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Everybody's friend, or, Josh Billing's encyclopedia and proverbial philosophy of wit and humor

page: 0Illustration[View Page 0Illustration]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 0Illustration page: 0 (TitlePage) [View Page 0 (TitlePage) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 0 (TitlePage) EVERYBODY'S FRIEND, JOSH BILLING'S ENCYCLOPAEDIA AND PROVERBIAL PHLOSOPHY OF WIT AND HUMOR. PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED BY THOMAS NAST AND OTHER ARTISTS. HARTFORD, CONN.: AMERICAN PUBLISHNG COMPANY, 1874. page: 0[View Page 0]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 0 ENtered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873, by GEORGE W. CARLETON & CO., in the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Wasington. FRANCIS S. STREET, and FRANCIS S. SMTH, EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS OF "THE NEW YORK WEEKLY," THS BOOK EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS ,D. OF THE NEW YORK WEEKBILLINGSY," NEW YORK, 1873. JOSH BILLINGS. page: -7 (Table of Contents) [View Page -7 (Table of Contents) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -7 (Table of Contents) TABLE OV KONTENTS. Page. Analytical Index . . . . " 1 Kontentment ..... 33 2 Marriage ....... 36 3 Fashion's Prayer ... . 38 4 The Bizzy Body .... 40 5 Fastidiousness ..... 42 6 Love ........ .. 43 7 Fear .... ..... 44 8 Buty ....... 45 9 Faith .. . . . .. . . 46 10 franes .... ... . 47 "Spring and Biles .... 48 12 Tioht Boots . . . . . . 50 13 The Lam and the Duv . . 52 "The Duv ....... 55 15 The Old Bachelor .... 57 16 Horns .... .... 59 17 Kissing ..... ... 62 18 About Pharming . . . . 65 19 Questions and Answers . . 68 20 Whissling ....... 69 21 Hotels ........ " 22 Laffing . ...... 75 23 Hoss Sense . . . . 78 24 Silence . .. . . . 79 25 Bravery ...... . . 80 26 Dispatch .... .. 81 27 Pik out a Wife . . . . . 82 Page. 28 Watermellons .. . . . 83 29 Pik out a Dog . . . . 84 30 Pik out a Kat . . . . .86 31 Lost Arts . . . . . . . 86 32 To Komic Lekturers . . . 89 33 Fashion .. .. . . . 92 34 Fun . .. . . . . .. . 93 35 Fret . . . . . . . . . 94 36 Fury . . . . . . 94 37 Fits . . . . ... . 95 38 Fuss . . . . . . . 95 39 Fellow . . . . . . . 96 40 Flunkey . . . . . . 96' "Finis . . . . . . '. . 96 42 Nu Foundland and Tarrier . 97 43 The Rat Tarrier . . . . 99 "The Monkey ..... .100 45 The Pissmire . . 103 "The Pole Kat. - . .104 47 The Weazel . . . . . . 105 48 Angle Worms . . . . . 107 "The Mouse 1. . 108 50 The Yaller Dog .. . . 110 51 Roosters ........113 52 The Fox .115 53 Aunt and Grasshopper . 118 54 A Hen . . . . . . . . 120 55 The Gote . . . . . . .124 7 page: viii (Table of Contents) -ix (Table of Contents) [View Page viii (Table of Contents) -ix (Table of Contents) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page viii (Table of Contents) -ix (Table of Contents) 56 Goose Talk ..... . . 126 57 The Clam .. . . . 128 58 Snails ......... 128 59 Striped Snake ..... 129 60 Babys . ...... . 130 "The Crab ... . . 132 62 Essa on Swine .....132 63 Cat and Kangaroo .... 133 "The Codfish . .... 136' 65 The Mackrel . . . . 137 "The Pollywogg ., . . 137 67 The Bullhead . . . 138 68 Mud Turkles ..... 139 69 The Fly .. .. . . ..140 70 The Crow . . . . . . . 143 71 The Bumble Bee .... 144 72 The Robbing ...... 145 73 The Swallo ...... 146 74 The Bat ...... . 146 75 The Hawk .. . ..147 76 The Meddo Mole . . . . 148 77 The Possum . . . ... 149 78 The Cursid Musketo . . . 151 79 The Hornet ...... 154 80 The Rabbit .. . .157 81 The Poodle ..... . 158 82 The Partridge ..... 159 83 The Snipe . ...... 160 84 The Cockroach ... . 160 85 The Mule . . . . . . . 163 86 Bed Bugs . . . . . . 164 87 The Flea . ... . . 165 88 Not enny Shanghi .... 166 89 The Aunt ....... 169 90 The Adder . ... . . 1" "The Striped Snaik . . . . 1" 92 The Blue Racer .....174 93 The Blak Snaik . . 174 "The Milk Snaik ..... 175 95 Raccoon and Pettyfogger . 176 96 The Duk ....... 179 97 The Turkey ...... 180 98 The Hosstritch ..... 181 "The Parrot ...... 182 100 The Bobalink . . . . . . 182 101 The Eagle . . . . . ..183 102 Natral History .... 183 103 Kats ........ . 186 104 The Hum Bugg . . . . . 187 105 The Bugg Bear . . .. .189 106 The Game Chicken . . * 190 107 The Duk ....... 190 108 Sandy Hill Crane ....192 109 The Rattlesnaix .. . . 193 "O The Hoop Snaix ... 194 "1 Tie Anakondy ..... 195 "2 The Garter Snaix . . . 195 "3 The Eel Snaix ..... 196 "4 See Sarpent Snaix . . . 196 "5 Kopper-hed Snaix . . . 197 "6 The Blujay ..... 198 "7 The Quail .... ... 199 "8 The Partridge ... . 199 "9 The Woodkok .. . 200 120 The Guina Hen .. . . .200 121 The Goslin ..... ..201 122 The Grub . . . . . 202 123 The Lady Bug ..... 204 124 The Tree Tud ..... . 204 125 The Porkupine ..... 204 . 126 Devils Darning Needle . . 205 127 Ramrods .... .. 206 128 Lobstir Sallad ... 2. 209 129 Mollassis Kandy. . . . 2" 130 Puddin & Milk . . 215 131 Plum Pits ... . . 217( 132 Chips , . . ...221 ; 133 Koarse Shot .... . . 223 134 Slips of the Pen ..... 226 135 Glass Dimonds ... .. 228 136 Jews Harps ... . . . 231 137 Tadpoles ..... .. 233 138 Pepper Pods ..... . 237 139 Hooks & Eyes . . . .240 "O Jaw Bones . . . . . . 244 "1 Ods and Ens ..... . 245 "2 Fust Impresuns . . . . 249 "3 Plum Pits. . . . . 252 "4 GOnat . ....... . .. . 255 "5 Kindling Wood c . . . .256 "6 Phish, Bawls . . . . . . 260 "7 Stray Children .... . 264 "8.Ink Brats ... .... 269 "9 Lightning Bugs ... . 2" 150 Parboils . ....... 275 151 Nest Eggs ..... .2" 152 Chicken Feed ..... 280 153 Hard Tack. ... . . . 283 154 Sollum Thoughts .... 286 155 Ink Lings ..... ..288 156 Embers on the Hearth . . 292 157 Hot Korn ... . . . . 294 158 Foundlings ....... . 298 159 Dried Fruit .... . 300 160 Remnants .... ... 301 161 Remarks ....... . 303 162 Saws ......... 306 163 Remarks . ...... 309 164 Nosegays, . .... .3" 165 Shooting Stars .. . .316 166 The Interviewer .. . 320 167 The Musk Rat . . . . 322 168 The Mink . . . . . . . 323 169 Distrikt Schoolmaster .. .324 170 The Pompous Man. .. . 326 171 The One Idea Man .... 327 172 The Happy Man' .... 327 173 The Henpecked Man . . . 328 174 The Officious Man . . 328 175 The Phunny Man . ... . 329 176 The Cheeky Man . . . . 329 177 The-Live Man . . . . . 330 178 The Faultfinder .. 331 179 The Border Indjun . . . ..332 180 The Cunning Man * . .... 336 181 The Loafer . . . ... 341 182 The Projector .. 342 183 The Kondem Phool . . 343 184 The Obtuse Man ... .345 185 The PositiffMan . . . 346 186 The Cross Man . . . 347 187 The Pashunt Man ... . 347 188 The Funny Man . . .347 189 The Honest Man . . . 348 190 The Square Man . . . . 348 191 The Oblong Man ... . 349 192 The Perpindiklar Man . . 350 193 The Limber Man . . . . 350 194 The Jolly Man . . . 350 195 The Pewter Man .... 351 196 The Fiteing Man . . . . 351 197 The Precise Man -. . . . 352 198 Coquette and Prude . . . 353 199 The Effeminate Man . . . 356 200 The Jealous Man . . 357 201 The Anonymous Man . . . 357 202 TheStiff Man .. ... 357 203 The Model Man . . . . . 358 204 The Neat Person . .. 359 205 John Bascomb . . . . .361 206 Elizibeth Meachem . . . . 364 207 Good Rezolushuns . . . . 366 208 My Fust Gong ... . 369 209 Keorn ......... 370 210 Advertizement .. ... 3" 2"Tew Lectur Kommittys . 373 212 Letter to Farmers . 376 213 A Tempranse Klub . . .3" 214 'The Proverbial Pig . . . 380 215 Sowing Sosiety Address . .381 216 The Fust Baby ..... 383 217 Billings under Oath . . . 383 218 At Niagra Falls ..... 386 219 Negro and Trout . . . . 390 220 Dandy and Thimble Rigger 393 221 Long Branch ... . . . 396 222 Billiards . . . . . 400 223 Habits of Grate Men . . . 401 224 Insures his Life ..... 403 225 Tew pick out .a Hoss . . 404 226 Agrikultural Hoss Trot .. 407 227 Oats ........ 409 228 Pashunce of Job . . . .413 229 The Game of Yewker . . . 415 230 Beer . ... . . . . 416 231 Laughing ...... . 418 l page: x (Table of Contents) [View Page x (Table of Contents) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page x (Table of Contents) 232 iThe Advent No. 2 . . . 419 233 Questions and Answers . 422 234 Saratoga and Lake George . 424 235 Sum Vegetable History . . 428 236 New Ashford . ..... 428 237 Bends. ........ 432 238 Koliding ....... 434 239 At-Short Range . . . ,. .438 240 Beau-Bennett. . . .. .440 241 To Male Young Men . . . 442 242 Female Remarks . . . . 445 2413 Private Opinyuns . . .. 447 244 On Courtin(g . ..... 451 245 Nuzepaper Tatlings . . . 452 246 Mounts a Velocipede . . 456 247 The Rase Koarse .. 458 248 Billings Lexicon . ... 462 249 Owly ,. ..... 465 250 Pordunk Village .. .. 468 251 4 Letters ....... 472- 252 Settles with Correspondents 475 253A LooseEpistle . . . . 4" 254 Short Replys ...... 480 255 Wimmins Rights .. . . 483 256 Dog Talk . . . . . . . 487 257 Correspondence . .. 489 258 Short but Sweet. . . . . 495 259 Josh Replies . . . ..499 260 The Committe Man . . . 501 261 Answers . . . . . . 504 262 Communicashuns ., , . 509 263 Hair Oi Man. . .' . . . 518 264 Still Communicative . . .521 265 The Davenport Letter . . 523 266 Josh in, Saratoga . ... 526 267 Correspondence ., . 528 268 Two Letters . . . . . .531 269 Defines his position . . . 533 270 Correspondence . . .,. 537 271 Spice Box Correspondents . 539 272 Letters ......... 544 273 Josh Communes . ... 548 274 Autograff Letters .... 550 275 Short Answers ... .. 553 276 Mail Matter . . . . . 556 277 Pets, . ....... * 562 278 Ded-beat and Friends . . : 567 279 The Shyster . . . .. . 569 280 The Shinner . . . . . . 570 281 .Bred & Butter ..... 570 282 Mark Twain . . 573 283 White Mountains .... 575 284 Aristokrats ...... 581 285 Buty. and the Beasts . . . 584 ,286 Billings Proverbs . . . 589 287 White Mountains ... . 593 288.Glnattand Katterpiller . 597 289. The Ear Wig . . . . . 602 290 About Hotels . . . . . . 602 291. The Oyster ...... 607 292 The Red Pepper . . . . 608 293 TheNuze Boy . . . . .608 294. The Phiddle . . ... .609 295 The Philosopher . . . 610 296 The Toadey . , .. .. .6" 297. The Jakass .. . ..6" 298. The Sassy Man . . . . . 612 299. The Gassy Man . . . . 613 300 The Sharp Man . . . . . 614 301 The Lazy Man .... 615 302 The Nervous Man ... . 615 303 The Dignified Man . . .. 616 304 The Weak Man, . . . . 617 THE END. page: Illustration-11 (List of Illustrations) [View Page Illustration-11 (List of Illustrations) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page Illustration-11 (List of Illustrations) "ST OF ILLTUSTRATIONS. - -I( Page. 1 STEEL PORTRAIT .... 1 2 DARWIN & WHSKEY ... " 3 ESSAYS ....... . 33 4 PERFECTLY SATISFIED . . 34 5 FASHUNS PRAYER . . . 40 6 FASTIDIOUSNESS . . . . 43 7 BILES . . . . . . . . 50 8 TIEa LAM & DUV . . . 54 9 IN A HORN. .... 60 10 CONNUBIAL BLISS .... 64 "HORACE GREELEY .... 65 12 WIIISSLING ... ... 70 13 AN ORATION . ..... 78 "E sors JACKASS ...... 813 15 COMK LEiYTURE . ... 90 16 Fuss & FEATHERS ... . 93 17 ANIMATEMD NATUR .... 97 18 A NEWFOUNDLAND DOG . . 98 19 THE POLE KAT . ; . .. 104 20 A YALLER DOG ..... " 21 A SLY FOX . . . . . . 117 22 A PHOOL OF A HEN . . . 123 23 G[OOOSE TALK . . . . . . 127 24 SPICE-BOX . . .. . .129 25 CAT AND KANGAROO . . 134' 26 ANNIMATED NATUR . . . 136 " Page 27 TE FLY . . . . . . . 140 28 A NIGHTMARE . . 145 29 THE MUSKETO ..... 152 30 THE RABBIT . .- . . 157 31 THE MULE. . . . 163 32 THE SHANGH . . . . . 167 33 SNAIX . . . . . .. .173 34 PUBLIK INSTITUTIONS . . 174' 35 FEATHERED ONES . . ...179 36 KATS. . . . . . . . . 186 37 THE GAME CHCKEN . . 190 38 MORE SNAIX . . . . . . 194 39 THE BLUJAY .. 198 40 VERMN ....... 203 "AFFrrRISMS . . . . . . 206 42 RAMRODS ..... 207 43 MOLASIS KANDY ... . 212 "CHRISTMAS PIE ..... 218 45 KOARSE SHOT . ....... 223 "GLASS DIMODS .... . 229 47 TADPOLES ....... 234 48 HOOKS & EYES . . . 241 "A MUSICAL DUETT .... 244 50 ODDS & ENDS . . . 246 51 FIRST IMPRESSIONS . . .249 52 VOTING. .. . . . . 253 page: xii (List of Illustrations) -13 (Index) [View Page xii (List of Illustrations) -13 (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xii (List of Illustrations) -13 (Index) Page. 53 THE WORLD ON FIRE . . 257 54 STRAY CHLDREN .... 264 55 LIGHTNING BUGS .. . .2" 56 NEST EGGS ...... 278 57 DOG DAYS . .. ... 282 58 HARD TACK ...... 284 59 INK-LINGS. .... 289 60 HOT KORN ...... 295 "REMNANTS . . -. . . 302 62 SAWS . ....... 306 63 NOSEGAYS ....... 312 "SHOOTING STARS . . . 317 65 MONOGRAFFS. . ..... 320 "THE INTERVIEWER . . 321 67 THE YANKEE ..... 327 68 SPINSTERS . ...... 332 69 INJUNS . ........ 335 70 FREQUENT KRITTERS. .. 341 71 PECULIAR ONES . . . . . 349 72 COQUET &PRUDE . . . 354 73 THE NEAT PERSON . . 360 74 JOHN BASCOMB . . ., . 362 75 MSCELLANEOUS . . . . 366 76 GOOD REZOLUSHUNS . . . 367 77 KORNS . . . . . . . . 371 78 LEKTUR COMMTTEES... 374 79 TEMPERANCE KLUB . . . 378 80 PORDUNK SOWING SOCIETY 382 81 A BOOKEEPER . . . . . 384 82 TAKES A DRINK ... . 392 83 AT LONG- BRANCH . . . . 397, 84 GRATE MEN ...... 401 85 WOMEN'S RIGHTS . . . .402 86 THE HOSS .... . . . .. 405 87 A HOSS-LAFF . . . . . .410 88 M WASHERWOMAN . . . 414 89 BEER ... .. . . 417 90 SCIENCE ...... 420 "LONG BRANCE ... .. 425 Page. 92 TADPOLES ....... 431 93 TEW LATE ........ 435 "LOST & FOUND . . . . ; 436 95 SKATING AKCIDENT . . . 437 96 AT PRAYERS . ..... 441 97 TEW MUTCH WHSKEY . . 443 98 PRIVATE OPINIONS. . . .448 "LATEST NEWS . ...453 100 THE RACES ...... 459 101 SPINNING YARNS . . . .466 102 PORDUNK CHURCHYARD. . 469 103 To CORRESPONDENTS. . . 4" 104 LETTER BOXES . . . 473 105 HZ WASHERWOMAN . . . 478 10G WIMMNS RONGS . . . .483 107 MEETING A BEAR . . 488 108 AMONG BEASTS .... 495 109 HOTEL PORTER . . 499 "O A LOVING COUPLE ... .500 "1 AN AKCIDENT . .. . 505 "2 TELEGRAPHNG . . 510 "3 A DOMESTIK SCENE .. . . 19 i14 WILD INJUN ... ...527 "5 A GOOD KROW ... . 534 "6 LETTERS RECEIVED . .539 "7 LETTERS TO ANSER . . 545 "8 BOARDING-HOUSE PRIVIL- EGES . . ... . 550 "9 SHORT ANSERS . .... 553 120 MALE BAG . ......557 , 121 A FOP .. ... . . . 565 122 HGHWAY-MAN .. . 570 123 MOUNTAINS . ... . .. 5" 124 DEMOCRATIC ORATOR. . . 583 125 EKONOMY .... ... 592 126 GNATTS ..... ... . 598 127 WIT & SCIENCE.. . . 603 128 A PHLOSOPHER .. . .610 129 SUICIDE ....... 617 INDE X. A. Abandon of art ............... 355 A band ov musik .............. 545 A band ov vagrants ............ 464 Abhor det. .............. ...... 562 A bible question .............. 499 A big bile on yure arm........ 307 A big daze work ............... 431 A bigg noze .................. 210 A blind baby ................. 342 A bob-tailed pekok.-. ........... 206 A boss bumble bee ............. 136 About a cat ................... 134 About a quart ................. 126 About the rite dose ............. 563 About two inches .............. 419 A brandy cocktail ............ 5" A brilliant cuss .... ........... 34 A bull dog ..............'.... 317 A bull in fii time ............. 94 A bumming excurshun ........ 181 Abuv temtashun ............ 590 Accounts for the sawdust........ 229 A Chinese god ............... 487 Acktion ....................... 111l Acktive lazyness............. 270 Ackts just like his ma ......... 337 A cheap way tew think ........ 319 A clean fat baby...-..... 131 It A concealed Koward......... 591 A country couzin ............... 132 A country cur ................. 225' A coquett gone to seed ......... 355 A cosmetic receipt ............. 395 A cosmopolitan cuss ............ 510 A 60 day note ................. 367 Adam waz a boy ............. 232 A dangerous person .......... 91 A dead beat .............. 178 A decent sarpent ..2...... 207 A deff and dum man...... ....365 Adirondax ralerode ........... 426 A delekate subjekt ............. 559 A disgraced rooster ............ 285 A dissekting room ............. 538 Admirably stolen.............. 438 Adopt the blakleg .......... ... 444 A dredful poor job ............. 534 A drink out ov his flask ........ 374 A dark komplekted buty ...... 335 Advent No. 2 .................. 419 Advice ................. ..... 2" A farm at haff price ............ 130 A farm of 175 akers ............ 127 Affektashun iz handy .......... 514 A flood of lawless hair ........ 185 A fox in a trap ............... 298 Afrika iz the plase ........... 135 African under oath ........... 51tl 3 page: xiv (Index) -xv (Index) [View Page xiv (Index) -xv (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xiv (Index) -xv (Index) Afriks old and well-tanned son.. 891 After dark.................. 156 After a camel .................. 255 A fu branes . ............ 319 A gaudy piktur ................ 5" A geologekal phakt ............ 595 A genuine ghost ............... 295 A giant karakter .............. 271 A gin m ill ..... .............. 352 Agitate things................. . 56 A good critic ..................259 A good deal of sugar ......... 221 A good hater ......... ........ 225 A good lhusband ............... 50 A good square meal ............ 368 A grate futer man ............. 502 A grate man ................... 243 A graven image ............... 214 A grave yard .................. 2" Agreeable and in order ......... 418 A greast pole ................. 125 A grub or a worm ............. 430 A half-bushel ................. 314 A happy set ov bowells ........ 287 A hard-shell babtiss ............ 361 A helthy phool ................. 90 A hippokrit .................... 363 A hole to fit ..... ....... ..... 254 A homemade kritter ........... 56 A horce and carriage ........... 491 A Hornet and a Pismire ........ 81 A human lhyena ............... 568 Ahydraulik ram ............... 285 Aint bilt right ................ 123 Aint it orful? ................. 96 Aint worth a cuss ............ 1" Aunt and the (Grasshopper ..... 118 Ajax ... ...................... 563 A Jewelry peddlar..- .......... 41 A joy upon earth ................ 74 Aked with glory ............... 486 A kind ov human ram .......... 280 A kold bath ................... 275 A komrnon thief ............... 567 A konseited ass .............. 565 A koroners jury ............ .'. 186 A krewel thing . ............ 601 A kross ram n ......... ... 248 Akount ov Stok ............... 443 Aktual arithmletik .............. 544 A laffing Angel ............... 383 A lame duk ............... 192 A large camp meeting ...... .... 156 A large family ov us ......... 503 Alaska .................., .., 490 A lernt phool .............. 71 Alexan der .................... 815 A lie on the start .............. 534 A life arkadian ................ 380 A light draft chap ............. 527 A little more hair............. 445 A little rekreashun............ 536 A little too mutch gin.......... 146 A living corpse .... ............ 562 All kinds ov phools............ 121 All night together.............. 485 All over warts ................. 507 All the kurs .................. 235 All the literati ................ 234 All the starch out .............. 316 All that they bag ............... 356 A loafing pissmire ............. 566 A longthaired dogg............. 42 A long-tailed mouse ........... 40 A lokomotiff insex ............. 600 A lorst dorg ........... ........ 40 A louse is a fackt.............. 183 Alteratives wont answer ........ 396 Alter the spot tew fit .......... 349, Also in rumatism ............... 385 Alwus hav twins .............. 150 Alus been poor............... 100 Alwus take soup ............... 142 Always smells ov whiskey..... 143 Ambishun ..................... 279 A mere pimp .................. 237 American kant ................ 451 Amherst, Mass................ 516 A middling sized peddler ....... 71 A mithological woman......... 4" A moderate mule .............. 495 Am os .......................... 545 A mug ov beer .............. 239 A mule dispises them .......... 153 A muss in the family ........... 484 An abreviated dam ............ 143 An aktive loafer............... 103 Ane Dunhlaml................ 469 An egiptian ................... 612 An elephant's e........... 157 AnDgells (ov both genders).,... 436 Angleworms .................. 107 An idle sekret ................. 120 An imaginary eg ............. 189 A nimble sixpence ............. 262 An important fackt ............ 162 Animiles and insex ............ 314 Animal kreashun .............. 45 Animated ghosts .............. 419 An obituary notiss ............. 213 A nobel institushun ............ 332 An old setting hen ............ 95 Another cussed old lie ........ 60 Another dose ............. 547 An old goose. ................. 248 An aroesant brat ............. 817 Anshunt- Job ................. 825 Anshunt sitty of Pordunk..... 536 Ants hav bye aws ............ 171 An ugly puff noze ............. 3851 An unlady like thing .......... 71 Anxiety .. ............;..... . 209 A pail ov whiskee. ............ 459 A piatting thing .............. 184 A plhool without a destiny...... 123 A pizen arrow ................. 832 A plaintiff song............... 145 A plaintive biography ......... 53L' A plaintive wild kat ........... 5o0 A pollypurse ................. 118 A poor artikle ................. 886 A pound at a time ............. 266 A pound of assifidity ........... 124 A pound of salt codfish ........ 378 Apple dunmplins............... 82 Applied tew the sile .......... 67 Apply the moral .............. 28.9 April son s ................... 390 A profound sekret............. 127 A prominent moralist .......... 84 A prude ..................... 207 A punch in the belly ........... 400 A pure rekord ................. 537 A quart ov whisky .......... 378 A ray of light, ................ 106 A red flannel petticoat........ 180 Arly and of tin ................ 382 Arly apple trees............... 341 A Rokaway klam....... ..... 322 A roomy bride ................ 526 "Artikilus bevo". ............ 161 Artless Jane.-............. 481 A Saddle Rok oyster.......... 160 A safe way to gamble.......... 38 A sett of carpet-baggers...... 421 A Shanghi rooster ............. 115 A shilling a head, . .......... 423 A shoe ov anchunt daze ....... 391 A short back .................. 458 A short lived bug ............. 152 A single cockroach............ 359 Ask her tu .................... 487 Ask him to prove it ............ 367 Ask sumboddy older ........... 365 A sli hit ...................... 542 A sleeping darkey ............. 141 A snake in the grass ......... 338 A small dandy ............... 114. A small sized jackass.......... 521 A snob at home ............... 326 A song without sense ......... 876 A square drink ................ ,508 A soshul insex ................ 153 A stray nigger ................ 150 A sublime idear ............... 509 A superior mind ............... 258 A sure way.. ................. 304 A sweet little critter........... 58 At a key hole ............... - 234 A temperanse klub ............. 3" A thorn in the flesh ....... ' 445 Atlantik monthly ............. 448, Atlantik Ocean ................ 293 A toothless kur ................ 449 Auckshioneers ................ 534 Austin, Texas ................. 465 A vishus old man ............. 224 A veteran srgeon............. .... 444 A way they hav got ........... 205 A weak Lan ................... 224 A weak mind ................. 214 A week afterwards ............ 167 A weird child ov the heart...... 340 A wise man ................... 224 A witty writer ............... 222 Awl the animils ............... 140 A yearling heffer .............. 246 B. Babys ........................ 180 Back ov the hog pen.......... 5380 Bak pay; ................... 54 Balem's ass ................... 297 Bank stock ....... . ............. 549 Barnum, the grate . ........ 557 Barrell ov apple sass.......... 1" Baron Van Chaulk ............ 454 Bass wood punkin seeds .... .. 851 Beans for the soul... ........ 523 Bear the market ............... 497 Beau Bennet .................. 440 Beau Brummel ................ 587 Beastesses ......... ... ........ 513 Bed Bugs .................... 164 Bedtick pantyloons ............ 460 Before legs.............. 06 Before Methuseler waz......... 122 Beginners in literature......... 2,50 Begin scrubbing early ......... 360 Begin slow .................... 556 Behomath Billings ............. 12 page: xvi (Index) -xvii (Index) [View Page xvi (Index) -xvii (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xvi (Index) -xvii (Index) Bekause he is a monkey ....... 91 Bell letters .................. 502 Belo the belt .................. 352 Be more vertuous. .............. 523 Ben Franklin ................. 3C8 Ben Franklin & Co ............ 464 Benjamen............ ......... 496 Benvolio ................. ... 506 Bergen point ................... 151 Berlony sarsage ............... 476 Bet 4 dollars .................. 147 Bet on this .................... .159 Better next' time ............... 243 Beverly, the barber ............ 470 Be vertewous ................. 313 Bible deludes to them .......... 164 Bi a dog...................... 261 Bile with charity .............. 500 Biles .............. ............. 48 Biles are very sassy .......... 49 Biled crow 2 times ............. 144 Biled injun meal .............. 531 Biled krow .................... 560 Bile one eend ................ 167 Biled owl rare dun .............. 168 Biled pork and rum. ........... 429 Billings family......... ....... 149 Billings gets a good holt ....... 512 Billings haz fled ............... 490 Billings infernal lies ........... 89 Billings Lexicon .............. 462 Bimeby tha jine............... 452 Bitterness of truth ................ 560 Blabbed it all around town ..... 420 Blackfeet injun ................ 334 Blackwood magazine ........... 455 Bleeding tears together ........ 34 Blo them up.... .............. 258 Blowing yure own trumpet ..... 276 Blue Monday, .................. 445 Blunders are brilliant. ......... 251 Bobing for eels ................ 332 "Bolivards Oil ov Seduktion".. 69 Bolony sarsage. ....... ......... 102 Booth's Theatre ............... 318 Born so ....... ................ 268 Born so bi natur ............... 120 Boston suits me6 ............... 507 Botany Bay ................... 450 Both sides of things ........... 457 Both ways are right ........... 37 Bottom ov South Amerika ..... ' 59 Borders ov criminality ......... 614 Branes ................ ....... 47 Branes or impudense ........... 440 Brag on it ................... 298- Bragging on Job .............. 418 Bravery.. ......... ........ 80 Breakfast bell ................ 253 Brigham Young ............... 47 Bring in the monkey .......... 586 Broadway ..................... 165 Broiled chicken.............. 123 Brother Abel .................. 464 Bukwheat slapjak ............ 273 Bug ethecks... .............. 161 Bully for Job I ................ 414 Bully for me .................. 159 Bumblebees ................... 49 Bunker hill ................... 508 Butcher him ............ 115 Butterflise do ................ 356 But . ... ....................... 45 Buty iz power ........... ...... 251 Burning fluid natur ............. 479 Buys sum gin................. 400 C. Cape of Good Hope: ........... 438 Call him a phool .............. 210 Call him a thief., ............ 468 Camphene children............ 479 Caroline ...................... 496 Cat- pizen .................... 462 Champane Charlie ............. 199 Charge it ..... ......... .. 308 Chawed up . ................... 258 Cheap whisky........ ........ 841 Cheat and steal ................ 290 Cheat sum one else ........... 562 Cheerful'Beat ................. 512 Cheerful old girls........... 273 Chief end ov man ...........94 Chief end ov woman ............ 218 Chicken feed ............ ....*. 280 Chief Justiss Chase ............ 493 Child ov circumstansis ......... 38 Child ov ingratitude ............ 117 Child ov the oshun ............. 136 Children half price ............ 558 Chna ....................... 473 'Chinese religion ................ 588 Chips 2 ..................... 221 Cholery infantum ............. 478 Christopher Columbus ......... 11l Civilize a Pawnee ............. 336 Clean teeth ................... 549 Clowns are skarse ............. 308 Close korporashuns . ..... ...... 139 Cluss transackshuns ........... 8 Cocktails ov success - ........ 01 Codfish Bank ............ ..... 275 Codfish for brekfast ........... 88 Codliver ......,..... ......... 520 Colone water ....... ..... . .. 288 Columbus, without a cent...... 176 Comik lekturers ............... 89 Comik lektring................ 260 Common goose grease .......... 532 Comlmontaters..... 187 Comparatively virteuous ...... 565 Composed of shifts ............ 37 Condenm it .................... 325 Confession .................... 208 Confidence game ....... ........ Congress ..... 3.............. 58 Connekticut, mi natiff place ... 415 Contrary vegetables .......... 354 Coon Hollow .................. 61 Copious fool ............ 5" Cows cumn hollorin ......... 430 Cows kno how old they are... 60 Corn and other sass ....... 7.0 Count the moon .............. 99 Croesus ......... ........ . 349 Cud of sweet kontentment ..... 35 Culler ov twilite... ..... 59.8 Cultivate bunyans and orns.... 58 Cum tew a led ............ .... 74 Cuam tew the skratch ..... 496 . Currious mind ........ ........ 113 Cussed monkey ................ 2B1, ] D. 1 D. Dabolls' arithmetik ........... 531I Dame Nature ................. . 394 Dandys and blujays ......... I DanielPurdy .............. 471 Daniel Webster's head......... 85 Dave Larkin .......... ...... 40 Dead beating ................ 46 D n.. ,...64 Dead broke ..... ........... 27 D Deakon Tucker............ 470 D Dear Hen .................... 552 D Death ...... .... .. ........... D Debt iz a trap ........ .. 253D Decoy duck...... 331 Dead led mi remains ........593 Defend the suit ............... 235 Demokratik pollyticians ........ 371 Dennis O'Tool............ 43 E Departed Wm. Shakespeare,... 51 Et 2i 86 Despatch ...... ............ i81 O1 Destiny ov sum kind ... ..... 104 75 Destroy the pup ............ 537 S8 Devil's Darning Needle ........ 205 20 Dexter can trot................ 4" 98 Die, and stay so.. ........... 12 76 Diogoneze .................... 315 39 Diogenes and Seneca ......... 228 30 Dirty the year round.. ........ 360 2 Dirty work ov wisdom ......... 284 7 Discovered by Cain .....:........ 407' 5 Disguize ov a woman ......... 354 7 Dismount from the turkey ...... 102 5 Distrikt skoolmaster ...........324 8 Divided by a velosipead........ 457 2 Divide the plunder ............ 338 8 Divers other females........... 483 5 Dogs which bark never bight... 85 4 Do her up brown ............ 502 Do it quick ........ .......... 43 1 Doktors are called quacks...'... 191 ) Doktor Henry Magnum, M D... 402 ) Doktor Hirsute ............... 518 ) Doktors pitch cents ........... 491 Dont beleaf in speerits..:....... 4" Dont blame the bug ......... 203 ; Dolly Varden............... 497 3Dog sassage cheap ............. 509 Down on Sandy Creek......... 118 Dreadful dobby ................ 55 Dredfal mean things .......... 53 Drest in glowin robes ........ 97 , Dried apples on a string........ 57 Dried Fruit... ............... 300 Drilnk beforedinner.......... 427 Drink either ................ . 435 Drinks more whiskee .......... 559 Drinks whiskee too............ 300 Draw a prize............. 5 Drain him dry ............ ... 07 Draw ni unto them .........'.. :59 Draw poker .................. 3 24 Drove of genuises........ 265 Dry goods 244............. ; D uk .......................... Duk 179 Duke Johln Smith ............. 373 Dum excitement ...... ...... 437 Dumplings ............ ...... 541 Dutch konundrum .... ........ 439 E. Early cabbage ................. 213 Eat a horse and kart ........... 595 page: xviii (Index) -xix (Index) [View Page xviii (Index) -xix (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xviii (Index) -xix (Index) Eat klam soup ................. 239 Eat pork and beans ............ 297 Ebenezer Smile ............... 403 Ebenezer Smith ............... 452 Edukashun iz bully ............. 100 Edukashun gauls genius ....... 79 Eddikated mules .............. 164 Eggs in great profushun ....... 200 Egipt ..................... .... 3" Egypt........................ 185 Eight-hour sistem ........ ..... 169 Eight men and four women.... 485 Elaborate cuss ................. 115 Elderberry.................... 520 Elegant kommon sense........ 314 Elephants skarse.............. 256 Eleven feet in them ............ 51 Elizabeth Meacham............ 364 Eloquence .................... 304 Embers of virtew ..... ........ 216 Embers on the Harth .......... 292 Enjoy poor health .......... 238 Enlarge his head .............. 363 Ennytime on a bust ............ 431 Enoch ..... .................. 546 Enters mi soul ................ 472. Enuffto suit me.. ............. 196 "E pluribus unum "....... . 592 Erie Kanal .................... 323 Erie Rail Road ............... 178 Essa on swine ................. 132 Euklid ...................... 149 Eureka I ............... 518. Eurupp ................. 561 Eve waz a phool............. 283 Eve waz seduced .............. 130 Every boddy dont kno ......... 551 Every boddy wants tfew talk.... 79 Everything is lovely ........... 116 Every 20 minits ............... 491 EtFarnham ...... .... 470 Exact age of Methuselor ........ 122 Experience ................ .O 2" Expressly for a phool..... .... 120 Extatick neatness ............. 8 359 Extacys ov hydrophobia ........ 122 Extrackts ov Lubin ............ 395 Fo Fair thing for Niagara ......... 387 Faith .... . .................. 46 Faith iz no milksop............ 46 Falls of Niagara .............. 278 Fanny Birch.................. 467 Farmers' Alminax ............. 3 52 Fashion ..................... 92 Fastidiousness ................ 42 Fear ................... ..... 44 Feed him high ................ 226 Feeters of Saratogy ........... 528 Feller Sisters .................. 881 Fellow .. . . ... 96 Fetch on the cobbler.... ...... 409 Fetch them tew a focus ........ 337 Fever sores ................... 244 Few men kan .................. 127 Fickle bi hater...............4. 280 Fierce asan old hen ... ........ 340 Fiddle but one tune ............ 295 Fifteen or twenty babes ........ 58 Fighting waight ........... 281 Filled Mwith horror ........... 527 Find him mellow .............. 446 Find the hole ................. 288 Fite flees .............. ....... 259 Fits .......................... 95 Five old maids ................. 299 Flatter another ................ 243 Flattering purp ................ 475 Flattering prospektus.......... 184 Flattery ...................... 208 Flatluent words ............... 75 Flora of our country .......... 574 Flunkey ............ . ...... 96 Folks we all kno.............. 356 Folks knu her story ............ 469 Foothalls are handled......... 605 Foot his wife's bills............ 294 Forever too late .............. 399 Formerly a man............... 113 Fortune ......... ............ 206 Foundlings................ ... 298 Found her rteddy.............. 593 Found out somehow............ 560 Fragrant assiphedita ........... 600 Freak ov natur ............... 296 Freeloveing ................... 279 Free lunch at Delmonicos ...... 142 Freeze fast to one ............. 555 Fret..................... ..... 94 Fried pork for brekfast ......... 531 Froliksom cusses .............. 174 From Adam down ............. 227 Full az ridikulous............. 542 Full ovinformashun ........... 109 Fun ................... 93 Fury ......................... 94 Fust Baby ................... 383 Fust couzins. ................ 33 Fust impressions ............. ,. 249 Fustof M ay .................. 141 Fust rate blunders ............. 46 Fust wiggle .................. 479 G. Gabrel and his horn ............. 869 Gallus buttons bust oph........ 413 Game ov Yewker .............. 415 Garden -of Eden............... 45 Gardin sass................... 478 Garter snaix ................... 195 Gaudy piles................... 576 Gay Betsey .................... 482 Genius for sawing wood,........ 449 Genius for taking things....... 47 Gen. Jackson ................. '862 Gen. Washington.............. 361 George Washington Crab, Esq.. 401 Getting ketched at it....... 234 Getting sober ............. 379 Gildad ........................ 600 Gin and milk ................. 240 Ginger pop ........... ........ 247 Git aboard the monkey ......... 102 Git along phast ................ 573 Git hig milk puntch ........... 175 Git mad about it.. ........... 129 Git married at once ............ 83 -Git the piece in ................ 639 Git verry fatt .................. 97 Glass Diamonds ............... 228 Glen House ................... 578 Gnats ........... ............ 255 Go ahead on her .............. 467 Go and bury it ................ 522 Go at him, with a klub ........ 67 Goes for it ................... 174 Go for the widow .............. 321 Go it blind .................... 266 Goold specks ......... ........ 404 Goose talk .................... 126 Got beat every time ............ 236 Go tew bed late .............. 170 Gorham ...................... 580 Go south to winter ............ 145 Got a pupil .................... 405 Go to a citty ............... . 551 Go tew the devil .............. 530 Go up, old bald head .......... 175 Gouts and rumatiss ............ 261 Goze for theworm ............ 330 "Good-bye valves "............ 482 Good for a bad breth........... 214 Good for the injuns ............ 3" Good boss thiefs................ 280 Good injuns die young o...... 248 Good injuns onst.............. 528 Good old Moses! ............... 519 Good Resolushuns ............. 366 Gone anyhow ................. 239 Gone to roost ............... 576 Grab at the offer ............... 440 Gra hares and pimples......... 442 Grass widders ................. 368 Grate on nigger-minstrels ...... 375 Grate retribushuns ........ .... 112 Grate thinkers ............... 80 Grate sorting. , ................. 81 Gravity ..................... 386 Grease his boots, .............. 345 Grease mi macheen ........... 525 Greenlands Icy Mountains...... 198 Green rabbits ................ 157 Gripes and grunts I ............ 282 Gro wizer..................... 564 Guessing is poor bizzness...... 286 Gulph ov Mexico .............. 197 G. W. Carleton................ 454 Haffand haftf................. 282 Haff brother tew fear........... 246 Haf Jackass................... 163 Haffright ..................... 316 Half store pay ................. 545 Haint got the stamps.......... 300 Haint struck bottom yet........ 307 Hair on the bed 3.............. 304 Hall's guide tew health ....... 498 Hambetonian breed of cats..... 518 Hand full ov trumps.......... 292 Hang onto them............... r 73 Hannah Campbell ............ 363 H anniba I ..................... 501 Hansurn husbands.;, ........... 544 Hard soap ............ ...... 358 Harlequin .................... 93 Hard tack ..................... 283 Hash ......................... 46 Hash will tell ............... 279 Hash with a clear conscience.... 299 Hasty puddin ................. 544 Hav a ritch daddy............. 68 Have 2 biles on me ............ 49 Heart breaking Adonis ......... 442 Heathins are alwus kind... ... 505 He haz been here and left...... 420' page: xx (Index) -xxi (Index) [View Page xx (Index) -xxi (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xx (Index) -xxi (Index) Helthy az onions ................. 5" Hen-peck dodges ...... ....... 328 Her heavenly bust............. 437 Her husbands, 12 in all ........ 365 Hi and hoary .................. 576 Hiawatha. ................... 333 High price of happiness ........ 68 High stepping words.......... 2" Hight ov the Falls ............. 387 Hi lo jak ..................... 254 ily butiful................... 546 Hily improper ................. 43 Himmelay Mountains .......... 403 Hind quarter of lamb......... 535 Hind side before ............... 315 Hi old Adams................. 597. Hi-pressure reservoi ........... 613 Historick vermin ............. 151 His weak points ................ 245 Hive fleas ....... ...............538 Hod carriers ................... 339 Holding a hi offiss ............. 206 Hold on, tew yure false hair..... " Hold perhaps a- pint ............ 392 Home ................. ...... 59 Home of General Harrison....... 432 Homer and Herodotus .......... 116 Honesty ...................... 88 Honest old Dutchman .......... 468 Honey fugled.................. 410 Hon. John Morressey .......... 389 Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff ........ 407 Hooks & eyes ................. 240 Hooks up hiz wife's dress ....... 3.58 Hope iz a hen ................. 286 "f Horn Comb "................... 62 Horn of Plenty ............... 62 Horns of rum and tanzy.......... 429 Horns ov poor whiskey ......... 47 Hornets .......... ............ 41 Hoss laffs ..................... 4" Hoss sense .................... 78 H otels........................ " Hotel Bills .................... 292 Hot kakes and kaughphy ...... 460 Hot korn ..................... 294 Hottentott language ........... 247 House rent free ................ 5" How a kiss tastes............. 585 Howard......................... 498 How pleazed i am ............. 579 ,How to pik out a wife .......... 82 Horace Greeley ................ 496 Hug each other............... 324 Hugging and kissing .......... 837 Human natur in a krab, ....... 00 Human polecats .............. 338 Hungry for sum gospel ........ 80 Hunting after fleas ............ 207 Hunt for a Christian ........... 234 Hunt for a man ................ 250 Husbands of menny wives ...... 113 I ain't fooling ................ 163 I am charitable ................ 252 I am yure man ................ 486 I don't kno them ............. 219 If i don't, i ought to ........... 302 I follow the Skriptures ........ 188 I hev seen her do it ............ 122 I have seen the game .......... 482 I kan taste it now............ 416 I kant! ................ .... 393 I kant tell ..................... 147 He and molassis mixt .......... 343 I like a hornet ................ 307 Illiad ov Homer ............... 345 Imaginary trouble ............. 267 Imitators ov oddness ........... 543 Immorality in ambush ......... 503 Impashioned bull frog .......... 4" Impudense, whare is thy sting!. 422 In a private apartment ......... 330 In bible times ................ 297 In broad dalite ................ 165 Index ov karacter ............. 418 Indiginous bug ................ 606 Indignant good sense .......... 408 I never bet ..................... 309 I never met one ................ 384 In favor ov the cobbler ......... 409 Infilamibel bugger ............. 154 Inhuman orthography] ......... 575 Injun poetry ........ ........ 335 Ink brats ..................... 269 Ink bugs ..................... 288 In lo Duch ................... 434 In loud italicks, C. O, D ....... 103 In me sumwhere .............. 480 In States Prison ............... 493 Intelligent civilization......... 2. 283 In the Bible ................. 249 In the wainscot ................. 108 Into a pie together ............. 56 Invenshun .................... 385 I onst took a pharm ............ 66 It reaches from the cradle ....... 419 Irish cooks .............. i.... 445 I shall jine them.............. 471 Israel Dunbar ................. 228 Is whiskee a tonick? .......... 453 It hurts the babys ............ 131 It iz in man .................. 135 I should say plural ............. 409 I thanked him and smiled...... 404 I took a jug. ................. 425 It's a bileing.................. 591 It's dredful prerogative ......... 339 Its prestine virginity ............ 415 I kno mi phailings............. 219 I wan't drunk that nite......... 416 It works nights ................ 275 Ixion .......................... 458 J. Jawhones ................ ... . 244 Jealousy... ................... 220 Jeremy Diddler ................ 569 Jersee litening ................ 399 Jews harps ................... 231 Jim Buchanan ................ 362 Just about rite.. .448 Jest a little more .............. 463 Joan of Ark ... ................. 529 Job, the Apostle .............. 51 Job, the profit . ................. 48 Joe French ........ ........... 465 Joel Parker .................... 471 John Bascomb ................ 361 Join the Sha kers........... 446 Joke ov Jupiter's..... 101 Joner's gourd ................. 449 Joner's ketching the whale...... 176 Joseph was sent............... 371 Josh Billings az a frend....... 381 Josh at Niagara Falls.......... 386 Josh Billings under oath....... 383 Josh communes ............... 548 Josh settles up ................ 475 Joshua, not "Josh "............ 504 Jordan ............ ........... 302 Judus Iskaratt ................ 133 Juise Harp ................... 460 Jupiter stood treat ............ 428 Just as they cum ............. 567 Just belo the knee ............. 195 Just like cheese ............... 268 Just so in morals ............. 241 t{. Kalamil and gallup ...........? 444 Kalico on the brain ....... .... 444 Kalled a milk sop ............. 522 Kammel's hair shawl ........... 40 Kanada thistles ................ 162 Kansass ...................... 60 3 Kant alwus see it ............. 312 Kant stand sivilization ........ 166 Kant warrent a good crop ...... 4" Kapacity valuable .. ........... 563 Capital of Mass ......... ...... 507 Kare on mi mind .............. 431 Kareless, but honest ........... 570 Kaster ile ......... ........... 270 K ats .................. ....... 186 Kats intestines ................ 401 Kats pedigree ................. 262 Keep a grocery .............. 547 Keep a hoss and buggy........ 303 Keep boarders .................. 202 Keep from tipping over........ 167 Keep the angleworms .......... 99 Key bugle style ............... 486 Kindling wood................ 256 Kindness ov a klub............ 303 Kind ov skared. -. ........... 158 Kussing ....................... 62 Kiss and hang on ............ 500 Killing me bi inches .......... 589 Klam broth ov literature....... 233 Klamorous but subdued ........ 257 Klam soup. 569 Klassikal musik ............... 480 Klosing klose................. 607 Knocked out ov tune .......... 420 Knower had hens .............. 168 Knows hiz bizzness............ " Kodfish bawls 3 times ......... 325 Kold feete................. 309 Koliding ...... 434 Kompliment to oxen........... 371 Komposed of wind ............ 604 Komnpound with him .......... 235 Kondemn kontrary ... ........ 261 Kondusiv tew helth ............ 443 Konstantly open... 6........... 615 Kontentment.................. 33 Korn ......................... 370 Korn dodgers ............... 370 Korns, and bunyons ........... 39 Kounterfit munny............. 505 Kranbery mash ................ 460 K'razy for ventilashun... .......312 page: xxii (Index) -xxiii (Index) [View Page xxii (Index) -xxiii (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xxii (Index) -xxiii (Index) Kronick grunters ............... 331 Krudility ov sum pholks ....... 592 Kuller is no kriterion .......... 504 Kultivate an excentricity ...... 266 Kultivated hyena .............. 320 Kultivate mi palate ............ 560 Kuntry gide-board.......... 322 Kure a man .................. 107 Kured this way ............... 545 Kussed little .................. 65 Kut it oph ..... .............. 563 Kut out for smart .............. 245 Kussed poor hotels ........... 400 L. Lady bug ..................... 203 Laffing ....................... 75 Laffing on the haff-shell ........ 76 Laff vividly .................. 269 Lake Ontario .................. 387 Lam and green peas........... 116 Lam chops every morning ..... 201 Land ov hand orgins.......... 451 Landing ov the pilgrims....... 429 Laste thing ................... 345 Law ov instinkt ........ ...... 101 Lazarus .... .................. 342 Lazarus died ritch............. 368 Leading artikles .............. 334 Learn tew be hansum.......... 265 Lektur onto it ....... ........ 176 Lend- yure dollars ............. 269 Less than one a day .......... 169 Let the mixture be ............ 549 Let her rip................... 88 Let the publick decide......... 538 Let yure lover see ............ 481 Let yure wife cook them ........ 139 Less wear and tare ........... 510 Life iz short .................. 259 Lightning bugs ... .............. 2" Little -here belo ............... 499 Limber as therfigger 8 ......... 433 Literature is debilitating ....... 529 Lively for a few minnits ....... 148 Lively out.............. ..... 566 Liv on buty .................. 45 Lizzards and frogs ............. 193 Lo, and behold............... 598 Loafers differ .................. 231 Lobstir sallad.................. 209 Lokated in his noze ............ 357 London....................... 492 Long Branch ................. 897 Lookin for old rye ............ 443 "Look out Josh" .............. 80 Lost arts ...................... 86 Love ......................... 43 Lovely Bridget McGuire ........ 452 Lovely woman smaks me...... 367 Lucky when he gits it......... 212 Luther...... .............. 546 Luxury ov grunting ......... 232 Machinery of Kreashun........ 147 Madagascar . .............. 434 Made one ................ ... 801 Magnificent happiness.......... 579 Major Andre .................. 889 Make a phellow ............... 560 Make a note ov this ............ 305 Make the kettle bile ........... 561 Makes a man laff .............. 5" Makes me very popular .......... 474 Makrel job .................... 398 Malishus men ................. 207 Malissov fun .................. 463 Man iz our brother ......3..... 379 Man ov mi learning. ............ 47 Man the Capting............... 559 Manifess destiny ............... 489 Manure it, well ................ 412 Manure yure sile .............. 107 Marked "C O.D." .............. 134 Mark ov grate abilities......... 82 Mark Twain ................... 573 Married life. ................ 269 Marriages are unhappy ......... 499 Marry an angel ................ 548 Marry a young wife ............ 806 Marry for buty ................ 36 Marrying for money..... ..... 217 Mary had a little lam .......... 52 Mary's lam .................. 53 Mathamaticks ................ 301 Matilda O'Brine ............... 455 Matrimony iz a ded beat ........ 37 Matty ........................ 489 Me and mi wife ................ 353 Mean bi komparison. ............ 583 Means of grace ................ 457 Means to ends ................. 109 Meat vittles ................... 143 Melted pathos .................. 594 Mentioned in the Good Book .... 381 Men whom I owe .............. 289 Murcury .................... 501 Mere charlatans ............... 268 Methuzeler aint here ........... 125 Methuseler died ritch .......... 412 Methuseler for a fu ............ 364 Mi bronkial glandorials........ 521 Mi brother ...... ........... 5" My consern............... 557 My dear Miss Jemmima ....... 483 Mi eventful life ................ 514 Mi final salvashun ............. 514 Mi fust virtews ... ........ ...... 484 Mi habits ...... ............... 524 Mi imaginashun ............... 126 Mi inferior ...... .............. 447 Mi influence ................. 483 Mi kork leg ................... 441 Mi left perswader ............. 478 Mi lektur on "Milk ".......... 521 Mi own karakter ............ 302 Mi preveleges .... ........... 473 Mi relish for pork .............. 616 Mi reserve powers. .............. 588. Mi resolushun ................. 530 Mi sollum thinking .......... ... 554 Mi taylor and shumaker........ 441 M i wife ....................... 494 Millioneres are numerous....... 398 Ministers are obliged to........ 231 Mink muffs ................... 150 "Milk a cow on the run.......... 69 Milk and molasses kissing ...... 63 Milk juleps .......... ........ 490 Milk punch and sour sider...... 424 Miscelaneous crab.............. 399 Miss him ...................... 106 Misterious wisdum............ 571 M ister Bates ................... 473 Mister Brown................. 4" Mollassis kandy................ 2" Money at interest ............. 289 Monkey shines ................ 210 Moral grip in marriage ........ 36 Moral stamina .......... . 154 More cigars .......... - 366 Morehumor................... 436 More leggs than brains ........ 41 More phools ..................... 246 Morbid taylors.................. 509 More sincere than capable....... 503 M ore tite ...................... 366 Mormons ....................* 154 Morning nuze .... ........... 450 Morristown .................... 492 Most elegant vittles ........... 200 Most sakred horn .............. 60 Mother duz things ............ 446 Mount Arryatt ................ 402 Mount Holyoke .............. 517 Mount Ida .................... 428 Mount Maria. .................. 580 Mount Moriahll..'.............. 575 Mount Thomas. .....1.. 517 Mr. Beans ...... ............ 556 Mr. Bergh ..................... 38 Mr. Cowper.................. 501 Mr. Cummings............... 595 Mr. John Smith............... 318 Mr. Miller .................... 421 Mr. Lo, the injun .............. 333 Mr. Lots wife .................. 382 Mr. William Bramble .......... 531 Mrs. Patrick McFerguson....... 456 Mudturkles ................... 139 Mules in Wheeling ............ 493 M ustard ...................... 542 Must be their stummuks....... 165 Must have sum hash ........... 5" Mutilated currency............. 525 My family bosom.............. 523 My well eye .................. 550 My wife grew dearer ........... 388 My wife turned pale ........... 387 No.. Nabor Shermans ............... 536 Natral, but cheap .............. 257 Natral History ................. 494 Natur luve misterys ............ 148 Naturalists say so .............. 179 Nasty buzzard ................. 568 Natches ............... ........ 465 Nazareth ............... ..... 242 Neludkennezer .............. 130 Necessary az shinplasters....... 64 Nest eggs .................... 2" New kind ov deviltry.......... 351 New Orleans molasses .......... 330 New York Citty............. . 212 New York legislature .......... 406 Next door nabor........ ....... 2830 Nice, aint it? .................. 571 Nikolsum pavements ........... 554 Ninkumpoop tribe ............. 454 Noali had a coon................. 1" Noah in the ark ............... 160 Noah'i pets .................. 55 page: xxiv (Index) -xxv (Index) [View Page xxiv (Index) -xxv (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xxiv (Index) -xxv (Index) North Bend. . .................. 432 Nqrway ...... ... ......... 488 No better than skimmilk ...... 86 No female admitted............ 378 No poeck ................ 489 No man kan make one........ 517 No man shall beat inme......... 367 Nobody ever saw one ............ 224 Nothing to feed on ............. 265 Nothing so delishus ............ 317 Notis one thing ............... 271 Not so much advice ............ 216 Not very delikate .............. 548 Nosegays ................ . 3" Nusepaper kriticks ............. 571 Nussing the rumatizz .......... 240 Nuss the stub ................ 85 O. * Oats .......................... 409 Oats are a phunny grain ........ 410 Obadiah Bunkum ............. 453 Obliged tew spend ............. 517 Oh Charitee I Oh Charitee!..... 381 Ods and ens .................. 245 Old az Ishmels self. .......... 3892 Old bummer ................... 379 Old ciderbrandist .............. 533 Old Cheese ....... .......... 542 Old clothes bizzness ............ 829 Old deakon Skinner ............ 348 Old Dorgs ..................... 293 Old for the bizzness ............ 503 Old grannys ................. 281 "Old Hundred ............... 547 Old hyson tea .................... 273 ( Old Ishma hel.. ................. 392 Old people ..................... 297 "Old Probabilitiz " ............. 319 Old red pepper-pod ............ 532 ( Old saws reset ................. 329 ( Old skool allopath ............. 98 Older than Methuseler......... 122 ( Olympian country ........;.... 458 Omnibus loss .. ............ 112 On a bad bust .. ............... 187 On a frolik .................. 425 ,On a mule ..................... 258 On courting ....... ....... 451 On the butt-end ................ 544 P On the blind side ............. 61 P Oits little bed ................ 77 P 32 Ontherack.................. 73 38 On the sli ..................... 241 !6 On the war path ............ 190 '8 One egg, perdiem .......... 123 W9 One limber jinte ............... 357 7 One of them crimes ...... ... 499 7 One ov Solomans.............. 146 4 One ov the lost arts ............ 384 5 One ovlove's pimps ............ 463 7 One ov natur's sekrets.......... 144 1 One ov the phew ............... 128 6 Only a 4th Korporal ........... 293 8 Only to a phew .................. 20 I Only once more: ............... 132 1 Ontra to all cirkles............. 188 ) Opening clams ................ 92 3 Openings for young men ....... 512 Open nite and day............ 379 Opinion ov gin and milk......... 362 OpinyunsIvenerate ............ 571 Old virgin waz taking medicine. 68 Ordinary literary hack ......... 538 Original packages ............. 492 Othello ....................... 318 Other romping critters ......... 101 Our ancesters .................. 468 Our best bilt historians ......... 126 Our dorg's tale ............... 2" Our durned luk ............... 594 Our humane Bergh............ 493 Our konsekutiff family ......... 535 Our old blak len 1............. 168 Our poor relashuns ............. 541 Our private sekritary............ 280 Our remorseless brats .......... 326 Our vast inkunms .............. 490 Out for an airing ............. " Out in Nevada .................. 467 Out in the kold........... ..... 570 Out ova job .................. 98 Outrun a blak snaik ........... 321 Overdrawn mi account .......... 537 "Owe for a lodge "............. 501 Owing tew my bile ............ 416 Owly ................ ....... 465 Own wust enemys .......... .. 327. Oxigin and kole dust ........... 513 P. Pacifick Oshun ................ 45i6 Paganini ...................... 610 Painted in water kullers........ 55 Palmy daze ov Noah ........... 33o Parable ov the virgins. .......-... 344 Paradise ..................... 108 Pra radise 108 Parboils ........... 7.. - 25 Parasites skeedadle ............ 525 Paris fashions ................. 394 Paris imposition.............- 476 Parson Powell ................ 470 Patching pantaloons ........... 485 Patent for butter .............. Pathos without fuss .......... . 63 Paul ........................ 530 Paul Burdok .............. 454 Pay them oph ........ ....... 5- Peanut krop .................. 45 Peeled wide open .............. 475 Peddling imp of humanity...... 390 Pedigree of the rooster .......... 584 Peliminous remarks ............ 532 Pensive cockroach ............. 495 Pensive Rebekker ....... ....... 487 Peppermint ................. 229 Pepper pods .................. 37 Perfekt person.. ............ . 250 * Perishable goods ............... 48 Permanently ridiklous ......... 300 Pesky is the Flea .............. 1(i5 Peterfunk ... ... ............. 183 Phaith is cheap ................ 129 Phatting hl ogs ............... 497 Pheals his dependanse. ....... 573 Phew but unique .............. 104 Phew konfidants .............. 262 Philanthropisters .............. 43 9 Philosophy ................... 218 Phishl Bawls.................. 260 Phool me with hash........... 128 Phools and bobalinks.......... 296 Phools like phishes ............ 278 Phooled me....... ............ 540 Phooling with molassis ......... 141 Phollys ov grate men .......... 289 Phond aspirashuns ............. 584 Piety, like beans........... 273 Piety ov Moses .,......... . 448 Pick the men ................. 309 Pik out a dog ................. 84 Pik out a kat .................. 86 Pindar ........... ..... ...... 476 Pitchin cents .................. 459 Pitch hedlong into solitude..... 117 Pitty sutch pholks .............. 152 Pissmires ..................... 278 Pizoned by striknine ........... 517 Pizon ov infatuashun .......... 39 Perpetual moshun............ 342 Planted with Kangaroos ...... 135 Play jokes upon others ......... 242 Play lion ................ 339 Play the autokrat............. 282 Play the monkey.............. 543 Plato....... ....... ........** . 475 Pleze state how long .......... 404 Pliloth rok ..... ............... 508 Plug tobacco. ............ .. 155 Plum Pits ..... .......... 2.17 Phun in phisick ............... 225 Pochahontas ................. 364 Poetry department ............ 54 Poetry in gin ............ 220 Poets and skollars ............. 507 Pollygamy iz a blessing ........ 427 Pompous man ................. 326 Poor Erie ..................... 1" Pordunk ....... ............ 99 Pordunk village ............... 348 Pordunk Sowing Sosiety ....... 382 Pork and beans................ 305 Posishun iz everything......... 533 Poultiss their own shins! ..... 228 Poverty haz no friends ......... 293 Prayed in lo dutch ............. 70 Praying for the heifer .......... 347 Prefer the fits................ 480 Prefer their iniquity ........... 376 Pregnant With science........... 66 Premeditated sorrow .......... 153 Pretty much all bug.......... 189 Pretty Ruth ................... 481 Prick abladder ...... .......... 274 Pride. ......................... 220 Pride is bogus................ 216 Primeval forests.............. 270 Principally in one spot ......... 75 Private state room ..............5" Procrastination................ 290 Professor Norris ............ 453 Professor of arithmatik ......... 125 Prohibitory laws............... 378 Promiskuss cussing ........... 52 Promiskuss hair............... 158 Prospekt hiz wind ............. 406 Proverbial Pig ............ .... 380 Prudery ov falsehood ........... 43 Pettit larceny ................. 108 P. T. Barnum kind ............ 195 Puddin and. milk .... .......... 215 Pumpkin Pi ................... 87 Ptinktuality .................. 312 Punning is nothing............ 215 Pupys on the green ............48 Pure emotional kissing......... 63 page: xxvi (Index) -xxvii (Index) [View Page xxvi (Index) -xxvii (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xxvi (Index) -xxvii (Index) Pure mathumaticks ............. 656 Puter ten cent pieces ........... 35 Put in hiz lip .................. 420 Put up the sled ................ 244 Q- Quadripeds of genius ............ 529 Questions and answers......... 68 Quote latin ........... ......... 438 R. Rag karpets .................. 410 Raise beans ................... 550 "Ram's Horn "................. 61 Ramu in a bak .lot .............. . 343 Ramrods ...................... 206 ' Rather fishy .................. 136 Rats .......................... 39 Rats agin ........ ...... 487 Rats are migratorious .......... 488 Rats i dont luv ................ 110 Raze beets.................... 539 Raze nite mares ............... 191 Razetudstools ................. 246 Read everything.......... ... 243 Reddyal piUSn n. ............. 505 Reddy for dinner. ............ 145 Reddy to drink................ 260 Reliable hash ................. 5" Reliable sett ov bowels ......... 248 Religion in a fly ................ 142 Religion iz a trade ............. 287 Remarkable beast of prey....... 138 Remnants ............... ..... 301 Remorse of cinning ........... 355 Repentanse .................... 291 Retired in their habits.......... 202 Resemble mi parent ............I 525 Residents at Niagara ........... 390 Revenge ................... . 223 Revenge on the haff-shell ...... 50 Rev. Moses Bickerstaff .......... 402 Revolushionary war ........... 495 Rhehoboam Beecher ........... 87 Ridikuled bi poets ............. 547 Right pucker for it ............ 71 Risky bizzness ................ 173 Rite tew the pint .............. 535 Robert Burnes ......... 389 Roger the blacksmith .......... 469 i 1 Rogers Williams.............. 469' Roosters ...................... 113 Roots for brekfast .............. 238 Rotory cohesiveness ............. 457 Roste duk and apple sass ....... 190 Ruff tyranny ..... ............ 568 Ruin a deacon ............... 87 Rum and Tansy ............... 87 Rum enny skarser? ....... .. 119 Rum iz a bill ov exchange ...... 376 Rumor ....................... 221 Running the mashine .......... 449 Run out ov the truth .......... 302 Running through mi head ..... 62 Run with manure ............. 65 Run your hand along .......... 405 ' Rute hog or di."... 554 Sad and weary,. .......... 430 Safest people we hav ........... 350 Sages and phools .............. 229 Saliva mi hands ............... 175 Sally cum up................ s . 120 Salt on a sore place ............ 94 SalL on his tail ................ 106 Salts and perilash ......... ..... 527 Salvashun Bitters .............. 518 Same storys over again ........ 291 Sampson ..................... 494 Sanguinary ov suckces ........ 461 Sanktified gentlemen........... 567 Saratoga and Lake George..... 424 Sass a cow .................... 552 Sassyfras s .................... 520 Sassy tu poverty ............... 270 Satan ... .................... 306 Save eggs ..................... 348 Saws ......................... 30.6 Schuyler Colfax ............... 432 Science a dwarf................ 578 Science run into the ground..... 66 Search for the missing wife..... 468 Search history with one-eye..., 474 Second hand articles........... 42 Seckond wife............... 263 Sed a good thing .............. 439 Sed tew be innocent: ........ 129 Seduce a korn dodger.......... 370 See a missionary ............... 528 See if the coast is clear ......... 413 See the game ................. 400 Sell out mi money ........... 171 Send for a physician ........... 9 Series, a primitiff woman....... 37 Servant gall, with hoops on..... 74 Serve mamon ................. 276 Served me right ............... 565 Sewing Sosietys ............... 25 Shakers . ...:...9........... 9 Shakespeares opinion .......... 369 Sharp Brothers ...... .......... 492 Sheep laff........ ....... .....298 Shelburne .... ......... .. 580 Sherry cobblers................ 1" Shine em up .................. 259 Shirtless heathen............. 84 Shoddy & Petroleum........... 526 Shooting stars.. ............ ... 316 Short but sweet ............I.. 495 Short sermons ............. 31 Shrimps ............ .. ....... 52 Shu blaks .............. ........ 442 Shuteing at a mark ............ 534 Shut up one eye ............... 564 Sitty ov Bufferlo ............... 369 Six hours at theoopera .......... 323 Six inches ov it ................ 61 Six little checks ............... 114 Skalawags 56......... ,.....o 564 Skin the eel ................... 476 Skriptur will tell yu........... 443 Slikest time in yure life........ 452 Slow Christians ................ 254 Small at that .................. 105 Small pox ............ ..... 235 Smart for their size.. .......... 540 Smash a dilemma .............. 59 Smell of hiz breath............. 406 Smile and drink ............... 403 Smiley ....................... 557 Smirking Satanity... ... ....... 103 Sneak in, after dark ........... 164 Snow shoes ................. . 163 Snyder ....................... 488 Soaking themselfs out ......... 516 Soaking yure own feet ......... 38 Soft and holy shadder .......... 217 Soft harvest moon ............. 315 Soft klams .................... 320 So modest and frail...... ...... 5" So mutch to the pound ......... 58 So sez Blakstone ..... .......... 121 Solan, the ancient .............. 434 'Solitude....................... 222 Sollum Thoughts .............. 286 Sons ov temperanse.. ,194 Soon out ov season ............. 221 Sore eyed lap dogs ............. 93 Sound on the goose ............ 110 Spalding's glue ............... 85 Sparking ................. ..... 82 Spark two galls at once ........ 286 Spinnage .................... 541 Spit on yure hands ............. 484 Spirit ov adventure ............ 84 Spiritual manafestashuns ....... 292 Spontaneous kats.............. 368 Spred with butter ............. 258 Spring and Biles .............. 48 Spring, in undress............. 891 Spring lam .................. 93 Spruce gum chawing.......... 33 Square on a bile ............... 3" Stane in hiz pedigree..... ... 37 State ov Iowa .................. 369 Star Spangled Banner ......... 1" Steal oats..................... 294 Steal privately ............. 374 Steals what he eats. ............ 149 Steal water-melons ............ 155 Steal with good judgement ...... 447 Step into hiz shuze............. 813 Stiring up the animals ........ 35 Stool-pigeons ................ 374 Straws,in his mouth........... 380 Stray children ................. 264 Strength ov character .......... 296 Strike for higher wages........ 204 Strikly confidenshall ........... 180 Striped snake .................. 129 Studdy dikshionarys ........... 218 Studdy yure genius ............ 238 Studdy men and things ......... 218 Studdy natur. ................ 192 Stujent ........................ 488 Stupid kritter................. 230 Style in writing............... 314 Style iz everything ............. 252 Suavity ov molassis............ 290 Subburbs ov sentimentality..... 102 Success ....................... 212 Such iz man I ................. 161 Suckshun for others ........... 254 Suddenly virtewous ............. 283 Sue me for damages........... .810 Sugar hogsheds................ 341 Suggar coated pills............. 810 Suit the market ............... 109 Suitable mourning ............. 8396 Suitable references............. 456 Sumboddy's yello dorg....... " page: xxviii (Index) -xxix (Index) [View Page xxviii (Index) -xxix (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xxviii (Index) -xxix (Index) Summer vakations ............. 528 Summer tourists ............... 309 Sumthing tew drink ........... 75 Sum fewter time .............. " Sum hash is good ............. 474 Sum Indian in him ............. 358 Sum other pheller's sister....... 294 Sum punkins ................. 567 Sum ov the dents.............. 480 Sum ov the tail ................ 549 Sucking eggs .................. 105 Surnamed bellyzebubb ........ 173 Sutch iz man .................. 109 Swap it oph ................... 543 Swapping legs ................. 553 Swap with him ............... 558 Sware to it besides ............. 384 Sweet and sticky ............... 305 Sweet bug .................... 600 Sweet Nuisance................ 509 Sweet on molassiss kandy ...... 92 Swill barrells .................. 133 Swift Andriskoggin ............ 580 T. Tad poles ..................... 233 Take half ov it ................ 287 Take mi two children ......... s9 Take sum rubarb .............. 541 Talent and genius ............. 276 Talk back to the nigger........ 71 Tame kats ........ ........... 41 Tare up the resipee ........... 84 Target excursions ............. 156 Tavern bizzness........ 73 The adder . .................. 1" The action ov the leggs......... 458 The Allabarmerklaims ......... 119 The Amerikan pet............. 331 The anakondy ................. 195 The animile's dimenshuns ..... 176 The act of stealing.......:...... 1" The Atlantik Oshun............ 397 The Aunt .................. 169 The author ov Gin ............. 403 The author's hands.... ....... 310 The back side ov me ............ 417 The ballot box ................. 484 The barbarians ............... 447 The Bat ....................... 146 The bed iz inhabited ........... 74 The best kard.............. 265 The best phisick ............... 279 The Bizzy Body ............... 40 The Lizzness ov hash .......... 73 The Blak Snaik. ................ 174 The blujay .. ................ 198 The Blue Racer ................ 174 The Bobalink .............. 182 The boddy politick ....:....... 288 The border injun .............. 182 The bottom ov her cups ........ 393 The bounding deer ............ 334 The brite blu ski .............. 430 The bronskeesucks ............. 167 The brownkreetis ............. 576 Tile bug-brutes ............... 166 The BuggBear ............... 189 The Bull head ................. 138 The Bumble Bee............... 144 The bursted angell ............ 438 The buzzum ov the queen...... 141 The chameleon. ............... 267 The cheeky man ............... 329 The cherub Fly ............. 588 The child of Hope.............-. 317 The child ov precept .............. 546 The child of silence ............ 80 The City ov Jerusalem ......... 144 The Clam .................... 128 The cockatoo .................. 574 The Cockroach ........ ...... 160 The codfish ..... .......... 136; The colored brother ............ 202 Theconjugaler Bend ........... 433 The Continental Hotel.......... 8398 The crab ................. ..... 132 The crow ......... ........... 143 The crowned beds ov Europe... 197 The Cross Man ............... 847 The Cursid Musketo ......... .-. 151 The Daizy ..................... 343 The Darwin theory ........ ... 363 The days ov chivalry ........... 536 The Deceitful Cuss............. 338 The desert of Sarah............ 357 The devil's stool pigeon........ 5382 The Domestik Man ............ 339 Tecumser ...... ....... ........ 389 Tempranse bevridge........... 418 Tenderla ajew. ............... 382 The Eagle ................... 183 The Earwig................... 602 The Eel Snaik ................. 196 The elastik elephant ........... 616 The Eleventh Commandment... 271 The Elyseum fields ............ 522 The ensiklopedio ............... 497 The far W est... .... ........... 387 The fassest hoss ............... 232 The father of lies.............. 239 The Fault Finder .............. 331 The feet of a tulip ............. 394 The feet ov Maria .............. 575 The festive clam ............... 587 The fidgit and the conipshun.... 425 The 5th avenue hotel .. ....... 446 The flafit side ov earth.. ....... 325 The flood accident ............. 524 The Fly....... ............... 140 The fust edishun .............. 310 The fust gal i loved ............ 522 The fust j uise harp ............ 69 The fun ailment ............... 92 The Funny Man ............... 347 The Game chicken ............. 190 The genius ov reazon ......... 573 The glory of virtew ............ 308 The Goddess ov korn........... 4" The Goslin .................... 201 The Gote. . .................... 124 The grate Colyseum ........... 509 The grate negro man sir........ 515 The grate news ................ 118 The gratest problem........... 376 The Grecian Bend ............. 433 The Greenlanders.............. 442 The Grub. .................... 203 The Guina Hen ................ 20) The gulf of Mexiko............ 578 That ends it ................... 305 That iz whisky ................ 194 That kind miself............... 303 That will wash well ........... 78 Thimblerig ........ ......... 395 Their devilish appearance....... 205 Their love for me ......... . . 131 Their natiff land ................ 181 ' Theodorus Whitney............. 63 They are amphipicuss.......... 191 They hang around grocerys..... 141 They wasn't twmins ............. 558 Theze comik geniuses .......... 150 Things i can't prove .......... 233 Thinkin ov Italy .............. 369 This partikular junktur ........ 230 , This selebrated bugg ......... 188 This visionary world ........... 149 This wants an affidavy......... 140 Thoro wort tea ................ 597 Thought over the thin ........ 488 Three females and one man..... 504 Three hours a day ............. 532 Three men for a husthand ...... 555 Three'quarts ov whiskey ....... 194 Three stories .................. 466 Three wimmin to support ....... 504 Thru a rhy straw .............. 232 Thunderstruck at fust .......... 414 The hland of beauty . ........... 274 The happy man ............... 327 The Hawk .................... 147 The henpecked man............ 328 The Hindoo ......... ..... 396 The Hipressure Phool .......... 344 The hole he kan fill ............ 553 The Hoop Snaik ............... 194 The Hoosick tunnel ............ 297 The Hornet .................... 154 The hornet respektabil ......... 95 The Hosstrich ................. 181 The Hudson ................... " The hluman family............ 01 The Hum Bugg ..............!187 The hurry ov pissmires......... 219 Tickle hiz nose ....... ......... 487 Tickling the buzzum........... 4" Tight boots.................... 50 Tim e ......................... 290 Time- honored garter ........... 196 Tire the spot out............. 553 Tithits of woman's natur........ 57 Tite spots in mi life ............ 50 The Interviewer ............... 320 The itch .................. 91 The Jakass .................... 6" The journey of life .......... 54 The Kangaroo ................. 135 The katekism .................. 821 The kindness of experience..... 138 The kopper-hed Snaix .......... 197 The krickets ................... 432 The lam and the dove .......... 52 The lam has a short tail ......... 53 The laps of ages ............... 11.0 The late Alexander Pope ...... 406 The lawless cockroach ......... 515 The ]ekturer's room ............ 374 The lice ov Egipt............... 568 The lightning bug's tail......... 226 The literary ring ............... 539 The Live man .................. 330 The Loafer .................... 341 The Lord only knows .......... 287 The Lord won't endorse ........ 281 The louse are gregarious....... 184 The louse is playing tag ........ 184 page: xxx (Index) -xxxi (Index) [View Page xxx (Index) -xxxi (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xxx (Index) -xxxi (Index) The lower Mississippi .......... 466 The limb of mankind .......... 526 The Mackrel .................. 137 The male trombone ............. 521 The May Flower ............... 524 The Mayor and his wife ........ 142 The meazles .................... 158 The meddo mole ................ 148 The meek Phool ............... 344 The mering ram ............... 327 The milk Snaik ................ 175 The Mink ...................... 323 The mirakel of Pharaoh ........ 423 The missionary bizzness ......... 336 The Miss Simpbonys ............. 453 The misterious hens egg ........ 155 The modern Buzzer ............ 320 The monkey .............,.... 100 The morning Gazzette .......... 322 The mouse.... ............... . 108 The mule ................ 163 The mundane Earth ............ 581 The musk Rat ................ 322 The necessarys ................ 212 The Negro and the Trout....... 390 The nobel kodfish, .............. 97 The nobel red man.............. 333- The North Pole ............... 385 The nuze boy ................. 608 Toast with a quail on it ........ 441 Too airish..................... 319 Too original ................... 236 Too phond of musik ............ 82 Told so bi a german............ 416 Total depravity ................ 210 To save a bet ................... 121 The occult rhinosceros ........... 514 The officious man .............. 328 The old bachelor .............. 57 The omnibust hoss ............. 336 The one Idea man .............. 327 The only respektabel way ....... 139 The operashun of marriage ...... 533 The other end down ............ 169 The other two meals ........... 137 The Parrot............................. 182 The pathos ov veneration ...... 486 The Patridge ................ 199 The Peter Tucker colt ......... 407 The Perpendiklar man......... 350 The peruvian lama ............ 166 The Phiddle ................... 609 The Phunny man .............. 829 The pissmire.................. 103 Tlhe pissmire a laffing stok ...... 95 The Plug ugly ................ 124 The poet sez ................. 168 The Pole i z got............... 498 The Pole Kat ................. 104 The Pollywogg ............... 137 The poodle .................... 158 The Porkupine ............... 204, T'he Posatiff man .............. 346 - The possum ................... 149 The prevailing fashun.......... 313 The pucker string ............. 555 The Quail ..................... 199 Transmit the hump ....... .... 434 Translated into Hindoo ......... 402 Translate the wurd............ 435 Travels for a living ............ 344 Treacherous in their joy. ...... 350 Tributes to good boss sense..... 79 Tried it on mi aunt. ........ 425 Tri lamp ile. ..... ............. 561- Try histeriks .................. 561 The Rabbit.................... 157 The ranebo in the East ........ 353 The Rase Koarse ............. 458 The Rat Tarrier............... 99 The Rattlesnaix ............... 193 The Red See .................. 423 The right heft ................ 4" The Robbing.................. 145 The Roman empire............. 285 The role ov infamy ........... 570 The rudder of affairs........... 559 The same bizzness ............. 349 The same old spot .............. 134 The Sandy Hill Crane.......... 192 The Saxon.................... 896 The seed ov the woman....... 173 The Sea Sarpent Snaix......... 196 The Shinner .................. 570 The Shyster ................... 569 The Siamese Twins. ............ 460 The size ov hiz pile............ 385 The Snip e ..................... 160 The sorest bile in market..t.... 316 The sorry Christian ............ 424 The soshul masheen ............ 3" The souls of their feet ........ 516 The South .................... 422 The southern crop .............. 854 The steeds ov Nimrod.......... 373 The striped snaik .............. 1" The studs ov Akilles.. ........ 373 The stummuk ake............. 51 The surplus niggers............ 485 The Swallo ................... 146 The 10 commandments ........ 404 The tarrier. ................... 97 The tree tud ................... 204 The trail of literature. ......... 4" Tuched bottom ................ 260 Turkey ....................... 180 Turned out loose............... 578 Tuff thing to overhaul .......... 57 Twin sister to charity .......... 359 The unearthly speller.......... 515 The Union ................... 375 The velosipead ...... ........... 456 The venerable age of 86........ 401 The vernakular ................ 222 The virtewous heathen.......... 318 Twas ever thus ............... 5" Twelve biles on one man....... 49 Twice at Newport...... ........ 197 Twins ......................... 264 Twins--2 mutch ................. 462 Two dogs fiteing .............. 291 -Two facetious buzzards.......... 2" Two mortal enemys ........... 138 Two sniklers ................. 76 The wag Phool ............... 344 The washerwoman ............... 414 The weazel .................... 105 The white Pig ................ 380 The white sugar bowl .......... 161 The wheel ov Fortune ........... 564 The wodden dog ............... 85 The woodkok ................. 200 The world's taint .............. 579 The world tew cum..: . ....... 284 The wust whipped nan......... 284 The Yeller Dog ................ 110 The young eagle .............. 265 Tvndall .......... ............ .... 575 ;T. Ulysses........ ............... 1" Uncle who preached............ 429 Uncommon deceptibus ......... 548 Uncomplaining little cusses..... 162 Under a kloud ................. 579 Undress and go in ............ 424 Unhorsed mi bashfulness ....... 524 United States ov Amerika ...... 157 Unkommon pesky thing ........ 89 Usephull knowledge ........... 451 Utw .... .... ................ 427 Ve Value ova hoss.... .......... 312 Value ov injuns ........ .. 553 Various animals............. 137 Various tribes ov injuns ......... 334 Vegetable History .............. 428 Vegetable oysters ............. 33 Vegetable trinity............... 520 (' Veloss " and " pedoss"....... 458 Venerable lies ................ 60 "Verbatus ad liberating "....... 506 Very impertinent.............. 90 Vittles and clothes............I . 156 Virginity ov mi sex ............ 479 Virtews are habits............. 566 Virtuous forgetfulness .......... 525 Virtewous, gentle woman....... 486 Virtewous kouch .............. 599 Volumes for the hog........... 133 W. Walk on 5th Avenew ........ I.. 21 W all street ................... 171 Walter Roundout .... ......... 455 Ware a paper collar ............ 3" W arwick ...................... 500 Waste ov natral juice .......... 76 Watch the landldy............ 474 Watch the simptoms........... 240 Watermellon. ................. 83 Weak and wicked .............. 308 Wear green gogles ............. 405 Wears the man out............ 268 Weazles are skarse ............ 106 Webster's spellin book........ 151 Webster's unabridged .......... 203 Wedlock out west ............ 1" We had better spend ........... 550 Weight ov bosses ............. 408 Well in a monkey ............. 223 Well puckered whissell ......... 70 Wendal Phillips ............... 515 Wet nusses.................... 131 Wet nuss of prejudice... ....... 216 W et rags ................... . 461 We should be kerful ........... 222 page: xxxii (Index) [View Page xxxii (Index) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page xxxii (Index) "What a goose!". ............ 586 W. H. Borrows ................ 426 What chastity ................. 562 Whats going on! ............. 303 What 1 kno about Pharming.... 65 What Joner did .............. 489 What trumps are .............. 590 What will happen ............. 346 What woman wants ........... 284 When duz the moon change.... 119 When I waz a boy ............. 471 Which is called Skunk ......... 105 Whi iz this sutch ............... 96 Whi the flea bights ............ 495 Whi they bottle it ............. 426 White swellings ............... 526 Whiskee is one ov the tonicks... 520 Whiskee (noble whiskee) ....... 871 Whiskey and civilization....... 528 "'Whisky Horn" .............. 61 W hissling ..................... 69 Widder Betsey Stevens ......... 373 Wife bileing soap .............. 340 Wife haz authority ............. 433 Wife iz fastidious .............. 551 Wife of Jupiter ................ 543 W iggles...................... 617 Wild beasts .................. -264 Wild state ownatur ............ 191 Will take mi whisky .......... 366 Wimmins' rights bizziness ...... 2" With a hole in the bottom ...... 421 With a pickle in it .............. 3" With one hand ............... 464 Without enny gissard.......... 356 Without enny moustach........ 69 Without enny shirt............ 285 Wize az a mule ....... .... 282 Wise az a sarpent. .............. - 56 Wizdum biles her pot .......... 836 Wisdom in tight harness....... 90 Woman in her weakness ........ 162 Woman's best holt,............ 555 Women will be skarse ......... 37 Wonderful dogs ............... 97 Won't pay enny man ........... 558 Won't sute me ................ 100 Won't wash at all .............. 498 Wooddin bucket ............... 2" World wants watching ..-....... 250 Worrys the hogs .............. 8" Worthy ov all imitashun ....... 440 Writers on Natural History..... 104 W ry coffee .......... ........... 463 Wuss for being cracked ........ 447 Y. Yale College. ........... 276 Yale University ............... 574 Yankee Doodle backwards...... 343 Yarn ............. ............. 54 Yellow mice and red crows...... 5" Yelping yeller dog ............ 113 Yewker is a mollato game...... 415 You and the monkey ........... 101 You and she likes it............ 556 Young Billings ................ 478 You have a gong .............. 74 Yu hav got to diet............. 582 Yu kan hav it ................ 573 Yu kno whar it iz.............. 535 Yung grasshoppers ............ 119 Yung hedgehog .............. 226 page: Illustration-33[View Page Illustration-33]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page Illustration-33 KONTENTMrENT. CONTENTMENT is the gift ov God, as it kan be culti- vated a little, but it is bard tew acquire. Kontentment is sed to be the same az happiness, this ackounts for the small amount ov happiness laying around loose, without enny owner. I don't beleave that man was made tew be kontented, nor happy, in this world, for if he had bin, he wouldn't hav hank- ered enuff for the other world. When a man gits perfektly kontented, he and a clam are fust couzins. Contentment iz a kind ov moral laziness; if thare want ennything but kontentment in this world, man wouldn't be any more of a suckcess than an angleworm iz. When a man gits so he don't want ennything more, he iz like a rackcoon with his intestines full ov green corn.' Contentment iz one ov the instinkts, i admit it tew be hap- piness, but it iz kind ov spruce gum chawing happiness. We all find fault with Adam and Eve, for not being kon- tented, but if they had bin satisfied with the gardin ov Eden, and themselfs, they would hav been living thare now, the only two human beings on the face ov the arth, az innocent as a couple of vegetable oysters. They would hav bin two splendid specimens ov the handy work ov God, elegant portraits in the vestibule ov heaven, but they would not hav developed reazon, the only God-like attribute in man. page: 34-35[View Page 34-35]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 34-35 34 ESSAYS. When a man iz thoroly kontented, he iz either too lazy to want ennything, or too big a phool tew enjoy it. I hav lived in naberhoods whare everyboddy seemed to be kontented, but if the itch had ever broke out in them naber- hoods, the people would have skratched to this day. I am in favor of all the vanitys, and petty ambishuns, all the jealousys and backbitings in the world, not bekauze i think they am hansome, but bekanze. I think they stir up men, and wimmin, git them onto their muscle) cultivating their venom and rea- zon at the same time, and proving what a brilliant cuss man may be, at the same time that it proves what a miserable cuss he iz. I had rather see two wimmin pull hair, than tew see themtset down, thoroughly sat isfi e d with an aimless life, and never suffer eney excitement, greater r than bleeding tears together, through their noze, for a parcel of shirtless heathen on the coast ov Madagas- PERFEKTLY SATISFIED, kar, or, once in a while, open their eyes, from a dream ov young hyson contentment lea, tew sarch the allmiknak, for the next change in the moon. Contentment, in this age of the world, either means death, or dekay, in the days ov Abraham, contentment was simply ignorance. The world iz now full ov larning, the arts, and sciences, and all the thousand appliances ov reazon, these things i(-',t-^ KONTENTMENT. 35 make ignorance the exception, and no man haz a right tew cultivate contentment, enry more than he haz tew cut oph hiz thum, and set quietly down, and nuss the stub. Show me a thoroughly contented person, and i will show yu an useless one. What we want iz folks who won't be kontented, who kant be kontented, who git up in the morning, not simply to hav their bed made, but for the sake ov gitting tired; not for the sake ov nourishing kontentment, but for the sake ov'put- ting turpentine in sum ded place, and stiring up the animals. Contentment was born with Adam, and died when Adam ceased tew be an angel, and bekum a man. I don't say that a man couldn't be hatched out, and, like a young owl, set on a dri limb, awl hiz days, with hiz branes az fasst asleep az a mudturkles, and at last sneak into heaven, under the guize of kontentment, but i do say, that 10 genera- shuns ov sich men would run most of the human race into the ground, and leave the ballance az lifeless, and az base, as a currency made out ov puter ten cent pieces. I would like jist az well az the next man, tew crawl into a hole, that jist fitted mie, hed fust, and thus shutting out all the light, be contented, for i know how awfully unsothening the aims, and ambishuns ov life are, but this would only be burying mi few tallents, and sacrificing on the ded alter ov kontentment, what war given me, to make a fire or a smudge with. Thare aint no sich thing as contentment and reazon exist- ing together; thoze who slip out ov the crowd, into sum alley, and pretend they are chawing the cud of sweet kontent- ment, the verry best specimens ov them, are no better than pin cushions, stuck full. They have jist az menny longings az ennybody, they have jist az menny vices, their virtews are too often simply a mix- tur ov jealousy and cowardice. Contentment is not desighned, as a stiddy bizziness, for the sons ov man, while on this arth. ' page: 36-37[View Page 36-37]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 36-37 36 . ESSAYS. A yeller dogg, with a tin kittle tew his tale, climbing a hill, at a three minit gate iz a more reazonable spektacle for me, than a slimy snail, contented and happy. MARRIAGE. MARRIAGE iz a fair transaction on the face ov it. But thare iz quite too often put up jobs in it. It iz an old institushun, older than the pyramids, and az phull ov hyrogliphicks that noboddy kan parse. History holds its 'tounge who the pair waz who fust put on the silken harness, and promised tew work kind in it, thru thick and thin, up hill and down, and on the level, rain or shine, survive or perish, sink or swim, drown or flote. But whoever they waz they must hav made a good thing out ov it, or so menny ov their posterity would not hav har- nessed up since and drov out. Thare iz a grate moral grip in marriage; it iz the mortar that holds the soshull bricks together. But there ain't but darn few pholks who put their money in matrimony who could set down and giv a good written opinyun whi on arth they cum to did it. This iz a grate proof that it iz one ov them natral kind ov acksidents that must happen, jist az birds fly out ov the nest, when they hav feathers enuff, without being able tew tell why. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky. Sum marry for money, and--don't see it. ' Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for six'months, and then very sensibly cum tew the conclusion that pedigree ain't no better than skimmilk. Sum marry tew pleze their relashuns,and are surprized a . MARRIAGE. 37 tew learn that their relashuns don't care a cuss for them afterwards. Sum marry bekauze they hav bin highsted sum whare else; this iz a cross match, a bay and a sorrel; pride may make it endurable. Sum marry for love without a cent in their pocket, nor a friend in the world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks desperate, but it iz the strength ov the game. If marrying for love ain't a suckcess, then matrimony iz a ded beet. Sum marry bekauze they think wimmin will be skarse next year, and liv tew wonder how the crop holds out. Sum marry'tew git rid ov themselfs, and diskover that the game waz one that two could play at, and neither win. Sum marry the seckond time to git even, and find it a gam- bling game, the more they put- down, the less they take up. Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, wonder whare all the happiness on earth goes to when it dies. Sum marry, they kan't tell whi, and liv, they kan't tell how. Almoste every boddy gits married, and it iz a good joke. Sum marry in haste, and then set down and think it care- ful over. Sum think it over careful fust, and then set down and marry. Both ways are right, if they hit the mark. Sum marry rakes tew convert them. This iz a little risky, and takes a smart missionary to do it. Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm, heavily mortgaged, and working the ballance ov yure days tew clear oph the mortgages. Married life haz its chances, and this iz just what gives it its flavour.. Every body luvs tew phool with the chances, bekauze every boddy expekts tew win. But i am authorized tew state that every boddy don't win. But, after all, married life iz full az certain az the dry goods bizziness. page: 38-39[View Page 38-39]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 38-39 38 ESSAYS. - No man kan swear exackly whare he will fetch up when he touches calico. iKno man kan tell jist what calico haz made up its mind tew do next. Calico don't kno even herself. Dri goods ov all kinds iz the child ov circumstansis. Sum never marry, but this iz jist az risky, the diseaze iz the same, with no other name to it. Tihe man who stands on the bank shivvering, and dassent, iz more apt tew ketch cold, than him who pitches hiz hed fust into the river. Thare iz but phew who never marry bekauze they won't they all hanker, and most ov them starve with slices ov bread before them (spread on both sides), jist for the lack ov grit. Marry yung! iz mi motto. I hav tried it, and kno what i am talkin about. If enny boddy asks yu whi yu got married, (if it needs be), tell him, yub don't reccollekt. Marriage iz a safe way to gamble-.if yu win, yu win a pile, and if yu loze, yu don't loze enny thing, only the privi- lege ov living dismally alone, and soaking yure own feet. I repeat it, in italicks, marry young! Thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz-a second marriage. FASHON'S PRAYER. IND Fortune may thi mersys endure forever; smile thou out ov thi loving eyes upon this fine bust ov mine. Strengthen mi husband, and may hiz faith and hiz money hold out to the last. Draw the lamb's wool ov unsuspicious twilight over hiz FASHON'S PRAYER. 89 eyes, that mi flirtashuns may look to him like viktorys, and that mi bills may strengthen hiz pride in me. Bless, oh! Fortune, mi crimps, rats, and frizzles, and let thi glory shine upon mi paint and powder. When i walk out before the gaze ov vulgar man, regulate mi wiggle, and add nu grace tew mi gaiters. Bless all dri goods klerks, milliners, manty-makers and hair-frizzers, and give immortality to Lubin and hiz heirs, and assighns forever. Lead me bi the side ov colone waters, and fatten mi calves upon the bran ov thil love. Blister, oh! Fortune, with the heat ov thi wrath, the man who treds upon the trail ov my garments. Take mi two children oph from mi hands, for they bother me, and take them to be thi children, and bring them uIp to suit thiself. When i bow miself in worship, grant that i may do it with ravishing elegance, and perserve unto the last the lily- white ov mi flesh, and the taper ov mi fingers. Smile thou graciously, oh! Fortune, upon mi -nu silk dress, now in the hands of the manty-maker, and may it fit me all over like unto, as the ducks foot fitteth the mud. Destroy mine enemys with the gaul ov jealousy, and eat thou up with the teeth ov envy, all thoze who gaze at mi style. Save me from wrinkles, and foster mi plumpness. Fill both mi eyes,yoh! Fortune, with the plaintive pizon ov infatuashun, that i may lay out mi viktims, the men as knumb-images graven. Let the lily, and the roze, strive together in mi cheek, and' may mi nek swim like a goose on the buzzum ov krystal waters.- Enable me, oh Fortune, to wear shoes still a little smaller; and save me from all korns, and bunyons. Bless Fanny mi lap dog, and rain down bezom ov destruck- shun upon thoze who would hurt a hair ov Hektor mi kitten. Remove far from me all the wails of the sorrowful, and page: 40-41[View Page 40-41]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 40-41 40 ESSAYS. shield mi sensitiff natur from the klamours ov the widder. Shed the light ov thi countenance on al' intn, I c mi kammel's hair shawl, and mli neck- ' lace ov dimonds, I .do beseech thee. Enable the poor to shirk for t hem-t selfs, and save me a" beggars. I hay always ben " . a friend to thee, fore bless me for ever, and ever. THEI BIZZY BODY. I DON'T mean the industrious man, intent, and constant in the way of duty, .ut he who, like a hen, tired o0v set- ting, cums clucking opll from the nest in agrate hurry, and full ov sputter, az fat spilt on the fire; scratching a little here, and suddenly a little thare; chuck full ov small things, like a ritch cheeze; up and down the streets, wagging around evry boddy, like a lorst dorg; in and out like a long-tailed mouse; az full ov bizzness az a pissmire, just before a hard shower; more questions tew ask than a prosekuting attorney az fat with pertikulars, az an inditement for hog stealing; as knowing az a tin weathercock. This breed ov folks do a small bizznes on a big capital, they alwus know all the sekrets within ten miles, that aint worth keeping, they are a bundle of faggot fakts, and kan tell which sow in the neighborhood haz got the most pigs, and what Squire Benson got for marrying hiz last couple. THE BIZZY BODY. 5 41 All ov this iz the result ov not knowing how to uge a few brains to advantage, if they only knew a little less they would be fools, and a little more would enable them to tend a fresh lettered gideboard, with credit to themselfs, and not confusion to the travellers. The Bizzy Body iz az full ov leizure az a yearling heifer, hiz time, (nor noboddy else's) aint worth .nothing to him, he will button hole an auctioneer on the block, or a minister in the pulpit, and wouldn't hesitate tew stop a phuneral-pro- cession to ask what the corpse died of. They are az familiar with every boddy az a cockroach, but are no more use to you, az a friend, than a sucked orange. Theze bizzy people are of awl genders-maskuline, femi- nine and nuter, and sumtimes are old maids, and then are az necessary in a community as dried herbs in the garret. One bizzy old maid, who enjoys her vittles, and dont keep a lot ov tame kats for stiddy employment, is worth more than a daily paper; she iz better than the "Cook's Own Book," or a volume of household receipts, and works harder and makes more trips every day than a railroad hoss on the Third avenue cars. , The bizzybody iz generally az free from malice az a fly; Kiev? whe lilghts on you only for a roost, but iz always az unprofita- ble to know, or to hav ennything to do with, az a jewelry peddlar. Thare are' sum ov the bizzy folks who are like the hornets --never bizzy only with their stings. Theze are vipers, and are to be feared, not trifled with; but my bizzybody has no gaul in his liver; his whole karackter iz his face, and he iz as eazy to inventory az the baggage of a traveling colporter. They are a cheerful, moderately virtuous, extremely patient, modestly impudent, ginger-pop set ov vagrants, who have. got more leggs than brains, and whose really greatest sin iz not their waste ov facultys, but waste ov time. But. time, to one ov theze fellows, flies as unconscious az it duz tew a tin watch in a toyv shop window. page: 42-43[View Page 42-43]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 42-43 42 ESSAYS. They are welcomed, not bekauze they are necessary, but bekauze they aint feared, and are soon dropt, like peanut shells, on the floor. Thare iz no radikal cure for the bizzybody, no more than thare iz for the fleas in a long-haired dogg-if yu git rid ov the fleas yu hay got the dogg left, and if yu git rid ov the- dogg yu hav got the fleas left, and so, whare are you? Bizzyness and bissness are two diffrent things, altho they pronounce out loud similar. But after all i don't, want tew git shut ov the Bizzy peo- ple; they are a noosanse for a small amount, but sumboddy haz got to be a noosanse, and being aktive about nothing, and energetically lazy, iz no doubt a virtuous dodge, but iz 10 per cent better than counterfitting, or even the grand larceny bizziness. Theare iz one thing about them, they are : seldum deceitful, they trade on a floating capital, and only deal in second-hand articles; they haint got the tallent to invent, they seldum lie, bekauze their bizziness don't require it; thare iz stale truthl enuff lieing around loose for their pur- pose. Don't trust them only with what you want to have scat- . . tered, they will find a ready market for every thing that-a - i. a prudent man'would hesitate tew offer, and they always sup- . poze they are learned, for they mistake rumors, skandals, and , gossip for wisdum. :i It iz a sad sight to see a whole life being swopped off for the glory of telling what good people don't love to lear, and -what viscious ones .only value for the malice it contains. I should rather be the keeper ov a rat pit, or ketch kats for a shilling a head to feed an anaconda with. FASTIDIOUSNESS. F ASTIDIOUSNESS iz merely the ignorance ov propriety. I hav saw people who had rather die and be buried - than say bull. They wouldn't hesitate tew say mnale cow. -:-?' "OVE. 43- If the thoughts are pure and the language iz chaste, it will do tew say almoste ennything. The young lady who, a fu years ago, refused tew walk akrost a potato field, bekauze the potatoze had eyes, ran away from home, soon after- s . N .^HA. T o \ wards, w ith a jewelry wt pedlar. Fastidiousness, az a general thing iz a holy- day virteW, and i hay frelquatly n o t i s s e dt that thoze individuals who are alwus afrade they shal cum akrost sumthing hIly irprop- i er, are genlerally look- ing for it. / Fastidiousness and- delikasy are often kon- founded, but there izi this difference-t h e- truly delikate aint afrade tew take holt FASTIDIOUSNESS. ov things that they are willing tew touch at all with their naked hands, while the fastidious are willing tew take holt ov enny thing with gloves on. Delikasy iz the cocluetry ov truth; fastidiousness iz the prudery ov falsehood. "OVE. OVE iz one ov the pashuns, and the most diffikult one ov all tew deskribe. I never yet hav herd love well deiined. I hav read several deskripshuns ov it, but they were writ- page: 44-45[View Page 44-45]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 44-45 ": ESSAYS. ten by thoze who were in love, (or thought they waz), and i wouldn't beleave such testimony, not even under oath. Almoste every boddy, sum time in their life, haz bin in love, and if they think it iz an eazy sensashun tew deskribe, let them set down and deskribe it, and see if the person who listens tew the deskripshun will be satisfied with it. I waz in love once miself for 7 long years, and mi friends all sed i had a consupshun, but i knu all the time what ailed me, but couldn't deskribe it. Now all that i kan rekolekt about this luv sikness iz, that for thoze 7 long years i waz, if enny thing, rather more ov a kondem phool than ordinary. Love iz an honorabel disseaze enuff tew hav, bekauze it iz natral; but enny phellow who haz laid sik with it for 7 long years, after he gits over it, feels sumthing like the phellow who haz phell down on the ice when it iz verry wet--he dont feel like talking about it before folks. FEAR. 8U-M pholks think fear iz the result ov edukashun, but i don*. I notiss that thoze who are edukated the most, and thoze who are edukated the least, are troubled with fear just alike. Fear and courage are instinkts. A man who iz a koward iz born so, and, when he iz full ov skare, hiz hare on hiz hed will git up on end, I dont kare how mutch edukashun yu pile on top ov it. The-gratest kowards in the world are the men ov the most genius-they are the most silly kowards. One ov theze kind or men will quake with fear when a mouse knaws in the wainskote at night, but they will-face an earthquake next day with composure. I dont kno ov a more terrible sensashun than fear; it iz deth when it exhausts itself and ends in despair. -, :' BUTY. 45 I am a grate koward miself, and beleave i waz born so, and yet thare is nothing which i despize so mutch as kowardice. I would give all the other virtews i hav got (provided i hav got enny), and throw in a hundred dollars in munny besides, for an unlimited supply ov courage. I would like tew hav courage enuff tew face the devil him- self, if he waz the least bit sassy tew to me. I am satisfied that courage iz an instinkt, for i notiss all the animal kreashun hav it well defined. BUTY. BUTY iz a very handy thing tew hav, espeshily for a woman who aint hansum. Thare iz not mutch ov enny thing more diffikult teW define 'than buty. It iz a blessed thing that there ain't no rules for it, for the way it iz now, every man gits a hansum woman for a wife. Thare iz grate power in female buty; its viktorys reach klear from the Garden ov Eden down to yesterday. Adam waz the fust man that saw a butiful woman, and waz the fust man tew acknowledge it. But beauty in itself iz but a very short-lived viktory-a mere perspektive to the background. Thare aint noboddy but a butterfly kan liv on buty, and git phatt. When buty and good sense jine each other, yu hav got a mixtur that will stand both wet and dry weather. I hav never seen a woman with good sense but what had buty enuff tew make herself hily agreeable; but i hav seen 3 or 4 wimmin in mi day who hadn't sense enuff tew make a good deal ov buty the least bit charming. But, az i sed before, thare ain't no posatiff rule for buty, and i am dredful glad ov it, for every boddy would be after page: 46-47[View Page 46-47]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 46-47 " sESSAYS. . that rule, and sumboddy wouldn't git enny rule, besides run- aing a grate risk ov gitting jammed in the rush. Man buty iz a awful weak komplaint-it iz wuss, if possi- - : ble, than the nosegay disseaze. If there iz sitch a thing az a butiful man on earth, he haz mi simpathy. Even mithology had but one Adonis, and the . only accomplishment he had waz tew blatt like a lamb. FAITH. 'AITI iz the rite bower ov Hope. 1 If it want for faith, thare would be no living in this world. We couldn't even eat hash with enny safety, if it want for faith. !?, Human knowledge'is very short, and don't reach but a little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite; but faith lengthens out the road, and makes it light, so that we kan see tew read the letterings on the mile stuns. J\ Faith haz won more viktorys than all the other pashuns or r sentiments ov the heart and hed put together. Faith iz one ov them warriors who dont kno when she iz whipped. But Faith iz no milksop, but a live fighter. She dont set down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes; but she iz the heroine ov forlorn Hope-she feathers her arrows with reazon, and fires rite at the bull's eye ov fate. I think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attri- butes, i would take it all in faith-red hot faith Hmean; and tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung the various dri bones thare iz laying around loose in this world. BRANES. 47 BRANES. B RANES are a sort ov animal pulp, and by common konsent are suppozed tew 'be the medium ov thought. How enny boddy knows that the branes do the thinking, or are the interpreters ov thought, iz more than i kan tell; and, for what i kno, this theory may be one ov thoze remark- able diskoverys ov man which aint so. Theze subjeks are tew mutch for a man ov mi learning tew lift. i kant prove any ov them, and i hav too mutch venera- shun tew guess at them. Branes are generally supozed tew be lokated in the hed, but investigashun satisfys me that they are planted all over the boddy. I find that a dansing master's are situated in hiz heels and toze, while a fiddler's all center in hiz elbows. Sum people's branes seem tew be placed in their hands and fingers, which explains their grate genius for taking things which they kan reach. I hav seen cases whare all the branes seemed tew kongre- gate in the tounge; and once in a grate while they inhabit the ears, and then we hav a good listener, but theze are sel- duin cases. Sum times the branes ain't enny whare in partikular, but all over the boddy in a minnit. These fellows, are like a pissmire just before a hard shower, in a big hurry, and alwus trieing tew go 4 different ways tew once. Thare seems tew be kases whare thare aint enny branes at all, but this iz a mistake. i thought i had cum akrost one ov theze kind once, but after watching the pashunt for an hour, and see him drink 5 horns ov poor whiskey during the time, i had no trouble in telling whare hiz branes all lay. I hay finally cuin tew the konclushun that branes, or sum thing else that iz good tew think with, are excellent tew hav; but yu want tew keep yure eye on them, and not let them phool away their time, nor yures neither. page: 48-49[View Page 48-49]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 48-49 48 - ESSAYS. ::Yf SPRING AND BILES. Spring came this year az mutch az usual, hail butuous vir- ; ^ gin 5000 years old and upwards,hale and harty old gal, wel- cum tew York State, and parts adjacent! v Now the birds jaw, now the cattle holler, now the pigs skream, now the geese warble, now the kats sigh, and natur is frisky, the earnest pissmire, the virtuous bed-bug, and the nobby cockroach, are singing Yankee Doodle, and " coming !3: thru the rhi." Now may be seen the muskeeter, that gray '! g outlined critter ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his last year's bill, and may now be heard, with the naked ear, the hoarse shanghigh, bawling in the barnyard. Kittens in the doorway, the pupys on the green, neighbor chats, with neighbor, and the languid urchin creeps listless : ^ toward the school. These things are all fust rate in their place, [ .: but spring brings pesky biles, and plants them carelessly, i sometimes among the maiden's charms, and sometimes among ;.: the young men's. I kan tork like a preshure poet about biles, :r just now, for i have one in full bloom growing on me, almost reddy to pick, az big az an eggplant, and az full ov. anguish az ti/g a broken heart. Biles are the sorest things ov their size on reckord, and az. i.. kross tew the touch az a setting hen, or a dog with a fresh bone. !e : Biles alwus pick out the handyest place on youre bOddy tew .1: bild their nest, and if you undertake tew brake them up, it -: only makes them mad, and takes them longer tew hatch out. : X Thare aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving them away. They are like an impudent bed bug, they won't move till they hav got their fill. Biles are az old az religion. Job, the proffit, waz the first d champion ov biles, and he iz currently reported tew hav more biles, and more pashunce, to the square inch, than enny one, two very rare things to be found, in enny man. Biles and pashunce! i should as soon think ov mixing courting and muskeeters together, for luxury. SPRING AND BLISS. 49 I hav got a grate deal more faith than i hav pashunce, but i hain't got enough faith in biles. i wouldn't trust a bile, even on one ov mi boots. I think faith iz a better artikle than pashunce. Faith sum- times iz an evidence ov brains, and pashunce quite often iz only numbness, but i don't thinkin these smoothe shod times it iz best to have too mutch capital invested in either ov them. But i am out ov the road. i must git back onto biles agin. If a fellow begins tew wander, and git out ov the straight and narrow path, it is curious how quick he will begin to go to the . Biles are very sassy; sumtimes when yer go to set down, they will get between yer and the chair; this iz one, evidence ov their ill-breeding, and i had one once plant her. self on the frunt end of mi nose, which was a most remarkabel piece ov bad manners, for there iz noroom on mi noze enny. where fora bile, for when it iz even ebb tide with mi noze, it covers half ov mi face. Biles are sed tew be helthy, and i guess they am, for i hav seen sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornet's nest, and az full ov stings. I always want to be helthy--i am willing tew pay the highest market price for a good deal ov helthy-but if i had to hav 2 biles on me, awl the time, in order to be helthy, i should think that i was bulling the mar. ket. There iz one more smart thing about biles; they are like twins; they hardly ever cum singly, and i hav known them to throw double sixes. What! twelve biles on one mall at a time! This is wus than fighting bumblebees with your summer clothes on. Biles are sed, by the edukated and correkt spellers ov the land,. to be an operashun ov natur tew git rid ov sumthing which she wants to spare. This is so without doubt, but it don't strike me az being a very polite thing in natur, tew shov oph her. biles onto other folks. I say, let evry boddy take care or their own biles.' But say aul yer kan about biles, call them all the mean, 4: page: 50-51[View Page 50-51]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 50-51 S50 ESSAYS. names current amung fishmungers, revile and persecute, and spit on them, groan, ! grin and swear when t they visit yer, hit them over the head and set ' (on them if yer pleaze, there iz a time in their i : nights and. nervoucareer when they con.- h.;b centrate aul the pathos or joy that a Man haz - i biist that in--when they co: inventedfortaz innocent and az : This i biss, glor ye fretful nights an eoaand revenge onwhile the bile az been hatc shing. Exit Bmanleans IWOTLD m ist like to kno who the man waz who fust inventebac in retified ocor ot He m t hav bin a narrowt and kontrakted kuss. joying grate agony ov su kinmermaid. I hav bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but gener- ally fretfcoul nighms anagd nervous days while them average; butile hare iz been sichatchaki ng a pair of tite boots average.' inve who kan wear tte boots ts, and be hum If he a still ives, i hope he ha repented ov hi sine literature, ill makjoying grate agonod husba m kind. .' ble, and penitenit, and not indulge profane literature, wili make a good hzusband. . TIGHT BOOTS. 5 Oh! for the pen ov departed Win. Shakspear, to write an anethema aginst tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous ' ockashun. Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the tite boots ov creashun, and skatter them tew the 8 winds ov heaven. Oh! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a bigg foot look han- sum without a tite boot on it. Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfull. Oh! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a moun- tain. I have been led into the above assortment ov Oh's.! from having in my posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number nine boots, with a pair ov number eleven feet in them. Mi feet are az uneazy az a dog's noze the fust time he wears a muzzle. I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth. I liv in hopes they will. I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in this way, but i hav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs more than a pound ov reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes a bigg foot for a small one. Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you would the grip of the devil; for menny a man haz caught for life a fust rate. habit for swareing bi encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots. I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times dur- ing mi checkured life, that they never should be strangled aginl, but i find them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk ake from a suddin attak ov tite boots. But this iz solemly the last pair ov tite boots i will ever awear; i will hereafter wear boots az bigg az- mi feet, if i have to go barefoot to do it. I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more. page: 52-53[View Page 52-53]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 52-53 5 ESSAYS. s Eazy boots iz one of the luxurys ov life, but i forgit what A3g: the other luxury iz, but i don't kno az i care, provided i kan git rid ov this pair ov tite boots. . Enny man kan hav them for seven dollars, just half what they kost, and if they don't make his feet ake wuss than an angle worm-in hot ashes, he needn't pay for them. A: Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kall to mind now who could hav afforded to hav wore tife boots, and enjoyed them, he had a grate deal ov waste time tew be miserable in, :.. but life now days, iz too short, and too full ov aktual bizzness to phool away enny ov it on tite boots. Ii Tite boots are an insult to enny man's understanding. iHe who wears tite boots will hav too acknowledge the corn. e Tite boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wrath, '. and promiskious cussing. -' :: Beware ov tite boots. ; THE LAM AND THAE DOVE. . THE lam iz a juvenile sheep. They are born about the fust ov March, and menny ov them die just az soon az green peas cum. Lam and green peas are good, but not good for the lam. Lam are innosent az shrimps, they won't bight, nor skratch, nor talk sassy. They don't kno mutch, only to skip, turn summersets on the grass, kik up their heels, pla tag, plauge their mothers and hav phun generally. I luv the lam, i even luv them after they bekum mutton, i luv lams ov all kinds, i had rather hav one lam than 4 wolfs. This may look like oddness. in me, but it iz mi sentiments enny how. Mary had a little lam. I wish i had a little lam, and if i had a good deal ov lam it wouldn't diskourage me. 1J*i - - THE LAM AND THE DUV. 53 Mary waz a good girl-an ornament tew her sekt. Mary's lam waz a good lamn-an ornament tew hiz or her sekt, i don't remember which. It iz plezant tew reflekt that theze things are stubborn fakts. When a lam gits thru being a lam, they immejiately bekum a sheep. This takes all the sentiment out ov them. There ain't mutch poetry in mutton. Sheep are mutton. Mutton iz sumtimes prekarious. When youth and innosense ov enny kind groze old, it loozes most all ov its. lamness. This fakt iz too well known tew require an affldavid. The lainm iz an artikle ov trade, az well as diet, they are wuth from four tew 10 dollars, ackording tew the way things am. It iz strange that so mutch innosense az the lam iz possessed v ov should be for sale. It iz jiss so with most all the innosense and purity in this world-it iz too often brought to the shambles. I suppoze if i could hav mi way, the lam would stop grow- ing when he got to be about 8 weeks old; but then, cum tew think ov it, this would' make mutton awful skarse. It would also make lams dredful plenty. It would also inkrease wolfs much, for i hav alwus notissed since i begun bizzness in this world that just in perposhua az lams got numerous, wolfs got numerous ackordin. The lam haz a short tail. Their tails are not short bi na- tur, but short bi desighn. During their early lamkinness, in an unsuspekting moment, and quicker than litening, their dorsal elongashun iz nipt in the bud. Not to be mistaken in this matter, and tew plase the re- sponsibility jist whare it belongs, lam's tails are kut oph bi man. This iz a mean thing for man to do; but man iz capable ov doing dredful mean things, jist bekauze he iz a man. page: 54-55[View Page 54-55]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 54-55 54 ESSAYS. ! Man aint satisfied tew leave ennything in this world az he phinds it. :H Lams are ov the mail and femail perswashun. , Thare are none ov 1 "OVE the animals, that i now, that are ov the I hav often seen oon ey hav horns out ov their nuter theze orns are a hard thing thew kontradicket. I a seen an aged mail lam knock a -hosswn waggon into splinters with one lo ov their horns. out -' to 'you. Tle mail lam when he arrives at hiz majority iz called a ram iv -The lamn iz kivered from cildhood with a softe coating t l There iz a grate deal o yarn sp in tis orld tat haz senno wool in it; tseeze yarns are called nd buty 77R k';, nown to natralists. eds, and wlen they git advanced in the journey ov life, I bav seen an aged mail lam' knocfte a -hose waegn into splinters mith one blo ov their horns. This i, terrible if true. The mail lam when he arrives at hiz majority iz called a ram. The lamn iz kivvered from chldhood with a softs coating called wool, from'whitch cloth iz sed to be made, and also from no W,01 in it; theze yarns are called phi nms. THE DUV. 55 Phibs are not konsidered feroshus. A phib iz a lie painted in water kullers. Thare haz been more phibs in market since the formashun ov man than thare haz been truth. Phibs are often ingenious, sometimes quite pretty, but are alwus dangerous. Phibs are sumtimes a grate deal more plauzable than truth. Look out for them. Phibbers hav been known tew bekum liars, just az hot lem- onade drinkers, with a leetle port wine in it just for effekt, hav been known tew bekum our most reliable whiskee drinkers. THE DUV: HE duv iz the lam amung birds. They are az harmless az a dandy lion. They don't do enny hard work, but eat oats and bill and COO. They luv each other like a nu married kupple. The duv alwus hav a good appetight; they will eat from dalite tew dark and seem tew be sorry they didn't eat sum more. They are a long lived burd, and like the bumble bee, are the biggest when they are born. I never knu a duv tew la down, and di ov old age. They are very thrifty, they will inkrease phaster than the multiplikashun table. They are like the meazles, if yu hav them at all, yu hav got tew hav a good menny ov them. The duv haz existed a long time, and was one ov Noallhs pets, when he sailed. The fust duv he sent out ov the ark. brought bak an olive, page: 56-57[View Page 56-57]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 56-57 56 ESSAYS. branch, and the next time he sent her out, she didn't bring bak enny thing. She even forgot tew cum bak herself. Noah had but one pair ov each breed ov duvs in the ark, and the one he sent out, and, the one he had on hand, must hav found each other, this explains the lov, and effekshun, ov the duv. The duv iz more ornamental than useful. They are too inosent tew be very useful. Sumtimes too mutch inosense interferes with bizzness. I hav known haff a dozen duvs tew git into a pie together, and make themselves useful for a fu minnitts. I don't hate duv pies. The duv hav alwuss been a kard tew define inosense. The bible tells us, "to be az wize az a sarpent, but harmless as a duv." This iz fust rate advice, but it means live bizzness. Enny boddy who iz az wise az a sarpent, kan afford tew be az harmless az a duv. The rite mixtur ov- duv and sarpient in a man's natur iz a good dose. If a man haz got too much snaik in him, he iz liable tew overdo things, and if he haz got too mutch duv in him, he aint apt tew cook things enuff. The duv iz a homemade kritter; they are as effeckshionate as a cockroach iz. The nearer they kan liv tew whare man duz, the more they are apt tew do it. Lams and duvs hav a grate menny weak points; but i wouldn't like enny better phun than tew liv whar thare want ennything else but duvs and lams. But this place aint laid down on enny of the maps in this world. Hawks and wolfs hav made the duv and lam trade dredful unsartin. I guess, after all, that the evil things in tiis life help tew make the good things more desirable, and all things that are natral must be right, be they lam, duv, wolf or sarpient. : !' THE OLD BACHELOR. 