoga I have had a sorry time indade. The wife of me busomihas gone backl ontil me, and the howly mother only knows the terrible condition of me mind. Slowly has it been coming on to her, but she has got it as bad as ony person in all Americy. The bad influ- enc- eete:IwDi: te- r Le taken her prisoner, and the appetite she has for strong drink is alarming indade. Had I known how this thing would have worked on me dar- lint Bridget, I would have remained in that Wisconsin poor-house, and never made meself known to me Cousin Ulisses at- all. Poverty, temperance, and morality are far bether in a small family than riches, position, and debauch- ery, although few of our family appreciate the fact. If all our family have delirium tremens, as it looks as though they eventually would, that a menagerie of snakes there will be, tot be sure I Bridget was the last person in the family I would have supposed would cleave to the flow- ing bowl, considering that for years I had been a disgusting drunkard meself; ut when I re- formed, begorra she tuck t.,the. ardent like it was her mother's milk. n1 now her nose is a perfect picture of- Cousin Ulisses', and she wor- ries me narely to death. Could you tell me. about what a first-class divorce would cost, and would the judge wait for his pay ontil I am married again, which will not be long, as I have page: 62-63[View Page 62-63] 62 TERSNCE MoCGo ANT. struck the divils own fine girl here, who has ony quantity of money, but belongs to a plebe- ian family, and wants to marry for position, which I can give her, you know.' She has lec- tured some, wears breeches, and says she would make me happy or break me neck. I am going for her, yez can bet, and I have left Bridget at Saratoga to cool off. O sir I that Saratoga is the most disloyalist place in the whole empire, and I had two fights to uphold the dignity of the family. I was sit- ting on the hotel mirandy one evening, when a chap, turned to me and said, "When is old sheepskin coming?"I towld him I was not ac- quainted wid such a party. "Why, yer cousin, old bull pup." Now, I ax ye, could I shtand that? Divil the once.! I towld him it would " be me duty to chastise him, and struck at him wid me fisht. Lord bless yez, he, was an old prize-fighter. He struck afttitude, and the way he did fan me wid his fishts was exhilirat- ing to -be sure. When he let me up, me eyes were discolored and me head aced,: and I didn't feel well at all. Soon afther, I overheard some -ON- ,IS sClS. " 63. gentlemen talking about me cousin in a very disloyal manner. One of them said he sat up wid Ulissus one night, and, though he held the poorest hands all the time, he bate me cousin out of over $1300 by bluffing him, and that he never had been able to get a cent of it. He said me cousin wanted him to go as minister to Bug Gota for his pay. I knew this was false, as " that position had been considered as me-person- al property; so I towld the man he was a liar be the watch. He acted full as bad till me as the first gentleman, making me cross-eyed, and me nose the same. So I left Saratoga to see me cousin, and have him send a couple of troops there. I arrived in Newport on the. 20th, about fifteen minutes before' me cousin did. I sat upon the shore watching the boat, on which I knew sat the President smoking, and not know- ing that his dear relative was so nare. Perhaps he was wondering if I was at me Bricksburg farm, working me royal hands to a blister, har- vesting the crop he supposed was growing. But I wasn't at Bricksburg so much as formerly. Hearing that me cousin was going directly to page: 64-65[View Page 64-65] " TERENCE MCGRANT. the residence of Sinator Morgan, I went up till his house, and sat meself on the gate-post, thinking I would give me cousin and his wife and the children a pleasant surprise when they arrived. About 9 o'clock the Presidential cor- tege moved up the road. Bad luck till me, I could not kape from laughing, from thinking of the surprise I would be after giving me dare cousin, As the children stared at me, sitting on the posht, little did they drame of the high family of which I was one. They no doubt tuck me for some common, ordinary laborer. Soon the party arrived forninst the gate, me cousin bravely lading the charge. A sir! it was in his glory he was. He reminded me of a game rooster entering a barn-yard where dung- hill fowls reside. How placidly the smoke curl- ed up from the gould-tipped cigar, presented till him be the California gentleman. (And, be the way, has he been appointed -yet-the man that give us the cigars?) I saw be the look of his mouth, and the way his feet got tangled, that -he had been taking a wee drap; but Lord ibless yez! had I known what was coming I would f HE GETs SBNUBBED BY ULISSES. 65 leave blowed me brains out wid Paris grane. I'd rather be the victim of infanticide, or Anna Dickinson's husband, than enjoy the terrors of that moment over several times more. Ye see, as he was about to go intil the gate he spyed me on the posht, and says he, turning to Porter, "What in the divil are them two Irishmen do- ing on that-hic-posht?" "There's only one Irishman there," says Mr. Porter. Which is thrue for him. Then me cousin swore there were two bloody Irishmen on the posht, and of- fered to bet money it was some new rilitive of the McGrants afther office. I thought I would reassure him that no such dire calamity was about to befall him; so I jumped down, -and tuck off me hat, and says I, "General, be the howly mother, it's yer own loug-lost Ter- ence!" and I was -upon the point of throwing. meself into his loving embrace, when he said-I have witnesses that he said it, so he can't get out of that-says he, "Lawe me sight! Don't never let me hear ye mention me name ogain!" When I come to me sivin senses, I was lying under the fence, wid a parcel of. girls and boys page: 66-67[View Page 66-67] " TEsRENo Mc CGRAT. making a play-house wid me hat and boots. It was not long before I bethought meself of what had occurred, and I felt bad. If it is unmanly to weep, as I have heard it reported, then I am the most unmanly divil that ever struck that il- legant sumrer resort. The amount of nice salt brine that could have been gathered there widin the space of siveral feet would have made a dealer in salt fish laugh, indade. There I was, at the portals of the mansion in which me cousin was a guest, denied be me masther. I was, indade, the prodigal second cousin, only divil the husk was there on me bill of fare. I laned up against the fince and watch- ed the paple go in one gate and come out another, evidently paying their respects to me cousin, and it made me heart fale as if I had failed to get a divorce, or something terrible had happened to me-as there had, to be sure. I noticed one short-waisted old lady go in wid the crowd and come out again several times, and ivery time she felt bether. She shook hands wid me relative many times, and evident- ly was fond of it. Finally she saw me, and, like Is ARRESTED. 67 charity's sister-in-law, she came to me. Says she, "Are you loyal, my Fenian friend?" "Divil the man more so in all America, me venerable sorbsister," says I. "Then why don't you go in and pay your re- spects to our illustrious and ever-to-be remem- bered President, the champion of the Republi- can cause ." Not feeling particularly pleasant toward me cousin, I answered the femail in a very disloyal manner. Says I, "Bad luck till him! May the divil blow his Republican Party, and may his dogs all swally, hydrophobia." These remarks were, in all probability, the most unlucky that ever escaped from me lips. I hadn't got more than half through when she hit me wid her umbrella, called me a Copper- head, and finally had me arrested as a conspira- tor, and taken to jail.. And here I am writing this while me Cousin Ulisses has, for some cause, gone back on me. But one thing I have made up me mind to. page: 68-69[View Page 68-69] 68 TERNBCE MC GRA NT, I'llwhe:acknowledged be theofamiy. or a terible revenge awaits them. Your disloyal friend, TERENCE ]MCGRANT. P. S.-I learn from the guard, who is an Irish lad, that there is something going on at Ida Lewis's, the salt-water sheroine, who lays on her oars. I shall find out all about it for me next lether. I shan't stay here long. I'll get out on a writ of corpus christy. T. McoG. / IX. ULISSES GETS HM OUT OF TROUBLE-IDA LEWIS AND ULISSES -THE TRIP TO THE WHTE MOUN- TAINS-SARATOGA. SARATOGA, August 29, 1869. [ISHntr:u POmRY: How am I for a traveler? I'm getting so accustomed to swinging round the circle that it's getting so I can't tell to-day where I'll be yesterday or the day afther. When I last wrote yez, I was summering at that illigant summer resort, Newport- jail. What I was in there for was the crime of spak- ing to me relative in a moment when he was not himself, and8didn't know whether he was afoot or a horseback, in the Great Eastern or Ida Lewis's patent salt-water extricator. Me Cousin Ulisses was under the influence of the vile bowl which intoxicates, demoralizes, blinds, and makes a man supremely jackastical and in- page: 70-71[View Page 70-71] O9 TEB RENCE Me GRANT. tinsely loyal. And we must forgive him. I have done the same freely, as he has made me the most ample and satisfactory apology, and likewise informed me that it was the first time he had drunk a drop since he left Jim Fisk, which was the day before. Let us have pace. As I was pacing me lonely cell, wondering whether hanging was too good for me, and ar- guing in me mind if it was best to try and keep me head above the waves until rescued be the saddle-rock heroine, who says she is not a fat boy or Simese twins, I heard a loud knock at me door. I paid no attention till it, because I thought it was the police bringing a drunken man in, as there were many that day in New- port in a state of patriotic looseness. I walked back and forth, I say, thiiiking that perhaps it were better that I should be supported by the village of Newport than be the government, for a spell, when I could change to some other place, and board around like a Methodist minis- ter. I had me plans fully settled in me mind whin the door opened, and who of all paple on earth should stand before me but me Cousin d t . , mRECEIxvs A CALL. 71 Ulisses! I should much sooner have .expected to see St. Patrick at Bricksburg, cultivating a snake-orchard, or Ben Butler at a communion-. table widout a guard over the silver. I had to look through me eye-glass, which I borrowed from that girl I have symptoms of marrying, as I towld ye, before I could make out to a dead certainty that the rum-blossom which was afther standing before me was me own sicond Cousin Ulisses. But me doubts were overruled when I got wind of his breath, which smelled. ivery bit -like a dead clam embalmed in rat-poi- son. He looked at me a bit, and, wid a gesture of his coat-tail, says he, "Terence, why are you thus restrained a" ( Divil the 'strained am I at all at all," says I. "It's yerself can bist tell why I am here." "Why," says he, " the last time I saw you was when you started from Long Branch for your country seat at Bricksburg." "Country h--- at Bricksburg," says I. "And hadn't ye heard of the taxes on that land? And don't ye remimber of seeing me at Sinator Morgan's Arrah, bad luck to, yez," page: 72-73[View Page 72-73] 72 TREE CE MNoCGR ANT. says I, me Irish nature getting the better of me. -So he sat down beside me, and we had a long talk. He said the first he knew of my be- ing in jail was when he woke up at Sinator Morgan's, afther slaping off the effects of his lit- tle indiscretion. He said that an owld woman come to him and axed him to appoint her post- master at Newport, for her services in the cause of freedom. On asking her what she had pre- sented him wid to entitle her to so rich an office, she related to him the circumstance of me appearance at the gate, and what followed. He said that was the first he had heard of it, and he knew, of course, that it must be me that he had abused so shamefully, and he at once repaired to the jail to relase me from the clutches of the law. Throwing meself intil his arms, we were once more fiinds, and the government was pre- pared to go on as usual, accepting presents and returning an equivalent in the way of offices. 'Tis sweet for brethren to dwell together in pace.- Me cousin gave orders to the guard to let me be afther going out, which I did widout a sicond invitation, when Ulisses towld me he VISrITSr IDA ;Einr$S. 73 was just on the way to Long Wharf to meet Ida Lewis, and axed me to go wid him. I towld him if he was going for any such purpose as that, he had better go alone, He said he wanted wit- nesses as to what occurred, and there is where he differedrid me. Be gorra, whin I lave me wife to have a bit of business wid one of them women who show evidences of speed and bot- tum, I don't want the eyes of ony divil looking about to get up a sinsation. But me cousin don't care a eint who sees him. At the wharf we had four troops to kape the crowd back, and as Miss Ida rowed her boat up forninst us, the crowd bahther4 us, and me cousin gave the or- der to the troops, u"Close up." Ida at once dropped her oars, and jumped upon the seat of the boat, and wid both hands took hold of the bottom of her dress, and was about to obey the order, when an old lady hallooed at Ida, and told her it was to the troops the Gineral was spaking, to "close up," and not her. . o the curtain fell amid the most enthusiastic chare- ing, and Ida took her sate. I could have punch- ed the divil out of that qld woman for interfer- page: 74-75[View Page 74-75] 74 TRE=NCE Mo GRAnT. ing, and so could me cousin, and I towld her it was none of her business. She called me to one side, axed me if I was ever the mother of a he- roine. I towld her to the best of me recollec- tion I never had been, to any alarming extent. She said that when I had experienced that sin. sation, and had me darling ruined by a too fre- quent repetition of that order ' Close up," and had got to be a grandmother, as she had, through the indiscretion of me heroine, I would feel as bad as she did. The owld lady was ividintly sinsible, and who could blame her? Me cousin advanced to the off side of the boat, and greeted Miss Lewis, and took her be the hand. She met him half way, and tuck him be the other hand, when they had a bit of conver- sation in a low tone, which Ms. Grant couldn't hear, and she got a bit jealous, and sent me to call Ulisses off. As I touched him on the shoulder, to call his attention to the fact that his wife was watching him, he clasped the girl to his stomach, and implanting a kiss upon her cheek, he said, "I am happy to greet you, and every loyal man should do the same." So after GOES TO BOSTOwN er 7 he got off, I went to her arid towld her I was loyal, and would like to take me cousin's advice, and commence where he left off, and kiss her for me adopted country, when she picked up one of Jim Fisk's oars, and make a stroke at me. I left, conscious that it made some difference to Ida who the man was whom she gave the bene- fit of her heroic charms. Then our party took the train for Boston, ar- riving there at "A M. on the 25th. Me cousin couldn't be prevailed upon to go up town, as he said if Butler was there he wouldn't leave him clothes enough to appear at Saratoga respecta- bly, so we took a train for Manchester, where we were received wid a salute of twenty-one anvils and an explosion be Mayor Smith. We were furnished wid hearses and were driven through the streets. Owld Hoar and Boutwell were wid me, and Hoar, the owld divil, said, the reason me cousin wouldn't stop in Boston was on account of the prohibitory liquor law, which remark will cost him his commission, if I have any influence left. After the funeral had mov- page: 76-77[View Page 76-77] '76 TEBO TCEREXE M CG&RANT. ed' through the principal streets, we took the train for Concord. At this place we laid in a large quantity of commissary stores, in kegs and bottles, and started for the White Mountains. The travel was fatiguing, and we had frequent access to the refreshments, and before we had reached the top we were all drunk, in which condition we kept until arriving at Saratoga, which we did on Saturday. What occurred on the mountains, or on the way, I don't know, nor de I believe any of the party know. The last thng I remember was when we were about a mile from the top me cousin remarked that a little fihcky was the best thing intirely to kape off the mosquitoes when we all tuck a big horn, and when we woke *upe'e hd been carried to our siverial rooms at the hotel in Saratoga. 'Tis only a few minutes since I woke up, and I thought you 'might want to hear from me. We are beginning to get over it now. I will / tell you all about our fun here in me nixt, Yours, recovered from me confinement,- TrFixacE McGRA. WANTS -ADIVORCw. yf P. S.-Bridget, -who-, is drinking moity. hard, can't understand how I have been " confined" at Newport. I'll learn her a thing or two as soon- as I get a chance to go to Chicago. I'll see if I am to be tied for life to an animated rectifyer, when there are so many nice girls who drink nothing but punch. T. McG. ' .' page: 78-79[View Page 78-79] X. ON THE BEACH--UTLYSSU S a Hm OUT--HE COMES To NEw-YoRE WlTr"I: AN ELOPEMENTI- HS MORMON PROClV1rITES-THE (HNA MS- SION. GRAT HOUSE, BArT:KE STREET, (On the Ethiopian Plan,) NEw-YoKs September 6, 1869. M[Ts'E rs POMYg: I lift Soratoga to-day to take a look at New-York. We have been hav- ing a foine time at Soratoga, drinking wine and bathing, ye can bet. Me cousin has enjoyed it wid his usual presents of mind. There has been only two -things to mar the happiness of meself and me cousin, since me lasht lether. The first was this, which marred me happiness. I was standing on the bache at Newport, watch- ing the women stand on their heads, etc., when one of the most illigant famails that ever wore IISANQPAPSERI N2wTHEE GfIKRLs 79 a fig-leaf called me,and axed me would I bathe her. Ye may think it strange, but such is the custom there. Every women of ony standing in " society has a plebian engaged to howld them in the wather, and sandpaper them off wid a crash towel. This is what the woman wanted me to be afther doing till her. I was not well plazed to have her consider me a plebian; but then I didn't want the woman to suffer for the lack of assistance, so I rushed in till the raging deep, washed her and dried her, and let her go. She towld me to come again the nixt day at the same hour. I rather liked it, and as I found she was the daughter of a Boston banker, I, like an unlucky divil, went and towld me Cousin Ulisses. Now what do you think he is afther doing May I fail to be confirmed be the Sin- ate as minister to Bug Gota, if he didn't make me change clothes wid him, and he tuck my place, and. iver since the first day he washed that girl in my place, and she thinkin' it was me all the time. Now, is that ony good way for the President to treat his own second cousin, when there is plenty chances for himt You page: 80-81[View Page 80-81] 80 TERENCE MaGRANT. wouldn't take advantage of a man in that way, nor ony gintleman. The sicond source of unpleasantness is to me Cousin Ulisses. He is very much displeased that Rawlins should so far forget his duty to his chief as to die just at this time. Me cousin had got tired of traveling, and had just got settled down at Saratoga for a little fun, when he is or- dered back to the capital to attend a funeral. But he won't be afther laving that girl many days. His going to Washington has furnished me all opportunity to visit New-York. I came as far as here on the same train wid me cousin; but, bless you! he didn't know it. Whether it was that he was too full for utterance, or that he was brooding over his sorrows, I don't know; but he didn't see me. I called at your office to-day to see you, but your young man said that you were invisible. I wanted to- tell you why I am here. I don't want it to get out, or I would have towld yer young man. Ye remember I towld ye about a girl that I thought of marrying afther I got a BiE ELOPES. 81 divorce from Bridget. Well, the girl couldn't wait so long; so, begorra, we have eloped, and are stopping at this house enjoying the honey- moon. O sir! I have been in many trying situ- ations before, but this is the tryingest. I try to make belave that I am not happy, but there is a grin on me face all the day long. I have in me younger days stole paches, ravished melon patches, gone cooning, and been a week in the Treasury Department; but for rale, solid com- fort, give me a genuine elopement. The way I was induced to quit the company of me lawful wife was this: Ye see Bridget has been carrying on the worst kind lately, getting drunk, and disgusting even me cousin. We tried to break her of the habit; but ivery time me cousin took a drink, Bridget would take two, and you know there are few persons in America could stand that. She was simply disgusting, and narely broke our hairts. We put up wid it all until the night of the big dance here. 0 bless me sowl!. I trimble wid indignation when I think -of it, We had put Bridget to bed; and all of us had gone to the ball-room to dance wid page: 82-83[View Page 82-83] 82 TERE2VON E MNCfAN T. the girls. When the second dance was about half through, the cry, "A ghost!" was heard to proceed from the hall. The women fainted, and the men poured wather down their necks to bring them out. I was dancing wid the girl that is now wid me here as me wife pro tem, and me cousin was twisting around the girl that he b&thed in the salt wather. Afther all the breath had returned to the women, I looked till the door, and there, just as she had emerged from her virtuous couch, and drunk as the divil, was Bridget. ]Talf a dozen men tried to stop her, but she gave them a welt over the eye, and proceeded at once to me locality. I never was afther being scared of a women, but when they are'under the influence of -spirits, and in their night-clothes, they are dangerous. I tried to get out, but she tuck me by the ear and bate me. She had a bit of a stick, and she warmed me, and finally tuck me till our room. I didn't care for the bating; but to be misused in the prisence of ladies, and whin I was innocent of ony forgery or ony thing of the kind wid. the girl wid whom I was dancing, was moighty nn- 'MNIS T- TO C, ,A WANTED. 83 pleasant. I see me cousin didn't like it, al- though he said nothing, in his usual eloquent manner. Me expences here, stopping at a foine hotel, in the most arishtocratic portion of the city, as me landlord informed me, are greater than I supposed they would be, or I would have made a draw on Bridget's stocking before I left; but niver you hade, I have an idea about me. You see, there is to be a dead-bate appointed as min- ister to China; and in consideration of me ser- vices to the President, in giving him me place at the say-side, I am to have the privilege of se- lecting the man to fill his position. T would go meself, but I don't understand the Chinese lan- guage, nor am I a success as a ratist. Me hair don't grow all in one place, nather, so I have concluded to set up in business. To that ind I have sint the following advertisement to the Herald: PERSONL.--O ny. gintleman whose loyalty to the besht government on earth is inquestion- ed, and who wishes to serve his country as min- ister to China, can open negotiations wid a nare page: 84-85[View Page 84-85] 84 TERBNCof MCoRANT. rilative of the President by calling at the Grant House, in Baxter street, New-York, and making the necessary deposit. The stable is in the rare of the house, in case parties should prefer to pay the first installment in horse-flesh. No editors nade apply. TEBENCE I CGiANT." You see I put in that lasht clause, because there are a lairge number of members of your pro- fession who are so anxious to serve the govern- ment, and whose abilities are not the best. Now, before we lift Soratoga we had a lether of 300 pages from Grayley, and, though no one could rade it, we knew it was written in the Chinese language, and of course he wanted the appintment. No; my-object is to get a gintleman to whom money is no object, but who is patrio- tic. Patriotism is the foundation-stone of all our success, and I am mighty short of money. Be the way, is there ony law in New-York to prevent a man laving his wife if she proves un- rasonable as a drinkist? Yours, a brevet Mormon, TERENCE McGRBANT. V: d8s OBiTVARS. 85 p S .