Tippletonia and the countries adjacent
page: (TitlePage) [View Page (TitlePage) ]TIPPLETONIA TERRE HAUTE 1854. page: 0Illustration[View Page 0Illustration] page: 0[View Page 0] Entered according to act of Congress, in the year 1854, BY ADRIAN CHLD. he District Court of the United States, for District of Indiana. INTRODUCTION. ON this occasion, little is to be said, and per. haps less to be read, for such is the common fate of introductions- "But if you find it wondrous short, It can not hold you long." The thoughts which follow, are suggested by the present state of legislation, more particu- larly in the West, on a subject bearing directly upon the industrial interests and moral welfare of the masses. If that consideration be not a sufficient apology for giving these thoughts to the public, I have none to offer. Objection may be taken to the style that has been adopted, on the ground that subjects of a moral bearing should be treated with a more becoming gravity. To this I have only to say, that sober, earnest, faithful, and persevering discussion, have done much, and will do much more, but they have not by far accomplished all ;he necessary reforms; and if satire can be page: iv-5[View Page iv-5] iv INTRODUCTIO N. made available, to any extent, in defining the true position of the liquor vender, his retainers, and supporters, its use is justifiable. I must admit the justness of the criticism, however, on another account, and that is, that the thing represented is in itself so monstrously hideous, that no caricature can possibly equal the reality. If it be further said, that the picture evinces a too free use of charcoal, I answer, that is the fault of the subject, and not of the limner. If parabolic representation is to be allowed at all, it must be manifest to every one, that a much darker shading would have come far short of a faithful representation of the original. THE AUTHOR. CHAPTER I. ARRIV;A Q E THS A04sT. A rEW years since, my attention was drawn to a very brief notice of the country, a descrip- tion of which follows. It was contained in a fragment of an old newspaper, which, as my custom is, I have stowed away so carefully that it can not be found. This circumstance is to be regretted, for the itotice though brief, as above stated, was evidently from the pen of one who had a familiar acquaintance with the topo graphy of this remarkable region. There is probably no country on the face of our globe, whose history is more replete with interest than that of this which I propose to describe. Nor is this interest limited to its geographical position, its elevations and depres- sions, its rivers, lakes, cities, villages, soil, climate, and productions. A rich field, is also open to the moralist and the philanthopist, the antiquarian and the scholar. It is said, upon good authority, to have been knwna to the ancients. It was visited by Noah and Lot, and was explored by Belshazzar and Alexander the Great, and by mapy others, from their time down to the present, from every kindred, peo- page: 6-7[View Page 6-7] 6 ARRIVAL ON THE COAST. pie, nation, tribe, and tongue under the whole heavens. Indeed, it has been a sort of omnium gatherum for mankind in general, and historical reminiscences of thrilling interest might be gathered from the incidents of travel of the multitudes who have journeyed thitherward. In truth, Ijdoubt not many of the great events which have marked, the history of the world, such as the setting up and upsetting of empires, thrones, dominions, dynasties, demijohns, decan- ters, and other perishable things, have received their first impulses from ideas and impressions gained or lost in this land of wonders. I: am not aware that astronomical observa- tions have determined the precise locality of this tract of country, but it is believed to be situated a little this side of the torrid zone of that remarkable region of shades and shadows to which the light of the sun has never yet penetrated, but which is dimly illuminated by lucifer matches, molten lava, and other volcanic substances. The reader might have learned from a pre- vious, chapter, had I not begun with this, by what fortunate circumstance I was cast upon these shores. Fortunate, I say, because, had it happened otherwise, all that is about to be said for your edification, dear reader, would have been as a hidden, untimely birth. Think of that, My friend, and as you peruee these pages, ARRIVAL ON THE COAST. 7 as you follow me step by step through what, but for me, might to you have remained the shadowy unknown, congratulate yourself and the rest of mankind that it is even as it is. After all, it is of little consequence how it fell out that I fell into this exploring expedition; you will therefore please to observe, that I am arrived upon the coast, and am ready to begin my wanderings. But let me not weary you with the tedium of the ascent by which my way was wended from the low and marshy shore on which I landed, to the mountain range which lay in the dis- tance; nor with the laborious details of sur- mounting its rugged sides. You have doubtless read of the ascent of Mont Blanc, Mount Wash- ington, and other places remote from the center of gravity, by adventurous sightseers. If you have not, read them at your leisure, and imag- ine the while, that all the perils they encoun- tered, and all the difficulties they overcome, and all the dangers they escaped, and as many more as any reasonable imagination can supply, were encountered, and overcome, and escaped, as I clambered from crag to crag, and surmounted peak after peak, where "hills peeped o'er hills, and alps on alps arose." (Excuse the change of tense, if you please.) Let the reader, I say, imagine all these feats accomplished, these hair- breadth escapes escaped, and the lofty summit page: 8-9[View Page 8-9] 8 ARRIVAL ON THE COAST. of the last range attained. Now let us rest awhile, and while we rest, look out upon the vast domain upon which we are about to enter. Here on our left, stretching away beyond the point of vision, peak after peak arises, towering above the mountain range like mighty Cyclops, lifting their shaggy heads toward the arched canopy above; while on our right, bending southward with a gentle curve, the range de- clines, and, by scarcely perceptible gradations, sinks to the level of the plains below. Adown the sides of these stupendous hights, to which each passing cloud pays tribute from its wealth of waters, cascade after cascade leaps, sports, and plunges, now hidden from the sight by clustering evergreens, and anon emerging from their darksome shade, enwreathed in mists, and bestudded with countless rainbows. Spread out below, further than the eye can measure, lie the plains, reposing in creation's primeval loveliness. The gushing fountains, meeting at the moun- tain's base, form a gently-flowing river, which, in the far off glistening sheen, trails its silvery course through groves of overhanging verdure. Such, gentle reader, was the prospect spread out to my enraptured vision, and, having dwelt with delight upon its various beauties, I set out with alacrity to pursue my journey thitherward, with the intention of exploring, as will be nar- rated iin CHAPTER II. THE HGHLANDS OF SOBRETY. THS delightful region is an elevated table land, of gently undulating surface, with a soil of only moderate fertility, but with capacities for a high order of culture, as is sufficiently ev- ident from its productions under the hand of prudent and skillful husbandry. Its proximity to the mountains gives it a climate of great sa- lubrity, with an atmosphere bracing, healthful, and invigorating. The ruggedness of the sur- face in some localities is agreeably relieved by a feature which imparts to this region its high- est charm; those gushing fountains of pure cold water, which send up their sparkling treas- ures, and come laughing and bounding from a thousand hills, murmuring the praises of Him whose power called them forth to gladden the face of nature with their picturesque beauty. Well might the Hebrew minstrel, in view of such a landscape, exclaim "Let the floods clap their hands, Let the hills be joyful together before the Lord." The remark above, relative to the capacities of the soil, under the hand of prudent and skillful husbandry, may have suggested to the reader's fancy, the idea of a people pursuing a plodding, page: 10-11[View Page 10-11] 10 THE HGHLANDS OF SOBRIETY. laborious life, consisting mainly of a dull round of ploughing, hoeing, planting, digging, har- vesting, and such like drudgery; and if the truth must be told, there is a great deal of time de- voted to pursuits of this sort, by the Soberland- ers who inhabit the "rural districts." Were I to consult the taste of some of my readers, it might be well to omit descriptions like this, for, doubtless, to a numerous class, such a pic- ture presents no beauty that they should ad- mire it. The young men who go up and down the world with cigars in their mouths, and twenty-five-cent novels sticking out of their pockets, I greatly fear will be disgusted at the mention of such things. My dear Sirs, don't be alarmed. Although the thought of them is enough to make your very bones ache, there is really very little danger that you will ever actually come in contact with anything of the sort. Instead of contempt, I bespeak your com- passion in behalf of these poor people, who de- vote their whole lives to delving in the earth, the raising of domestic animals, the setting of hedges, the building of walls, and even- of worm fences, the production of grains, the cul- tivation of fruits, relieved, to be sure, occasion- ally, by some little effort at the embellishment of their homes; and interspersed with occasional acts of benevolence and good-will toward men. It must be remembered that these deluded peo- THE HGHLANDS OF SOBRIETY. " pie, never having enjoyed the advantages of polished society, and brandy and water, are quite unaware, of their great privations, and are consequently living on in blissful ignorance of their forlorn condition; so that, upon the whole, perhaps they enjoy as much of contentment as usually falls to the lot of mortals in this much abused world of ours. Who knows but their condition may be as favorable as that of any gl discontented Rasselas who has forsaken a quiet home, to wander about the world in pursuit of the retreating shadow of happiness. As already hinted, Soberland presents to the eye of the beholder a succession of highly cul- tivated domains, interspersed with rich displays of pastoral beauty. Fields of waving corn, orchards laden with luscious fruits, and the cattle upon a thousand hills, give ample evi- dence that its inhabitants have been most punc- tilious in the observance of the eleventh com- mandment, by means of which some economists suppose the largest fortunes have been accu- mulated. Nor is the evidence wanting that although every one has been careful to " mind his own business," the public interests have been cared for likewise. If comfortable dwellings, finely arranged grounds and well appointed means to secure the enjoyment of happy homes abound,- the plain, substantial and capacious edifice, page: 12-13[View Page 12-13] 12 THE HGHLANDS OF SOBRIETY. where the whole country around assemble on the Sabbath for the worship of Him whom they revere as the Almoner of all their mercies, also shows that, it has not been neglected; while scattered here and there, over all the land, the school-house lifts its modest roof beneath the spreading branches of its quiet groves, each with a swardy plat near by, where holes for /Cr marbles, and btts and byes for bulls, show unmistakable signs that cattle and corn are not the only products of this genial clime. Were I disposed to moralize, I should be tempted to pause here, and devote a space to a subject on which I have bestowed some reflec- tion. Somebody, I have forgotten who, has said, "God made the country and man made the town." From this observation is inferred the perfection of Almighty Wisdom on the one hand, and the grossness of human depravity on the other. Intellectually, the country in gen- eral, attains to mediocrity only, while the town develops the extremes of intellectual and mo- ral excellence, as wellas of degradation and vice, It is the contact of mind which the country lacks, and the town has, that developb both these conditions. The town has been called an intellectual hot-bed, and so it is, for it sends forth an enormous and precocious growth, but like other hot-beds, it has a filthy compost at the base. There are a thousand forms of pon- THE HGHLANDS OF SOBRIETY. 13 strous wickedness in town, of which the country is happily both innocent and ignorant. Man's natural tendency is downward rather than up- ward, and that mental conflict, which gives intellectual and perhaps moral superiority to the virtuous, educates young sinners with won- derful facility. Congregated masses contain much the largest proportion of the baser sort, and the town would become utterly depraved but for the material which the more virtuous country constantly supplies. By far the largest number of the eminent men of the city were boys from the country, or at least those of the second generation; for, like some other exotics, the stock goon runs out. It is not to be inferred, that all or even a large portion of those who come from the country maintain their purity. The blandishments of city life draw multitudes from their quiet homes, most of whom, like the foolish moth, fly headlong into the blaze and are lost. A few, with principles early imbibed, and a foundation of character too deeply laid to be undermined by the vicious under-current, or else warned by the fate of the rash and incon- siderate, hold fast to their integrity;' and these are the men who give moral tone to city life; they are the Lots who redeem it from utter over- throw. If experience demonstrates the truth of these observations, the salvation of the land is to be page: 14-15[View Page 14-15] " THE HGHLANDS OF SOBRIETY. found in its country homes. Those stagnant pools which breed putrescence and contagion, are to be made healthful by the streams which issue from these fountains of purity. Who then shall estimate their value in the moral scale? I aver there is more moral power in an embow- ered cottage surrounded by tastefully arranged grounds, and forms of living beauty, than in many a two hours sermon, divided into seven heads, and each head into seven sub-divisions, with a " brief improvement" by way of appli- cation. No disrespect my clerical friend, to your holy calling, for my right hand. The Gospel you proclaim, is the hope of our race, without doubt, but here is an "instrumentality" too much overlooked. CHAPTER III. OVER THE BORDER. HAVING passed through the country of the Soberlanders, we enter upon a territory of some- what different aspect. Tippletonia is a tract of country comprising much the largest portion of the entire district, and lies immediately south of Soberland. It is interspersed with numerous rapid streams which rise in the hills of upper Soberland, and has natural advantages altogether superior to those of the region lying above. , On entering this territory, the first impres- t sion made upon the mind of the traveler is the singular difference in the character Of its inhab- itants, from that of their northern neighhors. , In the first place, they seem to be wholly insen- sible to the advantages of their position. There - is a great extent of finely-timbered country, with a soil capable of sustaining a population equal to that of China, lying upon the frontiers of this province, over which its inhabitants roam in a semi-barbarous state, in total igno- rance of the great value of their inheritance. A brief description of some of their habits of life may not be without interest to the reader. page: 16-17[View Page 16-17] 16 OVER THE BORDER. Sam Johnson has given us the inimitable dis- course of the renowned philosopher of Cairo, wherein he solves the great problem of human happiness with such wonderful perspicuity, and such convincing force, as should put every grumbling son of discontent to silence. But let me not mar the grace of the fashion of his discourse, nor obscure the perspicuity of of his deductions. Let the philosopher speak for himself: "The time is already come," quoth he, "when none are wretched but by their own fault. Nothing is more- idle than to inquire after happiness which nature has kindly placed within our reach. The way to be happy is to 'S live according to nature, in obedience to that universal and unalterable law with which every heart is originally impressed, which is not writ- ten by precept,-but engraven by destiny; not i te' by education, but infused at our na- tivity. He that lives according to nature will suffer nothing from the delusions of hope or the importunities of desire; he will receive and reject with equability of temper, and act or suf- fer as the reason of things shall alternately pre- scribe. Other men may amuse themselves with subtle definitions or intricate ratiocinations. Let them learn to be wise by easier means; let them observe the hind of the forest, or the lin- net of the grove; let them consider the life of OVER THE BORDER. 17 animals whose motions are regulated by in- stinct; they obey their guide and are happy. Let us therefore cease to dispute, aod learn to live; throw away the incumbrance of precepts, which they who utter them with so much pride and pomp do not understand, and carry with us this simple and intelligible maxim: that devia- tion from nature is deviation from happiness." Truths which appeared so obvious to the phi- losopher, and which were advanced with so much confidence, inspired his auditory with a desire to know what it was to " live according to nature." "' To live according to nature," continued the wise man, " is to act always with due regard to the fitness arising from the relation and quali- ties of causes and effects; to concur with the great and unchangeable scheme of universal felicity; to co-operate with the general disposition and tendency of the present system of things." And having thus said, the philosopher rose up and departed, with the air of a man who had co-operated with the present system. Whether these are they whom the philosopher had in his mind's eye or not, it may be safely affirmed that the borderers of Tippletonia have approximated as near to the condition of those who live according to nature as any race yet discovered. A type of this species is always found upon the outposts of civilization in our 1* page: 18-19[View Page 18-19] 18 OVER THE BORDER. own country. He dwells in a rude cabin, built of round logs, covered with clapboards and poles, with sometimes a puncheon floor, and sometimes not. With that contempt for labor which characterizes his species, he erects his bedstead with a single post, which receives one end of the side and foot rails, the other ends being inserted in the cracks between the logs of his cabin; his bed-cord is made of hickory bark; he has no-occasion for a window, for the door is always open; and if it were not, light enough comes down the chimney, which is of suffi- cient dimensions to receive a log of firewood ten feet in length by three feet in thickness, which is a great saving of labor in the business of wood chopping. Some wooden stools, a table on legs set in auger holes, some tin-cups, three cracked plates and a skillet, which first bakes the pone, and then fries the bacon, com- plete the inventory of "household and kitchen furniture." He has a clearing of two acres and a quarter, surrounded by a dense forest and a worm fence from four to six rails high, with here and there a few'spindling, sickly stalks of corn, which seem to have exhausted all their energies in endeavoring to raise their fever-and- ague looking stalks and leaves above the rag-, weed, smart-weed, and so forth, with which they are surrounded. Before the door stands a bob-sled bearing a water-barrel, which an OVER THE BORDER. 