57 THE OLD BACHELOR. A CHRONICK old bachelor iz invaribly ov the nuter gender, i don't care how mutch he may offer tew bet that it ain't so. They are like dried apples on a string, want a good deal ov soaking before they will do to use. I suppose thare iz sum ov them who hav a good excuse for their nuterness; menny ov them are too stingy tew marry; this iz one ov the best excuses i kno ov, for a stingy man ain't fit to hav a nice woman. Sum old bachelors gits after a flirt, and kan't travel az fast az she duz, and then konklude all the female group are hard. tow ketch, and good for nothing when they. are ketched. A flirt iz a tuff thing to overhaul, unless the right dog gits after her, and they are the eazyest ov all tew ketch, and often make the best ov wives. When a flirt really falls in love, she iz az powerless az a mown daizy. Her impudence then changes into modesty, her cunning in. to fear, her spurs into a halter, and her pruning-hook into a cradle. The best way to ketch a flirt iz to travel the other way from which they are going, or set down on the grass and whissell sum lively tune till the flirt cums round. Old bachelors make the flirts, and then the flirts git more than even, by making the old bachelors. A majority ov the flirts get married finally, for they have a grate quantity ov the most dainty titbits ov woman's natur, and alwus hav shrewdness tew back up their sweetness. Flirts don't deal in poetry and water grewel; they hav got tew hav brains, or else sumboddy would trade them out ov their capital at the fust swop. Thare iz sich a thing (i hav bin told bi thoze who know sum more ov theze things than i do,) az old bachelors being man- ufackterd out ov dissapointed love. This iz a good deal az sensible, az a man's staying out in page: 58-59[View Page 58-59]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 58-59 58 ESSAYS. the cold all night, on the wrong side ov a river, bekauze he haz made up hiz mind tew ford it, in jist sich 'a place whare he knows the water iz over liz hed, when if he would go a little further up or down the creek, he would find the cross- ! ing easy, and a sweet little critter, with outstretched hands to beckon him acrost. Dissapointed luv must-ov course be all on one side, and; this ain't enny more excuse for being an old bachelor than it iz for a man tew quit all kind ov manual labor, jist out ov spite, and jine a poor house, bekauze he kant lift a ton at one v pop. * - Old bachelors, others tell us, are made so bekauze they - fear the burden ov a family. This would be a good excuse if there waz enny truth in it; d ,the fackt iz, if such men had a family, they would be the grasshoppers themselfs that the bible speaks ov, as weighing I so mutch to the pound. , An old bachelor will brag about hiz freedum to you, hiz relief fromn anxiety, hiz independance. This iz a dead beat X past ressurrection, for evryboddy knows there ain't a more anxious dupe on earth than he iz. All hiz dreams are char- cole sketches, ov boarding-school misses he dresses, greases , hiz hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates bunyons and . . corns, tew pleese hiz captains, the wimmin, and only gits laffed at for hiz pains. I tried being an old bachelor till i waz about twenty years a old, and cum very near dieing a dozen times. I had more sharp pain in one year than i have had since, put it all in a a heap; i waz in a lively fever all the time. If a man haint got eninything in hiz natur but vanity and self-love, he iz very apt tew want to be an old bachelor, and generally makes a good specimen ov the critters; but what more disgusting traits can a man have than these?-and thare iz no stronger argument in favor ov gitting married than the fackt that thare aint nothing that will kure theze komplaints so thoroly az a wife and fifteen or twenty babes. There iz only one person who haz inhabited this world thus i - t. HORNS. 59 far, that i think could hav bin an old bachelor and done the subjekt justiss, and he waz Adam; but since Adam saw fit to open the ball, i hold it iz every man's duty to selekt a part- ner, and keep the dance hot. : HORNS. IN writing the biographi ov horns, i am astonished tew' find so menny ov them, and so entirely different in their pedigree and pretenshuns. a Cape tIorn."-Cape Horn iz the biggest horn known to man. It iz a native ov the extreme bottom ov South Amerika, and gores the oshun. Cape Horn iz hollow, and akts az a phunnell for the winds, which hurry thru it in mutch haste, cauzing the waters ov the sea for a grate distance tew bekum crazy, which frightens the vessells that go by thare, and makes them rare and pitch tremenjus. This horn iz like a sour old bull in the hiway, and dont seem tewe be ov enny use, only tew make folks go out ov their way tew git round it. "Horn ov a dilemma."-Dilemma iz derived from the siamese verb "diloss" which means a tite spot, and haz a horn on each end ov it. Thare iz no choice in theze two horns; if yu seize one ov them the other may perforate yu, and if yu dont take either both of them may pitch into you. I always avoid them if possible, but when possibility gives out, mi /rule iz tew shut up both eyes, and fite both prongs with mi whole grit. Nine times out ov ten this will smash a dilemma, and it iz alwus a good fite if yu git licked the tenth. Yu kant argy or reason with the horn ov a dilemma, the only way iz tew advance in and fight for the gross amount. ( Cow's forn."-- Two bony projeckshuns, curved, crooked page: 60-61[View Page 60-61]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 60-61 60 ESSAYS. ' or strate, worn bi the cows on the apeks of their heds, for ornament in times ov peace; and used when they go into war ! tew stab with. Theze horns are a kind ov family rechord. S At three years old a ring appears on the bottom ov the / horn next tew the bed, and each year after a fresh ring iz born. In this way the cows kno how old they are. . Sumtimes theze rings fill up the whole horn and grow off onto the adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but this only : happens tew very old COWS. I never knu it tew ? happen in mi life, and : I dont think it ever lidL -iti z one ov thei*n venerable lies that are handed down from father to son, just tew ; keep the stock ov lies i chew tobacco, i ASg awaz told that butter cum from the cow's found out that this iz! another cussed old, lie. This lieing tew children iz no evidence ov genius, and iz sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nature tew covet what aint undoubtedly so. "Dinner-Iorn.-This is the oldest, and most sakred horn thare iz. ,It iz set tew musik, and plays "Hlolne, Sweet H-Iome" about noon. It has bin listened tew, with more rapturous delite, than ever' Graffula's band haz. Yu kan lhear it further th an one ov Mr. Rodman's guns. It covet what -in udoutdys. ! "2)inner-torm"--This is the oldest, and most sakred horn '3 { HORNS. 61 will arrest a man and bring him in quicker than a sheriffs warrent. It kan outfoot enny other noize. It kauzes the deaf tew hear, and the dum tew shout for joy. Glorious old instrument! long may yure lungs last! "-am's t1orn."--A spiral root, that emerges suddenly from the figure bed ov the maskuline sheep, and ramafies mntill it reaches a tip end. Ram's horns are alwus a sure sighn ov battle. They are used tew butt with, but with out. enny respekt to persons. They will attak a stun wall, or a deakon or an established church. A story iz told ov old deakon Fletcher ov Konnektikutt State, who waz digging post holes in a ram pasture on hiz farm, and the moshun ov hiz boddy waz looked upon, by the old ram, who fed in the lot. az a banter for a fight. Without arrangeing enny terms for the fight, the ram went incontinently for the deakon, and took him, the fist shot, on the blind side ov hiz boddy, jist about the meridian. The blow transposed the deakon sum eighteen feet, with a heels-over-hed moshun. Exhasperated tew a point, at least ten foot beyond endurance, the deakon jumped up, and skreamed his whole voice * ' ' "yu darned-old cuss," and then all at once remembering that he waz a good, piuz deakon, he apologized by saying-- "t lat iz, if I may be allowed the expresshkun." The deakon haz mi entire simpathy for the remarks made tew the ram. "WhAisky torn."-This horn varys in length, but from three to six inches iz the favorite size. It iz different from other horns, being ov a fluid natur. It iz really more pugnashus than the ram's horn; six inches ov it will knok a man perfekly calm. When it knoks a man down it holds him thare. It iz either the principal or'the sekond in most all the iniquity that iz travelling around. It makes brutes of men, demons of wim'nin and vagrants of children. It haz drawn more tears, broken more hearts and blited page: 62-63[View Page 62-63]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 62-63 62 ESSAYS. more hopes than all the other agencys of the devil put together. - ' Torn Comb."-This simple little unsophistikated instru- ! ment haz beheaded countless legions ov innocent children. I don't mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but that it H haz cut its way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their skalps. " It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good ! appetite. - * , t g It iz always az ready for a job az a village lawyer, and iz . az thorough az a sarch warrent. , It iz an emblem of faith and neatness. : When it gits old and looses its teeth it should be cherished, ? hung up and labeled, "Well done old mouser." I always look upon an old and worn out horn tooth comb v with a species ov venerashun, bordering on melankolly. It reminds me ov mi boyhood, aud the boyish things that waz l running through mi head in thoze days ov simplicity and innocence. ' i Thare iz a grate menny other kinds ov horns, but I haint : got the time to tell yu all about them now. Thare iz the e "Powder Itorn," the "Horn ov the Bull Head," and the M "Iorn ov Plenty;" and there iz also "Horn Tooke," a celebrated writer ov hiz day; but good-by for the present. KISSING. ' I HAV written essays on kissing before this one, and they didn't satisfy me, nor dew I think this one will, for the more a man undertakes tew tell about a kiss, the more he will reduce his ignorance tew a science. Yu kant analize a kiss enny more than yu kan the breath ov a flower. Yu kant tell what makes a kiss taste so good enny more than yu kan a peach. Enny man who kan set down, whare it is cool, and tell how KISSING. 63 a kiss tastes, haint got enny more real flavor tew his mouth than a knot hole haz. Such a phellow wouldn't hesitate tew deslkribe Paridise as a fust rate place for gardin sass. The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then st; down, awl alone, out ov the draft, and smack yure lips. If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking another one, how on arth kan you define it tew the-next man. I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz in a kiss, and they really seemed tew think they knew all about it, but these are the same kind ov folks who perspire and kry when they read poetry, and they fall to writing sum ov their own, and think they hav found out how. I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional kissing, that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a humming bird tew her roost. I am not talking about your lazy, milk and molasses kissing, that daubs the face- ov enny body, nor yure savage bite,- that goes around, like a roaring lion, in search ov sumthing to eat. Kissing an unwilling pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az robbin a bird's nest, and kissing too willing ones iz about az unfragant a recreation, az making boquets out, ov dan/de- lions. The kind ov kissing that I am talking about iz the kind that must do it, or spile. If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the au thor ov the first kiss; kissing, like mutch other good things, iz anonymous. But thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language without words, sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much honey, and so little water, so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a mode of striking up an acquaintance, that i consider it a good purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust kiss. Who kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew a finer thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in thle garden of Eden. Adam wan't the man, i don't beleave, tew pass sich a hand. page: 64 (Illustration) [View Page 64 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 64 (Illustration) " ESSAYS. g I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan i date kissing further back, i would like tew see them do it. I don't know whether the old stoick philosophers ever, kist A enriy boddy or not, if they did, they probably did it, like drawing a theorem on a black board, more for the purpose of g proving sumthing else. Y X I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage : adulturated, it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew stand still, and see kissing did, and not say a word, that haint H got enny more novelty, nor meaning in it, than throwing / stones tew a mark. I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov : ' Union square, 5 times in less than 10 minnitts; they kist every ti A time they bid each other farewell, and then immediately : thought ov sumthing else they hadn't sed. I couldn't tell for the life ov me whether the kissing waz the effekt ov what they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the kissing. It [- waz a which, and tother, scene. -j Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the game. It iz trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two Ad females kissing each other; but i don't think thare iz much I:?/ pardon for it, unless it iz done to keep tools in order; and d two men kissing each other iz prima face evidence ov dead- X beatery. Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin, seems to be az necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with; M and kissing that hussbands give and take iz simply gathering ripe fruit from ones own plumb tree, that would otherwise : drop oph, or be stolen. Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner that mi remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz ::X only tew be had once in a phellow's life, in the original pack- age, and that iz when . . . - M Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best not tew finish the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no person ov a good edukashun, and decent memory, but what kan reckolekt the time which i refer to, without enny ov mi X help. C ONNUBIAL BLISS. Scene lst. -A lite breeze in the Parlor. , " , ,. . N I . - - I-- "t1--- 'l Scene, 2d.--A spanking breeze in he Nursery. (64) page: -65[View Page -65]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -65 WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMNG. 65 "'WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMNG." T5 THAT i kno about pharmin, iz kussid little. MV V bii buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with ,the abuv name, and altho i haven't had time tew peerose it yet, i don't hesitate tew pronounse it bully. Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and thare- fore it aint astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, and be a good chancery lawyer, and also kno all about pharm- ing. A pharm,(now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse more bukwheat, and pumkins, run on the- ory, than it would 60 , years ago, run with si X manure, and hard - knolks. Thare if nothing like book larning, and the time will evventuallye librar" cmIf i when a phan, won't han tew hav onlymean, benighted, one ov CC Josh B2illing's to run a farm, or aprns kamp meeting with. Even now it aint unkommon, tew see! three, or four, hired men, on a farm, with three, or four, spans ov BLOWING, oxen, all standing still, while the boss goes - into. the library; and reads himself up for the days" ploughing.. If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i. suppoze i- would rather hav 36 bushels, ov sum. nu breed or' potatozej raized on theory, than tew hay 84: bushels, got in themean; benighted, and underhanded way,. ev enr'ate:lamented. grand' parents. page: 66-67[View Page 66-67]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 66-67 " ESSAYS. . , Pharmin, aftei all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, ? ennyboddy thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,) and . tley kan, but this iz the way that poor hotels cum tew be so : plenty, and this iz likewize what makes pharmin such eazy, and proffitable bizzness. Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint noth- } ing left, but hard work, and all fired lite krops. J When i see so mutch. pholks, rushing into theory pharming, i az thare iz, (now daze) and so ienny ov them rushing out agin, i think ov that remarkable piece ov skriptur, which ! remarks, " menny are called, but few are chosen." I onst took a pharn, on shares miself, and run -her on sum theorys, and the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, phurnished all the seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, : out of 12, for mi share ov the proffits, and the other phlellow, paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz share. By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the. : year. S -What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and i feel it mi duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that if they ever expekt me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn't f start me in the theoretikal pharmin employ. If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, the less theory he lays in the better, and he must do pretty mutch all the work hisself, and support hiz family on what lie kant sell, ail go ragged enuff all the time tew hunt bees. I kno ov m6nny farmers, who are so afflikted with super- stishun, that they wont plant a single bean, only in the last quarter of the moon, and i kno ov others so pregnant with science, that they wont set a gate, post, until they hav had the ground analized, bi sum professor ov anatomy, tew see if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for post- loles. This iz what i call running science into the ground. The fakt .ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, except in praktiss; they are too often designed tew do the work ov praktiss. WHAT I KNOW ABOUT PHARMNG. - 67 Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go' at him, with a klub in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, and brake him, just as yu would split a log. What i kno about pharming, aint wuth match enny how, but I undertook teu brake a kicking heifer- once. I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direk- shuns cluss, and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits. I then sot down; and thoughthoeatihing over. I made up mi mind that the phellow who wrote the treat- iss waz more in the treatiss bizzness than he waz in the kick- ing heifer trade. I cum tew the konklushun that what he knu about milking kiking heifers, he had larnt by leaning over a barn yard fence, and writing the thing up. I' got up from tny reflekshuns strengthened, and went for that heifer. I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things i did, but i went in to win, and won. That heifer never bekum a cow. This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man haz studdyed all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and tried them on, he will fall back onto mi plan, and make up hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer iz wuth more for beef than she iz for theoretick milk. I hav worked on a pharm just long enuff tew kno that thare iz no prayers so good for poor land az manure, and no theory kan beat twelve hours each day, (sundaze excepted) of honest labour applied tew the sile. I am an old phashioned phellow, and hartily hate most nu things, bekauze i hav bin beat bi them so often. I never knu a pharm that waz worked pretty mutch by the- ory, but what waz for sale, or to let, in a fu years, and i never knu a pharm that waz worked by manure, and muscle, on the good old ignorant way ov our ansestors, but what waz handed -down, from father to son, and alwus waz noted for razing brawny armed boys, and buxom lasses, and fust rate potatoze. What i kno about pharmin, iz nothing but experiense, and experiense, (now daze,) aint wuth a kuss. page: 68-69[View Page 68-69]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 68-69 68 ESSAYS. I had rather hav a good looking theory, tew ketch flats with, than the experiense even ov Methuseler. Experiense iz a good thing tew lay down and die with, but yn kant do no big bizzness with it, (now daze,) it aint hot enuff. Giv me a red hot humbug, and i kan make most ov the experiense, in this world ashamed ov itself. QUESTIONS -AND ANSWEES. QU.-Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, limp-legged and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated ! harniss and waited upon by a spruce postillion, and a liveryed ! coachman? Ans.-Yes i hav, and i hay seen old age put on pomposity, g hobble in brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and 1 grin with pain, and i hav sed tew myself " poor old hoss." i Qu.--Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise- men say that life waz short, that deth waz certain, that happiness waz I skase? - i Ans.-I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never herd a bizzy man find enny fault with the length of life, nor i a pure one regret that deth waz a sure thing, nor a vartuous one konplain about the high price of happiness. Qu.-Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the falsity ov man, the grate risk thare waz in having one, the 'bliss thare waz in being boss ov one's self? Ans.-It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt ax tho the old virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was saying it. Qu.-Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite sirkles, who didn't hav a ritch daddy, or who hadn't bored suckcessfully for ile himself? Ans.--If we hear ov enny sutch opening we will telegraff . yuat once, but jist now, the way things are run, a man with seedy garments on would even git kicked out ov a fust klass meeting house, and be put under 10 thousand dollar bonds WHSSLING. 69 tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but virtewous individual, would be tew take hiz virtew under hiz arm, keep shady, and let the polite sirkles. chew each other. Qu.--Kan a young man without enny mustash git a sitpa- tion in Nu York Sitty? Ans.-Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. Yung men without enny mustash are looked upon with sus- picion, and yu will find, if yu puat tm under oath, that they either haint got enny lng but cimon sense, or they are too stingy to buy a bottle ov "Bolivards's oil ov seduktion," warrented tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip. Qu.-Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been invented yet to bring up a boy? Ans.-Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is a recipee that i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the rod and a gin mill. Qu.-Iz thare ennv kure for natral laziness, whare it iz- a part ov a man's constitushun and bye laws? Ans.-Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and subsist on the milk. Qu.-EHow fast duz sound travel? Ans.-This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the noize yu are talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for instance travels a half a mile in a seckond, while an invita- shun tew git up in the morning I hav known to be 3 quarters ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs. and then not- hav strength enuff left tew be heard. WHSSLING. HAV spent a grate deal ov sarching, and sum money, tew find out who waz the first whissler, but up tew now i am just az mutch uncivilized on the subjekt az i waz. I kan tell who played on the first juice harp, and who beat s. the fust tin pan, and i kno the year the harp ov a thousand- page: 70-71[View Page 70-71]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 70-71 70 ESSAYS. I strings waz diskovered in, but when whissling waz an infant, iz az hard for me tew say, az mi prayers in lo dutch. Whissling iz a wind instrument, and iz did puckring up the mouth, and blowing through the hole. sharpF ep rThare aint no tune on the whole earth t but what kan be played on this instru- ment, and that sele- b u brated old tune, ,Yankeedoodle haz bin almost whissled tew 8 game ov kardq. ,1deth. Grate thinkers are .ti not apt tew be good az aknointelmaeprwhsslers , in fa k t, waIsSLIG. think ov noth i n g : then he begins tew whissell. We seldom see a raskal who iz :: a good whissler, thare iz a grate deal ov honor bright, in a, sharp, well puckered w hissell,. Good whisslers are gitting skarse, 75 years ago they waz plenty, but the desire tew git ritch, or tew hold offiss, haz took the pucker(out ov this honest, and cheerful amuzement. If i had a boy, who couldn't whissell, i don't want tew be : understood, thati should feel atliberty, tew giv the boy up for lost buti would mutch rather he would kno how tew whissell flust rate, than to kno how tew play a seckond rate ? game ov kards. I wouldn't force a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natpal inclinashun. Wimmin az a kind, or in the lump, are poor whizzlers, i don't kno how i founld this out, but i am glad ov it, it izia good deal like crowing in a hen. I WHSSLING. 71 Crowing iz an unladylike thing in a hen tew do. I hav often heard hens tri tew cro, but i never knu one tew do herself justiss. A rooster kani krow well, and a hen kan kluk well, and i sa let each one ov them stik tew their trade. Klucking iz jist az necessary in'this wurld az crowing es- peshily if it iz well did. But i want it well understood that i am the last man on reekord who would refte tew whissell if she waz certain she haii right p forit. I never knu a good whissler but wha[,had a good constitu- shun. Whissling iz compozed ov pucker and wind, and these two accomplishments denote vigor. Sum people alwus whissell whare thare iz danger--this they do to keep the fraid out ov them. When i waz a boy i alwus Ckonsidered whissling the next best thing to a kandle to go down cellar with in the nite time. The best whisslers i hav ever heard hav bin amung the ne- groes (i make this remark with the highest respekt to the ac- complishments ov the whites), i hav herd a south karoliny darkey whissell so natral that a mocking-bird would drop a worm out ov hiz bill and talk back to the nigger. I dont want enny better evidence ov the general honesty thare iz in a whissell than the fackt that thare aint nothing which a dog will answer quicker than the wissell ov hiz mas- ter, and dogs are az good judges ov honesty az enny kritters that live. It iz hard work to phool a dog once, and it iz next to im- possible to phool him the sekond time. I aint afraid to trust enny man for a small amount who iz a good whissler. I wouldn't want to sell him a farm on credit, for i should expekt to hav to take the farm back after awhile and remove the mortgage miself. Yu cant whissell a mortgage oph from a farm. A first rate whissler iz like a middling sized fiddler, good for nothing else, and tho whissling may keep a man from git- ting lonesum, it wont keep him from gitting raygged. page: 72-73[View Page 72-73]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 72-73 72 ESSAYS. I never knu a bee hunter but what waz a good whissler, andi dont kno ov enny bizzness on the breast ov the earth that will make a man so lazy and useless, without acktually S killing him, az hulting bees in the wilderness. Hunting bees and writing seckond rate verses are evidences ov sum genius, but either of them will unfit a man for doing a good square day-s work. ' - t '1 ' ' -- ' "-^Q,-. TELS. - HOTELS are houses ov refuge, homes for the vagrants, the A11 married man's retreat, and the bachelor's fireside. They are kept-in all sorts ov ways, sum on the European : plan, and menny ov them on no plan at all. (L A good landlord iz like a good stepmother, he knows hiz bizzness and means to do hiz duty. .t He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy when the traveler draws nigh, he knows how to smile, he knew yure wife's father when he waz living, and yure wife's fust husband, but : he don't speak about him. - He kan tell whether it will rain to-morrow or not, he hears yure komplaints with a tear in hiz eye, he blows up the ser- I vants at yure suggestion, and stands around reddy, with a shirt collar az stiff az broken china. A man may be a good supream court judge and at the same ' i time be a miserable landlord. , ! Most evrybody thinks they kan keep a hotel (and they kan), but this ackounts for the grate number ov hotels that are kept on the same principle that a justiss ov the peace offiss iz kept I in the country during a six-days' jury trial for killing sumbod- dy's yello dorg. A hotel wont keep itself and keep the landlord too, and ever kure a traveler from the habit ov profane swareing. I hav had this experiment tried on me several tihnes, and it alwus makesthe swares, wuss. HOTELS. 73 It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the bizzness ov hash az ministers go into the professhun, with the very best ov motives, but the poorest kind ov prospecks. I dont know ov enny bizzness more flattersum than the tavern bizzness, there dont seem to be ennything to do but to stand in front ov the register with a pen behind the ear and see that the guests enter themselfs az soon ,az they enter the house, then yank a bell-rope six or seven times, and then tell John to sho the gentlem to 976, a n take'four dollars and fifty cents next mor g fro oti. r -:ov a traveler and let him went. f ' .:. . This seems to be the whole thing (andtit iiz the' whole thing) in most cases. Yu will diskover the following deskripshun a mild one, ov about 9 hotels out ov 10 between the Atlantik and Pacifick Oshuns akrost the United States in a straight line: Yure room iz 13 foot 6 inches, by 9 foot 7 inches, parallelo- gramly. It being court week (az usuaD, all the good rooms are em- ployed bi the lawyers and judges. Yure room iz on the uttermost floor. The carpet iz ingrain--ingrained with the dust, kerosene ile, and ink-spots ov four generashuns. Thare iz two pegs in the room tew hitch coats onto, one ov them broke oph, and the other pulled out, and missing. The buro haz three legs, and one brick. The glass to the buro swings on two pivots, which hav lost their grip. Thare iz one towel on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain water in the pitcher cum out ov the well. The soap iz az tuff tew wear az a whetstone. The soap iz scented with cinnamon ile, and variagated with spots. Thare iz three chairs, kane setters, one iz a rocker, and all three are busted. Thare- iz a match-box, empty. page: 74-75[View Page 74-75]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 74-75 74 ESSAYS. - Thare iz no kurtin to the windo, and thare don't want to !; be any, yu kant see out, and who kan see in? a The bel rope iz cum oph about 6 inches this side ov the i ceiling. - The bed iz a modern slat bottom, with two mattrasses, one cotton, and one husk, and both harder, and about az thick az ! a sea biskitt. ?: Yu enter the bed sideways and kan feel evrv slat at once, C ' az eazy az yu could thed'ribs ov a grid iron. The bed it inhabitid. .:;i Yu slee m, but rool over a good de. :- For breakfast you have a gong, and rh coffee too kold to melt butter, -fride potatoze which resemble the chips a two : inch auger makes in its journey through an oak log. I? :: Bread solid, beef stake about az thik az a blister plaster, and so tuff az a hound's ear.. ^ Table covered with plates, a few scared to death pickles on one ov them, and 6 fly endorsed crackers on another. -nu A pewterinktom caster with three bottles -in it, one with. out enny pepper in it, one without enny mustard, and one I; with two inches ov drowned flies, and vinegar in it. Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs around you earnestly, and wants to know if yu will take another cup ov coffee. Yu say "Vo mom, i tAank yu," and push back yure chair. Yu haven't eat enuff tew pay for picking yure teeth: I am about az selfconsaited az it will do for a mall to be and not crack open, but i never yet consaited. that i could Ad keep a hotel, i had rather be a hiwayman than to be sum landlords i have visited with. ,X Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen, whare servants glide around like angels ov mercy, whare the beds fit a man's back like the feathers on a goose, I and whare the vittles taste just az tho yure wife, or yure mother had fried them. "AFFING. 75 Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt on wheels and travel around the country ; they are az phull ov real cumfort az a thanksgiving pudding, but alass! yes, alass! they are az unplen- ty az double-yelked eggs. " LAFFING. ANATOMKALLY ]nsidered, lafling iz the sensashun ov pheeling gqod all over, and showing it i cipally in one spot. Morally konsidered, it iz the next best thing tew the 10 commandments. Philosophikally konsidered, it beats - Herrick's pills 3 pills in the game. Theoretikally konsidered, it kan out argy all the logik in existence. Analitikally konsidered, enny part ov it iz equal tew the whole. Konstitushionally konsidered, it iz vittles and sumthing tew drink. Multifariously konsidered, it iz just az different from enny- thing else az it is from itself. Phumatically konsidered, it haz a good deal ov essence and sum boddy. Pyroteknikally konsidered, it is the fire-works of the soul. Syllogestikally konsidered, the konklushuns allwus follows the premises. Spontaneously konsidered, it iz az natral and refreshing az a spring bi the road-side. Phosphorescently konsidered, it lights up like a globe lantern. Exsudashiously konsidered, it haz all the dissolving prop- ertys ov a hot whiskee puntch. But this iz too big talk for me; theze flatulent words waz 'put into the dikshionary for those giants in knolledge tew page: 76-77[View Page 76-77]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 76-77 76 . * ESSAYS. r, ssxYs. use who hav tew load a kannon klean up tew the muzzell. with powder and ball when they go out tew hunlt pissmires. But i don't intend this essa for laffing in the lump, but for lafing on the half-shell. Laffiing iz just az natral tew cum tew the surface as a rat iz tew cum out ov hiz hole when he wants tew. Yu kant keep it back by swallowing enny more than yu ]an the heekups. If a man kan'tlaff there iz sum mistake made in putting him together, and if he won't laff he wants az mutch keeping away fro&&sz a bear-trap w hen it iz sot.: I have seen people who laffed altogether too mutch for their own good or for ennyboddy else's; they laft like a barrell ov nu sider with the tap pulled out, a perfekt stream. ' This is a grate waste ov natral juice. I have seen other people who didn't laff enuff tew giv themselfs vrent; they waz like a barrell ov nu sider too, that waz bunged up tite, apt tew start a hoop and leak all away on the sly Thare ain't neither ov theze 2 ways right, and they never ought tew be pattented. Sum pholks hav got what iz kalled a hoss-laff, about haff- way between a -growl and a bellow, just az a hoss duz when he feels hiz bats, and don't exackly kno what ails him. Theze pholks don't enjoy a laff enny more than the man duz hiz vettles who swallows hiz pertatoze whole. A laff tew be nourishsome wants tew be well chewed. Thare iz another kind ov a laff which i never did enjoy, one loud busst, and then everything iz az still az a lager beer barrell after it haz blowed up and slung 2 or 3 gallons ov beer around loose. Thare iz another laff whitch I hav annalized, it cums out ov the mouth with a noize like a pig makes when he iz in a tite spot, one sharp squeal and two snikkers, and then dies in a simper. This kind ov a laff iz larnt at femail boarding-skools, and "AFFING. T7 dont mean ennything; it iz nothing more than the skin ov a laff. Genuine laffing iz the vent ov the soul, the nostrils ov the heart, and iz jist az necessary for helth and happiness as spring water iz for a trout. Thare iz one kind ov a laff that i always did reclkommend; it looks out ov the eye fust with a merry twinkle, then it kreeps down on its hands and kneze and plays around the mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze ov a kandle, then it steals over into the dimples ov the cheeks and rides around in thoze little whirlpools for a while, then it 16 up the whole face like the mello bloom on a damask roze, then it swims oph on the air, with a peal az klear and az happy az a dinner-bell, then it goes bak agin on golden tiptoze like an angel out for an airing, and laze down on its little bed ov violets in the heart whare it cum from. Thare iz another laff that noboddy lran withstand; it iz just az honest and noizy az a distrikt skool let out tew play, it shakes a man up:from hiz toze tew hiz temples, it dubbles and twists him like a whiskee phit, it lifts him up oph from hiz cheer, like feathers, and lets him bak agin like melted led, it goes all thru him like a pikpocket, and finally leaves him az weak and az krazy az tho he had bin soaking all day in a Rushing bath and forgot tew be took out. This kind ov a laff belongs'tew jolly good phellows who are az helthy az quakers, and who are az eazy tew-pleaze az a gall who iz- going tew be married to-morrow. In konclushion i say laff every good chance yu kan git, but don't laff unless yu feal like it, for there ain't nothing in this world more harty than a good honest laff, nor nothing more hollow than a hartless one. When yu do laff open yure mouth wide enuff for the noize tew git out without squealing, thro yure bed bak az tho yu waz going tew be shaved, hold on tew yure false hair with both hands aud then laff till yure soul gets thoroly rested. But i shall tell yu more about theze things at sum fewter time. page: 78-79[View Page 78-79]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 78-79 78 ESSAYS. : HOSS SENSE. There is nothing that haz bin discovered yet, that iz so skarse as good Hoss sense, about 28 hoss power. I don't mean race hoss, nor trotting hoss sense, that kan run a mile in 1:28 and then brake down; nor trot in and good for nothing afterwards, lonly to brag on; but I 'mean the mallday that iz good for 8 miles an Crowing in the morn- never find it a good deal; ncommon sense iz ov the ature ofws cum home at night, genius, and all gelius iz the gift of God, and kant be nad, ovlike the road eggs, for the hunting. things in the world to Ot-Wit, out-argy, or beat in enny way, i it iz az honest az a loaf ov good domest I had seen fste, eite ot fromtosens , that was like eithe o fr sum hoses, who / could git so far in ORATION. ' one day that it would take them two days tew git back, on a litter. I don't mean this kind nuther. Good hard-pan sense iz the thing that will wash Well, wear well, iron out without wrinkling, and take starch without kracking. Menny people are hunting after nncommon sense, but they never find it a good deal; uncommon sense iz ov the fiature of genius, and all ge/fius iz the gift of God, and kant be had, like hens eggs, for the hunting. Good, old-fashioned common sense iz one ov the hardest things in the world to out-wit, out-argy, or beat in enny way, it iz az honest az a loaf ov good domestik. bread, alwus in tune, either ]ot from the oven or 8 dayvs old. ' SILENCE. 79 Common sense kan be improved upon by edukashun- genius kan be too, sum, but not much. Edukashun gauls genius like a bad setting harness. Common sense iz like biled vittles, it is good right from the pot, and it is good nex day warmed up. If every man waz a genius, mankind would be az bad oph az the heavens would be, with every star a comet, things would git hurt badly, and noboddy tew blame. Common sense iz instinkt, and instinkt don't make enny blunders mutch, no more than a rat duz, in coming out, or going intew a hole, he hits the hole the fust time, a iust fills it. Genius iz always in advance ov the times, and males sum magnificent hits, but the world owes most ov its tributes to good boss sense. STTLE(N CE. Silence is a still noise. One ov the hardest things for a man to do, iz tew keep still. Everyboddy wants tew be heard fust, and this iz jist what fills the world with nonsense. Everyboddy wants tew talk, few want to think, and no- boddy wants tew listen. The greatest talkers amung the feathered folks, are the magpie and ginny hen, and neither ov them are ov mutch account. If a man ain't sure he iz right the best kard he kan play iz a blank one. I have known menny a man tew beat in an argument by just no'dding his hed once in a while and simply say, "jess so, . jess so." It takes a grate menny blows tew drive in a nail, but one will clinch it. Sum men talk just az a French pony trots, all day long, in a haff bushel meazzure. {' page: 80-81[View Page 80-81]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 80-81 80 ESSAYS. Silence never makes enny blunders, and alwusgits az mutch credit az iz due it, and of times more. I When i see a man listening to me cluss i alwus say to mi- self, " look out, Josh, that fellow iz taking your meazzure." I hav herd men argy a pint two hours and a haff and not git enny further from whare they started than a mule in a, bark mill, they did a good deal ov going round and round. I hav sot on jurys and had a lawyer talk the law, fakts and evidence ov the kase all out ov me, besides starting the taps on mi boots. I hav b0:lew church hungry for sum gospel, and cum hum so phull ov it that i couldn't draw a long breth without start- ing a button. Brevity and silence are the two grate kards, and next to say- ing nothing, saying a little, iz the strength ov the game. One thing iz certain, it iz only the grate thinkers who kan afford tew be brief, and thare haz bin but phew volumes yet published which could not be cut down two-thirds, and menny ov them could be cut klean back tew the title page without hurting them. Iz hard tew find a man ov good sense who kan look backl upon enny occason and wish he had sed sum more, but it iz eazy tew find menny who wish they had said less. A thing sed iz hard tew recall, but unsed it kan be spoken any time. * Brevity iz the child of silence, and iz a great credit tew the old man. BRAVER . r]RUE bravery iz very eazy tew detekt, for it iz az mutch IL a part and parcel of a man's every day life az hiz clothes iz. Everything that a truly brave man duz iz did from princi- ple not impulse, and when no one sees him' he iz just az he. roik az he would be if he waz in the eyes of the multitude. DISPATCH. 81 Thare iz a grate deal ov bravery that iz simply ornamental, I and if it wan't for its spurs and cockade wouldn't amount tew I mutch. It iz not bravery to face what we kan't dodge, but it iz I true courage tew face all things that are honest and dodge s nothing. True bravery exists amu'ng the lowly just az mutch az amung t the grate, and a man really haz no more right tew expekt praise for his courage than he haz for hiz virtue. It often requires more bravery tew tell the simple truth than it duz tew win a battle. He who fills to the brim the stashun in life, which nature or fortune haz given him, iz a hero; i don't kare whether he iz a peasant on the hillside, or chieftian in the tented field. - The most sublime courage I hav ever witnessed, hav been among that klass who waz too poor to know that they possess, ed it, and too humble for the world ever to diskover it. When I want to see a hero, or commune with one, i don't go tew the pages ov history ;i kan find them in among the bipaths ov every day life. i hav known them tew liv out theirlives and die without enny reckord here; but hereafter, when the grate sorting takes place, they will be found among: the jewels. DISPATCH. DISPATCH iz the gift, or art ov doing a thing right qui.. To do a thing right, and to do it quick iz an attribute, ov genius. Hurry iz often mistaken for dispatch; but thare iz. jiust az much difference az thare iz between a hornet and: a pissmire when they are both ov them on duty. A hornet never takes any steps backwards, but a pissmire alwus travels just as tho he had: forgot sumthing.. (Hurry works from morning: until night, but. works- on a. tred-wheel. 6: page: 82-83[View Page 82-83]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 82-83 82 ESSAYS. Dispatch never undertakes a job without fust marking out the course to take, and then follows it, right or wrong, while hurry travels like a blind hoss, stepping hi and often, and spends most ov her time in running into things, and the bal- lance in backing out agin. Dispatch iz alwns the mark ov grate abilitys, while hurry iz the evidence ov a phew branes, and they, flying around so fast in the lied, they keep their owner alwus dizzy. Hurry iz a good pllellow tew phite bunlble bees, whare, if yu hav ever so good a plan, yu kant inake it workl well. Dispait liaz dun all the grate tlings that hav been did in i this world, while hurry haz been at work at the small ones, and haint got thru yet. HOW TO PIK OUT A WIFE. i 1IND a girl that iz 19 years old last May, about the right hiight, with a blue eye,'and dark-brown llair and white teeth. Let the girl be good to look at, not too phllond of musilk, a [ firm disbeleaver in ghosts, and one ov six children in the same family. Look well tew the karakter ov her father; see that he is not the member ov enny klub, don'it bet on elekshuns, and gits shaved at least 3 times a week. Find out all about her mother, see if she haz got a heap ov good common sense, studdy well her likes and dislikes, eat sum ov her hum-made bread and apple dumnplins, notiss whether she abuzes all ov her nabors, and don't fail tew observe whethier -her dresses are last year's ones fixt over. If you are satisfied that the mother would make the right :kind ov a mother-in-law, yu kan safely konklude that the dau- ter would make the right kind of a wife. After theze prelimenarys are all settled, and yu have done a reazonable amount ov sparking,& ask the yung lady for her I- HOW TEW PIK OUT A WATElRMELLON. 83 hlcart and hand, and if she refuses, yu kan konsider yourself eichered. If on the contrary, she should say yes, git married at once, t without any fuss and feathers, and proceed to take the chances. I say take the I chances, for thare aint no resipec for a . perfekt wife, enny morethan thare iz for perfekt husband. Thare iz just az - menny good wifes t gl az thare iz good hus- bands and i never knew two people, !k married or single, w who were determin- self s agreeable to bi ga eachll other, but w at h t the suckceeded. . '- Name ynre oldest boy sum good stout name, not after suln hero, but shonld the first boy be a girl, i ask it az a favour to me that yu kaul her Rebekker. I do want sum ov them good, old-fashioned, tuff girl names revived and extended. HOW TEW PIIZK OUT A WATERMELLTON. UITMTIME abloutthe o20th ov Aungust, more or less, when the moon iz entering her seckond quarter, and the old kitchen lock haz struk twelve midnite, git up and dres yureself, writhout making enny noize, and leave the hous bi the bak door, and step lightly akross the yard, out into the hiway- and turn tew yure right. page: 84-85[View Page 84-85]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 84-85 84 ESSAYS. After going about haff a mile, take your fust left hand road, and when yu cum tew a bridge, cross it, and go thru a pair ov bars on the right, walk about two hundred yards in a south-east direckshun. and yu will cum suddenly on a water- mellon patch. i Pik out a good, dark-colored one, with the skin a leetle g ruffish; be kareful not to injure enny ov the vines by step- ping on them; shoulder the watermellon, and retrace yure steps, walking about twice az fast az yu did when yu cum j out. I Once in a while look over yure shoulder too see if the moon is all right. When yu reach hum, bury the water- mellon in the ha mow and slip into bed, just as tho nothing it had happened. This is an old-fashioned, time-honored way, tew pik out a good watermellon, just the way our fathers and grand- fathers did it. After yu hav et the watermellon tare up the resipee. / I am not anxious tew hav this resipee preserved, but i dont want it forgotten. One watermellon during yure life is enuff to pik out in this way. Dont do it but jist once, and then be kind ov sorry for it afterwards. : Menny people will wonder and worry whare the moral i cums in, in this sketch, and it is hard tew tell; but i will venture to say that thare aint a prominent moralist in Amerika, but has picked out his watermellon by this resipee, sumtilme during his life, and will tell you that he remembers favour- ably the spirit ov adventure that promted the undertaking, and never kan forgit the sober sense ov shame that followed it. HOW TEW PIK OUT A DOG. DOGS are gitting dredful skase, and if yu dont pik one out putty soon, it will be forever too late. HOW TEW PIE OUT A DOG. 85- I hav written during my yunger days, when I knu a good deal more than i do now, or ever shal kno agin, an essa onto dogs, and in that essa i klaimed that the best kind ov a dog for all purposes for a man tew hav was a wodden dog. The experience ov years don't seem tew change mi opinyun, and i now, az then, reckomend the wodden dog. Dogs, az a genral thing, are ornamental, and the wodden dog kan be made hily so, after enny pattern or desighn that a kultivated taste may'suggest. If the wodden dog iz made with the bark on, so mutch the better; for we are told bi thoze who studdy sich things that dogs which bark never bight. Wodden dogs never stra away three or four times a year, like flesh and blood dogs do, and don't kost 5 or 10 dollars reward each time tew make them cum bak hum agin. Wodden dogs don't hav the old hydrophobiskiousness; neither are they running round, and round, and round, and round after them selfs, trieing tew ketch up with a wicked flea, who iz bizzily engaged knawing away at the dog's- continuashun. Thare ain't no better watch dog in the world than the wodden one. Yu set them tew watching enny thing, they will watch it for 3 years, and they aint krazy, and want tew jump thru a window in a minnit, if they just happen tew hear a boy out in the streets whissling "Yankee Doodle " or "Sally Cum Up." Wodden dogs won't stretch themselfs out in front ov the fire place, taking up all the hot room, nor they won't fly at a harmless old beggar man, who only wants a krust, and tare him all tew little bits in a minnitt. If yu want tew pik lout a good, dog, pik out a wodden one, they range in price, all the way from 10 cents tew a dollar ackording tew the lumber in them, old-age don't make them kross and useless, and if they do happen tew loze, a hed, or a leg, in sum skrimmage, a dose ov Spaldings glu, taken at night, jist before they retire will fetch them out all strait, in the morning. page: 86-87[View Page 86-87]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 86-87 86 ESSAYS. HOW TEW PIK OUT A KAT. THE hardest thing, in every day life, iz tew pik out a good kat, not bekause kats are so skase, az bekauze they are so plenty. If thare want but 2 kats on earth, thare wouldn't be no trouble, yu would pik one and the other phellow would pik one, and that would end the contest. To pik out a good kat, one that will tend tew bizzness and not astronomize nights, nor praktiss operatik- strains, iz an evidence ov genius. I don't luv kats enuff tew pik one out enny how, but i have picked a kitten out ov a swill barrel before now with a pair of tongs, just tew save life. Color iz no kriterion ov kats, i hav seen dredful mean kats ov all colors. Kats with blue eyes, and very long whiskers, with the points pv their ears a leetle rounded are not to be trusted they will steal yung chickens, and hook kream. oph from the milk pans, every good chanse they kan git. Kats with gra eyes, very short whiskers, and four-white toes, are the best kats thare iz to lay in front ov the kitchen stove all day, and be stepped on their tail, every fu minnitts. Kats with blak eyes, no whiskers at all, and sharp pointed ears, are liabel tew phitts. Picking out good kats haz alwus bin a mighty cluss tran- sackshun from the fist begining, the best way haz alwus ben tew take them without enny picking, jist az they cum, and let them go, jist az they cum. "OST ARTS. SUM ov our best and most energetick quill jerkers, hav writ essays on the "Lost Arts," and hav did comparatiffly well, but they hav overlooked several ov the missing artikles, i t LOST ARTS. 87 whitch i take the liberty, (in a strikly confidenshall way) tew O draw their attenshun to. Pumpkin Pi."--This delitesum work ov art iz, (or rather was) a triumphant conglomerashun ov baked doe, and biled pumpkin., It waz diskovered during the old ov the moon, in the year 1680, by Angelica, the notable wife ov Rhehoboam Beecher, P then residing in the rural town ov Nu Guilford, State of Connek- ticut, but since departed this life, aged 84 years, 3 months, 6 daze 5 hours, and 15 minnitts. Peace tew her dust. This pi, immejiately after its discovery bi Angelica, pro- ceeded into general use, and waz the boss pi, for over a hun- dred years. In the year 1833 it was totaly lorst. This pi hain't bin herd from since. Large rewards har bin offered for its recovery by the Govenor ov Connekticut, but Al it haz undoubtedly fled forever. Sum poor imitashuns ov the blessed old original pi are loaf- ing around, but pumpkin pi az it waz, (with nutmeg inL it), is !: no more. "Rum and Tanzy.-QGood old Nu England rum with tanzy bruized in it, waz known to our ancients, and drank by the deacons and the elders ov our churches, a century ago. It iz now one ov the lost arts. A haff a pint ov this glorious old mixtur upon gitting' out ov bed in the morning, then a haff a pint jist before sitting ;! -down tew breakfast, then thru the day, at stated intervals, a haff a pint ov it, and sum more ov it just before retiring at nite, iz wat enabled our fourfathers tew shake oph the^ yoke ov grate brittain, and gave the Amerikan eagle the majestik tred and thundering big bak bone, which he used tew hav. But, alass! oh, alass! we once had spirits ov just men made perfek, but we hav now, (o alass!) spirits ov the dam. One half-pint ov the present prevailing rum would ruin a deacon in twenty minitts., Farewell, good old nu England rum, with some tanzy in page: 88-89[View Page 88-89]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 88-89 88 ESSAYS. yer, thou hast gone! yest, thou hast gone tew that bourn froml which no good spirits cnms back. ".Rum, reguiescat, et liquorissimus." "Arly to bed, and arly to rize."1 When our ancestors landed on Plimoth Rok out ov the May- flower, and stood in front ov the grate lanskape spred out before them, reaching from the boisterious Atlantik to the buzzum ov the plaintive Pacifick, they brought with thell, among other tools, the art ov gitting up in the morning ald going tew bed at nite in decent seazon. This art they was az familiar to them, az codfish for brek- fast. They knu it bi heart. It waz the elevent!l command in their katekism. They taut it tew their children, their yung men and maid- ens, and if a yung one waz enny ways slow about larning it he waz invited out to the korn-krib, and thare the art waz explained tew him, so that he got hold ov the idee for ever I and amen. i I am sorry to say that this art iz now lost, or missing. i What a loss waz here, my countrymen! I pauze for a reply. Not a word do I hear. Silence iz its epitaph. Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss will exklaim- - "Let her ri p!" Arly tew bed and arly tew rize, is either a thing of the past or a thing that ain't cum--it certainly don't exist in theze parts now. . It haz not only gone itself, but it haz took oph a whole lot ov good things with it. This art will positively never be diskovered agin; it waz the child ov innocense and vigor, and this breed ov children are like the babes in the wood, and deserted bi their unkle. "Honesty."-Honesty iz one ov the arts and sciences. Learned men will tell you that the abuv assershun iz one HNTS TO COMK LEKTURERS. 89 ov Josh Billings infernal lies, and yer hav a perfekt rite tew believe them, but i don't. Honesty iz jist az much an art az politeness iz, and never waz born with a man enny more than the capacity to spell the word Nebuddkenozzer right the first time waz. It took me seven years to master this word, and i and Noer Webster both disagree about the right way now. Sum men are natrally more addikted tew honesty than others, jist az sum hav a better ear for musik, and larn how tew hoist and lower the 8 notes, more completely than the next man. H-Ionesty iz one ov the lost or mislaid arts-thare may be excepshuns tew this rule, but the learned men all agree that "excepshuns prove the rule." The only doubts i hav about this matter iz tew lokate the time very cluss, when honesty waz fust lost. When Adam in the garden of Eden waz asked, "Whare art thou Adavn,'" and afterwards explained hiz abscence by saying, "I, waz afraid'," iz az far back az I hav bin able tew trace the fust indikashuns ov weakness in this grand and nobeJ art. I shouldn't be suprized if this art never waz fully recovered again during mi day. I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan manage tew worry along sumhow without it, but what iz a going tew bekum ov the grate mass ov suffering humanity? This iz a question that racks mi simpathetick buzzum! HNTS TO COMK LEKTURERS. ; 0MI lelturing, iz an unlkommon pesky thing to do. It iz more unsarting than the rat ketching bizzness az a means ov grace, or az a means ov livelyhood. Most enny boddy thinks they kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so bothersum tew do. page: 90-91[View Page 90-91]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 90-91 90 ESSAYS. When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terifick success, but wlhen it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent. Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it. If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like ,a hoss trying to trot backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself. Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feath- Whenever a nan haz made up hiz mnind that he iz a wit, then iz mistalken with- a out remedy, butwhen- ever' the publick- at hz made up their mind that he haz got the disease, then he haz I got it sure. the publik never sit Thare iz jist 16 ounces ill a pound ov glory, tand no more that ise by the puliks steeloards. Humor iz wit with-a roosters tail feathers stuck in its ea,- and wit iz wisdom in tight harness., No man kan be a helthy phool unless lie haz nussed at the brest ov wislonl. Thoze wTho fail in the i comik bizzness are then who hav lin puout to h Iuss, or o)ie fetcled up on a bottle. If a man ik a genuine humorist1 he iz snuerior tew the bull ov hz aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz paY for hiz servrices in l;llilnking so. HNTS TO COMK LEKTURERS. 91 Altho fun iz designed for the millyun, and ethiks for the few, it iz az true az molasses, that most all aujienceshav their bell wethers, people who show the others the crack whare the joke cums laffing in. I hav known popular aujences deprived ov all plezzure dur- ing the recital ov a comnik lektur, just bekauze the right man, or the right woman, want thare tew point out the ,mellow places. The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, witl, what he calls a comik lek-tur, ought tew be put immediately in the stocks, so that he kant do it, for lie iz a dangerous per- son tew git loose, and will do sum' damage. It iz a very pleazant bizzness tew make people laff, but thare iz mutch odds whether they laff at you, or laff at what yu say. When a man laffs at yu, he duz it because it makes him feel superior to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have uttered, he admits th at yu are superior tew him. The only reazon whi a monkey aliwus kreates a sensashun whareever he goes, is-simply bekauze-lle is a monkey. Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a' comik lectur, and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes things, by shutting up both eyes and letting drive with hiz two behind leggs. Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so delikate that none but the most delikate kan define them. It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew laff who don't feel the itch ov it. One ov the meanest things in the comik leltring employ- ment that a man haz to do, iz tew try and make that large class ov hiz aujience laff whom the Lord never intended should laff Thare iz sum who laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, but most ov mankind laff like a hand organ-if yu expect tew git a lively tune oit ov it yu hav got tew grind for it. In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop sudden, sometime before yu git through. This enables the page: 92-93[View Page 92-93]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 92-93 92 ESSAYS. auljience, if they hav had enuff, tew be satisfied with what they hav had, and if they want enny more, it enables them to han- ker for it. I know it iz dredful tuff, when a man iz on one end ov a stick ov molasses kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through; but he musn't forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on molassiss kandy az he iz. I hav got a very lonestun opinyun ov the comilk lelrtring bizziness, and if I waz well shut ov it, and knn how tew git an honest living at ennything else, (except opening clams, and keeping a districkt skool,) i would quit tommorrow, and either trade oph mi liktur for a grindstone, or sell it to the proprie- tors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their pashunts with. I dont urge ennyboddy tew cultivate the comik lelktring, but if they feel phull ov something, they kan't tell what, that bites, and makes them feel ridikilous, so that they kan't even saw wood without laffing tew themselfs 'all the time, i suppose they hav got the fun ailment in their bones, and had better let it leak out in the shape ov a lektur. But'i advise all such persons to pitty-themselfs, and when they lay a warm joke, not tew akt az a lien doth when she haz uttered an egg, but look sorry, and let sum one else do the cackling. If i had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a comik critter, if i couldn't get it out ov him enny other way, i would jine him to the Shakers, and make hm weed onions for three years, just for fun. FASHON - FURY--FELLOW-FUN-- USS--FLUN- KY--FRETS--FITS-FINIS. FASHON. TASHON is a goddess. She iz ov the maskuline, feminine and nuter gender. Men worship her in her maskuline form--wimmin in her feminine form, and the excentricks in her nuter gender. - ! FASHON. 93 She rules the world with a straw, and makes all her sup- pliants. She enslaves the poor az well az the ritch, she kneels in sanktuarys, pomps in cabins, and leers at the street korners. She fits man's foot ' edarikness ilien ov \\ t a 1 Sills ov wimminl along the filthy side- FUSS FLUNK EY eyed lapdogs with a -[.i string, and banishes a n t lo t I a murkys nurserys, in theare ov fainhless "' hrelings. She cheats the excentric rith the clap-trap of fredom, and makes him serve ver in the habiliments ov the harlequin. Yea, verily. FUN. FnnW is the soul's vent. Fen iz whare tp e kruditys eskape, where she Mks rp her heels and runs snorting around the lot, unaltered. and az eager az an eskaped konvikt. Fun iz a safety-valve that lets the steam preshure oph froin the biler, and keeps things from bussting. : Fun iz the dansing particles, which fli oph from the surface ov unbottled cider, it iz the senseless frolik ov the spring lam in the clover it itn the merry twinkle that kreeps down tew page: 94-95[View Page 94-95]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 94-95 " ESSAYS. the korner ov the parson's eye, to stand in the sunlite, and see what's going-on. Fun iz az karliss az a kolt, az happy az a bridegroom, and az silly az a luv-sik skool-girl. Fun iz the holy day wisdum ov the sage, the phools pholly, and everyboddys puppet. Next tew the virtew in this world, thefun in it iz what we kan least spare. Truly! O! truly! FRET. Fret iz a kanker, a gangreene, a blister, a bile, salt on a sore place, and a sliver everywhare. Fret iz frickshun, a dull lancet, a gimblet. Fret makes a yung man ackt like an old one, and an old man ackt like a yung one. Fret iz a grind stun, whare he holds hiz noze on, haz tew do hiz own turning. Fret haz burnt more holes thru a man's koppeis that all the other hot things, it haz killed az often az the doktors hav, and iz az lawless, and senseless, az a goose. Fret makes the husband a tyrant, the wife a platgue, the clild a nuisance, an old maid terrible. and a bachelor disgust- ing. Fret makes home a prizon, and puts teeth into the gums ov all life's misfortimes. I bet! thou bet! lie, se, or it, bets! FURY. Fury iz the tornado ov the inner man, a thunder shower, a a blak kloud phull ov litening, a tiger out ov hiz kage, a maniak armned, a bull in fli time. Fury knows no law only its strength, like a rocket, it whizzes till it busts, and when it haz bust, like a rocket, it iz but a senseless and burnt reed. ; Fury iz the argument ov tyrants, and the revenge ov the gI ** FITS-FUSS. , 95 embecile, the courage ov the kat, and the glowing embers ov dispair. Fury makes the hornet respektabel, and the pissmire a laffing stok, it makes the eagle allmoste human, and clothes the little wren, battling for her brood, with a halo sublime. Indeed! indeed! FITS. Fits are the moral tumblings ov man's natur, the bak sum- mersets ov hiz disp6sishun, the flying trapez ov the kritter himself. Fits prompt him tew klimb a greast pole, tew fite a wind mill at short range, to go too near a mule's heels, and to n make a kussid phool ov himself generally. Fits taketh a man bi the end ov hiz noze, and leadeth him into bak lots. Fits hav no conshience, and no judgment. Fits jerk a man from the path ov duty, they knok him klrazy at noontime; they seize him at twilite, and twist him arly in the morning. Sum men, and sum wimmen, are good only in fits, and bad only in fits, when they haint got a fit they are unfit for ennything. Yes, i think so. FUSS. Fuss iz like an -old setting hen when 'she cumns oph from her nest. Fuss iz like kold water dropt into hot grease-it sputters, and sputters, and then sputters agin. Fuss iz haff-sister to Hurry, and neither ov them kant do cllny thing without gitting in their own way and stepping on thlemselfs. Thare iz more fuss in this world than thare iz hurry, and thare iz a thousand times more ov either ov them than thare iz ov dispatch. Fuss works hard all day, and don't do enny thing, goes to page: 96[View Page 96]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 96 96 ESSAYS. bed tired at night, then gits up next morning, and begins agin whare she left oph. Oh, dear! whi iz this sutch. FELLOW. A fellow iz like a bottle ov ginger pop -that haz stood six hours with the kork out, in a warm room-it ain't ginger, nor it ain't pop. A fellow iz a hybrid; he hain't got enny more karakter than a drizzly day haz, he iz every boddy's cuzzin, and hangs around like a lost dog. He iz often clever, and that iz jist what ruins him. A clever phellow iz wuss oph than a mulatto. I am sorry for this-i .am aktually sad. FLUNKEY. Flunkeys are just abuv loafers, and just belo fellows. They ain't maskuline, feminine, nor nuter-they are just human dough. They hav the currage ov a spring chicken, the ferocity ov a kricket, the combativness ov a grasshopper, and the bak- bone ov an angleworm. They are human dough made to order, and baked az yu choose. Ain't it orful? FINIS. Finis iz the end ov all things-the happyest place in the whole job. All things on arth hav an end to them, and i kant think ov but phew things now that hain't got two. A ladder haz two ends to it, and the surest way tew git to the top ov it iz tew begin at the bottom. Finis iz the best and only friend that menny a man in this world ever haz, and sum day Finis will be the auto- krat ov the universe. Bully for yu, Finis. page: Illustration-97[View Page Illustration-97]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page Illustration-97 THE NU FOUNDLAND AND THE TARRIER. DOGS are one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun. In uncivilized life they perhaps are more one ov the necessitys, az they quite often are cooked, and eaten whole. Among the civilized, if they ever do git onto a bill ov fare, (ov which i have mi own private doubts,) they are more ar- tisklty handled, and enter into hash, or sassage, not az the leading artikle, but more few kreate a good average. But i am not now disposed to treat ov dogs az vittles, but as the companyun ov man, hiz pet, and hiz partner. The Nu foundland dog iz a natiff ov the place whare the nobel kodfish iz kaught. He dont liv in the water, like the kodfish, but unlike the kodfish, livs on the land. Hiz principal amuzement iz saving life, and i am told that thare iz hardly a man, or a woman, in all Nu foundland, but what haz had their lives saved several times by these wonder- ful dogs. They are taken from Nu foundland to various parts ovr the, world, and are kept for thepurpose ov dragging the drowning, from a watery grave. Yu will find them in mountaneous ,countrys, whare thare aint enny water, but little brooks. Here they dont hav mutch to do, in their line ov bizzness, and git verry fatt. But i am told, that even here, they dont forget theirnatur, and kan often be seen looking down into the, wells, after drowning men. I' n97 page: 98-99[View Page 98-99]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 98-99 98 . ANIMATED NATUR. . This shows the grate power ov instinkt, and the force ov bizzness habits, alwus looking for a job. I never hav had'mi life sasved by one ov theze nobel krit- ters, but amn reddy tew hav it done, at enny time, at the usual rates. - Life iz sweet, and it iz cheaper tew hav it saved by a dog than by a doktorn But these dogs are all hydropaths, and thare iz sum pholks so kussid sentimental that they had rather die than be dokter- ed bi ennything else than an old slkool allopath. I am just phool enuff, if I waz in the pond, just at the pint ov deth on ackount ov too mutchl water, and thare waz a Nu- foundland dog standing on the shore out ov a job, I should let him handle the case, rather than send four a, Bufoundln dog, but just soon amiles. for a regular dokter. "W t I may be all wrong - . one, wit' hout' sk in thias, but if the dog nanled me out all righlt, I should hav i time tew repent ov mi blunder, and next time send for a phy1- sician with a diploma. It iz never t oo lte tew repent ov a blurn- der, not if you lhmv got plenty ov time on hand that you don't kno what t o * SO seED BY' NEWF DOGdo with. "Incver hav owned a Nufoundland dog, but just az soon as i git able tew board one, without skrimping mi family, i mean to buy one, or bor- ro one, just for hiz board.. I don't know ov ennything more magnificent than tew hav' THE RAT TARRIER. 99 a grate illustrious Nufoundland dog tew follow. yu in a mountaneous country. I liv at Pordunk (the home -ov the Billingsfamily) and Pordunk iz not a wet place. Thare iz sum good wells thare, and two grocerys, but the water priviliges at Pordunk are used only az a beverage. Thare iz only one Nufoundland dog now at Pordunk, and i think the town would support two. I don't suppose i should hav work enuff tew keep one- ov theze nobel animals bizzy hauling drowning men out ov wells, but in the spring ov the year, after the gardens waz made, i could lend him out tew the nabors tew run in the gardens. I don't kno ov enny thing better tew keep the angleworms, and early lettiss, and beets out ov a garden than a full-grown Nufoundland pup. It iz nothing but phun tew giv them a kalf-skin boot, and turn them out into a nu-made garden, and see them kick up their heels, stir up the garden, and jerk the boot. I am almoste krazy tew hav a Nufoundland dog. THE RAT TARRIER. Theze dear little pets ov the dog perswashun are natiffs ov the ile ov Grate Brittain. They are born there with grate precision and purity ov kar- akter, hav a pedigree az klean az the queen's, and as free from spots az a nu tin dipper. A rat tarrier who. could ketch 97 rats a day, with a rust' on his pedigree, ain't worth only haff az mutch in market az one with a pure set ov ansestors, who couldn't ketch only 43 rats. It iz hard work for a kussed phool tew see this, but it takes edukashun tew see theze things. A man without edukashun kanT stand out doors in a klear night and count the moon, and he won't see enny thing but a grate chunk ov light sumthing bigger than a kartwheel. But you let an edukated man stan out there by his side, and lie kan see turnpikes, and toll gates, and torch-lite proceshuns, page: 100-101[View Page 100-101]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 100-101 100 ANIMATED NATUR. and wimmin's rites convenshuns, and municipal rings, and koporashun thieving in it. Edukashun iz bully. The rat tarrier iz not so mutch dog, az a personal matter, az the Nufoundland iz, but he haz more grit to the square inch. Just so the hornet haz got more sting tew them than a shanghi pullet haz, and an angleworm haz more grit in them than an hanakonda haz. Natur bosses these jobs, and hiatur . never underlets a kontract. There is one thing I alwus did like natur for, she don't take the trouble tew explain. She don't object tew persons asking questions, and guessing at things, but if enny boddy asks her whi a frog kan jump further at one highst than a tud kan, she tells the phellow (if she tells him ennything) never tew bet on the tud, unless he wants tew looze his munny. I never hav had the happiness yet to own a rat tarrier even, in fakt i hav allus been poor, and haven't been beforehanded enuff yet tew own a dog. I mean sumn time tew hav a rat tarrier, and then I suppoze, to enjoy myself, I shall have tew git sum rats. This iz the way with all the luxurys ov life, one luxury makes another one necessary I Thar iz one thing certain, if i ever do own a Nufoundland, or rat tarrier, they hav got tew be thorobred. I must kno all ov their relashuns, inkluding their- mother-in- law, and if thare iz a blot on thur reputashun, as big as a fli spek, the dog wont sute me. I must hav the pedigree all rite, if the dog aint wuth a kuss. THE MONKEY. HE monkey iz a human being, a little undersised, kivvered with hair hitched to a tail, and filled with the devil. Naturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mista- ken, .that'i mean well enuff, and don't mean tew deceive enny- body, but the monkey iz not a human being, lie iz simply a THE, MONKEY. 101 pun on humanity, a kind of malishus joke ov Jupiter's, a libel, with a long tail tew it, a misterious mixtur ov ludikrous mis- chief, and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobbyhoss, or con- nekting gang-plank, between man in his dignity and the beast in his darkness. I hav a hi opinyun ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the dictionary fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we meet, and i respect them for what they know, but don't wor- - ship them for what they don't know, as the heathens do, their wodden gods. I don't kare what the philosophers say they kan prove in this matter; i tell you confidenshally, mi Christian friend, that you and the monKey, are relashuns. I don't pretend tew say that you are brothers anid sisters, but i do pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind ov critters, who exercise reason, even if the light ov it, is dim az a number six dip candle, in the rays ov the noon day sun, are our relashuns, for a-certain amount. The only fence between the animal and brute folks, iz instinkt and reason, and if the natralist kant prove that the monkey don't show a single glimmnering ov reason, i say he must step oph from the monkey's tail, and let him eat at the fust table. The monkey iz imitative tew the highest degree, and imita- shun iz a direkt transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and iz fallow ground within the domain of reazon. Instinkt don't step one single step aside, tew smell ov a flower or pull a cat's tail. But argument ain't mi fighting weight, i git along the best by asserting things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov four thousand things every year, that i kant prove, enny more than i kan prove what melody iz. The naturalist may hav their own way, but they kant hav mine, what little i know about things haz bin whispered tew me by the spirits, or some other romping critters, and is az distinkt and butiful, sumtimes to me, as a dream on an empty stummuk; it may be all wrong but it never iz viscious, and thus i konklude it iz edukashun. page: 102-103[View Page 102-103]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 102-103 102 ANIMATED NATUR. Now i don't advise ennybody else tew depend for their learning upon sich prekarious school masters, the best way iz tew follow the ruts, it will take you to town just az it did yure daddy. The route that i travel iz cirkuitus and blind sometimes, it haz now and then a vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, tew me, more than a farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize good white beans on a landskape. Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the subburbs ov sentimentility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus think ov a gobble turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, and that is jist what i am thinking ov now, and therefore i will dismount from the turkey, arid git aboard, the monkey, (the monkey az he am) once more. Pure deviltry iz the monkeys right bower; he iz only val- uable, (az personal property) tew look at, and wonder what lie iz a going tew do next. ! . He iz a jack at all trades, put hift in a barber shop, he will lather, and try tew shave himself, and color his mustash, put him in a dri good store, and he will handle more goods, than the best retail clerk in A. T. Stewart's employ. The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch like a pin bed, all in a heap to onst, but hiz face is a concetn- trated dew drop of malishus mischief. He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratches hiz hed, az natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for the same reason. Monkeys never grow enny older in expreshun, a yung mon- key looks just like his grandpapa, melted up and born again. They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watch two adopted orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Friend- less, than two monkeys. They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony sarsage, here they show more instinkt, than reason. But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov rea- zon, they are, az a means ov praktikal grace, the most useless kritters i hav ever pondered over and skratched mi head about. \ THE PISSMRE., 103 They won't work, and they won't play, unless they kan raize sum devil, they are too mutch like a human being in looks, and actions to kill off, it is impossible tew gaze at one and git mad at him, and it iz impossible tew laff at their smirk- ing santanity, without getting mad at yureself. If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i don't know now, whetheri should konsider it intended for malice, or a joke, but i do know, that i should send him back bi-the same person that fetched him, tew the donor, marked in loud italicks-C. 0. A). In conklusion; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate supply ov doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that iz his moral stamina, while in the garden ov Eden, with the rest ov the critters, previous tew the time that Adam fell;- was he strickly on the square, or was he just az full ov the devil az he is now?. An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited. TItE PISSMRE. TRE pissmire iz about 19 sizes bigger than the ant, aktual meazurement, and iz a kind ov bizzy loafer among bugs. They are like sum men, alwus very bizzy about sumthing, but what it iz, the Lord only knows. I never see a pissmire yet that wasn't on the travel, but i hav watched them all day long, and never see them git tew the place they started for. Just before a hard shower they are in the biggest hurry, they seem tew postpone every thing for that ockashun. Thar iz a grate difference between hurry and dispatch, but pissmires dont seem to understand the difference. If pissmires would go slower I should like them better, for i dont know ov ennything more unpleasant to view, than an aktive loafer. A pissmire iz like a boys wind miill, on the gable end ov a smoke house, in a gale, the faster it goze round, the less. coin- mon sense thare seems tew be in it. page: 104-105[View Page 104-105]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 104-105 104 ANIMATED NATUR. If pissmires haint got a destiny ov sum kind tew fill they wear out more slu leathller than thare iz enny religion in. THE POLE KAT. MY friend, did yu ever examin the fragrant pole kat clussly? M I guess not, they are a kritter who won't bear examining with a microskope. They are butiful beings, but oh! how deceptive. Their habits are phew, butunique. They bild their houses out ov earth and the houses hav but one door tew them, and that iz a front door. When they enter their houses they don't shut the door after them. ' ^ They are called pole kats bekause it iz not convenient tew kill them with a klub, i H" P. ok-CA Tbut witl a pole, and the longer the pole the more .convenient. Writers on natural history, dissagree about the right length ov the pole tew be used, but i would sug- , gest, that the pole be about 365 feet,espesh- ily if the wind iz in favor ov the pole 'kat. iz suddenly walloped with a long Vole, the lust thing lie, she, or it duz, iz tew embalhn the air, for n e n n y miles in diameter, with an akrimonious olifaktory refreshmen t, which permeates the ethereal fluid, withlan entirely original simell. THE WEAZEL.. 105 This smell iz less popular, in the fashionable world, than lubins extrakt, but the day may cum when it will be bottled up like musk, and sold for 87 1-2 cents per bottle; bottles small at that. A pole kat will remove the filling from a hens egg, without braking a hole in the shell, bigger than a marrow fat pea. How this iz did historians hav left us to doubt. This iz vulgarily called " surking eggs." This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it iz sed, they hav learnt from the pole kats. Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung goslins. They won't tutch an old goose, they are sound on that question. Man iz the only phellow who will attempt tew bight into an old goose, and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he loosens enny ov the meat. A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called skunk. Thare iz a grate menny aliases that thare iz no accounting for, and this iz one ov them. I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into a trap than tew git out ov it. In taking tkem out ov a trap grate judgment must be had not tew shake them up; the more yu shake them up the more ambrosial they am. One pole kat in a township is enuff, espeshily if the wind r changes once in a while. A pole kat skin iz wuth 2 dollars, in market, after it iz skinned, but it iz wuth 3 dollars and fifty cents tew skin him. This iz one way tew make 12 shillings in a wet day. THHE WEAT L. lHE weazel haz an eye like a hawk, and a tooth like a pick. erel. They kan see on all three sides of a right angle tri angle board fence, at once, and kan bite thru a side ov sole leather. 9 page: 106-107[View Page 106-107]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 106-107 106 ANIMATED NATUR.' Theiy alwus sleep with one eye open, and the other on the wink, and are quicker than spirits ov turpentine, and a lighted match. It iz no disgrace for a streak ov litening tew strike at a wea- zel and miss him. If I owned a weazel, litening mite strike at him all day for 50 cents a clap: I hav tried tew kill them in a stun wall with a rifle, but they would dodge the ball, when it got within six inches ov them, and stick their heads out ov another krack, three feet further oph. They are the hardest kritter amung the small game tew ketch or tew kill, yu kant coax one into, a trap, and keep him thare, enny more than yu could ketch a ray of light, with a knot hole. Weazles are skarse, but the supply alwus equals the demand, they aint useful only for one thing, and that iz, too kill chickens. They will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the blood with them, leaving the corpse behind. I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), and knu just whare he waz all the the time, and hain't got him yet. I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes yet. Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite and day, and I had tew withdraw the reward to keep froln breaking up the distrikt skool. The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn't, and ihdid it, for i hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle. A weazle's skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the quinsy sore thrut, but the phellow who sed this had a sure thing; he knu nobody could ketch the weazle. I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the -way tew ketcl a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I prakticed all one summer on this, but never got sum crow. I hav did things az foolish az this since i hay quit being a boy, but prefer tew keep mum what they are. ANGLE WORMS. 107 Weazles hav got no wisdum, but hav got what iz sumtimes mistaken for it, they hav got cunning. Cunning stands in the same relashun tew wisdum that a tad- pole duz tew a frog, he may git tew be a frog if he keeps on growing, but he aint one now. Wisdum knows how tew jump, but about the best thing that cunning can do iz tew wiggle. I hav saw:cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i never saw a wise man who thought he waz cunning. ANGLE WORMS A RE ov arth, arthy, and crawl for a living. They liv in ritch ground; ground that won't raize angle-worms won't raize ennything else, and whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz sure to be bully. If yu want yure angleworms ov enny size, yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on arth more miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and handy tew hoe, for they plant and harvest themselfs. They don't take up mutch room in the ground, and are az kind tew childen az a piece ov red tape. It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on the rear ov the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death iz the only relia- ble heal for lieing that has bin diskovered yet. When lieing gits into a man's blood, the only way tew git it out, iz tew drain him dry. Angle worms are used az an artikle ov diet tew, ketch fish with; they are handy tew put onto a hook, and handy tew take oph, az enny boddy knows, who haz straddled a saw log and fished for daice all day long Sunday in a mill pond. Old fishermen alwus carry their worms in their mouth. Angle worms liv in a round hole, which they fit like a gim- page: 108-109[View Page 108-109]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 108-109 108 ANIMATED NATUR. let, and are diffrent from aul other creeps that I kno ov, for they alwus back into their holes. Here the natral angle worm ends. THE MOUSE. EVER since natur waz diskovered; mice hav had a hole tew fill. Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not hav bin thor- oughly fitted up without a mouse tew dart, akross the bowers like a shaddo, and Eve would never have knu how tew skream pretty without one ov these little teachers. Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend with the job ov gitting a living outside the garden if he hadn't trapped suck- cessfully for a mouse. Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every man duz. Mice are the epito'me of shrewdness; their faces beam with sharp praktiss; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their little black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny. They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. i should be afrade tew buy a house that hadn't a mouse-hole in it. I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, like a wad out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, and to hear one nibble in the wainscot, in the midst ov the night, takes the death out ov silence. Mice alwus move into a new house fust, and are there reddy tew receive and welkumn the rest ov the family. They are more ornamental than useful, ackording to the best informashun we hav az yet; but this iz the case with most things. Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a time, and lay in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits ov rare-dun meat, for a month, with not a rag on them. THE MOUSE. 109 When they dine, they do it jist az a family ov yung piggs duz : each one at their own particular spot at the table, and it is seldum that yu see better-behaved boarders, or-them that understand their bizzness more thoroughly. I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that everything iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a check- er-board. When mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just the same length, az their boddys. This would seem at fust sight tew be a grate waste ov tail. The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew ends, might be a bigg phool enufftew want to know whi a bob- tailed mouse wouldn't be a better finished job; but philosophy haz no bizzness tew alter things to suit the market. It must take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either glorify them, or shut up. If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav thought it would be jist as well for natur bekause a man, if he kant orthodox a reason for the entire length ov a mouse's tale iz often willing tew tell hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a failure. Sutch iz man; but a mouse iz a mouse. The mouse kan live ennywhare tew advantage, except in a church. They phatt very slow in a church. This goes tew show that they kant live on religion enny more than a minis- ter kan. Religion iz excellent for digestion. Thare aint a more prolifick thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i mean now) than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They aire better than a fire-cracker tew stir up. a school-marm with, and are just the things tew throw spellin books at when they are on the run. One mouse will edukate a parcell ov yung ones more in ten minnitts during school time than you can substrakt out ov their heds in three days with Daballs arithmnetik. Now thare iz many folks who kant see ennything to write about in a mouse; but imice are full ov informashun. The only way that edukashuni was fust diskovered waz bi going tew page: 110-111[View Page 110-111]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 110-111 "O ANIMATED NATUR. school to natur. Books, if they are sound on the goose, are only natur in tipe. A grate many kontend that a mouse iz a useless kritter; but kan they prove it? I am willing to give an opinyun that too menny mice might not pay; but this applies to; musketoze, elephants, and side- wheel steambotes. A mouse's tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz an- other thing that- bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to explain it unless i am paid for it. I hav alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuze- papers that i never got a cent for. There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snug az a mouse will. Yu would think they waz made on purpose for it, and they will fill it quicker, too, than ennything i ever saw. If yu want to see a mouse enter hiz hole, yu mustn't wink. If- do, yu will hav tew wait till next time, I luv mice. They-seem tew belong to us. Rats i dont luv. They lack refinement. / THE YALLTER DOG. DOGS hav infested this world just about az long az man haz, and will thang around it, az long az thare is enny grizzle left on a bone. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust dog, and probably shant hav ov the final one. If Adam kept a tarrier, or Eve a poodle, the laps of ages hav washed away the fakt. If Noah had a pair ov each breed ov dogs, on board ov hiz vessell, and only one pair ov fleas, he waz well ont for dogs, and poor ont for fleas. But history iz numb on this subjekt. Esaw waz a mity hunter, but whether he kept a houn, or followed the cent himself, iz az ded, and departed to us, az the chirp ov the fist reliable cricket. THE YATT LER DOG. 1 l We read that Esaw sold out hiz birth rite for soup, and menny wonder at hiz extravegance, but Esaw diskovered arly, what menny a man haz diskovered since, that it iz hard work tew live on a pedigree. If i waz starving, I wouldn't hesitate tew swap oph all the pedigree I had, and all mi relashuns had, for a quart of pot- tage, and throw two grate grandfathers into the bargain. 3But I don't in- tend this essan for dogs in the lump, t but for the indi void-! ual yellar dog him- self. The yellar dog I haz no pedigree, / the blood in hiz veins iz az rude ei y azspetroleum, when it fust cums pump- ', '"g ] - ing out oi the C'olum earth , bitter, thick, and fiery. He iz long, and l, , lazily put together, \ hz ears flop when \ he shacks along the dusty thoroughfare, and hiz tail iz aburden. Thare iz no animashun in a yeller dog's tail, it iz useless, the flies aint even afraid ov it, it iz wus thlan a 10 per cent mortgage tew the rest ov hiz boddy. Whi the Yeller dog aint born diskounted, iz a mistery tew me, but wlen i ask miself, "Whare would yu hitch the tin pan to," then at once the folly ov a bob tailed yeller dog, flashes on mi mind. Ever since this kontinent waz found bi Christopher Coluim- bus, in 1492, and for what i kno, fiuch time previous tew that, page: 112-113[View Page 112-113]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 112-113 "2 ANIMATED NATUR. the Yeller dog haz been a vagrant, travelling bi moon lite, and hungry bi natur. Whare he cums from noboddy seems to iknow, and if yu speak a kind word tew him, he thinks it a kite in disguise, and straddling hiz tail, with both hind legs, he goes suspicious, and sideways, on his lonesum jurney. Mankind hav made him a vagabond, and life to him iz made up ov starvashun, and brickbats. If he cums out ov hiz lurking place in the hot ov august, he iz a " mad dog," and the common council at once assemble, the riot act iz read, 50 dollars reward iz offered, mtn cumn pant- ing into town, crieing "mad dog," their two horse waggon waz bit that morning, bi a yaller dog, the fury rages, old guns are kleaned up, the cannon iz run out on the village green, dames talk to dames ov the awful event, men look sober and defiant, boys pocket their marbles in the midst ov the game, pigs run squealing tew their hovels, and the whole boddy politik surges with horror. The poor innocent whelp haz done hiz worst, and while a whole villagwe iz in the extacys ov hlydrophobia lie has passed on, and may be seen, tugging away, in the subburbs, at the shin bone ov a departed omnibus hoss. The yeller dog hlaz but one friend among men, and that iz the darkey. A common imisfortune links them together. Why iz it,' that the .old negro, and hiz yeller dog, are vaga- bonds on the face ov the earth? , Mans inhumanity iz wuss than the malice ov wild beasts. A day ov reckoning will cum, a day ov judgment, and i kant tell but what the yeller dog will be thare, a mute wit- ness, and then, and thare, will the grate problem be solved. This wurld iz pliull ov grate wrongs, and the next one will az certainly be az phull ov grate retribushuns. I kant endure the sight ov oppreshun, it disgraces mi man- hood. if i had money enuff i would like tew buy even all the yeller dogs thare iz now on the buzzum ov the earth, and make them respekted and happy. ROOSTERS. 113 But i haint got the money, nor never shall hav, but az long az i hav strength tew steer a gooze quill, and blood enuff in mi heart for ink, i will bid mankind beware ov oppreshun, i dont kare whether it is in hi places or low, the oppreshun ov caste, the oppreshun ov wealth, or even the low, and degrading oppreshun, ov a tin pale, in hot pursuit, ov the friendless, yelping, yeller dog. Yeller dogs will sumtime, and sumwhare, hav their day, and when the huge piles ov brikbats, and mountains ov old tin ware, cums into court, i want tew be thare, for i am anx- ious tew know what the line ov defence will be. ROOSTERS. HARE is not on the whole horizon or ov live natur a more pleazing and strengthening studdy than the Rooster. This remarkable package of feathers hasbin for ages food for philosophik, as well as the simple currious mind. They belong tew the feathered. sekt denominated poultry, and are the husbands of menny wives. In Utah it is konsidered a disgrace tew speak disrespekful of a rooster. Brigham Young's coat ov arms is a rooster, in full blast, crowing till he is almost bent over double backwards. The flesh ov the rooster is very similar tew the flesh ov the hen; it is hard tew distinguish the diffrence espeshily in yure soup. Roosters are the pugilists amung the domestik burds;, they wear the belt, and having no shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel. Roosters, according to profane history, if mi edukashun. remembers me right, were formerly a man, who come sud- denly upon one ov the heathen gods, at a time when he, want prepared tew see company, and waz, for that offense, rebuilt over into the fust rooster, and waz forever afterward destined' to crow, as a kind ov warning. This change from a-man akounts for their fighting abilities, and for their politeness tew: the: 8; page: 114-115[View Page 114-115]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 114-115 "4 ANIMATED NATUR. hens. Thare is nothipg in a man that a woman admires more than his reddyness and ability tew smash another fellow, and it iz jiss so with a hen. When a rooster gits licked,- the hens all march oph with the other rooster, if he ain't haff so big or handsome. . It iz pluck that wins a hen or a woman. Thare iz grate variety ov pedigree amung the rooster race, but for stiddy bizzness give me the old fash dominique - rooster, short-legged, and when they walk, they alwus strut, and their buzzunms stick out, like an alderman's abdominal cupboard. This breed iz hawk-colored, and haz a crooked tail on them, arched like a sickle, and az full ov feathers as a new duster. But when you come right down to grit, and throw all out side influences overboard, thare aint nothing on earth, nor under it, that kan out-style, out-step, out-brag, or out-pluck a E regular Bantam rooster. They alwus put me in mind ov a small dandy, prakticing before a looking-glass. They don't weigh more than 30 ounces, but they make az mutch fuss az a ton, i have seen them trieing tew pik a quar. Irel with a two hoss waggon, and don't think they would hes. itate tew fight a meeting house, if it waz the least bit sassy tew them. It is more than fun tew hear one ov these little chevaliers crow, it iz like- a four-year old baby trieing tew sing a line 'out ov the Star Spangled Banner. The hen partner in this concern iz the most exquisit little -boquet ov neatness and feathers that the eye ever roosted on. They are az prim az a premature yung lady. It is a luxury to watch their daintyness, tew see them lay each feather with their bills, in its place, and preside over themselfs with az mutch delikasy and pride az a belle before her mirror. But the consumation iz tew see the wife a mother, leading out six little chicks a bugging; six little chicks no bigger than bumbelbees. It seems tew be necessary that there should be sumthing THE FOX. 1I5 outrageous in evrything, tew show us whare propriety ends and impropriety begins. This iz melancholly, the case in the rooster affair, for we hav the shanghi rooster, the gratest out- rage, in mi opinyun, ever committed in the annals ov poultry. Theze kritters are the camels amung fowls, they mope around the barnyard, tipping over the hay racks and stepping on the yung goslins, and evry now and then they crow con- fusion. If enny body should giv me a shanghi rooster i should halter him, and keep him in a box stall, and feed him on cut feed, and if he would work kind in harness, all right, if not, i would butcher him the fust wet day that cum, and salt him down tew give tew the poor. But thare ain't noboddy a going tew giv me one ov this breed, knot if i know it, i don't think thare iz a man on earth mean enuff to do it. Roosters do but very little household work, they wont lay enny eggs, nor try tew hatch enny, nor see tew the yung ones; this satisfys me that thare is sum truth in the mytholo- gikal ackount ov the rooster's fust origin. Yu kant git a rooster to pay enny attenshun tew a yung one, they spend their time in crowing, strutting, and occas- sionly find a worm, which they make a remarkabell fuss over, calling up their wifes from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but just az the hens git thare, this elegant and elabo- rate cuss bends over and gobbles up the morsel. Just like a man for all the world. THE FOX. OF all the beasts who roam the hill tops, or clime the plains, thare is none who makes so few blunders, and so many good hits as the fox. His shewdness iz more than a match for the lion's strength, hiz logick iz more than a match for the malice ov the wolf, * F page: 116-117[View Page 116-117]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 116-117 "6 ANIMATED NATUR. and hiz politeness and defference makes him the fop and gen- tleman ov the forest. The fox is a literary cuss; he haz been the hero ov history, fable, and song, from the fust dawn ov oral or written knowl- edge. He waz a genius long before ackedemick honors flourished; he waz a poet, skoller and sage before the days ov Homer and Herodotus, and now, in our times, he is the Ben Butler ov diplomacy an the Brigham Young ov matrimony. The fox is purely a game bird. It costs on an average fifty dollars tew ketch him, and when he iz caught he aint worth more than ten shillings.- He follers no regular bizzness for sustenance, but livs on the chances and on hiz wit. He iz X, fleshy-minded sinner, and hiz blandness iz too inutch for the quaintness ov the goose, the melankolly reserve ov the turkey, or the pompous rhetorick ov the rooster. They all kneel tew the logick of hiz tounge, and find them- selfs at rest in his stummuk. He lJuvs lam & green peas, but will diskount the peas rather than lose hiz dinner, and will go a mile and a half out ov his way to be polite to a duck or a goslin. But the most lively trait in the fox iz his cunning; he alwas pettyfogs hiz own case, and wins a great deal oftener than he loses. Foxes are not like men, kritters ov habit; they never do a thing twice with the same figures, and often alter their mind before they do a thing once. This is the effect of foo mutch. genius. There iz this difference between genius and common sense in a fox: Common sense iz governed bi circumstances, but circumstances iz governed by genius. The fox haz no moral honesty, but he haz got a grate sup- iply ov politikal honesty. If another fox in his parish wants a phatt goose, he will work hard and get the goose for him, and!.theha clean .the meat all oph from the outskirts ov the goose for pettyfogging the case, and giv him the bones, and tell hiz politikal friend, with a smile in the left corner of his eye, that " everything is lovely and the goose hangs high." THE FOX. 117 Foxes have learnt this piety from watching the men git geese for each other, and if animals don't want their piety tew git sour, they must keep away from the men week days. The fox is tew mutch ov a pollytician to invest his religion in enny sich indigenous trash.. He knows that sosiety haz claims on him, and are indebted tew him RAL for sum goose, and ex- THSNIL pekt to be for several "i ' y EVENING' -, more. This, iz a nobel L j I u shows that he aint a child ov ingratitude. Foxes cum out ov the grou nd, but wheiler ithey are made out ov dirt i knrt sware with much certain ty. T hey surface, don't make a kussd bt e um out ov them gro un s d through the instrumen-we can see the amazing dif- tality ov a hole, but- whe ther the hole begins at the surface and runs at the mouth ov the into the mountain, or a SLY FOX--TE MoRE YOUsPUT DOWN Tli whether it begins in theand YOU T mountain and runsce tew the surface don't make a kussid bit ov difference. But philosophers hay argued about this hole bizzness for years. 'Sum ov, them say it runs in, and sum ov them be darned if it duz; and right here we can see the amazing dif- ference between the logick ov the philosophers and the logick ov the fox. While they stand fiteing at the mouth ov the hole, the fox iz stealing their ducks and goslins. Foxes are like cunning men--they hay but few brains, and but a small place tew keep them in, but what few they hay got are like angle worms in hot water-full ov anxiety and mizery. page: 118-119[View Page 118-119]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 118-119 "8 ANIMATEID NATUR. Cunning is a branding iron; the letters on it are small, but alwus red-hot, and they read thus- Look out for the fox. A YARN.--THE AUNT, AND THE GRASSHOPPER. Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years ago, in the old ov the moon, during a verry dry spell ov weather, just after a hard frost, when grass butter waz skass, while venus was an evening star. An old ant, who had lost awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the rhumatiz, and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the front door ov an aunt hill, superintendin a phatt kurnell ov wheat, which the yung aunts were trieingtew git down cellar, into their house. Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, and singing," Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me."-- and spieing the old ant, giving orders tew the yung aunts, he stopt tew hav a talk with her. "Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning!" sed the grassbug. "A fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling in!" "Hav yu heard the grate news? "Dredfull sharp frost last niglt! "Winter will soon set in, i reckon! "I herd the owls hute last nite! "Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday! "When dew yu think specie payments will be toolk up? "Thare! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match? "How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village? "Enny sickness amungst them? "(I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the pissmnires, down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher wages? "Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the peace? A YARN.-THE AUNT AND THE GRASSHOPPER 119 "What iz yure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it make rum enny skarser? "Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he iz a mean old skinflinter, he sold me, only last week, a peace ov bar sope, for sum beeswax. "The world iz, gitting more full ov wussness every day! "I wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, about old Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and tken sum ov hiz dets! "Do yu see much ov the krickets now a days . "I should really like tew kno how they are gitting along; rather tuff times for them i guess, yu don't think they will winter, do yu.? "When duz the moon change now days? "Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan rec- komend'? "Dew yu think England will ever ,pay the Allabarmer klaims? "I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met one this morning, and before i could put two civil questions at him he was out ov sight! "Sum folks are alwus in sich a swetting hurry! "Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their webs in the grass . "How mutch wheat haz yure aunts got laid up; yu must hav sum tew spare? "I wonder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow? "They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, owing to its peculiar mutchness; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether this iz so or not, i wish yu could! "Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, will see buckwheat a bigg crop! "I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sher- man's lower barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good deal on plenty, and they must git tew work agin! "Well! i am in an awful hurry, i am going down tew tend a jumping match between Springsteel, and Steelspring, two yung grasshoppers; this iz tow be the last hop ov the seazon. page: 120-121[View Page 120-121]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 120-121 120 ANIMATED NATUR. "I must be a going!t "I am uncommon sorry i kant stay longer, and make yu a good visit. "By the way! Old mother Industry, i hav got a profound sekret, that i want to tell yu, but i wouldn't hav it known bi ennyboddy, for awl the world, if it should git out once, it would ruin me!" "Then keep the sekret yureself," spoke the ant, "it iz worth more to yu than ennyboddy else." This iz every word the bizzy old ant sed, but kept her eye all the time on the phatt keernel ov wheat and the loafing grasshopper moved off, whistling "Sally cum up." REMARKS. This iz the way with all loafers, if they kant steal yure time with idle questions, their last dodge iz to steal yure credulity with an idle sekret. A HEN. A HEN is a darn phool, they was born so bi natlr. When natur undertakes tew make a phool, she hits the mark the fust time. Most all the animile kritters hav'instinkt, which is wuth more to them than reason would be, for instinkt don't make enny blunders. If the animiles had reason, they would akt just as ridilkilus as we men folks do. But a hen don't seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made expressly for a phool. I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 15th ov January, when the snow ivas 3 foot high, and lite on the top ov a stun wall, and coolly set thare, and freeze tew deth. Noboddy but a darn phool would do this, unless it was tew save a bet. A HEN. 121 I hav saw a human being do similar things, but they did it tew win a bet. To save a bet, is self-preseryashun, and self-preservashun, is the fust law ov hatur, so sez Blakstone, and he is the best judge ov law now living. If i couldn't be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit, tew be Blakstone, and compoze sum law. Thare iz one law i would compoze, which iz this, " no yung snob shall walk on 5th avenew on the Sabbath day, and twitch hiz hat oph more than two times, on each block, to persons on the opposite side ov the street, whom he dont kno, and who dont know him. I would hav this law compozed in brass, and send a coppy ov it to all the bar tenders, and cigar shop clerks, in the city. This would soon put a stop-tew this kind ov snobosity. But notwithstanding all this, a hen continues tew be a darn phool. I like all kinds ov phools, they cum nearer ftew filling their destiny than ennyboddy i kno ov. They don't never make enny blunders, but tend rite tew bizzness. The principal bizzness, ov an able boddyed hen, iz tew lay eggs, and when she hlaz laid 36 ov them, then she iz ordained tew set still on them, until they are born, this iz the way ynng. hens fust see life. The hen haz tew spred herself pretty well tew cover 36 eggs, but i hav seen her do it, and hatch out 36 yung hens. When a hen fust walks out, with 36 yung hens supporting her, the party looks like a swarm ov bumble bees. Thare aint nothing phoolish in all this, but yu put 36 white stuns, under this same hen, and she will set thare till she hatches out the stones. I hav seen them do this too-i dont wish tew say, that i hav seen 'them hatch out the stones, but i hav seen them set on the stones, untill i left that naberhood, which waz two years ago, and i dont hesitate tew say, the hen iz still at work, on that same job. page: 122-123[View Page 122-123]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 122-123 122 ANIMATED NATUR. Noboddy but a phool would stik tew bizzness az cluss az this. Hens are older than Methuseler, and gro older till they die. Now I dont want it understood, that enny one hen ken, kan cornmense life, with the usual kapital, and live 999 yeqrs. This waz the exact age ov Methuseler, if I have been informed correktly. I simply want tew be understood, that hens (az a spec- iality) laid, cackled, and sot a long time before Methuseler did. After reading this last statement over agin, i dont kno az i make myself fluently understood-yet. I dont undertake tew say, that Mr. Methuseler, caclcled, and sot, what i want tew prove, iz the falit, that hens were here, and doing bizzness in their line, before Methuseler waz. Now I hav got it. Thare iz one thing about a hen that looks like wisdum, they don't cackle mutch untill after they have laid their egg. Sunm pholks are alwus a bragging, and a cackling, what they are going tew do before-hand. A hen will set on one egg just az honest az she will set on- 36 eggs, but a hen with one chicken iz always a painful sight tew me. I never knm an only chicken do fust rate, the old hen spiles them waiting on them, and then it tires out the old hen, more than 36 chickens would. I think this rule works both ways, among poultry, and among other pholks. I have seen a hen set on 36 duck eggs, and hatch the whole ov them out. and then try tew learn them tew skratch in the garden. But a ducks phoot aint bilt right for skratching in the ground, it iz better composed for skratching in the water. When the young ducks takes tew the water, it iz melan- kolly, and hart brakeing, tew see the old hen, stand on the brim ov the mil pond, and wring her hands, and holler tew the ducks, tew come right strate out ov that water, or they will all git drowned. A HEN. 123 I have seen this did, too, but i never see the ducks come out till they got reddy, nor never see a young duck git drowned. - Yu kant drown a young duck, they will stand az mutch water az a sponge will. One egg, per diem, iz all that a ben ought to lay, espeshily a nu beginner, but there iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, who claim they ought \ A -. t'n tew lay two. G \ v o This needs more t!\ 'v"i testimony. Az an artikle ov - f diet, thare is but phew things that sur-. pass cooked hen, if eaten in the days ov their youth and inno- sensei but after they "/f //, git old, and kross, they kontrakt a hab- - , it ov eating tuff. After thinking the - thing over, and over, '" and over, I am still - - - prepared tew say, -I that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kan fix it. I don't speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only shows that natur dont even make a phool without a destiny Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won't git few be worth over 25 cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one ov the luxurys ov life. Thare iz grate proffit, and sum loss, in razeing chickens, the loss iz the heavyest when sum boddy brakes into the chicken coop, and steals all the chickens. Thare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but the old-fashioned speckled hen breed iz the most flattering. page: 124-125[View Page 124-125]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 124-125 124 ANIMATED NATUR. After they hav laid an egg, they aint afraid tew say so, and kan outkackle all other breeds ov liens, and when yu' come tew scratching up a garden, they are wuth two ov enny ' other kind. I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew see an old speckled hen cum sputtering oph fromn- her nest and pitch, feet fuit, into a new made garden. I suppoze if I KSvned the garden this thing might not look so phunny tew me, but yu see, I dont own enny garden. I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men who 'dont own enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered if it want just about az proffitable for me tew enjoy the skratching up ov the garden, and let them other folks who own the hens and the garden do their own gitting mad and swearing. THE GOTE. THE gote iz a koarse wollen sheep. They hav a split hoof and a whole tail. They hav a good appetite, and a sanguine digestion. They swallo what they eat, and will eat ennything they kan bite. Their moral karakters are not polished, they had ratlher steal a rotten turnip, out ov a garbage-box, than tew cum honestly bi a pek ov oats. The male gote haz two horns on the ridge ov hiz bed, and a mustash on hiz bottom lip, and iz the plug ugly ov hiz naber- hood. A maskuline gote will fite ennything, from an elephant down to hiz shadder on a ded wall. They strike from their but-end, insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit, az a hammer iz a nailhed. They are a hi seazoned animal, az mutch so az a pound ov assifidity. THE GOTE. 125 They are faithful critters, and will stick tew a friend az long az he livs iin a shanty. . They kan klime ennything but a greast pole, and kno the way up a rock, az natral az a woodbine. They are az certain tew raize az yung ones, sum familys are haff gotes, and the other haff children. - They are good eating when they are yung, but they leave it oph az they git stronger. They are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stumick, what they eat seems to all go to appetight, yu mite az well agree tew phatt an injun-rubber over shew bi filling it with klam shells, az tew raize enny adipoze membrane on the out- side bust ov a gote. A phatt gote would be a literary curiosity. They use the same dialekt az the sheep, and the yung ones speak the language more fluently than the parients do. Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko -one iz a man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands it the most, for he swallbrs the spit, chaw and all. The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philoso- phy looking old cuss, and wouldnWt make a bad proffessor ov arithmetik in sum ov our colleges. They are handy at living a long time, reaching an advanced age without arriving at enny definite konklusion. How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man now old enuff tew tell. Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv a good-sized guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, Methuzeler aint here. Gotes will liv in enny klimate, and on enny vittles, except tanbark, and if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a pro- found sekret, in the hands of a few, to this day. I wouldn't like tew beleave enny man under oath who had ever seen a maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so. Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if a man should liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav one eye tew see things with, he would Ilav to hav an addishun bilt onto the back ov hiz head tew sto away things into. page: 126-127[View Page 126-127]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 126-127 126 ANIMATED NATUR. The femail gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov the male gote, ackording tew the prevailing circumstansis in the case, or else i labour under a delusion, i forget witch. They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, in twelve hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in vari- ous ways. This milk, whitch is extrakted from the' female gote, iz excellent tew finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them bellycose, and fightful. It iz not unkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pug- nashus fluid, to let oph hiz left colleckshun or diggit and ketch the nurse on the pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret. This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the reazon whi, in after life, these same babes make such brilliant hits. In writing the history ov the male and female gote tew adorn the pages ov futer times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck tew the truth, and haven't allowed mi imaginashun tew boss the job. A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mis- take opinyuns for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, but when i strike a goose, or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one thing, i stay with them.-Finis. GOOSE TATL. THE goose is a grass-animal but don't chaw her end. They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz sum folly who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, iz nearer right. These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, which will finally win. GOOSE TALK 127 But i don't think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl. paid for, that i would sell it for half what it was worth, just be- kauze it didn't hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, 70 years, and grow tuff tew the last. They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg, in which the gosling lies. hdd. i 1 The gosling iz the 'I{l goose's babe. N The goose don't w suckle kiz young, but turns him 'out ew pas- ture on sumboddy's vacant lot. They seem tew lack on the goose. ing, but not good chaw- bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they show tthr the leasont bit o sas. The geese iz excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful. They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss. But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, anul not tutch e g up with their body, and stands. I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this. page: 128-129[View Page 128-129]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 128-129 128 ANIMATED NATUR. "THE CLAM." THE clam iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents at a young and tender age, but don't bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along. Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must hav a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and a]ltho they sumtimnes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew fulllov, tongue tew be glib. Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov. SNAILS, SNAIKS, AND BABYS. THE slowest gaited animal on the face ov the earth iz the snail. They are one ov the phew who talke their house with them, when they go away from home. Snails are sed tew be delikate eating, but if i kan hav all the hash i want, i will try and struggle along without any snail. You kant phool me with hash, I kno how that iz made, but i don't kno how snail are put together. Ignorance iz sed tew be bliss, and i hav often thought that it waz, and if i don't never kno how snails taste, i don't think now i shall repent ov it. STRIPED SNAKE. 129 It haz always been a source ov mnutch doubt with me, in mi hours ov contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail or hiz shell, but if i don't know even this, i don't mean tew git mad about it. I hav grate phaith in enny .job that naturturnsout, MoM-- and i had rather hav s. L..! "i it phaith than knowl- i edgea it saves a grate deal ov hard work. It costs a grate deal tokn all about t hings, and then yul ain't ce r t a i n, bu t it phaith iz cheap, and , don't make enny -- -- blunders. Science iz smart, =-f but she kant tell yu what makes the g , flowers -b 1 us h so menny different col- ors, but phaith can. Science on a deth bed iz a pigmy, but phaith iz a giant. STRIPED SNAKE. The striped snake iz one ov the slipperyest Jtobs that natur ever turned loose. They travel on the lower side ov themseIfs, and kan slip out ov sight like blowing out a kandle. They were made for sum good purpose, but i never hav bin informed for what, unless it waz tew hav their heds smashed. They are sed tew be innocent, but they hay got a bad repu, tashuni and all the innocence ia the world won't kure a bad reputashun. They liv in the grass but seldom gi't stept on, belkauze they don't stay long enuff in the right- place. 9:; page: 130-131[View Page 130-131]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 130-131 130 ANIMATED NATUR. When i waz a little boy, and wore naked feet, and waz loaf. ing around loose for strawherrys, i waz often times just a go, ing tew-step on a striped snaik, but it alwus', cured me ov strawherrys. . If a striped snaik got into a 10-aker lot before i did, i alwus konsidered that all the strawherrys in that lot belonged tew the snaik. , "Fust cum, fust sarve," was mi motto. I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and if i should liv tew be az oldcaz Nebudkennezer waz, and go tew grass as he did, one striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good pasture for me. Winmmin don't-luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt her for this. How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust class mistery tew me, and if i hadn't read it in the bible, i would bet aginst it. I beleave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant understand, I beleave the most. I wouldn't swop oph the phaith i hav got for anyliving man's knoweledge. Snaiks are all sorts, and all sizes, and the smaller they are, the more i am afrade ov them. I wouldn't buy a farm at haff price that had a striped snaik on it. Ded snaik are a weakness with me; i always respekt them, and whenever i see a ded one in the road, i dont drop a tear on him, but i drop another stone on him, for fear he might alter his mind and cum tew life agin, for a snaik hates tew die just az much az a kat duz. I never could ackount for a snaik or a kat hateing tew die so bad, unless it waz bekauze they waz so poorly prepared for deth. BABYS. Babys i luv with. all mi heart; they are mi sweetmeats, they warm up mi blood like, a gin sling, they krawl into me and 4 BABY'S. 131 nestle by the side ov mi soul, like a kitten under a cook stove. I hav raized babys miself, and kno what i am talking about. I hav got grandchildren, and they are wuss than the fust krop tew riot amung the feelings. If i could hav mi way, i would change all the human beings now on the face ov the earth back into babys at once, and keep them thare, and make this footstool one grand nussery; but what i should do for wet -nusses i don't kno, nor don't care. I would like tew have 15 babys now on mi lap, and mi lap ain't the handyest lap in the world for babys, neither. My lap iz long enuff, but not the widest kind ov a lap. I am a good deal ov a man, but i konsist ov length princi- pally, and when i make a lap ov miself, it iz not a mattrass, but more like a couple ov rails with a jint in them. I can hold more babys in mi lap at once, than any man in Amerika, without spilling one, but it hurts the babys. I never saw a baby in mi life that i didn't want tew kiss; i am wuss than an old maid in this respekt. I hav seen babys that i hav refused tew kiss untill they had been washt; but the baby want tew blame for this, neither waz i. Thare are folks in this world who say they don't luv babys, but yu kan depend upon it, when they waz babys sumboddy loved them. Babys luv me, too. I kan take them out ov their mothers' arms just az eazy az i kan an unfleged bird out ov hiz nest. They luv me bekauze i luv them. And here let me say, for the comfort and consolashun ov all mothers, that whenever they see me on the cars or on the steambote, out ov a job they needn't hesitate a minnit tew drop a clean, fat- baby into mi lap; i will hold it, and kiss it, and be thankful besides. Perhaps thare iz' people who don't envy me all this, but it "one ov the sharp-cut, well-defined joys ov mi life, mi love. for babys and their love for me. Perhaps thare iz people who will call it a weakness, i don't page: 132-133[View Page 132-133]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 132-133 132: ANIMATED NATUR. care what they call it, bring on the babys. Unkle Josh haz always a kind word and a kiss for the babys. I love babys for the truth thare iz in them, i aint afraid their kiss will betray me, their iz no frauds, ded beats nor counterfits among them. I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more. "THE CRAB." 