-ITf Bridget calls at your office inquir- ing for me, till her I am drowned, and publish me obituary notice, if necessary, to convince her. I wouldn't have her catch me for tin dol- T. McG. lars. ' I' page: 86-87[View Page 86-87] XI. THE COUSIN OF HS RELATIVE exPLORES GOTH- AM TO HS SORROW, AND ME'IKS HS INEBRTAT- ED NAWESA-KR WHO GETS AS DRUNK AS A iOED-A SCOUTING PARTY, AND AN "ILLI- GANT APARTMENT. GKA= IIOUSE, BAxrIS STEGI* (named afther Cousin Ulisses,) e NEW-YORK, September 13. - M1s8h11 POMBY: In me lasht letter I towld yez that I was eloped wid a famail Sorosis. At the present time I am the victim of mishplaced confidence. The girl in whose care I placed me heart and things, including me pocket-book and a clane shirt, sames to like the novelty of elop- ing, and begorra she has done that same again. I am alone in the world, wid no one to protect me. The way of it was this: I met a young man on Chatham street, who called me be name, -7-Z E TS C O M E D Y . s 8 7 ad 'maxedie woull I talke -& drink* i O e orse I obeyed, as it is a criminal offense for one of our family, in good standing, to refuse. So we went intil a cellar kept be a man who has a large number of daughters who wait upon peo- ple, and tuck a wee drap. This in itself was nothing unusual; but the beverage was not like our own home production, which me cousin takes wid such regularity. It had the most sin- gular effect ontil me that I ever experienced. Before the tumblerful of stuff had got down below me seventh rib, I owned half of New- York, and by the time it had struck me diges- tive powers, I could have paid the national debt without interfering wid me spending-money in the least. It made me as confidential as a ward politician, and t towld me young friend all me secrets. I informed him of the relationship which the President bore to meself; how I had left Bridget, me natural protector, and embark- ed on the sea of double-clog matrimony, and that me brevet wife was so honest that I had in- trusted her wid me funds. The young man said he, too, was in that fix. He had got rid of page: 88-89[View Page 88-89] 88 TERENCE McGRANT. three wives. in Chicago, and was now running wid another man's wife, and advised me to con- tinue on in the path I had marked out for me- self, and all would be well. I left the gintle- man, and went to the stable of our house to see if any horses had been left at me disposal, in payment for me influence in the- Chinese mis- sion appointment. None had been left. I think I was away from the house less than half an hour, and when I returned, for the purpose of embracing the partner of me heaving bosom, and disguising meself wid a clane shirt, what do you think I found? Divil the thing, sir, but a board-bill. I was met be me landlord wid the startling intelligence that the woman in whom I had placed such confidence had gone off wid the young man wid whom I had been drinking, leaving the board-bill unpaid. I immediately, made me loss known to Marshal Barlow, and ordered him, in the name of the great Ulisses, and the don't-care-a-continental Congressj" to use every possible manes in his power to bring the guilty parties till justice. But I could not pre- FINDS ULISSES. 89 vail ontil him to do his juty. He called me a calico-struck lunatic, and axed me would I be afther going to hill. His profanity will lose for him his position if me name yet retains its in- fluence. This occurred of a Sathurday, and I wint to bed that night wid an aching heart in me stomach, and divil the cint in me pocket. Slape, which usuallrgcmes to me eye-brows un- axed, was absent that night. I laid awake and dramed that Bridget stood over me wid a stick, and that she rocked me to sleep wid that same. I arose at an early hour on Sunday morning,.. and went intil a gin-mill hard by for me morn- ing bitters. I was just raising the glass to me lips whin I heard the familiar words, "I don't care if I do," and on looking around, there stood me Cousin Ulisses, as dry as a harvest hand. "I tought you was in Washington," says I. "And I fought you was in Saratoga," says he. Mutual explanations and drinks followed. He said the funeral of his friend Rawlins lasted longer than he expected, and he had been so confined in Washington for, the lasht twelve page: 90[View Page 90] 90 TXLRENCE oCGmAN. hours that he felt that for the benefit of the country he must take some little recreation, that he might not be strickin down from overwork, and the country lose an active and energetic President. Then he axed me how I came to be here. Well, sir, I didn't know what to tell him. We tuck another drink, and be that time me wits had come back to me,?and I towld him I came down here to do a bit of business for me wife. I knew he would drop the subject when I brought Bridget to his mind. He frowned in a commanding voice, and towld me to follow him. He said he was going to travel a bit around the country for a change. So lie went into me hotel, and became ac- quainted wid me landlord, and on the strength of the house being named afther him, he paid me board-bill and we prepared to leave. "One question before we go," says me cousin to me landlord. "Fire away, me dog-fancier," says the man. "i want to know why you named your house afther me," says me cousin. "Well, sir, you shall know," says the man. page: Illustration-91[View Page Illustration-91] Terence and Ulisses in New-York. Ulisses, gets fall to over- flowing. and swears a shot tower is a church, and is- bound to have preaching there. (p. 91.) THE SHoTTOWER CHURCH., O1 "One reason is, that we keep good cigars and whisky, which report says you are partial to. Another is, that we take all that is offered us, and try and retuVrn. an equivalent in some way, which I belave:youv, do. Another is, that we keep our mouths shut about what occurs, for which I learn you are noted. And the last is, that our house it a on6-horse affair, in which -it resembles: its namesake, to--a remarkable de- greed - Me couisin appeared so well satisfied wid the landlord's; explanation that he ordered drinks all around, when we tore ourselves away. Cousin Ulisses said that on the way- down he had sane the cuarest-looking church intirely, wid- the sta- ple thedsame size all the way up, and/inisted on me joining him there inhis devotions,- jI went wid hmn, and fiat do you thiilki he tuck me to? Be; jabers, it was no less than a -6lwtoower on Centre street. -I X towld me cousin what it was; but he swore it was a church, and was bound to go in. He said he would have preaching there, or mash somebody's nose. Now, Mr. Pomroy, if any one should catch you . , . * * , page: 92-93[View Page 92-93] g2 TEARVSNCB MfGlANT ,4 prowling around a shot-tower while the bells were ringing on Sunday morning, insisting on going in to hear preaching, would you get mad if "hey should call you drunk.? I belave not. But every time I suggested to me cousin that it was the vile fishky in his head that made him so devotional, all of a sudden he called me a Cop- 'perhead, and said that I was trying to embar- rass the government in its efforts at reconstruc- tion. He pounded at the door of the shot-tow- er and a man came out in his shirt sleeves, wid a bar of soap and a towel in his hand, when me cousin axed him what time the curtain would rise on the first act. The man was taken back, and axed me cousin what he took him for. "For a minister," says Ulisses. This made the gin- tleman mad, and he said he would call the po- lice, if he recaved ony more such abuse. At 'this point a well-dressed citizen 'd two policemen came along, and when they saw me cousin, the citizen went up to him and embrac- . ed him, telling him that-he had searched the city high and low-principally low-for him. That he had been on the war-path since -four o'clock in the morning. That his wife was: nare INTRODUCED TO CORBItr 93 crazey, fearing that me cousin hadfbeen kidnap- ped. "And who is this bummer?" says I to me cousin. "This," says Ulisses, " is me brother- in-law, on me sister's side." "And who is this flannel-mouthed pet wid you?" says me newt cousin-in-law to Ulisses. Then me cousin laned against a lamp, and gave aich of us a formal in- troduction, the policemen were discharged, and we wended our way to the residence of Ulisses's sister, where some cold hash was set out, and we, gobbled it. We spent the day here, and had a pleasant visit. It is charming to mate one's relations in such illigant circumstances. Here I learned the programme for the week, as nare as it can be learned ahead. We are to go up intil Pinnsylvania to make a point against' ould Packer, the ould divil, who is running for governor against Geary, a man who, in battle, always led the rare. Ulisses may stump Pihn- sylvania for Geary. I'll tell yez all of it. TERENCE McGr. P. S.--A litter from Saratoga informs me that Bridget is selling pay-nuts on the cars. She will be an honor to the family yet. T. McG. page: 94-95[View Page 94-95] XII. HE GOES ma THE "FLOATING CAPITAL"TO PTS-- BURGt WHERE UTISSES MAKES THE WRONG SPEECH --A BAD SPELL FROM KOVOAD-BERDGET TURNS VP---uTE PARTY HETLP LAY THE CORNER-STONE OF A "MATE-MARET"--TERZECE WANTS TO BE WIDOWER. - WASHMrGTON, PA., Sept. 20, 1869. MwsAd0 POMERY: We left our brother-in-law, IMishter Corbin, in New-York, wid many re- grets. Indade he has the most illegant place intirely; and the besht of itis, he don't charge a cint, at all, for intertaining man or beast. I would advise ony gintleman in New-York, who wants to live chapely, and at the same time da- cently, to get acquainted wid him. An intro- duction be me Cousin Ulises would be all that's nicissary, and I will sind a lether to ony one if they will inclose me five dollars to Washington Wahno, man, and go io his wifet me eouin@sister. lA I suppose yez will be afther wondering what the divil we are doing, away off up here in Pinnsylvania; and begorra, I don't blame yez, for that same thing has been throubling meself till I am narely bereft of raison. The ostinsible object was to assist at laying the corner-stone of a mate-market; but it don't same as though the President would go so many miles out of his way to do such a thing, especially as the town has not more than five hundred inhabitants. In confidence, now, I belave, upon me sowl, it was something that occurred at Pittsburg that caused me cousin to take such a sudden schoot off into these God-forsaken wilds. I'll be mighty glad when we get back to the sate of govern- ment, and settled down for a week. You see, we got to Pittsburg, and the city was alive wid Germans, wid flags and banners, and we were escorted to the Menongohela Hotel, a tempe- rance house, as its name, indicates; and when we had got fairly settled for tay,: the Germans wanted a spach. Me cousin thought the dimon- 4 page: 96-97[View Page 96-97] 98 T4 sTEKENCn MOGRANT. stration was for him, when 'it was for a man named Hiumboldt, who was not living at that time. Ulisses said if le had in about eleven glasses of beer, he could make them a speech in Dutch. He is always just that way when he has been drinking, and all you can say to him makes no difference. So he went down stairs and mixed his liquors, which, you know, always makes trouble. Afther he had got most illi- ga tly drunk and affectionate, we led him out on he balcony, and the Humbolters were ready for/him. O begorra! of all the sinseless twaddle yez ever heard, me cousin's was the sinselessest on that occasion. He spoke over two minutes and a half, and finally the Chairman of the Pennsylvania State Republican Committee handed me cousin a note, which was as follows: "Uliss--u must sa cumthyn abowet Hem.. bold--theis dutchmun r selebraytyng fur hym. Speal em half a string. KovOAD.)" I supposed me cousin understood the Kovoad dialect, and I waited to hear what was next. I heard it soon enough. Says he, "My Teuto- THE eOFOAD DIAkECt. 97 nic sweitzer kasers, I know the gentleman in whose honor you celebrate. (Cheers.) I have drank his buchu, and rode after his horses. Helmbold is" -at this point the air was fairly murky with hisses, groans, and sticks. They appeared to misunderstand me cousin, or something, for they wouldn't hear another word, and we retired intil the house, and helped me cousin to bed. Afther he slept, we held an informal meeting in the parlor. This Kovoad was mad. He said that Grant had ruined the prospects of the party in Pittsburg; that he -had supposed he did know something. I was about to take the matther in me own hands, and chastize the man for spaking disrespectfully of me cousin, when Kovoad wrote this apology, which neither meself nor me cou- sin could read. I suppose printers can make out any thing: ' M[ENONGEEHEELEE Hows, Oetpt 18. "GRAT : U rasdel las nite! It was Urboldts nott that dam Buku Hembold, the duohmen w U selebrating. U ,oked n U in a t koed bat,. u page: 98-99[View Page 98-99] 98 TERT NCE MCGSRANZT best go in the kuntry. u nead chang of klinit. Git out from hear for krist sake, or wee r gonn- up. Ure frend, KOVOAD." We separated, and I gave the document to me cousin in the morning. He could not read it; but as a hack came to the door, he supposed the paper was an invitation to go somewhere, so we got in, and were taken to the depot.. That was a very unfortunate affair, our being driven till the depot. We had got on the train, and was under fair headway, when an owld woman stumbled against me cousin wid a basket of paynuts, and axed us would we buy some. Begorra, I had the liver complaint the moment I saw her. It was Bridget! How in the very divil she got there, bates me. As soon as the owld woman saw me cousin, she threw down her basket and tuck howld of his neck and kiss- ed him all over. I retired to the rare of the car, to watch the performance. He didn't appear to resent the insult at all. Begorra, they sat down on a sate, as comfortable as a tay-party, and talked matthers over. It was half an how be- Efow TO BE nAPPY. '99 fore Bridget inquired for me, and then me heart bate like a propeller. You see, I didn't know how she would take me laving her. Women, you know, take things different. At least "Bridget does, different from ony woman in me experience., Now, many times in, me younger days, before I had become a great man, or as nare to one as sicond cousin,'and before I'had married Bridget, there would spring up a cold- ness betune us. 'Instead of doing as some women'would do, get drunk, or commit suicide, all she would do' would be to take me affecti6n- ately be the hair wid both hands, and kick me about me trousers-pockets, till we were on as good terms as iver. And we niverlhad any par- ticular trouble in our iharried life. If any thing went wrong, andbwe wereoboth somewhat to blame, we never had any fuss over it, as some families would. Me wife wouldwalk up to me in a winning manner, -and punch me a few times about the eyes an4,nose, and a blade eye would pettleit. I like to see famnilies get alongpaceably. Bridget axed me cousin where was Terence, and I prepared for defense be putting me head well page: 100-101[View Page 100-101] 100 T:sENC z Mc GRANT.. under me car-sate. THe pointed her to me, and before I had time to say me prayers she was forninst me. Says shed: "And is thish the man that promished to love, honor, and obey me, to stick to me till the divil- tuck him? And is it the same Terence that run away wid a subshtitute from Saratoga, laving his natural protector to compromise the dignity of the family be piddling paynuts ," Ah sir bless me poor sowl, if she wasn't afther bafting me. Divil the elope will, I again, at all at all. Begorra, I wouldn't lave Bridget again for the besht girl that iver walked. It wouldn't be safe. And me Cousin Ulisses. What do you think he was doing all this time? He just sat and laughed until she had ruined the shape of me face, when he came up and axed her would she have pace; when she let up oil me, bound me head up wid a pace of her petticoat, and we went on to this place,- as happy -as three eats in a mans back yard afther a serenade, When we got to this -Washington- we went to a tavern and held a counsel, to try and find out "AYS A CORNESR-STONI 101 what we come for. It was me cousin's opinion that some one was about to present him wid a coal-mine or a horse. But I was and am to this moment of the opinion that we were sent, here at the instigation of Geary and Covode, for fear me cousin would make -a speech. in favor of Geary, which they think would ruin the cause. He certainly has bad luck in his )paches, either from the liquor he drinks or from not being familiar wid the subject. If they sind for us, we will go back to Pittsburg; if not, we remain here till afther election, as we can do less dam- age here than at any place in the State. We had rather a foine time on the first day of-our arrival here. In skirmishing about town, I found the paple were going to lay the corner- stone of a town mate-market, and I towld some of the influential citizens that President Grant was in town, and that his besht howlt was in laying corner-stones, and that he would help them, if they wouldn't make him lift any,. as he had a breach caused by his labors in California to civilize the Indians, and had to wear a trestle- work all the time. The people were anxious page: 102-103[View Page 102-103] 102 TtENlCB *MCl Aft. that we should! assist, and addressed him a note, and he answered, making a very pretty remark about the place being named afther the Father of his Country, of whom he was the legitimate successor or step-father. - The oldest citizen said that was a very pretty remark, only the town was named after a peculiar brand of Pittsburg whisky-the Washington brand--then me cou- sin said it was just as well, only more binding. The corner-stone of the town mate-market was laid, and every thing is quiet here. Me cousin passes away the time pitching quoits and play- ing seven-up on a half-bushel n the barn wid a nigger, hostler, anis 'anxiouly-waitinmg for fur- ther orders from the Union League, which I have just found out directs all our movements. Ulisses says he hopes they will order us back to Washington soon. I shall be there when they do. TERFxCE MOGRANT. P. S.-I have a great desire to be a widower, and am taking long walks wid Bridget, in hopes she may fall into one of these coal-shafts, al- .s, WANTST, OBEA-, WiDOWNR. 103 though I don't-believe coal damp would krill her. I shall be plased to mourn her untimely decease, although it may be wicked. Let us have pace. T. MoG page: 104-105[View Page 104-105] XT TT HE SUMS UP THE SUMMR'S TRIPS--ULIsSES AT THE CAPITAL--THE GOLD SPEOULATIO N. IN ME OWLD ROOM IN THE FHTE HOUSE, WASiGTON, D. C., September 26. MsWfTW POMPE Y: At lasht we are again at our dear home,'no more to lave it until our cursed Democratic successor is afther calling upon us to vacate, bad luck tillhim, says me cousin. , It sames good to be afther returning to yer residence afther athrip abroad; the same to great men as to a star actor. We, no doubt, fale the same plisure in returning to our home that Lydia Thompson would afther showing her legs and things to an appreciative audience in the principal cities of Elmira and Utica, al- though our starring has not been of the legs principally. Still, it's all the same. The great pod, Gli ; 1 r A5 a St4gea0 dal tS e* d n players." Olive was correct. We are a success as actors-that is, me Cousin Ulisses, is; but wid the exception of what he received by the Long Branch hotel people, our financial affairs have not prospered during the trip. It is thrue we have accumulated some property; but it is not proper to sell what is presinted to us, and you know whisky costs money. When you come to pay twenty-five cents a drink, and drink as of- then as it is necessary for us to when wid our frinds, a few thousand dollars don't lasht long. But that will come out right in the end., If you could see me cousinmhere enjoying him- self since he has got out of the"hands -of the Union League, it would do your sowl good. He goes out till the barn, and pulls the mare's tail, plays wid the pups, and cries over the grave of the dead mare Addie, like a grown person. He says it's illigant to be your own boss, and not have to mIake speeches, when you are in danger of doing irreparable injury to your friends by saying something they do not expect. page: 106-107[View Page 106-107] 106 TERNCE MOGsjuNTz Well, I have nothing new to write you, only it pains me to see the changes that a few months have wrought in the appearance of the clerks in the Treasury Department, Bridget and meself tuck a walk down there yesterday, and I was as- tonished at the turn affairs had taken. Young girls who, three months ago, had the most illi- gant Grecian bend intirely, are as straight as a candle, and the number of children running about the rooms is certainly suggestive of mea- sels and chicken-pocks. And the children are all named afther some sinator or great man. Lord bless you! the George Washingtons and James Monroes will be extinct, to be sure, and -the, humber of Ben Butlers and Tim O'Howes that will come upon the stage of life will be suggestive of tin spoons and plated cake-bas- kets. These girls don't like to have any one get ahead of them; and where one. has a child, and another don't, there is a continued quarrel, and the one minus offspring swears she will be even with her neighbor, as soon. as. Congress meets; and begorra, they are pretty safe in the asser- , t SPECLULATES Im QOLID. 107 tion. The government will protect them in their exertions in behalf of posterity. We have been having a bit of exparience in the rise and fall of gold, which I will attempt to explain to you, although may the divil blow me if I can see through it meself, at all at all. You see, when Mr. Boutwell was in New-York, he made arrangements to have gold go up, and he notified all our friends that were loyal to in- vest their money and make a big thing: Me cousin called me intil his room, and towld me all about it. I don't know as I can explain it, but here goes. He said that on such a date the bulls and bears of Wall street would get to bucking. The bears would buck one way, and the bulls would bear the other, you understand. That when the bulls had got gold bucked up to 160, it was a good time to invest; and then the bears had pulled it down to 130, it was the best thing to let go of it, and make a fortune. He axed me if I thought I understood the matther well enough to go into the market and buy for him. I told him I did, though to tell-the truth me headwas so full of live stock and bull and page: 108-109[View Page 108-109] 108 TE RNCE MXcGRAN. bear managerie' that I think I didn't know much more about it than a member of Congress. But he had the utmost confidence in me, and gave ne a large sum of money, and towld me to i6fft- it for him, take advantage of the rise, and he would give me five dollars for me trou- ble. Well, sir, I did as directed. I left him playing billiards, and went to a broker's and towld him just what me cousin had towld me, to invesf the money when gold was at $1.60, take advantage of the rise, and sell when it got to $1.30,; and return me the proceeds. I left the money wid himself, agreeing to call at four o'clock; I saved a dollar out of the money for expenses during the afthernoon, and went and rowled tin-pins. At the appointed time I re- turned to the broker for me money, and begor- ra he towld -me there was not a cint left. He had done as I towld him, and as me cousin had towld me, and the consequence was we were so mtteh out. I went back to me cousin, where he Wvas playing billiards; and when he had finished the game; he axed me for his money, when I in- formaed him of the turn affairs- had taken.- He IDN' ' MAAK A CENT 109 looked sick, and said it was just his d-d luck. But says he, "It's all Boutwell's fault." And' he sint me to inform Mr. Boutwell that his prisence was requested at the executive man- sion. When he arrived, the following conversa- tion ensued: Says me cousin, "Boutwell, I thought you said you. had a dead thing on the rise of gold? "Indade I did, and made $200,000 on the rise meselfl"I "Then how in the divil is it, that I did as you directed, and lost every cent I invested I let Terence invest $10,000 for me when gold was at $1.60, and sold it at $1.30, and I want you to explain to me how in hell it is that Ididu't make any thinga Be good enough to make this matter plain to me, or your resignation will be in order, by the Eternal " ' You see me cousin ant going .to -be fooled with. Then Bouitwell -laughed enough to kill him, and said he thought any dam'd fool would know better than to buy, when goold was up, and sell page: 110-111[View Page 110-111] "O TA R EJCK XafBA0T1.4 when it was down. Says he, "'I towld you to buy at $1.30, and wait for a rise." Me cousin said he: must have misunderstood him. He towld Boutwell that if he would divide the pro- fits, he nade not resign. But he towld me cousin he would see him in Chicago first. So I think there will soon be another change in the cabinet. As Boutwell went out, me cousin re- marked, "It is dam'd seldom why a man can't be found that can run the financial affairs of this government without makring such blunders. If I can't find a mnan better than Boutwell, I'll take charge of the funds meself." He is mighty displased at'the Secretary of the Trisury, to be sure; and indade I don't blame him, for he might have :made the thing more plain. : I will close this lether by inclosing the follow- ing application for the Chinese mission. At least I suppose it is, as I can't rade it. Yours, speculatingly, TICAOE a MoGiEn PETNNSV ^ Ji' NA jT EN. Il1 P S.