19 ancient one-eyed mare, wearing a ponderous yoke, hauls from the "branch" half a mile off. An ax, with a bit of two and a poll four inches in breadth, with a helve as straight as a hoe-handle, and a rifle, fawnskin pouch, and powder-horn complete the arrangements and all the arrangements necessary for "living according to nature." The mechanical world make great pretensions to labor-saving machinery. Let them visit our squatter and learn wisdom. The yoke which dangles at that old mare's neck, is made of a hickory withe, and cost half an hour's labor; and it saves days and perhaps weeks of hard work in splitting rails and building stake-and- ridered fences. True, it does not always keep the old mare out of the field; but then if she does get in, very little damagaeis done. That bob-sled, made from the' crotch of a forked sapling, and that old'whiskey barrel, which only cost a coon skin, what have they not saved in digging and delving into the bowels of the harmless earth for water Talk about books! trash! subtle disquisitions, rambling argumentations, sentimentalisms, and transcendentalisms, what are these, that they should fill men's noddles with their vagaries? Who are they who spend their time in poring over books, and anon studying book farming? Is not friend squatter a head and shoulders page: 20-21[View Page 20-21] 20 OVER THE BORDER. above the best of them? and when the census man comes round, does he not count as much as any of them, aye, and more too, with his troop of girls in copperas colored frocks, and boys with flax-colored hair, dirty faces and bare legs, with the mother and her cob-pipe, stray locks and slip-shod shoes, trailing at his heels. What cares he whether the tariff is high or low, when a coon skin, more or less, will pay his share of the " tax upon the consumer?"Where- fore should he be concerned that the "rivers and harbors are improved," when the only con- sequence to him will be to let in the steamboats to scare away the muskrats and frighten the catfish from his hook? As little is he con- cerned about the principle of rotation in office, as he never intends to run for President, and "as for the t, he doesn't know whether it looks most like a possum or a wild-cat. He once visited a managerie and inquired for it, but the keeper told him it was dead. This is not the domain of the hardy pioneer, whose homely log cabin, rude though it be, is full of activity, energy, and whole-souled hospitality, who subdues the forest, and makes the wilderness to blossom as the rose, a most admirable character, and ever to be regarded as a benefactor of his race. But it is the dwelling- place of him who shuns the face of civilization and the generous activity of hands ever ready OVER THE BORDER. 21 and willing to work out their own independence and their country's prosperity, as the owl and the bat shun the light of day. It is the abode of one whose notions are regulated by animal instincts, and who has consequently solved the great problem of human felicity, who "lives according to nature and co-operates with the present system.' page: 22-23[View Page 22-23] CHAPTER IV. THE INTERIOR. ADVANCING from the border t2 a part of the country more densely inhabited, the character of its people is no less strongly marked. There are many remains of fine farms, and highly cultivated districts, but they are now mostly in a state of decline. The most fastidious lady in the most fashionable circle, is not more keenly sensitive to neglect than are walls, fences, and hedges among the rustics. They have, too, an equally unequivocal way of showing their sense of the wrong, when "cut" by their former friends and acquaintances. They often take this sort of treatment in high dudgeon. Many a worm fence has been known to pull up stakes and leave the neighborhood; others sprawl about like newly-saddled colts, and throw their riders; gates off their hinges, as stubborn as Mordecai the Jew, stand not up, nor are moved, when approached by their arro- gant and supercilious owners, who, day after day, pass by their broken hinges and shattered frames without so much as a look of compas- sion; and walls are ever ready to drop a stone upon the head of any one who comes beneath them, regardless of their crumbling condition, THE INTERIOR. 23 Here you may see longnosed, slabsided hogs, marching with measured step and monotonous grunt up and down the lanes, inspecting with curious eye, every crack and cranny in the fence. Presently, Mrs. Sow and her squealing progeny find the well-known opening, where the rails, smoothly coated with mud, and wide enough apart to admit her shark-shaped body flatwise, show to her practised. eye the place of ingress. But here is an impediment. The occupant of the freehold, taken with a sudden fit of industry, and led to the place by unmistakable marks of her previous visits, has thrust a pole or broken rail into the aperture. Now any well-bred swine might regard this as a gentle hint that it would be as agreeable, if not to] all the par- ties, at least to one of them, if she would be kind enough to remain outside; but swinish dispositions, whether in the biped or quadruped race, are proverbially slow in taking hints, and without more ado, with a thrust of her insin- uating snout, and a contemptuous grunt, the barrier is dislodged, and in she marches with her hungry train, seeking what they may devour. , The houses of this district, or some of them, appear to have been painted at some period of their history; but lapse of time, and the war of elements, have left it somewhat uncertain as to the original color. The windows also appear page: 24-25[View Page 24-25] 24, THE INTERIOR. to have had glass in them, and in some, a few panes yet remain to tell the story of better days; but they have dissolved partnership with most of their former associates, and old hats, greasy paper, and certain garments of the male and female gender, have been taken in the firm in their stead. Some people hang their barn-doors on hinges; but any one who properly understands mechan- ical forces, must perceive that doors arranged in that way are very liable to be swinging and slamming about when high winds prevail; and high winds do prevail very often, as any one may see by consulting the almanac. The Tip- pletonians avoid this inconvenience by setting the door on one edge and leaning it against the doorway. I have seen a contrivance even more secure than this, consisting of a number of fence-rails laid crosswise on the doorway. I have seen many such, and in no single instance, have I known or heard of a door of this kind being blown back and forth by the winds. Some people too, have a filthy way of taking manure from their barnyards, and scattering it all' over the farm. In fact I observed this prac- tice among the Soberlanders, although, in the general way, they were very neat and cleanly. The Tippletonians have seldom been known to commit such an infraction of good order and decency. They leave the mass to aoumulate THE INTERIOR. 25 in one place. If the accumulations of succes- sive years should become too deep to be crossed with safety, you may easily go around it, if you can find a way, and if you can not, you can bridge your way to the stable door by throwing down a few rails, or something of the sort. Care should be taken, however, not to slip off especially in wet weather. There are many orchards, but the caterpillars have mostly taken and hold undisturbed pos- session of them. Long suckers are also seen shooting up around the bodies of the trees; and little hard, bitter apples hang in knots on the gnarled and moss-covered branches, which make one's mouth water with a persimmon-like flavor to look at them. The reader expects me to say next, that the gardens are grown up with weeds and briers, and set with' crab-grass; but I shall say no such thing. You are at liberty to imagine them per- fect Edens, if you choose. Neat cattle among the Tippletonians, are mostly home-bred. Now and then, the last remains of a Durham or a Devon may be seen, but in a general way, raw bones, shaggy ears, and crumpled horns, give evidence at once of their parentage and breeding. They pride themselves somewhat more in horseflesh, though most of these animals are of small size, with spindle shanks and gaunt bellies. Theii great 2 . page: 26-27[View Page 26-27] 26 THE INTERIOR. value does not consist in strength for the draught, but in fleetness of foot for "quarter races." They may usually be seen on public occasions blanketed from nose to tail, with eye- holes listed with red, led around among the crowd by a jockey seated on a less favored ani- mal, who makes his presence and importance felt by swaggering, and swearing that he can "outrun anything on the grit," and offering large bets against the " fastest nag that can be started." '" f CHAPTER V. WATER AND WATER-COURSES. ONE of the most remarkable features of Tip- pletonia, is the singular character of its water- courses. It is known that most of them have their sources in the upper department of Sober- land, and in the further off mountain range, which forms its northern barrier. These streams retain their character until they enter the bor- ders of Tippletonia, passing through which, they receive various tributaries, by which their character is entirely changed. By reference to the map, it will be seen that the Agua Frigida is the principal river of Soberland. After it enters Tippletonia, it receives the Champaign, the Hock, the Claret, the Port, and some others from the west, and the Burgundy, Teneriffe, Sherry, Madeira, and others from the east. Along these streams there are numerous watering-places, to which the Tippletonians resort in great numbers. The springs which supply them are by many regarded as contain- ing highly medicinal properties; it is not, how- ever, fully settled that they have ever wrought many permanent cures; though I have under- stood that plethora of the pocket has been page: 28-29[View Page 28-29] 28 WATER AND WATER-COURSES. greatly relieved by a free use of their waters. The chemical analyses of these waters, have detected the presence of various foreign sub- stances, animal, vegetable, and mineral; but how these substances ever found their way into them, is'a matter of profound mystery to most people. There is also a strange delusion among those who use these waters, in regard to their origin and qualities, consisting in a belief that they are not the product of their own coun- try, and other odd fancies concerning them. They are bottled and sent around the country for sale, and the, venders of them give them high-sounding foreign names, by means of which the simple folks are induced to buy them at high prices. The waters of Port may be mentioned for instance. This is a considerable stream which enters from the west. It heads in a stagnant marsh, the waters of which have been analyzed, and the accumulations of sedi- ment have been carefully examined. A cask of it kept for sale, was found to contain four gallons of cider, two gallons of inferior brandy, four ounces of ground logwood, a half-pound of biuised rhatany root, one ounce of alum, a quantity of the raspings of red Sanders-wood and Brazil-wood, cochineal, and a solution of cream of tartar. The vender of this compound, had the address to make his customers believe the liquid they were swallowing came from WATER AND WATER-COURSES. 29 Oporto, a town of the kingdom of Portugal; and that it was the juice extracted from a species of grape found there; when it had, in truth, never been five miles from the place where it was vended, and the only relation it ever bore to grapes, was an extract of raisin-seed infused into it to give a flavor. Another peculiarity of the waters of this stream is, that they are not always of the same color. Sometimes they assume a deeper shade than common, when they are found to contain the petals of red poppies, beet-root, juice of elder-berries, bilberries, privet berries, mulber- ries and sloes. Nor are they always of the same taste. Sometimes with more astringency than usual, they are found to contain oak saw-dust, king, salts of copper, etc. They have yet another quality, which bibbers call the " boquet." This has been found to be produced by the presence of Orris-root, sweethrier, bitter almonds, elder- flowers, and clary. They are sometimes found to contain carbonates of soda, potash, and lime, which are comparatively harmless; but more frequently infusions of litharge, sugar of lead, and other deadly poisons, are detected. The Sherry, a stream entering from the east, when analyzed, is found to contain burnt brown sugar, essential oil of bitter almonds, extract of laurel leaves, precipitates of lead, sheep's blood, and other like interesting ingredients. It is page: 30-31[View Page 30-31] 30 WATER AND WATER-COURSES. the serum of sheep's blood which imparts to the waters of Sherry, that delicate paleness which gives them so high a value in the estima- tion of imbibers. At some distance below the tributaries already mentioned, the Malt puts in from the west. This stream is divided into three princi- pal branches, called the Ale, Porter, and Brown Stout, and several others of lesser note. Their waters are also found to contain a singular in- fusion of foreign substances, such as coculus indicus, henbane, opium, Bohemian rosemary, aloes, quassia, wormwood, gentian, ginger, cas- sia buds, capsicum, treacle, tobacco juice, burnt sugar, sulphuric acid (oil of vitrioD, alum, cop- peras, salt of tartar, black extract, Leghorn juice, and bitter bean. The Tippletonians swal- low this luscious beverage, smack their lips, and call it good! The principal towns of this region are Cob- bler, at the mouth of the Sherry, Free-and-easy, a little below the confluence of the Champaign, and Red-nose, opposite the mouth of the Malt. The last is a place of considerable commercial importance, carrying on an extensive trade in the "mineral waters" of the neighboring stream. Tippleton, the capitol of the country, though not its largest city, is situated a few leagues further down, at the junction of two other large streams, the Gin, entering from the east, and WATER AND 'WATER-COURSES. 31 the Brandy, from the west. The former is divided into two principal branches, the Hol- land and the American Forks. The Mountain Sprout is also a considerable tributary of the American Fork. The waters of this stream are found to contain oil of juniper, hops, oil of tur- pentine, alum, carbonate of potash, almond oil, sulphuric acid, spirit of wine, common salt, caustic potash, and creosote. The towns of Red-eye, Cocktail, Poker, and Diddlersville, are situated upon this stream. The Brandy, entering from the west, is formed by the junction of the French and American Forks; the former of which receives the Cham- paign, the Seignette, the Otard, the Cogniac, and some others. Its towns are Upper and Lower Julep, Punch, Brag, and at its mouth, Rotten Retreat. Its waters are found to contain nearly the same ingredients as the streams already mentioned, with the addition of aqua ammonia, saffron, mace, extract of almond cake, cherry-laurel water, terra japonica, and spirits of nitre. Rum river is the next important tributary which enters from the east. Its three principal branches are the New England, Jamaica, and St. Croix. The towns along its banks are Bloat, Tatterton, Loblolly, Flip, Twaddle, and Black- strap. Men who are ambitious of perpetuating their page: 32-33[View Page 32-33] 32 WATER AND WATER-COURSES. names in the world, often confer them upon towns, with the addition of toon, ville, or burgh, as Brownstown, Smithville, Jonesburgh, and the like. In the selection of a iname, the illhab- itants of Bloat, which is the largest town, and situated at the outlet of the river, have hit upon the happy thought of perpetuating 'the memory of the personal appearance of its founders, rather than the name of the proprietor. This is a manifest improvement. What idea do we get of John Smith, because a town is called Siuithville, or of Thomas Brown, because Brownstown is left to perpetuate his memory? Were they tall, with thin visages, acquiline noses, hollow chests, and limbs extensively bifurcated? Or were they fat, short, and pursy, with full cheeks, pug noses, and bandy legs? But how readily does the bare mention of Bloat suggest the personal appearance of its inhabit- ants, with their blotched faces, watery eyes, putrid breath, and huge obesity, characteristics not only of its founders, but of all who lhave dwelt there until the present day. The next and last important tributary is the Blue Ruin, which enters from the west. Soak- ersbfirgh, its- argest town, is located at the out- let, and Ballface, Tagrag, Loo, Loungersville, Loferton, Roarersburgh, and Screamersville, are situated along its margin. The waters of all these streams are found to WATER AND WATER-COURSES. 