'TATUR is fond ov a joke. 1 She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out, doors on the land as, long az they kan find ennything tew bite. They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the star- board side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one. They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin ; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw. They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, arid then they are done, and are et by throw- ing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal' like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grass- hopper's leggs. It is considered a good day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin. ESSA ON SWINE. HOGS generally are quadriped. The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since. THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO. 133 There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain't mutch more waste in them than thare iz in-a oyster. Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells. Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don't ask enny foolish questions. They never hav enny, disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them. Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them. Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab. Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them. They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain. They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt. The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain't enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same. hole to git out at, espeshy if yu are at all anxious they should. IIogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the- same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog. THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO. mHE cat, iz called a domestik animile,--but i never hav bin able tew tell wharefore. j You kant trust one, enney more than yu kan a case ov the gout. Thare iz only one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a cat with, and cum out even, and that iz, a bar ov hard sope. They are az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Ju- dus Iskaratt. page: 134-135[View Page 134-135]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 134-135 134 ANIMATED NATUR. They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for Jyu, and then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov in- her, i - sxiteseolpjured innocence, and ch sitcken, and dream ov their ch ilmdhik. All thare iz, 'sure Bu the os-t w u iabout a cat, that iz domestik, that i kno ovy iz, that yu kant looze one. You kant looze a cat,-they are az hard to looze, az a bad rep- i it wpgutashuniz. You may send one out ov the state, dun up in a meal bag, and marked, "C. O. D.," and the next morning yu will find him, or her, (accordin tew sex) in the same old spot, along side of the kitchen stve, reddy tew be stepped on. Cats has got two good ears for melody, and often make the night atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik. But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin dis- kovered yet, iz their fear ov death. Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov death,--they aktually skorn tew die. You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they will begin life anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering prospektus. Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and kant hide them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried in their stumuk, az unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy else. THE K RANGAOO. 135 Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they are verry cheap,-a little money,-well invested,--will go a grate ways, in cats. Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted 18 from my boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last summer, and it want a fust rate night for cats neither. The Kangaroois an overgrown monkey. They are fello- citizens ov Afrika, and spend most ov their lezzure moments on foot. They hav four legs, but their fore legs aint ov mutch use to them; they do most ov their acktual bizzness with their hind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz-on the jump. Kangarooes are yerry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika -had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with other peeple, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what to do with. Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump ennything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole herd ov deer. A kangaroo's tail iz a living kuriosity; in its general habits it looks and akts like a rat's tail, but in size you must multiply it by six thousand and upwards. What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz both- ered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, at one ov their scientifick. meetings they -hav giv it up. The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, but they seldom giv a thing up; butthe kangaroo's tail waz too mutch for them. But a kangaroo's tail don't bother me enny more than a kite's tail duz; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. 'Whenever i cum acrost ennything in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders in the animals; if she has failed ennywhare, it iz in man. page: 136 (Illustration) [View Page 136 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 136 (Illustration) 136 ANIMATED NATUR. Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and git- ting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up. THE CODFISH. THE codfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for their being so salt. They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel trap, and hang on like a poor relation. They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry. Dried codfish iz one ov the- luxurys of life, but codfish three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them. Codfish never venture in fresh water; they would soon spile if they did. I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like it better than fishing for frogs. I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist upon their takling themselfs off from the hook. I had rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i am afraid ov their kicking. Sum people ain't afraid to take ennything with their hlands, that they can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git caught by an eel, if i couldn't settle with him, right off, by giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into the bargin and put for home. The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof from the otherfish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy. T hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, -but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him than it iz tew his blood. ANIMATED N TR. In search ov Liinugstone-In Afrika they rein Osstriges page: -137[View Page -137]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -137 *- I THE MACKREL.-THE POLLYWOGG. 137 ^ THE MACKREL. THE mackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well ed- ukated, for they are always in schools. They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook. They ainkt the only kind ov fish that -are caught by the same kind of bait. Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the gro- cerys alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted on salt. They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want a good deal ov freshning afterward. If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfasst i can generally make the other two meals out ov cold water. Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that swims, and are called " the salt of the earth." THE POLLYWOGG. THE pollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging. After he haz got through. pollyrwogging he makes up hiz mind that this world want made for pollywogs and " nothing venture nothing have," and then he turns hiz attenshun tew bigger things. I-e looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdy- ing the various animals ov creashun, he cums tew the kon- klusion that the best thing he kan do iz tew bekum a frog. This iz the way that frogs fust curn tew be made, and pol- lywoggs tew be lost. The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov hiz summers upon land. He haz tew fite hiz way through life, and generally goes on the jump. Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often page: 138-139[View Page 138-139]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 138-139 138 ANIMATED NATUR. runs hiz hed aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at him, but hiz two mortal enemys are the frenchman and the striped snaik. The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the snaik swallows him whole. I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the snake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life. If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, for a snake kant travel a tree. I don'tkno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swop- ping himself oph for a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never -hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experi- ence. If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happi- ness to sell, for I am one ov them happy phellows who never found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through the kindness of experience. THE BULL HE AT). "IS remarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young lizzards and dirt. They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out enny- thing that they kan swallo. They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides ov their hed, and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed penknife, with the blades all open to onst. , They are like a kat, yu. hav got to skin them before they are fit to eat, and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set them away in the cupboard until they git cold, they will be- gin life anew, and bekum az raw az a live mule. They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan. I don't advise enny man to fish for bull. heads, but if yu feel az tho yu must, this iz the only best way to do it. MUDTUvKLES. 139 Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov june; steal out quietly from home; tell yure folks yu are going tew the nabors to borry a setting of hen's eggs; find a saw log on the banks ov a stagnant mill-pondj one end of which lays in the water; drive the mudturkles and water snaiks oph from the log; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang down in the water up tew yure garters; bait yure hook with a chunk ov old injun rubber shoe; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, take them by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto the saw log; when yu hav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder the saw log, and leave for home; git up the next morning early, skin the bull heds, and split up the saw log into kind- ling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast, and sware the whole family to keep dark about it. This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do with bull heads. MUDTURKLES. '/i'UDTURKLES liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch k/L attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsi- pally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz laf land, and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az " close korporashuns," and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudtur- kle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe, and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults, page: 140-141[View Page 140-141]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 140-141 "O ANIMATED NATUR. but tha won't lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thlare sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. I take a deep interest in moste awl the animails, and particu- larly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature ill their wisdum won't pass a law "prohibiting enny more mud- turkles." I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in htle habiAt of using mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a reve- new stamp onto it. THE FLY. THE fly iz not only a domestik, but a friendly insek, with- out branes, but happily without guile. They make their appearance amung mankind, a good deal az the wind duz, " whare it listethh. How they are ex- actly born, i haven't been able yet -tew in investigate, but they are so universal at t imes, that i hallv t h o g h t, and-= tiwhatwethey didn't wait tew be born, but took the fust good chance that was offered, and cron just az they am. They are sed tew be m1uale and feniail, but dent think they kon- sider the marriage tie binding, for they look, THE FLY. so mutch alike, that it would be a grate waste ov time, finding out wich g'az who, and this would lead tew nlever encling fites, wich izt the rA1- barb ov donestik life. THE FLY. 141 They make their annual visit about the first ov May, but don't git tew buzzing good till the center bov August. They stay with uz untill kold weather puts in an appearance, and then leave, a good deal az they cum, jist az they am. Menny ov them are kut oph in the flower ov their-yuth, and usefullness, but this don't interfere with their census,.for their iz another steps right into their place, and heirs their prop- erty. Sum looze their lives bi lighting too near the rim ov a toad's noze, and fall in, when the tfid gape, and others git badly stuck bi phooling with mollassis. Sum visit the spiders, and are induced tew remain, and thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned in milk cans. The fly iz no respektQr ov pussuns, he lights onto the pouting lips ov a sleeping darkey, jist az eazy az he duz onto the buz- zurn ov the queen ov buty, and will buzz an Alderman, or a hod-carrier, if they git in his way. Flys, moraly konsidered, are like a large share ov the rest ov human folks, they wont settle on a good healthy spot in a man, not if they kan find a spot that iz a leetle raw., Their principal food iz every thing, they will pitch into a ded snaik, or a quarter ov beef, with the same anxiety, and will eat from sun rise, till sevbn o'clock in the evening, with- out getting more than haft phull. They will eat more, and hold less, than enny bug we kno OV. The fly haz a remarkable impoverished memory, yu may drive him out ov yure ear; adtd he will land on yure forhed, hit him aginly, and he enters yure noze, the oftner yu git rid ov him in one spot, the more' he gets onto another; the only way tew inculcate him with yure meaning, iz tew smash him up, fine. Naturalists dont tell us all about the soshull habits ov the fly, but i beleave they hav temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, I never saw a fly the wuss ' for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor the wuss for flies. page: 142-143[View Page 142-143]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 142-143 "2 ANIMATED NATUR. They hav a big appetight for gitting into things, they are the fust at the dinner table, and alwus take soup, and dont leave untill the- cloth iz removed. Flys see a grate deal ov good sosiety, they are admitted in- to all circles, and if they remember one haff that they see and hear, what a world ov phunny sekrets they could unfold; but flys are perfekly honorable, and never betray a konfidencc. What would sum lovers giv, if they could only git a fly tew blab, but a fly iz a perfek gentleman, he eats oph from your plate, enjoys yure conversashun, sees sights' and haz more phun, and privilege, than aprrime minister, or a dressing maid, but when yu cum tew pump him, he iz az dry in the mouth, az a salt codfish. Thare iz sumthing a fly will blow, but he wont blow a se- kret. Flys i think, inust be born whole, for i never saw a haff born fly, they are all ov a size when yu fust see them, like a paper ov pins, and never git enny smaller. I dont kno ov a more happy, whole souled, honest critter, among the bug dispensation, than a hansum, square bilt fly, taking a free ride in central park, with the Mayor and hiz wife, or a free lunch at Delmonico's, with the minister from England, and then finishing up the bizzness ov the day, by sleeping upside down, on the ceiling ov my ladys bed cham- 'ber. But thare iz plenty ov pholks who kant see enny phun, or religion in a fly, whoze whole aim iz tew set molasses traps for them, tew chase them out ov the house with a sled stake, and then clear across a ploughed'lot onto the next farm, tew git lip nights in their stocking feet, tew worry them, with the tongs, tew drive them tew the brink ov despair, and finally ruin them, with deth. I thank the Lordi ain't one ovthoze, i don't luv a fly enuff, tew leave mi yittles, and fall down flatt on mi stummuk, and worship them, but a fly may cum and sit on mi noze, all day, and chaw hiz cud in silence, if he will only sit still. Flys tickle me, but they don't make me sware, it takes a * . * THE CROW. 143 bedd bug, at the hollow ov night, a mean, loafing bed bugg, who steals out ovy a krack in the wall, az silently az the swet on a dog's noze, and then creeps az soft az a shadder, on tew mi tenderest spot, and begins tew bore for my ile, it takes one ov theze foul fiends ov blood, and midnite, tew make me sware, a word ov two sillables. A fly, the dear, little, social innocent, kant make me aware, not even an abreviated dam. I dispize enny men who sware, it iz not only wicked, but always smells ov whiskey. This essa, on the little fly, who visit us, in the spring ov the year, just az they am, will not interest the exceeding lit- erary, or thoze who think they hav discovered poetry in their sile, it takes the essa on the life, and deth, ov an orphan rose- bud, or the golden sheen ov a sassy moonbeam, dancing in a budoir tew the dreams ov a restive beauty, it takes sumthing ov this breed, tew fetch them. ' THE CROW. ITEXT to the monkey, the crow haz. the most deviltry to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb. If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz bekause the thing ain't big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool' than one tame crow. Crows live on, what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint tied down. ' They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side ov a mountain. They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to page: 144-145[View Page 144-145]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 144-145 "4 ANIMATED NATUR. cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand, thoroughly; long praktiss has made them perfekt. The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a black- smith, and the cold likea -stun wall. They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would hatch out if they was laid in a snow bank,--thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow. Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to die a natral deth, and don't believe they kno how., They are alwus; thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor inside and out. They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sum- whare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled crow 2 times. This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true, i aint tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn't; if i had i wculd hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff. THE BUMBLE BEE. pH E Bumble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets. 1 They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a fellow only knew how. They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numnbering about 75 or 80 souls. - They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men in this respekt. Their principle bizziness iz making poor honey, but they don't make enny to sell. Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer's work; but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that iz their helm. I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is be- tween here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew -hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin. , . " ' THE ROBBING. 145 THE ROBBING. THE robin haz a red brest. They hav a plaintiff song, and sing az tho they waz sorry for sum thing. They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to winter. They git their name from their grate ability for robbing a cherry tree. They kan also robin a currant bush fust rate, and are smart on a goose berry. If a robin kant find enny thing else tew eat, they aint tew fastidious tew eat a ripe strawherry. 'X'" ' ^^N They build their nest out ov mud, and p o strpaw, and say 4 eggs, that are speckled. it Four yung rob- r u bings, in a nest, that o are just hatched out, and still on the half- shell, are alwus az t I mouths all fly open at once, so 'that yu kan see, clear down tew their npalates. If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov course, we should all be et up by the catterpillars, and snakes, but i has thoughlt, it wouldn't be enny thing more than common politeness, for the robbings, tew let us has, now, and then, just one ov our own cherriz, tew see how they did taste.. lot page: 146-147[View Page 146-147]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 146-147 "6 ANIMATED NATUR. THE SWALLO. THE swallo iz a lively bird. Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and alwns in a twitter about sumthing. They hav az mutch twitter, as a boarding skool miss. They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crook- ider. I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss enuff tew take the cream off from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and not touch the water. When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz an old proverb, (one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, "one swallo dont make a spring." This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that would make a grate menny swallows. Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, and take a grate deal ov exercise in the open air. They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor out ov hiz bill. They dont waste enny time in the morning making their toilett, but like the' flowers, shake oph the dew from their beds, and are reddy for bizzness. I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless than a swallo, they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as the air they swim in, they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch longer, than a trout will. THE BAT. THE bat is a winged mouse. They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum out for a frolik. . They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az tho they had taken a little too mutch gin. THE HAWK. 147 They look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite like a snappin turkle What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they kan tell neither. They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of live hash, made out ov all three. If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while,. just for fun. But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, laid by acksident, we kan form sumkind ov an idea, how little we know, and what a poor job we should make ovit, running the machinery of kreashun. Man iz a phool enny how, and the. best ov the joke iz, he don't seem tew kno it. Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill it better than we do ours. Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the hawks, i kant tell. Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it wasn't, but i dont hope i shall ever be: called upon tew de- cide it. Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i think it duz, i wouldn't ask for a seckond plate ov it. THE HAWK. THE hawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one too, every good chance hle kan git. I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov the skey, like a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin in each hand, and sore aloft agin pretty quick. They bild. their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so page: 148-149[View Page 148-149]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 148-149 "8 ANIMATED NATUR. that no mishionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well. Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civil- ize a hawk clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes a big charge ov this too. I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with fine shot, and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 4 quarts ov oats would hav, on an old hoss, it made them more lively for a fu minnits. I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over them. I dont surpose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but i hav wondered, if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an assort- ment, wouldn't answer. THE A'EDT)DO MOLE. IIE meddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i dont kno which. They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for a living. They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch augur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one night, and never cum once tew the surface. They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika. How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs misterys, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur that makes mankind respektful. If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most enny boddy would think they could beat her. But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and then laffs at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right. I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz THE POSSUM. 149 so mutch meat fixings with french, and dutch names on the bills, that they. may be thar. I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch. A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid common vittles in english. THE POSSIUJI. fTHE possum iz a fello ov the Southern and Western States. He owns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat boddy, and a poor tail. He enjoys roots, chickens, grass, eggs, green korn, and lit- tle mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats. Iliz b'oddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a dirty white complexion; hiz feet and fingers resemble the rack- koon, hiz ears are a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail. iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the snails stummuk. The possum's tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour; i hav studdyed it, and tried tew parse it; i hav figgered on it az cluss az i would a proposishun in Euklid; i hav hung over it az fondly az a kemist; i hav fretted and wondered, hav got mad, wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whi a possum should hav a hairless caudel. If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain this tale to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to him, free from cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital importance thare iz in being bolegged, two misterys which are only known to the Billings family. The possum iz a lonesumn and joyless vagabond, living just near enuff to the smoke ov a climbly tew pick up a transient goslin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck fast. Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems tew hav an affinity, ov a -moral natur, for the possum, and that page: 150-151[View Page 150-151]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 150-151 150 ANIMATED NATUR. iz a darkey. They are the nigger's poultry and roast lamb. The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take either. Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire different principal from the goose. Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in mark- et from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is ampu- tated. A possum's tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage to any enterprizing man. Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early eduka- shun has bin neglekted. Thare iz only one thing about a possum's skin different from a boss hide, they don't shed their hair, evry hair is drove in and clinched on tuther side. Possum's hMv butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a- kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs. But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch. I mean tuffness and cunning If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo oy the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and dies az ded az a two dollar watch. The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that "dis possum hab been eating pizen ;" take him by the tail and send him buzzing into a brush heep. Many a possum haz- saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thu's loozeing it. I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav THE CURSID MUSIETO. 151 seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the underbrush. If thare iz enny boddy who don't beleave this i don't care, i only write what i know, and don't hold miself liable for other folks' ignorance. Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a nig- ger in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pat- tent leather. If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for. him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me. I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt. Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family. The muskrat and the possum hav 'similar tales, but the muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum never bathes in ennything but chicken blood. The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster's spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy else haint bin able tew edukate yet. THE CURSID MUSOKETO. DEAR -- :-Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite bi mail, and i hurry tew repli. The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen point, in the dominion ov Nu Jersey. They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for them iz verrv unstiddy-the grate supply injures the de- mand. Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a paying krop, altho they often beat that. They don't require enny nussing, and the poorer the land the bigger the yield. page: 152-153[View Page 152-153]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 152-153 152 ANIMATED NATUR. If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would do thare tew git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultiva- ted land thare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit. The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don't waste enny time; they are alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz, and kan bight 10 minnitts after they iE CVRS'I)D M'ETO'. tew sare h born justaz flu- ently az ever.' T-thaare ia people The musketo is world so insex; they ik verry on ko t ennytary at heart,i and se ignorant that theywont see enny wisdum but ain having " musketeters arounde alwus pitty sutch pholks--their edu- kashun haz been Wisdum iz like duks eggs--if yu git them, yu hay got ME CURSiD MsUETO. tow sarch for them --thare aint no duks in theze benighted days 'lint will cum and la eggs in yure hand-not a duk, Mr. not a duk. The musketo is a soshul insex; they liv verry thick amungst each other, and luv the sosiety ovman also, but don't kont'akt enny Ov hiz vices. Yu never -see a musketer that was a defaulter; they never fail to cum to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the effort. The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can't sing won't bight; this information may be ov grate use to science, but aint worth mutch to a phellow in a hot fiite whare mus- keeters are plenty. THE CURSID MUSKETO. 153 If thare ain't but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun. The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear-them. They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argu- ment. I say bully for the muskeeter! The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt. -he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lo esum marsh, 1600 mle-s from the nearest nabor, without eve tasting blood, and be happy all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy's bed-room thru the key-hole, and take hiz rashuns reglar,- and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun. It don't kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp fog. The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a fine busst, a sharp tooth and and a reddy wit. 'He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and alwus lights onto a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises. I positively fear a musketo. In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az a pair ov empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov the room slowly but surely working hiz way up to yu, sing- ing that same hot old sissing tune ov theirs, and harking to feel the exackt spot on yure face whare they intend tew lokate, iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me; i had -rather look for- ward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto me. The musketo haz no friends, and but phew associates; even a mule dispizes them. But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov them ; i hav seen pholks who had rather hav a minuskeeter lite onto them than to have a trakt peddler lite onto them; i hav seen pholks who were so tuff aginst anguish that a muskeeter mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their dagger in up tew the hilt in vain. page: 154-155[View Page 154-155]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 154-155 154 ANIMATED NATUR I envy these people their moral stamina, for next tew be- ing virtewous i would like tew be tuff. This life iz phull ovpesky muskeetos, who are alwus a look- ing for a job, alwus reddy tew stik a thissell into yu sum whare, and sing while they are doing it. Dear Mr. ---, pardon me for saying so mutch about the cursid miuskeeto, but ov all things on this arth that travel, or set still, for deviltry, thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny beastess, that i dred more, and luv less, than i do this same little gray wretch, called cursid muskeeter. THE HORNET. THE hornet is an inflamibel bugger, sudden in hiz impres- shuns and hasty in hiz conclusion, or end. Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, " git out ov mi way."- They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a waist spot, but their phisikal importance lays at the terminus ov their subburb, in the shape ov a javelin. This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at a minnit's warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az spry az litening, and az full ov melankolly az the toothake. Hornetsnever argy a case; they settle awl ov their differ- ences ov opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az cer- tain tew hit az a mule iz. This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about one hundred souls, but whether they are male and female, or conservative, or matched in bonds ov wedlock, or whether they are Mormons, and a good menny ov them klub together and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont. kno nor dont kare. I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never consider- ed it helthy. THE HORNET. 155 Hornets bild their nests whenever they take a noshun to, and seldom are disturbed, for what would it profit a man tew kill 99 hornets and hav the one hundredth one hit him with hiz javelin? They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admission, and the nest iz the shape ov an overgrown pine-apple, and iz cut up into just az menny bedrooms az thare iz hornets. It iz very simple tew make a hornets nest if yu kan, but i will argue enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one that he could sell tew a hornet for half price. Hornets are az bizzy az their second couzzins, the bee, but what they are about the lord only knows, they dont lay up enny honey, nor enny money, they seem tew be bizzy only jist for the sake ov working all the time, they are alwus in az mutch ov a hurry az tho they waz going for a doktor. I suppose this uneazy world would grind arownd on its ax- letree onst in 24 hours, even if thare want enny hornets, but hornets must be good for sumthing, but i kant think now what it iz. Thare haint been a bug made yet in vain, nor one that want a good job, thare iz ever lots ov human men loafing around black smith shops, and cider mills, all overthe country, that dont seem tew be necessary for ennything but tow beg plug tobacco and swear, and steal water-melons, but yu let -the cholera bralke out once, and then yu will see the wisdum ov having jist sich men laying around loose, they help count. Next tew the cockroach, who stands tew the hoed, the hor- net haz got the most waste stummuk, in reference tew the rest ov hiz boddy, than enny ov the insek populashun, and here iz another mistery: what on arth duz a hornet want so mutch reserve corps for. I hav jist thought-tew carry hiz javelin in, thus you see, the more we diskover about things the more we are apt to knowr. It iz alwus a good purchase tew pay out our last surviving dollar for wisdum, and wisdum iz like the misterious hens egg, page: 156-157[View Page 156-157]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 156-157 156 . ANIMATED NiATUR. it aint laid in yure hand, but iz laid away under the barn, and yu hav got tew sarch for it. The hornet iz an unsoshall kuss, he iz -more haughty than he iz proud, he iz a thorough bred -bug, but hiz breeding and refinement haz made him like sum other folks i kno ov, dis- satisfied .with himself, and everyboddy else, too mutch good breding ackts this way sumtimes Hornets are long-lived-i kant: state jist how long their lives are, but i kno, from instinkt and observashun, that enny kritter, be he bug or be he devil, who is mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, gennerally outlives all his nabers. The only way tew git at the exact fiteing weight ov the hornet, is tew tutch hin, let him hit you once with his jave- lin, and you will be willing tew testify in court that sumbod- dy run a one-tined pitchfork into yer; and az for grit, i. will state for the informashun ov thoze who haven't had a chance- tew lay in their vermin wisdum az freely az i hav, that one single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp meeting! What the hornets do for amuzement iz another question i kant answer, but sum ov the best read, and heavyest thinkers amung the naturalists say they hav target excursions, and heave their javelins at a mark; but i don't imbibe this asser- shun raw, for i never knu cnny boddy, so bitter at heart az the hornets are, to waste a blow. Thare iz one thing that a hornet duz that i will giv him credit for on mi books-he alwus attends tew hiz own bizz- ness, and wont allow any boddy else tew attend tew it, and what he duz iz alwuz a good job, you never see them altering enny thing, if they make enny mistakes, it iz after dark,. and aint seen. If the hornets made haff az menny blunders az the men do, even with their javelins, everyboddy would laff at them. Hornets are clear in another way, they hav found out, bi trieing it, that all they kan git in this world, and bragon, iz their vittles, and clothes, and yu never see one, standing at THE RABBIT. 157 the corner ov a street, with a twenty-six inch face on, be- kauze sum bank had run oph, and took their money with him. In ending oph this essa, i will cum tew a stop, by conclud- ing, that if hornets waz a leetle more pensive, and not so darned peremptory with their javelins, they might be guilty ov less wisdum, but more charity. But yu kant alter'bug natur, without spileing it for enny. thing else, enny more than yu kan an elephant's egg. THE RABBIT. THE rabbit iz a kind ov long-eard and short-taled kat, and reside for a living all over the United States ov Amerika.' They are az harm- less, so far az pizon is consarned, az a yung goslin. They liv in holes in the ground, hol- -; - - let logs, and under brush heaps, and kan run faster aud stop ,(ffi , quicker than any 4 i or 6 legged brute. Their hind legs , are twice az long g; and twice az fast az their fore ones, and , } they seem tew be ' bilt best for running ,. ..,. up a hill, and back- Si ing down it. They- THE RABBIT. are all colors known tew the trade, except green; green rabbits are out ov fashion.' page: 158-159[View Page 158-159]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 158-159 158 ANIMATED NATUR. Rabbits bile eazy, and eat soft, and are sed tew be better vittles than the kat. I don't kno exacktly how menny rabbits thare are in the United States now, and never expekt tew kno, for thay kan hatch out, and spred faster than the meazles. One pair ov helthy and industrious rabbits will settle a whole township in 18 months, and begin tew emigrate into the jineing parts. Rabbits are az eazy tew kill az -a cucumber vine when it fust starts out ov the ground, and are az eazy tew ketch az a bad kold. Rabbits hav no kunning, and but little guile; i hav kept them az pets, and konsider them just about az safe az they are useless. Their fur iz of suln value, but they are az tender tew skin without tareing, az a biled potater. THE POODLE. T]HE poodle iz a small dog, with sore eyes, -and hid amungst J a good deal ov promiskuss hair., They are sumtimes white for color, and their hair iz tangled all over them, like the bed ov a yung darkey. They are kept az pets, and, like all other pets, are az stub- born az a setting hen. A poodle iz a woman's pet, and that makes them kind ov sakred, for whatever a woman luvs she worships. I hav seen poodles that i almost wanted tew swop places with, but the owners ov them didn't akt to me az tho they wanted tew trade for enny thing. Thare iz but phew things on the face ov this earth more utterly worthless than a poodle, and yet i am glad thare iz poodles, for if thare wasn't thare iz some people who wouldn't hav enny objekt in living, and hav nothing tew lIv. Thare iz nothing in this world made in vain, and poodles are good for fleas. THE PATRIDGE. 15D Fleas are also good for poodles, for they keep their minds employed scratching, and almost every boddy else's too about the house. I never knew a man tew keep a poodle. Man's natur iz too koarse for poodles. A poodle would soon fade and die if a ilaan waz tew nuss him. I don't expekt enny poodle, but if enny boddy duz giv me one he must make up hiz mind tew be tied onto a long stick every Saturday, and be used for washing the windows on the outside. This kind ov nussing would probably make the poodle mad, and probably he would quit, but i kant help it. If i hav got tew keep a poodle, he haz got tew help wash the windows every Saturday. I am solid on this pint. Bully for me. THE PATPIDGE, /HE partridge iz akind ov wild hen, and liv in the swamps, J and on the hill sides that are woody. They are verry eazy tew ketch with the -hand, if yu kan git near enuff tew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz al- wus diffikult for nu beginners. In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their winos on some deserted old log, and if yu draw ni unto them tew observe the musik, they will rize up, and kut a hole thru the air with a hum like a bullet. Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one hundred yards, i am authorized tew bet on this. The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, if they are not missed. It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on -the fly, espe- cially if a tree gets in the way. I hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost a grate deal ov time at it. * 'I s t, page: 160-161[View Page 160-161]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 160-161 160 ANIMATED NATUR. The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her eggs out az a cockroach iz who feels well, When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about with the old bird, they look like a lot ov last year's chestnut burs on legs. Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz born during the present century, but thare iz a grate menny pat- ridge around that waz with Noah in the ark, and they are az tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a hoss shu. But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i had rather hav broiled krow than broiled nmule just for a change. THE SNIPE. THE snipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out ov low, wet places quick, and git back again quick. They are pure game, and are shot on the move. They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and eat az eazy az sweetmeats. The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor's) and git a living bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and then punping the juices out with their tounge. I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet in the air and phell on to the hard ground, they would split open like an egg. This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it did, but after he hlaz seen it did, lie will feel different about it. THE COCKROACH. rHE cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization. He iz eazy-to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary kindness, and never deserting thoze who show him proper i aclts ov courtesy. THE COCKROACH. 161 We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the outward crust ov these fashionable insekts, that they are a highly successful intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, and the " artikilus bevo," or common Amerikan grasshopper. Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a diversity ov sentiment, upon matters so important to the peace ov mind and moral advancement ov mankind in the lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap the substrata ov all bug ethicks. But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they pleaze about the ansestral claims ov the cockroach it iz our bizzness and duty, az bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up az we find him, without caring a single, solitary curse, who hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually waz. Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous family, and that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, speaks louder than thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadul- terated natur. He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest provocation, like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious bed bugg, and untill leath, (or sum vile powder, the inven- shun ov man) knocks' at hiz front door, he and hiz brothers and sisters may be seen with the naked eye, ever and anon calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races between the butter plates. How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest material in market, and the most plenty, should be so deter- mined to rid the world ov evry living bug but himself. I dont doubt if. he could hav hiz own way for six years, evry personal cockroach would be knocked off from the bosom ov the footstool, and not even a pair ov them Heft to repair damages with. Suld iz man! The cockroach is born on the fust ov May and the, fust ov November semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days from date. They are born from an egg, four from each egg, and conse. "I page: 162-163[View Page 162-163]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 162-163 162 ANIMATED NATUR. quently they are all ov them twins. There is no such thing in the annals ov natur as a single cockroach. The maternal bug don't sett upon the egg as the goose doth, but leaves them' lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt mustard seed, and don't seem tew care a darn whether they get ripe or not. But I never knew a .cockroach egg fail few put in an appearance. They are as sure tew hatch out and run as Kanada thistles, or a bad kold. iThe cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They are always on the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good track, and a good day, cluss tew three minnitts. Their food seems tew consist, not so mutcll in what they eat as what they travel, and often finding them dead- in my soup at the boarding-house, I hav cum to the conclusion that a cockroach kan't swim, but they kan float. Naturalists hav also declared. that the cockroach has no double teeth. This is an important fackt, and ought tew be introduced into all the primary school books ov Amerika. But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg is the lovelyness ov their natures. They kan't bite nor sting, nor skratch, nor even jaw back. They are so amable that I hav even known them tew get stuck in the butter, and lay there all day, and not holler for help, and aktually die at last with a broken heart. To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining-little cusses, let the philosophick mind just for one moment comparie them to the. pesky flea, who light upon man in hiz strength and woman in her weakness like a red hot shot, or to the warb- ling musketo, wild from a Nuljersey cat-tail marsh, with hiz dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood; or, horror ov horrors! to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty like a starved leech. Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather visit knee deep among cockroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter's song in the THE MULE. 163 room jineing, or to know that thare waz just one bedbugg left in the world and he waz Waiting for mi kandle to go out and for me to pitch into bed. In .conclusion, to show 'that I aint fooling, i would be will- ing, if I had them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a small sized cockroach, and if the fellow complained that I had shaved him in the trade, I would return the cockroach and sware that we waz even. THE MULE. mHE mule is haf boss and haf Jackass, and then kums tu , a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, e x- cept a cro w- bar.- * Tha kant I hear ennyLE. quicker, nor ofurther enny ore than the boss , yand let them jump ot. big enuff for snow shoes. You kan trust t h e m with enny TRE MULE. one whose life aint worth eniny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep the. mules into a paster, is tu turn them in- to a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Thal are teddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckle berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels. page: 164-165[View Page 164-165]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 164-165 164: ANIMATED NATUR. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont thinki the Bible deludes tu them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal. *If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd noboddy sa t" ded mule." Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and mlan want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought-to be ex- empt by law from running'for the legislatur. Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanatwl, and sunk as soon as he touch- ed bottom, but he kept rite on. towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the wa- ter about2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auction- eer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient. 'BED IBUGS. INE V El see ennybody yet but what despised Bed Bugs. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things. They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep. THE FLEA. 165 A muskleto will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides-the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway- but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks outl a mellow place tew eat you. If i was ever in the. habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face. Bed bugs are- uncommon smart in a small way; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, wilh bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year. It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew, bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one. Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend ,to, are about the size ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled- up like a blister. It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them. If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy. If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant. be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foiler the same trade. , If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks. THE FLEA. lHE smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the Flea. They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot. page: 166-167[View Page 166-167]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 166-167 -166 ANIMATED NATUR. They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes. They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnitts, and leave him az freckled az the meazels. It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hay ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them. I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost. They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don't mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start ' bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever. Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don't stay long in a place. If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late. Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits. NOT ENNY SHANGH FOR MEE. HE shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung. He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peru- vian lama. He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing. } NOT ENNY SHANGHl FOR ME. 167 Tlha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle. Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe. Thare food consis ov'korn in the ear. Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks. Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oplh tew keep from tipping over. ilk, SHANGH.- and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over. Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu -hav tu- bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst. The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghs she has tew brood them standing and then page: 168-169[View Page 168-169]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 168-169 168 ANIMATED NATUR. kant kiver but 3 ov them-the rest stand around on the out- side, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan. The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand. I never owned but one and he got'choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it. Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi I Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckeess. Tlhey are domestick, and occasionally are tuff. This iz owing' tew their not being biled often enuff in their younger daze; but the hen ain't tew blame for this. Biled hen iz universally respekted. Thare'iz a grate deal ov originality tew the hen-exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark and sum say he didn't, So it goes, which and tuther. I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg; sBmtimes i think the egg waz-and su'mtimes i think the hen waz-and sumtimes i think i don't kno, and i kant tell now, whichl way iz right, for the life ov me. Laying eggs iz the hen's best grip A hen that kant lay eggs-iz laid out. One egg iz konsidered. a fair day's work for a lien. i hav herd ov their doing better, but i don't want a lien ov mine tew do it--it iz apt tew hurt their constitution and bye-laws, and thus impare their futer worth. The poet sez, butifully: i " Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen I "* I wish they'd let her bee; She used fe'w lay 2 eggs a day, And Sundays she'd lay 3." ' THE AUNT. 1G9 This sounds trew euuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thous- and dollars that it never took place. The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning- mill, by running oats thru it. Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze,--thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a general thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted-the best. The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up a garden. Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed. Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and--take it in egg. THE AIUNT. The ant iz a menny footted insekt. They live about one thousald five hundred-and fifty of them (more or less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their property in common. They hav no holydays, no eight-hotr sistem, nor never strike for enny higher wages. They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back door to their hearts. Their iz no sedentary loafers amung them, and y never see one out ov a job. page: 170-171[View Page 170-171]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 170-171 170 ANIMATED NATUR. They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, and eat on the run. Yu never see two ants argueing sum phoolish question that neither ov them didn't understand; they don't kare whether the moon iz inhabited, or not; nor whether a fish weighing two pounds, put into a pail owater allreddy phull, will make the pail slop over, or weigh more. They ain't a-hunting after the philosopher's stone, nor git- ting crazy over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes. They don't care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 millions ov- miles up in the air, nor whether the arth bobs around on its axes or not, so long az it don't bob over their korn krib and spill their barley.: They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working hard, living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by minding their own bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, tew make room for the next crop ov aunts. They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the Christian. If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down bi the side ov their hole in the. ground, and wonder how so menny kan liv so thick. If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be strengthened. If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit ov theze little atomns ov animated natur, every mountin on the buzzum ov the arth would, before this, hav bin levelled, and every inch ov surface would scream with fruitfulness, and countless lots ov human critters would hav bin added to the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on corn and other sass. I hav sot by the hour and a haff down near an aunt-hill, and marvelled; hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought how big must be the jackass who waz satisfied to beleave that even an ant, the least ov the bugs, could hav been created,. made bizzy, and sot to work by chance. THE AUNT. 171 Oh, how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all things here are the work ov an acksident! He robs himself ov all plezzure on earth, and all right in Heaven. I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, pro- fane swearing ant), than to look upoa the things ov this world az i would on the throw ov the dice. Ants are older than Adam. Man (for very wize reasons) want bilt untill all other things were finished, and pronounced good. If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon boss- ing the rest ov the job. He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin offered, equally green. I am glad that man waz the last thing made. If man hadn't hav bin made at all, you would never hav heard me find enny fault about it. I haven't much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well but bekauze he wont. Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sum- thing. Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so that a man kan steal a hoss and ride thru them on a walk. They don't hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simp- ly, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own ackts. They don't hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swal- lered. I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi money and real estate, and jine them. I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like their morals better. The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and make a grate deal more noize in Wall street, one ov them sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up into the air, and the other ketching it when it cums dowin, and trampling it under hiz paws. page: 172-173[View Page 172-173]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 172-173 172 ANIMATED NATUR. This may be pliun for the bulls and the bears, but it iz wuss than the cholera morbust for poor Erie. Ants never disturb Erie; yu couldn't sell one eny Erie, enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks ov Nufoundland. Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond mny strength ; but if they don't they are no wuzz oph than they are out' west (near the city of Chicago), wwhere they marry to-day and ap- ply for an injunkshun to-morrow; and are reddy the next dav to fite it out agin on sum other line. Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick. SUM SNAIX. THE ADDER. FIlE adder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph. They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and shines like a glass bead. They kan be found in wet places, and are handy tew liv, both down in the water, and up on the top ov the land. They kan slip oph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shad- do ov the weeping willo. They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz a boy. THE STRIPED SNAIK. The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. Thiey in- habit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the gar- den, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass gen- erally. SUM SNAIX, 173 They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, and a re really a z .t \F , .T harmless az an old P'-,% . T garter, but az full ov fraid tew almost o every boddy, az a . torpedo. The fust snaix, we , me tha enny ackouint ov much, waz the lon devil, surname d bellyzebubb, w h o wiggled Tiis way in- tout h e Gardn of i Eden s and without loh Itors, 't nov joy in- e u t n hed o neffible,- and glory sld gave them in exchang rte tsorrow without stint, and - o I atterabel. This was Ian unlthsmon poor trade for the snaix katent settle don and the undertaik teu bring up a famcivilzashy the tan near a distrikt alwus fter them with ahouselong pole hi kind ov teatmen has alwus Made snais raizing churchestand school houses flourish. I don't knot ov a more iinhelthy spot in the world for a snaix tera settle down and undertaik te bring up adfamily than nearea istrikt school houdse. page: 174 (Illustration) [View Page 174 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 174 (Illustration) 174 ANIMATED NATUR. Let enny body jllst holler " striped snaix" once, near-a distrikt school house, and you will see the snaix begin ten paddle, and the young ones begin tew bile out like hornets out ov their nest, and proceed for that snaixlike a flok of young Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, and about one inch in diameter, and "thareby hangs a tail." THE BLUE RACER,. The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, ov a, pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ailoss, with their beds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing They are az harmless az;a rabbit, and will run if you chase them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch kind of refreshments. They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at. Draw a fine sight on their beds when they hold up abov the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and the hed will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of back summersets and double and twisted bo, knots- and hiro- gliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up their mind that it is safe te fdie. It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, it iz -alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor frog don't stand enny more chance ov getting away than a chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it. - They swallo'the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov butter- milk tew find its way into him. THE BLAK SNAIK. The blak'.snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a PUBLIK INSTITOOTIONS. A Foreign Institootion--Patrik at home. native Insfit;0otion--Bridge t abroad. (174) page: -175[View Page -175]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -175 THE MLK SNAIK. 175 tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their nests oph from the topmost limb. They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are not pizon tew bight. They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by makling a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their vic- tims. : I hav herd ov wicked,children being killed in this way, but never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and- who didn't eat enny green apples, and hav the stumnmuk ake in consequents, to get choked bi -a blak snaix. Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say "Go up, old bakd hed," and who put kittens into tar bar- rels will make a note ov this. The blak snaixTz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring'around hiz nek. . - There iz very little poetry in shnaix ov enny kind, nntill they git their heds smashed, and here- iz just whare the po- etry comes in. There ain't mnuch poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lsy dead in one pile, i would'take oph mi coat, rool up mi sleeves, and saliva mi hands9,*d rite sum verses that i wouldn't be ashamed vy enny how, for i should expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would helpl me out ov the skrape. THE MILK SHAIK. The milk snaix hangg around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto the udders ov thellws, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way. I don't beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny how. Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew consider the fackts ov when they write onto them. I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment, page: 176-177[View Page 176-177]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 176-177 ][ 76 ANIMATED NATUR. if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware lie waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him. This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a mar- vel. The Bible sez,: "arvel not," and altho i look upon all things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav won- dered if Joner's ketching the whale just az he did, wasn't some kind ov authority for the-fish storys ov the present daze. If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan't smart in figgures, he Would git a poor idea of the animile's dimenshuns. I never hlave saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi life away, and don't never see one, I don't intend tew mourn in- konsolably about it. I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn't go a haff a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them. Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine Providence haz fi:t -tha t; it is tow git their Ilds squeezed by a suitable sized pebble. THE RACOONO, "AND ' TE EAOOOON, AN ,LHE- PETTYFOGGER. nHE Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America: 1 he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskoverv 'by Colnmbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with. He iz one ov thein kind ov persons whloze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him. He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the '; ,, THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER. 1" cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and under- stands hiz bizzness. Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs. He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it. Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions. During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside. When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered. Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn't for the dogs and the rest pv mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy else haz lost-a heaven upon earth. But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain't worth a cuss. He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the ' alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan't redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing. He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide. He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov .the mollassis, not be kause We luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it. I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz. I can't find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah half a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mnlt- 12t page: 178-179[View Page 178-179]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 178-179 178 ANIMATED NATUIR. ton sassage, that mister coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride. I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal quick. Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days. I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff,- but i kan't advise ennybody to cultivate coons, they want az mutch look- ing after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stocl& dividend, on the Erie Rail Road. I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till- now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever: lately, i dis- kovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel. Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family. Hfeel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this would not save them from final perdishun. Natur don't make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she makes lim;l and when she wants a petty- fogger, she knows how tew mnake him, without spileing a good coon. Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other. I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger. THE FEATHERED ONES.-DUK. 179 If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar ain't but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us, old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the coun- try, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts. THE FEAT"ERED ONES. DUK. 17HE duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this-nat- - uralists say so, and kommon sense teaches it. They are bilt sumthing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed job. They ' don't kackle like l. lljALL FERSON& the hen, nor k r o' ^ T t oD NOT 'r M'Y d L:.RE2 like the rooster, nor I'L -SEIEM L. holler like the pea- jlii lA N FEATHREt's kok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk , like the turkey; but 'i ' they quack like a root d o k t e r, and their bill resembles a vetenary surgeon's. They have a wov mutch all f e a t h- -- ers and when the THE PEATHERED ONES. feathers are allremoved, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed. page: 180-181[View Page 180-181]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 180-181 180 ANIMATED NATUR. Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless yu understand the bizness. You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew the shot. I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feath- er now and then; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu know. Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it -this iz strikly confidenshall. TURKEY. Roast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberry sass iz better. The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself by gitting onto a frolik. They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and they generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for theim but themselfs. Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a grasshopper, and red hot on a kriket. Wet weather iz bad on a turkey-a good smart shower will drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of tongs. The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense. I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them. 'The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho he had been abuzed bi sumboddy. , Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on THE HOSSTRITCH. 181 a church steeple, i hav known them tew roost all night on the top limb ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees belo zero, and in the morning fly down and wade through the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph. P. S.-If you kant hav kranberry with roast turkey, apple sass will do. THE HOSSTRIT(EH, The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg about the size ov a man's bed the next day after he haz been on a bumming excursion. They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which in- habit their tails. The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a mile kluss to 3 minnitts. They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov the sand hatches them out. They ain't bilt right for hatchin out eggs, eniy more than a large-sized figger 4 iz. I don't kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but i guess not for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs ad- vertised on enny ov our fashionable bills ov fare. Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not; I think this would depend a good deal upon who waz called upon tew eat it. I shan't never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i re- main in mi right mind. If'the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could git along, and endure life. I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by guess, for i hav never seen them in their natiff land, nor never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, and liv whare grass groze, and water runs, i don't mean tew hanker for hot sand. page: 182-183[View Page 182-183]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 182-183 182 ANIMATED NATUR. THE PARROT. The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk. They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like a pair ov pinchers. They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the inglish language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan learn tew swear the eazyest. They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless. In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun. They resemble the border injun in this respekt. When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits. I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave him away, i haven't seen the man I giv him to since, but i presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss. If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with the provizo that they should stay thare. I don't make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up- their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last remark wants tew be took different from what it reads.) THE BOBALINK. The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him. They make their appearanse in the northern states about the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once. They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp. The female bird don't sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole family. They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly well. THE EAGLE.-NATRAL HSTORY. 183 When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a man's duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast. Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three, or four ov them in one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant class repeating the multiplikashun table all at, once. THE EAGLE. Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles; they kan look at the sun without winking; they kan split the cloudA with their flashing speed; they kan pierce the blu etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge into midnight's blak .space like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thous- and miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not. Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what, the poeks sing. I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers. NATRAL HSTORY. T is not the moste deliteful task, tew write-the natral his- tory ov the Louse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, to say louse, or even think louse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The louse is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than usefil. Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, " tew fight it out on the line" ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experi- page: 184-185[View Page 184-185]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 184-185 184 ANIMATED NATUR. ence gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply. Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum. Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn't lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy. I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot. All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end -of a woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck. Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class. But all this iz remote from the louse. The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose. Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom. I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other. Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were NATRAL HSTORY. 185 a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians- don't hesitate tew say, that they,. were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming fla seed, they were a drug in the market. But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain't spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on. The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety; perhaps a few ov them. are just az good az more- would be. They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel. i When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the sunmnit ov Daniel Webster's head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the tele- graphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venera- ble soldiers, in the grand army ov progression. After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don't seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them. Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital crea- tion, that i aktually hate, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply dispize snaiks,fear musketoze, avoid fleas, don't associate with the cockroach, go around toads, back out square for a hornet. Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased. up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother's kneeze, and see an old; warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse- page: 186-187[View Page 186-187]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 186-187 186 ANIMATED NATUR. and, in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don't know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me. KATS. A KAT iz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but one square deth. It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a koroners jury. I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat. If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the stun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter the stun wall intoyure nabors lot, anv lays thare all winter THE HUM BUGG. 187 under a sno bank, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, 'tthat kat,' waz ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine. Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats. They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind. The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain't reliable; they are apt tew stay out late night4 and once in a while git on a bad bust. Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood- house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile. and their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split. THE HUM BUGG. THE most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individuaD iz the hum bugg. They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot. It haz beoen sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs-if this iz a fakt he haz got more chil- dren than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst them. The hum buggs don't generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being sud- denly born in another. They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral, and kan liv and. grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death begging. page: 188-189[View Page 188-189]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 188-189 188 , ANIMATED NATUR. The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole. Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance. They hav the ontra to all cirldes ov sosiety without knock- ing from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and flattered more than ever. The hum bugg haz more friends than le knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheat- ing the whole of them. The Bible sez " the grasshopper iz a burden "--and i be- lieve it--but i think the hum'bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two. But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for thare doesn't seem, jist'-now, to be honesty enuffon hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with. Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time. I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot--i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don't let him bite the other cheek also. Thare ain't enny boddy, i suppose, who Scktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it without missing. Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov. Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth. If thare iz enny boddy who hain't never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, orb was born numb all the way through, and couldn't feel any kind ov a bite. THE BUGG BEAR. 189 If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugs couldrt't bite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan't a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet's, and always different from a dog's, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling. THEk BUGG BEA R. TATRAL History has its myths andits ghosts, az well az enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz-the bugghear. The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatch- ed by an imaginary process. They are like a shadow in the afternoon,s always a good deal bigger than the thing that casts it. They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, the bugg and the bear, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug. They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine them, the smaller they grow. I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole they cum- out ov. They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the big- gest when they are first born. They are common to -all countrys and all peoples, the phil- osophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben as badly skared by them. They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov devil- try az a jack lantern. Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks; but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them. page: 190-191[View Page 190-191]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 190-191 190 ANIMATED NATUR. THE GAME CHCKEN. O, and behold the game rooster He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew fite for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz feet like a piece ov ginger-root, w'ith each feacher fastened put n its place. iz eye gleams in its socket like a sol- taire on the queen's iz head iz like the snaiks thead, and his beak shines like ger. When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like the ! yung injuns lust whoop on the war' path. Hiz plumage gives back the sun shine like theruby and amethist, and hizt legs are all golden. Iiz gatls are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped for the battle. Bring on the other rooster. HE Duk iz a kind ov short legged hen. When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew contend with. THE DUK. 191 The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden. Their foot iz like a small spider's web, only more substan- shul bilt. They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a grease spot. They kan div in the water az handy az a bull .frog, and never git water soaked. ' .. : Water won't stay quiet on a duk's back no longer than quicksilver will whare it iz down hill. Dluks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food Without enny spoon. They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan eat so mutch faster. Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civiliza- shun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old wimmin. Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks. The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their person simultanously without enny order. Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers. They shed their feathers by having thent pulled out,'and these feathers make a good, tuff bed. A duk's feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on. Men often call their wifes their " dear dks," this is on ackount ov their big bills. The duk don't kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk. They do a good deal ov quacking Ithat don't amount ftew mutch. Suintimes doktors are' called quacks, but i never hav bin told wMi. t The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles; for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their stummuk, thare aint enny mores left on them, than thare, iz on the outside ov an eg shel. s, page: 192-193[View Page 192-193]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 192-193 192 ANIMATED NATUR. They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more appetight left. Their leggs are lokated on their boddy lilke a pair ov hind leggs, and i havir seen them eat till they tipt over forwards. Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they couldn't eat themselfs oph from their feet. Duks la eggs, but don't la them around loose. Bunting duks' eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun. A man couldn't earn 30 cents a day and board himself, hunting duks' eggs. The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing. They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz. I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kamp meeting. I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov. I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move. Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv it up. Thare ain't no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan outlimp a lame duk. Yu often hear the term " lame duk "' applied tew sum men, and perhaps never knu what .it ment. Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cumns from. THE SANDY HTTLL CRANE. HE crane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a pad mixtur ov all theze things. He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, look- ing for sumthing he haz lost. He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over. 1 MORE SNAIIKS. 193 He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesumn az a lasts year's bird's nest. He livs upon lizzards and'frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs. He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax. When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a wind- mill, broke loose from its fastenings. Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the sup'pl, up tew this date, just about equals the demand. The crane iz not a good bird for diet; the meat tastes like injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes boss. I never hav et enny crane, nor don't mean to, untill all the biled owl in the country givs out. I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness-even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner. I hav spent mutch'time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn't never tell exackly what cnunfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov man- kind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to say the least, a dredful smart job. Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a bread pill iz. Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this; one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph; and the other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog. MORE SNAIKS. THE EATTLESNAIX. HE rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six ' feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness. 13: page: 194-195[View Page 194-195]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 194-195 194 ANIMATED NATUR. They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly -natur. On the further end ov their boddy they hav sumn loose bones, which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize from which they take their name from. 4 remidy for the bite a rattlesnaik that I kno ov, and that ovm e p iz whisky. kpbi one drink three tikhquarts o h wiisky, all the time tew jine The grate mortal enemy o the snais iz the hog s ov t I have een a woods hog take after a rattesna and ketch without say bin it grace. a rat- tlesnaaix not so. Tey will hunt for them like a setter dog for aca woodkokand if the snai on acounbightt ov them, they ha way ov laying down in a - think three quarts ov whiskey in ml person at onst would keep 'me drunk forevermore. d hole grand soakingthe pizon al enemy ov the sonaks the hog. without saying grace. The woods, or wild hog, ip the grate snakes eradikator. They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a wodkok and if the snaix bight them they hav a way ov laying down in a mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them' THE HOOP SNAI. This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail ' MORE SNAIX. 195 in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait. Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz. ov bone, and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but X I think this iz only a lie. Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it iz a great wonder to me that they don't leave this world en-- tirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show. I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the menagarie, and then take yure chances. The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear, and more too. THE ANAKONDY. The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off. They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole vil- lage in their wrath. The anakondy iz a' resident ov the tropikal klimates. He would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi the natives. Anakondy wood, i should i in, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire. THE GARTER SNAIX. The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping lip a gentlemen's leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee. This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in the deth ov the snaix. I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned around one ov my legs; but then I am a ner- page: 196-197[View Page 196-197]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 196-197 196 ANIMATED NATU. vousindividual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around on me prorniskus, I am too'apt tew inquire into suddenly. I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a snaix do this, and would pat him on the bed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich like. I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if I couldn't git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze. But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter snaix iz a mith-a kind of inexplicable thing, indis- kribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the old, time-honored garter itself. Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter. They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen. THE EEL SNAIK. The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food. They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot. They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie them- selfs and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas. I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off from a hook. Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one eye when I eat them. I don't know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but they are near enuff to suit me. THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX. The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an appearanse yet. Thare ain't but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 times az yet. The fust time he was seen waz off Naahant, on the Amerikan shore, and waz seen thare twice afterwards. MORE SNAIX. 197 He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the knowing ones, that he-certainly may be expekted thare next season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their rootns at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral show. This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log- hous. He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phin. He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov fish for hiz daily support. He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts. He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a bed wind, one hundred and thirty-six nots an hour. The crowned beds ov Europe would giv almost ennything - if he would visit their shores, but he iz the Grate Amerikan Snaix, and don't hav tew leave home. THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX. This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey. They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus reddyv tew bight at a mninnitt's notiss. They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied. I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull ov deadly virus that. it would make yu sea- sik tew look at them. I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper, led and then lay down and die; it iz almost az unpleasant az being hung. page: 198-199[View Page 198-199]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 198-199 198 ANIMATED NATUR. Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain. I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov-pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous. THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS. THE BLUJAY. THE blujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn THE$ BJAYand alone in the one hux ndreda miles sing from Fnnysbihnsovu eivilizashun. diet, they are ja ste wintes mor ,about a -luxurious az r l1Bt n would be, suc az the wodashwimrmin u s e i tew lu their clothes with. The b lujri haz no - THE BLU JA Y. . song-they iant sing even 'From Greenland's Icy Mountains;" but i must sA that a flok ov the, flying amung the evergreens oni a kold winter's morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at. THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS. 199 It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, but when i write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity not to lie. THE QUAIL. The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly. They hav no song, but whissell for musik; the tune iz soli- tary and sad. They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in arithmetick, fust rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach acceptably, but if he hain't studdied quail on the wing, he might az well shoot at a streak ov lightning in the sky az at a quail on the go. Briled quail, properly- supported with jellys, toast, and a chaipane Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi hum- ble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and sum- thing tew drink. I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am asked to eat briled quail by a friend, withl judishious accom- panyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi bed, and then smile sweet acquiescence-in other words, I always quail before such a request. THE PATRIDGE. The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, watching the sportsmen. Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az a ghost iz. It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be des- cribed and make enny boddy beleave it, The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin born thare. page: 200-201[View Page 200-201]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 200-201 200 ANIMATED NATUR. Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and Amboy Railroad 87 1-2 per cent. I have eat theze lamentabel Nu Jersey ham sandwich, and must sa that i prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding's glue. THE WOODKOK. The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git up from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly away az krooke'd az a kork- skrew. They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most deli- kate things. They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather tender juices and tiny phood They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, and when they lite on the -ground yu lose sight ov them az quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill pond. The fist thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz a whizz, and the last thing a whurr. How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery to me, for it iz a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a red-hot stove. I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing one ov them yet. , They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers. THE GUINA HEN. The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, and bigger than the wild pigeon. They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their beds, and alwas walk on the run. They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so : 9 THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS. 201 much on the sly, that they often kan't, find them themselfs. They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff tew eat az a half-biled krow. They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself. They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them the further they git oph. They are more ornamental than useful, but are chiefly good tew frighten away hawks. They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half off, and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it. THE GOSLIN. The goslin iz the old goose's yung child. They are yeller all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster oil on the water. They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never waz known tew die natually. If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral and square deth, I wouldn't believe him under oath after that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose die. The goose are different in one respekt from the human family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer; whereaz a goslin alwus grows tuffer and more phoolish. I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, and he didn't look an hour older than one that waz 17. The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when lie swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, but only changes ends. The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet apples, hasty pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buck- wheat kakes that are left over. They ain't so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and won't git mad and quit if they kan't hav wet toast and lain chops every morning for breakfast. page: 202-203[View Page 202-203]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 202-203 202 ANIMATED NATUR. If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn't want enny better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i kouldn't suit them i should konklude i had mistaken mi kalling. Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enuff ov it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside. I hav alwus notissd,when yu pass yure plate up for sum more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak empty with plate, and tells yu, "Mister, the roast goslin iz no more." SMALL-SIZED VERMN. THE GRUB. THE grub iz all the fashonabel kullers except checkered, J i never have saw a checkered grub so far. I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub. The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten logs, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living. They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew. They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork. They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi a skrew-driver. They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free from anger az a tudstool. ' Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan. I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down be- hind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov trout, and while lie turned purple, and gold summersetts on the grass, i hav had mi harte swell up in me;, like a halleluyer. SMALL-SIZED VERMN. 203 I had rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be presi- dent ov the United States for the same length ov time. Thare may not be az mutch ambishun in it, but thare iz a glory in it, az kra- zy, and az safe, az '.'". . ' , [ soda water.. It don't take e r. mutch tew make me j i happy: but it will i take more mu-nny l than enny man on- -^ ^illll'i!' ]'{! this futtstool, haz .':::!: ','- got, tew buy out the / EL :i A little stock I alwuss -- !! , keep on hand. '-' The lady bug iz .. the most genteel vermin Tn market. They are spotted .'" -LJ red and blak for col- VERMN. or, are about the size ov a double B shot, and don't look un- like a drop ov red sealing wax. They hang around gardens in the spring ov the year, and are wuss, and quicker, on kukumber vines, than a distrikt skoolmaster iz on a kittle ov warm pork and beans. The lady bug iz the pet ov little children, who ketch them in their hands and then sing to them the old nursery rime "Lady bug, lady bug, fly away home, Your house is on fire, and your children will roam.' Let them go, and sure enough the lady bug duz put for home -in a grate hurry. The lady bug iz probably useful, but Webster's unabridged dont tell us for what. Whenever i cum akros enny bug, that i dont know what they waz built for, i dont blame the bug. page: 204-205[View Page 204-205]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 204-205 204 ' ANIMATED NATUR. I hav grate phaith in ennything that kreeps, krawls, or even wiggles, and tho i haint been able tew satisfy miself all about. the usefulness ov bed bugs, musketoze, and striped snaix, i hav phaith that Divine Providence did not make them in vain. Phaith iz knolledge ov the highest order. THE TREE-TUD. Did you ever see a tree-tud, mi christian friends? If'yu didn't, curn with me next July, and i will sho yu one. Morrally konsidered, they are like enny other tud, physi- kally they aint. They are about the size ov- an old-fashioned 25 cent piece, a hed on one side ov them, and a tail on the other. They are the only tuds that kan klimb with enny degree of alakrity, and are the only ones that kan sing like a tea- kittle when she is cooking water. Tree-tuds, when they are on a tree, or on the top rale ov a phence, hav the faculty ov disguising their personal looks, and appearing exactly like the spot where they set. I have often put mi liand on them in getting over tphence. They wont bight nor jaw back, but they feal az raw and kold az the yelk ov an egg. The tree-tud livs upon flies and sitch like vittles, but if they dont git enny thing tew eat, they dont strike for higher wages. A tree-tud will liv all summer on a south wind, with al ockashional drop ov dew to wet hiz song. They kan outdiet any bug or jum-ping thing i kno ov. THE PORIKUPINE. The porkupine iz a kind ov thorny woodchuck. They are bigger than a rat, and smaller than a calf. They liv in the ground, and are az prikly all over az a chesnutt burr, or a case ov the hives. It iz sed that they hav the power ov throwing their prickers like a javelin, but this iz a smart falshood. I An old dog wont tutch a porkupine enny quicker than he SMALL-SIZED VERMN. 205 would a phire brand, but yung dogs pitch into them like ur. chins into a sugar hogshed. The konsequentz ov this iz they git their mouths philled with prickers, which are bearded, and kant bak out. A porkupine's quill when it enters goes klean thru and cums out on the other side ov things. This iz a way they hav got. The porkupine iz not bad vittles, their meat tastes like pork and beans with the beans left out. They hav a cute way ov stealing apples known only to a phew?. I hav seen them run under an apple tree, and rolling. over on the fruit which had fallen from the tree, carry oph on their prickers a dozen ov them. I hav often told this story to people, but never got enny tew beleave it yet. Porkupines hav got a destiny tew phill,it may be only a hole in the ground, but they kan phill that az phull az it will hold. DEVIL'S DARNING NEEDLE This floating animal iz a fly about twenty times az big az a hornet, with a pair ov wings on him az mutch out ov pro- porshun tew hiz boddy az a pair ov oars are to a shell boat. They hang around mill ponds in hot weather, and when i waz a boy if one ov them cum and sot on the further end ov the log whare i waz a setting i alwus aroze and gave him the whole of the log. They hav a boddy like a piece ov wire, sharp at the end, and look az tho they mite sting a phello cheerfully, but i beleave there iz no more sting in them than thare iz in kold water. All children are afrade ov them, and i kno ov one man now who had rather enkounter a wild kat (provided the kat waz up in the top ov a tree and likely to stay thare) than tew intersect a devil's darning needle. They derive their name from the shape ov their boddys and their devilish appearance generally. (See Webster's unabridged on this subjekt. page: 206 (Illustration) [View Page 206 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 206 (Illustration) RAMRODS. THE higher up we git, the more we are watched-theroos- ter on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more impor- tance, altho' he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard. If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in life iz more ov a wonder tew them, than it iz to you. Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would be like a bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody's barn. I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk. Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal. A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided-it iz like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin. All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should end it viktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs renew a drawn battle, every time they meet. Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi offis hold us. If a man iz full ov himself, don't tap him, but rather plugg him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust. Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov necessity. The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own. I don't think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she 206 page: -207[View Page -207]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -207 - t - RAMRODS. 207 was born blind, and i notis them who win the -oftenest, go it blind, too. It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man's advice, than hiz example. The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), all kno how purswa- siv the wife iz--espe- shily when she wants sumthing. I konsider a weak man more dangerous than a malishus one, malishus men hav sum karacter, but. o a pv t, weak ones don't have enny. I hav notissed one who hav either no ' pashuns all, or verry . fl. tame ones--it iz a RAMRODS. grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent. The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a millyun he iz a genius. Virtew haz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility.. Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on ac- count ov their gravity. He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on hea- vefi. Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt them, the more the flea. Take the sellfishness out ov this world, and thare would be more happeness than we should kno what to do with. Whcn a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy q4 page: 208-209[View Page 208-209]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 208-209 208 AFFURISMS. ' else, then we vote him a pension for the rest ov his days, by calling him a "poor devil." Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin has its imposters. It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the lit- tle pox ov a man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu kan after it haz broke out. Tis thus with wickedness; the openly so are less dangerous than Fhoze who hav it under the skin. When we are mote anxus tew pleaze than Atew be pleazed, then we are in love in good arnest. If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted. Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than oqr honesty, and we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutdl the effekt ov. interest az principle. It don't show good judgment to be surprized at ennything in this world, for thare is nothing more certain than uncer- tainty. Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible tew flattery; sum yu kan daub it on with a white- wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like the dew from flowers. Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees,with ours. Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and hum- ble before God. Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our mortality, if nothing else will. Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, but it iz the butt end ov it. If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, vice would not be half so attraktive. Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie evidence ov the want of it. If we were wize enuff tew. ketch a fox bi argument, we shouldn't hav to set a trap for him. Prosperity makes us all honest. Love iz a child ov the heart; and it iz lucky if the head iz the father ov it. "OBSTIR SALLAD. 209 A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a wire-trap; he don't seem tew kno exackly how he got in, nor exackly how he iz going to get out. Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morn- ing. Everyboddy's friend should be noboddy's confidant. Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the latter in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us. Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing so hard to apply. Thare ain't but phew men who kan stick a white hanker- chef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat without letting a little ov it stick out--just bi acksident. "OBSTIR SALLAD. SLANDER iz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the fust blo, yu better not strike at it. Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs. I make this distinksihun between charahcter and reputashun --reputashun iz what the world thinks ov us, charakter iz what the world knows ov us. What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt for peace and quiet. ' No man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting lies. Anxiety alwus steps on itself. Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe. Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy. It takes branes tew make a smart man, but good luck often makes afadmous one. Opinyuns are like other vegetables, worth, just what they will fetch. , "t page: 210-211[View Page 210-211]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 210-211 '210 AFFURISMS. I think most men had rather be charged with malice than with making a blunder. Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a fool sober, and a wize man frisky. I don't beleave in total depravity, every man haz sumthing in him to show that God made him. I suppoze that one reazon whi the " road to ruin "' iz broad, iz tew accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun. I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else-for i think i like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofansy. A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz blowed up, and then ain't good for nothing after it iz pricked. A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius--if a man's genius lays in hiz noze, i should Say the sign waz a good one. Vanity iz seldom malishous. A woman dike an echo), will hav the last word. Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blassted, consarn-put a Yankee in, and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage--put an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing-put 'a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it. When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are getting it, call him a phool. Men mourn for what they hav lost-wimmin, for what they hain't got. I judge ov a man's virtew entirely bi his phashions-it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent. Thare are menny ways 'to find out how brave and how honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity. A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line. Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn't well afford to make us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings. Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain't no human natur in a man's head. Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest. MOLLASSIS KANDY. 2" Beware ov the man with half-shut eyes-he ain't dreaming. Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones. Advice iz a drug in the market; the supply alwus exceeds the demand. One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to be a good listener. Fools are the whet-stones ov society. Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend. Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum. Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, ,musn't forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a tong time before they will forgit the world. Put man down (for me) az a vain and selftsh critter, all hiz talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, never- theless, to wit, verily, amen. Wize men laff every good chance they kan git. Laffiing i only a weakness in phools. I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show. Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the "wimmins' rights bizzness," then i am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the procession. Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to. Praize that ain't deserved iz no better than slander. There iz three kinds of phools' intWis world, the natural ones the common, every day phool, and the daghm phool. MOLLASSI KANDY THARE iz a grate deal ov humin natur in, a stik of mollas- sis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz al- wus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it. I don't kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git. ' page: 212-213[View Page 212-213]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 212-213 212 AFFURISMS. Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if I kan't hav. but one, give me the abuse. Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York City, are in a grate -----.., hurry, and are either mad, petulant, or sassy, and the reazon iz they are all ov tmunny, and only one out ov 10 gits it. theI Next tew the man who iz wuth a mill- ,I - hsa se a yuln, in point ov and. I intrndtewspenda a gate wealth, iz the man, who don't kat e a m skussfor it. eI happiness needs az a tImuth watch ing az a reputashun for MOLLASSIS KANDY. When yu strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all the ile run out at the bottom. I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that every boddy mite be suckeessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, " the devil take the hnd- nost." Success don't konsist in never making blunders, but in never- making the same one the seckond time. He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when-he gits it. While weare poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys MOLLAS6IS KANDY. 218 Thare is no, such thing az gitting tew the top ov the lad- der in this world, if we reach the utmost round, then we mourn bekauze the ladder aint longer. Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon whi ' it hit another, iz bekauze it missed us. When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov the thing, he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him, than he iz aware ov. The man who haz got a mote in hiz eye, kan alwus see a big beam in liz brothers. Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint got, but what we hav got less than others. The only thingabout a man that sin haz not, and kan -not pervert, iz hiz conshience. Dissatisfackshun with- everything we cum akrost iz the re- sult ov being dissatisfied with ourselfs. Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew make a reputashun bi hiz personal appearance, just in that pro- porshun, he iz a dead beat. Early genius iz like early cabbage, don't head well. It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a ladder, than it iz tew highst up 5; i found this out more than 7 years ago. Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi let- ting go, tew spit on hiz hands. Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo. About all that iz left for an old man' in this world, iz an obituary notiss. Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones. I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens. The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of pride of himself, than love for her. If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns tlhe house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a plilosopher. The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid phools every boddy but we, hav made ov themselfs page: 214-215[View Page 214-215]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 214-215 214: AFFURISMS Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth. The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest with himself. I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life. Life ain't long enuff for enny man tew kno himself. Virtew don't konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control ov them;- a man without enny pashuns iz sim- ply az virtewous az a graven image. One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick. Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaint- ance. Don't forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand peo- ple in this world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu. Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az polite- ness, and none more profitable. - Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humnor in this world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being witty that we claim x " ourselfs. Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the offence. Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful,-be thank- ful, and yu are sure tew be happy. He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very danger- ous man. Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be alwus in a hurry. Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur. A man whom yu kan' trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything. Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and altho thare are menny other wimmin more attraktive for a time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov her buty. Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and chang- ed with grater. PUDDIN AND MLK. 215, The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, iz death. Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute. PUDDIN AND -MLK. "OVE iz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan. The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and what he leaves behind him he never had. Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient. Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take. Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer an- other, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all the pity thare iz on the upper side ov the earth-pity iz nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so. Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she will run after you. Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing? If i was a going to paint a pikter of Faith, Affection and Ion.. esty, i would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin his tail. The devil iz a mean kuss; he never keeps hiz own prom- ises, but alwus makes us keep ours. ; Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive. There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price for az they do for repentance. Laws are made, customs grow-laws hav. tew be executed, customs execute themselves-laws begin where customs end. Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words. Punning, iz nothing more than imiclckry, the best punster now living iz a monkey; he makes a pun on a louse forty: times a day bi skratching hiz head. page: 216-217[View Page 216-217]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 216-217 216 AFFURISMS. , .The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew knowl. edge- iz a byeway. Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew. I don't know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else. Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan git brightened by it, not ground. ; We shouldn't forgit one thing, that tliare iz not a single fee simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked out. Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice. 'Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, whlo visits his basket during the forenoon too often, has allreddv diskounted hiz din- ner. I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it. Qood breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man! his due, without robbing yourself. Natur iz jist az honest az a cow. Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew make the company suspekt you--i mean suspekt yu ov know- ing a grate deal more than yu aktuaily do, If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Nu York citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav tew dubble the- perlice force tew keep them from comnmit- : ting suicide. ' v People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally' more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, " thare ain't no hope for him, i tell him he ought tew know awl about it, and i guess iz more than half right. What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be'wrong, but examples prove them- eelves. Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be proud but lie let sin beat him out of hiz birthright. I PLUM PITS. 217 A crowing hen and a cackling ruseter are very misfortunate poultry in a family. If2 k Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more- uppercrust than himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level. Titles are valuable; they make us acquainted with menny Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew casts. I Habits are like the wrinkles on a man's brow, if yu will smoothe out the one i will smoothe out the other. ; It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan -tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it. Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than coun- it 8 terfiting. Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi the end ov the tail. The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen fatted for a show. PLUM PITS. IT iz a grate art to kno how tew listen. This seems to be about the way it- iz did : When we are yung, we run into difikultys, and when we git old, we fall into them. Love seems tew hav this effekt, it makes a yung man sober, and an old man gay. Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az a miller duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a burnt coquet and miller we hav. It ain't bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up. I don't kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if they ever do, they don't kno it. / page: 218-219[View Page 218-219]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 218-219 218 AFFURISMS. About the last thing a man. duz tew korrekt hiz faults iz tew quit them. I should jist az soon expekt tew seea monkey fall in love as to see a dandy. The wimmen ought tew ketch all them phellows who part their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on them. The chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to wear PVLLED ou-r A PLUM new silk clothes, and the chief end ov man seems to be About all that ould cut hism of himI to comyiserashun. ' f.,] far famed .Philos- rudes hoardkan theieacr virtewsus, izthe same a tew smore fffer pain , and If yu see i fried, snot own, and it I tink opportunitys are made full az oftseems tohey happ reacn. ed the hight of its PIE; t amibishun when 'it courts sorrow, for the sake ov being a martyr. P ure ignoranse, after all,iz the best alloy for vanity, for a vain phool iz quite harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us. There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him off from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always entitle binm to commiserashun. Prudes hoard -their virtews, the same az mizers do their money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use. If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things. if yu desire larning, studdy dikshionarys. I think opportunitys are made full az often az they happen; PLUM PITS. 219 I hav often had grave doubts, which waz ov the most im- portance, the bustle ov men or the hurry ov pissmires. It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are be- I low us with pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, without envy. Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see thoze who are good, simply bekauze they hlaint got sense enuff tew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they haint got sense enuff tew be good. The man who don't kno himself iz a poor judge ov thle other phellow. Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one abuv us to envy, we will envy thoze below us. : Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a frivilous yung one at 60. Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged tew flatter thoze whom we don't respekt enuff to praze. Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle. We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others az to eskape ourselfs. The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless themselfes, but who think others are. To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew be simply az courageous az a beast. Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in this world-persekuted for the devil's sake iz not so common. Don't be afrade, yung. man, tew make a blunder once in a while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest. I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blun- ders, but I don't luv them. I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces. I luv mi phailings.. It iz theze that make me pheel that i have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew every man living. The greatest blessing that the great and good God can bestow on enny human being iz humility. page: 220-221[View Page 220-221]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 220-221 220 AFFURISMS. Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin; but the poetry and the gin, both ov them, are kussid poor. Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the coun- try, whare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf a little; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertise- ments onto. How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake; to korrekt it by kussing sumboddy else for it. I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism; i beleave in let- ting every man fight hiz rooster hiz own way. Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike. If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and- he want good at ennything else. Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav. Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that achieves suckcess. The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches the most. Trusting to luck is only another name for trusting to lazy- ness. Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often allows them to take her by the hand. Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a mixtur. Two thirds ov what is called love iz nothing but jealousy. Sekrets are like the meazles-they take eazy and spred eazy. The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old. We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most always a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures. ! ' ; - . CHPS. 221 I The heart rules the hed, bekauze the pashuns rule the judge- ment. Advice iz like kissing-it don't kost nothing, and iz a pleaz- ant thing to do. One ov the most diffik-ult, and at the same time one ov the most necessary, things for us old phellows to know, iz that we aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz. CH-IIPS. ONT mistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the lookout sideways. "It is one thing tew take the chances, and quite another thing tewfind them. "It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller. 'I Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then ashes. "The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up sideways wifh the quill of a windy friend. "Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys; a flag ov truce ; to-the righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss. "If you are looking after happiness (don't take the turn- pike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and dursty. "Mutch buty iz like the strawherry, soon out ov season, but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawherry, ain't perfekt without a good deal ov sugar. "Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty. '"Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, yu might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat pork. page: 222-223[View Page 222-223]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 222-223 222 AFFURISMS. "A witty writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no distinktion between a friend and a foe. "About one-half the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov gitting tired ov ourselfs. "Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his baggage (or sin) behind him. "He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine Providence. "Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living. "Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz like sending them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn them tew see in the dark. "Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing hap- pens by acksident awl things may; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents. "We should be kerful how we encourage luxurys, it iz but a step forward from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go back agin., "Smiles and tears cum from 'the same fountain, and az the showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul cheerful. "Thare iz jtlst az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) among the lowly az among the ritch; the poor devil with a whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and the half loaves look on with envious wonder, while he struts up and down the alley. i We only love them that we fear. This may be only one of my lies, but it looks so tew me from where i stand now. "The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be envyed, nor so poor az to be damned. "Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need? cer- tainly; jest az mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow. "Just praize iz the vernakular ov good deeds. tKOARSE SHOT. 223 "Whare thare iz grate virtue, thare must hav bin grate vices, or else a very poor sile, that raizes nothing but what haz bin planted, and well tended and manured at that. "Revenge iz jist az natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov boys club the post that they bump their heads aginst."5 KOARSE SHOT. THEE VH EVR yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a jbb. The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor originals. It iz a - d igrate deal eazier tew ^ , ".; be a philosopher af- . ter a man haz hada a \I' warm meal than it iz when he don't going tew git one. :% their condishun in /// . . life, but thare are : but phew, after all, lwho are superior to To never dispair --/- may be God like, :^... \ but it ain't human. ^^ -2CL Affeltashun looks well in a monkey. Trieing tew de- KOARSE SHOT. fine love iz like trieing -tew tell how yu kum tew brake thru the ice, all yu kno about it, iz, yu fell in, and got dutced. ; Thlle prinsipal importanse ova mistery iz the miistery itself. page: 224-225[View Page 224-225]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 224-225 224:- AFFURISMS. What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that nobod- dy ever saw one. The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on the accumulashun, and transmit the principle unimpaired. A weak ran wants az mutch watching az a bad one. It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real pos- sessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it. Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch in- iquity amung the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew their numbers. A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool so little, az when alone. Avarice iz az hungry az the grave. Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like jewellry, more for ornament than use. I am satisfied that courage in meii iz more often the effekt ov konstitushun than ov principle. About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure. Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless. Thare are menny people who not only beleave that tlis world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the axis. Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job. I think thare iz az menny old phools in the world, az thare iz yung ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but, the old ones never do. The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no check, would end in their destrukshun. A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package. A vishus old man- iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and hated in heaven. The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan lay hiz hands on, and gives nothing back. KOARSE SHOT. 225' Bashfulness iz either the effek ov ignorance or modesty- if it iz ignorance, edukashun changes it into impertinence- if it iz modesty, it will kling tew a man a long az he haz got one single virtew left. SIarrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her az yu hav. Hope iz the germ, Faith, the blossom, and Charity the fruit. Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter enemy-the one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us on. Whenever yu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure sekrets, and still retain hiz respekt, yu have found a friend indeed. Wlen a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew him than i will to a country cur who barkls at me; this will m ake both the dog and the man ashamed ov themselfs. Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in farour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable. Thare ain't mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good deal ov phisick in phun. ZMen will forgit injurys eazier than kontempt; they had rather be lated than not noticed. I hav bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i find it is largely made up ov grunts, groans and growls, varied} withl hjfs, hoots, and howls. I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good rea- zons for it. About the emptyest thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, with nothing in it-it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole. The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watching, for the chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples misfortunes. It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making everyboddy satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you. The man whom forgivness wont humble iz a brute. ' 15f page: 226-227[View Page 226-227]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 226-227 22,6 AFFURISMS. SLIPS OF THE PEN. THE wizest tiing about a man iz hiz conscience-eduka- T shun don't improve it. If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on oats-iit z jiss so with mankind. Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it while he iz limber-men alwus pole vines before they begin tew run mutch. The only way for me to git 'out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels by not tuching it, but I kant. The 'more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are raized-one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a duzen duz. It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make money by telling the truth-it iz aktually an evidense ov geniu.. It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug's tail that shines it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant-it iz jist so with virtew. jeussing revenge iz like nnssing a yung hedgehog--the older he grows, the sharper hiz quills. The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock-- hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works that are inside ov llim. Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road. Most people travel to see and be seen; but few to compare. Fools are telling us (confidensally) "that time is sMhort;" but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch az it duz in the length ov the fools. Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen; old people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and bolted. SLIPS OF THE PEN. 227 The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it when the bell rings. Time iz like a fair wind-if we don't set our sails, we lo0oze that breeze forever. We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 com- mandrments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth; but who follers them? Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i would respekfully ask, if he ain't a ded beat? Iz thare a single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to grass . Waiting up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same thing az being born agin. "Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun," and, Pattent Wright iz the father. It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage boss in New York citty whoze heart wasn't dead broke. Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain; and even that ain9t always a safe investment. Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it kan pick up. The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav -bin won by the rod and the katechism. The lion and the lamb mayr, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but, when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing. Chastity iz like glassware-too much frost in it makes it more brittle. Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ov human natur. I don't reckon mercy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often only amable weaknesses. Justis iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn't hav enny mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish; neither would i hav a mnan think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, that it iz virtew that ails him. Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom!!-freedom page: 228-229[View Page 228-229]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 228-229 28 AFFURISMS. to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own shins! I had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor ornly for 90 days. The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dun- bar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring,'awl in one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain't had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, whlo was jist like him. This boy died when he waz 18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death. GLASS DIMONDS. IF we could see the sekret motives that prompt even the good ackshuns ov men, we should see more tew reprove than admire. The best specimens ov calm resignashun tew their fate that I hav met with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an inkum ov 40 thousand dollars a year, less government tax. Diogenes and Seneca were two az grate philosophers az the world haz ever produced; one lived in a tub, and the other in a palace. Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing what others kant git. Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and it would bother menny ov-us tew git a living. Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelling around loose, but no one ever saw one yet. Honesty iz like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git it, ani then work harder to keep it. I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shu- makers praze. Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart. 1 hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun that the pashuns are weak, men are seemingly virtewous. GLASS DIMONDS. 229 Here iz just what's the matter-if yu shut yureself up folks will run after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shut themselfs up. Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor, azs thare iz between the ile and the essence of peppermint. It iz a safe kalku- lashun that the more rs praze a man iz wil- "ng to take, the less Thi deserves. f Thare iz but phew h s people in this world - underrated. Honesty iz the a'I . . only aristokrasy that the acknoweledge; . H an honest man iz al- !- ,IL fi wus a well-bred man r . /- and a gentleman. ,4./' Politeness iz not " q2 only the most power- GLASS DIMONDS. ful, but the cheapest argument I kno or. The more wrinkles i kan see in a man's face the better i like it, provided a smile lays in each one ov the gutters., Thephilosophers tell us that "natur abhors a vacum." Thie ackounts for the sawdust in sum mens heds. Thare iz now and then a person to whom sosiety owes menny obligashnns, but most people owe all thare iz ov them tew sosiety. If yu pull the sting out ov a hornet hiz moral power iz gone in a minnlit. E - - We are all ov us willing tew divide our sorrows aiung our nabors, but our plezzures we are more stingy with. Sages and phools are the only two kinds ov people that the world kan afford tew hav liv in solitude. page: 230-231[View Page 230-231]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 230-231 230 AFFURISMS. If a man waz kompletely- virtewous, i doubt whether lie would be happy here, he would be so lonesum. It dont require mutch tallent tew giv good advice, but tew follow it duz. Altho the mule iz looked upon az a stupid kritter, he makes -sum most brilliant hits. ' Every man haz a weak side, and sum hav two or three. He who demands respekt almost allways deserves it. Ridikule that ain't true haz no partikular power. I wouldn't giv 250 dollars cash, or good dicker, for all the fame thare iz in the world at this partikular junktur. Mi opinyun ov mankind, az a brilliant suckcess, needs a good deal ov nussing. No church kan expekt tew be very suckeessful now days, unless it haz got a good orkestra in it. Hope iz a thoughtless jade-she often cheats us, but she haz no malace. When i waz yung i thought all money spent waz well in- vested, but az i get older i cypher different. God makes opportunitys, but man must hunt for them. Invenshun and judgement are seldom found together. Ambishun tew shine in everything iz a sure way tew put a man's kandell all out. Man's make up iz ov natur and custom, and i don't kno which ov the two iz the most powerfullest. A grate brag iz either a phool or a coward, and probably he iz both. Az long az we are lucky we attribit it tew our smartness; our bad luck we giv the gods credit for. Thare iz one person in this world that every boddy kan tell yu all about, and that iz the next door nabor. Thare are people who love too well to ever be jealous. I kno lots ov people who always think at least 3 times before they speak once, and then never say enny thing worth listening to. It takes a certain amount ov back ground in a man's karak- ter tew sho hiz virtews to good advantage. JEWS HARPS. 231 It iz better tew overshute the mark than tew fall short; this shows that the fault ain't in the amunishun. Thare iz plenty ov individnals who, if they kan go up like a baloon, are willing tcw\ cumn down like a chunk. !'I' JEWS HARPS. A GENTLEMAN iz a gentleman the world over,-loafers differ. BENEVOLENCE iz the cream that rizes on the milk ov human kindness. COURAGE without discretion, iz. a ram with horns on both ends, he will hav more fites on hand than he kan well attend to. HUNTING after happiness, iz like hunting after a lost sheep in the wilderness, when yu find it, the chances are, that it iz a skeleton. A DOG iz the only animal kritter, who luvs yu more than he luvs himself. THARE iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at. OLD friends, are like old cheeze, the strongest. "ES are like illegitimate children, they are liable tew call a man "Father," when he least expekts it. ,' ALL money that iz well spent, iz a good investment. IF we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved. * BEFORE i would preach the gospel az some ministers are obliged to, for 450 dollars a year, i would git a living az Neb- udkenezzer did, and let the congregashun go tew grass to. CONTENTMENT is the vittles, and drink ov the soul. DID yu ever hear a son bragging about hiz father, whoze father could with jusfiss,.brag about hiz son? THE safest kind ov faith i kno ov, iz humility. page: 232-233[View Page 232-233]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 232-233 232 AFFURISMS. THE man who never makes enny mistakes, like the angle. worm, never gits far away from hiz hole. A BRILLIANT blunder in a writer, iz often one ov hiz best hits. TYRANNY iz often changed, but never destroyed. SUCKING a whipt sillybub, thru a rhy straw, iz a good deal like trieing tew liv on buty. I NEVER knu a profound phool yet, who did not affekt gravity, nor a truly wize man, whoze face was not alwus cocked and primed, for-a laugh. PRUDERY iz nothing more than coquetry, gone to seed. NEW YORK citty is a fasst place, yu kant even pass a phu- neral procession, unless yu have got the fassest hoss. TRUTII, haz hardly clothing enuff, tew hide its nakedness. A POMPOUS man, iz like a full blown bladder, it iz pure mal. ice tew prick him. THE money, and morality ov this world, are a good deal alike, the principle never loses sight ov the interest. PITTY costs nothing,--and aint worth nothing. WHAT men kant do, they are apt to admire,-they dont criticise a mountain, bekauze they kant make one. POVERTY is one ov them kind ov misfortunes, that we all ov us dread, but none ov us pitty. THARE iz lots ov people in this world who covet misfor- tunes, jist for the luxury ov grunting. IT iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to com- mit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days. I TRANK God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, i am sure to be. MOST men go thru life, az rivers go tew the sea, bi follow- ing the lay ov the ground. IN youth we run into difficultys, in old age, diffikultys runs into us. "TIMES ain't az they used tew be " -this haz bin the sol- lurm, and wize remark ov mankind, ever since Adam waz a boy. SECRETS are cussid poor property at best, if yu cirkulate TAD POLES 233 them, yu loze them, and if yu keep them, yu loze the inter- est on the investment. PERSECUTED for the Devil's sake, iz what sinners git for their allegiance. SUM people won't beleave enny thing they kant prove; tlhe things i can't prove, are the very things i beleave the most. PRIDE never shows itself more disgustingly than in the I pomip ov a phuneral. HAPPINEss iz not idleness, but its spirit iz az free from labor, as the life ov a yearling heifer. GOOD examples aniung the rulers, are the best laws they kan enakt. TiE d'evil iz probably the best judge ov human natur that ever lived, and he must hav beleaved in the doktrine ov total ' -depravity, or he wouldn't hav undertook tew tempt the Saviour. A ;GENTLEMAN about town,". iz one who pays cash for everything except hiz debts. MONEY iZ like charity, it kivvers a multitude ov sins. A PEDANT iZ one who fills himself in a cellar with the klaIn broth ov literature, and then picks hiz teeth in the society ov the learned. THARE iz but little, if any, cerimony, between two wize men, but between a wize man and a phool, cerimony iz the only thing that will make a phool feel respektable. WHEN yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the well- fair ov everyboddy, yulkan safely put him down az one who iz hunting for a misfortune. TADPOLES. ONE ov the hardest men in the world tew collekt a debt ov iz the one who iz alwus willing tew pay, but never reddy. Trew liberty konsists in making good laws, and then obey- ing them. page: 234-235[View Page 234-235]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 234-235 234 AFFURISMS. I suppoze we never shall kno in this life how big a phool a lnan kan be, bekauze he iz not allowed tew hav all his wants and vanities gratified. When i diskgver that all hatred, avarice, ambishun, vanity, and envy, have left this world, then i am going tew hunt for a Christian. Yung man, larn tew listen!-i don't mean at a key-hole. Thare. iz plenty ov happiness in this life if we only knu and one way tew find it iz, when we hav got the old ru- matiz tew thank Heaven that it aint the old gout. but it iz the only way a dog tracks out hiz game. The man who lan live in idleness suc essfully, must either be too pure or TADPOLES. too lazy to commit enny sin. Poetri iz a disseaze common tew all the literati; sum hav it quite halrd, but most hav it dredful. lite. Inkredulity iz the wisdum o: a phool; it iz only a wize man who 'kan afford tew be craducous. Prejudice iz a hous plant which iz very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks. The devil holds poor kards, but he plays them mighty "wel.. What iz the next wust thing tew lieing? Gitting ketched at it. enny sin. Potriiz diseaz comontewa he it TADPOLES. 235 I am so phully aware ov the uncertainty ov the law, that if a man whom i had never seen nor heard ov should su me for a debt ov one hundred dollars, and i couldn't kompound with him for fifty, i would pay the whole rather than defend the suit. I hav noticed this diffrence between people-thare is some who are not az big phools as they look., Most authors in writing neglekt their punktuashuns, espesh- li)y the full stop. I hav seen pholks so melankolly and so gloomy that they wouldn't admit thare waz a brite side tew ennything in this world, not even tew a nu haff dollar. If wit forms the blade, good sense should be the handle and benevolence the skabbard ov the sword Experience iz knowledge, .and it will stik bi a phellow like the money he gits by hard knoxs. I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and appa- rently braneless bed--but i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know. Silence iz like darkness, a good place tew hide. Thare iz no revenge so komplete az forgivness. H- e that desires' tew be ritchl only to be charitable, iz not only a wize man, but a good one. Grate welth, in our journey thru life, iz only extra baggage, and wants a heap ov watching. The malice ov the world ain't haff so dangerous az its flat- terys. If i feel that i am right, all the kurs in the country may snap at mi heels. Trieing tew satisfy our desires with wealth iz like trieing tew stop up a rat hole with sand--the rats will soon dig out sull whare else. A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered that every man who reads, or hears it, shall say to himself, "That iz just, bekauze it hits every boddy but me." Skandle iz az ketching az the small pox, and perhaps thare iz but one real preventative, and that iz-tew be vaclksinated with deaf and dumbness. page: 236-237[View Page 236-237]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 236-237 236 AFFURISMS. Really'wize men pay but little attenshun to misterys, but one good mistery will furnish a dozen phools with vittles and drink for a year, and fat the whole ov them besides. We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. We willpiss a 10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we would shudder at a 10 dollar bill. Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that makes me like him so mutch. Affeckshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don't phur- nish it sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sum- thing wuss; this ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap dogs and sick monkeys. Poverty iz the step mother ov genius. Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when he walks, and who purrs when he talks; he iz a kat in disguise. It'iz now 30 years ago since a phellow with green goggles on and a white neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 cents, whitch he sed waz worth 5 dollars. I've forgot what it waz, but i remember it waz a beat, and az often az once a year ever since, I have tried the same thing over, and got beat every time. When shame leaves a man, the kandle goes out, and hiz soul gropes its way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal pashuns. Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which we have tew pay the highest price. Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner. "Time iz money,"--menny people take this saying in its literal sense, and undertake tew pay their debts with it. Competishun iz a good thing, even amung brutes-two dogs on a farm make both dogs more watchful. Originality in writing haz alwus been praized, but i hav red sum authors who were too original tew be interesting. Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare never waz one yet, however poor, who would swap estates with them. If a man iz very bizzy he kant be very sorrowful, nor very VisCioUs. PEPPPPER PODS. 237 If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz munny-a mere pimp tew hiz welth. One ov the saddest sights ov all to me, iz an old man, poor and deserted, whom i once knew living in ease and luxury. I don't think the world haz ever seen a sparkling, brilliant wit yet, who waz not troubled at times with the--hiccps. Silence iz one ov the hardest kind ov arguments tew refute. The fust thing in this life tew be desired, in the phisikal line, iz a happy set ov bowells, after that, virtew, andbranes, are in order. Justiss now daze aint worth what it kosts. I've seen men so fun-proof that yukouldn't fire a joke into them with a dubble-barreled gun. Thare are people who are so mutch matter-of-fakt in every- thing, that when they eat pork and beans, they want the pork one day and the beans the next. If i waz called upon tew tell who waz the bravest man that ever lived, i would say it waz him who never told a lie. The meanest thing that enny man ever followed for a bizz- ness, iz making money. Everyboddy luvs tew feel that they are ov-sum importanse in this world, even a pauper looks forward tew the day ov his phunerul az the time that he haz got tew be notissed. PEPPER PODS. F yu hav got a spirited and noble boy, appeal tew hiz gen- erosity, if yu hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew hiz back. A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their minds, who hadn't got enny minds when they war at home; knowledge, like charity, shud begin at home, and then spred. Affickshuns are ithe compliments that Heaven pays tew the virtewous. e page: 238-239[View Page 238-239]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 238-239 238 . AFFURISMS. Noboddy but a phool will spend hiz time trieing tew con- vince a phool. Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it ten spare the further we make it ,go. The tounge iz really a verry fasst member ov the boddy politick, he duz all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking. Men who invade the province uv wiemmin are alwus jeered at, and how kan wimmin, when they invade the province ov men expekt tew eskape the same kind ov treatment. He who spends hiz younger days in. disapashun iz mortgag- ing himself tew disseaze and poverty, two inexorable creditors, who are certain tew foreclose at last, and take possession ov the premises. Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew perfeckshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. MORAL: studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice. Young man don't marry abuv or below yure rank, not that i think thare iz evry virtew in rank, but thare iz custom in it, and custom often outranks law and gospel. Let him go, lni son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who had caught a yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him agin. The boy did az he waz told, and haz been looking for that rabbit ever since. The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys --digging roots for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz the virtewous innocence ov a lazy savage. Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and sleep well, and yet are sick all the time--theze are the folks who alwus enjoy poor health. If a nman hits yu, and you hit hm back, yu are even, but if yu don't strike back he iz yure debtor, and alwus owes yu a crack. A person with a little smattering ov: learning, iz a good deal like a lien's egg that haz been sot on for a short time, and then deserted by the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out ennything. PEPPER PODS. 239 People ov good sense" are thoze whoze opinynns agree with ours. Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in our big citys, people who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin with a gold spoon. The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and wor- ship together, iz the most sakred spot in this universe. Experience don't make a man so bold az it duz so careful. Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik; it iz stiff from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like a sleds stake. Thare ain't but very little ginowine good sense in this world enny how, and what little thare iz ain't in market, it iz held for a dividend. Thoze who hav made up their minds tew lead a life ov enjoyment will find the following recipee a grate help tew them: "To one ounce ov plezzure add a pound ov repent- anrce." Adversity iz a poultess which reduces our vanity and strengthens our virtew-even a boy never feels- half so good az when he haz just bin spanked and sot away tew cool. Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom yu meet. Lieing iz like trieing tew hide in a fog, if yu move about yure are in danger ov bumping yure hed aegin the truth,'and az soon az the fog blows oph yu are gone enny how. Marrying an angel iz the poetry ov marriage, but living with her iz the proze; and this iz all well enuff if the-taste ov the poetry hain't spilte our relish for the proze. The man who livs on hope must pick the bones ov dissa- pointment. The Devil iz sed tew be the father ov lies, if this iz so, he haz got a large family, and a grate menny promising children amung them. Life iz like a mug ov beer, froth at the top, ail in the mid- dle, and settlings at the bottom. page: 240-241[View Page 240-241]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 240-241 240 ArFURISM'S. We should liv in this life az tho we war walking on glaze ice, liable tew fall at enny moment, and tew be laffed at bi the bystanders. Men, if they ain't too lazy, liv sumtimes till they are 80, and destroy the time a good deal az follows: the fust 30 years they spend throwing stones at a mark, the seckond 30 they spend- in examining the mark tew see whare the stuns hit, and the remainder iz divided, in cussing the stun-throw- ing bizzness, and nussing the rumatizz. This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a spekulashun az going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp'stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked. HOOKS & EYES.' tlIARE are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I hav seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i- hav seen a rat tarrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn't cum out. The man who cant do any hurt in this world cant do any good. The grate art ov keeping friends iz tew keep them in ex- pectancy. After we hav got all a mans sekrets out ov him then we either dispise him or pitty him, and to be pittyed iz no better than to be dispised. Thare are people so addikted tew exagerashun, that they kant tell the truth without BIeing. Thare is no better evidence ov true friendship than tew speak ov a mans vices tew hiz face, and ov his virtews behind !, hiz back. I am rather favourably impressed with Gn and rilk, az an [; HOOKS & EYES. 24 extrat, and think a minister ov the gospel mite contend with sum ov it, on the sli, successfully, but when he cums to rec- komend it tew hiz people, i hav mi doubts about it, unless he knows hiz people better than i do. A man may possibly git the remembrance ov his natiff country out ov hiz mind, but he never ) ' kan out ov hiz heart. x, I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived in this world, a man who h a z improved . the whole ov hiz op- : portunity and abili- ;- I Wimmin quite t'i1 ' ' often possess supe- pray for thentsbutthe irevile and ee e but i t genius lays in them kniro it. pashuns. . Love hxa az most but a poor digestion. whExat it feeds o ndo the HOOKS AND EYES. most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed . I t iz our duty tew pray for them who revile and persetake ute us but religidont az long az we are obliged tew let them kno it. Just exackly az a man grows pure, he grows humble, The less we know the more we suspect. A grate mind haz no room for suspicion. Extreams meet, the very wisest are often seen to do the most phoolish things. It iz hard tew quit play while we are winning. It iz just so in morals, men seldum undertake tew git religion az long az -they kan git enny thing else. The man who never told a lie iz a well-bred man i don't kare if he sprung from a dunghill. 16: page: 242-243[View Page 242-243]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 242-243 it 242 AFFURISMS. Thare iz no better evidence ov wisdum than tew beleave ,i what we kant understand.. Trew courage iz as gentle az a pet lamb. When we are young we change our opinyuns too often. When we are old, too seldum. Thare aint no people in this world who makes so menny blunders az thoze who don't beleave " that enny good thing ever came out ov Nazareth." We lay all of our bad ink tewsum boddy else, but our suc- cesses we giv ourself kredit for. Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az unlike az the habits ov the pissmire and the ant. A dandy in love iz in just about az bad a fix az a stick ov mollassis kandy that haz half melted. Thoze who luv most to play jokes upon others, luv least tew hav jolkes played upon them. - One ov the most diffikult things for ani old person tew for- git and at the same time the most necessary, iz that they are no longer young. Seckond luv iz like a seckond case ov meazles-the pa- shunt alwus haz it light. 'Men in luv alwus akt like phools or lunatiks, ackordin tew the amount ov their branes. It iz better tew be stubborn than weak. There iz no more degrading servitude in this life than tew be obliged tew flatter another. Most men had rather be ritch than wize. Fear and courage both seem tew be constitutional, for we often see the ignorant the most courageous, and the most wize the most timid. About the best thing that extreme old age kan do for us iz tew make death a relief. Phools are alwus a wishing for sumthing. To be thoroughly pittyed will take the courage out ov enny man. Envy iz just az natral tew the heart ov man az blood iz tew 'hiz boddy. HOOKS & EYES. 243 When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, them i am happy. He who will flatter another, will rob him, if he gits a good chance. Thare might possibly be sum advantage, in entering a con- vent, if we could eskape from ourselfs, but go whare we will, we have tew keep company with one, who is able tew do us morehurt, than enny boddy else. The meanest kind ov a loafer iz he, who iz willing tew be abuzed by every one, for the privilege ov abuzing others. If it iz really a blessing tew die,. it must hav been a curse to be born. What iz the principal difference between poverty and ritches?--poverty kant be worse, and may be better; ritches kan be better, and may be worse,-the difference iz in favor of poverty. s We kant have a better evidence, ov the perversity ov human natur, than -the fakt, that we arrive at wisdom, thru our adversity, instead ov thru our reazon. A wize man never dispairs, when hope givs out, then cums resignashun. The best way i knoopv tew repent ov enny thing, iz tew do -better next time. i Fashion alwus lowers a grate man, but sumntimes elevates a little one. Thare iz nothing more bekuming to enny man than humility, yet it iz about the last thing he thinks ov. Too mutch reading, andtoo little-thinking, haz the same effekt on a man's mind, that too mutch eating, and to little exercise haz on hiz boddy. The highest rate ov interest that we pay iz on borrowed trouble-things that are always a going tew happen never do happen. Face all things!-even advertisy iz polite tew a man's face. A learned phool iz one who has read everything, and simply remembered it. Thare iz no good substitute for wisdum, but silence iz the best that haz been discovered yet. t page: 244 (Illustration) [View Page 244 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 244 (Illustration) FlIj 244 AFFURISMS. Confidence iz a big thing, it makes a hornet respektable, and the want ov it, iz just what makes the pissmire dispised. If I had a boy whose hair wouldn't part in the middle, I should bedew that hair with a parent's tear, and then giv up the boy. JAW BONES. DRY GOODS are worshiped in this world now more than the Lord iz. Councilling with fear iz the way cowards are made; coun- cilling with hope iz the way heroes are- made; councilling with faith iz the way Christians are made. Pleazure iz like a hornet--generally ends with a sting. The most dangerous characters in the world are thoze who live in the subburbs ov virtew-they ire rotten ice. 4 Lazyness iz a good deal like money-the more a man,-haz ov it, the more he seems tew want. Thare iz no such thing az inheriting virte'w; money and titles and fever sores kan be inherit : The virtews of a convent are li house fruits--tender, but tasteless. Life iz like a mountain-after climbing up one side and sliding down the other, put up the sled. When a man proves a' literary failure, he generally sets up for a critick, and like the fox in the- fable, who had lost hiz brun'sin a trap, kant see a nice long tail without hankering tew' The devil owes most ov his -success tew the fackt that he iz alwus on hand. Coquetts often beat up the game, while the Prudes bag it. Thare iz only one excuse for- impudence, and that iz igno- ranse. Modest men, in trieing tew be impudont, alwus git sassy. Reputashun iz like money-the principal is often lost by putting it out at interest. I.--A Swiss Bell-wringer. page: -245[View Page -245]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -245 'i. * ODS AND ENS. 24'5" Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for if we love an- other more than we do ourselfs we shant be jealous. Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not find enny fault at all, wouldn't hesitate tew say tew an angle worm, that hiz tail waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz boddy. Thare' iz menny who are kut out for smart'men, but who won't pay for making up. Envy iz an insult tew a man's good sense; for envy iz the pain we feel at the excellencies ov others. How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like the pith in a goose quill. ODS AND ENS. NATUR never makes enny blunders. When she makes a phool she means it. I hav finally cum tew the konklusion that the majority ov mankind kan be edukated on the back better than in the brain, for good clothes will often make a phool respectable, while edukashun only serv^ ew show his weak pints. I never knu a man yet whoze name waz George Washing- ton Lafayette Goodrich, Esq., and who alwus sighned hiz name for the full amountt wi't waz a bigger man on paper than i he waz by natur. '! . As a gineral. thing ian inl ual who iz neat in hiz person iz neat in hiz morals. .i " . Man iz mi brother, anI I konsider that i am nearer reliated tew him thru hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews. Thare iz nothing about which theworld makes so few blun- ders, and the individual so menny, as a man's acktual impor- tanse among hiz fellow critters. A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth. The pashuns ov an old man are often like hiz teeth, they page: 246-247[View Page 246-247]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 246-247 246 AFFURISMS. cease to trouble him, simply bekauze the nerve is ded. The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew, and this iz the very thing that kant be transmitted. Affecktashun haz made more phools than the Lord haz. About the nearest tew absolute insolven- cy that a man kan git in this world and think heiz dieingrich, iz to leave nothing but a pedigree tew hiz family. I don't pretend tew hav enny less vile pashuns than my na- bors,;but i do despize the person, most hearti- ly, who caters tew thoze i hay got. The man who kant find enny thing to do in this world, iz az bad oph az a yearling heffer. Thare iz no pashun ov the human heart that promises so much and pays so little az revenge. Thare haint no man yet lived lg f in this world tew doubt the infalibility ov hiz judgement. Thare iz this odds between 'anorous lekter and a scientif- fick one, yu hav got to understand tke humorous lektur tew enjoy it, but you kan enjoy the scientiffick one without under- standing it. It iz but a step from zeal tew bigotry, but it iz a step that iz most generally taken. Don't lay enny certain plans for the fewter, it iz like plant- ing tuds, and expekting tew raze tudstools. No man yet who had strength ov mind enuff ever resorted tew cunning. Cunning iz haff brother tew fear, and they are both ov them weakness. ODS AND ENS. 247 Natur once in a while makes a phool, but az a general thing phools, like garments, are made tew order. A man who iz good company for himself is alwus good com- pany 'for others. Genuine praize consists in naming a man's faultz to hiz face, and hiz good qualitys tew hiz back. One ov the best temporary cures for pride and affektashun that i hav ever seen tried iz sea sickness; a man who wants tew vomit never puts on airs. A fault concealed iz but little better than one indulged -in., Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target, the more time spent in taking aim, the less danger thare iz in hit- ting the mark. tI have alwus nloti? one thing, when a pel son bekums dis- gusted with this wo:ri, and konkludes to withdraw from it, the world very kindly lets the person went. Woman haz no friendships. She either loves, despises, or hates. A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days in the fall ov the year, every hour brings a change in the weather. I love tew see an old person joyfull, but not kickuptheheels- full. A coquette in love iz just about az tame az a bottle ov gin- ger pop that haz stood sum time with the, cork pulled out. Human happin iz like the I:Hottentott language, enny boddy kan talk iel[ enuff, but thare ain't but phew can understand it. . - Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper colar iz ov a shirt. Whatever Providence haz given us the fakulty tew do, he haz given us the power tew do. Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like little flies; grate bores without meaning or knowing it. Great iniquitys seem tew baptize themselfs. If the devil had only been guilty of petty larcency he wouldn't hav bin heard ov agin. page: 248-249[View Page 248-249]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 248-249 248 AFFURISMSs. The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord. All the good injuns die young. How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post. I hav herd a grate deal ced 'about "broken hartes," and thare may be a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter. I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a maithan enny quantity ov brains. A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun. Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left. As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well. If I was asked which was the best w2in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i shoulity--bring him up the back way. I hav known folks whose calibre was very small, but whose bore was very big. If a man begins life bi being fist Lutenant in his familee, lie never need to look for promoshun. A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram. I never could tee any use in making wooden gods mail and femrail,. FUST IMPRESHUNS. 249 FUST IMPRESHUNS. FUST impreshuns are sed tew be lasting. Enny man who haz only been stung bi a hornet once will swear to this. The safest way for most folks to do iz to do az the rest do. Thare aint but phew who kan navigate without a kompass. A wize m a n iz \ s v b thugt never konfounded bi what he dont under- '"k stand, b u t a phool Yung man, donwevr' t /!", grind yure scythe all on one side I don't know ov a t more lamentable sight than an old rale--even e p e nt- ante looks' like a weakness in him. Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a FUST IMPRESHUNS. good and a cheap stake tew make. Our very best thoughts often cum tew us" den, but seldum perfekt. They require polishing up tew make them komplete. Do a good turn, yung man, whenever yu kan, even if yu hav tew turn a grindstun to do it, Repentance iz generally konsidered a weakness, but i kno ovr nothing more indiative ov strength. Humnan knowledge iz not very komprehensiv after all, for i hav seen men wlho could kalkulate an elips to a dot, who couldn't harness a hoss tew save tleir lives. I don't kno ov a more diffikult karacter tew fill, nor a more butiful one when filled, than the command in the Bible- :Be ye az wize az a sarpent, but harmless az a dove." page: 250-251[View Page 250-251]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 250-251 250 AFFURISMS. Every boddy in this world wants watching, but none more than ourselves. Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turn- ed the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind. L A. weak corstitushun kan be strengthened, but a weak set ov branes kan't. Vanity iz a strange pashun--rather than be out ov a job it will brag ov its vices. All phools are poor listeners. About all it takes tew make a wize man iz tew giv other people's opinyuns az mutch weight as we do our own. Flattery iz like ice-kream-to relish good we want it a little at a time, and often. -:: The more yu praze a man who don't deserve it, the more yu abuze him. Yu kan't flatter a truly wize man-he knows just how mutch praze iz due him; that he takes, and charges over all the bal- lance tew the proffit and loss ackount. Once in a grate while Fortune will acktualy hunt for a man, but generally thoze who are favoured with her smiles hav tew woo them. Thare seems tew be a degree of excentricity attending all, and yu will notiss this, that while the excentricitys ov a clown are quite often pleasant, the excentricitys ov a grate man are most always disagreeable. . I don't beleave in fatalism, only so far az phools and ras- kals are concerned. It iz very diffikult for me tew tell whi the lion should be so strong and the ant so weak, when one iz nothing but a grate loafer and the other the very pattern ov industry and thrift. How kan we ever expekt tew find a perfekt person in this world when we kan't even find one who iz haffaz good az he kan be. Nu beginners in literature are alwus bothered tew find a subjekt tew write on; as they progress they are more troubled tew find what tew write on a subjekt. FUST IMPRESHUNS. 251 Men are seldum underrated; the merkury in a man finds its true level in the eyes ov the world just az certainly az it duz in the glass ov a thermometer. I hav no doubt but that the human hart kontains all the pure attributes that the angels possess, but no single human hart kontains even a moity ov them. Sosiety iz made up ov the good, bad, and, indifferent; and what makes so mutch trouble iz, the inddiferents are in the majority, A man who iz neither good nor bad iz like an old musket laid away, without any lock, but a heavy charge in it. When a man haz dun a charitable thing without letting the world kno it, he haz dun all that an angel kould do in the premises. Too mutch ov the religion in this world konsists in kon- fessing our sins to ourselfs and to each other. I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a sin- gle virtew. Even Judas Iskarlot " went and hanged him- self." The old saying haz it, " it iz a wize child that knows hiz own father," but in theze daze ov progreshun it iz a wize father that knows hiz own child. The vanity ov most men iz so mutch more than a match for their experience that they seldum learn enny thing bi ex- perience. The pashuns are like the wick ov a lighted kandle-they don't die out untill they are burnt out. Thare iz lots ov folks who are in sich a grate hurry tew git religion that they confess sins they aint gilty ov, and overlook thoze that they am. A man with a hed phull. ov branes kan afford tew be kareless once in a while, for even hiz ;)lunders are brilliant. Experience inkreases our wizdum, but don't reduse our phollys. - I Buty iz power; but the most treacherous one i kno ov. The man who haz got into the habit ov never making enny blunders, iz altogether too good to liv in this-world. page: 252-253[View Page 252-253]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 252-253 252 AFFURISMS. Wimmin bi natur are all coquets, and men bi natur are all braggarts. I will say this for man-i don't kno ov enny enterprize he haz ever undertaken yet which had for its desighn the gen- eral interest ov humanity, but what haz succeeded. If i am charitable, if i am komplasent, if i am grateful, if i am honest, if i am virtewous-what ov it?-i hav simply dun mi duty. I am satisfied that thare aint no sich thing az eloquent words. Eloquence lays in manner, and i hav even seen an eloquent necktie. Style iz everything for a sinner, and a leetle ov it won't lhurt even a saint. Gravity, az a general thing, iz either the wizdum ov a phool or the cunning ov a raskall. Humility iz a good thing tew hav, provided a man iz sure he haz got the right kind. Thare never iz a time in a kat's life when she iz so humble az just before she makes up her mind tew pownce onto a chicken, or just after she haz caught and et it. PLUM PITS. A MAN with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea on him, dredful oneazy. I have alwus notised when an individual haint got the ability tew criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately. What do yu bet Fame iz? I bet it iz climeing a greased pole tew win a puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothes worth fifteen. New York iz a fast place. If a man pulls out on a phune- ral procession, jist az likely az not the whole procession, led bi the hearse boss, will strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew take their dust. Ambishun iz like hunger-it obeys no law but its appetight. PLUM PITS. 253 There iz no medicine like a good joke; it iz a silver-coated pill that frolicks and phisicks on the run. Beauty iz a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts an end to. The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise in the esteem ov the world abuv the reputashun ov a good guide-board. I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-carrier than tew hear another hod-carrier say, "He iz a cussid phool and dont understand hiz bizzness." Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who lkan eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it unless spred with butter. Vote early and vote Du unto others a z yu would be dun by. infidel in mi life, and, he had no more courage than a haft drowned kitten jist pulled ou ov a swill barrel, and Debt i% a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gits into. two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter byr laying out the patient. One good way i kn o ov to find happiness iz not by boreing page: 254-255[View Page 254-255]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 254-255 254 AFFURISMS. a hole to fit the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole. A lie iz like nitro-glycernne. the best ov judges kant tell when it iz going tew bust and skatter confushun. A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist'az the pail iz full, and seldum misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men's blunders. Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid. About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke. Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted. Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christifans and-wide awake sinners. Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others. All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov' stone to one ounce ov gold. Hope and Debt are partners in trade-Hope hunts up the. customers and Debt skins them. Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track. Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over. Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters. A man has got'- about done going down hill when he gits whar he brags on hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard. He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his reward here and hereafter; but hiz reward here will be the poor-house. Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and lie will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two sillables. GNATS. 255 A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the heats--" blood will tell." Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav bin straining for years after a camel and -finally had to swallow a nat. We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew reach it. Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep- fatt bi sucking its claws. Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn't neither kilk nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay. GNATS. DONT kno az it iz a very difficult thing ftew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in. Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins. What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors mis- fortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven. Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew-bed in the dark, whistling tew shorten the distance. "The gods help them who help themselfs." Upon the same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs. Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but dreadful dobby. Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov game that kant be reproduced. Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs. Tew be happy-take things az they cum, and let them go jist az they cum. page: 256-257[View Page 256-257]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 256-257 256 AFFURISMS. It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don't take but little virtew. It iz the little things ov this life that plague us-- Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse. What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all the pride and selfishness out ov it! It would improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the other world. Don't mistake plezzure for happiness; it iz entirely a dif- ferent breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezztre that haz no happiness in it. Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i like to see idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss-i want mi mollassiss slo and eazy. Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz on a goose, it makes them tuffer. "Sewing Sosietys," are generally places whare the wimmin meet to rip and so-up the naberhood. A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare; an indus- trious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows what to do with. It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don't kno. A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one--the hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt-it iz harder tew set still, and fite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them. KINDLING WOOD., YOUNG man, when yu hav tew sarch Webster's Dick- shionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don't mean mutch. We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire'bravery in a man. KINDLING WOOD. 257 Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety. About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how tew enjoy mizery. It iz a grate art tew kno how tew " gather figs from this- tles, but philosophy teaches it. The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz b)ekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls. We are poor not from what we need, but from what- we want; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap. I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint essence--i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred yards belo, for this reazon,when I read a book it iz one written by an old an thor whze thougne ts eye the keep oodern rihe other haz that en do kan one be acattempted tew im- prove bi diluting. This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reasonwhi so menny ov them live unno- ticed iz bekause they, adorn every day life and not an ockashun. All, sucktess- ff flirts hay sharp eyes, one eye they kceep on yu and one on the other phellow. Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do kan ortner be traced tew their vanity than tew -their virtew. page: 258-259[View Page 258-259]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 258-259 258 - FURISMS. . IMan iz a hily eddikated animal. . Don't never phrovesy, yung. man, for if yu phrovesy H wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it. Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable. Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different. Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust. It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it. Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laft; animals kant laff and devils won't. Don't never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew imak yu. I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own. He who ackquires wealth. dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it. When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale--run before the wind. Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel. I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun i than he did ov mine. i Edukashun that don't learn a man how tew think iz like i knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards. Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat-the rat iz quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole. Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule--it sets them tew kiking bak. One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that noboddy will pliollow, and relating experiences that every boddy distrusts. An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier KINDLING WOOD. 2 9 are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for amuzement! Vice in the young fills us with horror-in the old, with disgust. Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain't a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan "shine em up " a leetle better than- enny one else. The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz-death. The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it. The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits. Truth iz the only thing that. Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with. Life' iz short, but if yu notis the wayr most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting. The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable. The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills. Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field; trip an army ov its cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob. Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio. " If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and hate the devil. Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting another man's kandle bi yours. I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man. To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men possess. page: 260-261[View Page 260-261]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 260-261 260 AFFURISMS. It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than ! what tew say. The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit. Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you. A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs. If we couldn't neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be. When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has tuched bottom. Afterall, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than beloved. In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense. Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten min- nits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummukl akes. PHSH B AWLS. INS are the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything repenting ov blunders. I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our bad luk to besides ourselfs. Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then they aint dry. I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 commandments. Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized, every morning. The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those-who are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it. PHSH BAWLS. 261 I kno plenty ov' folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if' they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream. One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz hap- pened. Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav. Temper should be curbed, not broken. I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent. The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach. Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup. I wouldn't nndertake tew korrekt a mrans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one. I haven't mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from. After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others. Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy. It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don't konsider it enny disgrace .tew be bit bi a dog. Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so low a source that it don't do a man enny good. It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypo- krit than it duz tew be a christian. Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do from cowardice. The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kom- pareing gouts and rumatiss. Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews. About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings. Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the page: 262-263[View Page 262-263]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 262-263 262 AEFURISMS. fiercest-so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire. - Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph fromn a log, a man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it. Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy.: Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one ov the most natral ones. Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, and honor in old age. Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing S tew be the kause ov it. Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none. Heaven- -iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we kant see them. The genuine Christians are the laffing ones, the man who i haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull'ov the devil's oats. Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az trieing tew trace out a kat's pedigree. - Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun. ' Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he don't hav too mutch ov it; thare iz a point at which pashunce begins tew be ignorance. Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their attrackshun. When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only tew shoot at. Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend tew their own bizness. The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence-he iz alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last. Yu may make a mistake in a man's kapacity, but yu kant in hiz vanity. Natur never haff-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt. Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a coward's paradise. PHSIf BAWLS. 268 Thare ain't ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness. bat i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum. A good naturd man haz got one ov them kinld ov souls that will gro ennything that iz planted in it, good, bad, or indiffirent. Human- happiness iz sutch an eazy, simple thing that thoze who hav the most ov it kno it the least. Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, bekauze it makes them more kareful; but sutch men are skarse. Yu kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast. The only safe way for most people tew git along in this world iz tew watch others, and do jist az they do. Human happiness iz like Joseph's coat-a thing of menny colors. I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and no heart, or the one who iz all heart and no hed. Hope iz no flatterer--she cheats every body alike, but after all, iz the best friend we have got. Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit--God, man, and the devil. An idle man iz always a bizzy one-he spends all hiz time hunting for nothing to do. Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a bizzy phool. Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew- thare are sum people who only edukate their vices. Every man should kno sumthing ov law-if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer. Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing the shoes before the man dies. The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing tew reform themselfs, thus presenting tew the world one good example, worth at least a dozen precepts. tRum, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level. About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the ritch hav tu enjoy it. page: 264-265[View Page 264-265]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 264-265 264 AFFURISMS. The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but m jist as soon as we git out ov it. There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins. -Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if yu du, you'll find you've spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel. -STRAY CHTLDREN:. IDONT think thare iz ennything that a man iz remarkable for, that iz more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys. Thare iz this diffrence at least, between wit and humor, wit makes yu think,' Thumor maest wayou way . despise flattery. I wouldn't giv a shilling a Iound for religion that yu kant take ennywhere out into the world with yu, even tew a boss race, if yu hav-a mind tew, without losing it. Tew do nothing, and tew be ov no use few ennyboddy, the, privilege ov wild beasts. The best way tew convince a phool he iz wrong, iz few let him havy hiz own way. STRAY CHLDREN. - 26 The very thing that most men think they have got the most ov, they hav got the least ov, and that iz judgement. - A mar iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, just in proportion tew hiz humility. A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a peakock, in a fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial cums, like a peakock: in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, "and steals silently away." When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that virtew takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause it haz nothing to feed on. Alwus foiler yure own advise, and let other folks foller theirs. People who havn't got ennything tew say, kan always find the most tew talk about. Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, they would do diferent, but i hav never heard' enny ov them propose to liv better. It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world would git along very poorly, if it want for ts, and if thare want but one man left on the face ov the earth, he would think just so too. The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, are after all- the prinsipal promoters ov industry. Munny ain't akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as tew kreate them. It iz a very wize man who is able tew hide his ignorance. Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift of God. A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan learn tew be hansum. One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth more in the world than a whole drove of geniuses. Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one thinks they are sensible, and the other alwus think they are sober. Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not page: 266-267[View Page 266-267]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 266-267 266 AFFURISMS. only eazier, but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men think they are abuv you, than tew make one think you are abuv him. Don't forgit, yung man, that excesses in youth are a mort. gage in favor ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail to for- close and enter on the premises. I Jlav made a' luss kalkulashun on it, and i find that there aint more than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, who kan kultivate an excentricity with suckcess. I hate a crowd, bekauze crowds are made up ov people who aint ov much ackount, only tew help make up a crowd. Don't borry nor lend, but if you must do one, lend. Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will agree tew be a philosopher the rest ov mi days. Ie whomn prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, is the true lero. Faith beats both wisdumn and learning. Envy and jealousy are two pashunz, which no man haz ever yet been free from, and yet no man ever admits he -iz possessed of them. Take all the good luk out ov this world, and millionaires and heroes would be dredful skarse. Genius, like the yung eagle, don't hav tew make enny trial[ trips, but when it iz full fledged, pushes boldly out, even towards the sun. Fortune iz represented az blind, and thoze who receive most ov her favours go it blind. If theare want no evil in this world, thare wouldn't be much wisdum, i suppoze. It iz the little things ov life that makes the burden heavy-- to carry a hundred weight at once iz no grate load, but tew hav it put on our backs, a pound at a time, iz. Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore- sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken. Haven't yu ever seen a little child tri tew pik up four apples with its little hands at once, and spill at least two ov them? STRAY CHLDREN. 267 Men are konstantly trieing the same game, with the same kind ov suckeess. One way tew define love iz, that it makes usphealphunny and akt phoolish. Love feeds on hopes and fears, and, like the chameleon, takes its color from what it feeds on. Silence makes but phew .blunders, and thoze it kan easily korrekt. Thare iz hardly enny man so wicked but that he respekts virtew for the protekshun- it affords him. The further advances. a man makes in knowledge, the less satisfied he iz with what he knows. Gallantry may possibly be defined az the politeness ov flattery. My yung friend, don't forgit one thing-however cunning 'yu may be, the eazyest man in all the world for yu tew cheat iz yureself. Az good a way az i kno ov tew git at enny man's honesty, iz tew divide what he claims tew hav by four, and then guess at what's left. The text which haz been most preached from by the human family iz vanity. Thare are az menny old phools in this world az yung ones, and the old ones are the sillyest. The publik judge ov a man by his suckcess. Avarice eats up everything, even ekonemy. Hope ii a blind guide, but whare will you find a better one? I like a wide-awake Christian, one whoze virtew has got some kayenne pepper in it. Indolence may not be a crime, but it iz liable tew be at enny time. I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world than real. Most ov us, when we repent ov our sins, think it iz a change ov heart, when in fakt, it iz only a fear ov punishment. I hav sumtimes thought that the man with menny vices, page: 268-269[View Page 268-269]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 268-269 268 AFFUBISMS. was safer than with one, for the menny vices often wear each other out, while the one wears the man out. Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and thare iz a time to say amen, rool up yure sleeves and pitch in. "Reforn! Reform " this iz too often the watchword ov mere charlatans. Thare iz but very pbew men whoze wisdum lasts them their lives out. Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew; i have seen men affekt the rake and the roue, whoze best holt waz the katekism. It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults nor failings. He who sues for suckcess don't git it so often az lie who demands it. Suckcess iz a coquet,- and a bashful lover never wins her. No woman yet waz ever satisfied to be a prude, who could be a suckcessfull coquet. Flattery iz just like cheeze, or ennything else we deal in, ' the supply is alwus regulated bi the demand. E If all the vanity should leave this world, haff the virtew i would go with it; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are L simply proud -oy our various virtews. Blood ain't nothing, munny and clothes iz what tells. The things in this world that are the best done show the least sighns ov labour, yet they are the most diffikult to do; the reason ov this iz, bekauze they are so natral. . It iz eazy enuff; perhaps, for us tew tell what we admire, esteem and respekt, in a man, but tew tell -what we love ain't so eazy. Amung the vast number ov phools in this world thare iz only a phew who are born so. Accepting praize that iz not- our due iz not mutch better than tew be a receiver of stolen goods. Thoze who hlave once tasted the joys ov Hiumility will tell yu that it iz the sweetest cup their Heavenly Father ever held to their lips INK BRATS. 269 INK BRATS. TIIANK Heaven for one thing, that thare iz not in this wide world a human, or inhuman being, that i would not rather help than hurt. I find this sentimentin mi conscience, or i wouldn't dare claim it, and i kno mi own conscience better than enny boddy else duz. Better lend yure dimes tew a stranger than yure affeck- shuns. Better lend yure dollars to enny boddy than yure dolors. Silence iz venerable; if thare iz enny thing older than the Creator, it must hav bin silence. The buty ov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful az a prince, and the power ov gratitude iz that "I thank you," makes the beggar equal tew the prince. A good conscience iz the best friend we kan hav, and a bad one the worst, becauze it never deserts us. Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day. Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers-the grate struggle iz tew git into' the king row. Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us; it iz the wust slavery thare iz. How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without mean- ing enny thing; this i kall heat lightnin'g I say, owe no man; owing iz but little better than stealing. We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi con- science; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a very poor seckond fiddle. The maan who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. Sum ov the meanest cusses i ever knu had got tew be so honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound. If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits a chance . Awl plezzures are lawful that don't end in making us feel sorry. The mnan who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, hum- page: 270-271[View Page 270-271]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 270-271 270 AFFULISMS. ble when he communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and polite tu truth, iz one ov the boys. Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the -pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tare- ing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes. Dutys are privileges. Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom? restraint and protek- tion. Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful uneazy tew take. A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven. Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philoso- i pher, than - tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a clean, phatt, aud well disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, trieing tewsmash a hammer awl tew pieces with a looking glass. Evry man kan boast ov one admirer. If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the people, fire at their vices, not at the people; the trew way to abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug. Life iz apunktuated paragraff; disseazes are the commas. sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop. No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got. Don't giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov a handsum boot iz the little fut that iz in it. I don't beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how. The man who wrote, "I would not liv always, I ask not tew sta," probably never had been urged sufficiently. Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the same spot. INK BRATS. 271 The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz ship. It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate upon suclkeess, unless a man sets up for a phool-in this department, i hav known hun- dreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns. I don't want enny better evidence that a man iz a phool than tew see him cultivate excentricitys. The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz drunk, or in a pashioni, haz got a giant karakter. I have found out that happiness konsists in working'bizzy 12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out ov every 24. Mankind loves misterys-a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a star in -the heavans. "Experience iz a good schoolmaster," but reason iz a better one. A Pedant iz a lernt phool-pedantry iz a little knowledge on parade- pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in, it. All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and lypokrits, whoze religion differs. Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks. How. on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind,- when thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs. Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing more than shrewdnIess-and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, haff sister to virtew. Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners. Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles. If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Command- ment, it would. be this-ow'e no man. Young ones and dogs?-thoze who are the least able to sup- port them, generally hav the most ov them. Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro stubbornner. People travel to learn; most ov them (before they start) should learn to travel. page: 272-273[View Page 272-273]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 272-273 Cit2^ AFFURISMS. I don't beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemnly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party. Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg's tale--a very good kind ov kittle so long az it ain't our dorg's tale. "GHTNING BUGS. TE7ZZURES make folks acquainted with each other, but it takes trials, and grief, tew make them know each other. It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the strongest when ha gro older what we gain ld, in zest,and thare izbest ones, the weakest. Truth dontrequire the aid ov elegant, hiand high stepping words, tew express its force, or bury, it iz like Water, tastes bet- ter out ova woodden bucket, than it duz out ova golden gob- let. Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams a r e a I w u s IGHHTNaIN BGS,. shallo. Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled. "GHTNING BUGS. 273 About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around )ose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite. Solitude iz the idleness ov natur. Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare z in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle. Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we hould try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy. A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee. Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety. No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace. A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint rot enny strength to hiz tail. Vanity iz the superstition ov pride. Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don't intoxikate. I often meet in mi travels bigoted Christians, who seem tew think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov ex- change, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are enly bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by gen- eral consent, provided it iz decently well executed. I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, humid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping - snake. "Beware ov the dog!" also ov the whispering man, and' the loud-talking woman. Piety, like beans, duz the best on apoor sile. A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven. Angels handle the dice when doublets are. thrown in' the, cradle. If I waz going tew pick up some snake, 1 certainly should take holt of the further end ov him, this iz ,the way i handle. "ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded' thare. A man don't alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus- grows old az he grows wize. The biggest phool in this world Maint bin. born. yet;' thare iz plenty ov time yet. 18; page: 274-275[View Page 274-275]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 274-275 274 AFFURISMS. A petted child iz like a bile that won't cum tew a hed. Publik honours, in" this country, are quite often like the pcock's tail, fust rate for- a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with the tail. I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung care- lessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor. Cannon balls-are the bulbous plants ov Liberty. Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder- windy folks will please make a note ov this. Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain't no sich thing, nor hadn't ought tew be enny sich thing, X in this world. About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run over them; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won't. I hope i shall never hav so mutch 'reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil. Thare seemnt tew be this difference between an old widdow- er and an old bachelor; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for thie widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty. Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness; i should- as soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, forrun- ning aginst it. An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them; a Yankee afterwards. Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fashion. Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i notiss, don't hav mutch ov enny thing else. Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal pri- vately. ' I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds; a man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov jail. - \ \ PARBOILS. 275 PARBOILS. T is a good sign,when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight. Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we want, then cums fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness. Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on thd bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them. Cunning iz, the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum. Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enuff, but dont show their works in their face. Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for what they call friendship. About / the best 'that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means ov grace. When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trie- ing tew walk a crack. Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizzi- ness. It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz. 7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days. Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength: ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the page: 276-277[View Page 276-277]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 276-277 276 AFURISMS s meat, while other kinds hit everything but the center; and glance oph at that. Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, and hav a whole lot ov haff wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered. Precept, iz a buck saw, experience the elbow grease, that runs the cussed thing. Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey hIoun, that runs only by sight. Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize, it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and putting a slow match tew them. "Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu." Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz the very sublimity ov blowing yure own trumpet. If we would be happy in this world and in the world to cum, we should live az tho this day waz our- last here, and tommorow our first in eternity. Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools; good breeding iz the luxury ov the wise. Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed-if this is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable. He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun. It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale College, that the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to hell, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven-what a waste of time and muscle! Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they kan prove-this. akounts for the little they know. Most people hev found out sumhow, that they "kant serve God and mamon too," and so they serve mamon. Excentricitys,. most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the excentrik- man into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking glass, it keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery. , , NEST EGGS. 2" A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny side ov a wood-shed, in the last ov winter. Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey fromn a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, trieing teu liv upon buty. The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure prin- ciple back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you think ov it. Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except-air and water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the supply too grate for the demand. A good book iz like a good law. Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an undertaker. "Familiarity breeds kontempt." This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared. ' A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals. We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying. Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees before folks without getting your pantaloons dirty. The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards-one hides 'hiz store and the other stores hiz hide. Credit iz like chastity; they both ov them kan stand temp- tashun better than they kan suspicion NEST EGGS. IT iz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in thare too. page: 278-279[View Page 278-279]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 278-279 278 AFFURISMS. Good natur iz the daily bread ov life. The wealth ov a person should- be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it. pthools, like phishes, alwus run in skools. 'What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man. It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one that watches hiz na- bors. Biz bloys ar like wisdum. Thare iz this dif- erence bet eeno i cunning man hand avt ize 'ne the iu. ning one looks thru a mikriskope, t h e wize one thru a tele- skope. V'anit y iz the chief ingredient in every h u m an harte. Yer will find it az keommon amung slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes. Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate hurry about nething. One grate reazon whi every boddy likes the falls ov Ni- agara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it. Thare iz sun hope ov a mail who iz wicked, but not weak. Debt. iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuff tew git into, but hard enuff tew git out ov. Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at the same time so agreeable az deference. NEST EGGS. 279 Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the works support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, jist a leetle. Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may be able tew liv by it, but yu kant liv on it-hash will tell. Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound. The history ov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, the viktory iz to " never say die." The way tew Fame iz like klimbing a greast pole; thare aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don't pay. It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what we think for what we know ; this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are traveling around loose. Amlbishun iz like a tred wheel; it knows no limits; yu no sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin. We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when we are laffing at others. Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil. It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az itiz an empty bag. Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it. Children are like vines; they will klimb the pole yu set up for them, be it krooked or strate. Happiness iz not only the choicest possekhun, but the cheapest; it kosts nothing, if you only think so. Idleness, like industry, iz ketching. The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun. Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short. az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards. A nickname will outlast all a man's deeds, be they good, bad, or indifferent. Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov; it iz both cheap and: durable. page: 280-281[View Page 280-281]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 280-281 280 AFURISMS. Conshience iz our private sekretary. The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber. Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master. The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it iz a grate pitty they don't change works with each other. A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill. Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out. A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns. It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves. The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a puppy. Plezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for everything. The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezzure a bizzness; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long. Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the krop iz repentance. Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain't mutch nourishment in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor. Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse. CHCKEN FEED. THARE iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant console, and she iz--a setting hen. Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health. Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes f CHCKEN FEED. 281 the whole congregashun, he probably hatz preached one that the Lord wont endorse. Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one. Truth iz the edict ov God. The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old grannys, who possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the ballance they guess at. About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz tew shed tears. Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed. I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own. A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov abusing others. Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole time hunting after rhighteousriess and haint got enny spare time tew praktiss it. Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe train- ing duz on the pugilist-it reduces him tew his fighting waight. Natfir kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to alter it generally spiles the whole thing. Affliktions are like the summers sun--they wilt for the pur- puss ov ripening. If yu want to find out a man's real disposishun, take him when he iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him and fill him up, and you hav got an angel.. The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dis- honest he iz. Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man bekums so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he never haz committed. Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and it iz enuff. If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be knumb. page: 282 (Illustration) [View Page 282 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 282 (Illustration) 82 AFFURISMS. It dont take muteh tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that requires grate argumentatiff ability. Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none. but confide in yure own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs no one. What a man gains in cunning he alwus- lozes in wisdum. He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint so wize az a mule-for they will kick at a thing they dont expekt tew reach. All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one in ten thousand kan fill-the karakter ov an old man. Money iz like grain-it iz never so well invested az when it iz well sown. A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat. Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have often made money disgracefull. How menny people thare iz who only go into society just for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their , gripes and grunts! Such people ought tew be sent at once to the pest house. Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with temperance, at the highest rates. Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and haff. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kaht show a friend that will stick to him thru thik and thin. Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it. Beauty iz the melody ov the features. I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a person or individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant. Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an effort ov the will than ov the understanding. - It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man's timestun untill he haz gone dead. If they were published while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be tew lhiz reputashun. I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. He DOG-DAYS. Trane up a Dog in the way he should go- --and'away he goes It page: -283[View Page -283]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -283 HARD TACK. 283 committed the most sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, ov enny person history iz familiar with. One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizashun iz tew see amung the masses a bekuming respekt and reverence for the aged. Before yu undertaik tew change a man's politiks or religion, be sure yu hav got a better one to offer him. Altho the world iz chuck full ov liars, thare iz but few men who dont prefer tew listen tew the truth. No man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philos- ophy iz a good thing tew preach, but a cussed poor thing tew liv on. Tew be forgiven, weakens us; but tew forgiv others, weak- ens them. I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the fust time. Great men are seldnm intimate. They are too jealous to love or esteem each other. HARD TACK. DONT like tew speak, disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam, waz a bigger one. Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.) It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at oust, and bekum so suddenly vir- tewous that they freeze up stiff. It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno, jist enuff tew doubt and tew differ. page: 284-285[View Page 284-285]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 284-285 284 AFFURISMS. Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity gits entire control ov a man's affairs, it runs the affairs and the man both into the ground. Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks hiz conscience to be high priest av the cerimonys. Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i dispize it. Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold-klubs and spades for man. I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for; she beat the fist man ' born into the world r' : Out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan e: beat the last- one with the same pd ait ars. The man who ie n Ian i n al stand abusekan gHen- -K erally stand prosper- nr i t d a ity. Theonly way tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with p thel Bblle in one hand and a sworde in the other. sn If i could only! praktiss az 'Well az i kan preach, i would not thank a man few HARD TACK. warrent me in this world. nor in the world tew cure. The kream ova joke dont never lay on the top. but alwus at the bottom'. Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that .dont belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hay him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party. About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze sins. HARD TACK. 285 Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov' principle. I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear -than a fall on the ice. I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without expekting in the last extremity-tew be saved from it; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exkla- mashuln, "My God! my God! why hast thou forsaken me ." I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal suffering-i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winllking. r Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jeal- onsys-even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun. { Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare al- wus will be. I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule-if a freak ov fortune had made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile and a hlaff off. Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must, go for the chances. Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting th!e wuth ov our money. Tew work iz the grate law ov natur-if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two. Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bekum suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given,- him one, the collar ov which wan't starched stiff -enuff. Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew enny- boddy in pertikular. page: 286-287[View Page 286-287]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 286-287 286 AEFURISMS. Things haz got so now, if a man stops,he iz a-going tew be run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun. If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send, dancing-masters or missionarys. We speak ov "falling in lovew, without always thinking that it iz the only way tew git in love-we all stumble into it, and kan seldum tell how or why. One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts what he ought tew say, iz tew say nothing. It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared. Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters cum. In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness. The best kind ov advice tew loller iz that which agrees with our own opinyun. SOLLUM THOUGHTS. THE fear ov God iz the philosphy ov religion; the love X ov God iz the charity of religion. Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out. Better leave yure child virtew than money; but this iz a sekret known only tew a few;. I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain't so. - - About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two galls at once, and preserve a good average. Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards. A nickname will outline enny man or thing; it iz like the crook in a dogg's taile, you may cut it oph,and throw it behind the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph. SOLLUM THOUGHTS. 287 If yu analize what most men kall plezzure, yu will find it compozed ov one part humbugg, and two parts pain. When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once; this iz the way to learn to be bizzy. We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes iz tew fight with them-I hav tried both- ways, and recom- mend a successful dodge. The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it. The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them. Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men; the few men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, haV a divine right tew take holt ov it tew ax disadvantage. The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be use- ful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy. Whare religion iz a trade, morality is a merchandize. Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it. The less a man knows, the more he will guess at; and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion. Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers. Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov ' farewell benefit,"- "positively our last appearance." Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows. Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a poor way tew git phatt. Jealousy don't pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what we don't want tew find, nor don't expekt to. Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships. I don't think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one-I don't think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen beds. A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a page: 288-289[View Page 288-289]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 288-289 288 AFFURISMS. . - distance look twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as small az they am. Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but gener- ally extended. If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov. him in Heaven. Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed. After all, there don't seem tew be but this diffrence be- tween the wize men and the phools; the wize men are all fuss and sum feathers, while the phools are all fuss and no feathers. Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable ackount we hav ov a stray dog. Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware; the mule remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking. Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don't, one good liar will pizen a whole country. Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don't ketch themn. Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world-if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in. Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into reality; this iz one way that good hoss thiefs are made, a man leans over a fence all day, and imagines the boss in the lot belongs tew him, and sure enuff, the fust dark night, the boss does. If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven's sake, chaw old plugg, it iz the nastvest. INK LINGS. pRUTII iz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them. INK LINGS. 9 Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don't kare about meeting when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, and men who want to owe me. Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord holds that chance. - .. Mi private opinn- , \\ - \ / yunabont "abscence \ // ov mind" is, that 9 \ / times out ov 10, it \ v \ / iz abscence ov branes. EOSTE The flattery that L- - en offeratew them-ora self i the most dangerous, bekauset i I e e b the least suspekted. Take a kitten that ufe p btos kan hardly walk on adv . land. and chuck him o a into a mill pond, and he will swim :b s ashore- enny boddy the .m gi kan apply the moral INK LINGS.' in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hat ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest. It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity. Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends--it makes us be- leave we are better and happier than our nabors. Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov ad- vice will suit him the best. Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for. The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi grate men. 19t page: 290-291[View Page 290-291]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 290-291 290 AFFURISMS. The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridilkule them. We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a crooked tree-both ov -them are God's arkitek- ture. How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for, possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they possess. Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molas- sis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git thare. Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the bed, and then letting him drop on the ground. Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies. - , The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz Pqocrasti- nation, and he is still at large: Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and rekorded, az sekurity for a man's morality, and virtew White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages. The most valuable thing in this world iz Time,and yet peo- ple waste it as they do water, most of them letting it ran full head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle. The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an alias-this shows the power of truth and morality. If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him-not so with a man. One ov the hardest .things to do is to be a good listener, thoze -who are stone deaf succeed the best. If you don't kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how. Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into INK LINGS. 291 every thing, they kant setra common rat trap without gitting ketched in it. A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out. I hav larn't one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do. The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to- do it yourself. I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around. A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone. I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice, Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs. I don't kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don't deserve. Repentanse should be the effekt ov love-not fear. The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz. Things that we kant do wouldn't be ov enny use to us, if we, could do them. Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if this ain't so amungst men. A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either. The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz,;i found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again. In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav. A dandy never yet fell in love--only with himself. .: Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open. Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most gener- ally do. A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long. We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standingson one leg. page: 292-293[View Page 292-293]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 292-293 292 AFFURISMS. RMBERS ON THE HARTH. THE moon looks down at night upon the vices of the world, and yet remains az chaste az ever. Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth. I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it. We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look; if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz ves- sell. The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps. I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by aeksident, not desighn. What an unreal life most folks lead; they don't ever hav a genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence. Homw menny people thare iz whoze importance depends entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills. Mother!-The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in the calm utterance ov the name itself. It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin. Mankind ain't apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are familiar with, it iz what we don't know, or kant see, that we hanker for. When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly clothed, i always feel sorry-for the clothes. I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az "Spiritual manafestashuns " az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun and trickery. Prosperity- makes us suspicious ov each other, while adver- sity makes us trust in each other-the only way that i kan akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sumthing tew lose, while in adversity we hav everything tew gain. I konsider it a grate komplirnent tew religion that there are' only two substitutes for it; one iz hipokrasy, and the other iz superstishun. EMBERS ON THE HARTH. 293 It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man "Kumlie," who may in fakt be only a 4th Korporal. 4 We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we are rong. Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the other. Envy iz not so bad a pashun when it prompts us tew bild our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one. I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the word no the hardest one in any language tew say. Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and then frolik. A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun or edukashun. Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and even yure deviltrys tew men, but don't let them git a smell ov yure poverty--poverty haz no friends, not even among paupers. Larning iz the only good substitute for experience. I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik Ocean so mutch iz bekauze it don't belong tew enny boddy in partiklar; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint jealous ov. Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge. Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the out- side ov it, liable tew wash oph. Abstinence should be the exception, and temperance the rule. If a man should happen tew reach perfeckshun in this world, he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself. One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires tew be so. A man who haint got enny;imaginashun at all, iz just right for a hitching post. - page: 294-295[View Page 294-295]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 294-295 294 AFFURISMS. :Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz larnt bi experience, that the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book. Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond, and avarice the third, and last. Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes. Deference iz silent flattery. The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being made ov gold. The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about az mutch az the flattery is. "," Happy as a king," iz a libel on happiness, and on the king to. If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize. Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires good hoss sense tew know how tew apply it. Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs. Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, confess them tew men, and yu will be laffed at. jmpudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy. About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young. There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller's sister. HOT KORN. HARE iz a grate deal ov rezolushun in Gin, but kussid little judgment. A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz tombstun. What iz the chief end ov -mnan? To foot hiz wife's bills and foot the man who insults her. A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old man is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating. 'HOT KORN. 295 A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don't kare how well he kan do it, ain't i permanent suckcess. After all i don't kno az thare iz ennything in this world that pays m utch better than being a a natral born phool. pse. A literary rep - n- tashun it hard tew g 0 git and eazy tew loose, and whenr once lost iz lost for- ever. Thaere iz grate do' possess art in growing old gracefully. If a man haz. got yt a good reputashun' "g:u he better git it in ' E-D sured, for they are dredful risky . - ' Misplaced charity he iz a good blunders tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idee ov a -man's karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz. It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized for what he don't possess. Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess nobeddy hain't seen one yet. Solomon remarked "ithat thare want ennything nu under the sun," and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it. I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand. Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their feathers. page: 296-297[View Page 296-297]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 296-297 296' AFFURISMS. Gold seems tfew be the standard of all values in this world. Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par. Watching one's helth all the time iz like watching the weather--a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all. We hear a good deaI sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it. Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, with- out knowing it. A flatterer iz a common enemy. If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look upon it az a grate hardship. 'He that won't listen, kan't learn; phools and bobalinks are poor listeners, and hav but one song. Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we kno so little about. Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes. Manner iz a grate deal more attraktive than matter--es- peshily in a monkey. Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find one who iz truly courageous. When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan git. The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur. Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, and the humble ones are the wust. The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words, not in the ideas. I don't beleave thare iz ennything in this world that will add to a man's wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he kan git, if he will only hunt enuff for it. All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most so, have the least sense. To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being im- posed upon, shows great strength ov character.- HOT KORN. 297 Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliber- ately defame yu. It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav tew forgiv. I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from policy, than thare iz from principle. Very old people often are, free from all appearances ov sin, bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed upon. Thare are people who are alwus anticipating trubble, and in this way they manage tew enjoy menny sorrows that never really happen tew them. Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than the luv ov virtew haz. I kno ov sevral kinds. ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the purpose ov smelling. The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made menny a man better. Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs are the ones who suffer from ennui. In bible times, when Balem's ass spoke, it waz a mirakle; but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we hav in theze times are the gratest talkers. Thare iz quite a difference between a Ominous and a volu- minous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two. Thoze who hav never sukceeded themselfs are alwus the most teddy *ew tell others how tew do it. I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the IToosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher for his fust book. Ifyu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs. It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest ev- idence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest gurantee ov suck- cess. Admire beauty, but don't worgsip it. Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at' last, and when page: 298-299[View Page 298-299]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 298-299 298 AFF'URISMS. they are katlght they are like a'fox in a trap, about the sylli- est looking fox yu ever see. Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov. We laff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and isuppose sheep laff; when they see us doing the vary same thing. It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter. Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don't simper amung arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant Wear her favors without winning them. FOUNDLINGS. HE that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he "that gives it. It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it. it. Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread The minds ov the young are eazily trained; it iz hard work to git anl old hop vine to travel a new pole. I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than trust too mutch in the proffessions ov men. Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz riabor, just in that proportion he iz happy. It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends, and their mad begins. Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole. A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to boss others. The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our FOUNDLINGS. 299 virtews, just az a ritch setting adds to the brilliancy ov a jewel. Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure. If yu want to learn a child to steal- oats in the bundle, make him beg out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him. Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git the approval ov our own conscience. Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it Liz no disgrace to be bit by a dog. Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot. Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what we hav got, and what we haint got. We are told that ritches takes wings and flies out ov sight, and i hav known them tew take the proprietor along with them. Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, for hiz heart must be ftill ov pitty. I hav seen those who were, az full ov awl sorts ov learning az the heavens are ov wind; they are just the things to cut up into weather-cocks. If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, lie will be very well satisfied with evrybody else. "Blessed are the meek and lowly, "(and very lucky, too, if they don't git their noze pulled.) If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one. One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids- waiting on one sick bachelor. If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each other. ' I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band theze words; in large letters: "Lead us not into temtashun." I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away fromr whare they waz-it iz jist so with bad-luck. Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to sail her. page: 300-301[View Page 300-301]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 300-301 300 AFFURISMS. The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another feller haint got the stamps to buy. Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but never heaves her. Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are perma- nantly ridiklous. I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home. Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the stick out ov hiz collar and waisthands. DRIED FRUIT. EWARHEN a rooster crows, lhe crows all over. A poor, but dishonest cuss iz about az low down az enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too. Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a doorway. The man' who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemny. Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he who alwus speaks it. It iz -hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rat- tle snaik bite, but thareiz thousands ov folks who never think ov their sins untill they are bit bi a rattle snaik. Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don't pick them up in the right way, yu will diskover it. I think now, if :i had all the money that iz due me, i would invest it in a saw mill, and then " let her rip." Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav mutch left tew do bizzness with. DRIED FRUIT. 301 When we say, "suchl a man haz bowels ov mercy," do we mean tew be understood that he iz a light eater? Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess. Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success; sum folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov their tombstun. Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error; igno- rance iz stone blind, and error iz near-sighted; ignorance stands still and error only moves to run agin a post. Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, and git dollars in return. There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure conscience; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the charred remains. The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who wants the least; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two. REMNANTS. CUSTOMS are like grease-they make ennything slip J eazy. Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted--a blush iz one ov them. Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz. If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn't mix too much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither. Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz igno-. rance.-- v . The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it. The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he wants. Natur makes all the noblemen-wealth, edukashun, nor pedigree, never made one yet. page: 302-303[View Page 302-303]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 302-303 302 AFPURISMS. When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it-if i dont, I ought to. If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but he kan never be in the wrong. Grate talkers are generally grate liars, for men who talk so mutch- must sooner or later, run out ov the truth, and tell I dont bet thare iz enny sich thing as a folk who aretly good man oro -a perfekly bad a man. I kno ov enny quantity ov people whose virtews arcsat the mercy ov other folks, who are good simply for the repu- tashun ov it, who haven't got enny more real appetite tew their conscience than a klam haz. I hayv studdyed mi bwn karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not-if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister. Thare' iz no sekts, nor religious disputes amung the heathen, they all of them cook a missionary in the same way. One grate reazon whi "Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew trav- el," iz bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own lot, and lets the turnpike take care ov itself. Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist be- kauze the crowd iz so grate that are going thare. REMARKS. 303 Every man makes hiz own pedigree, and the best pedigree iz a clear conscience. To be a gentleman,-git ritch, and keep a hoss and buggy. Virtew in a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds noze The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss amung hiz equals. After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a square deth. Virtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz got ov it till he cums akrost sumthing he kant lift. I hav cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy praizes wants cluss watching. Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust rate nonsense, and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse. Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew their affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub. Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, and the number who kno how tew receive- them iz less. The strongest propensity in womans';natur iz to want to know "whats going on!" and the next strongest, iz tew boss the job. Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in this world so grate but what sum one kan do him a favor or an injury. Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjury, and that iz the conscience. Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick-i am one ov that kind miseif, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon. REMARKS. WITHEN a man hain't got enny thing to say, then iz a good time tew keep still,-thare iz but few people who hav missed a good opportunity tew ventilate their opiniyuns. page: 304-305[View Page 304-305]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 304-305 304 AFFURISMS. Just about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church piety creeps out ov the other. Thoze who hav the fewest failings, see the fewest in others. Pride iz az universal az hair on the hed-sum are proud ov their virtews, sum ov their vices, and sum, having neither themselves, brag on other people's. Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. An industrious man iz seldom a bad man. Men will believe their pashuns quicker than they will their consciences, and yet their pashuns are generally wrong, and their consciences alwus right. It ain't mutch truble tew bear the pain or sum boddy else's lame back, but tew hav the lame back oneself ain't so stylish. Dispising fortune iz not a sure way tew gain her favors,- - pipe to her, and she may dance to you. Take all the interest out ov this world, and there wouldn't befriendship enuff left- for seed. Sekrets are a burden, and that iz one reason why we are anxious to hav sumboddy help us carry them. I hav seen men so full ov vanity, that they could not endure the sight ov a peacock, with his tale on parade. The most excruciating bore I know is excessive politeness. If I was called upon tew describe Eloquence, I should do it az I would a suit ov clothes,--' ov suitable texture and a per- fect fit. Gravity iz no more an evidence ov wisdom, than it iz ov ill natur. The greater the man, the less hiz virteus appear, and the larger hiz faults. The man who hain't got an enemy, iz really poor. Don't mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz just az mutch diff- rence as thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug. No man ever yet undertook tew alter his natur by substitu- ting sum invenshun ov his own, but what made a botch job ov it. Religion in theze days, iz compozed ov vanity, and piety, and each man and woman iz a better judge ov the proportion than I am. REMARKS. 305 Lovers feed upon mysteries, but after they are married, and the pork and beans are brought on, they hav a fair chance tew test the real qualitys ov their appetights. An insult tew one man iz an insult tew all, for it may be our turn next. I don't kno ov enny thing that would use the whole ov us up more thoroughly, than tew hev all ov our wishes gratified. Thare iz 2 kinds ov obstinacy, obstinacy in the right, and obstinacy in the wrong, one iz the strength ov a grate mind, and the other iz the strength ov a little one. Lazyness iz like mollassis, sweet and sticky. I tltink a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one witl gloves on. I: kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a young prude. Misanthropy don't pay-thare aint no man living whoze hlate the world cares one cuss for. Rash men ken be korrektcd, but it dont pay to labour with a phool. The man who haz never enjoyed the plezzure ov being for- given, haz missed one ov the greatest luxurys ov life. I hav seen coquettry, that had no more malice in it, than a. ewe lamb, frisking on the green. When i cum acrost a man who utters hiz opinyuns with, immense deliberashun, and after they are uttered they dont amount to ennything, I write him down " misterious phool."' The grate cry ov the world now daze iz, "Whats trumps.' Love iz a weakness,--but it iz the same kind ov a weakness that repentance iz, both ov them are creditable tew our natures; A nman iz hiz own best friend, and worst enemy.. Jealousy iz one ov loves parasites. We kan endure vices in the young that-we& should despise in the old-(pleaze 'make a note ov this old phellows). Friendship iz like earthenware, if it iz broken it kan be mended, but love iz like a mirror, once broken,. that ends it, I dont kno ov enny thing on the face ov this earti more remorseless, than 7 per cent interest. 20: ' - ^ page: 306-307[View Page 306-307]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 306-307 306 AFFURISMS. Thare iz a grate deal ov difference between enduring mis. fortunes because we expekt to, and enduring them bekauze we are obliged to, one iz pashunce, and the other iz mere sul- lenness. When i see an old man marry a young wife, i consider him starting out on a bust, for I am reminded ov the parable in the Bible, about new wine, and old bottles. SAWS. THAR iz no limit tew the vanity of this world, each spoke in the wheel thinks the whole strength ov the wheel de- pends upon it. The only claim enny man kan have upon the world, after he haz left it, iz for good examples, Thare iz just az mutch difference be- tween precept and example, az thare iz bnetween a horn that blbws a noize, and one that blows a tune. be a ppropriety in all things; late experi- ments in New York- city, have proved, that reigion in a rat pit iz a failure. Grate examples are no excuse for iniqui- ty. Our Saviour thought so when he sed: "Git thee behind me, Satan."' Sin in the soul iz like a sliver in the flesh, mortification iz the natral way tew git rid ov it. SAWS. 307 The man who dont praktiss what he preaches, iz no better than than the rattlesnaik, who warns, and then strikes. Fortune haz but little power over those who are not her Suitors. Man by natur luvs sosiety, and the more he luvs it, the more natral virtews he possesses-the most vicious amung the animals are thoze who liv the most sekluded. Beware ovfalse friends,--yure dog wont desert yu when yure munny iz gone. One reazon whi friendships are so transhient, is bekauze we so often mistake a companyun for a friend. ' To know how to think, iz one ov the sciences. Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew hav enny pitty to spare,-if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year. The thinking men outliv the labouring men., The owl iz remarkable for hiz gravity, and also for his stu- pidity. Flattery iz like mollassis, a very little of it tastes sweet tew a wize man, and a good deal of it, tastes sweet tew a phool. Politeness subsists upon politeness. I like a hornet for one thing, they always attend tew their own bizzness, and wont let enny boddy else attend tew it. Fools are alwus a looking ahead tew get wisdum, wize men look back. It iz the eazyest thing in the world tew make a blunder, and the hardest thing tew own it. I deskribe a kiss, az the time, and spot, whare affeckshun cums tew the surface. Man waz kreated a little lower than the angels, but while an infant, he fell one day out ov hiz kradle, and hain't strut bottom yet. If a man iz very anxious tew kultivate a good opinyun ov lhuman natur, he mustn't know too mutch ov it. A phool iz not necessarily a man without enny sense, but one without the right kind ov sense. page: 308-309[View Page 308-309]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 308-309 308 AFFURISMS. When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldnm fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime. Excellence in enny direction iz rare-even good clowns are skarse. Love generally changes coquettry to sense, and prudery to sillyness. It iz only a step from cunning tew dishonesty, and it iz a step that a man iz liable at ennytime tew take. Old age haz its priviliges-one iz tew find fault with every- thing. Weak and wicked are the two. worst things that ennyboddy can be charged with. He who iz willing tew trust everyboddy, iz willing tew be :cheated by everyboddy. W' henever yu find a man, with an excentricity ov enny kind, which he brags ov, yu kan put that man down az a As beat," and charge it tew mi account. A wise man iz never less alone than when alone. A man may mistake hiz tallents, but he kant mistake hiz * X L genius. Tallent must hav memory, genius don't require it. I don't beleave thare iz a human being on the face ov the earth, nor an angel in heaven, who are posatively proof against temptashun. When a man measures out glory for himself he alwus heaps the half bushel. A bile ain't a very sore thing after all, espeshily when it iz on sum other phellow. Pretty much all the philosophy in this world iz kontained, in the following bracket-[grin and bear it.] I don't kno whitch haz done the most damage in this world, lazyness or malice, but i guess lazyness has. If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one "Doubt- ful " and the other 3 "Useless." Rumor iz like a swarm ov bees, the more yu fite them the less yu git rid ov them. Virtew may konsist in never sinning, but the glory ov vir- tew konsists in repentance. a . REMARIKS. . 309 Fashion makes phools ov sum, sinners ov others, and slaves ov all. A jest may be kruel, but a joke never iz. I never bet: not so mutch bekause i am afrade i shall loze, az bekauze i am afrade i shall win. A. phools money iz like hiz brains, very oneazy. I don't think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached yet, altho menny hav made a good try for it. The reason whi all the works ov nature are so impressive, iz bekauze, they represent ideas. The books which summer tourists carry about with them are desighned more to employ the hands, than improve the branes. The man whoze whole strength lays in his -money iz a weak man; I had rather be able tow milk a cow suckcessfully, on the wrong side, than to be such a man. Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew me to -be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are. . But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, struggling with a mustach. REMARKS. 'MARRYING a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger. It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better konstructed for a phool. I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is rong he kapt be too conservatiff. I beleave in the- universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men. ' "^1 page: 310-311[View Page 310-311]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 310-311 310 ArfURISMS. I beleave in suggar coated pills,-I also beleave that virtue and- wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good na- tured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and chissell. The pure don't grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus. Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages. Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it. I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i prob- ably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool. Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleas- ure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long. Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all waste more time than we uze. That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their an- sesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what's the matter ov them. We are told " that an honest man is the noblest work ov God "-but the demand for the work has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands. I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would have did if he had bin thare; I hav notised that this kind never git thare. NOSEGAYS. 3" Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole-but other folks kan. I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is boring in the rong plase. Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high. God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn't get a livin. Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man. The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else. NOSEGAYS. IlE man who iz alwus anxious tew assume a responsibility, iz either a phool, or a knave, i dont kno which. If yu want to klime a tree yu hav got tew begin at the bottom. As spunky people az i hav ever known have been az arrant kowards. I had match rather alwuss look forward tew the time, when i am going tew ride in a carriage, than tew look bak once tew the time when i used to do it. A certain amount of cerimony seems tew be necessary to run the soshul masheen with, but when pholks git so mutch cerimony on hand, that they have tew be formaly introduced page: 312-313[View Page 312-313]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 312-313 312: AFFURISMS, every time they meet at an evening meeting, i think that they hav wore the flesh all oph from cerimony. When i cum akrost people who are perfektly krazy for ven- tilashun, i say to ae miself, "that krit: An' ter was brought up asimplunder and forsake a nearr roa to it allmost sure-read ing worldshal. he Pnktualority is one keep lorrelt time is WUSS than no watchl Grate powers are useful only az they are made service- able-the value ov a boss depends upon hiz being well broke. Too mutch branes is rather a hindrance than a help to a simply bizzness man. A praltikal joke iz like a fall on the ice, thare nay be plitn in it, lout the one that falls kant alwus see it. The soundest wisdum cums from experience, but thare iz a nearer road to it allmost az sure-reading and retflekshun. He who reads and don't reflekt, iz like the one who eats and don't exercise. Thie, est reforners the world haz ever seen are thoze who commense on themselfs. He who simply repents ov a sin pays only 50 cents on a dollar, while he who forsakes it pays one hundred. The more a person hunts for th mote in Liz brother's eye th"-: plainer he will diskoverhif he iz a man ov sense-the beans in his own. NOSEGAYS. 313 People are more apt tew make a shield ov their religion than they are a pruning-hook. Religion iz too often kut az the clothes are, ackording tew the prevailing fashun. It iz eazier tew be virtewous than it iz-tew appear so, and it pays better. Wicked men should pay homage tew virtew, for though they do not honor her she iz their gratest safeguard. The man who haint got enny religion tew defend won't defend ennything. Whi iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our power, and are quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun az he iz out of our reach. Modesty iz strength, but diffidence iz weakness. Modesty iz always an evidence ov worth, while diffidence may be a consciousness ov evil. Thare iz but very phew real suckcesses in this world that- are undeserved. Let no man flatter himself that he kant be spared. Thare iz more people waiting tew step into hiz shuze than he iz aware ov. The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro diferent not worse. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the terms. A wicked man iz no kompany for himselfs. All people luv authority, but the vulgar luv it the most. It. iz eazy enuff tew get at enny man's wealth, for he that alwus wants more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with less iz ritch. We pitty others bekauz we are better oph ourselves; the unfortunate dont pitty the unfortunate. Pride and poverty hav travelled together now for about 5 thousand years, and pretend to luv each other, but they kant phool ennyboddy but tilemselfs. Lazy men are alwuss the most posative. They are too lazy to inform themselfs, and too lazy to change their minds. A man will defend his weak spots a grate deal more sharply than he will hiz strong ones. page: 314-315[View Page 314-315]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 314-315 314 AFFURISMS. If men were stubborn just in proporshun az they waz right, stubborness would take her seat among the virtews, but men are generally stubborn just in proporshun az they are igno- rant and wrong. Genius after all ain't ennvthing more than elegant kom- mon sense. Thare iz a grate deal ov dignity in this world, that iz kom- posed entirely ov dTignity, and nothing else. We hav professors who teach the art ov talking korrektly, whi kant we hav sum who will teach the art ov listening pashuntly. A skeptik iz one who knows too match to be a good phool, and too little to be wise. Slander travels on the wind, and whare it cums from, and whare it will go we don't enny ov us seem tew kno. Look out for thoze pholks who are familiar on short notiss, they are like hornets, they mean stiny. When a man ov larming talks he makes us wonder, but a wize man makes us think. It iz safe to say that thoze who go into solitude are not fit for sosiety, and thoze who are not fit for sosiety are certainly unfit for solitude. A sophist iz one who puts hiz light under a half-bushel for the sake ov letting the light shine thru the kracks. Style in writing iz like style in dress-a good fit. How menny suspishus people one meets in this world. If their nozes waz stuffed with kIotton wool they would smell sum kind ov a rat. Most ov the animiles and insex (az well az the men) liv on each other, but the spider iz the meanest in the whole lot, for they set traps for their viktims, and dont even bait the traps. What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or ,hunting for bumblebees' nests. People worth noticing should never forgit that everything NOSEGAYS. - 315 they say and do iz watched by sumboddy, and it iz equally true that the good things are generally forgot, but the bad ones never. I phully apreshiate the proverb, "that speech iz silver, but silence iz golden," but i must say that sum or the most dis- kreet and dignified phools that i hav ever met hav been thoze who never ventured an opinyun on enny subjekt. What iz happier tew meet than a good temper? It iz like the sun bi day and the soft harvest moon bi nite. Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and haff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss. Sum pholks are natrally so kross and krabbid that it iz an insult tew them to ask them tew be polite. Yu mite as well ask a dog tew take the krook out ov hiz tale, and be a gen- tleman. Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like a life-preserver-only put on at the moment ov extreme dan- ger, and put on then, haff the time, hind side before. With all the howling for liberty that men and wimmin engage in, thare iz, after all, but very little ov it in the world -we are all ov us slaves to sumthing. I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting owthem and ask- ing them tew kum bak. Pedigree mnay be valuabel for a man, but i notiss it ain't wuth mutch for a boss: for the fust question that iz asked, iz: "What can hle go out and show?" I never hav known a man yet die at three skore years and ten possessed ov the welth that he had got rongfully. Peace iz the shaddo that the setting sun ov a virtewous life kasts. Side by side ov Plain Truth stands Common Sense-two ov the gratest warriors time haz ever produced. Diogoneze waz a grater man than Alexander, not bekanze he lived in a tub, but bekauze a tub waz all he wanted tew1 page: 316-317[View Page 316-317]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 316-317 316 AFFURISMS. liv in; wealth could not flatter him, nor could poverty make him afrade. It takes just 3 times az long tew tell a lie, on enny subjekt, az it duz tew tell the truth. Vanlity iz the most jealous disseaze; i hav saw men so vain that they kouldn't look with kompozure 'upon a peakok spreading hiz appendix tew the morning sun. Tru valor iz like honesty, it enters into all that a man sez or duz. The man who thinks "-he kant do it," iz alwuss more than haff right. One ov the hardest things tew learn a child, 'iz tew tell the truth, but it should be done, if-death ensues. SHOOTING STARS. MOST people are like an egg, too phull ov themselfs to hold enny thing else. Thare iz this difference between genius and tallent, one iz a natral reservoi, and the other haz tew be kontinually pumpt up. "Misery luvs kompany," but kant bear kompetishun, thare aint no boddysbut what thinks thare bile iz the sorest bile in markit. A reputashun for honor once lost, iz lost forever. Men who kno the least, alwus argy the most. A crowing hen, and a kakling rooster, are the poorest kind ov poultry. To be a big man amung big men, iz what proves a man's karakter-to be a bul frog amung tadpoles, dont amount to mutch. What a blessed thing it iz that we kant " see ourselfs az others see us,"--the sight would take all the starch out ov Us. Thare iz lots ov pholks in this wurld who kan keep nine SHOOTING STARS. " 317 out ov ten ov the commandments, without enny trubble at all, but the one that iz left they kant keep the small' end ov. I never question a suckcess, enny more than i do the right ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway. To wake up from a sweet sleep, iz tew be born agin. Expektashun iz the child ov Hope, and like its parent iz an rogant brat. Mi friend, yu may be more cunning than most men, but yu aint more cunning than all men. '= Excentricitys are - ' most alwus artyfish- - all, and the best that kan be sed ov them " iz, they are quite . az often the result fc ov diffidence az ova vaniity. If i want tew git at the trew karalter - hiz vices more than i do hiz virtews. s Faith wont make s a a man virtewous, .: ., but it makes what virtew he haz got red h o t. Those , SHOOTING STARS. who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in'this life, must keep their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the time skimming the surface. It don't do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a hurry, he iz like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in hiz heels. Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an oc- krashional moment ov sadness. The man whose only plezzure in this life, iz making munny, weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm. page: 318-319[View Page 318-319]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 318-319 318 A- FFURISM. JM3anner iz far more attraktive than matter--monkeys are watched clusser than eagles are. Jelous people alwus luv themnselfs more than they do thoze whom they are jelous ov. Curiosity iz the germ ov all enterprizes-men dig for wood- chucks more for curiosity, than they do for woodchucks. The purest and best specimens ov human natur that the world haz even seen, or ever will see, hav bin -the virtewous heathen. Men don't fall so often in this world from a want ov right motives, az they do from lack ov grip. Thare iz only two men in this world who never make enny blunders, and they are yu and me, mi friend. Every man seemz tew hav hiz price, except the newsmonger, they prefer to work for nothing, and board themselfs. Yung man, yu kant learn ennything bi hearing yureself talk, but yu may possibly by hearing others. Thare iz no one who kan disregard with impunity the pro- prietys ov life, but thare are menny people who, if they aint propper, ain't nothing. Thare iz lots ov folks in this world whom yu kan blo up like a bladder, and then kik them az high az yu pleze. I hav alwus noti3sed one thing, that when a cunning man burns hiz fingers every boddy hollers for joy. Grate men should only allow their most trusty friends. tew see them in their hours ov relaxashun. I sumtimes distinguish between tallent and genius in this way: A man ov tallent kan make a whissell out of a pig's tale, ' but it takes a man of genius tew make the tale. I kant tell now whether a goose stands on one leg so mutch to rest the leg az to rest the goose. I wish sum scientifick man would tell me all about this. Thare iz a mitey site ov difference whether Mr. John Smith will appear at Booth's Theater az Othello, or whether Othello will appear az Mr. John Smith. I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the world. SHOOTING STARS. 319 Thare iz newmerous individuals in the land who look upon what they hain't got az the only things worth having. ,Thare iz thoze who kant Iaff with impunity; if they aint stiff and sollum they aint nothing. A fu branes in a man's bed are az noizy az shot in a blown up bladder. One man ov genius to 97 thousand four hundred and 42 men ov tallent iz just about the rite perporshun for aktual bizzness. I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite onto me. Adam and Eve were very good kind ov pholks until they were tempted, and then they kerflumixt immediately. Ventilashun iz a good thing, but- when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too air- ish. I hav finally made up mi mind tew do a good turn when- ever i kan, even if i git histed higher than a kite for it. I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness. He who really deserves friends alwus finds them. Thare is " menny a slip between a cup and lip," but not haff az menny az thare ought tew be. The two most important words in enny languarge are the shortest--' Yes " and "No." One ov the most honest and reliable men i kno ov at the present time iz "Old Probabilitiz ;" he iz an ornament and honor tew hiz sex. Men hav more vanity than wimmin, and wimmin hav more jealousy than men. Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10. In whipping a yung one, yu don't never ought tew stop untill yu git klean thru. I dont never hav enny trubble in regulating mi own kon- dukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me. Looking at pikturs iz a cheap way tew think. page: 320 (Illustration) [View Page 320 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 320 (Illustration) THE IRNTERVIEWEf. PITTY the poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a bad phellow at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz spilte him. I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a liv- ing, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, they waz afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse. The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny thing he kan find, and digesting eazy enny thing he can swallo. He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yu shudder to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin tew hunlllt for a human beefstake. He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug. He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little things. Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out. They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog. Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashioned qcid nunkc and the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both. Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they 320 1i ! QPNaCOO-. N-Co..- n^u, page: -321[View Page -321]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -321 ? \ tvl THE INTERVIEWER 321 I will hang around the departure till they git an itemn, and then go for the widow. The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so. They are az dangerous tew admnit into yure konfidence az a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but becauze yu are haff afrade they will. s Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew inake him An Iadept in call- on ing, he dInt require e r E az ontest az eer, a cildd the t katt? ekim, an the neta * ed ofhe dialoghe in thaonngpprnd,a ala e es to the azOlwPo. aiii 'o vtewahr enny more tevider- tn Yuekan git ridz the o n hs anserked a qestai a hornet by brake- I ing h Ois nek, yu kan outilun a blak snaik, and k ean hide from them on the hariff but thell. I treat all intervieerwers politely; when the begin tew bai cursid muskeeter in the darklr h o ve r aroiind yu, and if lie, don't big;ht, he SingS, which is the wusst-- est ov the two. THE INTFRVIEW-ER. I hav bin lit onto by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz questions, az honest az ever a, child did the katekism, and the next day read the dialogue in the morning paper, and -it waz all az new8 to me az Old Probabilitiz log ov the weather. Don't never tell any sekrrets tew an Interviewer; he will open them az they open oysters in the markret, and retail them on the haff sliell. I tentallintrviwers politely; when they begin tew bi 2" page: 322-323[View Page 322-323]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 322-323 322 MONOGRAFFS. me, i ask them ted smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and when they press me too clussly then i begin tew whissell. I am an awful poor whissler enny how. I do really pitty the poor Interviewer; he works for hiz bread like enny other skribbler, and for what i kno, hates the bizzness, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at inter- viewing, he -iz too impudent tew be good for enny thing else. Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze kind of pholks never reach the dignity ov impudence; they are simply disgusting. Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny time on sutch stale goods; he would az soon think of inter- viewing a last year's birds' nest, or a kuntry gide-board. Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer; he thirsts for the game like a fox hound on the trak; he livs upon plunder, and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see hiz col- lum in the morning Gazzette without a trophy. ThE MUSK RAT. TIE musk rat iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than a woodchuk, and iz az unlike them az a Rokaway klam and a lobster are different from each other. Ie iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal longer than he kan liv under the water. He feeds upon roots, herbs, and soft klams, and smells like ,the wake of a fashionable woman out on parade. He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, all over the marshes, and enters them from the cellar. Iiz phur iz worth just about 25 cents, and aint lively in market at that. Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that haz got a way tew git into it. They are not kunning, and aint diffikult tew suit. When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats, THE MNK. and bought the fust pare ov skates i ever owned with their ! tskins t I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on the ice, cluss beside their holes, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and when they see me they change ends and point down, like a semicolon, and that wsaz the last ov them. The musk rat haz a flat tale, With no more phur on it tlan. a file haz. I dont dispize musk rat-oh no!-but i dont worship him. He hla but phew sins- tew answer for; the cllief one iz digging holes in the bank of the Erie kanal, and letting the water brake out. He will hav tew answer for this sumtime. I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the in- sex, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They are az mnutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the exis- tance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, as man iz. I kan see az mutch flust klass natur in an angleworm akording tew the square inch, az i kan see in an elephant. I luv tew go phooling around amung the animiles ov all kinds in a warm day; i had rather set down bi the side ov an ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who won't work, and run him out ov the diggins, than tew set six: hours at the opera and applaud uwhat i don't understand, and weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the privilege ov doing it. THE MNK. tE mink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz su m things in common with him; they both smell alike. -Ee iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive Ideeper do it quicker, and kumn out dryer than enny thing i InoO. , . page: 324-325[View Page 324-325]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 324-325 324, MONOGRAFFS. His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashnn, and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one dollar bills are. He haz no very strong peluliarity ov karakter except hiz perfume, which iz about haff way in its smell between the beaver and the musk rat. The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl's stocking. They are not :-handy tew ketch, but when ketched are skinned whole. I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them Mity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap and keep thare as a ray ov light- iz. Thare iz slum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, but i wouldn't beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn't kno what the truth waz. I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow. I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste the time a leetle. THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER. HARE iz one man in this basement world that i alwus look upon with mixt pheelings ov pittJ and respekt.. Pitty and rqespekt, az a genral mixtur, don't mix well. You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, but not growing on the same bush. When they do hug each other, they mean sumthing. Pitty, without respekt, hain't got much more oats il it than disgust haz. i had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed than tew pitty me THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER. 325 But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take oph mri hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster. When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just return- ing from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked. He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bach- elor, and a more anxious one than an old maid. He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar. If he undertakes tew make hiz skollafs luv him, the chances are he will neglekt their larning; and -if he don't lick -them now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him. The distrikt skoolmaster hain't got a friend on the flat side ov earth. The boys snow-ball him during recess; the girls put water in hiz hair die; and the skool committee make him work for haff the money a bartender gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they giv him rhy coffee, sweet- ened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3 times a day for vittles. And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skool- master swareing enny thing louder than--Condem it. Don't talk, tew me about the pashunee ov arishunt Job. Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all ov one- breed. Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git a good head on them. A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lie- ing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory. Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family,- than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool hous. Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around the naberhood, oughtltew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov hiz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in. page: 326-327[View Page 326-327]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 326-327 326 MONOGRAFFS. But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster h11ill't got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz. He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz. He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars to and don't mean tew pay. He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally iz missed-but what ever bekums ov hiz remains, i kant- tell. Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man; if he waz, he couldn't enny more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a kross kut saw. Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus mean- ing ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the repro- bate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain't been heard to sware-whi iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten a I had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a butcher's shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the distrikt skool bizzness. SINGULAR BEINGS. THE POMPOUS IAN. HrE pompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad. L He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate just bekauze he happens tew feel big. He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will take the trubble tew meazzure him. i He iz a man ov small, caliber, but a good deal ov bore. SINGULAR BEINGS. 327 Hiz family looks upon him az the gratest man that the world haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits snubbed often amungst folks, he rekompenses himself bi going home and snubbing hiz family. THE ONE IDEA MAN. The one idea man iz like the mering ram, he shuts up both eyes and goze for things inkontinently. He .= - misses, ov course, often- - : er than le hits, but- A don't kno the differ- ' ence, and is always : leddy to argue the question. Yu kant ------ konvince him thatdhe. iz wrong enny more than you kan a horne t. their own ewst ene-k THE QUESTION. sum other way, a nd t here iz but one kurefor them perhandps endurable. that iset tedown agree w ith them. Ifwho hav thine mojust ov it azseem they do, they willeast - Yu kant tew think g ov the year and gather happi sum other way, and thatlets two ideas git into their bed, which makes them perhaps endurable. THE HAPPY MAN. The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he kant set down and deskribe it. Happiness iz like helth--thoze who hay the most ov it seem tew king it the least. Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happi- ness along the side ov the road just the same az you would page: 328-329[View Page 328-329]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 328-329 328 MONOGRAFFS. dandylions-noboddy but a natral born phool kan do this; they are alwus happy, ov course. When i hear a man bragging -how happy he iz, he dont cheat me, he only cheats himself. THE HENPECKED MAN. . The henpecked man iz most generally married; but thare are instances on reckord of single men being harrassed by the pullets. Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az hum- ble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in'a wet day. Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a mall like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months' turn ov the fever and agy. The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git hold ov a man that time (thank the l;ord /) who understood all the hen-peck dodges. One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex. The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle-drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his household; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ov him, and handles him just az she would a haff'grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick. THE OFFICIOUS MAN. The officious man standsaround rubbing his hands, anxious for a job. EIe seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snub- bed in one place, it don't seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on another. The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on. SINGULAR BEINGS. 329 Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives tricing tew make friends ov all, and never succeed with any. There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don't arise from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz noze into things. Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting. The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew him- self, and a nusance tew everyboddy else. I don't know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns than the officious mans, for even in its very best phlase, it sel- domn suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with conlmon politeness. THE PHUNNY MAN. Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz in him. E Thephunny man iz seldum an humorist, and never a wit. Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff; he seldum rizes abuv a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point even in that. He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural dis- trikts, and kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth. The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered. Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at that. It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes; for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life. THE CHEERKY MAN. Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful mens karakters. All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty, page: 330-331[View Page 330-331]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 330-331 ! 330 MONOGRAFFS. fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life. Bold assurance, while it may often disgust us, will win 9 times out ov 10. We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz- only a kind ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man. Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, az he will on pitty. Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in: earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them. The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that if we'wait for our turn in this world, our turn never seems tew come round. . The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations- which ariz e from having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, hegoze for the worm. Thare seems tew be notlbing now daze that will warrant sukeess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a mule. THE LIVE MAN. The Live Xan iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly. He iz the pepper-sass ov creation-the all-spice ov the world. One Zive Xan in a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt skool--he sets evry boddy scratching at oust. A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-lole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate. The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar-lhe iz often like -a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows. He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare thlan a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons. SINGULAR BEINGS. 33; He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives al least 18 months each year. He is like a runaway hoss; lie gits the whole ov the road He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauzE everyboddy else duz. , The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking at. He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoaD tew work out the great- ness of this country than any other man in it. He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree. He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss. THE FAULT-FINDER. Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human crit- ters are alwuss full .ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his , big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, - and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't believe thare is a vartuous ;! woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under pro- tess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a iteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sum- boddy's small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder I if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and page: 332-333[View Page 332-333]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 332-333 332 MONOGRAFFS. if yu jine in with them yt onla maik them mad with them selfs- I had rather be a target for awl the bad lunk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good Ink. The more i think ov it, thie more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels. Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy the singularest are the - - ' sI'p//s 7' f/ sI , ia (t 'i , I7 JOSH AND THE IORDER INJUN. U inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety "for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles." Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it. It iz a noel institushun, and stands abaed ov the preven- shun ov kruelty tew humans. JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN. 333 It iz a fakt, that thoze who are-kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans. I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall. In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, " if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red mnan on our frontier." Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionary, and go amung them, and labur for their good. The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss. He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the muchest. In the komposishun ov the skool- girl, the injun maiden bekunms a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel nature Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself. I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with the nobel injun az he iz, not so mutch az lhe ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up. I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at fust cost. Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage boss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the bor- der injun. Thare ain't a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun. The minnit an injun bekums what yu kall civilized, that minnit he iz spilte. A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer. If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man, cS page: 334-335[View Page 334-335]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 334-335 334 MONOGRAFPS.* would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the- injuns now residing on our border, and let them civilize each other. I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov injuns. ' Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze tew an injun. If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu the same story. Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the injun, mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him. Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am sorry for this, but'i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it.. As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoSS, he iz, in mi opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now inz the rocky mountains. If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fist class mission, ary, yu mite eskape Witlh yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life. . The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun, he iz satisfied with larning the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve on them. Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two qvices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they form the basis ov karaldkter. Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety. When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure eye- over yure shoulder. When i waz a veryv pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about- the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, -and JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN. 335 lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty, and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken out ov me, never more tew cumr back. I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their minds, that the injun iz a nobel kritter, but i will say tew them, stay at home, and en- FR AN T A joy yure sentiments.: INhEIiAN T D ont go a rnre uonng 1nO! d lrp f every InT ci v r the nobel red manl now on our frontilerl, but stay at home, andi t write sum stan z as about him, and civil- ize him at a distance. I hav never had bpt one plan tew civ- ilize the injun, since i ha got old enuff tew do him enny ,.?( good, and this plan iz more unique, than .- elegant. Mi plan iz simpli -e "- - , thus,--let the government offer 10 dolllrs for every injun civr ilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be tilehair ov thle injuns head, with the-skin attached tew it. Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the plan. This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking or, and not hav tew do the work over agin. I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov eivilizashn, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings. and make snmi more. page: 336-337[View Page 336-337]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 336-337 336 MONOGRAFFS. This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more. Try sum other breed ov human kritter. Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking. Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kal- kulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vine- yard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull's eye every time. I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and letthoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wig- wams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns. They will do it so that it will stay did. I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reekomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross wind. ' THE CUNNING MAN. UNNING iz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere J skuim that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, itiz, more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon. Cunning ain't good at begetting, it iz better at executing, it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole. The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and fail tew git hiz mouse. ,THE CUNNING MAN. 337 Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an unskillful trapper, who knows how tew set a trap, but hain't got the wis- dum tew bait it. Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a boss awkwardly. Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise man, the cunning man's wisdumn iz alwus on the outside ov hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the cor- ner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys hiz grist deep, stowed away in hiz heart, an'd don't use hiz wisdum tew find ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up. Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze- themselfs watched, inasmutch az they are alwus watching others. They hav butf few brains, but what they hav, are petro- leum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them tew fetch them tew a focus sudden. It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the same tiine, i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging and kissing each other very much. Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but looks and ackts just like his ma. It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a'cun- ning man, and the changes in him,. fits, starts, and doubles,. and hiz windings, hiz in's and hiz outs, the parables in which, he talks, and the double entenders ov hiz face, awl that he, duz, and awl that he thinks, are for eflekt. Cunning men's advice iz hard tew follow, bekaluse-their- wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also, composed ov shifts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew mutch for a stiddy diet. If you don't understand wiggling yourself, or the rudi-. ments ov it, yu must not git yure advice from the cunning: man. Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and will continue) 221 page: 338-339[View Page 338-339]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 338-339 338 MONOGRAFFS. on to do so, az long az phools last, and phools will last az long az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their reputashun. Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch breadth, while wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and hav sumthing left over. But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, when the dew iz off, or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole. Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch vanity, and their vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than alarmed. Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sud- den, and less sempelous. .i It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunningm, one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and con- trol, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, ! lays down, rools over, and fWags himself in front ov evry man he meets. Cunning men hav manny associates, but few intimates, they sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they j cum to divide the plunder. - TDle'Deceitful Cuss.-An open enemy, a hearty hater, a bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a reckless companyun, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizins in them, compared tew a slipping, sneaking Deceit, who, under the guize and garments ov being in love with you, chawstob- baker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu the truth. - Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face i ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an im- promptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise than to do it honestly. THE CUNNING MAN. 339 These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion under a sheep's skin. It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum only for the sake ov being cunning, that he will perfect him- self in the art and imagery of love and friendship for the sake ov counterfitting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that he will work hard for the devil at 2 shillings a day, and finally, that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl the virtews ov soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace whlat iz shameful and wicked to do at all. I hav know men ov this brand, who where not wholly inalishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow if they could cheat yu to-day, who deceive not entirely for gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent traits, which suintimes drop out seemingly by mistake. But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a mad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its viktim, very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew play dorg by asserting its dredful prerogative. It don't cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but letting them go only makes them the more cunning. Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders and hod carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the pimps among them, such az the wodden nutmeg makers, and the small beer-cheats, we kan punish enuff by dispising, but what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least the whipping post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz body into yure confidense, a subdued and slivering snake, and warms up into a viper. Ingratitude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men hate, but leave the punishment to heaven. The Domestik Man iz ov a maskuline and feminine ten- dency-half and half-and sumtimes more so. He kan most generally be found at home--when he aint wanted. page: 340-341[View Page 340-341]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 340-341 340 MONOGRAFFS. He iz a kind ov second lutennant in hiz family, under haff pay, with promiss of promoshun. He kan beat hiz wife bileing soap, or nussing the baby, and she kan beat him, in the 4th ward, running for perlice consta- bel. - He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything--when hiz wife iz. i He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such by the whole family. The servants laff at him, and the chil- ! r dren dont fear him. - He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg, and just ( about az dangerous. Hliz wife marrid him, not out ov love, but out ov pitty; ' and pitty never changes into respekt, but gennerally into dis- gust. i The Generouqs Man.-Generosity iz an instinkt-a kind ov natral crook-a weird child ov the heart. It iz diffrent from profusion; profusion iz most alwus the decoy duck ov vanity. Generosity iz diffrent from charity; charity iz the impulse ov reason. It iz diffrent from justiss-justiss iz 16 ounces tew the pound, and no more. Generosity iz sumthing more than justiss, and sumthing less than profusion; it iz the good a man duz, without being able tew give enny reazon for it. If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will hav a good excuse for what seems tew be wrong. Generosity iz bravery,.and it iz truth: no one ever saw a generous man who waz a coward or a liar, Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks faith, and faith haz won holier laurels than prudence ever did. The generous man chastens hiz gifts with the assurance that the giver iz az happy in the gift az the receiver iz. ! He takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking hiz lips, insists upon your drinking the balance awl up. Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than it haz over love. FREQUENT KRITTERS. 341. This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I am writ- ing about. FREQUENT KRITTERS. THE LOAFER. RHE loafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dis- pized just for the privilege ov abuzing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the bench klean doun to the ragged thing in britches who leans aginst a lamp-post and fites flys in August. He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koarse jests are re- echoed, and whare to be in hiz konfi- '-S. dence iz konsidered an honor. He iz not alwns in ; destitute ov kommon A often iz the author ov Jests which pass humor and even wit. He haz no pride ' that is worthy, and i ' haz no delikasy thatp whisky he kan at s y else's ex- enny boddy kan hurt. During hiz boy- i hood he kills kats and sells their hides to the hatters, and FREQUENT KRmTERS. robs all the hens' nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood. During hiz middle life lie begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else's ex- pense. During hiz old age lie Winters in the alms-houses, and sum. mers in the sugar hogsheds; and when he comes tew die he iz page: 342-343[View Page 342-343]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 342-343 342 MONOGRAFFS. buried in a dich, like an omnibus hoss, with hiz old shoes on. This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov the ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human kritters coming onto the platform ov life every six months whoze only ambishun iz to be successful loafers. The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make any man a loafer. I The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a i man gits az low down, az this, he haz got az low down az -he kan git without digging.- I THE PROJEKTOR. The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, i and when itiz hatched out, yu kan't alwns tell what kind ov a breed the thing iz. He- haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years trieing tew bild perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 quarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist az he reaches out tew grab it. He haz dun sum dredful good thngs for mankind, but too often iz ov no more use in thie world, than an-extra pump iz. The projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but hiz genius iz frequently like the genius ov a goose, thare ain't no one kan beat them at standing on one ]egg. I hav known theze breed ov pholks tew drag-out a long life, richer in their own estimashun than Croesus, and poorer - in the opinyun ov others than Lazarus. i They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuhs, and if ever they do diskover perpetual moshun, they will sell the principle tew sum kunning. kuss, for 17 or 18 dollars, and starve tew death on the glory ov it. I hav known'several ov these poor phellows in mi life, and only knew them tew pitty them, for they are az tender, all over, az spring lam, and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby. I hav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partik- ular pholly he iz at Work at now, but sum one I am sure, for FREQUENT KRITTERS 343 thare aint on the whole arth, a more bizzy kritter than the man, who iz sure that to-morrow will put the finishing touches tew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the rong end ov a kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov calfs liver. But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope for iz, that too menny ov them wont spend a whole life in making a juse harp that will play Yankee doodle backwards, and finally die, and leave the tune haff finished. THE KONDEM PHOOL. Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, laying around loose in the world, one iz the natral, and the other iz the kondem. Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which I shall tutch lightly before I git thru. The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi the side ov the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds. He haz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heav- enly Father will care for him, for He cares for the koarse weed and the rank thissell. The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew all the credit ov the job. Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz her other works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like a ram in a bak lot, he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence with hiz head, and finds the stun fence too much for the oc- kashun. He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov beeze, they keep up sich a buzzing they bewilder him. The kondem pllool generally lacks but one thing tew make him all the the suckeess he could ask for, and that one thing iZ common sense. Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov phellows, they kan often rite poetry that reads az smooth and'sweet az ile and molassis mixt together, and kan even deliver lekturs all around the kuntry, but one dose ov common sense would page: 344-345[View Page 344-345]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 344-345 344 MONOGRAFFS. take all the starch out ov them, and leave them az limpsey az the nek ov a ded goslin. The kondem phool iz the kauze ov most all trubble thare iz in this world, he ain't alwus malishus, but iz alwus a phool. I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, and out ov respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, i call 5 ov them wize and 5 ov them foolish. It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kan be one, and not suspekt it. Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon the market, but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand alwus being phull up tew the supply. I rekolekt ov oust saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, (i dont rekolek the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and don't let them run out, for if it want for them, the rest ov the world would be bothered tew git a good living. Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew introduce the following: - The "Profeshional Phool," one who travels for a living. The "Wag Phool," one who is a phool on private ackount. The "Bizzzess Phool," one who either Bulls or Bears everything in the market. The "Radikal Phool," one who kant help it. The "Conservatiff Phool," one who kan help it, but wont. The "Meek Phool," one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls to porterhous stakes, or even quales on toast. The "Hipreshure Phool," one who, like the hornet, alwus keeps mad in advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun. The "Silly Phool," one who thinks the whole civilized world iz in luv with him. The "Wise Phool," one who thinks he knoze all things, and luvs everyboddy. And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds ov phools, which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now. THE PRECISE MAN. The "Precise Man," sumtimes parts hiz hare in the middle, and when he duz, he kounts the hairs on each side ov hiz bed, INDIVIDUAL FOLKS. 345 and splits sum, if it iz necessary, tew make the thing ded even. If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist so-if he iz a bachelor it must be more so. jHe alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror for all odd numbers. He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew bed at jist sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov taking a dose ov striknine for the hikeups az tew kut oph a dogs tale when the moon waz in the laste quarter. The precise man haz but phew branes, and they are az well broke az a setter dog's, for he seldumn makes a false point. He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in the naberhood az a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner. He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from pride az from principle. He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and would rather hav them perfekt in the multiplikashun table than in the Illiad ov Homer. Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and she iz known fur and near for' the excellence ov her softe sope. The laste thing he alwus duz Saturday night iz tew grease hiz boots, and the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up the old wodden klok in the kitchen. Ile iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded and gone hiz children keep his famne fresh by pointing out with pride the korner whare his kane alwus stood and peg whare his hat alwus hung. INDIVIDUAL FOLKS. THE OBTUSE MAN. THE obtuse man iz sawed off square at both ends, and iron- * bound like a beetle. He finds out the hard spot in things by running aginst page: 346-347[View Page 346-347]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 346-347 846 MONOGRAFFS. them, and like the mering ram, shuts up both eyes when he butts. It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a. wedge into a pepperrdge log. He alwus sez "Yes" to what he don't understand, and iz az hard tew argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone. He often sets himself up for a wise man, and sumtimes a wit, but i never knu one tew think he waz a bore. He goes thru life bed fust, and when he cums tew die he iz az well seasoned az a foot-ball. If he waz a going tew liv hiz life over again, he tells yu, he wouldn't alter it, only he would eat more raw onions and be a hard-shell baptist. Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be very viscious, with a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, but most ov which he got by sleeping Vith hiz mouth wide open. THE POSATIFF MAN. The posatiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, and then tells yu he knew he shouldn't win. He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and if it don't happen he knew that too. . If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an accident, it waz sumthing that couldn't help but happen. He iz az certain ov everything az a mule iz anxious tew hit what he kicks. at. Yu kant tell him ennything new, nor en'nything old, he iz more certain ov things than Webster's unabridged dickshion- ary. . The less certain yu are the more posatiff lie iz. - He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned out'at last tew be a good hit. The posatiff man haz too little cunning tew be very mali- ehus, he iz generally lhappy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and tho he gits things wrong oftner than he duz right, people are pleazed at hiz blunders bekauze he iz so much in earnest INDIVIDUAL F'OLKS. 347 THE CROSS MAN. The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, fol- lowed by flies. He iz az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of silk, iz alwus reddy for a snarl. He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way through, but about what, he kan't tell, tew save hiz life. Everyboddy at home fears him, and everyboddy in the street dispizes him. He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekauze he feels savage, everyboddy else must feel humble. Thare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, nor none eazyet tew kure. He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good knok down will do so. THE PASHUNT MAN. The pashunt man never sez " dam it," however much he may think so. He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov musketeze tew turn hiz skales. He kan't tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu ask him; it may be nothing but numbness after all. Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its power tew resist temptashun. It ain't but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt, not even in fly time. Real pashunce stands amung the virtews, like genius amung the gifts; in fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew. The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man's pashunce on, iz a kicking heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer every time she kicks, he laz got pashunce on the heart, and brain both. THE FUNNY MAN. The funny man kan't open hiz mouth without letting a joke fly out, like ginger pop, when the kork iz pulled out. page: 348-349[View Page 348-349]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 348-349 348 MONOGRAFPS. Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, hiz only desire iz tew make yu laff, and real wit don't stoop so low. The funny man's jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes he reaches tew the dignity ov a poor pun, and hiz vanity-then absorbs all hiz humor. It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az dredful az the counterfiting bizzness. Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, not that I think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, they are suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see enny real wit leave this world, for i think genuine wit, iz az good az religion. THE HONEST MAN. Honest men are skarse, and are a going tew be skarser. Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable. If every boddy mwaz honest, the supply would ruin the de- mand. Honesty iz like money, a, man haz tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder tew keep it. Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov, and hiz honesty want ov mutch ackount. You couldn't put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden ov Eden, when he waz wanted, he couldn't be found. Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk village, waz an honest man, he wouldn't hunt for hen's eggs on Sunday, but he waz an awful cluss man, he set a hen once, on three eggs, just tew save'eggs. PECULIAR ONES. THE SQUARE MAN. THE square man meazzures the same each way, and haint got no wainny edges, nor shaky lumber in him. He is free from knots and sap, and won't warp. PECULIAR ONES. 349 He iz klear stuff, and I don't kare what yu work him up into, he won't swell, and he won't shrink. He is amungst men what good kil-dried boards are amung carpenters, he won't j[ - season-krack. It don't make enny difference which. side ov him '1 * " 14 yu cum up to, lhe iz the samle biggness o t k each wray, and the only wa- tew git at him, eny how, is tew face hi n tda a t g He ino'ws -i be i square, and never spends enny time ti je" gj' trieing tew prove it. ,- , The square man t iz one ov the best- i shapedtm-en the a, veyitl . . . . ...g world haz ever pro- PECULIAR ONES. dluced, he iz one of them kind ov chunks that yu kant alter tew fit a- spot, but yu must alter the spot tew fit him. TEE OBLONG MAN. The oblong man alwus meazzures more one way than he duz the tuther, and yu have got tew meazzure him every time yu want tew use him. The shortest way ov him to-day may be the longestway to-morrow. He ain't alwus a bad manby enny mneans, he iz often only unfortunate, and he haz been heard frequently tew say, that he iz sorry that he waz bilt so. Sum ov the smartest men in kreashun are oblong, and will fit most enny kind ov a spot with a very little altering. page: 350-351[View Page 350-351]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 350-351 350 MONOGRAFFS. THE PERPINDIKLAR MAN. The perpindiklar man iz half-brother tew the square man, and iz az uprite az a lamp-post. He iz a dredful good kind ov a man tew hav laying around loose, and he haint got but one fault, or rather misfortin, and that iz, he is so stiff he kant dodge good. I don't like tew see a man dodge everything, but thare are things in this world that are cheaper tew dodge than tew buk aginst. I like the up and down, perpendiklar man, yu kan alwus git at the solid kontents ov him, by just multiplying him by himself. THE LIMBER MAN. The limber man iz a kind ov injun rubber ,specimrmint ov humanity, who kant tell himself how fur he kan stretch with- out breaking. He iz reddy tew stretch, or be stretched, and tho he flies bak sumtimes tew the old spot, he quite az often snaps off in such a bad place that he kant be mended agin. Limber men aint alwus malishus, but they are az hard to manage az a greased pig, take a holt ov them whare yu will, yu find' them pizon slippery. Limber men are rather wuss than wicked ones, for they kant even tell themselfs what they are going tew do next. When a limber man douz git tew going wrong, he iz like a blind mule, when he gits tew kicking, yu aint safe nowhare. Limber men dont alwus lak kapacity, it would perhaps be better if they did, for a still phool iz one ov the safest people we hav. THE JOLLY MAN. Jolly men are most alwus good men. It iz dredful eazy tew mistake spasmodik hilarity for. good natur. I have seen men who were called jolly good fellows, who were az treacherous in their joy az a kat iz. PECULIAR ONES. 351 Yu will alwus notiss one thing, when a kat purrs the most, she haz just thought ov sum new kind ov deviltry. I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity. -When a man iz jolly all over, he iz too happy and kareless tew be vicious. I hav seen people who could laff long and loud, but thare was no more good nature in it than thare iz grief in a hyena when they imitate the wail of an infant. 'Tis true we kant alwuss tell about theze things, but if we watch a man all summer, and hang around him all winter, when spring cums agin we ought tew be able tew guess whether the laff that iz in him iz the aroma ov hiz good natur, or iz only the aroma ov the hikkups. THE PEWTER MANo The pewter man takes hiz name .from the old-fashioned pewter spoon, made out ov cheap material, impossible tew keep bright long, eazy tew take impreshuns from almost enny thing, and no more ring tew it than thare iz tew a bogus haff dollar. Puter men are mighty common here on earth, not only kommon bekauze they are plenty, but kommon bekauze they don't amount tew mutch. They ain't exactly phools; if they was, we could deskribe them better. They are like bass wood punkin seeds, and white oak whet- stuns, in a well-stocked kuntry store, kind ov necessary, tew keep up the assortment. They never do enny thing verry good or verry bad, and go thru life a good deal az a boy goes tew distrikt skool, in green- apple time, jist bekauze he haz got to. THE FITEING MAN. The fiteing man iz a kind ov human bull tarrier, with a jaw on him like a wolf trap that haz just been sprung. He haz a low, sour forehead, a beefy neck, a small eye, and, an ugly pug noze. page: 352-353[View Page 352-353]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 352-353 352 MONOGRAFPS. Hiz intelligence konsists in knowing how tew maul another human being, able tew'take it in return, and not kno it. All hiz ideas ov honor are governed bi the code which calls it dishonorable to puntch a man belo the belt. Hiz grate ambishun in life iz tew win a phew bloody fights, and then end hiz daze az the proprietor ov a gin mill, with hiz name and infamy hung up in gilt letters over hiz bar. He iz a rank koward bi natur, and never -fought a battle yet in which he did not expekt hiz low cunning would enable him tew outwit hiz adversary. THE PRECISE MAN. The precise man weighs just 16 ounces tew the pounds, and meazzures just 36 inches tew the yard. He iz more partiklar about being just so, then he iz about K being right. . Hiz blunders, if he ever makes enny, are all kronik, and kant be kured. He iz most alwus what we kall a virtewous man at heart, but thare iz no logik kan make him alter hiz mind. He iz az exact in hiz way az a kompass. He knows the year, the month, the day ov the week, and Sumtimes the very hour that enny important event took place. He kan tell yu the exact age ov every old maid in the nabor-- hood, and kan rekollekt distinkly ov hearing hiz grate-grand- father tell what sort ov a kloud it waz that the lightning cum out ov that struck the steeple ov the Presbeterian church, and knoked the weathercock on it into the shape ov a cocked hat, The precise man iz a mere bundle ov fakts, figures, and trifling incidents, which are ov the utmost importance tew him, but not ov mutch use tew ennyboddy else. He iz just about az mutch consequentz whare he livs az a last year's Farmers' Allminax. He is az set in niz ways az an old goose trieing tew hatch out a glass egg./ COQUETT AND PRUDE. 353 COQUETT AND PRUDE. -ENNY essays hav bin writ on the natur ov woman, set; ting forth her aspirashuns, her genius, her impulses, the , delikate meehanicks ov her pashuns, the aroma ov her heart, the soft leading strings ovrher dispisislun, the cast iron forti- tude ov her resolves, and the lurid glare ov her love and her Ihate. I hav read menny ov these, only tew be more solid in mi long cultivated opinyun, that woman and her character in the lump, iz like the ranebo inn the East, butiful beVond language, full ov promis and impossible tew paint. In mi philosophy, rude and untutored, i call woman the lesser light, the moon, gentle as an angel, stealing softly along the buzzum ov the skey on an errand ov love, light for the hour ov darkness, pashunt watcher while the world sleeps, queen ov the night, jeweled with stars. I compare woman to a vine full ov tendrils, which canit reach perfection without a pole to climb, and then often mount- ing far above the pole. Man i call the sun, filling the earth with plrenzy, woman the moon, that chastens the twilight, and steals through the lattice to play on the hearth-stone. Each one haz their sphear, and the loss ov either would be the blotting out ov the sun, or the moon. Each one haz their appointment, which should not -be changed. When the moon gits between the earth and the sun, then we alwus have an eclipse. I beleave that a kind Providence, the arktekt ov men, monkeys and things, haz given me and mi wife two paths to travell, side by side, and both ending at the same goal. Sum think that the lives ov the sexes are a mere competi- tion, that what one iz both may be, i shall beleave this when the roze bush bears butternuts and the thistle sheds perfume. Amung charakteristicks so butiful, it would be strange if we shouldn't .find a variety, sum even that are unlovely, 23$ page: 354-355[View Page 354-355]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 354-355 354 MONOGRAFFS.- for perfeckshun don't inlabit this world, not even in the dis- gulze ov a woman. Thare is two patches in the paradise ov the female garden, that is devoted to the culture of two funny, and very contrary -is devoted COQUTET AND PRUD:f. vegatables, one is lokated in the south east corner of the heart, an(] the other at the northern, or frigid end. * The southern crop is coquetry, -and the northern one is prudery. Smntimes these patches arecultivated more assidiously, to the neglekt ov awl the rest, ard form the staple crop of the Coquetry is the cussidness ov an artful pashun, that feels its oats just enuff to want to kick up all the time, and don't seem to care who gits hurt. It lays in wait, in its butiful wrought net, like a spider for its viktim, and seems to take more fun in ketching a fly, than j in keeping him. COQUETT AND PRUDE. 355 A coquett is a good deal like a rare bush, in the springtime of life it is full of flowers, and in the fall, full of thorns. Thare are sum blossoms that are fore-runners of fruit, but the fragrant glory of a coquett is not of this breed. This pashun iz like avarice, it eats up all the other good ones, and spends its old age, iracked with the horrors of an ill digestion. Coquetts are generally long lived, faded emblems of viktorys without honour, mournful az a cypruss, chanting their own dirges. Prudery iz nothing more than the tropikal fruits of the hearts gardens raized at the north -end ov it, prudes, and co- quets, are the extremes of the same pashuns, and the philoso- phers tell us, that " extremes meet." A prude skorns tew make a conquest, not upon principle, but bekause she kant, she hates a man with her love. A prude iz nothing more than an ill looking coquet, give the prude buty, and yer have got a coquet, and the bitterest prudes the world ever saw, are the old, and battle worn co- quets, who are too decrepid to take the field. Coquets, and prudes, ought tew be compelled to hunt in couples, so that when the coquet haz wounded the game, the prude kan nuss the dieing viktim. But-prudes and coquetts never agree; two ov a trade sel- dom do. Both ov these pashuns are disgusting, arid the old age ov both iz bitterness. Prudery iz the remorse ov cunning that haz been foiled; and coquettry seems to be the abandon ov art and buty. Prudes owe mutch ov their success to their inability to find enny temptashuns, and coquetts are made more viscious by flatterys. But- a true woman dont cultivate neither ov these patches in her heart; the ever elegant perceptions ov her instincts teaches her not to take up the sword ov the coquett, nor the remorseless pruning-hook of the prude. It seems to me, the more that I gaze at it, that a prude iz nothing more than a coquett gone to seed. I would rather be a coquett 'than a prude; thare iz some page: 356-357[View Page 356-357]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 356-357 356 MONOGRAFFS. fun in it-thare is viktory in it; while prudery, at best, iz only a defeat in an inglorious cauze. Coquetts sumtimes git marrid, but they are az hard to tame az a patridge, and aint worth enny more after they are tamed, besides being a heap more jealous than a mother-in-law to their daughters; while a prude, for a wife, iz but the bluest kind ov a school-marm at home on a furlough. In conclusion, I would say, in all kindness, to the coquetts, that they seldom hav but one fust-class man in their nets; all that they bag-afterward are of the same breed az themselves; and to the prudes I would- suggest that wimmin are growing inore plenty every year, and that thare are but few ov them, who insist upon it, that will pay the wear and tear ov a humiliating and laborious siege. FOLKS WE ALL KNO. THE EFFEMNATE MAN. THE effeminate man is a weak poultiss. He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out ov the bottle over night. He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled with dandylions. He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub-a kitten in pan- tylets-a sick monkey with a blonde mustash. He is a vine without enny tendrills-a fly drowned in sweet ile-a paper kite in a ded calm. He lives as the butterflise do-noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless aa a shirt button without enny button-hole. He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's grasshopper. He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard. FOLKS WE ALL KNO. 357 He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water' spilt on the ground. THE JEALOUS MAN. The Jealous Man iz alwus a-hunting. He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt tew find, and after be haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he. haz. Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun az'he iz mizerable. Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness -dreadful sick and kan't vomit. THE ANONYMOUS MAN. The Anonymous Man boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly.- He hain't got any more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps. He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices. He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare. He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah. He sprung from a respektable family; his great grand- father woz a justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it. He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye wratch iz; if enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down. THE STIFF MAN. The Stiff Man looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that -iz lokated in hiz noze. He is a kind of mnaskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard. He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muz- page: 358-359[View Page 358-359]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 358-359 358 MONOGRAFFS. 'zell, and when he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage. I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man. This kind ov stiff man iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know they ain't entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap. Thare ain't but'fu men who git stiff on what they acktu- ally know, but most aul ov them git stiff on what they ack- tually feel. Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no such thing as aristokrats in this country. The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in him. Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at what they ain't afraid ov. Stiff man had a grandfather once, who-went tew Congress from our distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able tew git limber sinse. i THE MODEL MAN. The Model Man never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the church platter; rizes when- ever a lady enters the street kars; remembers your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon; reads the PHUNNY PHELLOW, and laffs bekause he kan't help it; hooks up hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the chil- dren. Never meddles with the cream on the milk pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back. in seazon; attends every- boddy's phuneral; kan always tell when the moon changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to; follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further trubble. THE NEAT PERSON. 359 The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews re. spekted. He lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day duz. He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel; 'but he will git hiz reward hereafter-when the birds get theirs. THE NEAT PERSON. TEATNESS, in my opinyun iz one ov the virtews, I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fear- ful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in be- ing a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy un eazy who kum in kontackt with it. When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekumn the tyrant of its viktim. * I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself-espeshily in mi soup. Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktimis ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbing it awl over agin. If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean page: 360-361[View Page 360-361]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 360-361 360 .MONOGRAFFS. a hole right thru the side ov the hogsled in less than 3 months. They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning " To POL E IS t ) THE NEAT PERSON. it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles. They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go ;tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS-TWO OF THEM. 361 } dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin-very regularly laid out, but not planted yet. If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika. OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS-TWO OF THEM. JOHN BASCOMB. OHN Bascomb iz now living in Coon Hollow, Raccoon U county, State ov Iowa. He iz 196 years old, and kan read fine print by moonlite 33 feet oph. He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent hin 10 dollars teu buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with. He fit in. the revolushun, also in the war ov 1812, likewize in the late melee, and sez he won't take sass now from enny man living. He iz a hard shell baptiss by religion, and sez he will die for hiz religion. , He waz konvertcd 150 years ago, and thinks the hard-shell iz the tuffist religion' thare iz for every day wear, He sez tlhat one hard shell baptiss ken do more hard work'on the same vittles during a hot day than S15 episkopalites. He haz alwus used plug tobbako fromn a child, and sez he lernt how teu cheu bi watching a cow cheu her cud. He haz never drunk enny intoxicating licker but whiskey, and sez that no other licker is helthy. He thinks 3 horns a day iz enuff for helth. page: 362-363[View Page 362-363]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 362-363 362 MONOGRAFFS. He haz alwus voted the dimokratik ticket for the last 170 years, and walked, last fall, in sloppy weather, 18 miles to vote for Jim ]Buchanan. t He haint never seen a rale-road yet, nor a wimmin's rite convenshun. His gratest desire, he tells me, iz ten see Gen. Jackson, and sez that he shall go next year down teu Tennesee teu see him. iHe fatted a hog last year with hiz and haz aro cn I ands, that weighed 636 pounds after it waz drest and well dried out. He drn iz very cheerful, and near t aiz ihe won 7 dollrs the dellons ov the oans hie iz nres a this ter h oghe one ov the proud- andhaz aroen t acksidents ovoctn d e thfe, fors the deakon wan bown n he far and Hiz ai areespeaore s n tite uss. ltnys' Ptasrree ntells me thate rd- for 90 years h hiz went teu bedi ant ust 17 minnits after 9, and iaz arozen at recisely 5 o'clock the next day. linge I E'rmers' Almifexo that he reaon.) drihk, whisbey unadorned, waz the only speerits that never went bak on a man, Hiz habits are simple. For brekfast le generally et four The luttigh u ntemrigi e aeasot OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS-TWO OF THEM. 363 slices ov psalt pork, 3 biled pertatoze, a couple ov sassagis, 5 hot bisskit, a dozen ov hard biled eggs, 2 kups ov rhye coffe, a small plate ov slapjax, sum phew pickles, and cold cabbage and vinegar, if thare waz enny left from yesterday's dinner. Hiz dinner waz alwus a lite one, and he seldum et ennv- thing but sum biled mutton, sum korned beef, sumkold ham, and sum injun puddin tew top oph with. Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and konsisted simply ov kold psalt pork, kold korned beef, kold biled mutton, and, once in a grate while, a phew slices ov kold ham, with mustard and hoss reddish. I examined hiz hed and found that he had all the usual bumps in a remarkable state ov preservashun. He haz a good ear for musik, and whisselled me Yankee Doodle, with variashuns. He waz born a shumaker, but hasn't done ennything at the trade for the last 125 years. He enjoys the best ov health, but just now he iz teething, which he tells me iz hiz 7th sett. He iz a firm beleaver in the Darwin theory, and sez he used teu hear hiz grate-grandfather tell ov a race ov men sumwhare down on the coast ov Florida, who had sum little ov the kaudle appendix still remaining. On the subjekt ov marriage hiz hed seems teu be ded level. He sed "that he had been married 15 times, and proposed again teu Hannah Campbell, a lady in the naberhood, Who waz 28 years old." I asked him what he thought his chances were for obtaining the lady's hand, and he sed " it lay between him and one . Theodorus Whitney, a travelling korn doctor," and added " if i Whitney didn't look out he would enlarge his head for him.'" j Upon mi asking him what he attributed his immense life i and vigor to, he sed, in a klear and distinkt voice: ji "To 3 small horns ov whiskey a day, beleaving in the hard j shell doktering, and voting unanimously the demokratik I! ticket." I thankt him very mutch for the informashun he had given ;i me ov himself, and asked him if he had enny objekshun to : i :2 An page: 364-365[View Page 364-365]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 364-365 364 MONOGRAFFS. mi putting it into print, and he manifested a great desire that i should do so, not forgetting teu make special menshun- ov what he had sed about enlarging Whitney's hed for him, for he thought that would klear him out ov the naberhood. I left John- Bascomb after a deliteful visit ov four hours, and thought over teu miself, if thare waz enny two rules for long life that had been thus far diskovered that waz alike. The more i thought ov this, the more i wished i could cum akrost AMethuseler for a feu minnitts, and hear him tell how he managed. ELIZIBET-I MEACHEM. Lib Meachem (az she iz familiarly called in the township whare she resides) iz one ov the rarest gems ov extenuated mortality that has ever been mi blessed luk ten enkounter. She iz not so old az Bascomb bi about two years, being only about 194 years old. Next to Lot's wife she iz the best pre- served woman the world kontains. I reached her place ov residence early in the morning, and in one minnit after i told her mi bizzness her tounge had a phull led ov steam on, and for 3 hours it run like a stream ov quicksilver down an inklined plain. I asked her a thousand questions at least, but not one ov them did she answer, but kept talking all the time faster than Pochahontas kan pace down hill teu saddle. Az near az i could find out she had lived 194 years simply bekauze she couldn't die without cutting short one ov her storys S. I asked her teu show me her tounge--I wanted to see if that member waz badly worn; but she couldn't stop it long ,enuff ten sheo it. This woman haz reached her ernomus age without enny partikular habit. She haz outlived every boddy she haz kum akrost, so far, by out-talking them. The only subject that I could for a moment arrest the flood ov her language with, waz the fashions; but this waz a sub- jekt upon whitch i unfortunately wan't mutch. - OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS-TWO OF THEM. 365 As a last hope ov drawing her out upon sum fakts az ten her mode ov life, i tutched upon that all-absorbing topick teu both old and yung-i refer now teu matrimony. Her fust husband it seemed, waz a carpenter, and, ten use her own words, " waz too lazy teu talk, or teu listen while she talked, and so he died." Her seckond husband waz a pretty good talker but a poor listener, and, tharefore, he died. Her third husband waz a deff and dum man, and, az she remarked, '" either he or she had got teu die, and the man died." Her fourth husband undertook teu out-talk her, and died early. In this way she went on deskribing her husbands, 12 in all. Az i roze teu depart i sed teu her sollemly: "ELIZABETH MEACHEM, yu hav been mutch marrid, and mutch an inkosolate widder-at what time ov life do yu think the marrid state ceazes teu be preferable?" She replied: "Yu must ask sumboddy older than i am." page: 366 (Illustration) [View Page 366 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 366 (Illustration) GOOD REZOLUSHUNS ,FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874. THAT i wont smoke enny more cigars, only at sum body else's expense. That. i wont borry nor lend-espeshily lend. That i will liv within mi inkum, if i hav tew git trusted tew do it. That i will be polite tew evry boddy, except muskeeters and bed-bugs. That i wont advise enny boddy, until i kno the kind ov ad- vise they are anxious tew follow. That i wont wear enny more tite boots, if i hav tew go bare- foot tew do it. That i wont eat enny more chicken soup with a oine-tined fork. That i wont swop dogs with no man, unless i kan swop two for one. That i wont objekt tew enny man on ackount ov hiz color, unless he happens tew be blue. That i wont sware enny, unless i am put under oath. That'i wont beleave in total depravity, only in gin at 4 shillings a gallon. That poverty may be a blessing, but if it iz, it iz a blessing in disguise. That i will take mi whisky hereafter straight-straight tew the gutter. That the world owes me a living-provided i earn it. 366 .? page: -367[View Page -367]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -367 O i: j*? GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874. 367 That i will stick tew mi taylor az long az he will stick tew mie. That i wont swop enny hosses with a deakon. That no man shall beat me in politeness, not so long, az po- liteness ko n t i n u e s tew be az cheap az it / RNsoL Cy /l ZS/s iz now. That i wont hav o( / enny religio s us.2 kreed iniself, b u t will respekt every boddy else's. i That if I lovely' woman smaks me on one cheek, i wil v turn her the otlher also. That if a man kalls , e a phool, i wont D ask him to prove it. : That i will lead a moral life, even if i ' lose a good deal ov phun by it. That if a man tells me a mule wont kik, i will beleave what he sez without trieing it. That if enny boddy loozes even a goose i will weep with him, for it iz a tuff bizness tew looze a goose. That if i ever do git a hen that kan lay 2 eggs a day, i shall insist upon her keeping one ov the eggs on hand for a sinking phund. That it iz no disgrace tew be bit bi a dog unless he duz it the seckond time. That it iz just az natral tew be born ritch az poor, but it iz seldum so convenient. That one ov the riskyest things tew straddle iz the bak ov a 60 day note. page: 368-369[View Page 368-369]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 368-369 368 MSCELLANEOUS. That the best time tew repent ov a blunder iz just before the blunder is made. That i will try hard tew be honest, but it will be just mi darn luk tew miss it. That i won't grow enny kats. Spontaneous kats hav killed the bissness. That i will love my mother-in-law if it takes all the money i kan earn tew do it. That i beleave real good lies are gitting skarser and skarser every day. That i will respekt publik opinyun just az long az i kan re- spekt myself in doing it. That when i hear a man bragging on hiz ansestors i won't envy him, but i will pity the ansestors. That i wont beleave in enny ghost or ghostesses unless they weigh about 140 pounds and can eat a good square meal. That i won't bet on nothing, for things that require betting onlak sumthing. That i will brag on mi wife all the time, but i will do it silently. That i won't be suprised at ennythingo, not even tew be told that Ben Franklin waz a spendthrift, or that Lazarus died ritch. That i will dispize most things that i see, not out ov mal- ice, but out ov wisdum. That i won't hanker for happiness, but if i see enny that i think iz a bargin i will shut up one eye and go for it. That i won't wish i waz az pure as King David, but that i was purer than i am. That i won't kovet enny man's wife, nor hiz oxen, nor hiz kornstalks, nor the color ov hiz mustash. That i will laff every good chance i kan git, whether it makes me gro phatt or not. Finally, i- will sarch for things that are little, for things that are lonesum, avoiding all torch lite proseshuns, bands ov brass music, Wimmins' rights convenshuns and grass widders generally. MY FUST GONG. 369 MY FUST GOlNG. NEVER kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I ever herd-i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smok- in. The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse. The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually grew. Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times' when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho lie kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president. Thats what ailed me. But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quilD just az i was doing my best, * * dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare rally, dummer dummer, dummer dum, * * with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter ovthe side walk, o with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi hlarte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a string ov prairy beads. I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov- fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn.. I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when, the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov thetavern stand holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle. He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadlatu 24t page: 370-371[View Page 370-371]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 370-371 370 MSCELLANEOUS. him,-he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw the cus- sed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed lme if i would hav black or green tea and i ced i would. KORN. K ORN iz a serial, i am glad ov it. It got its name fromn Series, a primitiff woman, and in her day, the goddess ov oats, and sich like. Korn iz sumtimes called maize, and it grows in sum, parts of the western country, very amaizenly. I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don't mnlean the aktual korn itself, but the tree on which it grows.) Korn haz ears, but never haz but one ear, whill iz az deff az an adder. Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made out ov injun meal, and korn dodgers are the ttuffest chunks, ov the bread purswashun, known tew man. Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt into it, and then baked on a hard board, in the presence .ov a hot fire. S Wfien yuI kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a sledge hammer, they are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, and are reddy tew be chawed upon. They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro ten- der, and a dog hit with one of them will yell for a week, and then crawl under the barn, and-mutter for two days more. I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodg- er without produsing enny result, and i think i could starve to death twice before i could seduce a korn dodger. They git the name dodger from the immegiate necessity ov dodgeing, if one iz hove horizontally At yu in anger. It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a korn dodger, that iz only three hours old. KORN. 371 Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they found it I don't kno, and i don't know as i care. Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whis- kee is one ov the greatest blessings known tew man. We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons with energetick men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if it want for noble whiskee. We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosi- ety, nor demokratik pollyticians, nor prize fites, nor good murders. nor phlatt aldermen, wnor whis- t ReFUL Bee rings, nor noth- ing, if it want for . , , If it want for korn, so z how could ennybod- i q t dy gi t kor ned And if it want for gitting korned, whYlat would life be worth We should all sink down to the level ov the brutes if it want ,l for gitting korned. The brutes don't git or the d,theydin. haint got ennywaz sent don reason nor soul. We often hear ov "1 droker, bruttes," this isa kompliment to oxen which dont belong tew them. Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are brigadeer-ginerals. Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty puddin. Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat. All you hay got to do iz to gap, and swallo and that iz the last ov the puddin. Korn waz familiar few antiquity. Joseph waz sent down page: 372-373[View Page 372-373]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 372-373 372 - MSCELLANEOUSS. into Egipt after sum korn, but his brothers didn't want himn to go, so they took pitty on him and pitted him in a pit. When his brothers got back hum, and were asked whare Joe waz, they didn't acknowledge the korn, but lied sum. It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about komr, or enny ov the other vegetables. Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, it iz easier to lie, espeshily in the shade. Korn has got one thing that noboddy else has got, and that iz a kob. This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn, and iz as phull ov korn as Job waz ov biles. I alwus feel sorry when i think ov Job, and wonder how he managed tew set down in a chair. Knowing how tew set down, square on a bile, without hurting the chair, iz one ov the lost arts. Job waz a card, he had 'more pashunce, and' biles, tew the square inch, than iz usual. One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel iz konsidered a good krop, but i have seen more. I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum parts of the western country, it iz so much, that thare aint no good law aginst stealing it. In konklushun, if yn want tew git a sure crop ov korn, and a good price for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a shanghi rooster, then murder the rooster immejiately, and i sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop and all. ADVERTIZEMENT. IKAN sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pas- tor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder; streams ov spark- J ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMTTYS. 373 ling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilder- ness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grass- hopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood, and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice.; while somber in the dis- tance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the dorg-house. Here poets hav cum, and warbled their laze- here skulptors hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist ov. natur. Nex north- ward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the spice-lbreathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder:etsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs' like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N B. This angel goes with the place.) ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMTTYS, DON'T hire enny man tew lektur for yu (never mind o how moral he iz) unless yu kan make munny on him. 2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking mem- bers tew meet the lekturer at the depot. page: 374-375[View Page 374-375]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 374-375 374 MSCELLANEOUS. 3. Don't fail tew tell ,the lekturer at least 14 times on yure way from the depot tew the hotel that yu hav got the smartest town in kreashun, and sevral men in it that are wuth over a millyun. 4. When yu reach the hotel introduce the lekturer imme- jiately to at least 25 ov yure fust klass citizens, if yu hav tew send out for them. 5. When the lekturer's room iz reddy go with himfn in masse to hiz room and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu "had over 3 thousand people in yure city about hav;ing : an ap- era house. good deal, te auj-nce will kon tharoom over 15 min- nits at once; lie might take a drink i the sli if yuh did. Whaen yu in- trojuce the lekturer tew the stool-pujieeons. itdon't fail trw mao ke a speech ten 8 or twelve feet long, oc- cupyng a haft an hour, and if yu kan ring in sumthing about the growth ov yure butiful sitty, so mutch the better. 8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and then if it iz a kommik, lektur, and the kommitty don't laff, a good deal, the aujence will konklude that the lektur iz a fail- ure; and if they-do laff a good deal, the aujence will honi- kinde they are stool-pigeons. 9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov the ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMTTYS. 375 richest ov yure populashun up onto the stage and let them squeeze the hand and exchange talk with the lekturer. 10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a bunch, and remind him once or twice more on the way that yure sitty iz a growing very rapidly, and ask him if fhe don't think so. ". If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers had succeeded who had preceded him, don't forget tew tell him that they were all failures. This will enable him tew guess what they will say about him just az soon az he gits out ov town. 12. If the lekturer's fee should be a hundred dollars or more, don't hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits before the train leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with a liberal sandwitclling ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters. 13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a lekturer, after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense growth ov yure- citty, iz that yure people are not edukated up tew lekturs yet, but are grate on nigger-minstrels. ". If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two selling peanuts amunbg the aujience, during the lekture, at 5 cents a kupfull. 15. Never fail tew ask the lektuier whare he finds the most appreshiated aujiences, and he won't fail tew tell yu (if he iz an honest man) that thare ain't no state in the Union that begins tew kompare with yures. 16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lektlurer, next morning, tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands with him with a kind ov deth grip, don't forget tew state that yure citty iz growing very mutch in people. 17. If the night iz wet, and the inkumn ov the house won't pay expenses, don't hesitate tew make it pay by taking a chunk out ov the lekturer's fee. The lekturers all like this, but they are too modest, as a klags, tew say so. 18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but the abuv will do tew begin with. page: 376-377[View Page 376-377]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 376-377 386 MSCELLANEOUS. SUPPLEMENTARY. Everyboddy now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the world wants the mbst iz men ov tallent. It don't -require enny genius tew shut a door after yu, when yu go thru it. Rum iz a bill ov exchange on sum stait prizon or alms-hous. I think i am right when i say that all things which do not corrupt are innosent. It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, tew be very seduktive, must be made attraktive. .Thare are but phew who prefer their iniquity on the haff shell. It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest-even a rat bekums interesting bi the natral suddenty with whitch he cums out or goes into his hoel. I don't bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Feb- uary, either forced, or out ov their latitude. Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without sense, it don't pleaze long. Yu kan't find contentment laid down on the map: it iz an imaginary place not settled yet; and thoze reach it the soon- est who throw away their compass and go it-lblind. The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the one whitch he haz made the least progress in, iz, "know thy- self." "ETTER TO FARMERS. Beloved Farmers: ; Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass. Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots. Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day dlv brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs. Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remem- A TEMPRANSE KLUB. 3" her yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless y u rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese. The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs. What iz a lawyer?-What iz a merchant?-What iz a dok- tor?-What iz a minister?-I answer, nothing! A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs. Beloved farmers, adew. A TEMVPRANSE KLUB. TEELING the grate need- miself, ov a klub ov sum kind, i hav organized a tempwranse klub, and am anxious tew take into the buzzom ov the klub, enny party, who haz fair moral papers, and who iz not over 5 feet and 9 inches in bite. Sum few ov the leading artikles ov faith, bi wich the klub iz tew be navigated, will be found, on examinashun, to be az follows: Single admishuns tew the klub 50 cents, or three admishuns for one dollar. Fast yung men admitted at 5 per cent diskount from our regular rates. The coat ov arms ov this klub iz a glass ov cold water, with a pickle in it. The password iz-a sweet breath. The principal objekt ov this klub iz to kultivate soshul sen- timents without the aid ov whisky. We sollumly beleave that whisky iz only good for the in- JUns. page: 378-379[View Page 378-379]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 378-379 378 MSCELLANEOUS. Thoze who are in the habit ov paying a dollar for a drink, not admitted, such folks are too respektabel. No female admitted unless she wants to git her husband to cllange a bill, and see what iz going on. We are opposed to all prohibitory laws, except for boss stealing, and the like. We beleave man iz a free moral kritter, but full ov cussid- ness, and if he iz determined tew eat tuff beef, and drink pizon whisky, we hold that he probably One ov the prin "iicipal oo P'bj ts ov This klub itz tew got the most spirit po illyti as, nor no quart ov whisky. religonIf a man ka belong tew ti ub, and o te e abtit mkeep from gitting house. erate horn ov lickquor; (if he aktually needr without being Men wo kantt eep sober when they are in condivial places, must jine this klu, mnd learn o t h e r tempranse This klub hba no pollytiks, nor no religo ion enny man h an belongs to ew this klub , and vote e ven othe dimok ratik tiket and tend the presbeterian, or hard shell babtisst meeting hou-se. No man admitted tew this klub who kant swallo a rood- crate horn ov lickquor; (if he alktually needs it) without the aid ov a doktors preskripshun. 'Men Who 'kant keep sober when they are in convivial places, are earnestly invited tew jine this klub, and learn how. No one Who belongs to this klub iz obliged tew eat a pound ov salt codfish and not feel dry. A TEMPRANSE KLUB. 379 Old bummers who visit us, will not be admitted, unless they giv the pass word, (the pass word iz named above.) All persons making aplikashun for admishun must at least be sober enuff tew be ashamed ov themlselfs. We dont beleave that law ever kept a man sober long, but we do beleave that entreaty and example haz. This iz not a total abstinence klub. We would be willing to make it one if we only knew how. If a man jines this klub, and then gits drunk, we take him in again az soon as he gits sober. Members taken for one sitting, for the purpose ov gittihlg sober. Advice, consolashun, pitty, remonstrance, and enkourage- ment, free. Klub-room open nite and day. A skillful doktor in attendance who understands sowing up tares in the flesh, and removeing blak and blue spots. Man iz our brother, and we haven't learnt yet that rum liaz destroyed the 'relashunship. The accumulating funds tew be invested in all kinds ov decent amuzements. Every member or applikant owning a good dogg, are in- vited tew bring the dogg. No muzzles on man or kritter allowed in this club. Men owning fast trotters, are requested to visit us, and hear us talk hoss, and see us drink root beer. We had rather undertake tew make ten men temperate than one total abstinent. This klub never gives a man up untill he kant tell the truth without lieing. A temperate liar is the very wust kind. Total abstinence iz the only kure for lieing. The publik are advised tew examine our bi-laws and con- stitushun, and see if we liv up tew them. Wanted, (to begin biznes with,) a haff dozen good-hearted . fellows, with sum brains, who have bin led tew beleave that thare aint no plhun in this world only in a gin cocktail. No phools nor bigots solicited. page: 380-381[View Page 380-381]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 380-381 380 MSSELLANEOUS. PROVERBIAL PIG. Z the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus thie white Pig z.. culm tu gladden us. Hiz ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the outline ov lovlaness. His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov affecshun. He waxes fatter, and more slikl evra da, and hangs fromi the buzzirm ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. He laffeth at forms, and cllrleth his tale still clusser, as his feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred, beside the still waters. His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the white thornj he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. His- words are low musik, and his language tlthe untutored freshness ov natur. His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse. ' He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the , dallianse ov dewy fragranse. Hle gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on errants ov gladness. i He listeneth tu the the reproof of hiz parent ;his ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov instinkt. . His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfull- ness. As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids, and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark cullors, a reffuge from flize, and the torments j ov life. He forgetteth his parent, and belumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov food, and groweth hugely. Men gaze at his porklyness, and kount his vallu bi pounds, f JOSH BILLINGS' ADDRESS. 381 and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give his flesh salt for its safety. This is Pig life. JOSH BTLLTNGS ADDRESSES THE 1"FEMATTL PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY." FELLER SISTERS:-When I caste mi eye on a sirkle ot luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find them- selfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt thlla are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech. Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow. And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks at, the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts -a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks ov the widders cfruise, and the bred hove onto the wa- ters, menshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness. Oh Chaiitee! Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings com- munes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool. Feller Sisters, don't be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf. Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing so- siety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advan- tage, wil git her final reward. " page: 382-383[View Page 382-383]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 382-383 382 MSSELLANEOUS. Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bal. Cum together arly, and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; RO M IRE E I ' I R S TMT ,--- JOSH ADDRESSES THE FEMAIL "PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY." be keerful how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then, a bogus heathin. Stan bi yure konstitushion, and -bi laws, dew awl this, and the "FemailPordunk Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futer prosterita, like a wide-awake torchte possession. I bid yu tenderla ajew, THE FUST BABY. - 383 THE FUST BABY. HE fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy-an event ov mnutch gladness. Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yourso-to wonder 'how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you--to sarch out the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you-tew pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in yure nest-tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys--a feast ov the harte. Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly than when she was wooed-tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something new about "Willie "-tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer on yure lips-tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling plez- zure. Tew watch, the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fist notes ov yvire song-bird, tew hear the warmn praze ov kind frends, and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure-tiz this that makes the fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. Tew look upon the trak that life takes-tew see the sun- shine and shower-tew plead for the best, and shrink from the wust-tew shudder when sikness steals oil, and tew be chastened when death comes-tiz this-oh! tiz this that makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in ]leaven. JOSH BITLLT NGS UNDER OATI-H. JOSH BILLINGS being duly sworn, testifys az follers: Eight wont go into 6 and hav mutch ov enny thing left over. Menny a yung fellow haz found out this sum in arith- page: 384-385[View Page 384-385]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 384-385 384: , MSSELT,ANEOUS. meticks bi trieing tew git a number 8 foot into a number 6 boot. Virteu, in one respekt, iz like munny. That which we hav tew work the hardesst for sticks tew us the best. Men ov phew but aktive branes hav the best exekutive abilitys. Their branes are like a bullit-compakt, and go strate for the bull's eye. Affektashun never improved enny boddy yet. It iz better tew be a devil than a hypokritt. I hav often herd tlare waz men who knew more than they could tell, but i never met one. i hav often met thloze who could tell a grate deal ,- ][ts ' f $1, more than they did \ t"!g\"Z kno, and wazwilling goo spl h ekauz A S tew sware to it. be- 6,u side s. .s thy To be proof agin ov-thar i CmoDreeolei fltttely, a man mfst bad9l hlav nDo vanity, and such a man never ex- In nrnnyisted; if he did, he cipe o feiz now one ov thle lost arts. Hope haz made a grate menny blun- ders, but thare iz one thing about her that alwus dicl like-she means well. Sum people- are good simply belkauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and others, bekauze they hant got a good chance. Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud ov--thare iz more people in this world who hay changed from bad to good, than from good to bad. In munny, interest plhollows the principal; in morals, prin- ciple often phollows the interest. JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH. 385 Yu will notis one thing-the devil seldum offers tew go into partnership with a bizzy man, but yu will often see him offer tew jine the lazy man, and furnish all the kapital. Curiosity llad twins-one waz Invenshun and the other waz Stick Yure 2Voze Into Things. Love iz about the only pashun ov the heart, that i kan think ov now, that never makes enny mistakes that she kan be held accountable for. If you waz a going tew trv pure love for a crime, what court would yu take her before I look upon the North Pole az one ov them spots, if taint never found, we shant be none ov the wuss off, and, if it iz found, we shant be none ov the better off. I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az well tew git abuv yure bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu. "In time ov peace prepare for war." This iz the way sum familys liv. all the time. Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew " bet hiz bottom dollar," yu kan make up yure mind that that iz the size ov hiz pile. -The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not tew possess a single virtew. Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch mnollassis. The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however mutch he may shake them oph, will often call on him thru life, and seek tew renew hiz acquaintance. Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho it never would open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit drop out. Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference- in the poor man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch man, they only appear tew be exsentricitys. Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatism. I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they waz born so. They kant tell when they got religion, and, if they should looze it, they wouldn't kpo it. We never outgro our phollys-we only alter them. 25 page: 386-387[View Page 386-387]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 386-387 386 MSSELLANEOUS. Thare iz this difference between charity and a gift-charity corns from the heart; a gift, from the pocket. Coquets are generally too silly to be very wicked. Thare iz full az menny pholks in this world who hav bin ruined bi kindness az thare iz who hav bin injured bi kruelty. When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that she iz in tune. I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy than principle. Thare iz only one kind ov folks who kan keep a sekret good, ard they never take enny tew keep. The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer man in community than 'the one who iz just virtewous enuff not to be suspekted. Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing. :Hypoclkrasy iz alwus humble. Gravity don't prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, he dont need it, and, if he aint wize, he shouldn't hav it. It iz JiSt az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born naked, and it iz no more disgrace. Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth; thare may possibly be for the insolence ov poverty. Dont forget one thing, mi boy-that when five men kall yu a suckeess, and one man kalls yu a failure, that the one man's testimony iz what fetches the jury. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, self-prezervashun iz the seckond. Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them at haff price. Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git hiz reli gion in that way, iz satisfied with a poor artikle. JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. FTER a series ov unsuckecessfull- wanderings thrn life, i A1 find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondrous JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. 387 jugular vein, which pours the throbbing blood ov Lake Erie into the vitals ov Lake Ontario. I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the center ov winter, and a cold time for money. For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife's arm az still az tho I had growed thare, and couldn't see ennything-on- account ov the clamor the water made ; but gradually i begin tew take notes ov things, and brolte out, at last, in one ov thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the Billings family, and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here. My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for her kamphor. The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has been deskribed so often and so intolerably well by previous visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it; but i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles hed fust into the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the Alnighty. The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, Mhllich, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, the quantity ov the fluid, and the noise it made. I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must have been at least three thousand square feet. I should think that the fuss the water- makes, in its hurry to fall, could be heard two hundred miles;' but i didn't hav time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktually so. I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States and Great Brittain, about half-and-half; but i shouldn't won- der if, sum time, the United States would own the whole ov it. Natur haz done the fair thing for Niagara, and man haz not been lazy. Thare waz one thing that happened tew mne, while here, i ', page: 388-389[View Page 388-389]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 388-389 388 MSSELLANEOUS. that will last me for mi lifetime, and when i git through with it will do to hand down tew mi posteritys without the danger ov spiling. The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, and hooked it onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls. This bridge iz thirteen hundred feet in length, only twelve feet wide, and about two hundred and fifty feet above the water, and iz four hundred feet longer than- the rail-road bridge, three miles below. Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it being known that I waz coinekted with the New York Weekly, every boddy waz anxious that I should go over. I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, my wife by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted whip and ribbon handler ov the place, we started slowly over. 'We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken tile dizzy ride. My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az we progressed, and before we reached the Canada side, we were fairly one flesh. When we had seen her magisty's soil, and safely recrost the flimsy span again, i am willing tew say i had suffered all the suspension bridge glory that i wanted. We were welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open arms, and two hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in one ov them. I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my soul, as the last swallow went reluctently down end ways, '; suspension bridges may be a good risk tew take, but a hot lemonade whisklee iz better." Thare iz one thing that Niagara don't lack, whatever may be her moral defaults in other matters, and that iz profes- sional guides. Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide me tew the strong points ov the place. One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. 389 pattent leather boots, which had been new at the hight of the last summer seazon, but which had bekum seazon cracked and bulged severely at the roots ov each bigg toe, wanted tew guide me so mutch that i finally told him he might guide me sum if he would be keerful. During the time this innocent youth waz in mi company he told me more than 275 original and deeply interesting lies. He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun warrier, Tecumser, in a hand to-hand scuffle, which lasted three hours and seven minnits, during which time hiz own grand father held the watch, and he pointed out the tree that Major Andree waz' hung on, and showed me the identical house in the distance whare Robert Burnes wrote the immor- tal ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, (and banking house) ov the Hon. John Morrisey, and probably would have shown me the Plymouth rock, whare our fore- fathers landed, if I had asked him to do it. But when i told him that John Morrisey had been dead more than fifteen years, he diskovered that i wan't so green. He also offered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, a lock of auburn hair, from the young lady's head who past, last spring, in high water, safely over the falls, seated on the round side ov a hemlock slab, playing "A life on the ocean wave" on a base vial. After the young man had guided me for one hour and a quarter, i paid him ten cents and dismisst him. He looked at me, and then at the size ov the money, az tho he tliought we possibly might be twins. I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family waz a leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making the right change to a ded beat. Niagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys thare iz now on-the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got some miracle tew sell for two dollars and fifty cents. Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whitled out ov a rock that weighed sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on page: 390-391[View Page 390-391]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 390-391 390 MSSELLANEOUS. the thirteenth ov last June, from table rock and waz pickled up by a little boy at the water's edge, who waz fishing for pickled crabs. It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime tew the ridikilus, and menny ov the residents at Niagara are famil- iar with the step. I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque tlhan tew be standing in the presence ov one ov the most imposing revelations of Nature on this footstool, and while rapt in fear and admirashun, and chastened az it were, by tile God ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov humanity sacri- legisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a pal- try piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence and impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dol- lars and fifty cents for what iz wuss than offal. In olden times the brokers and dove pedlars were hustled out ov the temple ov God, and it would be mnedicine tew me to see this great temple, made without hands, cleaned ov the two dollar and fifty cent vermin that infest it. SUM VERY BLANK VERSE-THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT. Beneath the shelvy bank ov meddo brook, Expektant lays the spekeld trout. April showers, with blood from Genial skize, hav warmed the streamlet's Veins, and dancing on its buzzum Cums sunlite and shaddo Hand in hand. Just here the verdant willow bends, To lave its tapring fingers In the kristal flood, And fragrant spearmint scents the Creeping wind. Close by, upon the .alders highest limb Swaying, the blackbird sits, With mello thrut full ov April songs,- Responsiv tew the sadder notes THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT. 391 Of Robin red breast from yonder maple, While sollum az phuneral cortege The dusky crow beats his wing Against the swimming ski. 'Tis Spring! or from the brooklet's Grassy bank the violets would not Be stareing with their eyes ov Gentle blue, nor in the smoky air Would indistinkt be heard The thousand echo's waking, Haff dreaming, from their frozen sleep. Sweet time! the yung year innocent. Gentle String! in undress, r Unconscious ov her buty, spreds Her golden tresses to the wanton wind, Whilebuds and blossoms early Welkum the lovely goddess to This throne of hers, And reddy stand, with harps soft strung, With dreamy musik, Sweet time! ov all the varied year, Most charming and oftnest sung. Akross the meddo, Whissling a lively catch, Just az the morning sun Lookso'er the nabring hill, Gums Afriks old and well-tanned son. Old time haz bilt upon this darkey's Hed a nest ov grizzly hair hard-twisted, And shrunk hiz parchment skin Cluss fitting tew hiz bones. A fox skin cap, innocent ov fur, Hiz bed engulphs, And well filled with holes, To let the water out that enters in; One boot he wears, oddly mated With a shoe ov anshunt daze. From thrut to waist wide yawns Hiz coarse and starchless shirt, And over all, loose and ragged Whips the wind, what once waz Master's Sunday koat. Nearer az he cums, and ketches With his well sped ear the Streamlet's morning son, hiz page: 392-393[View Page 392-393]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 392-393 392 MSSELLANEOUS. Whissell stops, and creeps this Olden darkey, with muffled tread, Still nearer, where swiftly runs The pearly waters, to hide Beneath the shelvy bank. The friendly willo, tho yung with leaves Between the early sun and dansing Waters, spreads a quivring shade, Cluss thare old Ishmahel stands. Soon to hiz pole ov alder wood, (Almost the pole az old az Ishmels self,) He ties the horse hair line, I (Himself did weave), and feeling* With hiz old fingers crisp the Barbed hooks point, sure to be That dullness waz not sleeping thare, He takes (oh! nauty Ishmel!) From out a quaint old bottle, That hold perhaps a pint, He takes-a drink, Smackin his lips, and "iressing God," In menny a looped and squirming THE DANDY AND THE THMBLE-RIGGER. 393 Knott he hangs the hook about, With fresh and tempting worms. One step nearer--still one more- Then waving in the air aloft The flexile line, and light, With hand unerring, the pole Obedient drops the struggling, Worm just in the current's mouth, Whare the water fust begins-its race. Oh! art exquisitt! ' Oh! bliss extatic!- (None but the Ishmahels hav lernt This art, or this bliss felt.) Down the brook's swift thrut swims The giddy worm, a fatal journey, For darting, az a streak ov silvry light From sentinal place, the Spekled gourmand burys in hiz maw The barbed deceit. Now who. kan tell, with words enuff, The thrill that follows? I kant! But stranger look! upon the grassy Bank, dancing in deth, and see a Two pound trout, game and butiful To-the last. All day, shaddo like, Old Ishmahel Steals up and down the stream, And when the sun hiz daily rase Haz well ni run, With basket full, and bottle empty, Dark Old Ishmahel, prowder Than a king, goes whissling back The, way he cum. THE DANDY AND THE THMBLE-RIGGER. A FTER natur had finished the fust man and the fust woman, she had a little material left at the bottom ov her cups, and not willing tew waste ennything, she mixt the two rem- nants together, more for a frolick than ennything else, just to see what the compound would produce. page: 394-395[View Page 394-395]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 394-395 394 MSSELLANEOUS. Throwing the mixture onto the dieing coals, in a few min- nitts a half-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, before her. This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a boquet in one hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame . Nature turned him loose into the world, to root. The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar. A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed the fakt that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no cells, the interior ov it being filled with cotton batting and saw- dust, and stuck awl over the outside with rosettes, and dead butterflys, with pins through them. Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each ov which waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov brains, which ackted independent ov each other. One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to tight boots, and a third to colone water. All hiz thoughts and affeckshuns are divided between the fit ov hiz clothes and the admirashun ov them. Iliz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon's last sensashun in perfumery; his whole emotional natur finds its nourishment and counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris fashions, hung up in a taylor's window. The genuine dandy-one who knows hiz bizzness-never falls in love with ennything but hiz looking-glass; hiz strong: est pashun iz admirashun; he kant reach the dignity ov love. To love, requires both brains and a soul;; and a dandy in love would be az whimsikal a sight az a- butterfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip. Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird; hiz pashions are weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together. He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to the last. Dandys hav no courage; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate things; they kant insult, nor be insulted ; they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be dispized. THE DANDY AND THE THMBLE-RIGGER. 395 Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that I kan think ov now, highly commendible; they are selfish (and have a right to be), bekauze they haint got ennything to spare; their ambishun haz no more glory in it than a scent bag. Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in the taste ov hiz hairdresser, or taylor; meekness implys hope, but hope in them, iz nothing but emasculated impudence. But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, they are seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they go through life heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very bad, and when they git reddy to die, it iz ov az little impor- tance tew the world, az the loss ov a cosmetick receipt, or a clever twist in a yeller neck-tie. Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the hum- ming burd duz among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and thinks that hiz attacks are awl conquests, but no sensible wo- man would marry him, enny quicker, than she would know- ingly take counterfit money in change. This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many pincushion hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog's head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking glasses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys philosophy. Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah. It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and very polished gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, encircled with a band ov crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz late lamented father--or, "enny other man." The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped with orange, and held with a gilt slide, and a californy cluster on hiz finger, az copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz conducted with three thimbles, a pellet ov fur, or wool, az big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be under one ov the thim- page: 396-397[View Page 396-397]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 396-397 396 MSSELLANEOUS. bles, but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized, it dont seem to be invariably thar. This pellet iz humorsly called the "little joker," and iz carlessly shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov one ov the thimbles, but in fakt, slips under the cultivated finger nail ov the gentlemanly rigger. This iz only 'one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but probably the most niggerlike ov enny ov them. If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, and could not be converted from the low, and villainous game enny other way, I would pray tew hav him hit hard with 'lightning, and then go into suitable mourning afterwards. Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, it iz the pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, and the Saxon, the nigger, and the congressman. It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profli- gasy, that haz yet bin invented. Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the judge down tew the grade oy the loafer, and pluck .out by the roots the tail feathers ov aristocracy. They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent D ambishun, wither the brightest hopes, and brutalize the ten- derest pashions. All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its degradashun, but they are on the right road. Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives wont answer. One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the small pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never git rid ov the skars; a man may ceaze to be a gamnbler, but once a gambler, the cursed pashion whines around him, like a ghost around the buried. "ONG BRANCII IN SLICES. "ONG Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate on the west side ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated cluss down to the edge ov the water. "ONG BRANCH IN SLICES. 897 The populashun iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and boy genus, yung one genus, and divers other kind ov genus. The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlan- tik Oshun, hand in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, stranger and strangeresses, drest in flowing robes, and cum out by-and-by like statuary in a tite fit. The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and proprietor ov it never makes enny blunders. Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch. JOSH B]ILLNGS BATHNG AT LONG BRANCH. Thare iz sum isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprink- ling of innocent deviltry. I am pleased .to state that the ingquity iz principally in fust hands, and finds but few takers. The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt, and the " oldest inhabitant" may help himself if he can. The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for page: 398-399[View Page 398-399]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 398-399 398 MSSFTLLANEOUS. years. Sum ov them say that large lumps ov psalt waz de- posited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the oshun. I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think it iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and op- pressed. Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled. Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called " recruiting y" They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more braceing than the sea-airing. Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyun ov airs more or less. Now and then yu will see a forrin snob, just over fromn the other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-col- lars, turned down, and short nozes turned up. The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew pray-they will kontinue on to do so. The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, i think he will win. The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz in- fested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent crea- tures, who eat 3 meals per day. The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag out bi- the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov Slleeba sorry that she hadn't post- poned living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that she could hav got the style. I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel4 and bring their best clothes with them. "ONG BRANCH IN SLICES. 399 ;Long Branch haz menny things to interest the schollar, and the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt. I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good rotary movements on it. I didn't-bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst lose- ing enny money. I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile mi morality, but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for ages. Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the world-renowned musketo. The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at Plezzure Bay, cluss bi Long Branch. He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot. The musketo iz az natral to Nu Jersee az Jersee litening iz. The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near relashuns. If he haz".enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, for heiiz the biggest bore, ackordirig tew the size ov hiz gimb- let, i hav ever met seldom. It dont -look well for a philoso- pher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud) he may know thare haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises. I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the ,season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if. i hav tew klimb the flag-staff to do it. Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things. Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never enjoy, untill they are deprived ov it. It will then be forever too late. I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find page: 400-401[View Page 400-401]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 400-401 400 ' MSSFELLANEOUS. a good hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily. I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks they know how tew keep a hotel (and they do know how) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the country. BTLTJARDS. VERYBODDY seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards. It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel. . It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on. They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end ov it. Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellows turn fur punching comes on. But yu ought tew see 'the game; it kant be delineated bi words. One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink. ' Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox. This iz billyards. HABITS OF GRATE MEN. 401 HABITS OF GRATE MVIEN. ABITS are like korns on the little toze, the result ov tite boots. Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorg's tale, natral az life, but seldum useful, or ornamental. George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor ov the 4th century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns perigammut on one bended kn6e, with hiz eye tooth buried to the kore in a sour apple, and hiz left shin-bone bandaged, with a solution ov sheet iron. In this way he discovered cansir, one ov the signs of the zodiac, and it haz ever ., since bore hs name , in English. ' George also wore t an uprite collar, about one foot in upriteness ahd alwus used kats . intestines, for shew strings. " 1 He waz a grate " Vv man, and had su - i habits. He died in due 7 time. And haint bin seen 1 since. His widdow waz t inconsolable for a ! , large amount. Hiz HABITS or GRATE MEN. widdow iz also nomore now, she coiled oph this mortal shufflein good shape, at the reasonable age of 86. If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, "peace, tew her ashes." If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov ten to make enny other arrangements that will pay. 26: page: 402 (Illustration) [View Page 402 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 402 (Illustration) 402 MSSFLLANEOU o Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz, -that shook the moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon the head ov a flower barrel, with a bony pen made from the dorsal feather finis ov an. untamed osstrich. He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined with the perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian. He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little finger nail which grew to bee about 8 feet in longevity. He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preach- ed, which history sez was cussid good. : Bickerstaffhaz had a hoste ov ilnmitators, but they are like the millers who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all. Bickerstaffwore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny crown, and alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze who lived before the flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz way ov doing things (on the hed ova flower barrelD, tho often tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet. Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., .waz a doktor. He waz rather a weak sister, and alwusy'rode sideways on a side-saddle. He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until he waz plumb ded. His exsentricitys waz theze. He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood. When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov hiz elbo. He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life. He made all ov hiz pills down cellar. He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents ov medisin, but history sez, they didn't enny ov them equal Magnum, only in hiz odditys. Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work. He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a standard work for menny generashun ov rats. This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, by being burnt with a widder, in a pllhuneral scrape. I (WOMEN'S RIlGHTS. Woman who smokes,--and don't vote. a' " The Womon who votes,-and don't smoke. page: -403[View Page -403]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -403 g1 JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HS LIFE. 4-03 Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallented excentricks that ever smiled. He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz the author ov Gin. Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, and all lost. The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov allhiz pe- culiarness waz hiz way ov smiling. He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at onst, and the same time. This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, that the original idee iz all wore out. He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their daddy. History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without enny water in it. But a pint. ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov contempt. Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father waz also one before him. This oddness haz also its immitators. Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after one. I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate men iz the work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it for natur, and haz made more phools, (bi thoze who hav im- mitated them,) than the Lord ever haz. Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how. Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile be- hind him. Oh! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale. JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HS LIFE. KUM to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent page: 404-405[View Page 404-405]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 404-405 404: MSSELLANEOUS. of the "Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, az pretty az enny- man ever owned:- QUESTIONS. 1st-Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so. 2d-Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time? 3d--What is yure precise fiteing weight? 4th-Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much? 5th-What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments. 6th-Du yu ever hav enny nite mares? 7-th-Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor? 8th-Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it. 9th-What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully? 10th-Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu? After answering the above questions, like a man in the con- firmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced i was insured for life, and probably would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles. HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS. First.-Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a white, a blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, a spotted, a cream, a buckskin, or sum other good color. Seckond.-Examin hiz ears; see that he haz got tew ears, and pound a tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz hearing iz good. All hosses are duma but a deff and dum boss, are not desirable. HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS. 405 Third.--Look well to hiz eyes; see that he haz got a pupil in hiz eyes, and :not too large a one neither, bosses with too large pupils in their eyes are near-sighted, and kant see. oats, and hav tew wear green gogles, and green gogles make a boss look tu mutch li:ke a trakt pedlar. \ ' j L Fourth.-F eeI \M l!"l e: I' ^ ov his neck with . x , .XX the inside ov yure right h a n d, s e e \. X that the spinal col- - ' and runs the a goowell defined uphatt spi-s. Five.-Put yure THE HOSS. hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the case ov a quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat 70, squeeze hiz fore leggs to see if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see if thare iz enny frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet cool, and sweet, just az they do a well, or a spring ov water. Six.-Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, number 8 iz about right. Seven.-Run yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz boddy, from the top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov his tail (ordorsul vertibra) and pinch him az yu go along to, see if he knows how tew fkick. Eight.-Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, wind- galls, ringhones, sthes, s s quittrs, thrush, greaseheels, thorough-pins, spring-halt, quarter-kracks; see if he haz got a see if he knows how tew Idek. page: 406-407[View Page 406-407]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 406-407 406 MSSELLANEOUS. whirl-bone; look for sum pin-hips; hunt for strains in the back tendons, let-downs and capped hocks. Nine.--Investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last May, with teeth filed down, and a six year old black mark burnt into the top ov them, with a hot iron. Ten.-Smell of hiz breath to see if he haint got sum glan- ders; look just back ov hiz ears for sighns of pole evil, pinch him on the top ov hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at both shoulders for a sweeny. Eleven.-Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him up to an Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant with cow bells strung acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express train pass him at 45 miles to the hour, when he iz swetty leave a buffalo robe over him to keep oph the cold, ride him with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun ov these things. Twelve.-Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, ask if he iz a roarer, and don't be afraid tew find out if he iz a whistler. Thirteen.-Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, aint i weaver, and dont pull at the halter. Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a good family boss, there iz a grate menny other things tew be looked at (at yure leizure) after you have bought him. Good bosses are skarse, and good men, that deal in enny kind ov bosses, are skarser. Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell you, examine him cluss for a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the square, send him tew the New York legislature and rejoice that money wont buy him, lend him seven hundred dollars, in the highway, without witness or note, even swop dorgs with him with perfekt impunity, but when yu buy a good family hoss ov him, young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and make up yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the Lord tew forgive him. "An honest man iz the noblest work ov God," this famus saying waz written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late Alexander Pope, just after buying a good family hoss. GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS TROTT. 407. GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT. AT PORDUNK. Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 16, 18, 19, & 2Oth. JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER. AGRIKlJLTUR iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother. If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash. Agrikultur waz fist diskovered by Cain, and has been dis- kovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living. Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz- let- tis, and bukwheat. The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a powerful success. The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30, O00 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) The Hon TirgJil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools. FUJST DAY. A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted. before for munny. Thare waz thirteen entries. Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-clsss females, and one white foot behind. SEKOND DAY. It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing- and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt. page: 408-409[View Page 408-409]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 408-409 408 MSSELLANEOUS. THRD DAY. The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than i ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.) It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man. A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts. This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the tilne being so slow. 'Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds. FOURTH DAY. This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25. Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took turns. This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt. He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust- rate farm, well-stocked, for, the colt, by three different agri- kultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low. Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul boss. FIFTH DAY. It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses. Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did. One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft. At the end ov the fifth day i cum away. I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keeD from whinnering. The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made. I think 2 minnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my metr: i serves me rite, and i think she duz.) I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the OATS. 409 ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy. The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots. OATS. OATS are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, bekauze thare iz more than one bv them. They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one quarter inches hi, and the straw iz holler. This straw iz interesting for its sukshun. Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the buzzum ov a sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4 minnitts, bi the watch. I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and reliable men, who stand around reddy to prove this, if sum boddy will fetch on the cobbler. This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing. I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that in the game ov pharaoh, it iz the " splits ' that win. If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought that the splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the coblier and agin the suckshun. ]But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in most everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully dizzy, about four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain ov an engine company, that lager beer waz not intoxikating, but waz fulllsister to filtered rane Wrater. If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, but i must git back onto oats agin. I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to bite into it to do it. I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying with a text iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, page: 410-411[View Page 410-411]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 410-411 "O MSSELLANEOUS. yu kant work what's left ov it into ennything else, not even a rag karpet. Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi mind. Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov sum kind, for rag karpets in the rag, and i don't have but one pair ov clothes at a time on this ackount, and theze i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite, when i go tew bed. She watches mi clothes just az cluss-az a mule duz a bistander, and i hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and kant be found soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last roll of rag karpet. But for all this, i love mi wife with the affeckshun ov a parent, (she iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had rather be rag karpeted bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with warm apple sass, bi enny other woman. But i must git back s 1ssR sE \OS S s L onto oats agin. Oats - $ N 'x %.gro on the summit ov straw, and are sharp at both ends. They resemble shu in looks, and build, and it iz sed, are often mistaken for bosses and shumakers. remtark az enny dero- gativeness to shumak- ers in the lump; for i hay often sed, in mi inspired moments, if couldn't be a shu- maker, i would like to be a good lawyer. Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a OATS. 4" stage hoss laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know he is tickled somewhare. This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they amuze the stummuck ov. the boss .with their sharp ends, and then the hoss laffs. I-hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could be did. Thare iz a grate menny folks, ov good moral karakter, who wont believe enny thing unless they kan see it, theze kind of folk are always the eazyest to cheat. They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill they tri it, this kind of infonnashun alwus kosts more than it iz aktually worth. It iz a middling wize man who proffits bi hiz own experi- ence, but it iz a godd deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-snaik bight the other phellow. The Goddess ov korn iz also the the Goddess ov oats, and barley, and bukwheat. Her name iz Series, she is a mithlological woman, and like menny wimmen now a ddaze, she iz hard tew lokate. Thezer mithology men, and wimmin, work well enuff in poetry, whare a good deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but when you cum right down to korn in the ear, or oats in the bundle, all the gods and goddesses in the world, kant warrent a good crop. It takes labor tew raize. oats, and thrash them out, but ov all the lazy cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam waz a boy, the gods, and goddesses, hav always been too lazy to swet. Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz worth. I would like to see a whole parcell -ov theze gods, and goddesses, in a harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month of August, they couldn't earn their pepper-sass. Oats are sold bi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or perhaps i may say in confidence never) sold by count. Eggs, and money, are counted out, but oats never. page: 412-413[View Page 412-413]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 412-413 "2 MSSELLANEOUS. It would be well for nu beginners to remember this, it would save them a good deal of time on every hundred bushels ov oats. Time iz sed tew be the same az money, if this iz positively so, Methuseler died ritch. Methuseler waz exackly 999 years old when he died, now multipli this bi 365, which would only be allowing him a 'dollar a day for hiz time, and yu will find just what he waz worth. Oats are worth from 40, to 75 cents a bushel, ackording tew their price, and aint good for mutch, only tew tickle a hoss. They will choke a goose to deth quicker than a paper oi pins, and enny thing that will choke a goose to deth (i mean on the internal side ov their thrut) iz, to say the least ov it, very skarse. Speaking ov a goose, i hav found out at last what makes them so tuff, it iz staying out so mutch in the cold. I found this out all alone by miself. Oats are a very eazy krop tew raize. All yu hav got to do, to raize sum oats, iz to plough the ground deep, then manure it well, then sprinkle the oats all over the ground, one in a place, then worry the ground with a drag all over, then set up nites tew keep the chickens, and woodchuckwi out ov them, then pray for sum rain, then kradle them down with a kradle, then rake them together with a rake, then bind them up with a band, then stack them up in a stack, then thrash them out with a flail, then clean them up with a mill, then sharpen both ends ov them with a knife: then stow them away ili a granery, then spend wet days, and Sundays, trapping for rats, and mice. r It aint nothing but phun tew raize oats-try it. One ov the best wayrs tew raize a sure crop ov oats, and tew git a good price for the crop, iz tew feed 4 quarts ov them tew a shanghi rooster then murder the rooster sud- denly, and sell him for 25 cents a pound, crop and all. A LAFF.-PASHUNCE OV JOB. 413 A LAFF. ]Men who never laff, inay have- good hearts, but they are deep seated,-like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim. I don't like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like the dandy- lion, a"feeble yeller, and not a bit ov good smell about it. It iz true that enny kind of a laff iz better than none,- but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust, to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued sparks,--4hen steals bak, with a smile, to its liar, in the hartc, tew watch agin for its prey,- this is the kind ov laff that i luv, and aint afradc ov. PASHUNCE OV JOB. '1VRYBODDY iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but' did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round?* Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all- hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once 2 Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perlinses tu a tea squall? Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous? Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in a lot? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old page: 414-415[View Page 414-415]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 414-415 "4 MSSETLLANEOUS. rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing- "damnashun!-" If he cuddu all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job! FRIDAY.-Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, , - for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers. She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery THE GAME OF YEWKER. 415 by saying, " she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged ,to X ' ;"' I blushed like a biled lobster, and told hav bin ruined for life. - ACTHE GAME GAME OF YEWKER. THIS ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old. It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty. It is generally played by 4 persons - and owes mutch ov its absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while the game is advancing. I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else. If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will aston- ish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or 8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play po- ker with ; but you will be more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and a one spot. Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle. I never play yewker. I never would learn how, out ov principle. I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity. I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness. But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game. I won't play no such-kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, mi natiff place. ^ page: 416-417[View Page 416-417]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 416-417 "6 MSSELLANEOUS. BEER. HAV finally cum tew the konclusion, that ldger beer iz not intoxikatin. I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew - tri- the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen .glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer- saloon, and could have no object, in stating what want strictly thus. I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life; was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too. Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it In e how. ( I never had so much experience, in so short a tirne. If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxika- ting, i should beleave him; but if he should tell mne that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up. If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober. 'In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped' awfully, and saw evrything in the . BEER. 41'7 room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't, git up quick enuff tew take the next one when it cum, and that ain't aul; mi wife sed i waz az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely. 27ki' ' page: 418-419[View Page 418-419]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 418-419 "8 MSSELLANEOUS. If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i knio. Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when hiz bile want plumb. I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tem- pranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open. I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put-tew soak in. LAUGHING. IT never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded ;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely within the province ov humans. It iz the language ov infancy-the eloquense ov childhood, -and the power tew laff is the power to be happy. It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very few exceptions, sakred tew- sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always agreeable and in order. It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words. -Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.-It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. It drives away weari- ness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper.-It never iz covetous,-It ackompanys charity, and iz thef hand- maid ov honesty.--It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment.--Sum have kalled it a weak- ness-a substitute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance.-It holds .the mirror up tew 6 THE ADVENT NO. 2. 4 19 beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtew heavenly. It iz the light ov life; without it we should be but anima- ted ghosts. It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and car- ries haff ov poverty's bundles.-It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a brite spot behind.-It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase.--It nevergrows old; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the grave. Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would show no joy.-It iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Paradise. Y THE ADVENT NO. 2. THE seckund adventists, and adventisses, are a people ov slo growth, but remarkabel vigor and grate endurance. Thev have been to work, with both hands, for about thirty years, to mi knowledge, in bringing this world tew her milk; and tho often outfigured in the arithmetick ov events, they rub out the slate, and begin agin. Like all other moral enthusiasts for right or wrong, they tap the bible for their nourishment, and several times, so they say, hav onl missed in their kalculations, but about two inches, which mighty cluss for so big a thing. The time haz bin sott, at least a dozen times since i hav bin an inhabitant in this country, and when i waz a boy, az tender, and az green az celery, i kan rekolekt with mi memory, ov having awful palpitations in the naberhood ov the knee-pans, upon one ov the eventful days, and crawled under the barn, not to be in the way. But az i grew older--if i didn't gro enny wizer-I had the page: 420-421[View Page 420-421]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 420-421 420 MSSFETLLANEOUS. satisfackshun ov growing bigger, and more less afrade ov advents. I cum tew the konklusion, sum time since, that Divine Providence treated the world, without enny ov the succor or scientifick attainments ov man, and he probably would be able to destroy it in the same way. I hav alwus thought, judgeing from what little i hav bin able tew pick, that waz lieing around Inal natur, thet if the 'le o;world hadn't bin bilt, before man waz, he e probably wouldn't i:p hay bin satizfied if he couldn't hav put in hiz lip. u--nea and tkenoc labbed oukrit ter, and luvs tew etell how things ought wi"l take slt, n pni] ndsradtew be hilt and haz got .ist impudence Cnuff tew offer lis valuable services tew the Lord espeshilysin the way ov advice. Now I'am confidently ov the opinyun that the world will sumtime be knocked out ov time; it hain't got the least partic- kle ov immotality about it, that I hav bin able aew diskover, it iz az certain tew di az man iz, and i think enny boddy, who will take slate, and pencil, and straddle a chair calmly, and cypher out the earth's death to day, iz no wizer; nor less imprudent and wicked, than if he figgured on hiz nabors phunneral, and then blabbed it all around town. The bible that i was brought up on, sez' "that the son of man cometh like a thief in the night," and evry boddy knows, that the lust intimashun we hav ov a thief's visit iz, that he haz been here, and left. THE ADVENT NO. 2. 421 Thare iz a large share ov the students, in the secund adven dokter stuff, that are pupils ov pitty, they cum into this world 'not only naked, but without enny brains, nor enny place suita ble -tew put enny, the fust bizzness, ov enny consequence the3 do, iz to begin to wonder, and it ain't long before the phoo nuss picks them up, and givs them a stiddy job. This iz the way the common adventer iz made, and if h aint a stool pidgeon for life in the second advent speckula shun, he iz in sum other cuming thing, with a hole in the bot tom ov it, for enny man who iz eazy to phool, loves to b( phlooled. The fust originators ov phalse doktrines, are most alwui dupes tew their own ignorance, but if the doctrine seemstem )e a hit, then yu will see men ov brains, who ought tew b ashamed ov sich wickedness, take the masheen bi the crank: and run it., I dont know whether Mr. Miller waz the inventor ov thii seckond advent abortion or not, but if he waz, i will bet s haff pint ov peenuts, and pay whether i win or lose, that hE waz a phatt, lazy old simpleton who lived on a back road, a2 inorant ov the bible az a kuntry hoss doktor iz ov mediqin, I I am alwus reddy tew pitty, and forgiv a phool, espeshily i when he dont step on ennv boddy but himself. Thare iz one thing about theze enthusiasts that iz phair, and rather remarkable for humbuggers, they destroy them' selfs, az well az the rest ov us, at the same pop. Mi opinyun iz, if the worl should consent tew cum tew an end, to suit their reckoning, they would be az skared a sett ov carpet-baggers, az yu could find, andibe the fust ones to say, that the figgures had lied. I am willing tew dubble mi haff pint bet ov peenuts, and make it a pint, that thare aint a Millerite now living, nor ever agoing tew liv, whom yu could git tew take 87 1-2 cents in change for a dollar greenback, or who would giv a dubble price for a breakfasst, on the morning ov the day that iz sott for the worlds destrukshun. Enthusiasm, and seckond adventism, iz cheap, but a dollar iz wuth the face ov it. page: 422-423[View Page 422-423]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 422-423 422- MSSELLANEOUS. Oh!mpudence, whare iz thy sting! Oh! pholly, whare iz thy viktory! QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. Qu.--How fast will the " come-ing man " probably travel . Ans.-It iz unpossibul tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, he'd better stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a slow cuss, in these parts, but to run foot races with the crab family. Qu.- What are yure sentiments in regard tew southern rekonstrukshun? Ans.-In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for the South, iz to be born agin. Qu o-What iz the most karniverous animal? Ans.-Death. Qu.-What iz the eaziest thing tew digest? Ans.-A good joke. Qu.-Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine suckcessfulllly? Ans.-Whi not! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket book. Qu.-Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule? Ans.-Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and muske- toze. Qu.-Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust, or last? Ans.-I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the last word. Qu.-Who are the only real temperance folks in the world? Ans.-The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare. Qu.--Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the word Damn as a tonick . Ans.--It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn't worth a dam. QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. 423 Qu.-What iz one ov the principal dutys we owe to our country Ans.-The customs. Qu.-Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz hosts, being drank up by the Red see? Ans.-I do; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city. Qu.-Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov the humin heart? Ans.-The luv ov applauze; it sticks tew evryboddy during life, and repeats itself on the tumestun. Qu.--If yu waz blest! with a boy, which ov the lernt pro- feshions would yu dedikate him to? Ans.-The shumakers. Qu.-Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life? Ans.-Only one; liv virtuously; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity. Qu.--Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man's life a Ans.-Immediately after he haz did a square thing. Qu.-Is whiskee a tonick? Ans.-No, it iz an alterative; it alters dollars into pence, and men into bruits. Qu.-Iz revenge a viktory? Ans.-Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals enny quicker. Qu.- Don't you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings; and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the- scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov whhat haz been written long ago bi the ancients? Ans.-I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation; thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust invented. Qu.-What is the difference between a mistake and a blunder Ans.-When a man sets down a poor umbrella., and takes page: 424-425[View Page 424-425]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 424-425 424 . MSSELLANEOUS. up a good one he makes a mistake, but when he sets down a good umbrella and takes up a poor one he makes a blunder. Qu.-If i couldn't hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be? Ans.-Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest. Qu.--Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the sorry Christian? Ans.-Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius heft, but i don't think the Lord ever takes the length of a man's face for a suit of heavenly clothes; he i measures the soul. Qu.--What iz the best cure for love? Ans.-Tew liv on it. Qu.-What iz the best cure for pride? Ans.-A fall on the ice before folks. Qu.-What iz a sik old bachelor like? Ans.-A cocoon. Qn.- What iz an excuse? Ans.-The finesse ov reason. Qu.--What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch? . , Ans.-At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress; at Long Branch it iz to undress and go in. Qu.--Where do the vain go tew when they die? Ans.-A barber's shop. "ONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE. H]IEFZE three places are wet spots. I I visited them all during the past seazon, and kant be mistaken about, this. Upon my, arrival at Long Branch, i commenced at once tew drink the water, but it did not answer mi expektashun. I like lemonade, and milk puntch, and sum sider, but min- eral water aint mi fort. "ONG BRANCH, SARATOGA AND LAKE GEORGE. 425 I think the water at Long Branch iz too psalt. I noticed that most ov the people went out into the water sum ways from the shore, the water may taste more fresh out thare. I laid down on mi flat stummuk, cluss teMw the edge ov the water, and drank sum. But the folks that waz out in the water got on a frolik, and pushed the water into the shore so 7m. llnttch that it went all over me. This waz looked wrhe, a upon az whsid but" shnf: i inart, and every I sl boddy laffed. long Branch it t t verry plenty, and -e4 will last for menny m years to cum, if they are saving ov it. They told me LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE. that the water at Long Branch was good for the -fidgit, and the conipshun. I think if the water waz strained, and the mineral got out ov it, i might worry down sum ov it. I took a jug ov the water home, and tried it on ml aunt, who haz a fidgit once in a while, but she didn't hanker for it but once. I sent avial ov it tew our minister, and the next Sunday hiz text waz "if 'psalt hlas lost its saver, whare shall it be psalte d." Wile i was at Long Branch I think thare waz more than page: 426-427[View Page 426-427]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 426-427 426 MSSELLANEOUS. ar millynn ov people cum and went, and i didn't hear one ov them- find enny phalt with the taste ov the water. I shall go down thare next spring early, and stay thare till i learn how tew like the water. While at Long Branch i put up at the Continental hotel, which iz handy to the water. This hotel is 7 hundred feet long, and one hundred and sixty-five feet thick, and the water iz lokated just about in front. ov the middle ov the hotel. The landlord ov this hotel iz a very clever phellow, and told me he had kept the house 5 years, and couldn't drink the water yet with mutch suckcess. His name iz W. H. Borrows, and i reckomend him to all who are in search ov a landlord. I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and be- gun to drink. I don't think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long Branch. I staid at Saratoga four weeks, and worked away at the water all the time. The more i drinkt, the less i wanted to. The water ain't so numerous at Saratoga, az it iz at Long Branch, and that iz the reason whi they bottle it. I stopt at the Grand Union Hotel while at Saratoga, and noticed several people thare. This hotel iz kept by the lelands, and iz kept just az i should keep hotel, if i waz a going tew keep one. I always thought it waz dredful easy to keep a good hotel, and after staying 4 weeks at the Grand Union I know it iz. The clerks at this hotel are a hansum set ov phellows and they all told me they knew how to drink the water. I shall cum here next summer and stop at this same hotel, if they will let me, and i shall keep comeing year after year, until i learn how to finally drink the water. From Saratoga i went to Lake George. I went by the Adirondax ralerode, and found it a most de- litesum route, besides being mutch the cheapest. "ONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE. 427 One reason ov this waz bekauze the superintendant ov the v rode presented me with a pass to go and cum. I kan say to all who are going to Lake George to drink the waters, yu had better go by the Adirondax route yu will git less dust and more shade; yu will find good stages, jolly driv- ers, kind agents, and just az like az not, a free pass for your- self and wife. a I reached Lake George in time to drink before dinner, and couldn't taste enny psalt in the water. I waz suprized at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste. I tried the water the next morning, and found them still unsalty, and paid mi bill, and left. The landlord asked me, with tears in hiz eyes, what waz the matter, and i whispered in hiz ear that the water lakt psalt. He begged mi pardon, and offered tew fix sum for me. 1 left Lake George with the firm convikshun that the water iz too fresh tew be proffitable. Sumthing was sed tew me about the scenery around Lake George being so fine; but i didn't go for scenery, i went for water. After spending eleven weeks ov pure, unspekeled happi- -ness, i find miself at hum agin, feeling like a birde, but a leetle water-soaked. I shall start in a phew days for Utaw, and shall spend the winter thare, and praktiss on the waters. I am told that the waters at psalt lake are more substanshall g ; tew drink than enny others.. I' shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and study pollygamy. J If pollygamy iz a blessing, the quicker we all find it out the better. I forgot to state, that i saw one man at Saratoga drink 9 glasses ov mineral water konsekutiff. They sed he waz a sailor-a regular old psalt. I also saw one man. at Long Branch drink more water than he could swaller. He cum very near drounding to deth. But thare iz excepshuns tew the general rule. page: 428-429[View Page 428-429]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 428-429 428 MSSELLANEOUS. SUM VEGETABEL IISTORY. TIIE strawherry is one ov natur's sweet pets. J1 She makes them worth fifty cents, the fiust she makes, and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price. The culler ov the strawherry iz like the setting sun under a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida. There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one in the whole lot. I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, in sumboddy's tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the hurry of the moment. Cherrys are good, but they are too match like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it. Peaches are good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips. Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with halfsweetened drink; but the man who can eat strawherrys besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream, (at sumboddy else's expense), and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawherrys and stummuks, iz a man with a worn-out conscience-a man whose mouth tastes like a hole in the ground, that don't care what goes down it. . NEW ASHFORD. The village ov New Ashford iz lokated in the state ov Massachusetts, and iz about 150 miles west ov Plymouth rok. NEW ASHFORD. 429 It iz one ov them towns that dont make enny fuss, but for pure water, pure morals, and good rye, and injun bread, it stands on tiptoze. It waz settled soon after the landing ov the pilgrims, bi sum ov that party, and like all the Nu England towns, waz, at one time, selebrated for its stern religious creed, and its excellent rum and tanzy. It may seem a leetle strange, tew these latter day saints, tew hear me mix up rumn and religion together, but i had an Unkle, who preached God's word in the next town south ov New Ashford, 80 years ago, who died in due time, and went to heaven. This genial old saint alwus took, on week daze, three mag- nificent horns ov rum and tanzy, and Sundaze he took four. I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up hiz faith. But i wouldn't advise enny ov the yung klergy ov to-day t ew eddle with rum and tanzy, az a fertilizer. The tanzy iz allrite-it grows az green and az bitter az ever; for man kant adulturate it, but the rum haz bin bedevil- ed into rank pizon. One sich horn az mi old unkle used tew absorb between hiz sermons on Sunday (5 inches, good and strong) would dis- franchise a whole drove ov preachers now. In. them daze, the preacher waz a stalwart man, and could mo his swarth in the hay field, with the best ov. them, and could ride a hard trotting cob or a hoss, 6 miles an hour, all day, akrost the mountains, and set doun at night, to biled pork and kabbage, and kold injun puddin, and after thanking the Lord for his menny mersys, eat hiz way, llean to the middle ov the table. But ,times, and men, hav altered, and so haz rum and tanzy. ,I dont want them good old times tew cum back agin, we aint pure enuff now tew stand them, neither are we tuff'enuff. Our virtews may be az pure in the eyes ov heaven, but they kant stand the biled pork, and rum, ov one hundred years ago. page: 430-431[View Page 430-431]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 430-431 430 MSCELLANEOUS. We are told that mankind are growing weaker and wizer; weaker i admit, but wisdum that is gained at the expense ov simplicity may be a doubtful gain. I never hav meet an old mai yet, who didn't mourn the degeneracy ov the times. Wisdum don't konsist in knowing more that iz new, but in knowing less that iz false. But, dear Mr. -, i will now git back tew whare i am, and tell yu sumthin about New Ashford. If yu luv a mountain, cum up here and see me. Right in front ov the little tavern, whare i am staying, rizes up a chunk ov land, that wilrmalke yu feel weak tew look at it. I hav bin on its top, and far above waz the brite blu ski, without a kloud swimming in it, while belo me the rain shot slanting on the valley, and the litening played its mad pranks. How is this for hi? But what a still place this New Ashford iz. At sunrize the roosters crow all around, once apiece; at sunset the cows cum hollering home tew be milked; and at twilite out steal the krickets, with a song, the burden ov which seems sad and weary. This iz all the racket thare iz in New Ashford. It iz so still here that you can hear a feather drop from a blujay's tail. Out ov this mountain, squeezed bi the weight ov it, leaks a little brook ov water, and up and down this brook each day i loiter. In mi hand i hav a short pole, on the end ov the pole a short line, on the line a sharp hook, looped on the hook a grub, or a worm. Every now and and-then thare cums dancing out ov this little brook a live trout no longer than yure finger, but az sweet az a stick ov kandy, and in he goes at the top ov mi baskit. This iz what i am here for; trout for breakfast, trout for dinner and trout for supper. NEW ASHFORD. 4:31 I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling heifer. I hav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi boddy. I haven't read a nuzepaper for a week, and wouldn't read one for a dollar. I shall stay here till mi munny givs out, and shall cum bak tew the senseless 'crash ov the city, with a tear in mi eye, '- and holes in both ov dar ' I smi boots. ta ; a " eThis world iz phull ov fun, but most wen i phlolks look too hi o On one side, ov 'i: this mountain they go awa, ' oiw1111isolbe say thare iz rattle- fil snaix, on that side of the mo u n t a i n, iz whare i dent go. I am just az fraid .. ov a snaix as a wo- man iz i had rather i'1 // meet the devil, enny- time, on a bust, than a three foot snaik. A striped snaik in the morning spiles the rest ov that day for me. I am coming home, dear ,Friends in two months, and then i will set down, in yure little sanktum, and whisper to you. It iz, so still here, that a whisper sounds loud; a still noize iz another name, i beleave, for }lappiness. The bible sez: "peace, be still." The fust thing i do in the morning, when i git up, iz tew go out and look at the mountain, and see if it iz thare, if this mountain S;hould go away, how lonesim i should be. Yesterday i picked one quart ov field strAwherrys, kaught 27 trout, and gathered a whole parcell ov wintergreen leaves, a big daze work. page: 432-433[View Page 432-433]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 432-433 432 MSSELLANEOUS. - i When i got home last night tired, no man kould hav bought them ov me for 700 dollars, but i suppoze, after all, that it waz the tired that waz wuth the munny. Thare is a grate deal ov raw bliss, in gitting tired. l Dear Mr. - good-bye, it iz now 9 oclk, P. M., and every , thing, in New Ashford, iz fast asleep, inkluding the krickets, I will just step out and see if the mountain iz thare, and then I will-go to bed too. Oh! the bliss ov living up in New Ashford, cluss bi the side ov a grate giant mountain tew guard yu, whare every thing iz az still as a boys tin whissell at midnite, a musketo couldn't liv long enuff tew take one bite, whare board iz only 4 dollars a week, and everyboddy, kats and all, at 9 clok, P. M., are fast asleep, and snoreing. BENDS. H ISTORIANS and biographers having refused tew giv enny transparent account ov the various Bends that i hav got into things, us naturalists have passed a resolushun tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew treat of themi in a joyful and flexible manner. The most butiful, az well 'Z truest bilt .Bend, in this grate republick, iz the rainbow. For the informashun ov the scholler we shall simply state that this Bend iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reach- ed the west, altho the enterprising people who liv in thoze parts undoubtedly will soon hav them, on a mutch bigger and improved plan. Bends are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral ones it will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north Bend, in the State ov Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly a President ov the grate republick; and also south Bend, in the State ov Indiana, the residence ov Schuyler Colfax, who, while i am putting down these remarks, iz running very fast for the Vice Presidency ov this grate republick with a cer- tainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold. (Later.--He haz won.) BENDS. 433 Another wonderful and awe-inspiring Bend in this grate republick is the political Bend. This Bend iz az common and az limber az the figger 8. It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her side, and be the same thing all the time. It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back a summer- sett over forwards. Menny ov our most noble pollyticians hav bent theirselfs in diffrent spots so often that they travel like a sick snake. Thare iz one little Bend, prakticed bi both old and young men, that haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the other crooks in the world put in a heap together, i rpean the elbo Bend, that cauzes the mout tew fly apart on its hinges, and let the burglar whiskee tew rob the brain ov its patrimo- ny reazon, and illuminate the soul with the torchghts ov the devil. In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler Bend, which brings a man down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes him az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap. This iz a good Bend tew take once in a while; but never. ought tew git chronick. This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows :--a house- hold, with a woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom ov it, iz one ov thoze concerns whare the wife haz authority without power, whare the yung ones are sassy without re- proach, and whare the husband iz meek without virtew. In fashionabel life a new Bend hlaz just appeared, (August 19th, 1868,) which iz under the patronage ov both genders' the fop and the belle. This iz a dorsal Bend near the back fin, and gives the wearers ov it, when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen tur- key making for a woodshed in a heavy shower ov rain. I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the name ov it, it iz called the Grecian Bend, which iz expekted tew sanktify it. I don't kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their 28: page: 434-435[View Page 434-435]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 434-435 434 MSSRLLANEOUS. travelling; they are about played out, and may be hump- -backed. But if Solan, the ancient wisdom maker and law-s giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals with this gorge in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered it taken oph with a jack-plane. How long this knapsack gait will continnew to be fashiona- bel in New York, the home ov folly, whare just now it iz be-i- ing experimented with, i am unabel tew reply, but i hope not long enuff tew transmit-the hump tew posterity. I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bord-. ering on delirium tremens, and wheh a native ov Madagascar, not more than haff civilized, asked me the other day, on E Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he met, i waz forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch: "Nix for stix!" and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss quick .. I don't know ov but one thing now that but few would hanker for, if it should ever bekunm fashionabel again, and that iz good, square, pony-bilt common sense, without enny Bend in it. Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living. What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian Bend should refuse tew let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum hu crook in sum other part ov the boddy should hump itself! What a lot ov unsaleable feimales we should hav thrust on the market! I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew natur, but i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the back; it iz a cowardly blow on an aimabel critter, whose great- est pleasure iz tew harm noboddy.! KOLIDING. THE wurd " kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefi- nit meaning tew menny folks. Thru the kindness of a-nere and dear frend, i am able tew KOLIDING. ' 435 translate the wurd so that enny man kan understand it at onst. The term " kolide " is used tew explain the sarkumstanse , TEW LATE FUR THE TRANE. Ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pass each uther on a single It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide." JOSH BILLINGS. AMERTKANS love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink either. So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half- shell with cayenne. An Englishman wants hiz -fun smothered deep in mint auce;, and he iz willing tew wait till next day before he tastes T page: 436 (Illustration) [View Page 436 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 436 (Illustration) 436 MSSELLTTANEOUS. If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick. " An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and hawhaws on a canter. I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor. We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it. HAVING herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense. I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov artifishall water, which waz owned bi a stock com- pany, and froze tew order. Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery build- ings, where the wimmen sot on benches while the fellers (kiv- vered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet.,. It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey-and the wind waz in the air-and the birds were in the South-- and the snow waz on the ground-and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold--and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a little and thare a good deal. It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler "Bully " or lay down and rool over. But i kept in, and aked with glory. Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind. The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze and i "OST AND FOUND. "Iz this the child you losts mum?" page: -437[View Page -437]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -437 THE FALLEN AN{GELL. 437 other things (tew mutch to menshun) fluttered in the breeze. I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life-on ice. For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement, I felt like a kanall boss turned suddinly out to grass. I didn't kno how tew proceed. Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down the trak, 3 lengths alied ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed; she page: 438-439[View Page 438-439]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 438-439 438 MSSFLTLANEOUS. seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle. Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a min- nitt's space, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawful plase; and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes. I had saw enuff-more happyhess than belonged tew me-- and az i sloly wended back tew mi hoine at the tavern i felt --good.- WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE. DEAR Mr.- : Your letter to me this morn- ing for more copy haz given birth to the follering home made refleckshuns upon thoze short skribblers, who, like miself, infest the virtewous press. It may look like an eazy task tew thoze who never tried it, tew write a haff a collum ov comik essa each week, and it iz an eazy task to thoze who never tried it, but to thoze who hav tried it, and who hav even suckceeded but a few inches, it iz a good deal like lifting things that are tied down. In the -first place a comik essa must hav a short back, be sharp on the withers, not tew'long legged, kind in all harness, hard to skare, and able to show 2:40 to a road waggon. The power ov a cornik essa resides in its idea, either origi- nal or admirably stolen, not in its words, strung out lazily like a snake sunning himself in the sand. It iz no place for yure short essayer to hide among the debris ov abstrakted thoughts, or skulk behind a flame colored paragraff, or doze in recital upon an ebb tide, or hammer out an iron proposishun into points more or less dull, or quote latin, or bad french, but he must be az short az a nuzeboy's prayer, az sudden az the end ov a rope, az quick az a sneeze, and az brilliant in hiz busts az a ski rocket. WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE. 439 Awl real strength iz short; thinks are broke, or histed, with a jerk; comik essayers must ram pages -into paragraffs; wit, or humor, iz something like ginger pop-thare is about as mutch in the pop, that is interesting, as thare iz in the gin- ger. Theze short essays are like buckwheat slap-jacks; evryboddy seems tew like them hot, and tew git them hot iz jest where the little joker cums in. A lukewarm comik essay haz no more fun in it than a Dutch konumdrum tew a man who don't understand the language. I often git letters from sum of our best philanthropisters, who love me, thay say, and who wonder whi i don't write sum longer things. Awl I kan say tew them iz, that a short bilt writer iz often dull enuff, and a long bilt one iz necessisarily so. A streak ov lazy lightning, a mile long, that anyboddy kan dodge, soon loozes awl its novelty. Thare iz grate power in words, if yu don't hitch tew menny ov them together; but their only power iz the interpretashun ov ideas; and the more ginger you kan git intu the pod the better the dose. Sum men are never so brilliant as when they don't make enny remarks, and no man needn't; git mad at himself bekauze he haz sed a good thing without wasting a word. A comik essayer bhaz got tew have a sprinkling ov the monkey in him; he must akt sensible things strangely; it iz not an eazy task tew be a good monkey, nor will it exackly answer tew be an artyfishall monkey; the deviltry in a monkey iz natral-if it want, it wouldn't be funny, but ridikilous. Az i hav sed on a feuter occasion before, it iz eazier tew be a good critick, than a poor writer, but i am the last man tew giv enny man mutch credit, for being able tew find fault. If enny ov yure readers, Dear Mr.-- -- ,or enny ov the fust klass philanthropisters or philanthropisterisses, hav got anny spare kapital lieing idle, they would like tew insert into the comik essa bizness, i am reddy tew sell out mi small stock, good will and fixtures, and i will quietly go into the frogs hind page: 440-441[View Page 440-441]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 440-441 "O MSSELLANEOUS. legg trade, and at the, end ov 90 days, if they don't find the silver-plated nonsense bizzness harder tew steer than they; think it iz, i will giv them credit for having a good stock ov brains or impudense, i don't know whitch. A. man who iz on a jurney, iz expekted tew go slow, and git dull, but if he iz on an errand he iz expekted tew be lively, ! it iz jistly thus with yure long and yure cluss bilt writers. I hope thoze who take the pain tew read this squiblet, will giv me credit for writing what i think, if it ain't so sarching and brilliant, and i would thank thoze who semioftenly advice me tew pump more power and doxology into what i write, tew purchase me out and sett up the hot paragraff trade theirselfs, and giv us wit on the haff-shell, nitroglycerine humor, fun soaked in kamphene, jests crazy tew go oph at haff cock, and raw sense that will make a saw-hoss laff. I am mad that i ever set sail in the comik essa schooner, tew be so often caught on the flats, and if i could git out of it now and hav enny karakter at all left i would grab at the offer. I will stop bi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write i too mutch than it iz too little, and awl comik atteampts, must be quick tew win, for folks wont bear but little phooling at once on enny subjik, and i say bully for you, folks. BE AU BENNET'S SUPPLIKASIIUN. KIND Fortune, teach tli servant humility, but let no sneak ov an upstart outshine him in things that are styl- ish. ' Giv unto me morality copious; and may mi shirt kollars be stiffer than china and whiter than snoballs in winter. Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wis- dum be grate-even like unto Solaman's. Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these num - ber 10 feet ov mine. BEAU BENNET'S SUP:PLIKASHUN. 441 Fill up mi kup tew the brim's verry top with honor and honesty, and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with sorrow and silent confushion. Take away from me all vanity, but grant that mi Sunday panterloons may fit me, even az korn fitteth the kob. Remove far from me, O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain ostentashun, but grant that mi name i amung w i m m i n may ever be spo- . { ken in acksenits of .. mi taylor and shu- JI! i I maker how te W Um, wait for their reun- fet mli heart-feast Ii smile thou upon g" periwig nobby. Remove far from " Ae - me all gluttony, but preserve i appetight for toast with a quail on it in all its original buty. Teach me tew shun all decpshn,but help metewma r ry a big pile at last, making sum maiden or yung widdo happy. Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind For- tune, that mi hat kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi gloves be exceeded. Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers tew smote me, giv tew mi feet the fleetnessu ov venson and mi legs the speed ov the roebuck. Remove all affektashun far from me, but enable me tew keep up appearances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it. page: 442-443[View Page 442-443]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 442-443 "2 MSSELLANEOUS. Abuv all things with modesty shower me. Yea! make me - -all dripping wet, but don't let me looze a good chance mi nu koat tew spread before the eyes ov men filled with envy. i Make me at all times ov the poor heathen thoughtful, at church not forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent i plaster. Remove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and korns pestiverous, and grant that mi calfs may still fatten on saw durst, and mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte ever buble and bile over with mersy. Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash tew twist into such long draun out sweetness that all the peo- pile shall kall me "Y"ung Purity." Smile thou! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers and gloviers, all perfumers and dentists, all wash-wimmin and shu blaks, and forgiv them the dets i may owe them, and i kauze me tew weep over man and hiz menny misfortins. ! Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo's with- munny, all moth- ers ov fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches lay- ing around loose,' but chiefly giv me a conshience full ov aroma. Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but should he slip away sudden, bow me down with sorrow be- kuming. Listen! dear Fortune, listen!-giv me the style ov heart breaking Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintanse, and feed with nu fires exquisit the soltaire that burns on lmi buzzum. I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a lamp post, if theze mi prayers are answered-farewell for the present-don't go back on Beau Bennett, the butiful!! A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY. Y U are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and i suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, for the last time tew. A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY. 443 It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wards, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifika- shun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for. Now Skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu page: 444-445[View Page 444-445]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 444-445 "4 MSSELLANEOUS. hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns at i auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as I rekomnended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstrncted rite for a veteran sur- i geon amung bosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kal- I amil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin. Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly. Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim y ure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik ; but if yu find ' yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew-stretch the cloth & the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu, will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with dreams. Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whethler yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate friends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounter- fit munny, and dont expek tew buy elekshun, and then sell yure prinsiples tew git even; if yu kant go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this with- out blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an honest living bi cheatin on the square. ! Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feel- ing towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wiggling ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the gove- nor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpen- ter and jiner. FEMALE REMARKS, 445 FEMATLE REMARKS. DEAR Girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband? This is a pumper, and yu are not required tew say "Yes " out loud, but are expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto the earth, az tho yu waz looking for a pin, and reply tew the interrogatory, with a kind ov draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz eating an oyster, juice and all, off from the haff shell. Not t6ew press so tender a theme untill it bekums a thorn in the flesh, we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu are on the look-out for sumthing in the male line tew boost yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew keep hiz eye on the britching 'when yu begin tew go down the other side of the mountain. Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot yure fewter hussband: 1. The man who iz jellous ov every little attenshun which yu git from sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are mar- fied tu him, luvs himself more than he duz yu, and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu will diskover, has changed into indifference. Jellousy isn't a heart-diseaze; it is a liver-kom- plaint. 2. A mustash is not indispensible; it iz only a little more hair, and iz a good deal like moss and other excressences-- often duz the best on sile that won't raize ennything else. Don't forgit that thoze things which yu admire in a phellow before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in a huss- band after, and a mustash will git tew be very weak diet after a long time. 3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, two-thirds ov them would probably be returned; but thare don't seem tew be enny law for this. Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after yu git a man, yu hav got tew keep him, even if yu loose on hin. Consequently, if yu hav got enny kold vitles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during courting season, and if he swallers them well, and sez he will take sum more, he is a man who, when blue Monday cums, will wash well. page: 446-447[View Page 446-447]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 446-447 "6 MSSELLANEOUS. 4. Don't marry a pheller who iz alwus a-telling how hiz- mother duz things. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz tew wean a yung one. 5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a planner, and. kant hear a fish-horn playing in the street without turning a back summersett on account ov the musick that iz in him, i say, skip him; he might answer tew tend babe, but if yu sett him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will find that yu hav got tew do it yureself. A man whoze whole heft lies in musick (and not very hefty at that), ain't no better for a husband than a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing I sum gentle ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. But don't marry enny boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker than yu, would flop a man for jist one fault. 6. It iz one of the most tuffest things for a female tew be an old maid successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and made a bad job ov it. Evryboddy seems tew look upon old maids jist az they do uponf dried barbs-i- the garret, handy for sickness-and, tharefore, girls, it aint a mistake that yu should be willing -tew swop yurself oph, with some true phellow, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one; but don't swop for enny man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father iz. You had better be an old maid for 4 thousand years, and then join the Shakers, than tew buy repentance at this price. No woman ever made this trade who didn't git either a phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband. 7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging grows harder the further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform yu who not tew marry, than who tew, for the reason thare iz more ov them. I don't think yu will foiler mi advise, if i giv it; and, tharefore, i will keep it; for i look upon advise as i do upon castor ile-a mean dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take. But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find a bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty az sassy az a child looks upon wealth-who had rather sit down on the curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue PRIVATE OPINYUNS. 447 hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch, than tew go inside, and run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpick--one who iz armed with' that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a defeat for a victory, mi advise is tew take him boddy and soul--snare him at onst, for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in our waters. Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a tree. PRIVATE OPINYUNS. 'M private opinyun iz--that politeness iz about the only profeshion ov humans that i endorse without looking into. Mi private opinyun iz-that the man who cheats me, iz a good deal mi inferior. Mi private opinyun of Fame iz-that it konsists in being praized wrongfully while yu liv, and being darnd inkorektly when yu are ded, and the very best it kan do for enny man, iz tew make him respektably forgotten. Mi private opinyun iz-that a bad joke, iz like a bad eg, all the wuss for being cracked. Mi private opinyun iz-that manufaktring phun for other pholks amusement, iz like hatching out egs, a sober, stiddy bizzness. Mi private opinyun iz-that originality in writing waz played out long ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, iz tew steal with good judgement, and then own it like a man. Mi private opinyun iz-that the most that learning kan do for us, iz tew teach us how little we kno. Mi private opinyun ov eivilashun iz-that it alwus ends in luxury, and luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The bar- ' barians hav alwus outlasted the Christians, i am dredful sorry for this, but i kant help it. Mi private opinyun ov dandys iz-that they are moraly hybrid, and i guess they are other ways too. page: 448-449[View Page 448-449]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 448-449 "8 MSSELLANEOUS. Mi private opinyun iz-that when man haint got enny i thing tew say, then iz the best time not tew say it. My private opinyun iz-that sum men did aktually spring i from the monkey, and didn't hav fur tew spring neither. Mi private opinyun ov Rum iz-that the man who sells-it to hiz fello man iz wuss than a hiwayman-the hiwayman demands yure mun- ny or yure life-the j atrumseller demands O Mi private opin- Mjist about rivte opand onthlya kontrakt, norsez so. kask. Thoze wo at last enter Heaven may find the outer inside . Mi prite opinyn iz-that humorvirtew iz better t-an gold, but i also hav bin told tan 10 dollars in gold will go farthev- them, and the other ich, beauorze a oss ralter inode, the Ananllthe npiety ov-Moses. so.- My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz-that it iz inside. Mi private opinyun i--that virtew better than gold,- but towards bildin g a church, or a hos, ralerode, than alls-the piety ovtMoses. PRIVATE OPINYUNS. 449 Mi private opinyun ov human natur iz-that it is like a setting hen, just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as whare thare iz. Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz-that without enny experi- ence at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as tle man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to- morrow. Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz-that az a rekreashun, it iz delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizz- ness, it iz like hash 3 times a day, rather-mixt phoocd Mi private opinyun izm-that the man who mistakes a surly temper for superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who got whipt in hiz last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his next one. Mi private opinyun iz-that a young man oftner neglekts hiz genius for sawing wood than he does for writing poetry. Mi private opinyun iz--that adversity and temtashun are the very best kind ov tests ov virtew. Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz--that the gimblet kind iz the-most sarching. Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz-tlhat it iz like Joner's gourd, it often looses in a nite all that it gru in a day. Mi private opinyun ov angels on arth, az far az I hav sarched iz-from fair to midling. Mi private opinyun ov a braggart iz-that he iz a sheep ini wolfs clothing. Mi private opinyun ov a prude iz, that their gratest: anxiety iz tew have their propriety tempted. My private opinyun ov a coquet iz, that if they suckceed:f in dicing an old maid, they don't deserve all the punishment; they receive. Mi private opinyun ov woman iz, that ishe iz a natral brick, and she iz a phool just in proporshun that she don't kno it. Mi private opinyun ov mothers-in-law iz,. that they seldum stop short ov their mishun, but are fully equal tew the ocka- shun. 29: page: 450-451[View Page 450-451]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 450-451 450 MSSELLANEOUS. Mi private opinyin ov boys iz, if i hadn't been one once miself, and a tuff one at that, i should feel like sending the whole ov them, for life, to Botany Bay. Mi private opinyun ov girls, iz, the same az it waz 40 yeare ago, when i fust phell in luv with one ov them. Mi private opinyun ov the mass ov mankind iz, that they hav got more branes in their hearts than- they hav in their heds, and i ain't sorry for it neither. Mi private opinyun iz, that politeness haz won more sudden viktorys than logick haz. Mvli private opinyun ov molassis iz, that while it iz dreadful f sweet, it iz dreadful sticky too. Mi private opinyun ov dogs iz, that their affeckshun ought almost tew make them immortal. Mi private opinyun ov cats iz, that Judas Iskarriot ought tew hav owned the fust one, and the last one too. My private opinyun ov a mule iz, that he never waz known tew hit enny thing he kouldn't reach, but iz alwus reddy tew try it. Mi private opinyun ov miself iz that while i keep both ,eyes on mi nabor I hope they wont fail tew keep one eye on me. My private opinyun iz that here iz a good place tew halt, 'and i amn a big phool if i don't halt. A SUGGESTSHUN. . The morning paper iz just az necessary for an Amerikan az dew iz to the grass. Hot kakes arnd kaughlphy, kodphish bawls, and hash are use- I ful, but the morning paper iz vittles and drink . An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not more than haff edukated for that day; he goes tew hiz bizz- ness haff-donbtfanand haff-ashamed ov himself; he iz afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face, and ackts az ignorant az a man in a strange land who don't understand the language. Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, and when he goze home at nite he iz az silent and misterious tew the wife ov hiz buzzum az tho he had lost sumnthing. ON COURTING. '451 There iz lots ov pholks who git all their larning out ov the morning papers, and when they hav 2 collums ov it laid in they are az phatt with usephull knowledge az the sekretary ov a sowing sosiety. They go round az glib az a boy's windmill in a good breeze; they ain't afraid to button-hole ennybody and talk incessintly tew the boy on the korner while he shines up hiz shuze. The man who hain't red the morning paper, and the man who haz, are about alike uneazy tew encounter. The one who haint, iz az kross az a dog who haint got enny bone, and the other phellow iz az stiff in the back az the dog who haz got two. I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew go onst in a while away over on the other side ov the moun- tain, whare thare aint enny morning paper, and set down, and feel ignorant all day. It iz like turning an old boss out tew grass, and gitting the oats all out ov him. This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew forgit life, but iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a mania, and it iz quite az often the kase that what a man learns in this way to day, he phinds out tomorrow aint so. But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning paper. Red hot nuze iz just as necessary tew him-tew begin the day with az sider brandy fresh from the still iz to an old toper. ON COURTING. COURTING is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul. The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals. page: 452-453[View Page 452-453]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 452-453 452 , MSSELLANEOUS. ' Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering eaclh i. uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then- tha go slow. I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise,'and is jist as innersent as 2 mering lambs. Courting iz like strawherries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu git the flaver. Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square if yu don't sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it. Dont -court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit. i Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm-for the strength - ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a good wife and she don't git a good husthand, the fait won't be in the courting. Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent. . LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS. ] g EBENEZER SMTH haz sold out hiz tannrey at Pordunk hollow, and bout a house on 5th avenew. The lovely Bridget McGuire (nee chambermaid) will be "ATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS. 453 brought to the alter, sum time this seazon, by the brilliant Dennis O'Tool. Proffessor Norris haz just returned from the north pole, and reports the size ov the pole to be one foot in diameter at the base, and 94 feet hi. Hle also brought back with him a pair ov web footed duks. The Miss Simphonys, ov Providence, are on a visit tew the Miss S i n b a d s, ov . Lexington avenew- '-.h.. ' - lovely creatures all Mocking bir ds' tounges on toast will 2 T I . ot be on the bills ov 15 m -in E fare, this summler, atc ov the Kontinental Ho- tel, Long Branch. '/ " The Rev. Namby Pamby asked for a he 4 thousand dollar Ti hoist in his salary, a or dismissal. The congregashun voted unanimus to let him co. went. (Bully for the kongregashun.) Mrs. Ulrich Nikodemus haz changed the hour ov her re- sepshuns from haft past 2 o'klok P. M., on Wensdays, to a quarter of 3 on the same day, a change ov 15 minnits. Ex- change papers will pleaze coppy. Obadiah Bunkum sold hiz hameltonian pup Jerry, last week tew Richards, the jews harp solo, for 50 thousand dol- lars, reserving the collar. 'This iz spoken ov az so muteh ov a dekline in prices az tew shake the pup market tew its center. It it sed (but not offishalD that Mr. and Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the White Mountains this summer. Their dau- page: 454-455[View Page 454-455]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 454-455 454 MSSELLANEOUS. terj Betsy Punchinello, iz sed tew be affianced tew the Baron Von Chaulk, and the family will enter seklushun on this account. Dick Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibus on a 50 cent driver ov the 23 street line ov stages. Paul Burdok advertizes for a lost poodle ov the Sanco Pan- za breed, and offers 40 dollars " for hiz 'uncerimonious return." ("Uncerimonious return " iz kussid good.) Rum and tanzy, a popular gargle a hundred years ago, iz being revived among the hi toned cirkles. One man in Nu Jersey haz drove all the musketoze oph from a thousand akers ov land, and planted the whole ov the land with rum and tan- zy, in antisipashun ov the sharp rally in bitters that may be looked for. \ Jaw Bone Bill a selebrated brave ov the Ninkumpoop tribe ov injuns, on the June Bug river, Californy, waz lately bit apart bi a grizzly bear. Jaw Bone died pretty soon after the occashun, but the bear lived in grate agony for 4 daze, when deth put an end tew hiz sufferings, Miss Rosa Peachblow, ov Madison avenew sez she iz not affianced tew a prominent Wall street broker, and will giv 5 dollars or thareabouts tew find out who started the fancy sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.) G. W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for Josh Billings, -entitled "Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Henl Consolashun." (This iz a kussid no sich thing.--J. B.) The 6firkulashun ov the NEW YORIK WEEKLY haz allready reached three hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same old tune, "Excelsior." The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov "snob place," will hav a l1am1 bake, sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, "Goose Nook,2 to whitch the Van Doodles -are invited. (Doubtful.) Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a sucking colt, ov the Hambletonian breed, which lately follow- ed the mare one mile around the trak, in 2 minnits and 23 "ATEST NUZEPAPER TATLING. 455 seckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8 seckonds the best mile made yet by enny sucker. Report sez that the staunch widdow, Angeline Beeach nee Brown, nee Jones, nee Beckwith, nee Smith, nee McPherson, nee Miss Angeline Spraker-5 times a widder, will soon lead tew the alter Walter Roundout, Esq., (Good bye, Walter.) On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement. On ditto, that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a fail- ' ure, and that starvashun must foller. On dittimus, that Georg3 Washington Vinegar will spend sum time this year at the 5th avenew, hotel. New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the Union. It iz Stated that it kosts 13 hundred dollars tew civilize one injun, and then the injun- aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss on each injun tew the government, in money, about 1 thou- sand dollars; but, the moral results are sed tew be heavy. (Let the good work go on.) Mrs. William Hoboken haz had her clarence nuly painted. The nu color iz chestnut sorrel--the old color waz dapple grey. We are authorized tew state that Mrs. Alanthus haz just returned from the state ov Injunanny in full bloom, having resided thare one year, ackording tew law, and iz now reddy tew receive proposals. A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates "that thare haint been over 250 fleas killed since the flood." We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. and Mrs. Jibboom; their respektibility iz now fully establish- ed, they having appeared on the avenew with a 2 horse car- riage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band and sum yeller brass buttons. 8 The latest agony ill poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes. Matilda O'Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karac- ter, will receive proposals at her residence, in Albany streeta page: 456-457[View Page 456-457]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 456-457 456 MSS ETLLA NEOUS No objeckshuns tew going into the country for the sum- mrer az companyun tew a lady, provided suitable references are given! Lessons on the pianno will be accepted insted ov the usual presents expekted from the family. Enny one wishing tew adopt male or female children, kan hav their pik out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergur- son. All the children hav got thru teething, and hav had waccinashun. JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE. THE velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels placed consekutively, one wheel before the other, and the other wheel behnd the fust one. They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from east to west, and have already reached the shores of the Pacifick oshun. They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun. They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and in fifty years from now, will be the only means of lokomnoshun, known to mnan. The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle the question, in what manner they shall occupy them. Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy both sides ov the velosipead at once, or whether they shall remain on one side ov them at once, similar to the anshunt custom ov occupying the noble animal, the boss. It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the "wimmins' right committee," and that nothing, ov a one sided natur, should be allowed tew hinder a woman from fill- ing her destiny. I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair com- petishun between the two sexes, velosipeads, az well az med- isin,'and may the best man win. It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE; 457 the ladies divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance ov prices, and morals, which are now at work in the world, nobody but a darn phool, or a foggy, would object tew it--if we are ever to reach perfeckshun in this world, we hav all ov us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things. I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the volosipead, and find that it iz just az simple az bread and milk. The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumlocutory gravitations, ackting in conjunction with the simple law ov attraction, preserves the moshun ov the velosipead within its proper and natural revolushun. Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than this law in science; the philosophers are az well acquainted with it az they are with the 10 commandments, and perhaps better. There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am looking anxiously forward to, and that iz, to learn to stand still till you mount them. Nothing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into ov lying down on their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one of them standing still. I hav seen the nobel animal, the boss, when they wanted to git rid ov their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and- kick up their heels. This iz a trick which the velosipead haz stole from the boss without giving him credit for it. If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosi- pead iz purely a crank moshun, simular tew the grind stun, and iz produced the same way, that the scizzor grinder stirs up his masheen. I hav thought if the pioneer wheel of the velosipead could be made out of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, for sharpening razors, and carving knives, and thus bekum a means ov grace, az well az buty, but this would take the poe- try all out ov it, and degrade it down to the level ov useful- Ilness. If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set it to work at sumthing useful, it bekums inelegant to onst. page: 458-459[View Page 458-459]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 458-459 458 MSSELLANEOUS. The moshun ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov the leggs-or rather, the action ov the pedal extremetys, the word leggs iz altogether too obscene for every man to use, who ever expekts tew run for the legislatur, or be caught- in the sosiety ov refined people. This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who understands that " velosipeads " iz manufakterd out ov two forrin words, "veloss" and "pedoss," which vulgarily means "Iively leggs," but politely means, "pedal swiftness." If a man don't understand latin now a daze, he kant hardly enjoy the conversashun ov a hod carrier. The velosipead iz not a modern discovery; long before the days of Adam, and Eve, they waz in use. The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and history tells us ov a grate expert, one Ixion, who got onto the side ov one ov them, and traveled all over the Olympian country. I hav seen them miself with only one wheel to them, theze had two handles, which protruded out behind, and were pro- pelled by a shove moshun. Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are called " wheelbarrows," or sumthing that sounds like that. This is all i kno now about the velosipeads. THE RASE KOARSE. PGRATE rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-e ye watch, free for awl hosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses! Seeing the above, anounsenment, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov bosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good bosses. I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys. THE RASE KOARSE., 459 The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religns views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionalys abreast. The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a gentleman present, who ced he was a reporter for "The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the pop- JOHN BILLINGS DRIVES OUT TO THE RACES. lashun ov the place definitely waz, and ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tav- ern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, teMr onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mexed natur, i san- tered down tu where the rase koarse waz. page: 460-461[View Page 460-461]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 460-461 "O MSSELLANEOUS. THE TRACK. I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and - ov a sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart. THE HOSSES. Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov ailuther boss, about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick panty- loons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, a ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minis- ter," and then tha both laffed. t I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan.5" The uther hoss waz a red boss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz about 5 feet and a hIaf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz Juise Harp." FUST HEAT. The bosses both cuin up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time. The gra mare waz druv bi "Dave Larkin," and- the hoss was handled bi "Ligh- Turner." Tha trotted sublimely, az cluss az the Siamese twins; the mare with hel hed hi up and her noze full ov winde; the boss waz stretched oit tite, like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time, 2 minnits. Now the kontest becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and THE RASE KOARSE. 461 Ligh ' yelled--on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the boss gru longer-tha make the last turn tew onst-tha look like a dubble team--the exsitement grows more intensely-- the crowd sways to and fro-the ox cart trembles-tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chaw- ing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz ahed!- no, the boss iz abed! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox- kart-the boss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits laclking 2 seckunds. REMAREKS. The bosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children. Each party are sanguinary ov suckces. The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red, boss. At this junkture the gentleman, reporter for the Young man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the mare wud win the lnex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and. sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse. SECKUND HEAT., The bosses both sho signs ov distress. The gra tnare's ears hang down the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on the ground. Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and curen up agin tew the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. Awa tha go; the boss a leetle ahed. The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. On the bak stretch, "Dave " went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts.! and befour "Dave " cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke front the trak and trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash. The hoss cum in awl alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged on the ground, page: 462-463[View Page 462-463]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 462-463 "2 MSSELLANEOUS. Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits, "Juise Harp" winning, bi a quarter ov a mile. Thus ended the grate rase at "Sulphur Flats." I immejiately started on foot for "Jamaka Rum four corners," bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite deteryoate, the breed ov bosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun ov the kuntry in a fu dais. BTLLTNGS LEXTCON. BLUSH-The cream ov modesty. Ginger-pop-Gimnastik water. Man-Live dirt. - Friends-Books, paintings, and stuft birds. Bashfullnes--Ignorance afraid. Conservatism-- A bag with a hole to it. Radicalism-A hole with a bag to it. Aristocrat-A demokrat with hiz pockets filled.- Politicks-The apology ov plunder. Tin watch-Faith without works. Mule-A bad pun on a horce. Patience-Faith waiting for a nibble. Sparking-Picking buds oph from the bush. Malice-A blind mule kicking by guess. Eternal - God's epitaff. Care-Cat pizen. Faith-The soul riding anchor. Bliss-Happiness bileing over and running down both sides ov the pot. Marriage-An alter on whitch man lays hiz pockethook and woman her luv letters. Quack-A doktor whoze science lays in hiz bill Hash-A boarding-hous confidence game. Fuss-An old hen with one chicken. Twins-2 mutch, BILLINGS LEXICON. 463 Boarding-School-A place whare wry coffee and flirtashun iz taught. Experiment--Energy out ov a job. Perfection--God in man. Virtue- That ingredient whitch needs no foil, and without whitch nothing else iz valuabel. Solitude-A good place tew visit, but a poor place tew stay. Sloth-Life in a tomb. Health-A call loan. Memnory-The shadow that the soul casts. Politeness-Sixty day paper. Poverty--The only birthright that a man kant lose. Accidents--The dismay ov phools, the wize man's barome- ter. Ease--Discounted time. Wealth-Baggage at the risk ov the owner. Trials-Whetstuns. Fortune-The aggregate ov possibilitys; a goddess whom cowards count by stealth, but whom brave men take by storm. Economy-A fust mortgage on wealth. Enough--Jist a leetle more. Dignity-Wisdum in tights. Mischief--The maliss ov fun. Cook-One who manufakters appetights. Diseases--The whipping posts and branding irons ov lux- ur111'y. Drunkenness-Shame lost and shame found. Cowardice-Pluck on ice. Glutton-A man with a drunken appetight. Examples-Foot prints in the wilderness. Nunnery-Piety in chains. Ignorance-Raw happiness. Sin--A natral distemper, for which virtew haz bin discover- ed-to be an antidote. Friendship--One ov love's pimps. page: 464-465[View Page 464-465]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 464-465 "4 . MSSELLANEOUS. Envy--A disease original with Cain, but which hiz brother Abel afterward caught, and died suddenly ov. Belle-A female boss ov the situation. Fancy--The flirtashun ov truth. Saicasm--An undertaker in tears. Sulks-Deff and dum madness. Courting-A hugg and kiss match, generally a drawn game. Fiction--A lie with holiday clothes on. Hen-A lay member. Law-The shackels ov liberty. Science-The literature ov truth. Deceit-A ded wasp with a live tail. Babys-7Dividend. Miser-A wretch who haz dug out hiz heart tew sto away hiz munny in. Misfortunes--A band ov vagrants, who liv on what they kan steal. Spirituolist-A curb stone broker, who sells exchange on Ben Franklin & Co. Inhleritance-Second-hand goods, other people's leavings. Ironclads-Vessels ov wrath. Grave Yard-A small patch ov land, cultivated by the dead, lieing between time and eternity. Lap Dogs-A nucleus-for affeckshun out ov a job. Society-Burning on an alter natral rights, and then sacred- ly watching over the ashes. - Jealousy -Self love. Stingyness-The bran ov economy. Buck Saw-An instrument ov torture. Bragadocio-One who pulls hiz own courage by the noze. Anxiety-Milking a kicking heifer with one hand, and holding her by the tail with the other. Swearing-The metalic currency ov loafers. Judicious Benevolence-The brains ov the heart. Blue Jay-The fop ov the forest. Policy-"Honesty iz the best policy," but policy iz not alwus the best honesty. OWLY. 465 Bachelor-The -hero ov a cot bedstead. Club Houses-Whare the hen-pecked gotew sware, and smooth out their feathers. Lie-The cowardice ov truth. Skunk--An athletick animal, stronger than an elephant. OWLY. lERE we have a batch of immaculate truths from the nLA "Owl Club." After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and approved, each "Owl," as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook out his feathers, and story-telling commenced, the President leading off as usual. (" 1 never can hear of a man's gitting his head broke," said the President, " but I call to mind the wonderful accident that occured at Austin, Texas, twenty years ago. "A man was thrown from his horse, while riding at full speed into town, and striking against the sharp edge of a pot- ash kettle, which lay beside the road, his head was split down to his collar-bone, each half hanging over his shoulders like a pair ov epaulettes. '"This man was taken up for dead, but recovered, by skill- ful treatment, and vWas elected county -judge afterward on the strength of this accident." "A very good story, and undoubtedly true," said theVice- President "Owl," " but I don't think it quite so miraculous as the different escapes that Joe French, a friend of mine, a clerk on one of the Mississippi steamboats, has passed safely through. "His last adventure was on the high-pressure steamer Hur- ricane. "As she was passing Natches, on a down trip, she blew;up, and filled the air with every kind of fragments. "-Joe was sent up about two hundred and fifty feet, and 30t page: 466-467[View Page 466-467]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 466-467 "6 MSSELLANEOUS. there being a strong wind at the time, he was -carried over onto the center of the city, and fell through the roof of a jewelry store. "After passing down through three stories of the building, he struck on his feet, by the side of the proprietor of the con- cern, who demanded five hundred dollars for the damages done to his building. said he, done all my power to sustain the honor of the profession I took all the money,' satid At this point, one of the "Owls," ore notedfor hs gravi- anty thand fifty, and begged to be often settledfor tids 5rice before.'" heard, Bully for Joel TalkingaboutFrench saidtone of tihe "Owls." "But let me tell you a little story about an attorneyby the name of G e r s h' Buckley, who prac- tic ed law a t Burlington, Iowa, a few years ago. "Gersh had a case, in the O ount3 a cot, -which he lost, and in settling with his client was charged by the other attorney with-taking less than the customary fees.' "Gersh plead quietly to the charge. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, ' I done all in mypower to s9,tstain the honor of the Izrofessior, I took all the money the man had h" At this point, one of the "Owls," more noted for his gravi- ty than any of the rest, mounted his perch, and begged to be heard, as follotws' "Talking about steamboats reminds me of a circumstance which occurred on the lower Mississippi, in the year 1840. I had been down to New Orleans and was on my return, having OWLY,. :467 taken passage on the fast side-wheel steamer, Fanny Birch. "Twenty-five miles up the river we overtook the Memphis Belle, an opposition boat, just leaving a woodyard. Rosin and pine was soon the order ov exercises, and both boats were quickly side by side in a close-contested race. "Suddenly word was passed along the boat, 'Man over- board!' "The captain, rushing aft, inquired of the clerk if the man had paid his passage. ' Yes!' shouted the clerk. " "' Then go ahead- on h'e, engiieer!' was the captain's or- der." "Owl " number five plumed 'his feathers and opened his short but silvery-toned beak, as follows: "Out in Nevada, during a race week, a rider was thrown from a horse and taken up insensible. As he lay on a stretch- er near the judges' stand many wagers were made among the sporting fraternity present, upon his death or recovery. "A surgeon present proposed to bleed the boy, but the gamblers interposed, for, they said, it would seriously afftet the fairness of the bets." "I don't believe that story,", said "Owl"A Number Six; "but here is one which has been in our family for over forty years, and we all know it to be true: "An old gentleman-who, -by the way, was almost entire- ly deaf, had brought a seit against one of his neighbors, claim- ing certain damages. The case was one which the justice thought ought not to go to a jury, but should be settled be- tween the parties. He therefore instructed the attorney do ask the old gentleman what he would take to settle the suit. The lawyer, putting his mouth near the deaf man's ear, said, in a loud tone: "' The court wants to know what you will take.' "Turning his eye blandly toward the judge's bench, the old gentleman replied: "' Thank the squire for me, and tell him I will take a leetle Santy Cruise rum without sugar." page: 468-469[View Page 468-469]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 468-469 "8 MSSELLANEOUS. "Owl"Number Seven, looking uncommon wise, got off the following: "Two shad fishermen got into a dispute lately about a fish net, which they both laid claim to, and, as the war of words was reaching its hight, a son of one of the beligerents com- ing upon the scene, cried out to his venerable parent: "Old man, don't let him git the start of you-call him a thief and a liarJirst."' "That puts me in mind," said the next "Owl," of a story, not at all similar, but more funny I think, than the one we have just listened to. , : "Over in Jersey, an honest old Dutchman, who followed gardening for a living, had been to the neighboring town to do a little trading at the stores, and having taken his wife with him, both ov them got unco tight. "On their way home the old woman fell, out of the wagon, as they were crossing a salt meadow, and was not missed un- till the old gent reached home. The neighbors going back to search for the missing wife, found her stuck fast in the mud of the marsh, and talking in a maudlin manner, -to the rising tide which had risen'up, and just began to play about her lips. ' Not another drop, hot, nor cold-; not another drop, will I take.'" OWLET.