- his i the Chinase:iguage, whi ch yoncan probably ma ke out: -i Ma shunk, pa., Sep. 20. Grant--kill that dam irishman. he hes bin ritin fur a trater sheat in Noo Yo a bout ure spech at pits burg, evry koper bed in pensilvany got a kopy of Pumroys paper. kill him or we r * K-ovoaD. gon t ell. * I.. page: 112-113[View Page 112-113] XIV. TEJis ulflAD ULISSES STAuT FOB PENNSYVA- NIA' BUT ARE ORDERED BACK BY "KOVOAD" -TREASUEY GmLS sWK:IrrcG, WrrT INDIGNA- TION--BRIDGET HAS LOST HERSELF. WASHNGTON, D. C., October 5. MS'risl POMrY: I don't know that the divil to be afther doing. There is no safety in me writing for yer pa- per, unless ye kape it away from Washington. I can't go out onywhere but some one shoves a copy of the Democrat in me face, and axes me if i an't ashamed to go back on me own blood relations by writing about all our private mathers, and making fun of me Cousin Ulisses, Now, I'll lave it to yourself if I have said ony tling that could be construed into disloyalty to me'family. Begorra, everything I have written is ith i r. cith oadan- the divis;thdad iare b- efing m e And then, to make me sorrow still greater, some person has sint a copy of your paper to the Treasury Department, and the girls swear there is no truth in the report that they are increasing the population, and that they will murther me on sight. About forty of thim tuk afther me last evening, as I was down there afther some money for Mrs. Grant, and I do/belave they would have killed me had not the bell rung for thim to choose male partners for the avening. There is always a lively time whin' the' bell rings, as the girls are fond of change, and there are a number of sinators here making arrange- ments for the season. Me cousin feels bad to rade in the papers the accounts of the gold panic; how people made. fortunes in an hour, and then see it stated that he didn't make a cint. He says such reports -tend to injure his reputation, and he wants it corrected. He fears the country will lose con- fidence in him if it goes abroad that he had the thing all in his own hand, and then lost money; page: 114-115[View Page 114-115] "4 ?SXC cP M- G RANT. and he was -moighty indignant at me for writ- ing as I did to your paper about buying at 160 and selling at 130, thinking thereby to realize a fortune. He acknowledges the truth of me state- ment in every respect, but says he thought any, fool would know better than to write it to a pa- per that had such a circulation. I think I shall be afther doing betther hereafter! Well, sir, we had a narrow escape the other day from taking another trip intil Pennsylva- nia. I hoped, for our own good, the Union Lage would let us have pace; and, indade, it was not their fault that we came so nare going to Pennsylvania, but the fault of the papers. You see, every paper we have read for two weeks has had something of this kind: "Gineral Grant will be at the Pennsylvania State Fair!", "The President and staff will attend our fair. Turn out- and welcome our honored guest 1" 'Grant, the Great American Traveler, Dr. Mary Walker, and-the What-is-it will be present at, our State Fair l" "There will be a better show of cattle than 'I' ABO UT STATR FTAIRS ll usual at the, Pennsylvania State Fair. Grant will be present." And so' on. Every paper had something to say about our presence, and me cousin thought it would be wrong to go back on the people by remaining at home, afther they had made so many preparations, and advertised us in order to draw a crowd. So me cousin decided to attend, as it had been some time since we were away from home, and he thought a few days' relief from the cares of business would do him good. Beside, one of the dogs has" got the distemper, and me cousin always dislikes to be present when any member of the family is sick. He is as tender-hearted as an auctioneer. Well, at the appointed time me cousin and meself slipped away alone, and arrived at the Washington dippo, where Ulisus sint a dispatch to Covode, telling when to expect us, and we put our champaign-baskets and cigar-boxes iltil, the drawing-room car, and were .soon on the road to-Baltimore. We had an illegant time on the cars, playing seven-up for the whisky, and draw-poker for the cigars, and about the time page: 116-117[View Page 116-117] "6 WRaENCE .fC RANT. we got rasonably loyal we arrived at Baltimore. At this place a lad came in the car wid a tele- graph dispatch, and axed was there a party of the name of Grant on board. Me cousin said he was traveling under that title, and he took the dispatch. It was from Covode, and being a little drunk, we had no difficulty in deciphering the maning of it. When you peruse it you will not blame me cousin for not feeling that he was trated in a manner appropriate to the dignity of his sta- tion. This is the dispatch we received: "HBRYSBERG, PA., ock. Three. "U. S. grant.-stopp In balltymoar! doant kum 2 pencilvaney agin till lexun is Over 4 god- saik, or we shant bee abil. to carrey A poal. Taint u the peepil r looking fur hear at the fare, its the mamoth oxx, that iz called gen. grant I yu dun us eareparble- ingury wen u wuz hear be4, -nowfur krist saik keep Ihens! our party wills stik tu u til hel Freases, ovre, if u'le only kepe outen the stait. Tres in haist, Go - KOVOAD." ULrSSEs REVENGEOFUL. 117 Av coorse it wouldn't have been dignified in us to have gone on to the fair afther receiving such a pressing invitation to stay "hence," or "hens," as our correspondent had it. So we stopped at Baltimore. But you should have sane me Cousin Ulisses. tIe was the maddest man in the country when he read the dispatch. The idea that the peo-' ple of Pennsylvania, which gave him such a majority, should care more to see a prize beef than the President, was a long time in getting through his head; but when it had fairly crawl- ed through his w Al, I can testify he was agitat- ed. He swore he would get even with the Radi- cals of that State; and the way he grated his teeth, I feel sure he meditates some terrible re- venge. -He may satisfy his vengeance in one way, and he may not:; but, from what I have seen of him, I do not hesitate to :say that I don't think it improbable that he may meditate get- ting even with them for this slight by stumping Pennsylvania for Geary: I trust the party will try and avert such a calamity, but you can't al- ways tell what is going to happen. page: 118-119[View Page 118-119] "8 TRENCfE cQGRAxr. We came back to Washington wid our nar- ratives betune our ligs, to spake in figurative language. And me cousin is in a dape study. He meditates some mischief, and the sooner it is developed the sooner he will be afther getting sober. Me cousin has written a letther to our brother- in law, Mishter Corbin. You see, it is reported that our brotherinlaw made a hape of money be the late panic--it is nadeless to say he speculat- ed different from Ulisses-and if it proves that he has come out ahead, he has got to divide wid us, or away goes his commission as brotherin- law.' I don't think Ulisses would hesitate a mo- ment to cut him off from all relationship wid us, if he refuses to divide. You can see yourself what a position it places us in, to have all our friends and relatives making fortunes, and the head of the'-government growing poorer every day. Why, bless me sowl! we haven't had- a present of any account for eight days, and it's getting mighty dull here. The only mather of a public'nature, of which yez are not informed be telegraph, is the fact- that Gineral Dint has WSERS IS BRIDGET f119 had his moustache colored. This may not in it- self affect the financial affairs of the counthry, but he would feel bad if no mention was made of it. The gineral is the most talented man in the use of profane language of any relative here. I will ax me cousin what he intends to do about Pennsylvania, and'write yez. TEBBNCE MCGRANT. P. S.-I can't make out what the divil has be- come of Bridget. We left her drunk as usual on a shelf in the conservatory, just back of the barn, when we left; but she was not on it whin we returned. I have searched faithfully for her, and am plazed to say she can not be, found. Perhaps I may be cruel, but I hope she may have eloped wid some sinator. A man has many drawhacks in his life, but I hope no one will draw her back. I stand me loneliness very well, I thank you. T, McG. page: 120-121[View Page 120-121] XV'. HE WRITE A S"LSARIOUSl IN LUDING A PROCLAMATION. WASgNTON, D. 0., October Tin, 1869. Mit[iiitT POMREY: DARE Sin: In all the relations of life we, are liable to sarious moments, and me relations wid the besht government, in the person of the chafe maglsthrate, are no exception. We have' en- jyed more sarious moments in our family widin ' the past wake than iver before since the mare died. :This sariousness is hot caused by- ony family affliction, like that above 'named, as the dogs' have all: got over the dishtemper, and all the balance of the family are in a fair- state-of preservation. Me cousin is growin' in grace wid each declining week, and weighs more be five pounds than-meself and another dumb-bell combined. But ye'll be afther excusing this di- gression. I have been accused of slandering the j--.- imilnyi andI :am/thu s pailcutar,;boF ii wight and thiling that I may not be charged wid isuch a crime a second time. The cause of this sariousness is this. Me cou- sin got a lether from a minister in Boston, axing him why in the divel he was not afther appoint- ing a day of Thanksgiving? The gintleman wrote a lether full of stirring reminescences about the former Presidents who had found something in their exparience for which to give thanks, and rather, I tought, abused me cousin for not giving thanks before for the manifold blessings which he had recaved, widout money and widout price, and how the wather of life had been freely given, etc.; although divil the wather of life or ony other wather,has he drunk to me knowledge, :and I have drank wid him about ivery time he has irrigated since I found out I was related to him. But: this is not what I am getting at. Me Cousin Ulisses said he felt like a thafe for rot having a thanksgiving, if that was the custom, although he, had never heard any thing about it before. He wanted to know if it was ony thing like a grane cowar- page: 122-123[View Page 122-123] 122 TEzRrNCrE MCGAN. dance that the Indians used to have in- Califor- nia, and which he said he used to take great in- terest in, wid the nice squaws in full dress, wid a pace of buffalo-hide over their lift shoulder, and a papoose on the half-shell, and the way they would hoe it down, and then go into the chapparal to cool off, and see if any other In. dians didn't want to dance, and--but I aim get- ting off of me subject. He said that if any other President had ony thing that he didn't have, he wanted to know it. He said he was just as loyal as ony President that iver walked, and ony body that cast reflec- tions upon his conduct in not having a thanks- giving was a drunkard, and he could whip him in a bloody minute. I calmed me cousin wid a glass of fishky sint yesterday be a gintleman in Iliinois, who is making this season about forty barrels wid a little dishtillery of his own con- struction-not for the market, however, but for his own use. Afther he had recovered his wonted presents of mind, I towld him that if he would go right at it and appoint a'thanksgiving, the people would not know that he had been SLO PS OVE R LITERARILY. 123 written to on the subject, but would think it a spontaneous outhurst of his natural gratitude for the good things of which he had been the re- cipient at the hands of a grateful people. "But, Teddy," says he, " how can I write ony thing about it, whlen I don't know what to sayT" "Lave that till me," says I. I'll copy an old one, issued by some other Prisident," says me cousin. "Not so long as ye have a litherary cousin living on yer bounty, and not earning enough to pay his kaping," says I. At this me cousin embraced me tinderly, wiped his nose on me red flannel shirt, tuck a drink, and towld me to drive on. He towld me to go at it and write a proclamation, just as I would were I in his place. Says he, "You know all that I have received, and all for which I ought to be tankful; now I will lave it to yerself to fix the thing in foine shape, and sind it to the papers to be published, while I go and discount Boutwell on a game of bil- liards. But, mind you," says he," not a word must be said about the Bricksburg farm or the page: 124-125[View Page 124-125] 124 TERENCO MC GRANrT. gold speculations." And with that he left me to me own destruction. Inclosed yez will find the proclamation; and begorra, ye will be the only paper that will get it, as ye are the only one that supports the ad- ministration in the person of meself: OF-FISHAL. Be the Prisident of the United States ofAmeky : A PROCTLAMATION. KNOW ALL MmIN AND WOMEN BE THESE PRIEsT'S -Consisting of various articles hereinafter min- tioned in schedule-that the yare which is afther drawing to a close has been free from pishtilince and Dimocratic victories, but the divil knows how long we will be free from the latther onless things go different intil Ohio and Pennsylvania; and whereas, the undersigned has been the reci- pient of many evidences of the proshperity of the husbandman, the manufacturer, the miner, the cigar-maker, the horse-jockey, and the like; and whereas pace has prevailed to an alarming extent, at the point of the bayonet; harmony B ow IS THS FOR H .GH? 125 and fraternal intercourse are again rampant; burdens have been lightened, particularly taxes, in a pig's eye; civil and religious liberty have been secured to niggers, monkeys, and other loyal subjects; the finances of the country are in a state of satisfactory fluctuation, and you don't know but goold may raise on y6 at ony moment, and ye may be rooined be not having any to sell; and Whereas, It is customary to give thanks for these tings, to the gintlemen from whom such blissings flow, at least once a year, and begging pardon for not recognizing the receipt of these presints in ony other way than be appointing the giver to a small office; Now,therefore, I, Ulisses S. Grant, President ov the United States, be the grace of God, and cousin to Terence-Mc- Grant, do hereby publicly thank all persons who have presented me wid houses lets, cigars, horses, silver or gold ware, billia tables, Bibles, dogs, or any thing not remembered, and hope that they may so prosper in thisworld's goods that I can have occasion to retur thanks at each returning year for a continuation of their bounty, page: 126-127[View Page 126-127] 126 TERESNCE McGRANT. In testimony whereof, I have hereunto ben afther settin' me hand and affixing me sale, this fiont part of October, 1869. U. S. GRBAT. Be the President. TERENOE MOGRaT, Sicretory Pro bono Republicano Tem. I sind this to yer widout showing it till me cousin, as he is busy wid the affairs of State, playing billiards wid Boutwell, but I'm sure it will be all right. We shall start in a few days for an extended trip through the State of Mary- land, to attend a number of county fairs. There will be no back-water about this, as there are no elections to be held, be which he would injure the party be his presence. Lord bless yez, I must tell yez of Bridget. When we started for Pinnsilvana last week, she got wind of it some way, and she followed us on the nixt train, and is now somewhere in that State looking for us., She was at Harrisburg at the fair, and will probably be at all the fairs looking for us. I hereby warn all paple' from harboring or trusting her on the account of the 2H'E INnVITABLs BRIDaET. 127 government, as shed has left the government's bed and boarding-house widout just cause or provocation, and I shall apply for a divorce im- madiately, on the ground of desertion and cru- elty. And then I am all right. Not that I in- tend to marry, for I have got a betther thing. Me quarrel wid the'Treasury girls is all-made up, and as soon as they found Bridget was gone, they were all in a quarrel as to who should tie to me. What's the use of supportihg a woman, whin you can have half a dozen or more to sup- port you Arrah, sir, I would not exchange places wid Brigham Young if he would give me forty wives to boot. TERENCE MCGRANT. P. S.-I open this letther afther it iB started for New-York, to say that me cousin don't want the proclamation published until he sees it. He bate Boutwell playing billiards, and Boutwell set 'em up. They have come to some under- standing -about that gold business, and I think Mr. B. came down wid half, although divil the cint have I sane yet. T. McG. page: 128-129[View Page 128-129] THE EMEBALDER WRITES SOME LmwrKS FOR Hs COUSIN-HE FEARS HE WILL BE SENT TO A LASKA. WAS8MTwXo, October aten. -MSHt PMMErY-: It is getting moighty hard to furnish a lether ivery wake for yer paper. Ye see, things don't happen wid such alacrity as they did farmerly. Me cousin has got married wid a billiard-table, and begorra, I belave it's the only religion he enjoys, at all at all. He wants to be afther howling balls all the time, night as well as day. I tell him such per- sishtent labor will rooin his feeble mind, and un- dermine his ample comstitution and he says "Dam the constitution; I have heard enough about that." Well, let him go, that's what I say; and if he gets unhappy be rason of his unvirtuousness, and his appetite for billiards, and his unprinci- THE FAIR SEX AT FAIS... .,29 e . . s *. , . ;: * - pamieah yinth e .aasbe th couni trA:', ' eollect damages - tfi a ts plain, for the rason that I have nothing. We went to the fair at Frederick, Md., but it didn't lasht long enqpgh for us to get fairly ac- quainted. We want two days at laisht to get accustomed to the ways of different people. Now, those paple may be loyal, and all that; but you see when I see a crowd making up faces at me cousin whin his back is turned, and the girls laughing at his nate bit of a spach behind their little handkerchefs, begorra, I don't: want to sthay wid them long. It is me private opinion they got meself and me cousin to come there in order to help draw a crowd, and not frbom any love they bear aither of us. Not but that they did the fair thing wid us! Arrah, sir,' ye are right I - We had plenty of illegant ating and drinking, and met cousin said that was all he went there for. F hat we will be afther doing when winter'comes, and they can't have fairs, on account of the frazing of the squashes, is more than I can tell, although me Cousin'Ulis- ses: says -the Lord will provide. X v , . page: 130-131[View Page 130-131] 130 TosngosE MCGRANT. Me cousin got a lether from a horsevman in your place, axing him to deny his complicity in the goold business, and he axed me what he had bether do about it. tIe said he didn't want to be afther telling a lie for ajittle thing like that, especially as -long as so many knew all about his speculations, and how they terminated. And finally he turned the mather over to me, and I answered Mr.: Bonner in me cousin's name. 'You may have sane the lether which I indited to the gintleman, as I think he said hq wanted to publish it in the ledger, to see if it wouldn't help the circulation of the paper. I belave he said he thought me cousin ought to do as much as this for him, in order to assist him about getting back the subscribers which he lost when ould Jesse was fabricating for his paper. -Now, Mishter Pomry, I, know yez -would howld in horror any man what would tell a lie; but I hope yez won't discharge mae, as I did-it at the request of me cousin, who didn't want to get mixed up in the mather any more. And then I had a purpose. Yon always want to have a purpose. That is the sacret of me success. You ANSWErS& UlssES' LE TERS. 1381 see me cousin has long been -under the impres- sion that eventually he would own Dexter, and I thought that if I wrote such a lether to Mr. Bonner as he wanted, and which would be of great benefit to him as an advertising medium, he would open his stable and tell us to walk in. Do you take? Since yesterday me cousin has appared more elated than usual, although he has not taken more than his usual allowance of fishky, and I think he has heard from the gintle- man to whom I wrote, and betune us, sir, it would not surprise me a particle if Dexter should be our property before Sunday. Then, sir,lwhen yez come to Washington, I'1ll take ye to all the places of interest, including the Treasury De- partment, faster then ye iver rode. Now be aisy about discharging me for lying., But this answering the Bonner;letter has got me into business, which I wish I was out of Me cousin is sp well satisfied wid me manner of answering that he has appointed me to answer all letters that come, making inquiries and suggestions, and to answer them in; me, own way. As he has igiven me such power, I will page: 132-133[View Page 132-133] 182 T-ERECB Mc GRANT. answer them through your paper. So here 'we are: !"R J-ONES, BOSTON: Your communication accusing this government of being twins has been recaved, and in reply I would beg leave to most respectfully state that I am not aware that there is any law against it, neither do I believe that it is in accordance wid the Constitution, or in the words of that great man, Solomon, in all his glory, to shoot him on the spot if he won't tak care of the old folks, as the reconstruction act express8lystates. "Tours, for the President, "T2RNCE McGEAmT. P. S.---I have been afther writing this in a hurry, and may have expressed meself but im- perfietly, but will leave it to your judgment whether the colored troops fought nobly. "T. McG." "MR. SAM BRaNiTON, PORTAGE cnrY, Wis.: Your lether axing if the gintlemnan who was , 'CLEdTTRS SAg EE PEACE . 138 lynched at your -place, not long since, was iver a rilative of aither branch of our family, and if so you are sorry he was hung, is at hand, and I take the earliest opportunity to say that you are excusable for the illegant manner in which ye put him through the first degree, if ye had rea- son to belave he was a relative who had not been appointed to office. Before answering in full, this department must be furnished'wid Wan inventory of his effects, as the heirs miius-be no- tified how hard to mourn. This government are now at peace wid 'New-Jersey, 'andi ihOj that the recent rains will have a tendency tWo ivi crease the prospects of let those who are widout stone cast the first sin-cerely yours. -"TERENCE McGRAT, ( "For the President. "p. S.--Yo can use your own judgment as to whether it is proper for me to write like this. -T. MG." page: 134-135[View Page 134-135] 134 TFRANCES CjANT,. BASB. YoTOG, SALfT TLsw CEm: "-rt DAA MAA47M: our, letter, containing the following inquiry, is at hand: 'If a man marries his son's widow, who is a daughter (by a former husband) of one of his own wives, and has children by both of them, and then dies-- and if, then, one of his own sons, by some other wife, marries both these widows, and has chil- dren by both of them, what relation are all these children to each other, one and all, seve- rally and individually f What is the combined relationship, both of affinity and consanguity, of these children, and their parents, uncles, aunts, and grandmothers, respectively V ' "This question does not admit of an evasive reply. It is plain to the government-the best the world ever saw, where a man's a man for all he may be married forty or fifty times, and where the right of the people to pursue happi. ness and so forth in their own way, to the very treshold of his neighbor's hen-house, is not de- nied by the most eminent sorosisters--t say it is plain that the consanguinity of which yez are afther making mention, is of a nature which the - i of a nauewhc h SrKrPTOMSs OF SUICIDE. 135 limited experience of the undersigned, and the preoccupation of his mental facilities, or, as it were-I have turned your letter over to Attor- ney-Gineral Hoore, who knows all about it. "TERENCE, FOR ULISSES. "P. S.-If we have expressed any sintiments in this answer which may conflict wid your ideas of the institution of poligimy, which is dare to every Mormon heart, yez can exercise your judgment about taking any stock in it. As we remarked to Mr. Bonner, we are in a hurry. "T. McG."' And now, Mr. Pumroy, I'll not answer ony more lethers this time, but will tell yez a bit of what me enemies are trying to do till me here. Bridget, wid a sense of her duty toward me which is truly surprising, remains away. I may be too sanguine, and too much elated wid ony good news which I recave, but -I am almost sure that the woman who committed suicide in Phil- adelphia, be drowning herself and her child, was Bridget, although I am at a loss to know fire she got the child. Yet strange things are ,e hed page: 136-137[View Page 136-137] 136 TERENC, M CGvRANT. liable to ocwur; ieven twinhave beep li to ocei irdian reis -laagahei ^ I d o t go to Philadelphia to the post-mortice examina- tion of the body, for fare it may not be Bridget. Just as I have got the thing arranged for the winter in the Treasury Department, ahead of the sinators and things, there comes a retort that I am to be sent to Alaska. There is an or- ganized movement among the divils who swarm around me cousin, sapping up his very life- blood, to get rid of me. They don't like your paper, and try to make me cousin belave you are politically opposed to him, and assure him that I am doing him damage be writing for yer paper, which I know bether. I know of several prisints he has recaved already from gintlemen who would not have known him but for rading your shate. ' Yours, and the like, TERENCE MCOGRANT. P. S.