33 be strongly impregnated with alcohol, which indeed, predominates in the four last. It is, perhaps, the most destructive of life, when taken in its pure state, of any of these commin- glements, unless we except a compound that the initiated call "'devil," which is often found in Rum river, containing Chili pods infused in oil of vitriol. Some surprise has been expressed, that the people who inhabit along the borders of ttlese various rivers, should possess, as they mostly do, so decided a relish for these mineral waters i but the country is rather sickly, and, as before hinted, many suppose them to contain rare medical virtues. Indeed, they are believed by some to be a universal specific for all maladies. They are supposed to relieve against the conse- quences of heat and cold, faintness and fullness, nervousness and lassitude, and all other 'condi- tions, however opposite. Even the miseries of poverty and the vanity of riches, are not beyond the reach of their healing powers. The former are frequently cured by only one or two doses, so that a patient without a shirt to his back, sud- denly finds himself with more money than he knows what to do with, and no poor relations to give it to. Superabundance of wealth is not relieved so suddenly, but with equal certainty if the patient only peiseveres in the use of the medicines. Nor are the effects limited to page: 34-35[View Page 34-35] 34 WATER AND WATER-COURSES. the regulation of bodily ailments; they often make a sensible impression upon the moral man. A few drachms have been known to cause a man of undoubted courage to run away when really in no danger; and a lazy poltroon has been inspired with so much energy and courage, that he could out-run, out-jump, out- hop, throw down and whip " the best man on the grit." Men never before suspected of remarkable prowess, become transformed into prodigies of strength, such as horses, alligators, and the like; while others possessed of great bodily vigor, become weak in the knees and unable to stand alone. In short, they are, a universal leveler, and bring all who use them regularly, first or last, to the same condition. They are all ultimately found standing (or lying) on the same common level. CHAPTER VI. COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. THE rivers of Tippletonia are generally navi- gable, and are mostly traversed by steamers propelled by engines constructed upon the high pressure principle. They are, however, full of rocks, shoals, and eddies, and the navigation is extremely difficult and dangerous, as is abund- antly attested by the numerous remains of shat- tered barks which line their shores, where they have been thrown high and dry by the force of the current. In fact, the wrecking business is perhaps the briskest branch of trade carried on in the whole country, especially in the lower part of it; and the wreckers of Tippletonia well sustain the reputation for benevolence which attaches to those who follow the same calling elsewhere. There is one circumstance concerning these wrecks a little remarkable, which is, that they all occur in the descent of the river. There is a small trade and some emigration from the lower country to the upper, but I have not learned, upon diligent inquiry, of a single seri- ous disaster having occurred on the upward bound trip. page: 36-37[View Page 36-37] 36 COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. As this may fall under the eye of some who are engaged in traversing these waters, it may be interesting to them to know something of the difficult points in the navigation. The first that may be mentioned is Point Justenough* situated a short distance below the mouth of Port. Almost every navigator endeavors to ,effect a landing at this Point, but forty-nine out of every fifty, and perhaps a greater proportion, fail to make it. The current, though not so strong as it is further down, has acquired con- siderable velocity, which makes a landing incon- venient, but the difficulty consists mainly in the fact, that the headland is always so com- pletely enveloped in fog, that the landing-place can not be distinctly seen. There is also an optical illusion about the place, that has caused the destruction of thousands. The navigator approaches it under the confident belief that the point is in full view. He makes an effort to bring his craft to shore, but just at the moment he is ready to cast his cable, he discovers an- other point a-head. In fact, he all at once ac- quires the singular faculty of seeing two at once. He is a little confused, and hesitates in some doubt, but always decides in favor?f the one farthest down, and accordingly swings out into the stream, and puts on steam again. Hie now *Mention was mad'e of this place in the newspaper article referred to in Chapter I. COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. 37 sulposes he has Point Justenough in full view, and no mistake, and with some little resolution makes a second trial; but failing as before, he makes a third and a fourth attempt with the same result, and finally falls off into the current, which at this point sets with tremendous force upon a reef of rocks near the lee-shore, from which very few have the good fortune to make their escape. Ancient crafts which have weath- ered many a storm, with some damage, however, to the upper rigging, but still able to make a sea- worthy clearance, are found lying here, thrown upon their beam-ends, the rudder unshipped, spars all broken, and the hold half-filled with bilge-water, made aromatic by the peculiar sedi- ment found in these rivers, of which mention was made' in the last chapter. Here also are many smaller crafts just from the stocks, which have met their fate on the first voyage, and multitudes of others of every variety of rig and build, piled up and strewn around in intermina- ble confusion. Point Nopoint is situated on the Brandy, a little below the confluence of the French and American Forks. The name given to this landmark, indicates its character. As the voy- ager approaches, he has the Point, as he sup- poses, in full view, but soon discovers that he has mistaken his locality, and that the point is further onward. Having attained this position, page: 38-39[View Page 38-39] 38 COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. he sees it yet a-head, and in this way, he passes entirely around the promontory, and does not find the point at all. This place was once appropriately described by a worthy son of St. Patrick who happened to be journeying thither- ward. Not knowing his way, and having for- gotten the name, he inquired for the place that "when you get there you're not there at all." Many a one circumnavigating this deceitful coast, and wishing to stop at this Point, has found when he got there, that " he was not there at all." He too steams a-head, until thrown into a whirlpool or upon some reef, where he "brings up," not because he would, but not- withstanding he wouldn't. Speaking of whirlpools, eddies, etc., these rivers are full of them, where travelers are engulfed every day. It not unfrequently hap- pensthat the Soberlanders, venturing out upon a pleasure trip a little beyond the borders of their own country, before they are aware of any danger, find themselves drifting down, and as the velocity of the current increases at every bend of the river, their cases often become hopeless while yet unconcious that they have lost sight of their own happy shores. One cir- cumstance to which numerous disasters may be attributed, is, that although fully apprised of the difficulties of the navigation, it ever hap- pens that as dangers thicken, they become more COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. 39 reckless of them. The prudent watermen who follow the western rivers of our own country, are wide awake on such occasions. Familiar with the dangers of the way, as they approach a cut-off, an eddy, an island-chute, a short bend, or other difficult place, the watchful pilot calls all hands to "oars," fixes a steady eye upon a projecting point a-head, and an object in a direct line beyond it, and with cool circumspec- tion, watches the motion of his craft. If the object opens from the point, his practised eye at once perceives that she is drifting into the "bend"' which is lined with snags and "saw- yers," and swept by a resistless current. The order is promptly given to "pull away." In- stantly the " sweeps" are manned, and bearing them down, their ponderous blades are lifted dripping from the water; back, back, they go, and raising high their sweeps, the boatmen apply their shoulders, and " heave away" with all the strength of body and limbs combined. The pilot walks his running-board with a quick, firm tread, with body braced, and shoulder to his oar, throws down the A, and heads his ,4 vessel in to "hug the point." The unwieldy craft yields to the force of vigorous strokes, put in with right good will, and moves her ponder- ous length through the turbid waters; nor until all possible danger is past, is the order given to "ease oars." page: 40-41[View Page 40-41] 40 COMMEiCEO AND NAVIGATION. Not so with the Tippletonian. He ' cuts out" with a iew easy strokes, and resigning him- self to the mercy of the current, floats on with careless indifference. Down, down he goes, and if dangers thicken, he shuts his eyes or looks another way. Often like Saul, who, beset with evil spirits, called for music to allay their de- moniac tauntings, he brings out the fiddle, and seeks to frighten away rocks, shoals, and snags, by the squealing of horse-hairs drawn over attenuated cat-gut. Presently, he runs upon a sand-bar, where he lies hard aground until a rise of fortune's flood sets him afloat again. On he goes, bow, stern, or broadside foremost, just as it happens, until he drops into an eddy. Here he circles about for a time, among old wrecks and other drift, but imagines, all the while, that he is stationery, and that the rest of the world is whirling around him; but finally he glides out into the stream again. Now a snag rakes him from stem to stern. H-e grinds and grumbles, and creaks over it, in a way that would set a san a man's hair on end. He apol- ' logizes to Mr. Sn,'hopes no offense, did not mean any harm. Next runs into the brush, where a straggling limb knocks him down, but he escapes with no other injury than a bunged eye, which leaves but a slight wound upon his person, and a slighter-one-upon his honor. Having passed these manifold dangers, he COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. 41 glides onward with increasing speed. The sun goes down. 'Tis dark! The winds roar dis- mally, and wildly-rolling tempests howl around him. Ha! there's a light! A few benevolent persons have erected a beacon to warn him of his danger. At feeble effort is put forth to guide his crazy bark in that direction; but the mighty torrent bears him on with resistless force. And now a voice hails him from the shore-"'The falls! the falls!!" He listens with stupid be- wilderment; thinks it a mistake; has heard of the falls, but they are certainly a great way off yet. But hark! The roar of the cataract now reaches even his benumbed faculties, and terror drives the dull and dusky red from his blanched visage. Tumultuous waves now foam and flash around him. With a fearful crash, his shattered bark strikes a projecting rock, and throws him prostrate. With wild desperation, he seeks to cling to the rock which proved his ruin, but in vain. On he glides, and in this his hour of extremity, a multitude of laughing demons come to taunt him with horrid premon- itions of his impending fate. He trembles a moment on the frightful verge! With maniac shrieks, the awful plunge is made, and he is gone! Nothing in this whole country, full as it is of strange things, more amazed me than the care- less unconcern with which men put themselves 23 page: 42-43[View Page 42-43] 42 COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. afloat upon these waters, and lead others to fol. low their example. Along the lower border of Soberland, and the country adjacent, there are many men of extensive property, occupying high social positions, who make these aquatic excursions quite frequently. But they never travel alone. Clubs are formed somewhat simi- lar to the yachting clubs, which have attracted so much attention of late. These gentlemen, perhaps a little vain of their wealth and possessions, and not unwilling to be seen of men, attract large numbers of the younger sort; not unfrequently their own sons and those of their near neighbors, who engage in the pastime with no little zest and hilarity. A favorite amusement on these occasions, is to try how near they can run to a whirlpool without being drawn into it and swamped. Some wealthy old codger, who has been often afloat, and knows precisely how much steam his vessel will carry, leads off; and it is suprising to see with what admirable dexterity he will run his craft between an eddy and the main channel. He moves rather cautiously at first, entering the troubled waters by degrees, and for a while holds the helm with a tolerably steady hand. Presently a counter-current strikes him, he takes a leeward lurch, and you think the whirl has fairly got him; but he toddles out into the current again, and shoots a-head with COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. 43 a considerably accelerated momentum imparted by the force of the whirlpool. His eye twinkles with satisfaction at the cleverness with which the feat is accomplished. It is a little glassy, to be sure, and he experiences a slight feeling of bewilderment, as many do from looking upon water in rapid motion; but all things considered, the exploit must be admitted to have been achieved with the skill of one quite familiar with the movement, Now comes one less experienced, following in his wake. It is of course impossible to per- suade him that there can be any danger in fol- lowing a leader so experienced; or anything improper in taking a wealthy old Soberlander, who holds so large a share of the public regard for his guide, and he does follow him with undoubting confidence. The young spark pur- sues his way with a deal of self-complacency, so proud is he of his company. He floats merrily on, never supposing he has veered from the course of his leader, as in truth he has but little. The line, however, between the onward current and one of these eddies is confessedly a nice one, and it requires a very nice discrimination oftentimes to determine whether the navigator is in one or the other. Those on shore, how- ever, can see the line of demarkation much more clearly than the navigator himself, who usually becomes a little confused, and loses his page: 44-45[View Page 44-45] "COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. reckoning. The great difficulty, however, in the maneuver is, to know the exact point at which to take off steam; and it is remarkable that he never does this too soon, but always a little too late. Consequently the first he knows he is "sucked in," and down he goes like Sam Patch, at his last leap, never to rise again. Now and then one is washed ashore, looking and feeling very much like a wet dog, but not quite able to crawl, when an omnibus or sometimes a dtay is put in requisition to carry the interesting youth home to his respectable father, whose respectable example he has been following, of which the respectable father is not aware, but of which all other respectable-people are. It must not be supposed, however, that men of wealth and position are the only promoters of these aquatic diversions, for they are often graced with the smiles of beauty and the resist- less persuasives of sparkling eyes and soft hands, to lead the devotee on his perilous way. On occasions of high festivity, such as weddings, balls, parties, and the like, the inexperienced youth is often challenged to a short excursion; and where gallantry and pleasure are both in- volved, it is not in weak human nature to resist. especially where the affair has the countenance of the "old folks," (for they generally furnish the outfit,) and where public sentiment, as in Tippletonia, yields its encouragement also. In COMMERCE AND NAVIGATION. 45 truth it is no rare thing for an unfortunate being, just about to make his final plunge, to see, oy seem to see, among the taunting demons that surround him, the basilisk beauty which whilom drew him from his happy home, to send him to the Gulf of Infamy and the boiling pit* below. These men of influence are the stool-pigeons, and these ladies are the decoy-ducks of the wreckers of Tippletonia. No wonder they are held in high esteem by them; for without their influence these wreckers would scarcely find plunder worth the trouble of pillage. They might now and then light on a poorly-laden craft from Ballface or Rotten Retreat; but sel- dom would a well-rigged vessel from the Cham- paign or the Sherry, with a valuable cargo on board fall into their hands, but for the kind aid of these respectable people. * Maelstrom, in the Straits of Helle'spoint. This name may seem to be a corruption of that of the ancient Hellespont, but the locality is probably not the same; for it does not appear that the youthful lover who swam that stream so often, to visit his mis- tress, was drawn into a whirlpool. He lost his life by love and cold water. Those who frequently cross the Helle'spoint usually meet with the same disaster, but rarely from the same cause. page: 46-47[View Page 46-47] CHAPTER VII. GUZZLE GREEN. THE euphonious name of Guzzle Green is bestowed upon the lower department of Tipple- tonia. Historians are not fully agreed in res- pect to the origin of this name. The appropri- ateness of Guzzle is manifest from the guzzling propensities of its inhabitants; but why a coun- try should be called Green, when so large a portion of it is bleak and bald, is not so obvious. Whether it may in former days, have been more verdant, as some imagine, or whether the ap- pellation may have been bestowed ironically, or on account of the verdancy of the inhabitants, history does not clearly settle. I do not incline to adopt either of these views, but rather an inference from my own observations while in the country. There are extensive marshes or ponds of stagnant water, covered with conferva, or the green scum which gathers upon such places. These give to the country where they abound, sufficient verdancy to justify the appel- lation, with very little of the picturesqueness or beauty which the word usually implies. It is therefore not incongruous with the term Guz- zle, and at the same time is in harmony with the GUZZLE GREEN. 47 general aspect. Whether correct or not, these are the impressions which led me to the conclusion I formed in respect to the origin of the name. This district is intersected by Tipple river, a large stream formed by the junction of the vari- ous tributaries before mentioned. Having the accumulated volume of all their waters, the cur- rent is very rapid, and the navigation extremely dangerous, being rendered more so by the great falls at its mouth, where it tumbles over an immense precipice, and falls into the Gulf of Infamy, a broad estuary, which extends up a league or so from the Ocean of Oblivion, form- ing a capacious harbor, in which Pauperton, the capital of the province, is situated. The people of this region are much like the other Jippletonians, only more so. Pauperton is the most populous city in the whole country, although it can not in strictness be said to be the most flourishing. Notwithstanding the whole of Guzzle Green is cursed with a most unhealthy climate, where pestilential diseases rage with great malignity, and carry off vast numbers of inhabitants, it is yet a very densely settled terri- tory. Its population is kept up by a very pro- miscuous natural increase and a flood of emi- gration which is incessantly pouring in from the country above. This extensive tract of country lies along the coast, and although possessed of facilities for page: 48-49[View Page 48-49] 48 GUZZLE GREEN. trade superior to those of any other portion of the country, its inhabitants seem wholly insen- sible to the advantages of their position. With a soil capable of maintaining a large popula- tion, and of supplying other countries less favored in this respect, they are a community of consumers instead of producers. They do nothing but absorb, without returning anything to the common stock. The consequence is, they have not only nothing for exportation, but they are often compelled to look abroad for even the commonest necessaries of life. The only considerable annual crop is maize, but this is needed for manufacturing purposes, and can not therefore be spared for bread. Their manufacturing interests are in singular harmony with the other industrial pursuits of the commonwealth. If corn were made into bread it would soon be eaten up and that would be the last of it. Instead of wasting it in this way, the producer sells it to the manufacturer, who puts it through a sort of steaming process and extracts an essence from it, which is called red-eye. This he puts in barrels, and preserves for future use, or sells it back to the producer. ,Now if we look a little into the details of the traffic, we shall find how advantageously it operates for both parties. In the first place, the farmer gets twenty-five cents a bushel for his corn, one bushel of which will produce, with a little GUZZLE GREEN. 