Philadelphia malignants
page: 0 (TitlePage) [View Page 0 (TitlePage) ] PHILADELPHIA MALIGNANTS, 7B Y TARTAN. PHILADELPHIA: WrII & Co. 34 SOUTH THnD S'TIItrT. 1866 page: 0[View Page 0] THE MALIGNANTS. CHAPTER I. 1. Now it came to pass in the latter days that the people of the Yan Kees waxed great, and possessed all the land between the great seas, even from the sun's rising unto the set- ing of the same; and in the sight of the. other nations they were as giants, and so were they in their own sight! 2. And all the people were of one language and speech, and whatsoever they did set themselves to do, behold they accomplished; and it was said of them, The Yan Kees can do any thing. 3. Thus the whole nation was puffed up, and some of the people even more so than others; 'and among these latter were certain sons of Belial who said, 'Let us divide the land and thereby become TWICE as great as now! page: 6-7[View Page 6-7] TH1E M aLIGNANTS. THE MB LIGN ANTS. 4. And the wise men and elders forbade tose; but they cried out so much the more, :;iying, Greater is the two halves than the whole; and they gathered to them a great multitude of the baser sort, and set them in battle 'array; and lo the 'nation" was di- vided but the " land" was not. 5. And the division was on this wise: part of the people were busy from morn until even at some useful work, each with his own hands, and taught his children so; and an- other part were idle, and loved swift horses and strong drink, and said unto the other part, Lo ye are grovelling and not fit to con.- sort with us. Thus the nation was divided even between the Idlers and the Workers. 6. And the Idlers became suddenly indus- trious for mischief; and they seized some of the strongholds of the nation, and gathered a great army against the chief city: and thus there was fierce war in the. land. 7. Now the chief city was a great one, but in ,certain things only. It had divers great houses there, and when men looked from one house over unto the next house, lo the DISTANCE was great. The temple where the elders and rulers met was very great, TIlE MALIGNANTS. 7 and the money that was given out thence was the greatest of all! Howheit the men who sat there and did make the laws were not great, and the wisdom which they sp'ake was very little. But the city was called by the name of one truly great man, and the sweet savor of his faith fulness did consecrate the city to the whole people. 8. Nevertheless there was another city which in the beginning was the chief city of the Yan Kees; and the two cities were thus noted of the wise. The younger city seemed like unto Jerusalem, where the tribes of Israeel met yearly, in the time of their slrengh and pride; but the elder city was like unto Shiloh, where the fathers came to- gether from the wilderness, and agreed upon their inheritance, and sware one to the other to be one nation! 9, Now this elder city was known among mel as the city of the Broadbrims, for it was builded by the sect of the Broadbrims at the first, whose chief rule was that men should not go to war; nevertheless though they es- chewed soldiering, ,they were fond of uni- form dress, of the color celled drab, and as for their hats they had ample brims ,so they were called Broadbrims. page: 8-9[View Page 8-9] 3 THE MALIGNANTS. 10. But the founders of the city called it Phil-adelphia, which being interpreted, is Jove of brothers, a good name and a kindly, but dike friendship) a name only. Likewise they called themselves the sect of Friends; and knowing it was said by them of old time that a good name is better than great riches, they thought that to have both would be best of all; and lo, in their generations many of them did so attain to their wishes, as to be friends only to themselves and tolove no- thing but money! 1. Now there wasalso another rule among said Friands, and it wasthis, That all men should work; and when the war of the Idlers d id arise, both old and young of the sect were much moved, and they said, This is of the wisdom that is from theeath. 12. Now it came to pass scan after that the Broadbrims had founded their city, Ibero did come among them certain imen of a very different clothing and temper; for they were men of war, and their dress showed more colors even than Joseph's coat. Neverthe- less they were keen for trade, and diligent in business, and they helped to build the city. Cesar himself had caught sight of their fa- i I i i I thers in his day, and he called them Painted Men, and Men of the Woods; howheit they cared not for Cesar's report of them-they gave Cesar HS OWN, and asked for theirs in return! 