-If these divils insist on me going to Alaska, I shall immadiately go into training for a missionary to the Sandwich; Islands, as I wud preferto:be ate be connubials to being frozen-to death in the summer. , . XV- ABOUT WOEN, GOLD, BAIST BuTLER, BeUeTr, AID OTHER EVILS. WASHNGTON, Oct. 25, 1869. MIsHTE POMRY: The very divil is to pay all over this counthry, and particularly in this house, intirely. Me cousin don't get out of one kittle of hot wather fairly before there is an- other biling for him, and some one ready to push him in again. He is parboiled complately, from wan ind till the other-spaking comparatively. Yes, sir, me cousin has more throuble than ony man in the world, unless it may be Brigham Young. And like Brigham's trouble, it's cas- ed be the women. The President had narely succaded in inticing quite a number of paple into the belafe fthat' he was notafther induging1 in a lusht for geold, on the day which yez ill page: 138-139[View Page 138-139] 188, TERENCS MCNGRAW T remember, and, that none- of the family had ony tphing to do wid the disasthrous spiculations, when the papers came out and proved that me famail cousin-in-law, Mrs. Grant, had her dili-' cate finger intil the pie. And then me cousin proved that he knew nothing about her doing it, to the satisfaction of siveral of his frinds, when the same papers, may the divil blow them! pub- lished a lether from Mrs. Grant to Jlisses's sis- ther, saying that Ulisses knew all about it, and didn't like it worth a cint. O sir! these women. They are moighty foine for sewing on buttons, and other things. They are champions in some mathers, and can bate the world as mothers; but for mothers-in-law, and for the kapeing of state sacrets, they won'l woash! I wouldn't have you think I am down ontil the darlings, nor object to thim, on gineral principles. Divil the once I But me expari- ence with one of the worst famails in the box- that was Bridget-leads me to think that if ye want to kape ony thing from getting before the public-that is, ony thing that ye have rasons for wanting to kape dark--ye must tell it to as FAMLr MATTERs 139 few of these lovely sinners as ye can make it convanient. But don't let me sintiments get out, as Bridget has a right to be dead, and I may be afther marrying somewhat yet. Me cou- sin's sintiments agree wid mine about the ladies, ,particularly his wife, oend he don't care f hether it gets out or not, as I doubt if he will iver mar- ry any more, at laist as long as the present ob- stacle remains, to pour. out tay for him, warm his shippers, and watch him through the shut- ters when he goes till the Treasury Depart- ment. But this is not all the throuble me cousin has. Added to the non-arrival of Dexter, as we had ivery rason to expect, Boutwell has got so he can bate me cousin playing billiards, which gives him more trouble than ony thing since they charged him wid being in the goold ring. And just when every thing was getting quiet about staling, comes along the charge that Butherfaled, the Assishtant Treasurer at New- York, was intereshted in the same dishastrous spiculations, and that the divil actually made money, in the frce of all me losses. This is page: 140-141[View Page 140-141] "O THsRENCE XM GRaNT. hard to bear, To have this understrapper make money, whin it was supposed he was not intil the ring at all, is mnaking trouble in the family, and I tell yez, Mr. Pumry, as a sacret-and ye must not tell ony woman-that if it is proved that this Butherfaled won money, he will be re- moved. I heard it from a man in whom 'I can rely whin-he is drunk, and he was at the time, and the is "me Cousini Ulisses. But if the gintle- man: does a fair thing, and makes it all aisy wid us be dividing, he will be kept in that position, and will recave instructions to "( be not wary in well-doing," but set 'em up again. I must tell yez a bit of a scare we had in the White House on Saturday. M]e cousin rushed out of the billiard-room about 2 o'clock, wid his coat off, and his sleeves rowled up, his hair straiming intil the wind, and ordered ivery. per- son:about the house to pay attintion to what he said. I tought he moight be going to have one of those spells in which he spakes of snakes and the loike, so I thried to coax him to go to his room, and put some cowld wather on his head. But he wouldn't hade me at all. He said he A FRriH rFL VISIT. 141 wanted ivery door in the house locked, except the front door, and ivery article of value in the house put intil the safe, except his wife.* He wanted all the silver-ware, and even his watch and- chain,-which was a present to him, put un- der lock and kay. And he bade me see to it that his instructions were, carried out, and stand over the safe wid a shot-gun until he relaved me; and he went intil the reception-room. Well, sir, we had many fares as to what was the mat- ther. Some insisted that he expected an attack from the Ku-klux, while others thought that it moight be an extra session of Congress, or some other calamity. 'I held to me original opinion of "drunk and dishorderly," and stuck to the safe, as I was afther being instructed. I remained there from 2 o'clock, until 8 in the avening, when me cousin came intil the room, as, pale as a ghost, and wid the shweat pouring off his nose like a New-England /freshet, and says he to me, "Terence, yez can take the wallyables back again. He is gone." ' Gone!' says I. "Who the divil has been here to cause all this throuble and anxiousness " page: 142-143[View Page 142-143] "2 TRENCE MoCGfRAN.. Wi y," says me cousin, "who, of all min, should cause us to lock up our silver but Ben Butler? He has been calling on me. And, be the way," says he, seeing his shirt-bosom was open, "me diamond studs have got losht." And begorra he was right. They were gone, and Butler had been closeted wid him; so ye can draw your own inferences. IMe cousin has got so he don't know what to do about accepting invitations from people in different pairts of the country, to make them visits, since the papers make such a blarney about it. Not only the papers of the opposite party, but those of his own party have caught the infection; and we are in receipt of a wagon- load each day, wid articles marked, abusing him like a thafe. Such is fame and popularity.- Me cousin says hisa course since' he has been President reminds him of the fable of " the man who triedt o plaze- every body, but plazed no- body, and lost his ass in the bargain"I I don't know what he manes be that, as his weight con- vinces me he has not met wid ony such loss as he spakes of, and I heard General Dint say this GOES O O A WEDDING. 143 morning that misses was as big an ass as ever. But I am marely a passenger, so I won't give me opmiion. Cousin Ulisses heard of a wedding to take place in filumadelphia, and as he hadn't .been out of the city to ony recreation in four days, he axed me what I thought about his laving the cares of his position and the billiard-table to get dusty, and hie himself away to the city of bro- therly and sisterly loveliness, and see the two parties of opposite six made one flish, and so forth. I towld him if he would'do me wan fa- vor, he had me consint. 'He said he would do ony thing to have pace, so I gave him Ime bless- ing and a small flask of fishky,' and he was gone. Perhaps yez may wonder what favor me cousin could be afther doing me in filumadel- phia. The only thing I axed of him was to sarch the city over, and bring me reliable intil- ligence of the decease of me late famail rectifier,- Bridget. He- said he would find her if she was there, and if not, find where she was planted, or who dissected her. On his return from the marrying, he towld page: 144-145[View Page 144-145] "4 TER ENCE MoGRANTA me, wid tares in his eyes-for I belave he thinks as much of Bridget as I do-that he was grieved to be obliged to announce that the cray- ther was alive, and in a remarkable state of preservation, and, he added, "May the Lord have mercy on us!"He said that immadiately afther he had concluded his business in the city, he called a couple of ministers, two Quakers, and John Covode to his aid, and they visited every house of ill-fame in the city, seventeen hundred in number. In the third one they visited they found Bridget, and he says she act- ed scandalous, throwing her arms aropnd his nick, sitting on his lap, axing him would he trate, and- the like. To-the question as to whether she iver expected to meet Terence again, she said, "Not unless he reforms, leaves the government protection, and. goes to earning a living like meself." Begorra I can't do that, 'and me cousin says I am entitled till a divorce, on the ground of Bridget laving me bed and boarding-house. Be the way, I thought it sin- gular me cousin should go to so many houses of ill-fame, whin he found Bridget so soon, and I * ULISEs ErXPLAArNs 145 axed him about it, He said the restl of the fel- lows wanted to go around, and he was afitaid of getting lost if he left them, and besides, he didn't want me to ax so many questions. It's all right, I suppose. Me cousin has been a little -cross since. he re- turned, and I fear that Covode has been fixing his mind against me, and it may be I shall be sint to Alaska, which fate I hope I may be spar- ed. They can put me in as Assishtant Trea- surer at New-York, if they want to encourage home talent, relatively spaking. If I get that appointment, I will be afther writing yez.. THENCE MCGLEAT. P. -S.-Me cousin thinks of tendering the first vacancy that occurs in the cabinet to the Syra- cuse petrified giant. HHe has many points of supariority, and may supersede Boltwell. T. McG. page: 146-147[View Page 146-147] XVII. ITTssT sis 0DB HM ON A MTSSTON--HE RE- PATES"FPOR GEAYEY, AND GEr IN JAIL. THE TOMBS, NEW-YORK , (On the You-Rope-in Plan,) Novimber 3, 1869. Msm POMRY: Yez are no doubt tuck back be the hotel from which this -letther is dated. Begorra, yez are no more surprised than I am meself. I expect it would be a haird matther to be afther finding another mimber of the human race that could bate me getting intil scrapes. I1 take me oath I have' not been free from throuble of some kind since I have been wid me cousin, at all. When it an't women it's politics, or some other bothering affair, and may the divil blow me if I rightly understand politics or women aither, as well as some other eminent men of me acquaintance, although they tell me I'll come to it afther a while. '-41A V:t ti Tho * lvaa -^ T , imbsi Fen I iasb atheiei home, airning me bread be the sweat of me eye- brow, and be Bridget's doing a bit of washing, I used to rade of these Tombs, and how crimi- nals were incarcerated here for violation of the law. Arrah, sir, but it niver entered me head that, when I had risen to power and position, and me name was a power in the land, that I would be ever confined ^Here, against me will, for me efforts to save theeounthry. Divil the bit, sir'! And as I sit here, thllining over the past, lamenting the present, and speculating on the future, I thought may be yez raders would like to know how I camn here, and what crime a nmlber of our family could commiitfor which he should be confined. And I'll tell-all about it, if me cousin dishinherits me for it. Well, there had been a lot of political gintle- men at me Cousin Uflisses's, house for siveral lays talking over mathers- in conniction wid the election thin soon to come .off. ; Misther- Ko- voad, the Pennsylvania gintleman, was among them, and all I heard for siveral days was "Horace Grayley" and "repaters." I studied page: 148-149[View Page 148-149] "8 TERENCE M CGRANT. the mather over, but I couldn't make head or tail to the arguments, and finally the parties went away. Me cousin called me to his private room, and says he, "Terence, do yez know what a repater is like V" "Divil the know do I," says I till him, "un- less it may be a pishtol." "Divil the pishtol, Teddy," says me cousin. And then he towld me that a repater was a gin- tleman who was loyal and self-sacrificing, and so wrapped up in fine feelings for the success of the,party, and so persevering and hearty as to be able to vote from mornings till night. He said the country was in need of a number of such haroes, and axed me did I feel loyal enough to sacrifice meself for me country. I towld him I was not positive about me loyalty, as I -never had been in the Freedmen's Bureau, nor stolen spoons from sick women; but that I was willing to have me name handed down to poshterity as a repater, beside his, if he said so. And says me cousin till me, "Teddy, I want yez to go to New-York and BRIDGET AS A REPEATER. 149 repate for Horace Grayley. I want yez to vote for him as many times as yez can, from morw ing till night, and if he is elected, your reward shall be grate." So I tuck a lether of inthroduction to the Union Lage, and left Washington on Monday night, and on Tuesday morning I was early at me duties. Ye would scarcely belave it, but some of the gintlemin who called on me cousin were here too, and we had a foine time. The Union Lage b'ys in New-York are gintlemen, and know how to trate guests from abroad. But some of Kovoad's crowd from Filadelplhia were moighty haird cases; but, bless you! how they could wote. What they lacked in foine looks they made up in the activity wid which they moved from one ward polling-place till an- other. I soon learned me gooty, and was vot- ing in a manner that would have done ould Grayley's hairt good, and would have done a hape toward electing him, when I was interrupt- ed. I had just been afther depositing me elec- tive franchize at the polling-place on Third ave-, nue, under the name of John Brown, whin I filt page: 150-151[View Page 150-151] 160 TERENCE MeGnRAIxY. jgintle tap on the side of me face, which knocked out three of me tathe, and heard the playful remark, "Terence, ye blaggard, come out of that, or I'll break the head of yez." "Arrah, sir, me hairty," says I, "and I'll be afther kaping the flies off yes, while ye are do- ing it;" and I looked around to take the dimin- sions of the gintleman who had extracted me tathe widout pay or pain, when who should I see but Bridget, in male garments, backed by half a dozen other Philadelphia repaters. She had the advantage of me, as she was in her nor- mal condition, drunk; but wid the help of a cousin of mine, whom I have just discovered, Barney O'Dint, I managed to get away wid her, closing her eyes, and laving her sinseless, when the police interfared, and tuck her till the sta- tion-house. Then a kind ould gintleman came till me and axed me could he help me in any way. He said his name was Grayley. I went wid him and tuck a lunch, and he tuck me to another ward, there I woted some more, and finally he axed ime home wid him, and we came here to the IS ARRESTED FOR HS ;LOYALTY. 151 Tombs, and he left me, and I have learned he wasn't Grayley, at all at all, but a detective; and I am locked up for a crime that will sind me till the divil, for all I know, unless our gov- ernment interfares, which I think, is moighty doubtful, as I am thinking it is a conthrived plan of Mishter Kovoad and me Cousin Ulisses to get rid of me. I towld the divils who have charge of me who I am, and that me cousin wud make thim repint for detaining a mimber of the royal family against his will, and they laugh at me, and call me "poor Thray" and the loike. There is one consolation. I am not the only Grayley repater that is in here. Begorra, the house is full of thim; but ould'Kovoad, the blaggard, has escaped. Misther Pumry, I wish yez wud be afther sinding me a clane shirt, and make some effort to get me out of this. Ye must know some gin- tleman who has influence. Plaze see Misther Grayley, and say till him, that although me ef- forts to elect him proved unavailing,still me in- tintion was good, and a word of consolation from him would do me a power of good. Tell , page: 152-153[View Page 152-153] tht, Rte ae. a i s I+- Ache writi till me. :otto be, asd to - l'i^f^- hon;6;X4"Vtowrito ldfii1o him, that I may be able to rade it. I am in a sad condition intirel y. It is moighty cowld here in this place, ana only for a copy of the Di)m'eorat, which I had in me pocket, I should have froze to death lasht night. Send me a bundle of papers to kape me Warm. There is something so warm and genial about yer paper; it's bether for a poor man than a sheuttle of coal.\. Ah Terence! it's in the Tombs yez are. Bad luck till the man who put this job up on me I Ef yez could just inform me about what the pinalty is for repating, ye would confer a great favor. I know about what it is for a Democrat, as I had a frind who was sint up once; but I am of opinion that it comes cheaper, if ye repate for such a man as Grayley. Yer's in confinement a sicond time, TERiENCBc McGar. P. S.-Do you mind that shirt I T. McG. ,XIX. HE GRA"s FBOm TmE TOnB ADETEBB CLAss ON BLAu WMLS IST AND. BLA0KJWlfSl8 TST AWo, CLOSEI Ot To NzB YoBx, Nov. Tin, 1869.) GOOD M0oMNaG TL YEZM1 PE OlnY: This is the divil's own scrape me Cousin Ulisses has been after getting me in, be his anxiety to elect that ould blaggard Grayley, and then his efforts at repating be proxy-that's e-'didn't amount to ony thing 'entirely. I begin to know what our family were so solicitous for Grayley's election' for. They thought the gootis of his office would interfere wid his "' political econo- my" essays, which throubled me cousin consi- derably. But for all the voting for him, and re- pating, he will kape right on inflicting them essays on a suffering paple. Ah sir I that Gray- ley is as blood thirsty as a bed-bug. page: 154-155[View Page 154-155] Me laasht. letherswas from the Tombs, and a foine place it was, barring the bad accommoda- tion for gintlemen, and the throuble about get- ting out, and the bad feed, and the virmin, and other associates wid which one has to put up. Be gorra, sir, I didn't enjy mesilf much there. The society was not as illegant as I had been ac- customed to, although the conversation of the in- mates, wid their stories of horses, and dogs, and game chickens, and- fast-women, made me think of me cousin all thetime; and as me mind wan- dered back to the peaceful moments I had en- joyed at the capital, playing seven-up or draw- poker wid- me cousin on the bottom of a half- bushel measure in the barn nare the White House, or watching him taseing the dogs or the Treasury girls, I could not help wapeing and swearing a bit alternately. The only pleasant episode that broke the monotony of me sojourn at the residence of Mr. Tombs: was the package yez sint me, agraable to me request. I niver felt the nade of a garment so much since the time the bys stole me clothes when I was in swinntnng, and I had to pass a famail siminary T VE Wsomi a Swa 1T. -165 on me way home, and ivery girl had an opera- glass, as I did a clane shirt whin I wrote yez lasht, and whin me-eyes rested: on the linen yez sint me, me overburthened sowl must have vent, and like the soldier, "I laned upon me sword and wiped away a tear," only I didn't have ony sword, and I wiped me nose instead. But, bless yez, Misther Pumry, what kind of a shirt was yez afther sinding me I I put it on, and be me sowl, there were no sleeves, and-thin it was low in the nick, and if it didn't come clane to the flure, I am a Frinchman. It was the twin to one Bridget had on one night, which she borrow- ed of me cousin's wife,- before she left me all alone to die, and I am afther thinkig yez musht have made a bit of a mishtake. Not that I am compla inng--divil the haper; but if the owner should be axing yez for the garment, ye could tell her who is wearing it. Oh! bless yez, it's a perfect fit, barring the fact that it was made to cover more territory in the rare than I have at prisent. Well, this Blackwell's Island is an improve- ment on the Tombs. That is, it is more exten- page: 156-157[View Page 156-157] 16 . T2EKNCE MffCGRs ANT. sive, and out of the noise and bustle of the bu'sy city. I always had a passion for the country at this season of the year; but this is not as popular a place as Long Branch, though I see some par- ties here that were, conspicuous at that summer resort last summer, among which is one gintle- man wid whom me cousin had a game which I think t they called " three-card monte." I won- der was he a repater? I don't think me cousin has dishcarded me in- tirely, for the rason that a gintleman called on me while I was sojourning at the Tombs, and towld me that the Prisident had ordered him be telegraph to look afther me, and exthricate me from the mashes of the law. I -think it was mashes he called it, and I thought at the time I'd like to i'ash the mose of the divil who got me into this murdherin' scrape. This gintleman said his name was Chairley Spincer, and he said he was a loyal Union Lager, and-the most ille- gant shyster in the business, although he was a bit out of practice. But he assured me he would get me out of the Tombs; and its thrue for him hle d-id, but it's a question in me mind whether he TRIA BSFORES' UD OE D6WLING. 157 bettered me condition to any alarming extint be the change. I understood he was going to set me free, and let-me go till me cousin. The gin- tleman was me consul. The judge axed te if I had any consul,t and I towld him divil the one, whin Mr. Spincer got up and said he was just on it, and me thrial begun. Me consult had twenty inimbers of the Union Lage to shwear for him, and it would have done yer hairt good- to'hare thim. Be the powers, Mishter Pumery, if yez iver want any moighty hard shwearing done, you take me advice, and get a detail from the Now-York Union Lage. They can jiist shwear the bronze off a Vanderbilt statue. They shwore that I was naturalized, civilized, galvanized, ostracized, and demoralized. They testified that I was a gintleman by birth, educa- tion, occupation, and cousinly relation. Then me consul I Yez ought to have heard him ex- pound to Judge Dowling the law and thel pro- fits, and advise the judge to letme off, And he towld the judge that if he sentenced me for such a small crime, he would bring down on his own -head the wrath of the whole administration. page: 158-159[View Page 158-159] 158 TAREINCO MesiaANT. But they couldn't fool that judge. He said if the administration did get down-on him, he could buy it back for a bitch pup or a spavined horse and buggy. It wasn't ony use. Afther all the illegant shwearing, and the beautiful talk of me consul, Spincer, the judge jist axed me, says he, "Terence, are yez guilty or not guilty!" "Begorra, Misther Judge Dowling," says I, "I would have tuck me oath that I was guilty until I heard these gintlemen shwear I was not. As there is more of them than there is of me, I am afther thinking they are right, and I am not guilty." "Thin," says the judge, " hat have yez got to say why sintence should not be pronounced on yez " "Only this," says I; ,' that I was sint here be the Prisident, me own Cousin Ulisses, to do a bit of loyal repating for Grayley. That as a, repater I am not a success. That me labors were of no avail, as our man, who ' fought mit -Sigel,' was beaten; hence me crime is not punishable. That as I am a rilative of thish THE JUDGESAS' COMPASSON ON HM. 159 government, me case is out of your jurisdiction, and that if I am guilty, I should be impached be Congress. In view of these facts I think I'll be going." I evidently made an impression on- til the judge. And then said Judge Dowling, "Since this is your first offince, and that ye was unsuccessful in your efforts, and that ye are a rilative of the Prisident, and so forth, I will have compassion on you-" "And many thanks to yez, judge," says I. "' I say, I will have compassion on you, and only send you up for three months, thiefull extent of the law. Next!" And then I was hustled out of the way to make room for other repaters, who I hope won't have any influential relatives, or they will be stuck for all that's out. Well, I think me friends did all they could for me; but there is ividently one court in the country which is not influenced be money and government pa- tronage. Yez would be likely to hare from me from page: 160-161[View Page 160-161] How are yez, three months' confinement? TERENCE McGRANT. P. S.