49 judicious watering, four gallons of essence, which the manufacturer sells Lack to the farmer at twenty-five cents a gallon, so that one gallon pays for the corn, and the manufacturer has three gallons left. The cost of manufacturing is light, as it is usually done by operatives who are willing to take red-eye at retail price for pay. The manufacturer's profits are therefore easily seen. The producer gets back twenty-five cents worth of red-eye -for his bushel of corn, reduced to about one-eighth of its former bulk, and put up in a compact form for keeping. While it was in the field, cattle and hogs were much inclined to break in and devour it, for in Tippletonia these animals are seldom over-fed, and fences are none of the best. In the crib it was subject to depredations not only from rats but also from the thieving propensities of the people, for which they are a little remarkable. But in this form neither cattle nor hogs, nor even rats will touch it. If the Tippletonians steal it occasionally, it is no great loss; and as to using it as an article of diet, the manufacturing process has imparted to it this singular quality, that the less you take of it tMe better. So remarkable is it for the lat- ter quality that some of the women of Guzzle Green have been heard to boast that they have raised families of nine or ten- children upon red- eye, without a single cow. 3. page: 50-51[View Page 50-51] 50 GUZZLE GREEN. All political economists agree, that other things being equal, home production, home manufacture, and home market, are the three chief elements of national prosperity. Here we have all these elements, with home con- sumption superadded; and when such is the case, who can doubt that all parties make a profit by the operation? To my mind it is as clear as that " four and six are eight, and five's a dozen," the count by which Tippletonian shop-keepers always buy eggs from the simple market-women. Pauperton, although favorably located for trade, has very little shipping. A stranger Mvisiting the strand, would suppose it at some time to have been a place of great maritime importance, from the multitude of broken spars, ropes, and old hulks lying on the beach or floating about in the harbor; but these are the wrecks that have come over the falls, which frequently make a brief lodgment here before drifting out to sea or going down forever. The place is by no means desirable to visit, and I should advise any one traveling this way to go around it if convenient. The houses are small and comfortless, full of filth and vermin, which constantly breed pestilential diseases. The streets are usually knee-deep in mud; and the sewers are allowed to discharge their aromatic contents wherever they can. The shops con- G UZZLE GREEN. 51 tain little for sale except red-eye, jugs, and tobacco. A few of some pretensions to respect- ability, keep a supply of mineral waterfrom the upper country, at the doors of which, conspicu- ous among advertisements of horses, quack medicines, and constable's sales, may be seen a board inscribed- O O! The traveling facilities of Tippletonia are but indifferent, the highways being mostly incum- bered with logs, stumps, and broken rails, and abounding in sloughs and mud-holes. There is little effort at public improvement of any kind, the traveler is left to pick his way through the brush, around mud-holes, and over corduroy plank road, built expressly for "fast young men," leading from Upper Julep to Pauperton, meln," leading fromn Upper Julep to Pauperton, page: 52-53[View Page 52-53] 52 GUZZLE GREEN. with a branch terminating at the Falls of Deli- rium Tremens, over which these enterprising gentlemen make "the more haste the less speed," for they not unfrequently find them- selves tumbled into the ditch. But notwith- standing their numerous misadventures they rarely fail, sooner or later, of arriving at the point of destination. Guzzle Green has neither churches nor school- houses. The only public edifices are the court- house and jail; for the Tippletonians are very tenacious of their rights, and often go to law; hence a court-house is indispensable. The jail being the principal instrumentality for the regu- lating of the morals of the people, is also very necessary. The court-house is situated at the crossing of the two principal thoroughfares of the city, called Loafer street, and Larceny lane. The jail is a short distance below, over against Rotten Row, where the "City Exchange" is located. Near the jail is another structure, erected at the public expense, consisting of two upright posts and a beam, with a falling plat- form, or trap-door in the middle. It is called the " back-door of the world," * and many there be from Guzzle Green who go out thereat. There is also a place of some note called Gal- lows lill, situated on Cape Vagabond, just below the Gulf of Infamy. This hill is of about * McFingal. GUZZLE GREEN. 53 the same altitude as College Hill, in Soberland, which may be seen on the map, of whose inhab- itants the people of the Gallows Hill region sometimes speak with a feeling of mixed envy and contempt, as belonging to the "aristoc- racy," the " upper ten," etc., but instances have been known of sojourners at Gallows Hill get- ting even higher in the world than those of the former place. A plank road has also been constructed from the Rum River country to Gallows Hill, the ordinary facilities being found insufficient to accommodate the increasing travel. Blackguard Island, which lies off the mouth of Tipple River, is much resorted to by the inhabitants of Guzzle Green and other Tipple- tonians. It is easy of access, there being a strong current from the mouth of the river set- ting over upon its shores. The return trip is made more difficult, by the force of this current; but it is not of much consequence, as the attempt to go back is not often undertaken. The place has many attractions, and parties are often seen wending their way thitherward, to enjoy their pastimes, one with a game cock under his arm, another with a greasy pack of cards in his pocket, and yet another with a pack that is not greasy. Elsewhere is one of the most noted resorts of Blackguard Island, but it is visited by none but page: 54-55[View Page 54-55] 54- oGUZZLEL GREEN. gentlemen, men of honor, such as legislators, lawyers, judges, and other dignitaries, whose especial province it is to make and execute the laws. It frequently happens that in legislative debate or forensic argument the parties come to high words, and one calls another hard names, whereupon the party assailed informs his oppo- nent that he is ready to settle the difficulty "here or elsewhere.? Here being an inconve- nient place to use the implements with which these controversies are usually adjusted, lest somebody might be hit, a party is made up for Elsewhere, whither they go, and then the man who has been injured gives the other a chance to mend the matter by shooting at him. If he happens to hit, they forthwith make friends, and are as loving as ever. As before said, gentlemen only are allowed to settle difficulties in this way. When the "Iower ten" quarrel, they are limited to fisti- cuffs for a remedy in personum; but it must not be understood that they monopolize this mode of adjusting disputes, for the dignitaries in the halls of the national legislature occasionally avail themselves of the same privilege. But a man of honor is not restricted to this mode of redress. lie may kill his antagonist, provided the latter be also a man of honor. If a vaga- bond, however, were to kill a gentleman, they would take him to Gallows Hill forthwith, per- GUZZLE GREEN. 55 haps without judge or jury, but at Elsewhere the rule is different. In France this matter is perfectly understood. -I remember to have read, a few years ago, the account of a trial, in that country, of a gentle- man who had shot another. The French law declared killing with premeditation to be assas- sination, but on the trial the law of the duel was proved by witnesses and read from books, and seems to have furnished the rule of decision in the case. The defendant was a French journal- ist, and, of course, was understood'to be a gen- tleman; but he ran a narrow chance of his life by an attempt on the part of the prosecution to prove that he had, some years previously, stolen a watch. Iad this proof been satisfactorily made out, he would no doubt have been con- victed of assassination, for it is a settled rule of the code of honor, both in France and Else- where, that no thief has a right to commit murder. page: 56-57[View Page 56-57] CHAPTER VIII. GOVERNMENT. THE government extends its jurisdiction over the three provinces or departments, viz: Sober- land, Tippletonia Proper, and Guzzle Green, and in form is Democratic' Republican. The people of the country are great politicians, and t have a very a4oeway of talking about their rights. The Lowlanders, particularly, are very tenacious of their ancient immunities, and look with a jealous eye upon all legislators and others whom they suspect to have designs upon their liber- ties. They seem by some means to have got an inkling of politics from this country; and my surprise may be imagined at hearing them quoting freely from the Declaration of 1776. During n:y stay in the country an exciting canvass was pending, and it was my good for- tune, from that circumstance, to be enalled to make some observations upon the operation of their system, and to learn something of the state of politics among them. Their candidates take the stump, and discuss their plrinciples before the people, often with great zeal and energy. On one occasion hav- ing heard that an election was to take place for members of the legislature, and likewise that r GOVERNMENT. 57 the candidates for popular favor were to address the voters, I determined to be present, for the purpose of gaining some further insight into the state of society, and the character of their polit- ical institutions. On arriving at the appointed place, I found a large concourse assembled, and a candidate mounted upon a barrel of red eye, haranguing the multitude in favor of what he called "the glorio s doctrine of Inalienable Rights." IIith- erto I had supposed that our own country had monopolized all the "glory." We have for a long time had "glorious institutions," "glori- ous privileges," "glorious doctrines," and all sorts of glorious doings, even to glorious men and women, and how could I have imagined that there was any glory left for the rest of mankind? But the orator soon convinced me of my error. "The world," said the speaker, " is full of aris- tocracy and oppression." "Some men," said lie, with a significant shake of the head and finger toward an opposing candidate, a most annihilating gesture, "is opposed to the liber- ties of the people. They want to make sump- tuary laws, so that a man shan't eat and drink just what he's a mind to. Now I don't deny but what some men. puts'into their stummicks more than they ort to, and I don't uphold 'er in it; but I am for taking it out of 'eil by moral suasion. I don't believe in passin' laws about page: 58-59[View Page 58-59] 58 GOVERNMENT. eatin' and-drinkin.' After a while they'll want to make laws about what we shall wear, and then the poor folks will have to wear the rich folks' old clothes. Next it will be church and state. Pm for the poor man. I'm for liberty. Did'nt our glorious ancestors fight for liberty?" "The speaker," said I to a by-stander, "seems to glory in a distinguished lineage. Whose son is he?" "The son of old Sally Grimes," said he. "Can't say who his father was." "Some folks, I say," continued the orator, "is opposed to liberty. If you want a man that will stand up for your rights, I'm the feller that will do it. Come, boys, let's licker." With a whoop and hurrah from the gaping crowd, he dismounted from the barrel, and fol- lowed by his devoted partizans made a rush to a neighboring booth, which had a board stuck up in front whereon was written in charcoal- Cae Du4t A egl -I sk .^!' Xee ,/ , - F -,3 GOVERNMENT . 59 Another speaker mounted the barrel, who was also a champion of the inalienable rights doc- trine. Hle maintained that every man had by nature an inherent and unrelinquishable right to pursue happiness in the way most agreeable to himself, and he was in favor of proper legis- lation to secure this privilege. This orator made loud complaints against one Bill Jones, a neighbor of his, for unreasonably and pertina- ciously insisting upon keeping a big bull-dog to guard his turnip patch and garden. The speaker had sold off his corn for red-eye; consequently his hogs had to shirk for themselves. Their appe- tites proving stronger than Jones' fence, they had committed sundry trespasses upon his premises, which the said dog had resented, with all the energy of his dogish nature, and sent the sqealers home in a more pitiable plight than that of the terriers in Jericho, whereat the owner of the swine conceived Jones had en- croached upon his rights and disturbed him in his pursuit of happiness. This was not all. Jones had more fruit than he had any sort of use for; and if his or any of his neighbor's children happened 'to pull off a handfull of cherries, or anything of that sort, the dog was sure to be after them. He believed it was un- lawful, any how, to keep dogs that would bite mankind, and if it wasn't, send him to the legislature and he would make it so. page: 60-61[View Page 60-61] 60 GOVERNMENT. Another orator was of the same opinion. He wished to know what a man's liberties were worth, if his privileges were to be interfered with in this way. He was for carrying the principle somewhat further than his friend who had just addressed them. The only fault he found with his doctrine was, that he did not carry it far enough, as he could show by refer- ence to his own- experience. Labor was a pleasure to some men, but to him it was a sore travail. As happiness was the common object of all mankind, he thought that those who took delight in labor ought to be required to share the profits of their ilidustry with such as had no pleasure in such employments. What gave his reasoning peculiar force was, that he was op- posed to all monopolies, which, he declared, were founded in selfishness. For his own part, there was no selfishness about him, not a whit. He was for allowing every one to pursue happiness in the way that pleased him best. He was so extremely benevolent that he was willing to add to the labors of those who had pleasure therein, by receiving a portion of the avails himself, which would manifestly contribute to the delight of both, and thereby essentially augment the sum of human happiness. While listening to this edifying harangue, I perceived an uproar among the people. Off at one side a crowd was gathered, tow;ard which. G O VRE R N M E N T. 61 every body was running, shouting-" a fight!0a fight!!" There was a dense mass of bodies all pressing toward the center of a ring, in the midst of which were a pair of pugilists, stripped to the hide, with suspenders tied around the middle, dealing blows most lustily this way and that. Others with coats off and sleeves rolled np, were shouting -" liberty!" " inalienable rights!" "pursuit of happiness," etc., and run- ning hither and thither in vain attempts to pen- etrate the-crowd. Presently the rn ass of bodies began to open, and one halt'naked champion was led off in one d n one direction and his antagonist in another. When the multitude was dispersed there appeared in the midst a cage, and in it was a polecat. Wondering what had brought this strange customer to the election, I made some inquiry, when I learned that the owner of the animal was one of the champions in the re- cent fight, and that, like the parties in our Presi- dential campaigns who have adopted coons and roosters as their party emblems, he had chosen this animal as the embodiment and fit repre- sentative of the "glorious" doctrine of inalien- able rights. The other party to the fight, whose admiring gaze had drawn him a little too near, had received a' practical demonstration of this idea, which had struck him with peculiar force. But it 'often happens that truths of this kind that are well enough in theory are found incon- page: 62-63[View Page 62-63] 62 GOVERNMENT. venicnt when reduced to practice; and some- times principles long acquiesced in encounter violent opposition under such circumstances.' So it happened in this instance; for although the gentleman had hitherto received the doc- trine in its utmost latitude, and had even cher- ished it as a favorite idea, he all at once, as it were, imbibed an exceeding repugnance to the sentiment. New converts are ever zealous, and with a view of making a decided demonstration in the beginning, as politicians do when they change sides, he forthwith made war upon the emblem, as the Whigs in this country did upon the Democratic petticoats in 1840. The owner of the beast conceiving a great principle to be involved in the controversy, determined to vin- dicate his position at all hazards, and both parties growing warm, the affair at last had to be settled by wager of battle. While this scene was going on the people were busily voting; and many who. came to de- posit their votes in the ballot-box were borne down by such a weight of "inalienable rights," that they staggered and reeled to and fro, and * Judge Brackenridge, in his "Modern Chivalry," has given a similar illustration, with a somewhat similar application. It is used here not with a design to trench upon the "inalienable rights" of that facetious author, but from the necessity of the case; there being among all created beasts no other animal that can properly symbolize the immunities of the liquor vender. If any body suffers by the comparison, it is the polecat. GOVERNMENTT 63 it was with much ado that they could get up to the polls at all. Some whose load was too great to be carried, and who were yet loth to part with their precious immunities, had lain down to pursue happiness in the dirt. Whether they succeeded in overtaking the object of their pursuit was not so evident; their progress how- ever, judging from appearances, was not re- markably rapid. ,' page: 64-65[View Page 64-65] CHAPTER IX. ZOOLOGY. TinI gathering together of the people was not without the usual accompaniment of cake, apple and melon wagons. Booths also were erected, at which various wares were vended, for the accommodation of such as came to buy; over one of which a black banner fluttered in the breeze, on which was inscribed, in large letters between white and blue, about the color of brimstone blaze, the words "Inalienable Rights," from which I perceived that this was the head quarters of the party bearing that motto. Drawing near, I saw a stall and a strange looking beast therein, monstrous to behold. I presume, that, bating the number of heads and horns, it resembled somewhat the great red dragon in the Apocalyptic vision. It had also the fangs of a serpent, and fiery eyes that glowed upon those around with a devilish sort of fascination which seemed irresistible to those who came within the sphere of its influ- ence. Seeing a screen like unto a pair of Venetian blinds, and a curtain hung up to obstruct the view from without, as showmen are wont to do, ZOOLOGY. 