* PORI)DUNK VTTTAGE. STRANGER hav yu ever been to Pordunk Village, my natiff place It iz a dear little lulaby ov a place, sleeping between two small mountains, in the State of Pennsylvania. It kontains about 1000 souls now, and is watered by goose crik, whitch meanders thru the village az crooked and az lazy az a skool boy, on hiz way tew the distrikt skool hous. I waz born here, and the ground on whitch the old hous stood, iz thare yet. Mi ancesters are all here too, but they PORDUNK VILLAGE. 469 hav retired from bizzness, and are taking their eaze, in the old grave, yard ov the little one story church. The red painted tavern, whare years ago, the townsfolks gathered in, on Saturday nights, to wet their whistles, and brag on their bush beans, and other gardin sass, iz gone, and departed. And Roger Williams, where iz he? Roger waz the village blacksmith, and could out argy the parson, on a bit ov skripture, hiz anvil /l' .' /A iz still, and he now '// ;!", ,! livs in his new house, with the rest of the X 1\, Watkins the justiss tfO 4 of the peace? he knu \RP T^Ro \ I o sHx law, and the stattews, I\ z,8,J; m E s, just az eazy az he did , A the 10 commands, hiz now no more. No one ov hiz name iz left, he and Roger the blacksmith, lay side by side, just back ov the little onestory church, az still az deth kan make them. Sue Dunham, the crazy woman, I don't see her! Poor Sue, she waz not alwus welkum, but no one turned her away, a night's lodgeing no one refused, she was even butiful still, when i waz a boy, but i shrunk from the flash ov her misteri- ous eye. The old folks knu her story, it waz that sad one, so often told, and so soon forgotten, a mans perfidy. Sue Dunham raves no more, but in the farther korner, just page: 470-471[View Page 470-471]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 470-471 470 MSSELLANEOUS. bak ov the little one story church, whare the ded lay the thikest, lays Sue. A weep in willow, sown bi aksident, hangs over her grave, and on her hed stone, theze words, almost knawed away bi time, kan be made out, "Sue Dunham, aged 59." Parson Powell, who led hiz flok bi the side ov still waters who wet with hallowed drops at christnings, who jined in WedIok, and who asked God to take the departing ones, I miss him too; peacefully he sleeps, just bak ov the little one story church. Deakon Tucker, who sold sugar bi the pound, and mollassis bi the pint, who delt in whale ile, and bar sope, who kept raizen- and razor- straps, who could mezzure a yard ov kotton, ov kaliko, tew a thred, and who, 4th ov Julys, sold 3 fire krackers, tew us boys, for a penny, wlhat haz bekum ov the deakon? Years ago, he fled, not far away, but cluss up tew the back wall ov the little one story church, near to Parson Powell. An odd phellow waz Ez Farnham, and withal az keen at a trade az a hornet, Them that swopped bosses with Ez once, didn't hanker tew do it again, he waz honest, .but oh! how fatal tew dicker. No one now, in the whole village re- member him, he haz gone whare they don't giv, nor git boot, they put him in the halfaker, just bak ov the little one story church. Job Pierson iz ded too, and so is Job's wife, and all ov Job's sons, and dauters. I go up, and I go down, the good old village of Pordunk, the people all stare at me, az i stop here and stop thare, to say tew miself, " here it waz that Lige Turner, threw Dave Larkins, 40 years ago, in a wrassle on the village green, and thare stood the old town pump." "Here old Beverly, the barber, shaved for three cents a shave, and thare, Burbanks haff soled boots for a quarter," , "Here-let me see! was it here? Yes Old Mother Benne- way sold taffy here, each stick at least 8 inches long, and wnade out of Deakon Tuckers best Porto Rico molassis." PORDUNK VILLAGE. 471 4, Thare stood the little red skool hous, right thare, it waz the forks ov a road then, it is the korner of a block now. "Who kan tell me whare Daniel Purdy the skool master lives now, no one! I hav asked a dozen, but no one remem- ber Daniel Purdy. "It iz a sad thing tew be a skoolmaster, no one ever seems tew kno whare they go when yu miss them. They just seem to depart that's all. I never knu one tew die, and be buried." Ah, it iz pleasant!--it is sad, to go bak tew the village of Pordunk, thare is more people how thare, than there waz when i waz a boy, but how different are they,-or how dif- ferent amn I. The old trees are the same, man kant alter them, goose krik runs jist whare it did, with willows in all ov its elbows, the mountains each side haven't grown enny smaller, the birds sing the same songs, but i don't kno enny one that i meet, and what is more lonesome, no one that i meet knows me. When i go tew Pordunk, and want tew see enny boddy that I remember, i go down the main street to the fust kor- ner, just whare Joel Parker once lived, then i turn tew the left, and keep on for a ways, till i cum tew the little one story church. Just bak ov that they are all living now. They don't remember me when i go thare, but I remember them. It won't be very long now before I shall jine them. page: 472 (Illustration) [View Page 472 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 472 (Illustration) 4 LETTERS. 'Mister Brown.-In haste, dear sur, I repli tew yure letter thusly: Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between the teeth, blowed on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. The musik which they yield is balmy, but looses much of its melloness unless played upon bi a bull frog. I hav list- ened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp, and wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi soul like a sister ov charity out ova job. I hav a yung female bull frog now in mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite' bully for one ov her sex. Sum people must hav opera musik or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid Jews harp, tickled bi the yung and impashioned bull frog. If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, issue proposals for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every bull frog on mi farm to instrumental musik. Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the pensiv murmers ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov the trombone, or the pig like laffing ov the fife, or the jigger ov the banjo and the bones. I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, and look forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to the time when bull frogs will set .under every vine and fig tree, tickling the buzzom ov a Jews harp. If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont kare if i dont never hear a hand orgin agin. 4" page: -473[View Page -473]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -473 D g - I 4 LETTERS. 473 Mister Bates.-The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted cheeze, and the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch them the oftenest, and hang onto them the most. It aint al- ways a sure thing tew ketch a rat bi the tail, i hav knew them tew bight oph their tail, just outside ov the jaws ov the trap, and thus save their rat meat. X az Bob tailed rats h aor oi ceased tew be a curi-s a osit to tne sng ago i Once i should hav looked upon a bob- v tailed rat with m ingled ke phaelings ov pitty, . and suprise, but them daze hay fled from i me, i look upon a bob- tailed rat now, as ae cluss bizzness tran- sackshun. "' Rats are one ov the 4 LETTERS far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the wildernes, and i wouldn't if i waz they. Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i lay in mi bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov night, it iz one ov mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chawing holes throu the base boards, and playing tag in thewainscote. Rats are very prolifick, one pair ov assorted rats, will keep a phamily in rats for years. Rats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but what they will eat, and them phew things are locked up. Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am told bi missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China. I shouldn't wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav al- wus accustomed miself to plain vittles. page: 474-475[View Page 474-475]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 474-475 474 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. ister Barnes.-Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles. Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than al- most enny other breed ov food. For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & eggs, 3 baked potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap jacks, 2 cups of coffy, and sum hash iz good. I like to eat hash this way better than enny other. Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash. If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 20, or 30 years ago, more or less, were born on hash. I hav seen hash miself, that i had mi doubts about, but i et it, and still liv. I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi rule, i watch the landlady, and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate. This makes me very popular at all the boarding houses which I attend. If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, and not git stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and now and then a fine tootlh comb, that want more than half worn out, into their hash, hash would stand to day, at the head of all mux food. Mister Bartlett.-Ov all the animals who waz brought akrost the waters, into this country, by that grate improver ov the breed ov kattle Noah, i consider the cow the most respektable. A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family. I dont kno ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a brindle cow, that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk that aint watered. It iz unkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint watered now daze, thare iz a grate difference in cows about this. It iz sed the cowcumber derives its name from the cow, but whether this iz so, or not, i kant find out. Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch. The cowcumber cums under the hed ov gardin sass, and they gro on a running vine, and the vine kan beat every vine running, for 100 yards, in Amerika, after it gits started. JOSH SETTLES UP. 475 They are a little balky about starting. I hav known a cowcumber vine to run 15 foot in one night, besides giving birth to 7 young cowcumbers on the way. Kowcumbers kut up into thin slices, and rooled in peper, and psalt, and soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain in the hebdominal region. A cowcumber iz about the only thing that i kan remember ov now, that iz good for nothing, after it reacles perfektshun. Mister Boggs.-Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov yure dog, reached me by yesterdav's male. I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been deprived ov a dog once miself. I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March three years ago. I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house. He probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else. He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown ofl from a clothes line, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold. He waz a bul pup, but iz no more. Tiger waz hiz fust name. I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog. Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to leak. Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wantstoomutch watching, to be invested in dorgs. JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HS CORRESPONDENTS SUMMARILY. "Philander."--If yu borrow ov the Devil, yu must keep yure eye peeled wide open, for the Devil always takes a nmort- gage, and seldum takes one, that he fails tew foreclose. "Plato."--Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that i kan most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man's moral kokernutt, by hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, for men are quite apt tew dam in others, what they hav got the most ov themselfs, and praze what they have got the least ov. page: 476-477[View Page 476-477]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 476-477 476 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. "Pindar."--The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty, and the next strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fashion. The strongest sentiment in man iz money, and the next strongest iz 10 per cent. -for the use ov it. "Philli,."--If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer,- the bible tells us that heaven must be taken with hard knocks. "Pan."-Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men who hunt for it the most find it the least. "Powell."--Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but it iz the richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels. "Posthoy."-Marrying for munny, iz much like falling out ov a third story winder, if yu happen tew make a good strike, it iz a fust-rate excuse for never trying it again. "Peacock."-Yu will find in yure journey through this vale ov tears and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soal. with anguish, and dissapointments bitter:--thare iz one, thing partickularly apt tew go back ov a yung man, whoze buz- zum iz trieing tew bust with hope, and that iz-hiz mustash. "Pilot."-A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and not be verry wize, after awl; jist az he may hav a heap ov strength, and not know the best holts. "Pilgarlick."-Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony sarsage. Here iz the best, and only way: Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about one feet in wideness, (git a lively eel if possibeD; skin the eel length- ways from hed to foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized gutty perchy, and equal parts ov mering wool; seazon with Scotch snuff and asserfedity, hang it up bi the -tail in a Duch grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the trade marks; it iz then awl reddy for use, and kan be cut up into right lengths, and sold for police clubs. This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold medal at the Paris imposition. "Pharaoh."--It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy. "Pedro."--Before yu buy the boss yu speak ov, look him A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. 4:" over cluss, but don't examin him much afterward, for fear yu may cum across sumthing that yu are looking after. This iz a good rule tew foiler when yu take a wife. "Pontoon."-The principal art in flying a kite iz tew git the tail the right heft; tew match tail to things iz jist what haz spilte a whole parcel ov clever kites. ' Palmer."--Early impreshions are like the dews on the young flowers, soon dried off, but what the fragrance iz made of. "Pinchback." -Don't beleave more than half that yu hear, rumor haz got rising ov 600 toungs, and can lie faster with each one of them than Dexter can trot to an anatomy waggon. "Palmer."--In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i am happy tew state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i waz born in -the old-fashioned way in the old ov the moon, am long, but crooked, don't beleaf in speerits (not even Ja- maka speerits;) am married, or waz twenty years ago, and hav every reazon to beleave that I am now; hav never raized enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew git out ov repair; hav turned mi attenshion tew girl children; hav two ov that specie, one ov whom iz now boarding with a yung feller; mi hair iz black, and quite tall behind; i wear a mustash, and number 10 pegged boots; hav a sangunary temperament, and a billyus noze; eat az other folks do, except roasted gooze; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi weaknesses, I kan eat two ov them, and then take a little more ov that are goose; I work for mi bread and roast goose ; hav a grey eye, and am alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog-this iz me. I forgot to state tlrat I waz brought up by a Presbeterian Church in Massachusetts, and am a good job. A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. EAR BRIGHAM:- Excuse this peripatetick letter. I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature, page: 478-479[View Page 478-479]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 478-479 478 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. and write letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew be kind in all harness. If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn't seem tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn't tell whare he waz last night till haff past two this Morning, and 15 who couldn't recognize hiz own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness furhim- self, at 16 years old, with a kapital ov two that resembled the mold G us berer heese, I wopatld markitet." . badame thus far in frame - ingp and down in fronture timber, but yun iz now, tl'at i xlkan bet them pattent DIDN'T KNOW HS WASuERWOetN. leather boots YUA got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter yu hay got tew begin agin, and weed outyure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and. underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook ynre briar patch, and fix yure farm for a krop ov-sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought; tew market." This iz the Way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he didn't begin, in ten minnitts, few take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me, and, aekt yung rooster up and down in front ov mie; mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet luther oph than he waz. A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. 479 It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny compass. This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger daze, tew make * ' , phools ov themselfs. - I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler "amen " before the prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their lite- ning. I don't want enny body's boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze; a colporter of water gruel; a putty babe- ling; a kurl-papered .nnssery doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows, afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten. I ain't voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virgin- ity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew plant. There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose; even before he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word " go," and nothing else, and if he takes a noshun tew go tew the devil-who cares? But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inherit- ance ov a camphene boy, i don't kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own rnaster, or the master ov hiz daddy. I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn't page: 480-481[View Page 480-481]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 480-481 480 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. ketch, who hav dodged him suckcessfully for the whole ov- their lives, but i kan tell you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviv- ing the small pox, it may make yu proff agin sum more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents. Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be per- sonal, they wouldn't fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without tieing. SHORT REPLYS. DEAR ALICE.-I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the other. I dont kno "Yankee doodle " from "Now I lay me on the grass," or "Mary had an infant sheep." I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it. I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are kareful. I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg. I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some mother's catch, or simple lulaby. But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks. I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them. Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure let- ter, for i don't kno enny more about klassikal musik than i do about being a mother-in-law. Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend. I understand, all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together. It dont seem tew require enny branes tew hlv ice kream, and idont kno az it duz tew luv musik. * " * * * SHORT REPLYS. 481 Pensive Rebeikker.-I got yure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow. I am only sorry on the other phellow's ackount,. for yure deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry him. It don't hurt my pheelings tew be called a " pokey dunce.' I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and often think i am what yu kall me, a " strapping monster." Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before. Artless Jane.-In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tfew hav him. Theze things are all regulated by the law-ov supply and demand. If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand. I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, a little ov it goes a good ways. Too mutch kissing is like mnolassis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain vittles. But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff. Pretty?uth.-- Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure pheelings, and fled. This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kourting iz did in a kareless way. Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi: lo jak. If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt teu swing and ketch it. Yu shouldn't-let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand. We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it. 3" page: 482-483[View Page 482-483]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 482-483 482 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that H am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too. The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce. The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the' duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot. Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers. Gay Betsey.-Mi opinyuri ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day. But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell, without spileing the effekt. It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry. I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks. They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength. They are also called "bivalves " bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism. The true name iz " good-bye valves," a term of affeckshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff shell. If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum. Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper. A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods., *!. WIMMNS RIGHTS. 483 M I DEAR MSS JEMMA JOSEPHNE JENKINS: I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew impart mi influence tew prokure for yu the privilege (and sun- IEETNG wnX p^ AK FR PciiIDEH. M!SS Cl\NCIR. rA9ENf\^ALE \ dry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew vote, and hav offis, and do the same things that men do. I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should be happy to floor miself, and all mi energys at yure feet, in enny cauze that i thought waz for your happiness and final suckcess. page: 484-485[View Page 484-485]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 484-485 484 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan own me at enny moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter. I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews. If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman's care and influence, at a time when i want worth saving. Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do. But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious tew commit, but thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes. She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz a going on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard -^ what the result waz. Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure grip entirely. When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu there will be a bigger muss in the family. Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and what assurance hav yu tew offer that yu are going tew vote right? Yu hav more sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity anda heap -more stubborness. Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judge- I ment or influenced bi others. If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu propose? I hav never saw yure platform. Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and whiskers, and, club rooms, and trotting bosses, and pitching cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ov male iniquity, but what are yu going tu voterfor? WIMMNS RIGHTS. 485 Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jury,- and dispoze ov them or else yu will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be yure best style?- eight men and four wimmin locked up in a jury room all night together, on bred and water, with yure husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the verdik is a going. Yu will hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll taxes, or, if yu are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the road, alongside ov sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing wretch, who will take grate pains tew chaw, and sware, tew show hiz superiorite tew Su. Yu will hav tew vote ag(in all riots, and reserexkshuns, and tlhus put an end tew thetn, or else when thare iz an irish riot, to kill oph the surpluss niggers, yu will hAv tew cum out armed with surnthing, if nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just az like az not iooze yure best waterfall in the mussness, jist think hlow billyous this will be. Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how kan yu run the United States government, if yu are kept patching pantaloons all the time? Yu will hav tew vote agin enny mnore human beings making their appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, while yu are down tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt- a fa- vourite constabel, yure husband kant do it enny how, unless yu hav him rekonstrukted. Suppoze yu git elekted tew congress from yure distrikt, every woman in the country, who haz got a husband thare, will be on hand tew watch how things are a going, and yu will be acused ov transgreshuns, that never entered yure hed, or hart. Suppoze yu had a vote to day, dew yu know of enny woman on arth, that yu would vote for, i mean, unmarried woman, like yureself? Miss Jemima, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these things in mi mind, the more i think yu had better turn yure attenshun towards harvesting a good husthand, and making his house the envy ov the naberhood, bi the gentle, and page: 486-487[View Page 486-487]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 486-487 486 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so lavishy loaned tew yu, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin conven- shuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a set of longhaired, male hybrids, who haven't got enny repu. tashun tew spare, and who will cheat yu out ov what yu hav got. If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an ernest defender, one who beleaves that yure sex holds the ballance oy power now, one who looks upon a mother (who ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one who looks upon a sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a daughter az the gift of God, one who looks upon a wife with awl the pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a phel- ler, in battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the pathway ov a womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am yure man. : But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the hour which sees yure sex, in this country, voters, will see the eazy and rapid dissolushun ov the only barrier we hlave, between the coarse instinkts ov man, and the sakred safety ov the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav been ordained the vestal keepers. Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz !! strong, it cums from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn't mean what i say i should hav bin az sweet az a courtier, i should hav torked about the gorgeous mission of woman, the exalted career that might be opened for her in walks yet untrod, and, other rhapsodys in the key bugle style, but i kno the power that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, thoze silken threads, whoze power iz invisible. In summing up, if i kilo ennytling about human natur all that "Wmrnn's rights " means, iz, more power, and enny woman who would exchange a single article, in the "I magna- karta " which she now iz empress ov, for the whole ov the byelaws, constitushun, and power sought for, in the ranting programme ov a "wimmins right convenshun," would be swapping an intrinsick bower, for an emaskulated privilege. DOG TALK. 487 "Barney"--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants' Union Express, last evening, and gave Mim a quart ov milk for hiz tea. He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff. He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, alfho it iz now 10 O'clock this morning. I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats. He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in. He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy's toe-to hiz shoe. He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I'll bet. Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder. He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in. He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went. He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and the boy seems tew know lim, and they hav gone round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing. He don't seenm tew cum back! It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew curn back. My wife iz glad ov it. I am out 2, vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier. My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst. Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimm'in that don't make enny statements unless- they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier. "F'red."--Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a parteej git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arin, but yu haint got no rite tu put vure arm around her waste, unless yu page: 488-489[View Page 488-489]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 488-489 488 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take' yure -arm away, just' az soon az the Bear kits safely by. "Snyder"-- 'Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had origin- 'vnallystaid tare. Ratsare mgrators, They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the Pisen small ov their whole moralhe -%' back.- They kan be domestikated dreadful e az , thate is, as farh as gitting in cup- I serpose thboard is btwn 5s, and eat- ing cheese( and serpe thare is knawing pinecessary rat in the whole lot. This concerned. \,owsat a glacThe best way ew do bymacinestikate them that ever Isaw, is a ew slrround them gently, w ith a -steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate ad- vantage. Rat ssare migratorios, th ey migrately withoure ever they h a mind to. Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs. Cats hate ratse and rats hate cats and-who don't rn I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance howmennywasteratsthareis. Ratsenhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One -pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start tim rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph. Sk'jent-We never furnish ottografts in less quantity than CORRESPONDENCE. 459 bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amnuzing. We fur- nished a ,near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse. Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal;. i hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers: "Dear Sur : Yu may be a darn phule, but yn are no poeck. Yures, in haste." Matty--It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course. Mirakle :-Yu sa " yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner." I dont serpose that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse. ORANGE, New Jersey. DEAl Mr. : I hav pulled oph the har- ness and thru it carlessly on the ground, and turned myself out to grass for the season, and thare ain't no salt nor oats that kan ketch me; i like mni pasture, and kan understand page: 490-491[View Page 490-491]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 490-491 "O ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. now perfecktly eazy the Wisdum ov good old ebul;udnezzer. Neb, good old soul, had bin kept up a long time on high feed, had lost hiz hanker for pepper in hiz vittles, and like a horce, longed for green lots and still waters. That iz just what ailed me, but now i am in clover, and am snuffing the mountain's breath, and am kicking up mi heels, from ten to fifteen perpendiklar every time ennything skares me. Don't tell eilnyboddy whare i am; i haint got no ad- dress; mi name aint Billings; Billings haz fled the United States in a hurry; he haz gone to Alaska; i am out tew grass rniself, and amrvery kickful, but you, dear Friend might u cum and look over the fence into the lot whare i aIm, withl impudence, but it would be hily catastrophus for'ennyboddy else. Orange iz a sweet place. The orange blossoms fill the air just now with a nektrous baptism. The onions are already up, and lettuce iz a dead sure thing. Thare iz a mountain here-a real live mountain-none of yure thumps; but a mountain, all along whoze sides and on top ov whose back are menny villas ov buty, arkitekltrally pretty, and fronted and sided withl shaven lawn, and shaded with different evergreens, which loom up grateful and cool az big mint julips in dogg daze. I am tickled to death with Orange, and want tew liv here 200 years, and smell the blossoms, and witness the garden sass strut. This iz a very old town, and iz certainly the queen city ov Nu Jersee. It smiles along the valley at the feet ov the mountain, for at least four miles, and natur hlaz done the fair tiling for it. Look-outs are plenty, and rapid little rivulets cum romping down the mountain sides, and unwinde them- selfs gracefully across and down the valley. It iz a place ov residence only, and iz filled with New Yorkers, who, like miself, cum out here tew spend a portion ov our vast inkulmns and graze. Thare iz a repitition, awl over the town, ov sharp and lean CORRESPONDENCE. 491 spires sticking upwards from very nice churches, and Sunday here iz Sunday on the square. Thare iz no hoss-racing, no dorg engagements, nor rum smelling here on Sunday. All iz peace, and the streets, at the propper hour, are filled with calm and grateful faces churchward. I love this, and altho i hav az keen a noze for rollicking fun az enny one, when Sunday cums, i do luv to see evry nan and hiz wife, with clean collar on, and crazy for a church. The soil iz a tan-colored loam, and iz perfecktly kind and safe for vegetables, and each house haz almost a farm for a garden. Thare iz no sickness here, the two doktors pitch cents in front ov their offices for bizzness, and for amuzement, sell pi- plant around the village. Milk iz only six cents -a quart here, and let a bowl ov it stand still over night, and the next morning the kream ov it iz az thick az a roze blankett. What do yu think ov that, dear Fellow. Everyboddy keeps a hlorce, and carriage, here including me, mine iz a female one, and iz compozed v a mild little phaton, with a morsel for a boss, which mi wife and daughter let me ride in once in a while when i am good. Orange iz 17 miles from nu York, more or less-less, i belieave, and i wish it waz 42 thousand, for i don't never want tew go back, i would like tew own the whole place, and then giv it away to the folks who liv here now, and all ov us be so happy. The Morriss and Essex Railrode iz situated here, and don't seem tew do enny other bizzness but run trains all the time to the citty, and street-kars will take yu to Newark, four miles, evry 20 minits, whether yu want to go or not. Dear Fellow, sell out yure paper, let 250 thousand sub- skribers thank you for the good yu hav done them, and yu move out here with your household gods and goddesses, and gaze with me and hear the cat-birds sing in the willows, this will be fun and glory on the half shell. page: 492-493[View Page 492-493]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 492-493 "2 , ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. I am much satisfied with the negroes that i meet here, they are in original packages; they don't pretend tew be suln- thing else, i kant help but love a kontented darkey, thare iz so mutch philosophy in being black, persekuted and happy. Orange iz the only place in Nu Jersee that musketoze kant liv in, and enjoy themselves. Last seazon, (i am told by the Sharp Brothers, livery men,) that two musketoze made their appearance here, but vWie notified immediately by the authoritys to leave, for they didn't want enny vagrants, the musketoze hung around for three or four days, and not finding any boddy to associate with, left for Morristown. This shows how orderly evry thing iz kept here. I hope to gracious that they will be just az strikt this year, for if thare iz enny thing on earth that i am aktually afraid ov, it iz a musketoze. I think that i had rather be bit by an elephant than by a musketoze. One bite from an elephant iz all that enny man wants, but one bite from a musketoze iz only an agravashun. Remember me freely to every boddy in the offiss, and tell them all to do their duty, from the Editor-in-chief down to the devil, for the eyes ov the world are upon them. Yures, in big grass, JosII BILLINGS. WHEELING, VA. I lectured here last nite on "Milk," and the aujience seemed tew relish the liquor. Wheeling iz the capital of West Virginia, and iz lokated on the south side ov the Ohio river; 95 miles belo Pittsburgh, and a trifle over thirty-five hundred miles west ov London and Liverpool. It iz a very orderly town. I saw no one murdered during my stay. CORRESPONDENCE. 493 They hav a mayor, and some common council-'very worthy men I am told, which sounds funny enuff to a New Yorker; who have learned to look upon a few months in States Prison az a necessary polish for the municipal board. Dogs are very plenty here, and so, are fleas; and what struck me as very funnly, the dogs carry the fleas around on their backs. Mules are also very thick here; i counted eight yesterday strung onto one wagging, driven bi a venerable and mature darkey, and drawing about a ton, not a load to excite the marvel and indignashun ov our humane Bergh. Mules in Wheeling seem to hav lost their ambishun, or left it at hom. Their ears all lop like corn that iz ripe, and reddy to pluck from the stalk, and they don't pay any more attenshun tew the flies than an empty sugar hogshead duz. I think theze eight mules must have had six quarts ov flies on them (i didn't count them), all stuck fast, and it waz- only now and then that a mule waved hiz tail. I don't kno whether this inattenshun tew the flies waz owing to the pashunce or philosophy ov the mules; or to the fakt (not generally known) that the mule can't hear. A mule. kan kick further than he kan hear. Sum ov the least edukated ov the naturalists, will be inklined to doubt this assurshun'ov mine, that the mule iz deff, but i will bet enny ov them 10 dollars ov it, and put the money in Chief Justiss Chase's hands. After i hav won the money, Chase may give it to sum deserving charity, sich for instance az the " wimmins' rights committee," or Bergh's " cruel animal orginashun." I don't believe in winning a bet, unless you lay out the money imIni- jiately in morals, or fust klass benevolence. Wheeling haz a bizziness look to its countenance; the wharfs are stuck full ov steamboats, and prosperity walks round the town with hiz hands stuck deep into hiz pockets, whistling that benign and limber old tune, "iDan iel Tocker haz arriven." I waz partickularly struck with the buty or the young . page: 494-495[View Page 494-495]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 494-495 "4 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. ladlys here, so much so that mi wife differed entirely with me, and declared she couldn't see it. Mi wife iz a woman ov unerring judgement, but she kant bear tew hav me brag on other females ; she calls it " wasting mi tallents, which hav bin entrusted to me for other and better purposes." The late ackt ov emansipashun haz thrown a vast lot ov negros out of employment in Wheeling; they don't seem tew hav enny thing to do, only tew belong tew themself, which iz the hardest kind ov work for the poor phellows. The negro must be elevated or destroyed; not elevated by the hair o v the head, for that iz too short a holt, but bi learn- ing him tew work for himself. Enny man who haz learned tew work for himself iz three- quarters elevated. Mi wife (and me) leave here to-morrow for Cincinnati. (It may not be generally known, but i state it here, once for all, that mi wife iz the principal woman in our family.) It done mi heart good to hear a little phellow with a huge bundle ov papers under hiz arm crying out the NEW YORE WEEKLY for sale; hiz voice rung out on the frosty air like the challenge ov a game rooster. I bought one, and waz pleazed to see how admirably well the paper looks. Wheeling will long linger around the portals ov mi heart. I hav had no pull backs since i entered-the city; everything haz slipped az easy az a boy's sled, and i shall leave to-mor- i row with a tear in mi eye, and 90 dollars in mi pocket, the net receipt ov mi lectur. Thare iz a grate deal ov phun, dear Friend, in delivering i comick lekturs, espeshily if the lekturs are phunny, but it takes a man of grate strength tew write a comik lektur. lie hlaz got tew be az strong az Sampson. Mi lectur on Natral Iistory iz not near as phunny az i : could make it if i only knew how. But i am learning sumthing new every day, and in a few years from now i expekt to improve. SHORT, BUT SWEET. 495 I spell a grate deal better this year than i did last; mi friends all notis it. SHORT, BUT SWEET. Richard.-Yu done wisely tew ask me questions in 2Vatral history. I am perfektly at hum amung beasts, burds, and * fishes. I kan tell whi the flea bights, whi the bull bellers, and whi the rinosseross hasn't got but one tusk, and that on the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography ov all theze kritters, from do inhabit the genialUnited States at large; the e-ay liv in ter and p ar about the siv cock-v a moderate mule b the eephant, kik with the mule Thare aint nothig tat hiz trun or kiks for a livingd the lion, who hain't goar, Fourth eovny trunk at all. inches o powder You'ask me about the zebra. The ze- bra iz a striped hoss, , the wildesst thingin natral history ov hiz size, and az hard tew -civilize az- the hyena, and az use- less, when civilized, az the osstritch or the rattlesnaik. They don't inhabit the United States at large; they may liv in Kanda, if they hav a mind to--i never hav been thare tew diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but they kant kik with the mule. Thare ain't nothing that kiks for phun or kiks for a living that kan outkik a mule, except it iz an old-fashioned, Continental, revolushionary war, Fourth ov July musket. Put about 3 and a baff inches ov powder page: 496-497[View Page 496-497]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 496-497 "6 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. into one ov theze old vetrans of 1776, ram it down heavy, and lay it on a stump,: and tutch it oph with a slo match, and I had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the rear ov it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and crossest ov theze muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go Hear them, whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for enny thing else. They are like all other wild animals-fleet only for a short distance; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew them, just az it iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun that an injun kan understand. Caroline. .-Yu ask me. whi i dont write sweet, and senti- mental, and luvly things. I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor. I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances. When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov vagrant. If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it. I make no pretentious tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i don't kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drum- udary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glitter- ing cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at. Beqnamin.-Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed a praktikhal farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer. The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for apples, hunts stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve the flavor ov mutton, by a kross ov the -hidraulik ram on the south-down, splits the duks feet, so they kan stand a fair chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch, combs hiz- roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and shaves SHORT, BUT SWEET. 497 hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wear greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for clover, piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, and throws away the feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and plants oats, a pek in a place, and runs a grind stun, and two pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov a pattent kon- trivance to hiz cows tails in fli time. Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a prak- tikal farmer, he iz only a genius in liusbandry a hundred years ahed ov the time. I haven't mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now science and theory, and book larning will have so changed agrikultur that every time a hen laze an egg, they won't in- dulge in the silly kackel they do now, but will sing sum lively air, and the old rooster will dance tew the musik in front ov the nest. Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have ,waited so long for it, we might az well hang on now till it cumrns. Prudence.-I received yure kind letter yesterday, and must admit that i kant answer yure question. I don't kno w!vat a Dolly Varden iz. I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an im- mense sight of clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov their backs, but whether this iz a Dolly Varden, or knot, I dont kno, and darsent ask. I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it thare. I hav waded in the ensiklopedio, and lo! it aint thare. I have asked all mi bacheler friends, and they blush, and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow and Harry Bassett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am mar; ried too) and they say "a us," and pass on in a grate hurry, and I begin tew guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got up expressly to Bear the market. Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what, a Dolly Varden iz, and I aint a going tew try to find out enny more nuther, for I am satisfied, from what I hav found out about it allready, that it iz none ov mi bizzness. 321 page: 498-499[View Page 498-499]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 498-499 "8- ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS PicayWne.-The sucker iz not a game phish, the very name indicates that. They won't bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams, into the country. They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch their breth in it., They are az tasteless az a mering potatoe, and az for general intelligence; are jist about on a par, with a korn kob. They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az mutch sport in it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, by moonlite, with a three-tined fork. HEoward.-Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents karefully weighed, and I find that they don't weigh heavy. In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole haz not bin found out yet. Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the butt, and the kind ov fowls that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov wood on which it iz bilt, and the amount ov kindling wood it would undoubtedly make, well split up, and its universal history will appear in the Spice Box collum, just az soon az the Pole iz got. In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be polite tew your ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall's guide tew health, and shun all grass-widders. Caroline.-Yu ask us, "Which iz worth the most tew a woman, buty, or modesty." For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, for the sake ov the interest, we rekomend modesty. Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat kakes, aint good kold, nor warmed up nex day. We konsider buty one ov the best kollatterals that a woman kan possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she aint no better off than she would be with a life insurance policy, which was forfeited for the non-payment of premiums. Buty alone wont wear well, and thare iz a grate deal of it now daze that wout wash at all and keep its color, JOSH REPLIES. 499 JOSH REPLIES. A Thomas."-- Jordan is a hard road to travel,f i kant tell you who was the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cus probably, who waz too lazy to keep a hoss and waggon, or else a hotel darkey carryin' trunks all day. ; \\ , 8s "Ferdand"--i'Ma ll 1 wants but little here IT l'il i belo, nor wants that little long," iz a libel, i man wants evrything i wn I he kan see, or hear ov, on I i p man who iz thoroughly i more and couldn't do it. The older oan o i grows, the m ore want- A HARD ROAD TO TRAiBBnE. ful he bekums, and az hiz hold on life slalkens, hiz pinch on a dollar grows grippy. "Herod."-He that puts a small value on hiz services issues proposals tew the lowest bidder. When yu make a request ov divine Providence, it iz best to be modest, if yu expekt to git what you ask for, but there is so little modesty in the world, between menu that when we cum acrost its We mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will often see little boys Sketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but you don't see them ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in the hornet's tail iz what makes him respektable. wMiller."-Yu hav got it right the fust time, Ingratitude iz one ov them crimes that evry boddy sticks up their noze page: 500 (Illustration) [View Page 500 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 500 (Illustration) 500' ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. at, it is the worst insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man drop down belo the level ov the dum brutes, for the yellow- est, and meanest dog in the United States wags hiz tail, if yu throw him but a burnt crust. What an awful thought it iz, that ingratitude iz the common sin against God. "Mcatilda."-Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babys are learnt it instead, ov the alphabet, but they dont understand the strong points in it, yet they seem tew luv it without know- ing why, this iz a bricky argument that kissing iz one ov naturs most natural noshuns. I kant tell yu whether thare is enny pertikular etiket to be observed in administrating a kiss or not. Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to kiss and hang on, but it strikes me that the best way iz tew cum up frunt face, in single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives the patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a kiss lies in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two pretty big words, but worth the munny. I haven't dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an ama- teur natur,) ov late years, and there may be sum new dodge, that i aint posted in, but the old-fashioned, 25 year ago kind, i remember fresh, that kind didn't hav enny mathematicks in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion. Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew by- standers, and iz sumtines even looked upon, by a third party, az 'uncalled-for. "WTarwick."--"He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew the Lord," if yu had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu wouldn't hav asked me if Shakespeare wrote this remark. Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az it iz a duty, and lend- ing to the Lord, iz undoubted security, for enny man's munny. He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, and hiz estate iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal az the crows settle a ded hoss, by pitching into the -remains. Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but whoze extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 cent piece, by the time it reaches the end ov their fingers. "I Gi/ad."--Yure juicy letter haz questions enufftew make A LOVING COUPLE. Deakon Fairweather visits New York to answer a matrimonial advertiselnent-- -hi it O b + -'hiz wife hears of it, and goze fur him. ' (500). page: -501[View Page -501]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -501 6v l r; - , . \ JOSH AND THE COMMTTE MAN. 501 a distrikt-school-master faint, and if i should answer them all, yu would be fuller ov edukashun than an aulhnanak. Who the author ov the saying, "the good die yung," waz, i don't care, but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, the yunger a man kan die the better; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded sure thing. Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan live, that depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv over Sunday with me. "Abel."-Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny more than yu kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently like an old musket, laid away up garret, hav often bin known, tew let oph a charge, that had been sleeping, with one eye open, for 3 years. They are like silver-plated forks, wear well for a long time, but are sure to show the odious brass at last. "Hannibal.^-t- Giving presents, with the hope of receiving presents in return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or receiving, it is like swopping skimn-milk, for milk that has bin skimd. "Mercury."--" Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness," waz the private opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his soul, and the God who made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like solitude, and luv tew see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a hoss thief. JOSI AND THE COMMTTTE MAN. DEAR SPRAGUE:-New York, Broadway 497. Yure letter is in front of me, asking if i kan lektur for yure literary associashun ear long. page: 502-503[View Page 502-503]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 502-503 5U0 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. In reply i don't hesitate tew say that i can do her up brown. Set yure time and i will be thar, or demoralize miself in the effort. I hav but one lektur mixed up, and i kaul that Milk. This lektur is a frisky one, and made out ov different col- oured things, like Joe's coat. I don't have enny thing tew aktually say about milk in this lektur, it was thought best tew call it sumthing after it was huddled together, and i picked out the stillist name i could find. Sum very talented lekturers depend upon the title of their diskourse for a boost, but this is like trieing tew make a grate futer man or boy by calling him Jeems Buchanan. I am not a thoroughly edikated man, and don't kno enny thing about bell letters, but what little i do kno i hope i am certin ov. I got my edukashun as a coon dog duz his, by follering the track, and tho i haint got enny elegance in the orashun line I don't bark up the wrong tree but seldum. I take hold ov things by the butt end, and if i kant raise them at that holt i leave them for the next fellow. As i sed before, i haint got but one lektur, and this holds awl the gimnastiks that i am boss ov. There is several comik lekturers afloat, who kno how to write a new lektur every 90 days, which is better than the old one waz, but they never suffered with the dispepsy as i hav, or they couldn't do it. Thare aint but one hour and a haff ov comic ile in me, and that wants greasing towards the end. - I don't advise enny body tew employ me tew do their lek- tring who have laid in their stock ov informashun thus far, by reading novels, for thare aint no silver mounted hero in mi tale, nor heroine with crazy hair and alabaster buzzum. I go for humin natur and things az they am, and prefer tew deal with the experience ov my audiences, rather than with their imaginashuns and simpathys. JOSH AND THE COMMTTE MAN. 503 This is the auger that-i want to bore with, and if i fail it is bekauze i am more sincere than capable. I hope you will forgive me for talking go mutch about mi- self, but your letter seems tew demand that I shall bare my brest before you, and give; you my cube root. This lektur ov mine is intended tew be ov a moral disposi- shun, but it may fail as an acktiff poultiss, for their is no attempt tew be delikate at the expense ov truth; vice and folly are not flattered, and the fun, if thare is enny in it, is not immorality in ambush. What the community think ov me, Mr. Sprauge, as a lek- turer, i kant tell you, i never asked them, they are good judges, and for that very reason are not in a hurry tew giv their opinyun. I must say one thing for the publick, they hav alwus treated me kindly, but whether it is the result ov pitty or respect, yer must ask them, i haint got the time. One ov the best ways for yure associashun tew git at my tal- low, is to try me; i don't advise you to send for me expek- ting tew see mirakles did; the days of miracles are in dry dock, and a comik lecturer's assets are like a cirkus bill, 4 times as much in the bills as thare is in the performance. Thare is one thing perhaps it is mi duty tew state, without being asked, and that is, i am probably the most ornary looking and ackting man that ever trod on yure lektur boards. Thare waz a large family ov us at our house, and it was im- possible for us tew be butiful, and i grew so freely when i waz yung that i got a lurch into me, which not only makes me look crooked but makes me feel so. It is unpleasant tew speak ov these things to a stranger, but they are ov such a natur that they kant be hid. As it regards mi age, i kant see ov what akount that iz tew yure literary associashun; if the .lektur iz poor, i am either too young or too old for the bizzness. It givs me a good deal ov happiness tew state posatiffly that i am marrid az much az enny man i kno ov, and wouldn't sell out my chance for 100 cents on the dollar, on akount ov the diffikulty ov reinvestment. page: 504-505[View Page 504-505]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 504-505 504 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS., i My family consists ov four-three females and one man- K and the man is konsidered the poorest one in the lot: Nothing now seems tew remain tew be told, in answering , your modest appeal, but tew state that the price ov mi lektur ! on "Milk " is ninety dollars and forty cents, and if i throw offi the ninety dollars-it is all that can be asked ov me-i must invariably hav the forty cents, for i pay awl of mi own ex- g penses, and hav got three wimmin to support, and if yu kno enny thing about wimmin, they are one of the luxurys and kant be owned for nothing. : After reading this letter over three or four times, sloly, minding the commas and the semicolons, yure literary asso- ciashun cum to the konklusion that they don't want me, it aint likely that they will see me. I forgot, in the hurry of the moment, tew state that mi fust v name is Joshua, not "Josh "-it is only written short tew save ink. JosHi BILLINGS. : H ARD. Road.-Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, send X it tu "' Wilkes Spirit," a paper that knows how tu talk I will merely suggess, that pedigree iz not important for a fast trotting boss; if he kan trot fast, never mind the pedi- gree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men, even, who haint got no pedigree. Thare aint mutch art in driving a trotting boss, jist hold - them bak hard, and holler them ahead hard, thats awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshila, if the ! 'bridling brakes. Kuller is no kriterion. I hav- seen awful mean horses, ov awl kullers, excep green, i never cee a mean one ov this kuller. Hosses liv tew an honorabil old age, and i hav often seen them, that apeared fully prepared for deth. HORSES. 505 Heathins are alwus kind tew bosses; it iz only among chris- tian people, that a hoss haz tew trot 3 mile heats, in- a hot da, for $25,000 in kounterfit munny. "Benzine."-Men who hav a grate deal to do with hosses, seem tew demoralize faster than the hosses do. Horses are like dice, and kards, altho they are virteuous enuff themselfs, how natral it iz tew gambol with them. Hosses luv the society ov man, and being susceptable ov grate deceit, they will learn a man how to cheat and lie before. he knows it. I know lots ov folks who are real pins, and who are honest . enuff tew work up into united estate assessors, and hav sum good-sized moral chunks left over, but when they cum tew page: 506-507[View Page 506-507]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 506-507 506 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. tork hoss, they want az mutch look after az a case ov dipthery. "Benvolio."--In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, " verbatus ad liberating," from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the 16th sentry. The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without cuming tew a head. He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few daze, hiz tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a disposition tew head out. In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in his life, begins tew git his head abuv water. His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and looking at the dinner baskets ov the chil- dren on their way tew the distrikt skoolhous. Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and enters the water, head fust, without opening the door. Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be 21, and then his life iz more ramified. Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an oyster. I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his hon- est dets and' took the daily papers. I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's. Their hind legs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't pay for eating. A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not git tired. CORRESPONDENCE. 507 The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on, over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than half what he sez; heiz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over warts. This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up solid. BOSTONr, 18-i Boston is the kapital of Mass', the salt of the earth, and the kradle and rocking boss of the live Yankee. It is a city of immense spondulicks, grate attempts/ vast viktories, and tremenjuous learning. The inevitable skool marm, the kamphene agitator, the war- like debater, all curm red-hot from Boston. I am playkarded to lektur here to-night at Musik Hall, but how i shall succeed the Lord only knows, for i, a man of no learning, a very poor speller, and devoid of impudense, and got to face poets and skollars, historyans and sages, besides lots of wimmin, who hav got mo edukashun in one minnit than Nebudkenezzer had after 999-years of toil and sweat. I shall probably make a fizzle of it, but i have one conso- lashun to cheer me, it won't be mi fust fizzle. Fust fizzles are what try a phellow; if he kan manage one- of them, and not all leak out, there is hope fur him, and also a slight sprinkling of salvashun. What i hav saw of Boston suits me. The people are as gentle as lambs, and know a stranger the minnitt they git their eye on him. Noboddy here is in too mutch of a hurry to be civil. If yu hav lost yure hotel the fust man you meet will waste'2 hours telling yu of the different crooks yu must take to reach it, and page: 508-509[View Page 508-509]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 508-509 508 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. finally konklude the safest way to tell yu how to git thare is to drop every thing and go with yu. Boston is the ezyest place tew git lost in (with all its moral- ity) that i hav ever tried. You kan git lost and not kno it till a hour afterward. Thare don't seem tew be enny streets that run parralell. They all seem tew run whare they pleze, and every street has got at least one end to it, that brings up in sumboddy's door- yard. To learn Boston one should be born here, or at least serve an apprentisship here for 40 or 50 years. Boston is principally selebrated (just now) for its grate tem- peranse question. Whiskee is as aktual skase here, as hare on the .bed of mi cane. I haven't dared to ask the question, for fear of being arrest- ed, but i don't surpose, as near as i kan judge, that thare is a square drink of corn whiskee, within six miles of the city of Boston, for sale, or to -let. What on earth the people liv on, for drink, is a mystery to me. Virtew, and morality, are the two staple krops of Boston. This afternoon i am going to be invited out to ride, on the mill damn, a piece of fast road, near the city, which is built in a straight line, to avoid the unworthy appearance of a trot- ting track. Bunker hill is not fur oph, and i am teazed to stay over tomorrow and visit it, but i hlave alus made it a rule, the quicker i kan leave a town, afteri hav spoke one of mi lekturs, and got my money for it, the more pleazant it iz for my friends to entertain me. Plimouth rok is likewise sumware in these ajacent parts, i would like teu go and stan on it-the man who kan stan on Plimoth rok, and not puff up sum, is a stony kuss. Such a man probably never had ennyfourfathers, nor enny soul, nor enny gizzard, nor enny fewter prospects in him. I spent two hours, just after breakfast in the common, which is an uncommon fine piece of veritable land, inhabited with grand elms, and lit up, by day, with happy children. COMMUNIKASHUNS. 509 If i had a boy, that i wanted teu elevate, in the way he should go, the most, i wouldn't undertake the job miself, but i would take oph his halter, and turn him out loose, in the city of Boston. It has been sed, by one of her historians, " that a man once born in Boston don't hav tew be born agin." If this is really so, it is a great saving. Relicks are verry cheap just now in Boston. i was offered a hemlok board, 10 feet long, 8 inches wide, and an inch in depth, taken in one piece from the grate Colyseum, for the miserable pittance of $2.50. It was dorg sassage cheap, but it was two dollars more money than i had, and more hemlok board than i stood in need of. Brains is the chief artikle of consumption in Boston, al- moste everything else is neglekted, and tho' this is a sublime idear, the consequents is, that a grate deal of natral genius is neglekted, and the city is a leetle over-stocked with morbid taylors and languid mantu-makers. Thare is one thing that i love and respekt Boston for--she lets her dead sleep in old graveyards, all about the city. I konsider a man's bones a fust mortgage on land, that no process but the summons of Gabriel's horn kan remove. COMMUNIKASHUNS. IWEET NmsANE:--In yure letter ov last Friday yu ask e me what church i belong to? I waz original a Presbeterian old school, but like menny others, i hav changed mi takticks. 1 belong to another church now. I didn't change bekauze i had enny doubts in the matter, but i thought the religion waz wearing on me. It iz very natral for a man az he gets older tew studdy hiz eaze, and change a trotting hoss for a pacer. page: 510-511[View Page 510-511]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 510-511 510 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. I don't hesitate to say that the old-fashioned Presbeterian trotter iz a safe and sure one, but a leetle too jolty. Iam riding a pacer now. They tell me that the pacer will take me to the end ov the journey just az safe, with less wear and tare. I hope they don't lie about this. I want tew git through all right. I must say that the pacer iz a leetle kareless and stumbles onst in a while, but they tell me to hang onto the pummel ov the saddle and i as luxury.} won'tgithove. My ansesstors all r o d e Presbeterian / hard trotters, and set ahosswell. "onesty, religion My advice tew all nu beginners iz to - commense on a trot- ting hoss, and when ,gz they git well-seazon- ed it will do to try I b ae e ef you begin on a pacer, before yu git to the end ov the road, yu will want /N sumthing that rides DEAi FRAUD:-The bedbugg iz a cosmopolitan cuss. He iz kommon tew all countrys that thaw out. Greenland iz the only country whare they are konsidered a luxury. Everything that is hard tew git and eazy tew looze, iz a luxury. Honesty, religion and money, at interest, are amung the luxurys. Tite boots are eazy tew git, and therefore are not a luxury. COMMUNIKASHUNS. 5" Bad kolds are not amung the luxurys, but yellow mice and red crows are. The bed bugg iz bilt in a circle, and hiz mouth reaches klear around the edge of hiz boddy. This enables them tew bite their food just az well in one place az -another without turning around. It iz just az handy for a bed bugg tew bite, az it iz for a red hot kole ov fire to burn. The bed bugg iz a very eazy animal tew cultivate, in fakt, if yu will only giv ,them house rent free, they will kultivate themnselfs. ; Two bed buggs will produce in one year four thousand 3 hundred and two bed-bugs, besides laying twelve hundred and 36 eggs for the next year's krop. They are az prolifick az the meazles. For a large yield and a quick return, there ain't no stock investment'that kan beat bed-buggs. The only trouble iz, that thare iz so menny folks in the bizzness now, that the supply haz killed the demand. A healthy competishun iz the soul of trade, but mankind, when they see their phellow kritter doing well in enny enterprize, aint happy until they rush into the same bizz- ness. Twas ever thus. I don't look upon raising bed-buggs for a living, or just for phun, az absolutely necessary, but it iz better than raizing the devil. Copious Fool.-I received yure long and windy letter about 5 minnits ago, and will answer it without reading it. Yure whole letter seems tew be devoted to asking ques- tions about mi ansesstors. Az near az i kan rekolekt now, mi ansesstors were in the ark with Noah, and had a private state-room, just forward ov the wheel-house. Az a general thing, ansesstors are not the most profitable topick to brag on, unless yu go back az far az the ark. All the genuine aristokratick stok thare iz in the world, at the date of this letter, cum from the ark. page: 512-513[View Page 512-513]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 512-513 512 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Behomath Billings iz the only one ov my pristines that i ,t always feel like betting on. He waz the anther of "Hi, low, jack and the game," in all its purity. He waz also the arkitekt ov that wonderful saying, which translated, reads thus: " the grate strength ov all games, iz tew hold the best kards, and then play them right.", The Billings family owe all their suckcess in life, since the ark, to their good holts. When a Billings gits a good holt, you never see them let- ting go to spit on their hands. There iz good monkey sense in this. You never see a monkey let go when he iz on the klimb. Cheerful Beat.-In yure valuable letter of -Ocktober 9, yu ask me if thare iz enny openings now in Nu York for a yung man ov temprate habits. In repli i am forced tew state that Nu York iz phull ov openings for yung men, menny ov whitch have but one ori- fice tew them and that iz whare yu go in. If yu are gitting reliable hash 3 times a day and hav yure washing and mending done yu had better pause in the coun- try whare yu are. Yu say you kan turn yure hand tew almost ennything; if this iz so the country iz just the best place for you, and the city just the worst. A man who succeeds in Nu York iz one who haz got a speciality ov sum kind. If a jack ov all trades cums tew Nu York, he stands just about az mutch chance az a man would in fiteing a swarm ov bees with a pitchfork. Every bee haz got one sting and he knows just how tew handle it. But if you hav a red-hot speciality here iz the place for I don't kare what the speciality iz, if it iz nothing more than pitching cents, if yu kan just beat enny man in the world at this game cum on, and i will warrant yu a job. I CORRESPONDENCE. 513 If yu are known whare yu live az a yung man ov a grate deal ov purity ov karakter, and but little snap to yu, mi parental advice to yu would be tew stay right whare yu are and liv on yure reputashun. Poverty in the country iz no joke, but the wealth and ex- travaganse ov a large city iz a continual and merciless insult to it. ! ' PITSBURGH, PA., 18- EDITORS OF NEW YORE WEEKLY -Yu may be surprised to hear from me at this place, but thare iz no radikal cauze for alarm. I am here on a peaceful mission, having bin invited by the grand army of martys, to read mi lektur on sum natral his- tory. This lektur ov natral history, is a plaintive biography, in E wich i treat the bugs, beasts, beastesses, and little fishes, as tho we had bin life long acquaintances. I warrent this lektur for 90 days. I stopped at the Monongahela House, and entered mi name as correspondent of the NEW YORK WEEKLY, and this won me the most obsequious attenshuns from the proprietors, who hung around me, and talked, asking me all about the size of New York, and if thare was enny other papers published thare, besides the NEW YORK WEEKLY. This was one of the proudest questions i ever had asked me in mi natral life, it done mi heart good to know that the WEEKLY was held in such venerashun so far from home. Pittsburgh is lokated on the land side of the Ohio river, and kontains a populashun fully equal to its size. To a stranger, the bizzness done here, would seem tew be all smoke, but it is really one of the most manafaktring places in Amerika. The principal krop raized here, out of the ground, is kole. The atmosphere is compozed of oxigin, and kole dust, which 33: page: 514-515[View Page 514-515]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 514-515 514 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. gives the face ov natur, and man, and lovely woman, a bru- nette look. The best stiddy bizzness for a nu begginner to go into here, iz the clothes washing bizzness, a common paper collar haz tew be washed four times a day, and even then shows signs of oph colour. Pitsburgh is selebrated for the wealth and refinement of its inhabitants, and the buty ov its wimmin sex. I saw more pretty sex here, in 20 minnitts, than i ever did before in the whole ov mi eventful life. If i was an inconsolable widdower, i should at once move to Pitsburgh and commence married life agin. Yesterday i saw mi first stern wheel steambote. I thought for sum time that it was a stationary saw mill, in the middle of the river, but after a while discovered what a condem phool i was. If i was a going tew liv my life over agin (which i hav not yet decided to do,) i should like to hatch out a nu lektur on natral history, and read it for the fist time in Pitsburgh. I hav done a good deal of lektring for the last tew years (more perhaps than has been helthy for mi final salvashun), but i never lektured at an aujience, in mi life, whare the whole conglomerated mass seemed to look upon me as their best friend, so mutch as they did last night. I really thought i was in a kamp meeting, and had struk sumn sudden ile. Sum shouted, and sum cried, and sum seized themnselfs bi the hair of their heds, and if i hadn't hav bin a well ballanced man (which i attribit to parting mi hair so much in the middle of mi bed) I should hav been hove from mi usual center, and bin gilty of sum onesidedness, which might hav passed for affektashun. Thare is only one kritter that affektashun iz handy and bekuming to, and she iz a kat. I hav known a kat tew klean the kream all oph from the buzzum of a pan of milk, and then limp into the setting-room, on all four leggs, and lay down in the korner of the fire-place, CORRESPONDENCE. 515 so melankolly, as tho she hadn't a friend on the face of the earth. I never knu a kat to do a square thing yet. I leave here in the morning for Wheeling to read mi lektur surnamed "Milk." ; From Wheeling i wheel to Boston, the kapital of Massa- chewsetts, and the literary -amphitheater of Amerika. The world certainly wags, for Wendal Phillips, the grate negro-man-sir, kan deliver a lektur in Charleston, South Caro- liny, now without loseing his life, and other things dear to him, and even Josh Billings, the unearthly speller, kan explain at tremont temple, in Boston, the ruling pashuns of the law. less cockroach, and the wandering habits of the wandering flea, without being find 10 dollars for dislokating one of the pet ordinances of the city. Truly the world duz move, not only on its axes, but on its hinges, and doors are being opened that were supposed tew be locked and the key hove away forever. I begin tew think that the lion and the lam may sum time hereafter lay down together and rize seperately. But i wouldn't advise the lam to be in a grate hurry to try the experiment, for the lion kaa afford to wait. Good-by, Dear Weekly, for a few days. MANCHESTER, N. H., 18-. -TEAR Mr. Editor. I read mi liquid lektur on "J Milk"' at this place last night, for the benefit ov-the Billings' family. I had 12 hundred and fifty-five souls present to hear me, provided everyboddy present had a soul; and i haven't enny doubt but they had. I never waz more tickled in mi life, but whether the souls waz, it don't becum me tew state. The souls pounded on the floor, and smote their hands page: 516-517[View Page 516-517]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 516-517 516 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. together ockasionally, but this mite hav bin bekause the souls ov their feet and hands wor kold. Manchester iz a manufaktring town; but what they" manu- fakter i cant tell, but i guess money, bi the fine bildings and comfortable folks i saw. I saw several houses and lots thare that i would swop mi lektur on "Milk 9 for, and throw in a gallon or two to boot. Nu Hampshire must be a healthy state tew praktiss life in, if what a man, at the tavern whare i negoshiated for mi hash, told me, is all true. He told me he knu ov sevral townships ov land in the state whare deth never entered. He sed the inhabitants az they grew very old, puckered up, and had a fashion ov renewing their age bi soaking themselfs out. I am dredful easy tew beleave a story, but i had to go to mi room, and set down, and nuss this story for two hours before i could git it quite. Thare iz sum men who kant never tell the simple truth without making a botch job ov it, and i think, just as likely az not, this man waz ov this natur. If this story iz true sumboddy ought to git them townships pattented. But, after all, thare iz one thing i hav notised in examin- ing old age, them folks who liv tew be mutch over two hun- dred years old seem tew git lonesum; but thare iz one thing they aint apt tew hav, and that iz the jumping teeth ake. It is sumthing to outlive the tooth-ake. Manchester kan boast ov one thing, and that iz, the buty ov her children. i dont kno whether this, iz the effekt ov the buty ov the klimate or the effekt ov the good-looking parents which I observed. I go from here to Amherst, Mass., a place where edukashun iz taught to yung men in the prime ov life. Edukashun iz a good thing, but it should be mixt with other things sum. I hav seen a little good common sense put with it before now to grate advantage. i CORRESPONDENCE. 51 But it iz as hard tew git it just right az it iz tew git the right quantity ov stuffing in a waterfall. I never had more than haff edukashun enuff, and i hav saw others who waz blest with twice too mutch. I Edukashun sumtimes clogs bizzness, for when a person feels az tho they was obliged tew spend three or foutr-ours, explaining the scientifick natur ov saw dust before they kan git the buck saw tew work, i hav alwus notised they didn't saw mutch wood, espeshily if it waz a hot day. From Amherst i go to Northhampton, one ov the most aged and most butiful towns in Nu England. Mount Holyoke and Mount Thomas are not fur oph from Northhampton. Thare iz one thing about a mountain that i alwus did like, thare aint no man kan make one. Thare aint no counterfit mountains. I shall be glad, Dear , when i git through lektring, and git ritch, like you, and sit down flatt under mi own vine and fig tree, and drink wine and eat figs. I alwus thought i should like wine and figs for a stiddy nourishment. Yesterday i cum' within an inch uv. buying a nu foundland pupp, only four months old last Christmass. The man only asked 75 dollars for him, (just the price ov one ov mi lekturs tew a cent,) and worked upon mi pheelings bi telling me the pupp waz an orphan child, hiz father and mother both having been stolen or run away. I thought afterwards, if i had bought that pup, and paid 25 dollars tew have him put threw tew Nu York, and then hired hiz board fur 7 or 8 months, and paid one or two fines fur not keeping: hiz, mouth shut up with a muzzle, and then been sewed fur damages a few times fur letting him bite sumboddy's only yung one, and finally had him stole ockasionally, and got him safely back bi paying 15 dollars reward each time and no questions asked, and -at last had him acksidently pizoned by striknine, it would be just mi cussed page: 518-519[View Page 518-519]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 518-519 518 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. I am glad i didn't buy the pupp, fur now i just begin tew remember i never waz lucky in dogs. It iz a good deal ov a trick tew kno how tew own a pupp well. A pupp well brought up iz an ornament tew sosiety, but one that iz obliged tew fetch himself up is a doubtful blessing. JOSH BTLLTNGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HATR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN." Dear .Doktor Hirsute :-I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader," also a bottle ov yure Salvashun Bitters," bi express, for which, I express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov pur- swader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time. I tried a little ov it on an old counter brash in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az a bosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov the " purswader" got onto the hair ov the cat's tale. When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one CORRESPONDENCE. 519 more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses I sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wunside ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, b. away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale. 1 wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her. In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write page: 520-521[View Page 520-521]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 520-521 520 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it. Dear Dokter, the fact iz, " sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grate- ness hove upon them." Doctor, you are awl 3-ov these men, in one. Yu are a kind ov vegitable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry. It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your "Salvashun Bitters " a " vegatabel tonicks," although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks. The people must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peo- pel will luv you. Thare is nothing the Christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are all these without whiskee. Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a man up. Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az "Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl drug- gists, far and near. Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent truss men, how] out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis. P. S. -Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Sal- vashun Bitters," let it by awl meanls be in the rutes, dont lower the basis, Yures quietly, JOSH ]BILLIGS. I JOSHUA STILL COMMUNICATIVE. 521 JOSHUA STILL COMMUNICATIVE. SOUTH BEND, INDIANA, Jan. 17, 18-. MY DEAREST : This place iz situated, for the present, in the State of Indiana, on the once classik waters ov the Saint Joseph, at the point whare the river takes a southern lurch, forming a bad crook in herself, and this crook, gives tew the town the name ov "South Bend." It iz darn funny, ain't it? The city, like awl others ov its size, kontains a grate num- ber, and variety, ov souls, how menny i don't know, but if i wanted tew make a good guess, I should say 50 thousand, more or less. This may be a high estimate, but it ain't noboddy's' bizz- ness if it iz; the estimate iz mine, if folks don't like it, let them estimate for theirselfs, this iz a free country thank the Lord, and estimating iz an Amerikan's dearest privilege, and strongest point. I arrove here last night, by the politeness ov the Michigan Southern Rail Road, from Flint, at which place i last spoke tew a dove-tailed house, yu could not hav got another soul into the hall, not with the meat on, evry inch was sandwiched, and no man ever stood looking into more bravery and beauty than I did. But i waz ashamed ov miself, i had been mean enough tew invest in a kold the day before, which squatted on -mi bron- kial glandorials, and made me az hoarse az the last day ov a kamp meetin,g my voice waz a mixtur of the male trombone, and the horse fiddle, and sounded like a small sized jackass, trieing tew bray in the morning, before he had took his whisky. In mi' efforts, i swet (perspired) like an African under oath, but the aujence, (the dear aujence) sot calm, and even waz po- lite enufftew applaud me, while i vainly tried to read mi lektur on "Milk." This iz what I kall the milk ov human kindness, tew set still, and play that yu are pleazed with the speaker, if i should page: 522-523[View Page 522-523]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 522-523 522 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. live tew be az old az the rings on a rackcoons tail, i shall keep right on remembering the citizens of Flint, and thare wives, and think how kindly thay sot, and took " milk," that was curdled with a kold. This place iz the home ov Skuyler Colfax, one ov mi best friends, i sent my autograph tew his domicil, but lie want in, had just stepped out to Washington, on sum little matter ov bizzness, how sorry he will be not tew have saw me. Next tew miself, Schuyler Colfax iz my man, for the next President, and if either one ov us git it, the country will hav the joy ov knowing that an honest man holds the ribbons. But unfortunately for me, and skill, too, honesty, in a kon- test for the presidency, iz ov no more use than it iz in a horse race, and about the only salvashun thare iz now for an honest man, iz tew be kalled a milk sop, who haint got the gaul tew steal. If a man iz honest now daze and can't help it, he wants tew manage hiz honesty, az a dog duz a bone, go and bury it, down at the lower end ov the garden, and growl like thun- der, whenever he sees another dorg in that naberhood. The time will cum, in the politikal history ov this country, when an honest man will be looked upon az a saint, but it will be too late then, evry avenew tew power will be guard- ed, az the Elyseum fields ov the heathens were, with several, and sore headed. dogs, whoze bizzness will be tew tare intrud- ers into small chunks. I look upon a Republikan form ov government az i dew upon the form ov the fust gal i loved, far in the distance, but with a kind ov holy sadness; it is my dream ov buty, but it iz like human natur, which iz az diffikult tew manage, as a kase ov the dipthery. , Republiks will last, and dew well, as long az they are hon- est and simple, but when they begin to lie, and live on turtle soup, their jig is thru. Enny form ov government, that relys upon the chastity ov human hearts, iz az uncertain az the garden ov Eden waz; but no true sailor will leave the wheel, or desert the ship . , - l I ; THE DAVENPORT LETTER. 523 he haz taken passage in, az long az thare is a plank that will float. But mi opinyuns on theze things are a good deal like a last year's almanak. This iz tni last night on lektring, except one, previous tew going home tew my family bosom; i have had more fun out ov it than mi aujences hav, I guess; i hav made a fortune, or about 14 hundred dollars; this will pay oph the but end ov mi dets, and leave enuff tew buy each one ov mi family a brest pin, if this aint happiness, i am no judge ov joy; if this aint bliss, then i am a cussid phool, that's all. It iz so cold, and the wind goes swearing through the streets so mutch to-day, that i shant venture out; and kant tell yoll what thare iz tew brag ov here-; but mi opinyun iz, that every- thing iz emphatikally on the cube, and that the feathery and grass consuming bird that formerly saved Rome from the enemy, occupys an enviable and exalted position. When it cums next Saturday night, dear ,and you call awl yure men around you tew pay them oph, dont forgit Billings, but let mi pay be, not in vile rags, that kan only buy hash for the boddy, but let it be pork for the soul, beans for the spirit, sich az kindly remembrancers, earnest desires, that we may both ov us be more virtuous, and hav stoughter faith in that Providence who gives the rooster courage tew crow, the dove a desire tew be modest, and the bull tarrier the de- terminashun to " go in." And chiefly a Faith that iz adorned with good works-faith, dear , without works, iz no better than a pewter watch. THE DAVENPORT LETTER. ALASKA, DEC. 10th 18-. BILL DAVENPORT, MY DEAR: There iz nothing so mortifying tew a- man, az tew be called upon to brag about himself. Egotism iz unfortunately page: 524-525[View Page 524-525]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 524-525 524 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. one ov the qualifications that men lack; modesty haz about destroyed the prospekts ov the whole maskaline gender. But thare iz dutys, dear Bill, in this life, however full ov tears they may be, which we owe tew the publik, tew each other, tew posterity, and tew the rest ov mankind. Being imprest with the grandeur ov this fakt, i hav struggled with the tenderness ov mi natur until i hav unhorsed my bashfull- ness, enuff tew komply with yure special request and giv you a poor but honest diary ov myself, mi habits, my hopes, my fears, mi faith, mi experiences and mi impressions. After a kareful annalysiss ov myself, i hav fully cum tew the conclusion that i am entirely kompozed ov human natur. I find that i eat, chaw, and swaller what i kan chaw, az other specimens ov the male side ov the house duz, and i hav the usual amount ov soft spots and slippery places in me. I hav examined mi pedigree since the flood accident, and find that Noah didn't hav enny better stock in the Ark than the Billings family. in examining the log book ov the ark, the Billings'es are token ov az " cabin passengers, the fust at the table when the gong sounded, and the last tew leave, always leading in conversation, full ov advice, and never knowing what it waz tew back out ov an argument, or git beat." I also diskover that our ansester waz the first one tew man the gang-plank when the ark touched the dok, and had paper-sticking out ov the brest-pocket ov his overcoat, headed " dokuments Billings," Ever sinse our pristine Billings landed on the rekonstrukted earth down tew to-day, i find the family, ov which i am the last surviving relik, hav been remarkabel for their anxiety tew know what waz going on, and able tew ask more ques- tions without waiting for an answer, than any other men. Theze being sum of the prominent protuberences ov the Billings concern, it will not skare yer tew learn that in suc- ceeding generashuns our issue waz among the adventurers in the May Flower, and stood on Plymouth rock a neck ahead of the rest. Having put you on the right track ov us since we fust THE DAVENPORT LETTE't. 525 begun tew travel, it now remains for me to cumn down into italicks ,and explain my habits, hopes,fears, f aith, expvriences and impreshuns. 1. HAAITS.-I hav none; natur haz been kind to me, and supplied me with what i want in this line. I often do the same thing different at different times; impulse iz natur, and habits kramp impulse. I am an offspring ov natur, and try tew resemble mi parent; habits are harness, natur iz morn- ing-gown and slippers. 2. HOPES.-I often indulge in hope, just az sum men do in gin, it makes me feel great for a spell, but teu often givs me the bed ake next day. Hope iz a coquet, well enough for an evenings flirtashun, but makes a mizerable guide, and companyun for life. Hope, and i, are good friends enuff, but we know each others best kards. I wouldn't cast off the jade for nothing, but she kan only grease mi macheen, she kant run it. 3. FEAR.-If a man aint under the dominyun of hope, he aint eazily influenced by fear, I hav alwus found reason able to master hope, and choke off fear. When i am punched up by hope, and knocked on the noze by fear, i kall in reason and he makes theze two parasites skeedadle. I don't konsider miself abuv fear, nor beneath it just so far az fear iz caution, it iz a kollateral of reason. 4. FATH.--I never yet indulged in implicit faith, but t what I got beat i mean ov course in worldly matters. I hav t bin remarkably lucky in this respect, and yet the misery ov gitting beat 9 times,-in 24 hours, iz no punishment at all compared with the horror ov a life, that haint got the pluck to beleave and trust. Faith iz the lazyness ov reason. What yu kant prove by reason yu kant prove by faith. God gave us reazon and nothing else in so great a degree, he intended reazon az our best grip. 5. ExPPERIENCE.-I hav taken az mutch ov this cordial mixtur az the next man yer meet, and got az little benefit from it. I hav worked all mi life, thus far, for experience and been paid off in depriciated and mutilated currency, I am page: 526-527[View Page 526-527]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 526-527 526 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. one ov those unfortunate experience critters, who will let the same dorg bite them consekertively, four times on the same knee, before. thay kan tell how hiz teeth taste, and then still hang around the cussed dorg. I think now i would swop off the whole expeeriences ov mi life, and throw in a whole lot ov second hand hopes, for one hour ov virtuous forgetfullness. I dont know that I am a bigger phool, nor a bigger sinner than the lump ov mankind, but mi experience haz been and looks now az tho it would continnue tew be, that the more experience a man gits in this world, the less pure he grows. Experience at test, Lz not a means of grace, but a means ov cunning. 6. IMPRESHUNS.-Mi impreshuns principally am, that thare iz only one smart thing that a man kan do in this life and that iz, tew prepare himself for a good situation in the next, and if reazon coupled to resolushun fails tew do this, he may safely conclude, that he aint wanted thare. Yours for 90 days, JOSH BILLINGS. JOSH IN SARATOGA. SARATOGA, Sept. 8, 18-. EAR :--Don't think I am going to ruin, don't think i am totaly spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from me at this grate drinking place. Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from white swel- ligs az it duz now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the bal- loon purswashion, but almost evry one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good common sense, and had brought enuff along with them to last while they staid. Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish Paris with their paste diamonds and fire gilt familys. Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress Spring. She waz a rosy and a roomy bride. He waz bilt to JOSH AT SARATOGA. 527 run in shallow water, rather a, light draft chap, i thought; XI but he took 9 consekutiff glasses without flinching, and, i think, would have held one more. He looked a hundred pounds bigger. I waz filled with horror at the sight, but soon had aul mi Il fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody present wash themsels internally with five or six tumblers full ov this liquid salts and perilash. i} co L OIL . . salts and perilash. page: 528-529[View Page 528-529]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 528-529 528 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding house; aul the femail seminiaries, and akademys of the arts and sciences, fill up their summer vakations with spring-water pupils. One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a drove ov tame injuns, with their squaws, and young porpoises, who cum here each drinking season, from the outlines ov Kanada, laiden with braided baskets, bags ov beads, and harmless bows and arrows. Theze people might have bin good injuns onst, but each successive porpoise grows paler, and meaner, and if it want for their nastyness, there aint three boarding-school misses in the whole land, with poetry enuff in their bild tew call them "the noble red men ov the forest." The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry in injuns, and the truth iz, that keyenne whiskey, and other kinds ov civilization, has outflanked them. It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand whiskey and civilization. A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without doubt, but a tame injun, one with more milk than molasses in hiz face, iz almost az near good for nothing, az a counterfit bill, on the bank ov Newfoundland. Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at least 2 thousand miles from ennyboddy else, and always stay at home, and never see a missionary. All the really good injuns die yung. WILLIAMSPORT, PA. Yu must not be thunderstruk to hear that i hav ceased to be a perpindikuler biped, and bekum for the time being a horizontal quadriped, going on all fours, and trotting inside of three minnitts. CORRESPONDENCE. 529 All of this mysterious flop in my moral and phisikal natur is owing tew the fakt that i am at Williamsport on this event- ful day, which inaugurates the untold wonders of the grate national hoss trot. The races continue for four days, and millyuns of money is to be disseminated to those quadripeds of genius who can promulgate themselfs around the track of the "Hurdick As- sociation"' with the greatest amount of alakrity. I have alreddy received kards of invitation from several rapid mnares, to look at them, note their points, admire their condishun, and betjmi munny on their goativeness. Among the menny brillant trotting females who hav sent in their kards, i kan menshun with pride "Joan of Ark," t: "Sall Potter," "Elmira Gall," ".Poll .Millbanks," and the blooming ".Maid of Pordunk." What the usual populashun of Williamsport may be i kant tell, but the unusual populashun attrakted here to-day by the - hossness of the occashun is irreproachably immence. All the strangers here go on a half-trot, and the citizens imove on a keen jump, which gives to the scene a smart kind YI4 . of aktivity. Every boddy talks hoss here to-day, and fast boss, too. Yu couldn't sell a hearse hoss in Williamsport, at present, for 60 dollars, who couldn't beat 2 minnitts and 30 seckonds. I hav heard so much boss language since i hav bin here, that i couldn't sleep at all last night on account of a sixteen- hand nite mare, who was scoreing for 3 hours on mi innocent buzzum. t Hoss literature is debilitating, for, say what yu will, most men love a fast hoss for his speed, and all speed is demoralizing. Man was desighned tew go slow. We kan see this bi the time it took the fust inhabitants of the earth to trot. In them daze the fastest man yu could find was from 3 to 5 hundred years trotting a heat. Learned men will tell yu that folks didn't learn as mutch in thoze times in a thousand years as they kan learn now in forty years; but i kan tell yu that this wanting to kno too 34t page: 530-531[View Page 530-531]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 530-531 530 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. much in a short time is just what beat Adam and his wife out of a sure thing. This is just what will prove the ruin of the race, for man- kind are now trieing tew trot so fast that you kan't hardly find a good square trotter amung them. They are continu- ally either making bad breaks, or are gitting into a vulgar and wicked way of running with their behind leggs and trotting with their before leggs. After summoning tew-mi aid all of mi resolushun, i have cum to the following butt-end conclushuns in reference to the trotting boss as a means of grace: First-i have learned bi long and laborious experience to Consider " all flesh as gras," and that hossflesh is particularly subjeckt tew this arbitrary rule. "Paul."-Yu ask me what i think ov the "Gift Distribu- ting bizziness," and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the premonitory siimptums ov a dead beat. I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me ten dollars for 50 cents, he lies; i may think he mealns to do it, but he don't think so ; but i may possibly cum within 2 dollars and a half ov it once and if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i will the next time. I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as soon undertake tow raize a good sized greenback bi planting a shinplaster back ov the hog pen. Parent.-I kant tell yu the best way tew bring up a boy ; but, if i had one that didn't lie well enuff tew suit me, i think now i would set him tew tending a dri goods store. Probably, one ov the best ways to bring up a boy in the way he should go, iz tew travel that way ourselfs, once in a while. Still thare aint no sure :thing; I have seen them brought up az kerful az a lappdog, and then go tew the devil jist az soon az they could strike the right track. And then agin, i hav saw them cum out ov sumboddy's gutter and wash up like a tj TWO LETTERS. 531 dimond. Raising boys iz a good deal like raising colts; if yu don t git more than one out ov ten that iz a 'fast one, yu are dewing flst rate. TWO LETTERS. Bramble.--lt iz very eazy tew write about the innercent joys ov our school boy days. More than 700 composlshuns hav bin compozed describing this memorable occassion. Yure glowing account of " thoze golden Hours, that laffing fled on silver tiptoes," is very slick indeed, and goes to shw that yu might hav had a good thing once. But let me ask yu, Bill Bramble, " did yu really kno it at the time?"Didn't yu aktually think in them daze, with even the big chance yu had, that being an innocent school boy, waz about the meanest bizzness that ennv boddy kould foller? If enny boddy would giv yu 50 dollars, would yu go back, and start the innocent school boy trade over agin, on the same old kapital. 4. * x * Not enny school boy innocence for me, Mr. William Bramble, if yu pleaze,-barefooted,-a thistle in each big toe, and a stun bruize on each heel, and a rye straw hat, without enny handle to it,-fried pork for brekfast, and cold chuncks of biled injun meal and milk for supper,--hard work from sun up, till sun down, and three times a week, for variety, an apple tree sprout licking in the korn krib,--three months; each winter, ov Dabolls' aritlimetik for edukashun, and working odd spells, for sum skinflint nabor, at eighteen cents a day, tew git spending money for the next 4th ov July! This iz the kind ov joy that meny a school boy remembers, and looks back upon, over hiz shoulder, with the mingled plezzure, and remorse, that a prisoner feels, who haz reached the heights, and sees the innocent old jail in the valley. It requires a good deal ov native genius tew work this kind ov yung innocence up into decent poetry. page: 532-533[View Page 532-533]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 532-533 532 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. : Berkshire.-Who it waz that invented -alchohol, i am unable tew tell, without lieing, but it would hay bin a fust klass blessing, for the rest ov us, if he and thelickor, had both, of them been spilt on the ground, and never bin sopped up since. The Devil himself with all hiz genius for a ten strike could not hav rooled a ball, more serviceable for hiz bizzness on earth; one more certain tew quarter on the head pin, and sweep the alley evry time. Rum iz the devil's stool pigeon, hiz right bower, hiz high, low, Jack, and the game. A grate menny, with dispeptick morals, argy, that lickor is indispensi- bel for manufaktring, and doktor purposes, and also for mekani- kal uses, and they'hold that yu kouldn't raize a barn, that would stand, without enny good old jamaka rum, and sum say, that pudding sass, without enny speerits in it, iz no healthier than common grease goose. But awl ov theze argys are furnished free ov cost, by the devil himself, and enny man who advances them, iz telling (without knowing it perhaps) lies, that will weigh, at a ruff estimate, at least a pound a piece. But mi objeckt in theze fu peliminus remarks, iz tew git a good chance to tell what i know, about "Jersey light- ning," (one ov alchohol's imps!) az amanafaktring, and meta- physikal agent. Jersey lightning iz cider brandy, three hours' old, still-born, and quicker than a flash. This juice iz drunk raw by all the old sports, and makes a premonitory and hissing noise az it winds down the thrut, like an old she-goose setting on eggs, or -a hot iron stuck into ice water. Three horns a day ov this lickker will tan a man's interior in six months, so that he kan swallo a live, six-footed krab, feet fust, and not waste a wink. It don't fat a man (cider brandy don't) like whiskee duz, but puckers him up like fried potatoze. If a man kan sur- vive the fust three years ov Jersey lightning, he iz safe then for the next 75 years tew cum, and keeps looking everyday more like a three-year old red pepper-pod, hotter and hotter. An old cider-brandy-drinker will steam, in a sudden shower ov rain, like a pile ov stable manure, and hiz breth smells like the bung-hole ov a rum cask, lately emptyed. When JOSH DEFINES HS POSISHUN. 533 Jersey lightning iz fust born it tastes like bileing turpentine and cayene, half and half, and will raise a blood blister on a pair ov old kow-hide brogans in 15 minnitts, and applied extern- ally will kure the rumatism, or kill the patient, i forget which. The fust horn a man takes ov this lickor will make him think he haz swallowed a gass light, and he will go out behind the barn, and try tew die, but kant. The eyes ov an old ciderbrandist looks like deep gashes kut into a ripe tomato, hiz noze iz the komplexshun ov a half-biled lobster, and the grizzle in hiz gullet sticks out like an elbo in a tin leader. The more villainous the drink the more inveterate are thoze who drink it. I kant tell yer whether cider brandee will shorten an old sucker's days or not, for they generally outlive all the rest ov the nabors, and die just as soon as the old tavern stand changes hands, and iz opened on tempranse principles. One bottle ov sassaparilla or ginger popp iz az fatal ten theze old fellers az a rifle ball iz tew a bed bugg. I would do almoste ennything but murder tew save a yung man from Jersee lightning, but triceing tew save an old one iz like trieing tew put the fire out ov a holler log, yu might az well let it burn up, for the ashes iz wuth more than the logg. JOSH DEFINES HS POSISHUN, DEAR PERKINS:-Posishun iz every thing, but define- ing it, iz another thing. I received yure letter in grate haste. I have received about 4 thousand letters ov the same breed during the last 5 years, in grate haste, and am out about 125 dollars in postage stamps on .this ackount. Yu open yure letter bi saying, "that yu beleave yu are 4th cuzzin tew me by the operashun ov marriage, and giv this az one ov the powerful reazons whi yu take the liberty tew address me," (postage stanmp not enklozed.) page: 534-535[View Page 534-535]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 534-535 534 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. I This iz the very reazon whi yu hadn't ought tew hav writ-, ten tew me. I hav alwus found that 4th cuzzins are a kussid poor invest- ment. The mule iz 4th cuzzin tew the boss, and yu kan see what a dredful poor job he makes ov it. But y'ure letter shall be answered az honestly az mi natur kan do it. ,- Having received about 4 thousand letters (az I sed above) on the same subjekt, and having replied tew them, all, the chances are, that i Fg. it s 4 lhave made themn all l different. t z h wI kan tell the truth f on n th s(aboteaz ilear az ally, gittingS; i " enny man, givame a the chances fair cl!ance, but, to the Leanes{tell the truth 4 thou- sand- times on the same subjekt, (and -.pay the postage be- sides) will bother enny man, but an auckshioneer. Aucksiionieers tell the same thing over so much, that it gits to be true after a while, even if it waz a lie on the start. It iz hard work tew tell the truth 4 thousand times, kon- sekutively, on the same text, (az i sed up above) without gradu- ally gitting tew leward. It iz like amans shuteing at a mark one hundred times, IS' thechances are, that the last shot he makes, will be one ov the meanest in the whole lot. JOSH DEFINES HS POSISHUN. 535 I kan tell the truth about az near az enny man, giv me a fair chance (az i sed up above) but bi altering the language a leetle each time, during 4 thousand konsekutiff times, the idee will git tired, and set down. Now thare iz two ways of following the truth, just az thar iz two ways ov following a fox, one way iz by cent, and the other way is bi site. When an old fox hound gits after a fox, he trusts only tew the cent, no matter lhow menny dubbles, and twists the fox makes, the houn makes them all, and iz either sure at last tew cum up with the fox, or run him into a hole, and a fox run into a hole, iz the next best thing tew ketching him. If ya kan hole the truth, yu kno whare it iz, and kan lay yure hand on it, when yu want it. The other way ov following the truth, (az i sed up above) iz bi sight. When a gra houn gits after a fox, he only trusts tew hiz eyes, and will follow him fast, just az long az he kan see him, but the'fox changes his route so often, that the grahoun soon loozes the point ov kumnpass, and stops at the first farm hous he cums tew, and begins tew look around, tew see if thare aint sunm hind quarter ov lamb hanging up under the wood slied, that he kan steal. This is just the diffrence between the 2 dogs. Yu- kant git an old fox houn tew leave the scent, tew pik up a ten dollar bill. I dont kno exactly now what i expekt tew prove bi all this, but if i keep or. writing i may strike it after a while. I kan tell the truth about az near az the next man (as i sed up above) after i git use tew the lay ov the ground. Yure letter, dear Perkins, waz duly received, and merits a prompt repli, and i intend tew do it. I never put oph for three or four years, enny thing that kan be did in half the time. I never waste enny words, but alwus hum rite tew the pint. This haz always bin the kustom, in our konsekutiff family, from Behomath Billings along down tew me. page: 536-537[View Page 536-537]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 536-537 536 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Behomath Billings, (yu are aware,) waz our pristine, and founded the anshunt sitty of Pordunk, from which the pres- ent -home ov the Billings family takes its name and natur. When enny ov our family started out for a hunt, in the days ov chivalry, for chippin birds or rens, or enny ov the game specie, we never spent 5 or 6 hours shooting at a mark, tew git the kicks out ov the gun, or tew find out the strength ov the powder, or the heft ov the led. We alwus loaded up both barrels in presence ov our familys, put on our gaim bag, took along our overkut, and umbrel, kist the family all around, not forgetting the cook, put into our pockets bred and cheeze, took a two quart jug ov cider along in our hands, went out and fed the hogs before we started, looked at our policy ov life insurance before we start- ed, and see if that want run out, gave our wife the keys tew ! the bottom drawer in the buro, whare we kept our nashional . sekuritys, also gave her the keys tew the granery, told her how menny oats tew feed the old mare at noon, set our watch bi the old kitchen klock, and alwus went bi nabor Shermans, and told him we waz a going out for a hunt ov chippin burds and asked him tew keep hiz eye on our hous, and things, and also look once in a while to the yerling bull, in the north lot, who waz apt tew go out a hunting too, onst in a while. This iz the way i was brought up tew do things with dis- patch, and this iz what haz made me, one ov the phew men ov the old skool thare iz now left in the land. But having answered about 4 thousand letters (az i sed up abovq) on the same subjekt, it wont be a kauze ov wonder, if i should now take a little rekreashun, before entering solumn- ly upon the bizzness in hand, but you kan rest assured, that . in due time, or sooner, i shall begin to answer yure letter. Thare iz a knock at mi door,' Perkins! -: . Come in! Ah, i am glad tew see yu, Mister Sprague!- one moment, Mister Sprague!" P. S.-Dear Perkins: I hav just got a bite, Sprague haz called on me tew talk about owning a rat tarrier pup, which said pup, iwant tew sell, the most kussiddist, without enny - . * ii?% CORRESPONDENCE. 537 reservashun, and i fiusn't let the thing slip, for yu kant sell. a pup every day. We wasn't but 50 cents apart the last time we met, and az i only ask a dollar for the pup, i think we shall curn together at this sitting, or the next. Yu kno how diffikult these things are tew manage, and a leetle too much anxiety on mi part, mite destroy the pup transackshun. The pup iz a fair pup, az pups run, but he lacks the eight ov a sixteenth ov being full ov blood, on his maternal side, and tho his tale iz so well bread that yu kant see the last 2 inches ov it, still thare iz lurking that dreadful stane in hiz pedigree, that no excuse will palliate. He is a good ratter--" one moment, Mr. Sprague!"-and will kill 14 out ov 15 rats, that he goes for, and don't kost but 2 dollars a week for hiz board, still thare iz that eight ov a sixteenth taint in his karakter, that nothing but deth kan wash out. I beleave i would giv 10 thousand dollars this minnitt, if this pup had a pure rekord. But dear Perkins (as i sed up above) yure letter shall be answered in dew time. Yures in haste, JosI BILLINGS. "Now, Sprague, it iz yu and me for the pup." CORRESPONDENCE. "Julia."--I kant answer awl yure questiolls without intruding upon the privacy ovdmi imaginashun, and i hav al- reddy overdrawn mi account in that fund. But i am not only willing, but anxious to say, in reply to yure inquirys, that poodle dogs are positively no accomplish- ment. Ladys who pet poodles, and lug them through the streets in their arms, and feed them on rare bits, are seldum seen releaving the wants ov the poor,- or soothing the cry ov anguish. page: 538-539[View Page 538-539]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 538-539 538 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. ' Poodles are good for nothing on earth, only to hive fleas, or 'i to tie onto a long stick and wash the outside ov windows ? Mwith. : If yu must hav a pet, git a yung raccoon, or a tame crow, 7 and studdy the deviltry ov the brtute creashun; theze critters will not only keep yu bizzy, but will either learn yu to be pa- t shhunt, or impress yu with the extreme cussidness ov pets, and I hope the latter. Pets ov awl kinds are not only a damage to the animals, f but a kind ov disgrase tew the dignity ov a human being. Be simpathetick, but dont be soft, Jlulia. Giv a stray kat - ! a night's lodcging, but doIlt encurrage the critter to cum agin. I "Clarence."--A literary reputashun iz a good' deal like :?' tilght-rope dancing; it takes a long time, and mutch pashunce . tew git it, and it iz deuced slippery bizzness tew stand on after ,: yu hav got it. : A few make munny by it, but most make crusts. . Yu may think it iz a big thing tew be seen in the nuzepca- pers, but az a general tiling, it iz safer tew stand in front ov a looking-glass. Yu kar see yurself thare az others see yu. If yu hav really got a good taller-kandel ov yure own, yu are commanded by the Scriptures not to hide her under a hlalf-bushel; but let me advize yu tew be certain that yure dip will burn before yu light it, for, once in harness, thare iz no eskape for the ordinary literary hack. -Iiz vanity iz too muskular for hz sense. If it is fame, Clarence, that yu are looking after, i kan assure yer that the glory ov the common skribbler will per- forate posterity, just about az deep az the advertizements ov a quack doktor. - My advice tew yer iz dredful short and simple, and az eazy tew follow az a halter. - ' If yu are fully satisfied that yure fust literary effort iz per- : felkt, tare it up and dont be a phool but once, but if yu sincere- ly doubt its merit (which iz the hardest kind ov doubt to in- 1 hale) let the publick decilde between yu and yure fears. The publick have no vanity; they are az praktical az a lot ov surgeons in a dissekting room. il ANSWERS TO SPICE-BOX CORRESPONDENTS. 539 Deont be skared at the criticks neither; they are like the hornets, never sting dead things. In conclusion, if yu do succeed in the literary ring, yu will find thlat the goods, which thoze who hav lost, iz a good deal like the military coat ov a disbanded lutenant in the late vol- unteer service, worth more in the piece than it iz in the coat. ANSWERS TO SPICE-BOX CORRESPONDENTS. Richard.- Your essay on the Moon was taken out of the Spice-Box this morning and karefully examined. . This moon ov yours iz not a bad meaning moon, but .it iz too mutch for our department. Yu e ust make the and pull gently. Yess alsorter . Write on the lust quarter ov the mnoon, and we that " watering arrots iz apt tew re ewill tem i to git tie logick in theze centiments. '--are iz menny tils in yuhave paper on agrikulturICE no room for full moons. '1 1 2Red Pepper.-- Yure paper on agri- kulturmaz sum good things in. it, espesh- ly whare yu say, "the best way tew raze beets iz tew take holt ov the tops and pull gently." Yu also observe, with gratejustness, that " watering carrots iz apt tew reduse them. Thare iz logick in theze centiments. Thare iz menny things in yure paper on agrikultur that seem tew hav bin born expressly for page: 540-541[View Page 540-541]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 540-541 540 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. : the Spice-Box collum; but when yu say that "a mule iz a most docile creature," yu kik over the whole thing. I don't allow no mnn tew' diktate tew me about the mule. I kno their natur just az well az tho i had invented it miself. I wouldn't trust a mule's heels under oath! I raized mules once X six years for a living, and it came near being the deth ov me. [] They begin tew kik before they are born. I had an old she mule once, when i waz farming on the Dickaway Plains, out West, that we used tew take up into the timbered lands to gath- er chestnuts with. All we had to do waz to bak her up tew a ?? tree and set her a kiking, and she wouldn't stop untill she had knoked every burr oph from the topmost limbs. I hav known - her tew steal off Sundays, when thare want enny plowing to do, . and bak herself up to the 2 story school-hoens in our naber- 4 hood, and knok the martin boxes oph from the gable-end ov 9 it with her heels. If yu hadn't called the mule " a most do- [ cile creeture," yu might hav phooled me withll the rest ov i! yure essa on agrikultur, for thare iz sum appearances ov truth in what yu say on the subjekt, espeshy when yu observe that "hop vines should be planted 25 foot apart so az tew- giv them a good chance tew hop;" and then agin, when yu relate that "onions and red peppers are very smart for their size." Theze are stubborn fakts that no lover ov truth kan dispute, and are valuable for the husbandman to kno. If yu [ will take out ov yure yaper on agrikultur what yu hav sed in favor ov the mule, and say yu are sorry for it, and wont do so agin, i will publish the ballance in the Spice collum. Smoked Beef.--We don't want but little poetry for the t spice collum, for enny man who kan write poetry that iz good kan sell it for a fair price, and kant afford tew giv it - away. We don't pay for contribushuns to this department, ; in falt, we hav bin offered munny by contributors tew git into it. I am no grate judge ov poetry, i hav only one way : tew judge ov it, and that may not be a good way. When i read a piece ov poetry that sounds so eazy, and so natral, that i wonder whi i hadn't writ sumnthing jist like it, more than 15 ' years ago m'iself, i curn tew the konklushun, rite oph, that - . S ANSWERS TO SPICE-BOX CORRESPONDENTS. 541 that iz good poetry. Thare ain't nothing in the literary trade that thare iz so few good journeymen at, az in the poetry de- partment. Thare iz plenty of dabsters, for when a man, don't kno exackly what ails him, he begins tew write poetry tew git relief. I hav bin troubled this way miself, but hav studdyed the simptoms so much that when i feel it comeing on i go out and git wet, or take sum rubarb, and it lets me alone then for a while. But, dear Smoked Beef, don't dispair yure genus may lay in sum other corner ov the litterary gar- rett, try yure hand at proze, or history, or writing on human happiness, or sumthing ov that sort. Don't be frightened at what we say, we are censors only for yure future good, and had rather nuss than kondem. Spinnage.--Yure essa on the Darwinian theory iz too late, the subjekt haz received the concurrance ov the most logical minds, and every thinking man iz reddy tew bet that man did spring from the monkey. It would only bring yu and this department into ridikule tew raize enny question on the mat- ter now. Next tew attrakshun ov gravitashun, the art and mistery ov sliding down hill on a barrel stave, and the dis- kovery ov the multiplikashun table, Darwin's theory iz the plum ov the 19th century.' I never go near a cage ov mon. keys enny more, tew gaze and laff, but tew ponder, and weep, and if I waz going into the missionary bizzness, I would go whare the monkeys waz the thickest. We all owe our an- sesstors our undivided simpathys, and the very least that can be sed about the present condishun ov the monkey iz, that they are our poor relashuns, and charity begins at hum, and he that wont pervide for hiz household iz wuss than an injun. Yure essa on the subjekt haz wounded mi pheelings-rever- ence iz one ov mi best holts. If yu will rewrite yure paper, and take the bull by the other horns, and go in for Darwin, and the monkey, and humin natur, yu shall hav a front pew in the Spice-Box collum. Dumplings.-I like -yure views on Joner and hiz whale, buit we kant make this department sektarious; -We mean tew be hail phello well met, how are yee I with Methodiss, Univer- page: 542-543[View Page 542-543]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 542-543 542 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. i saliss, Presbeterian, Episkopall, Katholik, Unitarian, A[or- ' mon, lHard Shell Babtiss, and all other kind ov doktering. Sum readers mite konstrew what you say into a sli hit, and we think more ov tlis collum than we do ov Joner and a ] whole skool ov whales. Our plan iz tew konsult every man's opinynn and money but our own. Old Cheese.-Yun tell me iin yure contribushuns tew thle Spice Box, that if i like it, i kan hav sum more ov the salrle sort. I like it, but i would like tew kompromize with yu by publishing this piece, and then quit. If yu don't like this prop- osishun, tell me the best that yu will do. I want to make ai trade with yu sum how. Let me kno bi return male. We kant pay for artildles tew this department--thare aint mullny enuff in New York to do it. We hav got on Ihand nowt enuff fust klass correspondence to paper the inside ov every trunk that -will be manufaktered in Amerika for the next 30 years. /Mustard.-The circulashun of the NEW YORK WEEiKLY iz , now over three hundred and twenty-five thousand each week, and is growing like a hielthy baby. I cant tell yu whether thle paper iz in want ov enny more paid contributors or not. If^ yu address the proprietors, yu kan find out. I am not at' liberty to tell yu wlat price I get for writing for the NzEW YoRK WEEKLY-all i kno iz that I receive more money tha I know what to do with. I think some ov buying a saw mill 'or a drove ov sheep, with mi surpluss, i dont kno whllitcll. - I would be glad to answer all yure other questions, and the fust wet day that cuins I will. If yu ever cure to ]Newr York, call at the office ov the NEW YORK WEEKLYt1-the proprietors are always pleased tew see their friends. I kant promise yu that they will giv yu an audience ov tliree or four hlours, or offer yu the hospitalitys ov the city, but yu kan de- pend upon politeness on the haff shell. "Gabriel."