-It would have been money in me pocket if I had been guilty of counterfeiting the currency or defrauding the revenue instead of repating, as thin I would have been pardoned out before dhis. T. McG. * XX. HB RFB1tViSS SOME LvirEXS OF ComaLENOEm. BLAORWILL'S OILAND, NOv. 16. OCH MrTSHaTr PtIrTaFR Y! It's not for the likes of this that I left me Western home to serve me counthrey as cousin-in-law. Ahlsir! many's the time, widin the pasht wake, WiIat' I have been afther wishing meself back in that Wish- consin poor-house, where there was no such thing as repaters known. ThereI could do me day's work, and not have: aiyl turned ontil me at night to keep me frm shpr e'd:ing. This politi- cal life will be the murdhering of me, intirely. The parting of meself and me consul, Mr. Chairley Spinceri and me witnesses, the Union Lagers, was the most affecting sight -ever wit- nessed at the Tombs, and the tares that were shed as I was being driven away prevented the page: 162-163[View Page 162-163] a ^t2 O T InBRit sIOfA NT n streetsprnnaler from, plying his avocation on Cinther? street ,during -the balanceof the day. If me Ceusin Ulisses could have been there wid Bridget, and some of the other blooded stock, the picture would have been most complate. But all that is pasht, and on me arrival at this divil's own place, the barber that belongs to the house took the throuble to shave all the hair off me head, clane as a Chinaman, and not aven laving me the consolation of a queue. Oh I it's no foine thing to be a martyr, and sufer fur the sins of the whole pairty, of which me cousin is the head and fi'ont. But. I have the sympathy of a score of the besht men and women the country has iver produced. Perhaps I can best convince yez of that fact be putting in this letter some of the teshtimonialsl rhieh have chared me in me soli- tude. Hfere is one from me Cousin Ulisses: "WASHINGTON, D. C., Nov. 15, 1869. MY DEAR COUSIN TEBcoE: Be a dispatch from John A. Kennedy-who, be the way, has spoke for- an office when the Diwmmeerats turn I rsss WIT 163 him out--I learn of your misfortune (or good fortune) in being arreshted for your loyalty on election day, in working for that grate and good man, Grayley. I say good fortune, from the fact that any man with a large and expansive mind, like yours, must consider it an honor to suffer for the cause of fallen humanity-which is our party. It would be a great feather in your cap if they would hang you-then your children, or Bridget's-should she marry again--could point to the sufferings of the author of their be- ing, and say, ' We are the children of a martyr! ' Remember John Brown, Ben Butler's father, Lucretia Borgia, and g host of others whose lives were sacrificed that a nation might live 1 Yes, Terence, you are in luck; and if you keep a ;stiff upper lip, youwil be- out of that before you know it.: I have an appointment to make, ad as, all our brothers-in-law- are provided -for, . shall have to send for you. So you just be aisy, consume your rations, and uphold the dignity of the, family. Be- the -way, Athwat cream-colored stallion I, left at ,Washin'gtot, ,PPa,;,;is -dewad. Some disloyal party, has givten him the glainders. page: 164-165[View Page 164-165] 164 TENCE. IMc GRANTZ. See Bonner,- when you get out, as I see he has just paid $20,000 for a horse., "Your loving cousin, "ULISSES SPSON." The above lether from, me cousin has had the effect of charing me up a bit, and me imprison- ment would seem light, only for this lether be- low, from the gintleman for whom I committed the crime that brought me here: 4X TRIBUNE OFFICE, N. Y., Nov. 15, 1869. A TERENCE MCGRANT: Dam you! so you voted for me, did you Any myan who voted for me once is a villain; and if you voted for me eighteen times, you are guilty of crimes enough to send you to Congress. As a foretaste of your future punishment, I send you, by mail, bound volumes of the Tribune for the past two hundred and: fifty years, which I hope. you will peruse, you habitual, and self-proclaimed Irishman! Also send you some of my political economy lectures, which you can putin- your pipe and -HOiACE DRAWS IP MLD. 16 smoke after reading the first installment. 'Vil- lainous cousin of an imbecile President I ("Yours mildly, "HORCE G. RF..T lY.." Yez will no doubt see be the above lether that Mishter Grayley is faling dishplazed wid me, and I can't account for it. But a clear con- science is me only consolation. Me nixt source" of comfort is in rading the following lether from Mr. Bin Butler. Ye may have heard of him. He is one of our party: LOWELL, lSS., Nov. 15, 1869. "T. MCGRANT, COUMN OF THE GREATEST CAP- TAIN OF THE AGE: I am informed be a dealer in silver-ware, in New-York, to whom I have been selling some old articles that had accumulated on me hands, that you have been arrested, and convicted of repating,: and have been sent to Ilackwell's Island. - This is bad foryour family, xvho will miss you so much, but it is- a good thing for you. It will be the making of your character, and before you are aware ov it, your CUT ov -it, your page: 166-167[View Page 166-167] 166- TSR:ENCO- MCGRAN . name may be up before the country as a-candi- date for the highest office in the gift of the peo- ple. What is to hinder it? You' have more ability than your Cousin Ulisses, and by the time your sentence expires, you will have done as much for the party as ever your cousin did. I am glad you are not confined for any dis- honesty ; for that is something I have always set my face against. No man can point to a single dishonest act which I have ever committed, The Butlers, since the death of me father, who committed suicide be hanging, wid the assistance of a sheriff, have always been a law-abiding and loyal people. I mention these things in this connection, that you may see that I am to be considered in for a share of the spoils, in case that you are ultimately a great man. I would suggest to you, in case you are elected President, the impropriety of appointing your relations to office. f They never have:done the fair thing by you. There are lots of us honest people more wot hy than any of your family. "Your silver-plated friend, BUTLER." , A CoAzImoN.. . 167 I can not write ony more, Misther Pumry, to- day, as the manager of this institution has kind- ly detailed me to unload coal from a tug that is now at the landing. This is not exactly the kind of business a Grant should be engaged in, but it's all for the good of the party, I suppose. Your owld friend, TEwENCE MoGRANT. P. S.-I am inclined to think, from friend Butler's lether, that we may have done him in- justice in former issues of the Democrat. Can't yez come and take dinner wid me on Thanks- giving I T. doG. page: 168-169[View Page 168-169] XXI. THE FENAN GOES TO TEXAS, AND FINALLY SMUGGLES HMSELF TO MFWXTCO IN SELF-DE- FENSE. MATAMORAS, XF XTCO, November 24. DoS SENIOR POMERO EL DEMOCRACIO UNDER ALL CICUMSTACHO BPE JABERS: It's mighty lucky for yerself that yez didn't accept me invi- tation to ate turkey wid me on Thanksgiving, because yez wouldn't have found me at Black- well's Oiland, nor the turkey aither. Yez will observe that I have been afther ad- dressing yez in the Spanish language, at the head of thish lether. I am full of just such ex- pressions, and will- tell yez how it came about. The following epistle irom me Cousin Ulisses will be the manes of explaning me present situ- ation: "ME DABLING COUSIN TjfCfNOff: Inlosbed yon will find a pass that will extricate you from pri- son. As soon as you get out, I want you to go immediately to Brownsville, Texas, on the Rio Grande. The people of that State have become so clamorous for more troops to protect them from the Indians, and to prevent Mexicans from smuggling beef cattle into Mexico without pay- ing the revenue, that I have concluded to send you there as a reinforcement. I want you to patrol the river from Brownsville to Eagle Pass, three hundred miles, and not let any thing cross the river without they come down with their piece. Whatever you get must be in specie, and you must remit to me regularly every week. In the course of your duties I want you to be, come convarsant wid the Spanish language, bet cause I have determined to recognize Cuba, and I must have some one connected with the gov. ernment that can speak the language. Go! And if you are scalped by the Indians, or shot by Greasers, remember, virtue is its own re- ward. If yoq qcoue oat alive, when Cuba is a page: 170-171[View Page 170-171] 170 TERM NCB M'o6GRANT. part of the United States you shall be gover- nor. How is that for high . "Your loving cousin, "ULISSES SIMPSON." On the resate of the above characteristic let- ther, I tuck me departure from prison, and soon found meself at the risidenee of me cousin-in- law, Misther Corbin, at whose house I arrived just in time for the Thanksgiving dinner; and I was recaved wid great respect. The Corbins thought I was the bearer of negotiations of peace from Ulisses, wid whom the family have had no inthercourse since the goold specula- tions; but they were nmshtaken. Och sir I yez ought to see what a change a few weeks have wrought in brother Corbin. Instead of praying like a careful Methodist, begorra he shwears like Horace Greeley,. In the place of the bless- ing he was accustomed to ask, before partaking of the meal, he axes for a bothe of wine, and I learn that he has taken to fasht horses and wo- men, in his endeavors to conciliate Cousin Ulis- ses. Och murdher I but what a change. "EASRS 'TLEE WORST SPABNIS. 171 Afther borrowing a bit of money and a change of clothes, and laiving the famail shirt I got of yerself for Mrs. Corbin, I tuck the cairs for New-Orlanes. I remained here about three hours, waiting for a boat for Brazos Santiago, and was called upon be half the citizens, who were anxious to shake be the hand owld Ter- ence. It was not that I was a mimber of the government, why they wanted to embrace me, but the fact that I was a correshpondent of yer paper. Ah! sir; those Crayoles are all red hot. 'Afther forty-eight hours of the most illegant saysickness that I ever came across-and which reminded me of me cousin afther sampling the fresh arrivals of fishky at the White House hav- ing up Jonah all over the house-I arrived at Brownsville, and have entered upon me duties. I am learning to talk Spanish Arapidly, and, in fact, I shall pay more attention to the lan- guage than the cattle. " como la wa you stay and let me go, otro low del -no, set 'aem 2up " How is that for a man who has only been here three days? But there is one thing I must complain of a page: 172-173[View Page 172-173] 172 TBSRmsN o MCGRANmT. bit, and that is, the government's sending troop? out here unarmed. It would be all right if I was a Quaker, or ony other coward; but for a troop of unquestioned bravery to undertake to reconstruct this country widout aven a pishtol, where all the citizens have half a dozen revol- vers, is certainly preposhterous, and -on a par wid other actions of me cousin in his delirious moments. Why, thish very morning I learned that a party of Greasers were crossing a drove of cattle at a ford a mile above town, when I patroled up there wid me Cousin Ulisses's let- ther of instruction. I found six gintlemen in- tieing cattle into the river and landing them in Mexico, when I towld them, they must pay me a dollar a head in specie, at the same time tak- ing me position in front of a vicious Texas steer. It must be the steer was not convarsant wid the United States language, for he tuck me ontil his broad - orns and landed me in a bunch of cactus, and quietly went across widout pay- ing. I axed the gintlemen would they put a stop to this disloyalty, when twelve revolvers were ;immadiately pointed at me vital parts, and "AN'T 2KAP O T OFP POLITICS. 173 the shooting that occurred was afther reminding me of a New-York target excursion. Be the powers, they made a sieve of me clothes, and one of the gintlemen shot three flies off of me nose and ears, widout striking me person, These Texicans are too handy wid fire-arms, and a government troop widout arms don't stand ony chance at all. The cattle all got acrass, and divil the cint bether off was the gov- ernment. I think at laist one more troop ought to be sint here to reinforce me. I returned to me camp, at Miller's Hotel, and had me wounds bathed in fishkyand me clothing amputated-be a tailor, and drew a new suit of clothes, which was charged to the government. When I came to JBrownsville, I didn't intend to havesany thing to do wid politics; but as soon as the laders of our party here heard of me arri- val, they asked me would I be afther making a spach in favor of the Radical candidates, I towldl thim that there were only two of the can- didates of whom I could speak, and those were Dais, candidate for Governor, and Honey, can- didato for Treasurer. I informed thim that I page: 174-175[View Page 174-175] 174 TSRNCX MCjSRANT. had a passing acquaintance wid those men, and if they wanted me to do the like, I would tell all I knew., So they called a mating and I was introduced as a cousin of Ulisses, the great Presidint. The charing was immense. I towld them that Davis proved his loyalty in the late misunderstanding be a raid he made in Missis- sippi, where he crippled the resources of the rebels by taking a piano from a secession wo- man at Pascagoula, thus preventing her playing "Dixie." That he humbled the same family be compelling them to ate wid wooden spoons, and knives and forks. He did this be taking away their silverware. That'he made a rebel com- mand -of twenty men run for over a hundred miles through the pine weods, trying to kape up wid the rare of his command of five thou- sand cavalry, and niver lost a man. This was recaved wid chares for Davis. Thin I towld the crowd how Honey. prayed and dealt out physic for his country during the war, although he always happened to be sick just previous to a battle. How he helped the poor sick soldiers be gathering' sanitary stores in the North, and TzROWN INTO TE RIVER. 178 selling them to sutlers at Cairo. How he al- ways carried the Bible wid him during the war, and one time when he forgot the good book, how he stole a copy from a Masonic Lodge at Clinton, La. At this point in me spach I dish- covered that I was not giving the besht of satisfaction to me harers. The crowd yelled "Froad!" "He's an imposture!" and before I could collect meself they tuck me and put a rope around me nick, and dragged me to the bank of the river. It is moighty lucky for me- self that Tixas was made widout trees, or me nick would have bin fractured sure. The crowd looked all around for a tree, but not be- ing able to find one, they concluded to drown me; so they tied a sthone till me and chucked me intil the Rio Grande. Here the expariance I got at Long Branch lasht summer, when I up- held the woman movement in the wather, was of great service to me;in fact, saved me life. The sthone on me nick was:just about the weight of a woman, so I swam till the other shore very nicely, and found meself in Mata- moras, Mexico. Those Brownsville politicians page: 176-177[View Page 176-177] "6 - TW'^APiNOB-9K' ' ire the-most iithusiastic people the world has yet produced. If you see me Cousin Ulisses be- fore I do, tell him to kape dare of that place, as I don't belave they would hesitate to kill ony of our family on the slightest pretext. I am progressing finely in me studies,-and shall kape on this side of the river until Seward arrives here from the intarior. Me teacher is a young seniorita,- who slapes in the room joining mine, and chucks uieen sabe at me through a knot-hole in the partition. Yers in much trouble. TERENCE MCGANAT. P. S.-If these Greasers don't use me for a target, or stale me postage-stamps, I will write you again, Au reservoir. T. MoG. XXtI. HE REiut1la FEOM MTCx)C, AND A8BITSS ABOUT THE MF8SkaD-XlL18SFB HUAS' A SPELL.." WASHNGTON, December the 2. -MtsrEB POMY': I am once more in the land of the free and the home of congressmin and other ills that flesh is heir to. It wasn't tin mi- nutes afther I poshted me lasht lether till yez at Matamoras, whin a gintleman brought me a tile- graf dishpatch from me Cousin Ulisses, ordering me immadiately. back till Washington The man said he thought it was a mather of great importance, as the dishpatch was mighty hot when he tuck it off the wires. And he was moighty right. "I treturned .here as soon as iver 'stameboats andR e fTh , : MDbring me, and I found me Cousin, Tlisses in the divil's own bad way indade; and, begorran I amothirning if I hadn't' arrived just in the nick of time, tMishter page: 178-179[View Page 178-179] 178 TErSaN Mcf iw s Koldfx -would now bef here Andy Johnson was jist afther Mishter Booth played a shtar engage- ment, afther which he broke his lig, and there was some' funerals, as ye'll remember. Ye see there is no one can get along wid me cousin when he has one of them spells like meself, and gintlemen of our pairty sinsure him very strong- ly for sinding me off on such expeditions, repat- ing and the like, where I am liable to be arrist- ed, and confined like a plabian, when he is liable to have them at ony moment. I shall sthay here all the time now, and thry and kape me cousin aqual to ony emergency. He says that the ]ether by which I was liberated and sint to Texas was a forgery, as he niver intinded to sindl te there at all; but he is well pleased that it turned out so well. We are not sure who was guilty of the forgery, but suspicion points strongly to a certain New-York editor who has done a bit in the forgery line pravious. However, I forgive him wid me whole hairt, and hope he may live to assist me again wid his well-known powers wid another man's pen. As I was just afth remarking, me Cousin HOEW- VRQM A FOREIQNr SOOR. 179 Ulisses was in a bad way whin I arrived here. What wid his forthcoming missage, and the bo- thering office-sakers that come here wid the Con- gressers, he had been taking to the flowing bowl somewhat extinsively since-me departure, and was getting unpleasant to the whole family. They are all seared as the very divil of him, whin I am absent. I niver shall forget the scene that transhpired as I was ushered intil his pri- since, on me return from Mexico. Me prolong- ed absence of over a week in a thropical clime bad bronzed me face wid the tint of an owld- fashioned cint, before the government used bogus coin. The Grasers had traded me out of me good clothes, and in place of the old pair of me Cousin Ulisses' trowsers which I wore away, I had a pair of tight-fitting buckskin breeches, that made me legs look like a pair of owld-fashioned candle- moulds. In lieu of the illegant semi-military coat which Mrs. Grant had presented me before I went to New-York repating, and which was worn be Gineral Dint in the Mexican war, I had on a short buckskin jacket wid the arms so tight that they stopped-the circulation of blood: On page: 180-181[View Page 180-181] 180 TZOC cRA NT. me Websterian head' was the most astonishing Mexican sombrero that iver was sane, I am sure. Of course I was not looking like a prime minis- ter, but, on the conthrary, like one of Canales' cut-throats, and I didn't blame the crowd of boya from following me through the streets to the Phite House. Gineral Dint, the commis- sioned porther -at the door, knew me on the in- shtant, and was moighty well' plazed to see me intirely, and let me in till the 'Prisident's room widout delay. There I found me Cousin lisses in his night-shirt, 'taking a bit of shtimulant. His attendant, a' famail, retired through a back winfdy head first, on seeing meself. She tuck me for the divil, and thought, av coorse, that me business was wid the chafe magisthrate. Just as he was raising the glass till his lips, I sphoke: "Wanos deas senior el Presidebta?' says I, in the language of met iasht adopted coun- thry. "Turn out the guard," says me cousin, "and shoot him on the shpot!" at the same time open- ing a'fresh'demij-ohn of fishky.' see that, and g6'yo'd'ne better."ays U'LISSSS AS :tSPE L S" 181 I, pulling two bottles of fishky out from under the bed, and pointing them at me cousin. "Ah," says he, "now you speak a language wid which I am familiar;" at the same time pass- ing me a corkscrew. We tuck a drink, afther which he tuck a look at me; when he manifested his joy and surprise be tearing his shirt into strings. He embraced me until I thought I had the whole United States government on me shoul- ders. Finally I persuaded him to put on his clothes and thry and act like a sane man. He was mighty well plazed to see me, and we pass- ed a pleasant hour talking over the state of the country, and the prospects of getting out a mis- sage. Me Cousin Ulisses talked quite rational for about fifteen minutes, whin he jumped up like a wild man, and began to act bad. He is nervous ; that's what the doctors call it. "Ner- vousness, superindooced be too fraquent irriga- tion of the throttle," one docther says. The only way I can bring him to a realizing sinse of the state of the counthry, during one of his tan- trums, is to throw hini down, sit on his stomach, and dampen his forehead wid a bit of and-paper. page: 182-183[View Page 182-183] 1882 T raSJ ' GSRlevW. It appares to soothe and quiet him. I brought "him together in this way, and thin he towld me all that had occurred since I left. He said that the curiousest case entirely come up, a few days since. You see the report got started that a girl, who had been acting as assis- tant oucumbervine to one of the heads of de- partments, had committed suicide. It wasn't tin minutes afther the story got out before every department was closed, and no head could be found. ]Me cousin went to one of the depart- ments on some business, when he heard the news, and he went home and shut himself up, and then every thing in the city was afther be- ing closed for twenty-four hours, and divil the business could be done at all at all. The joke of the mather was, that every public man thought it was his famail that had committed suicide, and they feared she had lift a lether explaining mathers. Of course ony girl who had ony thing to do wid a public man, in a business way, is excusable for making way wid herself; but, it would show some breeding on their part if they would give notice of the fact beforehand, so the o HEfzzrxa Burrr Sr, OUr. 188 government would not be embarrassed by their unadvised actions. ]Me cousin wants me to prepare meself to go to New-York once more, afther which he says I need not lave him again as long as he is chafe magistrate. Ye see, Mishter Butler, a friend of me Cousin Ulisses, has been arrested for doing a bit of accumulating during the war, in the way of spoons and other silver-ware, and also some broadswords. What me cousin-wants me to do is to go to New-York and dishguise meself as a gintleman-which will be moighty hard, consi- dering my family relations-and represent me- self as a returned volunteer, and say that I was present at the time ZMishter Butler tuck the property, and that I heard him say, wid me own eyes, that he did not intend to stale the silver; but that he intinded to kape the articles in the archives of his family, tot be handed down to pravious ginerations as hairlooms. I am drill- ing meself night and day on the teshtimony whiich I am to give, and if I succade fin claring the ould devil, I am to have me pick out of ony thing which he stole during the late fratricidal . page: 184-185[View Page 184-185] 184 TBRENCE MC GRANT. strife. - Don't let this get out there in New- York., It would do yer sowl good to see the new ar- rivals of congressmen, and watch the arrange- ments they are making for the winter. Since the Treasurer, Mr. Spinner, has been sick, the Treasury girls have run loose, and they are be- ing picked up be the sinators very rapidly. There will be a great many changes this winter. The girl that lived wid the gintleman from Massachusetts last winter has shwore off, and is trying to lade a different life be kaping a house of aisy fame on Pinnsylvania avenue. Some of our party are grieved at the efforts of certain parties to prevent the confirmation of 0. H. Lagrange as Superintendent of the San Fran- cisco Mint. Some good men of our party are trying to injure this Lagrange, for nothing1 else in the world than that he left his lawful wife in Wisconsin, and run away to California wid a common famail substitute. Some of our besht men argue that if a man is to be shpotted, and thrown overboard for a little thing like that, no prominent Republioanr is safe. On the same A MESSAGE FROM ' WHOM" '185 ground charges might be preferred against ony of us. Ah! begorra, this thing musht be nipped in the bud, or we are gone till the divil. We have got the message well under way, and I think, if me cousin will lave me alone for a few days, I can have it all right; but so far he bothers me wid suggestions decidedly foreign to the subject. For instance, I was jist now writ- ing me cousin's views on the reconstruction of Mississippi, when he insisted that I should put right in the middle of the page the highly origi- nal remark, "The colored troops fought nobly." And in another place, when I was in the midst of a paragraph about collecting the Alabama claims at the point of the bayonet, he towld me to put in, "Let us have pace!"Wid these ex- ceptions, the thing is getting along finely. I will sind you the message in advance of all other papers. Yours, home again from a foreign shore, TERENCE MCGRANT. P. S.-I wish yez would presint a bill till the Union Lage for me. I voted twenty-three times page: 186-187[View Page 186-187] 186 it m s, 7-k .MxcGS'.