13. And these men of the gay clothing were called Covenanters, and they dwelt among the Broadbrims, and so do their de- scendants even to this day. And when the war of the Idlers did wax fierce, the Broad- brims were greatly stirred in spirit thereby, for they said, Lo here is either work and war or peace and idleness. ". Then came near to them the Cove- nanters, dnd uncovered to them a great rys- tery. And these opened to the Broadbrims the Great Book of Truth, where it is writ- ten, "The wisdom which is from above is first PURE, then peaceable." 15. And their eyes were opened, and they saw that until there is Purity there can be no Peace; and the young men of the city rose up together, even three score thousand as it were in one day, and went forth to bat- tle against the Idlers. 16. Thus did the elder city in the hour of peril, while the younger city looked this * page: 10-11[View Page 10-11] 10 THE MAIIGNANTS. way and that way, and made no sign of hope, And the nation was greatly encouraged be- cause of the counsel and the deeds of the elder city, even Philadelphia,- for they said, This day is trie city well named. 17. Howheit there were in the same city certain men of whom it is written, Anathe- ma; sons of Satan whose end is to be burned. One of these was iiamed of his mother Ouilliam Bee Rid, for she said the day will come when he' shall "be rid" of all his true friends. And another is Jorjemr War Towrn, who believeth in four surplices at Allhallow- tide. And there is also one Rend All, whose doonm is one day to be torn in pieces. 18: Now the acts of these and of other children of wrath, and their fearful end- are they not written in other chapters, the which men may read if they will? ' CHAPTE'R IT. 1. Now of Bee Rid and of War Town and of Rend All (whoso readeth let him under- stand) it is thus written: They have all gone out of the way. 2. And it was so that Bee Rid, and his THE MALIGNANTS. 1 father, and his grandfather did dwell in the city of the Broadbrims; and the first dealt deceitfully with the nation, and the second did so with the city, and the third likewise with both city and nation; and it was on this wise. 3. Notwithstanding of his father and. his grandfather, yet Bee Rid had other kindred who were most honorable and true, and these did put him forth into high place while he was as but a lad, and thus was he ad- xannced until Nicholas the Money King- did make him to be one of his counsellors; fur- thermore, when the Covenanters did move, the bones of one of them to a new grave, (who of old was a warrior and had been slain in battle), lo Bee Rid was the orator at the burial. Thus was he held in high es- teem, and the people did bring unto him both riches and honor. 4. But even as it is written, The swine th'at was washed is returned to wallowing in the mire. 5. And it'came to pass after certain years that there arose a chief ruler among the Yan Kees whose name was Buqh Anan- the same is James the Faithless. And he - *2 page: 12-13[View Page 12-13] 12 THE IALIGNANTS. cast about him for counsellors, and chose tiln cunning men instead of wise ones; and he sent ambassadors to many nations be- yond the great seas, and to the farthest of these, even to China, he did send Bee Rid. And all the people did marvel at this; for aforetifme these two had contemnned and de- rided each the other; but, like unto Pilate and Herod, they were now made friends; and men called the ruler James the Faithless, and the ambassador they did call China Bill. 6. Now the land of China lyeth at the uttermost distance from the land of the Yan Kees, they being half the circuit of the earth apart, so that the people of the chief city of the land of China and the people of the city of the Broadbrims, do stand upon the earth as it were foot to foot, so the learned say that they are to each the other Antipodes: and ]o, ever since that China Bill hath come back from- said embassy, he hath been DI- RECTLY OPPOSITE tothe welfare of his own city in all things. 7. And when the war of the Idlers came upon the land, China Bill did become their champion; for he was a lawyer even from his youth downward-he hald a tongue to sell T'IE MALIGNANTS. 