Wright American Fiction

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Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by MILLER, ORTON & MULLIGAN, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. Edward R. Jenkins, Printer, Nos. 26 FRANKFORT STREET.

CONTENTS.

• Some Particulars respecting Cousin Smooth 1
• CHAPTER I.— Mr. Smooth in Washington 5
• CHAPTER II.—Mr. Smooth Sups, and goes to Bed 11
• CHAPTER III.—In which Mr. Smooth has an Interview with General Cass 17
• CHAPTER IV.—Mr. Smooth's Dream 23
• CHAPTER V.—A Morning Adventure 27
• CHAPTER VI.—Mr. Smooth finds his Path to the White House a difficult one 31
• CHAPTER VII.—Mr. Smooth Penetrates the Dark Confines of Mr. Pierce's Kitchen, where he finds things sadly confused 41
• CHAPTER VIII.—Mr. Solomon Smooth takes a Fish Breakfast 48
• CHAPTER IX.—Mr. Smooth Circumnavigates the Globe 58
• CHAPTER X.—Smooth preserves Young America's Rights 71
• CHAPTER XI.—Mr. Smooth is Right Side up 75
• CHAPTER XII.—Mr. Smooth makes a few Reflections 83
• CHAPTER XIII.—Mr. Smooth sees a Country great in Resources blighted by a Narrow Policy 88
• CHAPTER XIV.—Done Brown in Downing Street 101
• CHAPTER XV.—His little Lordship's Show, and a Peep into Downing Street 106
• CHAPTER XVI.—Smooth Dines with Citizen Peabody 120
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• CHAPTER XVII.—Smooth looks in upon the Mixed Commission 136
• CHAPTER XVIII.—Smooth receives the Documents, and calls a Congress at Ostend 149
• CHAPTER XIX.—Smooth Discovers Himself 158
• CHAPTER XX.—Arrival and Grand Reception at Ostend 164
• CHAPTER XXI.—Fashionable Debts and Fashionable Diplomatists 179
• CHAPTER XXII.—How Smooth got his Manners 194
• CHAPTER XXIII.—Mr. Smooth proposes taking Mr. Pierce's Fighting by the Job 199
• CHAPTER XXIV.—Mr. Pierce sends Smooth Down East among Britishers 204
• CHAPTER XXV.—The Pious Squire 215
• CHAPTER XXVI.—Smooth encounters a Colonial Justice of strange Character 222
• CHAPTER XXVII.—Smooth settles all International Difficulties, and proposes maintaining the very best Understanding with John Bull 215

ADVENTURES OF MY COUSIN SMOOTH.