- - forayle at five dollars a repate, and haven't got me money. I will give yez tin per cint for yer throuble. T. McG. Ad .B XXTTt. HE TTr;rTS ALL ABOUT HOW THE MESSAGE WAS WITTsEN,' ETC. WASHNmGroN, Dec. siven; 1869. Mimi'b'S PurMrmY : At lasht the thing is over, and we all brathe fraer. Thish last has been the worst week iver exparianced by our family, and we thank our stars no more missages will have to be delivered for the next year. Me Cousin Ulisses has lost over twenty pounds of mate since I begun to write his missage for him, and the rest of the family have losht as much more. But the agony is over, and we can recu- perate on the fishkly sint/to us as the result of the late raid to Brooklyn, which you no doubt remember. It's vile stuff, but the besht we can do until the result of the illegant message be- gins to rowl in. If the document is properly appraciated, we think the importers of fluids will not let us suffer. page: 188-189[View Page 188-189] o/ma:wid a heart could have failed to ave been dapely impressed, could he have witnessed many scenes in our hishtory for the pasht wake. Many of them, could they have been sketched on the shpot, would have made the fortune of a painter or a paper-hanger. They would have been worthy the pencil of an artist or a short-hand reporter. The Prisident, lying on a sofa, dic- tating sintinces to moe-afther I had suggested them to himt-wid one hand grasping a glass filled'wid soul-stirring .reniniscences, and the other howlding a spoon. In the -background was- Mrs. Grant, wid a cloth saturated wid cam- phor, occasionally applying it to me cousin's head and stomach. Iver and anon Ulisses would .r, over on the lounge, take a whif at his cigar, lid shpit onw the cairpit wid a dishplay of talent that would -have- done honor to .Noah .Webster. Again e would take- a. sip from his glass, and turn to me wid a hickup, and say, "Terence, how are:yez getting along wid the miissage'" , i " Ah sir! yer honor,"' says I, "I have already got to the sale fisheries of Alaska!" , i, . . . . i . ' cTALEV AND "WoR' LOZ aENE. 189 "Set ea, up!" says me cousin, and he would rowl over, and have the camphor applied. 0 sir! it must have been a terrible strain on his mental organization to have me sit there and write that missage. And do- ye mind, I don't belave half the people who rade it will give me the credit of writing it, as ivery paper I have read except yours alludes to me cousin as the author of it. But I have the consciousness of knowing that Mrs. Grant and Gineral Dint oould tell the thruth about it, whin the time comes. But if it niver gets out that thish docu- ment emanated fronm me pin, I will have the sa- tisfaction of knowing that I am not the first ob, i:ure person that have proshtuted talents, that some great man might recave the benefit. But me cousin, in his imnosht heart, I know thanks me for me efforts in behalf of the counthry,- for he made me a prisent of one of his owld vests this morning, and in the pocket I found a box of worm-lozenges and tin cints. What do you think of this sintence in the mis- sage I:'? !"With freedom of the pulpit, and press, and page: 190-191[View Page 190-191] 190o TEnRNcE FC&RAxNT. schbols; with a revenue flowing into the national treasury beyond the requirements of govern- ment." That is not mine. Me cousin suggested that to me as I was writing about manufactories and things, and I had to put it in, although I tried me besht to convince him that the revenue was not beyond the requirements of the government. He said he believed he was the government, and thought he ought to know how much reve- nue he required. It's no use talking till him when his back is up, so I was obliged to mar the fair proportions of the shtate document wid such a fabrication. And another thing bothered me the worst way. Me cousin insishted on something about the tin-year office act. That Was something I didn't'know ony tiling about, and I towld me cousin s o; but he insisted that it didn't make ony difference, as he didn't neither, but he could make folks think he did. He is afraid that whin his time expires he can't be elected again for tin years, and I guess he is right, although I don't -TEN YEAR OF OFrCEO ACT. 191 know much about the'tin-year act ; but I put it in to kape pace in the family. You will notice that I asked Congress to raise the salary of certain, officers. Me cousin couldn't understand why I should suggest the raising of the salaries of judges of the Suprame Coort, and say nothing about raising the salary of the President, and he wanted me to sthrike that out; but I overruled him by axing him to drink, and during the process of irrigation he forgot, as great men sometimes will forget such things. The secret of me asking Congress for the raise of salaries was this. Ye see, I had " inter- vieweld" the judges of the Supreme Coort, and spiked them. If Congress raises their salary, I am to have twenty-five per cint of the increase. How is that- for a sthroke of policy I O sir I I am learning the ways of the counthry more and more iveryday, and I am of the opinion that before Congress has been in session a month I can lobby ony bill through that me friends may desire. Yel may be surprised at the shtand I have page: 192-193[View Page 192-193] 192 TEREn..C'x MCGRAT. taken in the message on the Cuban question, in view of what I had towld yez praviously. I am secretly in favor of the recognition of. Cuba, and so is me Cousin Ulisses, and all the family, as soon as the people of that island show a proper appreciation of our influence. Nothing less than a warranty dade of a sugar plantation for ache and ivery mimber of our family, from the Presi- dent up till meself, will change the policy of the administration, as set forth in me message of lasht Monday. No, sir Spain, wid an appra- ciation of our importance which does:them credit, has sent one hundred thousand dollars in goold here, to be used among the family, to secure the advocacy of the very policy which has been pro- mulgated; and be the jingling in the pockets around me, it is ivident the money has been used. If it were not a fear that it would be gobbled up be the posht-office clek s, I would sind yez a twenty-dollar goold-pace,:to show you that me position here is not widoUt its reward. I surprised me washwoman thish morning be paying her for washing me shirt wid a five dollar gold-pace. THBO CA SDISVn QAiT. 193 Let me explain the following sintence to yez: "There are many subjects not alluded to in this message which might with propriety be in- troduced, but I abstain." In that sintence I have reference to the dish- covery of the Cardiff giant. When men dishcover such a thing asthat, and want it properly advertis- ed, it is proper for them to sind to usa sufficient remuneration. I have waited long and patiently to hare from Syracuse; but the gintlemen having the petrifaction in charge have neglected to come done wid their piece; so they can't com- plain that I have not alluded to it in me cousin's missage. I hope this will tache them a lesson, as well as all other people who may have an ax to grind. Bonner, had he discovered it; would have sint us a check for the proper amount on the inshtant. I put in the following sentence, not from any- fear that the people would consign us to oblivion when our term expires, but to jist show thim that we had a conscience, between us: "In a short taco we must caph of us return to * . . page: 194-195[View Page 194-195] 194 MTORss MOaG^ANZ , the ranks of the people who have coIferred upon us our honors, and account to them for our stew- ardship. I earnestly desire that neither you nor I may be condemned by a free and enlightened constituency, nor by our consciences." No, sir! We don't intend to return to the ranks of the people, if we have ony thing to say about it. We shall howld on to the office as long as there is a salary to draw or a present to re- ceive. From the power behind the throne, TERENCE McaGamT. P. S.-Ye may talk about yer total abstinence, and Tnake yer timperance spaches, and timpe- rance societies may pass resolutions against the use of intoxicating drink, but it is me opinion that nothing but a free use of alcoholic stimu- lants would iver have got me cousin through the lasht week of his life alive. Fishky is the main shtay of the government. T, McG. xxV. HE 18 STUDYING FOR ATTONEY-GiNRRT.--AN OPINION 'ABOUT' MOVING TnE' CAPrITA-FREE- TIDE. WASHNGTON, D. 0., December 15. MS'mTEj PUMPER Y: ME Cousin Ulisses is af- ther me. He says Baist Butler has been kicking up the divils own row because a mimber of oaur family is writing for your paper, and me cousin wants me to write till yez under a- dishguised name. Divil the bit, sir. The rest of them may be ashamed of the name "Grant;" but as for me, I will bear it aloft intil the breeze; as long as there is a chance to li ve, an d move, have &bedroom wid a carpet, and clane shates, in the WhIte House.* I'm afeared that :ould divil, Buthler, will kape on pryng into me fa- mily saerets, until I shall be afther killing the- owld,;spon-sta i g: cocqke ye '- . Ah Mishter Pummery 1 it's moighty onlucky page: 196-197[View Page 196-197] 196 TERNCn McGBRAArT. for me that I didn't turn me attintion to the shtudy of the law, the lasht few years, instead of proshtituting me talents sawing wud. If I had the laisht shmattering of law intil me carroty head, I might to-day have had an office of which ony man in all Ameriky might be proud. Me Cousin Ulisses towld me jist this minute that "only for me dam'd ignorance" he would put me on the Suprame Binch. But as I was dificient, and there was no other mimber of the family onprovided for, he was obliged to put ould Hoore there yer humble servant had a right to be. Och! the fool that I am. Whin I came -here, if I had only towld me cousin I was a lawyer, all would have been well. But I have a soft thing on the sate made va- cant be the promotion of owld Hoore. Me Cou- sinMUlisses towld me that if I wud get a law- book and study avenings for two wakes he would appoint me attorney-gineral, which office is now vacant; and I have purchased 'eryv Man his own lawyer, and the way I am inserting sicond- hand lagal intelligence into me massive hat is a wonder to be sure. I have skipped the part' of MEDITATES A FEARFUL VEEVEGNE. 197 the book which alludes to chattel mortgages, as I knew all about that before. A man in Wish- consin had a chattel mortgage on me cow, and tuck her away from me. Ah! but didn't Bridget make him repint? She bate him until he said his prayers; and thin made him give back the cow and furnish a pashture for her all-summer -the cow, not Bridget. Och, and I'd give a hape to know what Kovoad has done wid me wife. I think I will be afther suing him for damages, and if I don't get it, why, begorra, I can kill him, and probably Bacher will marry him till her, whin he is in the coffin, and me cou- sin could pairdon me, and--but to return to me subject. This law, wid which I am filling meself, is a bad thing for a man's character. I am so full of it that I am constantly on the lookout for a chance to chate some one.' They all call me shquire now, and I am constantly besaged wid Treasury girls, who want me to prashicute some sinator for brache of promise, or brache of some- thing. And what is alum money 2 They offer to divide the alum money wid me; but what that is I don't know, but as long "as it's money it will page: 198-199[View Page 198-199] 198 TERENCS McGRANT. find a-friend in meself, or ony other mimber of our fatnily. - Since it has been generally talked around that I am to be the attorney-gineral, I -have had many a call from prominent min, who want me opinion on various subjicts; and among them was Misther Reavis, of St. Louis, who has symptoms of in- sanity on the subject of removing the capital to some settlement on the Mississippi River. Before I gave him an answer, I counseled wid me Cou- sin Ulisses. He said he was in favor of having the capital and all the outhuildings removed to St. Louis, or onto a farm which he owns about eleven miles from "there. -He said that our fa- mily had: an opportunity to make a hape of money out of the different parties who are in- therested in one way or another, aither in kaping the capital where it is, or putting it on whales, and shtarting it for the West. He towld me that he would favor a removal, and make all the money he could out of the St. Louis paple; while I must strongly urge the necessity of its reman- ing foere it is, and make all I could out of the paple of the Dishtrict of Columbia, and whin we A HAE4LTSH OPINION. 199 got through we would divide. So I am for its remaining here. Me cousin towld me to give the gintleman an equivocal answer whin he axed me for me opinion, and if he urged me to recave any money, to take it under protesht. So whin Mr. Reavis called ontil me again, and mentioned the subject, I towld him I had prepared an opi- nion in writing, which I would rade to him. Thin I tuck down a volume of Grayley's political economy, and read to him for four hours. Whin I got through, he handed me a package of money; but as I didn't know what me cousin meant be taking it under protesht, I tuck it un- der me arm. The gintleman said he was highly plazed wid me opinion, and that it was a valua- ble document for filing in the arkives of the go- vernment, and all that, and that he should be plazed to sind copies of it till his constituents; but at the same time his ignorance of the law, and of the manner wid which great men were in the habit of expressing their ideas, compelled him to say-although he was ashamed to say it -that he couldn't understand by it whether I was in favor of a removal of the capital or not. page: 200-201[View Page 200-201] 200 TERSENCE -McGRAr. I towld him that all great men had, at some time or other, found it difficult to so word their ideas as to make them plain to the common herd; but that we could hardly be blamed if men had not sufficient education to understhand the English language. And I bid him good day. On opening the package, I found one thousand dollars -in well-executed St. Louis counterfeit Treasury notes. I gave me cousin five dollars, and kept the resht. I belave he wud do the same be me, if there was no way to get out of it. I have been fraquently axed widin the pasht two days for me opinion on the subject of fraa- trade and the like. I wish these paple would wait until I learn me gooties bether, before bothering me wid such questions. If they would wait until I rade me book through, I would be bether prepared to answer questions which involve our proshperity as a nation. However, I'll tell yez that I am in favor of fraa-thrade. If we had fraa-thrade, I wouldn't be bothered so like the very divil about getting thrusted for a bit of mate. Now, many's the FREE- TRADE -t M'EAT. 201 time Mrs. Grant has sint, me to marketfor a bit of shteak or sassage for breakfast, and I would get it put in me basket, and shtart off. The plabian who kept the shtall would say, "Howld on a bit. Yes have forgot to pay for the mate." "Charge it," says I. ( Till who!" says he. "The Prisident," says I. "Divil the bit," says he. And I would have- to laveo the -mate and patronize some other man, who had never heard what an appetite me Cousin Ulisses has for for- getting to pay mate-bills. Some one at Gelany has been writing to these trades-people here, telling about me cousin's peculiarities; and in- dade I know of one man here who has a quan- tity of owld bills against me cousin for fishky, and other necessaries of life, Nhich he left Ge- lany widout thinking to pay. And it would compromise our dignity to pay thim now. The way me cousin and meself understhand free-trade is this : If that policy is adopted, these embarrassments will cease, and any one will be page: 202-203[View Page 202-203] 20s, :1 ....*- bob-ia^ tea- -s;'tld frlee a--^iii tr6-i^ to thrust, his licince will be taken from him, and his loyalty will be questioned. We are in favor of that kind of thrade. From your owld habeas COw lawyer, T ,tNoE McGAnIT. P. S.--I towld yez once to kape yer paper away from here, but ye kape sinding it. It's all right if ye want to get me kilt; but if ye want the government to retain me valuable ser- vice, jist quit it. D'ye mind, now r T.. oG ,* , , XXV. HEr GES INTO MORE TROUBLE-HE Ais "MAN's RIGHTS nWOEAN '-TIES TO 'DEEAT STANTON. FoTbT HOUSpE, WASHINGTON, ) (but on the road to St. Louis,) December 22. { Msftfa PREUMmtY: I am just afther getting out of wan more shcrape. The money I tuck from that St. Louis gintleman was nare being the death of me. The -how of it was this: I un- dertook to get a bit of mate at the butcher's, and begorra he had me arreshted for passing illi- cit money. I got out of it be dividing, wid the polaceman. Thi me4 eo sint me to a restau- rant for a demij6htl6^)it:ky, and that blaggard tuck me till the coort, and I had to divide again wid the judge. And they kept me arreshted and dividing, until I only had tin dollars left, when they put me in the Treasury Department to wait for me thrial. They knew me there, and page: 204-205[View Page 204-205] 204 T ^ENCB' 4F?W let me go hQme to me Cousin Uli es, this: being me first offinse. And I am free again, but wid- out a cint. But it is asy to make more money here, wid such foine girls in the Treasury. Oh l ye had ought to luck at thim wonce. Most all of them new and inexparianced, their simplicity is charming indade. They look upon nme as a protector whin the sinators are away at the Capi- tol, And they don't appare to know the value of money at all, and ivery one wid ony claims to beauqt is loaded wid it, But talking about women, I had the divil's own, time, a few days ago, wid a femail rights lecturer. She. came here, and after interviewing a number of sinators they all referred her to me, and she busted into me private apartments and told 4er tail. er name .is Anna Loginson. Anna Ioginson said:, she wanted. to get as mAyu of, the prominent min of the counthry to uphowld;-her movement as possible, and that she had are ady secured the bull of farty mimbers of Congress. What she wanted now wasto get mese!f and me Cousin Ulisses to,shtick wid her and the other women, and she said she was YoU A OW SO r t IS O rSE . UR 205 aware that- the way to approach the Prisident was through me. I towld her that-uphowlding the women's movement-- had nare been the rooi- nation of me several times; but that if she would promise to use her sinators for me, when I was appointed to bony office, and lacked confir- mation, I would do ony thing for her widin the bounds of dacency, justice, and fairity. Then she said, "All right, Terence; you tickle me, and I'll tickle -you." :. Howly mother! -What could I do I But I mushtered a11 me courage and--well, you know how it is yourself I -Im a man's rights woman, and I don't know-but these women will have me cousin and:meself in pant, lets before spring. -I met a mant here yesterday who was at first going to ate me. You must have- -sint one of your papers to'California, as that Mr.; O. ,H. La Grange has come herbe to be confiimed as; super- intendent of the San Francisco mint.' He1 is the man that some of our pairty go baeck onbecause he run away from :his wife -intWisconsin, -and tuck asocial evil to California. I alluded 'to the circumstances in oneof mepravious letthers, page: 206-207[View Page 206-207] and some one :howed it till him,i and he put back his moustache, and said he: wud ait me. He met me jist as I was returning from Mr, Ge- rrd'--the mai who married the nagur-wid a prisent of alittle pockerflask of Frinch brandy for me cousin. This La Grange met me, and says he, "Are yez Terence McGrant?" "Faith and I am that same," says I. "Thin prepare to die!" says he; and he com- menced to pull off his outside garments, I knew be the look of him that he was blood-thirsty as a bedbug, and thoughti if I was going to die, I might as well be embalmed, so I tuck out the flashk of brandy to take a drink, He tuck it for a pishtol, and he started away in the direction of Bull Run, laving me alone.. You see how little brandy it sometimes take4 to-save a man's life. I to wld me Cousin UMisses of. the eircum4 stance, and he said it: was a terrible blow, the scaring of that man away, as he was loaded down wid g0od to ,use in securing a confirmation, The most of the sinators are if favor of specie payment-whin h a man buys their votes., I Me cousin favors that too. A ASce CXDS- M^SflIAT=D. 207 But the'worst fight I have had since I have been in the family was this last wake. A num- ber of prominent min of our party called on me, as I was out to the barn, dividing me time be- tween studying law ,and dlaning off me Cousin Utlysses' horcss .he says all great lawyers get their first dishonest inspirations while engaged in some manual exercise, and he wants me to be aqual to ony of them--I say these men called on me for the purpose of obtaining information. They said they had reason to belave the 1Prisi: dent meditated some dark/ deed--a damnable outrage on thepeople. I towld thim they musht be mishtaken, Divil the mrishtake, they all said. Thin one of. the gintlemen, a sinatory from a Western school district, called tleinto one of the stalls inthe bam, and whispered in me ear that they had} ivery rason to belave- that, me Cousin Uisses intended to apoin St fn "-ony the Sprame Bench. "l Murther 1 -sa . Why, ifb they had offered me a hundred dollars, they chuldn't have surprised, me more.: I, think I fainted 'away. At- laist I= was brought to be an application of wather and the man's boot, At page: 208-209[View Page 208-209] 20s8 TzRNX MCSr A GAT. first Id was indignant to think that any'man should accuse -me darling cousin of meditating any such villainy. That the man for whom I would lay down the "Life of Barnum," or any other, work of. fiction, should in his inermosht soul entertain such a thought, was the bating of me. But I promised the gintlemen that if me cousin would remain sober but for one short hour, I would convince him of his error, and they- left. I went to me Cousin Ulisses's private apart- ment- immediately. He was playing billiards wid a careful Methodist from Galena, who wants an office in Illinois, the duties of whieh is tQ sup- press- illicit stills. In the intervals of the game-- that is, when the Methodist man was playing-- I talked the mather over wid me cousin. To me surprise, he acknowledged that it was his inten- tion to appoint that owld haythen to the Su- prame Binch. "What I cousin," says I, "appoint the man who starved- to death thousands of Union sol- diers be not exchanging Confederates for them widout getting ony thing to boot I' A CuE-RIouS METHOD;ST. 209 "The same-it's my ,shot," says me cousin, chalking his cue, and taking a drink. "Would- yez appoint the man to an important office who murdered an innocent woman, wid the assistance of Baist Butler and other thieves?" ' To be sure, Terence--don't count more than you make," says he. to the Methodist, who was taking advantage of our conversation to shove up a lot of buttons. "Then may God have mercy on your sowl!" says I, taking a drink out of me cousin's glass. '"Amen," says the Methodist, as he ordered another whisky sour. What more could we expect of me cousin, kap- ing the company he does? I went intil. Mrs. Grant's room, and found- the quane vigorously at work putting Gineral Dint and some of the other lackeys intil swallow-tailed coats. Dint says he had' rather have his ration of fishky stopped than to wear a boot-jack coat; but Mrs. Grant towld him he must wear;it, or she would have Cousin hisses order him to his regiment, on duty wid the Indians.- This cured him, and page: 210-211[View Page 210-211] h .drawed oa epA d Jobkeid a h a n o minstre. 61'l Mfe I I Ait ra-dimghM -at+ Difi, -he ould lady put one of the things ontil me. May the devil blow me if I don't feel likea, funeral or a wedding. Your swallow-tailed frind, TEEENCE MoGRAXT. P S.-There is great rejoicing here amongst Ben Butler over a dispatch recaved here that you had failed. Butler says he would give six months' pay to be sure it was thrue--and he thinks it is. T. MoGO. P. S. . 2D.-Butler has found it isn't thrue, and he is confined to his bed. Stanton is setting up wid him. They are singing "On Jordan's Stormy Banks I shtand." T. MoG. A XXVL HOW THE FAMLY ENJOYED CHRISTMAS-BRD- GET RETUmNS A SHE MORMON. FHrIE HOUSE, WASGTON, } THREE DAYS SINCE CHRISTB S. MSnTE1 PUMMERY: Barring a pain in me head, a sickness about me stomach, a drouthi- ness in me throat, a balkiness and uncirtainty about me ligs, and a corn on me fut, I am as well as ony body, and so is me Cousin Ulisses. But we can get along widout spoiling, if we don't have ony more Christmases during our tenure of office. To do the fair thing be the many friends who sint in cowld victuals and warm drinh/b eenBa great shtrain on our nerves and ol orggna; but we have the proud satisfaction of knowing that we have proved that our family is aqual to ony emergen- page: 212-213[View Page 212-213] 212 M'Tsa f QRGnaNt. cy, and that the, American peoplehave just cause to congratulate thimselves on their choice of a President-and meself. Och sir 1 but I can't luck a turkey in the face widout blushing, and the sight of a dimijohn of fisbky narely sets me crazy, and so it does me cousin. If yez could take a look at our back-. yard, ye would shwear we run an illicit still in the cellar, be the pile of bothles and kegs against the fence. Murdherl and the ind is not yet; for we have got siven barrels of turkeys and geeses salted down to kape till New-Year's. Ivery express-wagon in the town appared to be engaged for three days before Christmas bring- ing fowls to the house, and some of them were enormous. One turkey, sint be a gintleman from Pokipsy on the Rine, weighed the bulk of farty pounds; and when we intersected it, we found it was two turkeys, pressed together wid a chaze-press, wid a tin-pound weight in the in- side for stuffing. Turkeys! Why, bless yez, we have enough to fade the poor for a month. And this reminds me that I suggested to me cousin that he bether give two or three wagon- REMEMBER E'R PoonR. 