13 for silver and a right hand to pledge for gold, and they brought unto him many shekels thereof; and when men went unto him for counsel, it was as though one went to inquire of the Devil! Lo, therefore, he sitteth every day in the chair of the scoffer, and taketh his part with the blasphemers and murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, even-the rebellious; and he waggaeth his head p)roud- ly in the city of the Broadbrims, but, " ili feel shall slide in due time!" 8. Now there was much diversity in the religion of the Yan Kees, even many sects beside those of the Broadbrims and the Co- venanters, and one of them was the sect of the Surplices, and War Town was of this sect. The same was adignified sect, proud as the Pharisees and rich as the Sadducees of old, and of its votaries were many true mren. But, like the net cast into the sea, it had gathered of both good and bad, and of these latter are Po-Ulk who is called the re- probate, and Hop Kins the deceiver, and Will Mur the contumacious, and last-of all War Town the infamous. 9. And the Surplices had it for a rule, when three years were gone by, to have a page: 14-15[View Page 14-15] " THE MAkLIGNANTs. great convocation of priests and holy men; Find in this council lo W'ar Town was used to sit as chief scribe, even as Satan came a;mong the sons of light; and whlen Po-Uik was arraigned for altering the very prayers of the sect, lo War Town was instant withi loud voice to praise him and justify him. 10. Now the Surplices were not all of one mind in all things (for all sects of the Yan Kees had liberty). They all had respect un- to the Holy Book, but some loved its gra- cious words the most, and other some did love most its scarlet binding; and War Town was of the Binding Party. And it carme to pass when the war of the Idlers did arise, lo many of the Binding sort did couin- tenance it, and did gibber at the nation in their prayers in the sanctuary, and if it fell out so that they did meet an Ettiopian by the way, they muttered, " cursed he Ham" *-howheit they did keep on eating Bacon, and turned not away from Pork, and became more and more swinish at their devotions. ". And among these War Town was held in much reverence, and they behoved to be touched with even the tip of his finger. But the men who loved the spirit of the law THE MALIGNANTS. 15 above its letter'abhorred him; for tley re- membered when he stood among them even as Gamaliel, and their hearts were grieved to very bitterness for his apostacy; and, they saw him as he did stumble on his way to the dark mountains, with the curse of his country upon him, and they turned away from the sight as -men turn away from in- famy. 12. Now the third is Rend All. He sit- teth among the Covenanters, but he came of the Water sect whom some do call Divers; and he hath disappeared and come up again so often that men think him to be a Diver still; but his coming away from the sect of his fathers wason this wise. 13. Said Water sect have a custorn among them of which the memory of man runneth not to the contrary, namely, that men should give money whenever they do worship pub- licly, and among their office-bearers there be certain men who bear a little bag or a little box unto every person that sitteth in their synagogues. Now Rend All loveth money, to take but not to give, so he removed from the Water sect because of their pertinacity. Moreover, there was much law controversy *3 page: 16-17[View Page 16-17] if) THE MALIGNANT$. amcng the Covenanters, and they gave tile I awyers much money-therefore, behold no. more needs be said ". But besides the sects of their religion, the Yan Kees had other divisions and com- panies aronog them; some for politics and some for policy; and some of the politicians were called Loco Focos, and others were cal- led as it wore Hairy Caps; and there was strife between them, and Rend All was of the Hairy Caps 15. And among the sects that were neitlher of religion nor politics, was a company that was the Apron Society; and it was for po }icy only. Now many of the very salt of the earth did belong to it (and some also whom no salt will save;) and Rend All was among them; and he was even a chief of them, so that he might wear TwRo aprons as it were. 16f. But as man is born unto sorrow so even are all of his works; and evil days did arise upon the Aprons, and they did come to much grief. Sufficient is it that so it was; and the people rose up and cried that none of the Apron men should be rulers. And one Writ Ner, whose name is Joseph, a bold 'THE ,MALIGN ANTS 1'7 man and a valiant, was made governor of a, great province of the Yan Kees, and his- party did call themselves the Untie Aprons! 