NO uncommon type of our "Young America" is Mister Solomon Smooth, the individual whose part in these sketches was performed for General Pierce in particular, and "Uncle Sam" in general. Mr. Smooth was born and "growed" on the extreme south point of Cape Cod—a seemingly desolate spot, yet somewhat renowned as the birthplace of Long Tom Coffin. If I would select one of our nation's 'cutest sons; if I were called upon to name the kind of man with that in his natural composition to make the safest, shrewdest, and most calculating merchant; if I were called to pass judgment on the man most qualified to sustain the spirit and characteristics of the American nation abroad—one who would never betray our national energy, nor degrade his profession, nor fail to seek that which might promote the interests of those who reposed trust in him, at the same time never forgetting his own—if I were about forming an expedition, and would provide myself with that character of man upon whom the issue of its success most depends; if, I say, I would seek the man possessing those rigid qualities of a moral nature which are a sure protection against doing aught that may degrade the councils of a nation, I would make this sandy cape my starting point, and draw from the upward growth of that stern energy to be found among those flourishing, energetic, and intelligent communities embraced within that circle which terminates at Cape Ann, and between the circling arms of which two capes heaves Boston Bay. But Smooth, though somewhat primitive in his personal appearance, is none of your common Cape Cod coasters, such as your Captain Doanes, and Cooks, and Ryders, and Clapps. Not he! So slender of person is he, that there can be no particular impropriety in our drawing a comparison between him and that peculiar type of person page: 2-3[View Page 2-3]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 2-3 son commonly called a Virginian bean-pole. Nor, when he gets himself (as is not uncommon with him) "all over" native brown homespun, does his configuration materially change, there yet remaining, and boldly refusing to be disguised, that face so full of penetration, and those features so sharp. The waggishly inclined have identified them with the wizardry of dividing storm currents. Nevertheless, of this lean conformation, which is better within than the world without is in general willing to admit, is Smooth particularly proud. In manner, Smooth is piquant; and being an acknowledged member of the fast school—that is, a disciple of manifest destiny in particular and Model Republics in general—he accepts the mission so kindly proffered him by his unfortunate friend, Mr. General Pierce, and has no objection to giving the world and kingcraft (the latter rudderless, and drifting on those quicksands of common sense which it were well for nations had they proved destructive centuries ago) a few lessons in the go-ahead principle. What Smooth means to convey by the go-ahead principle, is simply that when common sense triumphs universal in a nation, sycophantism dies, and with it that pest of peoples, kingcraft! So, with the most amiable intentions, does Solomon set out for Washington, to have a first talk with General Pierce: this talk he hopes will be a prelude to putting straight the nationalities now drifting on the rock of intrigue, without that safty safety -valve which a people fully conscious of enjoying their rights can give. And while thus employed, Smooth does not forget that it is a well laid down rule that many small Presidents may talk very large and yet cut very ridiculous figures : hence his first talk with Mr. Pierce, who is well known for general and very respectable characteristics, may be productive of great good to mankind in a mass. In New England educated, (that land where niggers may be white men, and white men too often turn niggers), loving universal rights, peace to consolidate a nation's good, and keep down that martial spirit which is its cankering curse—being tenacious of freedom in its broadest acceptation, and commercial prosperity with a general diffusion of its results, it is Mr. Smooth's candid opinion that ere another century rolls into the page of time America will whip, feed, civilize, and republicanize the great American continent. Could this be done at an earlier period, so much the better for mankind in general. Smooth was borne out in this opinion from the fact that Europe had got into a great fuzzle, the result of which was an equally great fight. Kingdoms and empires had become disordered, their craft was stranded; potentates were turning their people into minions of slaughter. Nicholas (modest god of all the Russias) thought his murdering a few thousands an act most pious: it was all for the sake of Christianity and a very small holy rite! On the other hand, there was Mister John Bull, so dogged at times, and yet so hard to hold once his propensity for fighting somebody was excited, hurling very unchristian lead and steel into. Nicholas's subtle-headed serfs. But the thing most wondrous was, that Uncle John, now foaming with the fever of war, had got Johnny Crappo at his back instead of his belly—a fact that would be recorded on the strangest page of history. Strange fighting companions were they; but as pig and dog do now and then become bed-fellows, who can give too much expression to his surprise at this strange Anglo-French combination? Let the world say what it will with reference to our worthy friend Uncle John fighting the battle of Mohamedanism—let it lay at his door the grave charge of degrading himself by seeking to make firm the rotten props of one of the most debased governments that has stained the history of the world with its crimes, John will humanely acknowledge the charge while forwarding to Turkey a copious edition of his "Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge."

We hope with Mr. Smooth, that Master Bull and Cousin Jonathan may war only in words. Both are sensible gentlemen; both are keenly alive to that inspiration called fighting for one's rights; both are for ever finding a small bone to snarl over; but peace is found the greater bone, which, by preserving, affords the best picking. Indeed, we must all admit, that if polite diplomatists and small politicians had their way, their naughty recriminations would give us plenty of war, with only bows and smiles to pay for the blood and treasure wasted. But Mr. Bull is considerate with his power; while Jonathan shrewdly calculates how much being embroiled in war page: 4-5[View Page 4-5]Switch to Image ModeCLOSE Page 4-5 will disturb his tin business. May our discretion continue to form the best defence against war between the most enlightened governments of christendom.

At home our negro question bids very fair to get political parties into an interminable snarl; which said snarl is made worse by the singular hopes of those having friends who would like to be next President of the United States. The "white house," (that shrine of patriotic worship!) having its avenues strongly bolted and barred with formidable niggers from Virginia and Carolina, has become a mammon of faith before which politicians are making sad niggers of themselves. Mr. Solomon Smooth lamented this; and, in order to ascertain what could be done in the way of finding a remedy, he determined to plainly introduce the matter during his first talk with General Pierce;—in a word, to see what could be done in the way of straightening things ere he tried the quality of his cigars and Bourbouin whiskey, a large stock of which the General was known to keep on hand. The party to which Mr. Smooth belonged, "Young America," enrolled among its numbers many young gentlemen whose spirits were fast, and young ladies whose talents were fast increasing; hence it was that he was a firm believer in the elastic principles of a go-ahead government: such an one, albeit, as would republicanize Russia, knock Austria into a smash, or make her declare herself something—revolutionize Europe in general, and in particular teach kings of the christian faith how very unchristian it is to wage savage wars. In addition to this, he would have the world in general more enlightened, and kings made to know that their highest duty was to mould their conduct after the example of good citizens. Were this not enough, he would go for annexing to these "United States" all the rest of creation; Mexico and Central America in particular, to aid which object he would have the moon perform a specific part on behalf of manifest destiny.

The reader must remember that our hero Smooth is a man most unpolished, though never so bad as he seems. But we will let him speak for himself, and as his letters are addressed to Uncle Sam, of course those may read who will.