65 I supposed the animal to have been kept for exhibition; but peering behind, I saw that the beast brought profit to its keepers in another way, for I discovered that the animal was of the female gender, and had along the belly several rows of enormous teats, over some of. which was written, "two sucks for a dime," and over some, " one suck for a dlme,a and over others, "a suck for two dimes," and so on. I saw also that the beast was in fashion like unto a girafle, being longest in the borelegs, while the hinder legs were scarcely visible. And the beast crawled in its own slime, and stank, insomuch that the polecat was ashamed, and hid himself. And there was gathered around the beast a motley crowd, who ever and anon laid hold of the teats, and sucked as if starvation were at the door. Those who could afford to pay two dimes stood at the forward nipples. They were mostly well dressed young men, some of whom were lately from Soberland. They came with cigars in their mouths, whiskers combed neatly forward, and smoothly brushed hats, and they had canes in their hands, to flourish withal. These might stand erect while they imbibed the delicious beverage. Those whose habilliments betokened a'scantier purse, and who could pay but one dime, were obliged to go half bent, and were allowed to get hold about the middle. Some a little lower down, were upon all fours, ,. . page: 66-67[View Page 66-67] " ZOOLOGY. while others, with crownless hats, coats out at the elbows, and other garments variously venti- lated, whose funds were low, and whose appe- tites were high, were fain to lie down and root for the low-priced dugs, among the flabby folds of the ponderous belly. Another observable thing was, that the new comers all laid hold forward, where the milk was but thin, and apparently diluted. Some- times, from the smacking of lips, I should have guessed it had been sweetened to a fine relish; -while that in the lower part of the udder ap- peared to be strong, for it was taken with many grimaces and wry faces. And it ever happened that when a new customer came, he rooted away those he found at the forward nipples, who would always in turn greedily snatch at those next below, as the " titman " does when a larger pig drives him away from the dug he has with swinish selfishness appropriated to his own especial use. This animal, as I said, was kept in a booth, and until now, I never properly understood the etymology of that word. In the thirty-third chapter of Genesis, at the seventeenth verse, it is written: "And Jacob journeyed to Succdth, and built him a house and made booths for his cattle; therefore the name of the place is called Suc- c oth." ZOOLOGY. 67 Succoth or Suekota signifies booth, and is a place for cattle, where the business of imbibing is extensively carried on. Doubtless, in the days of the Patriarch, the business was confined - to juvenile kine; but we live in a day of prog- ress. The "Critter," for so this beast is called, is omniverous, and when it did eat, I was aston- ished, and wondered with great admiration; for it not only devoured much corn, wheat, and other grains and vegetables, but also swallowed cows, sheep, hogs, and cattle of all sorts, in great abundance, which were brought to the keeper of the beast by those who sucked at the teats; for like some ill-conditioned cows, she would not give down her milk without much feeding. The animal appeared likewise to have a hydrophobia dread of cold water, and writhed its slimy body into horrible contortions at the sight of it. I was told by one who stood by, that houses, and even whole farms, were sometimes devoured by the monster, and that multitudes, by means thereof, were reduced ifrom competency and some from affluence, to a condition of utter des- titution and beggary. This I could scarcely have believed, had I not remembered to have seen snakes swallowing toads larger than them- selves; and also to have read of some large ser- pents which would sometimes make a meal of page: 68-69[View Page 68-69] 68 'Z O O LO G Y. goats, antelopes, young bullocks, and other ani- mals several times their own dimensions. In- deed the voracity of the beast was so enormous, and its appetite so huge, I had no doubt, if its capacity had been equal, it would have swal- lowed a continent. I must beg pardon of my readers for having introduced into this narrative such vile and loathsome things as polecats and beasts of this sort, but I can not be held responsible for what I saw; and besides, any other' sort of descrip- tion would not be at all befitting the subject. The all-engrossing subject of the election had found its way into this assemblage, where there was much discussion, for they were great politi- cians; and all that the arguments lacked in profundity, was more than made up in boister- ousness, which is sometimes the most moving if not the most convincing mode of argument. But it often happened, as it sometimes will, that some were slow to be brought over to the true faith. In such cases, when one was beset for his vote, if discussion failed to convince his understanding, they would lead him up to the "critter" and give him a suck or two, which ever had the effect to clear away all difficulties and to give him such a clear and comprehen- sive view of the "glorious doctrine," as led him at once to embrace it. CHAPTER X. MORAL SUASION. WHEN viewing the spectacle faintly described in the last chapter, a slight movement at the door, and a little bustle among the crowd an- nounced the arrival of a visitor of some dis- tinction. He entered with a bland and easy air of self-posSession, walked up and imbibed a few dainty "' swigs " from the critter, threw down his change, and turning to the crowd, informed them that-he was a candidate for their suffrages, asked them to "' take a little " at his expense, and stated that he would then proceed to address them. These preliminaries being through, Mr. Sherry, for it was no less a personage, mounted a barrel at the door, and proceeded to address the audience upon politics in general, and tem- perance in particular. Among other subjects which would be prob- ably brought before the legislature, was one, he said, of vital importance to the people, one in which their dearest interests were involved. "' From the earliest ages of the world to the present tiume," he proceeded, " the progress of our race has been upward and onward. The stately edifice of modern times contrasted with page: 70-71[View Page 70-71] 70 MORAL SUASION. the rude hut of the savage, sufficiently attests our advancement in knowledge and the arts. At every period of man's progress, reformers have risen up, who, not content with the opera- tion of the sublime principles of morality, have sought to force men to receive their doctrines, whether in accordance with their own convic- tions or not." "What injuries," said the speaker, L" have not been done to the cause of humanity by the wild fanaticism of these reformers, and how have they retarded the progress of enlightened civilization! Rome, in the days of her glory, prohibited wine to her women on pain of death. Whether the Roman women were more given to excess than the women of this day, history does not affirm; but history does affirm that the law was inoperative by reason of the severity of its penalty. Like the mother of mankind, who braved the death penalty for the bite of an apple, the Roman women periled their lives for a taste of wine. Dangers are fascinating. One standing on the trembling brink of a mighty 'cataract feels an impulse to plunge into the frightful abyss, and the panic-stricken bird goes voluntarily into the jaws of the rattlesnake. The great danger of law, therefore, is the severity of its penalty; and I am for expung- ing all such things from the statute book, as injurious to society, and as not being in accord- MORAL SUASION. 71 ance with the spirit of progress and the enlight- ened civilization of the present day. Why are not the blue-laws of Connecticut still found in her statute book? For the same reason. They were adapted to the state of society in a former age; and can it be supposed that the prpgres- sive spirit of the present day has not left' them far in the rear? -"Sumptuary laws are tyrannical, unjust, and unnecessary. Why were men made with throats but to swallow? Why was the stomach made hollow but to catch what goes down the throat Attempts to prevent men by law from putting into their stomachs what they like best, have recently been renewed in some parts, and no doubt efforts will be made to force these arbi- trary enactments upon the free people of this land. I charge the impicus perpetrators of these wicked acts with fighting against Provi- dence. It is the instinct of nature that the human species should imbibe their food from the teat; but these reformers are endeavoring to banish the critter from the country, and I am told that some evil disposed persons in Tipple- tonia, are aiding and abetting in this nefarious business; men who have enjoyed these critter comforts all their lives, but who recently pre- tend to have got some new light on the subject, and have left off their former ways. For my part I think it is time they left off; they have page: 72-73[View Page 72-73] 72 - MORAL SUASION. had their share. What! banish the critter from this free and happy country by law? Mon- stros! Arouse, Tippletonians! your liberties are in danger! "But while I would exhort you to yigilance, and a firm maintenance of your rights, let me also exhort you to moderation and temperance in all things. Indeed, such of you as are so inclined may with propriety abstain altogether, but at any rate be reasonable and molerate in all your indulgences." Now there came a woman clothed in rags, followed by a train of bareiboted and famishing children, who besought the owner of the critter to spare her last cow, which her husband had brought, upon his peremptory demand to pay off his old score, and to sustain his credit for future indulgences. The poor woman begged piteously for the animal, saying it was their only means of subsistance, and that her children would inevitably starve; but the keeper of the beast pointed to her husband at one of the lower nipples, and proclaiming the doctrine of "in- alienable rights," drove her and her starvelings out into the world to beg or perish. This 'incident broke in, for a few minutes, upon the speaker's discourse; but while the beast devoured the cow, he proceeded, addressing some pointed observations to the owner of the critter, connected with the incident just related. MORAL SUASION. 73 "Truth is mighty and must prevail." The originality and force of this remark produced great sensation. "Moral suasion is the Archi- medean lever which is to elevate our race to the position to which their manifest destiny has designed them, (crack! went the bones of the cow,) and I must take the liberty, Mr. Keeper, to observe, that in my opinion you ought to make some change in your business. (Crack 1 crack I went the bones, as the critter chewed the cow to a mummy.) I call not upon the arm of the law; that would be interfering with your 'inalienable rights;' and besides I think the people of Tippletonia aro not yet prepared for it. But public sentiment ought to be regarded, sir, and I beg leave to assure you, sir, .otwith- standing the profound respect I entertain for you personally, and notwithstanding I desire to live in all charity with my fellow-citizens and neighbors, yet, sir, I can not look upon your treatment of this poor woman, whose circum- stances appear to be far from affluent, with that entire complacency and hearty approval I could desire. I ask you, therefore, with great defer- ence to your better judgment, to take these sug- gestions into your most serious consideration." There is no knowing what an impression the awful severity of this rebuke would have made upon the mind of one so susceptible to moral suasion as the. keeper, ha .he not just at that 4: page: 74-75[View Page 74-75] 1T4 MORIALs sASIONT. time been very busily engaged in feeding the beast and leading up new customers. Now there drew near one with tattered and torn apparel, and old shoes and clouted were upon his feet; his eyes were red, and his visage blotched and bleared; his body was bloated, and his pockets were turned inside out. He approached with a faltering step and trembling limbs, seeking wherewithal to cool his parched tongue. The beast cast an expectant eye upon him, but perceiving that he-brought no food, (for, alas the poor man had already fed her all his /ubstance,) she gave an angry kick, which knocked him into a filthytgutter near by, where he was left to get out as well as he could; upon which I observed that the ill-natured brute, whenever the- feed gave out, would kick her milkers over without mercy, unless they brought more provender. The speaker now addressed himself again to those around him, He persuaded them to be temperate, and not to indulge too freely, and declared upon his honor, that he had heard of serious consequences resulting from a disregard of these considerations. He was in turn assured by his audience that they approved of every word he had uttered. They thanked him for the kind interest he took in their welfare, but said they always acted in strict accordance with the views he had expressed. One who was sit- MORAL SUASION. 75 ting in the dirt, let go his dug, and bestowing an idiotic stare upon the speaker, exclaimed, "(Hic) Go it (hic) Sherry; them's my senti- ments-; I go for (hic) temperance; I don't swill it down, (hic) as some folks do." Among other attaches of the beast was one who had evidently been a " fast young man," though the trotter which had been used to make his mile inside of 2-10, and the little cart whereon he rode upon those momentous errands which required so much despatch, had some time since been sent to the auction-room, and his chain and seals had gone to the pawn-brokers. His fancy pants were somewhat the worse for wear, and his moustache and goatee were sadly be- grimmed with dirt. And there came one hustling through the crowd, with a paper in his hand, directed "To the constable of," etc., and beginning, "You are hereby commanded to take," etc., and he laid hold on the fast young man, and arrested him by his body; but he clutched the beast with both hands, and would in nowise let go his hold; wherefore I saw that he was in no danger of losing his soubriquet of " fast young man," for the officer had him fast, and the animal had him faster. page: 76-77[View Page 76-77] CHAPTER XI. TRAPS. RETIRING from this scene in a deeply contem- plative mood, I was about to return to the polls, when my attention was directed to another booth near by, in which was a great number of traps; some of which were constructed with strong springs, and great sharp teeth, and others were of the kind which trappers call dead-falls., The keeper of the establishment seeing the interest with which I examined his wares, politely offered to exhibit them for my inspection. They were commended as excellent in their kind, and as being sure to hold their game. lie gene- rously proposed that for a dime he would. allow me to put my foot in one of his best traps, to satisfy myself of its excellent qualities. He furthermore proposed, that if I, or any of my neighbors, had any children that were used to stray from home, and to go about the streets, he would catch them all at the same price per head. He said he had a place regularly estab- lished and licensed by law for baiting his game, as trappers are wont to do with foxes, beavers, and other sagacious animals; but that his game was a great deal more docile than those cunning TRAPS. " creatures, which, when once caught, if they chanced to get away, would never come back to their old haunts again; whereas his game became only the fonder of the trap, from having been once or twice in it. He said, also, that having got his business permanently established and authorized by law, he could afford to deal on very favorable terms; and if I could only find him customers in sufficient numbers, he would reduce his prices to wholesale rates. These proposals were submitted with much complaisance and apparent good humor; but my mind was not yet made up to accept his offers, and I determined to look a little fur- ther. In the next room was a customer with both feet fast in a trap, who, with wildly-rolling eyes, and horror-stricken visage, was making' des- perate efforts to get away. Being moved with compassion at his sad condition, I approached him gently, and inquired what could be done' for his relief. I found that a strange hallucina- tion had taken possession of his mind. At one time he begged piteously for protection from devils, which he imagined were after him. "There! there they come!" he cried, convul- sively shuddering, and pointing to a rat hole, at which he seemed to see them in troops crawl- ing into the apartment. "Drive them away I don't let them come!" said he, holding up his page: 78-79[View Page 78-79] 7$8 .T R TRAr . hands with nervous agitation, to hide his eyes from their goblin grimaces. At another time he imagined himself pursued by Indians, and would scream for help. Then snakes came, lengthening their bodies down from the ceiling, glowering upon him with their fiery eyes, flashing out their forked tongues, and showing their fangs, as if ready to dart upon him, at which he would shriek out such horrid oaths and imprecations that the hair of my flesh stood up. Then came filthy vermin, creep- ing up his limbs and body, while slimy lizards crawled around his neck, and mottled frogs sat up6n his breast, with basilisk eyes gleaming upon him, which he tried in vain to drive away. Near this miserable sufferer was another, aught in a dead-fall, and either from the un- comfortable squeeze it gave him, or from some other cause, be seemed to have been converted, like one of the ancient divinities, into a foun- tain, or sort of artificial cascade; but the fall did not strike me as being remarkable, either for picturesque beauty or romantic scenery. My attention was also attracted by a mys- terious looking personage, whose movements seemed very peculiar. There was an apart- ment adjoining, which was entered by a side- door, over which a blanket was suspended, and this individual seemed intent upon going in, but was evidently unwilling to be seen there. TRbAP . 