213aI loads of poultry to the poor paple; but divil the drumstick would he part wid. But, afther fad- ing the dogs, he ordered me to take a hand-cart load of bones to the poor-house,-for a Christmas prisint. Divil the turn would I give his owld cart, ofily to turn the rubbish intil the Poto- max, O sir! I have a *moighty big heart, and would willingly give any of me cousin's proper- ty till the poor; but me suggestions are met wid a frown. (If I was Prisident, begorra, I would give a dollar a week of me wages to some charitable object, like a subscription to a monu- ment to some man whose widcy was taking in washing to support the childer. Indade I would.) We had a mosht illegant day on Christmast, intirely. All the family that have been recog- nized by appointment to office were here. The Dints, in great numbers, were as dignified as corporals in a target company, and ould Jesse, who made me cousin what he is, be his example and assistance, tanning hides in Galena, was prisent. (He towld the sthory about me cou- sin's riding the mules in the circus, be special page: 214-215[View Page 214-215] 214 TERENCE9 "C G&ANT. request of a Mishter Adam Badeau, at the table -'I don't know what rilatiVe this man is, but he is Adam nare one, I am sure.) Whin we sat down till the table, it was a sight wirthy of an artist, fich should be published in the Polace Gazette, and it will, if I have ony influence wid the editor.; Me cousin axed Gineral Dint would he ax a blessing. The gineral passed. Thin he axed the ould man, and he said he had no hands at all, and he couldn't. They all passed, around to me; but I couldn't say ony thing that would do the subject justice, so it was decided' thatt the exigencies of the service didn't demand that any ^blessing be asked. This was a blessed relief, and all proceeded to 'do our duty be the donors of the delicacies. The look of-that 'crowd around the table put me in, mind of van illegantf Irish wake, only there was no :fighting among the factions. Ould Jesse loobied up at the head of- the table like a buirntstiump in a tamrack- swamp. - Gineral Dint sustained his reputation'" a s Perfect image of'ra snapping-turtle, at the north: ind of the board," while Cme Cousin 'lisses, nixt till me 'S oo 0F r." 2:15 right hand, looked like a stoughton bottle, be- side a full-sized decanter of fishky. As for me- self, modesty forbids me to mention that a stranger would have tuck me for the proprietor of the ranch-the head of the nation, as it were. The rest of the party were not of sufficient iram portance to merit a passing notice,. The,dinner was ate in silence, except an occasional order to a waiter for another bothle, and finally all were as full as a senator's pocket-book, and the table was removed. The table was removed at tub request of our friends from abroad, who insisted, that me Cousin Ulisses and meself should sing and dance "Shoo, fly, don't bodder me," the new national air. They had read of this song, and had heard of the mosht illegant manner in -which: me cousin and meself -rendered it: on shtate occasions, and nothing would answer but we musht do it till them. Me cousin unbuck- led his suspenders, tuckedhis breeheps in Jis boots,*called in a hand-organ, and towld me to "',Layj on, MGrant!" ' , "But first," says me cousin, " fiil your glasses and drink to ' Our- absent friends.'" Sayshey, page: 216-217[View Page 216-217] 210 TERSNCB Mco GaNT. ' I never think of this song widout wishing that your lawfil wife, Bridget, were once more re- conciled to the family.", "No more do I," says meself, bursting into a flood of waping that would have run a saw-mill. We placed the glasses to our lips, and were about to lubricate our department of the inte- rior, when a commotion was noticed at the door, and Gineral Dint came in lading me wife Brid- get be the watherfall. Never before did the ar- rival of one woman at the White House give so much jawy. Me Cousin Ulisses gave one long, lingering look at her disheveled organization, rushed- intil her embracing atmosphere; and fainted away, as dead as a string of suckers. An application to his lips of the staff of life, in a tumbler, was afther bringing me cousin back to America; and as he gazed again on Bridget's robust form, he pressed her to his shirt bosom, and begorra I don't know but he would have been there till this time if I had4n't made a re- mark or two. Says I, "Stand 'ba*,ihayba ns, ind -let me salute me bride;" and me cousin dropped his howlt on Bridget, and I commenc- ',' 'BRIDG-ET A"MORMON. 217 ed where he left off, and such a sqazing, as that woman got betune us was terrible. She was en- vied be ivery woman in the room. Says Brid- get, "Yez -act like a set of Mormons on the arri- val of a new recruit.' Be jabers, ye are worse than me sieond husband, Brigham Young, Jr., which I married in Philadelphia!" At thish point it was me turn to go off intil highstericks. As I fainted, I remember hearing me cousin say, "On wid the dance. Let jaw be unconvert- ed ;" and I laid down under the table. I laid there and dramed all the way from Washington to Utah, and- back again, and had made up me mind to seduce Brigham Young's son into the Tri;ne office and shoot him for staling me wife-unless he paid me a hundred dollars. Just then I woke up and found that me cousin and Bridget had gone on wid the dance, and the way they rendered "Shoo, fly," woud have made Dan Bryant and Dave Reed sick to their stomachs. They kept it up till bed-time, ten a 'asis ted me cousin to his page: 218-219[View Page 218-219] 218 2'WAd cfCRfsAf. room, and' tuck' Bridget tot me' apartmeits on the 'first'floor of tihe -WhiteoHouse, 'here she towld me all. There isn't a man about the whole government but has a headache, and I am a brevet widdywer, TERFeCE MCGAiTr. P. S.-Bridget tells me she is only sealed to Mishter Young. I think I can break ony such sealing-wax as that. There is hope that we may be happy yet. T. McG. A, . * XXV1L ALL ABOUT THE "REOIPTION"- WHAT THE LA- DIES WORE--THE COMG 1NG NARCHY. FHrE HOUSE, WASHRWGTON, D. C., Janiwary 3, aten sivinty. } Msmt cE PUMrMRy: What great changes the bulk of a year makes intil all of us, to be sure. A year ago now, and I was in a county poor- house in Wishconsin, sawing and shplitting wood to kape from frazing and to earn me pra- ties, and to-day I am in the government poor- house at Waslington, wid rmillions of paple toil- ing and shweating to earn money to kape me and the resht of the family in clothes and other necessaries of life widout our soiling our hands. And all this from accidentally dishcovering that I was a rilative of so great and good a man as Ulisses the wanst. This success of mine should be an example to the young men of the coun- page: 220-221[View Page 220-221] 220 TRIssuCs sai, M K thry. If they-would live widout labor, and en- jy all the privileges of. the, wealthy class, let them become a cousin of some great man wid- out delay, and prosperity will shmile onto thm; and they can place their hands on their hearts and say, in the language of the poet, "Shoo, fly, don't bodder me." Me right arm is paralyzed for the time being, owing to the gallant services which I performed for me country on New Yare's day, and for which I ought to have a pinsion, and no doubt would, only I am too modest to mention it. The signal anddaring service which I perform- ed on that occasion, and which has crippled me, as alluded to before, was the shaking of the hands of the vast multitude of plabeians who at- tended our reciption on the first of the year. Me Cousin misses was fearful that if he tender- ed his royal hand to the rabble which filled the house, he would be incapacitated from attend- ing till his jooties in the billiard-room for some time, owing to the vigorous shakes of the mas- ses; so he deputized me to, stand at one ind 'of the room and do the shaking, while he stood at SHArING HANDS BY PRox. 221 the other and reeaved the congratulations and prisents. I was dressed in a suit of me cousin's military clothes, and put on a raised platform, wid a sign over me head as follows: "Presidential Assistant Shaker. N. B.-A" the shaking must be done here. By order- of Dint, Corporal of the Guard." The paple- appared to undershtand that there was no appale from that decision, and the way they shook me up for five mortal hours was mosht illegant, and I was nare being kilt intire- ly. Many of the counthry paple tuck me for the Prisident, and some, who wanted office, plac- ed in me hand some little prisint, which- I put in me pocket; and whin they passed down the room a bit further, and found me cousin, "the Original Jacobs," they-returned, and wanted- the prisint back, in order to give it- till him. Av coorse, I couldn9't give ony thing back, as it would be establishing a bad precedent. I towld them it was all in the family, and mosht of them were satisfied. One pairty of Indians from California, where ne cousin- lived wance, -insishted -on embracing page: 222-223[View Page 222-223] 222 TEREVNC MCG(RANT. me as the c' Great Father;" but Bridget, who was standing nare, in company wid Mrs. Grant, towld them she would bust their heads if they insinuated that her dear Terence was father to ony such outlandish bastes. I towld them it musht be me cousin that was father till them, and they went for him. Bridget says that Ulis- ses had Dint arresht them as impostors. Dint knows ally the rilatives, and no one can fool him. The reception was the grandest outpouring of shoddy manufacturers, army sutlers, and of- fice-sakers that I ever saw since the inaugera- tion of me cousin. It may be intheresting to your famail raders to know how the government women were dressed on that occasion. Mrs. Grant was attir- ed in a rich black bombazine, or magazine, or something of that gender, trimmed wid fine fish- net lace, imported from Galena, wid a panyear on in front, saddle-girth of black morocco, and a head-stall trimmed- wid California diamonds, and number nine India-rubber boots, impervi- ous to wather. A DRESS OCCASION. 223 Missus Belknap, wife of the Sicretary of Iowa, was harnessed in a green grass grain vel- veteen silk, wid black flounders, imported for the occasion from Dubuque. She carried -an oroide watch in a haversack, and had her dress pinned together at the top wid a brown stone solitaire that couldn't have cost a cint less than three shillings. Mrs. Smith, of Washington, Pa., (where me' cousin and meself fished for trout one Sunday,) had on a pearl gingham Quaker suit, cut Pom- peg door, and an over-dress of 'costive crash towelings, and patent lever shoes of me cousin's own tanning. She had an expensive piece of Lackawanna coal, set in the original oroide me- tal, for a bosom-pin. Me wife Bridget was the bellist woman in the room. She wore a grass linen dress, cut be machinery, which hung in greaseful folds from her alabaster neck, and was caught up in a string, displaying her able-bodied ankles and woolen stockings. She hung on the arm of me cousin, like a market-basket on a hitching-post. But I musht not linger ontil the famails. Me page: 224-225[View Page 224-225] 224 TERENCE MOSnRANT. cousin was in his happiest mood, owing in a great measure till the illegant dishplay of wines, and when he was carried to his room, at four o'clock, he said it was the " hic-appiest m (hie) oment of his life." The party all got as drunk as ony party I ever saw, and I think they did it as quick. We are about to make a big shtrike here, which, in the event of our becoming a mon- archy, will give us some ideas of what goes to make up princes and things. Me cousin is about to invite Prince Arthur,. who is at prisint breaking up furniture for his mother's subjects in Canada, to come here and give us some les- sons in royalty. Me cousin thinks he will be king in less than two, years, and he is moighty deficient in the knowledge that a king should have. So this prince is to be sazed on to tell us all about it. Gineral Dint and;4llthe lackeys are anxious for me cousin to invite him, so they can show off a bit, and at the same time learn his ways. In ease he accepts our invitation, the White House will be newly furnished wid a cheaper article, that he mary smash it up at his SzODDYr BOnATy. 225 pleasure. We already call me cousin, in pri- vate, "Your Highness"-perhaps because he is often high, I dunno; and he calls us be the titles we will have when the time comes. He calls me Prince Terence,: and Dint, "the Jook." Ah sirl what a happy time we sIhall have when we are really royal, and not shoddy. Yours, a brevet Prince, TiTR$NCE MGrawNT. P. S.-Owing to me arm being in a shing, Bridget writes .this for me. She's the divil's own darling, and has divorced herself from that Mormon, T. MaG. page: 226[View Page 226] XX IIL THE PRrSmiENT RECEIVES A STRONG TESTIMO- MAL FROM TLLJrTNOIS/ FHTE HOUSE, WASHGTON, January Tin, aten 70. f MISTER BRICK PaMmERY: The position of Chafe Magisthrate, as well as that of his cousins and the like, is full of unpleasantness, as well as fraught wid danger. There are paple all about the counthry that take advantage of their own obscurity to do things to us that would not be tolerated at all at all if we were only afther catching them wonce. We have been the victims of the most outra- geous an' onnatural fraud intirely, and I am sick till me stomach from thinking of it. Bridget is sick, and so is me Cousin misses; and if it wasn't for a bit of fishky that was left be mistake afther New Year's, divil the know do I but we might page: Illustration-227[View Page Illustration-227] Ww. - V a X Ulisses receives a present of a coon from his native State. It turns out to be a perambulating perfumery bottle. Terence.--"Be the piper that played before Moses, it is a skunk." Tableaux! I (P. 227.) A SPURIOUS COON. . 227 all be dead. And hat a blow that would be till the counthry, to be sure. Murdherl The cause of the prisentl shtate of unhappi- ness in the royal family is this. A- day or two since a box;was left at'the doore, dericted till me cousin. He thought it might bean mfernal ma- chine, soihe-axeda me to open it. 'On the top of the box:was a lether -which I read, and which was as follows: "- KAWAtF, TvLL., January sivin, 1870. ' PRt'8pzism G T ND TEWcE: Inclosed, in the box, not, in the letther, yez will find a beau- tiful spicim'en of the calamgooozleum, or prairie coon. It is the fiest spicimen to be found in the whole roynthy, and I makeyez a pSient of him., His habits are good, baring. a, strictly l9oyal way Vhas of going itil les pockets and pulllnllg :outt crackers, paynuts, and the like It is me opinion that the coon is a bird that should- be oruinational emblem, and e'enly will take the place of the aygle in the' I of the people.' From his habits-ie'is better fited- for the responsible position than the aygle. :! is page: 228-229[View Page 228-229] 228 TESRESCE McIGRAT . bushy tale, as it waves in the air, preparatory to sending its javelin into the face of an advancing foe, is the emblem of peace. His striped head, and the stars which his enemies are made to see, are emblematic of our national flag, which waves aloft over the Freedman's Bureau, or hangs at half-mast for the death of any body. Kape this coon, cherish him in yer hearts, feed him wid rotten eggs, give him plenty of wather, and he will be heard from in the councils of the nation. "Rilatively thine, "OLE GERATSON. "P. S.--I have made some inquiries here at Kankakee, and can't find that the poshtmaster at this place is any rilative of the family, so I1 would mosht humbly pray that I, an original Grant, as yez will see be me name, be appointed as remuneration for the coon. "OLE GBANTSON." I wad this lether over, put the coonin the barn, anafarried the document till me cousin, who was playing billiards wid a lady from Chicago. He read the lether while the woman was-making T. Nras ARE W'ORKINrG. 229 a run, and towld me to take the lether to Cres- well, and if the coon was worth the office, to have the Poshtmaster-Gineral appoint Mr. Grant- son to the office widout delay. I -thought if the coon would pick the pockets of visitors, I could get me money back out of him. So I towld Creswell to appoint the man poshtmaster at-Kan- kakee, and I waited and saw the commission made out I He is now in possession of the mail- bags there, divil the doubt. Me pin almost fails me then I thry to write the saquel to thish story. Och, murdher! why did'I live till this day I fed the coon all that day in the box wid rotten eggs, according to the directions, and 'he acted as if- he felt the dignity of his position, About nine o'clock that avening, me'cousin had a cabinet mateing, at which I was prisent to open the botthles, and the like. Afther the business had been transacted, including two baskets of champagne, me cousin got up, and laning aga: a chair, says he, "Terence, inform the ladies of the presidential mansion that their presence is requiested here." page: 230-231[View Page 230-231] 230 TnREaNCs MoC AvNT. "A1 of them V" says I. "Ivery divil of them," says me cousin. I wint and ordered them up; and in a short time they were all on hand, ividently expecting some proclamation was about to be made. The mimbers of the cabinet looked scared, as if they thought a bit of nitro-glycerine was about to ex- plode. In a commanding voice me cousin said, "Bring forth the coon!" I wint out till the barn and shouldered the box, and as I came in me cousin was making. a , bit of a spache. Says he, "MY FmENDS: As there have been many re- ports published as to what the people of Illinois think of me, which may have led you to believe I was not popular in the State of me nativity, from which I rose from the humble position of tanner to that of President of this great and glo- rious counthry, I have taken the liberty of call- ing you together for the purpose of showing a little prisent which I received from that Slate to-day, that you may see-there is a strong feeling for me there yet. The intrinsic value of this prisint is not great, but it shows that the "C0oo, IS JTP 1 231 hearts of the people are with their loved chief. Terence, open the box!" They all crowded around the box to get a first view of the prisent. As I raised the --cover the coon jumped out, struck an attitude, and- Be the bpier that played before oses; it woa a skunk! - * And he saluted-u - ' -:" ' He didn't show any partiality on account of rank, but served all alike. "Coon, is it " says I, howlding me nose wid me coat-tail. "Shiver me timbers!" says Robeson, folding his nose in the skirt of Bridget's dress. "Kape away from me wid yer scenting stuff," says Bridget; giving Robeson a kick wid one foot, and the skunk wid the other. "It's a confirmed swindle," says Hoore; stop- ping up his nose wid two champagne corks. a Let us have peace," says me cousin, laning against -meself, and wiping a drop of waier from his nose on me shirt-bosom. I suppose I have said enough to give you an idea of the position we were in. There was only page: 232-233[View Page 232-233] 232- TERENCE. XCGSANT. on:ing:tt deo,' .te gsve theskunkl ti .a naget servant- for his, dinner,'-and-wiat to ouro apart ments, changed our clothes, and have buried the ones we had on at the time, to get the shmell out of thim. This laves some of us widout much clothes to spare. The house shmellslike a sani- tary cominission funeral, and is being fumigated. We have hired it cleaned be the job. Me cousin is sick abed. He called me to his bedside and made me take a bloody oath to be revenged on the perpetrator of this foul deed. "This shows how you are looked upon be the paple of Illi;nois," saysI to me cousin. The only reply he made was to throw a boot- jack at me head. Your highly flavored friend, TEECIac MCGRANT. P. S.-.I -start at 4.30 this afternoon for Kan- kakee, to wreak summary vengeance on the man who,prisented the coon, id a shot-gun. Will send you full particulars of his dying confes- sion. T. McG. HE GOES OUT TO CAASTISE A NMA, AND IS LAID UP FOB REPAIRS, WASHNaTON, January $0. ]MSHTER BRICK PPUMMERY: It's kilt I am! Yez can use this for a certificate of me death, and collect me insurance. Och, murdher! how will me wife be after recognizing her own dear Ter- ence in the bundle of broken bones and deiora- lized sausage-mate that's afther writing this let- ter. Me head is bound up in a shate, and the court-plaster which the docthor has used on me face to draw me gaping wounds together would make a pair of throwsers for a shtone giant. Och! kilt is it I Worse nor that! Ye see, afther the sad-- affair at the White HoUse about the spurious coon-of which I wrote yez in me lasht lether-me Cousin Ulysses sint me to Kankakee, Ill., to chastise the man who imposed page: 234-235[View Page 234-235] 234 TERBNwCS Ctl McxANT. upon us in that manner. Wid vingeance in me lieart, and determination in me mind, and a re- volver in me pocket, I arrived at that place, and procaded at wonce till the posht office, and made inquiries'about the man Ole Grantson. May the divil blow me if the poshtmaster, or any man about the place, knew such a man. I towld thim who I was, and what I had come for. The posht- masther was the. only gintleman that didn't laugh at me. They had ividently all heard of the insult that had been haped upon me Cousin Ulisses.- I knew it was as much as me life was worth to go home till Washington widout whip- ping- somebody; so I towld the crowd I would be afther paying me respects to ony gintleman that sympathized wid the dishoyal perpetrator of the rank outrage on me cousin. At this a counthryman of mine stepped up-and paled off his coat, and-said, if I was spoiling for a bit of a shindy, he would try and kape the flies off of me while I was thrashing him. I disliked the idea of whipping a gintleman of me own nationality, but ye know I was only a humble instrument in ithe hands of the government. So I axed him BO W' TO WHP A iAN, 235 would he do such, a thing. as send a. skunk to me Cousin Ulisses "He said, "Indade, sir, if I had any thing against the skunk, and wanted to bring him into disgrace, althoughdit would be cruelty till the poor bate, I would!" This was a plenty for a man of me uncontrolla- ble and passionate temper, so I prepared to vin- dicate the honor of me family. It would have been money in me pocket if I had hired a man at a good salary to have done it for me; for, be the powers, the very firsht shtroke I was afther giving him, knocked me complately off me feet, and the drayman who trick me to the depot says I didn't get up again until I had; got through wid the man. Begorra, I think I didn't, want to ;- for he was the worst Ku-klux that ony loyal man iver come in -contact wid. I came back to Washington be the first train, and it is me private opinion that if me. Cousin Ulisses has onv more men to whip, he can send another delegate next time. Me ambition as a champion of outraged loyalty is satisfied. Gineral Dint has issued an order that any page: 236-237[View Page 236-237] 236 TERENCs McGkllAT. man who brings a box to the White House that looks suspicious must open it and put his nose in it, before it will be accepted. . A, - I have been obliged- to attend to me wounds and nurse meself since me return, owing to the absence of Bridget. No one can give me ony in- formation, as to her whereabouts; although there are dark hints about the sudden disappearance of a Methodist minister, who has been here for some days playing billiards wid me Cousin Ulisses. Misfortunes never come single, but there is one consolation. If the elder has taken Bridget, his days of usefulness are nare their end. She*will convert him to her faith or there will be a fumeral. (Be the way, can he consider lim- self a cousin to the President be eloping wid Bridget ) Me Cousin Ulisses sames to be-losing all idea of geography. I don't know what to lay it to, onless it's the villainous drink that has been fur- nished us since the revenue officers -made the raid on the Brooklyn distilleries. That was certainly the shwill-milkest fishky I ever drank, and no Uwnder mel cousin, afther taking a bit of it, es PRESIDENTIAL . zEOGRAPr: 237 should make such mistakes as this: Ye see, a gintleman from New-York called on me cousin and meself, to talk over the Alabama claims. He axed me cousin what course he --was going to pursue in the matter. Ulisses said he had firmly made up his mind to offer to jump accounts wid England, if she would give the United States possession of Michigan and Cuba! Now what kind of geography is that for a president to have intil his head? I thried to wink till him, and show him he had made a mishtake; but :he couldn't undershtand me, and as the man rose, to leave, me cousin said that in less than a year Michigan and Cuba would be released from Eng- land's petticoat government, and enjoy the free- dom of paying taxes in America. The man went off, looking as if he thought me cousin was an idiot. After he had gone, I axed the Presi- dent if he didn't mean Canada and the Winnipeg fur fishing ground, and he got mad right off, and towld me-would I be aisy and dry up. There is. no use telling himn ony thing when he gets mixed up. But how it will sound to get in the papers that the President don't- know that Michigan isa page: 238-239[View Page 238-239] 238 TzZENCE MoGrRAzT. already one of the United States, when it gave such a majority for him I We have received the mosht unaccountable lot of cigars and boxes of jelly widin a few days, that me cousin thinks some one has been smug- gling a bit from Cuba. I remember not long since the steamer Powhatan went to Cuba, and me cousins had an interview wid Admiral Poor jist pravious to his sailing. As me cousin was smoking one of the cigars yesterday, he winked at me and said, "These cigars are Poor!" He said it in such a cunning way, I think that it must be the admiral sint them. Me Cousin Jlisses tells me something has got to be done to silence owld Dawes, of Massachu- setts. Ivery body knows -that we have been as economical as possible since we tuck howld of the government. Our trips around the counthry last summer were chape enough. The fitting up of the White House wid billiard tables and French looking-glasses was nicessary, and every thing has been conducted wid a view to retrenchment, and now this owld divil from Massachusetts gets up in Congress and says the first year of the ad- DAWES AND POilIr vi, 289 minitration of me cousin and meself will cost thirty million dollars more than Mishter John- son's did. One such man in our party does more harm to us than all the Dimecrats can say. I think me cousin will thry and get Dawes to go off as a missionary to some cannibal islands, so we can have a little peace. I write this in bed; but me physician, the veterinary surgeon of the White House stables, tells me I must cease writing or he won't be answerable for me. He thinks I am threatened wid poll-evil, and be a look in the glass I think he is right. Yours, wid a swelled head, TERENCE MCGRQAT. P. S.