17. And lo, the Apron men did lie low, and the Unties did ride over-them; and Rend All rode along with the Unties, -and some report that he did put his apron into his POCKET! And in the fullness of time the tumult was abated, and the Apron men rose up slowly, and gat them smaller aprons; an(t they stood by the nursery doors, and as tile rising generation came out from their plain aprons, they showed them the spangled ones, and tied them on; and the young men were pleased and the old ones were delight- ed! 18. And Rend All came again among the Aprons. and they received him, and made much of him, and put upon him as it were THREE aprons; 'and men thought that it was very odd, but some did say that he was a very odd FELLOW! 19. Now Rend All waxed gray instead of great, and he assumed to be a patriarch, and he boasted saying, I have shaken the hand of each and every chief ruler of the Yan Kees from the beginining. Then one who page: 18-19[View Page 18-19] 18 , THE MALIGNANTS. stood by answered to him-then have all said rulers touched pitch, and been defiled -thereby! And the saying was very bitter, and Rend All looked upon him with anger, nevertheless ;he smote him not, for ,he re- membered times past and he boasted no more. But he went on his way even as did Aaron the Burr, whose name is accursed. 20. Thus did these Three Mighty in m is- chief: but all their acts of shame time would fail to tell-and the end is not yet. CHAPTER Iit. 1. And there were also other Malignants in the city of the Broadbrims, in the days of the war of the Idlers; sonis of- worthy fathers who brought gray hairs to shame; foul birds that defiled their native nest. Lo of such it i's written, Their names shall rot 2. Now among these was Bee Dull whose name is Charlesj; the same is the son of. Ni- cholas the Money King. (Now of said Mo- ney King who shall write the truth? Itwere much to be desired at a fitting time, how- beit not now.) Nevertheless the son did join THE MALIGNANTS. 19 iands with them who smote down the fia- tlher, and consorted with the betrayers. 3.' Now it was a rule among all the na- tion of the Yan Kees to send men to answer for them in the Great Council at the chief city; and Bee Dull was sent with others to answer for the city of the Broadbrims; and -when he came into the great council he did deal falsely by the true cause, and humbled himself before the Idlers, and had no mercy on the' poor and the oppressed, but wagged hiis tongue against them. And the men of the city, even of Phil-adelphia, were wroth against him, and did send another man in his stead to the great council. 4. So he returned back to the city, and walketh with other Malignants, both men a;nd women; and thay do call their company Unmixed Society,' which -meanoth that it is evil only and that continually! 5. Moreover this Bee Dull did play the soldier for a while, and gat him clothing of blue and scarlet, and brazen garniture most abundant; but it was play merely. For as Job sayeth of the horse, "He smelleth the battle afar off," so was it now, only that in Bee Dull's campaign it was not the horse page: 20-21[View Page 20-21] O2) rTHE MALIGNANTS. lbut the RIDERt that smelled the battle, and cried, alia! and miade haste another way! 6. And now he feleth himself to be out of the way of harm, and sporteth himself in the hey-day of -his life; sitting upon horse hair instead of horseback, and LYING upon damask and also upon paper. Walking in shining sandals, with his hair and his ker- chief sprinkled with perfume, he would fain appear in the "odor of sanctity," to win votes for the Party; but though he canvass the Ward diligently and Woo never so kindly, he cannot make it a Wooed Ward. 7. Lo, these are parts of his ways, but the shame of his position who can understand! His lot was cast pleasantly from the begin- ning; few outside of Eden have had fairer view or reach at the Tree of Knowledge than he. But his own right hand hath plucked down infamy. So he will have it! 8. And there was joined with him sundry others. Lad Low, whose father was chief of the School of the Prophets, and Ky Ler, the son of Cornelius (not the Centurion.) 