79 He looked this way and that, and appeared to think everybody was watching his movements. Now he approached the door, but catching the eye of some one who happened to be looking toward him, he passed on with an affected care- less unconcern, which was only the more notice- able from being evidently counterfeit. Pres- ently, supposing no eye was upon him, he lifted the curtain and dodged in. This singular conduct excited my curiosity, and led me to inquire whether cards, dice, or some other unlawful games were not carried on within. The person whom I addressed shook his head, looked very wise, and whispered in my ear that the "' striped pig ' was kept there. He kindly informed me that for a dime I could be admitted to look at the strange quadruped, and to take a friend in with me; and, moreover, when once in, that we might regale :ourselves with such of the mineral waters as we had a fancy for, without any charge whatever. My obsequious acquaintance, with a disinterested- ness often shown on such occasions, offered to stand as my friend, if I had a mind to enter; but at this moment a sound somewhat resem- bling distant thunder attracted my attention to another apartment, and thither I bent my steps. In this place was a long platform, at the ex- tremity of which some pegs were set on end, and a number of persons were engaged in the page: 80-81[View Page 80-81] 80 TTAP-S. business of knocking them down with balls, and setting them up again. The object of knock- ing down pegs for the mere purpose of setting them up again, or of setting them up that they might be knocked down, was not very apparent; but I recollected that of late platforms had become the places for setting up men, that they might be knocked over; and that they were the representatives of principles. On inquiry into the principles of this platform, I learned that he who knocked down the greatest number of pegs was entitled the greatest number of sucks at the critter. Having satisfied my curiosity in viewing the wonders of the place, I returned to the polls to see how the election progressed, which, as I anticipated, had resulted in favor of the " in- alienable rights" party, by an overwhelming majority. CHAPTER XII. THE LEGISLATURE. As already stated, the form of government of this country, is democratic republican. As a consequence, the Legislature might be expected to reflect the sentiments of the people, and the people have a way of making their wishes very emphatically known, Scarcely was this body assembled, when numerous petitions were sent in, wherein pressing calls were made for divers forms of relief from the various ills to which humanity is exposed; for it is no less true in Tippletonia than in other portions of the world, that many look to the Legislature as the source of national and individual prosperity. It is doubtless true, that systems of govern- ment, by affording equal facilities to all, have much to do with the welfare of the governed. In so far as they guarantee to all alike, the same immunities upon the same terms, excluding all monopolies of birth, wealth, and position, and encouraging each to enter upon the race with as good a right to secure the prize as any other one, thus far government may be legitimately looked upon, not as a source of, but as an aid to individual as well as to national prosperity. page: 82-83[View Page 82-83] 82 TTHE LEGISLATURE. But there are many who look to government to help them out of all difficulties, even those con- sequent upon their own improvidence and folly. Even the people of Guzzle Green, imagine that their law-makers are somehow or other endowed with the capacity of giving them happiness and prosperity in spite of themselves, and when things go wrong with them, they are very apt to charge the fault upon the Legislature. The law, for example, is sometimes looked to to protect crops from the incursions of breachy cattle, by imposing penalties upon the owners for allowing them to run at large. But this sort of cattle seldom pay much respect to legal enact- ments, and many have found a good fence a much safer reliance. Others look to the law to save their property from the sacrificial hammer of sheriffs, consta- bles, and others who are charged with its execu- tion, by means of stays, appraisements, and the like; but it has been found that consumers of this sort of law pay ana enormous tax for its privileges, and moreover that those whose in- dustry and economy keep them free of debt, get along, upon the whole, just as well as those who avail themselves of the law's protection. The Tippletonians place a very high estimate, as has been said, upon their legal rights, and they often go to law upon principle. If one is defrauded in the value of a day's work, he will THE LEGISLATURE. 88 spend twenty in bringing the offending party to justice. A lazy Tippletonian mechanic puts an unseasoned spoke into a wagon wheel, which the lazy owner allows to stand out in the weather until it falls down. Now, as any one may see, the "'majesty of the law "has been in- sulted, by which party is doubtful, but still it has been done, and the insult must be avenged; whereupon the whole neighborhood is sum- moned before the I squire " in the capacity of jurors and witnesses; and it is a great day among the Tippletonians when they meet to vindicate the " majesty of the law."' When judgment is given, one party or the other finds himself mulcted in twenty dollars costs. Next comes an appeal, and soon the costs are trebled. By this time the defective spoke is lost sight of, and the parties find themselves "lawing" about a " new spoke in the wheel ;" for the costs have accumulated to a hundred dollars or more. Finally the important day arrives; judges, lawyers, jurors, and witnesses are occupied for a day or two in gravely deliberating upon the nice question as to which is most in the wrong, where it is certain that neither is in the right. Judgment is at last given, the losing party is ruined, and both badly beaten. But then, the "majesty of the law" has been vindicated, and who shall say the price is too dear, when a man's rights are at stake a page: 84-85[View Page 84-85] 84 THE LEGISLATURE. Upon the meeting of the Legislature, the machinations of those who were opposed to lib- erty and inalienable rights, began to show them- selves. The members from Soberland soon found their tables loaded with petitions from their constituents, demanding the very measures which the distinguished Mr. Sherry had pre- dicted! To see what singular fancies will sometimes take possession of the minds of men, it is only necessary to refer to some of their pe- titions. One set forth that stalls for the critter were great evils to society; that they had the effect to beget in Tippletonians idle and intem- perate habits, and that therefore they ought not to be sanctioned by law; this "honorable body" was therefore besought to repeal all laws licensing the keeping of such establishments. Other petitions ran on this wise: "We, your constituents, respectfully petition your honora- ble body, to protect us, our families, and the community from the evils of intemperance, by giving us a law that shall banish the critter from the country." - Another ran thus: "The undersigned respectfully petition your honora- ble body, to enact stringent laws abolishing the manufacture and importation of red-eye, and all similar beverages." These petitions and various others of like character, came pouring in upon the Legislature until they were fairly flooded with them; signed THE LEGISLATURE. 85 not by men only, but by women and children. Even the poor woman whose cow had been fed to the beast, as before related, had the audacity to call upon this " honorable body " for protection. Now, it became quite evident to many Tip- pletonians that fanaticism was getting posses. sion of the minds of the people, and with that disinterested zeal which is exhibited by those who become alarmed at the danger to our " glo- rious institutions " from delusions of this sort, they began to bestir themselves. They got up divers remonstrances, and circulated them in the provinces of Tippletonia Proper, and Guzzle Green, in which latter place they had the good fortune to procure the signature of almost every citizen. As it may tend to the edification of some of my readers, I will give in extenso, the views of the remonstrants, in their own lan- guage. Here is one: "Whereas, there is a strong effort being made to banish the critter from Tippletonia, and to authorize the seizure and destruction of all such cattlei therefore, we, the undersigned, citizens of the goodly town of Red Nose, issue this our remonstrance against any law for that purpose; as, in our opinion, it would be unconstitutional, unjust, oppressive, and too grievous to be borne, and contrary to the word of God and common sense." Another remonstrance numerously signed by page: 86-87[View Page 86-87] 86 THE LEGISLATURE. the citizens of Bloat, commenced by setting forth the great abhorrence which the remon- strants entertained for all forms of intempe- rance, but declared that "in all free govern- ments the personal rights and liberties of the individual must ever be held sacred; and when- ever the law-making power transgresses-the lim- its within which the individual may move unmo- lested by legislative action, it attacks liberty in the very center, and beconies rabid despotism. "Beside, the vice of drunkenness* is never checked, nor the appetite of the drunkard, by laws of prohibition. These are calculated to force human nature out of our present social condition into quite as fatal ways of error. To prove this, the undersigned are free to refer your honorable body to the statistical accounts pub- lished in Great Britain, in relation to the sub. ject, according to which, since the commence- ment of the temperance movement, and even in the absence of restrictive laws, the practice of opium eating has obtained in a much greater ratio among all classes, than the use of spiritous liquors has diminished. It is scarcely necessary to add that the effects of opium-eating are as * We purposely drop the figure in this and other instances that we may preserve the identity of the language of several remonstrances presented to the Indiana legislature at the eesa sion of 1851-2. They may yet be seen by those who are curib ous on the subject, in a box prepared for their reception, which will be found it thke State Library at Indianapolis. THE LEGISLATURE., 87 injurious, if not more so, to the mental, moral, and physical welfare of man, than those of ardent liquors. "In conclusion, the undersigned take the lib' erty to state to your honorable body that this petition is neither signed by children nor re- formed drunkards. The names attached are those of legal voters only, and of persons of temperate habits." Several important considerations are here suggested, the first of which is, the great loath- ing and unfeigned disgust felt by imbibers for all forms of intemperance. This is very proper, and very discreet, and so true to life I Another is the luminous definition of rabid despotism, which I beg the reader to consider attentivelyi Rabid despotism is, when the Le- gislature transgresses the limits within which an individual may move unmolested by legisla- tive action." It must have been exceedingly clear to the remonstrants, especially to those whose signatures indicated that it was a little difficult for them to hold the pen with a steady hand. And then their benevolent solicitudefor those unfortunate victims of the temperance reforma- tion! How touching I How clearly do they demonstrate the impropriety e'en of voluntary reformations, unaided by restrictive laws. No- thing less, however, was to be expected from page: 88-89[View Page 88-89] 88 THE LEGISLATURE. persons having such an utter detestation of all forms of intemperance. To be sure, the statis- tics so confidently referred to, did not accom- pany the document; but then, no doubt the Le- gislature could find them just as easily as the remonstrants themselves. Another observable thing is, that the remon- strants were none of them women nor children, nor even -reformed drunkards; they were all legal voters and persons of temperate habits! What concern have women and children with these affairs? As for the women, they have enough to do to stay at home and mind the ba- bies and keep the hogs out of the corn, while their husbands, the " legal voters of temperate :habits," go to elections to deposit their valuable suffrages, and anon to pay court to the critter: and children, the poor imbeciles, have as much as they can do to comfort them when they come home (for they often need comfort), and to pre- pare to follow their example when they come to be men and have sufficient discretion to under- stand their rights. As to the remonstrants not being reformed drunkards, they might. have saved themselves the trouble of that statement; it was sufficiently apparent without it. Another remonstrance was as follows, lite- rally : Whereas the Petition presented to your honorable body, by part of the Citizens of -. THE LEGISLATURE. 89 County praying for an adoption of-the Laws relating to the suppression of Intemperance passed recently by the Legislature of Main, is an insult to the Dignity of your honorable body and is the offspring of a secret conclave of Domineering Arristocrats, who despising the sacred principles of Liberty and Local freedom wish to rear in our midst the Hydra headed Monster of private oppression, therefore We, the Citizens of -- county, do most humbly pray your body for a strict non Interference with the laws of Main relating to temperance." The author of this document was evidently an orator and a poet, as well as a great stickler for the'" sacred principles of liberty and local freedom." There appears, however, to be one circumstance whereat the Tippletonians might console themselves, that is, that the aforesaid hydra-headed monster carried on his oppressions in private, so that no body was likely ever to find them out. A remonstrance from Soakersburgh, which declared that none of the signers were poor widows nor orphan children (of course they were not), showed that the remonstrants were not only much alarmed for the safety of their politi- cal rights, but also that they were greatly con- cerned for the interests of religion. Among other things they said: "We learn that in the State of Maine the water fanaticism has gone 4* page: 90-91[View Page 90-91] 90 THE LEGIBLATTUR3E. so far as to commit the horrible sacrilege to re- fuse the blessed wine at the Lord's supper." From what source the Tippletonians derived this valuable piece of information is not stated. It was probably one of the machinations of the "hydra-headed monster of private oppression," which was happily unknown to the rest of man- kind. Something of this sort also appeared in the remonstrance from Red Nose, where it was stated that banishment of the critter was ' con- trary to the word of God." The solicitude of the inhabitants of Red Nose and Soakersburgh, for the cause of religion, although doubtless very proper, is a little remarkable, and is- only to be accounted for by the evident tendency of their habits of life to piety and heavenly-mind- edness. It would be a very great pity if those who bear in their foreheads the mark of the beast and the number of his name should have their holy meditations disturbed by apprehen- sions of the banishment of this interesting ani- mal from the country. Now the Legislature fell into a great quan- dary, and were at their wits ends what to do; for while the Soberlanders had more than ten to one on their petitions, especially by counting the " poor widows and orphan children," yet a very decided majority of the members them- selves were true-hearted Tippletonians, and they could not find it in their--stomachs to grant THE LEGISLATURE. 91 the prayer of the Soberlanders. The honorable member from Poker, said his constituents had from time immemorial enjoyed the privileges of which it was now sought to deprive them, and he would not dare go home to them when plun- dered of their rights, and beside they had de- rived considerable profit from the encourage- ment heretofore given to keepers of the critter, and the trade in mineral waters. He had taken some pains to inquire into the business, and found that licenses for this purpose in his dis- trict had sometimes produced as high as two or three hundred dollars a year, and even more and it must be a good business that could afford to pay such a tariff. This tariff was always paid by the consumer; and this was an argu- ment to prove that the business was popular as well as profitable. For his own part, he was a very moral man, and of rather a religious turn of mind, and so were his constituents. le thought there might be some evils resulting from the trade, in consequence of its having sometimes got into bad hands. These he thought might be remedied by allowing none but men of good moral character to engage in the business. Mr. Brown, the member from Economy, said he also had taken some pains to look into the question, as one of profit. In his immediate neighborhood the system of licensing these establishments had not prevailed, but he had page: 92-93[View Page 92-93] 92 THE LE GILATURE. visited parts of the country where they were more in favor. The result of his inquiries had led him to a different conclusion from that ex- pressed by the gentleman who had last addressed the house. He would favor the house with a bill of items which he had taken from the an- nual report of the treasurer of the district repre- sented by that gentlemen. They were as fol- lows: Amount paid for support of paupers, 1117 34 - ; .-dieting prisoners, - 748 10 "(" 'coroner's inquests, - 784 42 Expense of one public execution, time of court, witnesses for prosecution, and delay of other business not in- cluded, - ..- 247 20 Guarding jail, the same being insuffi- cient to hold prisoner, - - 519 28 Delinquent list, - - - 481 20 $3432*54 Amount received for licenses, - - 345 00 $3087 54 He thought the gentleman was mistaken in regard to the tax for license being paid by the consumer. He had examined the matter and found the names of the consumers in the delin- quent list, while those who enjoyed least of the THE 'LEGI-LATUTRE. 98 privileges which the gentleman prized so highly, paid most of the tax. The member from Soakersburgh, Mr. Blue, now obtained the floor. I soon recognized him as a gentleman whose speech during the canvass is reported in a former chapter, to whom labor was inconvenient while it tended to the happi- ness of others. He was happy, he said, to find an opportunity to ingraft upon the legislation of the country a favorite idea, one which he had discussed upon the stump; he regarded his elec- tion as having settled thequestion so far as his constituents were concerned. That idea was that every man should be protected by law in the pursuit of happiness in the way most agreeable to himself. Some of those he repre- sented found great pleasure in labor; they were given to habits of prudence and industry, and had acquired considerable means thereby. By these practices they had monopolized an undue proportion of the property of the country. He believed every man had a right to a share of what was going. No man'was responsible for his tastes and desires, and those who had no relish for these pursuits were not to be excluded from a participation in their benefits on that account. He was obliged' to the gentleman who had just addressed the house for the statistics he had furnished, and for the statement he had made, page: 94-95[View Page 94-95] " THE LEGISLATURE. that this tax was not paid by the consumer, but by those who weremore able to pay it. He rejoiced in .this fact, for beyond a doubt it was a fact, as that large delinquent list conclusively proved. The :poor people whose names were upon that list, were the unfortunates who re- quired legislative protection. Gentlemen tell us they ought to labor as their neighbors do, and acquire property. This is the unfeeling answer of those "Domineering Arristocrats,' who despise the sacred principle of " liberty and local freedom." I rejoice that in this way, if in no other, those upon whom fortune has smiled, may be compelled to perform the duties of good citizens. These gentry are very exclusive in their notions. They tell us plainly they will not divide with us. We will show them that there is more than one way to get our share from the common stock. We are in the majority. We can tax them ad valorem, on their farms, cattle, grain, and other property, while we solace ourselves by imbibing at their expense. I thank the gentleman for his statistics. Who pays the $319.42, foo croners inquests? Do the estates of the unfortunates pay these expenses,? No sir. -I have taken some pains to inquire, and find that in the district referred to, all estates are settled as insolvent.