-As soon as I recover, I am detailed to make arrangements for the reciption of Prince Arthur. The women at the White House are crazy to have him come here and shtay wid us all winter. Begorra, he can't sheep wid me; divil the wonce. T. MoG. page: 240-241[View Page 240-241] XXX. Pg=NOE AltLrv's PRESENTATION AT CORT--THE GOLD INVESTIGATION. WASniNGTON, January 25. MSirtm PuMPRY: - There can't ony body tell me ony thing about royalty. I know all about it, and it isn't such a lairge thing as I was afther thinking. I have often pictured to me- self the look I would have on me, if me Cousin Ulisse did actually make me a prince, as he has promised to do when he is made king. I had thought it would change me outward appear- ance, and I would look like some of those owld pictures painted on bits of sail-cloth, and hung up inIme cousin's room. But since I have sane Prince Arthur Patrick Victoria, I am of the opinion that it won't make much difference what name they put upon me-I shall be Ter- ence shtill. Thish prince is as nare like a human being ,1 A, 2sRNG . . 241 as y unoiin e a e W hii Mineral Dintai;ii the other b'ys brought the prince into the blue- room, where me cousin and meself were sated, ] didn't feel a bit afraid, and me Cousin Ulisses acted as brave as though he was marching up to the cannon's mouth, jist afther the cannon had been shot off.. Pravious to me giving me cousin instructions how to act, he was a bit nervous, and said he didn't belave he could survive an introduction to the prince widout fainting; but I towld him I had associated wid princes and things a good share of me life, and they were moighty ordinary people. (This was a lie.) 'At lasht the band shtruck up ( Captain Jinks," and me cousin took a swally of bithers, and telling me to shtick be him, they led in the prince. Me cousin was standing behind a statue of the Greek Slave, while I was right it hisA immadi- ate naberhood, kaping him quiet. When the magic words were pronounced that made tle prince and- me cousin acquainted, Prince Ar- thur put out won hand to me and the other to me cousin, and afther shaking us a bit, says he, in a pure German dialect, page: 242-243[View Page 242-243] ,242 T TE RE XcW M ew nT. t '",Blast me h'yesif hM know, is -Grt." ,Jist ,thin DMntshtepped, up and said the man wid ,the red nose was the :Prisidint, while the other was shi Irish r cousin. This bothered the prince as much as before, because both our noses. ..av the same tint. But he made bowld to .ask xne;cousinif he was a Fanian; and thin turning to me, he said that from the pictures he had seen of me since I conquered the South, he had expected to find me on horseback, waving me sword. aloft in the air, and a box of cigars under me left arm. I couldn't bear to have Prince Arthur go away wid the impression that I wam the Prisidint, so I introduced him to me cousin, and fell back into retirement meself, while the party were taken till Mrs. Grant's room. , Mrs. Grant recaved the prince in a Godfrey's cordial manner, while me cousin was examining the gould shtripe on his legs. She towld him that as long ago as whin they were in the tan- ning business at Galena, she had often told Ulisses she would give a side of sowl leather'to see a live prince, and now her fond hopes were realiz- THEW PRINCE AND OUR /ROYALY. 243 ed,' and didn't cost a ecint. She said if he would call in some avening she would showhim all the nice presents -the family had reeaved, and that she would introduce him to the balance of the family. The prince said that as his shtay would be short, he might not have time to be inthroduced to all of the family, as he had been informed be the papers that members of the family had of- fices in every place of importance in the coun- thry, but that he was at her service as long 7as he did shtay. He said he had promised his mother he would visit all the curiosities in h'America, and he had halready sane the two- headed girl, the Cardiff giant, and "ShooFly," but considered it a greater treat than all to be- come acquainted wid the shoddy royalty of the capital. 'He said if he could only kill a buffalo and see a live Fenian, he would feel as though there was nothing left in h'America that de- manded his attention. At thish point the interview was choked off by- MVihter Thornton, and the party retired. Our attention was immediately attracted to Ulis- page: 244-245[View Page 244-245] 244 TER&SNCS McGRANr. ses. He was faint and wairy. We gave him medicine, but he never -rallied at all at all, "and we were afther taking him to bed. The excite- ment of the interview, in addition to the excite- ment consequent upon the investigation of the goold speculations, has preyed upon his mind until he is a mere wreck. The testimony of Fisk was bad b but when they talked of sinding for brother-in-law Corbin, me cousin was fright- ened. He telegraphed to Corbin to take a thrip to Lake Sooparior for his health, but fears that the committee will, head him off. If they get Corbin, and he tells the truth-which seems very unlikely from what we know of him-thish counthry will be too hot for us. Me cousin says that he is moighty glad he is out of sisters that have an ambition to marry New-York specula- tors. And now the worsht of the bothering in- vishtigation is to come. Me cousin raised him- self on his pillow, and addreshed me as follows: ( Terence, you know more about our specula- tions in goold lasht summer than is good for us and .I want you to be scarce for a wake or two. I want you to take a thrip intil the counthry, FESTIVzITIxES OP MOUNT. V'ERNON. 24a and shtay until I call for you. I want you to go to some lively place, where you will not be lonesome, and thry and enjy yerself. Here is a ticket for Mount Vernon. Go there, enter joy- fully into the festivities of the place, and kape your mouth shut about what you know of the goold speculations, until this murdhering com- mittee are through wid their investigations. And if ony body comes afther you, pretend you are crazy, and thus throw them off the scent." So I have a happy proshpect before me for two weeks. Sint to a graveyard to enjy meself! Ah! bad luck to me, I had all me arrangements made to attind the grand ball wid a foine girl, and now I am exiled, jist from me cousin's love for goold. I am a martyr of the firsht wather. Yestherday me cousin sint me to make a pro- position to Mishter Dawes, to be afther kaping his mouth closed in future. I met him in the lobby, and inthroduced meself till him. I said to him, "Mishter Dawes, me cousin is dapely pained at the remarks oye were afther making wid re- gard to- the economy -that has been exercised be the government since we had conthrol of it. page: 246-247[View Page 246-247] a40, - -* o 'Bsas ,4,aic X' - '- , He tis conscious orf the thrithf of ::y4rf statemeniet in -pabtltt es tseete the iecesstof a ; tl- man of yer ability getting up before folks, and making an ass of yerself by telling all ye know. HEe acknowledges the right any man has of spak- ing his mind, but respectfully asks ye to have some regard for his. faleings. If it's an office ye want, fwich makes ye mad, he says ye have only to mention it, an ye are as good as appoint- ed already." What do ye" imagine the blaggard was afther saying till me in reply to that mosht illegant spach? Says he, "Presint me compliments to the President, and say to him that I have only commenced on him. I am going through him in alphabetical order, -and have thus far got only to 'A.' As for an office, ax him will he do me the favor to go to the d'vil, and go there yerself." I towld me cousin f hat the man said, and he- was sick; I think he will abdicate, if things go on 'in this way. I will write yez from the tomb. TERENCE MCGBANT. XXXI. ALL ABOUT HOW THNGS RUN AT THE CAPrTAL. WASHNGTON, Feb. wan, 18 siventy. MSHTER PUmmERY: Me shtay at Mount Ver- non was very short, owing till the fact that I for- got to provide meself wid ony money to defray me expenses. You would think that a near rila- tive of the present step-father of his counthry, fish is me Cousin Ulisses, could dead-head in the vicinity of the tomb of the original father of his counthry, Mishter Washington; but divil the bit. Be jabers, when I towld the people who I was, and that I was only paying them a-short visit in behalf of me cousin, to recuperate his exhausted inergies a bit, they towld me I was a fraud, and that they didn't consider me a bit betther than a thafe. (I have been seen in the company of Bin Buthler a few times, but I didn't think it would injure me charaether to that extent, and page: 248-249[View Page 248-249] 248 TmERxCG MJffB ANKr so far away fr-om home too.) So I made the common mistake of shedding a, couple of tears over the ice-house, instead of the tomb of the gintleman who differs so much from our modern Presidents-inasmuch as he couldn't tell a lie, fich mosht of them can and not half thry--and made me way back till Washington. I found our people at the White House all more or less indishposed. Gineral Dint was shwear- ing in a manner that would do honor or dishonor to Horace Grayley, because at the ball the prince axed him to brush 'his coat and black his boots. He towld the prince he was a brother-in- law of the President, and the prince said, "'Ell, sir, hi thought you were a servant." Dint says those Alabama claims have got to be settled soon, or he will spill all the blood he's got in his veins. You might, Mishter Pummery, if ye saw the prince, tell him not to be afraid of Mishter Dint, as he has had many opportunities to shpill blood, but-always preferred to send a hand to shpill it for him. Me Cousin Ulisses was so plazed wid the prince-after he got me away, so he wouldn't get us confounded, and call .me cousin- Terence, ' O W 1; THrIS FOR 'HeP 249 and me the President-that he wanted to go right to New-York, and shtay wid him as long as he renained in Amiriky. But we prevailed ontil him to shtay at home, on account of the looks of the thing. He is more than iver impressed wid the conviction that royalty is a big thing, and I think he won't be satisfied until he has a crown on his head. Ah! Whow it will sound, " "g UUisses the wonst!" One thing I didn't like about this visit; all the family have got so they use the lether "h" where it shouldn't be, -and lave it out where it belongs. We had a foine joke on me Cousin Ulisses yes- therday. He had been in the Senate Chamber, and lishtened to a bit of the proceedings, and came home disgusted. He dropped intila chair, wiped the perspiration from his face, and axed me a question. Says he, e "When did Brick: Pomeroy get into Congress ." "Divil the know do I," says I till him:; "but I am afther thinking he has not fallen from grace to that extent." "Yes he is," says me cousin. "I was' just in the Senate, and there-was a bill introduced be page: 250[View Page 250] 250B TRNCvr' Mt RuAvNT.- Pomeroy to abolish drinking-saloons and spiri- tual liquors in the District of Columbia. I watched him, and he looked right at me, and I know this bill isleveled at me; and it will pass. Dawes will vote for, it, and we are ruined. ' Brick.' Pomeroy will be the, death of, me." I didn't know what to say. I couldn't think you would go till Congress, as I niver knew ony thing bad of you before; so I called Dint. Me. cousin explained it till him, and he saw'the mlish- take.:. He explained to UJlisses that the bill was inthroduced be Pomeroy, of Kansas, and that it was done at the request of the famail convention tha"w as here lasht week. The women couldn't get ony members of Congress to speak'for their cause, because they all had sore throats and other murthering diseases, and they think if the whisky is kept away from here, these diseases will be cured. Mishter Dint said the bill would not pass; as it was only presinted as a"Joke. Me cousin-is breathing freer since. I met our brother-in-law, M siter Corbin, in the streets, and was "surprised to see him looking so sick I ihad not sane him ince I acoipted his i b r - *- -K Ace - page: Illustration-251[View Page Illustration-251] Terence acts as usher at the White House, in the absence of Dent, and has a call from Senator Revels, of Mississippi. (P. 251.) CARRIES T-B WAS INTO AmaA. :2S1 hoshpitalities in New-York, jist afther I got out of Bla1ell' Oiland. He said he had, jilt beenateshtifying-bef ore the committee. He felt confidint he hadn't crossed hi melfmore than tin times. I axed him to come tip to the White House; but he put his, thumb to his nose and axed me would'I tell the Prestdint "to go till the divil, I towld me cousin, buthe decliied. He said he had made different arrangemerts, and should not call on.-his dear brother-in-law, I : thiklc there musht be some family d;iturbance betune the different branches: of the family. I have got me foot :into it again, owidg to me uncontrollable hatred of nagers.- I tnek the place of :ishter Dint at the-door thishmorning, while he went 'out? afther: his "bitthers. File I %t Was at meposht a big back nager,wid white id gloves on, and scented wid peppermint, came up and axed me did "Massa- Gant live dar," I towld him he did, but it wasn't hisnager day - he:only recaved'nagers'on Sathurday. H6eipush, ed me' to won side,? and said he musht see:M]assaa Grant any way, in spite of all :the:6 isbmens:that iver ome over,- . Coud ny gintleman, fro6m ite page: 252-253[View Page 252-253] TEENDE MHlRAiNT. grane sod shtand that widout a fight? Diiil the hapert I tuck off me coat and whipped that nager in a minute and tin siconds be the ther- mometer. Jist as Gineral Dint came up the steps wiping his lips on the sleeve of his coat, I chucked the nager out of the door, and his head struck the gineral in the stomach. "Teddy, what in the world have you done?" says Dint. "Only;been recaving the colored man on an aquality," says I, putting on me coat. "Why," says Dint, "ye have narely kilt the sinator'from Mississippi, and his name is Revels." "Well," says I, "if the great State of .Misis- sippi can't sind a sinator that is better bleached than that nager, she must take her chances. I can't take ony chin-music from a nager, if he is a man and brother." The sinator from Mississippi was taken to his lodgings at the residence of a colored woman who does washing for a hospital, and it is be- laved he will survive; but I fear me cousin will not.be called upon by him ony more. It ismighty quare the way some of our mem. bers of Congress act. Now, me cousin wants a bill passed to provide the nagers in the District of Columbia wid something to live on until the nixt election, that they may not starve to death before we get their votes for our ticket; but some members of Congress actually work to defeat it. They say they miglt as well feed the poor of New-York as to board and clothe these nagers, but me cousin says that's a different thing. Some of them ax why these nagers don't go to work and earn a living. Work is it Flhat do they want to work for when they are free, and are employed to vote ? If Congress don't provide for them, then some of us prominent men have got to take care of them out of our own private fortunes. I don't like that. Probably yez remimber how Baist Butler got up in Congress an defended me cousin against the attacks of owld Dawes, wchin he charged us wid being extravagant. This was astonishing to me at the time, and I thought the owld spoon- thafe had some object in view, and now what does he do but presint a bill till me cousin for twenty- five hundred dollars, '-for acting as his attorney page: 254-255[View Page 254-255] inf::criminal case." Do yemind tihe oh ef ihe haft But :'ieeos wlon -pay-it i3one^ :He says to Mishter Butler, says he, "Ben, I can't pay yez the money, but the first time ye are convicted for any of your numerous staling, I will pardon ye." Me cousin had the Baist that time. Respectfully yours, TERENCE McGRANT. P. S.-I wish ye could sind one of yer clerks to the Brevoort House to get a shirt that Colonel Elephantstones borrowed of Gineral Dint-for the ball; The gineral says I may have it if I can get it. Frank it to me, at me own expinse. Don't let him bate ye out of the shirt. T. McG. XXXTT. THE NAGER SENATOR--FRAJNG Pla E. WASHTNGTON, Fib. Tin, aten70. MTSH J4 PU F2R Y: Ye mind I towld yez how I was afther bating the nager, and aftherward finding out that he was a sinator from iWssis- sippi. What do you think that nager, did? Pierce me to the heart wid a parsnip, if he didn't comlplain of me as a walking impediment to re- construction, and have me arreshted be, a vile minion of the law, and incarcerated in prison, and me Cousin Ulisses got me out wid his in- fluence. I should not fale bad about it, only whin I got home me cousin towld me I would be obliged to ax his pardon. "What!" says I, wid indignation; " get upon me knase to a nager, and ax him to forgive me?" "Indade, you are right," says me cousin. "In the present shtl#le of the country, when the page: 256-257[View Page 256-257] 256 1SES1cNCECO&A'NT colored people are becoming a power in the land, we must encourage them. This colored brother has been insulted in me own house, and if you don't ask his pardon, I shall be obliged to me- self." Och, murther! and they call it insulting to knock a nager down. And so I had to humble meself to uphowld the dignity of me Oousin Ulisses. He thinks more of nagers and dogs than he does of his rilatives. Spaking of dogs puts me in mind of a great error me cousin made a few days ago, over which he is losing a great bit of sleep. Ye see a foine dog was sint here be express from Cleveland, Ohio, to me cousin, and he sint me down till the express office to get him. The expressman towld me there was tin dollars charges on the dog., I towld him to let me have the dog and sind the bill up till the house, and me cousin would be afther paying it, afther he had thried the dog and found him worth the money. The express- man towld me to go till the divil, that I couldn't have the dog until -I paid the money. This mnade me mad, and I wouldn'Qttake the dogtony THE CLEVELAND D-oG. 257 way. Now, what do you think happened? An- other man paid the charges and tuck the dog, and begorra he has been offered a hundred dol- lers for her. And now me cousin is mad wid me, and is going to charge me ninety dollars, the amount he would have made on the dog, and says he will take it out of me wages. Nixt time he can go afther his own dogs. I wint to Attor- ney-Gineral Hoore to find out if we couldn't get the dog out of the custody of the man who paid the charges on him, on a writ of have his carccas; but Hoore said he hadn't time to write out an opinion on the subject. He'has more business than he can well attend to getting confirmed. But he has got to attind to his jooties bether as Attorney-Gineral, or we will get some one else. Ye know that franking privilege, be the which sinators and things that boord theirselves here have hash and other vegetables sint to them from home at - the expinse of the government Well, I think it must be diabolished, because many of us are getting dissatisfied wid the way it works. I will be afther giving yez a few in- stances of the inconvaniance to which members page: 258-259[View Page 258-259] 258 TERENC MCo GRANT. have been put be the mistakes of the poshtmas- ters and things., Firsht, me cousin had a pair of boots sint hi from Buffalo for the prince's ball, and, because only one boot was marked wid the name of the congressman whose frank was used, he only got one boot, the other being sent to the dead-lether office. Ye see this was a great inconvaniance till me cousin, as he had to ap- pare forninst the prince wid one fine patent- leather boot, and on the other foot an owld calf- skin shoe. The prince called the attention of Colonel Elephantstone to me cousin's feet; but the colonel said it was one of the eccentricities of janious, so it passed off all right; but, av coorse, Cousin Ulisses couldn't indulge much in the giddy amazements of the terpsichorean ex- travaganza, (that's what the paper called the dance, I don't know what it manes.) Another inshtance of the unpleasantness which occurs be the franking privilege, is afforded be the case of mae friend Sinator Tim O'Howe, a counthryman of mine. Mishter O'Howe wanted to build a barn and a pig-pin here in Washington; and a man at Green Bay, Wisconsin, was owing him TRACTS VS. FARO CqIPS. 2 59 for defending him in a case where the man was arreshted for-horse-staling, so Tim thought he would have a couple of car-loads of lumber sint to him from there be mail. The lumber started lasht Novimber, all franked nicely; but it never has arrived. He has jist found out where the lumber is. A man be the same name at Wash- ington, Ohio, had the cars switched off there, claimed the lumber, and sold it to a kindling- wood factory, and Mishter Sinator O'Howe loses the whole amount, unless Congress makes it up to him. And then Mishter Morrissey had a box of faro- chips sent him here from New-York, and they were taken out of the office be a Methodist sena- tor who was expecting a box of tracts from the Methodist Book Concern. -Mishter Morrissey got the box of tracts, and had a party of gintle- men, including meself, collected in a room at Willard's to play a little game. John opened 'the box, and Owe all looked in. What do yez think stared us in the face? Instead of chips representing a value of from five to a hundred dollars, there was a litftle book wid the remark, page: 260-261[View Page 260-261] 260 TZE1RNEC MC GRANT. "Prepare to meet thy God," printed in large letters. Mr. Morrissey said there was evidently a mistake, as the box was no doubt intended for Butler. This, you see, was unpleasant, and all of us were displeased. Misther Yates, of Illinois, had been going till the posht-office for weeks, looking for a barrel of vinegar, he says, from Springfield. It came the other day, and as the frank was worn off, it was sint to me cousin. It was fishky. This plazed me cousin, and he was about to have it opened when three rude men came in wid an order from Yates, and bore it from our sight. This is enough to show you that the franking privilege is a fraud. There is quite a number of Democrats here who were opposed to the confirmation of Mish- ter Sickles as Minister to Spain, and some Re- publicans ; but those of our party who know him, and remimbet how illegantly he kilt that man who was too intermediate with his wife, ye re- nirmber, will vote for his confirmation to a man. No one has suffered at the hands of the Repub- lican Party who had such a record as Sickles; INITERvIEW WID BARN uM. 201 and me cousin says no man ever will, as long as he runs the party. Me cousin had a long interview wid P. T. Barnum a few days since; and afther the show- man had gone me cousin axed me how I would like to go to New-York and shtay a month or two. He said Mishter Barnum was going to ad- vertise the Prisident on exhibition at the mu- seum, wid all the prisints he had received that were movable, and he wanted me to put on some owhis'clothes and personate me cousin. Scarcely ony one would know the difference, and Mr. Barnum thinks the Cardiff giant would be eclipsed. I didn't exactly like this thing, but ' if me cousin thinks it would be for the best, I will go. Me cousin would not go to the Paybody fune- ral because Mfishter Paybody niver gave him any prisent. I think he would have injyed him- self at Portland, as the papers say- they had a mosht illigant drunk. TERENCE McGRANT.