9.: And one of these was a judge and the other one was a counsellor; and in the tenm- ple'where they both did minister, they took off the bandage from the eyes of the effigy of Justice and did bind it on the eyes of the Jury, and they did thus grope there in the dark! 10. And both the judge and the counsellor were of the party of the Loco Focos. Now in this name there is to many a great mys- tery, especially to the learned, who say the words do mean respectively Place and Fire, and they thus are in fear that the party do mean to set every place on fire. But this is the interpretation. Said name is taken from an invention which was named from LUCI- FER (after his fall.) It is a little stick; one of "whose ends is to be burned." the which, when struck cunningly, doth burst into flame with stench of brimstone, and its use is to set other things on fire. Hear, therefore, the conclusion of the whole matter: the lit- tle stick is a "match" for all mankind young: and old, and the politician so named is a "match" for the Devil. ". Now Ky Ler was not only a coun- sellor but also a Councilman (which is tile name of the city elders.) And there be two companies of said elders, and one is called in the law Select and the other is called Common; which denominating answereth well to the fact that said bodies have even page: 22-23[View Page 22-23] 22 THE MALIGNANTS. embraced many very common men and some select scoundrels. 12. And Ky Ler was of the Select com- pany (why he was selected let no man an- swer hastily); and in each company part were of the Loco Focos and part were of the Hairy Caps, and they did separate them- selves in their halls of convocation, each party gathering upon one side; but though they did sit apart they did all LIE together. And they had no rites nor priestly ceremo- nies at their meetings, saving and excepting only that at each there was always a great SACRIFICE OF TRUTH! 13. And thus was the custom in their as- semblies; after much wrangling and false witness each councilman was called for his vote, yea or nay; but it was a rule that a given number of living men must Ihe present in order to make a law. Now it came to pass on a certain day .that a law was called to be voted which Ky Ler liked not, and when the scribe did call his name lo, he an- swered not, making to believe - that he was not there; and when he was chidden for said deceitfulness, he-did offer to prove his ab- sence by his presence! Then men were used to say of him, that if a crow should THE MALIGNANTS. 23 alight upon his chimney top that he would prove it to be white. Howheit the crows have hitherto kept aloof from him, which may indicate a change in their love of car- rion! ". Thus they went on their way among men, the judge and the counsellor; and old imen who had a knowledge of their fathers, (even John of the University and Cornelius of the Marble Safctuary,) did marvel, say- ing, Where is the promise unto the seed of the righteous, for both of the fathers were men of faith and prayer? 15. 'Then answered to them one who was of the craft of Typographers, How is this that ye do err, not remembering all the word? For is it not written that though Eli was the high priest, yet that his sons were the great- est of reprobates? And as for the saying that the seed of the righteous shall not go a beg- ging-depend on them bor this, that there be men alive who will never begwhile they can steal! 16. And the old men were astonished at the doctrine and could not answer it, but did lift up their hands and say, Of a trutl there is nothing new under the sun. . 17. So with Ky Ler, and Lad Low, and page: 24-25[View Page 24-25] 24 THE MALIGNANTS. Bee Dull, were joined others of sumptuous living and fine raiment, and they were ar- rayed like Solomon in his glory, and their hands were soft and as white as the lilies of the field; but-their hearts were dark as the sepulchre. 18. Behold, also, they did set themselves to get a new governor for the Province of Penn, and they urged the people much for their favorite, seeking haply to catch them with guile; but the people said in their heart, Surely in vain is the net spread in the sight of the bird; and they did turn Northward, and Eastward, and Westward, and even Southward--but they turned not to Wood- Ward; and thus the Malignants did labour in vain! CHAPTER IV. *. 1. Now besides the Malignants that did vaunt themselves against the nation and against its true glory, saying as it were, Evil be thou my good, there were others who did harm stealthily, even as the thief in the night --and one of these is called Jorje Bee Glo- rious. THE MALIGNANTS. 25 2. The same was a cherished child of the city of the Broadbrims. And when the war did break forth, and the old chief captain did fall away because of his infirmities, lo Bee Glorious was lifted into his .place, and was loaded as it were with honor. 