* It gives me great * It was found upon actual examination, a few years since, in -. county, Indiana, where there was the strongest opposition THE LEGISLATURE 95 satisfaction to find these important interests much better protected than I had supposed. I trust this honorable body will see the propriety of continuing these beneficial features of our laws, and of extending [their principles somewhat farther, and that they will frown down every effort at modification or repeal as unjust, oppres- sive, too grievo tot be borne, and contrary to the word of God and common sense. Mr. Slick, member from Free and Easy, was a very temperate man himself, but was opposed to restrictive legislation on the subject. Moral suasion, he thought the great power for reform- ing mankind. He had been inclined to indulge in early life himself, but moral suasion had con- vinced him of his error. With some reasonable restrictions he thought the business might be safely left to the operation of this principle. He thought those who sold mineral waters should be moral men, men of good character. The business, he thought, could not be safely left in unsanctified hands. The traffic had suffered in consequence of having been committed to un- worthy persons. Instances had occurred in which keepers of the critter had allowed their customers to imbibe, when unable to get hold of the nipple without help, the tendency of which was immoral and improper. He hoped the to temperance reform, that not a single estate had been settled as solvent, since the county was organized. page: 96-97[View Page 96-97] 96 THE LEGISLATURE. business would be allowed to be carried on by none but men of good character. And to him the members with one accord gave heed. They provided by law, that on the payment of a small-sum annually, usually from five to twenty dollars, the applicant, if of good moral character, might open a stall for the critter, and might also traffic in mineral waters. These establishments were unrestricted as to number, but they might be erected whenever the "public good" required.. The moral char- acter and public good had usually to be certified to by twelve or more respectable Tippletonians, who of course were moved by no motive except- pure benevolence.* There were, it is true, some * In Indiana, from 1824 down to a recent date, it has been pro- vided by law, that upon payment of a tax, which has generally been from ten to twenty-five dollars, as many persons might be licensed to retail spirituous liquors as could produce the certifi- cateof twelve respectable freeholders, that the applicant was of good moral character, and that it would be for the benefit and convenience of travelers, that the applicant should be licensed Laws 1824, p. 406; 1828, p. 79; 1832, p. 262; 1837, p. 110; 1839, p. 21; 1841, p. 7; and various others, down to 1847, p. 46, when an act was passed allowing townships to vote, and if a majority voted no license, counting all who refused to vote as having voted for it, license could not be granted in that town- ship. In Michigan, laws of 1846, p. 186, township boards are author- ized to license as many retailers as they shall think the public good may require. Ibid. p. 187, requires the retailer to be of "good moral character." In Missouri, application for license to keep a dram-shop, is to be made to the county court in writing. It is not to be granted TH-E LErG SLATtU E. 97 other restrictions, thrown around the business, to make it reputable, and to keep it from getting unless the court be of opinion that the applicant is of "good moral character." It is a sanctified traffic there, free negroes being excluded from the privileges of license. Laws, 1845, p. 543. Wisconsin requires the retailer to be of "good moral character." Laws 1849, p. 123. Virginia allows none to keep an "ordinary " house-of private entertainment, or "bowling salocn," without license. Persons desiring to sell wine, ardent spirits, or a mixture thereof, must obtain from the proper court, or corporation, a certificate of "good character." Laws 1849, p. 207. Ohio, in 1841, took a very decided step toward dignifying the profession, by requiring tavern-keepers to be persons of "good character," allowing them to sell at " the bar," but not in "the cellar." Laws 1841, p. 899. Some changes have since taken place, but the traffic has been but little'improved by them. In Illinois, some two or three years since, a somewhat stringent prohibitory law was enacted, but at the last session of the legis. lature of that State, the license system in its broadest form, was re-enacted, as being more in accordance with the enlightened views, and moral sense of her legislators. Indiana, at the last session of her legislature, gave free license to all those communities which should, by their votes, decide in favor of the traffic. Several of her cities and towns, and a large portion of the interior, sensibly impressed with the beneficent provisions of this law, have decided in favor of the largest liberty; so that we may look for a high development of moral purity, in their localities. The " hydra-headed monster of private oppression " will no longer infest these districts, and society in its onward march will not be impeded by those arbitrary restric. tions, so contrary to the word of God, and common sense, and so especially detrimental to the inalienable rights of moral venders. What is to becote of those benighted communities that have voted against license, nobody can tell, unless those more favored shall in pity of their condition send a few missionary retailers amongsthem. 5 page: 98-99[View Page 98-99] 98 THE LEGISLATU RE into hands unfit to be trusted with the keeping of the public morals, such as not allowing free negroes to engage in the business, which was very well, for it was very properly considered unfit for them. The business was also dignified by keeping it out of cellars, and other dark holes, so that no deeds of darkness should be committed about such places. Their operation has been watched with some interest, to see their effects in the production of honest thieves, pious drunkards, conscientious gamblers, pure- minded libertines, virtuous prostitutes, and moral retailers. It must be admitted that they have not yet produced a decidedly pure article of either kind, nor is it quite certain how soon they will. The great measure of the session was now brought forward by Mr. Swizzle, of Flunkey- ville, in the shape of a bill to incorporate the Rum River and Gallows Hill Plank Road Com- pany. This bill became a law and is still in force in Tippletonia, and as it involves some curious questions of political economy, I will give the act, in extenso, which is as follows: AN ACT TO INCORPOiRATE THE RUM RIVER AND GALLOWS HLL PLANK ROAD COMPANY. SECTION 1. Be it enacted by the Senate and Btouse of Representatives of Tippletonia, That Whisker Wholesale, of Tippleton, Robert Re- tail, of Rotten :Retreat, Solomon Stilltub, of T LHE LIEG3ILATURE. . 9 Soakersburgh, Peter Pickpocket, of Pauper. ton, Caleb Catchpenny, of Bloat, and Gustavus Graball, of Gougersville, and their associates, be and they are hereby constituted a body poli- tic and corporate, with perpetual succession, by the name and style of the Rum River and Gal- lows Hill Plank Road Company. SE. 2. And be it further enacted, That said Company shall have power to construct and maintain a plank road, expressly to accomodate the increasing travel, from the town of Flip, on the upper waters of Rum River, to Gallows Hill, on Cape Vagabond, in the department of Guzzle Green. Sro. 3. And be it further enacted, That'.for the privilege of constructing and maintaining said road, and taking toll thereon, each imemn ber of said Company shall pay into the treasury of the county in which he resides, annually, from five to fifty dollars, every man according to his several ability, accordingly as Providence has blessed his business, and increased his store of worldly goods. SEC. 4. And be it further enateud, That said Company shall enjoy the exclusive monopoly of carrying passengers from the Rum River country to Gallows Hill, and may use all means in their power to induce people totravel by that route. SEc. 5. And be it further enacted, That said Oompanyshall have power to constructa branch page: 100-101[View Page 100-101] 100 THE LEGISLATURE. of their road to Pauperton, whenever they shall think the convenience of travelers and the pub- lic good requires it. SEC. 6. And be it further enacted, That said Company may carry passengers on said road, for which they may charge any amount of fare they can get; the payment of which may be enforced by distress and sale of the goods and chattels, lands and tenements, of any traveler on said road. If any traveler's money gives out on the way, and any toll-gatherer shall have reason to suspect that he can get no more from him, even by taking the last piece of bread from his children, such toll-gatherer may layhold on such traveler, and tumble him into any ditch then and there being, along the margin of said road, unless his fare shall be paid as provided in the next section. SEC. 7. And be it further enacted, That, whereas it is a matter of importance to the state, that every traveler from Rum River to Gallows Hill should arrive at the end of his journey, by some means, therefore, whenever the Company shall refuse to furnish a passenger with a through ticket, he shall be transported the remainder of the distance at the public ex- pense; in which case the sheriff of the proper county, upon the order of any court having jurisdiction of the subject, shall furnish a suit- able vehicle, and convey him to his destination, THE LEGISLATURE. 101 Provided, That the expense of transporting any one passenger, in manner aforesaid, shall not exceed a thousand dollars, or so. SEC. 8. And be it further enacted, That all moneys necessary to be raised for carrying pas- sengers, as provided in the last preceding sec- tion, shall be assessed and collected as other taxes; and those who never patronize the road shall pay their assessments without grumbling. SEc. 9. And be itfurther enacted, That chil- dren may travel on said road whenever they can d? so without the knowledge or consent of their parents or guardians; if such consent can be had, so much the better.. In either case the Company shall furnish them all proper facilities. SEa. 10. None shall become members of the Rum River and Gallows Hill Plank Road Com- pany, except persons of good moral character. Free negroes are excluded. page: 102-103[View Page 102-103] CHAPTER XIII. SHOWS. MNEPiAL waters are not the only things in which the Tippletonians delight. They have a great fancy for rare shows and exhibitions.. The monotony of their long, warm summers is peri- odically relieved by displays of this sort. About dog-days the neighborhood is thrown into commotion by the advent of a very impor- tant person, who enters the city, town, or vil- lage, driving a pair of cream-colored horses, with shining trappings, who duly impresses the simple-hearted Tippletonians with a sense of his presence. On the following morning the li- censed establishments are decorated with im- mensely large placards, printed in huge letters of various colors, by which the ladies and gen- tlemen of the vicinity are respectfully informed that the unrivaled equestrian corps of Junebug, Johnson & Co., which has performed with un- bounded applause in London, Paris, the West Indies, and other noted parts of the world, will favor them with a grand entertainment, in which they will perform divers feats of strength and agility, unequalled by any other company in the world. To give the affair greater eclat, the SHOWS. 103 show-bill is decorated with pictures of horses, men and women, representing the promised feats. Men in fantastic dresses are standing in pyramids, turning summersets, or jumping through hoops from the backs of horses at speed; horses with curved necks, flowing manes, and frisking tails, are prancing about and kicking up their heels marvelously; but the chief attrac. tion is a woman on horseback, at full speed, standing on one toe, with the otherlimb elevated to a horizontal position, all of which, the public are informed, can be seen for " box fifty cents, pit twenty-five, children under fifteen, half price; front seats reserved for the ladies." From this time until the important day, the whole country around is on tiptoe of expectation. The juveniles are busily contriving to save enough for a half price ticket, by driving a little trade in poultry and eggs, while the fathers pru- dently abate a few visits to the "licensed estab- lishments," for the sake of a little surplus rev- enue for the interesting occasion. In due time the important day arrives. Crowds gather to see the "grand entree" of quadrupeds and bipeds, who come with a long string of vehicles, the foremost of which is a magnificent affair, all painted red and yellow I drawn by thirty horses, loaded with drums, fid- dles, and long brass tubes, with men attached to them, at one end, who toot, squeak, and rub-a- page: 104-105[View Page 104-105] 104 8HOWS. dub through the principal streets, at a most won- derful rate. Then comes the show. Men actually stand up on their hokses, and cock up one leg and ride backward; and women too. One fellow, with a fool's cap on his head, and a red, mealy, lamp-black face, vents a heap " of wit, which has never been heard before, since the last show, except such snatches as the rising generation have preserved ad interim; summersets are turned; horses frisk, and fume, and sweat, and the ladies clap their hands amazingly. The performers are dressed in a peculiar style. From the fact that the men dress in flesh-colored tights which show the limbs with perfect dis- tinctness, some have supposed that they wear no nether garments; but this is a mistake. By close inspection the covering may be seen to be artificial and not natural. One of the performances is very entertaining, indeed. A showman dressed in an old surtout and other common clothing, enters the ring from the pit, making believe he is a spectator. The man who drives the horses around admonishes him to withdraw or he may get'hurt; but he in- sists on a ride. After parleying for awhile, his. request is acceded to, and he is mounted upon a horse, and set a-going. He lolls about, pre. ' tending to be intoxicated, which is not more than half true, but after a few,rounds becomes SHOWS. 105 bolder, and gets up, first on all fours, and then upon his feet. By this time, some of the more knowing ones among the spectators begin to suspect there is a cheat, but the unsophisticated think it all real. Pretty soon the performer throws off his old surtout, then another coat, and then another; then jackets, one, two, three, and four, are successively pulled off, and the rider stands in shirt and pants; but the denud- ing process is not yet finished, for he begins to unbutton. Some stir among the ladies. The pants are deliberately drawn off. The excite- ment among the feminines increases, and there is no little fluttering of fans and the rider's linen. He unbuttons the sleeves and collar! Is it possible he is going to -- yes, there, he begins to -- dear me, what a pickle the la- dies are in ; but there is no help for them; off it comes, amid the shouts of the boys and the hurrahs of the men, and -- pshaw I what of it? he had on his flesh-colored tights all the while. There was no occasion for any alarm; nothing indelicate for the young ladies; nothing immodest for the mothers. It was veiy funny, and will furnish them food for reflection as long as they live, and for their children after them, when they are dead and gone; and possibly for themselves too; but the fun will all be over then. , I am somewhat concerned lest some of my page: 106-107[View Page 106-107] 106 snows. lady readers should consider this description of the circus rather indelicate. If any should take exception to the description, I venture to predict they will be those who have often looked upon the reality without the least detriment to their sense of propriety. The moral effect of the circus is quite endur- ing and permanent, especially upon the minds of the young, whose active memories being un- burdened with the cares of later life, catch up the choice sayings of the occasion with avidity. They may usually be-seen in considerable num- bers on the following Sunday, upon the show- ground ,running in circles, as they had seen the horses' do, or; turning summersets, walking on the, hands, with the heels up, and imitating other antics of the show. The wit of the clown, particularly if a little obscene, furnishes the standard embellishments of their language for months, sometimes even until the next show comes:round. But it must not be supposed that Tippleto- nians alone patronize the circus. The orderly, staid, temperate, church-going Soberlanders are occasionally found there. It is not to be pre- sumed, however, that they go'there for their own benefit. In truth, they do not need the chaste exhibition of the woman on horseback, nor the pious ejaculations of the burly clown, as an aid to spirituality and holy living. Their SHOWS. 