-,Excentricity duz not necessarily imply genius, hut it iz quite common to see men who are top-heanvy it;ll brains travel zigzag in the common walks ov life. Thare iz sum people who put excentricity on for effekt. This iz fthl az ridikulous az playing drunk. ANSIWERS TO SPICEI-BOX CORSESPONDElNTS. 543 An excentrik man iz frequently az amiuzing in Iliz way ov doings az a bobtailed kite in the air. It dont add tew enny man's heft to be odd, or awklward, and thoze who are really afflikted with it would be glad to swap it oph for sumthing easier It often happens that excentricity iz courted with twice thle labour it would take to do things az others do them. Excentricitys being the toadstools that cr6p out occasion- ally upon the surface ov the man ov tallent, and being mutch eazier to photograph than the valuable things that he iz mas- ter ov, we find plenty ov immitators ov oddness who probably hav just genius enuff to be precise in their manners, but none to waste on excentricity. Permit me, Gabriel, to wind up by mnakin the following, remarks: When i see a large crowd gathered in the streets, around one man who haz got sumthing new to show, then i say to miself that sumthing iz a going on that aint true, for I have fonnd all noveltys generally to be frauds. The vices that destroy a people are alwus born amung thle perlite, and the virtews that reinstate them curm from- the humbler classes. We should be kerful l1ow we play the monkey;' if we are a good monkey once, we hav alwus got- to be a monkey. The men who kan malke others laff the most, are generally light laffers themselfs, on the same principle that undertakers dorit make good mourners at a phuneral. Give me neither poverty nor ritches," but a little ov one, and a good deal ov the other. "Ja7e."'-Peakoks don't appear, upon cluss scrutiny, to be ov enny vital importance, to themselves nor ennybody else, just now. We read in the old books that the wife of Jupiter, quite often appeared on the boulevard, at mount Ida, with peakoks in dulbble harness to a skeleton, this wuz undoubt- edly so, but yu must reckolekt that peakoks, like everything else, have grown weaker,'if not wizer Az a means ov diet, peakoks are not good, if they am, it iz page: 544-545[View Page 544-545]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 544-545 544 ANSWERS TO CO-RRESPONDENTS. ; a profound sekret, known only tew a few. They are alto- gether too good-looking to be worth much, buty haz made !;: them useless, it often works so, but buty iz worth more to a t',-, peakok than to ennyboddy else, take the buty awl out ov . them, and what iz left wouldn't bring more than 15 dollars. The femail peakok haz a sad and lonesum demeanour; they look and ackt az though they had bin brought up and edu- . kated just to admire their handsum husbands. Thare iz one unfortunate fakt that i hav noticed amung the 4 animal and bird creashun, and that iz, the men all outstyle the wimmin, and keep them under their thumbs. What a muss this Wuould raize in the human family. - The grate buty ov the peakok himself iz in hiz postcript. This he kan lift up perpendikler, and spred like'a flower-bed. But wlien yu kuln right down tew aktual arithmetik, one peakok in a township iz enuff capital for the whole popula- 8 shun, and he aint ov enny more account, pretty soon,. than j the cirkus bills on the butt-end ov a barn, the next day after the performance iz over. i "ETTERS. - Jake.-M Ian's moral and phisikal life iz made up ov bye- laws, and constitushun, and if he will take good kare ov the I by laws the constitushun will take kare ov itself. : The fewer bye laws a man haz, the better, only hav themn good, and see to it that they are well executed. -; I kno ov lots ov men' who are all bye laws, and no consti- tushun, and then agin i kno ov sum Inen whlo are all constitu- \ shun, and no bye laws. If i kant hav but one, give me the constitushun. I John.-Flattery iz a very powerful stimulant, but its grate strength lays in being delikately administerd. ! Thare iz sum men who will take it az they do hasty puddin : and milk, just gap, and swallow. *2 ' ..4 "ETTERS. 545 Honest flattery stans in the same rclashun tew just praze that interest duz tew money. Every man iz entitled tew the interest on his munny, and 7 per cent ov flattery wont hurt enny man who iz honestly entitled tew the principal. Flattery alwus makes a wize man humble and kerful, but it haz the same effek on a phool that a band ov musik haz on a plough hoss, the fust time lie hears it. Amos.-Doktors are not all quaks, yuhlav got rong noshuns about this. Doktors, lawyers, and ministers, hav a hard row tew ho, they hav tew deal with the kredulity, knavery, and fears ov the people, three ov the most diffikult traits in human natur tew handle. If i waz a dokter, and understood mi bizzness, i should doktor my pashzunts, and let the dissease . -- .. take kare ov itself. . ' More folks are rnIf - - kulred this way than enny other. It aint mutch trubble tew doktor sick folks, but tew doktor the well onrs iz bothersum. . " would-quittthebizz- ness the fust good chance i got. E Ir If i waz a mlinister, , and had tew preach the gospel tew mi 1 people, whoze relig- " ion, ninetenthls ov them, waz the result ov their fears, and whho want willing tew giv me but four hundred and fifty dollars a year, (half store pay, and the rest after harvest) i 35t page: 546-547[View Page 546-547]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 546-547 54:6 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. should resighn mi charge, and enter that field az a missionary. Enoch.--Thare iz nothing more wuss, tew a young man, just commencing tew slide down the hill ov life, than too mutch -inkredulity. It iz better tew larn wisdum bi experience than bi precept; and inkredulity iz the child ov precept; thare iz grate risk in being wize before our time. When i see a yung man who iz suspicious ov every thing he sees, i think he wants more watching than one who aint afraid ov nothing. Suspicion aint app tew make a man wize, but it haz made sum dredful kunning kritters. ! Cunning-and innosense dont gro on the same bush very plenty, but if they do, one ov them iz the thorns, and the other the flowers. Luther.-Thare iz 2 things in this world pesky hard to do, and suit yure customers, one iz keeping a distrikt skool, and the other iz, being a mother in law. Enny man, or woman, who kan keep a distrikt skool, and giv general satisfackshun, aint good for nothing. A good distrikt iskoolmaster iz like an undertaker, dreaded X bi every boddy. It takes a smart woman tew be a successful mother in ' -law. I dont think from what i kan learn, that this iz a good year for mothers in law, i hear a good deal ov komplaint about them. Thare iz only one way tew suckceed in the mother in law bizzness, and that iz, dont run after yure children, but keep back, and let them hunt for yu. Good mothers in law dont liv match nearer than 15 miles ov their children, and alwus let the children do the heft ov the visiting. Matheu.--If the yung lady, whom yu are towing up 5th Avenue, meets one ov her-previous beaus, and she wants tew hav a few words with him, it is hily butiful in yu tew step around the korner, and let the conversashun take place. :i "ETTERS. 547 Thare iz no statue law kompelling yu to do this, but it shows grate powers ov endurance in yu. When the young lady jines yu agin, and yu ask her what the talk waz about, she will tell yu, that he wanted tew. borro five dollars. This will undoubtedly be the truth. Moses.--The world iz gitting awful wicked and korrupt. Thoze tender stanza, "Mary had a little lam," haz been ov- late ridikuled bi poets who dont krio lam from mutton. It wont be long, at this rate, before sum retch, more pro- fane than the rest, will cum out with an Ode, offering tew bet 10 dollars that Mary didn't never hav enny little lam at all, nor nothing. By and by, i expekt sum malignant kuss will pitch into "Old HaIndred,' and "Windsor," and "Greenlands icy Mountain," and sich like, dear old gems ov our infancy. When ridikule gits tew be so common, that it takes the place ov philosophy, amung sensible people, and even iz en- couraged amung phools, it iz a sure sighn that morality iz trieing tew go down hill, without enny britching. Mark.-Yu say yu are about tew begin life, and want tew begin right, and yu ask me how tew do it. First, az to yure religion, mi advice iz, that yu adopt a leetle to a time. Commence with this, ( do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu." After yu hav got this well larnt, i will givyu another dose. The grate trubble with nu beginners iz, they undertake tew raize more religion than they kan lift, and the konse- quentz iz, they git diskouraged, and loze their grip. To mutch religion iz the wust thing in the world tew lift. As for polotix keep out ov them, az a bizzness, yu kant be a suckeessful polytician, in Nu York citty, unless yu keep a grocery, and sell rum bi the drink. A man mite az well undertake tew make money with atoll gate, in the center ov a 50 aker lot, that want fenced in, az tew suckceed in pollytiks, in Nu York citty, without enny: grocery. page: 548-549[View Page 548-549]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 548-549 548 -ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. - ! Az for the bizzness yu intend tew foiler, enny thing that iz honest, iz honorabel, but i wouldn't be a hoss jockey, for i dont kare how pins a man iz, swopping hosses will make him i kareless. In reference tew gitting marrid, i hav got but one rule for , that, which dont vary, "Marry Yung, and nmarry for Vluv!" This will win seven times out ov ten, and the other three times are respektable blunders tew make. " JOSH COMMUNES WITH IIIS FRIENDS. 3 DEAR JOE.-Your letter came by the last mail, and brought with it menny thoughts ov that sunny time when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill together. Yu ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate one for a third party to mix in with; but yu are aware that I am not very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opil.- ion, espeshly when invited to do it. I consider advise gen- t erally wasted, and most sure to be when given upon the mat- L ter in question, bult i hav a large stock ov it on hand, and shan't miss what i devote to you. , By awl means, Joe, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. Don't stand shivering on the baink; but pich in and stick yure head under, and the shiver iz awl over. Thare aint enny more trick in gitting marrid, after yu are reddy, than there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man llaz stood shivver- ng on the shore till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect tew marry an angel; the angels hav awl been picked up long ago. Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry for buty excloosively; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and thaws dredful eazy. Don't- marry for garments; dry good i are uncommon deceptibus; they are like the feathers on a blue-jay-pick oph the feathers, and thare aint nothing left. Don't marry for munny; munny may make yu respectabel but kan't make yu honnest nor happy. Don't marry excloo- "t JOSH COMMUNES WITH IiiS Fi1i Z i)S. 549 sively for luv neither; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for nothing when the fuel gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let the mixtur be: sum buty, becumingly dressed, with about 225 dollars in her pocket; a good speller, handy and neat in the house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff constitution and by laws, small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth, and a warm heart; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. This mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. If the cork happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, the strength aint awl gone. Joe, for heaven's sake! dont marry for pedigree, thare aint much in pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock; a family, with nothing but pedigree, generally lacks sense, they are like a kight with tew much tail, if they would only take oph sum ov the tail, they mite possibly git up, but they are always tew illustrious to take off any tail. Let me hear from yu again Joe soon. But mi dear fellow dont be afrade, wedlok iz az natral az milk, but in course thare iz sum difference in milk, about highsting cream, but there iz one thing that dont vary, and tlhat iz, awl milk tew have the cream rize good, and keep sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be rousted up tew often. Dont be an olde bachelor; lonesum, and selfish, crawling out ov yure hole, in the morning, like a shiny backed beetle, and then backing into it again, late every night, suspicious and suspected. I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show win- dow, or a tin weather cock, on the ridge-pole of a female seminary, az a lonesum bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity ov the land. Jeremiah.-Dont confuse learning and wisdum; thare iz jist az mutch difference between them az thare iz between fruit that iz raized in a hott-house and that which ripens out doors, smiled upon bi the sun, and shook up by the wind and the; storm. When the two hitch up together, they are a bully team. page: 550 (Illustration) [View Page 550 (Illustration) ]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 550 (Illustration) 550 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Wisdum being natrally the stoughtest, takes learning up in its arms, and learning points out the shortest road tew take; they work together az handy az a pair ov twin oxen. If a man kant hav but one, he better hav the wisdum, for- wisdum iz alwus fatt with good sense, and kan alwus uze its strength; while learning must hav jist sich a spot tew work in, and jist sich a way tew do it in. Wisdum iz a giant, whoze strength makes him respekted, while learning iz a pigmy, whoze knoweledge, makes him ! feared. But, Jeremiah, thare kan be a good deal sed for both ov them. Wisdum grows stout by thinking, and learning gits fat by studdy. Wisdum iz ov the natur ov genius, while learning iz ov the natur ov tallent. But, Jeremiah, these subjects are too full ov logick for you and me tew phool with. We had better spend our loose mo- ments in finding out the best way tew raize beans, and the best market tew take them to. P S.-I forgot to0say that thare iz four hundred times az mutch learning in the world az thare iz wisdum. And also, a man may hav a grate deal ov learning, and not know mutch, just az he may hav a great deal ov strength, and not know the best holts. AUTOGRAFF LETTERS. Dear Sam: Thare never waz a good and reliable critick who want a good writer himself, this ackounts for the grate number ov criticks, and for the inferiority ov them. JOSH BILLINGS. Dear Bill: Marrid life haz its flip flops, and its flip flams, but i hav noticed one thing, out ov the north east corner ov my well eye, and it iz this, good husthands most alwus make good wives. ; JOSH BILLINGS. BOARDING HOUSE PRIVILEGES. To have one nabur practizing on the French Horn, To have another nabur learning to smoke. (500) To have another nabur learning to smoke. (500) page: -551[View Page -551]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page -551 I "i .! , I , f ' ' 'i AUTOGRAFF LETTERS. 551 Dear Dave: Amerikans az a lump, are skin deep edukated, a daily paper and a tooth pick complete their ethicks, but tew fall hed fust out ov a six story windo'and strike on their feet, tew insure their lives for the benefit ov the widder, and then hunt for acksidents, tew build pacifick rale rodes, break mules, arid convert injuns, they are a sure footed people. Amerikans hav menny faults, but most ov them are ov their own invenshun, but i never hav seen a native yet that yu could hire tew tend a gide board. JOSH BILLINGS. Dear Dan: Babys are the best gift ov heaven, the devil sows tares, but the Lord sows babys.. A house without a baby in it, iz like a tallo kandle without enny wick, it wont light up, the wife iz fastidious, and fret- ful, and the husband iz az lonesum and useless az a gander amung a flock ov hen turkeys. JOSH BILLINGS. Dear Fred: If you are looking for solitude go to a citty. Every boddy thare iz bizzy with their own thoughts, cares, and plezzures, they haint got the time tew notis even thoze who want to be notised, but if yu covet solitude in ,the kun- try yu do it at the risk ov being feared bi some, suspekted bi others, and harrassed bi all. A man may liv 10 years in Nu York citty and be known only to hiz landlady and washwoman, while in a kuntry vil- lage he cant liv six months in peace if evry boddy dont kno who makes hiz shirts. JOSH BILLINGS. Dear Frank: Fear is an evidence ov a small inteleckt, and tru currage ov a large one. There iz this difference between pride and vanity, pride respekts itself, vanity praizes itself. Faith iz not a meek impulse, but a live one; genowine faith iz like pepper sass, it knows its own strength and dont nibble, but bites. JOSH BILLINGS. Dear Phil: The most valuable ov awl the household ani- mals iz the brindle cow. They are compozed entirely ov vit- ties and drink, shoe leather and horn-tooth combs. They are the poor man's necessity and the ritch man's luxury. They hold the original patent for butter and ice-kream. They page: 552-553[View Page 552-553]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 552-553 552 ANSWERS T/O CORRESPONDENTS. are az free from malice az a sister ov charity. Their impor- tance don't make them feel big. They are mothers-in-law to evry man's baby. If i had the making ov stattews it should be a misdemenor tew sass a cow, and tew abuze one, a penitentiary offense. JOSH BILLINGS. Dear Hen: I hav got but one opinyun (nor never had but one) about "Wimmins Rights." I think they hav a per- feckt right tew be chaste and butiful; tew be mothers ov warriors and statesmen; tew be the gentlest, purest, sweetest and most graceful creatures yet created; tew be the power behind the throne; tew be a pillo ov down for the aking head of man, and a halo ov glory to adorn hiz achievements; to be just what God gave them the rare privilege tew be, compan- yuns, friends, sweet-hearts, wives and mothers, first in the hearts ov man, and last at the polls. JosH BILLINGS. Dear Pete: Bad spellinll' iz a misfortune, not an accom- plishmqnt, and the misfortune iz, that menny folks who don't kno enny better, think thare iz humor in it. Thare iz no more real humor in spelling twisted than thare iz in looking cross-eyed. The man who deliberately kultivates bad spelling iz no better than him-who sows weeds. I am sorry for what bad spells i have passed through, and am sorry for what i may pass through hereafter, and would be glad tew quit now, for one reason, if no other, and that iz, i don't want tew cater to enny man's taste, whoze opinyun i don't respekt. Thoze who kant see no humor in what i write, but in the stumuk ake twist ov the words, i konsider my friends, jist az mutch az thoze who form a ring around a bear, and a alligater, and while they hurrah for both, don't acktually care six inches which whips. But when a man once puts on the cap and bells, no matter whether they bekum him or not, the- world will insist upon hiz wearing them, however they pretend tew regret it. Humnan natur iz a kurious woven web, and thare iz one little malishus thread, away down in in the warp ov it, and it iz this-it don't flatter enny ov uzs tew see a man repent ov hizphooUshness. JOSH BILLINGS.. SHOR ANSWERS TO LONG LETTERS. 553 SHORT ANSWERS TO LONG LETTERS. Albert.-The length ov time that a goose kan stan on one leg depends entirely upon the natiff endurance ov the goose. A good tuff goose, i should think mite do it for 3 weeks bi swopping legs ockasionally. Frederik.--Injuns kan be civilized once in a while, but it knocks at least 20 per cent oph from the value ov injun, besides hurting the general reputashun ov the civilizashun. Jonathan.-Thare iz a grate menny tite spots in this world, and probably the best way tew git out, ov them, iz tew dig out. Thare iz another way tew git out ov them that i kno ov, and that iz, to set still, and tire the spot out. This requires both pashunce, and judgment. A tite spot iz a good deal like a mouse-trap, dredful eazy tew git into, but unhandy tew git out ov. Tite spots aint like a knot hole, natral, but they are like a 2 inch auger h o I e, manufakterd. Mankind are tew t blame theirselfs for^ , all the tite spots thare o iz pretty mutch. ca- s o v Tov I dont think it hurts SSt "EVER Y TN! a man tew git into a Y , Y 0J KNO: tite spot once in a . ' . while, it kind ov givs :& - M V ! him an idee ov the P/i^' h size of the hole he kan 3 5 W:.- r fill to the best advan- *,/1! k tage. Sum folks are alwus Lv-'-' J" hunting for tite spots, .-- .-I and kan moste alwus - . X / find them, this may r . -- . inkrease their cunning, but it never will inkrease their wisdum. Wise men dont hunt for tite spots, they luv easy boots. page: 554-555[View Page 554-555]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 554-555 554 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Jerry.-I never was logikal. I never waz a kluss kommun- ion thinker. I hav dun all mi thinking on the jump, i al- wus shute on the wing, and hav made menny splendid misses, but once in a while hav brought down mi animal. I never take a rest when i shute, i hav alwus felt az tho thare waz more suckcess in missing yure bird on the wing, than thare waz in hitting it on the nest. But probably this aint so. Jim.-Speakin ov lazyness, sets me tew thinkin, that la- zyness, must hav bin the condishun ov man, if he had alwus lived in the garden ov Eden. If Adam had plenty 'ov jobs on hand, the devil would have lhad a harder job to seduce him. Adam would never have bilt enny rale rodes, nor Nikol- sun pavements in the garden ov Eden, nor ever would hav bequeathed us enny heathen tew kultivate. It iz also true, on the other hand,. that he never would hay wore enny tite boots, nor sheet iron collars. About the biggest joke thare iz, about the fall of man, iz, that he haz larnt how tew " rute hog or di." This iz worth, in mi opinyun, very near fust cost. Man owes all his suckeess in this world tew the fakt that he fell, (the only doubt i hav iz whether man iz a suckcess at all.) I sumtimes, in mi sad, wet days, when i do mi sollum thinking, hav wondered, if it wouldn't hav been just az well, when Adam waz falling, if he had fell out ov sight. But i flatter miself bi thinking in this way, that the man who livs in this world, and duz a good square thing thru life, (none of yure 8 hour jobs) haz more tew brag ov, than enny ov the angels up in heaven. Speaking ov 8 hour jobs, leads me tew remark, that when i waz an apprentiss, we put in 12 hours, and if the 8 hour rule iz adopted now, i want to know whare i am to look for back pay earned. I aint opposed to 8 hours a day for the boys, but i dont want them tew forgit, that us old grand dads, shall put in f6r bak pay. 2gaman.-Wimmin az a lump (bless the dear lumps) don't understand humor. [ SHORT ANSWERS TO LONG LETTERS. 555 They hav keen appreshiashun ov the grand, the pretty, and the sensashunal, and in all emoshunal matters, such az the harte ake, they are queen bees, but when yu cumr down tew the ribs ov a joke they aint thare, or hav just left. Now the wli of this iz thuswise, a bit ov humor lowers a thing, or an idee, down tew its real level, in order tew git a crack at it, and woman kant bear tew hav a thing lowered down tew its real level, she wants tew elevate a thing above its natral level.. This iz all for the best perhaps, but humor insists in taking the pucker strings out ov things, and the pucker string, iz woman's best holt. I-dont luv a woman enny the less for this. If she lets go ov the pucker string, man would go to, (i waz just on the point ov saying, to t]he deviD but i wont say that. Thare are a phew amllung the sex who are intense apprecia- tors ov humor, and when they are, they are a harp ov 4 thou- sand strings. A woman dont do enny thing bi installments, when she iz tickled,she will bet her best bonnet on it, and i dont luv a woman enny the less for this neither. Beln&a..-I hav alwus sed, giv a woman the choice ov three men for a husthand, and the chances iz, she will manage to looze all three ov themn. Evryboddy luvs tew drive foor-in-hand better than they do a single hoss. . If yu hav really got three beaux's, thank the Lord for hiz- kindness, and freeze fast to one ov them to onst. The more yu look for perfekshun, the more blemishes yu will cum acrost; and the more 'suckers yu git into yure net, the more yu will hanker for, and the more danger thare iz ov the nets bursting and letting awl the fish leak out. I kant tell yu which one ov the three fellows yu had better 'snare; but mi advice iz, to take the one which yu find yure- self the most anxious tew pleaze, and to keep on doing so after yu are one flesh, and if you ain't a happy pair, yure husthand iz simply a mean kuss. page: 556-557[View Page 556-557]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 556-557 556 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Beans.-Courting iz about half natur and about lhalf science. The natur in it iz love, modesty, and faith, and the science iz simply energy. Yu must begin slow, but by and by it will be best tew agi- tate things. Wimmin, az a lump, had rather be took by storm than by siege. Wimmin never surrender, nor are they ever exacktly won but rather captured. They " fight it out on this line." I am talking now ov sensible wimmin. Thare iz wimmin who are az eazv to court az lint. "Luv, at fust sight," iz like eating honey. It duz seem az tho yu never could git enuff ov it. This kind ov luv iz apt to make blunders, and iz az hard tew back out ov az a well., But thare ain't no sich thing az pure mathumaticks in courting. If it iz awl nature, it iz too innocent for earth; and if it iz awl science, it is too mutch like a job. Perhaps the best way to court iz to begin without mutch ov enny plan whare yu are going tew fetch up, and see how you and she likes it, and then let the thing kind ov worry along kareless, like throwing stones into a mill-pond. You will find one thing tew be stricktly true, Mr. Beans, the more advice you undertake to follow, the less amount ov good courting yu will do. .}I a MAT L MATTER. DEAR SKIDMORE: Ye'sterday's post brought me'your let- ter safe and sound, and in repli i will state 'that i am not a member ov enny body else's tempranse sosiety, but i. am a tempranse sosiety miself. I am the president, vice pres- ident, clerk, corresponding sekretary, door keeper, lamp- - lighter, boss, and all hands ov the institushun. This sosiety waz formed about forty years ago, and haz but one member, and that's me. ! MAIL MATTER. 557 I hav got a set ov bi laws and constitushun that cant be beat nor tired out. I often hav sum applikashuns from outsiders tew jine mi consern, but i invariably tell them that just as soon az a va- kansy occurs, they may come in. I don't run opposishun tew ennyboddy else's tempranse so siety--i wish them all well-mi motto iz: " i mean tew liv, and i hope everyboddy else means to ditto. Rum and the devil are the only two individuals that i aktu- ally hate, and won't be polite to, if we kan beat theze two kritters it iz jist az eazy tew liv and be happy, az it iz tew eat molassis kandy and swing on a gate. Remember me, dear Skiddy, tew yure wife, and children, yure aunts and neaces, yure unkles, and yure mother-in-law, and beleave me solid, az one man, on the tempranse issew. DEAR SMLEY: Yu ask me what i kno about elephants, and i am glad tew state that i don't kno but little about them. --"Barnum, the grate primatiff shoman, tried one a fu years ago, on hiz farm at Bridgeport, and he told me (sub rosa) that he want a suk- cess ov enny definite magnitude ackordin tew hiz size. He said he couldn't raze enuff on hiz farm tew feed and clothe the elephant, and that he spilt everything he stepd on for life. He also sed it took 75 tons ov koal tew keep him hot in the winter. page: 558-559[View Page 558-559]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 558-559 558 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Mr. Barnum sez that the elephant iz the most unprofitable nmasheen tew plough out korn that he ever tried, for lie kant turn round in a 10 aker lot, without knoking down 7 and one half akers ov korn and also 2 hundred yards ov picket fence. Mr. Barnum also admitted tew me that 75 per cent ov the a Elephant's strength waz wasted, bekauze he couldn't use it. Mr. Barnum furthermore told me (strikly confidenshalD i that the grate moral value, and munny, ov the elephant kon-wT sisted in .being looked at in a tent, at 50 cents a site for aisle boddied pholks, children haff price, infants in arms gratui- tuss, provided they wasn't twins, front seats cushioned and reserved for the ladys, and no sticking' pins into the elephant allowed. What Mr. Barnum don t kno about elephants won't pay enny man tew hunt up. Mr. Barnum haz seen the elephant oftner than enny man in Amerika. DEAR STURGISS: Pizon iz good for rats, but what rats are good for i kant tell. The rat iz a handy insekt, and kan liv enny whare that man kan liv. They will eat enny thing that they kan find, and they kan find enny thing that ain't lost forever. 8 The rat iz a kunning kritter untill he gits ]cetched, and then (just az it iz with a man) hiz kunning looks dredful phoolish. Kunning iz an accomplishment tew the animil kingdom, but kunning in a man should never be mistaken for wisduln. A wize man never resorts tew kunning, enny more than a r : sound man resorts tew a krutch. DEAR SEYMOUR': A hoss jockey iz a man who luvs a hoss for the fraud thare iz in him. He would rather cheat hiz own father in a hloss trade than not swap with him. He will swop a good hoss for a poor one, and pay the dif- ference, rather than not trade at all. He hangs around the village tavern, like ahiwayman, looking out for a dikker. MAIL MATTER. 559 Ie will spend more time in swopping an 18 dollar hoss for one that ain't worth enny more, than it would take tew ho out an aker and a quarter ov pertatoze. He talks hoss all day in the street, goes home, talks hoss till bed time, and then talks hoss, and rolls over in hiz sleep haff the nite. -He chews more tobacco, drinks more whiskee, and swares oftner than enny man in the township. If he stiks tew the bizness long enuff he gits so he kant' tell the truth about nothing, and when he dies, hiz assetts will just about pay an undertaker's and an auctioneer's fee. DEAR SAWYER : In answer tew yure letter i will inform yu that the aktual circulashun. ov the NEW YORK WEEKILY iz three hundred and forty-two thousand copies each week. Francis S. Street and Francis S. Smith are the sole owners and editors ov the paper, and they pay each year eighty thou- sand dollars tew their kontributors. The paper iz without doubt the best paying literary journal in Amerika, and its immense circulashun iz one ov the best evidences that kan be offered to prove that the matter in the paper iz unsurpassed. Your other questions in reference to the paper I am not at liberty to answer. DEAR STEVENS: Mi opinyun ov "Wimmin's Rights" iz, that the dear creatures will do jist about az they hav a mind. to, whether it iz right or not. Just now the dear creatures are anxious tew git hold ov the rudder ov affairs and run the masheen, but they will soon see the pholly and impossibility ov this, and fall bakinto the ranks. whare they belong. Divine Providence made man the capting, and tho he often may be a poor one, no one but the power that appointed him can supersede. But this iz a delikate subjekt for me to talk about, for I hav bin marrid now about 30 years and haint received my commission yet. Mi wife sez i make a fust rate lutenant and she knows. I would like tew be kapting ov our tug for twenty-four hours, just tew see how it did make a pbheller pheal. page: 560-561[View Page 560-561]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 560-561 560 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. DEAR STRONr : I liav no ear for musik, but i luv it, bekauze i kant help it. I luv tu arrive at sum kuntry hotel, tired, and amiable, and hav the musician ov the house start incontinently and mount the stool at once, and commense tew maul the keys ov sum old boney planner. Theartist ov the occashun iz sumtimes the landlord's son- useless for ennything else-a semi-tyrant in the family, lazy, 'just bekauze he knows how tew abuze an old, worn-out mahogany instrument, that klatters az tuneless az a pedlar's kart ov tin-ware, running away, with a blind boss. Sumtimes the artist iz the dauter of the lios, just hum from' her fust and last quarter at sum nabring femail akademy, alld then we hav opera musik, accompanied bi her bewitch- ful voice, which reminds one of a plaintive wild kazt wooing sum other kussid kat in the top ov a gum tree. I do luv this kind ov musik; it fires up mi soul, it hights up my spirit, it thaws oph mi ears, like the liquid sweetness ov a kracked dinner gong or the tender effushions ov a wood sawyer filing up hiz saw. I hav bin told bi good judges if i would kultivate mi ear i would learn how tew luv this pertikular kind ov musik, and i serpose also, ifi would kultivate mi palate i would learn how to appreshiate biled krow. But i persume i shall be just az happy if i don't never kno how biled kro duz handle for vittles. DEAR SUSAN: Yu tell me in yure letter that yure lover lhaz been kluss attentivfor two years, and yu aint enny nearer liss than yun waz when yu begun. This iz pesky bothersum. Thare aint no law nor gospel tew make a phello pop the question who aint on the pop, nor thare aint no science neither that won't vary. Science never ought to be resorted to only in desprate kases, but whare kourting bekums kronick, it iz allowable. No man haz a right tew kourt forever, i be darned if he haz. 'PETS. -561 I hav no doubt that kourting everages phuil az happy az gitting marrid, but we hav got, in this world, tew take the bitter with the sweet. Dear Susan, after yu hav exhausted all maidenly and hon- est efforts try melankolly-try histeriks-try a dekline, try going tew yure unkle's for a fornite and see if yure phello will phollo-talk about the other world, (i don't mean Eurupp, but whare the weary are, at rest)-try sich like things. If all theze things don't phetch a krisis and make the kittle bile, the last and only hope iz tew start a counter irritant in the shape ov another phello. If yu kant make yure lover jelous drop him like a kold per- tato; he aint worth trieing tew warm up. If he ever marrys yu it will be bekause he kant think ov enny thing else to do, and iz entirely out ov a job. Pardon the sincerity ov mi advice, dear Susan, and do jist az yu pleaze in the premisess. Adew. DEAR SMsGINs: I kant tell yu what will make yure mus- tash gro; suppoze yu tri lamp-ile; if that don't sprout it sup- poze yu tri a poultiss ov tan bark; if that don't jerk it sup- poze yu buy a ticket in sum gift lottery; and if that don't draw suppoze yu let it alone and go tew kultivating yure branes. I hav knu yung men few make a mark this way in the world who hadn't enny mark on their upper lip. 36: page: 562-563[View Page 562-563]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 562-563 PETS. rllHARE iz lots ov people who die ov old age, and haint got nothing else tew show that they hav ever lived. A lazy man iz a living corpse. It iz a brave man who iz willing tew die when hiz fortin iz at the highest. Life tew the mass ov mankind iz no better than entering the front door, and going out at the back door, and slamming the door behind them. The chances are that he who iz anxious tew live hiz life over again, iz the very one who haz spent it foolishy, and probably would do it again. I perfektly abhor det, and-i wish everyboddy else did. I never waz in det more than fifteen minnits in mi life None but the ill-bred ridikule the pekuliaritys ov others. A covetous man iz alwuss kontriving how he kan cheat himself out o;r sumthing more. Most people are honest for the sake ov keeping others honest. What chastity iz tew virtew, credit iz tew reputashun. A cunning man iz alwuss anxious tew cheat sum one else -a wize man iz satisfied if no one else cheats him. Deference iz dumb flattery. Thare iz 2 kinds ov kuriosity; one prompts a person tew find out things bekauze they are sekret, the other bekauze they may be useful. 562 . ' PETS. 663 Idle kuriosihy iz a moral itch. All things that we. need, we kan eazily git. It iz diskreshun, after all, that makes a man's ackomplish- ments and kapacity valuable-Ajax had the strength ov a bull, and acted like one. We are all dissatisfied with our condishun, but if each one ov us should change places with our nabor, we should want tew swop back tommorow. Elegant ackomplishments may make a woman admired bi the world, but it iz the domestik virtews that endear her tew her hussband. All kpolledge that duz not inkrease a man's virtew makes him theemore dangerous. Two enemies to one friend iz about the rite dose tew make a man sukcessful. Mankind make most all the ackcidents that happen. Thare are but phew men who kan influence others bi pre- cept, but there are none but what can do it bi example. The only sensible time tew be ltappy iz now; the grate bulk of humanity are going tew be happy week after next. Thare iz only one way tew tell the truth, but thare iz up- ward ov 75 ways tew tell the same lie. Epitaffs hav made more people famous than virtew ever haz. Fashion iz munny invested in clothes. It iz just az eazy tew pull up a weed bi the rutes a;z it iz tew kut it oph,-so it iz az eazy tew remove a vice az tew kor- rekt it. A flatterer alwus pretends tew beyure friend, and he duz resembel one, but he iz really no more like one than a hornet iz like a hunny bee. A haff bred man and a haff learned one are wuss oph than a clown or a phool. Two-thirds of the pitty in this world iz nothing more than a sekret satisfakshun that sumboddy is wuss ophl than we are. I kno ov people who, when they do yu a favor, do it just page: 564-565[View Page 564-565]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 564-565 * 641 VARIETY. az an old bull tarrier lets you pass in front ov hiz master's door,--with a growl. It iz only the hily eddikated and the very best bred people, that kan be familiar with each other, "'fa=;iaxity breeds kcontempt," amung the haff breeds. The wheel ov Fortune iz alwuss on the move, and we often lose to-mo-row what we win to-day. I hav aalwuss notissed that thare iz a grate deal ov good luk in indtstry, and a grate deal ov bad luk in lazyness. It iz az rare tew find a true friend az it, iz a dimond that has no flaw, and isn't oph culler. -Ie wlho iz every boddy's friend haint got time tew be enny boddys. Thare iz no true friendships amung loafers and skalawags, thare iz only intimicys. Thare iz no man living now days that kan tell the world enny thing new, the very best that a', modern writer kan do iz tew shine up old things. Solomon, seven thousand years ago, after plundering from thoze who had written before him, laments "that thareiz nothing nu under the sn." When I hear a man say c that he has got no friends," I kum tew the konklusion, rite oph, that he don't deserve enny. Don't tri tew make a friend out ov a weak man, it iz like trieing tew carry water in a sieve. One rezon whi happiness is so skarse in this world iz be- kause most people mistake plezzure for happiness. Trew generosity konsists in giving what you kan afford to thoze who deserve it. A}i yung friend, look out for them men who shut up one eye, and talk to yu with the other. Happiness seems to consist in - wanting nothing. Health will bring munny, but munny won't bring health. We may gro wizer az we gro older, but we never gro better. Thare iz this difference between honesty and honor- PETS. 56ti honesty supports a man's karakter, honor supports hiz reputashun. When hope dies in a man, he iz az dark inside az an old tin lantern, whoze kandel haz gone. out. A fop iz a konseited ass im p u d ent and brainless. Idleness iz one ov sin's brothers, and t i both are the devils t children. Death iz the c and only sure kure for la- zin ess and it takes a good deal ov t hat. it I hav been hunting : E for the last seven i years tew find out when mankind were comparatively virteu- { i i, ous, and i find that it waz just after the flood. I think a man should hav a leetle vinegar in hiz disposi- shun, just enuff tew keep the flies off. If every one could follow their own inklinashun, pretty soon thare wouldn't be but one fellow left in the world, and he would be hunting for some one tew prakltiss hiz inklina- -shun on. A phool iz like a hornet, he iz jist az like tew sting afriend az a pho. Man seems to be a budget ov habits. All our vices and all our virtews are habits. If men never cheated themselfs, it would be next tew im- possible for enny one else tew do it. I never yet-fished for a komnpliment, but what i kaught a giidgeon-served me right. The modern interpretashun of the celebrated maxim, "]/no t]yself" iz, "mind your own bizzness." page: 566-567[View Page 566-567]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 566-567 566 VARIETY. Tap sorrow -with a good honest laff and it will all run out. A' suspicious man iz alwuss an ignorant and generally a lazy one. The man who i dispize the most, iz the one who iz alwuss a hunting for a law suit; he iz allmost az meani az the one who iz anxious tew marry a woman for her munhy. The world iz phull ov punishments for vice, -but the rewards for virtew are phew. The most ridikilus sight i kno ov iz a lazy man in a hur- ry. He iz az phull ov bizzness az a loafing pissmire when the clouds betoken a storm. Men are strong just in proporshun az they kan do one thing well, and weak just in proporshun that they kan do menny things indifferently. He that luvs little children cannot be a very bad man. About all that we kan say ov most men iz that they are lively dirt. What little i kno ov other people, i hav found out by studdying miself. Good manners is simply good natur polished up brite. Marriage iz a lottery (authorized bi the State) in which every one iz suppozed tew draw a prize. A competency may be defined az the amount a man iz con. paetent tew git. Fame, tew a ded man, iz ov just about az, mutch importanse az a legacy. It iz the want ov merit that makes a man bashful, and it iz too mutch merit that makes him modest. One ov the gratest plezzures in this life, iz to hav plenty to do, and then do it. Ov the two, i had rather see an old horse that haz got kon- siderable ov the colt, than to see a colt with too mutch old horse in him. Genuine oratory iz simplicity; but it iz simplicity wrought out with the highest art. A pedant iz a party who haz found out, somehow, that 2 DEDBEAT, AND HS FRIENDS. 567 and 2 make four, and iz alwuss anxious tew impress every one he meets with the importanse and solemnity of' the phakt. Tew be able tew treat pholks with familiarity, and still retain their respekt, iz sum pumpkins. Philosophy seems tew be the art ov taking all things just az they cum, and when they git reddy tew go, let them went, without any phuss. If a man drops an orange peel on the sidewalk, "shoot Aim on the spot!" - DEDBEAT, AND HS FRIENDS. TIE deadbeat is an individual who trades upon another persons capital. They are common tho all grades ov society, from the seedy loafer, klear up tew the sanktified gentleman, with a standing kut collar, and a nekti stiff and white as perfekshun. Sumtimes they liv entirely upon their necessitys, and at others, seem tew praktiss the profeshun more tew display the eleganse ov their genius than for enny thing else. They are possessed ov every grade of kapacity, from no branes at all, to more than they kno what to do with. They occupy a posishun a leetle more respektabel than a kommon thief, and a good deal less respektabel than a hiway- man. The dedbeat, in point of average humanity iz the meanest, and the most debilitated, ov all the scum that rizes tew tha surface ov sosiety. They work harder tew make themselfs detested than they 'would hav to, to be respected bi every boddy. They hav no friends that they wont defraud, and ar az mutch a terror tew others, and a kalamity tew themselfs, as a mad dog at large. They liv upon the disasters and krednlitys ov human natur, and tho more dastardly at heart than a common pickpocket, page: 568-569[View Page 568-569]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 568-569 568 VARIETY. often liv out a whole life bi the force ov their genius with no wus a stain than a doubtful reputashun. Thare aint no artifice nor philosophy that will protekt us from the low kunning and brazen impudense ov the dedbeat. He iz a nitemare and a walking pestilence at noon-tide. He works hiz way into the konfidense ov others az slimy az a snaik, and when he gits thare dont hesitate tew feed upon the most rare and sakred fruits he kan find. He iz a kommon enemy; that every one abhors, and no one kan protekt himself against. The ruff tyranny ov a bully, the koarse overreachings ov a blatant, knave, the refinled fraud ov all open villain, the krush- ing defeat ov a bold operator at worst, oftimes often wounds our vanity, or awakes our suprise, but the sneaking dedbeat whoze grate ambishun seems tew be a loafer in petty plunder always excites our horror and arouzes our feelings ov ven- geance. . The dedbeat iz a human hyena who hunts the helpless liv- ing, and digs up the buried ded, he iz lost to all shame upon earth, and to all salvashun hereafter. The wolf iz one ov the meanest specimens ov animated natur, but when he puts on a sheep's clothing he robs liimself ov hiz own courage and steals a weakness to hide a filthy wickedness in. All men abhor the dedbeat; he iz lower down than the angle-worm, who burrows in the ground and feeds upon dirt. Thare ain't no man upon earth but what haz been sumtime beat bi theze morbid vermin. They are the lice ov Egipt, and the murrain of old. They curm upon yu in yure sad and tender moments with the stealthy tred ov a bed-bug. In yure hour ov triumph they stand reddy tew steal yure laurels, and when despair envelops yu like a kloud, they discover the signal from afar, and cum trooping up, like the nasty buzzard, tew fatten upon the corpse. Thare aint no retorik vivid enuff to paint theze devils, only in water colors.- Thare aint no anathemas that can THE SHYSTER. 569 reach'to the bitterness of truth. -Thare aint no logick that kan make them see themselfs as others see them. The dedbeat livs out hiz days, the only kreature we kno ov, without any konshunce, and never tew feal the impulse ov a manly liope., He dies finally, and goes whare the virtewous dont, for he kant, with all his maliss and kunninz, beat death nor the devil. THE SHYSTER. The shyster iz a loose cross between the Jeremy Didler and the dedbeat, and iz more partikularly known az a cheap lawyer, who hangs around the arenas of justiss, a pest tew all who know him, and a downright misfortin tew thoze who dont. He iz alwuss on hand tew help the unfortunate out ov one disaster into a wuss one, and dont hesitate tew take the last shilling ennybody haz got, as pay for services that. he knows he kant render. He is a vehement liar and a prating cheat, all decent law- yers dispize him, and a judge dreds him as he duz a drove ov hungry flies in a hot and fetid court-room. A shyster iz a kind of yello dog amung humans, sneaking around the korners for a bone. He knoze just enuff about law tew git a man into its meshes, but never enuff tew git him out, and never got a fee yet that hadn't the smell ov dishonor in it. He never gits abuv a shabby gentility in hiz appearance, and would make a very good walking advertizement to parade in front ov a second-hand clothing consarn. The shyster is alwuss az poor az he iz dishonest, and when he gits (,ld and fairly gone to seed, it takes all the kunning he iz master ov tew git hiz klam soup, and hiz ockashunal luxury ov cheap whisky. I kno sevral ov this infamous breed of kritters; I kan kall up tew mi vishion at enny time their shiny blak suits, their unlighted stumps ov cigars, their kold, glassy eyes, their pinched cheeks and their general hungryness. page: 570-571[View Page 570-571]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 570-571 570 VARIETY. If i waz in a tite spot, and must hlave help, i had mutch rather meet a highwayman than one of theze wretches. Hiwaymen are often. generous, have been known tew be tender, seldum are mean, buta shyster iz certainly the most bi tter 'ov all blisters. THE SHNNER. 2 The shinnor iz a phello- bein ho ha too mutch capasity for whiz condishun. He duz all that him e duiz on the run and i alwuss just 15 minnits too late. generally honest enut, just bekauze he iz kare- but iz no grate credit tew the principle. Thare are but phew who work harder than the shinner, and none who hav less in the end to show for it. The shinner iz az untiring az the hound on trak. He iz alwuss in sight ov the fox, but never cums up with him; if he duz it io find thatme ha holed, and he duz, it iz to find that the game haz holed, and he iz lef out in the kold. BRED AND BUTTER. HE who dont keep hiz sekret iz unwize, but he who trusts hiz happiness tew another iz a downright phool. This haz alwus bin the rule, and alwus will be-no man iz grate unless he iz good. BRED AND BUTTER. 571 Thare iz more weak men in this world than thare iz wicked ones. I luv tew see a leetle dash ov coquetry in a woman; it iz kind ov natral tew them, and then it makes a man less afrade ov them, and at the same time- more polite. The man who knows how and when tew ackt, knows enuff. Manner iz more powerfull than matter-espeshily in a monkey. Gravity iz a kind ov misterious wisdum. Fine writing konsists in gitting the most thought into the shortest and simplest form. Thare iz only a phew men in this world whoze opinyuns I venerate, and yu, mi friend, are one ov them. Thare are pholks who had rather be hated than loved, and I for one don't beleave in trieing tew convinc6 sutch pholks ov their mistake. When a kunning man gits kaught he is like a fox in a trap, he haint got no friends. Old age haz but phew friends, and iz liable tew loze them at enny time. Nusepaper kriticks never made enny reputashun for a man yet, nor robbed him ov enny. He who don't luv himself vents hiz spleen bi hating every- boddy else. If we listen tew the diktakes ov our conshience and reazon it iz allmost impossible for us tew be rong. It iz the little things ov this life that stir us up so mutch; thare iz 10 chances ov being stung bi a hornet whare thare aint one ov being stept on bi an elephant. When fear takes the place ov hope in a man he needn't expekt tew be enny more miserable in this life. We often meet people whom we think are richer than we are, and even more intelligent, but we seldum meet thoze whom we think are happier-this iz nice, aint it? I hav seen men who waz too lazy tew set in a boat and fish; they hadn't presence ov mind enuff tew bate a hook. I would like tew be a boy agin, on one condishun, that i could forgit what little I kno now. page: 572-573[View Page 572-573]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 572-573 572 VARIETY. Fame iz a ladder, a hard thing tew klimb up, but eazy enuff to klimb down. Thorobred people are never exclusiv; all that it requires tew gain their kurtesy and konfidense iz to deserve it. Adversity makes pigmys out of giants, and giants out ov pigmys. A bright and good-natured old man iz like a sunny day in winter. Buty, without branes, iz nothing more than a gaudy piktur. Luv kan't liv on buty; it must hav sum hash, or it will fade and di. Wit seldum makes a man laff when he fust hears it, but when he cums tew think ov it, it often duz. Tolthe man who thinks, a citty iz a solitude. It iz eazy enuff tew alter things, but it iz hard enuff tew korrekt them. The man whoze whole stok ov knolledge iz drawn from books, will often phind himself at the forks ov a road whare thare ain't no gide board. Thoze who hav the most merit see the most in others. It iz impossible for a grate man tew eskape censure-every boddy is anxious to git a krak at an eagle. Cerimonys are a sort ov manuel for phools tew regulate their kondukt by. Good sense and good breeding are fruits that gro on the same bush. The man who iz waiting tew be happy will next year at this time be waiting still. Cheerfullness makes the plainest features butiful, the se- verest winter agreeable; it- elevates the lowly, and adds a charm tew grateness, all its own. The wizer a man bekums, the more he pheals hiz depend- anse. Kontentment iz like a ghost, a dredful eazy thing tew talk about, but a dredful hard thing tew see. Thare iz no man so necessary in this world, but that when he dies hiz plase iz quickly filled, and he iz soon forgotten. MARK TWAIN. 573 Every man haz hiz weak points, but thare iz this difference wize men are anxious tew hide theirs, while phools are anxious not to. The only way tew git along phast is tew git along slo. Thiz world iz phull ov grunters, but very phew grunt be- kauze they are obliged tew. Complasance iz the sweet ile ov every day life. Natur dont put on enny airs. The most dangerous men we hav in this world are thoze who are alwus repenting ov the sins they hav made up their mind tew commit. ' Conshunce iz nothing more. nor less than the genius ov reazon. Thare iz this diffrence between living in the city and kuntry -in the city yu kan attend to yure own bizzness, in the kuntry yu kan hav it attended tew for yu. MARK TWAIN. Among the most valued of our private correspondents is Mark Twain. We received a letter of love from him lately, and we see no harm in making some extracts from it, and laying them before our readers. The letter is strictly a private one, but we admire Mark so much that we don't think he will be angry at us if we make public property of a portion of it. Listen: DEAR JOSH:--I think a very great deal of you, as a per- sonal friend, of long standing; I admire you as a philos- opher; I actually revere you as almost the only specimen remaining with us, of a species of being 'that used to be common enough-I mean an honest man. Therefore you can easily believe that if I don't write the paragraphs you desire for your department of the paper, it is not because thare is any lack in me of either the will or the willingness to do it. No, it is only because my present literary contracts, and understandings, debar me. page: 574-575[View Page 574-575]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 574-575 S74 : VARIETY. I am thus debared for three years to come. But after that-however, you wouldn't want to wait, perhaps. I wish we could compromise; I wish it would answer for you to write one of these books, for me, while I write an almanac for you. But this will not do, because I cannot abide your spelling. It does seem to me that you spell worse every day. Sometimes your orthography makes me frantic. It is out of all reason that a man, seventy-five years of age, should spell as you do. Why do you not attend a night-school? You might at least get the hang of the easy words. I am sending you a primer by this mail which I know will help you, if you will study it hard. Now is the most favorable time you have had in seventy years, now that you are just entering your second childhood. It ought to come really easy to you. Many people believe that in the dominion of natural history, you stand without a peer. It is acknowledged on all sides that you have thrown new light on the mule, and also on other birds of the same family; that you have notably augmented the world's admiration of the splendid plumage of the kangaroo-or possibly it might have been the cockatoo--but I know it was one of those bi- valves, or the other; that you have uplifted the hornet, and given him his just place among the flora of our country; and that you have aroused an interest never felt before, in every fur-bearing animal, from the occult rhinoceros clear down to the domestic cow of the present geologic period, These researches ought not to die; but what can you ex- peet? Yale University desires to use them as text books in the natural history department of that institution, but they can- not stand the spelling. You will take kindly what I am saying; I only wish to make you understand'that even the profoundest science must 'WHTE MOUNTAINS. 575 perish and be lost to the world, when it is couched in such inhuman orthography as yours. Even the very first word in your annual is an atrocity; "Allminax " is no way to build that word. I can spell better than that with my left hand. In answer to your other inquiry I say no, decidedly. You can't lecture on -"Light" with any success. Tyndall has used up that subject. And I think you ought not to lecture on /"Nitro-Glycer- ine, with Experiments "--the cost of keeping a coroner under salary would eat up all the profits. Try "Readings "-they are all the rage now. And yet how can you read acceptably when you cannot even spell right? An ignorance so shining and conspicuous as yours-Now I have it-go on a jury. That is your place. Your friend, MARK TwAIN. WHTE IMOUNTAINS. ' ff3"SHELBJU3NE, N. T. HERE i am. I amn setting down square, and leaning bak hard, in the dearest little basin ov land yu ever saw, right at the feet ov Maria (N-ulgarily called Mount Moriah). I am pausing at the "Winthrop House," a modest little temprance hotel-the only spirits here is pure kold water, and kerosene ile-whiskee and gass; thank the Lord, have not found. their way yet teu these scenes of quiet and inno- sense. Mount Maria lifts up her gory hed, just bak of the little hotel, forty-five hundred feet, and shakes her locks in the sweeping gale. I am phull of peace and phun. I cum here for absolute rest, and I have found lier, it is as pure and still here, as the morning, or the fust sabbath on earth. page: 576-577[View Page 576-577]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 576-577 576 -VARIETY. The only noisy thing here is the roosters; they begin teu holler at four o'clock in the morning, and are not troubled with the brownkreetis, for their matin song is as crisp as the throat of a kiccalo flute. How still it is here,- it seems as tho every pulse in mi boddy, and even mi soul itself; had shut up its eyes, and gone to roost. I am as happy as a yung maiden, with her. fust nu bon- net. Yesterday a stranger made his appearanse here; whare he cum from i don't kno, and whare he is gone to, i don't kare, and he asked me if i had herd ov the grate scientifick dis- kovery that had jist been made. I was so quiet and happy, so still and satisfied, that i wouldn't even ask him what the wonderful diskovery was. He continued bi telling me that it had been recently proved that the earth was square, and not round, and asked me what i thought of it. I bent mi languid. eyes upon the man, and sed, gently, i will hav no argument with no man, now; i am resting, i don't kare a kuss whether the earth iz square, oblong, or 3 kornered, i giv it up; dont disturb me. He looked a look at me that waz kompozed entirely ov wonder and pitty, and went from me sideways, haff-reluktant and haff-disgusted. I am phull ov stillness, and no man nor no woman shall ripple its surface. I am at the feet ov Mount Maria, a huge mountain, hi and hoary, reaching from earth allmost tew heaven, bilt whole and placed here bi the grate and good Jehovah, and no man must git between me and this work of the All- mighty. I adore a mountain; it iz so solid and so still. When i set down at the foot ov a mountain, i am filled with humility and penitence, for i kno that no human in- genuity nor hands kould hav made it, but when i walk the crowded avenues ov the sitty, and gaze upon the gaudy piles WHTE MOUNTAINS. 5" ov masonry, luxurious abodes ov the ritch, i am puffed up with vanity, for man, mi brother, made theze things, and man iz nothing more than a 2 legged lump ov , \ I vanity and self-luv. "'a ad Sutcl btutter az i t h o F git here, golden wax, az sweet az honey and az helthy aza a lo onions. ii Sutch bread az i n i git here, az light az foam, and az white az the sno on the top ov Mount Washing- ton. Sutch trout az i ketch hlere, yester- a day, 34: ov them found their way into mi phisl-basket, little spotted, sparkling butys, az phatt and az brittle az a tallo kandle in the-nonth ov February. Dear editors ov the NEW YOREK WEEKLY, i am az free from kare- az a yerling heifer, and az phull ov faith and thankfulness az a skool boy who haz jist bin whipt for sum misdemenor and got fairly over the smarting. I think now that i shall stay in this still spot for a month, and then pitch into the mountains and mix with the tourists who will then throno, the places ov resort., When i cum bak tew New York, i would like to bring a mountain with me, and sho it under canvass, at 50 cents a gaze, but i kant. Sutch air az i breathe here, az thin az ether, and az phnll ov tone az a brandy cocktail. Sutch wild flowers az i gather here, not so fragrant, but so mild and simple, so modest and frail. They gro rite at the foot' ov the mountain, and aint afraid r s S7 page: 578-579[View Page 578-579]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 578-579 578 VARIETY. the grate giant ov rok and forest will step on them, they are phull ov peace and phaith. Siltch bird notes az i listen to here, not the stinted musik ov the caged prisoner, but away up on the highest spindle ov the maple, in front ov the little hotel, each morning and evening a robin red-breast ballances hiz swaying form, and throwing hiz led back' like a primma donner, opens hiz throat, half way down hiz boddy, and sings tew the mountain, and to the God who made it. Oh, mi dear friends ov the NEW YOIK WEEKnLY, if you could only hear this song, this song ov freedum, this song ov praze, you would envy this red-breasted worshipper. It iz 14 miles from here to the "Glen House," and 22 to the top ov Mount Washington, which iz az higll up as yu kan git bi land in Amerika, this side ov the Pacific coast. I intend tew stand on the top ov Mount Washington, be- fore i cum bal, and thank God for the privilege, and look down to the gulff of Mexiko, and see wlat iz going on thare. A half mile from whare i am writing this letter, i kan stand and see the huge drifts ov snow shining in the gorges ov the grate hills like melted silver. Here iz the place tew liv, only think ov it, board T dollars a week, water az pure az nektar, and half trout at that, air az stiff as rum and tanzy, and a mountain tew look at for nothing. Next to Heaven, I worship a mountain. The man- who couldn't liv here, and lay up munny, and lay in joy and satisfackshun, ought tew be turned out loose into the world, and be hunted down by the mission- arys. Don't send me enny papers, don't send me any periodi- kals, don't even send me the NEW YORK WEEKLY, nor the Atlantik Monthly, nor Harper's, nor nothing tew read. I am where logic is a phool, and science a dwarf-where the silver bounding brooks are phull ov sermons and sentiment, ,and whare every phull plumaged tree iz a serial ov romanse and novelty, founded on fakt. WHtTE MOUNTAINS. 579 I kan learn more here in one week, and enjoy more, all alone with natur the skoolmarm, than I could, in a whole year up to my chin in the best library in the world. XM/i wife iz with me. She sings and I whissell, and then we take turns looking at the grate mountain. Thare iz now a grate shaddo creeping along up its sides like a live thing-now it haz gone, for the sun has cum- laff- ing out from under a kloud. This iz what I call phun, it kosts nothing, and for this very reazon, there iz lots ov pholks kant see enny joy in it. The very best things that kind Hleaven gives us, she givs without munny and -without price. To git away from the roar and klatter ov yure grate city, and cum here, and set still, and not think ov enny thing, where the loudest sounds yer kan hear iz the early rooster- and the twittering swallow at noon time. This iz what I call magnificent happiness on a half shell. The people who liv here are like the hardy evergreens, which are firm rooted on the mountain side. They luv their home, and could not be transplanted-they luv theze grand old uplands, and feel safe beneath their shaddows. They dont lock their doors here tew guard aginst thiev- ing miskreants, and every one yu meet looks and ackts az tho he had alwuss known yu and yure father before yu. I would like tew liv here always, and would do it if i waz pure enuff, but i hav got the world's taint upon me, and must go back again and mix with the bustle and fuss ov life, and strut mi days out, and kall things bi thare rong names az others do. Dear editors, i would like tew ask yu tew cum up and see me, but i am afrade to, i am afrade yu would want few talk too mutch, i arm afrade yu would hav sumthing tew say about bizzness, and this would curdle mi sweet milk. Mi cream iz now rising, and i dont want tew be disturbed. How still and how pleazed i am. Not more than one waggon goes bi our littel hotel for a whole day, and they drive az still as they kan. page: 580-581[View Page 580-581]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 580-581 580 VARIETY. The dogs lay upon the porches ov the farm houses in eazy slumbers, and would mutch rather wag their tails than their tungs at the passing stranger. Sutch fresh eggs az i git here, layed and cackled over, in the afternoon, and et the next morning, and sutch honey too, pure and limpid az file. Trout are not plenty here, but are plenty enuff. I had mutch rather hav tew work hard tew ketch 40, than tew ketch 200 with eaze. When the sun sets behind the big mountain, the cows cumr home with aching udders, and stand, chewing their cuds, waiting tew be milked. At nine in the evening, every eye in the naberhood iz i hooded with sleep; and long before the sun shines in the 4 morning, breakfast iz eaten, and the men take up their eazyJ labors. i This iz life at Shelburne, at the feet of Mount Maria. This iz life in the country, and tew enjoy it a man must make up hiz mind tew keep still. It iz no place here for a wrangler or a pedant; thare iz! nothing but mountains all around here, and the blu heavens [ abuv, and noboddy but a phool would argy with them. Mount Maria, just bak ov our little tavern, kan out-angry the gratest philosopher in the world. This little town ov Shelburne, whare i -am now living so X still and so happy, iz on the Grand Trunk Rail Road, about ? 90 miles north-west from Portland, and 200 miles from Mon- treal. The swift Andriskoggin, with its dark flood, encircles one side ov the village. Thare iz only six houses here, and the only bizzness con- cern iz a- blacksmith shop, now vakated and marked, "To Let," i am glad ov this. Six miles abuv us iz the village of Gorham, from which point the stage road leads into the mountains, it being 8 miles to the Glen House. and 15 to the fip top ov Mount Washington. NATRAtL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS. 581 Muskeeters are skarse here now, and judgeing from the cool air that cums down from the mountain, i don't think it would pay tew raze them. Thare iz only one doktor in theze parts, and he drives on the run looking for a job. I am happy tew state that he gets a dredful poor living. NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS. TATUR furnishes all the noblemen we hav. She holds the pattent. Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually grater than he iz, than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in making hifmi aktually taller. Thiz iz a lard plakt for sum tew learn. This mundane earth iz thik with male and femail ones, who think they are grate, bekauze their ansesstor waz luckey in the sope or tobacco trade, and altho the sope liaz run out sum time since, they try tew phool themselves and other folks with the slds. Sope suds iz a prekarious bubble. Thare ain't n: thing so thin on the ribs az a-sope suds aris- tokrat. When the world stands in need ov an aristokrat, natur pitches one into it, and furnishes him papers without enny flaw in them. Aristokrasy kant be transmitted, natur sez so, in the papers. Titles are a plan got up bi humans tew assist natur in pro- mulgating aristokrasy. Titles aint ov enny more real use or nesessity than dog collars are. I hav seen dog collars that kost 3 dollars on dogs that want worth, in enny market, over 87 1-2 cents. This iz a grate waste ov collar, and a grate damage tew the dog. page: 582-583[View Page 582-583]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 582-583 582 VARIETY. Natur don't put but one ingredient into her kind ov aris- tokrasy, and that iz virtew. She wets up the virtew sumtimes with a little pepper sass, just tew make it lively. She sez that all other kinds are false, and i beleave natur. I wish every man and woman on earth waz a bloated aris- tokrat, bloated with virtew. Earthly manufaktured aristokrats are made principally out ov munny. Forty years ago it took about 85 thousand dollars tew make a good-sized aristokrat, and innokulate hiz family with the same disseaze, but it takes now about 600 thousand tew throw the partys into fits. Aristokrasy, like all other bred stuffs, haz riz. \ It don't take enny more virtew tew make an aristokrat now, nor clothes, than it did in the daze ov Abraham. Virtew dont vary. Virtew iz the standard ov values. " Clothes aint. \ Titles aint. A man kan go barefoot and be virtewous. and be an aris- tokrat. Diogoneze waz an aristokrat. Hiz brown stun front waz a tub, and it want on end at that. Moneyed aristokrasy iz very good to liv on in the present hi kondishun ov kodphish and wearing apparel provided yu see the munny, but if the munny kind ov tires out and don't reach yu, and yu dont git ennything but the aristokrasy, yu hav got to diet, that's all. I kno ov thousands who are-now dieting on aristokrasy. They say it tastes good. I presume they lie without knowing it. Not enny ov this sort ov aristokrasy for Joshua Billings. I never should think ov mixing munny and aristokrasy together; i will take mine seperate, if yu pleze. I dont never expekt tew be an aristokrat, nor an angel; i dont kno az i want tew be one. NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOlRATS. 583 I certainly should make a miserable angel. I certainly never shall hav munny enuff tew make an aris, tokrat. Raizing aristokrats iz a dredful poor bizzness, yu dont never git yjure seed back. A DEMOCRATIC ORATOR. One demokrat iz worth more tew the world than 60 thou-. sand manufaktured aristokrats. An Amerikan aristokrat iz the most ridikilus thing in market. They are generally ashamed ov thleir ansestors, and, if they hav enny, and liv long enuff, they generally hav cauze few be ashamed ov their posterity. I kno ov sevral familys in Amerika who are trieing tew page: 584-585[View Page 584-585]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 584-585 584 VARIETY. liv on their aristokrasy. The money and branes giv out sum time ago. It iz hard skratching for them. Yu kan warm up kold potatoze and liv on them, but yu kant warm up aristokratik pride and git even a smell. Yu mite az well undertake tew raze a krop ov korn in a deserted brik yard by manuring the ground heavy with tan bark. BUTY AND TIE BEASTS. BOSTON, ***, 1873. IRED mi lektur here last night, at Tremont Temple, to seventeen hundred souls. The aujience waz a perfekt suckeess. The title ov the lectur waz "Buty and the Beasts.' I took the part of "Buty" and filled it quite as well as could be expekted. Yu never hav herd, this lektur, and i will giv yu a sinop- ciss ov it. The lektur begins by opening with that most marvelous ov all bugs, the pensive cockroach. I talki about this pet ov the family circle in the most en- dearing manner. I tell mi phello-citizens all about hiz familiar natur, hiz placid progress, az he steals out ov hiz retreat, and halts az he goes, lost in abstrackshun. I tell them ov hiz marvellous innosense, hiz phond aspir- ashuns, and hiz prolifick tendencys. During the recital ov hiz memoirs, the most mirakulus sus- pense pervades the whole mass in front ov me; they seem rapt in panefull thought, their souls kreep up into their ears, and they forgit even to wink. The scene iz sublime. From the cockroach i plunge boldly forth, and relate, in spirit-stirring language, the pedigree of the rooster. BEAUTY AND THE BEASTS. 585 Here I let mi genius revel like an unbroke colt. I take the bits out ov her mouth, and sticking in the spurs, ride tumultuous az a ghost. I talk rooster for about 10 minnits az man never talked rooster before. The aujience ketch phire az i proceed, and sitch crowing and offering tew fight enny boddy yu never see the likes. By the most natral and eazy transishun ever attempted bi enny orator who haz trod the didaktik boards at this point, i introduce tew the spektators an original and delikately tinted essay on kissing. Here i am to hum agin. What i don't kno about kissing iz tasteless. It would make your mouths weep, dear editors, to hear me tell how a kiss tastes. I deskribe the whole thing so natral that yu kan hear the smak. This i konsidder a grate moral and phizzikal triumph. From kissing i switch oph onto things that kreep, and strike the trail ov the angle worm. I diskribe hiz life and adventures, and handle this small snaik with the judgement and tenderness ov a parent. I relate hiz trials, hiz persekushuns, hiz temptashuns, and hiz final viktory. Here iz whare i draw tears. Oh! if yu could only hear me talk angleworm, yu would pat me on the bak, cry "Bully for Billings!" and raize mi salary. No other man on arth kan talk angleworm az i do, and mean one haff he sez. Next cums the pizon snaik. In this part ov mi lektur I looze all control ov miself, and go headlong -for the snaix. I hate snaix wuss than a woman duz. The aujience gaze at me, and I gaze at the aujience, and neither ov us seem tew kno what the other thinks about the lectur. page: 586-587[View Page 586-587]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 586-587 586 VARIETY. At this point some ov the spectators leave. They kant tell exactly what iz the matter ov them, and so they adjourin. After stripping'the snaik ov all his glory, and leaving him for ded, I bring in the gentle goose. I talk about the gentle goose jist as tho I had known hiln from a goslin, and the aujience are often herd to say, in their extacys: "What a goose! The goose iz a tuff animal tew handle for common, but in mi hands he iz like a lamb led tew the slaughter. It would, dear editors, make yu pheal proud ov mi ac- quaintanse tew hear me talk goose. No sooner haz the goose had her dose than in hops the smartest wild phowl in the whole feathered range ov ani- mated natur, I mean bi this the flippant flea. For about 5 minutes I parade this insex, and tell the sway- ing and surging mass ov intelekt before me more nuze than they ever herd before. I talk flea so mutch, and so natral, that one halff mi hear- ers gro oneazy in their seats, and aktually think they have got a flea on them. This iz what i call the sublimity ov dramatik power. At this point sum more ov the multitude begin tew flea from the hall. I alwus repeat to thoze that are leaving the skriptural ift- juncshun, "The wicked flea when no man perseweth." This remark iz alwus received with profound admiration and silence. But i suppoze the fakt iz that they pheal az tho they hav had the worth of their money and are too polite and honest toew set and take enny more. Honesty iz the best policy; thoze who hav tried both ways say so. After the flea haz bin put through a course ov sprouts i bring in the monkey. The monkey iz one ov mi best kards, and i tell the congregation that the monkey sprung from the man) and konsequently iz one ov our poor relashuns. BUTY AND THE BEASTS. 587 This makes sum ov them mad, but i don't kare; i lekture for cash, not for opinyuns. Just az soon az i git thru with the monkey i let him went, and bi partiklar request read mi soul-stirring essa on "Jersey Lightning." After reading this subdueing rapsody large numbers ov thoze remaining rize in their seats and offer tew jine the pledge. Ov course, i kant tend tew this, but i alwus giv them an order on sum tempranse sosiety and pass on tew notice. Now cums the festive clam, and ov him i diskourse sweetly, and dont hesitate tew tell all who are listening that he iz the most muskalar ov all meat known tew nat- ralists. This speech shocks the nerves ov the' hily edukated, and they leave in large numbers. After order haz been restored, the next bug i brag about iz the hornet,- sudden, and sharp- pointed. Here iz another chance for me tew let mi genius rave, and i let her rave. This essa on the hornet haz made me immortal. Mi name will go down tew the fewter, coupled with the hornet. We will be twins in posterity. Just az soon az the crowd in front ov me git enuff hornet, it would pleze yu tew see the happy way i have in trotting out the crow. I dwell on the crow az a being given tew theft, and not delishus tew broil. Mi remarks on this dusky foul hav been called mi happi- est efforts, but i dont think so. I haint never dun mi best in -the lektring bizzness. Next in suit comes the fox, whom i stile the Beau Brum- mel ov the forest, and cluss upon him in comes the coon. I frolick with the coon, for i luv him, until the aiujience (sum skattering fu ov them) looze all holt on their dekoram, and bust into lafter. Now i am happy az a bridegroom, for i alwuss did luv ]after at mi expense. page: 588-589[View Page 588-589]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 588-589 588 VARIETY. Bi particular request i read now mi selebrated paper on Tite Boots. This iz a truly scientiffick effort, and iz did in mi very best shape, to win. This part of the lektur iz a leetle weighty, az i devote mi powers entirely tew argument, and rea/zon rite strate at the bull's eye. Menny ov thoze present drop oph into a gentle slumber while i am at the boots, and forget all their trubbles. This shows the grate konfidense they hav in me as a lek- turer; they kno that i will do the subjek justiss, without enny ov their help. The cherub Fly cums buzzing in next, and the remnant ov thoze that are left in the hall are wide awake in a min- nitt. I say a grate deal about the Fly that i hav mi doubts about, but the subjekt is a prolifick one. It iz hard work tew tell all yu kno about them and keep within the truth, or. keep the truth within yu. Thare iz so menny Flys filiing around looze, that if a lek- turer duz happen tew lie a little about them, cum tew average it, it don't cum very tuff on enny particular one fly. We hav now reached the Kat, one ov the most unfath- omable reptiles, that kreep, or krawl, for phun or for proffit. All mi reserve powers are brought into ackshun here, but they aint enuff for the Kat. Thare ain't no man, nor no plummet, that kan fathom a kat. They are more misterious than a ghost, and harder tew translate than the Chineese religion. The lektur winds up with the Kodphish, a skaly konklu- shun. I am sound on the kodphish. I hav studdyed them in their briny vaults, on the under side ov the oshun, and i hav studdyed them mixt with potatoze, and run into bawls. BILLINGS' PROVERBS. 5.89 They are a hard animal tew beat, biled fresh or cooked psalt. They are vittles and drink, espeshily drink. Dear editors ov the NEW YORK WEEKLY, yu ought tew hear this lektur on "Buty and the Beasts," it is interspersed with chunks of wisdum, it iz freskoed with flours ov rhet- orick, it iz rendered with all the graces ov oratory, and -it descends upon an aujience like a jentle mildew. (' Buty and the Beasts " iz a lektur that enny man mite be proud ov, except me, i am too modest to ever amount tew mutch. Modesty iz mi besetting pizon. It iz killing me bi inches. Yures, while i du last, JOSH BILLINGS. BTLLTNGS' P ROVERBS. THARE are but phew things a man duz in this life, be they good, bad, or indifferent, but what kan be traced to self-luv. Rozes and thorns gro on the same bush-and kluss to- gether. What kan yu say of a man wuss than tew call him a hip- okrit-and a tyrant? . Flattery iz a poor artikle to deal in,bekauze there iz no man who iz worthy of it but what dispizes it. It iz eazyer tew make 2 men who are in the right change their minds, that it iz one who iz in the wrong. It don't pay to be a prophet; if you hit right people will doubt it, and if yu hit wrong they will dam it. When it cums tew making proselites, the devil understands ]liz biziness better than enny one i kno ov. Jist az soon az a man lozes all hiz property, then we all ov us reckolekt at once that he waz alwuss a kussid phool. The man who iz humble in prosperity and brave in adver- page: 590-591[View Page 590-591]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 590-591 590 VARIETY. sity iz az mutch abuv the reach of fortune az an angel iz abuv temtashun. -Proverbs are literature on the haff shell. I hav 2 hats. One iz a shocking bad one and the other iz a gem, and i notiss when i hav the gem on i git double the nods, on the avenue, from pedestrians. Thare iz lots ov folks who are no use kew yu only when yn are on the topmost iave, and then their voices are lost in the general chorus. Wimmin are not all coquets, but thare never waz one yet who didn't luv to be calldone. Take all the vanity and selphishness out ov a man, and thare aint mutch ov anything else left. Good clothes make the impreshun, but they don't make the man. ' I have got a pattent rite way tew induce people tew be happy. It iz this, make everyboddy think they are better oph than yu are. After all, the world pays their gratest homage to virtew and branes-thank God for this. Thare are certain things in this world that are bound tew win, i don't kare what trumps are. A man may hav branes and yet not make a hit, but he kant make a hit unless he haz the branes. I dont want tew be left alone with an Atheist; mi fust feeling iz fear that lightning will strike both ov us; when that subsides i am filled with anger. It iz kind ov phunny that the more christianized the world bekums, the more laws, and offisers of the law, we hav tew hav. It ought tew kure enny ov us ov pride and ambishun when we reflekt that the grave dnz not more effektually hide our boddy than it duz our memoriz. He iz ritch whoze welth satisfys hiz wants, and he iz poor whoze welth dont. Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that a kold time haz on the arly grain, it checks it at the top, and makes it take root. f ' BILLINGS' PROVERBS. 591 Ridikule haz no power aginst truth, and it wont hav aginst phollv unless it iz honestly and smartly did. Take the people all out ov it, and "this world would be a delitefull plase to liv. A man lost tew shame iz no wuss than a brute. A woman lost tew shame iz no better than a fiend. The only way tew convince a phool iz to outtalk him. Satire that iz se'azonable and just iz often more effektual than law or gospil. I don't serpoze thare haz been over 80 sekrets kept in fust hands since the daze ov Adam. Lazy men are alwuss,konseited kritters. About the tightest spot a man kan git into iz whare he kant blame enny boddy but himself. He who haz komplete control at all times over hiz powers and hiz pashuns, iz a hard nut tew krak. A man's imaginashun iz like a vine; if he don't set up a a pole for it tew klimb, it will run oph into all sorts ov twistifi- katedness. The biggest hipokrits in the world are thoze who pla lamb. The eyes are the windows ov the heart, and the ears are the windows ov the brain. If thare wa'n't nothing but, truth in the world we could git along with one third ov the language we use now. A prudent man iz one who trusts in God, and keeps hiz eye on the pot when it's a bileing. If thare wa'n't no ignoranse thare would be no prejudise, for everything would be valued jist ackordin tew its worth. AIi yung friend, yu may giv every man yu meet the whole ov the road if you hav a mind to, but yu must not expelt to git enny kredit for it. Slander iz often haff true and haff false, and the lie that iz in it iz the most respekabel part ov it. Slander iz a poisoned arro, shot bi a concealed koward. A sophist seems tew be a party who, having suckceeded in cheating himself, iz anxious tew serve others in the same way. page: 592-593[View Page 592-593]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 592-593 592 VARIETY. Pedigree may he ov sum use tew a rase-horse, but ov what use it kan be tew a man iz a mistery tew me. Good storv tellers are not only skarse but their stok in trade soon runs out. A man kan travel a grate ways on a good story, but he kant stay in one plase with it long. I kno a man who kan make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but it iz all he kan do, and the whissell iz only a sekund rate one at that. Simplisity iz one ov the most diffikult things tew acquire, while a florid stile iz the eazyest. Those who are the last to giv up an opinyun, are the last tew adopt it. I fairly envy the kredulity ov sum pholks. They will let the same dog bight them in the same place 4 times, and de- klare it iz a good joke. I never allow enny man tew beat me in politeness. If the most humble man on the Street tutches hiz (for 60 days) are on The devil iz the best judge ov human natur kno ov. The 9 Amerikan mottoes are "E pluri- her rip." Phools are just az necessary in this world az litening rods are. Edukashun iz a good thing generally, but most pholks ed- dukate their prejudices. The eternal propriety ov sum pholks iz fairly terrible. WHTE MOUNTAINS-THE "GLEN HOUSE." 593 What a releaf it would be if they would only kik up once in a whle. The older we gro the less we are certain ov. Fun iz suggar coated phissick. Ekonemy iz the mnother in law ov happiness. Thare iz nothing haff so sad az remorse. Tallent thrives on the krumbs that fall from the table ov genius. Our wants are the source ov all our joys and all our woes. Tew eat and drink iz all the knolledge or virtew a human being iz born with-the rest lie haz tew learn. Every thing that a man kan honestly git in this world iz the gift ov God. Thare aint no logick so powerphull az nesessity. WHTE MOUNTAINS'THE "GLEN HOUSE.' JULY, 1873. I last letter to yu waz Written from Shelburne, Nu Hampshire, to which sweet little solitude I had fled tew commune with natur at her home, and ketch trout. I had a good time with natur, and found her reddy tew re- ceive company, and entertain them, provided they kept still, and didn't ask enny phoolish questions. I also found the trout polite, and kurteous, and kaught 963 during the four weeks I lingered thare. I am now dwelling at the , Glen House," at the very feet ov the White Mountains. This iz a fust-class house, and iz kept az orderly as a Sun- day school. Thle proprietors would make good mishionarys, their ways are ways ov pleasantness, and their paths are paths ov peace, I probably shall stay here untill I spend mi last cent, and then ded bed mi remains tew New York. If Adam hadn't have been a mizerable phool, and listened 38q page: 594-595[View Page 594-595]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 594-595 594: VARIETY. tew that woman ov hiz, we micght all ov us have been board- ing at the Glen House now for nothing, and looking at the White Mountains, at half price. Just our durned luk. I am setting down now perfektly solid, in a huge spli t bottomed chair, and gazeing at the molntains az intently, and vacant, az a blind man. The fust impreshuns that theze vast lumps ov rising ground made upon me waz to stare, and say nothing. The next impression waz, tew say nothing, and stare. This iz the best deskripshun I kan giv ov the White ]0ouintains. Thare iz lots ov people hav written up theze grate' hills ov the Allmighty, and their ackount reads tew me like the melted patlios ov a boarding, skool miss, when she writes lher graduating composishun, upon the "Extatick yearnings ov a wingless spirit," or sum other hefty subjekt. A mountain iz the grandest kreashun ov the great archi- tect, and k]ant be deskribed. Not more than haff a mile in front ov me stands Mount Washington, 66 hundred feet hi, so they say, I haven't meazured it yet, but i presume they hav got it about right. This mountain waz bilt tew stay thare. It iz az bald-headed az an eagle, and in its gorges now, the 20th ov July, grate piles ov snow laff the sun tew scorn. Right on the top ov its crown they hav made a house, from whllich yu kan see, if yure eyes are strong enuff, a good ways. . It is 8 miles from whare i am sitting down so solid, in the old splint-bottomed chair; tew the top ov the mountains, and the road iz az krooked az the route a boy takes going tew skool during green apple time. Cluss alongside ov Mount Washington stands Clay, Jeffer- son, Adams, and Madison, with their hats opll and hair cut short, looking up to Washington in venerashun The Glen House iz, now well filled with boarders and lodgers, who eat three times a day and dont talk in their sleep. E WHITE MOUNTAINS-THE "GLEN HOUSE." 59, This iz the place for an appetight; one week here and y, kan eat a horse and kart and chase the driver 3 miles. This iz the place tew sleep; all yu hav tew do iz tew lay down perpendikler on yure back, say yure prayers, shut ut both eyes, and wake up in about 15 minnitts and find yu hav slept 9 hours. Thare iz sumthing curious about it, but no man was ever known ftew snore in hiz sleep at the Glen House. This iz a gealogikal phakt; Mr. Cummings, who haz bin identified with this house since its birth, sez so. I hav bin here now 3 weeks, and don't think i hav spoke 10 words tew ennybody. I set in the old splint-bottom chair and gaze at the moun- tains like an idiot. People watch me and whisper, and i once in a while ketch theze words as they talk: "Luv krakt." "Sum lunatik, probably." Let others talk az mutch az they pleaze, i feel just az tho i waz in meeting, and mustn't say ennything out loud. These grate uplands are sermons, and the Allmighty iz the preacher. Thare iz a yung man now on the piazza ov the "Glen House," with lite blue eyes- and sandy hare. I have now and then watched him for the last 3 weeks. He haz been continually ded and buried in paper-covered novels, and haint lookedat the mountains once. He iz a literary cuss. I pitty this poor boy; if le only knew how, he could learn nore bi looking at theze mountains 10 minnitts with hiz soul, and then go and lay down for 2 hours, and think, than lie could larn in 19 years from theze magazines ov froth and sediment, even if lie read 4 tons ov them each year, and ockashionally chewed one up, and swallowed it whole. All about us here are various minor points ov interest, but they don't interest me mutch, i have got mi eyes sot on the big hills, and i shall hav tew be choked off before i kan notiss ennything else. Not far oph iz "Emerald Pool," a kaskade ov water made page: 596-597[View Page 596-597]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 596-597 596 X VARIETY. entirely out ov the blood ov precious stones (so they say), which lights up the grotto around, like az the spirit ov a fairy world. Then we hav "Garnet. Pool," not one nile off, another liquid glory ov melted gems. All about us are falZs ov every name and natur, and ra- vines without number, each one ov which haz got a pedigree az long az the the deklarashun ov liberty. Near by one ov theze ravines, a maiden, with sum auburn tresses, sum centurys ago (so they say), was kaught up bi the presiding genius ov the place and hlaint cum to time since. The lone injun, the noble skalp lifter ov the border, haz bin here too, and left hiz mark, and for 4 dollars enny bare- foot boy in the naborhood will show yu whare to wonder and whare tew weep tew good advantage. Theze things are all good, and are worth the munny they ask for them, tew thoze who are dealing in trinkets, but i cum here tew fill a kontrakt, i cum here tew see a full- grown and live mountain, and when i am stuck fast in my old splint-bottom chair, and am slowly taking in the quiet but awful grandur before me, i don't want no man, nor no female, nor no one of the nuter gender tew talk pool or kaskade to mne. I would jist az soon lay down a saddle rok oyster, that i had on the half shell, all buttered, ready tew swallo, and talike up a kodphish bawl, end eat in the place ov it, az tew swop one minnitt's look at the giants in front ov me, for all the sputtering and sentimental water in the State ov Nu Hamp- shire, or the ballance of kreashun. The "Glen HHouse " haz a fine assortment ov gallant men and fair ladys just now, but who the Cavalier iz, or who the belle iz ov the throng, don't worry me at all. If enny boddy should tell me, "What a beautiful foot that lady has got," i should say, "it didn't kompare with the feet of theze mountains." If any body should say, "What a bust! what a develop- :J . THE GNATT AND KATTERPILLER. 5.97 ment!" i should look tew the swelling sides and rounded buty ov ' Washington." Should enny one. point out sum venerable senator, or sum saintly divine, with noble brow, mi eyes would at once rest upon hi old "Adams," az bald az a patriark, with hiz hed abuv the kreeping clouds. We hav a band who play well, but i git mi musik out ov the gales that gallup amung these gorges. We hav all that plain cumfert or elegant luxury kan ask for. I hav breathed more pure air, seen more huge piles ov earth and rok, et more' trout,' and drank more sparkling iwater this summer than i hav in all mi life before, and if nothing happens tew mar mi prospekts, i shall go down into the valleys az happy, and i hope az humble a man az ever klumb these hights. If theze things don't make a man happy and humble, he had better stay at home and drink thoro wort tea, and git hiz bile level. Mi 'wife haz been with me all summer, and kan talk moun- tain better than i kan; she iz a bride ov 30 years standing, and haz got a heap more buty and sense than i hav. THE GNATT AND KATTERPILLER. THE gnatt iz the smallest bug on reckord. They are two sizes smaller than the- hed ov a pin, and three times az sharp az the pint ov it. They light onto a man like a blacksmith's cinder, and enter the flesh like a Kanada thissell. They are blak and gray fur culler, and cum out ov their lokashun for aktual bizzness just before sunset, in the month ov June. They fill the air like a shower ov hot ashes, and keep both, hands ov a man bizzy az a cow's tale in fli time. page: 598-599[View Page 598-599]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 598-599 8i98 VARIETY. They are the gratest pests in history, and hav made menny a trout fisher mad enuff tew sass hiz mother. They are the hottest ov all live torments, and i have even myself, when four thousand five hundred ov them hav pitched into me, without any previous notiss, been known tew sware, just a little, to let folks kno that i was human. If a man haint got a rite tew sware jist once, in a low tone, when 4 thousand five hundred gray gnatts git aboard ov biin promiskuss, he haint never got a rite and iz sore for 2 weeks MORE GNATTS THAN ARE PLEASANT. after wards. I never shall try tew forgit the fust time the.: gray gnatt storned mi outposts. I wa-z trout phishing, cluss upon the edge ov a wilderness, in the State ov New York, just az the sun waz gitting reddy tew giv the world the slip. The trout waz bighting anxiously, and i was laying them way in mi baskit, az cheerful az a mizer, when lo! and be- hold, in less than 2 minnitts the heavins and earth waz sissing hot with gray gnatts, and every square inch ov me that was naked, had 40 gnatts on it boreing for ile. I couldn't see one'ov the kussid kritters, for they are smaller than a comma and are just the culler oy twilite. I didn't wait tew argyt the kase with the gray gnatts, but shouldered mi pole and Heft thoze arkadian scenes az tho i waz after a doktor, aairmibskla hefla iewe o n e THE GNATT AND KATTERPTLLER. 599 Thare iz a grate menny people who- hav never saw a gray gnatt, but i kan assure them that they haint lost mutch, for thare iz nothing interesting about them but thlare bight. The pesky flea, whoze memoirs i hav writ, iz a good average bighter, but lie iz slower than the tune of old lang syne kompared with the gray gnatt. The gnatt iz born like fog, all ov a sudden, but whether they cum from an egg; or otherwrize, iz one ov them kun- ning sekrets that natur dont tell tew every inquiring phool. The musketoze bights with a pricker, the flea with a for- ceps, but the gnatt bights like a spatter from a kittle ov bile- ing grease. I hav bin asked bi the loquasious, if i thought the gnatt waz made in vain, and i hav invariably sed 1 No, sir, they waz made tew bight freely, and they are a praktikal job." I kant tell yu whether the gnatt iz male or femail, or not, nor do i kno whether they were a bug before the flood or not, i haint got tine tew answer such small-sized ques- tions. When i write the history ov a bug, i write lim az he iz, at titls date, not az lie waz. Thare are pholks in this world who couldn't sleep well if they didn't kno whether knower had 2 gnatts in the ark or not, all i kan say on this pint iz, i hope he didn't hav enny nmore than 2. If the voracious bed bugg assaults yu, oft in the stilly nite, yu kan rize from yure virtewous kouch, and robeing y ureself, go out beneath the-pale moon and chattering stars, and walk bak and forward in front of the house, and be at peace. If the versatile flea penetrates yure clothing yu kan sarch for hiz whareabouts, and when yu hav found hiz whareabouts' yu will find that he haz left in disgust for other scenes, and yure mind will be at rest. If the melodious musketoze hovers about yure sakred page: 600-601[View Page 600-601]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 600-601 600 VARIETY. premises, yu kan raize a smudge ov burning sulphur, or fragrant assiphedita, and the mnsketoze will take the hint, and konklude he aint wanted enny more, and yu will rejoise over the viktory. But when the gray gnatt seeks yu he will pllind yu, just az eazy and az certain az a mouse in a hurry will find hiz hole in the korner, and yu might az well think ov eskaping a trakt pedlar. In writing this memoir ov the gray gnatt, i am unable tew tell the stujent ov natral history whither lie iz graniverous or karniverous, or both, but i do kno he is pestiverous, for i have tried it. I hav now dun with the gnatt, and proberbly!never again shall sing ov hiz pekuliar kussidness. i I hate a gnatt, but what duz a gnat kare for that. TVIE KATTERPILLAR. The katterpillar iz a lokomotiff insex, about 2 inches long, and about the circumference of a ramrod. They hav 9 leggs on each side ov their stummuk, and their stummuk reaches the whole length ov their boddy. Their gait iz a creep, and konsists of humping themselfs up, and then suddenly flattening themself out. If yu tutch a katterpillar when he iz on the creep, he will suddenly cum to an abrupp pauze and rool himself up into a circle, and play ded like a possum. The katterpillar iz a tender-harted reptile, and if yu step on him once he dissolves like a fallen egg. Thare iz various breeds ov these delitephull worms, but there iz no choice in the breeds, one iz just az profitable az the other. The katterpillar iz usefull tew klimb trees, and then fall off onto yu, az yu are passing by, and hav someboddy tell yu: "Mr., thare iz a katterpillar on yure back." Sweet bug. Thare iz sum kind ov family conneckshun between the I - * % ; I THE GNATT AND KATTERPILLER. 601 butterfli and the katterpillar, but how it iz I dont kno miself. Which cums from which, or who comes from whitch, is too mutch for me to declare, and tell the truth. They may be haff brothers, or haff sisters, but oh! how different. The katterpillar iz as harmless az a snail, tley won't tetch noboddy, and thare aint but phew that will tutch them. I would rather take a red hot pertato in mi hand than a \ - katterpillar. I know they kant bight, but who knows what they will do? I dont kno why things are so, but I am more fraid that a mouse will cum out ov a hole, than an elephant will- and I had rather put mi hand into a steel trap than onto a katterpillar. This must be the effek ov arly edukashun, if elephants had been az thik in mi naborhood whlen i waz a clhild az katter- pillars waz, I suppoze I should hav bin eddikated tew hav bin afraid ov them. What a krewel thing it iz to teach a child tew be afrade. Just enuff caushun tew avoid danger iz all the fraid a child ought tew be larnt. Whien I waz a helpless kno nothing, about 6 or 7 years advanced, I waz taut tew be afrade, and to this day I had rather face a blood red Pawnee on the war path than tew go down cellar in the dark. I would rather a child ov mine would never kno exackly who diskovered Amerika, or how much multiplikashun 9 times 8 cums to, than tew be larnt tew shudder at the inno- cent gambols ov a mouse on the harth stun. Katterpillars were so numerous in New York, a ft years ago, that sparrows were imported from the mother kuntry tew gobble them, and now the sparrows hav bekum so mutch that we talk ov 'ending sum whare for nu kind ov katter- pillar tew eat up the sparrows. page: 602-603[View Page 602-603]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 602-603 602 VARIETY. Dog eat dog--sitch iz not only bug, but human natur, too. THE EARWIG. The earwig iz a short snaik, an inch and a haff in longi- tulde, apd ov a red culler. They hav 16 thousand leggs on each side ov their boddys, and travel endways on their stumuk. They are az harmless az a piece ov tape, but are quikker tew krawl than spirits ov turpentine sot on fire. They are another terror tew children, bekauze they hav bin told they would run into their ears if ever they got a good chance. This iz a lie, mi dear children, and the man who invented it ought tew be sent tew stait prizon, or the stait legislatur for life. He iz just phit for such a posishun. Thare aint no bug, beast, nor reptiles that will enter the ear; if they did, they would leave it mighty sudden. Natur haz put ear wax thare, and that's what's the matter. This wax iz fatal tew all kreeping and krawling things. I hav studdied worms for 40- years, and konsider miself helthy on all kind ov animated natur. If thare iz ennv thing that i don't kno or kant guess at about kritters, it iz sumthing that would be a damage to kno. WHAT I KNO ABOUT HOTELS. ST. LOUIS, *X1873. GREEABEL to yure request i send yu a short analasiss ov mi lektur entitled, "What i kno about Hotels." I sent yu, from Boston, not long ago, the sinoppsiss ov mi other lektur known az "Beauty and the Beasts." I hav red theze lekturs all over the' kuntry, from thle kanada line tew the equator, with grate satisfackshun tew miself, and with ockashional ravs ov hope to thoze who hav listened tew them. WHAT I KNO ABOUT HOTELS. 603 I hav another lektur which i denominate Milik, and i will send yu from Leavenworth Citty, Kansass, the pedigree ov i that. Theze 3 lekturs are poor but honest. Next tew finding the North Pole kommik lekturing iz the hardest thing for man tew do. The grate trouble iz, that what seems az phull ov phun, and even wit to the lekturer, az a blown up bladder phalls on the aujience az phlatt and klammy as a half-baked slapjack. Yu kant tell how humor iz a going tew take, ennylmore than yu kan kalkulate how kastor ile iz a gowing tew take on a wodden image. Experience iz no use tew yn in theze matters, for i hav bin a good while in the bizznless, and aint half so certain now ov suck- cess az i waz the fust time i opened mi throttle valve, and let steam on to a gather- ing ov people in front The more i tri tew reduse humor to a science, the more i find out that i am a kondem But listen a minnitt while i unharness and giv yu a liquid diag- nosiss ov ' What i kno about tfotels." The unique diskourse opens like a bowie knife, and- pitches ill to'the average hotel up tew the hilt. I deskribe hotels az tho-i had fust saw da lite in them, and had dwelt within their misterious precincts ever sinse. I talk about hash with a freedom that either shows that i kno all about its hidden resources, or am a child ov reddy wit. page: 604-605[View Page 604-605]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 604-605 604 VARIETY. To, tell yu the truth, dear editors, i am az familiar with hotels az a cockroach iz. I have et in them (and been et in them) from the hed waters ov the Penobskott tew the everglades ov Florida. The next pertinent featur in this lektur is "What i kno about farming.) I am az mutch in. mi element, on this subjekt az a yerlinog heifer iz in two akers ov yung clover, or a hog in a kornfield. I atn a farmer bi natur, and kan tell within 5 minnitts ov the rite time tew pik geese, set a hen, or when the dinner horn iz a going tew blow. This essa on farming alwus distrackts mi aujience when they fust hear it, for i gixr them sutch a multitude ov nu-fash- ioned material tew think about, but when they go hoene and lay down on their beds they begin tew dream about it, and the whole thing unwinds az butiful and reglar az a silk wormn's eg. Mi next subjekt iz the Dandy. I lead this diluted phello in before the aujience bi hiz sope lock, and sho him. up tew mi spektators, without enny grip- ings ov konshunce. I ain't afrade ov the kuss, tharefore I handle- him with eaze and eleganse. When i git thru with him thare aint nothing left ov him but a haff-worth tooth-pik and a faint smell ov kosmetik in the 'hall. Sum ov the aujience applaud this effort ov mine and others would if they felt like it. After showing -up this hybrid on the haff-shell, i read one ov mi creamy essa's on Whissling. I treat whisslin'g az an akomplishment, and sheo whare its strength and buty laze. I speak ov it az one ov the lost arts, which flourished about the time ov the Amerikan revolushun, when Yankee Doodle waz around. I prove that it iz entirely kompozed ov wind and iz evanescent in its natur. At this point, ov mi lektur menny ov thoze present retire tew fill sum engagement outside ov the lectur field. ji! WHAT I KNO ABOUT HOTELS. 605 I never offer tew hold an aujience when they git up and begin tew go, it only makes the rest ov them anxious tew phollow. The next argument that i bring forward iz the life and prominent bumps ov the Bizzy Boddy. I pride miself that thare are but phew orators in the field who kno more about thllis species ov critter, and are less afrade tew tell it than i am. I go for the bizzyboddy inkontinently, az the spider goze for the fly, or the sharp-ended hornet persews the inquiring urchin, who plhools around hiz sakred nest. Having handled the bizzybody az foot balls are handled, I look over the gathered flood ov human beings in front ov me tew see how the thing iz takeing. Every one seems tew be satisfied, but they don't sho no sighns ov it. This iz a way that most aujiences hav ov being pleazed with a kommik lektur. Experience haz made me acquainted with this dodge on their parts. I hav found out bi experimenting that the best way tew git the respekt and konfidense ov enny boddy iz not to ask for it, but take it, just az'tho it waz yures. Having satisfied miself that the spektators are sound on the goose, I read mi paper (at this point), on that mutch cov- eted blessing, Contentment. I say mutch that iz hard tew prove on this fashionable topic, but i take every one bi storm when i deklare that the clam iz the best specimen ov kontentment that natur haz produced. They are kontented bekauze they kant help it. It iz no more than the truth for me tew state that this assershun iz too mutch for the nerves ov the hily eddikated in front ov me, and masses ov them rize in their seats and leave for other scenes. Such continued raids az theze would make most lektures sea sik, but i am so akustomed tew them that i smile sweetly page: 606-607[View Page 606-607]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 606-607 606 VARIETY. az i reflekt that they don't hav tew take their money at the. door when they go out. This iz a consolashun that must be experienced tew be felt. Now cums .mi hed pin in this lektur, now cums -mi viktory. Mi treatiss on the "Distrikt Skoolmaster. If I hav enny weakness in this world it iz the affeckshun with which i look upon mi memoir, ov the Distrikt Schoolmaster. Thare aint no man on the earth's flat buzzurm that haz bin abuzed more, and who haz got so little tew sho for it az the distrikt skoolmlaster. When he iz yung and in fiteing trim he iz made tew work for haff price, and iz paid oph in mutilated currency, and when he gits old he iz turned into the hiway like a blind dog, and told tew hunt for a bone. I often shed tears when i read this essa on the distrikt skool master, but the spektaters seldum don't, their grief lies deeper than mine duz. At this point i introduce the Dog, and for 15 konseketiff minnitts at least, i giv mi hearlers a kanine feast. I go bak tew the fust dog, which waz ov a yaller culler, and work mi way slowly up tew the dog ov the present moment. Sum konsider this mi best Jffort, and i am glad ov it, for they pay their munny and hav a right tew tak their pik. All thru this lektur are skattered short sayings wich are intended tew be phunny, but thru sum misunderstanding thle aujience seldum arize abuv the dignity ov silence. Now and then a single individual will bralke out into a laff, but hiz voice skares him, and lie suddinly stops. I now introduce, with a moral flourish ov well selektcd words, the bizzy Ant. I talk with grate fervour about this indiginous bug, i sing ov hiz industry; i tell ov hiz ekonemy, and sitch things, wich are original with me and new tew mi aujience. This part ov the lektur seems tew hold thloze in front ov me az tho they waz in a vise, for all whispring iz shut up, AN ASSORTED LOT. 607- all eating ov peanuts ceazes, and tlioze who are awake rivet their gaze on me az tho they waz going into a fit. This iz my happy moment, and i perspire with bliss. Mi dear editors, if yu kould only hear me talk Ant for 3 minnitts, and see the spasmodik grip that i hav upon mi hearers, yu would be anxious tew sell out yure WEEKLY, desert yure 350 thousand subskribers, and go hed over heels into the lekturing spekulashun. But we kant all be lekturers, if we was, we should hav tew hire our aujiences, and that would eat up all the proffits. Thare iz more lekturers now than thare iz enny aktual suffering for. In konklushun, I kloze, by stopping with a brilliant epi- sode, kalled Marriage. Into this klozing kloze I weave some ov mi rarest gifts. I speak ov marriage az a good thing tew have in the family. I dwell upon it as the experiment ov man, the joy ov woman, and the success ov natur. I hang over it with the tenderness of a mother. I wet it with mi tears. I luv it az i did mi fust born, and I embellish it with all the rich graces ov a fourth ov July orashun. When I get thru with it, the aujience all spring tew theii feet, and-go out. This iz the enld ov the lektur, called: "'What I kno about Hotels." Yours, proudly, JOSH BILLINGS. AN ASSORTED LOT. THE OYSTER. ITIE oyster iz a bivalve, but what ,a bivalve iz, i don't kno. They inhabit the bottom ov salt water, and are' more po. lifick than muskeeters or the meazles. page: 608-609[View Page 608-609]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 608-609 608 VARIETY. One oyster will beget four hundred and ninety-six thou- sand two hundred and sixty-three other oysters. This beats 'the multiplikashun table all hollow, and places the bivalve at the head ov the begetting bizzness. The oyster iz the quickest phood on record to eat; they hav no bones nor feathers, and, kan be swallowed whole, either sitting, standing, or on the run. They are az eazy tew digest az a kiss, and theo not han- sum tew look at on the outside, are well worth looking into. The man who et the fust oyster on the haff-shell must hav bin astonished at the sudden way it waz did; but i presume- he want enny more astonished than the oyster waz. The oyster iz a mutch better bred animal than the klam iz -they hav more sentiment but less muscle. THE RED PEPPER. The red pepper iz green when it iz born, but, like the lob- stelr when it iz ripe for use, changes tew red. They gro on a low bush, and are a smart vegetable. If yu don't beleave it, handle them and then rub yure eyes with yure hand. The red pepper, when it iz ripe, iz simply a pod filled with seeds, and are acktually hotter than a live kole ov fire. They will keep without spileing az long az whiskey, for after hanging up nine years in the kitchen, i have seen them took down, and soak out, az hot and az phull ov vengeance az ever. The red pepper, like the hornet, iz alwuss reddy for use at a minnitt's notiss. THE NUZE BOY. The nuze boy iz a natral brik. He makes more fuss and disturbance, on a smaller kapital, than enny other human being in existence. He haz a free pass everywhere, and tho ragged az an old bed quilt, two papers under hiz arm makes ]him respektable. AN ASSORTED LOT. 609 When it cums night, and hiz labors are over, he holes az natral, and misterious az a'rat, and in the morning iz seen everywhare, az sudden az a flok ov birds off firom their roost. The nutzeboy alwuss haz tallent, if he haint, he kant be a nuzeboy, and thousands ov men, now respektable and ritch, kan look back, if they hav a mind to, and see themselfs in their boyhood, shuless and ragged with their whole kapital in 15 dailys under their arm. The nuzeboy iz alwuss equal tew the principal circum- stansis in the case, he iz reddy for an errand that haz a re- tainer ov twenty-five cents in it, he kan answer enny civil question that iz pulit to him, and kan be az sassy az a monkey or a fish woman's daughter, if needs be. I often talk with theze waifs, and tho seldum possessed ov enny learning, i never yet found a phool amungst them. Az the iron hardens into. steel, under the torture ov fierce flame, so duz poverty, privashun, abuze and necessity, work theze little pilgrims into veterans. With every temptashun tew vice, az a class, they are az honest in their calling az enny who trade for a living. THE PHDDLE. Who iz thare who kan giv the trew karakter and pedigree ov the phiddle? Who knoze when they waz fust born, and will enny one pretend to say thlat they won't last and hav sum kind ov a tune in them, when Gabriel and hiz horn pipes the world tew judgemnent. I kant pla a tune on nothing, not even a juise harp, but I never see an old phiddle with only one string on it even but what i begin tew itch with musik. I hav gone bak into history till everything begun tew look dark and doubtful, and thare i found the same old phiddle ov to-day, and i should be willing tew beleave it, if one ov the professors sed so that Adam knu how tew skratch the brest ov one ov theze dear, blessed old instruments. 39t page: 610-611[View Page 610-611]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 610-611 "O VARIETY. Dear blessed old instrument, yu hav bewitched milyuns with yure sorcery, and tho yu seldum hav made enny one ritch, yu have lightened more burdens than ever wisdum and fortun hav combined. I wouldn't hav mi musik eddikated if i could, i kan enjoy now the whissling ov a darkey, or the phiddle skraping ov an itinerant, and only kno that i am happy. THE PHLOSOPHER. The philosopher iz an individual who haz eddikated the natur all out ov him; or rather, he iz one who haz redused all the natur in him tew arbitrary rules. He haz so civil, ized the toothake 'imself, -- -and- ten we k saythat it don't seem tew hurt him ; he *haz elevated pov. o erty tew a bless- ing, and redused pride to a servi- tude. So he laz . be is lookded upon az a being superior to others, but the very best ethics in his his- tory iz, that he haz simply learnt JOSH PHLOSOPHYZES. how "tew i anZ bear it." Hie iz poor company for every one, including himself, and then we kant say that hiz medicine iz- not good for all the moral and phisikal ailments ov humanity. We kno he ,hates tew take it just az bad az we do. Philosophy no doubt kan so refine and elevate our natur that we may never kno the luxury thare iz in committing a blunder. AN ASSORTED LOT. 61: I hav thought that one ov the most delightful privilegei here on earth waz the privilege ov repenting ov sumthing. Still i admire the philosopher, and hiz bizzness, but i kni they are human, and knoing this, i dont giv them more thai haff the credit they claim. THE TOADEY. The toadey iz a kind ov human parasite, a two-leggec spaniel, who wags whenever you nod, and eats ov the krumbk that fall from yure table. He iz a disgusting flatterer, who will suffer enny kind oN disgrase tew gain a favor, and knoingly degrade himself tew the platform ov a pimp. Servitude iz honorabel, for the necessitys ov life may de mand it; even impudense iz often the only way to match the impudense ov others, and a good-natured clown iz endur. able, but a toadey iz always a blister. Whenever yu see a man surrounded with toadeys, yu may kno that man iz either ani entire phool or haz a mitey thin spot on hiz surface. A wize man never lets a toadey cum near him, he haz too mutch respekt for himself, and too match kompashun for hiz phello man. Just so long az men hav vices tew be countenanced, and weaknesses tew be pitied, and rewards tew offer, just so long will toadeys- multiply and fatten on their own turpitude. I dont admire a bully, but yu kan alwuss cook hiz partik- ular goose with a klub, but what punishment kan yu mezzure out tew a fawning toadey, who haint got karakter enuff tew be even malishus. The toadey iz a despikabel kritter, and tew be dispized, iz az low down az a man kan git; it iz infinitely lower down than tew be an outlaw, or tew be hated. THE JAKASS. The jakass iz a four-legged institushun, about fifty-four inches hi, and uglier tew look at than a raving maniak. page: 612-613[View Page 612-613]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 612-613 "2 VARIETY They have one- grate predominance, they kan liv on what a gote kan, and kan endure more sass and hardship than a blacksmith's apprentiss kan. They are imported tew this kuntry, and are not indiginous tew the sile, thank the Lord for this. They have a pair of ears on them, either' one ov -which would make a decent sized canoe, and have a voice like a steam whissell trubled with the bronkreetiss. They kant kick so bad az the mule, bekause they aint so long. They are az stubborn and set in their way az a mile stun, and look in their face as tho they mite be at least four hun- dred years old. The jackass iz the only real burlesque I know ov on an- imated natur, and when seen in the streets for the first time, attrak az mutcl attenshun as a nu sett ov circuss bills. Thare iz thousands ov hily eddikated pholks who never saw a jackass yet, and probably will go tew their graves with- out doing it. Whether this cums under the hed ov a mis- fortin, or an acksident,' I don't kno. I never hav saw but a phew jackass miself, (ov the four- legged kind I mean,) but have seen all I hanker for; they are a gloolnv sight. I had rather peruze an egiptian mummy at 25 cents a privilege. The jakass iz the reputed cauze ov the mule, and if that iz enny credit tew him he iz welkum tew it. KARACTER. THE SASSY MAN. YU kan alwuss kno the sassy man bi a kind ov impudent 1 leer in hiz whole countenanse, a sort ov lurking desire tew affront sumboddy, a would-be "' devil-may-care " swagger KARACTER. 61 tew hiz boddy, a kind ov lawlessness in speech and manlner. He iz a natral born koward, and a mere perambulating lump ov impndense out ov a job. He haz sum kunning, for he generally picks on a non com- battent tew praktiss hiz morbid recklessness upon. Sumtimes he makes a mistake and lights on the wrong customer, and then it is quite delightful tew see llow quick the buckram iz all taken out ov him. Thare iz only one sure kure for the sassy man, and that 'iz tew plant konsekutively yure right, and then yure left phist in hurried succeshion upon the front end ov hiz noze, knoking him ennywhare fromn 10 to 250 feet in a forrin direckshun. This kure is perfekt, and iz not pattented, and thaerefore enny onle haz a right tew use it. It iz a mersy tew the sassy man tew giv him a strong dose ov this medisin, it regulates hiz bile, tones hiz liver, calms hiz impudense, hauls down hiz flag, and makes him az pliant and fawning az a spaniel dog. I hav known menny a sassy man knoked into suavity, and humility, who under the ordinary missionary process ov cor- reckshun, would hav gradually grown into a desperado. I don't council ruffianism, and am much in favor ov mild treatment for all the ills that flesh iz air too, but thare are akute disseases, and sassy is one of them, that roots and arbs won't reach. THE GASSY MAN. The gassy man iz a kind ov itinerant soda fountain, a sort ov hi-preshure reservoi ov soap-suds, who spouts bubles and foamn, whenever he opens hiz mouth. Theze quacks in the-small beer line, hav but phew branes, but their branes are like yeast, they kant rize without run- ning over every thing. I have known them tew argy a point 3 hours and a half, and never offer one good reazon in the whole time. They mistake words for ideas, and their tonguea travel page: 614-615[View Page 614-615]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 614-615 "4 VARIETY. tew just about az mutch purpose az a boy's wind mill duz, in the teeth ov a stiff nor wester. They are the vainest ov all human beings that hav yit bin discovered, and think, bekauze people kant eskape their furios effervescence, they are pleazed and convinced. I never knu one ov theze windmills yet, but what thought Soloman waz almost an ideot kompared tew them, and I never knu one to ever diskover hiz mistake. Y1 mite az well undertake tew git the pride out ov a pekocks tail, bi laffing at it, az to convinse theze phellows that what they say aint either wit or wisdum. The gassy man iz' not bi enny means a bad man at heart, he iz often az good natured az he is phoolish, but hiz friend- ship aint worth mutch more tew yu than the luv ov a lost pup, who iz reddy tew phollow enny one off who will pat him on the back. THE SHARP MAN. The sharp man iz often mistaken for the wize one, but he iz just az diffrent from a wize one az he iz from an hon- est one. He trusts tew hiz cunning for suckeess, and this iz the next thing to being a rogue. The sharp man iz like a razor-generally too sharp for enny thing but a shave. Theze men are not tew be trusted-they are so constituted that they must cheat sumboddy, and, rather than be idle or lose a good job, they will pitch onto their best friends. They are not exackly outkasts, but liv cluss on the bor- ders ov criminality, and are liable tew step over at enny time. It iz but a step,-from cunning tew raskality, and it iz a step that iz alwuss inviting to take. Sharp men hav but phew friends, and seldum a konfident. They hav learnt tew fear treachery by studying their own naturs. - . They are alwuss bizzy, but like the hornet, want a heap ov sharp watching. 1 . - KARACTER. 6 The sharp man iz alwuss a vain one. He prides himself upon his cunning, and had rather do a shrewd thing than a kind one. THE LAZY MAN. Next tew the weak man the lazy man iz the wust one i kno ov, without necessarily being a viscious one. He iz too indolent tew praktiss hiz virtews, if lie haz got enny, and therefore iz- konstantly open tew vice, which iz haff-brother tew lazyness. It iz hard work tew phind lazyness and virtew mixt, but thare iz sitch a tfling. Indolence iz one ov the wust mildews i kno ov-it is the grate leak that haz let thousands ov men drizzle away. Lazyness iz not positively a crime, but they look and akt wonderpllully alike. Lazyness iz not ornamental even tew an old man, but tew a yung one it iz a shining disgrase. I hav seen lazy men that i thought waz innocent, but i never felt like warrenting one ov them for more than 90 daze. THE NERVOUS MAN. One ov the most unkumfortable kritters in this world iz the nervus man. He discounits all hiz griefs, and suffers mnore from trubbles that never happen, than enny boddy else duz from trubbles that do cum. H-iz ears are like a rabbitS, always on end for sum disaster, and hiz nostrils are like the asses, snuffing misfortune out ov the east wind. He steps az though he waz walking on eggs, and lays down like a kat in frunt ov a rat hole, reddy for a spring. Theze poor phellows suffer without simpathy, and enjoy without satisfacshun. The nervous man iz a long lived bird, though lhiz nerves are alwus strung, lhe lasts like an old phiddle. Altho i kant help but pitty the nervus mnan i am, aware page: 616-617[View Page 616-617]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 616-617 "6 V-ARIETY. that he haz moments ov plezzure that are equal tew whole hours, they are so intensified. Whatever he duz enjoy he enjoys the whole ov, passing the bounds ov reality, he revels in the illimitable fields ov imaginashun and fancy. I think I would rather have more- nerves than i could manage than not tew hav enny, and mope on thru life az sum men do, with nothing about me so exciteable az mi relish for pork and beans. THE DIGNIFIED MAN. It iz often the kase that the dignified man iz nothing more than an owl amung humans. He dont alwus kno but little, but when he duz he haz tew be kareful ov that little and look wize even if he dont prove tew be so. One good hoss laff would spile him for life; if he lets go ov hiz dignity, hiz kapital iz all gone and he iz ruined for- ever. The dignified man that i am talking about, never takes enny chances, he weighs every word before it iz uttered, and meazzures every ackshun before it iz expressed, and iz gener- ally az free from blunders, pr lhits, az a tud stool iz. If he ever duz kik up :and frolik he iz like the elastik elephant, and gay and kussid like the hippopotamus or wild sea hoss. Dignity iz often substituted for wisdum, and iz quite often mistaken for it, but thare iz az mutch diffrence between them az thare iz between a puter 10 cent piece and a genuine haff dollar. I decided long ago not tew giv enny man kredit- for being' wize, just bekauze he wouldn't bend hiz back or laff when he had a right tew be tickled. Sum ov the most suckcessfull phools i haw ever met were az grave az a kut stone, and most all the truly wize that i hav had the honor tew be introduced to, were alwuss a hunt- ing for a good place tew roll on the grass. Extreme gravity, in mi lexicon, stands for an extreme phool. KARACTER. 617 THE WEAK MAN. A weak man wants just about az mutch watching az a bad one, and haz dun just about as mutch damage in the world . He i' every boddy's friend, and tharefore he iz no ones, and what he iz a going tew do next iz az unknown tew him as tew others. He haint got enny more backbone than an angleworm haz, and wiggles in and wiggles out-ov every thing. I-He will talk to-day like a wize man, and to-morrow like a phool, on the same subjekt. He alwuss sez "Yes,"3 when he should say "No," and staggers thru life like a drunken man. Heaven save us from the weak man, whoze deseptions hav no fraud in them, and whoze friendships are the wuss desighns he kan hav on us. JOSH BILLINGS HAVING FINISHED HIS BOOK, MEDITATES SUICIDE, BUT IS A LITTLE UNCERTAIN AS TO THE MODE.