3. And he had thousands yeaanrd tens of :thousands of valiant men for his army, and king's sons for his lieutenants,. and armour and chariots without number, and money without measure, and the love and blessing of his country above all. 4. But all these were in vain; for he did loiter and halt ever. In the summer he did wait for the coming of rwinter, and when the winter was come he did call for summer again. And the men did die by the way by hundreds and by thousands, even as the leaves of the forest when they do fade. Ard when at certain-times the battle was joined, and any of his captains did fight valiantly and come near to smite the enemy, lo he drew back and did abandon the captainl, even as Joab did unto Uriah. Thus he did waste hundreds of days, and thousands of lives, and million' of dollars Until the heart of tie nation did grow sick of him, and they bade him away; for they said, His hand is page: 26-27[View Page 26-27] 26 TIE MALIGNANTS. with the Workers but his heart is with the Idlers. 5. Howheit when he was dismissed he did ride furiously, and travelled farther in one week then he had marched in a year. 'Then the Malignants did provide for him a palace for his dwelling; and he doth live upon the fat of the rand, and he holdeth out his hand every month for his pay fromn the people whose cause he betrayed; and he eateth meat and drinketh wine with the un- fatithful. - 6. Now the other acts of Bee Glorious and some things that he did, are they not written in his own chronicles which he styleth a i Report," which consumed three hundred days in the writing thereof, and the scrolls of which loadeth as it were an ox-cart, and which no man can read from the beginning unto the end and live? 7. Furthermore the sons of Belial do shout around him when he maketh a jour- ney, even as did the silversmiths of Ephesus of old time, saying, Gieat is Bee Glorious and he shall be our ruler; and some of them do urge him to become even his own trum- peter, and they do furnish him with MOUTII THE MALIGNANTS. 27 PIECES, but lo, it doth so fall out, that what- ever instrument he doth essay to use, .whe- ther horn, or bugle, or trumpet, it becometh in his hand a PENNY WHISTLE! 8. And in the same path with Jorje Bee Glorious goeth the Man of Wax. Now he is named not after the wax of the bee, nor yet after the honest wax of the shoemaker, but after the wax of Wax Hall, and his Christian name is Richard. 9. Now Richard personally hath striking developments-he may be called an embodi- ment ot CAPILLARY ATTRACTION. In speech he is fluent; in oratory indescribable; in of- fice ridiculous; in politics Loco Foco. On the highway he twirleth the small staff as if he were born to wield it, and all the lads at Girard his College do envy his proficiency therein, and do hold him in fellow feeling. 10. Now the father of Richard was of the original Broadbrims: as men might say, a very Hebrew of Hebrews; the leading vir- tue of which sect is to be humble; and some of them did lead off so actively as to become proud of their humility--but no names are given. The father gathered riches and good fame. the son enjoys the one and wastes the other. But the religion of Richard is not page: 28-29[View Page 28-29] 28 THE MALIGNANTS. definable; yet his principal belief is in a fine head of HAIR! ". But Richard "goeth with the party," because he hath been going to Parties all of his life: he knoweth nothing else! When he did journey to Europe, he still went to parties, until at one he did dance even with the English queen. (The precise figure they did cut is not recorded, but discreet judges believe it to have been a waltz, for his head bath seemed to have been turned ever since that his body did re-turn.) But he not only goeth with the party, but as men say, he "goeth it blindS' and therefore he goeth for Woodward! 12. What time. the Idlers did imminently threaten the city, Richard felt it due to his name that he should MELT, and proposed to mollify the invaders by certain dissolving views of himself expressed in the great Hall of the Independants; but, happily for others, haply for himself, the opportunity was post- poned. And as Richard sticketh to the party (as is the nature of Wax,) when the party goeth to perdition, it is presumable that he will go there likewise. Of a surety, in contemplation of such a fate, is it not as it were a mockery to say farewell? I I I