107 self-imposed obligations, to forsake all ungodli- ness and every worldly lust, and to walk in faith, meekness, temperance, and sobriety, must be presumed to be sufficient for them without any such helps. But then their children, poor things, must be properly brought up, for most of them have entered into a very solemn obligation to do so; and it is found much easier to impress their tender minds with the sayings and doings of the circus, than with those homely, old-fashioned precepts and puritanical notions entertained by the more rigid. This business of raising chil- dren is a great trouble to some people, and a vast deal of time, and pains, and anxiety, are expended upon them, which might be just as well saved. Only let the dear creatures do as they please, and they will come up without any raising. If left to themselves, they will do much toward getting along, and will relieve their doting parents of a deal of trouble. Es. pecially when Sunday morning comes, they may be turned out to grass, like other stock, and they will pick up considerable before night. But I am wandering-let's see, where was I Ah, I remember-the circus-yes, as I was say- ing, the pious, puritanical, church-going Sober- landers sometimes visit this and similar places of amusement, especially when journeying from home, so that they are relieved from the watch and care of their brethren. In justice to the page: 108-109[View Page 108-109] 108 SHOWS. Tippletonians, I must say they disapprove of this, and not unfrequently refer to such conduct in terms of decided disapprobation. Who has a better right than Satan to reprove sin, for who knows its consequences better? Another entertaining show is the nenagerie, which is a collection of tame wild-cats, mon- keys, and other animals' carried around for ex- hibition. Formerly this show was very attract- ive, but as they were natural curiosities only, having none of the refiled embellishments of the circus, in process of time the wild beasts became altogether too tame to afford much amusement. The exhibitors exerted themselves to-make their show acceptable by having a man to enter the lion's cage, and a monkey to ride on the poney in imitation of the circus. The monkey rode well, but was entirely too grave and dignified in his manners to compete with the clown of the circus, and had none of his chaste wit to com- mend him to public favor. This experiment failing, the next resort was to combine the circus and menagerie, which did very well for a time; but finally, the comparison of manners between the quadrupeds and bipeds, becoming unfavora- ble to the latter, the partnership was dissolved by turning the four-footed beasts out of the firm; since which the poor monkeys have been driven to seek a precarious subsistence by traveling about the country in company with the fuzzy- SHOWS. 109 guzzy, and picking up pennies for itinerant organ-grinders, while the circus, relieved of all embarrassing companionship with other cattle, is become the great center of attraction with show-goers. In the larger cities of Tippletonia, theatrical performances, draw large crowds. In these places it is designed to exhibit the vices and follies of erring humanity in their true light, and in a form so odious, as to reform society by leading mankind into the paths of virtue, or rather, by driving them thither by the attraction of repulsion. No one can doubt the ability of these performers, in a general way, to exhibit vice as it is, and supposing this principle to be correct in morals, the only wonder is, that the world has not been wholly reformed long ago, through the prevalence and repulsiveness of the abounding wickedness. With great deference, it may be suggested that the cause of the failure may lie in the fact, that in these exhibitions, vice and virtue are not brought near enough tow repel each other. If an indulgent father, wish- ing to impart a finishing grace to the character of his daughter, instead of taking her to the play, would only invite one of these demireps to his own home, and make her an intimate associate of his family, it is probable that a more decided impression would be made. If this be not the cause of the failure of this page: 110-111[View Page 110-111] "O SHows. school of morals, another may be suggested, Moral forces are so strong that they sometimes run into extremes, and produce results opposite from those intended. In this way" they force human nature out of its present social condition into other fatal ways of error'" as said the Soak- erburghers, in their remonstrance to the Legis- lature. The play, as well as the circus, is occasionally visited by. pious Soberlanders, when they are from home; but from the causes above men- tioned, or some other, but little progress in the work of sanctification has yet been apparent in their, cases, in consequence of these visits. There are numerous other popular entertain- ments among the Tippletonians, but one addi- tional only will be here mentioned. In a country where shows are so popular, lion and tiger-tamers are, of course, held in high esteem. :These animals are naturally of some- what ferocious dispositions, but they have been brought so completely under the influence of moral forces, that they will permit their keeper to enter the cage and come out again, without tearing him in pieces. Acting upon this hint, pretty extensive efforts have been made to do- mesticate: other beasts of the field, of which a considerable collection has been gathered, con- sisting, of rattlesnakes, basilisks, vipers, asps, cockatrices, hyenas, panthers, wild boars, mad sHows. 1" bulls, and conspicuous among them, the critter before mentioned, which, though a domestic animal, is considered a proper associate of the others named, on account of its disposition. These have been placed under the care of an experienced trainer, of "good moral character," who has infused so much of his own spirit into them by the power of moral suasion, that they have become quite docile, and are now a very popular show among the Tippletonians, where- unto they resort in great numbers, and pay im- mense sums of money therefor. So attractive has this show become, that many poor fellows who have much ado to get bread for their chil- dren, visit it once, twice, or three times a day, and in the- turn of a year, spend more money there, than they do upon their entire households in the way of domestic comforts. / page: 112-113[View Page 112-113] CHAPTER XIV. INTERNAL IMPROVEMENTS. TaErE is scarcely a country occupied by civ- ilized man whose natural aspect is in every re- spect the most favorable for internal communi- cation, and for carrying on the various affairs which pertain to man in his social state. Hence the minds of many have been busied in devis- ing means for overcoming natural difficulties, the removal of obstructions to free communica- tion, and the like. Questions of this sort some- times become incorporated with the govern- mental policy of a country, and politicians introduce them into their platforms. Tippletonia is a country which, at first view, would seem to demand many physical reforms, and it is matter of no little wonder that it should have been allowed to remain so long in a state of nature. Notwithstanding the infinite num- ber of disasters that had occurred in the havi- gation of its waters, the doetruction of thou- sands upon thousands of valuable cargoes and more valuable lives, the Tippletonians seem to have lived on for years, and even centuries, without any effort to mend matters in this re- spect. It can not be supposed they were N'TERN AL IMPROVEMENTS. 113 ignorant of the state of things, for the wreck and ruin of multitudes were constantly before their eyes; but their minds had become so be- sotted that scenes of peril and distress hadolittle or no effect upon them. It is said of soldiers, that when they enter into battle, the first sight of bloodshed often appalls them much, but that after a while they become familiar with the spectacle of blood and carnage, and view it with composure. It is probable that if these disasters occurred but sel- dom, they would excite moreattention, but being very frequent, they occasion no concern what- ever. In- fact, whenever any one has -put his fortunes afloat on the waters of Tipple river, especially low down, shipwreck has been looked ! upon almost as a matter of course, and the loss of a cargo and the shrieks of the poor drowning wretches were regarded as a regular part of the business. t About thirty years ago, a number of liberal- minded men, moved with pity at the wanton destruction of property and life, determined upon an effort for improving theC condition of things. Theirrfirst plan was to erect alight- house, on the river, just above the falls. This was done by private munificence. The aid of government was not invoked, for, at that time, ! they would have as'soon expected the stream to turn back and run up of its own accord, as that page: 114-115[View Page 114-115] "4 XXTERBNAL IMPROVEMENTS. the government should lend its aid to any such project. In nothing, is man's natural perverseness more apparent than in his treatment of the benefactors of his race. Moral reformers have in all ages been treated with the utmost rigor, and have been persecuted even unto death. The Prince of Peace became the prince of malefac- tors at the hands of those he came to save. The great discoverers in science havetheen con- strained to renounce their theories to save their lives, and even in our own times, during the life-time of the young of this generation, poor Thomas Gray, the projector of railways, was voted by one-half the world a knave, and by the other half a fool, for asserting that men and merchandize might be conveyed on land by steam. So one Beecher and others who were mainly concerned in the erection of this light- house, were abused and vilified by the Tipple- tonians at no small rate. Many attacks have also been made upon the structure, but as the materials of its construction are of an imper- ishable character, it still stands, and is much admired by those of a pure taste, tor the excel- lence of its proportions, but still more for the brilliancy of its light which has never been suffered to go out since its erection. It has led many a voyager, surrounded by mists and dark- ness to a friendly shore, where he has anchored INTERNAL .IP RO VEMENTS, 115 safe and secure, having escaped from the very brink of impending ruin. The spirit of improvement thus set in motion has been very much extended, and light-houses have been built all along the: stream. There is one at the mouth of the Gin and Brandy, which entering nearly opposite each other occasion great commotion of the waters by their eddies and counter-currents. One has also been erected at Point No-Point, from which those not too much in the fog are able to see that there is no landing place there; and another at Point Just- enough, which has thrown sufficient light upon the locality to convince some that its name ought to be changed from Just-enough, to Just. too-much. Even as high up as the Champaign, where many suppose there is not the least dan- ger, a light-house has been built, which is per- haps of more real benefit than any other on the stream; for it has shown multitudes the danger of embarking at all. Those erected at Toddy, on the Rum, at Upper Julep, on the Brandy, and at Loungerville, on the Blue Ruin, have had the same effect. It. is a common observa. tion that those who do not go near the water, are seldom drowned. Within a few years past, beacons have been constructed along all the streams of Tippletonia, and many benevolent persons have associated themselves together and bound themselves by a page: 116-117[View Page 116-117] "6 INTERNAL IMPROVEMENTS. pledge to keepthe lights burning. They do not always burn with a continued brightness. The best of them will at times burn low, and flicker, and flicker, and now and then, one goes out en- tirely, and leaves the poor wretches who follow the rivers in total darkness. Then again they will flare up, and burn with renewed brilliancy. These associations have in them many who have been formerly engaged in the trade. They are usually the most zealous- lamp-lighters in the world; but sometimes their fondness for adven- ture, the excitement of a roving life, and above all the influence of old associates, will draw them away, and get them afloat again. But wheni you find one that holds on, one who really sees the awful peril he has escaped, and who feels for those yet exposed to the same dangers, it is amazing to see how he will pile on the fuel and make the beacon blaze. For this' purpose he is worth scores of those who were never afloat. The brother of- the returned prodigal upbraided the erring one with having devoured his living with harlots, and was very grum about the business; but the poor wretch who had been in so great an- extremity, had a very lively ap? preciation of thedifference between the wretch- edness of his miserable vagrancy and the bless- ings of his father's house. About fifteen years ago, a new movement was set on foot. -It happened one day, that some of INTEKRAL Ij3PRovp INiTS. 117 the citizens of Guzzle Green were met at the City Exchange in Pauperton, where they had assembled to solace themselves after the custom of the country, when the conversation fell upon their own condition and the general state of the* community. They talked matters over, and finally came to the conclusion that Guzzle Green was but a sorry place to dwell in. They looked out upon the great world, and felt that there Was no rea- son why they should sit down there in poverty wretchedness, and filth, when the prospects else- where were so inviting. Their thoughts natu- rally turned to Soberland, the place of their na- ;ivity. They called to mind its sylvan beauties ts pleasant hills and valleys, its gushing foun- ains, the salubrity of its climate, its orderly ndustrious inhabitants, its happy homes with ieirsacred endearments. They contrasted these Vith the barrenness of Guzzle Green, its mud nd mire, its stagnant pools, its brawling, fight g, carousing people, its wretched habita- ons-homnes they were- not-and its laziness )verty, crime, disease, and death. This con- ist made such an impression on their minds at before they separated, six of the most Tn- ligent and energetic among them determined emigrate. One of the first effects of this de- mination was a desire on their part to take Lers ithe them. Noo one makes up his mind page: 118-119[View Page 118-119] "8 INTURNAL IMPROVEMENTS. to leave all and seek a new home in a far-off land, until he has first settled in his own mind that he will better his condition by the change, and before setting out, he usually talks the mat- ter over with his neighbors, sets forth the ad- vantages of the new locality, and endeavors to inspire them with the spirit of adventure. So these six Tippletonians began to bruit about among their associates the design they had formed with great zeal, and with no little success too; for they very soon gathered a goodly company to go with them. Some laughed at them, others opposed, but the more they talked and reasoned, the more convictions arose of the expediency of the movement. Now, the Tippletonians have two modes of reasoning, or rather the seat of intelligence ap- pears to be located in different parts in different persons. Phrenologists will have it that in every subject the mind remains cooped up in the brain; but this is a great mistake. I am con- vinced that fully one-half of the inhabitants of Tippletonia have the seat of intelligence in the stomach, or abdomen. Mind being an intangi- ble essence, we can know nothing of it except by its manifestations. I am not aware that any phrenologist pretends to have discovered thought tracks in the cerebrum, and if not, how can he prove that this is the only high-road it travels, Or that the sensorium does not extend to other IfNTERINAL. iMPROTvEEITs 119 parts of the body One man, for instance, per- ceives a cause in operation that produces an im. mense amount of poverty, degradation, crime, and death. ie perceives also that this cause is sustained by law. From these premises his conclusion is that the law ought to be changed. In e this instance, no doubt, the seat of reason is in the brain. Another sees the same cause pro- ducing the same effect, but reasons that he has a natural and inalienable right to put in his mouth what he pleases, and that whatever is put in there will find its way to his stomach mnd bowels by the operation of natural laws; hat although murder is upon the whole repre. kensible, or at least in rather bad taste, yet as law prohibiting the active cause -of crime rould make it somewhat more diflicult for him come at the means of wetting his whistle, it ould be tyrannical, unjust, and too grievous to borne,o and contrary to the word of God and rmmon sense. Beyond doubt these sentiments nanate from the stomach, or from some other rt of the abdominal sensorium. Tippletonians of this organism, the six emi- ints found it difficult or impossible to move, her from their convictions or their places of nicil, while a large proportion of those dif- ntly organized, embraced their views and armined to. pull up stakes and leave, bag I baggage;. and multitudes from Tippletonia page: 120-121[View Page 120-121] 120 INT EKTRAL' 'XPS OVEMENTS. and even from Guzzle Green, who have chosen their places of abode along the beautiful banks of the Aqua Frigida, and its tributaries, are now the most industrious and happy people in all that region. N6 class of citizens do the Soberlanders :hold in higher esteem than these acquisitions to their society. Their in- fluence is especially valuable in admonishing the young men dwelling in those parts of the dangers of going down the river, by tell- ing them of the--disgustng loathsomenss of a residencesin the lower country. The six origi- nal emigrants have been. a host in this work. They have "traveled. this country all over," from the mountains of Soberland to the Ocean of 'Oblivion, from the sources of Rum to the uppermost spring of the Blue Ruin; by night and by day, mightily persuading men to enlist in their expedition; and many a one have they rescued from the very jaws of the critter, whose children will rise up and call them blessed, in this world and the next. Some think that Tippletonia itself may yet be;redeemed and renovated, and become suita- ble for the abode of virtue, intelligence, and re- finement. With this view many houses of refuge have been erected, by persons of benevo- lence and good-will and even Temples of fair and ,beautiful .proportions have been provided for, such as are willing to enter, on condition INTERNAL IMPROVEMENTS. 121 that they pledge themselves by a solemn and- irrevocable vow, to abstain from all commerce with the people of the country, and all their vile habits. These have done something for the common weal, and may do more; but they have too much to contend with in the accomplish- ment of their grand designs. The men of wealth and position too often withhold their aid and comfort. They seem to think that as they have made the voyage of life without total ship- wrelk, it ii none -of their business what becomes of others, even though they be their own chil- dren, flesh and bone of themselves. It must be admitted, too, that they encounter the opposition of some Soberlanders, even a few of those, in clerical robes, who probably never went astray. It might be uncharitable to affirm, but still their conduct fairly exposes them to the charge of placing a higher value upon the fatted calf, than upon a returning prodigal brother, be his purposes of amendment never so sincere. But' the greatest of all obstacles to the re- formation of Tippletonia, is found in the char- acter of its legislation. There is but little hope for the country while moral suasionists and ab- dominal reasoners are selected for legislators, whose gods are in their bellies, who think more of their throats than of their souls, and who hold that all crimes should be committed accord- ing to law, and by men of good moral character. page: 122-123[View Page 122-123] ERRATA. 'Tm reader will correct with a pencil as follows: Page 12, line 9, "bats and balls," for "buts and bulls." Page 16; line 20, "instilled," for "instituted." There are various other typographical errors, but the sense will generally correct them.
